AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 11 months ago

Russell S. Talk 10 at the Solutions Group 12/8/2021

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. Talk 10 at the Solutions Group, West Dixie Club, Miami, FL 12/8/2021

I'm a named Russell spats. I'm an alcohol everybody it's great to be here. So I have found necessary to have a drink. So I remember the south takes the group and I haven't found necessary more. Have I had a drink since January twenty five, one thousand nine hundred and eighty one. And so I'm my forty one year of sobriety in this wonderful program and and first little just clean up as far as schedule. I think the last meeting, the wrap of meeting here, is going to be on the twenty two. I'm pushing for you to the twenty two. I'm supposed to leave my kids and gray. I got about I got seven grandkids, one on the way, a bunch of kids and they're all supposed to eat up in Milton Georgia for new years, for Christmas, Eve and my wife want to leave the twenty two, but I'm saying the twenty three because I want to do the twenty two meeting here if I can. So we'll see how that battle works out. You know what I mean. That's a I'm going to try to be here on the twenty two and I'm starting a new series on Tuesday nights. Next week, I think at the twelve step house there's a little bit down the road and continuing to the one focus. So it's it's a real privilege. I count as a real privilege to do something like this. When I was growing up in a a I used to go to a lot of steps series. I follow these guys around, guys like real teeth and Joe Schneider and Sam Smith. I would fall. I would follow these guys around all over the place, SIP with them and diners to one o'clock in the morning. I would listen to the tapes of all the guys that back then you know, guys you know like Sandy Beach and by clancy and Bob's aunts, who speaking of my group. On next I think this Bob's dance has begun to my group. Incredible speaker and I follow all the circuit speakers and all that stuff. And you know I want. I wanted what the old timers I mean. I mean I remember, you know, alcoholics. I'm like all talk about myself and I pretty much you know, you learn a lot through experience and so come here long enough, you speak to another people in this deal, realize they were also like twins. Chances are I got some crazy thought. You had to. If I feel certain way, you felt the same way. That's by this whole thing works. And so we're so astounded. Army coming here. People say some potences. He's talking about me. It's like I'm leaving. I thought I was the only fucking guys in person enjoint. You know what I mean. Everybody's like so it s it's a good feeling, isn't it's another that you're not the only crazy person. There's a lot of us, and so I one of the thing I remember. I'd be said in a meeting like you don't like one of these means where they go around, the mic goes around that deal is and I'd sitting there and I'd have like about two years or three years or something like that, and it'd be a guy there like SAMs Smith or or some of these. It was like thirty, twenty years. I was dying here. They had to see about anything and then right before the meeting with end, like you got five minutes for the hearing meeting, they go to some guy and he's got like two minutes. Then he's like six minutes talking as fucking cat and and I'm thinking all sorts of Nice things, like take a hatchet to this fucking guy killing, you know. And I want to hear the say. I want to hear what that guy has to say. I want to hear back this idiot. You know, and probably not, but love with tolerance. I don't know that should but it's a fact of life, you know. And you got to go through that stuff. You got to go through that stuff because it teaches you. How where else you got to learn? Patients, you know, what's this stuff? But you know, I wanted to hear what I wanted. I wanted to squeeze the juice out of these guys. I wanted to I wanted thirty years and thirty minutes. You know what I mean? I remember sitting in the car room once for birthday night and it was my birthday, like about three years and Harry rawls have like thirty five years and they had a board. You know, I had a board and that had Harry there thirty five years. I three years. I wanted I wanted thirty five years. I want to be the guy with the longest time because you know alcoholics, you know, it's a lot of vanity and attention a shit in that probably it probably had nothing to do it had nothing to do with any type of spiritual thing. Had All to do with being the guy who had the most time. And I remember thinking this thought. I said, in order for me to be the guy the most time, Harrod's got to die. Really you really realize that it's got to die? You guys don't know what it's like. You know, all...

...these people having me, they all got a fucking die or drink. You start praying for that Shit, you know. Oh well, so you see, you're not the sickest guy in the room. You know, your people singing than you. But so, that kind of stuff. So I used to do that kind of stuff and it's and that's really who knows how people stay sober and get the really going to get, you know, is it the four step? This is the seventh step? Is it the ten step? The fall stuff is it? Is it hanging around with people that have twenty, thirty, forty years at Denny's? Kind of clock in my can coffee? This is it? Not even there, not even talking to you, they're talking to some other guys, just listening to people, just hanging around. I am a strong believer nowadays. was, you know, I had actually the right idea when I first came in. I my idea was because I always had strong sponsorship and I was always was actually more important. Which is more important? Quite frankly, in my mind, I was always attractive to strong sobriety. I was not one of these guys, and I'm not putting it down or not, and you know, people coming at different times. You could be one of these guys now and you can change. I was not one of these guys sitting in the parking lots smoking cigarettes looking at the gals. I was sitting with the old fat guy like me, you know, the guy was over hill and was who had forty years. I was the guy was saying with the guy, I want what he had. I was always interesting what they had to say. I was always asking questions, I was always listen. That was my deal. And so early on I sort of figured in my mind, I said, I instant ups think this is like Osmosis. You you just hang out with these guys and sort of like it's sort of like happens to you. You know what happens to you. And now the truth is, the truth is that's true. I do believe, and I say it all the time, that the person you'll wind up like in the next five years will depend on people you hang out with and the books you read. In the books you read will talk pend upon who you hang out with. How you talk will be, depending on how you think. Will depend up on who you'll start. You'll start looking at because out and the truth is, you know, it says unless until an alcoholic except as alcoholism all its consequences is Brit to be P P parings of true happit is fun, none at all. The drinking is the least of our problems. It's my fact. Once you get here, the drinking stop. So it's not even a problem. You know, we talked about it in our stories. You know you go to them. If I do a convention, I talked about it because you talk about what it was like, what happened, what it's like now. But the truth is people are in an have already stopped drinking. It's not the drinking think. They don't need to scar the drunk blogs. They need need to hear. Okay, I'm not drinking, but I'm fucking crazy. I'm not drinking but I'm I'm depressed. I'm not. They want to know how do I get through like Thursday, you know what I mean, get through this thing? And that's what they want to hear about. They want to hear about. Okay, I got three years, I got five years, I get six months, I got anything. What's wrong with me now? What's going on with me now? And so and that's the deal. And so I would come these means and that's where I was interested in. And so I pretty much forget it out. And one of the consequence of being, and it says in the big book, the drinking is a symptoms sus the symptom. It's not even the disease, it's just the symptom of disease, and the disease centers in our mind, not a body. It's a spiritual disease. It's a spiritual disease and and it's a spiritual solution. That which is non material. Spiritual means that which is non material. The car is not going to fix it, the one's not going to fix it. Romance is going to fix it, money isn't going to fix it. One of the consequences we all worship that when we coming we don't want to hear that stuff, we want to want, want to feel and believe that money is going to fix it, because most of the people in this world, most of the people that we admire and we hang out with and look at in this world, seven are the guys with the money, cars, women, men in the mansions. If you look at the news, are talking about the money, the cars, the mansions. If you look at the TV sets, they're talking about by Agra, sex, goodlooking and and and just throwing all sorts of TV commercials at Yeah, you know on those steep that they specifically for women, how to look more beautiful, how to get your hair Mubby, a beautiful model. It's all about set, it's all about you look marvelous, you are doing so well, and that's seven from the day you're born. No wonder I wake up, and I'm not saying it's not part of my personality, but but the world feeds that Shit. No wonder I wake up all the time saying, if only I had this, I'd be okay, if only I was I lost fifty pounds, I'd be okay, if only I had a girlfriend or a boyfriend or we're married, or had a...

...car, had been the one der. I am so absolutely sure. You know the fact that a whole bunch of these movie stars and everything and whoever they are a f fighting my house, talented. Odd they find them dead. Apparently the money is that. You Know How many? How many? You know, you can name them, seem in the paper. You know, they find that a terrible because and they're great talents. You can have great time, you can be brilliant and they wind up dead. But they wind up in trouble. They wind up doing stupid ass things. You know, I hear guys doing. I hear of celebrity who's making good money's doing okay. When I say okay, he seemingly goes okay from thrill. You don't know what's going on in the mine of three o'clock the morning, do you hear? See them get into a jam. You can't even imagine why they're getting into this jam. No, this jam that Clinton got into. You know I mean, I don't want to put him you know, he's no different than me, but you heard people highest for the President United States having sex with some gown is office dirt. The world is saying happen, this happen. I'm not saying how can happen. It's no mystery to me. It's not if you're an alcoholic. You know, if you're an alcoholic you hear about a guy doing stuff like that to make because life unmanageable and ruin a life when he's got all the way up to the top of you doing that. You hear about guys like him to be all the time. It's probably nots like all moo what everything, ruining their lives doing this stuff. I don't sit there saying, man, I cannot, I can't understand why that happened. Why Happen? Because you know this. You don't have to be an alcoholic to be an alcoholic. You understand that there are, let listen you out there in the world. You know, I go to church, I go to know that all sorts of stuff. I God, I mean people all place. I've met so many alcoholics that don't drink alcohol. I met so many. They're the world is filled with people that are as fucked up as we are. Trust men, I was an alcoholic long before I took my first drink, you know, and I was an alcohol during the drinking. I drank to get rid of the alcoholism. The alcoholism would raise its ugly head. You know, I'd before, I'd say if only I'd be worried, I'd be you know, I'd be happy. Whatever it is, I think the booze it was. It made it all come together. It worked. I drank alcohol. Has Nothing works so much, so well and still fastest alcohol. I was an alcohol before. Alcoholics are men and women who might be affect produced by alcohol because they're restless, irritable and discontented. And, let's say again, it's Vars the ease and comfort, ease and comfort which comes by taking a few drinks. If you're an alcoholic, you're not comfortable sober, you're just you're miserable. Here's the problem. You don't even know the missable. That's the worst part of disease. I'm going to talk a little bit about that. That's really what I want to talk about. Being miserable, not going to be miserable, because how do you know your miserable if you've never been happy? You seem never been happy, you can't know you're miserable. You know once you get the real serenity, the rocks of the fourth dimension, you know what I mean. But it says you'll be rocking fourth dimension. You'll know peace, you'll know serenity once you get that there. You know having, once you get that deal, you know. You know what it feels like not to have it. But if you've always been worried, if you've always been nervous, if you always been looking in and trying and getting and grabbing everything, or feeling sorry, yourself happy, but you don't know, you're crazy. You don't know. You're miserable. As as an alcohol before I started drinking during the drinking and guess what, even after the drinking. It's my fact. That's really what you learn, isn't it? To put the plug in the Jug. You coming here at you months later, your you like suicidal. You know you're up here down. You're up and down. Everything's like affecting you, you know, like my sponsor's I'd say I'm sensing resays number US grade artists, as if you're just touched. You're upset because you're upsetable, because everything bothers you. You know you have people and you don't realize, because that's your life. Your alcohol fife seems only normal one, but there's nothing. Nothing. Look, we want to think and I understand that, in suvanity thing. We want to think that we're alcoholics so we sort of special. God we we were so nuts, you know. I mean, I remember going to mean I talked about this, I think last week, where it was true. I actually this isn't it's only happened one time with me. I want to me. The Guy was charing the meeting had about a year or something. said it's a wellknown fact that by and large, alcoholics are smarter than the general population. You don't say if you take ten alcoholics and ten people from general population, the alcoholics will be have higher ike. So I'm thinking that sounds right to me. Yeah, I'm looking for the Time magazine that says those incredibly Bright Alcohol Act maybe New York Times alcoholics are so fucking brilliant, much smarter than us. You know, the guys are spash their cars in the wall and go to jail and everyone like that.

...fucking I heard that. Such bullshit, you know, but you want to believe it's true, right, you want to really that we're so great. We all think we're so smart and but the truth of the matter is is that there's a lot of people that don't have a problem with alcohol. That are part. Believe it or not, our disease is common to mankind. The only difference is is where the where the fortunate ones? He's have to say fortune ones. Well, let's put it, they're miserable. They're living lives are quiet desperation. Not all, but a lot of more living lives of quiet desperation and they'll die that way. Because they can arrest you for driving off fact, they can dress you for driving while watching porn. You get a problem Kitty Pong, that canna happen. They can arrest your from for doing stupid things, you know, like what is John Wayne says. Life is tough and if you're stupid it's even tougher. They can't arrest you for doing they can't arrest you for doing a lot of stuff that makes our lives miserable. And so it never gets that bad. So you never, like quote, hit bottom. You might get married, you may get divorced four times. You know what I mean. Different women, different men never be able to make a resume relationship work and you can't figure out. You say, that's her fault, that's it's fall that. Well, you lined up alone and it has nothing and you're not an alcoholic. You're just an alcoholic. You just you just have the mindset, the set. They have the same mindset we have, but never gets so bad that they get the point where they got to stop looking at the other people and look in the mirror. Like sermon on the Mount was one of the books they found absolutely essential. What is she's saying certain on the mount it says don't look at the other guy, look at yourself, you know, don't look at don't look at the you know, the speck in your other the other person's eyes. Look at the beam in your own eyes. But most people will never get to the point where they actually do that. We would never get to point that. We do that until we crash and burn and coming here and all of a sudden under durest really because we don't want to drink again, not because you want to get better or we even think there's a problem, because we don't want to drink again and we're forced to do a for step or forced to look at ourselves, you understand. And then it becomes sort of like a habit. And then all of a sudden they're laying this thing on you, the whether they call it the spiritual act them whenever you're disturbed, matter what the cause of something wrong with you. And then all of a sudden, when you get disturbed, you fought into this bullshit, you know what I mean, and you actually start thinking why is this guy bought? Instead, are saying, I hate that guy, hate that guy. Say Why is this fothering me so much? And then you sort of think about it. You do it force the mind. You realize you know he's right, there's something wrong with me, and you you start living your life. You never live your life ef you know, because your alcohol alcoholic like because it feels comfortable to think like an idiot. That's all I get. If you're an alcoholic. If you're an alcoholic, it feels comfortable. An alcoholic is comfortable complaining. An alcoholic feels comfortable worrying about things, and Alcoholic who's not worried about things feels like there's something wrong. You know, an alcoholic feels comfortable gossiping and character assassinating other people can on your back. You put to alcoholics, and what's the alcoholics it's good for? Regularly you put out to alcoholics alone with nothing to do, when alcohol will start talking shit about somebody else you'll say, yeah, you know, you're absolutely right, and you want to some I'll take who's a real asshole, you know, and that's what they'll spend the whole time talk and they don't even think it's a problem. They don't even know it's a problem. You know what, I don't even understand. The reason they do that is because when, deep down inside, you feel shitty about yourself, when you feel like a piece of shit and unworthy, if you can talk shit about somebody else, that somehow makes you feel superior, it makes you feel good. They've never even got an a point that it's to realize that if you talk shit about somebody else, it makes you feel good, and that's why you do it, because you feel so shitty about yourself, you know. And they'll tell you know, I don't feel shit about myself, I feel great about myself. They'll tell you they don't care what other people think about them, and then you tell him, no, people say don't care good about what other people think about them. All they used think about what other people think. I'm Adam about bottom, because people that really don't care what other people think about them would never think to say I don't care what other people think about it's a passes. I mean we are so screwed up that we don't know where screwed up. So we have this thing called in the big book. It says our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, and that's but the secret is in our stories. And Your Story Wal changes. You say, I've been around here. Well, I've been around the player for seventy two years, I count. I came day when I was thirty one. So I account the first thirty one years as part of my story. But now I can look at it and I can see what it...

...is for what I can see. But it says one of the books that they say are absolutely essential was first corinthians thirteen. First Corinthians Thirteen, you know, which is the Bible and everything, but report in New York it'll be okay, no, it's it's it's actually in all our literature. One of the things it says we see through a glass darkly. We really we see ourselves, but we really don't see ourselves. We think we know our so we think we know how we are, but we really have clueless alcohol to people who think they know what's happening. They have no fucking idea whatsoever. You understand? I mean just trust me on this. That's what the literature says. Alcohols are selfish and self centered. You know, they're saying they're filled with a hundred forms of fear. You know, this is an a meeting. So you guys are alcoholics. So, I mean, I don't want to hurt your feelings. It's just something that happens whenever I talk. You know, it's not my fault because I'm just quoting literature. You know, we're self you know alcohol you know. You know what's the interesting about alcoholics? They really don't, I have any idea what they're reading or they're reading the big they really don't think about they read these words they think they understand, but they don't relieve that time. Alcoholics are selfish and self centered. You know that means? That means you're selfish and self centered. I mean you're selfish, you don't give a shit if anybody except yourself. They're true by they have a hundred forms of fear, a hundred forms of fear. You know, that means that there's the growth of you know, if you tell me, I'm not scared. You just lions to me, that's all. But you don't realize your minds where. Don't you know what this is? The selfishness, self centered, driven by hundred forms of selfdelude, delusional, don't. Delusion reads. You can't separate the truth from false. You don't even that's what that's not me, that's a big book about as anonymous. It ultimately learned that we've made decisions based on self, which put this position to be heard, even though we don't. An alcoholic is self will run riot though we really really but we though, we don't really think so. I mean basically, be a diamond of the alcoholic is. You're crazy and you don't think you're crazy and you have no idea how crazy you are. And then you coming here to an a room and you walk up to me, one year, two months, tell me all your fucking problems, all your stupid ass, thumb sucking problems of in your life, and then you look at me and you say, let me tell you what I think the problem, and you tell me what you think you need, and tell me what you think you need and you don't have a clue. You don't have a clue, and so I tell you, you're full of Shit. They said. I'm getting another sponsor. I don't like this guy, but I'm just not going to put up with the complaining. You know, it takes a lot to really turn to this boat around. It doesn't happen in a week or two weeks, or two years or five years. We're kind of US takes that pay. The sixth step, says the well, the men are the ones who have finally made the decisions become entirely ready and tire ready to have everything taken away so they can be grown in the image and likeness of God. It says it's something that goes on, is repeated for a lifetime, a lifetime it never stops. You never stop trying to grow in the image to life. This is gone. You never stop better conscious contact with God. You never stop looking at yourself and seeing where you can get better, because you're always push at forty one years, I'm still crazy, I still got problems, I still got issues that I ele with that you never stopped. Let me if you really read this thing. And and so here what happens is I don't even get what's going on in my sailf no matter how much you think you learn. I don't even really see myself clearly until I've maybe been in like ten, twenty, thirty years. You know, I say things to people, they laugh at me and I understand line and they'll tell me about a problem. Sew, that's nothing. Everybody go see that you'll be okay in twenty years. And they st to chuck them because they think I'm joking, but they really it's like a nervous laugh, because I think this possibility may be true, because what happens is they you know why people listen to me? Because because you want to lie, because somehow, deep down inside, I make fucking sense. Deep down inside, I think, and I think this sign that's what the fuck...

...he's talking about. There's a line and summon on the mount which, by the way, it's another sermon by Jesus which, by the way, in Dr Boby, good old timers, they said the books we've found absolutely essential to keep us sober and to learn stuff. was first with the a thirteen sermon on the man in the book of James, which is summon the Mas Mathew, five, six and seven. So just stat fan, just for the hell of it, I'll just say if you really thoroughly want to do. You know, they say, if you want, we have and you want to go to anything. Really, ever seen a person fell who has thoroughly followed our path? By the way, if you really want to thoroughly follow up our path, I suggest you read those books and studying first Corinthians Thirteen, sermon on other book of James. You know I mean, I stand by that. I'll stand in front of the trustees of alcoholics anonymous and say you guys are lenning thinks slip down the drain, because the people that wrote our book, the founders, said the books we found absolutely essential, and that's the strong word. We're first within thirteen, summon Mount the book of James, and you would do and you will do anything you can to pasteurize alcoholics anonymous, to wipe that any any inference that those books even exist. And all you're doing is hurting people, not telling the truth because you're still prejudiced against organized religion. When the big book aboucoholics and nonsense, we lose all prejudice. A story lies which will see what they're right. Trust me. The big book of alcoholics anonymous, entire program was not brought up by Bill Wilson or Dr Bob. You get into the literature and you'll find out that this was just a restatement of Biblic could truths that have been going on for thousands of years. They came right out of the Oxford Move Group in the sixth step. You know, you don't need to be a yeah, you see, if you're prejudiced, you know, what do they say? The one thing I'll keep you an ever lasting ignorance is contempt rather than if you're prejudiced and you don't like to hear that stuff, I mean you're child your own opinion. Until you in fact, you won't see this thing. But if you're open minded, which I think that's something. Don't tell me. You know what I think of the second step, being open minded. PUT, if you're open minded, you don't understand when they say things like you've got to be the good smell, which comes out a love probable of the goods that's Maryon. When you hear things like in the six step, in the twelve and twelve, when they said a little well of clergeon and told us the secret of the sixth step, they're talking about the dowling. It was a Jesuit priest Ye and it's all over for the big book and all the books. What the deal is? It's pretty clear. So around ten years over, one of the things that says this p see through it less startly, but soon things will be revealed. And as you get older, as you get old years, you know there's a difference intelligence and wisdom. You got a lot of every apop time watching the doors prouty like albermis for intelligent and nine to send him going. And they drink again. They drink after ten years, they drink out, five years, five months among them the most treatment center. I'm when they got to learn more about that. What do they teach? A different twelve se programming each treatment center, you know, because they their brains rolling. In the book he put some Bass the world. He's sober for a few months and he says, now know when the inner workings of my mind drink wasn't possible, and you now know when the inner workings of my mind says. Next line is nevertheless, he was drunken two weeks. He went up to the doctor. Doctor said that I can't help me. Says you have mine of the product. And who sets the money? Just he is walking out. He said God could help pace. That's what he said. You gotta have a profound psychic change, personality, change, become rewarding. That's the words. That's the stuffing use in the book, the UN using words, these big book. You know what I mean. You can make it says what does that mean? Says ideas, emotions and adds to use the G force of these guys, Lots Persson one side and become guided by a whole different set of ideas, emotions and attitudes. So I get guys in the twenty five years. So they getting worse because they're going around their wives, because they can't stick to one woman, because they get bored, and so instead of drinking, you did so well get, you know, like like my sponsor said, when night said, look at that, Blondie, said for you, that's a that's a bottle of Scotch with legs. So they're not drinking. They're not drinking booze. That their booze is that blond yeah, booze is spending money. They don't have to buy things, they don't need to impress people. Later then their booze is buying shit. Their booze is cars, you know, their booze is making themselves go bankrupt. Their booze is gambling. Their booze from me tell you something. Alcohol doesn't only come in bottles. It comes to people. Their booze is is getting attached to people. Bill...

Wilson said it twenty three years sober and about emotional sobriety said the real alcohol is is unhealthy dependencies. The real booze is the stuff that's going on your brain, with all these people and all these things that are telling you. Why I can't he be like that? Why can't she be like that? Why can't this happen? Why can't that happen? Why don't I have this? Why don't I have that? Why do I look like this? Why they treat me like this? Why is this only how always happened to me? Why? What am I got? What's gonna HAPPEN IF I lose this? What's gonna HAPPEN IF I lose that? I just know this is going to happen. That's it. The real booze is the crap that's going on your mind, this attachment to the crap in this world. Why don't they like me? Why did they laugh at me? How did I do this? How did I do that? Why did I say that? Why did I say that? What are they thinking about? The real booze is the bullshit that's going on your mind because your attachment to people instead of making God the central fact of your life. You know, and you know. You go through this. And how do you get a new perspective? The book tells you. It doesn't say. You're exacted and you got a new persponactive and you get a Zapping here and there, a Zap here and there. You know, as you've grown up, Ye little epiphany. We're all sudden, damn it, five years you realize something. They Holy Shit, there's a thought. I see this here, somebody speaking. Old Man. I see this now. But how do you guys say? You know the big book says. It says really simple. It's real simple. It takes repeated you over the this is how you get a new perspective. Repeated humiliation. This is right out of the twelve and twelve. The way we get a new perspective because we're so brilliant, because alcoholics bine, larger, smarter than normal population. The way we get a new perspective is by repeated humility. Now these other words that use repeated humiliations and the final crushing of our selfsufficiency, which means you have to humiliated more than once and then you and it's got to be more than just a little bruising. You got to get humiliated more than once until you're crushed. That's what happens too many people in the kingdoms. It became entirely ratings. They weren't you start the way you stop during in here, permanently, permanently, one day at a time. I'm easy with them. It's not because you get humiliate, it's because or you just had a bad Saturday night. You know what I mean, because that we're all fast. It's got to be a real crush, right. Is Not why we say hit bottom. How many times you had people come in here with all such a things going on? You said, well, he's certainly going to hit bottom now, and then he goes out again and you're shaking your head. I mean it's got to be the kind of crushing that is so horrible. Sometimes people die, and that's how they could so horrible that they become entirely ready. They will do anything to stop drinking, you know, and it could be really wild. I mean I've seen people shots, they ad lose arms and everything like that and say, oh now he's really gotten. They don't have it. It just stayed enough. So now you come in here. So so, how's it going to stop you from cheating on your wife or gambling or doing all this stuff that's making your life unmanageable? You know, how's The house? How long is that going to take, says, for a lifetime. We learned as after you learn the value and suffering, you might as well learn the value and suffering because you're going to be going through it for about twenty, thirty, forty years. It ain't going to be. It ain't going to be one day wake up and no more prod no more problems ever at all, although it can get pretty damn good. You can't get rocking in the fourth dimension of existence. You can experience much of having. So I look. So now what happens? So what does it mean to have let's say forty you know I'm not I'm just telling because what I like to do. This is the bottom line. Getting back to what I was talking about, these these old timers. What I one of the problems that an alcoholic cast like me is. I want people to like me your how do you feel about you? Think you might have a room, like you to let people do you like to know? Did you? Would you like people to stay? Bad things back? Would you like you? Have you ever walk out? You ever? You ever think this? You walk out of the Bar, you walk out of the room. You ever wonder? I wonder what this what they're saying about me? You ever find yourself convinced that people are talking about you behind your back and listens and then I'm saying Good Shit? You never let me have thought. Let me tell you a thought that you've never had. I tell you thought you've never had. People are talking behind my back and they're saying all sorts of good shit. That's I thought you've never had. You you've never had a thought saying, isn't that great? Everybody's talking about me and...

...they talking about how wonderful I am. You've never had that's a thought. You've never had. The only thought you've ever had. And you're convinced, and here's the problem, you're actually events that people actually give a shit about you. You know, I got another power. Did you think they're whatever talk about themselves? You're convinced that they're all talking about you and they're same band shit about you, and then you start hating them and starry saying that assholes that you know and you start getting pissed off at them, and then you know somebody, you start talking to somebody and then you say something like I don't give a shit with about the bullshit that auto say about themselves, as they're so blind to help crappy their lives are. That's an alcoholic life. That's an alcoholic life sober. When you drink, that all goes away. You drink, you know you feel I own the group. You know you're sober. You just know you're it's all over your piece of Shit. How you how you going to I gonna stop that Shit, big shot, you can stop to drink, and how you're going to stop the million people that are all talking about you behind your backs on your piece of Shit? So the bottom line is that these are these are the thoughts that really really have to wrestle with. That something our mind, our body, and one of the one of the one of the main thoughts that an alcoholic has is, since we want to be accepted and we want to be liked, we end up hanging around people that are toxic people, because crazy people hang around crazy people. We don't hang around Church people. We hate church people. We don't hang around, you know, people that don't drink. We hate that shit because we feel they're looking down on us or we don't belong, and so we hate them because we know they're thinking bad shit about us, because we're thinking bad shit about us. So we hang around people that is just as broken fucked up as we are, because we feel comforable around these people, you understand. And so what we do is we act in such a way and think in such a way so that we will blend in with these people, so they will accept us. So if they gossip about other people on their back, we got some about other people on their back. You understand what I'm saying. Now my sponsor, when I first came in, I was sitting down, I would start talking, you know, because I'm an alcoholic and I'm a bar drinking. That's what I do. So I turned to the guy next to me and a rooms as frank. He's a real jerk, you know. My sponsor would say to me, you know, wrestle, this is alcoholics anonymous. We don't talk about people behind their back or say things about people on that back unless they're going to be even to say something good. So if you don't have something good to say about somebody, why don't you just shut the fuck up? And I'm going, what the fuck? But I did want to drink again and I knew I hadn't had a drinking five months and I knew that had to do with my sponsor, and I love my sponsor. You love me. And so, as much as I hated him for saying that, you know I'm going to kill him. You know that initial thing where I'm going to rape his wife, can kill his dog. Should like that. You know, I you know what I did. I stopped talking. I stopped myself from talking, especially when I was around them, about with others. Mattical, you can be a police I say, Hey, we don't talk about people down there. But I never ran I never ran into anybody in the bar. I don't remember being run into anybody in the bar that said that to me. I don't ever remember anybody in the bar saying, Russell Wyn't, you stop talking bullshit about other people and look at yourself. I did you ever, you did you ever drink with those kind of people? You know, when I was the one who was twelve o'clock at night and I was in the bar drinking and looking at the girls and my wife and baby son was at home, I remember running into anybody bar saying, what the fuck you doing here? You're grown man, you have a wife in a stunt at home. Why the Fuck Aren't you home? You ever drink with those guys? Know, those those guys are the guys that were going to church. Want to stay away from those assholes. You know what I mean? Stay away. If no, those are the guys I hung around. You will become the person you hang around. And so when I was new in Aa and it dawned on me, I get this, you know, it's like Osmosis. You know, you just hang around these guys, you begin to model you something, you know something. I was absolutely right. But unfortunately that does come a time when you got a few months or years or something like that, where you somehow come to realize that you can't just hang around people and it's going to work on you got to also do these steps. You got to do the steps like they're lay down. And if you hang around these people, especially the old timers. You will do them and one of the reason you'll do them, whether you know it or not, is...

...not because you understand it, because you don't understand why you have to do a fourth step. You understand why I have to a fist step, you don't see why I have to an eighth or a night step. You never understand that shit, it seems like a little overthe top, is because you want the group and your sponsor to like you. You want to have people say good things about you and think good things about and so you know that if you say I did my third step or I did my four step, or you can talk about it, about the send and things like that, it'll it'll. You know, it says with alcoholics. It talks on motives. It says our motives can be sometimes selfish and some virtuous and sometimes even virtuous, but most of the Times our motives are mixed. I don't care if you motives are mixed. I don't care if you do the fourth step because you want to group to say a Russell. I don't care if you pick up purple chip because and your group class because you want them to clap you. I don't care the point is, you do it. I don't hear what your motivation is. You know what I mean. The point is, I don't care if you stay so for one year, you because you want to get a one year of medallion. I don't care if you stay so for forty years because you want to be the guy with the longest. I don't give it. The point is, as you do it, because as you do these things, it's not only hanging around the old time, as the US most it's actually doing the work, because if you hang around serious people that are serious about this thing, you will do the work. You will do the ten step work, you will do the elevens that work. You hang around a serious people that are so for thirty or forty years, you won't be hanging around the people that are putting down religion and putting down God and doing all that Shit. I'm so, you'll be hanging around people that have lasted and they have good sobriety and you want to hear what they have to say, and you'll be. You'll be they'll be guiding you, you'll be modeling yourself after that. That's what will happen. And so I used to what I used to do, as I'd be hanging around with these guys at Denny's before the meeting, after the meeting, during the meeting and all sort of stuff. So my deal is always at this stage in my life, I mean I'm seventy two, having is I focus is something to drunk alogs. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm be doing a convention up in Wisconsin, I think, and I'm not. I'm going to do I'm gonna time to do what it was like, what happened, it's like, because that's what we do, because that's what we do. We talk to go through the drunk alog in this but the truth of the matters, for something like this, I'm going to talk about mostly what it's like. Now I'm going to talk about emotional sobriety. That's what I want to talk about because that's what my that's what I wanted to hear after I got sober. I wanted to hang around. I didn't need to hang around my my sponsors with twenty, thirty, forty years to hear about what happened when they were drinking. Yeah, I did the first step. I understand what happens when the drinking. I wanted to hear. How you going to get through Thursday? How are you going to get through? What am I going to do with this wife that keeps on hounding me? What am I gonna do with this work? What am I going to do? I remember money. I'm broke. One am I want to know how you negotiate light. I want to hang around these old timers. We're talking back that stuff. It's fine. I hang around with them, and so that's what I mostly like to talk about, and I used to hang around them and talk about this stuff, like in the Denny's, on the restaurants and outside. So the interesting, whether you call it interesting or not, it's interesting to me when I when I do a meeting like this, for instance. You know, my idea of doing a meeting and sharing with aucoholics and talking alcoholics is like, as far as I'm concerned, with sitting in debt. Were sitting in my living we're sitting in Denny's. It's not like the convention talk right then. It's like my my deal is. You know I mean, I wish I could have you all my living room. You know what I mean. I wish I could, we could sit around it. The only thing I don't like about this. Deal is like if it was we have a I have a workshop on Saturday. Well, we have people to come in on zoom and we actually go through questions and every is that to hear from you, because that's where the fun really is. The Fun really is is when they say, well, I got this problem, they start talking about the problem and you talk about the problem and then things come out and they see things and other people see things. So my idea of doing a step series is more like Rawson and Denny's together. We're just talking about shit and I we're just talking about that stuff. You're going to have to do the work. You'RE gonna have to you listen. You want to know about taking you want to know about continuing to take personal inventory. You want to know about personal injudtory. Listen, let me tell you what you do. This is book called alcoholics anonymous. It's got a fucking chart at it. You know what I mean. It's got four lists, a list of resentments, you know, then has this this list and has a chart as a list of faults, your own faults, or list of fears, and a list of things oun't do to yourselfness and romantic situates as a list and it tells you exactly what to do. Just read the book. Read it, talk to your sponsor to do the damn thing. You know, keep on doing it. You know that. I mean the book lays it out. The only...

...problem people that it's not that it's not in the book. It's not that you can't find out what it's about. It's whether you want to find out. It's about whether you want it's whether you want to grow. It's whether you want to do it. You know what I mean. And the problem you almost have to hit bottom on every step to do it. You know, the eleventh step. You know I mean really the eleventh. So what does it go? Caught? What does it conscious contact with God. Continue to improve your conscious contact with God. You know, how do you? Well, if you don't want to do it, if you want to conscious contact with the blonde, if you want to conscious contact with money, if you want to conscious contact with you know, a job. Now that you're sober, five years or ten years, I can't talk to you about a Corp. Had A guy, I had a guy called me up. Bless them, you know. Thank God for my sponsors. They were they I'll tell you what you know. I had guys that respond to me, that weren't scared to hurt my feelings. I got you was call me up, and all you do with he call me up once every three weeks to start complaining about his life. Complain about his life. I'm plaining about his life. You must have thought that had something ringom on my head and complain your row or something. I finally said to myself, listen, don't call me up again. I can't help you. Yeah, you had so far up your ass at ten years whatever it is, you know I can't help you. You're so full of Shit. I can't help you. I don't want to hear you anymore. I don't. That sounds mean. I know it sounds mean to you. Well, maybe he'll drink or maybe he won't dry, or maybe you'll come to a senses or maybe a liver. Go around day and say, you know, the Guy Russe his stats, he's the worst sponsor's terrible person. Whatever I can handle. It doesn't matter. But you know, the truth of that is with us. Unless you get humiliated, something bad has to Genin. Think about yourself. This isn't about complaining. This is about you know. Let me tell you. Just like a new CO AUMER has to say to somebody, what do I do? I did relay for eight years on the phones. If you called out a a, you got me, and I had hundreds of people call me up saying I have this problem, I have that problem, I have this problem, I had that problem. And every every hundred is sope by and a one guy call up and say I can't stop training and I need help. What should I do? For every hundred did black one guy say I can't stop drinking, I need help. What should I do? And I would tell that guy what's doing. He would shut up. You know why? Because he was interested in what I had to say and I'd say Tomorro one than nine o'clock of the sunset room and I will meet you there, okay, and he would show up with the sun's one guy, because the other ones just wanted to complain. They wanted a fast answer so they could go on with their life and weren't willing to change and weren't going to do it. They just wanted to complain and give their complaint and father complaint and everything. Then they wanted me to fix some real fast because I'm an alcoholics anonymous, and the other guy really wanted help and you just something. That's the same thing that happens after five years in the ear, after ten years here and after fifteen years here. Most people just want to tension. They don't want to help. You just want to tension. They just wanted they want somebody to coast on their bullshit, you know I mean. And they don't really want to change. Change. You know, really do? You want to our lead to a band, your something. You just come up and you want to utterly abandon yourself to God. I'll tell you how to do it. You won't like it, but I'll tell you how to do it. You want to make God pessential fact of Your Life, I'll tell you how to do it. You Won't lie it. You know, you'll say that's not in the big book. You know you'll say, I don't, I don't agree with you. I don't believe in that. I said I don't. You ask you what you believe it. You said you want to get closer to God. I'll tell you how to do it. I'll tell you how the old imers did. I'll tell you. I'll do a willst Dr bobd happen to tell you they said. They said we encourage church membership. Most of us are involvement. That's what they said. You want to do it, you know, I'll tell you how to do it. Get closer to God. You'll hang around people that all they're doing is talking about God. They how to do it. It's real, it's secret. It's just that alcoholics don't want to do it because the chief doctors crack alcoholics and defiant. You'll just point to every line in the big book that you can find that sort of let you out every loophole. I'M A or I know about loopholes, you know. I know about appendix to. You know, I know all about it. Things do you know? God is you understand of anything? You know? I don't really. You do whatever you want to do, and then you go ahead and do whatever you want to do. Don't do the tough stuff, don't do the extra credits touff. See how it works out for you when you're twenty one years sober, you're thirty years sober or something like that, and and you still not a piece with yourself. Just feel nervous and you're still restless, you're still you're in a well and you can't get a decent relationship going. All you want to do is complain about Your Life, you know, and stuff and worry about what other...

...people think about you. You don't have the new freedom of the new happiness and you haven't lost fear of people in the pecking up, in security and of that stuff. Do it your way. There's smart, right, I'm all, you're smart. I mean a'lcoholics are smart of the normal population, right, intelligent, you know, and that's why it takes a long time. That's why I say you'll be okay in twenty thirty years, because alcoholics don't just hear something or a told something and they get it doesn't work that way. You know. They got to get slapped down about two thousand times over five or ten years and they say, Oh, I think this made be a problem, and then they got to get to the point where they really want to do something about it. And then they got to a point where it's so bad they go have to go up somebody, say I'm having this problem. What sh what should I do? And then once they're suggested what to do, then they got to the point with this say I'm doing that. That takes a good five or ten years. You know what I mean. On every issue right it's an interesting deal. So what step was that? That the lever is step ten, step six steps. They're all in there somewhere. They're all in there. You have to figure it out for yourself. Thank you. That's all I.

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