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AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 8 months ago

Russell S. Talk 6 at the Solutions Group 11/10/2021

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. Talk 6 at the Solutions Group, West Dixie Club, Miami, FL 11/10/2021

Guys, my name's Russell. I'm an alcoholic south disprove haven't found that I have a drink. I have. I had a drinks tenu and twousand two, one thousand nine hundred and eighty one. It's good to be with you, guys. I think we're somewhere around who knows what the Hell is going on here, but supposedly around six and seven, which are my favorite steps. Really, actually, I really like those steps. Say. They call them all timers steps. I'm old. I've been around, you can tell by looking at me. I'm old. I'm seventy two and around here's my forty first year. So it's good to be here. Sheldon, my emotionally support, my emotional support human is not here tonight. You had a ballots hues. He told me he was going to go to a James Taylor concert. Well, I don't take these things personally. I told you, next time he feels like drinking and he has a muzzle of the gun in his mouth, just call up James fucking tailor something. You know, I'm give a shit. Does bother me. At least they didn't say I have to shampoo the parakeet or something. You know, or some sort of but I have gabby here, my almost doing a great job, then people in Zoom and I'm all over the planet, so it's good to see those people. It's all working out. So we're going to talk a little bit. I happen to love six and you know, the truth is, the absolute truth is, no matter what step I'm on, I'm always on six and Steven, because that's the step that separates the men from the Bois and, more than anything, if you want to survive this deal, if you want to be separated out from the children. You know, it's a great line and Dr about the good old timers. They said this is what they said. They said the books we found absolutely essential for real serious sobriety, for first print in thirteen summon on the own, the book of James, and in first grintans thirteen, as it's one line. When I was a child, I thought like a child, I talked like a child and I played like a child. When I became a man, I put childish things away. So I don't know whether there's such thing as an alcoholic personality. Person I think there is one, you know, and I can almost listen, I can almost shake the hands of somebody. Don't let me drinking and listen to like three or four words I say is I'm dealing with an alcoholic, you know. Just I'll show them they don't know who they're screwing with. You know, why is this always happen to me? I'm dealing with an alcoholic. I don't care whether you're drinking or your horring yourself or whatever it is. I'm dealing with one of those personalities, you know, and that's the deal. So to me it's not a drinking think drinking just the symptom of the disease. Everybody, everybody had to deal with a n a A. Nobody's drinking. Some of them, they don't drink for a week, a month, ten years, fifteen years. The disease I have centers in my mind rather than my body. I was an alcoholic withoutcoholic thinking. Was it say? The alcolohol of life seems our only normal one. That's what it says. We can't separate the two from the false. With selfish, self centered Hud your forms of fear, you know that step on tones of others. They retaliate seemingly without provocation, but we find we've made decisions based on our selfish systems of decision, to be the position be heard that. So, if you're an alcoholic, it may take some time. You may have to dry out a little and then listen, to do a few meetings for about podcast, Fifteen, twenty years and see yourself from the deal and pretty soon you're pretty much understand that you're as crazy alcoholic as you ten years sober as you were when you first walked into doors. Because it doesn't have any do with alcohol. has to would live in a palpable life, be a decent other people and loving other people. Are Not not thinking so much about yourself. As matter of fact, how I'm not thinking about yourself at all. I be a cool thing. Then you wouldn't have to worry about those...

...five thousand voices and your brain telling you all sorts of bad shit about other people and you and then yourself. You know, you wouldn't have to worry about that voice while you're driving the car saying your n ass all do other kill your stuff. You have to worry about those voices you know telling you what a jerk you are. You know you can just sort of live your life. You won't have to spend money don't have on Shit. You don't need to impress people you don't like. You're not to keep on telling everybody and yourself that you don't care or what other people think about you and your whole life is one about other people think about you. do any of that stuff. They just enjoy yourself. You don't have to live one of those if only, lie, only I was off, only had a new girlfriend, only I yet laid, if only I had money, if only I wasn't alone, if only I lived in Chicago, if only I had a new house, I only had a new drug, only had a car, money, whatever. You don't have to do that Shit. You know what, if you just felt you're not worry about what's gonna Happen Tomorrow. What happened last week? Why did I do that? What are they thinking? You have to worry what people are thinking about you, which is a stupid thing, because nobody gives a shit about you and nobody's thinking about you. You know, I took a poll before I get in here. I asked, really we asked Tenzero people randomly what they thought about every one of you guys sit here. Nobody even knows who the fuck they are, you know. I mean any worry about they don't. They don't care. You know, you may be a jerk, but you want to something. They don't know it, you know, yet until they run into you, like a serious disease. What do you left that serious disease time. So so this is a step that separates the men from boys. I know it is, because the trump trump and says this is a step that separates the member of the boys. So apparently one of the things I've learned after forty years of doing this stuff is that the big book is right. It's right, even though you don't think it's right. You know it says some you know, just say some incredibly crazy rings. That by logic in the big book. Yeah, I think if you're an alcohol you know, one of the things about the second step, one of the things I learned, is you're an out we've talked about this a lot. I'm not going to harp on it because we got about three or four means on is that if you're an alcoholic, you're insane, you're crazy. I mean that's the bottom line. You're nuts. You may not know you're nuts. Trustful, you're crazy. You think crazy. If you didn't think crazy, wouldn't be here and you don't think you're crazy. You know, I understand. You don't think you crazy, you think everybody else is crazy. You think I'm crazy, but trust me, you'll come around to my way of thinking. That the way. You know how you come around through repeat humiliations in the final question of yourself sufficiency. You know you go to jail a few times, you know you you get to run out of the House a few times, you know you you hit bottom. To tell you'll come around to my way of think and eventually you know it's just this says, depends upon how many years you have to screw up. I Love I love the John Wayne Philosophy. Life is tough and if you're stupid it's even tougher. You know, I was the most intellient. I graduated departmental honors in Mathematics, both of my PhD and Altrek topology. I ended up going to law school become the chould say, certain this office. I had all sorts of degrees. I was most intelligent fuck up you can possibly imagine. I was stupid, unbelievable. It's all my sponsor, all for response or he was in office. I had. I have a wall in my office to go about twenty degrees. As a Bob, my sponsor co congrets with sixth grade. I said, Bob, these are my degrees. They said rush spreckle phenomos have decresion. Know they do. You know, you run into these guy, you know they say things in the big but what they say? What's half measures of value? Nothing? You know, that's right out of the big book. Now I know. I know for fact, for a fact that half measures will give you fifty percent. Well, in my mind don't give you fifty percent. But then again, you hang around your long enough and you see all these people doing half measures and you see him peel off. Five years they drink, ten years, they drink fifteen years, they drink twenty, five years, they drank, thirty years. They drink. You know what they drink,...

...because it's all half measure of bullshit. You know that's all half. It's all. You know why they drink. Half measures, all fucking half measures, all coasting half measures, all bullshit. You know, when they say you must get really solved ideas, the result is nail and dely. Let go. Absolutely they stay. They stay sober five years and years, twenty years, you know what I mean. And it's all all old ideas, all old bullshit. It's almost same thing they talk about in the steps, just having done rid. They just trying to try to coast, trying to do to stay sober, because we sober and do its live. Who is this shit as possible? Book that says you gotta you got to be convinced that God will do for you. You can't do for yourself. The book that says you want to rocking the point a mention existence, you want to experience much of Heaven in peace. You want to lose fear of people in Backnptins, Dirney. It's real simple. The great facts is this and nothing less than this, nothing lesson nothing less than this. Make God the set of piece of your life. They came the central fact of your line. Become convinced that he lives in your heart and mind and the way we se miractous doing for you, but you can't do for yourself. And I'm in a group with a bunch of people, then they want to mention the work God and want to say hp or something cool, because they don't want anybody to think that they're not cool. That they're not cool. You know. So they don't want to, God forbid the mistaken for somebody. It's going to church, even though the old timer, you know the old timers, you know in the big book that says we encourage Church membership. It's optional. It's optional. Don't let me scare you. It's optional. We encourage church membership. Most of us do it because we know that the person you'll be in the next five years will depend upon the people young have with the books you read. The books you read will give you. I have with so most of us. You' all this, but since sure a bunch of Goofy Fox you know, like will Wilson was when he first walked in here, when he said I could not go for a personal God, I could not go for a personal thought, I could not buy into that stuff. It kissed me off every time they mentioned it. Well, like it says in chapter the Agnostics, was its Ay. It says, except from near Code of models or better philosphy of life would have would have solved our problem. We've been so long time ago, but it's solve our problem. Lack of powers, our de Liver, the was our the limit. So we had to find a power which would enable us to do this stuff, and that means we wrote a book where we're going to talk about God and then, you know, it says right here and here's where everything goes down the toilet, the hackles in the next stand up. They get mad, they get angry. So we say to them, the sick ones, the sick ones, the ones that aren't sober. What we say to them is, well, don't worry about to try your own conception of God. Don't worry about ain't no big deal. But then we sort of throwing things like we lose prejudice, even against the organized religion. We begin to see we're religious people are right. We be getting quickly to see where religious people are right. These were not religious haters, these are not gods of what ground saying I'm spiritual, not religious. You know what I mean? These are guys that were encouraging membership and organizations where there were people that were focusing on God because they knew that there will come over time and every alcoholics life, where he's going to drink and the only is going to save them. As to doing this relationship with God and hp may not work at that time, at that time. You got to have something more solid. You know. Well, I'll tell it's gotten tough. I've had dancer twice. You know, when you get up there in age, you know when you're forty, you took you don't live forever. Thirty, think you live forever. You got up to around seventy two, seventy five years old, and everybody who's dying around your younger than you. You've had cancer a couple times. Every like that gets your fucking real. Get's real, man. You don't want...

...to be praying to something you don't know what the hell you're praying to. You're all alone. It's three o'clock. Yeah, you all ever been alone at three o'clock the morning while the way, worry about shit, stay at the walls. kind of hard to find the higher power and invisible sort of thing at that point right, sort of groping around, I'll trying to figure it out. And you're so fucking scared and you so alone. You're so alone and you're so scared and there's nothing that they can help you. You know something was Dixie Club ain't in your room. Your sponsor is in there. It's just you alone with the vast nothingness of bullshit. And you, I'll tell you what, you better hit that even I know as not alive with any sect denomination, but you better get your ass alive. Just because he is not lie with that, just because an aa we say, don't worry about you better get your ass. I'll tell you what did you I talked for when a man with experience meets a man with money, the man with experience will walk away with the money and the man with the money will walk with an experience. I'm talking about at it as. I'm talking about my experience. I'm not talking about my thinking or my intelligent because I buried a lot of guys that are smart. The smart guys have a problem with this thing. Is Different between smart and want, and so what I've learned over the many years that I've been sober, as I've learned the big book is right, that this is the step that separates the men from boys. Got There are men and there are boys. You may not like that. You may not like that. WHO GIVES A shift? You know what I mean? If you don't like it, if they you have a problem. You wanted something. We have a spiritual accio. Whenever you're disturbed. Matter what the cause, there's something wrong with you. You got a problem with me. That's not my problem. You better figure out what it is. You got a problem with it because you don't. All I'm doing is quote in the Big Book of Alcoholics. Anonymous are basic text. You have a problem with listening to the big book. You have a problem with somebody underlying to put a highlight over something the big book. You want to sort of soft pedal this shit. This is the step that separates men from the boys. No more, Mr Fucking Nice Guy. No more Mr Nice Guy. This is what it is. You may find you may come around to my way, if they can. In Ten or twenty or thirty years, they find you might be coming around. You might, you know. You never know. You're around sixty seven years of age, you know, and you've got stage four cancer. You may start thinking about this shit taking it seriously. You know the seriously so when I was about a Monthstober. So that's why I like to talk about six and seven close to me. Becoming entirely ready to focus on God is the same thing as making them the central fact of your life. Is the same thing is becoming convinced that he lives in my heart and mind. When the way, which is miraculous, is the same thing as sincerely turning your life over to God, where it says, above everything must get rid of this selfstancetem must start kills us. God makes that possible, always sincerely, when we sincerely ask him to come into our lives, all sorts of remarkable things happen. Being all powerfully gives us whatever we need close to us. Performance work. Well, those are the people that are going to make it for forty years. Those are the people that are not going to be feeled be unhappy with this. Sobriety and that's all about. Six and seven. And they say those are steps. There's a big difference to be to be you know, they say, if you want we have and you will only go to any length to get it, then you're ready to take certain steps. There's a there's a difference. There is, there is I'm just going to tell you, I'm going to say it. There is a difference between being ready to take certain steps and being entirely ready to take certain steps. There's a difference between being ready and being entirely ready. Being ready may get you here, may get keep yourself for ten...

...or fifteen years, but it ain't going to get you what being entirely ready is. You know what you know. You know what happens when you're entirely ready. You talk about this shit at a means. If you know you, though, you don't think people like you, or even know people won't like you, because you know why. Because it's important Shit and you've lost fear of other people. So you got to decide. I mean, you guys are old enough. You got thirty year olds, forty year olds, but if you're all see, how many years have you, guys, been worried about what other people think about you? How many people sit in a a rooms and you worried about what you say or how you're going to say? There's you worried about whether somebody left and your worlder eyes. How many people walk out of a room saying O, why did I say that? And why did I do this? Or I wonder what they think? How the how May? How many years do you want to live that bullshit life? You think that's sobriety, you think that's been rocking in the fourth dimension of existence. You think that's experience, a much of heaven, that's slavery. You might as well be drinking. Not Really, it's because you don't drink. I don't know. Maybe it's maybe it's true. I don't know what's better. I don't know. I guess not drinking some good thing. Well, it is the spiritual kindergarten and not drinking is a big deal. Not Drinking is a big deal. But you know, it's the saddest thing. The saddest thing is to settle for not drinking when you can have the whole deal, to settle for not drinking when you can have everything and and tell yourself that there's nothing more than I'm not drinking, so everything so and I agree with what my sponsor told me early on when he said Russ you could screw up anything, your life, the whole bit, if you have got to drink your success. And I'll say that to people and I believe that, but I don't know whether I say that to people have fifteen years. I'll say that. Somebody would. A month or two months or six months or ten months? Who says, you know, had a flat tire? I feel like killing myself. I say, listen, did you have a drink? I have you, Clem to tell you some of your success. And my wife is I'll say it to somebody who has two years. Do you drink? When you get around twenty five years, you know, and you've got flat tire, sobriety, you're okay. As long as you don't have a flat tire, you're okay. As long you know how you doing Russ Grade, you must be getting your own way. Well, yeah, it was. You know, and you know, I'll say it to somebody. But when you start getting around ten, fifteen years and you got flat tire, sobriety for everything's okay. As long as the car is operating, okay. You got money in the bank and your wife's stream, you okay. You got a job, you're okay. As long as everything's okay. You got to start facing pacts. That's not really surprised. I know they handed your fifteen your Medadia, but your good. That's the deal. You got it at some point of time. You got to grow up for that. What's going on. So when I was about three months sober, we had a guy in the group and his name was bobby and and I had, I believe I hit bottom. You know, it's the bottom sufficiently for me. I know this. I got in my hands and these at three o'clock in the morning of the seven twenty five, Christmas morning, one thousand nine hundred and eighty, and gave my life to Jesus. And I'm a Jewish gift from New York. So I mean, you got to be pretty desperate to do that shit and I think I was pretty ready. I was. I wanted I wanted out, I was done. I wanted out. Don't rob an out bunking with desperation every UPOL cast time as last drink. And I know this. I came in here and I was ready. I mean I balked a little. I did my balking, you know, I did my I didn't immediately coming to get a sponsor. I looked around. Took about thirty days and you know, but I had I did argue with my sponsors a lot. They told me to do shit. I might have thought the crazy, but eventually that come around and get my hard time. I went to a lot of meetings you and I was like, I was there. I wanted what they had. I didn't know what they had, but I want what they had. I was only going to a length to get it. You know, as long as you I didn't know what any length was, and I know you whether I had a plimont clime.

On Everest, I used to think of Shit. Russ. What happens if you walk out of the Call Room? I think about this shit and somebody point a gun at you and Mugg you. Instead, drink this scotch or I'm going to kill you. I'd worried about that Shit. I'm I ready, ready, I mean you ready to do that, to dire drink. You know, I was really concerned about shit like that, because when you're alt Buck, you get considers that stupid shit. You know, do you think about Shit like that? You think you mad. Think about what if they told me they were going to kill everybody? That must I drank me. I don't know. Maybe maybe I'm not ready, you know, but there is a difference between being ready and being entirely ready. I was. I remember when I took my third step by you know, I wanted to do wanted I want to do my third step because Horn to stay sober, I wanted to blend. What did I do? My third step? Because I wanted to know God or because I wanted to be in my group and said I did my third step because you know, because the truth matter is, it's true, unless it's an alcoholic excepts, his alcoholism and all its consequences is surprised to be precarious and true happiness is find none at all. One of the consequences. I want people to love me. I wanted to like me. I wanted to talk to to me, I want to take good thoughts about me. I want to join the group. You know what I mean. So you put me around a drift about a bunch of drinkers. I'm drinking. I'm drinking. You put me up a round a bunch of guys talking about getting pussy. I'm talking about Getty Puny. Took about a bunch of guys. You talk many a bunch of alcoholics who I respect to I like. I'm doing sober outpost. I'm doing the sober alcoholic thing. You know what I mean. I'M gonna pland I'm going to do it. So I wanted to say that. Why did I do this? There? I don't know why. The I think it's probably they say in the book. My motive was mixed. I wanted to get better. I wanted to have what they had. I wanted to be able to say I was going on the steps and I wanted you to like me. I don't know who knows I did it. I did it out of the book. You know. I said the words and everything like that. Was I convinced? I will think this was it's safe being convinced. We're now it's step three. God couldn't. What if you start being convinced? Was I convinced? No, because if I was convinced, I got up, I did step three. Now it's business as usual. I'm going after the Gal, the money, the car. I'm looking at the bank account, I'll look I'm looking at the world. I wasn't conny. If I was convinced, I would never be worried again and for ten, fifteen years I'm losing sleep, I'm waking up bill the night. What's going to happen with me here? What's gonna happen the money? What's gonna Happen to Biye? What's gonna Happen with the girl? I'm like what, why am I if I was convinced that God couldn't want to be the sat and God was there and everything would be okay, I would I would have panicked have been so worried and every time I ultimately turned it over, which took a day, a week, a month, whatever the hell it was, he'd always come through in an amazing usually an amazing way where there was no doubt about the fact that it was God. It would be the minute after the last minute and they're about to chop my head off. And also I got a letter in the mill saying your mortgage is forgiven her. So I'd some sort of stupid thing. You know, we made a mistake, you know you actually have more. But it would always be something absolutely so amazing. I'd say, Holy Crap, there is an I go to my group and say you wouldn't believe what happened. I did this, I did this, a blah, Blah Blah got in and I be convinced that there was a guy. I until next Tuesday. It happened again and again and again and again. I kept on turning it over and turn it over and turn it over and turn it over and finally went to church, join the church, became a digilent of the church, but also to stuff, reading the Bobble, that the whole bit did everything except the old timers, because the extra frandship, the shit. They say, you don't have to worry about doing it. Don't worry about doing this shit. So sober the forty years, you feel good, but otherwise don't have to do it. You know, I started doing all that...

Shit and all st I'm working, but I woke up and I was and I believed in God absolutely on equipment. I was convinced and I woke up one day and I wasn't worried and I was praying unceasonbly and thanking God unseasonally the whole day. And I can stop turning things over. I was living it. Turned over line. What happens when you live it turned over life, when God comes to central, cut to your life. What happens when you don't have any bucket list? You know bucket list. Let's say this. They had a movie buffet list. How pathetic is that? How absolutely I can't even imagine. People thought that was a great lie. I mean no, I watched it. was a good movies from but how pathetic it is to be eighty years old and have some sort of list of things that you want to do before you got fuck you. Lothetic is that? Can you imagine? If I can only do these three things I can tie. How about dying happy no matter what's going on? How about being excited about your life, even if you're ninety years old? How about being how about being happy right here, right now? How about not having to have or do anything, or own anything or have to have anything to feel okay? How about that kind of like? Do you think that's available? I think that's the tomb of this in rocket in the fourth dimension of distance, experiencing much of Heaven, I think. I don't think they're saying, well, if I could only jerk off with it in the Grand Canyon, how do you come talking about that? Show right, I'm alivable. So I'm too month sober and I'm surrounded by guys that are like old timers that got this stuff, that got that. They've been separate out the men. They're not the boys, and I'm attracted to them. That was a good time. was attracted to them. I wasn't out of the parking lot smoking with the blonds and I was attracted to those guys. And when you hang around those guys, those men, you don't you don't say much. You don't talk much because you know you you say anything they're coming after you. You know they're going to say something. You know once you just shut up an you know they're not. It's not fun and games with them. You know they're serious about this shit. And so I would hang around with these guys. So I'm with this guy, Bob Salman, who's my first sponsor, and we had this guy the group called Bobby, and Bobby had had this problem. He was like he would, he would, he was on a timer. He was on a timer. Every S he would drinking, no matter what, and then he come back in and he would drink and nine days later he would drink and I didn't like like it was like a timer, and he said we'll Rushi. Ran Out, bunk, but I'm an alcoholic and and I can't every nine days. I have to drink. It's like he had to drink, you know. And so we'd always would might, bobby would get me in the car. We drive up to the park, which is still around, I think, and we picked bobby up and he swears he's going to do it this time. I'm going to do it right. And Bobby would drive them down to the Bay Day Give My job, you know, and get them all set up, cleaned up, take them the meetings and Bobby was great for ninety days. Then he's drinking it and I watch. This happened for six months, thanks, seven, eight months. Finally we're driving up to pick up bobby on another run and I'm, let me tell I'm nine months ober, I am start rave and sober. I'm noticing this shit. My sponsor, who had about fifteen, twenty years,...

...there was something. I'll tell you. He's got it in graduate, sixth grade. He was stupid. You didn't understand what we's going on. So we're driving up there and I said to my sponsor, I say, I said, this is bullshit. He said what I said, going to pick him up. We did this three months ago, with this months go with this. You know wasn't we do it every ninety days. It's what. He doesn't give a shit about you, he isn't give a shit out me, doesn't give a shit of sobriety. He's not ready. We got to leave them alone, not pick him up. SCROM and you know I did with alcoholics do I repeated myself ten times. I had how a lawyer, I had three by five cards, I had photographs, I had recordings, you know, I had all the evidence and I was right. I was beyond right, I was out right. So if you don't leave me after doctors, you're so fucking stupid, you know what I mean. I was out he right and I yell and screaming and I got a Lynch Bob in my mind and we're killing body with dependom and fucking molten acid and you know I'm filling them because he's kissing me off, you know what I mean. And and then I finally tired talking myself up. I'll stopped talking and something sponsor says. He said, are you done? And I wasn't done because I still have the Lynch Bob and you can't start something like that because I had the Lynch Bob in my mind. You know, we were we were in the process of hanging bobby, you know what I mean. And he's I said, yeah, yeah, I'm done, and you can tell I wasn't. I was still, you know, deep and thought, you know, and he said no, I mean are you done, and I said Yeah, I'm done. He says, are you I said I'm done, I'm done, I'm done, and he said listen, he said, and I said I said what what I mean, what's he going to say? Because the truth is, I was right. I mean I was right. I'm the truth is I was right. I was one hundred percent. I was right. I was right. So what could he say? I'm a lawyer, got a high IQ. I'm brilliant and humble. You know, that's what you want, to be brilliant and humble at the same time. What could he say? This guy's six great education. So he looked at me. He said He. I said what? What? What? He said? Listen, he says. Why, he's just listen. He looked at me. He said this. He said Rossi said, body says it doesn't bother me like it bothers you. He said, how could it not, fucking Bobbie, everything bothers me. You know what I mean. How can you not bother you? You know, and that was it. We picked up Bob me, Brun them back and Bob a lot. HAPTER, I'm ten years sober. It's you. We're back with chairman for two years in a row, eight years on a a relay, sponsoring every flipping thing inside, doing step meetings like this, doing at least what I was doing, like four meetings a day before you. You know what I mean. I go to a thirty meet in the morning, twelve o'clock meet in the afternoon, four o'clock or thirty met on the way home. Then a hundred thirty meters. That was before him, stark, raving, crazy, loving a a into air, doing the work, doing the steps, write in the shit at reading in the material. I'm ten years sober and I'm like U Basket case, because this is what's right. I would walk up to the guy in the in the car room, some guy who had two months. He was all bummed out of something into some day. I know about something. I'm a stuffy Ali. I look at him, I say, listen, Buddy, I know things look really bad. I know they...

...look bad for you. I said, I get it. I instand about the LAFE deal. I said, but let me tell you something. You don't drink and you go to meetings. It's all going to work out. And he looked at this is real ass. And I'm telling you, you don't drink and you go to meetings, it's all going to work out. And I could say with authority, because I hated because I knew I couldn't tell him how would work out. But I knew it would work out. I was convinced it would work out. It's a tex a lot by the appreciated getting my car and I drive away and I'd say, when the fuck is it going to work out for you, Russell? When you can stop worrying about the money? When you're going to stop worrying about that? This when you going to stop worrying about that? Ten Years Sober, I go to real keep was one of my mentors, and is after doing all the Aa stuff. You know, maybe the sixth I see. I personally six steps the real thirds. That's the step that you try repeatedly for your life, the lifetime, to be entirely ready. That's when you don't give a shit with a somebody's rolling their eyes at a mean because you talk about God. That's when you're all when you're all in, when you're put in a position where you're going to be cool, in a where you're going to love God. You're either going to be cool and worry about some clown. That's the next you that is in pain and your best bill, where you're going to love God. That's when the rubber beats the road. You know, I saw I said a real keep, I said, because I'm broke. But once again I'm broke because apparently I learned this from my third sponsor, my second sponsor. I actually he explained to me. This is advanced Ay. He explained to me that when you spend more money than you may, you go into something called death. This is really advanced day that you don't learn until you got about ten or fifteen. You know, it wasn't that I wasn't making money, it's just I was spending it like a clown. You know, I like a drunken sal er all over the place, because when you, deep down inside, feel you're not worthy and you're not good enough, what you do? We should take a vacation to a swang place, because it makes you feel like we're big shuff what you do is you buy a new suit, you buy a brand new car, you buy something you understand to make you feel like you are something, because the truth is, I was a nothing. I was always going to be a nothing. I used to put something in my body and it turned me into an almost. When you're nothing, it's the best thing. When you're nothing, almost is like incredible. You shooting for almost, and now I didn't have boost. Put in my mind I bully. So I had I buy clothes, I buy a car, I buy something to pump me up, to make me feel because I can be drunk on a woman, I can be drunk on sex, I could be drunk on cars, I can be drunk a lot. I could be dropped on the entire world. As a matter of fact, come to think of it, whenever I was upset in a a it was always about stuff. I was going to lose stuff, I'm not going to have stuff, I needed stuff, or stuff was threatened, you know, or maybe the stuff was I need to do to like me or something I was always upset about because I was a stuff at it, you know, sex addict. Yes, thing added, yes, money out of yeah, I was an added to the entire world. consolved that Conso I know what can solve that, by the way, I know what solves that. So I said the real key by said one am I gonna because I'm ten years tool in this ship. We're not talking about ten months, we're not talking about three. I would talk about ten years doing this stuff and I'm still worried. I'm so I'm still worried about the sanction. I was worried about when I had three years. So I knew, or at least...

I thought, that these promises. You know, you get a little pieces of promises, like for two hours on a Wednesday, you're not worried about shit, you know what I mean. Some so you know they sort of exist. But I'm thinking this is never going to happen for me. The Best I'm ever going to have is not drinking thing. I'm never going to have this rocket in the fourth dimension. I'm never going to have this deal. I mean, what more do I have to do for ten bloody years because I'm an alcoholic. One of the consequences to be a bit an alcoholic is I want it now. That's why I drank. Nothing works so fast as just a few drinks that you know, I walk in, I'm not feeling good, I'm worried about what you liked with. The group likes me. I go whack. I feel like I own the group. I mean I I get it immediately. I don't need to go to two thousand meetings to feel as well as I would feel about like two years. You know what I mean. It's like a horror story, man. I'm saying when it so I say to won't keep I said, what am I gonna what am I going to be financially securing? Because that's one of the promises. Didn't you know that? One of the promises is that if you're in Naimes, you don't drink, you become a multi meaning. Apparently, that's one it says. You know, I says it in the book. It says in the book. What you talking about? I said. The book is said, what am I going to use lose financial and security? You know, and this once again, I was worried about money because, because I have this magical thing that, you know, I can spend whatever money. I can spend. It doesn't matter. It will never catch up me because somehow I don't know what I was thinking. I just do it. I'm looking at about, you know, like drinking. So it's like drinking. You just spend money. You know, you want that show, you want that Blouse, you want that to you just spend. Well, you just do it, you know, because you need to do it, because you need to because you're Jonson for it, because you're addictive, because you're you're craving it. You crave it. I can't explain and I just crave it, you know, and I can't say I just and so he said, what are you talking about? I said the financial security. When are we going to find security guys interested in what you guys like? That promise, you know, but that would you like to be like? That, promised. So I said don't. What am I going to get that through? So in ten years, he says what he's talking about. It Saudvis this. It'll promise you that. I said, yes, they do. He says, read it to me. He said fear of people and financial and a lot of the financial security I doing. Fear of people because I was worried about if they repossess my car, underneath, repossessing the car and then neath. That was what will they think about it? He doesn't being kicked out of the House, been aditted beneath aught. That is what will they think about? You know, it's all about vanity. It's all about what will they think about? You know, then they'll realize what a phony piece of Shit I am. You know, I'm not talking about you guys, but that's my story. Don't you try to cop fin story. Is My story, you know. So he said what he's all about, he said. I said read it, he I said, I read it. He says fear of people and Financial and security will leave you. It says yes, yes, the fear will leave you. He said, Russell, you will always be Bo it just won't bother you. Thanks. Oh, thanks. That actually made me feel better for some strange reason. So I'll go up to my sponsor and I say at that time it's Joe Sneider, because my wife had had a five. We had a fight about something. You know how she is, and and I said this is that. I've getting a divorce. So this is it. I'm getting a divorce. I can't. I didn't sign up for this shit. I'm out of her. I had but bunch of kids and I'm getting a divorce. That's the way she treated me and how she's going to all that. Believe me, if I told you what she did, you'd agree with all the guys in the bar would agree with me. And so I told him that. The whole thing...

...is that's what you do with a sponsor. You tell him about you know why I was upset and what happened, what she did, and I was right. I was out. He writing once again, just like with Bobby. I was out. He right, and so he listened and then he said, well, let me ask you something and I said what he says. Why are you upset? I said not, I don't understand the question. This is why are you upset? So what do you mean? Why am I upset? Why are you upset? I said, I just spent twenty minutes tell you what you tell why I'm upset in detail. What she said, what she did. This is that's not why you're upset. I said, that's not why I'm upset. That's not why you were set. What I just told you everything I told you. She said this. I think that's not why I'm said now I can tell you one thing. You're an alcoholic. Is Veryan as I am. You know why you're upset. Every alcohol key here is given the blessing of the desservent. You know exactly what's pissing you off. I guarantee you of something, because you want you'll be grabbed the first I said, you know. that. Son of Bitch says it to me. Going rooms, you know exactly why you're upset. Does exactly why you're set. You go up, some guys start talking. He says, why are you up set? He said, what the fuck are you talking about? You know, this is the problem, Al Teimers, is the problem with these guys. There's stupid, and he said that's how I upset. I should me what I just told you. That's somebody upset. Know what I he says, no, it's not, he said, it's not, Russell. That's not why you're sti let me shut up. So I said to him, you shut up, sort of like wait, Bob, shut up, bobby. And I said, so you know why I'm upset? He says, Oh, yeah, absolutely, you know why I'm upset. Oh Yet, absolutely seasy. Well, you're gonna tell me why I'm upset, I said, I don't know. You really want to know? I said, of course, I want to know. Why am I upset? This is what he's he looked at me and he said, he said, this is exactly the words he used. I remember these like he said, listen, stupid, you're upset because stable. Oh what frock is that said? Aa. And so now I'm married forty years. I'm twenty years. So mad my wife is saying the same stuff all the time. Ninety, I've percent time. I don't even hear what she said. My sponsors are say, year, what is your wife just said? I said know what she said. I think it's emotional. Sobriety. You know all I've says. It's simility. Whatever it is, I'll take it. You know what I mean, because I pay attention to because ninety percent of the stuff that I used to pay attention to nothing to do with me. I don't even doesn't even come up on the radio screen. You know. The stuff that does come up on the raiding radar screen, I don't make any attention to. You know, and and all I know if the money in the bank that stood at this money. If there's no money in the bank, that's good. You know, it's just and you want to know something, at ten years sober, my sponsor said to me, you're upset because you're upset able. And he told me the exact same thing that my first sponsor, Bob Sullivan, told me when I was yelling at him about bobby re remember. My second sponsor said, you're upset, you push you upset of all, and my first sponsors said it doesn't bother me like...

...it bothers you. You look at this thing in either upset you, it doesn't upset doesn't bother. And I had worked at this thing for ten flipping years, doing it by the numbers, and I hadn't even scratched off fucking surface. As the difference between being ready and being entirely ready. I'll tell you something. When the Jews left four hundred years of captivity in Egypt and they followed God around for forty years and the flipping desert, it should have been like a two week March, by the way, and they were finally allowed to go into the promised land as free men and they, and most of the people that left Egypt didn't even make it. They died in the desert. The people that went in to the Israeli sup like three people. They had been born as free men in the desert. They didn't have that slave mentality. They're ready to Rick, rape and run. A pretty much gives you an idea of what you have to do to become entirely ready. That pretty much gives you an idea of the bullshit of the stuff. This doesn't this disease hangs on this disease that centers in your not not Tom I do, guys. I'm convinced that you guys are. Can see how tell you you are. You probably get this thing by next Tuesday. But the bottom line is is I'm just not that my own. But the bottom line is it's hard to believe that when there is sick and is insane and the world doesn't help you. You come this a mean you listen to my bullshit. He's out of God's kind of crazier. I like whatever. Then you walk out and you watch the movies. You Watch the movie, so you're listen to your friends, so you watch what's going on in this world and all of a sudden, whenever I said, you faint in the bullshit and you know it's the guy that who has the money wins. You are costomy and preached to. It's what you have, it's what you own, it's what's going on. That's the whole thing of life, but you're bucket list. It's all that bullshit. You come in here, maybe you hear being nonsense. You're not going to hear anybody like me this, nobody nay saying this shit. You know. I can promise you that. I know they're not, because I have enough to confidence. I never heard this shit. You know what I mean. So you get this like one time and the rest of it is love me, spend me, take me, pop me. I mean the GE't sobody kills on TV now is I can pop it'll pick you up and take some Biagra. You've got to convinced that you're a loser if you're eighty years old and they can't get a heart on. The figure that out, that you're eighty years old, you don't have speech to the cute wand if you can't get a heart on, you're a fucking loser. They figured that out. So it's run on unbelievable and we don't even know what's happening. It's all over the place. It's happens the movie stars. That's why the movie stars are all dine there joining. They got all they all all in a a. all the musicians are all in a a, ones that survived. You know I mean, because it's not the stuff. That's why they told about repeated humiliations and the final question right and learning the value of suffering. This is not a sprint. This is like a marathon. You know. You try to tell you know my sponsors. You know they let they left. I say they tell me a problem. I S oh, yeah, that thing. It'll be okay in about fifteen twenty years on his body. You know what I mean? Let's here. You know what I mean. Fifteen twenty. It's hard to turn around that kind of think. That inticulive pinky about it. I had this, if I had that. It's hard to turn that around. You know, I just got to Rehab. Twenty eight dollars you out of twenty day rehab. I'm fixed now. You know, it's over three years. I'm fixed out ten years. I'm still engulfed in this outp bullshit thinking because I had to become entirely ready to have God take over my life, give up everything. And...

...even once you get to that point, you're working like a suffer bitch, being pounded, pounded, pounded every day. And then what do you learn? You learn what Bill Wilson said on page one hundred, page one hundred. That's bill sees it. Look it up. He says, man, it's all about the fudge. I still get the stass mountain and say what would be like to find that mountain? And my aunt came up with a plate of fudge and I figg out about the mountain and I started focusing on the fudge, he said. The next thirty five years I focused on the fudge and not the mountain, and that's who my Olpot was all around, both seed on the budge of life. Said of the mountain, you know, not making God the sent peace of my life, making some woman car prestige. What are they say? In the sixth step, in the seventh step, money, property or romance? Yes, scals. Right now my wife was probably sit at home, God blesser, watching the hallmark channel, where this new of the up channel. They got these channels. Let me tell you something. It's the same story. You know, you find the right guy, very romantic, usually around Christmas time, you know what I mean, and your life is wonderful and everything works out and social, until you watch idea and then she stamps. How I can watch the ID. You know. I do a lot of divorces. You know, they know, you know. You know the cause. Amongst divorce, FIF percent cuz must divorce has marriage, terrible deals. So now with that uplifting deal. That's the other God bless you. So.

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