AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 2 months ago

Russell S. Talk 7 at the Solutions Group 11/17/2021 – “Just A Decision Away”

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Russell S. Talk 7 at the Solutions Group, West Dixie Club, Miami, FL 11/17/2021 - “Just A Decision Away”

Hi, my name is Russell spats. I'm an alcoholic and it's great to be here at these thanks that I'man alcohol bit great to be here at the Solutions Group for the steps series. Haven't found that start to have a drink since January twenty two, onethousand nine hundred and eighty one, and it's my pleasure to be here.And this is the seventh week. And if I don't know, you've noticedthis, because I haven't done this since in the last six weeks. Ihave a twelve and twelve in my hand this this is actually an indication thatI may actually be talking about the seventh step now. I know some ofyou have been here are saying, well, after, after six weeks, there'sa six weeks of a step series. This is a fine time to decideto start talking about the steps. You know what I mean. Sois that for me? I don't know. I can't compete. I can't competewith that. Okay, is it off? Oh, so, soyou mean I'm competing with the Department of Correction? Story of your list,story of my life. Yeah, the farm. Okay, well, thankyou. Appreciate you're being here. I'm sure you appreciate being here. Youprobably appreciate being here more than I appreciate being here. You always got toconsider the alternatives, right, so it's good to be here. So Iam going to talk about sick I. I've mentioned this, I think lastweek. If I had enough, maybe I mentioned it up and boke upwhere I'll be doing it tomorrow. I my favorite steps to talk about,although I talk about all of them and I think they're really all sort ofmushed in together and one big milkshake with me. You know, if I'mtalking about my life and I live my life today, I'm talking about allthe steps. They not sound like it, but you know, after you dothis thing over and over again for seven years, wax on, waxoff, lax on, wax off, you know you see you no longerlike do the steps. You just sort of live in your life and hopefullyyou're living the steps and you're living this program and you've gone through that transformation. I'm sure I'm still going through that transformation, like you're going to thetransformation. We're all going through the transform it. You know, some ofyou here are sober. You know. You know thirty years, twenty years, fifteen years and five, three months. No matter how long you're sober,even if it's one day, you're not the same person with the sameideas and the same mindset as you were three months ago. We're three yearsago, we're ten years ago, no matter where you are, you've changed, because that's what happens here. You can't remain the same. You remainthe same, you can end up drinking, just associating with the people in thissteal and trying to stay sober. One day at a time. You'regoing to change. You know when Roland Hazard when in this treatment center inthe nineteen hundreds, I think, the early twenty century, and ran intoDr cal young and after around six months or twenty eight days, whatever hellthey did over there in Europe, and he said now, knowing the handworkings of my mind, the idea of drinking again was impossible now that Iunderstand what my problem is. And then it says right after that, neverthelesshe was drunk. In a few weeks we went back to the doctor andhe said, I understand what's wrongly, what's the story? and Dr JunkYoung said these words. I read the big I haven't necessarily memorized about I'veread it so many times that I pretty much have it down. Doctor Youngsaid something like this. He said you have the mind of a chronic alcoholic. By the way, we have any chronic out we have any alcoholics inhere. So I want to tell you, and I don't mean this figuratively,I mean this literally, he's talking to you. I don't know youfringing this out yet one day you may figure out the fact that the reasonwhy these are textbooks is because we all have a common disease, a commondisease, and there's a common cure, there's a common repreat, there's acommon thing we do, and so if it's in the big book, it'sand if some something, if somebody's talking about in the big book, they'retalking to you. You. Now, the fact that you don't realize they'retalking about you, or the fact that you're still saying things like you don'tunderstand me, or I'm different, or you don't whatever that is, justmeans you just haven't come to the insight...

...yet that you'll get to after repeatedhumiliations, in the final question your self sufficiency. But one day you'll seeyourself in every page of the big book. Hopefully, and so doctor young said, you have the mind of a chronic alcohol I have never been successfulwith a person with this type of mind. Exists and no doctor, using medicalmeans or devices it's ever been successful with an alcoholic. No Pale hasever been successful with alcohol. Or they can keep you sober. They youmay, they may start you off and they may get you so you're noton alcohol for five, D and Ten, fifteen, twenty years, but youwon't be rocketed in the fourth dimension of existence. You won't experience muchof Heaven. You'll be pretty much the way you are in a a whenyou're not when you're not doing the real deal. Sober but fucked up,sober but crazy, sober but restless, sober but irritable. Sober but upsetable, sober but not at peace, sober but lonely. Sober but lonely lookingfor its distractions. So you want to sober but scared. Sober but fearful, sober but jealous, Solber, but sober but craving things, money,power, prestige, Romance. Sober but not sober, not emotionally sober,not not emotionally sober, not the sober that Bill Wilson's talking about. Whenhe wrote the essay on emotional sobriety, said the real problem with alcoholics isunhealthy dependencies, and he wasn't talking about alcohol because at Twenty Three Years Sober, at twenty three years sober, this is twenty three years, twenty,no, twenty years after the big book was written and eleven years after thetwelve and twelve was written. Twenty three years sober, he was going crazy. You know that guy that we all talked about. By the way,Bill Wilson is not my higher power. I mean I love them. Ithink he was the finally inspired Aa is not my higher power. My sponsorswere not my head. They were at one point. People were one pointruling one point. Was My higher power. Bill Wilson, at twenty three yearssober, was going down to toobs. I'M NOT SAYING ANYTHING AGAINST BILL Wilsonbecause it applies to almost everybody I've seen in alcoholics and anost that I'verun into just the other day I called me up and he had almost twentyyears sobriety. Somebody suggested that he listened to a tape or recording it.He gave me a call because he was was dying. You know I'm dyinghere. You know what's it like when you have ten years Ober, twentyyears Ober, five years Ober, three months ober, and you're doing everythingthey telling you, doing a a, you're sponsoring people, you're doing service. You know, you'n I even craven alcohol anymore. You don't even havethe obsession and you're not happy with your sobriety in the big book. Thatsays here and there once in a while, and alcohol drive the moment. SaysI feel better, look better, having a better time, like aboy whistling in the grave guard, he says. We laugh at such salad. We know we'll try the old game again because he's not happy with hissobriety. Soon will know loneliness is fue do we wish for the end?They'll be at the jumping off place. You know, I when I firstread that many, many years ago, I thought he they must be talkingabout. You know, when you can understand why somebody who's brand new intothe program who comes in and I've heard them say, hey, everything's great, I'm fine, I got no problems, the next thing you know the drunk. But he could be talking about Twenty Bill Wilson at twenty three orsober. And at twenty three or sober, Bill Wilson wrote an essay called emotionalsobriety because he was trying to figure out, as we try to figureout as we go through this, what happens when you're an AA and you'renot drinking and you feel like bill dots and felt and alcohol S. I'msome three. I knew there was something more, something I hadn't got,something a person ought to have or release,...

...something that I knew other people hadbut I couldn't get. What happens when you're an AA and you've experienced, maybe you got ten years or fitten years and everyone's while you've experienced oneor two promises. You know you experience a promise here, a promise there, feeling to peace and feeling of happiness, a feeling to joy, maybe evena feeling of gratitude. It becomes a part of your life and youknow you but, but, but then it goes away and then it comesback and it goes away and you're you're constantly started doing this this Yo yothing between knowing that that sort of wife, that rocketship in the fourth dimension lifemust exist somewhere, but it's not existing in you, because so youdo as you get a taste of it, then it's gone. You got totaste of it, and then you're broke again, you got to tasteof it, and then you're alone again. You got to taste of it,and then somebody disappoints you. It seems like you're always playing catch up, no matter how hard. What happens when that happens? And and soDr Young said, he said you have the mind of chronic alcohol he says, I've never been successful with that state of mind exists. And he says, is there no hope? And he says here and he says, Ican't help you. I'm a doctor, I can't help you. There's nokill for integrity, there's no pill for that. Would you get away loneliness? I mean, you know, I said this last week. We gottaYuck out of it. It's true. You know, you go to adoctor and you feel this alcoholism coming upon you and you describe the symptoms ofalcoholism to the doctor. You say, I'm I'm feeling lonely, depressed,I'm very depressed, you know, like a whatever you want to say,whatever the symptoms are. You know he's going to write your script, andwhen he writes you that script, what he's saying to you is listen,I have no idea what the Hell is wrong with you, but suck onthese things so that will keep you quiet, you know what I mean, andthen I can work on somebody who has a real problem. You know, I can't turn you into a freaking adults. You know what I mean. I mean you're you're forty five years old, you're thirty years old andyou're like a six year old thumb sucking crybaby. I don't know, allI got is this pail. You know, suck on it, you'll be ableto go to sleep or something. You know, what are you doingwhen you're an a and a's not working? What do? What do you dowhen you're an a and a working for you? You know it's aproblem, and the sixth and seven step are called old timers steps. Youknow why? Because it's a real engine that gets the thing moving for usafter we stop drinking, when drinking is no longer the issue, when theonly issue, when drinking, which is just the symptom, is no longerthe problem, when the obsession to drink is no longer the problem. Whenyou finally realize that, when the book said alcohol is but a symptom ofour disease. Are Real disease centers in our mind, not a body.He when you really understand that if you're an alcohol you're insane, you're notyour mind is not well, sober or drunk, sober or drunk, thatit's not the booth, it's the brain. And you probably figured out that youdon't have like a spare bent brain in the trunk. So what DrYoung said to him was? He said, basically, he said you got themind of an alcoholic. I can help you. No doctor can helpyou. Listen, our book says no human being can help you. Godcouldn't would if he was sought. He says you must have a psychic change. God has to become this is the arch way, this is the freehe says. God has to be. It's that you got to have anew employer. He's going to be your employer. You know, yeah,he's going to be. He's the principle. You're the agent. You know.That's the deal. He's the central fact your life. The great factis this and nothing less. He said this he said, you must havea complete psychic change. Well, what does that look like? Him?This is the way Dr Young described it, and I sort of like his description. He said ideas, emotions and attitudes, which is pretty much everythingthat's going on your brain. You know, ideas, emotions and attitudes. Ideais emotions and attitudes, mostly emotions, mostly feelings, which lead to attitudes, which leads the decisions. You know, ideas, emotions attitudes,which are the guiding force, of forces of your life. It's determines whereyou're going to go, what you're going...

...to do, who you hang itgoing to hang out with, how you going to feel about yourself. Ideas, emotions and attitudes that are and have been the guiding force of Your Life. Sober, become shifted to one sign and they become and you become dominated, dominated, but a whole new set of ideas, emotions and attitudes,and big book, the way it calls it's like you're reborn. You becomelike a new person, and it's six and seven. When it's six,is the step, not three, not to, not for, not five, none of those steps. Don't worry about it. We're on to younow. You're under our protection. This is like the church. They can'tcome and get you in here. Of the church. Ideas, emotions andattitudes that are the guiding for that shift to one side and we have awhole new set of ideas, emotion, statitude. We're reborn than new creations, New People. And what six and seven says is it's says. What'sthat? This is the real third step, not the third step. I'm notputting down thirds about love. The third step isn't not the God step. No, it's not the God step. Six and seven are the gods steps. Third Step. Listen, I did the third step. Sat's getdown on your knees. Sat's get down on your knees. That's the suggestion. Let's say a third step prayer. It's a nice prayer. I haven'tmemorized it. You know, God, I give myself to you and allthat sort of stuff. That kind of I got down on my knees beforeI can day and I think it had an effect and I gave my lofeto Jesus. I mean I'm a Jewish Gift Fro New York. I'm twelveminutes. It's Christmas morning, three o'clock the morning. Nine when was onethousand nine hundred and eighty, the summer and twenty five. I get downand he says, I said, I asked Jesus come to my life atthe prompting of the past. It was on TV, because my life wasruined and I want to get better. And I and I said the center'sprayer. I'm a center and I need guys said, I think it hadit turns out it had an effect. You'd be here. Hey, listen, don't laugh at this shit. You know, you start to you startgetting on your knees and you ask God for help, he's gonna he's goingto work some deals on you, you know, over a period of time. And and so I'm not saying the third step doesn't have an effect act, but the third steps not weird. It's that I know it's not whereit's at, because the big book, I believe the Big Book. Thelonger I'm Soa with, the longer I believe the big book. I've gonea ten years sober. I had to go. I I reached the pointin ten years Ober like Bill Wilson Look Rip Reach his point at twenty threeyears, and I had to realize that something I was missing something. Iwas doing everything and the group banquet chairman for two years in row on thereal aid for eight years straight on Day County, sponsoring anything that moved,doing the whole bit, you know, speaking around rooms and doing this stuffand everything, at conventions, all that stuff. And I wasn't happy withmy sobriety and I know where to go because I don't know where to turnwhere you're not happy. He said, don't really go to means I wasgoing to four meetings a day. I wasn't happy with my sobriety. Youknow, I had good sponsors and everything. I wasn't like you know, andsome of guys suggest that I go to Bible study. First thing Isaid, it is it? No, I can't do that. Doesn't saythat a big book. You should do that. Well, it does say. It does say in the big book we encourage church membership. It doessay in Dr Bobbo though, good old timers, the books we found absolutelyessential. We're first going to in thirteen, sermon on the Mount, the bookof James. What it also says in the big book and Chap Twoagnostics, as it says, if a mere code of morals of better philosophyof life would have helped us be sober long time ago. It didn't helpus. We had that means. We had wrote a book where we hadto find the power and we have to talk about God. And it alsosaid in the big book, if you're dealing with alcoholics, this is wherethey're going to say no. This is where they're going to say no.This is where you the rubber meets the road, and that little part whereit says, if you want we have and you're willing to go to anylength to get it, then you're ready to take certain steps. This iswhen we find out WHO's ready. You know, you ready to go tomeans? Yes, ready to sponsor people? Yes, you ready to do themeeting? Well, I don't know what I'm ready yet, but I'lldo it. Yes, you're ready to do the fourth step. Yes,you ready to do it for yes, you ten years sober. You're doingeverything in the as is. Ready to go to Bible study? No,no, I'll go to more meetings.

I'll do an inventory this time.I'll do it right. You know what I mean. I'll pray, butthis is ready to but no, not ready to do that. Well,they suggest that they say there's a mafic. They encourage it. They say mostof us do this. You're ready to know, they say. First, they said the books they found absolutely essential at first, with the inthirteen, starting to know, they say, went out a lot of any youcan. Don't talk about it. Listen. Here's the bottom line.There are consequences to decisions, and this ain't address rehearsal. This is yourlife. Ninety years old, eighty years old, hand, stop drinking,you're miserable. Whatever it is you know, you say shit. Maybe I shouldhave done that. What held me back? Intellectual Pride, Dr Bobsaid, or, if you're an atheist, at Nostagram, some other form ofintellectual thought, pride that keeps you from doing this. We feel sorryfor you. Your heavenly father will never let you down. Father's spellbled thecapital left. What the Hell do you think he was talking about? BillWilson said, the Lord has been so wonderful to me, curing me ofthis trouble disease. I got to keep talking about and telling the other peoplewhat the hell you think they're talking about. Says God has to become your Creator, has become the central fact of your life. You know, youmust be convinced that loves in your heart and mine way, which is deep, miraculous. He's doing few with the TETTOO. For Yourself, but thehell you think they're talking about? Once you make the selfish, that selfselfcenteredness, unless we get rid of this, you know it's going to kill us. God makes that possible. Once you make a sense here, decisionfor God, not hp for God, when you finally call him by nameand not ashamed, because you know why. You never apologize for him anymore becauseyou don't feel like you have to apologize for anybody, because you're focusedon him. You're not focused on whether or not somebody likes you in ana room. There's not even paying your visa mill. You know what Imean, because you graduate, you're not as sphere of other people. Youknow, what do you think they're talking Mooten, he says. So giveyou everything you need if you stay close to him, him form. Youjust work. Well, how do you stay close to him? You dothings where you stay close to people that are always talking about God. Butmost people in a is going to, are going to say now they're evengoing to get mad at you and get pissed, just like was a chapterof the agnostics. That's what happened with Bill Wilson. He says in thebook. The guy says, I it's a new deal, it's a formerreally, it's like religion. I got a new religious idea. So buildingseas. I can't buy into that Shit. That's what he said. Read thebook. He says, I can't do that. I don't believe ina person of God. I don't believe it is our universe. I don'tbelieve in any of that stuff. He says. Well, Bill, I'lltell you what to get in. Why don't you just believe whatever God youunderstand God to you just make up something, you know, whatever you can handleright now. and Bill said, I that I can do but itwas never a tent intended to be something that is applauded. You don't endup there at thirty years. You're supposed to end up there at ten years. And most people in a WHO love the idea of not having God.I've decided that what a stands for is that atheism is okay. They've decidedthat with a big book. Really stands for is the fact that you canbelieve in anything you can believe yourself as God. You know, good orderlydirection. Just believe good on a La Direction. Get it, Gee,Oh d if you're an alcoholic, you can buy into any bullshit that thatsays. Well, that's God because it says good early direction. By theway, who would be determining the good order the direction? Oh yeah,that would be you. That be you, because you, because you know,you're thinking, is God, because you've got intellectual pride and that keepsyou from God. And what intellectual pride is is you ain't going to believein anything you don't understand. You will not believe in anything you don't understand. And the only people that make it an Aa be rock in the fourthdimension of existence. The real faith is when you believe in Shit that youdon't understand. For an alcohol to think that he understands everything and he's smarterthan anything in the universe and he understands how everything works and he gets hisis the height of Arronans, the height of arrogance. You wouldn't understand.If I talked about my faith to you, you might understand, you might understandunderstand it, but you would say, basically, I don't get it.And Guess. And so since you don't get it and you don't understandit, you ain't never going to do it. So you don't even haveto worry about my deal, what's going on, my deal, because youain't never going to have it, because you're not going to believe in anythingyou don't understand. And I feel sorry for you, because when you startbelieving and stuff you don't understand, life becomes fucking miraculous. It becomes miraculous. So how can I, how can I talk to people that will onlybelieve in things that they understand? You...

...know, like this is what DrYoung said to him. He said, look, medical science can help you. I can't help you. You have to have a psychic change, somesort of spiritual spiritual whatever that means, transformation. It's a God thing.You know, I don't understand it. I can't even do it to you. I can't do it. You know, you're the one who's got to haveto. I don't know. Some people, many are called, butfew are chosen. And so you got the six step and says this isthe step that separates the men from the boys, not the third step,not the not the fourth of fifth. This is the step that separates themen from the boys, and this is the definition of the six step.Anyone, any person, who is willing to work on his defects of characterso we can get closer, to grow in the image and likeness of hiscreator, with the capital Sy, the image and likeness of God, andit's willing to work that way, is truly a man who's we can findhis trying to grow in God. DMAGE. That's the same. I'm not makingthis shit up. That's what it says in the boot. You know, you know how many people try to do this without that deal, withoutthe God thing. You you can't. But I get calls all the timefrom guys with twenty, five, thirty years and gals long term sobriety andthey're not happy. It's always because of the sixth and seventh step. It'salways because God is not the centerpiece of their lives. You know, Iyou know. It's always because it's not about God, it's about women ormen or money or romance. You see, you can believe, you can sayyou believe in God, but have you unbelieved in the world? See, it's not what you believe in God, it's whether you have the capability tounbelieve in the world. It's the capability. If you can unbelieve thata man isn't going to make you happy, if you've got unbelieve that a womanis not going to make you happy, if you can unbelieve that sex isnot the answer, if you can unbelieve that money is not the answer, if you can unbelieve that everything you've lust it over in this world upto this point and continue to do so because you can't stop. And whena person keeps on suffering the same bullshit over and over go again, thesame sadness and depression and frustration and anger because he can't get this or can'thave that, or he needs this or he needs that, says it allabout book job or no job, my money or no money, he says, woman or no woman, wife or no wife. Don't let any alcoholicthink you can't do this thing unless he has stuff, and that applies tosomebody with twenty years sober or one day, so he says. The real dealis you got to focus of Goton God. You cannot, it wassaid eight thousand years ago and the Bible. You can't love God and the worldat the same time. Listen, half measures value nothing. Listen,there is no middle of the road solution. Hey, God is everything or he'snot. Thy Listen, this is in my fricking opinion, this isquotes from our literature. What do you think they're talking about? Well,I know what you I know what's going on because when we have when Paul, one of the consequences of alcoholism, I've told you this before. I'mnot going to go through the same story because you've heard it, but I'velearned it about myself, is when you're told something and you're an alcohol andsomething is explain to you, or you read something when you're an alcoholic andyou don't like it, it confuses you. You understand? I'll have people comeup to me after me. He says, you know, I lovewhen you said this was I love when you said this, and I'll sayyou mean when I quoted from the Big Book and they say yeah, Younghenyou quoted that thing from bid by. I said, well, that's fromthe big book. He says yeah, but it's the way you said it. And what they're really trying to say to me is I never saw that. I never I know, I never thought of it that way. Imean, I know it's in there, but I never thought it was likethat important, you know what I mean? And everybody that's has problem in thisthing, it feels is, does the same thing. So I wantto read you something from step seven and the big book, and this I'mreading like in the middle of a paragraph. We never thought it said, onesays. Well, I mean seeing. Seldom did we look at character buildingas something desirable in itself, something...

...we would like to strive for,whether, I'm stinctual needs were met or not. We never thought of makinghonesty, tolerance and true love of Man and God the daily basis of ofliving, true love of God the basis of daily living. So what haveI told you? I love my wife, and I do love my wife,but what have I told you? I love my wife, but Igot three women on the side. Know what? If I told you that, what have I told you? Know, I love my wife, I reallydo love her. I don't want a divorce, but I have threewomen I see on the side that I have sex with. How would youfeel about what would you think about me? By the way, that's not true. Just in case you, my wife, ever heard you don't believeit. You know. Now what if I told you that, how wouldyou do? What would you think about that love I have? You wouldsay, well, you don't really love you, but because if you lovedyour wife, you wouldn't have three women on the side. So don't tellme you love God when you're whorrying for the world. Don't tell me youlove God when your world worse, when you spend when you spend five minutespraying to God in a room, perfunctorily, because everybody's doing it and you callthem hp you know what I mean, and you spend ten hours out therelusting and running after and thinking about everything in the world. Don't tellme you love God. He's not a central fact of your life. He'sjust something you talk about an a meetings. So, just in case you thinkI'm kind of crazy here, I may be crazy, but the godswho wrote this book are kind of crazy too, because this is what theysay. You never thought of make an honesty, tolerance and true love ofMan and God the daily basis of living. The lack, this lack of anchorageto any permanent values, this blindness. I love and and what is that? Amazing Grace. Everybody's heard this song. Amazing Grace. I don'tcare with you creuse, it says amazing grace. How sweet the sound thatsaved the wretch like me. I once was lost and I'm the fountain.Was Blind. And now, I said, people walk around these rooms blind,totally blind. And not only are they blind, when they hear thetruth, they get mad at it. They make up some stupid excuse.Will don't talk like that. You'll scare with a newcomer. Scare them towhere? Where are they going? Oh, I because I said God or Jesusare going to go out and drink. Why, I got news for you. That's going to make them drink. They ain't last and long anyway,and then don't come back. If they make it back, and theywon't scare him way. This lack of Achorage that any permanent values is blindnessto a true person. Of Our lives produced another bad result. Here's thebad result. For just so long as we were convinced that we could liveexclusively by our own individual strength and intelligence, other ways we could manage our lives, get the stuff in our lives, get the money in our lives,get the sex in our lives. Get the romance in our lives forjust so long as we are, we're avanced that we could live exclusively byour own dividual strength intelligence for just that long. Was a working faith ina higher power impossible. This was true even when we believe that God existed. So you can tell me I believe in God. Oh yeah, Ibelieve in God. Even if we believe that God existed as a God,what does it matter if he's not really a part of our lives? Whatdoes it matter if we haven't surrendered to him? We could actually have earnestreligious beliefs which remain barren. I don't think that's a good thing. Whenthey say remain barren, what do you think? Because we were still tryingto play God ourselves. As long as we play self reliance first, agenuine reliance on a higher power was out of the question. That basic ingredientsof all humility, humility which is what the seven stuff is all about,humbly asking him, a desire to seek and do God's will, was stillmissing. And every guy who I talked to who has ten, twenty,thirty years sobriety, who was in trouble. He's in trouble because he hasn't surrenderedhis life goddess and sitting on the throne of his art. In myparticular religion we call it Lordship. You know, you say you believe inGod, but he has nothing to do with your life. something. Youtalk about a name, eating once in a while and even worried about talkingabout that, you know. So you call him nicknames or something. Sohere's the good news. So now I get I was going to give myspeech on you mill you know, seven...

...step as to humility. So letme talk about the seven and let me tell you something. If anybody's goingto talk about humility, you got the right fucking guy here. Let metell you something. I'm the guy to talk about that. I was goingto get my speech on humility tonight, but I never do it with agroup this small. You understand what I'm saying. Use It's a larger group. So, you know, here's the problem. If I'm going to givea talk about humility and I'm going to tell you the truth, I haveto get real personal about this, you see, because I can't bullshit.So I got to tell you what that means to me. You See,here's the problem. I'm supposed to talk about humility and humbly asking him andhow to humbly ask God, and I'm a selfish, a selfish, defective, evil, self centered jerk. So the problem is I'm supposed to talkto you about my story, because our story is about humility and what itmeans to me, and I'm a selfish, dysfunctional jerk. That's the bad news. The more bad news is on the planet right now there's just alot of jerks just like me. So you're probably not going to find anybody. They're all going to be selfish, self centered jerks. It's the modelthat came down from the factory. You know, nobody in here isn't thatis in a selfish, self centered Jurek all of them. Now, mysponsor, John Glenn, to me was the closest thing to an unselfish,humble person, but I have to say, and he's in heaven now with Lord, I love you, job, but I know you'll understand why Isay this. But even John Glenn, who I wish I could be like, if I can just ten percent of John Glenn, even he would haveto admit that he's a sinner, that he's a selfish and self center.Pete even have to. As a matter of fact, he wouldn't claim perfection. He would say I'm not. I'm not sinless, I just send less. You know what I mean. But I watch out of those guys thatsay listen to me, I'm humble, you know, and I'm not asinner. You know. Watch out for those glorks. So what's the deal? And so I'm just going to tell you my deal and you don't haveto do it and you don't have to even believe it, but I'm justtelling you because you know, that's that's you know, it's your story setsits close in John Way. What you it's your testimony. It's your story. That's important. That's what. That's what is authentic when you tell somebodyyour story and they identify. So you know, I can't tell something otherthan myself. Now understand this. I got forty years sobriety. I'm notsaying that, I'm not bragging, I'm just reporting. I got forty years. So I've been huffing and popping and trying to figure out this, likeBill Wilson at twenty three years going down to the ten years going now.I've been trying to work on this thing and work on this thing and workon this thing. So if I tell you the way I am today andwhat has happened to me today, don't be sitting here with three years orfive years or ten years saying, man, I'm really a screwed up or somethingbecause I can't get there. Understand that. You understand this thing.There's a reason why they say we get a new perspective by repeated humiliations andthe final crushing of our self sufficiency. There's a reason why they say youlearned the value of suffering. You know all it means. If you haven'tgotten here yet, okay, and believe me, I got a ways togo, because we all fall short of that deal. You know what Imean? Well, Short, we're all growing. It takes what does itsay in the twelve and twelve? It's a process that takes a lifetime.You know the way I'm falling apart. We're probably talking about maybe a coupleof weeks. You know what I mean. But I mean but it takes along time. So that that's the deal. It takes over a periodof time and if you haven't if you haven't figured out some things. Don'tworry about it. This world is filled with stuff that'll get what. I'llmake you suffer for the next ten, twenty, thirty years. You know, I'll trust me. Where do you get to be my age and yourbody starts falling apart? It's some really good stuff. You got to lookforward to, let me tell you, and going to look forward to somegood stuff. It's hard to it's hard to suffer much when year in yourtwenties and thirty s and you go to the gym and your buff, youknow, and you got all the girls around. You know, it's hardto taking this shit. You know what I mean. When you got power, you know what I mean, and you can actually walk, you know, without tripping, and you actually remember...

...why you walked into a room.You get something. You know what I mean. You know when you whenyou got your shit together and you're so you're so cool. It's hard toit's hard to imagine this ground. I start going to church when I wasten years Ober. I found my third sponsor. I sponsored by Bob Sullivanfor seven or eight years. Loved Him. I suffered by Joe Sneider until Ihad about fifteen years. At ten years I started going to church.Remember, they often, but I start going every day and I sat nextto a man named John Glenn. John Glenn was a Baptist minister and hewas an Alky. You had sixty years of Brit fifty or sixty years sprite. I can remember exactly how much. A lot of sobriety. When Joedied, I asked John to be my sponsor. John used to. Iused to go with the John to all these Bible Studies, because when youhang out with these people, like they say, I joined the Church,Kevin, Deacon the church. That's crazy. I told the pastor, big church. told the pastor. I said I'm crazy, I'm an out callit. I've got fifteen years. Yeah, we got a spot for a crazydeacon. You can have that spot. So I was a crazy dicat anybodycoming in the church that was crazy. They sent them to me. Butthere are mazing the church. Now get this, art is filled withsinners, with screwed up people. I'm telling these alcoholics in the church.You know, they don't advertise it. You understand what I'm saying. They'rethere. Let me tell you something. So if you want to go toa place where there's a lot of screwed up people looking to get better andto be okay, you know what I mean, and focused on God.You can't pick a better place. They don't apologize for God. Don't sayI'm sorry, I'm talking about the Lord. You know, hey is just readabout God, read about all the books they're reading. So I startgoing there with John Glenn and and next thing I know he's taking them,he's going. He's coming to me for an AA meeting and and he's comewith me and a meetings. I'm going to the Church and I'm going todifferent Bible sizes in and I don't it's not one of these things where,and I talk against this, it's some of these things where I went tochurch instead of a or I went where I went to a instead of church. I added on my I had went to more a meetings, I wentto more church. Well, you know what happens when you go to alot of a means you can go to a lot of church and go toa lot of Bible study. You just don't have time to think about theother shit because all you do, because the man you'll become depends upon thepeople I hang out with in the books you read, and the books readthe pad upon who you hang out with. So now I'm trying to make Godthe center piece of my life. I'm trying to focus on him,I'm trying to find out who he is and what he wants me to do. And everywhere I look there's people talking about God, and I'm even talkingabout God and a means with sponsors and everything like that. And so whatbetter way, you know, to get the things that most people never get? An A a. You got to be willing to do the shit thatmost people won't do. This as simple as that. And most people won'tdo this. Most people want he gets to that point where they're sort ofcoasting and they're not drinking, because it's nowadays all about not drinking. Wrong, but isn't that what it's about? On it. So you got fifteenyears. I'm get off my back. I get off my back. Idon't even feel like drinking. I'm fine, I haven't had a drink. Thatsaid, uns that's the best excuse for not growing in his image.Likeness. That's the best excuse for not doing the sixth and seven step.Just say, I have just pull out a medallion and say I haven't hada drink, that off my back and stick on that deal and see howthat works out. When you're twenty years sober, when you twenty five yearssober, when you got cancer, when your wife dies, when your sondies or something like that, something big happens, just pull out the chip. You know, when you're when you're dying and you got four months tolive, just pull off the fucking ship. You know what I mean. Topull out them a DALLION. Just see, just see whether the SolutionsGroup of Alcoholics and IMO IS gonna be jumping in the grave with you.Just see how it's working for you. So all I did was I justfought. How about this? This is creast for an uncle. I justfollowed directions. I just did when I was told, because God will letyou see in your life with these Eskimos, of these people telling you all sortsof things, and you'll leave us say maybe I'm supposed to do thisthing. So that's right. Really, aumility, when you think about itand you're throwing an intellectual pride, when you're trying to figure out what's doing, all the sudden somebody appears in that your life one of these guys andsay why don't you try this? And you can either say no, thanks, I'm not ready to do that, or you can say maybe God istrying to tell me something and you can do it. You know, whenyou surrender and you do something, you don't even know why you're doing it, but you think that you know why not? You don't. You don'tsay nobody out of fear because you worry...

...about what they'll think about getting ayou just go ahead and do it. So I did it. Sorry,she's not doing all the insalts on. Now I'm hanging around John Glenn andhe's hanging around different people, introducing me different people. Now I'm going outto dinner. Now I'm going out to dinner with him all the time,and lunch and breakfast. Is My sponsor. I got fifteen twenty years. Hewas my sponsor for third twenty years and I'm sitting down. I'm sorrybecause I you can look at me. I like to eat. This iswhat are you doing? It said, I mean he says, we Kennedy, we've got to give Lord thanks. Now we're not in an a room. Now we're sitting at Danny and there's people there people, people in Danny, and he's wants the ballance head and pray in front of people, youknow, like, what are they going to think about me? Not goingto give a shit what people think about me, you know what I mean. And so he thosanding this one of these long prayers and he says now, Russell, the foodal taste better because it has that special ingredient. God, that doesn't that sound cool to you? It's so on. I was sounc I was so d hipped by this guy. I became so uncool. You hang around guys like that, you know what happens. You startpraying all the time, you start thinking about scripture and they all the time. You start drawing the lines and connecting the dots all the time and oneday you wake up and you don't have to turn anything over to God becauseyou live in it. Turns over ly you wake up thinking about the Lord. You go to sleep thinking about the Lord. Every day. You're think, I'm in the car about Lord. You don't, and you know somewhat a real weird thing happens. You start thinking about the Lord all thetime, thinking about God, thinking about him, and you stop thinking aboutgetting laid you're laughing. You don't know what it's like. It's killed andit's killing you, isn't it? He's kill I know, it's killing me. I know, because how old are you? Oh Man, it's abitch, isn't it? When you wake up in the morning, is today, today, and you know, I mean it's terrible, you know,trying to be a lounge lizard. I wanted what she had and as whento go to any length to get it. It's a bitch, trying to runafter the money and the women and the cars and the sex and allthe crab you know, and all that stuff, ladies night, is abitches. And Yeah, it's a bitch. And all of a sudden you startthinking about him and you stop thinking about all that other stuff in theworld that's really driving you're crazy that you depend on the pond that you're addictedto, because when you can't stop and you don't know how to stop andyou're doing the same think it over again in the same worrying and it doesn'tlisten to this. It doesn't make you feel good, it makes you feelhorrible. That's what you complain about. The meetings. Let's have a meanon relationship. It's always about sex and romance. It's not about God,because everybody in the ass they the same. Well, people's anonymous. They don'twant to tell about God. They want to talk about one. AmI going to have a new romance? What am I going to be ableto get married? Whenever they want us what they want to talk they wantto talk about the same sickness that got him in here. It's everyone's whyI've got like me that they mentioned this as I don't don't. You wantedup like rust. And so here's what happened to me, and here's theway I am right now. You know, because I focus on God and I'mand I'm telling you right now, I'm an evil asshole. You understandwhat I'm saying. You can tell I'm not exactly you know, I'm notexactly Primetime Christian. You I can tell you that. You know I usethe man of Unclean Lips, I use hers words and everything like that.But but here's what's what it is right now. I've been doing this stuffso long that I they brainwashed me. I told my well, I'm toldmy sponsor. I said, I don't know what you do in your brainwash. Me Said maybe your brain needs washing. What do you think they're doing onTV to you when they show a what's that? What's that stuff theyuse the commercial way you have sex to your nine years old and that group. What do you think they're doing to you when these guys that are worthmillions of dollars and they throw billions of dolls on TV have and we showa picture of a couple of eighty year olds having sex on the beach andthey're saying, you know, and they say take this drug and you'll beable to do this and you'll be you'll be like an age year old.You think there's a little brainwashing going on in this world. You think there'sa little brainwashing going on in the movies and TV, telling you that ifyou only had the girl or the guy, you think there's you know, it'sall brainwashing. So my sponsor said maybe you need maybe your brain needswashing. So now here's my deal. Here's all I know about humility.Well, I know about humility is because us, I focus on God allthe time. He's the centerpiece of my life, that I feel like BillWilson does. The Lord has been so...

...wontful to me crew me this terribledisease that I want to keep talking about him and telling other people and talkingabout the stuff that talks about God in this book, because I'm grateful tohim, because anything I am that's decent or good or any change I've hadhas come from God for me. And at the same time there's a,and I don't even know how to explain this, is a certain degree ofsadness that goes along with that joy, because I realize how, in asense, I disappoint him so much by not by still not being as goodas I could be. The good news for me is the God, amI understanding, loves me anyway. If you read this, I can bea total wat job and he's still crazy about me and he I don't Idon't have to sit there and feel guilty about it. I don't sit theren'tworry about because he know, I know, he loves me exactly the way Iam. So I'm like not depressed about it. But what happens isI have this intense feeling that when I screw up, I wish I coulddo better. I wish I could do better, you know, for him, not in for me, just for him. You know, I believethat I may be wrong about this, that that has I believe that themore you believe in God, you know, and the more you love God,and the more you realize what God is doing for you and that you'repowerless and there is one who has all power. You don't even have fivepercent of power. And the bottom line, he's doing all. I believe thatthe more you believe in God, the more you you unbelieving, you, the more you the more I guess I don't with I want to callthe word humble, the more you are submissive and feel less about yourself.I don't know, the less you feel about yourself and you take credit yourself. So I don't take credit for anything, really not anything. You know Imean, I'll say this to people, and I know other people and theysay this to people and they say I'll never take credit. They say, I really enjoyed that talks is then let me tell you something had nothingto do with me. Believe me, if I showed up, it wouldbe a different talk. You know what I mean? I pray every daybefore I say Nice said, Lord made the words of my mouth and themeditation of my heart being Saimble to you, my Lord, and say am andthat's it. I just give it all them. I say, listen, I don't know what I'm going to say, but I'm going to putyou in charge. I'm getting I'm out of here. You know what Imean, because I'm just you know what I would do? I would justtry to, you know, whatever make myself look good or some sort ofI wouldn't say any of this shit, not a name room, not anywhere, because, you know, I've have to start worrying about what people arethinking about me, because I know people don't want me here this stuff.I say some crazy shit, and they don't know. You don't hear thestuff in that you know, hear any of this stuff in other rooms?Do you? Yeah, because they want, because people want to show off andthey want to they don't want people to they they don't want people notto like them, and they and they, vanity, vanity. It's all vanity, you know. And all I do is I just going to tellhim the truth about the way I am and what's happened to me, whichis what we're supposed to do, and let the chips fall where they may. All I know is when I walk out of here. I know,I know, the God of I understand this. please. That's all Icare about. That the God am I understand is please. Now I gotto tell you something. It was a long time getting here and I gota long ways to go, just like you guys have a long ways togo. But here's the deal with you guys, and then we're going toend this. You no longer have an excuse, you no longer have this. You know what I say these guys? They call me up, who thathave twenty years or thirty years and not doing well. I say Igot some great news for you. This is this isn't going to take threemonths or six months or two years. You're going to get you can cryjust like that. You're just a decision away. You're just a decision away. That's all you are. You just the decision away, a decision awayfor God of the world, God is either everything or he is nothing.Half measured, the value nothing. The big book points to what the situationis. The founders point of what. You're just a decision away. Youcan walk out here, you can laugh at everything I said, and sothat was kind of crazy shit. I never got to do that stuff,or you could say, you know, that guy made sense to me.He's the only guy to make sense to me. You know now I've heardsomething makes some sense. It's it's your decision. You're just a decision away. You can either have faith that's not a working faith that remains barren andmeaningless because you're chasing your your horn for the world, or you can believeall the the with the majority of people...

...on they that says we don't talkabout that Shit, and that's the only thing is worth talking about. Afteryou get sober. That's the only thing is it's worth talking about. Believeme, the means between nineteen thirty five nineteen forty five were different than themeans we have today. You got to read talked about in the good oldtime to see what was going on. You can go you couldn't go intome unless you got down on your knees and gave your life to God.You guys don't know that. I know that because I read. Read talkedabout the good old times. It's different deal going on. They didn't havebetween nineteen thirty five and nineteen forty they didn't have any big book. Theyhave the Bible that's what they used. You know. So you're tellte yourown opinion. You just not tilt your own fact. So that's it.I have nothing more to share. Thank.

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