AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 10 months ago

Russell S. Talk 7 at the Solutions Group 11/17/2021 – “Just A Decision Away”

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Russell S. Talk 7 at the Solutions Group, West Dixie Club, Miami, FL 11/17/2021 - “Just A Decision Away”

Hi, my name is Russell spats. I'm an alcoholic and it's great to be here at these thanks that I'm an alcohol bit great to be here at the Solutions Group for the steps series. Haven't found that start to have a drink since January twenty two, one thousand nine hundred and eighty one, and it's my pleasure to be here. And this is the seventh week. And if I don't know, you've noticed this, because I haven't done this since in the last six weeks. I have a twelve and twelve in my hand this this is actually an indication that I may actually be talking about the seventh step now. I know some of you have been here are saying, well, after, after six weeks, there's a six weeks of a step series. This is a fine time to decide to start talking about the steps. You know what I mean. So is that for me? I don't know. I can't compete. I can't compete with that. Okay, is it off? Oh, so, so you mean I'm competing with the Department of Correction? Story of your list, story of my life. Yeah, the farm. Okay, well, thank you. Appreciate you're being here. I'm sure you appreciate being here. You probably appreciate being here more than I appreciate being here. You always got to consider the alternatives, right, so it's good to be here. So I am going to talk about sick I. I've mentioned this, I think last week. If I had enough, maybe I mentioned it up and boke up where I'll be doing it tomorrow. I my favorite steps to talk about, although I talk about all of them and I think they're really all sort of mushed in together and one big milkshake with me. You know, if I'm talking about my life and I live my life today, I'm talking about all the steps. They not sound like it, but you know, after you do this thing over and over again for seven years, wax on, wax off, lax on, wax off, you know you see you no longer like do the steps. You just sort of live in your life and hopefully you're living the steps and you're living this program and you've gone through that transformation. I'm sure I'm still going through that transformation, like you're going to the transformation. We're all going through the transform it. You know, some of you here are sober. You know. You know thirty years, twenty years, fifteen years and five, three months. No matter how long you're sober, even if it's one day, you're not the same person with the same ideas and the same mindset as you were three months ago. We're three years ago, we're ten years ago, no matter where you are, you've changed, because that's what happens here. You can't remain the same. You remain the same, you can end up drinking, just associating with the people in this steal and trying to stay sober. One day at a time. You're going to change. You know when Roland Hazard when in this treatment center in the nineteen hundreds, I think, the early twenty century, and ran into Dr cal young and after around six months or twenty eight days, whatever hell they did over there in Europe, and he said now, knowing the hand workings of my mind, the idea of drinking again was impossible now that I understand what my problem is. And then it says right after that, nevertheless he was drunk. In a few weeks we went back to the doctor and he said, I understand what's wrongly, what's the story? and Dr Junk Young said these words. I read the big I haven't necessarily memorized about I've read it so many times that I pretty much have it down. Doctor Young said something like this. He said you have the mind of a chronic alcoholic. By the way, we have any chronic out we have any alcoholics in here. So I want to tell you, and I don't mean this figuratively, I mean this literally, he's talking to you. I don't know you fringing this out yet one day you may figure out the fact that the reason why these are textbooks is because we all have a common disease, a common disease, and there's a common cure, there's a common repreat, there's a common thing we do, and so if it's in the big book, it's and if some something, if somebody's talking about in the big book, they're talking to you. You. Now, the fact that you don't realize they're talking about you, or the fact that you're still saying things like you don't understand me, or I'm different, or you don't whatever that is, just means you just haven't come to the insight...

...yet that you'll get to after repeated humiliations, in the final question your self sufficiency. But one day you'll see yourself in every page of the big book. Hopefully, and so doctor young said, you have the mind of a chronic alcohol I have never been successful with a person with this type of mind. Exists and no doctor, using medical means or devices it's ever been successful with an alcoholic. No Pale has ever been successful with alcohol. Or they can keep you sober. They you may, they may start you off and they may get you so you're not on alcohol for five, D and Ten, fifteen, twenty years, but you won't be rocketed in the fourth dimension of existence. You won't experience much of Heaven. You'll be pretty much the way you are in a a when you're not when you're not doing the real deal. Sober but fucked up, sober but crazy, sober but restless, sober but irritable. Sober but upsetable, sober but not at peace, sober but lonely. Sober but lonely looking for its distractions. So you want to sober but scared. Sober but fearful, sober but jealous, Solber, but sober but craving things, money, power, prestige, Romance. Sober but not sober, not emotionally sober, not not emotionally sober, not the sober that Bill Wilson's talking about. When he wrote the essay on emotional sobriety, said the real problem with alcoholics is unhealthy dependencies, and he wasn't talking about alcohol because at Twenty Three Years Sober, at twenty three years sober, this is twenty three years, twenty, no, twenty years after the big book was written and eleven years after the twelve and twelve was written. Twenty three years sober, he was going crazy. You know that guy that we all talked about. By the way, Bill Wilson is not my higher power. I mean I love them. I think he was the finally inspired Aa is not my higher power. My sponsors were not my head. They were at one point. People were one point ruling one point. Was My higher power. Bill Wilson, at twenty three years sober, was going down to toobs. I'M NOT SAYING ANYTHING AGAINST BILL Wilson because it applies to almost everybody I've seen in alcoholics and anost that I've run into just the other day I called me up and he had almost twenty years sobriety. Somebody suggested that he listened to a tape or recording it. He gave me a call because he was was dying. You know I'm dying here. You know what's it like when you have ten years Ober, twenty years Ober, five years Ober, three months ober, and you're doing everything they telling you, doing a a, you're sponsoring people, you're doing service. You know, you'n I even craven alcohol anymore. You don't even have the obsession and you're not happy with your sobriety in the big book. That says here and there once in a while, and alcohol drive the moment. Says I feel better, look better, having a better time, like a boy whistling in the grave guard, he says. We laugh at such salad. We know we'll try the old game again because he's not happy with his sobriety. Soon will know loneliness is fue do we wish for the end? They'll be at the jumping off place. You know, I when I first read that many, many years ago, I thought he they must be talking about. You know, when you can understand why somebody who's brand new into the program who comes in and I've heard them say, hey, everything's great, I'm fine, I got no problems, the next thing you know the drunk. But he could be talking about Twenty Bill Wilson at twenty three or sober. And at twenty three or sober, Bill Wilson wrote an essay called emotional sobriety because he was trying to figure out, as we try to figure out as we go through this, what happens when you're an AA and you're not drinking and you feel like bill dots and felt and alcohol S. I'm some three. I knew there was something more, something I hadn't got, something a person ought to have or release,...

...something that I knew other people had but I couldn't get. What happens when you're an AA and you've experienced, maybe you got ten years or fitten years and everyone's while you've experienced one or two promises. You know you experience a promise here, a promise there, feeling to peace and feeling of happiness, a feeling to joy, maybe even a feeling of gratitude. It becomes a part of your life and you know you but, but, but then it goes away and then it comes back and it goes away and you're you're constantly started doing this this Yo yo thing between knowing that that sort of wife, that rocketship in the fourth dimension life must exist somewhere, but it's not existing in you, because so you do as you get a taste of it, then it's gone. You got to taste of it, and then you're broke again, you got to taste of it, and then you're alone again. You got to taste of it, and then somebody disappoints you. It seems like you're always playing catch up, no matter how hard. What happens when that happens? And and so Dr Young said, he said you have the mind of chronic alcohol he says, I've never been successful with that state of mind exists. And he says, is there no hope? And he says here and he says, I can't help you. I'm a doctor, I can't help you. There's no kill for integrity, there's no pill for that. Would you get away loneliness? I mean, you know, I said this last week. We gotta Yuck out of it. It's true. You know, you go to a doctor and you feel this alcoholism coming upon you and you describe the symptoms of alcoholism to the doctor. You say, I'm I'm feeling lonely, depressed, I'm very depressed, you know, like a whatever you want to say, whatever the symptoms are. You know he's going to write your script, and when he writes you that script, what he's saying to you is listen, I have no idea what the Hell is wrong with you, but suck on these things so that will keep you quiet, you know what I mean, and then I can work on somebody who has a real problem. You know, I can't turn you into a freaking adults. You know what I mean. I mean you're you're forty five years old, you're thirty years old and you're like a six year old thumb sucking crybaby. I don't know, all I got is this pail. You know, suck on it, you'll be able to go to sleep or something. You know, what are you doing when you're an a and a's not working? What do? What do you do when you're an a and a working for you? You know it's a problem, and the sixth and seven step are called old timers steps. You know why? Because it's a real engine that gets the thing moving for us after we stop drinking, when drinking is no longer the issue, when the only issue, when drinking, which is just the symptom, is no longer the problem, when the obsession to drink is no longer the problem. When you finally realize that, when the book said alcohol is but a symptom of our disease. Are Real disease centers in our mind, not a body. He when you really understand that if you're an alcohol you're insane, you're not your mind is not well, sober or drunk, sober or drunk, that it's not the booth, it's the brain. And you probably figured out that you don't have like a spare bent brain in the trunk. So what Dr Young said to him was? He said, basically, he said you got the mind of an alcoholic. I can help you. No doctor can help you. Listen, our book says no human being can help you. God couldn't would if he was sought. He says you must have a psychic change. God has to become this is the arch way, this is the free he says. God has to be. It's that you got to have a new employer. He's going to be your employer. You know, yeah, he's going to be. He's the principle. You're the agent. You know. That's the deal. He's the central fact your life. The great fact is this and nothing less. He said this he said, you must have a complete psychic change. Well, what does that look like? Him? This is the way Dr Young described it, and I sort of like his description. He said ideas, emotions and attitudes, which is pretty much everything that's going on your brain. You know, ideas, emotions and attitudes. Idea is emotions and attitudes, mostly emotions, mostly feelings, which lead to attitudes, which leads the decisions. You know, ideas, emotions attitudes, which are the guiding force, of forces of your life. It's determines where you're going to go, what you're going...

...to do, who you hang it going to hang out with, how you going to feel about yourself. Ideas, emotions and attitudes that are and have been the guiding force of Your Life. Sober, become shifted to one sign and they become and you become dominated, dominated, but a whole new set of ideas, emotions and attitudes, and big book, the way it calls it's like you're reborn. You become like a new person, and it's six and seven. When it's six, is the step, not three, not to, not for, not five, none of those steps. Don't worry about it. We're on to you now. You're under our protection. This is like the church. They can't come and get you in here. Of the church. Ideas, emotions and attitudes that are the guiding for that shift to one side and we have a whole new set of ideas, emotion, statitude. We're reborn than new creations, New People. And what six and seven says is it's says. What's that? This is the real third step, not the third step. I'm not putting down thirds about love. The third step isn't not the God step. No, it's not the God step. Six and seven are the gods steps. Third Step. Listen, I did the third step. Sat's get down on your knees. Sat's get down on your knees. That's the suggestion. Let's say a third step prayer. It's a nice prayer. I haven't memorized it. You know, God, I give myself to you and all that sort of stuff. That kind of I got down on my knees before I can day and I think it had an effect and I gave my lofe to Jesus. I mean I'm a Jewish Gift Fro New York. I'm twelve minutes. It's Christmas morning, three o'clock the morning. Nine when was one thousand nine hundred and eighty, the summer and twenty five. I get down and he says, I said, I asked Jesus come to my life at the prompting of the past. It was on TV, because my life was ruined and I want to get better. And I and I said the center's prayer. I'm a center and I need guys said, I think it had it turns out it had an effect. You'd be here. Hey, listen, don't laugh at this shit. You know, you start to you start getting on your knees and you ask God for help, he's gonna he's going to work some deals on you, you know, over a period of time. And and so I'm not saying the third step doesn't have an effect act, but the third steps not weird. It's that I know it's not where it's at, because the big book, I believe the Big Book. The longer I'm Soa with, the longer I believe the big book. I've gone a ten years sober. I had to go. I I reached the point in ten years Ober like Bill Wilson Look Rip Reach his point at twenty three years, and I had to realize that something I was missing something. I was doing everything and the group banquet chairman for two years in row on the real aid for eight years straight on Day County, sponsoring anything that moved, doing the whole bit, you know, speaking around rooms and doing this stuff and everything, at conventions, all that stuff. And I wasn't happy with my sobriety and I know where to go because I don't know where to turn where you're not happy. He said, don't really go to means I was going to four meetings a day. I wasn't happy with my sobriety. You know, I had good sponsors and everything. I wasn't like you know, and some of guys suggest that I go to Bible study. First thing I said, it is it? No, I can't do that. Doesn't say that a big book. You should do that. Well, it does say. It does say in the big book we encourage church membership. It does say in Dr Bobbo though, good old timers, the books we found absolutely essential. We're first going to in thirteen, sermon on the Mount, the book of James. What it also says in the big book and Chap Two agnostics, as it says, if a mere code of morals of better philosophy of life would have helped us be sober long time ago. It didn't help us. We had that means. We had wrote a book where we had to find the power and we have to talk about God. And it also said in the big book, if you're dealing with alcoholics, this is where they're going to say no. This is where they're going to say no. This is where you the rubber meets the road, and that little part where it says, if you want we have and you're willing to go to any length to get it, then you're ready to take certain steps. This is when we find out WHO's ready. You know, you ready to go to means? Yes, ready to sponsor people? Yes, you ready to do the meeting? Well, I don't know what I'm ready yet, but I'll do it. Yes, you're ready to do the fourth step. Yes, you ready to do it for yes, you ten years sober. You're doing everything in the as is. Ready to go to Bible study? No, no, I'll go to more meetings.

I'll do an inventory this time. I'll do it right. You know what I mean. I'll pray, but this is ready to but no, not ready to do that. Well, they suggest that they say there's a mafic. They encourage it. They say most of us do this. You're ready to know, they say. First, they said the books they found absolutely essential at first, with the in thirteen, starting to know, they say, went out a lot of any you can. Don't talk about it. Listen. Here's the bottom line. There are consequences to decisions, and this ain't address rehearsal. This is your life. Ninety years old, eighty years old, hand, stop drinking, you're miserable. Whatever it is you know, you say shit. Maybe I should have done that. What held me back? Intellectual Pride, Dr Bob said, or, if you're an atheist, at Nostagram, some other form of intellectual thought, pride that keeps you from doing this. We feel sorry for you. Your heavenly father will never let you down. Father's spellbled the capital left. What the Hell do you think he was talking about? Bill Wilson said, the Lord has been so wonderful to me, curing me of this trouble disease. I got to keep talking about and telling the other people what the hell you think they're talking about. Says God has to become your Creator, has become the central fact of your life. You know, you must be convinced that loves in your heart and mine way, which is deep, miraculous. He's doing few with the TETTOO. For Yourself, but the hell you think they're talking about? Once you make the selfish, that self selfcenteredness, unless we get rid of this, you know it's going to kill us. God makes that possible. Once you make a sense here, decision for God, not hp for God, when you finally call him by name and not ashamed, because you know why. You never apologize for him anymore because you don't feel like you have to apologize for anybody, because you're focused on him. You're not focused on whether or not somebody likes you in an a room. There's not even paying your visa mill. You know what I mean, because you graduate, you're not as sphere of other people. You know, what do you think they're talking Mooten, he says. So give you everything you need if you stay close to him, him form. You just work. Well, how do you stay close to him? You do things where you stay close to people that are always talking about God. But most people in a is going to, are going to say now they're even going to get mad at you and get pissed, just like was a chapter of the agnostics. That's what happened with Bill Wilson. He says in the book. The guy says, I it's a new deal, it's a former really, it's like religion. I got a new religious idea. So building seas. I can't buy into that Shit. That's what he said. Read the book. He says, I can't do that. I don't believe in a person of God. I don't believe it is our universe. I don't believe in any of that stuff. He says. Well, Bill, I'll tell you what to get in. Why don't you just believe whatever God you understand God to you just make up something, you know, whatever you can handle right now. and Bill said, I that I can do but it was never a tent intended to be something that is applauded. You don't end up there at thirty years. You're supposed to end up there at ten years. And most people in a WHO love the idea of not having God. I've decided that what a stands for is that atheism is okay. They've decided that with a big book. Really stands for is the fact that you can believe in anything you can believe yourself as God. You know, good orderly direction. Just believe good on a La Direction. Get it, Gee, Oh d if you're an alcoholic, you can buy into any bullshit that that says. Well, that's God because it says good early direction. By the way, who would be determining the good order the direction? Oh yeah, that would be you. That be you, because you, because you know, you're thinking, is God, because you've got intellectual pride and that keeps you from God. And what intellectual pride is is you ain't going to believe in anything you don't understand. You will not believe in anything you don't understand. And the only people that make it an Aa be rock in the fourth dimension of existence. The real faith is when you believe in Shit that you don't understand. For an alcohol to think that he understands everything and he's smarter than anything in the universe and he understands how everything works and he gets his is the height of Arronans, the height of arrogance. You wouldn't understand. If I talked about my faith to you, you might understand, you might understand understand it, but you would say, basically, I don't get it. And Guess. And so since you don't get it and you don't understand it, you ain't never going to do it. So you don't even have to worry about my deal, what's going on, my deal, because you ain't never going to have it, because you're not going to believe in anything you don't understand. And I feel sorry for you, because when you start believing and stuff you don't understand, life becomes fucking miraculous. It becomes miraculous. So how can I, how can I talk to people that will only believe in things that they understand? You...

...know, like this is what Dr Young said to him. He said, look, medical science can help you. I can't help you. You have to have a psychic change, some sort of spiritual spiritual whatever that means, transformation. It's a God thing. You know, I don't understand it. I can't even do it to you. I can't do it. You know, you're the one who's got to have to. I don't know. Some people, many are called, but few are chosen. And so you got the six step and says this is the step that separates the men from the boys, not the third step, not the not the fourth of fifth. This is the step that separates the men from the boys, and this is the definition of the six step. Anyone, any person, who is willing to work on his defects of character so we can get closer, to grow in the image and likeness of his creator, with the capital Sy, the image and likeness of God, and it's willing to work that way, is truly a man who's we can find his trying to grow in God. DMAGE. That's the same. I'm not making this shit up. That's what it says in the boot. You know, you know how many people try to do this without that deal, without the God thing. You you can't. But I get calls all the time from guys with twenty, five, thirty years and gals long term sobriety and they're not happy. It's always because of the sixth and seventh step. It's always because God is not the centerpiece of their lives. You know, I you know. It's always because it's not about God, it's about women or men or money or romance. You see, you can believe, you can say you believe in God, but have you unbelieved in the world? See, it's not what you believe in God, it's whether you have the capability to unbelieve in the world. It's the capability. If you can unbelieve that a man isn't going to make you happy, if you've got unbelieve that a woman is not going to make you happy, if you can unbelieve that sex is not the answer, if you can unbelieve that money is not the answer, if you can unbelieve that everything you've lust it over in this world up to this point and continue to do so because you can't stop. And when a person keeps on suffering the same bullshit over and over go again, the same sadness and depression and frustration and anger because he can't get this or can't have that, or he needs this or he needs that, says it all about book job or no job, my money or no money, he says, woman or no woman, wife or no wife. Don't let any alcoholic think you can't do this thing unless he has stuff, and that applies to somebody with twenty years sober or one day, so he says. The real deal is you got to focus of Goton God. You cannot, it was said eight thousand years ago and the Bible. You can't love God and the world at the same time. Listen, half measures value nothing. Listen, there is no middle of the road solution. Hey, God is everything or he's not. Thy Listen, this is in my fricking opinion, this is quotes from our literature. What do you think they're talking about? Well, I know what you I know what's going on because when we have when Paul, one of the consequences of alcoholism, I've told you this before. I'm not going to go through the same story because you've heard it, but I've learned it about myself, is when you're told something and you're an alcohol and something is explain to you, or you read something when you're an alcoholic and you don't like it, it confuses you. You understand? I'll have people come up to me after me. He says, you know, I love when you said this was I love when you said this, and I'll say you mean when I quoted from the Big Book and they say yeah, Younghen you quoted that thing from bid by. I said, well, that's from the big book. He says yeah, but it's the way you said it. And what they're really trying to say to me is I never saw that. I never I know, I never thought of it that way. I mean, I know it's in there, but I never thought it was like that important, you know what I mean? And everybody that's has problem in this thing, it feels is, does the same thing. So I want to read you something from step seven and the big book, and this I'm reading like in the middle of a paragraph. We never thought it said, one says. Well, I mean seeing. Seldom did we look at character building as something desirable in itself, something...

...we would like to strive for, whether, I'm stinctual needs were met or not. We never thought of making honesty, tolerance and true love of Man and God the daily basis of of living, true love of God the basis of daily living. So what have I told you? I love my wife, and I do love my wife, but what have I told you? I love my wife, but I got three women on the side. Know what? If I told you that, what have I told you? Know, I love my wife, I really do love her. I don't want a divorce, but I have three women I see on the side that I have sex with. How would you feel about what would you think about me? By the way, that's not true. Just in case you, my wife, ever heard you don't believe it. You know. Now what if I told you that, how would you do? What would you think about that love I have? You would say, well, you don't really love you, but because if you loved your wife, you wouldn't have three women on the side. So don't tell me you love God when you're whorrying for the world. Don't tell me you love God when your world worse, when you spend when you spend five minutes praying to God in a room, perfunctorily, because everybody's doing it and you call them hp you know what I mean, and you spend ten hours out there lusting and running after and thinking about everything in the world. Don't tell me you love God. He's not a central fact of your life. He's just something you talk about an a meetings. So, just in case you think I'm kind of crazy here, I may be crazy, but the gods who wrote this book are kind of crazy too, because this is what they say. You never thought of make an honesty, tolerance and true love of Man and God the daily basis of living. The lack, this lack of anchorage to any permanent values, this blindness. I love and and what is that? Amazing Grace. Everybody's heard this song. Amazing Grace. I don't care with you creuse, it says amazing grace. How sweet the sound that saved the wretch like me. I once was lost and I'm the fountain. Was Blind. And now, I said, people walk around these rooms blind, totally blind. And not only are they blind, when they hear the truth, they get mad at it. They make up some stupid excuse. Will don't talk like that. You'll scare with a newcomer. Scare them to where? Where are they going? Oh, I because I said God or Jesus are going to go out and drink. Why, I got news for you. That's going to make them drink. They ain't last and long anyway, and then don't come back. If they make it back, and they won't scare him way. This lack of Achorage that any permanent values is blindness to a true person. Of Our lives produced another bad result. Here's the bad result. For just so long as we were convinced that we could live exclusively by our own individual strength and intelligence, other ways we could manage our lives, get the stuff in our lives, get the money in our lives, get the sex in our lives. Get the romance in our lives for just so long as we are, we're avanced that we could live exclusively by our own dividual strength intelligence for just that long. Was a working faith in a higher power impossible. This was true even when we believe that God existed. So you can tell me I believe in God. Oh yeah, I believe in God. Even if we believe that God existed as a God, what does it matter if he's not really a part of our lives? What does it matter if we haven't surrendered to him? We could actually have earnest religious beliefs which remain barren. I don't think that's a good thing. When they say remain barren, what do you think? Because we were still trying to play God ourselves. As long as we play self reliance first, a genuine reliance on a higher power was out of the question. That basic ingredients of all humility, humility which is what the seven stuff is all about, humbly asking him, a desire to seek and do God's will, was still missing. And every guy who I talked to who has ten, twenty, thirty years sobriety, who was in trouble. He's in trouble because he hasn't surrendered his life goddess and sitting on the throne of his art. In my particular religion we call it Lordship. You know, you say you believe in God, but he has nothing to do with your life. something. You talk about a name, eating once in a while and even worried about talking about that, you know. So you call him nicknames or something. So here's the good news. So now I get I was going to give my speech on you mill you know, seven...

...step as to humility. So let me talk about the seven and let me tell you something. If anybody's going to talk about humility, you got the right fucking guy here. Let me tell you something. I'm the guy to talk about that. I was going to get my speech on humility tonight, but I never do it with a group this small. You understand what I'm saying. Use It's a larger group. So, you know, here's the problem. If I'm going to give a talk about humility and I'm going to tell you the truth, I have to get real personal about this, you see, because I can't bullshit. So I got to tell you what that means to me. You See, here's the problem. I'm supposed to talk about humility and humbly asking him and how to humbly ask God, and I'm a selfish, a selfish, defective, evil, self centered jerk. So the problem is I'm supposed to talk to you about my story, because our story is about humility and what it means to me, and I'm a selfish, dysfunctional jerk. That's the bad news. The more bad news is on the planet right now there's just a lot of jerks just like me. So you're probably not going to find anybody. They're all going to be selfish, self centered jerks. It's the model that came down from the factory. You know, nobody in here isn't that is in a selfish, self centered Jurek all of them. Now, my sponsor, John Glenn, to me was the closest thing to an unselfish, humble person, but I have to say, and he's in heaven now with Lord, I love you, job, but I know you'll understand why I say this. But even John Glenn, who I wish I could be like, if I can just ten percent of John Glenn, even he would have to admit that he's a sinner, that he's a selfish and self center. Pete even have to. As a matter of fact, he wouldn't claim perfection. He would say I'm not. I'm not sinless, I just send less. You know what I mean. But I watch out of those guys that say listen to me, I'm humble, you know, and I'm not a sinner. You know. Watch out for those glorks. So what's the deal? And so I'm just going to tell you my deal and you don't have to do it and you don't have to even believe it, but I'm just telling you because you know, that's that's you know, it's your story sets its close in John Way. What you it's your testimony. It's your story. That's important. That's what. That's what is authentic when you tell somebody your story and they identify. So you know, I can't tell something other than myself. Now understand this. I got forty years sobriety. I'm not saying that, I'm not bragging, I'm just reporting. I got forty years. So I've been huffing and popping and trying to figure out this, like Bill Wilson at twenty three years going down to the ten years going now. I've been trying to work on this thing and work on this thing and work on this thing. So if I tell you the way I am today and what has happened to me today, don't be sitting here with three years or five years or ten years saying, man, I'm really a screwed up or something because I can't get there. Understand that. You understand this thing. There's a reason why they say we get a new perspective by repeated humiliations and the final crushing of our self sufficiency. There's a reason why they say you learned the value of suffering. You know all it means. If you haven't gotten here yet, okay, and believe me, I got a ways to go, because we all fall short of that deal. You know what I mean? Well, Short, we're all growing. It takes what does it say in the twelve and twelve? It's a process that takes a lifetime. You know the way I'm falling apart. We're probably talking about maybe a couple of weeks. You know what I mean. But I mean but it takes a long time. So that that's the deal. It takes over a period of time and if you haven't if you haven't figured out some things. Don't worry about it. This world is filled with stuff that'll get what. I'll make you suffer for the next ten, twenty, thirty years. You know, I'll trust me. Where do you get to be my age and your body starts falling apart? It's some really good stuff. You got to look forward to, let me tell you, and going to look forward to some good stuff. It's hard to it's hard to suffer much when year in your twenties and thirty s and you go to the gym and your buff, you know, and you got all the girls around. You know, it's hard to taking this shit. You know what I mean. When you got power, you know what I mean, and you can actually walk, you know, without tripping, and you actually remember...

...why you walked into a room. You get something. You know what I mean. You know when you when you got your shit together and you're so you're so cool. It's hard to it's hard to imagine this ground. I start going to church when I was ten years Ober. I found my third sponsor. I sponsored by Bob Sullivan for seven or eight years. Loved Him. I suffered by Joe Sneider until I had about fifteen years. At ten years I started going to church. Remember, they often, but I start going every day and I sat next to a man named John Glenn. John Glenn was a Baptist minister and he was an Alky. You had sixty years of Brit fifty or sixty years sprite. I can remember exactly how much. A lot of sobriety. When Joe died, I asked John to be my sponsor. John used to. I used to go with the John to all these Bible Studies, because when you hang out with these people, like they say, I joined the Church, Kevin, Deacon the church. That's crazy. I told the pastor, big church. told the pastor. I said I'm crazy, I'm an out call it. I've got fifteen years. Yeah, we got a spot for a crazy deacon. You can have that spot. So I was a crazy dicat anybody coming in the church that was crazy. They sent them to me. But there are mazing the church. Now get this, art is filled with sinners, with screwed up people. I'm telling these alcoholics in the church. You know, they don't advertise it. You understand what I'm saying. They're there. Let me tell you something. So if you want to go to a place where there's a lot of screwed up people looking to get better and to be okay, you know what I mean, and focused on God. You can't pick a better place. They don't apologize for God. Don't say I'm sorry, I'm talking about the Lord. You know, hey is just read about God, read about all the books they're reading. So I start going there with John Glenn and and next thing I know he's taking them, he's going. He's coming to me for an AA meeting and and he's come with me and a meetings. I'm going to the Church and I'm going to different Bible sizes in and I don't it's not one of these things where, and I talk against this, it's some of these things where I went to church instead of a or I went where I went to a instead of church. I added on my I had went to more a meetings, I went to more church. Well, you know what happens when you go to a lot of a means you can go to a lot of church and go to a lot of Bible study. You just don't have time to think about the other shit because all you do, because the man you'll become depends upon the people I hang out with in the books you read, and the books read the pad upon who you hang out with. So now I'm trying to make God the center piece of my life. I'm trying to focus on him, I'm trying to find out who he is and what he wants me to do. And everywhere I look there's people talking about God, and I'm even talking about God and a means with sponsors and everything like that. And so what better way, you know, to get the things that most people never get? An A a. You got to be willing to do the shit that most people won't do. This as simple as that. And most people won't do this. Most people want he gets to that point where they're sort of coasting and they're not drinking, because it's nowadays all about not drinking. Wrong, but isn't that what it's about? On it. So you got fifteen years. I'm get off my back. I get off my back. I don't even feel like drinking. I'm fine, I haven't had a drink. That said, uns that's the best excuse for not growing in his image. Likeness. That's the best excuse for not doing the sixth and seven step. Just say, I have just pull out a medallion and say I haven't had a drink, that off my back and stick on that deal and see how that works out. When you're twenty years sober, when you twenty five years sober, when you got cancer, when your wife dies, when your son dies or something like that, something big happens, just pull out the chip. You know, when you're when you're dying and you got four months to live, just pull off the fucking ship. You know what I mean. To pull out them a DALLION. Just see, just see whether the Solutions Group of Alcoholics and IMO IS gonna be jumping in the grave with you. Just see how it's working for you. So all I did was I just fought. How about this? This is creast for an uncle. I just followed directions. I just did when I was told, because God will let you see in your life with these Eskimos, of these people telling you all sorts of things, and you'll leave us say maybe I'm supposed to do this thing. So that's right. Really, aumility, when you think about it and you're throwing an intellectual pride, when you're trying to figure out what's doing, all the sudden somebody appears in that your life one of these guys and say why don't you try this? And you can either say no, thanks, I'm not ready to do that, or you can say maybe God is trying to tell me something and you can do it. You know, when you surrender and you do something, you don't even know why you're doing it, but you think that you know why not? You don't. You don't say nobody out of fear because you worry...

...about what they'll think about getting a you just go ahead and do it. So I did it. Sorry, she's not doing all the insalts on. Now I'm hanging around John Glenn and he's hanging around different people, introducing me different people. Now I'm going out to dinner. Now I'm going out to dinner with him all the time, and lunch and breakfast. Is My sponsor. I got fifteen twenty years. He was my sponsor for third twenty years and I'm sitting down. I'm sorry because I you can look at me. I like to eat. This is what are you doing? It said, I mean he says, we Kennedy, we've got to give Lord thanks. Now we're not in an a room. Now we're sitting at Danny and there's people there people, people in Danny, and he's wants the ballance head and pray in front of people, you know, like, what are they going to think about me? Not going to give a shit what people think about me, you know what I mean. And so he thosanding this one of these long prayers and he says now, Russell, the foodal taste better because it has that special ingredient. God, that doesn't that sound cool to you? It's so on. I was so unc I was so d hipped by this guy. I became so uncool. You hang around guys like that, you know what happens. You start praying all the time, you start thinking about scripture and they all the time. You start drawing the lines and connecting the dots all the time and one day you wake up and you don't have to turn anything over to God because you live in it. Turns over ly you wake up thinking about the Lord. You go to sleep thinking about the Lord. Every day. You're think, I'm in the car about Lord. You don't, and you know some what a real weird thing happens. You start thinking about the Lord all the time, thinking about God, thinking about him, and you stop thinking about getting laid you're laughing. You don't know what it's like. It's killed and it's killing you, isn't it? He's kill I know, it's killing me. I know, because how old are you? Oh Man, it's a bitch, isn't it? When you wake up in the morning, is today, today, and you know, I mean it's terrible, you know, trying to be a lounge lizard. I wanted what she had and as when to go to any length to get it. It's a bitch, trying to run after the money and the women and the cars and the sex and all the crab you know, and all that stuff, ladies night, is a bitches. And Yeah, it's a bitch. And all of a sudden you start thinking about him and you stop thinking about all that other stuff in the world that's really driving you're crazy that you depend on the pond that you're addicted to, because when you can't stop and you don't know how to stop and you're doing the same think it over again in the same worrying and it doesn't listen to this. It doesn't make you feel good, it makes you feel horrible. That's what you complain about. The meetings. Let's have a mean on relationship. It's always about sex and romance. It's not about God, because everybody in the ass they the same. Well, people's anonymous. They don't want to tell about God. They want to talk about one. Am I going to have a new romance? What am I going to be able to get married? Whenever they want us what they want to talk they want to talk about the same sickness that got him in here. It's everyone's why I've got like me that they mentioned this as I don't don't. You wanted up like rust. And so here's what happened to me, and here's the way I am right now. You know, because I focus on God and I'm and I'm telling you right now, I'm an evil asshole. You understand what I'm saying. You can tell I'm not exactly you know, I'm not exactly Primetime Christian. You I can tell you that. You know I use the man of Unclean Lips, I use hers words and everything like that. But but here's what's what it is right now. I've been doing this stuff so long that I they brainwashed me. I told my well, I'm told my sponsor. I said, I don't know what you do in your brainwash. Me Said maybe your brain needs washing. What do you think they're doing on TV to you when they show a what's that? What's that stuff they use the commercial way you have sex to your nine years old and that group. What do you think they're doing to you when these guys that are worth millions of dollars and they throw billions of dolls on TV have and we show a picture of a couple of eighty year olds having sex on the beach and they're saying, you know, and they say take this drug and you'll be able to do this and you'll be you'll be like an age year old. You think there's a little brainwashing going on in this world. You think there's a little brainwashing going on in the movies and TV, telling you that if you only had the girl or the guy, you think there's you know, it's all brainwashing. So my sponsor said maybe you need maybe your brain needs washing. So now here's my deal. Here's all I know about humility. Well, I know about humility is because us, I focus on God all the time. He's the centerpiece of my life, that I feel like Bill Wilson does. The Lord has been so...

...wontful to me crew me this terrible disease that I want to keep talking about him and telling other people and talking about the stuff that talks about God in this book, because I'm grateful to him, because anything I am that's decent or good or any change I've had has come from God for me. And at the same time there's a, and I don't even know how to explain this, is a certain degree of sadness that goes along with that joy, because I realize how, in a sense, I disappoint him so much by not by still not being as good as I could be. The good news for me is the God, am I understanding, loves me anyway. If you read this, I can be a total wat job and he's still crazy about me and he I don't I don't have to sit there and feel guilty about it. I don't sit theren't worry about because he know, I know, he loves me exactly the way I am. So I'm like not depressed about it. But what happens is I have this intense feeling that when I screw up, I wish I could do better. I wish I could do better, you know, for him, not in for me, just for him. You know, I believe that I may be wrong about this, that that has I believe that the more you believe in God, you know, and the more you love God, and the more you realize what God is doing for you and that you're powerless and there is one who has all power. You don't even have five percent of power. And the bottom line, he's doing all. I believe that the more you believe in God, the more you you unbelieving, you, the more you the more I guess I don't with I want to call the word humble, the more you are submissive and feel less about yourself. I don't know, the less you feel about yourself and you take credit yourself. So I don't take credit for anything, really not anything. You know I mean, I'll say this to people, and I know other people and they say this to people and they say I'll never take credit. They say, I really enjoyed that talks is then let me tell you something had nothing to do with me. Believe me, if I showed up, it would be a different talk. You know what I mean? I pray every day before I say Nice said, Lord made the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart being Saimble to you, my Lord, and say am and that's it. I just give it all them. I say, listen, I don't know what I'm going to say, but I'm going to put you in charge. I'm getting I'm out of here. You know what I mean, because I'm just you know what I would do? I would just try to, you know, whatever make myself look good or some sort of I wouldn't say any of this shit, not a name room, not anywhere, because, you know, I've have to start worrying about what people are thinking about me, because I know people don't want me here this stuff. I say some crazy shit, and they don't know. You don't hear the stuff in that you know, hear any of this stuff in other rooms? Do you? Yeah, because they want, because people want to show off and they want to they don't want people to they they don't want people not to like them, and they and they, vanity, vanity. It's all vanity, you know. And all I do is I just going to tell him the truth about the way I am and what's happened to me, which is what we're supposed to do, and let the chips fall where they may. All I know is when I walk out of here. I know, I know, the God of I understand this. please. That's all I care about. That the God am I understand is please. Now I got to tell you something. It was a long time getting here and I got a long ways to go, just like you guys have a long ways to go. But here's the deal with you guys, and then we're going to end this. You no longer have an excuse, you no longer have this. You know what I say these guys? They call me up, who that have twenty years or thirty years and not doing well. I say I got some great news for you. This is this isn't going to take three months or six months or two years. You're going to get you can cry just like that. You're just a decision away. You're just a decision away. That's all you are. You just the decision away, a decision away for God of the world, God is either everything or he is nothing. Half measured, the value nothing. The big book points to what the situation is. The founders point of what. You're just a decision away. You can walk out here, you can laugh at everything I said, and so that was kind of crazy shit. I never got to do that stuff, or you could say, you know, that guy made sense to me. He's the only guy to make sense to me. You know now I've heard something makes some sense. It's it's your decision. You're just a decision away. You can either have faith that's not a working faith that remains barren and meaningless because you're chasing your your horn for the world, or you can believe all the the with the majority of people...

...on they that says we don't talk about that Shit, and that's the only thing is worth talking about. After you get sober. That's the only thing is it's worth talking about. Believe me, the means between nineteen thirty five nineteen forty five were different than the means we have today. You got to read talked about in the good old time to see what was going on. You can go you couldn't go into me unless you got down on your knees and gave your life to God. You guys don't know that. I know that because I read. Read talked about the good old times. It's different deal going on. They didn't have between nineteen thirty five and nineteen forty they didn't have any big book. They have the Bible that's what they used. You know. So you're tellte your own opinion. You just not tilt your own fact. So that's it. I have nothing more to share. Thank.

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