AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 9 months ago

Russell S. Talk 2 at the Solutions Group 10/13/2021 - "Are You Ready?"

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Russell S. Talk 2 at the Solutions Group, West Dixie Club, Miami, FL 10/13/2021 - "Are You Ready?"

Alcoholic. I have found that of drink since January twenty two, one thousand nine hundred and eighty one, and it's a privilege and a pleasure to be here with you all and I'm sort of going to map out you where I'm going on this thing. And I know many of you or some of you have heard me before and been through a step series with me before. Some of you are brand new and happit are you're coming back and I just want to welcome you all here and I'm here to comfort to disturbed and disturb the comfortable. So I don't mean to hurt people's feelings. Are Getting them having Christmans are going out the door and who the fuck is that guy? You know, and it just said. It just tends to happen at every meeting. I faults, you know. So I'll probably say some things that'll bother you. I know there's some New People here. I may say some things that disturb you. Don't worry about this is just my own personal story, you know. Doesn't Sarah Stories dispose in a general way where you like what happened what we liked it, and now I found it so much easier rather than to me worry about what I'm going to say at an AA meeting. It's so much easier just tell the truth. You know what I mean. I mean you could sit around said what I'm going to say? How am I going to say it? Will they like me? They don't like me. What if you acquire that promise in the book where they say you'll lose fear of people in Economic Insecurity? What what if was to happen to you? What if one day you woke up and you no longer worried about where the point people thought about? I mean, I know your alcoholics. So you're constantly telling yourself and other people that you don't give a at whatever people think about you. But what if that's not true? But if that's just delusional that you know, they say alcoholics are selfish, self centered. We're driven by hundreds of your self delusion, selfseeking. You know, maybe maybe that's one of the delusions that we delude ourselves and think we really don't. We tell ourselves so many times you don't give a crap what other people think about us. We miss the fact that we're in bondage to the approval of other people. What if it's true commentagery said in the s that alcoholics and men women are a destroy themselves. What if it's true that, no matter what alcoholics say about themselves, deep down inside they feel unworthy and like the piece of Shit? What are they true then? What if it's true that when you're in the shower, driving in your car about how long you're sober, when you start saying things, when you start hearing things in your mind like I'm an Asshole, I already kill myself, I'm a piece of shit on them, what if that's actually your true reputation with yourself, about yourself? What if that's what you really feel like about yourself? What if all that spending money, you don't have to buy shit, you don't need to Presband, you don't like, all the crap you say, all the stuff you do, is really your way of trying to hide the fact that you're so scared and you think other people realize what a phony piece of shit you are. And if that's true, if that's part of alcoholism s until in alcoholic concepts, is alcoholism and all its consequences, the sobriety precarious, some to happiness and then no one, not at all. If that is really what alcoholism about, if it's not about the drink and if it's not about the drug, and if that really is just as some disease. And the realist is, he said, is your mind, not your body, and has to do with just some of the things I'm talking about. One thing. How do you get rid of those things? Does that happen as soon as you stop drinking? Or maybe it gets worse after stop drink. Maybe if drinking, maybe I drank because no woman, no amount of money, no car, know, nothing ever worked quite as well on that shit as booze that I could drink alcohol and with from five seconds I really didn't give a shit what you thought about I walk into a bar and I tell those people and worrying about, you know, that girl and that guy and what they're going to think, and then I drink. You know, will I be accepted by the group? And I drink that shit. I thought I owned The fucking group. What if it's true that I wanted to go out of that gall or ask you to dance, but I was scared to ask him to dance, and I drink that shit. I say you want to dance, you'd say no, that you said, you're fucking problem baby. You know, you know. And what if it turned me into something that was but I don't know not. What if drinking made me non alcoholic. And what if one day the drinking stopped working and then I turned to you know, I stopped and so I stopped the drinking and then all of a sudden I turned to the womanizing, or I turned to the spending money, or I turned to all the other things we turned to. To somehow, maybe I turned to same bad shit about other people behind their back. Because somehow, some leg if you're an alcoholic like me, if I talk to sheldon about somebody in the room and I say bad shit about them and he agrees with me and says, yeah, that guy really is an Asshole, somehow, in some strange way, it makes me feel better. What if the reason I think bad things about other people and talk bad things about other people on their back and Gosp at them is is because then I don't have to talk about myself and I somehow feel the superior. What if my problems are so much deeper than the drinking thing? What of my sickness? What if I really do have great emotional and meal stories I don't even understand. What if my first ten years in alcoholics anonymous is just getting a glimpse of how fucking sick I am, you know what I mean? What if that situte? Then I have to figure when is this going to go away? What if it doesn't go as way as fast? As well, the alcohol thing. So I became entirely ready to get rid of alcohol after fifteen years of drinking it. But if it takes twenty five years to get rid of all the other shit, I just have to suffer through it and figure out...

...what it's going to be. What if that's true? You know what I mean. So I'm in my forty one year of sobriety. By the way, I give you permission if you're in your if you have one year sobriety, you are allowed to say I'm in my second year. You know what I mean. So it's what you remember when you were seven years. Only say how old you I say I'm seven and a half. You know. You tell you know. So I think, and I think it's a truthful statement, I'm in my forty one years. I started doing these steps series when I was about five or six or seven years sober and I think I'm doing in this group almost every year. Last year was a watch. Who knows what happened last year. But I've been doing steps in this room, in various rooms, like it's folk subhouse and both and stuff like that, for some like twenty years now, you know. And and my story is changed and a lot of things have changed about me, because what I found is that everything you learn in here, whatever you learn and however you develop help, you sort of see through the rear view mirror coming up on it. You have no idea what the hell's going on, you know what I mean. But maybe ten years down the road you look back and you start to get something, connect the dots. You're bred enough, you've suffered enough. You've got through the trials and Trin you've got through the raised end of the four kids, the eleven grand kids, whatever hell it is. You know. You've got through all the financial debaccos, the bankruptcy. You've got through the two rounds of cancer. You've got through the disappointments of people. You got through the whole swere, the whole mess, just a little bitch of you guys are experiencing now. But you get to go cover sober, you know, you go through the fear sober, and somehow at the other end of this, if you hang on the conveyor belt and keep focusing on God, like they want you to do in the big book, even though a lot of people say don't worry about the God, don't you believe them? You don't have to worry about it. Don't you believe it? That's the thing, you know, that's what this thing is all about. What if you hang in there and somehow down the road, all of a sudden this whole thing clears up? Maybe not the whole thing, but a lot of the thing clears up for you so that you maybe at thirty years or forty years or ten years and years, you sort of understand a lot of stuff that was really magical to you and didn't make any sense when we first came in. But if that's the way, have you come a dount blocks anonymous and your spots says hang in there, and there the how do I hang in there's this like Oh, this is what the fuck does that? Mere hanging there? What if you're at a meeting, like I do in a meeting, and you people are talking, you're listening to me. You're not saying the word. And the reason I say in Word is because your humble and you're stupid. That's what you and you don't you don't have anything to say because you don't have anything important to say. And you know what I mean. And then your sponsor comes up to you and he says, you know, you're selfish. I say what? I haven't even done anything. Says you're selfish. He says, I know she never shared. A means just say you never share. Other people share. You never shared. And you say, I don't really have anything to say, and says you're selfish. He says these people come to an and they and they talk about intimate things have to do with their lives because it will help to them and maybe they think it will help other people. And you sit there like some sort of where your and you just drink up everything they say and you say nothing. You're you're a taker. You take everything, you give nothing. WHOA, Whoa. So I started talking. I haven't stopped since. You know what I mean. He says Rus so you got to get out of yourself. You got to get out of yourself. Get Out of yourself. I said why? Do you guys, is we got to talk about yourself, is it? What the fuck is going on with this where? This is crazy shit. You know what I mean? How does this thing work? I don't know. You gotta get out of yourself. You got to talk about yourself. And you know, one of the things I was told one time, you know a lot of the things appreciates, because say true, that the only way to give a good a meeting is to be sincere, honestly and sincere. And what you learn how to fake that. You got it made so. But the good thing about that, but it's hard to be honest when you live your whole life trying to make make like your a big shit. Then stand because it's you don't even realize you're doing it. It's like an automatically. But what you find is if you if you can give it up to God and be less concerned about what the people in at about anybody, you walk with God. In my sense, my walk with a rule and you realize that my job is to be a maximum service. But it says in the book book keeps you the key. Even though you don't believe it, it says. It says if you want remarkable things happen to you once you make a sincere decision. For God also, it's remarkable things happen. How many people want remarkable things happen, miracle things were actualist, you know what I mean? If you want, you know, listen in here, you don't want TV, you'll see these commercials, you know, and I'm as you can see, I'm a little overweight, the little overweight, you know, morbidly obese. Okay, what the Hell? But you know, actually, actually, as you know, you watch these commercials and they have these testimonials. They see some guy who's five hundred and six pounds next side. Three months later he's like, he's like a he's like a stick, you know, and it has a a man, I...

...want that Shit, you know what I mean? You know, lose two hundred pounds like over a fucking night. You know, that's my kind of Diet. I just don't like the idea where it takes like a year going to the gym or anything like that. And but you know, in this deal it, in this feeling, it's like a little bit of a different story. You can have remarkable things happening to you on the inside pretty quickly and sometimes it takes a long time, but you can have some remarkable stuff happened to you. But you got to make some big that you got to sacrifice some old ideas that it's hard for to get rid of because they're almost emotionally. They're mostly emotionally, and granted, you automatically go to them without even thinking. Like somebody says you want you chare the meeting. You got three months. You say I'm not ready, because you know you're not ready to chair meeting and you don't even know that. That's alcohol code for I'm scared. It's not that you can't Chare the meeting, it's just that you're scared to share them. But you're not going to say I'm scared the Chit the meeting for two reasons. First of all, you don't even know you're scared to child mean, you just know you're not ready. And number two, even if you knew you were scared to change here of the meeting, you're scared to telling youbody you're scared. You see, that's how fucking scared you are. You're scared. It would make you're scared, and so what if you have a disease like that, that you can't not only see the disease, but even if you saw the disease, you're scared to think that it's possibly the disease. You know, you got like things within things and going on inside of you that you learn. And how do we learn? How was the book to say we learned, we get a new perspective. I repeated humiliations in the final question of ourselves busts. So maybe this thing you call the first step, what do you call it? The you got to hit bottom? Maybe this bottom thing, maybe it's a series of bottom maybe this whole bunch of fucking problems. Maybe there's a bottom with alcohol, maybe there's a bottom of sex, maybe there's a bottom of lust, maybe this bottom of wash sh it. And so what happens? I'm going to talk about the drinking or anything. I might have mentioned that last week. You know I mean. I'm going to talk about alcoholics and I'm going to talk about the solution, I'm going to talk about the victory and I'll tell you something else I'm going to do in here so you understand what's going on. You know what? I graduated with Promo, honest pop and mathematics. I was off my phd and I'll the rate topology and I finally went to law school, and I'm not saying you know, I'm almost on an academic did you know what I mean? And although my first sponsor, I was a socially sponsor by Jesus or where Albert Einstein. But for some reason I can day, at thirty one years old, at to neurons working. They were in good Biye to each other and they stuck me with a youth par sales from from Chicago didn't even run with the sixth grade and it was a cosmic mistake. And he used to look at me and say thing, Russell, you know as much about life as dog knows about his father. And I'd sit there, because I was a prosecutor for many years. I put people in jail for a hundred years towards I used to I'd sit there and he said you, this is an actual thing that can hear you. He frowze up for me too, me to my grand right now. Okay, ere, you a blesser. I think we got your back. I can hi can vault, as they say. You know, I got about five zoom meetings a day. I got a I go to zero in the morning. I go to a quiet time in the morning where they're all the all it's just hims and prayers, and I go to seven o'clock me and I go to a man's mean the twelve o'clock noon and I go to a four o'clock meet in the afternoon, and I'm able to do that with our my law office whatever. And I go to meeting at night and I go to these meetings to you know. So I do a lot of stuff. And you know, I'm seventy two, been married forty years. My life still where it's over. You know what I mean? Nothing much for me to do, you know. But you know, over the period of the year and a half I've gotten gone, I've got a group, a group of many, many friends all over the world. I mean one of the great things about zoo, and I'm just sort of talk a little bit about this so young, saying what's going on is is that I'm not confined to the ten miles around my house. For the fifty miles around myself, we got people from London, for Ireland, South Africa, from all over the place, Australia, that would become very, very good friends and I love them. I care about them a lot, so I carry them over the meetings, you know, and I want to be with you and I'm with them, so I get concerned about them. That's one of the things that happens to you when you're when you get a tender heart, because what happens is you you you become concerned about other people. Were concerned about yourself, and that that's a sign that you're actually getting better. And see what I'm saying. So you know, I want everybody to hear whatever they need to hear in that so, in any event, I saw you coming to I didn't want you know, you coming here with all sorts of old ideas and all sorts of stuff. They say half measures a value nothing, but I'm a...

...half pleasures kind of guy. I think half pressure sort of billion fifty percent. You know what I mean? The book says they value nothing. I think they value fifty percent. You know what? Anyone can I tell you. They said there's no middle of the road solution. But listen, I'm not I'm not liking all en nothing. They said God is everything. You know where he is nothing, and I'm like, well, God's everything, but I'd like to have the Playboy bunny to you know, I mean can I be like Jesus? And you have to some of you guys don't even know. You have to lose. You know, you know, but I mean, I mean I want, I want. Here's what I want. I want all the Babes, I want all the money, I want all the cars and I want to be like Jus, you know, when I want to be spiritual, you know, not religious, and everyone like that. And apparently there's a problem there and I don't even see the problem. I don't see why I can't have both. The problems you can happen. Problems is you can be you can be happy beyond your wildest dreams and you can experience much of heaven and you can be rocking in the fourth dimension of existence. And can you lose? You can lose for your people in the Becknock Insecurity, or you can be cool. But you can't be both. Can't be both. You can't be both. Personally, I think that if you go for the God thing and you get rocking in the fourth dimension of distances and as much of heaven and told that that really is cool. So I guess it all depends on what your definition of full is, I guess it all depends if you want what we have or you want what you had. I said, if you want what we have and you're willing to go to any length to get it and you're ready to take certain then you're ready. And some people come in here because say well, we have, but then I willing go to any length to get it. I mean to get what most people will never have. You've got to be willing to do what most people will never do, and most people will never do what it takes to get the goal hit the MO other they just won't. That's why you have a six step which separates the men from the voice. I like the way he said. Well, he's going to do the second step. I'm do the second step and the third step of the fourth and they first step and the sixth step and the Steven step and a whole bunch of steps that are all going to be mixed in there, because I don't even know what I'm talking about now. I have to do these things for forty years, over and over and over again, like wax on wax off, you know, just sort of you don't do the steps, you sort of live the steps at first it becomes like it's so different, it's so it's so different than you usual life. And do the steps. You see him. You know, you know I can. I just did a third te I just turned it over to God. You know, I just turned it. I'm turning it. I turned it over to God. Or I just turned it over. But that was a twelve step, but that was six stepping and somewhere along the road, if you keep on doing it over and over and over again, every day, every second in the do what they tell you to do over and over again, accepted and surrendering, its rendering and surrendering, one day you wake up and you're not turn anything over because you're living. It. Turns over life. What if you wake up in the morning you live to turns over life because you turn it over the God. Last night they turned over God. In the morning. You turn over God every second of the day and all you do is think about God. What if? What if Dr Bob was right when he said first things first, a short head of saying seeking first the King of God in his righteousness, and all things will be added. Unto You, what if you turn things over to God and you pray to God and you believe God is the most important thing in your life and you never apologize for God, like it says in the big book, because it says all men of faith had courage, they trust their God, they let him demonstrate their lives. But he could be what if you do that? What if the big book is right? What if it's right? When the big book says is big book stuff. This is the real deal. You know, you got guys that are scared because you knew what they want to tell you. Don't worry about the God thing because you'll run away. But the people who are going to run away from that stuff, we're going to drink anyway. Where the fuck are they running to? Out There? You think the answers out there. So they got to run AWA anyway. That kind of stick around. But what if there are people in here that that'll save their lives. They become intrigued with what they want to hear message of death. And what if they're right? And when they say if you seriously, seriously give your life to God and you utterly abandon yourself to God, these are the words that they use, all sorts of remarkable things happen. You all powerful to give you everything you need if you stay close to performance. Work well, and what's his work? Is worked as the amaccium service him and other beach and to love on other people in care. How other so if I love other people, I care about other people and I've been around for forty years because Lord is allowed me to be around forty years. Where else would I be accept a meeting th wrong zoom or something like that, try to carry and that's what else would I be doing except talk about should I hide this stuff from you? Should I say I can not talk about the I matter, not talk about the truth that I've learned, because I might scare the last guy in the room out the door, and I'm not here for that guy. Is that Guy's going anyway? Because he's not interested. He isn't want we have. A lot of people don't want we have. They want what they had. They want what they had, they want to get laid, they want to sit...

...out in the parking lot and smoke cigarettes and talk bullshit about other people. A lot of people want we have, but they're not willing to go to any length to get it's just not willing to go that far and they're never going to get you gotta want. We have and be won't go to any plate to get it. Then you're ready. Then you're ready. So let me ask you a question. Are you ready? It's a question. I'm interested in the answer. Are you ready? Are you what? Was it a Shitty are you ready? You think you're ready. You really think you're ready. Well, why don't we devote this? Because ready has to do with the second step, and the third step doesn't it doesn't. That second I have to do with open mindedness, tolerance, being ready to accept all new ideas, get rid of all the ideas. Isn't that what ready is all about? Well, you know, let's see whether you're ready. Let's do a ready test right now. Let's say you're if you're ready, because you all yelled I'm ready. Right, let's let's talk about being read, because one of the great things that happens, you know, is you really do see this thing in the rear view mirror. When I was about two months Ober, anybody here, not Frisian, ever have money problems. When I was now you're sober, and I was broken. I had a wife and a pull buch kids that I couldn't hit. The Red Morriage come down on men't understand what was going on because I always made a lot of money and I was made good money and I was always broke because apparently I learned it nine years, even though I'm pretty good mathematician, at nine years. My sponsor for me Russell, when you spend more money than you make, you go into something called dead I didn't know that Shit. You know what I mean, because I spend money emotionally. I get a feeling, you know, because I'm because I'm sensitive, even though my sponsor said no, you're not, sense great artisan, the sense of you're just touching. I'm touching you know. Somehow, some way, I get a feeling you when I feel a certain way about myself for less than or something. I don't know. Of the contact. I never worry about the committee. No, people take the committing. I never worry about the committee. In my head. You know why they're they're all FIFTYZERO. They're all talking shit. I never worried about committee because I'm like invited to the meetings. But the bottom line is we got to worry about is the executive that are holding meeting, since secret eat down inside of you and you don't hear what they're saying, and they're saying all sorts of things that you can get your trouble and they see say things like you need to buy that Blouse, you need to get a new hair stuff, you need to lose fifty pounds, you need to do this, you need to get a new house, you need to get a car. Usually say that shit when you're broke, by the way, you know, you become an if only are in a yes butter and every day you wake up you say, if only I had a new life, I only had this, I only had that, because that's the answer your problem, and it's so clear. You don't need to go to a meeting to hear that. It's so clear that if your wife treated you differently, well, you had a girlfriend, or you get laid or Gottkombawer, anything material in this world, you would be okay. And of course you don't realize that's an idea that you've been operating on ever since before you came to alcoholics anonymous, and you will be operating on that idea, by the way, for the next ten or twenty years, until you get to the alcoholics and Nonos, that something out there is going to pitch and you never quite grasp the fact, and most people don't, that if you don't deal with the real sickness, the real dis ease and the real separation from God, all the things in the world won't won't won't fish. It'll just make things to us and all you'll do is you'll be feeling sorry for yourself and struggling to get those things and feeling like shit if you don't get them or, once you get them, run around trying to figure out how to keep them and scared you're going to lose someone and it feel who's them? Suicide do with the girl or the guy car or the disc or that you understand what I'm saying. That's your deal, that's your God, that's what you really worship. I'll caution. Don't have problems worshiping. They worship men, worship women, women worship men, they worship romance for a stage. All that stuffing they done about in the six step. So are you ready? How do you get rid of you got to be ready. What are I mean? Ready to? What? If you want, we have are you willing going to a let to get it? Are you ready? So let me tell you what I found out about that over the last forty years. So I came downhols anonymous with any question. I've done the first step. I...

...was ready. I was ready. It's all about it. I was ready to do anything to stop drinking. I was ready to do anything to stop drinking. Go to meeting snow question. I was ready to go to any I came up to my sponsor when I was a month so ober, two months sober, broke. I didn't want to tell anybody at the group because you know, it'stunt of the business. And you know I didn't. I don't. I just didn't feel like sharing that stuff. There's a possibly had to do with pride. I don't know, you know, but not going to give a shit what they thought about me. I didn't think was any of their business to realize the hot shot lawyer is broke. You know what I mean. But but I didn't feel like telling him. But it was just killing you, was just killing me. I didn't want to drink many suicide was a possible idea. You know, when you don't want to drink, the killing yourself is something you think about a lot. That actually maybe a plus. If you don't want to drink or drive, but killing yourself at an option that's maybe assign that you're getting better. I don't I don't know. You're willing to die rather than drink. But I know one thing. I had to tell somebody. So went up to my sponsor. I tell him. I said, Bob, I'm two months behind and the mortgage. I don't have any money. I fifty in the bed. You know, I got a laugh. Forgot these three kids. I don't know what I'm to do. I don't know where the money's coming from and I have a real problem. Thanking you. I'll tell my sponsor. Maybe you'll spot me about you know what I mean. And all because that's the answer to my PA. That's the answer. Look to say anything, it's good, but let's face it. I mean I'm not saying money's important. It's just right up there with oxygen. You know what I mean? I mean, yeah, yeah, you're laughing debt and you know what it's like. But the bottom line is. The bottom line is I figure out I'm going in with Llus and a's nice, but this is not bullshit. This is a real life problem. Money's a real life problem and I'm going up to my spowe conswer with the money problem and I want an answer and I don't know what to do. I'm in an a room for they people. It's before the being. I'm talking about a real problem. He looks amazed, as I think I understand the problem is. Yeah, I said, yeah, it's this. I think it's about time you started making coffee for the group. And I'm sober, I'm not drinking, you know. So I'm thinking about this thing and I'm thinking, I don't think there's a conversation going on here. I'm not sure he heard me. It says, no, I'm broke. You say, yeah, I heard that. I think we need to do is start making coffee for the group. And then he said follow me, and I couldn't notice that he was one who was making off for the group. So I have to tell you it occurred to me that this was the way they got out of making coffee. You know what I mean? I had like a month or two and he starts showing me how to measuring the coffee out and I said and he sat showing me. I get into the coffee thing. And so the next day I'm so good to meeting but no money had come in. So I was depressed. No, cancel that. I was very depressed. Alcoholics don't know depression. We get very depressed, you know what I mean, because our feelings, our feelings overwhelmed us. We will do things we think are incredibly smart, but they're all based on feelings. The next Guy Times Guide. Sometimes somebody tells you get in touch you the feeling. You slap the shit out of them. Run away from that guy. I've been in touch with my feelings all my life. I'm so in touch with my feelings. If you walked into if I walked into a cancer ward with children dying of cancer, I would get feeling of such feeling of self pity and sadness that Woun't give a shit they're dying. Again, I would be thinking about me. There's nothing that can happen on the planet where I couldn't feel be thinking about moms. So wrapped up my feelings. Believe me, I don't even know you're feeling the Shit I've done the people, the things I've said to people because I feel a certain way without even thinking about what how would affect that. You you can't even about. I'll give you examples, but I'm not gonna do? It's a night. Will we get to the forest? I will talk about that stuff, but believe me, I know myself. I look back on and so he says that he walks I walk out. And so the next day comes in and I'm very depressed because no money has come in. I'm supposed to be and I don't want to go to the meeting and I don't want to go to the meeting because I'm depressed. I'm very depressed. You know, I don't feel like gold. This is I'm very depressed and but I had to go. I have to make the fucking cough. So I went to the meeting. The meeting was all about whatever the pre you know how meetings are. You go to meet you look a prow and also is exactly what you need to hear and all that sort of shit and it gets your feeling better and they go to next meeting. That I don't know what happened. Month later, two months, my money came in. I didn't die, I didn't explode. Everything worked out. Three months later, some guy comes up to me and says, you know, I'll make the coffee. I said, I'm the coffee maker. The fuck a point to you. You know what I mean. I'm the guy making the coffee here and they call fore that group. For eighteen months making coffee for that group. I don't...

...know how. Now let me tell you what I realized now, and I didn't realize this before. I don't realize this for twenty years, but twenty years I didn't know. I can you not realize this then? I'm sober today because one might when I told my sponsor that one thing that was bothering and he said to me, well, I think you can promise. You need to start making coffee. I'm sober today because I followed him over the coffee Pott I made the call another guy in mid set. This guy's full shit. I mean no one, another guy would have said, because I've seen it happened. I needed new sponsor. My sponsor doesn't appreciate me, doesn't understand me. He's full of Shit's a bunch of or hour. Who would have said I'm not going to make the publish. I went up to spots and show. He didn't help me at all. I'm sober today because I followed him over and I'm the coffee, because I made the coffee. I came the next night. I've been coming back ever since because, even though I didn't understand saying and what he said made no sense whatsoever. No sense in my mind whatsoever had nothing to do with my problem, I was ready. I was ready, I was ready to make the coffee, I was ready to follow a guy who was tell me something that made no sense butsoever and do what he told me to do because I didn't want to drink, because I was ready, and that's the only reason. They made no sense to me. And one day he told me to say that. One day I said, well, I don't want to say the Lord's prayer, and he said why? I said because I don't want to be a hypocrite. He says, was you bust a hypocrite before you came in here. You mean you say one thing, you doing other things? Yeah, OK, Shit. And Anyhow, anybody is an out walking here is already a hypocrite. They've already got the Gold Star for af you know, it says. He says, this is what we do and turn our will know life over. The God used to do this. And I started saying the words Perier, I started saying this rainfay. You know why not? Because I understood would have met or anything, because I was ready. I was ready to do that. Then one day they told me an alcoholics, anonyms. And Listen, I'm leaving out tenzero bits. One that day they told me an alcoholics anomous. You know, they told me when I started bitching and moaning about stuff. They said, you know some about things that happened to me. You know that old story I tell it about the God a bounced poble the dollar check that guy got. He bounced the poble the dollar check on me and all I'm doing is talking about I hate that guy, blah, blah, blah. And my sponsor came up and he says, well, I understand. The questions is, how would you feel didn't? Bobby said, what do you mean? How would I feel for good bobby, I said, how would he feel? God, I said, I don't even understand the question. He bounced the bottom of that. You know my my answer is always have been happened to you. You feel the same way, and I really like I've met people in they that bad things happen to when they didn't feel the same they didn't talk badly about other people. They were able to hit take the shots and, you know, act like what, how about this? A fucking grown up, you know. And he said, how would you feel if that? How would I feel if it didn't bond? I said, well, if it didn't bother me, I feel fine. He so there you go. So what do you do when they say what do you do when you're wore months ober or five months to him, six months over before step and they say, let me tell you something, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta get rid of this. Every SEMP RESEMBAN's going to kill you. It's going to lead to it drain. You gotta pray for the Guy. What are you doing? They tell you how to crate. Pray for the ASS that doesn't deserve any prayers. What do you do when they tell you got to ask God? What do you do? You know what I it doesn't make any sense. It's stupid. It's different than what I've ever done, but I did it. You know why I did it? I was ready. So I wanted what they had and I was red. You got it to get it. What are you doing? It tell you you can't hang out at that place. You know you're not to have with that place. Shouldn't go out of that guy, shouldn't go out of that back room, shouldn't go on that trip. You shouldn't do this, you shouldn't buy that, shouldn't do that, and never like that. And they sort of give you a reason, but the other reasons they could make no sense and you tried to tell them no, you don't understand. What do you do when, every time they tell and you shit and make no sense whatever. You explain to that that you don't understand, because they don't understand. What do you do when you don't do it? What do that? What do you when you when you actually follow the direction and don't do it? And I would do that many times with many things, because I was ready. I was ready. That's that's when you find it. You're ready. So let me ask you this. What happens when you're ten years so and you doing steps all over town and you speaking the convention and your sponsoring fifty, sixty, seventy, whatever, how many people use sponsor, and you don't have any desire to drink and you and you're doing service all of the place. The instrogt Backman chairman for last two years. You're on real lay, for eight years, on real lay,...

...doing all that stuff because you're ready to do that. You're to do all that stuff and you read the benefits from it, from doing all stuff. So what happens when you ten years sober and you're doing everything and you're not happy with this pride, pleased to have an old marble commercial? Are you smoking more and enjoying less? What happens when it, when a's does it, it's not working the way work for you when you first came in, when you were exhilarated, when you're on that pink cloud, when everything was doing different, for everything was an adventure. You know what I mean. What happens when you're ten years sober and you're doing everything and you still play? You by anxiety? You're still worried about money, you're still worried about all this stuff. You're doing everything. I once told my sponsor, I said when I was through my sober I said that my sponsor. I think I had an hour. I wasn't feeling good. I said it's not working for me. He said, what's not working for you? Says, Hey, it's not working for me, says I work to. Yeah, I'm doing everything and it's not working for said. Oh, he said, Oh, I think you're maybe one of the rare ones. Really, says, yeah, you're one of the rare ones. I said, Holy Shit, I've been telling them, I've been telling them I was different. Now he honestly understands. He finally understands. He says, really, one of the werones. Says, yeah, you're one of the real ones. Well, what's that, he says? Well, they talked about it everything you go to. I said what he says, they talk about it, the rare ones that every mean you go to. They haven't talked about it any means I go. He says, I they talked about it every meeting you go too. I said, I haven't. ICS Just don't, they say. Rarely have we seen a person fail who was thoroughly followed out, bad thoroughly followed up. Hand, you have done everything and they hay everything and it's not working for you. Is Now what you told me? Says, yeah, I just I think you have to leave a. It not. That old fuck is the only things ever work for me. And now my sponsor is kicking me out of a a and I'm looking like I lost my pet dog or something. You know is you have leave baby. Don't tell me you're doing everything. If you done your fourth study, stim will know. You know. So I don't ask people what they're doing because they're going to tell me they're doing everything. They're going to means I ask them what they're not doing. What do you not do? Secret is always when you're not doing, because that's what you're not ready to do. It rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. What was their path? You know what their path was. Did you know what the big book it says? Did you know when the big book that says this? We in that the founders of a said this? We encourage Bill Wilson D to Bob all the founders. One Guy, Jim Burwell, wasn't into what he was the atheist. You know, by the way, I'm with the you know that. What's that step that they talked about? Humbly ask him, ask God to who? By defects character? I was always wondering her nate, who do you ask? I mean who you ask him? Let's say you're not an atheist. Let's say you just believe in some sort of fluppy thing in the air and live. who asked him to remove your defensive Tim I don't know. I want to know who I'm talking to. I don't know about you, but I want to know who I'm talking to and I I want to have a faith. I want to have that thing they have in the big book where it says we're convinced that they he becomes a central factor of a lot. That's the great fan that we're convinced that he lives in arts minds which in the day away in a way which is remarkable, miraculous. He's doing press we can't do for ourselves. I'm going to be so convinced of who God is and what God is a conquert thing, because I don't I'm got to say something. I'm one of these alcoholics. I have a poor imagination. I mean, I'm telling you, I'm a poor imagination. I mean, I can imagine a goodlooking Gal, I can imagine, you know, what would you like to you know, be in a yacht or something like that. I can't imagine to be I don't do good at making up God. I know it says God as you understand them. I just don't do really well with an imaginary God. I don't do well with creating God. Now, Lison, in the beginning, like Bill Wilson said, he said I hate God, I hate the idea of God, I hate a person relationship with God. And the guy said, well, well, I just try whatever your own imagination dreams up. He says that I can go with. That's good for the first three weeks there smirs month, first two months, first year. Maybe I can tell you something. Ten Years Sober, imaginary God didn't work from them. Now, when you have cancer, tough to pay to an imaginary God. When you have cancer it's that. You know, one day I needed five thousand dollars to see...

I wrest was going to put me in jail. So I don't know, they weren't any doing. But I'm scared. Like pulled my father that I was scared. Just had spoken them a couple of years. I said Dad, I have a problem and you know I was I knew I was talking. I was talking to my dad, but I did think you're getting money. But I'm so scared, I was so desperate I did it. I called up and he said they'll have the check to morrow morning. It was there and I'll say had such a great feeling. But I knew who to call and I knew I was talking. I don't know about talking to some imagine and I just dream up in my mind to make myself think I'm doing a just wouldn't work. From me, you know, never did work. Actually didn't work. I knew who he was. May you find, it says, there is one who has all power. That one is God. May you find him now. One of the things I learned after forty years there's a big difference between the one that has all power and the God of my imagine. You may find along the way that there is a difference in the one who has all power that you have to find now and the one you fucking dreamed up in your own you think he is. And you know how? You'll find that out when you can't stop drinking, when you go back to them all. You find that out when you're all feeling miserable. So I read this big book called Alcoholics Anonymous, and I read Dr Bottom of good old timers and Dr Bottom of good old timers, it says. The books we found absolutely essential was first strintains, Thirteen Seminar Oun from the book and James and that's what they say. Hey, they say that was their their path. Rarely USA in person of bail who has thoroughly followed up head thoroughly his word. It means you do what we did, you'll get what we got. And then in the big book they say we never apologize for God. We let him demonstrating our lives. And I sit around a rooms and why? I hear about people that are knocking God, knocking religion, knocking all that stuff, saying don't talk to me about the God should we don't want to hear and they just talk about their problems, all the problems they're having, and just don't drink and go to me. But the plug of the JOWT and nobody wants to talk about God or speak about God. They don't want to talk about the solution. And then I read this thing in the big book and it says we encourage church membership. It says most of us, Bill Wilson, Bob Smith, all the people that were there except one guy getting you know, they all of them went to church and they encourage church membership. And then they say this little line, this little one. It says now this is not obligatory. You know, this is like we're just suggesting this because we, as the founders, are encouraging this, because this is what we did. One guy didn't do it, as sin is Jim Burwell, it was the atheist. That's why they put in the thing, as you understand them, and he drank it get it. All the other ones encouraged it and they were members of churches and sent a God, believe even God, in the mouths they associate with people. And I found the person will be in the next ten years will depend upon the people you hang out with, the books you read, the books you we don't depend w who hang out. And so I'm ten years sober and I don't know what to do because I'm still have anxiety. I'm still worried about money, I'm still worried about this and I'm thinking, I'm looking at these promises. Been Rocking the fourth dimension of Resistance, you know, I'm looking at I'm socially loose. Fear people in that Comin scured. I'm still worried about people in that climb in security and I'm doing every I'm doing everything in Aa and I told my sponsor doing everything I totally go. I'm doing everything. He says, that you the Bible stuff. I said, warm a Lawier, I'm always looking at roubles. I said, well, no, I'm Jewish. Gift me. I don't. I don't do bottle, I don't do bibble. Study, because in a line, because I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready. Are you ready ready to study? First pointing is thirteen. Are you ready to study? Sermon on the Mount? Are you ready to cut study? Study the book of James, which is the book they use that as Mft. They we're going to call the James Club. Read the history of a A. Are you ready? You know, quite ready to that? That's okay. I was ready for you to. But then what happened was because AA listen to a started in nineteen thirty five. Big Book where this Sid Really I've seen here still stirtly, is written nineteen thirty nine. That was for years and the one thing they didn't do with a need to big, there's a holy Bob. You don't you're until your own feelings. You just gone time to your own facts. So the question is, are you ready? So I became ready because they said to myself, I said I can't sit around here making believe that I'm happy when I'm not happy and I haven't been doing the stuff that they're talking on the big books. I always thought it was extra credit, but it wasn't extra credited. Was the thing that separated the men boys. It was the thing that they were doing that most people are unwilling to do. And so I...

...started. I started going to Bible study or about sixty men. All of them were like about twenty, thirty, forty years older than me. They've been studying the same stuff and we study in here folkusing solely on God. God being said, all they do was song about God, not problems. But I got I met my third sponsor, my third sponsor and a John Glenn. You've been so over sixty years. He was a missionary and and he was my sponsor like ten kids, teen years until he died. He passed away. We're talking the car, because a lot of guys knew to John Men and they all wherever I went, no matter where I went, they would say, how's John? Is John Coming? It's John, go be with you all wanted to hang out with John. They all wanted to hang out with John Glenn. Steveb I don't know how many people go to tvv as incredible stories about John Glenn and the influence this man had on their lives, and pasted Terry Miller. And then and you found out that all righteousness and all spirituality is not found within the corners of alcoholics. Anonymous and people were putting down religious people and saying I'm we I'm spiritual, not religious, when the big book says we lose all prejudice, even against organized religion. We didn't see what those people right. And what happens? You have people here talking about the complete opposite of what the big book says we're supposed to do, where where they're encouraging church membership, they're saying, see where these people are right, get involved in this stuff and do this stuff. And you have people saying on spiritual, not religious because they don't want to do the God. That's the real truth. They don't want to do the God, there's God, because they're not ready to do because they still have a resentment against the Catholic church, how they were brought up or what some guy you know did to them. And certainly people have done bad things to people, and I'm not saying that, but you know some I'll say what the deal is. They're not ready. M They're not ready, and I can tell you this. I will promise you this. There are consequences and not being ready. There are consequences. They're not being ready to give up the reasons. Their consequence. Not Being ready to give up the thing, their consequences. Not going to give up the old ideas. There are consequences. Not Being ready to do the extra bedit. There are consequences. You limit your spiritual development because they're not ready, because you know something, because people will make fun of them. People will roll their eyes at the people and they will laugh at them. They'll the if you mentioned God, Bill Wilson and alcohol, Samics, something numbers three. When buil Dotson said I knew there was something more. There's something I hadn't got something. I think the person ought to have look about book these. Then I heard Bill Wilson say to my wife, Henrietta, the Lord God has been so wonderful to me. Turn me to this double disease I keep talking about and telling other people all he did, he says. I realized bill gave all credit to God. All you want to do is talk about God. Dr Bob was even worse than him, because they didn't care about what you thought about them. They cared about carrying a particular type message. But how to do making the said fact that their lives and so you go to a meetings at half, ninety nine percent of people in a means are stared talk about God because they're more worried about some guys and next them isn't even paying their visa bill, but they'll think about them, you know what I mean? Then worried about being rocking in the fourth dimensionist, and you got a lot of means. They talk about these, am man. So they talked about problems and hey, maybe I have a burning desire. You know, it's about Horse Shit. Nobody talks about the real deep because they're scared, because it worried about what other people think. And the people that worry about talking about worry about talking about cause because they're was deep down inside with the real truth is is they ride, would be cool and have people accept them, then turn it back on them, because part of alcoholism is to be if you're an alcohol or please love me, a Haula, please don't reject me, a Haula. I will be anything you want me to be, but be my friend. To hallock, don't look at me funny Hauli. You know I II will do anything. I will, I will pour myself out to your value just so you'll tell me you like. What a shitty way of real life, what a way of bondage to live your life. I didn't enjoy alcoholics, and I'm saying about for years that Shit. I did that Shit for the thirty one years before I get any and for at least ten or fifteen years before after. I think I want the real. I want the real dude. I became ready to do with these guys are doing, like I was ready to make the coffee. I didn't know how it was worked, I didn't understand, but I knew they did it and they said they did it and they encouraged it and I didn't look for the one loophole that Burdwell, look for it. Say Well, I don't want to do that Shit. I wanted to do what they did to see what happened. And the big book turned from Black and Whittings, I meant men. Never unbelievable...

...that I would have never met because I spend my life in an AA coffin and a is not a coffin, it's a launching pan. It's a spiritual king in their garden. And I want to go to college. I wanted to go to so are you ready? If you are ready, what are you ready for it? And as you go along and a, you're going to be telling you yourself, but I'm doing everything and it's not working. I'm doing and you're going to have to ask some what am I not doing? Who should I be following? We should I be looking? So you know what happens. It's funny thing. They got a lot of people that are ten years or twenty years or thirty or sober and they think they've done the third, second step. They haven't done the second step at all. They're still closed mind. The close minds the ninety percent of the important stuff. They closed, my eye, to the stuff that says God will show you how to create the Polosi create, it says. It says, but we will not know you, he says, we don't know, he's never be sure. But you must remember that that depends upon God and you must always rely on God. And you got people will say this isn't a God thing, this is just do another foot step. You do the steps that the cows come on if you don't get but the steps are designed to do is get you to the pot, to the point where you understand that God is the center in the you can do all the mechanics and use the tools and cows coming. You know something. It may keep you sober for forty or fifty years, or you may drink after thirty few, or you may be sober but just miserable. They but you'll never it'll be like going to a banquet and instead of even lost to you walk over. So what was it? Was that the second step? Third Step? The first step, the sixth step? Was it set? And seventh step was a twelve step? Was it the eleventh step? What step was that? I bless you. Thank you very much.

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