AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 122 · 2 months ago

Russell S. Talk 4 at the Sober Way Out Group 7/12/2022

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Talk 4 from Russell S. Step Series Tuesday nights at the South Dixie Sober Way Out Group, Miami, FL started June 2022.

I'm an alcoholic time in the stanfordrian since January, playing fifth one. So it's a pleasure being here. Do you guys know who Michael Buffer is? How people know who Michael Buffer is? Michael Buffer is the guy. What is it usually a fights. He says let's get ready to rumble. Guy Bo is my Michael Buff my my. It was about five too and the meeting was gonna Start and Bo wasn't here. I was very concerned. I was concerned as to whether I could actually carry on without her. Once again, Bro, you were great. Please don't change. You know, it's a great it's good to be here. So we're gonna have some fun tonight. I'm gonna piss on. Let me start off by pissing off a bunch of people. Not a bunch, not everybody, just a few people. Okay, by quoting something out of the Bible, out of scripture. Okay, so let me let me expland you what what you know? This is about my experience, strength and hope, and the book says, uh, never apologize for God or your faith and our our what does it says? It's our testimony, your story. What does it say? What's that deal? It's something like a story or something you know, tell you you I forgot the thing. I'm old. I'm seeing on your story discloses and the generally what used to be like, what happened when you're like now. So I want to make it clear that a is not lied within any second dominant Lamination, dominations, politics, organization, organizations, and does not wish to engage in any kind no controversy, except when Russell's fats is no, no, no, that's that and that is a and I absolutely believe in that. Okay, but but you know, I've been sober for and after reading the Big Book and everything in the big book, which I won't quote all the quotes in the big book. I probably will, but I mean I'm not gonna quote them all about to see the relationship with him is right. There is one who has all power, not fifty one thousand that has that one is God. May you find me now. Above everything, we must get rid of this selfiss muscle have killed God and exact I am absolutely convinced that at the end of the twelve steps, if you want to stay happily and joyfully sober, at the end, what the ultimate gating of the big book. There's no question in my mind because I've hung around with the guys for thirty, forty years and I've son and and all I do is here people. I had eleven years and I drank, three years and I drank two years. This is my eighteen time backup and around for twenty years and I got three months. You know, I'm really I am absolutely convinced that at the end of the road where you got to the end of the trudging the road to happy destiny, the end of the road is you personally need to be alive with God. I know that because it says to the book and says once you make a sincere decision for him, all sorts of remarkable thing happens. Being all powerful and gives us whatever we need if we stay close to the performance worked well. So I came in an atheist, an agnostic, a worship our women and money and things, and after forty one years this is how he has worked me. I'm a Christian guy. I go to uh you know that part where it says we encourage church membership, churches, synagod. Most of us do that. We encourage it. We're not saying you have to. I after ten faking years. I did that. I became opened up of my open minded enough to do that. You know, the second step. They pounded me unmercifully until I did that. Then I became a deacon in my church. You know, they say that's okay because I'm alive and do I did Urch and go to Bible Studies and go to and every day. So this is my this is my step, serious, it's my story. This is the way I see things. You can reject the whole thing, you can make it modified to yourself, you can do what alcoholics do and they believe I'm not saying this stuff, or just get mad and make it go away. You know what I mean. You know that's one of the unless and until an alcohol accepts his alcoholism were all its consequences, his sobriety be precariss him to happiness, will find none at all. You can ignore the fact, because it's just fact, that in DC about the gold knife for all times, it says the books we found absolutely essential, or first Corinthians, thirteen, sermon on the Mount of the book of James. After five or ten years I started studying the books. That's the founders. None of myself is conference approved. Whoever those fucking conference guys are. I don't know what the conference is. But somewhere along the on there are things that were our founders approved. Founders approved that, they were doing it, and then some conference came along. I mean, if you ever been to do a business meeting? Have you ever been doing business meeting? I rest my fucking day. Okay, in the business they...

...met. They all mad and they said US, the only conference approved, the only material we published, you know, and and and I'm not against that, okay, you know. But but this is my experience in streight and hope and and so I started doing what the founders were doing. Not all. There was that one goofy guy was an atheist and he ended up drinking and but he he influenced day enough, you know, but then he ended up drinking, you know, and all that stuff. But but I I ended up doing this stuff, the extra credit stuff, the stuff they said, well, you don't have to do that. Yeah, the founders got on their knees, but I don't have to do that. Yeah, the founders joined churches and stuff, but I don't have to do that. Yeah, the five founders read the the Bob, but I don't have to do that, you know, and you're perfectly allowed to do that in a because you know, it's a spiritual kindergarten, you know. I mean some of US wanted to get into high school of College, but it's a spiritual kindergarden. And then you take your chances, you become one of those people that hang around for twenty years when you're not happy or you're drinking again or something like that, because you never get really sober, you just get like sort of not drinking, which is a whole different thing. This is not drinking club, rocking, the Fourth Dimension Club and all this stuff. So this is just my story and how I see it, because the problem is, the problem you have is I've been around, as I said, for over forty one years. So what you see here is a guy that was spent his entire life looking to get laid, his entire life looking to get late, running around Bob at bars. I was rounge Lizard and all I do now is I want to talk about the Lord and what God has done from you, like Bill Wilson, who said in alcoholics, not some three. The Lord has been so wonderful to me. Prami of this double seas I gotta keep talking about and telling other people. So, if I followed the yellow brick road in this a a thing, the way my sponsors and my mentors told me to follow, and I read the Big Book and I read all the books that, I did all the stuff and I went through the pounding, you know, the repeated humiliations and the final question. And if I found up here, don't blame me, it's a a's fault. I'm a product of alcoholics anonymous. So you can say I don't believe in this guy. I think this guy is full of shipping. You know, he's apparently a product of alcoholics anonymous, and you get to see other products of alcoholics anonymous. You get to say, I like that product, I don't like that product, I wish you to have that product. You get to do that. You know what I mean. And since the big book says that if I do things right, what will happen is I will be what does it say? I'll lose for your people and and and economic insecurity and all this other stuff. So so I'm I'm fearless in a sense when it comes to sharing this deal. You know what I mean. So this is what I talked about. So you don't have to believe anything, I'm just telling but if I'm gonna get a phenomena, tell my story and my deal and how I see the steps, I'm gonna tell my story and my deal. I'm not gonna tell you something that I think will please you. I'm not gonna say what can I say so that they will like me. I'm gonna say what I think that God might understand it wants me to say, and if they hate me, they hate me. But my self esteem doesn't depend upon what you think about me, which, quite frankly, if you have a brain in your freaking head, you want to get to that point. You never want to be at the point where who you think you are and how you respect yourself depends upon what other what you think other people think about it. Do you know what they think about you? They think you're an asshole. They think about you the way you think about you. When you drive into card you say I don't join myself because I'm a loser. You know what they think about you? They may think about you the way you think about it, like you're worthless. So I don't know why I said that. Ship, but it was a nice rid. So I'm gonna read you something. This is like the fourth thing, the fourth so it's gonna it's gonna be some fourth step stuff, some inventory step, some fifth, fourth, it's gonna be stuff all over the thing. Okay, but I'm gonna read you a things from scripture, just for it, lays and games so on. First becaud this is what it says. Now I want you to listen. This is gonna be cool. I'm gonna tie this in to the big book. All this stuff is gonna be tied in to our basic text. Okay, yeah, this is this is very interesting. This is what it says. This is scripture. Be Sober, sober minded, be and they're not talking about not drinking. That's what you have to this said. They're not talking about not drinking. When an old timer, and I know this because I actually qualify as an old time and I'm not ring. It's just true. You know, if I went to the international they'd say old timer stable. They asked me I'm he said, I got forty. They tell Yo, Baba, but but I know a lot about their old timers. When an old timer, and I used to hang around these men, when an old timer says that man is sober, he's not talking about not drinking, because you could be not drinking and not be sober.

Listen to that. You could be not drinking and not be sober. You could be a not not drinking and as unsober as you were ever unsober when you were drinking. True, they call it drive around, they call him what they call it, but it's true. So here's they say. Be Sober minded, be watchful. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring line, seeking to someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your Brotherhood throughout the world. Be Sober minded. So yeah, it's gonna be a little fourth step, inventory, fifth step, all sorts of stuff like that. The workings of the mind, because you know when that what was that Rowland Hazard said. Now, knowing the inner workings of my mind, treating was at possible. Nevertheless, he was drunk. In two weeks he went up to doctor young. He said you have the mind of a product alcoholic. I've never seen anybody you have recover one. That the state of mind exists. He says. This isn't a hope. He says yes, here and there, once a long one of these guys change. It's some sort of weird psychic major psychic change, substantial psychic change. What they call it an act of Providence, an act of Providence, act of God, a psychic change. This is how he describes it. Ideas, emotions and attitudes which are the guiding forces of these alcoholics, which means, you know, Carl managers said, alcoholics and men women are out to destroy themselves. So these alcoholics are basically out to destroy themselves. Okay, yeah, are shoved to one side and they become dominated by a whole new set of ideas, emotions and attitude. I've been trying to do this in you. With many people I succeed, but never with somebody an alcohol like you, the way you have the chronic mind, with an alcohol. So he's talked about changing from somebody WHO's not sober in their thinking. Now has anybody here been sober for over like a month? Rachid's been sober for over a month. Okay, so if you've been sober more than a month and you're not drinking, so you can't blame anything on the not on the drinking thing. And if you've been sober a month, then you are aware of the fact that you're fucking crazy. Isn't that true? Is that true? Is there actually somebody here has been sober for in a month that doesn't realize they're in saying? I mean, you know you're nuts. You know that as much as you're in the problem or not. You know that ship. You're not telling anybody because you're so fucking nuts and you don't even know why you're nuts and you haven't even plugged with the depths of your insanity. Okay, you've admitted a few things. You're they're like going to meetings because they're all nuts like you. But you know, there ain't no way you're telling everybody exactly what's going on, because they would kick you out of this place so fast, especially when you started, you know, talking about making love to monkeys and ship. You know, and you know. So that's that's that. You know you're crazy. You know. So this is about being sober minded. We're not being sober minded, because the fourth and fifth step is about thinking now, now, less. You think I'm crazy and I'm not. You know what the big book says is. It says if you're an alcohol called real problem is selfishness and self sentness. Anybody ever heard? Did we read that? We didn't read that part. Did anybody ever heard? In aid there's a thing that says a real problem is that we're selfish. And there's the basic problem. We're selfish and self centered, whatever that is, because most alcoholics don't think they're selfish. They think they're good people, but they think that in the wrong brain and they're fucking crazy, they're insane. So they don't know. But it says we're alcohol let's make believe. I had this gun in my office today in a big case, legal case, and I and she asked me a question. Can they do this to me? And I said yes, they can. Can they arrest me? Yes, they can, and then she started arguing with me. She started arguing with me. I charged five hundred dollars and I have been the lawyer for almost fifty years, division G, you know, law professor, and and I I kind of be honest with you, I don't like arguing with people. I don't like arguing with people that hire me to the best job I can with them and then argue with them because they're insane. So I asked her how many years hasn't been since she graduated law school and she said, well, she never with the last and I said, well, how many cases like her cases she actually handle? She has never handled any cases. They said, well, why did do you hire me? He says,...

...well, because you're highly right, all this sort of stuff, and I hire you and everything. He says. Well, look, let me suggest something. So, because I don't have a you're in a half to deal with this. This is like an emotional problem. Let me suggest this, and I know I'm being direct on this, when you asked me a question and after almost fifty years of experience and handling that is a caste like that, you say can they do this, and I say yes. Why do we make this rule? Why does you just accept what I say and not argue with it? Because if you accept what I say as the Gospel, I mean, I'm just saying you can't say a few things, but but to waste at five hour and hour my time trying to teach you the law on this thing and argue with me, I think we're just sort of wasting time. You understand? You know what I mean. So. So let's make believe. How about this? Let's make believe the big book is correct. Let's make believe that you came here to a because you couldn't manage your own life and you're all screamed up and you're insane and that the big book, the directions, are absolutely correct. So don't argue with it. So the big book says you're a selfish and self center. I'm selfish and self center, right, so let's make believe I'm selfish and self centered, even if I don't think I'm selfish and self centered as a matter of fact. Sort of cover that in a big book. They say alcoholic. The self over and ride, though usually doesn't think so. So if you don't think you're selfish and self center and you're an alcoholic, that proves you're an alcohol because you don't think you're selfish and self center. See, they're like on top of you. Okay, now it says there's selfish and self cent above and it says what is it says? It says the real based process that we're selfish and self centered. And where this is what it says, we're delusional. We are delusional. That means they're saying you're delusional. They don't mean you're delusional when you're drinking. Everybody's sucking. Non Alcoholics are delusional. Drink it. When you're delusional when you're not drinking. Now you know what it means to be delusional, you know. I mean, we can look it up and I don't really have the psychiatric thing, but it means you you have a version of reality that does not exist. You're living in I'm living in on Planet Russell, and Planet Russell I charge things on a credit card that I don't even need and I don't think I ever have to pay it back. I don't. I don't think I ever have to. I don't pay my taxes and I think that's not a problem. You understand what I'm saying. On Planet Russell, I do stuff you can't even imagine, thinking things you can't even imagine. I see the world differently on Planet Russell. Anything that happens around me that disturbs me or I don't like, I take very personally. You know what I mean. If I'm in if I'm in a, in a what do they call it? What do they call it when a lot of cars are again and they don't move. A traffic jam, Um and I can't believe this ship is happening to me. There's ten pounds. I can't believe this is happening to me. This always happens to me. I think I take traffic jams personally. You know still what I'm saying. But so anything that happens to me I take it personally. I feel like I'm a victim and everything like that. But if, but if I chop off your wife's head, you know, and then I say look, I'm sucking, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I chopped off she pissed me off. I'm sorry. She should have said that. I'm sorry, I chopped off her head, and you don't forgive me. I go what the Fund is wrong with you? I said I was sorry. See, I don't feel your pain at all. I don't think you should. As a matteract, I get pissed you because you're like trying to make me feel guilty for chopping off her head. So the way to see the way I look in my life is anything that's done around me that like upsets me or anything like that. I only rushed for ten years, but I have I chop off your head. I first of all, I don't even see it. I don't even see a problem. And if there's a problem, I'll say I'm sorry, you better forgive it's not that I'm actually sorry, like I did anything wrong. You know what I mean. It's just that I don't want you to look at me funny because I'm an Alcoholic Sima. Please don't reject me, a haul it, please love me, a haul it, you know, because if you don't like me, then I feel like Shit, because I always feel like ship because what I feel, who I think I am, depends upon who I think you think I am. So you don't like me and you don't think I am you know. And if God forbid, out of three thousand people, I was speaking in Toronto with three thousand people, one guy left the room when I was five minutes afore I was done. He walked out and uh, I couldn't stop thinking about what the hell do I said, why do you walk out? What are you doing that? I'M gonna driving their all. Thank you, the three thousand people say, and one guy left. I want to know. What the fun? What? What? What the fill is wrong with him? All I can see is the guy that left.

It's an alcohol and that's the way my brain looks and it says I'm delusion of that says this. My alcoholic life seems the only normal one. In other words, as crazy as I am, I don't even know what I'm crazy. As a matter it's normal. Let me give you the other description. Says in the big book. That says an alcoholics life seems only normal him. He can't separate the truth from the false. He can't separate. Now this isn't what where you have to be? What does it say? You gotta be rigorously honest. What's that quote? This is anybody can do this thing unless you, if you have the past to be honest. I I may have the capacity to be honest, but I'm not honest. I don't see things in a sober way. I don't see the world in a sober way. So when you walk around the world's sober, I mean when you walk around the world, well, physically sober, but you don't really understand what's really going on and you see things and you're you're all, you're all confused. You're gonna do stupid things, you're gonna act, you're gonna do stupid things. And, like John Winnen says, life is tough and when you're stupid it's even tougher. So, even though you're sober, you're gonna spend a lot of time feeling like a piece of ship. You Don feel a lot of time feeling guilty. You can feel a lot of times plagued by self, pity, in self doubt and everything like that, all the stuff and resentment and angry and feeling sorry for yourself, all the stuff that alcoholics get to deal with after they stopped drinking, after they stopped drinking, because the drinking isn't the disease. It isn't the disease the drinking is but a symptom of the disease, because that's what it says in the big book, remember where it sement the disease centers in your mind, not your body. So the only time you guys, are in disease is when you're thinking. And there's the other problem. You can't stop thinking and you don't think sober thoughts, you think crazy fucking thoughts. But here's the thing. Your alcoholic life seems the only normal on. So you're crazy. Thinking is comfortable to you as much as you hate yourself and Hainte everything around you. It almost feels more comfortable to be in crisis and chaos and Hainte everything around you that you understand because you've been doing that all your life, then to be in a state of peace. It's a mattering that feels real strange to you. You know what I mean. So I mean. And so the bottom line is, above everything, you must get rid of the selfishness. We must start it kills you. God makes that possible, because that's another problem, because tackles your next show up and you don't want the God thing. And not only don't you want to God thing, you don't even see things sober. So you don't even know how crazy you are. Right. Does any of that make any sense? Of So I hope it sort of ties it into the big book where you can see where it actually talks about it, how crazy we are. And it's not like, you know, it's not like we understand this stuff or we here at one time in the meeting and we say, Oh, I get it now. You know, maybe there's a couple of people here that are listening to what I'm saying. The sort of get a little bit of an understanding about they said, man, I never thought about that, but that's an interesting thought or something. There's also a bunch of people saying, well, this is a bunch of bullshit and it doesn't really mad you'll figure this thing out and not figure it out. But you know, unless you start of figure this out and you change, you're gonna end up drinking again or drow gonna do whatever you're gonna do. It. There's a time a miserable life, and that's the deal. So M so where do we go from here? Well, now now what I have to do, because I gotta put myself into the story, because the reason a worse. It's not because I'm up here telling you what I found and what I did and all this up, which is really good. I'm glad. I thank the Lord. I'm glad that he's put me in a position we're after many of years, I can at least express in some sort, hopefully coach and manner, what I've actually seen out of this book. I'm glad I could squeeze it like Lemon and hopefully some people will understand what I'm seeing and I can see the connections, you understand, between myself but the truth is what really is important is my testimony, and I understand that I'm not here to lecture people. It's important is my testimony. So let me try to explain to you what I mean in terms of my testimony, because one of the great things is if I don't do forty one years of inventory, forty one years of pounding, forty one years of fifth steps, forty one years of this is from the book of proverbs, old testimony, proverbs twenty seven. You've probably heard this before. As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharp as a man. It's not only the fourth step in the visit deep you the hanging. The man and woman you'll be...

...in the next five years will depend be depends, will depend upon the people you hang out in those books you read. You know you can hang around with a bunch of guys and at at three o'clock in the morning drinking, looking at the women while your wife is at home with the baby, talking to those guys about how your wife doesn't appreciate you, and you can hang around with a bunch of guys saying yeah, she's a bit you want to kick that out of inside. I wouldn't put up with that. Ship are you gonna hang out with? People say what the Fund is wrong with you? Why don't you grow the Hell Up, Russell? You know you're twenty seven years old. You got a wife baby at home. With the hell you're doing in this bar? Why don't you being a man? Why don't guys I like to hang around with. Yeah, I used to like hanging hang around with Sheldon Prince. I like to hang around the guys that think like I do and act like I do, immaturely and idiots. You know what I mean this, since I'm not just because it came right after you do that thing, I'm not talking about it. You're my what do you again? My security, my what do you want? Your emotional support. You're my emotional support person. Okay, so you know, don't get all bothered by that. Joey needed an EMINEM's. Well, I'm glad you gotta. Okay. So, so the bottom line is so, let me give you an example. Uh. And the thing is this dishonesty, the dishonesty that I have as alcoholic. The thinking is very, very, very subtle. So let me let me explain to how how subtle it can be and how it can leads complete disaster. So I may be the only guy. I don't think I'm the only guy who's like this, but I I I like gals. You know what I mean? Well, I got three daughters and I got five granddaughters. So I don't like gals now the way I used to like gals because, uh, plus, I'm old and worn out and angel do that to you. And what happens is when you raise daughters and you have granddaughters and you love them, you, you, you look at women differently. I don't know, I don't know how to explain it, but you just look at women differently. I look at the women like I look at my daughters. I mean, there's still a little something in this. My E shes been looking, but I look at women. I actually feel sorry for him. And you guys are great, but I feel sorry for women because you bless them. They they, this may get me in trouble, but from what, from where I'm saying they put way too much emphasis on the men. Uh, and I am a man and I like men, but the last thing you ever want to do is they's your life on a man or whether you have a man or whether you don't have a man. Man Don't do that. For the most part, with men, it's all about jobs, you know. They don't get the wife leaves, it's okay, they'll they'll feel pain for a little while, you know what I mean. They might feel sorry for themselves. They get another one that we place her, you know what I mean. And then there's something steam comes from how much money they're making, what kind of car they're driving, stuff like that. As long as they got a job in a car, they don't care, you know, they're just replace yeah, that's the way they were brought up. You know, I got a car, I got a job, I got money. Screw it, I don't care, you know. But women like really to focus on men. It's a horrible, horrible addition, you know what I mean, what they think and everything like that, and so I actually feel sorry for them, but I'll probably get me in trouble. They'll probably I probably did something wrong, like they standard such a thing. Yeah, that's okay. I'M NOT gonna be around the plant up much long here anyway, so it's not so in any event. Uh, and God forbid, I'm running into a man who puts too much up as a son, a woman, you know that kind of thing. So here's the deal. I'm getting off the top. So here's the deal. You know what you want to do. You really want to say something that pisses people off, because then they leave and they start thinking about it and they can't stop thinking about it. Then something happens, magical, you know. I don't know. So I'm so I went out almost every other night, two bars for her. I fell in love with every woman. You know that I had a romantic I mean, I mean I'm like into that deal, you know. And you know, if I had a gal I was okay and if I didn't have a galot, I wasn't. I wasn't okay and blah, blah, blah. And I'm into Galos. So one day I see a gal you know, when the big book it's...

...talks about motives, and one of I'm not quoting this exactly, one of the things that talks about motives with alcoholics that are insane. It says sometimes we think we're virtuous and sometimes we're selfish and crazy, but most of the time with alcoholics are motives are mixed. We don't really understand why we do the things we do. We don't. We just do things and we don't and then we try to justify later. So I I studied all my life in college and everything like that to uh, to advanced mathematics. My dream was to be a math professor. I multivariable calculus and cacules of manipology. I think by the time I graduated school with my Bachelors With Department wants of Mathematics, I had done all the PhD courses and everything like that and that's what I wanted to be. I wanted to be a mathemtis. I was just into the math thing, chemistry and things like that, and I meant I was gonna Watch the course one day, you know, in my senior year, and there was a gallet walk it was like it's so like a bullshit course. It wasn't like a serious court just to get a Predat to when the scout walked in with like legs up to here, you know, beautiful Gal walked in and I said to myself, because alcohol say these things, at least my far about posts, might say, if only I could have that Gal, everything would be okay. Now, if you're an alcohol you might notice that everyone's while you say things like if only, if only had that car, if I only had that man, if I only had that Gal, if only an romance relationship, I only my wife. You live like in if only life. Yes, I'm an if only er, and yes, butter, and you don't understand that you have these idea and you know when you say, if only I had her, I'd be okay, but you don't realize you're saying is I'm not okay. So every time you say, if only I had her, I'd be okay, you're constantly saying yourself I'm not okay, I'm not okay, I'm not over well, and you spend the whole life telling yourself you're not okay, you're not okay, you're not okay. It actually believes they're not. has like a little bit of an effect on you. Yeah, you understanding, probably where your self esteem it. That's why the gals end up with guys that'd like to beat up on them and they can't leave him because they deserve becauseaid, I don't care. They're not. O'm not okay and say if I lose this guy, I'm never gonna get another guy. You know what, and then wind up with the same sort of toxic relationships because they don't deserve to have somebody better, because they're not okay, you know what I mean. They damaged goods, you know, they don't deserve to have somebody treats them nice. You know what I mean, because you're basically pieces of ship and someone. Listen, by the way, don't get all nervous, and so I'm not talking about you guys. That's what I'm saying. Maybe Sheldon, possibly Sheldon. Okay. So this guy walks in and I look at her and I say your phone, I can have this Gal. I'd be okay. So I do what any decent alcohol kid would do. And you know, alcohol hasn't taken over my life yet, but the thinking was right there. And I do this. I start trying to insinuate myself into her life. You know, I'm wine or a diner. I Meet Her dad, I meet her mother. Her father is a doctor, famous doctor. Mother is a lawyer, her grandfather's a lawyer for the SEC. I get the real team picture. These men, these people, are into professional people. I started thinking, you know, really what this math thing? You know, you can't make a lot of money on this math thing. I should be a doctor or a lawyer. So I go to the medical school and they said we don't have any biology. If you have a chemisp you a stout, you have matthews, dont you got to physicate? I'll be young. If you go back to school to a year in biology, will in the mental you become a doctor. But I'm an alcohol I don't know what kind of alcoholic you'll are. I ain't about going back. I'm not doing any fucking year anywhere. You know what I mean? Because I want this thing now. You know. So the law of school says, Hey, we'll take you. You got three and your bucks, you know, go over there. I threw in your bucks again and evencome a lawyer. So you asked me and we get married. I'm married to Gal. Okay, get to work for the State's Attorney's office division chief over there. Got a house in my beach. We have baby. She's there in the whole bit. It's a little wonderland. So you asked me why do you become a doctor? I mean, why do you become a lawyer? And I say to you, because I believe it, I say to you, well, the recent I became a lawyer. It's because I like watching Perry Mason and I always like those legal shows and I always like the idea of whatever the heck I say. I say something, you know, because I'm not really insane, I'm brilliant. I just come up with something and I'll believe it. But let me tell what the truth is. I became a lawyer and changed...

...everything in my life to get into some gals pants. I'm sure you're laughing because you don't know what it's like. You know what I mean. I spend money I don't have to get where I want to go. I mean I I have no integrity whatsoever. You will go something in front of me, I will sell you down the tubes and I will lie. You know. That's the deal. That's the way I am and uh, and that's the deal. So I get married to her. Everything is wonderful. For well, let me say. Anybody ever buy a new car? I put a new car great art, a thing. You know what a new car is like. After like around six months or a year or less, I was like a piece of ship. You know what I mean. That's why you gotta Buy anothery car, you know. Well, it's sort of like for me. It works the same way with women. You know, it may take a year or two, but eventually, you know they have a new car, smell wears off and the fins and all of a suddense just start saying things like no, are you with your start like that. You know they don't have you know, I like them. You know when you're dating them, you know they say sure, honey, yes, honey. You know they look at though with those eyes like you're like a God and they'll do anything and everything in the sexest grain and everything's great and then, like a year's you down the road and they're like counting, they're whipping you like a rent and mule, you know what I mean. Like also, it's a ship you have to take out of the garbage. You never you know, I could have been with Joe. Why am I with you? You know, I'm like, well, you guys don't know what it's like. You know, it's a very serious verb thing. So so what happens is um so I start drinking. I'm drinking and gold to the bar. And I'm not saying I did that because she was. She was actually on. She wasn't you know. I'm just making this ship up. But this is the way I see it, you know, because I just got tired. He wasn't cheating the new car. The car was a good car, but it wasn't doing for me what it did for me when I first drove it out of the show room. The Gal was a good Gal, but she just wasn't doing it for me. So I figured it's like, you know, I'm thinking I got married. I'm sitting there in the bar. There's all these good looking gals there like they used to be. I'm thinking, man, if I only had this one, I've only had that one, but I'm patting myself on the pack because I never physically cheated on my wife. Never physically cheated on my wife. So I you know, but I'm doing the F only and I'm there to two o'clock in the morning, three o'clock, what coming with? My Wife's at home with the deal, but I just don't even think about it that way. I'm thinking about what a great guy I am because I'm not cheating on my wife, even though I want to cheat on my wife, you know what I mean. And after all, I'm here with for work because I'm with all the homicide guys. And I'm a homicide, you know, a d a. So and I'm it's really sort of like work thing, sitting there drinking and looking at the women, you know what I mean. And I didn't think I was really doing anything wrong. And and my wife is like getting upset, which is really it's unfair, considering aren't I work? One day she says to me, become home, troup one more time, I'm leaving you. I was early in the morning, I was sober, but I wasn't so reminded. I drive the car away. I go three loss and I said, tells me by that, you know, come on, yeah, because I don't even understand why she's upset. You know what I mean. It couldn't be the drink. What's what's wrong? You know what I mean. And because one of the consequences of being alcoholics whenever you hear something you don't like, it confused you, you know. So if somebody tells you something which may be the truth, but you don't like it, because if it is the truth, then you feel guilty, you have to change. You know, what happens is you just hate the person you're talking to you or you're turning them off or you just ignore it, you understand, because that's what alt does, alcoholist do. Uh. And you know, because it's, like you said, well, he's criticizing you know, and since you think shitty about yourself, you know where you go to as you go to the place of you don't like people criticizing you, and so you go fuck you, you know, you do your program, might do my program and you don't change, you know, and that's the way it work. You don't say, maybe he has a point or anything like that, because that would be too like sober. You know what I mean. So that's the way your mind works. So so they maybe one socially. Did you come home drunk one time leaving? You came home drunk to kick me out of House. Blah, blah, blah. That's the deal. I was excited because now I could date the redhead, you know what I mean, to go to the deal and date the redhead. So then she says. Then she says, because we're married, we have a little child. She believed the Marri did you you know in marriage, when you go to the ceremony, did you know this, they say until death to us part quite frantically. I think that's a little fucking stringent. Be Honestly, until death do us part. You know, I swear I don't remember saying that, you know,...

...because while I was drinking. But in any event, it was a big party. But, but, but, she said she wanted to try to make a go of it. So I went to the marriage councilor marriage council, l asked my wife's he says, so, what do you want to change about Russell? I wasn't able. I think she said something about to drink in her coming home. I'm not sure. But what I knew I had a date that night with a Gal. You know. What I knew was I had just gotten out of the cage. I was gonna read a bulge, you know what I mean. And this was if I if I that they were dragged like God, that they were dragging me back in. So when he turned to me, he said, how do you want? How do you what do you think? What do you want, Russell? You know, heard the change, nieces, and I said, and this is what I said, Colson quote sober, but I wasn't sober. What I said was I just want to date other women. I didn't actually think of that story it's a true story. Until I was like ten years so. Do you will believe that? How did somebody forget something? I say that at a meeting, that's exactly reaction I get. Women say, let's shoot this bastard right now. I hate him. I used to like him. I hate him, you know, because you know who does that? Bums, pieces of ship do stuff like that, and I did that without even thinking. By the way, that was the end of the session. Yea, that was you know. Now let me explain something to you. Here's the here's here's the point I'm on emphasized when I got divorced with my wife. If you asked me why I got divorced, what I would tell you is, look, I liked it. She's good, gown, everything like that, and she knew I used to party, we used to go out and used to drink. She knew I got used to drink and everything like that. Everything was doing good. I was still good. And when I got a Susan got married, she tried to change. You know, all of a sudden she wants me to stop drinking. All the sudden she wants to start party, she wants to stought to and he says the truth is, we got married too young. We weren't ready. You understand what I'm saying, and she didn't really understand me and we were two different people and we really didn't belong together, and that's the reason why, you know, we shouldn't have got married and we're too young, and that's it, and that's the reason why. And listen to me and I believe that story. I believe that story. It wasn't because I was immature, it wasn't because I had no integrity, it wasn't because I was a selfish asshole. I believe that story just sort of like a mistake. Made a mistake. I'm sorry, I'm shot. I'm sorry I shot your wife. You know there's a kid, but I made a mistake. It's not a big deal. Don't make me feel guilty, and I believe that story forever. That's the way my mind works. Now, that's just one story. If that's the way your mind works, and something that's important that you can imagine, I'm leave corpses in my way for the next five years, drinking and drum because that's the way I think about life and how you treat people and anything like that. Then I get into a a, I start doing inventory, I start talking to people. I started talking to sponsors. Remember the man and woman you'll be in the next five years. Wipend pump people. You hang out with the books you read, all right, and UH. It's not only the fifth step, which is part of the process. It's about hanging around with men who won't allow you to talk bullshit. It's about going into a looking at a sponsor and pointed to your degrees on the wall, which had a lot of women, saying these are my degrees, and have him look at you says, you know, rect with thermometers have degrees and you know what they do with them. It's about having a man tell you that you know as much about life as a dog knows about your fun his father. It's about a man. It's about people, taking humiliation and ship dished out by a sponsor. It's about people. It's about going through the fourth step and inventory step and writing things down. And then all of a sudden I'm seven, eight, nine years sober and somebody asked me why you get why did you get divorced? And and I tell the truth. Well, and all of a sudden, and now I'm doing meetings and I'm telling this story. You know, there's the first story. You know, she didn't understand yet I understand. We got married too young and everything like that. And then there's the second story, because I'm a selfish, self centered alcoholic that can't be trusted, that all I care about is myself. I don't care about my child, I don't care about my wife, I don't care about anything. About means absolutely nothing to me, and all that's all I care about. You understand what I'm saying. So there's the first story, which is the alcoholic story, which I believe even when I'm not drinking, and then there's another story and it's all the truth. It's called...

...the truth. And then I start seeing all sorts of things that went on. You know, it's about telling myself for years that I don't give a ship what other people think about me and announcing that to the world like I'm a big shot. What all I do is worry about what people are thinking about me and scared of other people's judgment and getting to the other side of that. And it's there's so many lies. It's living a life of lies. They've been a line dishonest life. So when they say like in the Bible and they say be sober minded, they're not talking about sobriety in terms of drinking. They're talking about the difference between an alcohol. They can't understand the truth from the false. That's arguing with the book, but they're arguing with I mean, I've sponsored a lot of people and they're people that listen to me and follow directions, and then there are people that want to argue with me. And you know, I gotta tell you something. I'm just sticking up where I don't like. I'm just I'm just sticking up. I'm not just spent a lot of time arguing with people. I'm not saying to do what ever you want to do. You know what do you what are you telling alcohol that won't do what you tell him do? So I tell him to do whatever the funk I want to do. They're gonna do that anyway. Do that anyway. You know what I mean. Problem is you get too attached to alcoholics. You know, we want them to like us, you know. You know we want to want to look like their pets or something. You know what I mean. Like that cleverly, I mean, people are monsters, you know. Like. You know that what my my my things that, without sponsoring somebody is one of us is going to drink, and it ain't gonna be me, because I know you're gonna test me some sort of bullshit, you know. You know you're gonna call me up one night and say you don't understand or something like that, at three o'clock in the morning. You know, and and so this is the kind of stuff the sixth that mixing with, you know, how you learn how to be be honest and you learn who you really are and what this is about. You hang out with people in coffee shops and you listen to sober people talk about this world, in their lives. Sober hey listen. Even listening to some guy who's maybe my sponsor, my mentor helping another guy with problems, showing where he's delusional. You know, I'm thinking, holy sh it, how does he see this stuff? How how do you see it? That's true. I didn't see that. Some guy asked a question and I don't know the answer to it, or maybe my answer is, you know, some sort of crazy answer, and he says this is your problem, like the story I tell them. I'm not gonna tell it because things too long. But most of you guys know when I went with my sponsor and I said I want to divorce my wife, and after ten years, because all the ship she did to me and how I said I was and I laid out the twenty things she did to me, and he said that's not why you have said. And then when I said why, wouldn't mean no, I just told you, here's twenty things, because if we know anything, we know what we're said what, and he said as he said, why might I up said, he says, listen, stupid, you're upset because you're upset able, and I'm trying to digest what he just said. You're upset because you're upset able. You're not upset because of what your wife said her. You're upset because you're upsetable. If you weren't upset about what she said, how would you feel? Well, I'd be okay, there you go, so don't let up on you. So my wife comes home, she'd probably listen to this reporting. Well, it's searching. Right. My wife comes home. You had like a little fight before she left, you know, and she went home because she saw the grand baby up in South Carolina. And I go up to her and I hugged her and I kissed her and she smiles at me, you know, like like, like she loves me. She has that face, like the love face, you know what I mean. She loves me and IT SA. I'm glad to see her home because I do love her, you know. And then within thirty seconds he loosten me. He says, you know, I told you I wanted to sit down and talk to you. You have made many any time to talk to me. I said yeah, and then she puts on the other face, you know, other face, because she had what she was telling me that she loved me, but then she remembered that she hated me. You never she said, Oh, she was slipping out of character. You know what I mean, if you meant and she said yea anything battle that he says you want to sell the house. Seems split the money all of somewhere and divorced heaven. You know what I mean. And uh, but that's something, because how can I say it? It doesn't bother me the way east to bother you know. I mean. She says things, she does things. You know, stuff happens, ship happens, people bounce checks, people act crazy. In this world, people will act crazy, you will have problems, but you know, the truth of the matter is you're never gonna get to the point in this world where they that...

...things are gonna Happen and people aren't that bad and people are gonna let you down. And God knows, I probably let her down a bazillion touch you know what I mean. But the truth of the matter is, if you could somehow get to the point we have teflon skin and you're you're not so touchy, because alcoholics are not sensitive. Get off the sensitive stuff. Great artists are sensitive. You're just touching, you know. If you can stop being touching, you know what I mean, and take things so personal and trying to think of things from other people's point of view, then it doesn't bother you so much, so when they act crazy, you don't have to put them a gun in your mouth. And and I'm gonna close with something my sponsor, a story my sponsor once told me which I thought was great, so I've stolen it like cread my sponsors dion, and he was telling about love, because I have a really insane idea of love. All my life. I said, well, I'm in love. I'm in love. Alcoholics are constantly fall in love, you know, until they fall out of love. I'm in love, I'm in love. To me, love is like a feeling. It's like a feeling, you know, which probably is linked with sex, to and stuff like that. So he said he was with a priest one day and a guy walked up to the priest and he said, he said, uh, I'm I'm gonna divorce my wife. I don't love her anymore. And I can't remember what he's talking about. Him or another. He says, I don't love her any I don't love her anymore. And the priest said to him, why you have a divorced he says because I don't love her anymore. And he said, and the priest said this. He says, well, then love her. He says, no, no, no, you don't understand. I don't love her anymore. Just, yeah, I don't. Well, then love her. He says, no, you're not listening to me. I don't love her anymore. And he says, I heard what you said, but but you see, you have to understand. Love is not a feeling, it's a decision. It's a decision. Decide, you're going to love her no matter what and you're gonna take care of her and protect her no matter what. I love my wife, you know, if I love my if I truly love my first life instead of loving myself, I would have been home every night. I would have been thinking about my Childford. I would have made a decision to love her. That's the kind of decision we make when we make a decision to love God and put our lives in the hand to God. You know I mean. It's you make a decision, you know that you're gonna love God and you're gonna turn your life and your will over to him and you make a decision. It's not a feeling. People are waiting for like a way around, for like a feeling to happen. You know, when the feeling doesn't happen, they say screw the God ship, I'm going after the woman, the man and stuff like that. They think things aren't working. The only thing is not working is you're not working. You know what I mean, because it's it's not a feeling, it's a decision. That's why they say later on in the book there's a third step, decision, and then later on when you're talking about ten and eleven on. They talk about a sincere decision. There's a difference. To me. Listen, I've made many, many decisions to go on a diet thousands, and when I made him I really meant it and and I would lose weight. And then I make a decision to go off the Diet. I make a decision go on the Diet and off the Diet. You know, we're making decisions every day. You know you can't make a decision for God. Well, I guess you can, because you do it all the time. You get on your needs, you make a decision for God and then you get off. You easy to make a decision that you're not gonna love God. You make a decision for God, a third step decision for God, and then you get angry at somebody talking about God and a amy because you think it's like an appropriate even when the big book says we never apologize for God. See if your relationship with him is right. I mean when you tell me that talking about God and amy and he bothers you, but you're telling me if you're not sober number one, then you still have the disease. That's what happens on that come on, and you really didn't make any type of decision for God. Because you made a decision for God, you'd be grateful that somebody has talked about God. Those are the only means you'd want to go to. We're they're talking about God. So thank you very much.

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