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AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 1 month ago

Russell S. Talk 6 at the Solutions Group 11/10/2021

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Russell S. Talk 6 at the Solutions Group, West Dixie Club, Miami, FL 11/10/2021

Guys, my name's Russell. I'man alcoholic south disprove haven't found that I have a drink. I have.I had a drinks tenu and twousand two, one thousand nine hundred and eighty one. It's good to be with you, guys. I think we're somewhere aroundwho knows what the Hell is going on here, but supposedly around sixand seven, which are my favorite steps. Really, actually, I really likethose steps. Say. They call them all timers steps. I'm old. I've been around, you can tell by looking at me. I'm old. I'm seventy two and around here's my forty first year. So it's goodto be here. Sheldon, my emotionally support, my emotional support human isnot here tonight. You had a ballots hues. He told me he wasgoing to go to a James Taylor concert. Well, I don't take these thingspersonally. I told you, next time he feels like drinking and hehas a muzzle of the gun in his mouth, just call up James fuckingtailor something. You know, I'm give a shit. Does bother me.At least they didn't say I have to shampoo the parakeet or something. Youknow, or some sort of but I have gabby here, my almost doinga great job, then people in Zoom and I'm all over the planet,so it's good to see those people. It's all working out. So we'regoing to talk a little bit. I happen to love six and you know, the truth is, the absolute truth is, no matter what step I'mon, I'm always on six and Steven, because that's the step that separates themen from the Bois and, more than anything, if you want tosurvive this deal, if you want to be separated out from the children.You know, it's a great line and Dr about the good old timers.They said this is what they said. They said the books we found absolutelyessential for real serious sobriety, for first print in thirteen summon on the own, the book of James, and in first grintans thirteen, as it's oneline. When I was a child, I thought like a child, Italked like a child and I played like a child. When I became aman, I put childish things away. So I don't know whether there's suchthing as an alcoholic personality. Person I think there is one, you know, and I can almost listen, I can almost shake the hands of somebody. Don't let me drinking and listen to like three or four words I sayis I'm dealing with an alcoholic, you know. Just I'll show them theydon't know who they're screwing with. You know, why is this always happento me? I'm dealing with an alcoholic. I don't care whether you're drinking oryour horring yourself or whatever it is. I'm dealing with one of those personalities, you know, and that's the deal. So to me it's nota drinking think drinking just the symptom of the disease. Everybody, everybody hadto deal with a n a A. Nobody's drinking. Some of them,they don't drink for a week, a month, ten years, fifteen years. The disease I have centers in my mind rather than my body. Iwas an alcoholic withoutcoholic thinking. Was it say? The alcolohol of life seemsour only normal one. That's what it says. We can't separate the twofrom the false. With selfish, self centered Hud your forms of fear,you know that step on tones of others. They retaliate seemingly without provocation, butwe find we've made decisions based on our selfish systems of decision, tobe the position be heard that. So, if you're an alcoholic, it maytake some time. You may have to dry out a little and thenlisten, to do a few meetings for about podcast, Fifteen, twenty yearsand see yourself from the deal and pretty soon you're pretty much understand that you'reas crazy alcoholic as you ten years sober as you were when you first walkedinto doors. Because it doesn't have any do with alcohol. has to wouldlive in a palpable life, be a decent other people and loving other people. Are Not not thinking so much about yourself. As matter of fact,how I'm not thinking about yourself at all. I be a cool thing. Thenyou wouldn't have to worry about those...

...five thousand voices and your brain tellingyou all sorts of bad shit about other people and you and then yourself.You know, you wouldn't have to worry about that voice while you're driving thecar saying your n ass all do other kill your stuff. You have toworry about those voices you know telling you what a jerk you are. Youknow you can just sort of live your life. You won't have to spendmoney don't have on Shit. You don't need to impress people you don't like. You're not to keep on telling everybody and yourself that you don't care orwhat other people think about you and your whole life is one about other peoplethink about you. do any of that stuff. They just enjoy yourself.You don't have to live one of those if only, lie, only Iwas off, only had a new girlfriend, only I yet laid, if onlyI had money, if only I wasn't alone, if only I livedin Chicago, if only I had a new house, I only had anew drug, only had a car, money, whatever. You don't haveto do that Shit. You know what, if you just felt you're not worryabout what's gonna Happen Tomorrow. What happened last week? Why did Ido that? What are they thinking? You have to worry what people arethinking about you, which is a stupid thing, because nobody gives a shitabout you and nobody's thinking about you. You know, I took a pollbefore I get in here. I asked, really we asked Tenzero people randomly whatthey thought about every one of you guys sit here. Nobody even knowswho the fuck they are, you know. I mean any worry about they don't. They don't care. You know, you may be a jerk, butyou want to something. They don't know it, you know, yetuntil they run into you, like a serious disease. What do you leftthat serious disease time. So so this is a step that separates the menfrom boys. I know it is, because the trump trump and says thisis a step that separates the member of the boys. So apparently one ofthe things I've learned after forty years of doing this stuff is that the bigbook is right. It's right, even though you don't think it's right.You know it says some you know, just say some incredibly crazy rings.That by logic in the big book. Yeah, I think if you're analcohol you know, one of the things about the second step, one ofthe things I learned, is you're an out we've talked about this a lot. I'm not going to harp on it because we got about three or fourmeans on is that if you're an alcoholic, you're insane, you're crazy. Imean that's the bottom line. You're nuts. You may not know you'renuts. Trustful, you're crazy. You think crazy. If you didn't thinkcrazy, wouldn't be here and you don't think you're crazy. You know,I understand. You don't think you crazy, you think everybody else is crazy.You think I'm crazy, but trust me, you'll come around to myway of thinking. That the way. You know how you come around throughrepeat humiliations in the final question of yourself sufficiency. You know you go tojail a few times, you know you you get to run out of theHouse a few times, you know you you hit bottom. To tell you'llcome around to my way of think and eventually you know it's just this says, depends upon how many years you have to screw up. I Love Ilove the John Wayne Philosophy. Life is tough and if you're stupid it's eventougher. You know, I was the most intellient. I graduated departmental honorsin Mathematics, both of my PhD and Altrek topology. I ended up goingto law school become the chould say, certain this office. I had allsorts of degrees. I was most intelligent fuck up you can possibly imagine.I was stupid, unbelievable. It's all my sponsor, all for response orhe was in office. I had. I have a wall in my officeto go about twenty degrees. As a Bob, my sponsor co congrets withsixth grade. I said, Bob, these are my degrees. They saidrush spreckle phenomos have decresion. Know they do. You know, you runinto these guy, you know they say things in the big but what theysay? What's half measures of value? Nothing? You know, that's rightout of the big book. Now I know. I know for fact,for a fact that half measures will give you fifty percent. Well, inmy mind don't give you fifty percent. But then again, you hang aroundyour long enough and you see all these people doing half measures and you seehim peel off. Five years they drink, ten years, they drink fifteen years, they drink twenty, five years, they drank, thirty years. Theydrink. You know what they drink,...

...because it's all half measure of bullshit. You know that's all half. It's all. You know why theydrink. Half measures, all fucking half measures, all coasting half measures,all bullshit. You know, when they say you must get really solved ideas, the result is nail and dely. Let go. Absolutely they stay.They stay sober five years and years, twenty years, you know what Imean. And it's all all old ideas, all old bullshit. It's almost samething they talk about in the steps, just having done rid. They justtrying to try to coast, trying to do to stay sober, becausewe sober and do its live. Who is this shit as possible? Bookthat says you gotta you got to be convinced that God will do for you. You can't do for yourself. The book that says you want to rockingthe point a mention existence, you want to experience much of Heaven in peace. You want to lose fear of people in Backnptins, Dirney. It's realsimple. The great facts is this and nothing less than this, nothing lessonnothing less than this. Make God the set of piece of your life.They came the central fact of your line. Become convinced that he lives in yourheart and mind and the way we se miractous doing for you, butyou can't do for yourself. And I'm in a group with a bunch ofpeople, then they want to mention the work God and want to say hpor something cool, because they don't want anybody to think that they're not cool. That they're not cool. You know. So they don't want to, Godforbid the mistaken for somebody. It's going to church, even though theold timer, you know the old timers, you know in the big book thatsays we encourage Church membership. It's optional. It's optional. Don't letme scare you. It's optional. We encourage church membership. Most of usdo it because we know that the person you'll be in the next five yearswill depend upon the people young have with the books you read. The booksyou read will give you. I have with so most of us. You'all this, but since sure a bunch of Goofy Fox you know, likewill Wilson was when he first walked in here, when he said I couldnot go for a personal God, I could not go for a personal thought, I could not buy into that stuff. It kissed me off every time theymentioned it. Well, like it says in chapter the Agnostics, wasits Ay. It says, except from near Code of models or better philosphyof life would have would have solved our problem. We've been so long timeago, but it's solve our problem. Lack of powers, our de Liver, the was our the limit. So we had to find a power whichwould enable us to do this stuff, and that means we wrote a bookwhere we're going to talk about God and then, you know, it saysright here and here's where everything goes down the toilet, the hackles in thenext stand up. They get mad, they get angry. So we sayto them, the sick ones, the sick ones, the ones that aren'tsober. What we say to them is, well, don't worry about to tryyour own conception of God. Don't worry about ain't no big deal.But then we sort of throwing things like we lose prejudice, even against theorganized religion. We begin to see we're religious people are right. We begetting quickly to see where religious people are right. These were not religious haters, these are not gods of what ground saying I'm spiritual, not religious.You know what I mean? These are guys that were encouraging membership and organizationswhere there were people that were focusing on God because they knew that there willcome over time and every alcoholics life, where he's going to drink and theonly is going to save them. As to doing this relationship with God andhp may not work at that time, at that time. You got tohave something more solid. You know. Well, I'll tell it's gotten tough. I've had dancer twice. You know, when you get up there in age, you know when you're forty, you took you don't live forever.Thirty, think you live forever. You got up to around seventy two,seventy five years old, and everybody who's dying around your younger than you.You've had cancer a couple times. Every like that gets your fucking real.Get's real, man. You don't want...

...to be praying to something you don'tknow what the hell you're praying to. You're all alone. It's three o'clock. Yeah, you all ever been alone at three o'clock the morning while theway, worry about shit, stay at the walls. kind of hard tofind the higher power and invisible sort of thing at that point right, sortof groping around, I'll trying to figure it out. And you're so fuckingscared and you so alone. You're so alone and you're so scared and there'snothing that they can help you. You know something was Dixie Club ain't inyour room. Your sponsor is in there. It's just you alone with the vastnothingness of bullshit. And you, I'll tell you what, you betterhit that even I know as not alive with any sect denomination, but youbetter get your ass alive. Just because he is not lie with that,just because an aa we say, don't worry about you better get your ass. I'll tell you what did you I talked for when a man with experiencemeets a man with money, the man with experience will walk away with themoney and the man with the money will walk with an experience. I'm talkingabout at it as. I'm talking about my experience. I'm not talking aboutmy thinking or my intelligent because I buried a lot of guys that are smart. The smart guys have a problem with this thing. Is Different between smartand want, and so what I've learned over the many years that I've beensober, as I've learned the big book is right, that this is thestep that separates the men from boys. Got There are men and there areboys. You may not like that. You may not like that. WHOGIVES A shift? You know what I mean? If you don't like it, if they you have a problem. You wanted something. We have aspiritual accio. Whenever you're disturbed. Matter what the cause, there's something wrongwith you. You got a problem with me. That's not my problem.You better figure out what it is. You got a problem with it becauseyou don't. All I'm doing is quote in the Big Book of Alcoholics.Anonymous are basic text. You have a problem with listening to the big book. You have a problem with somebody underlying to put a highlight over something thebig book. You want to sort of soft pedal this shit. This isthe step that separates men from the boys. No more, Mr Fucking Nice Guy. No more Mr Nice Guy. This is what it is. Youmay find you may come around to my way, if they can. InTen or twenty or thirty years, they find you might be coming around.You might, you know. You never know. You're around sixty seven yearsof age, you know, and you've got stage four cancer. You maystart thinking about this shit taking it seriously. You know the seriously so when Iwas about a Monthstober. So that's why I like to talk about sixand seven close to me. Becoming entirely ready to focus on God is thesame thing as making them the central fact of your life. Is the samething is becoming convinced that he lives in my heart and mind. When theway, which is miraculous, is the same thing as sincerely turning your lifeover to God, where it says, above everything must get rid of thisselfstancetem must start kills us. God makes that possible, always sincerely, whenwe sincerely ask him to come into our lives, all sorts of remarkable thingshappen. Being all powerfully gives us whatever we need close to us. Performancework. Well, those are the people that are going to make it forforty years. Those are the people that are not going to be feeled beunhappy with this. Sobriety and that's all about. Six and seven. Andthey say those are steps. There's a big difference to be to be youknow, they say, if you want we have and you will only goto any length to get it, then you're ready to take certain steps.There's a there's a difference. There is, there is I'm just going to tellyou, I'm going to say it. There is a difference between being readyto take certain steps and being entirely ready to take certain steps. There'sa difference between being ready and being entirely ready. Being ready may get youhere, may get keep yourself for ten...

...or fifteen years, but it ain'tgoing to get you what being entirely ready is. You know what you know. You know what happens when you're entirely ready. You talk about this shitat a means. If you know you, though, you don't think people likeyou, or even know people won't like you, because you know why. Because it's important Shit and you've lost fear of other people. So yougot to decide. I mean, you guys are old enough. You gotthirty year olds, forty year olds, but if you're all see, howmany years have you, guys, been worried about what other people think aboutyou? How many people sit in a a rooms and you worried about whatyou say or how you're going to say? There's you worried about whether somebody leftand your worlder eyes. How many people walk out of a room sayingO, why did I say that? And why did I do this?Or I wonder what they think? How the how May? How many yearsdo you want to live that bullshit life? You think that's sobriety, you thinkthat's been rocking in the fourth dimension of existence. You think that's experience, a much of heaven, that's slavery. You might as well be drinking.Not Really, it's because you don't drink. I don't know. Maybeit's maybe it's true. I don't know what's better. I don't know.I guess not drinking some good thing. Well, it is the spiritual kindergartenand not drinking is a big deal. Not Drinking is a big deal.But you know, it's the saddest thing. The saddest thing is to settle fornot drinking when you can have the whole deal, to settle for notdrinking when you can have everything and and tell yourself that there's nothing more thanI'm not drinking, so everything so and I agree with what my sponsor toldme early on when he said Russ you could screw up anything, your life, the whole bit, if you have got to drink your success. AndI'll say that to people and I believe that, but I don't know whetherI say that to people have fifteen years. I'll say that. Somebody would.A month or two months or six months or ten months? Who says, you know, had a flat tire? I feel like killing myself. Isay, listen, did you have a drink? I have you,Clem to tell you some of your success. And my wife is I'll say itto somebody who has two years. Do you drink? When you getaround twenty five years, you know, and you've got flat tire, sobriety, you're okay. As long as you don't have a flat tire, you'reokay. As long you know how you doing Russ Grade, you must begetting your own way. Well, yeah, it was. You know, andyou know, I'll say it to somebody. But when you start gettingaround ten, fifteen years and you got flat tire, sobriety for everything's okay. As long as the car is operating, okay. You got money in thebank and your wife's stream, you okay. You got a job,you're okay. As long as everything's okay. You got to start facing pacts.That's not really surprised. I know they handed your fifteen your Medadia,but your good. That's the deal. You got it at some point oftime. You got to grow up for that. What's going on. Sowhen I was about three months sober, we had a guy in the groupand his name was bobby and and I had, I believe I hit bottom. You know, it's the bottom sufficiently for me. I know this.I got in my hands and these at three o'clock in the morning of theseven twenty five, Christmas morning, one thousand nine hundred and eighty, andgave my life to Jesus. And I'm a Jewish gift from New York.So I mean, you got to be pretty desperate to do that shit andI think I was pretty ready. I was. I wanted I wanted out, I was done. I wanted out. Don't rob an out bunking with desperationevery UPOL cast time as last drink. And I know this. I camein here and I was ready. I mean I balked a little.I did my balking, you know, I did my I didn't immediately comingto get a sponsor. I looked around. Took about thirty days and you know, but I had I did argue with my sponsors a lot. Theytold me to do shit. I might have thought the crazy, but eventuallythat come around and get my hard time. I went to a lot of meetingsyou and I was like, I was there. I wanted what theyhad. I didn't know what they had, but I want what they had.I was only going to a length to get it. You know,as long as you I didn't know what any length was, and I knowyou whether I had a plimont clime.

On Everest, I used to thinkof Shit. Russ. What happens if you walk out of the Call Room? I think about this shit and somebody point a gun at you and Muggyou. Instead, drink this scotch or I'm going to kill you. I'dworried about that Shit. I'm I ready, ready, I mean you ready todo that, to dire drink. You know, I was really concernedabout shit like that, because when you're alt Buck, you get considers thatstupid shit. You know, do you think about Shit like that? Youthink you mad. Think about what if they told me they were going tokill everybody? That must I drank me. I don't know. Maybe maybe I'mnot ready, you know, but there is a difference between being readyand being entirely ready. I was. I remember when I took my thirdstep by you know, I wanted to do wanted I want to do mythird step because Horn to stay sober, I wanted to blend. What didI do? My third step? Because I wanted to know God or becauseI wanted to be in my group and said I did my third step becauseyou know, because the truth matter is, it's true, unless it's an alcoholicexcepts, his alcoholism and all its consequences is surprised to be precarious andtrue happiness is find none at all. One of the consequences. I wantpeople to love me. I wanted to like me. I wanted to talkto to me, I want to take good thoughts about me. I wantto join the group. You know what I mean. So you put mearound a drift about a bunch of drinkers. I'm drinking. I'm drinking. Youput me up a round a bunch of guys talking about getting pussy.I'm talking about Getty Puny. Took about a bunch of guys. You talkmany a bunch of alcoholics who I respect to I like. I'm doing soberoutpost. I'm doing the sober alcoholic thing. You know what I mean. I'Mgonna pland I'm going to do it. So I wanted to say that.Why did I do this? There? I don't know why. The Ithink it's probably they say in the book. My motive was mixed.I wanted to get better. I wanted to have what they had. Iwanted to be able to say I was going on the steps and I wantedyou to like me. I don't know who knows I did it. Idid it out of the book. You know. I said the words andeverything like that. Was I convinced? I will think this was it's safebeing convinced. We're now it's step three. God couldn't. What if you startbeing convinced? Was I convinced? No, because if I was convinced, I got up, I did step three. Now it's business as usual. I'm going after the Gal, the money, the car. I'm lookingat the bank account, I'll look I'm looking at the world. I wasn'tconny. If I was convinced, I would never be worried again and forten, fifteen years I'm losing sleep, I'm waking up bill the night.What's going to happen with me here? What's gonna happen the money? What'sgonna Happen to Biye? What's gonna Happen with the girl? I'm like what, why am I if I was convinced that God couldn't want to be thesat and God was there and everything would be okay, I would I wouldhave panicked have been so worried and every time I ultimately turned it over,which took a day, a week, a month, whatever the hell itwas, he'd always come through in an amazing usually an amazing way where therewas no doubt about the fact that it was God. It would be theminute after the last minute and they're about to chop my head off. Andalso I got a letter in the mill saying your mortgage is forgiven her.So I'd some sort of stupid thing. You know, we made a mistake, you know you actually have more. But it would always be something absolutelyso amazing. I'd say, Holy Crap, there is an I go to mygroup and say you wouldn't believe what happened. I did this, Idid this, a blah, Blah Blah got in and I be convinced thatthere was a guy. I until next Tuesday. It happened again and againand again and again. I kept on turning it over and turn it overand turn it over and turn it over and finally went to church, jointhe church, became a digilent of the church, but also to stuff,reading the Bobble, that the whole bit did everything except the old timers,because the extra frandship, the shit. They say, you don't have toworry about doing it. Don't worry about doing this shit. So sober theforty years, you feel good, but otherwise don't have to do it.You know, I started doing all that...

Shit and all st I'm working,but I woke up and I was and I believed in God absolutely on equipment. I was convinced and I woke up one day and I wasn't worried andI was praying unceasonbly and thanking God unseasonally the whole day. And I canstop turning things over. I was living it. Turned over line. Whathappens when you live it turned over life, when God comes to central, cutto your life. What happens when you don't have any bucket list?You know bucket list. Let's say this. They had a movie buffet list.How pathetic is that? How absolutely I can't even imagine. People thoughtthat was a great lie. I mean no, I watched it. wasa good movies from but how pathetic it is to be eighty years old andhave some sort of list of things that you want to do before you gotfuck you. Lothetic is that? Can you imagine? If I can onlydo these three things I can tie. How about dying happy no matter what'sgoing on? How about being excited about your life, even if you're ninetyyears old? How about being how about being happy right here, right now? How about not having to have or do anything, or own anything orhave to have anything to feel okay? How about that kind of like?Do you think that's available? I think that's the tomb of this in rocketin the fourth dimension of distance, experiencing much of Heaven, I think.I don't think they're saying, well, if I could only jerk off withit in the Grand Canyon, how do you come talking about that? Showright, I'm alivable. So I'm too month sober and I'm surrounded by guysthat are like old timers that got this stuff, that got that. They'vebeen separate out the men. They're not the boys, and I'm attracted tothem. That was a good time. was attracted to them. I wasn'tout of the parking lot smoking with the blonds and I was attracted to thoseguys. And when you hang around those guys, those men, you don'tyou don't say much. You don't talk much because you know you you sayanything they're coming after you. You know they're going to say something. Youknow once you just shut up an you know they're not. It's not funand games with them. You know they're serious about this shit. And soI would hang around with these guys. So I'm with this guy, BobSalman, who's my first sponsor, and we had this guy the group calledBobby, and Bobby had had this problem. He was like he would, hewould, he was on a timer. He was on a timer. EveryS he would drinking, no matter what, and then he come backin and he would drink and nine days later he would drink and I didn'tlike like it was like a timer, and he said we'll Rushi. RanOut, bunk, but I'm an alcoholic and and I can't every nine days. I have to drink. It's like he had to drink, you know. And so we'd always would might, bobby would get me in the car. We drive up to the park, which is still around, I think, and we picked bobby up and he swears he's going to do it thistime. I'm going to do it right. And Bobby would drive them down tothe Bay Day Give My job, you know, and get them allset up, cleaned up, take them the meetings and Bobby was great forninety days. Then he's drinking it and I watch. This happened for sixmonths, thanks, seven, eight months. Finally we're driving up to pick upbobby on another run and I'm, let me tell I'm nine months ober, I am start rave and sober. I'm noticing this shit. My sponsor, who had about fifteen, twenty years,...

...there was something. I'll tell you. He's got it in graduate, sixth grade. He was stupid.You didn't understand what we's going on. So we're driving up there and Isaid to my sponsor, I say, I said, this is bullshit.He said what I said, going to pick him up. We did thisthree months ago, with this months go with this. You know wasn't wedo it every ninety days. It's what. He doesn't give a shit about you, he isn't give a shit out me, doesn't give a shit ofsobriety. He's not ready. We got to leave them alone, not pickhim up. SCROM and you know I did with alcoholics do I repeated myselften times. I had how a lawyer, I had three by five cards,I had photographs, I had recordings, you know, I had all theevidence and I was right. I was beyond right, I was outright. So if you don't leave me after doctors, you're so fucking stupid, you know what I mean. I was out he right and I yelland screaming and I got a Lynch Bob in my mind and we're killing bodywith dependom and fucking molten acid and you know I'm filling them because he's kissingme off, you know what I mean. And and then I finally tired talkingmyself up. I'll stopped talking and something sponsor says. He said,are you done? And I wasn't done because I still have the Lynch Boband you can't start something like that because I had the Lynch Bob in mymind. You know, we were we were in the process of hanging bobby, you know what I mean. And he's I said, yeah, yeah, I'm done, and you can tell I wasn't. I was still,you know, deep and thought, you know, and he said no,I mean are you done, and I said Yeah, I'm done. Hesays, are you I said I'm done, I'm done, I'm done, andhe said listen, he said, and I said I said what whatI mean, what's he going to say? Because the truth is, I wasright. I mean I was right. I'm the truth is I was right. I was one hundred percent. I was right. I was right. So what could he say? I'm a lawyer, got a high IQ. I'm brilliant and humble. You know, that's what you want, to bebrilliant and humble at the same time. What could he say? This guy'ssix great education. So he looked at me. He said He.I said what? What? What? He said? Listen, he says. Why, he's just listen. He looked at me. He said this. He said Rossi said, body says it doesn't bother me like it bothersyou. He said, how could it not, fucking Bobbie, everything bothersme. You know what I mean. How can you not bother you?You know, and that was it. We picked up Bob me, Brunthem back and Bob a lot. HAPTER, I'm ten years sober. It's you. We're back with chairman for two years in a row, eight yearson a a relay, sponsoring every flipping thing inside, doing step meetings likethis, doing at least what I was doing, like four meetings a daybefore you. You know what I mean. I go to a thirty meet inthe morning, twelve o'clock meet in the afternoon, four o'clock or thirtymet on the way home. Then a hundred thirty meters. That was beforehim, stark, raving, crazy, loving a a into air, doingthe work, doing the steps, write in the shit at reading in thematerial. I'm ten years sober and I'm like U Basket case, because thisis what's right. I would walk up to the guy in the in thecar room, some guy who had two months. He was all bummed outof something into some day. I know about something. I'm a stuffy Ali. I look at him, I say, listen, Buddy, I know thingslook really bad. I know they...

...look bad for you. I said, I get it. I instand about the LAFE deal. I said,but let me tell you something. You don't drink and you go to meetings. It's all going to work out. And he looked at this is realass. And I'm telling you, you don't drink and you go to meetings, it's all going to work out. And I could say with authority,because I hated because I knew I couldn't tell him how would work out.But I knew it would work out. I was convinced it would work out. It's a tex a lot by the appreciated getting my car and I driveaway and I'd say, when the fuck is it going to work out foryou, Russell? When you can stop worrying about the money? When you'regoing to stop worrying about that? This when you going to stop worrying aboutthat? Ten Years Sober, I go to real keep was one of mymentors, and is after doing all the Aa stuff. You know, maybethe sixth I see. I personally six steps the real thirds. That's thestep that you try repeatedly for your life, the lifetime, to be entirely ready. That's when you don't give a shit with a somebody's rolling their eyesat a mean because you talk about God. That's when you're all when you're allin, when you're put in a position where you're going to be cool, in a where you're going to love God. You're either going to becool and worry about some clown. That's the next you that is in painand your best bill, where you're going to love God. That's when therubber beats the road. You know, I saw I said a real keep, I said, because I'm broke. But once again I'm broke because apparentlyI learned this from my third sponsor, my second sponsor. I actually heexplained to me. This is advanced Ay. He explained to me that when youspend more money than you may, you go into something called death.This is really advanced day that you don't learn until you got about ten orfifteen. You know, it wasn't that I wasn't making money, it's justI was spending it like a clown. You know, I like a drunkensal er all over the place, because when you, deep down inside,feel you're not worthy and you're not good enough, what you do? Weshould take a vacation to a swang place, because it makes you feel like we'rebig shuff what you do is you buy a new suit, you buya brand new car, you buy something you understand to make you feel likeyou are something, because the truth is, I was a nothing. I wasalways going to be a nothing. I used to put something in mybody and it turned me into an almost. When you're nothing, it's the bestthing. When you're nothing, almost is like incredible. You shooting foralmost, and now I didn't have boost. Put in my mind I bully.So I had I buy clothes, I buy a car, I buysomething to pump me up, to make me feel because I can be drunkon a woman, I can be drunk on sex, I could be drunkon cars, I can be drunk a lot. I could be dropped onthe entire world. As a matter of fact, come to think of it, whenever I was upset in a a it was always about stuff. Iwas going to lose stuff, I'm not going to have stuff, I neededstuff, or stuff was threatened, you know, or maybe the stuff wasI need to do to like me or something I was always upset about becauseI was a stuff at it, you know, sex addict. Yes,thing added, yes, money out of yeah, I was an added tothe entire world. consolved that Conso I know what can solve that, bythe way, I know what solves that. So I said the real key bysaid one am I gonna because I'm ten years tool in this ship.We're not talking about ten months, we're not talking about three. I wouldtalk about ten years doing this stuff and I'm still worried. I'm so I'mstill worried about the sanction. I was worried about when I had three years. So I knew, or at least...

I thought, that these promises.You know, you get a little pieces of promises, like for two hourson a Wednesday, you're not worried about shit, you know what I mean. Some so you know they sort of exist. But I'm thinking this isnever going to happen for me. The Best I'm ever going to have isnot drinking thing. I'm never going to have this rocket in the fourth dimension. I'm never going to have this deal. I mean, what more do Ihave to do for ten bloody years because I'm an alcoholic. One ofthe consequences to be a bit an alcoholic is I want it now. That'swhy I drank. Nothing works so fast as just a few drinks that youknow, I walk in, I'm not feeling good, I'm worried about whatyou liked with. The group likes me. I go whack. I feel likeI own the group. I mean I I get it immediately. Idon't need to go to two thousand meetings to feel as well as I wouldfeel about like two years. You know what I mean. It's like ahorror story, man. I'm saying when it so I say to won't keepI said, what am I gonna what am I going to be financially securing? Because that's one of the promises. Didn't you know that? One ofthe promises is that if you're in Naimes, you don't drink, you become amulti meaning. Apparently, that's one it says. You know, Isays it in the book. It says in the book. What you talkingabout? I said. The book is said, what am I going touse lose financial and security? You know, and this once again, I wasworried about money because, because I have this magical thing that, youknow, I can spend whatever money. I can spend. It doesn't matter. It will never catch up me because somehow I don't know what I wasthinking. I just do it. I'm looking at about, you know,like drinking. So it's like drinking. You just spend money. You know, you want that show, you want that Blouse, you want that toyou just spend. Well, you just do it, you know, becauseyou need to do it, because you need to because you're Jonson for it, because you're addictive, because you're you're craving it. You crave it.I can't explain and I just crave it, you know, and I can't sayI just and so he said, what are you talking about? Isaid the financial security. When are we going to find security guys interested inwhat you guys like? That promise, you know, but that would youlike to be like? That, promised. So I said don't. What amI going to get that through? So in ten years, he sayswhat he's talking about. It Saudvis this. It'll promise you that. I said, yes, they do. He says, read it to me.He said fear of people and financial and a lot of the financial security Idoing. Fear of people because I was worried about if they repossess my car, underneath, repossessing the car and then neath. That was what will theythink about it? He doesn't being kicked out of the House, been adittedbeneath aught. That is what will they think about? You know, it'sall about vanity. It's all about what will they think about? You know, then they'll realize what a phony piece of Shit I am. You know, I'm not talking about you guys, but that's my story. Don't youtry to cop fin story. Is My story, you know. So hesaid what he's all about, he said. I said read it, he Isaid, I read it. He says fear of people and Financial andsecurity will leave you. It says yes, yes, the fear will leave you. He said, Russell, you will always be Bo it just won'tbother you. Thanks. Oh, thanks. That actually made me feel better forsome strange reason. So I'll go up to my sponsor and I sayat that time it's Joe Sneider, because my wife had had a five.We had a fight about something. You know how she is, and andI said this is that. I've getting a divorce. So this is it. I'm getting a divorce. I can't. I didn't sign up for this shit. I'm out of her. I had but bunch of kids and I'mgetting a divorce. That's the way she treated me and how she's going toall that. Believe me, if I told you what she did, you'dagree with all the guys in the bar would agree with me. And soI told him that. The whole thing...

...is that's what you do with asponsor. You tell him about you know why I was upset and what happened, what she did, and I was right. I was out. Hewriting once again, just like with Bobby. I was out. He right,and so he listened and then he said, well, let me askyou something and I said what he says. Why are you upset? I saidnot, I don't understand the question. This is why are you upset?So what do you mean? Why am I upset? Why are youupset? I said, I just spent twenty minutes tell you what you tellwhy I'm upset in detail. What she said, what she did. Thisis that's not why you're upset. I said, that's not why I'm upset. That's not why you were set. What I just told you everything Itold you. She said this. I think that's not why I'm said nowI can tell you one thing. You're an alcoholic. Is Veryan as Iam. You know why you're upset. Every alcohol key here is given theblessing of the desservent. You know exactly what's pissing you off. I guaranteeyou of something, because you want you'll be grabbed the first I said,you know. that. Son of Bitch says it to me. Going rooms, you know exactly why you're upset. Does exactly why you're set. Yougo up, some guys start talking. He says, why are you upset? He said, what the fuck are you talking about? You know, this is the problem, Al Teimers, is the problem with these guys.There's stupid, and he said that's how I upset. I should mewhat I just told you. That's somebody upset. Know what I he says, no, it's not, he said, it's not, Russell. That's notwhy you're sti let me shut up. So I said to him, youshut up, sort of like wait, Bob, shut up, bobby.And I said, so you know why I'm upset? He says,Oh, yeah, absolutely, you know why I'm upset. Oh Yet,absolutely seasy. Well, you're gonna tell me why I'm upset, I said, I don't know. You really want to know? I said, ofcourse, I want to know. Why am I upset? This is whathe's he looked at me and he said, he said, this is exactly thewords he used. I remember these like he said, listen, stupid, you're upset because stable. Oh what frock is that said? Aa.And so now I'm married forty years. I'm twenty years. So mad mywife is saying the same stuff all the time. Ninety, I've percent time. I don't even hear what she said. My sponsors are say, year,what is your wife just said? I said know what she said.I think it's emotional. Sobriety. You know all I've says. It's simility. Whatever it is, I'll take it. You know what I mean, becauseI pay attention to because ninety percent of the stuff that I used topay attention to nothing to do with me. I don't even doesn't even come upon the radio screen. You know. The stuff that does come up onthe raiding radar screen, I don't make any attention to. You know, and and all I know if the money in the bank that stood atthis money. If there's no money in the bank, that's good. Youknow, it's just and you want to know something, at ten years sober, my sponsor said to me, you're upset because you're upset able. Andhe told me the exact same thing that my first sponsor, Bob Sullivan,told me when I was yelling at him about bobby re remember. My secondsponsor said, you're upset, you push you upset of all, and myfirst sponsors said it doesn't bother me like...

...it bothers you. You look atthis thing in either upset you, it doesn't upset doesn't bother. And Ihad worked at this thing for ten flipping years, doing it by the numbers, and I hadn't even scratched off fucking surface. As the difference between beingready and being entirely ready. I'll tell you something. When the Jews leftfour hundred years of captivity in Egypt and they followed God around for forty yearsand the flipping desert, it should have been like a two week March,by the way, and they were finally allowed to go into the promised landas free men and they, and most of the people that left Egypt didn'teven make it. They died in the desert. The people that went into the Israeli sup like three people. They had been born as free menin the desert. They didn't have that slave mentality. They're ready to Rick, rape and run. A pretty much gives you an idea of what youhave to do to become entirely ready. That pretty much gives you an ideaof the bullshit of the stuff. This doesn't this disease hangs on this diseasethat centers in your not not Tom I do, guys. I'm convinced thatyou guys are. Can see how tell you you are. You probably getthis thing by next Tuesday. But the bottom line is is I'm just notthat my own. But the bottom line is it's hard to believe that whenthere is sick and is insane and the world doesn't help you. You comethis a mean you listen to my bullshit. He's out of God's kind of crazier. I like whatever. Then you walk out and you watch the movies. You Watch the movie, so you're listen to your friends, so youwatch what's going on in this world and all of a sudden, whenever Isaid, you faint in the bullshit and you know it's the guy that whohas the money wins. You are costomy and preached to. It's what youhave, it's what you own, it's what's going on. That's the wholething of life, but you're bucket list. It's all that bullshit. You comein here, maybe you hear being nonsense. You're not going to hearanybody like me this, nobody nay saying this shit. You know. Ican promise you that. I know they're not, because I have enough toconfidence. I never heard this shit. You know what I mean. Soyou get this like one time and the rest of it is love me,spend me, take me, pop me. I mean the GE't sobody kills onTV now is I can pop it'll pick you up and take some Biagra. You've got to convinced that you're a loser if you're eighty years old andthey can't get a heart on. The figure that out, that you're eightyyears old, you don't have speech to the cute wand if you can't geta heart on, you're a fucking loser. They figured that out. So it'srun on unbelievable and we don't even know what's happening. It's all overthe place. It's happens the movie stars. That's why the movie stars are alldine there joining. They got all they all all in a a.all the musicians are all in a a, ones that survived. You know Imean, because it's not the stuff. That's why they told about repeated humiliationsand the final question right and learning the value of suffering. This isnot a sprint. This is like a marathon. You know. You tryto tell you know my sponsors. You know they let they left. Isay they tell me a problem. I S oh, yeah, that thing. It'll be okay in about fifteen twenty years on his body. You knowwhat I mean? Let's here. You know what I mean. Fifteen twenty. It's hard to turn around that kind of think. That inticulive pinky aboutit. I had this, if I had that. It's hard to turnthat around. You know, I just got to Rehab. Twenty eight dollarsyou out of twenty day rehab. I'm fixed now. You know, it'sover three years. I'm fixed out ten years. I'm still engulfed in thisoutp bullshit thinking because I had to become entirely ready to have God take overmy life, give up everything. And...

...even once you get to that point, you're working like a suffer bitch, being pounded, pounded, pounded everyday. And then what do you learn? You learn what Bill Wilson said onpage one hundred, page one hundred. That's bill sees it. Look itup. He says, man, it's all about the fudge. Istill get the stass mountain and say what would be like to find that mountain? And my aunt came up with a plate of fudge and I figg outabout the mountain and I started focusing on the fudge, he said. Thenext thirty five years I focused on the fudge and not the mountain, andthat's who my Olpot was all around, both seed on the budge of life. Said of the mountain, you know, not making God the sent peace ofmy life, making some woman car prestige. What are they say?In the sixth step, in the seventh step, money, property or romance? Yes, scals. Right now my wife was probably sit at home,God blesser, watching the hallmark channel, where this new of the up channel. They got these channels. Let me tell you something. It's the samestory. You know, you find the right guy, very romantic, usuallyaround Christmas time, you know what I mean, and your life is wonderfuland everything works out and social, until you watch idea and then she stamps. How I can watch the ID. You know. I do a lotof divorces. You know, they know, you know. You know the cause. Amongst divorce, FIF percent cuz must divorce has marriage, terrible deals. So now with that uplifting deal. That's the other God bless you.So.

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