AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 3 months ago

Russell S. Talk 2 at the Solutions Group 10/13/2021 - "Are You Ready?"

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Russell S. Talk 2 at the Solutions Group, West Dixie Club, Miami, FL 10/13/2021 - "Are You Ready?"

Alcoholic. I have found that ofdrink since January twenty two, one thousand nine hundred and eighty one, andit's a privilege and a pleasure to be here with you all and I'm sortof going to map out you where I'm going on this thing. And Iknow many of you or some of you have heard me before and been througha step series with me before. Some of you are brand new and happitare you're coming back and I just want to welcome you all here and I'mhere to comfort to disturbed and disturb the comfortable. So I don't mean tohurt people's feelings. Are Getting them having Christmans are going out the door andwho the fuck is that guy? You know, and it just said.It just tends to happen at every meeting. I faults, you know. SoI'll probably say some things that'll bother you. I know there's some NewPeople here. I may say some things that disturb you. Don't worry aboutthis is just my own personal story, you know. Doesn't Sarah Stories disposein a general way where you like what happened what we liked it, andnow I found it so much easier rather than to me worry about what I'mgoing to say at an AA meeting. It's so much easier just tell thetruth. You know what I mean. I mean you could sit around saidwhat I'm going to say? How am I going to say it? Willthey like me? They don't like me. What if you acquire that promise inthe book where they say you'll lose fear of people in Economic Insecurity?What what if was to happen to you? What if one day you woke upand you no longer worried about where the point people thought about? Imean, I know your alcoholics. So you're constantly telling yourself and other peoplethat you don't give a at whatever people think about you. But what ifthat's not true? But if that's just delusional that you know, they sayalcoholics are selfish, self centered. We're driven by hundreds of your self delusion, selfseeking. You know, maybe maybe that's one of the delusions that wedelude ourselves and think we really don't. We tell ourselves so many times youdon't give a crap what other people think about us. We miss the factthat we're in bondage to the approval of other people. What if it's truecommentagery said in the s that alcoholics and men women are a destroy themselves.What if it's true that, no matter what alcoholics say about themselves, deepdown inside they feel unworthy and like the piece of Shit? What are theytrue then? What if it's true that when you're in the shower, drivingin your car about how long you're sober, when you start saying things, whenyou start hearing things in your mind like I'm an Asshole, I alreadykill myself, I'm a piece of shit on them, what if that's actuallyyour true reputation with yourself, about yourself? What if that's what you really feellike about yourself? What if all that spending money, you don't haveto buy shit, you don't need to Presband, you don't like, allthe crap you say, all the stuff you do, is really your wayof trying to hide the fact that you're so scared and you think other peoplerealize what a phony piece of shit you are. And if that's true,if that's part of alcoholism s until in alcoholic concepts, is alcoholism and allits consequences, the sobriety precarious, some to happiness and then no one,not at all. If that is really what alcoholism about, if it's notabout the drink and if it's not about the drug, and if that reallyis just as some disease. And the realist is, he said, isyour mind, not your body, and has to do with just some ofthe things I'm talking about. One thing. How do you get rid of thosethings? Does that happen as soon as you stop drinking? Or maybeit gets worse after stop drink. Maybe if drinking, maybe I drank becauseno woman, no amount of money, no car, know, nothing everworked quite as well on that shit as booze that I could drink alcohol andwith from five seconds I really didn't give a shit what you thought about Iwalk into a bar and I tell those people and worrying about, you know, that girl and that guy and what they're going to think, and thenI drink. You know, will I be accepted by the group? AndI drink that shit. I thought I owned The fucking group. What ifit's true that I wanted to go out of that gall or ask you todance, but I was scared to ask him to dance, and I drinkthat shit. I say you want to dance, you'd say no, thatyou said, you're fucking problem baby. You know, you know. Andwhat if it turned me into something that was but I don't know not.What if drinking made me non alcoholic. And what if one day the drinkingstopped working and then I turned to you know, I stopped and so Istopped the drinking and then all of a sudden I turned to the womanizing,or I turned to the spending money, or I turned to all the otherthings we turned to. To somehow, maybe I turned to same bad shitabout other people behind their back. Because somehow, some leg if you're analcoholic like me, if I talk to sheldon about somebody in the room andI say bad shit about them and he agrees with me and says, yeah, that guy really is an Asshole, somehow, in some strange way,it makes me feel better. What if the reason I think bad things aboutother people and talk bad things about other people on their back and Gosp atthem is is because then I don't have to talk about myself and I somehowfeel the superior. What if my problems are so much deeper than the drinkingthing? What of my sickness? What if I really do have great emotionaland meal stories I don't even understand. What if my first ten years inalcoholics anonymous is just getting a glimpse of how fucking sick I am, youknow what I mean? What if that situte? Then I have to figurewhen is this going to go away? What if it doesn't go as wayas fast? As well, the alcohol thing. So I became entirely readyto get rid of alcohol after fifteen years of drinking it. But if ittakes twenty five years to get rid of all the other shit, I justhave to suffer through it and figure out...

...what it's going to be. Whatif that's true? You know what I mean. So I'm in my fortyone year of sobriety. By the way, I give you permission if you're inyour if you have one year sobriety, you are allowed to say I'm inmy second year. You know what I mean. So it's what youremember when you were seven years. Only say how old you I say I'mseven and a half. You know. You tell you know. So Ithink, and I think it's a truthful statement, I'm in my forty oneyears. I started doing these steps series when I was about five or sixor seven years sober and I think I'm doing in this group almost every year. Last year was a watch. Who knows what happened last year. ButI've been doing steps in this room, in various rooms, like it's folksubhouse and both and stuff like that, for some like twenty years now,you know. And and my story is changed and a lot of things havechanged about me, because what I found is that everything you learn in here, whatever you learn and however you develop help, you sort of see throughthe rear view mirror coming up on it. You have no idea what the hell'sgoing on, you know what I mean. But maybe ten years downthe road you look back and you start to get something, connect the dots. You're bred enough, you've suffered enough. You've got through the trials and Trinyou've got through the raised end of the four kids, the eleven grandkids, whatever hell it is. You know. You've got through all thefinancial debaccos, the bankruptcy. You've got through the two rounds of cancer.You've got through the disappointments of people. You got through the whole swere,the whole mess, just a little bitch of you guys are experiencing now.But you get to go cover sober, you know, you go through thefear sober, and somehow at the other end of this, if you hangon the conveyor belt and keep focusing on God, like they want you todo in the big book, even though a lot of people say don't worryabout the God, don't you believe them? You don't have to worry about it. Don't you believe it? That's the thing, you know, that'swhat this thing is all about. What if you hang in there and somehowdown the road, all of a sudden this whole thing clears up? Maybenot the whole thing, but a lot of the thing clears up for youso that you maybe at thirty years or forty years or ten years and years, you sort of understand a lot of stuff that was really magical to youand didn't make any sense when we first came in. But if that's theway, have you come a dount blocks anonymous and your spots says hang inthere, and there the how do I hang in there's this like Oh,this is what the fuck does that? Mere hanging there? What if you'reat a meeting, like I do in a meeting, and you people aretalking, you're listening to me. You're not saying the word. And thereason I say in Word is because your humble and you're stupid. That's whatyou and you don't you don't have anything to say because you don't have anythingimportant to say. And you know what I mean. And then your sponsorcomes up to you and he says, you know, you're selfish. Isay what? I haven't even done anything. Says you're selfish. He says,I know she never shared. A means just say you never share.Other people share. You never shared. And you say, I don't reallyhave anything to say, and says you're selfish. He says these people cometo an and they and they talk about intimate things have to do with theirlives because it will help to them and maybe they think it will help otherpeople. And you sit there like some sort of where your and you justdrink up everything they say and you say nothing. You're you're a taker.You take everything, you give nothing. WHOA, Whoa. So I startedtalking. I haven't stopped since. You know what I mean. He saysRus so you got to get out of yourself. You got to get outof yourself. Get Out of yourself. I said why? Do you guys, is we got to talk about yourself, is it? What the fuck isgoing on with this where? This is crazy shit. You know whatI mean? How does this thing work? I don't know. You gotta getout of yourself. You got to talk about yourself. And you know, one of the things I was told one time, you know a lotof the things appreciates, because say true, that the only way to give agood a meeting is to be sincere, honestly and sincere. And what youlearn how to fake that. You got it made so. But thegood thing about that, but it's hard to be honest when you live yourwhole life trying to make make like your a big shit. Then stand becauseit's you don't even realize you're doing it. It's like an automatically. But whatyou find is if you if you can give it up to God andbe less concerned about what the people in at about anybody, you walk withGod. In my sense, my walk with a rule and you realize thatmy job is to be a maximum service. But it says in the book bookkeeps you the key. Even though you don't believe it, it says. It says if you want remarkable things happen to you once you make asincere decision. For God also, it's remarkable things happen. How many peoplewant remarkable things happen, miracle things were actualist, you know what I mean? If you want, you know, listen in here, you don't wantTV, you'll see these commercials, you know, and I'm as you cansee, I'm a little overweight, the little overweight, you know, morbidlyobese. Okay, what the Hell? But you know, actually, actually, as you know, you watch these commercials and they have these testimonials.They see some guy who's five hundred and six pounds next side. Three monthslater he's like, he's like a he's like a stick, you know,and it has a a man, I...

...want that Shit, you know whatI mean? You know, lose two hundred pounds like over a fucking night. You know, that's my kind of Diet. I just don't like theidea where it takes like a year going to the gym or anything like that. And but you know, in this deal it, in this feeling,it's like a little bit of a different story. You can have remarkable thingshappening to you on the inside pretty quickly and sometimes it takes a long time, but you can have some remarkable stuff happened to you. But you gotto make some big that you got to sacrifice some old ideas that it's hardfor to get rid of because they're almost emotionally. They're mostly emotionally, andgranted, you automatically go to them without even thinking. Like somebody says youwant you chare the meeting. You got three months. You say I'm notready, because you know you're not ready to chair meeting and you don't evenknow that. That's alcohol code for I'm scared. It's not that you can'tChare the meeting, it's just that you're scared to share them. But you'renot going to say I'm scared the Chit the meeting for two reasons. Firstof all, you don't even know you're scared to child mean, you justknow you're not ready. And number two, even if you knew you were scaredto change here of the meeting, you're scared to telling youbody you're scared. You see, that's how fucking scared you are. You're scared. Itwould make you're scared, and so what if you have a disease like that, that you can't not only see the disease, but even if you sawthe disease, you're scared to think that it's possibly the disease. You know, you got like things within things and going on inside of you that youlearn. And how do we learn? How was the book to say welearned, we get a new perspective. I repeated humiliations in the final questionof ourselves busts. So maybe this thing you call the first step, whatdo you call it? The you got to hit bottom? Maybe this bottomthing, maybe it's a series of bottom maybe this whole bunch of fucking problems. Maybe there's a bottom with alcohol, maybe there's a bottom of sex,maybe there's a bottom of lust, maybe this bottom of wash sh it.And so what happens? I'm going to talk about the drinking or anything.I might have mentioned that last week. You know I mean. I'm goingto talk about alcoholics and I'm going to talk about the solution, I'm goingto talk about the victory and I'll tell you something else I'm going to doin here so you understand what's going on. You know what? I graduated withPromo, honest pop and mathematics. I was off my phd and I'llthe rate topology and I finally went to law school, and I'm not sayingyou know, I'm almost on an academic did you know what I mean?And although my first sponsor, I was a socially sponsor by Jesus or whereAlbert Einstein. But for some reason I can day, at thirty one yearsold, at to neurons working. They were in good Biye to each otherand they stuck me with a youth par sales from from Chicago didn't even runwith the sixth grade and it was a cosmic mistake. And he used tolook at me and say thing, Russell, you know as much about life asdog knows about his father. And I'd sit there, because I wasa prosecutor for many years. I put people in jail for a hundred yearstowards I used to I'd sit there and he said you, this is anactual thing that can hear you. He frowze up for me too, meto my grand right now. Okay, ere, you a blesser. Ithink we got your back. I can hi can vault, as they say. You know, I got about five zoom meetings a day. I gota I go to zero in the morning. I go to a quiet time inthe morning where they're all the all it's just hims and prayers, andI go to seven o'clock me and I go to a man's mean the twelveo'clock noon and I go to a four o'clock meet in the afternoon, andI'm able to do that with our my law office whatever. And I goto meeting at night and I go to these meetings to you know. SoI do a lot of stuff. And you know, I'm seventy two,been married forty years. My life still where it's over. You know whatI mean? Nothing much for me to do, you know. But youknow, over the period of the year and a half I've gotten gone,I've got a group, a group of many, many friends all over theworld. I mean one of the great things about zoo, and I'm justsort of talk a little bit about this so young, saying what's going onis is that I'm not confined to the ten miles around my house. Forthe fifty miles around myself, we got people from London, for Ireland,South Africa, from all over the place, Australia, that would become very,very good friends and I love them. I care about them a lot,so I carry them over the meetings, you know, and I want tobe with you and I'm with them, so I get concerned about them.That's one of the things that happens to you when you're when you geta tender heart, because what happens is you you you become concerned about otherpeople. Were concerned about yourself, and that that's a sign that you're actuallygetting better. And see what I'm saying. So you know, I want everybodyto hear whatever they need to hear in that so, in any event, I saw you coming to I didn't want you know, you coming herewith all sorts of old ideas and all sorts of stuff. They say halfmeasures a value nothing, but I'm a...

...half pleasures kind of guy. Ithink half pressure sort of billion fifty percent. You know what I mean? Thebook says they value nothing. I think they value fifty percent. Youknow what? Anyone can I tell you. They said there's no middle of theroad solution. But listen, I'm not I'm not liking all en nothing. They said God is everything. You know where he is nothing, andI'm like, well, God's everything, but I'd like to have the Playboybunny to you know, I mean can I be like Jesus? And youhave to some of you guys don't even know. You have to lose.You know, you know, but I mean, I mean I want,I want. Here's what I want. I want all the Babes, Iwant all the money, I want all the cars and I want to belike Jus, you know, when I want to be spiritual, you know, not religious, and everyone like that. And apparently there's a problem there andI don't even see the problem. I don't see why I can't haveboth. The problems you can happen. Problems is you can be you canbe happy beyond your wildest dreams and you can experience much of heaven and youcan be rocking in the fourth dimension of existence. And can you lose?You can lose for your people in the Becknock Insecurity, or you can becool. But you can't be both. Can't be both. You can't beboth. Personally, I think that if you go for the God thing andyou get rocking in the fourth dimension of distances and as much of heaven andtold that that really is cool. So I guess it all depends on whatyour definition of full is, I guess it all depends if you want whatwe have or you want what you had. I said, if you want whatwe have and you're willing to go to any length to get it andyou're ready to take certain then you're ready. And some people come in here becausesay well, we have, but then I willing go to any lengthto get it. I mean to get what most people will never have.You've got to be willing to do what most people will never do, andmost people will never do what it takes to get the goal hit the MOother they just won't. That's why you have a six step which separates themen from the voice. I like the way he said. Well, he'sgoing to do the second step. I'm do the second step and the thirdstep of the fourth and they first step and the sixth step and the Stevenstep and a whole bunch of steps that are all going to be mixed inthere, because I don't even know what I'm talking about now. I haveto do these things for forty years, over and over and over again,like wax on wax off, you know, just sort of you don't do thesteps, you sort of live the steps at first it becomes like it'sso different, it's so it's so different than you usual life. And dothe steps. You see him. You know, you know I can.I just did a third te I just turned it over to God. Youknow, I just turned it. I'm turning it. I turned it overto God. Or I just turned it over. But that was a twelvestep, but that was six stepping and somewhere along the road, if youkeep on doing it over and over and over again, every day, everysecond in the do what they tell you to do over and over again,accepted and surrendering, its rendering and surrendering, one day you wake up and you'renot turn anything over because you're living. It. Turns over life. Whatif you wake up in the morning you live to turns over life becauseyou turn it over the God. Last night they turned over God. Inthe morning. You turn over God every second of the day and all youdo is think about God. What if? What if Dr Bob was right whenhe said first things first, a short head of saying seeking first theKing of God in his righteousness, and all things will be added. UntoYou, what if you turn things over to God and you pray to Godand you believe God is the most important thing in your life and you neverapologize for God, like it says in the big book, because it saysall men of faith had courage, they trust their God, they let himdemonstrate their lives. But he could be what if you do that? Whatif the big book is right? What if it's right? When the bigbook says is big book stuff. This is the real deal. You know, you got guys that are scared because you knew what they want to tellyou. Don't worry about the God thing because you'll run away. But thepeople who are going to run away from that stuff, we're going to drinkanyway. Where the fuck are they running to? Out There? You thinkthe answers out there. So they got to run AWA anyway. That kindof stick around. But what if there are people in here that that'll savetheir lives. They become intrigued with what they want to hear message of death. And what if they're right? And when they say if you seriously,seriously give your life to God and you utterly abandon yourself to God, theseare the words that they use, all sorts of remarkable things happen. Youall powerful to give you everything you need if you stay close to performance.Work well, and what's his work? Is worked as the amaccium service himand other beach and to love on other people in care. How other soif I love other people, I care about other people and I've been aroundfor forty years because Lord is allowed me to be around forty years. Whereelse would I be accept a meeting th wrong zoom or something like that,try to carry and that's what else would I be doing except talk about shouldI hide this stuff from you? Should I say I can not talk aboutthe I matter, not talk about the truth that I've learned, because Imight scare the last guy in the room out the door, and I'm nothere for that guy. Is that Guy's going anyway? Because he's not interested. He isn't want we have. A lot of people don't want we have. They want what they had. They want what they had, they wantto get laid, they want to sit...

...out in the parking lot and smokecigarettes and talk bullshit about other people. A lot of people want we have, but they're not willing to go to any length to get it's just notwilling to go that far and they're never going to get you gotta want.We have and be won't go to any plate to get it. Then you'reready. Then you're ready. So let me ask you a question. Areyou ready? It's a question. I'm interested in the answer. Are youready? Are you what? Was it a Shitty are you ready? Youthink you're ready. You really think you're ready. Well, why don't wedevote this? Because ready has to do with the second step, and thethird step doesn't it doesn't. That second I have to do with open mindedness, tolerance, being ready to accept all new ideas, get rid of allthe ideas. Isn't that what ready is all about? Well, you know, let's see whether you're ready. Let's do a ready test right now.Let's say you're if you're ready, because you all yelled I'm ready. Right, let's let's talk about being read, because one of the great things thathappens, you know, is you really do see this thing in the rearview mirror. When I was about two months Ober, anybody here, notFrisian, ever have money problems. When I was now you're sober, andI was broken. I had a wife and a pull buch kids that Icouldn't hit. The Red Morriage come down on men't understand what was going onbecause I always made a lot of money and I was made good money andI was always broke because apparently I learned it nine years, even though I'mpretty good mathematician, at nine years. My sponsor for me Russell, whenyou spend more money than you make, you go into something called dead Ididn't know that Shit. You know what I mean, because I spend moneyemotionally. I get a feeling, you know, because I'm because I'm sensitive, even though my sponsor said no, you're not, sense great artisan,the sense of you're just touching. I'm touching you know. Somehow, someway, I get a feeling you when I feel a certain way about myselffor less than or something. I don't know. Of the contact. Inever worry about the committee. No, people take the committing. I neverworry about the committee. In my head. You know why they're they're all FIFTYZERO. They're all talking shit. I never worried about committee because I'm likeinvited to the meetings. But the bottom line is we got to worry aboutis the executive that are holding meeting, since secret eat down inside of youand you don't hear what they're saying, and they're saying all sorts of thingsthat you can get your trouble and they see say things like you need tobuy that Blouse, you need to get a new hair stuff, you needto lose fifty pounds, you need to do this, you need to geta new house, you need to get a car. Usually say that shitwhen you're broke, by the way, you know, you become an ifonly are in a yes butter and every day you wake up you say,if only I had a new life, I only had this, I onlyhad that, because that's the answer your problem, and it's so clear.You don't need to go to a meeting to hear that. It's so clearthat if your wife treated you differently, well, you had a girlfriend,or you get laid or Gottkombawer, anything material in this world, you wouldbe okay. And of course you don't realize that's an idea that you've beenoperating on ever since before you came to alcoholics anonymous, and you will beoperating on that idea, by the way, for the next ten or twenty years, until you get to the alcoholics and Nonos, that something out thereis going to pitch and you never quite grasp the fact, and most peopledon't, that if you don't deal with the real sickness, the real disease and the real separation from God, all the things in the world won'twon't won't fish. It'll just make things to us and all you'll do isyou'll be feeling sorry for yourself and struggling to get those things and feeling likeshit if you don't get them or, once you get them, run aroundtrying to figure out how to keep them and scared you're going to lose someoneand it feel who's them? Suicide do with the girl or the guy caror the disc or that you understand what I'm saying. That's your deal,that's your God, that's what you really worship. I'll caution. Don't haveproblems worshiping. They worship men, worship women, women worship men, theyworship romance for a stage. All that stuffing they done about in the sixstep. So are you ready? How do you get rid of you gotto be ready. What are I mean? Ready to? What? If youwant, we have are you willing going to a let to get it? Are you ready? So let me tell you what I found out aboutthat over the last forty years. So I came downhols anonymous with any question. I've done the first step. I...

...was ready. I was ready.It's all about it. I was ready to do anything to stop drinking.I was ready to do anything to stop drinking. Go to meeting snow question. I was ready to go to any I came up to my sponsor whenI was a month so ober, two months sober, broke. I didn'twant to tell anybody at the group because you know, it'stunt of the business. And you know I didn't. I don't. I just didn't feel likesharing that stuff. There's a possibly had to do with pride. I don'tknow, you know, but not going to give a shit what they thoughtabout me. I didn't think was any of their business to realize the hotshot lawyer is broke. You know what I mean. But but I didn'tfeel like telling him. But it was just killing you, was just killingme. I didn't want to drink many suicide was a possible idea. Youknow, when you don't want to drink, the killing yourself is something you thinkabout a lot. That actually maybe a plus. If you don't wantto drink or drive, but killing yourself at an option that's maybe assign thatyou're getting better. I don't I don't know. You're willing to die ratherthan drink. But I know one thing. I had to tell somebody. Sowent up to my sponsor. I tell him. I said, Bob, I'm two months behind and the mortgage. I don't have any money. Ififty in the bed. You know, I got a laugh. Forgot thesethree kids. I don't know what I'm to do. I don't knowwhere the money's coming from and I have a real problem. Thanking you.I'll tell my sponsor. Maybe you'll spot me about you know what I mean. And all because that's the answer to my PA. That's the answer.Look to say anything, it's good, but let's face it. I meanI'm not saying money's important. It's just right up there with oxygen. Youknow what I mean? I mean, yeah, yeah, you're laughing debtand you know what it's like. But the bottom line is. The bottomline is I figure out I'm going in with Llus and a's nice, butthis is not bullshit. This is a real life problem. Money's a reallife problem and I'm going up to my spowe conswer with the money problem andI want an answer and I don't know what to do. I'm in ana room for they people. It's before the being. I'm talking about areal problem. He looks amazed, as I think I understand the problem is. Yeah, I said, yeah, it's this. I think it's abouttime you started making coffee for the group. And I'm sober, I'm not drinking, you know. So I'm thinking about this thing and I'm thinking,I don't think there's a conversation going on here. I'm not sure he heardme. It says, no, I'm broke. You say, yeah,I heard that. I think we need to do is start making coffee forthe group. And then he said follow me, and I couldn't notice thathe was one who was making off for the group. So I have totell you it occurred to me that this was the way they got out ofmaking coffee. You know what I mean? I had like a month or twoand he starts showing me how to measuring the coffee out and I saidand he sat showing me. I get into the coffee thing. And sothe next day I'm so good to meeting but no money had come in.So I was depressed. No, cancel that. I was very depressed.Alcoholics don't know depression. We get very depressed, you know what I mean, because our feelings, our feelings overwhelmed us. We will do things wethink are incredibly smart, but they're all based on feelings. The next GuyTimes Guide. Sometimes somebody tells you get in touch you the feeling. Youslap the shit out of them. Run away from that guy. I've beenin touch with my feelings all my life. I'm so in touch with my feelings. If you walked into if I walked into a cancer ward with childrendying of cancer, I would get feeling of such feeling of self pity andsadness that Woun't give a shit they're dying. Again, I would be thinking aboutme. There's nothing that can happen on the planet where I couldn't feelbe thinking about moms. So wrapped up my feelings. Believe me, Idon't even know you're feeling the Shit I've done the people, the things I'vesaid to people because I feel a certain way without even thinking about what howwould affect that. You you can't even about. I'll give you examples,but I'm not gonna do? It's a night. Will we get to theforest? I will talk about that stuff, but believe me, I know myself. I look back on and so he says that he walks I walkout. And so the next day comes in and I'm very depressed because nomoney has come in. I'm supposed to be and I don't want to goto the meeting and I don't want to go to the meeting because I'm depressed. I'm very depressed. You know, I don't feel like gold. Thisis I'm very depressed and but I had to go. I have to makethe fucking cough. So I went to the meeting. The meeting was allabout whatever the pre you know how meetings are. You go to meet youlook a prow and also is exactly what you need to hear and all thatsort of shit and it gets your feeling better and they go to next meeting. That I don't know what happened. Month later, two months, mymoney came in. I didn't die, I didn't explode. Everything worked out. Three months later, some guy comes up to me and says, youknow, I'll make the coffee. I said, I'm the coffee maker.The fuck a point to you. You know what I mean. I'm theguy making the coffee here and they call fore that group. For eighteen monthsmaking coffee for that group. I don't...

...know how. Now let me tellyou what I realized now, and I didn't realize this before. I don'trealize this for twenty years, but twenty years I didn't know. I canyou not realize this then? I'm sober today because one might when I toldmy sponsor that one thing that was bothering and he said to me, well, I think you can promise. You need to start making coffee. I'msober today because I followed him over the coffee Pott I made the call anotherguy in mid set. This guy's full shit. I mean no one,another guy would have said, because I've seen it happened. I needed newsponsor. My sponsor doesn't appreciate me, doesn't understand me. He's full ofShit's a bunch of or hour. Who would have said I'm not going tomake the publish. I went up to spots and show. He didn't helpme at all. I'm sober today because I followed him over and I'm thecoffee, because I made the coffee. I came the next night. I'vebeen coming back ever since because, even though I didn't understand saying and whathe said made no sense whatsoever. No sense in my mind whatsoever had nothingto do with my problem, I was ready. I was ready, Iwas ready to make the coffee, I was ready to follow a guy whowas tell me something that made no sense butsoever and do what he told meto do because I didn't want to drink, because I was ready, and that'sthe only reason. They made no sense to me. And one dayhe told me to say that. One day I said, well, Idon't want to say the Lord's prayer, and he said why? I saidbecause I don't want to be a hypocrite. He says, was you bust ahypocrite before you came in here. You mean you say one thing,you doing other things? Yeah, OK, Shit. And Anyhow, anybody isan out walking here is already a hypocrite. They've already got the GoldStar for af you know, it says. He says, this is what wedo and turn our will know life over. The God used to dothis. And I started saying the words Perier, I started saying this rainfay. You know why not? Because I understood would have met or anything,because I was ready. I was ready to do that. Then one daythey told me an alcoholics, anonyms. And Listen, I'm leaving out tenzerobits. One that day they told me an alcoholics anomous. You know,they told me when I started bitching and moaning about stuff. They said,you know some about things that happened to me. You know that old storyI tell it about the God a bounced poble the dollar check that guy got. He bounced the poble the dollar check on me and all I'm doing istalking about I hate that guy, blah, blah, blah. And my sponsorcame up and he says, well, I understand. The questions is,how would you feel didn't? Bobby said, what do you mean? How wouldI feel for good bobby, I said, how would he feel?God, I said, I don't even understand the question. He bounced thebottom of that. You know my my answer is always have been happened toyou. You feel the same way, and I really like I've met peoplein they that bad things happen to when they didn't feel the same they didn'ttalk badly about other people. They were able to hit take the shots and, you know, act like what, how about this? A fucking grownup, you know. And he said, how would you feel if that?How would I feel if it didn't bond? I said, well,if it didn't bother me, I feel fine. He so there you go. So what do you do when they say what do you do when you'rewore months ober or five months to him, six months over before step and theysay, let me tell you something, you gotta, you gotta, yougotta get rid of this. Every SEMP RESEMBAN's going to kill you.It's going to lead to it drain. You gotta pray for the Guy.What are you doing? They tell you how to crate. Pray for theASS that doesn't deserve any prayers. What do you do when they tell yougot to ask God? What do you do? You know what I itdoesn't make any sense. It's stupid. It's different than what I've ever done, but I did it. You know why I did it? I wasready. So I wanted what they had and I was red. You gotit to get it. What are you doing? It tell you you can'thang out at that place. You know you're not to have with that place. Shouldn't go out of that guy, shouldn't go out of that back room, shouldn't go on that trip. You shouldn't do this, you shouldn't buythat, shouldn't do that, and never like that. And they sort ofgive you a reason, but the other reasons they could make no sense andyou tried to tell them no, you don't understand. What do you dowhen, every time they tell and you shit and make no sense whatever.You explain to that that you don't understand, because they don't understand. What doyou do when you don't do it? What do that? What do youwhen you when you actually follow the direction and don't do it? AndI would do that many times with many things, because I was ready.I was ready. That's that's when you find it. You're ready. Solet me ask you this. What happens when you're ten years so and youdoing steps all over town and you speaking the convention and your sponsoring fifty,sixty, seventy, whatever, how many people use sponsor, and you don'thave any desire to drink and you and you're doing service all of the place. The instrogt Backman chairman for last two years. You're on real lay,for eight years, on real lay,...

...doing all that stuff because you're readyto do that. You're to do all that stuff and you read the benefitsfrom it, from doing all stuff. So what happens when you ten yearssober and you're doing everything and you're not happy with this pride, pleased tohave an old marble commercial? Are you smoking more and enjoying less? Whathappens when it, when a's does it, it's not working the way work foryou when you first came in, when you were exhilarated, when you'reon that pink cloud, when everything was doing different, for everything was anadventure. You know what I mean. What happens when you're ten years soberand you're doing everything and you still play? You by anxiety? You're still worriedabout money, you're still worried about all this stuff. You're doing everything. I once told my sponsor, I said when I was through my soberI said that my sponsor. I think I had an hour. I wasn'tfeeling good. I said it's not working for me. He said, what'snot working for you? Says, Hey, it's not working for me, saysI work to. Yeah, I'm doing everything and it's not working forsaid. Oh, he said, Oh, I think you're maybe one of therare ones. Really, says, yeah, you're one of the rareones. I said, Holy Shit, I've been telling them, I've beentelling them I was different. Now he honestly understands. He finally understands.He says, really, one of the werones. Says, yeah, you'reone of the real ones. Well, what's that, he says? Well, they talked about it everything you go to. I said what he says, they talk about it, the rare ones that every mean you go to. They haven't talked about it any means I go. He says, Ithey talked about it every meeting you go too. I said, I haven't. ICS Just don't, they say. Rarely have we seen a person failwho was thoroughly followed out, bad thoroughly followed up. Hand, you havedone everything and they hay everything and it's not working for you. Is Nowwhat you told me? Says, yeah, I just I think you have toleave a. It not. That old fuck is the only things everwork for me. And now my sponsor is kicking me out of a aand I'm looking like I lost my pet dog or something. You know isyou have leave baby. Don't tell me you're doing everything. If you doneyour fourth study, stim will know. You know. So I don't askpeople what they're doing because they're going to tell me they're doing everything. They'regoing to means I ask them what they're not doing. What do you notdo? Secret is always when you're not doing, because that's what you're notready to do. It rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughlyfollowed our path. What was their path? You know what their path was.Did you know what the big book it says? Did you know whenthe big book that says this? We in that the founders of a saidthis? We encourage Bill Wilson D to Bob all the founders. One Guy, Jim Burwell, wasn't into what he was the atheist. You know,by the way, I'm with the you know that. What's that step thatthey talked about? Humbly ask him, ask God to who? By defectscharacter? I was always wondering her nate, who do you ask? I meanwho you ask him? Let's say you're not an atheist. Let's sayyou just believe in some sort of fluppy thing in the air and live.who asked him to remove your defensive Tim I don't know. I want toknow who I'm talking to. I don't know about you, but I wantto know who I'm talking to and I I want to have a faith.I want to have that thing they have in the big book where it sayswe're convinced that they he becomes a central factor of a lot. That's thegreat fan that we're convinced that he lives in arts minds which in the dayaway in a way which is remarkable, miraculous. He's doing press we can'tdo for ourselves. I'm going to be so convinced of who God is andwhat God is a conquert thing, because I don't I'm got to say something. I'm one of these alcoholics. I have a poor imagination. I mean, I'm telling you, I'm a poor imagination. I mean, I canimagine a goodlooking Gal, I can imagine, you know, what would you liketo you know, be in a yacht or something like that. Ican't imagine to be I don't do good at making up God. I knowit says God as you understand them. I just don't do really well withan imaginary God. I don't do well with creating God. Now, Lison, in the beginning, like Bill Wilson said, he said I hate God, I hate the idea of God, I hate a person relationship with God. And the guy said, well, well, I just try whatever yourown imagination dreams up. He says that I can go with. That's goodfor the first three weeks there smirs month, first two months, first year.Maybe I can tell you something. Ten Years Sober, imaginary God didn'twork from them. Now, when you have cancer, tough to pay toan imaginary God. When you have cancer it's that. You know, oneday I needed five thousand dollars to see...

I wrest was going to put mein jail. So I don't know, they weren't any doing. But I'mscared. Like pulled my father that I was scared. Just had spoken thema couple of years. I said Dad, I have a problem and you knowI was I knew I was talking. I was talking to my dad,but I did think you're getting money. But I'm so scared, I wasso desperate I did it. I called up and he said they'll havethe check to morrow morning. It was there and I'll say had such agreat feeling. But I knew who to call and I knew I was talking. I don't know about talking to some imagine and I just dream up inmy mind to make myself think I'm doing a just wouldn't work. From me, you know, never did work. Actually didn't work. I knew whohe was. May you find, it says, there is one who hasall power. That one is God. May you find him now. Oneof the things I learned after forty years there's a big difference between the onethat has all power and the God of my imagine. You may find alongthe way that there is a difference in the one who has all power thatyou have to find now and the one you fucking dreamed up in your ownyou think he is. And you know how? You'll find that out whenyou can't stop drinking, when you go back to them all. You findthat out when you're all feeling miserable. So I read this big book calledAlcoholics Anonymous, and I read Dr Bottom of good old timers and Dr Bottomof good old timers, it says. The books we found absolutely essential wasfirst strintains, Thirteen Seminar Oun from the book and James and that's what theysay. Hey, they say that was their their path. Rarely USA inperson of bail who has thoroughly followed up head thoroughly his word. It meansyou do what we did, you'll get what we got. And then inthe big book they say we never apologize for God. We let him demonstratingour lives. And I sit around a rooms and why? I hear aboutpeople that are knocking God, knocking religion, knocking all that stuff, saying don'ttalk to me about the God should we don't want to hear and theyjust talk about their problems, all the problems they're having, and just don'tdrink and go to me. But the plug of the JOWT and nobody wantsto talk about God or speak about God. They don't want to talk about thesolution. And then I read this thing in the big book and itsays we encourage church membership. It says most of us, Bill Wilson,Bob Smith, all the people that were there except one guy getting you know, they all of them went to church and they encourage church membership. Andthen they say this little line, this little one. It says now thisis not obligatory. You know, this is like we're just suggesting this becausewe, as the founders, are encouraging this, because this is what wedid. One guy didn't do it, as sin is Jim Burwell, itwas the atheist. That's why they put in the thing, as you understandthem, and he drank it get it. All the other ones encouraged it andthey were members of churches and sent a God, believe even God,in the mouths they associate with people. And I found the person will bein the next ten years will depend upon the people you hang out with,the books you read, the books you we don't depend w who hang out. And so I'm ten years sober and I don't know what to do becauseI'm still have anxiety. I'm still worried about money, I'm still worried aboutthis and I'm thinking, I'm looking at these promises. Been Rocking the fourthdimension of Resistance, you know, I'm looking at I'm socially loose. Fearpeople in that Comin scured. I'm still worried about people in that climb insecurity and I'm doing every I'm doing everything in Aa and I told my sponsordoing everything I totally go. I'm doing everything. He says, that youthe Bible stuff. I said, warm a Lawier, I'm always looking atroubles. I said, well, no, I'm Jewish. Gift me. Idon't. I don't do bottle, I don't do bibble. Study,because in a line, because I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready. Areyou ready ready to study? First pointing is thirteen. Are you ready tostudy? Sermon on the Mount? Are you ready to cut study? Studythe book of James, which is the book they use that as Mft.They we're going to call the James Club. Read the history of a A.Are you ready? You know, quite ready to that? That's okay. I was ready for you to. But then what happened was because AAlisten to a started in nineteen thirty five. Big Book where this Sid Really I'veseen here still stirtly, is written nineteen thirty nine. That was foryears and the one thing they didn't do with a need to big, there'sa holy Bob. You don't you're until your own feelings. You just gonetime to your own facts. So the question is, are you ready?So I became ready because they said to myself, I said I can't sitaround here making believe that I'm happy when I'm not happy and I haven't beendoing the stuff that they're talking on the big books. I always thought itwas extra credit, but it wasn't extra credited. Was the thing that separatedthe men boys. It was the thing that they were doing that most peopleare unwilling to do. And so I...

...started. I started going to Biblestudy or about sixty men. All of them were like about twenty, thirty, forty years older than me. They've been studying the same stuff and westudy in here folkusing solely on God. God being said, all they dowas song about God, not problems. But I got I met my thirdsponsor, my third sponsor and a John Glenn. You've been so over sixtyyears. He was a missionary and and he was my sponsor like ten kids, teen years until he died. He passed away. We're talking the car, because a lot of guys knew to John Men and they all wherever Iwent, no matter where I went, they would say, how's John?Is John Coming? It's John, go be with you all wanted to hangout with John. They all wanted to hang out with John Glenn. StevebI don't know how many people go to tvv as incredible stories about John Glennand the influence this man had on their lives, and pasted Terry Miller.And then and you found out that all righteousness and all spirituality is not foundwithin the corners of alcoholics. Anonymous and people were putting down religious people andsaying I'm we I'm spiritual, not religious, when the big book says we loseall prejudice, even against organized religion. We didn't see what those people right. And what happens? You have people here talking about the complete oppositeof what the big book says we're supposed to do, where where they're encouragingchurch membership, they're saying, see where these people are right, get involvedin this stuff and do this stuff. And you have people saying on spiritual, not religious because they don't want to do the God. That's the realtruth. They don't want to do the God, there's God, because they'renot ready to do because they still have a resentment against the Catholic church,how they were brought up or what some guy you know did to them.And certainly people have done bad things to people, and I'm not saying that, but you know some I'll say what the deal is. They're not ready. M They're not ready, and I can tell you this. I willpromise you this. There are consequences and not being ready. There are consequences. They're not being ready to give up the reasons. Their consequence. NotBeing ready to give up the thing, their consequences. Not going to giveup the old ideas. There are consequences. Not Being ready to do the extrabedit. There are consequences. You limit your spiritual development because they're notready, because you know something, because people will make fun of them.People will roll their eyes at the people and they will laugh at them.They'll the if you mentioned God, Bill Wilson and alcohol, Samics, somethingnumbers three. When buil Dotson said I knew there was something more. There'ssomething I hadn't got something. I think the person ought to have look aboutbook these. Then I heard Bill Wilson say to my wife, Henrietta,the Lord God has been so wonderful to me. Turn me to this doubledisease I keep talking about and telling other people all he did, he says. I realized bill gave all credit to God. All you want to dois talk about God. Dr Bob was even worse than him, because theydidn't care about what you thought about them. They cared about carrying a particular typemessage. But how to do making the said fact that their lives andso you go to a meetings at half, ninety nine percent of people in ameans are stared talk about God because they're more worried about some guys andnext them isn't even paying their visa bill, but they'll think about them, youknow what I mean? Then worried about being rocking in the fourth dimensionist, and you got a lot of means. They talk about these, am man. So they talked about problems and hey, maybe I have a burningdesire. You know, it's about Horse Shit. Nobody talks about the realdeep because they're scared, because it worried about what other people think. Andthe people that worry about talking about worry about talking about cause because they're wasdeep down inside with the real truth is is they ride, would be cooland have people accept them, then turn it back on them, because partof alcoholism is to be if you're an alcohol or please love me, aHaula, please don't reject me, a Haula. I will be anything youwant me to be, but be my friend. To hallock, don't lookat me funny Hauli. You know I II will do anything. I will, I will pour myself out to your value just so you'll tell me youlike. What a shitty way of real life, what a way of bondageto live your life. I didn't enjoy alcoholics, and I'm saying about foryears that Shit. I did that Shit for the thirty one years before Iget any and for at least ten or fifteen years before after. I thinkI want the real. I want the real dude. I became ready todo with these guys are doing, like I was ready to make the coffee. I didn't know how it was worked, I didn't understand, but I knewthey did it and they said they did it and they encouraged it andI didn't look for the one loophole that Burdwell, look for it. SayWell, I don't want to do that Shit. I wanted to do whatthey did to see what happened. And the big book turned from Black andWhittings, I meant men. Never unbelievable...

...that I would have never met becauseI spend my life in an AA coffin and a is not a coffin,it's a launching pan. It's a spiritual king in their garden. And Iwant to go to college. I wanted to go to so are you ready? If you are ready, what are you ready for it? And asyou go along and a, you're going to be telling you yourself, butI'm doing everything and it's not working. I'm doing and you're going to haveto ask some what am I not doing? Who should I be following? Weshould I be looking? So you know what happens. It's funny thing. They got a lot of people that are ten years or twenty years orthirty or sober and they think they've done the third, second step. Theyhaven't done the second step at all. They're still closed mind. The closeminds the ninety percent of the important stuff. They closed, my eye, tothe stuff that says God will show you how to create the Polosi create, it says. It says, but we will not know you, hesays, we don't know, he's never be sure. But you must rememberthat that depends upon God and you must always rely on God. And yougot people will say this isn't a God thing, this is just do anotherfoot step. You do the steps that the cows come on if you don'tget but the steps are designed to do is get you to the pot,to the point where you understand that God is the center in the you cando all the mechanics and use the tools and cows coming. You know something. It may keep you sober for forty or fifty years, or you maydrink after thirty few, or you may be sober but just miserable. Theybut you'll never it'll be like going to a banquet and instead of even lostto you walk over. So what was it? Was that the second step? Third Step? The first step, the sixth step? Was it set? And seventh step was a twelve step? Was it the eleventh step? Whatstep was that? I bless you. Thank you very much.

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