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AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 1 month ago

Russell S. Talk 2 at the Solutions Group 10/13/2021 - "Are You Ready?"

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Russell S. Talk 2 at the Solutions Group, West Dixie Club, Miami, FL 10/13/2021 - "Are You Ready?"

Alcoholic I have found this. I have drink sinceJanuary, twenty F, one thousand nine hundred and eighty one and a privilegeand a pleasure to be here with you all and I'm sort of going to map out foryou where I'm going on this thing- and I know many of you- or some of you haveheard me before and been through a step series with me before some of yourbrand new and havener you're coming back- and I just want to welcome youall here and I'm here to comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable.So I don't mean to hurt people's feelings, are getting them havingpersonas or going out the door and who the fuck is that guy you know andit just it just tends to happen in every mead, like fault, you know soI'll probably say some things. That'll bother you. I know there's some NewPeople here I may say some things that disturb you don't worry about. This isjust my own personal story. You know, doesn't Sara stories disposed in ageneral way where used like what happened? What we like and now Ifound it so much easier rather than to me, worried about what I'm going to sayat ANAA meeting. It's so much easier. Just tell the truth, you know what Imean I mean you can sit around said what I'm going to say. How am I goingto say it? Will they like me? They don't like me what, if you acquiredthat promise in the book where they say the lose fear of people in economic and security. Whatwas to happen to you? What if one day you woke up and you no longer worriedabout what other pot people thought about? I mean I know your alcoholics,so you're constantly telling yourself and other people that you don't give ashit. What other people think about you, but what? If that's not true, but ifthat's just Orisinn I you know they say alcoholics for selfish self centeredwere driven by hundreds for self delusion self. Seeking you know, maybemaybe that's one of the delusions that we ye delude ourselves and think wereally don't. We tell ourselves so many times you don't give a pop at otherpeople. Think about us. We miss the fact that we're in bondage to theapproval of the people. What if it's true commenter said in N, T s thatapolon women are a destroy themselves. What, if it's true that, no matter whatalcohol say about themselves deep down inside they go in worthy and like thepiece of the Shit? What if they true that? What if it's true that, whenyou're in the shower driving in your car, a man how long your silver, whenyou start saying things when you start hearing things in your mind, like I'mGoin, to ask hole, I had to kill myself on a piece of shit on their bi. What,if that's, actually your true reputation with yourself about yourself?What a that's? What you really feel like about yourself? What, if all thatspending money you don't have the buy shit? You don't need to Cespo you don'tlike all the crap. You say all the stuff you do is really your way oftrying to hide the fact that you're so scared and you think other peoplerealize what a pointing piece of Shuder and, if that's true, if that's part ofalcoholism, stuntin alcoholic on sepsis alcohols and all its consequences, thesobriety pecaries them to happiness to one, no, not at all. If that is reallywhat alcohol is him about, if it's not about to drink and if it's not aboutthe drug in, if that really is just as some disease and the realists he says,is your mind, not your body and has to do with just some of the things I'mtalking about. Won't they. How do you get rid of thosestuff? Does that happen as soon as you stopdrinking, or maybe it gets worse? Half you stop drink, maybe if drinking,maybe I drank, because no woman no amount of money, no car, no, nothingever worked, but as well on that shit as booms that I could drink alcohol inwithin five seconds. I really didn't give a shit what other people thoughtof thout. I walk into a bar, and I tell those people and worrying about youknow that girl and that guy and what they're going to think and then I drink.You know. Well I give set ed by the group and I drink that Shit. I thoughtI owned The fucking book. What if it was true that I wanted to go out withthat GAL or ask her to dance, but I was scared to ask him to dance and I drinkthat shit. I'd say you want to dance you'd say no. Thank you said you'refucking problem baby. You know, you know what. If it turned me intosomething that was, I don't know not what. If drinking made me gone alcohol and what, if one day the drinkinstopped working and then I turned to you know I start,and so I stopped the drinking and then all of a sudden I turned to theLEMONIAN, were I turn to the spending money where I turned to all the otherthings we turn to somehow, maybe I turned to same bad shit about otherpeople behind their back, because somehow some way, if you're, analcoholic like me, if I talked to sheldon about somebody in the room- andI say Dad Shit about them- and he agrees to me and says yeah- that GuyReally is an ass hole. Somehow in some strange way, it makes me feel better. What, if the reason, I think bad thingsabout other people and talk bad things about other people hind their back andgossip at them is because then I don't have to talk about myself and I somehowfeel the superior. What of my problems are so much deeper than the Drinkinthing? What, if my sickness? What if I reallydo, have rad emotional metal for s? I don't even understand what of my firstten years in alcohol and outs is just getting a glimpse of how fucking sick.I am you know what I mean. What, if that I tute then after go when is thisgoing to go away? What if it doesn't go his way as fast as well the alcoholthing we, I became entirely ready to get rid of alcohol after fifteen yearsof drinking it. What if it takes twenty five years to get rid of all the othershit, I just have to suffer through it...

...and figure out what it's going to be,what a tact you know what I mean so I'm in my forty first year ofsobriety. By the way, I give you permission if you're in your, if youhave one year sobriety, you are allowed to stay, I'm in my second year. Youknow what I mean. So it's a what you remember when you were seven years oldand say how old you I say: I'm seven and a half. You know you tetsi think in.I think it's a truthful statement. I'm in my forty first year I started doingthese step series and I was about five six or seven years sober, and I thinkI've been doing in this group almost every year last year was a watch whoknows what happened last year, but I've been doing steps in this room invarious rooms, like the felt some house and bolt and stuff like that for somelike twenty years now, you know and and my story is changed- and a lot ofthings have changed about me, because what I found is that everything youlearn in here. Whatever you learn, however, you develop, you saw to seethrough the rear view, mirror coming up on it. You have no idea what the hell'sgoing on. You know what I mean, but they be ten years down the road. Youlook back and you start to get something. You connect te dots, you're,bread enough, you've suffered enough you've gone through the trials and fromyou've got through the race end of the four kids, the eleven grand kids.Whatever hell it is, you know you've got through all the Financial Tobaccos,the backup, so you got do the two rounds of cancer. You've gone throughthe disappointments of people you got through the whole were the whole messjust a little which of you guys are experiencing now, but you get go oversober. You know you go through the fear, sober and somehow, at the other end ofthis, if you hang on at the compayre t, keep focusing on God like they want youdoing the big book, even though a lot of people say, don't worry about theguy, don't you believe them? You don't have to worry about it. Don't youbelieve it? That's the I you know that's what this thing is all about.What if you hang in there and somehow down the road all of a sudden, thiswhole thing clears up, maybe not the whole thing, but a lot of the thingclere's up for you, so that you may be at thirty years. Forty years, ten yearsan years, you sort of understand a lot of stuff that was really magical to youand didn't make any sense for the first in me. But if that's a De, what if you come adot box anonymous and your spot says, hang in there and in there. So how do Ihang in there's this like a? This is what the fuck is open and there what? If you had to meet likeout of the meeting you people are talking, you're listening to them,you're, not saying a word and the reason I'm saying word is becauseyou're humble and you're stupid. That's what you and you don't you don't haveanything to say because you do have anything important to say and you knowwhat I mean and then just sponsor ones up to you, and he says you know yourself. I said what I haven't even done. AnythingTis yourself is, he says I know she never share a day means, and you say you never share. OtherPeople Shady now shares, and you say I don't really have anything to say andsays isself. He says these people on to an and they and they talk about intimate things I have to dowith their lives because it will help to them and maybe they think it willhelp other people and you sit there like some sort of water and you justdrink up everything. They say, and you say nothing: You're you're, a taker,you C N, you take everything, you give nothing whoa wow, so I started talking. I haven't stoppedsince you know he says. Well, so you got to get out of yourself an get outof yourself get out of yourself. I said: Well, how do you do that? He says whenyou got to talk about the stuff. Is it what the fuck is going on with thisgood? This is crazy shit. You know what I mean that does this thing work, Idon't know you got to get out of yourself. You got to talk aboutyourself. You know one of the things I was taught one timea lot of the things appreciate, because the true that the only way to get agood a meeting is be sincere, honest, sincere. What you learn, how tofact that you got it made so, but the good thing about ten, but it'shard to be honest when you live your whole life trying to make Lelean onstand, because if you don't even realize you're doing it, it's like anautomatic, but what you find is, if you, if you can give it up to God and beless concerned about what people in an about and about to walk with that in mysense of my walk with a lot and you realize that my job is to be a maximumservice. What it says in the book book gives you the key, even though youdon't believe it. It says it says if you want remarkable things happen toyou once you make a sincere decision for God. Also, it's MEMRA LE thingshappen. I'm going to people want remarkable things happen, miraclethings mere activist. You know what I mean. If you want. You know. Listen inhere, you don't on TV, you'll see these commercials, you know and I'm as youcan see, I'm a little overweight, the little overweight you know Morbid LeoBeach. Okay, what that, but you know what you can as you. Actually, you knowyou watch these commercials and they have these testimonials. They see someguy who's, five hundred and six pounds next side. Three months later he's likehe's like a he's like a stick, you know what it is: Iol Man I want that showyou know what I mean you know lose two...

...hundred pounds like over a fucking. NotI you know, that's why I kind of Diet. I just don't like the idea where ittakes like a year going to the gym or anything like that, and but you know in this deal in this deal,it's like a little bit of a different story. You can have remarkable thingshappening to you on the inside pretty quickly, and sometimes it takes a longtime, but you got some remarkable stuff happen to, but you got to make some bigsack. You got to sacrifice some old ideasthat it's hard for you get rid of, but they're almost emotionally they're,mostly emotionally in grand you automatically go to them without Eva.Think, like somebody says you want you char. The meeting you got through messsay: I'm not ready, because you know you're not ready tochair an e and you don't even know that that's alcohol code, for I'm scared.It's not that you can't share the mean it's just that you're scared to chillthe but you're not going to say. I'm scared that you are the meeting for tworeasons. First of all, you don't even know you're scared to trip you justthought: You're, not ready and number two. Even if you knew you were scaredto change care of the meeting. You're scared to telling you body, you'rescared. You see, that's how fucking scared! You are you're scared to it,make your scare and so what? If you have a disease like that that you cannot only see the disease, but even if you saw the disease just can't to thinkthat it's possibly the disease. You know you got like things within thingsand going on inside of you that you learn and how do we learn as the bookssay, we learned we get a new perspective. How repeated humiliationscan find a question of ourself isis? So maybe this thing you call the first t.What do you call it? The got: a hit bottom Naie, Potami Nais, a series ofpot name, his whole bunch of Fu, maybe there's a bottom with alcohol.Maybe there's a bottom with sex, maybe there's a bottom of bust. They justbottom to wash it, and so what happens? I'm not going totalk about the drinking or anything I might have mentioned that last week.You know I mean I'm going to talk about alcohols and I'm going to talk aboutthe solution. I'm go talk about the victory and I'll. Tell you somethingelse, Simono doing here. So you understand. What's going on, you knowwhat I graduated with I'm a honest, P and mathematics. I offer my PhD andI'll do rate to pology and I finally went to law school and I'm not sayingyou know, I'm not I'm a I'm an academic o. You know what I mean and although myfirst sponsor I was so I spots by Jesus or we Albert Einstein, but for somereason I came day. Thirty one years old at two neurons work and they weregobion each other and they expected were the used part salesmen fromChicago didn't even red with the sixth grade, and it was a cosmic mistake andhe used to look at me and say thing Russell. You know as much about life asdog knows about his father and I sit there because I was a prosecutor formany years. I spent people in jail for a hundred years towards us. I'd sitthere and he said you. This is an actual thing that can hear you a frozen for me too me too, a right. Okay. Lest you know, I got about five zoominga day. I got a L, I go to two in the morning. I go to a quiet time in themorning where they're, always all it's just INS and prayers, and I go to seveno'clock men. I go to a man's Mein, a twelve o'clock noon and I go to a fouro'clock met in the afternoon, and I able to do that with her in my l officeor whatever, and I go to meeting at night and die. Go to these meetingstill you know, so I do a lot of stuff and you know I'm. Seventy two beenmarried forty years and my life's Tor it's over. You know what I mean not thin much for me to do. You know, but you know, over the period of theyear and a half I've gone gone. I've got a group, a group of many manyfriends all over the world and one of the great things about zoo and I'm justsort of talking a little bit about this. So young sin, hat's going on is, isthat I'm not confined to the ten miles around my house but the fit. As aroundmyself. We got people from London for Island, South Africa from all over theplace, Australia. That would become very, very good friends and I love them.I care about them a lot, so I carry them over to meetings. You know and-and I want to be with you and I'm with them, so I get concerned about them.That's one of the things that happens you when you, when you get a tenderhard, that's what happens at you. You you become concerned about otherpeople were concern, Tasan that that's a signthat you're actually getting better and stand. What I'm saying so you know Iwant everybody to hear whatever they need to hear that. So, in any event, Isaw you come in her. I didn't want. You know you coming here with all sorts ofold ideas and all sorts of stuff. They say halfmike is a value, nothing, butI'm a half measures, kind of guy. I...

...think half Paturot, O Vilia, fiftypercent. You know what I mean the book says they value nothing. I think theyvalue fifty percent. You know what I mean. What can I tell you? They seethere's no middle in the world solution, but listen, I'm not I'm not like in allenough. He S! God is everything you know where he is nothing and I'm likewell God's everything, but I'd like to have the play wood bunny to you know Imean, can I be like Jesus and you have to some of you guys? Don't even knowyou have the love. You know you know, but I mean I mean I want. I want hiswhat I want. I want all the bags, I won all the money, I want all the cars andI want to be like you, you know now, when I want to be spiritual, you knownot religious and everything like that, and apparently there's a problem there,and I don't even see the problem. I don't see why I can't have both anprobly she can. A problem is, is, is you can be? You canbe happy beyond your wildest screams and you can experience much C of Heavenand you can be rocket in the fourth dimension of exist and can you lose?You can is for people in the beckon security or you can be cool, but you can't be os a peep. You can't be both personally. I thinkthat you go to the God thing and we get locking in the fourth dimension ofdistance. We expend much of heaven in told that that really is cool. Well, I guess it all depends on whatthe definition of coal is. I guess it all depends if you want what we have oryou want what you have. I said if you want what we have andyou're willing to go to any length to get it and you're ready to take certain thenyou're, ready and some people coming here to say want we have, but then Iwill n go to any light to get it. I mean to get what most people willnever have. You got to be willing to do what mostpeople will never do, and most people will never do what ittastes to get the goal to hit the mute they just won't. That'swhy you have a six step. It separates the man from the voice. I like the wayhe said well he's Goin to do the second step, Yeno, the second step and thethird step of the fourth and the first step and the six step and the Stevenstep and a whole bunch of steps is all going to be mixed in there, because Idon't even know what I'm talking about now after you do this, since for fortyyears over and over and over again like wax on wax off, you know just sort ofyou don't do the step. Just sort of live the steps at first, it becomeslike it's so different, it's so it's so different than you use a life and dothe step that you see them. You know you, oh I can that just did a third ofI just turned it over to dine. You know I just turned I'm turning it of. Iturned it over to God, or I just turned it over, but that was a twelve step erthat was sick, stepping and somewhere along the road. If you keep on doing itover and over and over again every day, every second e do what they tell you toopera over again. They accept them and surrendering its Redman surrenderingone day you wake up and you're not turn anything over because you live in. Itturns over line. What, if you wake up in the morning,you like to turn it o the life, because you turned it over the God. Last nightI said over God in the morning. You turn over to God every second of Day, and all you do is think about God. What?If what? If Dr Bob was right when he said first things, first, a short headof saying seeking first thing: We've got in his righteousness and all thingsof the evidence. What, if you turn things over to Godand you pray to God- and you believe God is the most important thing in yourlife and you never apologized for that, like it says in the big book, becauseit says all men of fat have courage, the trust their God, they let himdemonstrate their lives, but he could be. But what, if you do that? What ifthe big book is bright? What if it is right when the big booksays this big bunch stuff is the real deal? You know you got guys that arescared, because you knew what they want to tel. You don't worry about the Godthing, because you'll run away, but the people who were going to run away fromthat stuff we're going to drink anyway, where the fuck are they running to out there. You think the answer is outthere, so they got to run away and were notgoing to stick around. But what if there are people in here that that'llsave their lives, they become in Treatin what they want to hear a messit define what, if they're right and when they say, if you seriously seriously give yourlife to God and you utterly abandon yourself to God. These are the wordsthat they use. Also, it's a remark. A defense happen. You know all powerfulof give you everything you need if you stay close to formers work. Well andwhat's his work is work as the AMAXA service in an other PEA and to love onother people and trek out er than you. So if I love other people and I careabout other people and I've been around for forty years, people lord is allowedme to be around forty years. where else would I be except a meeting transomsome one to trying O carryin it? What else would I be doing except talkabout? Should I hide this stuff from you? Should I say I can not talk about.I may not talk about the truth that I learned because I might scare the lastguy in the room out the door, and I'm not here for that. Guy Is that guy'sgoing anyway because he's not interested here's a long. We not a lotof people, don't want. We have they want what they hadd. They want, whatthey had.

They want to get away. They want to sitdown in the parking lot and smoke cigarettes, a dark bullshit about otherpeople. A lot of people want. We have butthey're not willing to go to any line to get it's just not willing to go thatfar and they're never going to get you got to want. We haven't be going to goto a play to get it then you're ready, then you're ready. So let me ask you a question: Are youready a question? I'm interested in theanswer? Are you ready? Are you was shitty ready? You thinkyou're ready. You really think you're ready! Well. Why don't we devote this becauseReddy has to do with the second staff and the third step? Doesn't it doesn't that second t have to do withopen mindedness tolerance being ready to accept allthat new ideas? Get rid of old ideas? Is that what ready is all about? Well, you know, let's see what you reready. Let's do a ready test right now, let's say you're if you're ready,because you're all yelled I'm ready right. Let's, let's talk about being right because one of the great things thathappens you know is you really do see this thing, the rear view mere when I was about two months o anybodyhere yet a rise never have money problems when I was not a year sober and I wasbroke and I had a wife and a pole, bunch of kids and I couldn't have therent and it more interest come down on me. I understand what was going onbecause I always made a lot of money and I was made good money and I wasalways broke because apparently I learned in nine years, even though I'mpretty good, methodical and nine years, my sponsor from me Russel when youspend more money than you may you go into something called dead. I didn'tknow that Shit. You know what I mean because I spent spend money emotionally.I get a feeling you know, because I'm because I'm sensitive, even though mysponsor said no you're, not sense great artisan sense, if you're just touching,I'm touching, you know somehow some way I get a feeling. You know what I feel acertain way about myself or less than or something I don't know what it comesto. I never worry about the committing no people say to a dating. I neverworry about the committee in my head. You know why. They're there all fiftysand of the they're all talking shit. I never worry about the committee becauseI'm like invited to Metis, but the bottom line is a you got to worry about.Is the executive oven that ar holding meeting so secret eat down inside ofyou, and you don't hear what they're sayingand they're saying all sorts of things that ye can get your trouble and theysee t say things like you need to buy that Glauce, you need to get a new hair stuff. You need to lose fifty pounds. You need to do this, you need to get inthe house. You need to get it. I hard usually say that shit when you're brokeby the way. You know you become an, I folerin, a US butterand every day you wake up. You say if only I had to do what I only had this.I only had that, because that sense, your problem and it's so clear- youdon't need to go to Immediato, hear that it's so clear that your wifetreated you differently. Well, you've had a girlfriend or you get later gotto com power, anything material in this world. You would be okay and, of course,you don't realize that's an idea that you've been operating on ever sincebefore you came to down poks anonymous and you will be operated on that ideaby the way for the next ten or twenty years until you get to that Balks, anon set something out there is going to fit, and you never quite grasp the fact andmost people don't that if you don't deal with the realsickness, the real disk ease and the real separation from God, all thethings in the world, not one fish, it'll just make things to us and allyou'll do is you'll, be feeling sorry for yourself and struggling to getthose things and feeling like Shit. If you don't get them or once you get themrun around trying to figure out how to keep them and scared you're going tomove some and if Bel lose them suicide do with the girl or the Guy Ha or theDIS. Or to that you understand what what I'm saying? That's your deal.That's your God! That's what you really worship! I CAUTION! Don't have problemsworshipping. They worship, men, worship, women, women were men, there were someromance for stage all that stuff. They talk about in the sixth step. So areyou ready? How do you get rid of so you got to be ready. Are you? What do youmean ready to what if you want, we have. Are you willingto go to any LAD to get it? Are you ready? So let me tell you what I havefound out about that over the last forty years, so I came down causantis with everyquestion. I've done the first time...

I was ready. I was red it about him. I was ready to doanything to stop drink. I was ready to do anything to Stotin.Go to meetings, no question. I was ready to go to any. I came up to my sponsor when I was a month so over two months over broke. Ididn't want to tell anybody at the group because you know it's going to bebusiness and you know I I N, I don't know. I just didn't feel like sharingthat stuff, there's a possibly had to do with pro. I don't know you know, bute not to to give him shit what they thought about me. I didn't ink wasanything business to realize the hotshot lawyer is Bro. You know what Imean, but but I didn't feel like telling him, but it was just killing.It was just killing me. I didn't want to drink. Many suicide was a possibleidea. You know when you don't want to drink o killing yourself is somethingyou think about a lot that actually may be a plus. If you don't want to drinkor I go, but killing yourself an an option, that's maybe assigned thatyou're getting better. I don't, I don't know you're willing to die rather thandrink, but I know one thing I had to tell somebody so I went up to my spot. I tell him, I said Bob, I'm two months behind and the mortgage.I don't have any money at fifty dollar in the back and I got a wife forgetthese three kids. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I don't know where themoney's coming from and I have a real problem. Thank thin. You know ill. Tellme spots, maybe I'll spot me a thousand. You know what I mean and all becausethat's the answer to my that's the answer, but to say anything is good,but let's face it, I mean I'm not saying money is important. It's justright up there with obtend. You know what I mean. I did yeah yeah you'relaughing day. You don't know what it's like, but the bottom line is the bottomline. Is I figure I'll go I'm going in with Ellis and as Nice, but this is notbullshit. This is a real life problem. Money is a real right Bo and I'm goingup to my spot onso with the money problem, and I want to answer- and Idon't know what to do. I'm in I e a room. Belay people is before the daynot talking about a real problem. He looks amazed as I think I understandthe problem. This yes said yes, is this. I think it's about time. You startmaking coffee for the group and I'm sor, I'm not drinking. I sit thinking aboutthis thing and I'm thinking I don't think, there's a conversation that one I'm not sure. If he heard me it says,no I'm broke says yeah I heard that is. I think we need me to do is startmaking coffee for the GROT and then he said, follow me and I could not noticethat he was mon who was making off for the group. So I have to tell you itoccurred to me that this was the way they got out of making coffin. You knowwhat I mean I had like a month or two and he starts showing me how tomeasuring the coffee out, and I said he's like show me: I get into the cockything and so the next day I'm supposed to go to the meeting, but no money hadcome in so I was depressed, no cancel them. I was very depressed alcohols,don't know the depression, we get very depressed. You know what I mean becauseour feelings, our feelings overwhelm us. We will do things we think areincredibly smart, but they're all all based on feelings. The next guy, attimes, guide some to somebody tells you get in touch you, the feeling you slapthe shit out and run away and that I've been in touch with my feelings, all mylife, I'm so in touch with my feelings. If you walked into it. If I wanted todo a cancer ward with children dying of cancer, I would get feeling of suchfeeling of self pity and sadness that would give a shit there dine. Can. Iwould be thinking about me, there's nothing that can happen on the planwhere I couldn't feel be thinking about Mon, so wrappum. My feelings believe me,I don't even know you're feeling, like the Shit, I've done to people thethings I've said to people, because I feel a certain way without eventhinking about how it affect that you, you can't even about don't give you anexamples, but I'm not gonna go to. I won't get the force that will talkabout that stuff, but believe me, I know myself, I put back on him, so hesays he walks. I Waco and so the next day, tims in and I'm very depressed.There's no money has come in, I'm supposed to be, and I don't want to goto the meeting and I don't want to go to the meeting because I'm depressedI'm very depressed. You know I don't feel like gold as I'm very depressed and but I had to go cause I have to make the fucking cross. So I went to the meeting and the mean Iwas all about whatever the P. You know how mean so you go to me and youlooking for help and all is exactly what you need to hear and all that sortof shit and gets you feeling better and then you to next men. Then I don't knowwhat happened month. Lay at two months m money came in, I didn't die, I didn'texplode. Everything worked out. We months later, some guy comes up to meand says you know I'll make the copy. I said in the Coffee Nagata a point to do.You know what I mean, I'm the Guy Neinte coffee here and they call forthat group for eighteen months making coffee for that group. I don't know how.Now let me tell you what I realized now...

...and I didn't realize this, for I didn'trealize this for twenty years for twenty years I knew I e did I realizedit. The I'm sober today because when, whenI told my sponsor that one thing that was bothering- and he said to me- well,I think you can promise you need to start making off I'm sober today,because I followed them over the Coffee Pot and I made the car another guy. Mada said this guy's fullshit, I mean no other guy would have said because I've seen it happen. Ineed to sponsor my sponsor. Doesn't appreciate me. Those n't understand mehe's full of Shit is a bunch of, or, I would have said, I'm not going to makethe foe went on sponsorship. He didn't help me at all I'm sober today because I followed himover and I decoud, because I made the coffee I him at thenext night and I've been coming back ever since, because even though Ididn't understand the saying and what he said made no sense whatsoever. Nosense, in my mind whatsoever had nothing to do with my problem. I was ready, I was read. I was ready to make thecoffee. I was ready to follow a guy who was telling me something that made nosense whutsoever and do what he told me to do, because I didn't want to drink, becauseI was ready and that's the only reason it made nosense to me and one day he told me to say, and oneday I said: Well, I don't want to say to lords prayer, he said Wyn. I said because I don't want to be ahypocrite. He says you must a hypocrite before you look it in Er. You mean sayone thing we do in other things, so I yeah is a hit and any anybody as an abalcone R is already hypoey already got the gold star hamper. You know it sayshe says this is what we do an turn our will. My life o e God just do this andI started saying the word spare. I started saying this right, for you knowwhy not because I understood would have mention anything because I was ready. Iwas ready to do that. Then one day they told me an alcoholism and listen, I'mleaving out ten Housen bits when that Tay they told me an alcohol Sano. Youknow they told me when I started bitching and moaning about stuff. Theysaid you know some about things that happened to me. You know that old story.I tell it about the God bout. I, U dollar, check that Guy got he bouncedthe poverty doll check to me and all I'm doing is talking about. I have thatGuy Blah Blah Blah my sponsor came up me. He says: Well, how would you feelif it didn't bother you- and I said I understand the question says. How wouldyou feel then bother said? What do you mean? How would I feel for good bog me?I said how would you feel it that I said I don't even understand thequestion e Bance Boden, but you know my my answer is always if it happened toyou, you feel the same way and I am really like I've been people, Nay, thatbad things happen to them and they didn't feel the same. They didn't talk badly about otherpeople. They were able to hit, take the shots, and you know act like how aboutthis. A fucking grown up. You know, and he said how would youfeel the? How would I feel if for Denvon I said? Well, if it didn'tbother me, I feel fine. So there you go. So what do you do when they say? Whatdo you do when you're four months ober five months till a six months oldbefore step, and they say, let me tell you something you got to you got to you got to getrid of this, that resem exams going to kill you and lead to it right. You got to pray for the guy. What areyou doing? They tell you have to create pray for the ASS that doesn't observeany prayers. What do you do when they tell you got to ask God do what do youdo? You know what I it doesn't make any sense. It's stupid it's different thanwhat I've ever done, but I did it. You know why I did it asI was ready, as I wonder what they had and I was reGott it. What are you doing? I tell you, you can't hang out at that place, youdon't you now have that place. Shouldn't go out with that. GuyShouldn't go out with that old bat room didn't go on that trip. You shouldn'tdo this, you shouldn't buy that shouldn't. Do that? Never like that, anthey sort of give you a reason, but the other reason is that get make no sense,and you try t tell him now, you don't understand. What do you do in everytime, they're telling you shit, they make no sense whatever you explain tothem that you don't understand because they don't understand. What are you do when you don't do it?What are the where, when you, when you actually follow the direction and don'tdo it, and I would do that many times with many things, because I was ready, I was ready,that's that's! When you find it, you ready Co. Let me ask you this: What happens when you're ten years so and you doing steps all over Tom and you speaking a convention and you sponsoring fifty sixty seventy, whatever how manypeople spose and you don't have any decided and you and you're doing service allthe place, O the Integra backen Chamans, the last two yearss. You were on real,lay for eight years on Rella doing all...

...that stuff, because you're ready to dothat. You're rent do all that stuff and you read the benefits from it fromdoing all the stuff. So what happens when you, ten years older and you're, doing everything and you're not happy with his pride? They used to have an old Morbicommercial. Are you smoking more in a join less? What happens when it whenage? Doesn't it's not working, wait work for you when you first came inwhen you were exhilarated when you're on that pink cloud, but everything wasdoing different. Everything was an invent. You know what I mean. Whathappens when you're ten years over and you're doing everything and you'restill playing like anxiety, you're still worried about one you're stillworried about and all this stuff you were doing everything I once saw my sponsor. I said when Iwas a month sober. I said to my sponsor. I think I had an hour. I wasn't feelinggood. I said it's not working for me. He said what's summer, who is a it'snot working for me, so I were is yeah, I'm doing everything, it's not working.For said, Oh, he said. Oh, I think you're, maybe one of the rareones, a really is yeah you, one of the rareones, its holy shit. I've been telling a I've been telling them. I was adifferent now we honestly understands he finallyunderstands he says really one of the war on says: Yeah you're, one of thereal ones. What's that he says: Well, they talkabout it. Ever many go to it. I said what e says they talk about it,the real ones that ever mean you go to it. I haven't talked about it any means. Igo, I s o they talk about every meeting you go to. I said I have an ear, I says:Don't they say rarely have we seen a person bill O is thoroughly fall aboutthat thoroughly followed up hand. You have done everything and they hadeverything and it's not working for it is not with his always Yais. I thinkyou have to leave there, not the Fucos ever worked for me andnow my sponsor is picking me out of a a and I'm looking like. I lost my pet dogor something you know is you have to leave he but I'll. Tell me you doeverything. Will you done your four sepsis? You know, so I don't want askpeople what they're doing, because they're Gonta tell me they're doingeverything they're going to mans. I ask em what they're not do? What do you not to secret is always when you're not doing,because that's pushy not ready to do it. Rarely have we seen the person fail,who was thoroughly followed on at what was their path? You know whattheir path was. Did you know what the Big Buck at says?Did you know in the big book that says this? We that the founders of a said this weencourage no Wilson do Teba all the founders, one Guy Jim Birwa,wasn't into what he was the. As you know, by the way, I'm wonting. You knowthat, what's that step that they talked about humbly, ask and ask God to woe odefect character, I was always wanted to return at who do you ask I mean I don't who you asking? Let's say you're, not a ants. Let's sayyou just believe in some sort of flucker in the air and who ask in toremove your Defensive Tan. I don't know I want to know who I'm talking to. Idon't know about you, but I want to know who I'm talking to and I I want to have a faith I want tohave that thing. They have in the big book, which says we're convinced thathe becomes a central fact of a lot. That's the great thing that we'reconvinced it lives in a hard minds which, in day, a way in a way which isremarkable, moratus he's doing fust. We can't do for ourselves. I want to bestole, convinced of who, God is and what God is a concrete thing, because Idon't I'm got to say some, I'm one of these Athos. I have a poor. Imagining I mean I'm telling you beforeimagination I mean I can imagine a good looking Gal.I can imagine you know what ud be like to. You know be in a yacht or somethinglike that. I can't imagine the I don't do good at making up God. Iknow it says God, as you understand them. I just don't do really well withan imaginary God. I don't do well with creating, but nowis sending the beginning like bill. Wilson said he said I hate God, I hatethe idea of God. I hate the person, a relationship with God and the Guy saidwell. Well, I just try. Whatever your own imagination brings up. He says thatI can go with that's good for the first three weeksthis Mars month. First, two months first year. Maybe, but I tell yousomething: Ten Years Sober Maxina Y God didn't work from them on when you have cancer Tu to pray toone imaginary, God think when you have cancer and stuff,you know one day I needed five thousand...

...dollars a seeress going to put me injail, so I don't know they weren't in line, but I was scared, like call myfather and I was scared to had spoken them in a couple of years. I said yet.I have a problem and you I was I knew I was talking to. I was talking to my dad,but I didn't think of giving money, but I'm so scared. I was so desperate. Idid it. I called off and he said you'll have to check tomorrow morning as there an I. I such great feeling, but I knewwho to call- and I knew I was to I don't know about talking to someimaginary, but I just dream up in my mind to make myself think I'm doing a just, wouldn't work on it. You know Inever did work actually didn't work. I knew who he was now you find. It saysthere is one who has all power that one is God. May you find him now one of thethings I learned after forty years there's a big difference between theone that has all power in the God of my leg. You may find along the way that thereis a difference in the one who has all power that you have to play now and theone you fucking drain up and throw up your thinks, and you know how you find that out.When you can't stop drinking when you go back an you know, you find that outwhen you're always il miserable. So I read this big book calledalcoholics anonymous and I read Doctor Bob e, The ole timers and Dr Bob, thegood old times and says the books. We found absolutely essential, was firstRintin, thirteen come and now the book in James and that's what they said. I they say that was the their path.Rarely have a hampers bill. Who is thoroughly Falloa thoroughly is work. Imean you do what we did. You'll get, what we got and then in the big bookthey say we never a Algos. For God, we let him demonstrate in our lives and Isit around a rooms and who I hear about people that are knocking God, not. IKan religion, knocking all that stuff. Saying don't talk to me that the dogshit we don't want to hear, and they just talk about their problems, all theproblems they're having and just Alondra, and go to me for the plug ofthe job, and nobody wants to talk about God or speak about God. They don't wantto talk about the solution, and then I read this thing in the big bull and then it says we encourage churchmembership. It says most of US Bill Wilson, BobSmith, all the people that were there except one guy giving me you know theall of them, went to church and they encourage church membership, and thenthey say this little line this little line. It says now this is notobligatory. You know this is like we're just suggesting is because we, asthe fan thers, are encouraging this base. This is what we did. One guy didn't, do it his names Jim,very well, it was the atheist. That's why they put in the thing as youunderstand them, and he drives it, get it all. The other ones encouraged it andthey were members of churches and sent of God believe in God in the mouth as they soshame with people, and I found the person you'll be in the next ten yearswill depend upon the people you hang out with in the books you read and thebook sure we don't depend by the I now and so I'm ten years over, and I don't know what to do because instill have anxiety, I'm still worried about money. I'm still worried aboutthis and I'm thinking I'm looking at these promises been rocking the fortmuch on resistance. You know and I'm looking at I'm supposed to be loosefear people in becomin spirit, I'm still worried about people, tetwinsecurity and I'm doing every I'm doing everything in a a- and I told mysponsor I'm doing everything and I totally got doing everything he says.Have you ever been to Bible stuff? I I well I'm a Lory, I'm always lookinglocals. I said: Well, no, I'M JEWISH CIE! I don't! I don't do Bible. I don'to Bible study, because no wine, because I wasn't ready, I wasn't ready. Are you ready any to study? First contend? Thirteen?Are you ready to study sermon on them out? Are you ready to co studied thebook of James, which is the book? They use that as he, if they were going tocall the James Club, read the history of a A. Are you rip you're, not quiterid that that's okay, I also a fort, but then what happened was because a awas the age art, one thousand nine hundred and tirty five to sag book,where the a really have sin pistol, sterline sand, nineteen, thirty, nine-that was four years and the one thing they didn't do it. I E there is a holy.I I you don't and you're entiled your own feelings. You just got to tell youon fat, so the question is: Are you read so Ibecame ready because I said to myself. I said I can't sit around here, makingbelieve that I'm happy when I'm not happy- and I haven't been doing the stuff thatthey're talkin about the big books. I always thought it was actually credit,but it was an petit was a thing to separate the member boys. It was thething that they were doing that most...

...people were unwilling to do, and so Istarted I started going to Bible study or about sixty men. All of them werelike Ahat, twenty or thirty, and forty years older than me, they've beenstudying the same stuff and we study in here folkses lely on God, God being theSid all they do was so about God, not problems, but I go in at my third sponsor my third sponsora John Gwen had been sold er sixty years. He was a missionary and and use my sponsor forlike ten Tis years since I ye die, they passed the way we're talking the car,because a lot of guys knew God johnme and they all wherever I went. No matterwhere I went, they would say, how's John Is John. Coming is Jon game withyou. You now wanted to hang out with John. They all wanted to hang out withJohn let Steve B. I don't know how many people now ste as incredible storiesabout John went and the influence this man had on their lives and passed ParryMiller and then in he found out that all righteousness and all spiritualityis not found within the quarters of alcoholics. Anonymous and people wereputting down religious people and saying I'm eone spiritual, notreligious. When the big book says we lose all prejudice, even againstorganized religion, you give to see what is right and what happens you havepeople here talking about about the complete opposite of what the big booksays, we're supposed to do where we're they're, encouraging church membership,they're saying see where these people are right, get involved in this stuffand do this stuff, and you have people saying on sperits, not religious,because they don't want to do to God. That's the real true they don't want todo is and because they're not ready to beathe, still have a resentment againstthe Catholic church, how they were brought up or what some guy you knowdid to them, and certainly people have done bad things to people and in thatsaying that, but you know some on tap with the dealers. They're, not right, they're, not ready, and I can tell you this. I will promiseyou this. There are consequences e, not being right. Your are consequences to not beingready to give up the we ave search, not was not being ready to give up a thing.Their consequence is not going gave out the old ideas. There are consequences,not being ready to do the extra pet, your consiquinces, you limit yourspiritual development because they're not ready, because youknow something because people will make fun of them, people roll their eyes and people andthey will laugh at them. They'll say if you mentioned God gomost, send e, not box. On a s number three, when Bill Dotson said I knewthere was something more there's something that hadn't got something. Ithink the person ought to have looking up a book. These then I heard GillWilson say to my wife and Rieta. The Lord God has been so wonderful to me.Turn me in this double seas. I I keep talking about and telling other peopleall he did. He says I realized bill, gave all credit to God, and all hewanted to do was talk about God. Doctor Bob was even worse than him becausethey didn't care about what you thought about them. They cared about Tariaparticular type message for how to do it, making out the setback of theirlives, and so you go to a meetings, a half.Ninety nine percent of the people, a means as going to talk about God, hasten more worried about some guys in next on, isn't paying the visa bill,but don't think about that him? You know what I mean then worried about inrocking in the ports mention system, and you got a lot of means. They talkabout the Sandman, so they talked about problems and he may they have a burningdesire. You know they talk about to shit. Nobody talks about the real, becausethey're scared is a worried about what other people think and the people that gory about talkingabout worry about. Talking about cause wasthere was deep down side with the real truth is. is they rather be cool thatpeople accept them and spin their back on them, because part of alcoholism isto be if you're, an alcoholic or please love me a Holla. Please don't reject meHalla. I will be anything you want me to be, but be my friend to holic. Don'tlook at me funny a Holland, you know I will do anything. I will. I will formyself out O your value. Just so you'll tell meyou like what a shitty way real life, what a wayof Bondale your life. I enjoy a box on a. What is that Shit? I did that Shitfor the thirty one years, O gaming and for at least ten or fifteen years orafter I want to row. I want the real I became ready to dowith these guys are doing like I was ready to make the coffee. I didn't knowhow it was work I didn't understand, but I knew they did it and they saidthey did it and they encouraged it, and I didn't look for the one loophole thatBurwell look for say. Well, I don't want to do that Shit. I wanted to dowhat they did to see what happened and the big book turned from Black andlight.

I met men that were unbelied that Iwould have never met because I spent my life in an a a coffin and a is not acough and it's a launching pan. It's a spiritual cane in Der Garden, and I want to go to come. I wanted to go so. Are you ready if you are ready,when you ready for it and as you go along in a hey, you're,going to be telling you yourself what I'm doing everything and it's notworking on going and you can have to ask of what am I not doing? Who should I be following? We shouldhave been looking, so you know what happens it's a funnything. They got a lot of people that are ten years and twenty years of thirdyear sober and they think they've done the third second step. They haven'tdone the second step at all. They still close mine, the close mine, the knives and theimportant stuff. The closed. My I did the stuff thatsays God will she had to break the Altinat? You know it says it says, but we wantto know you. He says we don't know, younever be sure, but you must remember that that depends upon God and you mustalways rely God, and you got people say this. Isn't a God thing. This is justto another wisdom. You do the steps tit house come on ifyou don't get. What the sketcher designed to do is get you to the PO.The point where you understand that goddess e, the O, you can do all the mechanics anduse the tools and Gospel. You know something it may keep you sober forforty on fifty L, you may drink after thirty F or youmay be sober, but just miserable, hey, you'll, never it'll be like going to abanquet and instead of eaven lost your welcome. So what was it was that the second step,the star, the first step, six, that was at seven seven step, was at twelveseven. Was it the eleven staff? What step was that I bless you. Thank you very much. I.

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