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AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 1 month ago

Russell S. Talk 3 at the Solutions Group 10/20/2021 - "Ready or Entirely Ready"

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Russell S. Talk 3 at the Solutions Group, West Dixie Club, Miami, FL 10/20/2021 - "Ready or Entirely Ready"

Thank you, but I was Rossland analcohol. I remember the South Sixty Group, it's great to be here- and I wasjust talking about this group as I was on a meeting rolling with STB and andhe was mentioning this group late, because that's when I first met Steviewhen he came in was like twenty years ago, twenty one twenty two years ago,and it's great to be here- this mean I do a lot of Zo meetings about someyoung people here that I love you know from all over the world and and but Ialso do it's good getting back to these meetings I'll be over the west sidemen's or is it wir like Westside, mens night? I mean the last time I spoke.There was thirty five years ago. It took them that long to fucking get overit. You know what I mean and Jesus some people are very touchy. Youknow what I mean, and so I'm here to comfort the disturb anddisturb the comfortable and say a lot of I'm going to say as muchcrap as I can possibly say so that it disturbed when you hate me when youwalk out who the hell invite that Asshole, you know what I mean so fiveyears, not from so live. You can come up to me and say you know I used tohate you, but now I love you or something like that. Whatever they sayyou know what is that great line from Cupid ten? The truth, you can't handlethe truth when you know when you're insane, when you come in here andyou're in you're insane. Is Your Ann Alcoholic? You start running to samepeople, don't tell you shit, you don't said I belie that crap, you know and Ijust want to stop drinking. I don't want to do any of that other stuff. Soso it's I the supposedly I mean I don't put any pressure on the lot of peoplecoming and say. Well, this must be step number three. It's going to be step,number three and step number said: Send a bunch of other stuff elle, whateverit is, you're going to hear whatever you're going to hear you know, and it's I tell that story. These are truestories. You know I've been around I'm in my forty first year, so it says ourstories disclose in general way what we used to be like when happened, what weare now, so I got a lot of stories. I got stories before I drank I hadstories. While I was drinking, I got drunk a lot of stories. I don't reallytell that much and I got stories for forty forty one years of stories as thestories about victory and worryin about what this disease isreally Abad and stuff like that, so well, just sort of mix them all loveand throw them into the the blender and see what comes out. You know and you'regoing to hear what you're going to hear and until this one you know, I toldthis trick. Em on the roof story is a true story, but it's given idea howthis thing works and I got us in charge. I was doing it was about thirty five.Thirty six years ago I was down in homestead doing the step series likethis, and I have no idea what I was talking about when I had four or fiveMars Ud hell knows, but I was doing. I was saying something and I don't know what step I was on andwhat the story was, but it was going. There was a bunch of a bunch of peoplethat home sad and I was talking to him and- and I got this feeling you knowbecause I'm an alcoholic, so it's all about the feelings right. You knowanybody says you get into your feelings, shoot the son of a bitch. You know whatI mean. I've been in touch with my feelings, my entire life. You know youcan put people in front of you that are dying of cancer. You know whatever itis. You know what I mean all I think about. Is You know? Why is thishappening to me? You know- and I mean I just sound so in touch with my highfeelings. You know your feelings will tell you get rid of them. You know youknow you just find your inner child and slap the shit out of them. Then youknow tell you what they're rid of themfeelings. You know, there's like teenagers. Do that right. I thoughtwith teenagers like that. These feelings, you know, and so I was downthere and I was doing this meaning and I don't know I probably looked atsomebody looked at me funny or they weren't all cracking up in my joke. Sowhatever aid was, I didn't feel the love. You Know Alcoholic when youultimately learn says. Listen to a haand such as alcohol is in all itsconsequences is proble. Prepares to the true happen is to find out at all bythe way Ye see me doing stuff. I gets...

...from the book it's from the Big Bukesfrom the twelve and twelve from Bo, it's from our Comoro material andapparently there are consequences being alcohol more than just the drinking asa matter of fact. Apparently, according to the book, this is my theory. Thedrinking is the least of the problems. Can you believe that the drinking leaveo the problems? It's only a symptom disease, the real disease centers inyour mind, not your body. So apparently, when they say we Horgan Yourself, willwe restore you to seence and there is a cow that can restore you to sanity oryou can remain insane and ultimately that power does work by the way it willrestore the sanity, but in been pieces you know it's not it's not like. All ofa sudden, it works like that. It's not a door as fast as Scotch Scotch works.PRETTY QUICK! You know alcohol, that's why I'm an alcohol, because no no woman,no car, no amount of money ever work quite as well, and fight as fast asjust a fewdrinks is that for me I mean I that's okay, I used. I used to rag onpeople that had phones going off during the meetings Eh, but I get upset. You know it's a lack ofsobriety on my I get upset and then one day one day is true story. One day, I'mragging on somebody. I made some sort of statement. Anybody has a phone onthe meeting, isn't really sober some. I say Shit like that just to just to Pisspeople off and bother them. You know, as you know, once you once they'repissed off at you. You know one thing you know you know if they're pissed offat you, they're listening, you get it they're listening if they're, small andthey're, not necessarily, but if they're pissed off they're fuckinglistening, do you you know, and what are we going to do? They're pissed off?Listen, they go outside they're either got to drink because they have resentor they're gonna write it down to do an inventory list, pray about it, talktheir sponsor and they're going to say he can find out what the problem is.You know what I mean and why they apprised me and and they're going tolove me they're, going to pray for me and love me. They got out choice. Is that's thetough thing so so I'm at this man, I'm talking and and and I'm looking, youknow, you know how we are we're just so. The Real, the wrong dens of others.Fancy the rear, real imaginary shit drives US crazy, because because don'tyou know if you're an alcoholic one of the consequence of being out Pogis, youcan read people's minds, you know and you and you can outsomebody know all about him like I'd be in a bar. I was a lounge lizard. Youknow every night, I'm there at the Bar, looking the nail, something you knowand and and I'd been looking at the door and some guy we walked in with agood looking Gal too looking blonde or something like I turned to my friendI'd, say: Look at that Asshole! I immediately didn't like them. Youknow. I just knew I didn't like that guy, I don't know what it you an isround something you. You know what they're thinking about you know up, but then you know you just walk inthe bar. You say you want to belong to the group. You know like you do becauseyou re out foker. Also, please don't reject me. A hall, like you know, tellme I'm wonderful. All I can I wanted to join the group. The groupexcept I take a couple of shots of that shit. You know the Scotch and I feltlike I owned, the freaking group. You know you know what it does for you. Youwant to go up to that good, looking Gal, but you're scared. What if she rejectsyou and last at you or something like that to couple of shots of that WHOgives you shit? You know you walk up to them and they say no, thank you. So heyyou're a lost bitch. You know what I mean. It's like Duende, something itturns you into. I don't know somebody who doesn't about we ever that isapparently Apolis is something to do with anxiety, worrying about yourselffor worrying about other people. Think about you, although you tell you someall the time you don't give a shit with other people. Think about Oh yeah. Dois think about that crap! That's what your brain is like a giant zoo.

I had the I had a zoo brain you rightmater. You know what a zoo brain is and no cages all the fuck animals are loosealmost like you guys they're all over these there's a thousand animals. I hate every pin. One of them is youknow what I mean. I got a grudge against every old UN. You know, I'm youknow every once in a while a Gettin the fights with him in my brain. You know Imean they're living rent free there, and let me I'm fighting this one on mybrain fighting that one of my brain you know sometimes so I'm murdering, so Ikill them. I am I killed their wives, kill the kids in front of them, thenafter their dead. I resurrect them and I kill him worse. You know what I mean,because what I wanted to suffer for all they did for me. Sometimes I talk to me about my ti.Sometimes I have a conversation there's nobody. I can have a conversation withmy. I can't have a conversation with any of zoom reachers. You understandwhat I'm saying because they stand me in their asshole anyway, so I'm not gotabout them, but but luckily for me, I'm also in my brain, and so I can talk tomyself about the creatures of my brain, and I just have this great committeegoing you're an asshole American, I wot a ther stuff going on it and I don'teven think here's the great thing I'm doing all this shit with fifteenthousand people, my brain all bad thoughts about myself and other people.Here's the great part. I don't even see a problem. I don't see a problem because myalcoholic life seems the only normal one. I can't separate the two of thefolk to me. This is it to me. This is ever since I was. I don't need alcoholbe like this. As a matter of fact, the alcoholsometimes and makes the creatures go away, make some go away. You know whatI mean and yet real the creatures. You know and no no that's the way. I am sober. Lis Yer go just content, fighting all thecreatures, all the bullshit who do they think they are. They have no idea whothey have. No idea who I am you don't know who you're fucking with you know.Why is this always happening to me? You know, I can't believe this bullshit.You know what a loser you're, a loser, you're a loses, an asshole, and when I, after I do that for all,then I just that things like I'm such a jerk. I never get anywhere, I'm such aloser. I talk to myself a little like that. You know when you talk to you when youstop by the way, sometimes you be in the shower driving. You say things likealso this voice says it's such a hassle. You aught to kill yourself, and so you turn around sees telling youthat Shit and you're the only one in the car when you say when you're sayingthat stuff. Just up your wondering what that's all about. That's yourreputation about you with your stuff. That's what you really think about you! Ye Unworthy holy a piece of shit, a real phony,Baloney, piece of crap, hoping that now nobody will ever find out. They ask howyou really are, and but you know the good thing is iswith phones these days you can tap and if you're texting somebody and facebookwere you doing all this shit? What happens? It's distracting you fromrealizing what an asshole you are. Well, you can go to the movie, so you canturn on TV or you can go get late or you can talk to a woman or you can doyou get you do a lot you just have to keep busy and whatever you do avoidsilence. Silence is real bad for an alcohol, because then you startthinking about shit. It's all bad shit. You know what I mean. I know it's badshit, because every time a poncy or grand sponsor somebody comes up to meand says to me. You know I was thinking bad shit comes out of their mouth. Youknow like says you know I'm having a problem. He says really what's thewrong, he says: Well, I've been...

...thinking and that's it here comes thebullshit. I mean I've been thinking you know, but that's how they used to curealcoholism with lobotomies, and you know so. I got this. This thing calledalcoholism and I don't even know what it is, because I don't even think- andyou know something I tend to hang around people. That think me. If I'm not talking behind my becauseone of the things you do if you're not called, you should like to talk badshit about other people beyond their back. They call it gossip. You know.Gossip is like what women do, what men? They don't do that man, we just saybatshit about other people on that back, hey. You know that guy you don't likethat. Rouhak ask how he is yea. He as like yeah he's an assal or you know.Who Else is you know? Who else is an aunt who George Total fucking asshole?You know what I mean and, and I do that it's a form of conversation. I don't, Idon't think, there's anything wrong with that, because everybody in the bartill we do the same same thing. We just wait for the other guy to be done, sowe can talk about all sols in our lives. You know and- and the reason you do.That is because- and I don't know how this works- I'm not a psychologist, I'msure it's some sort of psychological thing, but if I can get in aconversation with you talking bad shit about other people and especially ifyou agree with me, it makes me feel better. You believe that it makes me feelbetter and nobody can arrest you for driving while thinking bad thoughts about otherpeople. In other words, you can do see that'sthe real lot. The alcoholism is not the drinking, that's just a symptom of analcoholic alcohol strint cause, they can't stand their fucking life soberthey hate sober, is painful. You get to the point, the alcohol s,the only thing that seems to be the only word to get to the point e. Wehave to give up the alcohol, because your life is physical and you give upthe alcohol, then you're, dealing with an you got a real problem. Then you'redealing with you know, Ralph he's an asshole. You know joy, then you'redealing with the real deal with no Anastasia with no Scott or anything like that. If you're lucky go to meetings, get asponsor, you know you listen to people they sort of like they sort of like thestrether from the bullshit. You feel a little bit better and then you go backhome and man before you even hit the door. You're thinking bad shit aboutyourself and other people never goes away, never goes away. It'sthe brain shit. You know what I mean, so I'm at this meaning and homestead,and- and you know it's like like I said you know-we were like my I'm just getting- I'm just I'm not getting good vibes. Youknow from the group and it's the worst. I ensueing in myopinion, the worst meeting. I it was on third step like this men s supposed tobe on Thursday S. it's the up. Until this point, that was theworst meeting on the third step ever in Alcoholis, and so I you know they so Ileft and I wasn't going to go back. I I'm going back there. You know, becausethat's what alcoholics do they just don't go back. You know they just eventhough they make it a commitment, they don't go back, but I had to go back. Ihad to go back because I got to the point at least after three or fouryears or fibby years, whatever it was that because my sponsor jumped into myhead when anybody else should do something they or say yes, and I hadone thing going for me and only one thing really: What did they think I didn't want todrink? And I was one of these guys. I'm notone of these guys like if you drink, you can always come back, that's notthe way they taught me, but they taught me if you drink. You may never comeback, so I always figured that if I drink I ain't I back not because Idon't want to. I just thought I...

...wouldn't be able to come back and and-and I and he had linked up, he had sawau linked up in my mind, not do it if I sort of things that weretypically alcoholic like making e ses on not going back and not going to meet.He used to say to me when I make an excuse to not going to me, and he saysyou know ruse when you're making an excuse to not go to a meeting. Maybe inthe back of mind your mind, you're thinking it's okay to drink again and Iwould believe him. I would believe that Shit. You know, I would believe him. I believe that he brat, I said I thinkyour brain wash me says. Maybe your brain needs washing. I believe thatShit, and so I want my brain- is telling me me. I'm telling me theAlcholic is telling me don't go back. They don't like you and my another part of my brain istelling me if you don't go back you're going to drink again and that part oneis one thing I didn't want to drink, and so I went back and before the next meeting, which Iguess was on the fourth step. Whatever some guy comes up me and he says, can Italk to you for a second? I said sure he says I just want you to know that Iwas at your meeting last week and I was sitting in the back of the room. Youdidn't see me. I came in so like almend started and that was the greatest AinanI'd never been to that saved my life, I said really. He says Oh absolutely saysmy wife has left me took my baby. I lost my job. I was going to go drink,but I decided to go to the meeting you know just to see. You know just go tome and see if anybody to say anything and when you said the chick was on the roof. The whole fucking program came alivefrom me and I never said the chicken was on theroom. I took fucking credit for it I mean, Iknow, said Oh yeah Tek on the roof. I knew what he was talking about, becauseI I was. I remember there was a certain part of my start. I was talking alittle poultry, you know what I mean, but he had got. He got it all wrong. Isaid the Turkey was in the basement. You know what I mean. You got the wholething mixed up and I didn't correct them. You know I waswell enough to not correct them, but I then realized you see. I thought my jobwas to carry the message. I thought that's when my job was to carry themessage. I had the wrong idea. You know because because if my job isto carry the message, then, if anybody goes out of Hampti men, a drink side,screwed up, you know I screwed up. I did a lousy meeting or if you don'tlike me, I screwed up. If you don't have my jokes, I screwedup I'm just like a bad, you know and and then I realized I said, I realizedthat that's not at all my job is to try to carry the message. I don't care the message. God cars, yousee, you see that night. I probably did the worst third step meeting I've everdone in my life, but it was the best fucking eating. I could do that night. It was the best thing I could do thatnight as bad as it was- and I said Turkey, the basement and when floating around across theroom, all the way to the back room to some guy. I didn't even know Turkey inthe basement. Turkey in the basement, Turkey, in the basement, and it goesinto his ears- is exactly what he needs to hear andall of a sudden he hears chicking on the roof and the whole thing comestogether for he, and I start thinking that maybe I've got like the power, youknow what I mean and I got nothing because and I go to a combeth and I'll,be speaking this like a couple thousand people in speaking of the conventionand some guy comes up. He says man that was, and it doesn't matter black whiterich for path, fats. Then it's on it's like man, you're talking about me. SomeGal comes off up. He says talking about me, you're talking, I'm not talkingabout it, talk about me and he and they...

...say man when you said this, andsometimes they get it right. I did say that, and I know then you say that it'sa whole different thing. You know he says. Oh I heard the second step, be. Iheard the third step after the tenth step. I heard the WHO knows what theHell's going on there. I have nothing to do with it. You know you hearwhatever you hear, you can get a really it's. You know the world. Is it'sreally, you know what you see what you hear, and so, if you got a hundredpeople in here, you know we got a hundred different meetings going on and you'll walk out of here, and someguy will remember once out of an hour. You'll remember one thing: it might even be something I actuallysaid: Maybe not maybe lead to something else. Another guy remember a completelydifferent thing. Another A and one guy would say. I hate that guy, I remember,won't, remember anything at all until like a year pronouncing. I rememberthat Guy said that you know what I mean and and we're just sitting here, tryingI'm just sitting here trying to do what it says in the big book.Because of what happened to me, my transformation, you know what a dooryoung said, ideas, motions and attitudes that are the diving force ofthese men's lives to push the one side they become dominated by hole you setof ideas, emotions and attitudes. So I go from a guy who's, looking the nailsome Gal or get some car, you know to a guy who's, just looking see whether Ican help, but somebody else you know because entreat everybody like theyhave a broken heart because they probably do and so all of a sudden I find myselfgoing around because it says once you make a sincere to sit above everythingwe let's get rid of this selfish must story kills us.How do you get rid of Septis when you don't even think you're selfish? It says we must get rid of it and itsays God makes that possible to once. You make a sincere decision of sinceredecision for him. Also, its remarkable things happen to being all powerfulgives you everything you need if you stay close to it, whoever he is and perform his works. Well, his workart to be a maxum service to him through helping other people like theGood Samaritan, and so what happens when you start helping other people? Iguess it's like extra credit, you don't even know why you're doing it- and nextthing you know you're doing more and more next thing. You know you'refeeling better and better and all of a sudden, you get to a point in your lifefor seventy two years old married forty years, seven soon to be eight grandkids,four kids and self supported to my own contribution dens, and what are youdoing all of a sudden you've been around the world? You've done all theshit. You know, you've done all this stuff and all of a sudden, all Suddon the greatest time you'rehaving in your life, is trying to but cos she care about them. What happens when what happens when,with all the things that you thought would work for you, the girl, the Sax,the money, the car never worked for you before a a after a never work, for younever really work permanently, to give you a feeling of fulfilment anda purpose in life, and when you started trying to help other people and love onother people, just like they said in the big book which you, which was thelast thing you wanted to do in here. You want to come in here and getsomething to go out and rip rape and run and get all the things you lost andwhen all of a sudden, you start doing your stuff. What do you do when youfound the only thing in your life that actually works and it works? You know I was told a long time ago, ifyou, if you don't know why you're on theplanet earth and have a purpose before you reach the age of thirty you're,going to be one motic son of a bitch, and I was oneneronic one bitch, because I didn't have any purpose for years. I was suremy purpose was to make money. Have Sex get married, what you name all role. You know I I remember you know I go to pick up whenI was like twenty years old or eighteen years old and nineteen eight andHarriet a few bucks.

I've never been able to keep money inmy pocket because, because that's Scotch is not what you learn ultimatelyafter you stop. This thing is that Scotch is not the only higher powerScotch was my hiring power view was my hair, a power. Women was my higherpower, Jotan Hi power money is my hired power. Everything on the plip you canlost, want or need I'm an if Onlie, I don't know what kind of outcomingalcohol to wake up in the morning I say, if only I had a different life if Ionly had a better girl friend, if only I could get hooked up, if only I hadmoney, if only I had I'm an, I got so many things that I absolutely assurewill fix me, and you know why, because they weren'tjust like Scotch work because Scotch didn't work. The woman did work, theScotch works. I mean the woman of the Sass work, the job work, it works, itworks, but it works like the alcohol works. You know, then you worry about.You, spend your life worried about grabbing. That Shit. I mean you can'tgrab it. You get frustrated, you get depressed and maybe you're lucky tograb it and you feel good for a while. Then you worry about keeping it andwhat's gonna Aen, if you can't keep it and me because it's especially women,tough, you know it's not like it's all like a bottle of Scotch that, doesn'tyou know least Scotch won't talk back to you. I mean Scotch, won't say no,you know what I'm talking about, but women. You can't. I mean you know youknow I'm Marrall, forty years. Let me tell you something, the moods. What'sthat all about you know cause she's right to me. I mean I can't controlthem. So I don't you know, I don't you know she the other day she said. Are we going tobe? Are we going to be together in heaven? This is true. You know, I saidI don't know how any it's so death to us part don't be looking for me. Youknow I'm out of here. I I'm a lawyer. I read the contract, you know, that's thedeal, you know and sure you don't know what it's like and you know what happens when you get allthe shit you have no ka and then you get the car and the car gets old or hasa flat and it's like it's got a half life of like a week and then it's backto the fucking. If only again you know so I went down because I'm a guy, Ispend money, I don't have to buy shit, I don't need I don't like and and all that sort of stuff- and Ididn't learn until I was ten years sober and why I was broke all the time.Even though I made a lot of money and that my sponsor to me says when youspend more money than you make you go into something called a know that Ididn't know that as long as I can make the payments youknow just buy shit you know to make because want bind shit makes you feelgood if you're depressed get a hair cut. You know at a change our hair color outof and large your brass. I don't know what you're going to do. You know justchange something lose pounds. Do something get a new pair of slacks. Yougot a new shirt, you know, buy a new car. You know my whole life is thatshit. My whole life is running around buying shit spending money looking forcrap, none of it first. None of it works to prove that I'm not a piece ofShit and as I'm driving my new car with my new girlfriend all was on the boysays you were one piece of shit now. What are you going to do now? You got a real problem, you knowso I went it out down and I bought the car brand new Camaro, one thousand ninehundred and seventy one brandow first thing in the market: Sleek unbelievable.It was bronze with a white land out top really cheesy. Now, if you saw it, butI mean I liked it right- that it was pretty cool, I got a picture of it, mygirlfriend at the time. You know I this true, so we're drawing down the keys. Isaid: Wait, wait, stop right here and I park my car right by the water and Igot out- and I said, take a picture of me with the car. I got the fuckingpicture in my eyes I showed you that said, take a picture of me with the car sure you're laughing. You don't knowwhat it's like. I'm sure you guys never did shit likethat, but in any event, so I get this car and I'm driving onand and I pay with the Pie. So, okay...

...give me the car, because I don't knowabout you, but I want it like now. I media, I need an immediate fit thereain't no waiting, he says! No, no, we got a previte, now forget the, but youpaid for God the Lord. We come back here to me so next morning, I'm therelike seven thirty way be far. Car comes up to the line throughout eight thirtyand Miami Beach, and it's beautiful and it's got like fifty miles on it,whatever it I get in the car. You know I'm about twohundred miles found slighter than I am right now, I'm like a kid. You know I'mbuffing, I got my sun glasses on you know my Tom Cru sun glasses. I got thet shirt on rolled up with the with the cigarettes. I got a cigarette dangingfrom my mouth. I got the windows down, I got my hand out the window with thecigarette in the hand, I'm driving down Alton Road to Miami beach waiting to bediscovered. I'm thinking, I'm thinking that every woman in China is looking atme. You know what I mean like I'm a Yankee Stadium, I'm thinking how many women are there in China, good looking ones. You know what I mean.What do you think a billion? Can I go through a billion in alifetime? You know what I mean. I'm thinking shit like that, I'm I'm analcoholic. I think Weird Shit, you know what I mean and not like you guys. I've got a Stereo,I'm I've got I'm I've got the grave emotional and mental dis sort of thingyou know so, which should give you guys hope, and I come to a light. I come toa light and I know you're well all wondering whatdoes this have to do with third step just hold on I'm gonna, I'm gonnafucking pull this thing off. We're going to get this train rob you're, notgoing to believe this. I'm going to close this thing down. This is going to be as bad as thehomestead men. Okay, I stop in a life in the brand newcamera and some guy, some old fort. You know I'm like Young, I'm like twentyyears old, some old guy. You know some old guy who should be really dead. Youknow probably got like O my age. You know what I mean. I pulls up and abrand new Cadillac Vertabra with the Playboy bunny sitting. Next to me, ifPlayboy magazine, you know, I don't even know what they have it anymore wasmy Bible. You know a play being member the play bug he. I look at him and helooks at me I'm actually looking up at him because my cars, I'm looking at me,he's just Goin to me. I'm looking at him he's looking at me in my mind, andI'm saying why can't I have a car like that, the feeling of being okay? Letthree blocks. You know the payments lasted thirty six month, that's life!That's my wife! I'm sitting there, I'm sitting in college some guy walks onwith legs up to year gorgeous you know cheerleader and everything as a man. IfI could have that Gal I'd be okay, I put on the full court press. You know,you know, we ales, are the charmer and send it myself into her life, herfather's, a doctor and mother's a lawyer, grandmother's boy, allprofessionals I switched majors from from being a math. May I mean I I wasdoing for my my doctrine. Algebra j immediately decided I'm going to be alawyer and people say I just become a lawyer. Why did you become away so Ilike Perry Mas. I said you what you don't want know. Why became lore? Ifigure it out to get in some gals pants. You, you think, that's a crazy motive.That's my entire life going Erin a bar trying to say something to do somethingagain: Somebody's path, that's my life to get a relationship going. If I'm ina relationship I'm up here, I'm okay! If I'm not a relationship on the pestof crap. If I got some all I needed in my life,I could be the best bum in the world, the worst father, the worst and in theworld. If I could get some Gal to like me, there was no problem. I just needed some port yeah o to takepity on me and like me, and I feel okay, I know there was no problem. I think things started really going. Istarted really hitting bottom when they...

...all ran away. It was just imaginaryshit in my mind, where I could listen to radio like I'm, I used to listen tothe song. I missed the blue. Only the lonely, I think about all the GALS. Ithink about funeral a shit like that. You know with all theshit came down on the and everybody left and there was nobody there. That'swhen I knew if was over. So I married this count. We had a kid lived in abeautiful house on my beach, I was a division chief states, turnes office,trying murder everything was wonderful for about. I don't know what six months six months just be wonderful, get andthen I'm drinking to the bar with a homicide, cops and doing all that stuffand I'm looking at the galls on the dance floor, the blondes, the red heads,a Brunette and I'm saying this man, if only I wasn't married all I said home with the baby, I never cheated on her, neverphysically cheated on her. I just sent the bar till four o'clock the morningsaying, if only I wasn't married, that's all I do. Let me tell yousomething: I don't know what you've ever cared about. Somebody or lovesomebody. I don't think I ever loved anybody. I don't even know what Lovewas until I am day. That's the truth. This different between love and lustlove. What I had was whatever what I had is whatever I had. It was a thingwhere you take from somebody you take from somebody to fix yourself and youdon't give them shit. That's what I had. I don't know what word you want to puton it. It has something to do with selfishness. It has to do withsqueezing somebody dry and taking from somebody and making sure they always dothings your way and they better not cross you and I squeezed a hand of themto get whatever I need. You know what I mean when they stop giving me what Ineed. I discard them, that's what I had so I don't know s as that. Well, we'dhave to make up a new word for that we got to make up a work or I'll ye. Icall it Alcala. I had Alciope, you know and that's what I call it out. You knowand anybody's experience that we're always thinking about the person youknow so to, and then you know that's what I had you know and then they.Finally, she finally told me come one drunken with time and leaving yeah I and I she kicked me out because I came homedrunk that night and that was the end of my marriage and then we went to amarriage counselor. You know, I got a wife. I got a five year old kid, I'mGoin to pass my beach and marriage. Counselor says a wife. She says we wantto change about Russell and she's, saying something I don't remember,because I wasn't listening. I wasn't listening because I had a datewith a red head that night I finally broken free. When I hit the steps Isaid I'm free free to go to the Bar, I could stay in the bar. I was never notto go to the bar and then he asked me turns to me, and I said this is goingon to screw up anything. I finally got out of this thing. She kicked me outand it s and he said to me he russ. What do you want to change about yourwife? I said I just want to t be other women, and that was the end of marriage, andthat was the end of the session and- and I was a lower far, but what Ireally was was an asshole in a three piece suit and when I said that I didn't thinkanything up, I didn't think anything of what shefelt, because you want to know something in my entire life as analcohol prior to a a and even after a to a certain extent. I never thought ofanybody else's feelings, except my own. So don't talk to me about your fuckingfeelings. The only feeling that's important to me is how I feel you could be dying there on the street.You know the problem with this thing is once you get involved in this deal. All of a sudden. You look back, and youstart thinking. I can't everybody said that man the effect I must had on her. You know that kind of thing. That's it and youknow something. I said that I was cold...

...stone over I'd love to blame everythingI did on everybody on Oupo alcohol made me. Do it most of the time I heardpeople and I disappointed them. I was cold stone, so that's the disease. Ihave. I have a disease, Roman asshole without the drinking you know, I'mprobably a nice. I was a nice guy when I was drinking, I'm an asshole and itself set is for bitch. You know when I'm not drinking. So what does this have to do with thethird step? So what here's a problem? You know what happens when you stopDurgan, and you may not even understand thisfor many many years it may take the first ten years I sobrie to see whatalcoholism is really about. It's not about to drink it. It's not aboutpithanon alcohol in strength because they havealcoholism. They are alcoholism me when they're,not drinking yeaow they're, not drinking, they have alcohol is thembefore they start drinking. They have alcoholism during the drinking they gotalcoholism after they stop trickin alcoholism goes on. You know the Bobmin.Is You may not know what goes on because the fact matter is you don'tknow what it's really about? But if you're fortunate it's going to happenbecause that's the nature of disease as you go on in life, without the boozeyou're going to realize from time to time that you're unhappy or you'renervous? Are you anxious or you're angry or what the hell life is justshit and you're just sit and you're going to say to yourself at threemonths or six months or nine months or one years what the fuck is wrong withme. I'm not drinking and I feel like Sid,I'm not drinking, I'm very depressed. You may tell it to a doctor, I'm very,very depressed, I'm very, very nervous. Doctors. Don't really know you knowwhat I mean. So you start telling the doctor, because you haven't done thefour step of the fifth step, ready o the stabs or you don't have a sponsor.You know when you don't do stuff like that. You feel even worse. So you stoptelling the doctor, you don't feel good or your feeling depressed or you can'tsleep and shut like that, which is what happens when people don't do the stepsand they don't work the program and they don't have a higher power anythingthey. You start tell doctor that they're going to do what doctors dothey're going to say, they're going to hand you a pill and they're going tosay, try these things, his wil make it all better. But what they're reallysaying this is what they're really saying the same this before you starthanding your your disease over to an expert. This is what they're reallysaying they're saying he's saying: listen. I have idea what the fuck iswrong with you, but why don't you chew on this shit?You know what I mean and maybe it'll quiet you down. So I can deal withsomebody as a real problem. You know that's what they're trying I, but the problem is to see a pill,won't give you integrity a pill. Won't won't help you care aboutin love, other people, Pekia, sort of dull you down orsomething, but it ain't going to turn you from a selfish son of a bitch whosomebody really cares about somebody. There's got to be some sort ofincredible transformation. How do you turn a guy who doesn't giveme shit about anybody else in their life except themselves and acquiring things? How do you turn a guy and to somebodythat the only thing that's pointed to them is his like bill was in said theLord has been so wonderful to make care of me of his trouble seas. God I got tokeep talking about and telling US I be as a guy who wants to give all creditto Lord to God to making God the center piece of his life then help other people and enjoying the shit out of it andexperienced the joy ableman. How do you turn that guy, I from that guy to theother? How does that happen, and it...

...only happens through a paragraph thanyourself, which I choose to call God now? How do you do that with a guy who's, a define, arrogant alcoholic whothinks he's the smartest guy in the room? If you try to tell him anything, hisbasic reaction is, why don't you just go? Fuck Yourself? That's a miracle! That's a miracle. How do you tell a guylike that that his real problem is? He has to develop relationship with God when everything in his body, which ispart and parcel of alcoholism, because they have a think all chapter, theAgnostics, they say a mere code, O morals better for us to live withoutthis be so er long time he doesn't help us because we don't have the power. Wehave no power, we're powerless, listen! There is one who has all power that oneis God. May you find him now? They're, not shitting you. You know what I mean.Half measures, a bell as nothing there's no middle Rodka God is, iseither everything or he's nothing. You know we were on a new base, the base oftrust in your life on God. It's all about God, and it's all about De withpeople that just will not accept that Shit. They'll sit in a rooms for twentyyears, probably stay sober, never be rocked in the formentioned and they'llsit in a rooms all over the country and say we don't talk a lot about the Godthing. We might scare the newcomer bullshit, you don't scare, the newcomer,it's scaring your ass because you don't want to do it. You want to miserableson of a bit. You are, you know what I mean, making believe you're sober andyou being rocket and you're using that as an excuse. Not because where is thenewcomer going to go? Let me tell you something by the time I got here. Iain't going nowhere, you could to say they were probably talking about God,Jesus whatever it is nobody's going to chase me out of the room, because I gotto tell you something I don't know about you. I did not want to drink andthere were no other groups in town handling. The Not Drinking Club thing so I'm just lucky that the Christiansthen come to get me because I be down at the airport right now with itstamborine. You know what I mean. That's the deal for me, you know, andso the bomb lines and most of the people don't want to talk about God,because they're scared. If we talk about it, they might actually have todo it, and so they make believe they have a fellowship. That's let's call ita a light, pastor or is so much, and I say he a form of religion without power,a form of fellowship without power and people dropping off the face of theEarth because Ma called you a chosen and ninety percent of the people thatcome. You know many used to be a statistic. I don't know what they had,but this one I heard one half of one per cent stays over for more thantwenty years. That's like one and two hundred stay so for the twenty years and otherone in say: Seven one twenty years believe me, and I know him because Isponsor them, there's a lot of guys for thirty years that are miserable here and there, in alcoholic sober fora while says, feel better look better. Having better time we smile at suchSalem. We know who try the old game again, because he's not happy with hissobriety soon. I no loneliness is few. Do I can I drink at ten years? Fifteenyears, twenty years, thirty years? Why do people drink in ten years? Why dopeople drink in twenty years? Why do trig people drink in five years? Itain't because of a cream for alcohol. I understand the craving nechanice. Iunderstand the the chemical thing in San what they have one once I have oneto tame chip. I got to have another one. I understand that, but if the twentyyears of going these programs ten years six months, how about three months, howabout one month for you're not on alcohol, you drink that has nothing todo with fucking. Alcohol has to do with something called alcoholism. It has to do with untreated alcoholism.People drink it twenty years because they were never sober. There are two groups in here: There'sthe not drinking club and there's the rocket in the Fourth Dimension Club. Don't Kid Yourself: You'll meet some ofus as she tries to judge the road of...

...happy destiny. Man, God keep you now. I know what DrBob said. I know what the founders said. I know a Dr Bob said: You're, an Athisand agnostic. I have some sort of intellectual Pritha keeps you fromstanding what they were telling you. I feel sorry for you, your heavenlyfather will never let you down, and so we introduce people in thisgroup to the third step. So, okay, here's thesteps and what is the third step you get down on your knees and say thethird step, prayer and now you're done right. That's what I did I get down onmy knees in my bathroom, I locked the door lest tease somebody would come in. Iwouldn't want to be caught. Thad got that way. I locked the door. I got thatto the third step, so I'm done, I turned my life over to God. I felt it.I I it sort of works, it's sort of like it's sort of like a little baptism, alittle something will circumstance whatever neck. It is something whereyou know in the room and say I did the third step, and so I'm done right, noteven close. Not If you want. We have no only go toany length to get it then you're ready to take certain steps, not even close people. You A has gone to front placesthat was God centered, I'm not even to go to the whole thing about that. willdo that later, God sent her to a place where we applaud atheism. You know you're going to you're goingto have to make a choice somewhere along. Why wither or not want to besober, a sober man. You know we got a there's, a big difference between beingready to do the third step and being entirely ready to have God remove allyour defects of character. What's entirely ready, men I'll tell you this.It separates the men from the boys I'll tell you this. There's a greatseparation. I'll, tell you this! That's whatentirely right. I can tell you that there's a big youknow you. Let me explain to you something, so you understand somethingclearly as clear as I can say, it read the Big Buck, a Balas, ananas sayrebill story. We Bill Story. I can't I don't have time to go throughthe whole thing about the emotional sobriety and the SA he wrote andeverything we'll go through that in another session. But let me let meexplain to you where this whole thing came from bill. Bill was in his story and I'm going to praposethis. This is what he says. He says that he was approached by everyThatcher and he was talked about God and he didn't want to hear it. Hedidn't just like it says in a chapter Agnostics, you know what it says we wehad to have a mere code, for we had to have God this Lord to think andagnosticism. All this had to be abandoned. That's what the whole thingis that they wrote a chatenoi basically say: Don't be agnostic, don't be anatheist, they take a stand and a a about that don't be telling me thatyou're doing the steps and you're an atheist or you're doing the steps andyou're in a not you can't you're supposed to turn your will and what is what is the Tan, the l? What isit become entirely ready to have God remove all your defensive character? Well, if you don't believe in God, whowit, how does that work you become in timed to have sheldon, remove my defective tea group,remove my dupetor, you guys, I mean a a the felter bee. It ain't well people'sanonymous. You know you guys entirely ready to have. Oh, I get entirely readyto have me, remove my defective character, but I'm perilous. How doesthat work? How do you do the step? How do you make chocolate cake and take thefucking chocolate out of it and big believe you know what that is.That's make believe thinking. That's Olmai, Ary Thinking, that's how youlove has how alcoholics can lie to each other and live themselves and makebelief...

...and saying that's why they drank againbecause they're not work in a program. That's the deal, that's how that's howit happened and what well probably drink some. So in anyevent, so the bottom line is is but as you go along, but you knowthat's what Biliton Bill Wilson Story. This is what he says. You look it up.This is what he says. I Bout God, God of the universe, a sort of sub saysI didn't want to hear it. Thus what he says I did not want to hear it. Thenthey talk to me about God, personal to me, a personal God personal to me. Hesaid I really didn't want that Shit. I was split up on that Shit. I didn't.I really didn't want to hear that Shit. He doesn't use the word Shit. I threwthat in that, so you bat you'll, see. If you look it up in a buck, he saysthen they suggested to him. Well, why don't you just choose? Youknow you make up a god that you like, and he says that I could buy. That's exactly what he says. He says Icould do that. I couldn't go with the personal God. Itcouldn't be lie WISOS God, but a God. I could make up that. I could that Icould do now. I'm not saying that's bad and that's maybe for a new comerbecause we're in a spiritual kindergarten but understand that God,as you understand him, was a way. What was the starting point getting peopleto the point where they would eventually call God, God get over itand lose all prejudice even in its fogie religion and never apologize forGod. We never apologize for God. All better fate have courage. They trustGod. We never apologized it. We let him demonstrate our lives with. That isstraight out of BOA save the people. When Bill Wilson said you can make upyour own God make up whatever you want to say. You know the rabbit can be yourGod. You know the group whatever can be got. That was a way of H, helping babies who were who were defiant. Whowouldn't do the program to walk into the Damn Room nowadays, most people think that's the way it'ssupposed to be forever. Nowadays, people think that's the wholestandard of a A. I know as not allied when he secdenomination religion, but I'm just suggest you you better get your ass alive. If you're going to live in this crazy world, there's going to be shitgoing on in your life from cancer to be believing and people dying and stuffgoing on. You know what I mean: There's gonna be a lot of shit going on. Likeyou better get a live. You know you're going to learn one day and the you'regoing to get the one day, maybe twenty years you're going to realize the roomat going to help you're going to be going all the means you're going to bethe everything in the world try to stay, sober and you're going to be driving a carsaying to yourself, I'm an ass. All I wish I was dead, then what are you going to do when hedoesn't work when you're? Just you know hanging onby a thread? You know, because that's what it'sabout you know, that's a! What do you do whenthe God has t talking about? There is one who has all power that one is God.May you find him now? What do you do when the God that hasall power is not sully? The God that you made up in your own mind? What do you do when the God that hasall power the? What do you do when the God you made up in your own mind,doesn't help with the breast cancer? What are you doing at breast cancer andthey say it's aggressive? What are you going to do when you don't have God,you just have something you made up in your own mind. What are you doing? Shitget serious. What are you going to do when the IRS clears that all your funds?What are you going to do when you're broke and you're being and you're beingin your house is being for closed on? What are you going to do with one ofyour children dies or as cancer? Who are you going to pray to who you gonna,who gonna call ghost busters you're,...

...going to call something you made up inyour own mind that you're not even clear on what the? So? What are yougoing to do? You're going to walk around like a bunch of thumb, suckingcry babies or are you going to drink, or are you going to be miserable oryou'll be depressed, or are you no go to the doctor? He's gonna give you afew pills how you going to face life? How gonnaface the real deal? You know it's not easy out there. I don't know if youguys been watching what's going on, you know they all line up, saying. What canI do for you to help you? No it ain't working like that. Is it they're working like that and here'sthe bottom line? It's like my spots, told me me. Your called the truth iswhat you're ultimately going to learn. Is that most people that an a a don'tdo it that way? That's the way they did. You read Doctor Bob the good old times.That's the way they did in thousand nine hundred and thirty, five. Thirtythirty, seven. Thirty, eight thirty, nine D D, forty forty one! Do It theselads? That's not the way they do it. They don't do it that way. You knowthey. You know you're going to you, make the choice, a true alcoholic orcalled to make the choice between being emotionally sober for and trust in Godand being cool they'll choose most alces. Nine e set will choose coolevery time. That's why you sit in meetings and you may want to even say the wordGod, but you don't say it. You say HP higher, but you say everything but Godbecause in your mind, you're worried about what the guysitting next to you, who is hasn't even paying your fucking visa bill, but he'sgoing to think about you and let me tell you something when theGod is all over the steps and God is all over the books, and there is onewho as well power, that's gone and his only hope of salvation when God is thatdeal and Bill Wilson believed in God and Doctor Smith, believes in God andyou're scared to say the word God at an a meeting where it's all over the warwall. Don't ever ever expect that you're going to lose fear of otherpeople. You will never lose fear of otherpeople what they think about you and still until you start doing thereal deal, you know start dealing. I'm going to end withthis. One thing were a couple minutes. You know I have a sponsor when I wasI'm not going to talk about this whole thing now I'll talk, I'm going to tieit up later. I just want to name John Glen. I met when I saw going the Biblestudy when I had eleven years. I started going because it wasn't workingfor it. You know I was doing everything in a A. I was going to go back withchairman for two years. I was doing there. I was on the real lane for eightyears. I was doing the whole bit sponsoring and that moved and thebottom line is it wasn't working for me. I wasn't happy and I wasn't miserable, but I wasn'thappy miserable every once in a while, butmost you know happy miserable, anxious, yeah. I wasn't whatever whatever thatrock at Tipe. The fourth dimension was experience much of heaven joy living. Iwasn't that after doing this thing, reall hard and some guys suggested youknow why didn't I go to Bible studying my first reaction was, I don't go tobobstay because we live in bed right. You know because most people, they say,I'm spiritual, not religious. They put down religion because we're sorighteous. You know what I mean. You know, that's what happens. That's how I started going there and Imet a Goin John Glen Ho at sixty years to briey and he was a baptist missionerand and we would go out to dinner and I started eating because you can look atme. You know I like to eat and he'd say what are you doing? I said I mean hesays we can eat. He says we have to give thanks. First in the middle of therestaurant, with all sence people around he bowis head and I bound myhead and he sat saying a prayer and it wasn't like one of these short prayers.Like you know, thanks for the Bra, it was like a long sort of Baptist prayeror something you know what I mean and I'm looking around to see. E waslooking at me because I'm worried about what they're looking at me and and thenhe would finish and then he looked at me and said you know Russell now the food will taste better becauseit's got that special ingredient.

How cheesy? So I started doing that. You know and I started I started doingthat started. Praying before me and you know something people, nobody waslooking at me. Nobody cared. I do that every day to day, with my buddies andguys I sponsor and- and you know some when I started calling God God and notworried about what other people thought about me and started really opening upand becoming open minded doing precisely following the clear cutdirections they talk about in the in the book. When I started doing that,you know what happened to me. I stopped worried about what other people thoughtabout me. I even do strange shit. I told about God all the time you're notgoing to believe this. I talk about the Shit, a a a Menes, bold one. I do. I talked about it inconventions. I say Jesus, I talk about bibles. I say also a shit. You knowthey haven't banned me. Yet some guy told me he said you know my sponsorsays you're good speaking, but you talk too much about God. I had like that onmy tombstone. You talk too much about God, I said. Well, I guess if theydon't like it, they'll stop asking me to talk, and all I know was all I do isI talked about Lord and what he's done for me and they invite me to speak itmore and more places. I don't know why. I guess somebody wants to see it. MaybeI'm like an odd ball. You know what I mean, so you can just you can eat. You caneither decide whether you're going to be the real deal in here. The genuinearticle. Were you just going to be cool? You just gonna be cool. My kids I'll tell you this. I Have I've fourbeautiful kids, fantastic kids, married and grandkids, and my kids Tain't. Theywere brought up with this program and everything like that. My kids thinkrecovered. Alcoholics are cool, they think drunks are uncool. How do youlike that? You know? Is that amazing? They think we covered alcoholics thatgo to church by the way you do know in the big book. It says: membership as most of us. Most of US belong to such organizations becausewe're trying to grow in the image and likeness of God, and so we hang outbecause the person you are in the next five years will depend upon the peopleyou hang out with in the books. You read the books, you read all dependsupon who you hang out with and the big big but says in the big book says weencourage Church membership, you know what they say in a rooms, they saywe're Pitte, not religious, I'm not spiritual material. I know whoI am I'm material. You know you take me away from these rooms. You take me awayfrom God, I'm looking at the red head all the time. You know what I mean. Iknow who I am. I know what I know what I lost for and when I look for and whatI'm danger of and that's why? God? So? Because if you want to know how todivorce your thinking from comparing your insides to otherpeople's outsides and worried about whether you have a new car or an oldcar or worrying about whether you're good, looking or fat or worried aboutwhether or not you have money in the back there, you don't have money butworried about your job or worried about the things of this world or worryingabout all the shit. You don't have if you'll tryin, to figure out. How do youget out of that addiction to the shit in this world and compare yourself thatway? I got news for the only way out is God the only way out is making him thecentral Senece of your life. I know that as big book says, if you want tobe rocketed in the fourth mention existence, the great fact is this andnothing less. God has to begone to set a piece of your life and you have tobecome convinced that lives in your heart in mind in the way, which isindeed miraculous, he's doing for you. What you can't do for yourself. Solisten. I hate to tell you this: I don't care what they you hear about inthe a rooms, but I'm just quoting book of alcohol is anonymous. I you maythink all this other share. You know...

...the church thing all is extra creditI'll, tell you when things start really happening when you decide you're goingto do the extra credit and not roll your eyes and laugh at Shit like that,you understand that's the way it works. Okay, that'splait to say, T.

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