AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 8 months ago

Russell S. Talk 3 at the Solutions Group 10/20/2021 - "Ready or Entirely Ready"

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Russell S. Talk 3 at the Solutions Group, West Dixie Club, Miami, FL 10/20/2021 - "Ready or Entirely Ready"

Thank you, Buddy. Was Russell on an alcohol remember the South Sixty Group. It's great to be here and I was just talking about this group because I was on a meeting girl with tevb and and he was mentioning this group, lady, because that's when I first met Stevie, when he came in. Was it like twenty years ago? Twenty one, twenty two years ago? And it's great be here at this mean I do a lot of zoom meetings. You got some Zoom People here that I love, you know, from all over the world and and but I also do I it's good getting back to these meetings. I'll be over the west side men's, is it? We were mights West Side Men's tonight. I mean the last time I spoke there was thirty five years ago. It took him that long to fucking get over it. You know what I mean. And Jesus, some people are very touchy. You know what I mean. And so I'm here to comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable and say a lot of I'm to say as much crap as I can possibly say so that it disturbed. When you hate me, when you walk at who the hell, and by that Asshole, you know what I mean. And so five years not from so live, to hate you, but now I love you, or something like that. Whatever they say. You know what is that great line from U Good men? The truth. You can't handle the truth. True when you know when you're insane, when you come in here and you're in you're insane because you're an alcoholic, you start running to the same people. They'll tell you shit. You don't say I believe that crap, you know, and I just want to stop drinking. I don't want to do any of that other stuff. So so it's I supposedly. I mean I don't put any pressure on the lot of people come and say, well, this must be step number three. It's going to be step number three and step number six and a bunch of other steps. I'll be the do whatever it is. You're going to hear, whatever you're going to hear, you know, and it's I tell that story. These are true stories. You know, I've been around. I'm in my forty first year. So it says our stories disclosed in general way, what we used to be like, what happened, what we are now. So I got a lot of stories. I got stories before I drank, I got stories while I was drinking, I got drunk a lot stories which don't really tell that much, and I got stories for forty, forty one years of stories. Is the stories about victory and learning about what this disease is really a bad and stuff like that. So we'll just sort of mix them all up and throw them into the blender and see what comes out. You know, and you're going to hear what you're going to hear. And until this one, you know, I told this tricking on the roof store. It's true story, but it's given idea how this thing works and how got us in charge. I I was doing it was about thirty five, thirty six years ago. I was down in homestead doing a step series like this, and I have no idea what I was talking about. When I had four or five years, who the hell knows, but I was doing, I was saying something and I don't know what step I was on and what the story was, but it was room. There was a bunch of a bunch of people down home seat and I was talking to him and and I got this feeling, and you know because I'm an alcoholic. So it's all about the feelings, right, you know? Anybody says you get your feelings, shoot the son of a bitch. You know what I mean. I've been in touch with my feelings my entire life. You know, you can put people in front of you that are dying of cancer. You know, whatever it is. You know what I mean. All I think about is, you know, why is this happening to me? You know what I mean. I just I'm so in touch with my feelings. You know, your feelings will tell you get rid of them, you know. You know, you just find your inner child and slap the shit out of him and you know, you know, tell you what they're rid of them feelings. You know, there's like teenagers do that, right, aren't thought with teenagers like that, these feelings, you know. And so I was down there and I was doing this meeting and I don't know, I probably looked at somebody looked at me funnier, they weren't all cracking up in my jokes. So, whatever the hell it was, I didn't feel the love, you know, because alcoholic, when you ultimately learned, says unlessen to halt and septs. His alcoholism and all its consequences is probably be precarison of true happiness. Will find not at all. By the way, if you see me doing stuff, I that's from the book. It's from...

...the big buckets, from the twelve and twelve, from DUCR bother, it's from our comps improve material. And apparently there are consequences being an alcohol more than just the drinking. As a matter of fact, apparently, according to the book, this is my theory, the drinking is at least of the problems. And you believe that the drinkings League of problems. It's only a symptom of disease. The real disease centers in your mind, like your body. So apparently, when they say we power, grating yourself will restore you to Siancy, and there is a power that can restore you to sanity or you can remain insane. And ultimately that power does work, by the way. It will restore you to sanity, but in bit pieces. You know, if it's not, it's not like all of a sudden that works like that. It's it's not a Dun't work as fast as Scotch. Scotch works pretty quick. You know alcohol. That's why I'm in alcohol, because no, no woman, no car, no matter money, ever work quite as well and quite as fast as just a few drinks. Is that for me? I'm you know, so that's okay. I used I used to rag on people that had phones going off during the meetings, but I got upset, you know, and it's a lack of sobriety on my I get upset and then one day, at one day is true story, one day I'm ragging on somebody. I made some sort of statement. Anybody has a phone on the meeting isn't really sobers. Some I say Shit like that. Just just a Piss people off and bother room. You know, it's you know, once you once they're pissed off at yet you know one thing. You know. You know, if they're pissed off again, they're listening. You get it. They're listening. If they're smiling, they're not necessarily, but if they're pissed off, they're fucking listening to you, you know. And what are they gonna do? They're pissed off listening, they go outside. They're either got to drink, because they ever reason men, or they're gonna write it down to a do an inventory list, pray about it, talk their sponsor and they're going to say they can find out what the problem is. You know what I mean, and why they have pissed in me and then they're going to love me. They're going to pray for me and love me and they got don't choice. That's the tough thing. So, so I'm at this meeting and I'm talking and and and I'm looking. You know, you know how we are. We're just so the real the wrong games of others fancy to rear real imaginary shit drives US crazy because because, don't you know, if you're an alcoholic, one of the consequence you not focus. You can read people's minds, you know, and you and you can coult somebody, know all about them. Like I'd be in a bar. I was a lounge lizard your every night. I'm there at the Bar, look in the nail something, you know, and and and I'd be looking at the door and some guy would walk in with a goodlooking Gal, goodlooking blond or something. I I turned to my friend, I'd say, look at that asshole. I immediately didn't like them. You know what, I just knew I didn't like that guy. I don't know what he is around something. You you know what they're thinking about. You know, but you know, you just walk in the bar to say you want to belong to the group and know we'll like he don because you're an awl folk. You're also, please don't reject me, a holic. You know, tell me I'm wonder fall I can. I wanted to join the group, the group, except I take a couple of shots of that Shit, you know, the Scotch Shit. I felt like I owned The freaking group. You know. You know what it does for you. You want to go up to that goodlooking Gal, but you're scared. What if she rejects you and lasted you or something like that? Take couple of shots of that WHO gives a shit? You know? You walk up to him and they say no, thank you. Said Hey, you're a lost bitch. You know what I mean. It's like to into something I do. It turns you into, I don't know, somebody who doesn't have about ever. That is apparently alism is something to do with anxiety, worry about yourself or worrying about other people think about you. Although you tell you something all the time. You don't give a shit what other people think about. Oh, you do is think about that crap. That's what your brain is like a giant zoo. I...

...had the I had a zoo brain. You're any Maddie. You know what a zoobrain is, and no cageous. All the fucking animals are loose. All look like you guys. They're all over the these there's a thousand animals. I hate everything one of them. You know what I mean. I got to grudge against every about. You know, I'm you know, every once while, I get into fights with them and my brain. You know I mean, they're living rent free there. Let me, I'm fighting this one of my brain, fighting that one of my brain. You know. Sometimes, so I'm murdering. So I kill them. I am I killed their wives, kill their kids in front of him. Then, after they're dad, I resurrect them and I kill him worse. You know what I mean, because what I wanted to suffer for all they did for me. Sometimes I talk to me about my tie. Sometimes I have a conversation. There's nobody I can have a conversation when my I can't have a conversation with any zoop preachers. You understand what I'm saying because they've understand me in their asshole anyway. So I'm not going to about them. But, but, luckily for me, I'm also in my brain and so I can talk to myself about the creatures of my brain and I just have this great committee going. You're an asshole American. I lot with all the stuff going on it and I don't even think. Here's the great thing. I'm doing all this shit with Fifteenzero people my brain, all fand thoughts about myself and other people. Here's the great part. I don't even see a problem. I don't see a problem because my alcohol life seems the only normal one. I can't separate the twoth from the FO. To me, this is a to me, this is ever since I was I don't need alcohol be like this. I've as a bad fact the alcohol. Sometimes it makes the creatures go away, make some go away, you know what I mean, and get really creatures, you know. And No, no, that's the way I am. Sober, sliss here, little, just content, fighting all the creatures, all the bullshit. Who Do they think they are? They have no idea who that they don't no idea who I am. You don't know who you're fucking with. You know, why is this always happening to me? You know, I can't believe this bullshit. You know what a loser. You're a loser. You're a loss. He's an asshole. And when I after I do that for all then I just saw starts things like I'm such a jerk, never get anywhere, I'm such a loser. I talk to myself a little like that. You know, when you talk to you, when you stop by the way, sometimes you be in the shower, drive and you say things like, also, this voice is such an asshole you ought to kill yourself. So you turn around, sees telling you that Shit and you're the only one in the car. When you say when you're saying that stuff, you stop. You're wondering what that's all about. That's your reputation about you with yourself. That's what you really think about you, you know, unworthy, holy, a piece of shit, a real phony, blogny piece of crap, hoping that now nobody will ever find that an asshole you really are. And but you know, the good thing is is what phones these days. You can tact and if you text in somebody on facebook or you doing all this shit. What happens? It's distracting you from realizing what an asshole you are. where. You can go to the movies, so you can turn on TV, or you can go get laid, or you can talk to a woman, or you could do it. You cat, you do a lot. You just have to keep busy and whatever you do, avoid silence. Silence is real bad for an alcoholic. Just then you start thinking about shit. It's all bad shit, you know what I mean? I know it's bad shit because us every time a sponseee or grand spons he or somebody comes up to me and says to me, you know, I was thinking, bad shit comes out of their mouth, you know, like says, you know, I'm having a problem. He says, really, what's wrongises? Well, I've been thinking, and that's it.

Here comes the bullshit, and I mean I've been thinking, you know, but that's how they used to cure alcoholism, with lobotomies, and you know. So I got this this thing called alcoholism and I don't even know what it is because I don't even think. And you know something, I tend to hang around people that they me if I'm not talking behind because one of the things you do. If you're an alcoholic, you should like to talk bad shit about other people beyond their back. They call it gossip. You know, gossip is like what women do. What men? They don't do that men. We just say bad shit about other people. Be On that back. Hey, you know that guy you don't like rounds? What a fucking asshole he is, you know the ass like, yeah, he's an asshole. Oh, you know who else they's? You know who else is an ant fool? George, total fucking asshole. You know what I mean? And and I do that. It's a form of conversation. I don't I don't think there's anything wrong with that, because everybody in the bar but we do the same thing. We just wait for the other guy to be done so we can talk about all alsholes on our lives, you know. And and the reason you do that is because, and I don't know how this works, I'm not a psychologist. I'm sure it's some sort of psychological thing, but if I can get in a conversation with you talking bad shit about other people, and especially if you agree with me, it makes me feel better. You believe that it makes me feel better, and nobody can arrest you for driving while thinking bad thoughts about other people. In other words, you can do see. That's the real lot. The alcoholism is not the drinking. That's just a symptom of an alcoholic. Alcoholics drink because they can't stand their fucking life. Sober, they hate sober is painful. You get to the point the alcohol is the only thing. That seems to be the only it works. You get to the point we have to give up the alcohol because your life is physical. And you give up the alcohol, then you're dealing with thank you got a real problem. Then you're dealing with you know Ralph, he's an asshole. You know joy. Then you're dealing with the real deal, with no Anesthesian, with no scotch or anything like that. If you're lucky, you go to meetings, get a sponsor, you know, you listen to people. They sort of like they sort of like to cheer from the Bullshit. You feel a little bit better and then you go back home and then before you even hit the the door you're thinking bad shit about yourself and other people. Never goes away. Never goes away. It's the brain shit, you know what I mean. So I'm at this mean and homestead and and you know, it's like, like I said, you know, we would like mine. I'm just getting I'm just I'm not getting good vibes, you know, from the group. And it's the worst it ends up being. In my opinion. The worst meeting, I think, was on third step. Like this means supposed to be on third step. It's it's the up until this point. That was the worst meeting on the third step ever. And alcoholics anonymous, and so I you know, they so I left and I wasn't going to go back. I ain't going back there, you know, because that's what alcoholics do. They just don't go back, you know, they just even though they made it a commitment, they don't go back. But I had to go back. I had to go back because I got to the point, at least after three or four years, or five years, whatever it was. That was my sponsor jumped into my head. When anybody asks you to do something, they or say yes. And I had one thing going for me, and only one thing really. What anything? I didn't want to drink, and I was one of these guys. I'm not one of these guys like if you drink, you can always come back. That's not the way they taught me. They taught me if you drink, you may never come back. So I always figured that if I drink, I ain't them back now because I...

...don't want to. I just thought I wouldn't be able to come back. And and and I and he had linked up. He had some now linked up, and my mom mind not do it if I sort of things that were typically alcoholic, like make an excuses not going back and not going to me used to say to me, when I make an excuse the not going to meet, he says, you know, Russ when you're making an excuse to not go to a meeting, maybe in the back of mind, your mind, you're thinking it's okay to drink again. And I would believe them. I would believe that Shit, you know, I would believe him. I believe that he bring I said, I think your brainwatch me, says maybe your brain needs watching. I believe that Shit, and so I want to. My brain is telling me me. I'm telling me, the alcoholism is telling me, don't go back, they don't like you. And my another part of my brain is telling me, if you don't go back, you're going to drink again and that part one says one thing. I didn't want to drink and so I went back and before the next meeting, which I guess was on the four step whatever, some guy comes up me and he says, can I talk to you for a second? I said sure. He says, I just want you to know that I was at your meeting last week and I was sitting the back of the room. You didn't see me. I came in sort of like after me and started and that was the greatest day. I mean I've never been to that's saved my life. I said really, and he says, Oh, absolutely, since my wife has left me, took my baby, I lost my job. I was going to go drink, but I saw I go to the meeting. You know, just see if you know. Just go to me and see if anybody could say anything. And when you said the chick was on the roof, the whole fucking program came alive for me and I had never said the chicken was on the roof. I took fucking credit for it, and I mean you know said Oh yeah, trick on the roof. I knew what he was talking about because I had. I was I remember there was a certain part of my start I was talking a little poultry, you know what I mean, but he had got he had got it all wrong. I said the Turkey was in the basement. You know what I mean. You got the whole thing mixed up and I didn't correct them. You know, I was well enough to not correct them. But I then realized, you see, I thought my job was to carry the message. I thought that's when my job was to carry the message. I had the wrong idea, you know, because because if my job is to carry the message, then if anybody goes out of after mean a drink side, screwed up. You know, I screwed up. I did allowsy meeting, or if you don't like me, I screwed up, or if you don't have my jokes, I screwed up. I'm just like a bad you know. And and then I realized, I said, I realized that that's not at all. My job is to try to carry the message. I don't carry the message. God cares, you see. You see, that night I probably did the worst third step meeting I've ever done in my life, but it was the best fucking eating I could do that night. It was the best meeting I could do that night, as bad as it was, and I said Turkey in the basement, and when floating around across the room, all the way to the back room, to some guy I didn't even know, Turkey in the basement, Turkey in the basement, Turkey in the basement, and it goes into his ears. Those exactly what he needs to hear and all of a sudden he hears checking on the roof and the whole thing comes together for her and I start thinking that maybe I've got like the power, you know what I mean, and I got nothing. Because and I go to a convention and I'll be speaking this like couple thousand people. I'm speaking at a convention and some guy comes up and he says, man, that was and it doesn't matter black, white, rich, poor, path fats. Then it's that say. It's like, man, you're talking about me. Some Gal comes up, he says, talking about me, you're talking I. I'm not talking about it, talking about me. And they say,...

...man, when you said this, and sometimes they get it right. I did say that, and another you say that. It's a whole different thing. You know, it's just, Oh, I heard the second step all. I heard the third step, I heard the tenth step, I heard they who knows what the Hell's going on there? I have nothing to do with it. You know, you hear whatever you hear, you get really it's real. You know the the world is. It's really you know what you see when you hear. And so if we got a hundred people in here, you know we got a hundred different meanings going on and you'll walk out here and some guy will remember one out of an hour. You'll remember one thing. It might even be something I actually said, maybe not, maybe lead to something else. Another guy remember a completely different thing. Another got me, and one guy will say I hate that guy. To remember when we remember anything at all until like a year from now'll say, man, remember that Guy said that? You know what I mean. And and we're just sitting here trying. I'm just sitting here trying to do what it says in the big book because of what happened to me, my transformation. You know what did? Doctor Young said ideas, emotions and attitudes that are the guiding force of these men's lives a push to one side. They become dominated by homely set of ideas, emotions and attitude. So I go from a guy who's looking to nail some Gal or get some car, you know, to a guy who's just looking to see whether I can help but somebody else, you know, because and treat everybody like to have a broken heart, because they probably do. And so all of a sudden I find myself going around, because it says, once you make a sincere to sit above everything, we must get rid of this selfish muster kills us. How do you rid of selfish this when you don't even think you're selfish? Says we must get rid of it, and it says God makes that possible once you make a sincere decision, sincere decision for him, all sor it's remarkable things happen. Being all powerful gives you everything you need if you stay close to him, whoever he is, and perform his works well, and his works are to be a maximum service to him through helping other people, like the Good Samaritan. And so what happens when you start helping other people? I guess it's like extra credit and you don't even know why you're doing it, and next thing you know you're doing more and more. Next thing you know you're feeling better and better. And all of a sudden you get to a point in your life. For Seventy two years old, married, forty years seven, soon to be eight, grandkids, for kids and sells, appointed to my own contributions things. And what do you do when, all of a sudden you've been around the world, you've done all the Shit, you know, you've done all this stuff and all of a sudden, all sudden the greatest time you're having in your life is trying to but because you care about them. What happens when? What happens when, with all the things that you thought would work for you, the girl, the sex, the money, the car, never work for you before, a, a after a, never work for you, never really work permanently to give you a feeling of fulfillment and a purpose in life. And when you started trying to help other people and love on other people, just like they said in the big book which you which was the last thing you wanted to do in here. You want to come in here and get something, to go out and rip, rape and run and get all the things you lost. And when, all of a sudden you start doing your stuff. What do you do? When you found the only thing in your life that actually works, and it works. You know, I was hold the long time ago. If you and if you don't know why you're on the planet earth and have a purpose before you reach the age at thirty, you're going to be one ado son of a bitch. And I was one neurotics on the bitch because I didn't have any purpose. For years. I was sure my purpose was to make money, have sex, get married, what you name all worldly. You know, I I remember. You know, I go to pick up when I was like twenty years old or eighteen years old, and nineteen I had and harried a few bucks. I've never been able to keep money in...

...my pocket because, because that's Scotch is not. What you learn ultimately, after you stop this thing, is that Scotch is not the only higher power. Scotch was my higher power. Few was my higher power. Women was my higher power. Job, all right, power, money is my higher power. Everything on the plane you can lust, want or need, I'm in. If onlier, I don't know what kind of alcohol. I'm an alcohol and to wake up in the morning. I say, if only I had a different wife, if I only had a better girlfriend, if only I could get hooked up, if only I had money, if onally I've had I'm and I got so many things that I absolutely assure will fix me. And you know why? Because they work, just like Scotch work, because Scotch did work. The woman did work, the Scotch work, I mean the woman of the set worked, the job worked. It works, it works, but it works like they all works. You know. Then you worry about you spend your life worrying about grabbing that Shit. I mean you can't grab it, you get frustrated and get depressed and maybe you're lucky and you grab it and you feel good for a while, and then you worry about keeping it and what's gonna happen if you can't keep it. And me, because it's especially women, tough. You know, it's not like it's on like about a Scotsh that doesn't you know, least Scotch won't talk back to you. I mean Scotch won't say no. You know what I'm talking about, but women you can't. I mean you know. You know. I'm married forty years. Let me tell you something. The Moods. What's that all about? You know, because she's right to me. I mean I can't control them. So I don't. You know, I don't. You know if she the other day she said are we going to be a week? Going to be together in heaven? This is true, you know. I said, I don't know, honey, it's still death to us part. Don't be looking for me. You know I'm out of here. I'm a lawyer. I read the contract. You know, that's a deal. You know. And sure you don't know what it's like. And you know what happens when you get all this shit. You have no Goa and then you get the car and the car gets old or has a flat and it's like it's got a half life of like a week and then it's back to the fucking if only again. You know. So I went down because I'm a guy. I spend money, I don't have to buy shit I don't need, I don't like and and all that sort of stuff. And I didn't learn until I was ten years sober why I was broke all the time, even though I made a lot of money, and that my sponsor told me say when you spend more money than you make, you go onto some called know that. I didn't know that. As long as I can make the payments. You know, just buy shit, you know, make because you went buying shit makes you feel good. If you depressed, get a haircut, you know, and I ain't change your hair color. I don't in large your brass. I don't know what you're gonna do. You know, just change something, lose pounds, do something. Get a new pair of slacks. You got a new shirt, you know, buy a new car. You know, my whole life is that shit. My whole life is running around buying shit, spending money, looking for crap. None of it works. None of it works to prove that I'm not a piece of shit. And as I'm driving to my new car with my new girlfriend always on the voice, as you were, one piece of shit. Now, what are you gonna do? Well, you got a real problem, you know. So I wanted out down and I bought the car, brand new Camaro, one thousand nine hundred and seventy one, brand new, first thing in the market. Sleek, unbelievable. It was bronze with a white land out top. Really cheesy now if you saw it, but I mean I liked it right then. It was pretty cool. I got a picture of it my girlfriend at the time. You know, I this true story. We're driving down the keys. I said wait, wait, stop right here, and I parked my car right by the water and I got out and they said take a picture of me with the car. I got the fucking picture in my eyes. I showed you. I said take a picture of me with the car. Sure you're laughing, you don't know what it's like. I'm sure you guys never did shit like that. But in any event, so I get this car and I'm driving on and I and...

I pay the viruses. He said, okay, give me the car, because I don't know about you, but I want it like now, immediate. I need an immediate fit. There ain't no waiting. He says, no, no, we got a prepit. Now forget to put you paid for down the law. Come back here to myself. Next morning. I'm there like thirty way for the car. Car comes off to the line. It's throughout a thirty at Miami beach and it's beautiful and it's got like fifty miles on it. Whatever it is. I get in the car. You know, I'm about two hundred miles founds lighter than I am right now. I'm like a kid you know I'm buff and I got my sunglasses on, you know, my comfru sunglasses. I got the t shirt on, rolled up with the with the cigarettes, like at a cigarette thanking from my mouth. I got the windows down, I got my hand out the window with the cigarette in the hand. I'm driving down Alton Road to Miami Beach, waiting to be discovered. I'm thinking. I'm thinking that every woman in China is looking at me, you know what I mean, like I'm in Yankee Stadium. I'm thinking, how many women are there in China? goodlooking ones? You know what I mean. What do you think? A billion? Can I go through a billion in a life? Shine? You know what I mean. I'm thinking shit like that. I'm I'm an alcoholic. I think Weird Shit, you know what I mean, and not like you guys. I've got a Serio. I'm I've got I'm I've got the grave emotional and mental disorder thing, you know, so which should give you guys hope. And I come to a light. I come to a light and I know you're well all wondering. What does this have to do a third step? Just hold on, I'm gonna, I'm gonna fucking pull this thing off. We're gonna get this train rob you're not going to believe this. I'm going to close this thing down. This is going to be as bad as the homestead me. Okay, I stopped in a life and the brand new Camaro and some gun, like some old Fart, you know, I'm I'm like young, I'm like twenty years old. Some old guy, you know, some old guy who should be really dead, you know, probably got like my age, you know what I mean. Pulls up and a brand new cadillac, heardibal read, with the Playboy bunny sitting next to me. If Playboy magazine, you know, I don't even know they have it anymore, was my Bible, you know, and play being member the playbug me. I look at him and he looks at me. I'm actually looking up at him because my car, I'm looking at it. He's going to me. I'm looking at him, he's looking at me. In my mind I'm saying, why can't I have a car like that and the feeling of being okay, lets three blocks, you know, the payments lasted thirty six a month. It's life. That's my life. I'm sitting and I'm sitting college. I'm guy walks in with legs up the here, gorgeous, you know, cheer leader and everything's a man. If I could have that Gal I'd be okay. I put on the full court press, you know. You know how we all key's are too charmer and see you wait, myself in the her life or father's a doctor and mother's a lawyer, gramper's boy, all professionals. I switch majors from from being a math mayor I immediately I was going for my my doctor Algebra, Algy immediately decide I'm going to be a lawyer. That people said I'd become a lawyer. Why'd you become aware? So I like Perry Mason. I said you want you don't wonder why became a war I figured out to get in some gals pants. You do you think that's a crazy motive? That's my entire life, going in a bar, trying to say something, do something, to get in somebody's path. That's my life to get a relationship going. If I'm in a relationship, I'm up here, I'm okay. If I'm not a relationship, I'm the piece of crap. If I got something, all I needed in my life I could be the bum in the world, the worst father, the the worst end in the world. If I get some Gal to like me. There was no problem. I just needed some pork yeah, to take pity on me and like me, and I feel okay. I know there was no problem. I think things started really going I start really hitting bottom when they all ran away and we're just imagine Harry Shit in my mind where...

I could listen to radio like my I'm I used to listening song. I'm miss the blue, only the lonely. I think about all the Gals, I think about funeral and shit like that. You know, when when all the shit came down on me and everybody left and there was nobody there, that's when I him life was over. So I married this down. We had a kid, lived in a beautiful house in my beach. I Was the Vision Chief States turney's office try and murder. Everything was wonderful for about I don't know what, six months. Six months just beauty, wonderful, get and then I'm drinking at the bar with a homicide cops and doing all that stuff, and I'm looking at the gals on the dance floor, blonds, the redheads, to Brunette, and I'm saying this man, if only I wasn't married. All I said home with the baby. I never cheated on her, never physically cheated on her. I just sit in the bar till four o'clock in the morning saying if only I wasn't married. That's all I do. Let me tell you something. I don't know what you've ever cared about somebody or love somebody? I don't think I ever loved anybody. I don't even know what Love was until I came day. That's the truth. It's Bene between love and lust. Love you. What I had was whatever what I had is whatever I had. It was a thing where you take from somebody, you take from somebody to fix yourself and you don't give him shit. That's what I had. I don't know what word you want to put on it. It has some to do with selfishness. That has to do with squeezing somebody dry and taking from somebody and making sure they always do things your way and they better not cross you. And I squeeze the hell out of them to get whatever I need, you know what I mean. And when they stopped giving me what I need, I discarred him. That's what I had. So I don't know. Is that as that love? We'd have to make up a new word for that. We got to make up a work for that. I'lk. I call it ALC love. I had alk love, you know, and that's what I call it out you know, and anybody's experience that we are always thinking about the person. You know, so Shu and then, you know, that's what I had, you know. And then they finally should finally told me, come on, drunk more time, I'm leaving you and I and I should kick me out, because I came I'm drunk that night and that was the end of my marriage. And then we went to a marriage counselor. You know, I got a wife, I got a five year old kid. I've got to pass my beach and marriage counselor says my wife. She says we want to change about Russell and she's saying something I don't remember because I wasn't listening. I wasn't listening because I had a date with a redhead that night. I'm the broken free. When I hit the steps, I said I'm free, free to go to the bar. I could stay in the bar. I was never not to go to the bar. And then he asked me, turns to me and I said this is going to screw up out anything. I finally got out of this thing. She kicked me out and it's and he said to me, Russ, what do you want to change about your wife? Said, I just wanted do other women. And that was the end of the marriage and that was the end of the session. And and I was a lorrier, but what I really was was an asshole in a three piece suit. And when I said that, I didn't think anything of it. I didn't think anything of what she felt, because you wanted US something. In my entire life as an alcohol FRID AA and even after a to a certain extent, I never thought of anybody else's feelings except my own. So don't talk to me about your fucking feelings. The only feeling that's important to me is how I feel. You could be dying there in the street. You know, the problem with this thing is once you get involved this deal, all of a sudden you look back and you start thinking, I can't be by said that, man, the effect I must had on her. You know that kind of thing. That's it. And you know something I said that I was cold stone. Sober. I'd love to...

...blame everything I did on everybody on alcohol. Alcohol made me do it. Most of the Times I heard people and I just pointed them I was cold stone. So that's the disease I have. I have a disease where I'm an asshole with the drinking. You know, I'm probably a nice I was a nice guy, but I was drinking, I'm an asshole and it self centered for bitch, you know, when I'm not drinking. So what does this have to do with the third step? So what's the problem? You know what happens when you stop drinking, and you may not even understand this for many, many years. It may take the first ten years or sobriety to see what alcoholism is really about. It's not about the drinking. It's not about the drinking. Alcoholics drink because they have alcoholism. They have alcoholism when they're not drinking. Ye have some when they're not drinking. They have alcoholism before they start drinking. They have alcoholism during the drinking. They got alcoholism after they stop drinking. Alcoholism goes on. You know, the bottom line is you may not know what goes on because the fact matter is you don't know what it's really about. But if you're fortunate and it's going to happen, because that's the nature of disease, as you go on in life without the booze, you're going to realize from time to time that you're unhappy or you're nervous, are you're anxious or you're angry or what the hell, life is just shit and you're just shit, and you're going to say to yourself at three months or six months or nine months or one years, what the Fuck is wrong with me? I'm not drinking, I feel like Shit, I'm not drinking, I'm very depressed. You may tell it to a doctor. I'm very, very depressed, I'm very, very nervous. Doctors don't really know. You know what I mean. But you start telling the doctor because you haven't done the four step, of the fifth step or any of the steps, or you don't have a sponsor. You know, when you don't do stuff like that, you feel even worse. So you start telling the doctor you don't feel good or you're feeling depressed, or you can't sleep and shit like that, which is what happens when people don't do the steps and they don't work the program and they don't have a higher power or anything like. They start telling doctor that they gonna do what doctors do. They're going to say it, they're going to hand you a pill and they're going to say, try these things, this will make it all better. But what they're really saying, this what they're really saying. They're saying this before you start handing your your disease over to an expert. This is what they're really saying. They're saying, he's saying, listen, I idea what the fuck is wrong to do. But why don't you chew on this Shit, you know what I mean, and maybe it'll quiet you down so I can deal with somebody has a real problem. You know, that's what they're trying. I got, but the problem is, you see, a pill won't give you integrity. A pill won't won't help you care about in love other people. Pill kill my sort of dull you down or something, but it ain't going to turn you from a selfish son of a bitch which somebody really cares about, somebody. There's got to be some sort of incredible transformation. How do you turn a guy who doesn't give a shit about anybody else and their life except themselves and acquiring things. How do you turn a guy into somebody that the only thing is pointed to them is his like Bill Wilson said, the Lord has been so wonderful to me cure me of this terrible disease. I got to keep talking about him, telling them as a bit, as a guy who wants to give all credit to Lord, to God, to making God the centerpiece of his life and help other people and enjoy the shit out of it and experience the joy women. How do you turn that guy from that guy to the other guy? How does that happen?...

And it only happens through a paragraph than yourself, which I choose to call God. Now, how do you do that with a guy who's a defined out arrogant alcoholic who thinks he's the smartest guy in the room and if you try to tell him anything, his basic reaction is, why don't you just go fuck yourself? That's a miracle. That's a miracle. How do you tell a guy like that that his real problem is he has to develop relationship with God when everything in his body, which is part and parcel of alcoholism, because they have a thing called chapter of the agnostics. They say I'm your code of morals, better possible life and helped us be sober long time. It doesn't help us because we don't have the power. We have no power, we're powerless. Listen, there is one who has all power. That one is God. May you find him now. They're not shitting you. You know what I mean. Half measures of ellast nothing. There's no middle road. Good God is either everything or he's nothing. You know, we were on a new base, the base of trusting your life on God. It's all about God and it's all about deal with people that just will not accept that share it. They'll send in a rooms for twenty years, probably stay sober, never be rocked in for a mention of existence, and they'll sit in a rooms all over the country and say we don't talk a lot about the God thing, we might scare the newcomer. Bullshit. You don't scare the newcomer, it's scaring your ass because you don't want to do it. You want to visit most. Son of a bitch. You are, you know what I mean, making believe you're sober and you're being rocket and you're using that as an excuse? Not, because where is the newcomer going to go? Let me tell you something. By the time I got here, I ain't going nowhere. You COULDA say they were probably talking about God, Jesus, whatever it is. Nobody's going to chase me out of the room because I got to tell you something. I know about you. I did not want to drink and there were no other groups in town handling the not drinking club thing. So I'm just lucky that the Christians didn't come to get me, because I'd be down at the airport right now with a tambourine. You know what I mean? That's the deal for me, you know. And so the bottom lines and most of people don't want to tell about God because they're scared if we talked about it, they might actually have to do it, and so they make believe they have a fellowship that's let's call it a light, pasteurized to margenized a a, a form of religion without power, a form of fellowship without power, and people dropping off the face of the earth because bar called few are chosen and ninety percent of the people that come. You Know How many? Used to be a statistic. I know where they had but this one. I heard one half of one percent stay over for more than twenty years. That's like one and two hundred. Say So from the twenty years. Another once say so more twenty years. Believe me, and I know him because I sponsor him. There's a lot of guys with thirty years that are miserable here. They're in alcohol, sober for a while, says feel better, look better, having better time. We smiled such salad. We know he'll try the old game again because he's not happy with his sobriety sooner. In the loneliness is few do. I've been drink it ten years, fifteen year, twenty years, thirty years. WHY DO PEOPLE DRINK AT ten years? Why do people drink at twenty years? Why don't trickle people drink at five years? In a because of a clean for alcohol. I understand the craving mechanism. I stand the chemical thing. I'm send once they have one, once I have one potential chip, I got to have another one. I understand that. But if the twenty years ago in these programs ten years six months, how about three months? How about one month? For you're not on alcohol, you drink. That has nothing to do with fucking alcohol has to do with something called alcoholism. It has to do with untreated alcoholism. People drink at twenty years because they were never sober. There are two groups in here. There's the not drinking club and there's a rocket in the Fourth Dimension Club. Don't kid yourself, you'll meet some of us as you try to rudge the road of happy destiny. Thank God, Pep. You and I know what Dr Bob said.

I know what the founder said, I know Dr Bob said. If you're an atheist and agnostic, got some sort of intellectual product that keeps your fun, understand what hell we're telling you. I feel sorry for Your heavenly father will never let you down. And so we introduce people in this group to the third step. So, okay, here's the steps. And what is the third step? You get down on your knees and say the third step, prayer, and now you're done. Right, that's what I did. I got down on my knees and my bathroom I locked the door, must in case somebody would come in. I wouldn't want to be caught that dead. That way, I locked the door. I got down to two third steps. I'm done. I turned my life well over to God. I felt her and it did sort of works. It's sort of like it's sort of like a little baptism, a little something, little circumstance, whatever the heck. It is something where you go in the room and say I did the third step and so I'm done. Right, not even close. Not If you want, we haven't only go to any length to get it, then you ready to take certain steps. Not even close. People, you know, a has gone to replace that was God centered. I'm not even going to go to the whole thing about that. will do that later. God centered to a place where we applaud atheism. You know you're going to. You're going to have to make a choice somewhere along line whether or not want to be sober, a sober man. You know, we got it. There's a big difference between being ready to do the third step and being a highly ready to have God removed of all your defects of character. What's entirely ready me? I'll tell you this. It separates the men from the boys. I'll tell you this as a great separation. I'll tell you this. That's what entirely I can tell you that. There's a big you know, you let me explain to you something so you understand something clearly, as clear as I can say it. Read the Big Buck of alcoholics. Anonymous say rebuild story, rebuild story, and I can't. I don't have time to go through the whole thing about emotional sobriety and the essay he wrote. Everything. will go through that another session. But let me, let me explain to you where this whole thing came from. Bill. Bill was in his story, and I'm going to proper phrase this, this is what he says. He says that he was approached by every factor and he was talked about God and he didn't want to hear it. He didn't just like it says in that chapter the agnostics. You know what it says. We want we had to have a mere code of form. We had to have God, this sort of thinking, agnosticism, all this had to be abandoned. That's what the whole thing is. That they wrote a chapter agnostics basically is say don't be agnostic, don't be an atheist. They take a stand and a a about that. Don't be telling me that you're doing the steps and you're an atheist or you're doing the steps in your in a knot. You can't. You supposed to turn your will. And what? What does the pain to believe that? What does it? Become entirely ready to have God remove all the defensive character? Well, if you don't believe in God, who I would? How does that work? You become intimended to have sheldon remove my defective character, have the a group remove my dull text of character. You guys, I mean a a, the felter, your Ba. It ain't. Well, people's anonymous, you know. Do you, guys, entirely ready to have Oh, I get I'm tire ready to have me remove my defective character, but I'm powilous. How does that work? How do you do the step? How do you make chocolate cake and take the fucking chocolate out of it and big believe? You know what that is? That's make believe thinking. That's out imaginary thinking. That's how you lat has, how alcoholics can lie to each other and lie to themselves and make believes and saying that's why they drink again because they're not work in a program.

That's the deal. That's how that's how it happened. And so what? Well, probably drink. So so in any that so the bottom line is is but as you go along. But you know, that's what build with. So owned Bill Wilson Story. This is what he says. You look it up. This is what he says. You're about God, God in the universal and sort of something. Since I didn't want to hear just what he says. I did not want to hear it. Then they talked to me about God personal to me, a personal God, personal to me, he said. I really didn't want that Shit. I spread up on that Shit. I really didn't want to hear that Shit. He doesn't use word Shit. I threw that in there. So your but I'm you'll see if you look it up in the book, he says. Then they suggested to him, well, why don't you just choose? You know, you can make up a god that you like. And he says that I could buy. That's exactly what he says. He says I could do that. I couldn't go with a personal God. I couldn't believe it Wisdmas God, but a God I can make up. That I could. That I could do. Now I'm not saying that's bad and that's maybe for a newcomer, because when the spiritual kindergarten. But understand that God, as you understand him, was away. What's was the starting point getting people to the point where they would eventually call God God. GET OVER IT and lose all prejudice, even its organized religion, and never apologize for God. We never apologize for God. All men of faith have courage. They trust God. We never apologize. How we let him demonstrate our lives will. That is straight out of book a a saying to Pete when Bill Wilson said you can make up your own God. Make up whatever you want to say. You know, the rabbit can be your God. You know the group whatever can be got. That was a way of he he being babies who were who were defiance, who wouldn't do the program to walk into the Damn Room. Nowadays most people think that's the way it's supposed to be forever. Nowadays people think that's the whole standard of a A. I know a's not a lie when he's sect the nomination religion, but I'm just suggest you you better get your ass a lot if you're going to live in this crazy world. There's going to be shit going on in your life, from cancer to be believing, and people dying and stuff going on. You know what I mean? It's going to be a lot of shit going on. Like you better get lied, you know you're going to learn. One day. They you're going to get the one day, maybe twenty years, you're going to realize the room make going to help. You're going to be going all the means, you're going to be dead, everything in the world try to stay sober and you're going to be driving a car saying to yourself, I'm an Asshole, I wish I was dead. Then what are you going to do when a doesn't work, when you're just, you know, hanging on by a thread? You know, because that's what it's about. You know, that's what what do you do when the God they're talking about, there is one who has all power. That one is God. May you find him now. What do you do when the God that has all power it's not stually the God that you made up in your own mind? What do you do when the God that has all power the Guy Mate? What do you do when the God you made up in your own mind doesn't help with the with the breast cancer? What are you doing? You have breast cancer and they say it's aggressive. What are you gonna do when you don't have God? They just have something you made up in your own mind. What are you doing? Shit, get serious. What are you gonna do when the IRS clears? That all your fonds? What are you gonna do when you're broken? You being and you're being in your house is being foreclosed on? What do you do with one of your children dies are as cancer? Who you going to pray to? WHO YOU gonna who? You gotta call ghostbusters. You're gonna call something you made up in your own mind that you're not even clear on.

What the sub what are you gonna do? You're going to walk around like a bunch of thumb sucking cry babies, or are you going to drink? Or you going to be miserable, or you'll be depressed? Or are you to go to the doctor? He's going to give you a few pills. How you gonna face like? How you gonna face the real deal? You know it's not easy out there. I don't know if you guys been watching what's going on. You know they all line up saying what can I do for you to help you? It ain't working like that, is it? They're working like that. And here's the bottom line. It's like my spoons told me. Then you're called a few. The truth is, what you're ultimately going to learn is that most people that an a don't do it that way. That's the way they did. You read doctor bottom the good old times. That's the way they did in one thousand nine hundred and thirty five, thirty thirty seven, thirty eight, thirty nine, forty forty one do it these days. That's not the way they do it. They don't do it that where. You know they, they, they, you know you're gonna you make the choice. A true alcoholics are called to make the choice between being emotionally sober and trust in God and being cool. They'll choose most aalchey's not even some will choose cool every time. That's why you sit in meetings and you may want to even say the word God, but you don't say it. You say HP High Up, you say everything but God, because in your mind you're worried about what the guy sitting next to you, who isn't even paying your fucking Visa Bill, what he's going to think about you. And let me tell you something, when the God is all over the steps and God is all over the books and there is one was will power. That's God and he's only hope of salvation when God is that deal. And Bill Wilson believed in God and Doctor Smith believes in God and you're scared to say the word God at a meeting where it's all over the wall. Don't ever, ever expect that you're going to lose fear of other people. You will never lose fear of other people, what they think about you. And still until you start doing the real deal, you know, start dealing. I'm going to end with this one thing where a couple minutes. You know, I have a sponsor when I was I'm not going to talk about this whole thing now. I'll talk. I'm going to tie it up later. I just wants to name John Glenn. I met when I start going to Bible study when I had eleven years. I started going because it wasn't working for me. You know, I was doing everything in AA. I was going back with chairman for two years. I was doing ever, I was on the relay for eight years. I was doing the whole bit sponsoring and it had moved and the bottom line is it wasn't working for me. I wasn't happy and I wasn't miserable, but I wasn't happy. Miserable every once in a while, but mostly yeah, happy, miserable, anxious. Yeah, I wasn't whatever. Whatever that rocketship in the fourth dimension was experience much of Heaven, joy living. I wasn't that. After doing this thing real hard, and some guys suggested, you know, why don't I go to Bible study in my first reaction was, I don't go to bout study because we live in dead right, you know, because most people they say I'm spiritual, not religious. They put down religion because we're so righteous. You know what I mean? You know that's what happens. And so I started going there and I met got him, John Glenny, at sixty years to sobriety, and he was a baptist missioner and and we would go out to dinner and I'd started eating, because you can look at me, you know I like to eat. And he'd say what are you doing? I said, I mean, he says we can eat, he says we have to give thanks first, and the middle of the restaurant with all sense people around, he bow his head and I bound my head and needs start saying a prayer and it wasn't like one of these short prayers like, you know, thanks for the GRUB. It was like a long sort of Baptist prayer something, you know what I mean. And I'm looking around, see was looking at me, because I'm wearing about what. They're looking at me and and then he would finish, and then he looked at me and say, you know, Russell, now the food will taste better because it's got...

...that special ingredients. How cheesy. So I started doing that, you know, and I started I started doing that. I started praying before me and you know something, people, nobody was looking at me. Nobody cared. I do that every day to day with my buddies and the guy's I sponsor and and, you know someone. I started calling God, God, and not worrying about what other people thought about me and started really opening up and becoming an open minded doing precisely following the clear cut directions they talk about in the in the book. When I started doing that, you know what happened to me? I stopped worrying about what other people thought about me. I haven't do strange shit. I told about God all the time. You're not gonna believe this. And talked about this shit and AA meetings, bold one, I do. I talked about it in conventions. I say Jesus. I talked about bibles. I say also, they share. You know, they have banned me. Yet some guy told me. He said, you know, my sponsor says you're good speaking, but you talk too much about God. It's a bad like that on my tombstone. He talked too much about God. I said, well, I guess if they don't like it, they'll stop asking me to talk. And all I know was all I do is I talked about Lord and what he's done for me, and they invite me to speak it more and more places. I don't know why. I guess somebody wants to see it. Maybe I'm like an odd ball, you know what I mean. So you can just, you can eat, you can need to decide whether you're going to be the real deal in here, the genuine article, for you're just going to be cool. You know, you just going to be cool. My kids, I'll tell you this. I have I for beautiful kids, fantastic kids, right and grant kids, and my kids think they were brought up with this program and everything that my kids think recovered alcoholics are cool. They think drunks are uncool. How do you like that? You know, is that amazing? They think we covered alcoholics that go to church. By the way, you do know in the big book it says membership, says most of us, most of us, belong to such organizations because we're trying to grow in the image and likeness of God, and so we hang out, because the person you are in the next five years will depend upon the people you hang out with in the books you read. The books you read depend upon who you hang out with. And the big button says in the big book says we encourage Church membership. You know what they say in a rooms. They say we're church will not religious. I'm not spiritual material. I know who I am. A material, you know. You take me away from these rooms, you take me away from God. I'm looking at the redhead all the time. You know what I mean? I know who I am, I know what I know, what I lust form, when I look for and what I'm danger of. And that's why God so because if you want to know how to divorce your thinking from comparing your inside to other people's outsides and worrying about whether you have a new car or an old car, or worrying about whether you're goodlooking or fat, or worrying about whether or not you have money in the back that you don't have money, or worrying about your job, or worrying about the things in this world, or worrying about all the shit you don't have. If you'll try to figure out how do you get out of that addiction to the shit in this world and comparing yourself that way, I got news for you. The only way out is God. The only way out is making them the center of the cent pieces of your life. I know that because big book says if you want to be rocketed in the fourth dimension of existence, the great fact is this, and nothing less, God has to become the center piece of your life, and you have become convinced that he lives in your heart and mind in a way which is indeed miraculous. He's doing for you what you can't do for yourself. So listen. I hate to tell you this. I don't care what they you hear about an a rooms, but I'm just quoting book of alcoholics, anonymous. You may think all this other Shit and o the Church thing. All is extra credit.

I'll tell you when things start really happening, when you decide you're going to do the extra credit and not roll your eyes and laugh at Shit like that, you understand. That's the way it works. Okay, that's why I have to say.

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