AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 7 months ago

Russell S. Talk 8 at the Solutions Group 11/24/2021

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. Talk 8 at the Solutions Group, West Dixie Club, Miami, FL 11/24/2021

Okay, hi, my name's rustall. I'm an alcoholic. I remember the South Tisa Group. I haven't found necessarily a grin since January twenty five, one thousand nine hundred and eighty. One thousand nine hundred and eighty one. I'm old. Came in when I was thirty one and I'm not seventy two. It's over for me. Staudio's Muchacho at this point. You know, this could be a WHO knows, but any man. So it's great to be here and I'm gonna I asked Christen, the lovely Christen me sitting right there. I said, you know, so I don't plan this. I don't plan any of my toobs, which will be quite apparent to you as I start, as I go through this thing. But so I asked Christian, what do you want to talk about it? She said, well, you know, you're supposed to be on the night step and I said it's like a said you're keeping track, it's like an order. I feel a lot of pressure. You know what I mean. I don't want to. So here's yeah, this is like going to be like an a, a scavenger hunt. How many people like scavenger listen, I'm in like forty one year recovered. I've been doing this crap for over forty years. Can you imagine that? The inventories, the confessions, the one of those things a man's well, all that, you know, turn it over, praying, meditating, all that stuff they tell you supposed to do, and for forty years. Almost all it's going to be forty one in genuine good one years. So I promise you, whatever I talk about, all the steps are going to be in there somewhere. You understand what I'm saying because I've like been feeding on this shit. You know what I mean. And you don't do this. It's like wax on, wax off. You don't do this for forty years and not get something, even if you're dumb as a doorknob and and you get pounded down pretty you know that. Repeated humiliations. You know the way we got a newer perspective by repeat humiliations and the final crushing of our selfsufficiency. Let me give you a clue. That an optional shit that actually happens through life. Life is tough. If you're stupid, it's even tougher, as John Wayne said. So I'm gonna that that nine step Christian is going to be in here somewhere, but my job is to just try to carry a message. I'm carrying Shit. You understand what I'm saying. So if you want to see the ninth step, you're going to. You'RE gonna have to find it for yourself. You'RE gonna have it's in it's going to be in there. It's gonna be like a scout. You need your job is to figure out what I said that has something to do with the ninth step, because there's going to be some guy there's because I didn't see the ninth step but I saw the third step. Somebody else is going to say I saw the twelve step right. So the help. It's going to be this. We steps all over the place, or maybe not, who knows? We're going to burn an hour. Nobody's going to drink. What the heck? So I came in in und December twenty five, and the guy for and have to call to what's your name, Paul? I can tell you're a sober guy, and the way I can know your sober guy is you left South Dakota and November to come to Florida. Now, if you really want to prove how sober you are, you'll stay here till June and Stan don't be going back up to South Dakota because the snow will be just the ground will be just melting by June or something like that. So it's good to see here. So in any event, I think that was a step. I don't know, we'll figure it out somewhere. So I've been thinking lately. Always dangerous for now. It always dangerous for an alcoholic. You know. I'm going to tell you a couple things up and thinking about and I am going to mention something about my step somewhere during this thing, you know. And so I was you know, in the Bible I can stay shit, but I can say in the Bible I can say stuff like that. You know what, do you know why I can talk about the Bible? You know why? Why? Why? Don't think I can talk about the Bible? Yeah, but that's not the way. Of...

...course that has some do with it. Do you know why I can talk about the Bible? Well, I do love God. I don't love the Lord, but that doesn't answer the question. I can talk about the Bible because I'm not worried about every anybody. I'm not worried about what y'all think about me. I'm not worried about general service. I'm not worried about them coming down and borrying me from a a because I mentioned Jeez, I'm not worried about that stuff. Listen, let me give you a clue. First of all, this is all my opinion. You understand that. You have to leave any of it, you know, although I think I'm absolutely right, but you can make you can determine that you know what they say in a's like a giant supermarket, and take what you like to leave alone. So here's the deal. I lived my entire life worried about what other people thought about me, even though I used to say my mind, I don't give a shit with people thought about my whole life was why did I say this? Or what are they think about me? And what did you know? That crazy shit that goes on your mind if you're a not haul it. So you got understand all my life, even ten years after coming to a you know, and doing everything like a son of a bitch, I mean in it back with chairman for two years in a row. You know, a relay answered all the calls in a flock for eight years. They can talk the whole bit, sponsoring aed that move fucking cockroaches. It doesn't matter, you know what I mean, doing all that stuff. A ten years. Sobriety. I'm saying one am I gonna not when? When is this shit going to go away? The Brain Shit, you know I'm that's about the drinking shit, the brain stuff. When am I going to stop? I think I told you this last time, but it's with repeating. I used to I could look at people with authority, a new guy who was thirty days who's sitting there going crazy. New Guy Shit, you know what I mean. New Guy Shit in his brain, and I could look at that guy and I could say, listen, I know you, I know this is just tearing it up and you're scared and all that stuff, but I promise you. I promise you if you don't drink and you go to means, everything's going to get better for you. It's going to be wonderful. And you'd say really, I said absolutely. You don't drink and you go to meetings, as overwhelming is this thing, all this shit's going to go away and it's going to be magnificent for you. And I can say that with authority because I know it's true. I don't know how it's true and I don't know when it's going to happen, but I absolutely know it's true, because it is true, because I've been there and it happened and I can say with the thority that Gui I'm that guy'll look at me and he'll say thanks a lot. Of really appreciate it because I've done it a thousand times because I'm not bullshitting him, I'm being authentic and I'll get in the carnal drive three bucks. I said, when the fuck is he going to be okay for you, Russell, your lap job. You know I mean. This disease is disase that centers in your mind. It's not the drinking. The drinking bullshit. Stop Bullshit when you're going through it. I understand, but I've got two thousands of thousand of eight meets. I speak all over the country. I can taste. I'm nobody's drinking. I don't. I'm not dealing with alcoholics and a drink and I used to deal with them a lot, but I'm not doing I'm not dealing with alcoholics who are thinking. You know, and I know what it's like to have ten years or fifteen years and being absolutely insane with this disease, except nobody knows it, except for you, because you know I'm talking a meets. But you got all that crap going on in your mind. You know, the fear, the guilt, the loneliness, the separation, the hate, the anger. You know, I know what it's like to have have a mind, you know, a mind filled with people. I know it's like to have a mind, juggling people in your mind, going from thought to thought, the thought to thought, the thought, sometimes go to three different thoughts of five different directions, and having that shit going on. And they're always bad thoughts about yourself and other people. It's always about their assholes or their jerks. Right, right, or why did I say that? I wonder what they're thinking of what's going on. I must well fuck kill myself because I'm an asshole. You know, it's all bullshit, craziness, and that's like five years. You know what I mean, and you can, Hey, you can turn on the TV watch a good show, you know,...

...for about an hour you're not thinking crazy shit. You know, maybe find the GAL. You know have sacks of romance and stuff like that. You know, for thirty minutes an hour you're not thinking crazy. Well, no, guys, the GAL will get you. You will be thinking crazy shit. I don't even know how to explain that to you, but it'll be lovey dovey for about a half an hour and then you'll want to kill her until yourself. You know what I mean? I don't know, because we don't do well with emotions and passion, alcoholics, when you're fucking crazy and you got eighteen thou things and you're an asshole and worried what they think about where, what she thinks about you, and you know just to love you because you know what a piece of shit you are. She looked at that guy. Listen, I promise you, the sex will be good for a little while and then you'll have to kill yourself. That it's that's the way it works. Without these we're not really yeah, you're laughing. You don't know what it's like, but I'm telling you way do not do well on the planet earth. You understand, we just don't do well our alcohol how our Alcoholic Life Seems Norton. Now, listen, before you come in here, you got all that create you know this great line in the Bible Starts Onld of the Bible. Is a great line in the Bible. What happens when you're doing this for a long time? There are people here at three years, five years, ten years, twenty years, and you know wherever you are in the equation on the line. You look back and you know you know a lot more now than you did when you start. You got one week and you know you're doing better than you did like a week before. You got three years. So imagine forty years of this craft, you know what I mean. So I look back and I see things differently than I see things differently now in my forty first year than I did in my thirty thirty year, or am my tenis year or anything like that. And you know, one of the things we like to do because, as like they say in ECCLESIASTS, Vanny valuels, we like to think we're special. We're like alcoholics, we're spiritual, not religious, we're like somehow it cut above, you know what I mean. We're with more intelligent. I much a meeting once forty yearss ago, and the guy said it's a proven fact, a wellknown fact, and alcoholics are smarter than the average. You mean game that alcoholics are smarter than the average human being? Stuff like that used to disturbing. That's my sponsor said. You know why you get disturbed? Because you're disturbable. That was you told me that one. I had ten years and he told me that when I attends to gears and it disturbed me until I had twenty and twenty five. Nothing disturbs me. That's why I married for forty years. Nothing, not for kids, say grandkids. Nothing bothers me. So what was a couple things about me. What was I talking about? VIBE? Okay, so, so I you know, alcoholics like to think that we're such a special and better and different than I'll tell you what makes us really special? That we need in groups together, because the what the Bible says, and I found it to be true, even though most us one is there's nothing after the drinking, after the drinking, which sort of separates us out and is actually a blessing, because it gets so bad with because they can't arrest you for drivewall fat their also, I be interesting, I think, in prison. So you know, they can't arrest with the driving while being and you love or stuff. Well, stalking maybe you know what I mean. But but I'm not even sure we do love. I think we do stalking mostly, but I you know. But, but the truth is is after the drinking and most people are here are not drinking. So now you're dealing, because that's just the symptom of disease. The real disease centers in your mind, your body, and it made it took me like fifteen years to get the what where I become entirely ready...

...to get rid of the alcohol, but to get entirely ready to get rid of the obsession with sex, porn, money. Of course everything's porn to me, everything's ports of money's born to me. And whatever porn is every the entire world, the lust of the world. And and what happens? That shit sometimes takes a lot more than ten years or fifteen years or twenty years. And that crap, the love of the things of this world and the addictions and things of this world, because the woman works, the sex works, the romance works, the cars work, the money work, the Big Guy Account Works, all that stuff works to make you feel like you're not a piece of shit. You're okay for a while and you know, listen, I graduate the partical, honest mathematics. It's going for my PhD in outs break. topology became a lory. Become a division chiefs in the states attorney's office, a law professor. Natural scienfization fell level. None of that stopped me from saying to myself when I was in texting sex them watch dv in the quiet of the none of that stopped me from saying, you're a fucking piece of shit. You want to kill yourself. As calm enter said, alcoholics, some men women who are Araut to destroy themselves. There's just something about it. said. UNLESS, until not both except as alcoholism and all its consequences, this rival beacon will be precarious and to happiness will find none at all. And one of the consequences of being alcoholics you just know geep done inside. No matter how much you're trying to prove yourself, no matter how much you suck you you you shown, no matter how much money you have, no matter what's going on that makes you props up there. You've got to make you feel like you're okay. You know you're a piece of shit and you're not worthy to live. It's hard walking around with that stuff. You know when you start saying that bad shit to yourself every other day. I mean, as I said, you can distract yourself from much really going on, but at three o'clock in the morning, when the brain starts working and you know there is no God and there is nothing, you're all alone, you can't depend on anybody and your life is shit and whatever you got. And then what's even worse, and that's if you got the shit and if you don't worry about get the stat shit or you worried about losing the shit. It's all addiction. It's all. It's all the booze addiction, the cocaine's addiction, the women are addiction, the men are addiction, the sexes Addntion, the Romance Addiction, you know, the prestigere addiction, the cars. It's all addiction to things so that you don't feel like there's such a piece of craft. It's a whole wife of it. So how do you escape that Shit? In the seventh that they talked about, it's say money. We're not going to deprecate material achievement because we told people that money, cars and sex and romance be bad. They be run out of the doors just as fast as if you told them that they need God, all of which is true. You understand what I'm saying, but you deal with alcoholics, you know so. But the bottom line is that's why they talk about that. He's but nobody's ever made a worst deal of dealing with life and relying on that crap. Young with me. And so the truth is trying to show people that don't want to believe in God and don't want to do this and loves love sex and Love Romance and love cards and love material things. Try to explain to him that they have to basically become entirely ray, to give entirely ready to give up everything, to get above everything and make God the number one thing of their life and be on a new basis. The base of trust me lying upon God, that utterly abandon yourself to God, that there is nobody on the road solution. God is everything or is nothing. It's not God in the woman or God in the man or God now. It's it's first things first, like Dr Bop and on the board sinking first. The Kingdom of God and his reighteousness, everything will be added. Unto you, you may get all the shit. If you seek him first. But the great thing is you may get all...

...the shit, but the great thing is all that shit will never be necessary for your happiness. And if you lose all of it one by one, you'll hardly even feel it because you have you have everything you need in one thing, and that's God. So see, new relationship with him is running. Great events will come to best and helpless others because we're selfish and with self centered to the core and Eble to the core, even though we don't think stuff. So self will run riot, even though we don't think so. So, above everything, must get rid the selfishness. That's the real problem. We must have or kills us. You don't even know yourself. You can't get out of jail if you don't know a general the first place, and you can't get it out of the alcoholic jail, to think, unless you realize you're crazy in the first place. And most people don't realize they're crazy because our alcoholic life seems the only normal one. We can't separate the true from the false. So before you come in here you're as miserable and as crazy, as crazy as you are after you get in here. The only difference is you have medication. It's called alcohol, and you go through life until you're thirty one years old like me, crazy nuts, always at you and always look in a lounge. Lizard, I wonder what you had. I'm only going any length to get it. Always look, always wake it up every morning saying, if only I had this, if only had that, if only she would change, if only this would happen. A million if only some of what you get, some of them but you don't get. And if all, if only, I'd have this idea. Okay, a million times a day, basically telling you something billion times day. I'm not okay. Why aren't I okay? Because our her, because of him, because it is Goth, the bad. You know, man, I'll tell you what was of booze'm going to blow up up. I probably would blow my brains out before I was eighteen years old. And and now they got to take away the Booze Bart and here and and now I'm nuts, now I'm crazy, and now I got now I'm working this thing. And then Dr Bond says, if you're an atheist, there are agnostic to say they write this thing to the agnostics, which basicalt give you the clue what the chapter stands for is this sort of thinking has to be abandoned. God really there is or he is. And what's your decision going to be? Got To make a decision. We're only a decision away. Most people don't really make a decision. The third step is in the decision. It's the sixth step of decision. The six step is the deal. That's what separates men from boys. That's what separates the crazy fucking thinkers that are sober from the real deal. It's the six step. You know. Here's here's the difference. There is a big difference between driving around in a car with God in the trunk next to the spirit tire. You go to an a meeting. Maybe you take God out of the trouble. Maybe lead moving the trunk. Maybe you say Lord's prayer. Maybe you don't say the Lord's here. Maybe you say God, maybe you just say HP because you don't want people to think actually believe in God and you sort of what you know. You other words, you got God in the trunk of your car with a spare tire just in case you got a flat. There's a big difference between God that way. That's not entirely abandon yourself to God. Then every once a while, somewhere around five or six or ten years, I move God and to the passenger seat. He's like my co pilot. I talked about a little more and I had explain this to you. He's the one who has all power. He has all power. It doesn't say there's one who has ninety percent of the power unless he's given you ten all. If you don't need as all power, you start thinking you got the power because now your sober ten years and you you you'll find out how much power you have when one day you wake up and you get the shit slept out of it and the irs comes in where you get arrest, the where something happens out of a freaking blue that you didn't even anticipate, and then you realize how much power you have. You'll try to search from the trunk, will try to find HP, and HP won't be around. You don't even know...

...who HP is because you're having really concentrated on God, you know. You just concentrated on trying to gather up as much things as possible, which what you do most of your life. So one of the things I found out is when the Bible says, and this is what it says. It says you aren't suffering from anything. That is in common to all men. Is it's true? Have you been watching the news? I've been seeing the world. They were all fucking crazy. They're all chasing half that shit. I mean, I watch by Agricme marcials. That tell me if I can't keep hard on for four hours when I'm eighty years old with some down on the beach, I might as well tell myself. You know, I'm there reach the point of time somewhere after eighteen birthday. We got something about that Shit. I think about serious shit. It grow the fuck up. You understand what I'm saying? I think you know. That's probably why when I came to at thirty one and I looked at the blond in the front row and I said, look at that blond in the front row and my spots said to me, what do you used to drink us? I said Scott. She said what kind of Scotch? Said jamb said, see that blond? I said Yeah, he says for you, that's a bottle of Scotch with legs. And I saw the chuckle and the next time I saw this green bottle forms around the bottle of Scotch. Cars are a bottle of Scott with leg everything's a bottle of Scotch with legs from me. Everything, for me, is something to prove to myself and other people that I'm okay, doesn't matter how many degrees I have. What I have a and you know Dr Bob says, if you're an atheist and agnostic, I have some sort of intellectual pride which keeps you from believing what we're telling you in this book, I feel sorry for you. You heavenly bottle father. Will that let never let you down. He's your new employer, you're the agent, he's the father, you're your children. You don't understand that it's because of intellectual pride. So I try to forgot what is intellectual pride for me and what intellectual pride means for me. And this is what screws up most at called is believing, believing that you know shit. It's about old ideas, it's about only doing the stuff that makes sense to you, only doing the stuff that makes sense. Money makes sense to me, women make sense to me, romance makes sense to me. Making costs for the group doesn't make sense. When I need money and I'm talking to my spots, when money says I think that's about time, makes sense called for the group. That makes no I see no connection between the money I really need and the world tells me I need, and making costs for the group. I see no connection between my feeling crappy and why you just go talk to that new person I see. I see no connection between believing in the material things in this world and and getting on my knees and asking God each day to day. So I see it, make it makes this way of life is come makes no sense to me. And so if I run it, if I come in here insane, I don't think I'm insane. My alcohol life seems the only moral ones. My way of thinking seems smart, you know what I mean. And the problem is, if I continue my way of thinking, I get in the same jams that I end up drinking again. Things get bad enough for me, I get scared enough, I become entirely ready. What happens is amazing thing happens. I start doing shit that I'm told to do, even though it makes no sense to me. Aw about that. You believe that doing shit you're told to do even though it makes no sense to me. And then I noticed something, maybe after the third month, of the fourth month, of Fifth Month, I noticed. The first thing I noticed is I've been doing all this stupid shit that makes no sense. Person I notice is I'm not drinking. They're drug it's like an amazing deal. The next thing I noticed is I feel better. That's pretty wild, he's.

Next thing I noticed I'm not thinking so crazy anymore. Young start saying so Allas and the whole thing is getting rid of those old ideas. which are they hang on. They hang on ten years ober they had, no matter how much you did there, hang there, there, fifteen, you're there, there. They don't just go away. You know what I mean? And what I realized now is before I came into alcoholics anonymous, I had all that shit going on in my brain, but I didn't think it was bad. Because when, when you've always thought like a banana, when you've always been insane, when it's always they don't know who they're fucking me, screwing me, I'll get that, when you're always playing to revenge, when you're always murdering people in your mind, when you're always scared and frightened, when you're alway, when you're always saying I'm should I always you don't think there's anything wrong with me. You think the there's something wrong. What's the problem? Christens, the problem? My Wife's the problem, the money's the problem, my job's the problem. You know what the problem you can't wait to tell the entire world. But the problem is, I'm going to sit down there on you know what my problem is. Let me tell what my problem is. No, no, you got to listen to me. You got to listen to me. And Yeah, let me tell you what my problem is. Yeah, I know what your problem is. You're fucking goof. That's what your problem is. You're an idiot, you know, but you know, and you avoid people, whatever you do, avoid people that don't agree with you because they're stupid. You know. People are religious, people are stupid. I'm doing stupid, stupid, stupid, you know. And so when you are and we're very well defended, you know. I know from where you are you think I'm a drinking the way. From where you are looking at me, you think I have a drinking problem, but I really have a drinking problem. I drink because I have problems. It's not my drinking perfectly. N is my problem. So pretty soon my problem is going to go away. I want to have to drink anymore. So thank you for your advice. Go Fuck Yourself. You know that's the out and so we don't think we're crazy. And if we're crazy or sick, it's couch, your fault. And so we don't even think we have a problem because our thinking is ready for this. This is real. Scared our crazy thinking seems comfortable to us. It's comfortable. So the Guy Bounces a check on me, five hundred dollars, and I'm talking about this Asshole, a bount to check me. I'm Kent, I'm talking everybody with this guy. Drive the dead and not blah, blah, Blah Blah. And my sponsor says, well, how would you feel it didn't bother you? And I said I understand the question. How would you feel it didn't bother you? I said, what are you talking about? This is how would you feel it didn't bother you? I said I what do you mean? How would I feel if it didn't, boy, but didn't bother me that you bounced the bottoms all check on me. Yeah, how would you feel with didn't bother you, I said. I swear to God on me, I really don't understand what you're saying. I've never been asked that in the bar. If I told me, they never asked. How would you what what? I really don't it's like from Venus. The guys like how listen, Russell. How would you feel if it didn't bother well, but didn't bother me? I feel fine, he's there, you go. How would you feel up the telephone didn't bother you? How would you feel bid being interrupted? Inn Bother you. How would you feel like the guy cut me off in traffic didn't bother you? How would you feel if a low bank account didn't bother you? How would you feel it not if you didn't haven't been gotten late in eight years. Didn't bother you. How would you feel if you didn't get your own weight? Didn't bother you? I mean how well, I feel okay. How To fuck you do that? I know to stop drinking. How do you do that? Shit? I'm ten years Ober. I'm going nuts, I'm going crazy. I'm not drink. I'm not drinking. I'm sponsoring everything that moves. I'm speaking of eatings. I'm basically on you know what I'm on. I'm on life support. You see, just doing the stuff you're supposed to do. You can stay so for twenty,...

...thirty years and still not be happy with your sobriety. And so I realized. And then all of a sudden, you know, if I'm lucky enough and I don't fight and I don't fight this thing, somewhere along the road, as I get pounded and pounded on mercifully by this disease and get a new perspective and learned to value of suffering, they'be even I get into other things. I really talked about the good old timers where they say the books that we found absolutely essential, we're first within thirteen sermon of the amount of the book to James. And maybe I get so pounded that I do what they say the book. I lose all PAJUDICE, even against even against the religious people have, you get to see with the right and maybe I start reading that stuff. Maybe when they say in the big book, you know, we encourage church membership, you know, I mean, maybe I start going to church because they encourage her and dremage that they said it was it was optional. But maybe in order to get where you got to get here. Maybe we're when, if you have to get to that place where most people never get to, you got to be prepared to do the shit most people won't do. Maybe you got to somehow get past being a child in a a and separate the men from the boys and get to the point where you're even willing to do the shit you don't want to do. And instead of saying I'm doing everything, why don't just tell me what you're not doing while I'm not doing this one? Don't you do that? Guy Said, I don't think you know, instead of sitting in the back room saying, if they talked about God, I would have walked that, why don't you start talking about God and speaking about God once you use his name? What are you worried about? What he's so scared of, though? I meand you, you really want to keep up this out key bullshit, you know what I mean, for the rest of your life, till you're thirty years old, as you worried about whether you really want to worry about what people think. You know the promises. Is that what it says to the book and says you'LD Be Rock in the fourth dimension of existence experience much of heaven. The great fact is this is nothing less that God has become the central path factor your life. You can have to move them out of the trunk into the passenger seat. And then you know what you got to do? You got to get out of the fucking Driv's seat and let him drive the car, not as a show, for he's because he's driving the car anyway. He's driving anyway. You don't even know what you're going to be alive an hour from now. Your life is totally in his hands. He's driving the car anyway. Just getting the passenger season and just stop turning your life over to God and just live it. Turned over life. Wake up in the morning, say thank you Lord. Say That through after they just pray without ceasing, not to say well, don't worry about setting aside a special time for meditation and prayer. Just pray all the time. Don't worry about lightning candles. Just play spiritual music. You know him, and Shit like that. Just pray all the time and whenever you're not doing anything else, just listen to spiritual stuff. And was the God. And how about this? The person you'll be in the next ten years will end upon people you hang out with, the books you read and the books you read. It will depend upon who you hang out with, the new you listen to, what do you feed yourself? So why don't just hang out people who were talking about God and believe in God? Maybe one day you wake up and you'll actually start believing in God and you'll make your whole life bout God and maybe about that time you'll stop thinking like a banana and you'll start feeling better about maybe you'll actually get these promises. But to lose fear people and that not being security. What a what a concept. What a concept. If you're doing this stuff and you start getting those feelings and everything, you just can't stand feeling guilty. You just can't. I walked around God, I walked around Oh man, I'd see somebody elswer. Oh hope he doesn't see me worrying about what happens if I running this one one of the you know, here's the problem. When you're drinking, before you get here, your alcohol lies these normals for those start patterns. See Normal. After you put down the drink, they'll kill you. And you put down drink down your three months ober and you're thinking no different. At the three months ober. Then you thought before you came to day at. You understand the thinking,...

...the craziness. They can't do that to me. They don't know who they're screwing with. Who the hell they think they are? I can't believe this is always happening to me. Why is this always happening? I'm step victim, you know, out the craziness that they can stays hangs on for ten, twenty years. You know what I mean? It hands hanging in there. It's hanging in there. It's at all. It's all way of thinking, old ideas. But now you're sober. Now there ain't no booze, or ain't no cocaine, there ain't no stuff this TV just you go up with boyfriend, girlfriends, some of this stuff like that distract you. But now, now it's now you are dealing with your mind, physically sober. Oh that's a tough deal. If you're now that we take something. Life is tough for an alcoholic. You know I mean they say what. I don't think a normal person can put up with the kind of mind that we have. I think an all person would have to load their brains out. I mean we're just too much bullshit going on, too much melodrama, you know, going on. And so I start doing these things and of course one of the things I have to do is this nice hair and it's nice, and I got to start thinking differently, doing that fourth step. Whin I did not how I acted, who I heard? How did I hurt? What's really going on? What were my faults? You know, I got to stop with the bullshit that I used to do, where I go up to people and say I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry for making me feel that way, and then you and then I sit there and I way, I said why I said I was sorry. Let's say, what the fuck's what's wrong with you? And sorry, but he'll I said I was sorry because I'm I'm not sorry. There's what I am. Your spy. Say I'm sorry, you know, which is a big deal for me, and then you're supposed to say, well, that's okay, forget about it, so I don't have to feel guilty, you know, but as soon as you don't play the game with me and you look like you're so excited, say, I look at you guys, say what the Fuck is wrong with you? Sorry, as I'm not, certainly, and I'll never say I'm wrong, because I wasn't wrong, because I wouldn't have done that. I wouldn't have killed your dog if you didn't look at me fun, you know what I mean. And so then I got to start doing shit that I don't want to do, that I'm scared to do, and I got to start making those amends like Sing, you know, I don't have people in my mind. And then I have to keep on doing this shit in the ten step. So I don't because because I'm self form and riot. So with my crazy brain, I'm perfectly capable for at least another ten of twenty years of doing shit, stupid shit and hurting people, and I got to keep on cleaning it up. Now, if you do the ten step, we're going in the ten step now, per second. If you do this the ten step enough times, we keep on doing it and doing it and do it. Then what it says in the ten step is what happens. As you you learn to refrain, you restrain yourself and doing stupid shit, from doing saying stupid shit, writing stupid shit, doing stupid shit, and it's a really this is really a bad I'm giving you advanced Ay. Now List Up. Here's the deal. If you don't do stupid shit, I it. If you don't, if you don't fuck up, you don't say it, you don't do stupid shit, you don't have to. You don't have to make any amends. This is like totally this is PhD serious. I'll think about it. It actually made sense. If you don't say or do stupid shape, you don't have to worry about what people are thinking about you because you did the stupid shit. The problem is, if you're an alcoholic, you know not only can't you stop drinking, you can't stop doing stupid shit. You know. That's the problem. I don't know what kind of fellowship will call that. Stupid Shits anonymous. This is stupid. You know what I mean. And then when you stop doing stupid Shit and you made demands for all the stuff, that's that. Here's where it is. Then you walk around and you don't have all those people on your mind. You're not like hating people, you're not like...

...hating yourself. You're not saying things, I'm going to asshole how to kill myself. You know, hey, here's what, here's a little a little something I'll tell you about our alcoholism. Whenever you get in a fight with anybody, you know, it says, we could whenever you get into a fight with anybody, and they could be wrong and you could be right. As a fact, you're Al Kyi right. They ought to be killed because they're so stupid. You know what I mean? That's out you right. So when you're really right and they're really wrong and you got to find somebody, I promise you. And and you're going over the fighting your mind. He said this and I said that by the line. Then you're dipping him a multen law. Then you're killing them and you chopping off his head and to him his babies in front of him and doing all that Shit that Al Key's do to really hurt him. What's the matter with these? Okay? And so you do all that Shit, trust name. An hour after that you're going to be telling yourself you're a piece of shit. is a connection between thinking bad shit about other people and thinking you're a piece of shit. There's a connection between thinking bad shit about other people and thinking bad shit about yourself. So, okay, big shot, you know how to stop drinking. How you going to stop thinking bad shit about other people. Yeah, well, there is one who has all power. That one is God, not HP is one of adds all power. That one is God. You better give your life to him now. To want to do that. Deal. It's a decision away. It's only a decision. These guys were serious when they put in words like utterly abandon yourself. You know, you know, you might not know us, but that's okay. You real reliance has been God. He will show you how to create. The fellow should be great. When they say, when they start talking about going to church and encourage you that, and they start talking about being you know, they start talking about we never apologized for God, we never this whole felt ninety nine percent of this fellowship is people going around apologize if the talking about God, or being scared to talk about God or mention the word God because people might not like them. And a God based program, which is why most people are not happy here, but just sort of doing. They're just on life support, a life support, you know, because if you just do the bare minimum, you know what will happen. You won't train, you may not drink for a while, ten years, twenty years, something like that. But not drinking, it's not emotional. Sobriety go Wilson said. Even he knew that when he wrote that essay of twenty two years said the real problem with alcoholics has unhealthy dependencies, with the unhealthy dependencies not only on alcohol, on women, on man, romance of money, on everything. I had a guy twenty years Kip, keeps on calm. He calls about once a month, once every two months. It's always the same thing. Blah Blah, Blah. Money. I talked to him for a while. Month later those eyes is blah blah, blah, money, Blah Blah Blah, twenty years, Blah Blah Blah. My He's got twenty years. Blah, blah, blah. Couldn't take it anymore. I could. I couldn't handle it. I can't help it. You know I don't love intolerance is our code, but my sponsors didn't go to that fucking class. You know what I mean now I said you know everything. You call me off. A month goes by and all you want to do is talk about money. Why don't you get yourself right? You know you're fifty years old. Once your focus on God and stuff, worried about the bullshit you know what. You stopped calling them, but that's okay, because the only reason he stot callm me is because he heard what I said and it pissed them off. Let me tell you something. The truth will set you free, but first little piss off. You know what I mean. So being pissed off and you're not listen. If I'm not saying if, if what I'm saying it a mean, is not pissing off twenty five percent of people, I'm not saying anything that's going to help. You know, I want people to walk out of here saying that guy's an asshole. They're the same people that come back, if they stay sober, ten years later, saying I used to you...

...know, I love now I love you because you're finally said something that makes sense to me, because I didn't understand what the problem is. You know, that's the problem. That's what the book is all about, and most people can read that book and then even see what it's saying in the book, because all those words abandon yourself. We never apologize for God. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We Never Pausi to let him demonstrate on all those words they say in the but about God. They blink them out, they say, they say, you know, in their mind a little twist those on the Mane and says, well, yeah, they don't mean that, but then mean that. Or it's got my understanding, which is basically, you know, I put them in the trunk, you know, and you do it your way and you get let me tell you something, guess what? Half Measures of alien nothing. You stood at the turning point. There is no guess what, there is no middle of the road solution. It may take a ten to twenty years to realize there's no middle of the road solution. That's why I after ten years, I start going to bobby study because somebody told me. You go to Bible study because you'll run the people in here. They'll tell you a shit like that. You know, you'll have run into other people like in here and say don't believe any that Shit, you don't do any of that shit and it's going to be your decision who you're gonna believe. Hey, it's going to be your decision, who you're going to follow your don't blame anybody else. Don't go out there and saying I tried a a, it didn't work. For me just say I try to, but I you know, and I really I decide not to do it the way. Some guy just say I may you make it this sad. You you know, it's one thing decide to stop drink. It's nothing to start really decide to do this shit. Now it's simple. Most people don't. Most people don't don't do what these guys were doing. These guys were going to Bible study. They read the Bible there, prayed in the morning. You know by a time in the morning they're we're doing as a lot of them. You just read Dr Bobby going. Old Timers they were. They wouldn't let you in to meet unless you got down on your knees and gave you a lights together. Did you know that? For five years, if you want to go nay mean, you couldn't get into a me unless you got down on your knees. You you couldn't go to a meeting unless you did the third step before you went. They wouldn't let in the meeting. How's that? So let me have some of those means. Why? It must be an interesting I guess they weren't. I guess if you had to get down on your knees and most of her low bottom drunk. So they did. If, yeah, yeah, get down your knees. Even getting the door of a meeting, I guess there wasn't too many guys. They're saying. Well, if you mentioned God, I'm going to walk out. That's pretty much qualifier. You know what I mean. When they have you and in front of a bunch of people, get down. These of you like to God, you pretty much know what you're getting into. People in a don't even know what they're getting into anymore, between the treatment centers everything that. They think again some sort of Mickey Mouse Club here. A lot of you figure out what they're gotten into after twenty years. See, that's what they do. When a they throw you in the pool. You can be an atheist agnostic. They don't care. You got a bunch of people run around that don't want to do this thing anyway. So they don't worry about that. You know, they can talk to your way. I'm talking to you, and they they let and then you're on your own and you are, trust me, on your own. You were on your maybe a drink and maybe you don't trade, maybe you die. You don't die, and somewhere around ten or fifteen years you're running to somebody in so I don't know what my problem is. He says, I don't want to hear of your sex life or your money problem anymore. Why don't you start giving yourself to God and make a decision and get straight and either do it you don't. And that's what five percent of people that come in here, that's in five percent. That's what it's all about. Read the book sometime. N The one spots what they talk about God and what we're supposed to do with God and is thettle employer. He will give us everything we need if we stay close to him and performance work. Well, I guess stay close to him? What? You don't even know who he is and you got him locked in the trunk anyway. You know, and even says in the seventh step you can say you believe in God, it doesn't mean anything. Your faith. He means barren because...

...he's not the central fact of your life. Well, how you going to do this thing? Everything you needs just stay close and performance work. Well, what's his work? What's his work? I'm sitting with a guy at a denny's and I'm five years sober and the guy sitting with me is a new God. Would just want to really said how you like the man he see. I like it, but what are you guys doing for fun? I didn't have the heart to tell him I was having a good time. It's work is to be a maximum service to other people. You're in here your use. You may not realize this. If you are in here, you signed up for the priesthood. You signed up for the mission. You you you're a missionary. Your job is not a save other people. Your job is to carry a message of sobriety to other people. Your job is to talk about God's other people. You don't want to do that, you're worthless. You're worthless. You want to tell people don't worry about the God thing. God is in a point important. You know, some of you're not talking about a there talking about some sort of form of a without power. You're talking about and the only reason you're doing that is because you don't want to believe in God and you're scared. If that's the deal, then you might have to do it. That's okay, nobody gets away with anything in here. You know this is. You know this is you know you we got like baby childish thinking that we can, we can just charge everything on the credit card and never have to pay. There there are consequences they're not doing this thing. There are consequences to not going to go life to God. There are consequences. They're not utterly a many. There are consequences. Don't it says, if you want what we have, what we got, and are willing to go to anulate to get it. If you want we have and a willing go to any land to get it. Rarely have you seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. That was written nineteen thirty nine. Watch you look at what they were doing in nineteen thirty nine. It doesn't say do whatever the fuck you want to do. So it's really I was seeing person fail who was thoroughly followed up path. Thoroughly. Look at the word thoroughly. Thoroughly, not just do the Shit you want to do, you know, and not do the Shit you don't want to do. Really, have seen prince villas thoroughly followed our path. Not Do whatever you feel you want to do because you're so smart, because you got a Ph d, or you just a smart guy. We're all smart guys here, but you know, buckle down and do shit you're told to do. That's when stuff starts happening. The only reason I'm talking about this stuff it's it's like a step series, right, so this is like more serious than a regular you know. I mean my boyfriend left me meeting. You know that kind of thing. You know that kind of bullshit. It was supposed to be real deal. This is the real deal. Is supposed to be real. Do I think the steps are in there somewhere? I do. I think they're in there somewhere. I think the steps so much. I think I think even did hard enough to think about they're all in there. I mentioned the Nice step at one point, so I've done my job. That's it for me. Thank you.

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