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AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 1 month ago

Russell S. Talk 8 at the Solutions Group 11/24/2021

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. Talk 8 at the Solutions Group, West Dixie Club, Miami, FL 11/24/2021

Okay, hi, my name's rustall. I'm an alcoholic. I remember the South Tisa Group. I haven't foundnecessarily a grin since January twenty five, one thousand nine hundred and eighty.One thousand nine hundred and eighty one. I'm old. Came in when Iwas thirty one and I'm not seventy two. It's over for me. Staudio's Muchachoat this point. You know, this could be a WHO knows,but any man. So it's great to be here and I'm gonna I askedChristen, the lovely Christen me sitting right there. I said, you know, so I don't plan this. I don't plan any of my toobs,which will be quite apparent to you as I start, as I go throughthis thing. But so I asked Christian, what do you want to talk aboutit? She said, well, you know, you're supposed to beon the night step and I said it's like a said you're keeping track,it's like an order. I feel a lot of pressure. You know whatI mean. I don't want to. So here's yeah, this is likegoing to be like an a, a scavenger hunt. How many people likescavenger listen, I'm in like forty one year recovered. I've been doing thiscrap for over forty years. Can you imagine that? The inventories, theconfessions, the one of those things a man's well, all that, youknow, turn it over, praying, meditating, all that stuff they tellyou supposed to do, and for forty years. Almost all it's going tobe forty one in genuine good one years. So I promise you, whatever Italk about, all the steps are going to be in there somewhere.You understand what I'm saying because I've like been feeding on this shit. Youknow what I mean. And you don't do this. It's like wax on, wax off. You don't do this for forty years and not get something, even if you're dumb as a doorknob and and you get pounded down prettyyou know that. Repeated humiliations. You know the way we got a newerperspective by repeat humiliations and the final crushing of our selfsufficiency. Let me giveyou a clue. That an optional shit that actually happens through life. Lifeis tough. If you're stupid, it's even tougher, as John Wayne said. So I'm gonna that that nine step Christian is going to be in heresomewhere, but my job is to just try to carry a message. I'mcarrying Shit. You understand what I'm saying. So if you want to see theninth step, you're going to. You'RE gonna have to find it foryourself. You'RE gonna have it's in it's going to be in there. It'sgonna be like a scout. You need your job is to figure out whatI said that has something to do with the ninth step, because there's goingto be some guy there's because I didn't see the ninth step but I sawthe third step. Somebody else is going to say I saw the twelve stepright. So the help. It's going to be this. We steps allover the place, or maybe not, who knows? We're going to burnan hour. Nobody's going to drink. What the heck? So I camein in und December twenty five, and the guy for and have to callto what's your name, Paul? I can tell you're a sober guy,and the way I can know your sober guy is you left South Dakota andNovember to come to Florida. Now, if you really want to prove howsober you are, you'll stay here till June and Stan don't be going backup to South Dakota because the snow will be just the ground will be justmelting by June or something like that. So it's good to see here.So in any event, I think that was a step. I don't know, we'll figure it out somewhere. So I've been thinking lately. Always dangerousfor now. It always dangerous for an alcoholic. You know. I'm goingto tell you a couple things up and thinking about and I am going tomention something about my step somewhere during this thing, you know. And soI was you know, in the Bible I can stay shit, but Ican say in the Bible I can say stuff like that. You know what, do you know why I can talk about the Bible? You know why? Why? Why? Don't think I can talk about the Bible? Yeah, but that's not the way. Of...

...course that has some do with it. Do you know why I can talk about the Bible? Well, Ido love God. I don't love the Lord, but that doesn't answer thequestion. I can talk about the Bible because I'm not worried about every anybody. I'm not worried about what y'all think about me. I'm not worried aboutgeneral service. I'm not worried about them coming down and borrying me from aa because I mentioned Jeez, I'm not worried about that stuff. Listen,let me give you a clue. First of all, this is all myopinion. You understand that. You have to leave any of it, youknow, although I think I'm absolutely right, but you can make you can determinethat you know what they say in a's like a giant supermarket, andtake what you like to leave alone. So here's the deal. I livedmy entire life worried about what other people thought about me, even though Iused to say my mind, I don't give a shit with people thought aboutmy whole life was why did I say this? Or what are they thinkabout me? And what did you know? That crazy shit that goes on yourmind if you're a not haul it. So you got understand all my life, even ten years after coming to a you know, and doing everythinglike a son of a bitch, I mean in it back with chairman fortwo years in a row. You know, a relay answered all the calls ina flock for eight years. They can talk the whole bit, sponsoringaed that move fucking cockroaches. It doesn't matter, you know what I mean, doing all that stuff. A ten years. Sobriety. I'm saying oneam I gonna not when? When is this shit going to go away?The Brain Shit, you know I'm that's about the drinking shit, the brainstuff. When am I going to stop? I think I told you this lasttime, but it's with repeating. I used to I could look atpeople with authority, a new guy who was thirty days who's sitting there goingcrazy. New Guy Shit, you know what I mean. New Guy Shitin his brain, and I could look at that guy and I could say, listen, I know you, I know this is just tearing it upand you're scared and all that stuff, but I promise you. I promiseyou if you don't drink and you go to means, everything's going to getbetter for you. It's going to be wonderful. And you'd say really,I said absolutely. You don't drink and you go to meetings, as overwhelmingis this thing, all this shit's going to go away and it's going tobe magnificent for you. And I can say that with authority because I knowit's true. I don't know how it's true and I don't know when it'sgoing to happen, but I absolutely know it's true, because it is true, because I've been there and it happened and I can say with the thoritythat Gui I'm that guy'll look at me and he'll say thanks a lot.Of really appreciate it because I've done it a thousand times because I'm not bullshittinghim, I'm being authentic and I'll get in the carnal drive three bucks.I said, when the fuck is he going to be okay for you,Russell, your lap job. You know I mean. This disease is disasethat centers in your mind. It's not the drinking. The drinking bullshit.Stop Bullshit when you're going through it. I understand, but I've got twothousands of thousand of eight meets. I speak all over the country. Ican taste. I'm nobody's drinking. I don't. I'm not dealing with alcoholicsand a drink and I used to deal with them a lot, but I'mnot doing I'm not dealing with alcoholics who are thinking. You know, andI know what it's like to have ten years or fifteen years and being absolutelyinsane with this disease, except nobody knows it, except for you, becauseyou know I'm talking a meets. But you got all that crap going onin your mind. You know, the fear, the guilt, the loneliness, the separation, the hate, the anger. You know, I knowwhat it's like to have have a mind, you know, a mind filled withpeople. I know it's like to have a mind, juggling people inyour mind, going from thought to thought, the thought to thought, the thought, sometimes go to three different thoughts of five different directions, and havingthat shit going on. And they're always bad thoughts about yourself and other people. It's always about their assholes or their jerks. Right, right, orwhy did I say that? I wonder what they're thinking of what's going on. I must well fuck kill myself because I'm an asshole. You know,it's all bullshit, craziness, and that's like five years. You know whatI mean, and you can, Hey, you can turn on the TV watcha good show, you know,...

...for about an hour you're not thinkingcrazy shit. You know, maybe find the GAL. You know have sacksof romance and stuff like that. You know, for thirty minutes an houryou're not thinking crazy. Well, no, guys, the GAL will get you. You will be thinking crazy shit. I don't even know how to explainthat to you, but it'll be lovey dovey for about a half anhour and then you'll want to kill her until yourself. You know what Imean? I don't know, because we don't do well with emotions and passion, alcoholics, when you're fucking crazy and you got eighteen thou things and you'rean asshole and worried what they think about where, what she thinks about you, and you know just to love you because you know what a piece ofshit you are. She looked at that guy. Listen, I promise you, the sex will be good for a little while and then you'll have tokill yourself. That it's that's the way it works. Without these we're notreally yeah, you're laughing. You don't know what it's like, but I'mtelling you way do not do well on the planet earth. You understand,we just don't do well our alcohol how our Alcoholic Life Seems Norton. Now, listen, before you come in here, you got all that create you knowthis great line in the Bible Starts Onld of the Bible. Is agreat line in the Bible. What happens when you're doing this for a longtime? There are people here at three years, five years, ten years, twenty years, and you know wherever you are in the equation on theline. You look back and you know you know a lot more now thanyou did when you start. You got one week and you know you're doingbetter than you did like a week before. You got three years. So imagineforty years of this craft, you know what I mean. So Ilook back and I see things differently than I see things differently now in myforty first year than I did in my thirty thirty year, or am mytenis year or anything like that. And you know, one of the thingswe like to do because, as like they say in ECCLESIASTS, Vanny valuels, we like to think we're special. We're like alcoholics, we're spiritual,not religious, we're like somehow it cut above, you know what I mean. We're with more intelligent. I much a meeting once forty yearss ago,and the guy said it's a proven fact, a wellknown fact, and alcoholics aresmarter than the average. You mean game that alcoholics are smarter than theaverage human being? Stuff like that used to disturbing. That's my sponsor said. You know why you get disturbed? Because you're disturbable. That was youtold me that one. I had ten years and he told me that whenI attends to gears and it disturbed me until I had twenty and twenty five. Nothing disturbs me. That's why I married for forty years. Nothing,not for kids, say grandkids. Nothing bothers me. So what was acouple things about me. What was I talking about? VIBE? Okay,so, so I you know, alcoholics like to think that we're such aspecial and better and different than I'll tell you what makes us really special?That we need in groups together, because the what the Bible says, andI found it to be true, even though most us one is there's nothingafter the drinking, after the drinking, which sort of separates us out andis actually a blessing, because it gets so bad with because they can't arrestyou for drivewall fat their also, I be interesting, I think, inprison. So you know, they can't arrest with the driving while being andyou love or stuff. Well, stalking maybe you know what I mean.But but I'm not even sure we do love. I think we do stalkingmostly, but I you know. But, but the truth is is after thedrinking and most people are here are not drinking. So now you're dealing, because that's just the symptom of disease. The real disease centers in your mind, your body, and it made it took me like fifteen years toget the what where I become entirely ready...

...to get rid of the alcohol,but to get entirely ready to get rid of the obsession with sex, porn, money. Of course everything's porn to me, everything's ports of money's bornto me. And whatever porn is every the entire world, the lust ofthe world. And and what happens? That shit sometimes takes a lot morethan ten years or fifteen years or twenty years. And that crap, thelove of the things of this world and the addictions and things of this world, because the woman works, the sex works, the romance works, thecars work, the money work, the Big Guy Account Works, all thatstuff works to make you feel like you're not a piece of shit. You'reokay for a while and you know, listen, I graduate the partical,honest mathematics. It's going for my PhD in outs break. topology became alory. Become a division chiefs in the states attorney's office, a law professor. Natural scienfization fell level. None of that stopped me from saying to myselfwhen I was in texting sex them watch dv in the quiet of the noneof that stopped me from saying, you're a fucking piece of shit. Youwant to kill yourself. As calm enter said, alcoholics, some men womenwho are Araut to destroy themselves. There's just something about it. said.UNLESS, until not both except as alcoholism and all its consequences, this rivalbeacon will be precarious and to happiness will find none at all. And oneof the consequences of being alcoholics you just know geep done inside. No matterhow much you're trying to prove yourself, no matter how much you suck youyou you shown, no matter how much money you have, no matter what'sgoing on that makes you props up there. You've got to make you feel likeyou're okay. You know you're a piece of shit and you're not worthyto live. It's hard walking around with that stuff. You know when youstart saying that bad shit to yourself every other day. I mean, asI said, you can distract yourself from much really going on, but atthree o'clock in the morning, when the brain starts working and you know thereis no God and there is nothing, you're all alone, you can't dependon anybody and your life is shit and whatever you got. And then what'seven worse, and that's if you got the shit and if you don't worryabout get the stat shit or you worried about losing the shit. It's alladdiction. It's all. It's all the booze addiction, the cocaine's addiction,the women are addiction, the men are addiction, the sexes Addntion, theRomance Addiction, you know, the prestigere addiction, the cars. It's alladdiction to things so that you don't feel like there's such a piece of craft. It's a whole wife of it. So how do you escape that Shit? In the seventh that they talked about, it's say money. We're not goingto deprecate material achievement because we told people that money, cars and sexand romance be bad. They be run out of the doors just as fastas if you told them that they need God, all of which is true. You understand what I'm saying, but you deal with alcoholics, you knowso. But the bottom line is that's why they talk about that. He'sbut nobody's ever made a worst deal of dealing with life and relying on thatcrap. Young with me. And so the truth is trying to show peoplethat don't want to believe in God and don't want to do this and loveslove sex and Love Romance and love cards and love material things. Try toexplain to him that they have to basically become entirely ray, to give entirelyready to give up everything, to get above everything and make God the numberone thing of their life and be on a new basis. The base oftrust me lying upon God, that utterly abandon yourself to God, that thereis nobody on the road solution. God is everything or is nothing. It'snot God in the woman or God in the man or God now. It'sit's first things first, like Dr Bop and on the board sinking first.The Kingdom of God and his reighteousness, everything will be added. Unto you, you may get all the shit. If you seek him first. Butthe great thing is you may get all...

...the shit, but the great thingis all that shit will never be necessary for your happiness. And if youlose all of it one by one, you'll hardly even feel it because youhave you have everything you need in one thing, and that's God. Sosee, new relationship with him is running. Great events will come to best andhelpless others because we're selfish and with self centered to the core and Ebleto the core, even though we don't think stuff. So self will runriot, even though we don't think so. So, above everything, must getrid the selfishness. That's the real problem. We must have or killsus. You don't even know yourself. You can't get out of jail ifyou don't know a general the first place, and you can't get it out ofthe alcoholic jail, to think, unless you realize you're crazy in thefirst place. And most people don't realize they're crazy because our alcoholic life seemsthe only normal one. We can't separate the true from the false. Sobefore you come in here you're as miserable and as crazy, as crazy asyou are after you get in here. The only difference is you have medication. It's called alcohol, and you go through life until you're thirty one yearsold like me, crazy nuts, always at you and always look in alounge. Lizard, I wonder what you had. I'm only going any lengthto get it. Always look, always wake it up every morning saying,if only I had this, if only had that, if only she wouldchange, if only this would happen. A million if only some of whatyou get, some of them but you don't get. And if all,if only, I'd have this idea. Okay, a million times a day, basically telling you something billion times day. I'm not okay. Why aren't Iokay? Because our her, because of him, because it is Goth, the bad. You know, man, I'll tell you what was of booze'mgoing to blow up up. I probably would blow my brains out beforeI was eighteen years old. And and now they got to take away theBooze Bart and here and and now I'm nuts, now I'm crazy, andnow I got now I'm working this thing. And then Dr Bond says, ifyou're an atheist, there are agnostic to say they write this thing tothe agnostics, which basicalt give you the clue what the chapter stands for isthis sort of thinking has to be abandoned. God really there is or he is. And what's your decision going to be? Got To make a decision. We're only a decision away. Most people don't really make a decision.The third step is in the decision. It's the sixth step of decision.The six step is the deal. That's what separates men from boys. That'swhat separates the crazy fucking thinkers that are sober from the real deal. It'sthe six step. You know. Here's here's the difference. There is abig difference between driving around in a car with God in the trunk next tothe spirit tire. You go to an a meeting. Maybe you take Godout of the trouble. Maybe lead moving the trunk. Maybe you say Lord'sprayer. Maybe you don't say the Lord's here. Maybe you say God,maybe you just say HP because you don't want people to think actually believe inGod and you sort of what you know. You other words, you got Godin the trunk of your car with a spare tire just in case yougot a flat. There's a big difference between God that way. That's notentirely abandon yourself to God. Then every once a while, somewhere around fiveor six or ten years, I move God and to the passenger seat.He's like my co pilot. I talked about a little more and I hadexplain this to you. He's the one who has all power. He hasall power. It doesn't say there's one who has ninety percent of the powerunless he's given you ten all. If you don't need as all power,you start thinking you got the power because now your sober ten years and youyou you'll find out how much power you have when one day you wake upand you get the shit slept out of it and the irs comes in whereyou get arrest, the where something happens out of a freaking blue that youdidn't even anticipate, and then you realize how much power you have. You'lltry to search from the trunk, will try to find HP, and HPwon't be around. You don't even know...

...who HP is because you're having reallyconcentrated on God, you know. You just concentrated on trying to gather upas much things as possible, which what you do most of your life.So one of the things I found out is when the Bible says, andthis is what it says. It says you aren't suffering from anything. Thatis in common to all men. Is it's true? Have you been watchingthe news? I've been seeing the world. They were all fucking crazy. They'reall chasing half that shit. I mean, I watch by Agricme marcials. That tell me if I can't keep hard on for four hours when I'meighty years old with some down on the beach, I might as well tellmyself. You know, I'm there reach the point of time somewhere after eighteenbirthday. We got something about that Shit. I think about serious shit. Itgrow the fuck up. You understand what I'm saying? I think youknow. That's probably why when I came to at thirty one and I lookedat the blond in the front row and I said, look at that blondin the front row and my spots said to me, what do you usedto drink us? I said Scott. She said what kind of Scotch?Said jamb said, see that blond? I said Yeah, he says foryou, that's a bottle of Scotch with legs. And I saw the chuckleand the next time I saw this green bottle forms around the bottle of Scotch. Cars are a bottle of Scott with leg everything's a bottle of Scotch withlegs from me. Everything, for me, is something to prove to myself andother people that I'm okay, doesn't matter how many degrees I have.What I have a and you know Dr Bob says, if you're an atheistand agnostic, I have some sort of intellectual pride which keeps you from believingwhat we're telling you in this book, I feel sorry for you. Youheavenly bottle father. Will that let never let you down. He's your newemployer, you're the agent, he's the father, you're your children. Youdon't understand that it's because of intellectual pride. So I try to forgot what isintellectual pride for me and what intellectual pride means for me. And thisis what screws up most at called is believing, believing that you know shit. It's about old ideas, it's about only doing the stuff that makes senseto you, only doing the stuff that makes sense. Money makes sense tome, women make sense to me, romance makes sense to me. Makingcosts for the group doesn't make sense. When I need money and I'm talkingto my spots, when money says I think that's about time, makes sensecalled for the group. That makes no I see no connection between the moneyI really need and the world tells me I need, and making costs forthe group. I see no connection between my feeling crappy and why you justgo talk to that new person I see. I see no connection between believing inthe material things in this world and and getting on my knees and askingGod each day to day. So I see it, make it makes thisway of life is come makes no sense to me. And so if Irun it, if I come in here insane, I don't think I'm insane. My alcohol life seems the only moral ones. My way of thinking seemssmart, you know what I mean. And the problem is, if Icontinue my way of thinking, I get in the same jams that I endup drinking again. Things get bad enough for me, I get scared enough, I become entirely ready. What happens is amazing thing happens. I startdoing shit that I'm told to do, even though it makes no sense tome. Aw about that. You believe that doing shit you're told to doeven though it makes no sense to me. And then I noticed something, maybeafter the third month, of the fourth month, of Fifth Month,I noticed. The first thing I noticed is I've been doing all this stupidshit that makes no sense. Person I notice is I'm not drinking. They'redrug it's like an amazing deal. The next thing I noticed is I feelbetter. That's pretty wild, he's.

Next thing I noticed I'm not thinkingso crazy anymore. Young start saying so Allas and the whole thing is gettingrid of those old ideas. which are they hang on. They hang onten years ober they had, no matter how much you did there, hangthere, there, fifteen, you're there, there. They don't just go away. You know what I mean? And what I realized now is beforeI came into alcoholics anonymous, I had all that shit going on in mybrain, but I didn't think it was bad. Because when, when you'vealways thought like a banana, when you've always been insane, when it's alwaysthey don't know who they're fucking me, screwing me, I'll get that,when you're always playing to revenge, when you're always murdering people in your mind, when you're always scared and frightened, when you're alway, when you're alwayssaying I'm should I always you don't think there's anything wrong with me. Youthink the there's something wrong. What's the problem? Christens, the problem?My Wife's the problem, the money's the problem, my job's the problem.You know what the problem you can't wait to tell the entire world. Butthe problem is, I'm going to sit down there on you know what myproblem is. Let me tell what my problem is. No, no,you got to listen to me. You got to listen to me. AndYeah, let me tell you what my problem is. Yeah, I knowwhat your problem is. You're fucking goof. That's what your problem is. You'rean idiot, you know, but you know, and you avoid people, whatever you do, avoid people that don't agree with you because they're stupid. You know. People are religious, people are stupid. I'm doing stupid, stupid, stupid, you know. And so when you are and we'revery well defended, you know. I know from where you are you thinkI'm a drinking the way. From where you are looking at me, youthink I have a drinking problem, but I really have a drinking problem.I drink because I have problems. It's not my drinking perfectly. N ismy problem. So pretty soon my problem is going to go away. Iwant to have to drink anymore. So thank you for your advice. GoFuck Yourself. You know that's the out and so we don't think we're crazy. And if we're crazy or sick, it's couch, your fault. Andso we don't even think we have a problem because our thinking is ready forthis. This is real. Scared our crazy thinking seems comfortable to us.It's comfortable. So the Guy Bounces a check on me, five hundred dollars, and I'm talking about this Asshole, a bount to check me. I'mKent, I'm talking everybody with this guy. Drive the dead and not blah,blah, Blah Blah. And my sponsor says, well, how wouldyou feel it didn't bother you? And I said I understand the question.How would you feel it didn't bother you? I said, what are you talkingabout? This is how would you feel it didn't bother you? Isaid I what do you mean? How would I feel if it didn't,boy, but didn't bother me that you bounced the bottoms all check on me. Yeah, how would you feel with didn't bother you, I said.I swear to God on me, I really don't understand what you're saying.I've never been asked that in the bar. If I told me, they neverasked. How would you what what? I really don't it's like from Venus. The guys like how listen, Russell. How would you feel ifit didn't bother well, but didn't bother me? I feel fine, he'sthere, you go. How would you feel up the telephone didn't bother you? How would you feel bid being interrupted? Inn Bother you. How would youfeel like the guy cut me off in traffic didn't bother you? Howwould you feel if a low bank account didn't bother you? How would youfeel it not if you didn't haven't been gotten late in eight years. Didn'tbother you. How would you feel if you didn't get your own weight?Didn't bother you? I mean how well, I feel okay. How To fuckyou do that? I know to stop drinking. How do you dothat? Shit? I'm ten years Ober. I'm going nuts, I'm going crazy. I'm not drink. I'm not drinking. I'm sponsoring everything that moves. I'm speaking of eatings. I'm basically on you know what I'm on.I'm on life support. You see, just doing the stuff you're supposed todo. You can stay so for twenty,...

...thirty years and still not be happywith your sobriety. And so I realized. And then all of asudden, you know, if I'm lucky enough and I don't fight and Idon't fight this thing, somewhere along the road, as I get pounded andpounded on mercifully by this disease and get a new perspective and learned to valueof suffering, they'be even I get into other things. I really talked aboutthe good old timers where they say the books that we found absolutely essential,we're first within thirteen sermon of the amount of the book to James. Andmaybe I get so pounded that I do what they say the book. Ilose all PAJUDICE, even against even against the religious people have, you getto see with the right and maybe I start reading that stuff. Maybe whenthey say in the big book, you know, we encourage church membership,you know, I mean, maybe I start going to church because they encourageher and dremage that they said it was it was optional. But maybe inorder to get where you got to get here. Maybe we're when, ifyou have to get to that place where most people never get to, yougot to be prepared to do the shit most people won't do. Maybe yougot to somehow get past being a child in a a and separate the menfrom the boys and get to the point where you're even willing to do theshit you don't want to do. And instead of saying I'm doing everything,why don't just tell me what you're not doing while I'm not doing this one? Don't you do that? Guy Said, I don't think you know, insteadof sitting in the back room saying, if they talked about God, Iwould have walked that, why don't you start talking about God and speakingabout God once you use his name? What are you worried about? Whathe's so scared of, though? I meand you, you really want tokeep up this out key bullshit, you know what I mean, for therest of your life, till you're thirty years old, as you worried aboutwhether you really want to worry about what people think. You know the promises. Is that what it says to the book and says you'LD Be Rock inthe fourth dimension of existence experience much of heaven. The great fact is thisis nothing less that God has become the central path factor your life. Youcan have to move them out of the trunk into the passenger seat. Andthen you know what you got to do? You got to get out of thefucking Driv's seat and let him drive the car, not as a show, for he's because he's driving the car anyway. He's driving anyway. Youdon't even know what you're going to be alive an hour from now. Yourlife is totally in his hands. He's driving the car anyway. Just gettingthe passenger season and just stop turning your life over to God and just liveit. Turned over life. Wake up in the morning, say thank youLord. Say That through after they just pray without ceasing, not to saywell, don't worry about setting aside a special time for meditation and prayer.Just pray all the time. Don't worry about lightning candles. Just play spiritualmusic. You know him, and Shit like that. Just pray all thetime and whenever you're not doing anything else, just listen to spiritual stuff. Andwas the God. And how about this? The person you'll be inthe next ten years will end upon people you hang out with, the booksyou read and the books you read. It will depend upon who you hangout with, the new you listen to, what do you feed yourself? Sowhy don't just hang out people who were talking about God and believe inGod? Maybe one day you wake up and you'll actually start believing in Godand you'll make your whole life bout God and maybe about that time you'll stopthinking like a banana and you'll start feeling better about maybe you'll actually get thesepromises. But to lose fear people and that not being security. What awhat a concept. What a concept. If you're doing this stuff and youstart getting those feelings and everything, you just can't stand feeling guilty. Youjust can't. I walked around God, I walked around Oh man, I'dsee somebody elswer. Oh hope he doesn't see me worrying about what happens ifI running this one one of the you know, here's the problem. Whenyou're drinking, before you get here, your alcohol lies these normals for thosestart patterns. See Normal. After you put down the drink, they'll killyou. And you put down drink down your three months ober and you're thinkingno different. At the three months ober. Then you thought before you came today at. You understand the thinking,...

...the craziness. They can't do thatto me. They don't know who they're screwing with. Who the hellthey think they are? I can't believe this is always happening to me.Why is this always happening? I'm step victim, you know, out thecraziness that they can stays hangs on for ten, twenty years. You knowwhat I mean? It hands hanging in there. It's hanging in there.It's at all. It's all way of thinking, old ideas. But nowyou're sober. Now there ain't no booze, or ain't no cocaine, there ain'tno stuff this TV just you go up with boyfriend, girlfriends, someof this stuff like that distract you. But now, now it's now youare dealing with your mind, physically sober. Oh that's a tough deal. Ifyou're now that we take something. Life is tough for an alcoholic.You know I mean they say what. I don't think a normal person canput up with the kind of mind that we have. I think an allperson would have to load their brains out. I mean we're just too much bullshitgoing on, too much melodrama, you know, going on. Andso I start doing these things and of course one of the things I haveto do is this nice hair and it's nice, and I got to startthinking differently, doing that fourth step. Whin I did not how I acted, who I heard? How did I hurt? What's really going on?What were my faults? You know, I got to stop with the bullshitthat I used to do, where I go up to people and say I'msorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry for making me feel thatway, and then you and then I sit there and I way, Isaid why I said I was sorry. Let's say, what the fuck's what'swrong with you? And sorry, but he'll I said I was sorry becauseI'm I'm not sorry. There's what I am. Your spy. Say I'msorry, you know, which is a big deal for me, and thenyou're supposed to say, well, that's okay, forget about it, soI don't have to feel guilty, you know, but as soon as youdon't play the game with me and you look like you're so excited, say, I look at you guys, say what the Fuck is wrong with you? Sorry, as I'm not, certainly, and I'll never say I'm wrong,because I wasn't wrong, because I wouldn't have done that. I wouldn'thave killed your dog if you didn't look at me fun, you know whatI mean. And so then I got to start doing shit that I don'twant to do, that I'm scared to do, and I got to startmaking those amends like Sing, you know, I don't have people in my mind. And then I have to keep on doing this shit in the tenstep. So I don't because because I'm self form and riot. So withmy crazy brain, I'm perfectly capable for at least another ten of twenty yearsof doing shit, stupid shit and hurting people, and I got to keepon cleaning it up. Now, if you do the ten step, we'regoing in the ten step now, per second. If you do this theten step enough times, we keep on doing it and doing it and doit. Then what it says in the ten step is what happens. Asyou you learn to refrain, you restrain yourself and doing stupid shit, fromdoing saying stupid shit, writing stupid shit, doing stupid shit, and it's areally this is really a bad I'm giving you advanced Ay. Now ListUp. Here's the deal. If you don't do stupid shit, I it. If you don't, if you don't fuck up, you don't say it, you don't do stupid shit, you don't have to. You don't haveto make any amends. This is like totally this is PhD serious. I'llthink about it. It actually made sense. If you don't say or do stupidshape, you don't have to worry about what people are thinking about youbecause you did the stupid shit. The problem is, if you're an alcoholic, you know not only can't you stop drinking, you can't stop doing stupidshit. You know. That's the problem. I don't know what kind of fellowshipwill call that. Stupid Shits anonymous. This is stupid. You know whatI mean. And then when you stop doing stupid Shit and you madedemands for all the stuff, that's that. Here's where it is. Then youwalk around and you don't have all those people on your mind. You'renot like hating people, you're not like...

...hating yourself. You're not saying things, I'm going to asshole how to kill myself. You know, hey,here's what, here's a little a little something I'll tell you about our alcoholism. Whenever you get in a fight with anybody, you know, it says, we could whenever you get into a fight with anybody, and they couldbe wrong and you could be right. As a fact, you're Al Kyiright. They ought to be killed because they're so stupid. You know whatI mean? That's out you right. So when you're really right and they'rereally wrong and you got to find somebody, I promise you. And and you'regoing over the fighting your mind. He said this and I said thatby the line. Then you're dipping him a multen law. Then you're killingthem and you chopping off his head and to him his babies in front ofhim and doing all that Shit that Al Key's do to really hurt him.What's the matter with these? Okay? And so you do all that Shit, trust name. An hour after that you're going to be telling yourself you'rea piece of shit. is a connection between thinking bad shit about other peopleand thinking you're a piece of shit. There's a connection between thinking bad shitabout other people and thinking bad shit about yourself. So, okay, bigshot, you know how to stop drinking. How you going to stop thinking badshit about other people. Yeah, well, there is one who hasall power. That one is God, not HP is one of adds allpower. That one is God. You better give your life to him now. To want to do that. Deal. It's a decision away. It's onlya decision. These guys were serious when they put in words like utterlyabandon yourself. You know, you know, you might not know us, butthat's okay. You real reliance has been God. He will show youhow to create. The fellow should be great. When they say, whenthey start talking about going to church and encourage you that, and they starttalking about being you know, they start talking about we never apologized for God, we never this whole felt ninety nine percent of this fellowship is people goingaround apologize if the talking about God, or being scared to talk about Godor mention the word God because people might not like them. And a Godbased program, which is why most people are not happy here, but justsort of doing. They're just on life support, a life support, youknow, because if you just do the bare minimum, you know what willhappen. You won't train, you may not drink for a while, tenyears, twenty years, something like that. But not drinking, it's not emotional. Sobriety go Wilson said. Even he knew that when he wrote thatessay of twenty two years said the real problem with alcoholics has unhealthy dependencies,with the unhealthy dependencies not only on alcohol, on women, on man, romanceof money, on everything. I had a guy twenty years Kip,keeps on calm. He calls about once a month, once every two months. It's always the same thing. Blah Blah, Blah. Money. Italked to him for a while. Month later those eyes is blah blah,blah, money, Blah Blah Blah, twenty years, Blah Blah Blah.My He's got twenty years. Blah, blah, blah. Couldn't take itanymore. I could. I couldn't handle it. I can't help it.You know I don't love intolerance is our code, but my sponsors didn't goto that fucking class. You know what I mean now I said you knoweverything. You call me off. A month goes by and all you wantto do is talk about money. Why don't you get yourself right? Youknow you're fifty years old. Once your focus on God and stuff, worriedabout the bullshit you know what. You stopped calling them, but that's okay, because the only reason he stot callm me is because he heard what Isaid and it pissed them off. Let me tell you something. The truthwill set you free, but first little piss off. You know what Imean. So being pissed off and you're not listen. If I'm not sayingif, if what I'm saying it a mean, is not pissing off twentyfive percent of people, I'm not saying anything that's going to help. Youknow, I want people to walk out of here saying that guy's an asshole. They're the same people that come back, if they stay sober, ten yearslater, saying I used to you...

...know, I love now I loveyou because you're finally said something that makes sense to me, because I didn'tunderstand what the problem is. You know, that's the problem. That's what thebook is all about, and most people can read that book and theneven see what it's saying in the book, because all those words abandon yourself.We never apologize for God. All men of faith have courage. Theytrust their God. We Never Pausi to let him demonstrate on all those wordsthey say in the but about God. They blink them out, they say, they say, you know, in their mind a little twist those onthe Mane and says, well, yeah, they don't mean that, but thenmean that. Or it's got my understanding, which is basically, youknow, I put them in the trunk, you know, and you do ityour way and you get let me tell you something, guess what?Half Measures of alien nothing. You stood at the turning point. There isno guess what, there is no middle of the road solution. It maytake a ten to twenty years to realize there's no middle of the road solution. That's why I after ten years, I start going to bobby study becausesomebody told me. You go to Bible study because you'll run the people inhere. They'll tell you a shit like that. You know, you'll haverun into other people like in here and say don't believe any that Shit,you don't do any of that shit and it's going to be your decision whoyou're gonna believe. Hey, it's going to be your decision, who you'regoing to follow your don't blame anybody else. Don't go out there and saying Itried a a, it didn't work. For me just say I try to, but I you know, and I really I decide not to doit the way. Some guy just say I may you make it this sad. You you know, it's one thing decide to stop drink. It's nothingto start really decide to do this shit. Now it's simple. Most people don't. Most people don't don't do what these guys were doing. These guyswere going to Bible study. They read the Bible there, prayed in themorning. You know by a time in the morning they're we're doing as alot of them. You just read Dr Bobby going. Old Timers they were. They wouldn't let you in to meet unless you got down on your kneesand gave you a lights together. Did you know that? For five years, if you want to go nay mean, you couldn't get into a me unlessyou got down on your knees. You you couldn't go to a meetingunless you did the third step before you went. They wouldn't let in themeeting. How's that? So let me have some of those means. Why? It must be an interesting I guess they weren't. I guess if youhad to get down on your knees and most of her low bottom drunk.So they did. If, yeah, yeah, get down your knees.Even getting the door of a meeting, I guess there wasn't too many guys. They're saying. Well, if you mentioned God, I'm going to walkout. That's pretty much qualifier. You know what I mean. When theyhave you and in front of a bunch of people, get down. Theseof you like to God, you pretty much know what you're getting into.People in a don't even know what they're getting into anymore, between the treatmentcenters everything that. They think again some sort of Mickey Mouse Club here.A lot of you figure out what they're gotten into after twenty years. See, that's what they do. When a they throw you in the pool.You can be an atheist agnostic. They don't care. You got a bunchof people run around that don't want to do this thing anyway. So theydon't worry about that. You know, they can talk to your way.I'm talking to you, and they they let and then you're on your ownand you are, trust me, on your own. You were on yourmaybe a drink and maybe you don't trade, maybe you die. You don't die, and somewhere around ten or fifteen years you're running to somebody in soI don't know what my problem is. He says, I don't want tohear of your sex life or your money problem anymore. Why don't you startgiving yourself to God and make a decision and get straight and either do ityou don't. And that's what five percent of people that come in here,that's in five percent. That's what it's all about. Read the book sometime. N The one spots what they talk about God and what we're supposed todo with God and is thettle employer. He will give us everything we needif we stay close to him and performance work. Well, I guess stayclose to him? What? You don't even know who he is and yougot him locked in the trunk anyway. You know, and even says inthe seventh step you can say you believe in God, it doesn't mean anything. Your faith. He means barren because...

...he's not the central fact of yourlife. Well, how you going to do this thing? Everything you needsjust stay close and performance work. Well, what's his work? What's his work? I'm sitting with a guy at a denny's and I'm five years soberand the guy sitting with me is a new God. Would just want toreally said how you like the man he see. I like it, butwhat are you guys doing for fun? I didn't have the heart to tellhim I was having a good time. It's work is to be a maximumservice to other people. You're in here your use. You may not realizethis. If you are in here, you signed up for the priesthood.You signed up for the mission. You you you're a missionary. Your jobis not a save other people. Your job is to carry a message ofsobriety to other people. Your job is to talk about God's other people.You don't want to do that, you're worthless. You're worthless. You wantto tell people don't worry about the God thing. God is in a pointimportant. You know, some of you're not talking about a there talking aboutsome sort of form of a without power. You're talking about and the only reasonyou're doing that is because you don't want to believe in God and you'rescared. If that's the deal, then you might have to do it.That's okay, nobody gets away with anything in here. You know this is. You know this is you know you we got like baby childish thinking thatwe can, we can just charge everything on the credit card and never haveto pay. There there are consequences they're not doing this thing. There areconsequences to not going to go life to God. There are consequences. They'renot utterly a many. There are consequences. Don't it says, if you wantwhat we have, what we got, and are willing to go to anulateto get it. If you want we have and a willing go toany land to get it. Rarely have you seen a person fail who hasthoroughly followed our path. That was written nineteen thirty nine. Watch you lookat what they were doing in nineteen thirty nine. It doesn't say do whateverthe fuck you want to do. So it's really I was seeing person failwho was thoroughly followed up path. Thoroughly. Look at the word thoroughly. Thoroughly, not just do the Shit you want to do, you know,and not do the Shit you don't want to do. Really, have seenprince villas thoroughly followed our path. Not Do whatever you feel you want todo because you're so smart, because you got a Ph d, or youjust a smart guy. We're all smart guys here, but you know,buckle down and do shit you're told to do. That's when stuff starts happening. The only reason I'm talking about this stuff it's it's like a step series, right, so this is like more serious than a regular you know.I mean my boyfriend left me meeting. You know that kind of thing.You know that kind of bullshit. It was supposed to be real deal.This is the real deal. Is supposed to be real. Do I thinkthe steps are in there somewhere? I do. I think they're in theresomewhere. I think the steps so much. I think I think even did hardenough to think about they're all in there. I mentioned the Nice stepat one point, so I've done my job. That's it for me.Thank you.

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