AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 119 · 1 month ago

Russell S. Talk 1 at the Sober Way Out Group 6/21/2022

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Talk 1 from Russell S. Step Series Tuesday nights at the South Dixie Sober Way Out Group, Miami, FL started June 2022.

It's great to be here. My name is Russell spats. I'm an alcoholic. I'm a member of the South Tixie group and I haven't found nes starving drinks since January. January, I'm I'm seven, nineteen one. I'm like forty second year. Okay, so I'm seventy three years of age. I've been married forty one years. Four kids, raised sober and eight grank. Eight or nine. I have eight or nine grand I think I have. I don't know. I have a lot of grand I think she was either eight or N I don't know, but a lot of grandkids, self appointed from own contributions. So, Um, I'M gonna I'm gonna just say a bunch of ships. I don't even say you know, I just realized that this particular group, the I call it the Little River Group. I know you're the no way out group, or whatever that is. You don't have a chance group, or whatever the heck it is. I've been yeah, I've been doing this way too long. Yeah, you ever hear in the big book they say rocking in the fourth dimension of existence? I've been rocking in the fourth dementia of existence since the other day, and this is true story. This is absolutely true. I mean, you know, that's why I love an incors. You could tell truth ship my wife. This was actually about three years ago. It wasn't the other day. I've been I've been doing steps here almost every year for the last over thirty years, except for the last couple of covid things. Uh, you know whatever, we missed that deal. And UH. And I've been on zoom. I do about three or four or five zoom meetings a day. And I got my I got you guys, you know, you're alive and large and everything. And I got the Hollywood squares here, a bunch of midgets. I love these guys. I see these guys all the time. God bless you guys. They're here. So Uh. And so it's I'm gonna Talk to you about a few things and don't get upset. I'll get upset if you want. So I can't stop you from getting upset. You know, just remember whenever you disturbed, no matter what the cause, is something wrong with you. It Ain't my problem. You know, I'm actually only speaking to what an audience will want. I always speak, I used to speak early on, to an audience. So to this audience but that was pretty crappy. I did the best job I could, because then you gotta worry about whether they like you or not and your filter, your Martin remarks and stuff like that. But but after forty one years, actually after twenty five years, I started to speak to an audience. One you know, there is one who lies all power. He's not a higher power. He's not a higher power. A good looking blonde with a great body is a higher power for me. Money is a higher power for me, a new Mercedes is a higher power for me. A job is a higher power. For me, you can look at me and chocolate cakes a higher power. For Higher Power has never got me sober, never kept me sober, never got me rocked in the fourth dimension of existence, never stopped me worrying about what other people thought about me, never relieved me of the bondage of fear. You See, I don't know what kind of alcoholism you have. I have the serious type. I need the highest power, and there's only one firest power, says me. You find from now being a defying alcoholic and thinking that I'm smarter than anybody else. I mean, I graduated with departmental honors and mathematics. It's going for my PhD in Algebraic topology. Decided to go to law school become a division chief of the state's Attorney's office. Was a law professor in law school, National Science Condition Fella, being a smart, full of Shit Alcoholic thinking, I knew everything. Uh, that's hard to lose,...

...you know, it's it's an impossible way of life before you get sober. But the alcohol drinking is but a symptom of the disease. It's a symptom only, and you the reason you find that out eventually is when you stop drinking and you're so excited about stopping drinking and three months later you wake up at three o'clock the morning and you realize you're crazy. Like one of my sponsors once said, when he was about three months ober, he called me up on the phone. He said, this is Tommy, one of my sponsors. He called me up. He was a former division chief in the states attorneys off of me and he called me up and he said, Um, he had been uh, he was a star Athlete at the University of Florida. He was a top attorney and the prosecutor's office down here. You know, prosecuting the top cases. And he hauled me up and and he called me up and he uh, he was strung out on booze and cocaine and, Um, he couldn't make it to court. His hair was down to hear, he had one pair of jeans left and was sleeping on a friend of ours floor, probation officers floor. And he called me up and he told me he had a problem, he didn't know what to do and he had to be in court and he was strung out. And I've been a for about three years and and I said, Tommy, just relaxed. I called up the chief judge, I got him excused from the deal and, uh, I ran down together him. I took him to his first day and meeting and he took to a like a duck takes the water. I mean he was ready put a fork in it and he loved a and the next day cut his hair, you know, like he got like a g I cut you know what I mean. He was like he was back at the University of Florida. He got he looked like a Jock, you know what I mean. And he was and uh, he was back to the old well, sort of the old Tommy again. But you know, I mean he looked like the old Tommy, but he was still he was still the way you are when you first come in and uh, and he just went to like two or three Ms a day, even though he was still in attorney. He worked in a lead factory for the first year. He was sober because of the way our minds because you know he was he was not drinking, he was physically sober. But and he calls me up on the phone after his three months sober and he says, Rolsie, he says, I have to leave A. I said, Tommy, I said, what are you talking about? This is I have to leave A. and he was like whispering it, like you didn't want people to hear it on the phone. And I said, Tommy, I said, you love A. Says, I know, I says, I I know, I love it. And he says, he says, he says, but I have to leave. I said, Tommy, you you're sober, you've been going to a meetings, you love A. It's working out for you, getting better. You know, you're doing great. He says, I know, I know, but I have to leave A. and I said, well, why do you have to leave a and he says, and then he whisper. He says, I don't think I'm an alcoholic. I said, what do you mean? You're not an alcohol you're sleeping on the fucking floor of the probation officer. You called me up. Your life is in the trash can, your hair was down to here. You couldn't stop using coke or booze or any of that stuff. You're coming here and you're STLF. What do you mean you're not alcoholic? SES, no, no, he says. He says, I know. I said you're right, he says, but listen, he says, I think rus so, I think I might, I think I might just be crazy. And I said, you know, he had sobered up enough where he started thinking. You guys know about think, your alcoholics, and just you know about thinking right. What's gonna Happen? What they're gonna do on such a phony? I can't believe it's happening to me. I M as well to myself. I'm loser. I'm always gonna be a loser. You know, you're in the shower lathering up and says I'm an asshole. You know I'm a piece of ship. You know. You look around, so he's telling you that ship. You're the only one in the shower. You know what I mean. You...

...know, you're just, you know, the constant barrage of bad shit about yourself and other people and, uh, you know the whole bullshit, you know. And that's three months ober, you know, and that last still around twenty five years, by the way. I'm telling you that because if you have ten years or fifteen years and you're going through that ship from time to time, if you happen to have twenty five years and you haven't been rocking in the fourth dimension of existence and you haven't experienced much of heaven and you haven't lost fear of people in the BCTOP in security, you still worried about money and stuff like that and you think you're a loser in your piece of craft because you've been working this thing for five years, ten years, three years, whatever hell it is, and it just doesn't happen to you. I just want you to know that's normal. You know what you're doing for the first ten or fifteen years, the twenty years of sobriety, you'll learned about what the disease is actually about. You don't really know I I had. You know, I had absolute alcohol I had alcoholism before I started drinking, during the drinking, after I stopped drinking, because the alcoholism centers in your mind, not your body. It's it's about spending more money than you make to buy ship. You don't need to impress people you don't even like. It's about doing stupid things with stupid people and hanging around. It's about hanging around with people that make you feel like Shit, but somehow you keep on hanging around him because you just got it. It's about being a reach please don't reject me, a haul it, please love me a haulic. It's about walking into that bar worrying about whether people are gonna like you, whether you're gonna belong to the group or connect with people, and and you're you're scared that they're gonna they're gonna make fun of you or talk to you, talk about behind your back, you're gonna say something stupid and and you have a couple of drinks and you feel like you're own the fucking group. It's about talking to a meeting and then walking out and say, why did I say that ship? I'm such an asshole. It's about. It's about being in classrooms and the and the and the and the teacher says and your sober says, anybody have a question? And you have a question, but you want to raise your hand because what if it's a stupid question? It's about anybody have the answer and you know you have the answer and you want to raise your hand, but what if it's not the answer? It's about living a life totally fucking in fear of everybody, drunk, sober, in a out a. It hangs on for years and you don't even realize what alcoholism is until you've got about ten or fifteen years under your belt and you got through all the bullshit and everything like that, and you think it's never gonna work for you, because there's two groups in alcoholics. ANONYMA says they're not drinking club and there's a million people in front of not drinking club and they're staying in front of that door not drinking, and there are members of the not drinking club in there and they're crazy, like Tommy. I said to Tommy, I said, I said Tommy, he says listen. I said listen. He says what I said. Listen, he said. I don't think I'm an alcohol. I think I'm just I said, listen, he said what I said, Tommy, you can beat both. He said really, he says, yeah, you can be an alcohol and crazy. He said, Oh, thank God, I thought I had a lead. But you know, it's hard to because we're so well defended. You know what I mean? You can't go up to an alcohol and say you're crazier. And said, if you're sponsoring you can say you can beat them up a little bit, but you can't really because because we're so you're like, you know, it's it's so much. For years, it's so much like take your own fucking inventory. Who The hell are you? You don't know what you're talking about, right, you know, because it's so it's like Carl Manager said in a book man against himself, about suicide as an old chapter and alcoholics, alcoholics are are are are people who are really out to destroy themselves because, no matter how much we think we're the greatest thing in the world, truth matter is is that all alcoholics makes the feel there unworthy and the piece of ship. You know when you're unworthy and you feel you're a piece of ship and you feel like if everybody knew exactly who you were and what you were, they would never have anything to do with you...

...and you're always gonna be a fucking loser. When that's the basis of your life, you understand there are certain consequences to that. One of the consequences maybe you have to have a few drinks or snorts or something like that in order to connect with anybody because you're so fucking scared. There may be other consequences that you've got to spend more money than you make, or you've gotta be perfect or you have to control or stuff like that. Is Somebody. There's so many aspects and less than until an alcohol accepts his alcoholism and all its consequences, his sobriety be precarious and true happiness will he'll find that at all. My first wife told me after five years Um had a beautiful child at a house on Miami beach on the golf course there is working with the state Saturney's office. Got Home Every night around two o'clock in the morning drunk and after five years of putting up with that crap, I didn't think there was anything wrong. I never cheated on my wife, Um. I was a lounge. Listen, I used to sit around the bars and look at the Blonde Brunettes and redheads and I never cheated or not. I would just sit around the bars and my wife was at home with a baby, thinking about cheating mother, thinking about man if I'm and if only are in a yes butter. Alcoholics are aphone using yes but I'm if I wake up, if only my wife would treat me differently, if only I had a different life, I've only had another girlfriend, if only I had more money, if I only had a different job, and then I would feel sorry for myself forgetting manned or try to get that deal going, that situation going, and maybe I get it, maybe I wouldn't get it. Maybe I put that thing in my life, with that thing I needed in order to feel like it was a man or everything was okay, or I was okay, and I get it in and I feel good. It's like booze. I'm an alcohol because no job, no woman, no matter of money, no, no, nothing ever worked quite as well or quite as fast as just a few drinks. And so I drank it. If I could drink it today and have to do for me what it did for me when I was eighteen years old. It's they'll be doing it, but it just doesn't work for me anymore. So I don't do it, but other things do it. You know, I'm a world whore. I'm a whore for the things of this world. After ten or fifteen years you realize that's why they say you can't love God in cash. You can't love with God and the woman. God is either everything or he's nothing. He's not in between. Those are the choices. He's everything or he's nothing. And I want to tell you something. A comes down on the side of everything. That's why it says you gotta utterly abandon yourself to God. That's why it says you're on a new based space of trust and relying upon God. That's why it says in the big book, but how will we know you? He says, we don't know that. Your real reliance has to be on God. He will show you how to create the fellowship be creved. That's why the fellowship I created as a fellowship, a Godly Fellowship, and I hang around them all the time and I talked about him all the time, because I speak only to an audience of one, because you guys ain't keeping me sober as much as you think it is and as much as I thought my sponsor was the one and I thought my group was the one. I thought good only direction wasn't when I said all that crap, was the one. But there is one. And when I finally realized that, and that was the story, things started changing with me. I went from the not drinking club to the rocket in the fourth dimensioned club, and there's three people in front of that door and not many people make it there because we're just that defined. We're just not gonna be told what to do. So this is Dr Bob, the good old timers. This conference approved. I talked about non conference approved stuff too, but there's no there's no such thing. There's no such thing, by the way, as non conference approof did you know that? Did you know that a was started in nineteen thirty five? The big book was written in Nineteen Thirty Nine, Ninety nine the big book was written. In the big book it said rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly the world where it has thoroughly followed our path, which means you do what we did, you'll get what we got and what do we get?...

We got rocket in the fourth dimension of existence. Do What we did? Now, let me tell you the one thing they weren't doing for the first five years in a they weren't reading the Big Book. Now, I know this is tough for you guys to figure out and I don't know if you don't understand that. You know, I may have to have a longer conversation, but if you read Dr Bob, the good old timers, it says in there clearly the books we found absolutely essential. Say The word essential. Okay, you know, you know what essential means. It means essential, means essential, you know. And so if essential means essential, what do you think absolutely essential means? means like really damn essential. Right. So in the in the twelve, in this book, which I commend you to get and read if you want to find out what they were actually doing, it says the books we found absolutely essential was, for scrinthians thirteen, sermon on the Mount and the book of James. So I'll ask you. Have you have you been studying the book of James and Sermon on the mountain and first quans thirteen? And so the ANS will be no, because who gives a crap. What it said, what the becauses. What you ultimately find out is that, you know, this isn't exactly. Well, people's anonymous and I hear I go to a lot of means, you know, I've gone to over forty ms and and you know something, I can't tell you how many people I've heard say, well, I had seven years and then I drank. Well, I had one year and then I drank. Well, I had five years and then I drank. I had twenty years and then I drank. I can't tell you how many people I've heard say that. Not Putting them down, but I've heard say that. I've heard more people talk about having time and drinking after one year then I've heard people drinking and slipping before that time, before one year. Because I can tell you, and you know why, because I can tell you this, if there were as many faith a logues in alcoholics anonymous as there are drunk a logs and alcoholics anonymous, there'd be less people drinking after five years. That's just the bottom line. You know, there is one of SEOID. Your relationship with him is right, and great events will come to bad once you there. Selfishness, self centeredness, that's the disease, it says. That's what it says. It says driven in by a hundred forms of fear of self delusion, and self deluded. We're deluded. The alcoholic life. Seems are only normal life. You can't separate true from the false. We can't even think, and we love to think and analyze. We above everything, above everything, which basically means above everything. We must get rid of this selfishness, and we don't even know we're selfish because we think we're good people. The first thing I learned is you gotta learn how selfish you are. Above everything, you must get rid of the selfishness. We must start kills us. God makes that possible, not the higher power. God makes that possible. It seems. There's no way we're gonna rid of it, except for that deal. This is a big book stuff. It says, once we make a sincere decision for God, and trust me, there's a difference between a decision for God and a sincere decision for God. If you're worried about what other people are gonna think about you, if you say the word God, you haven't made a sincere decision. Doesn't mean you're bad doesn't mean you're not going to it means you're on defense. You Know, defense is half measures avail us nothing. There is no middle of the road solution. Utterly abandon yourself to God. Now I can tell you this took me twenty years, twenty five years. You know, you gotta fake it till you make it and work your way up to it. I'll tell you get slammed enough in this deal. You ultimately make the decision. That's when everything takes off and everything changes. There is no middle of the road solution, and I'm the middle of the road kind of guy. I'm not a fanatic. I mean, you know, I want the whole thing. I want to be you after I want all the girls. This is what happened to me.

I was seventeen years old. I was in Sebring, Florida. I drank a court bottle of Carl a court bottle of cold forty five mold Laker, and I got laid. The next thing I remember I was thirty years old, sitting in a bar with Tommy Drinking Scotch at at two o'clock in the morning, and the last thing I want to do is get laid because I would have to get off the bar stool and leave the Scotch and it was just too much of a fucking hassle. And let me tell you something, when your whole life is chasing tail and chasing women and trying to be a big shot and a vanity and all that crap, you know what I mean, so that people will like you when you get some more, some other woman to look up to you and say I love you, so that you could feel not like a piece of ship, because you have to get somebody, try to connect with somebody, when you can never connect with anybody, when you walk around your life saying things like youngerstand, youngerstand what I'm saying. Youngerstand what I'm saying, because you're so sure that nobody could understand because you're so unique and you can never connect with anybody. And the only time you ever connect with anybody is when you have a drink or two or five or whatever it is, and then somehow you connect and then the booze wears off and you're not connected even you know when you got that deal going on, that's a disease, and that goes on after even afterwards, because that's in your mind. You don't even realize you have. You can hear it a day with sober people. They get up and they say things like Um, and of course that's an old idea that nobody can understand because I'm so different. Truth is, we're all we're all twins. That's why this thing works, that's why you listen to me. There's just in there say he's right, he's right. Yeah, I am, because because we're all twins, you know, and that's that's the real truth. You know, connecting, that sort of thing, and you don't even realize it. You come up here and you say things. Sometimes you heard a person say. Have you ever heard anybody say? I've said maybe, you said, you say this. Well, I don't know where this is gonna make any sense. or how about to give a talk and they say, not only does that make it any sense. You know what that is? That's self doubt. That's that hang on from the alcoholism, knowing that you can never really connect because you're so unique in a piece of ship. That's the disease of alcoholics. Anonymous. You know, when people get bad at the God thing, you know what that is. That's the disease of alcoholics. Anonymous. You know why? Because we have a book that says chapter of the agnostics. Have you ready if a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life would have helped us? Would have been sober a long time ago. A mere code of morals, good orderly direction, some people say that. You know, if you use that as God, then good, you get it. See how smart we are. Good G Oh D. I'm not saying I haven't used that growing up, you know, because that way you can use that and sound cool, because God knows, alcoholics want to sound cool, because they want to appear like they're not God freaks, God freaks, and then people laugh at him and then they'll have to kill themselves. You See. So the bottom lighte. Say, use good orderly direction, G O D, You see, and that way they don't come across as like being Bible thumpers or ship like that. You understand what I'm saying, because there's so they're more worried about what you think about them when you know you're not even thinking about and you're thinking about yourself or do the next ripe thing. That's not that's not the highest power or the higher power any that. If a mere code of morals, a better philoscy of life would help us be so over a long time ago. But those things didn't help us. Lack of powers our dilemma. We had to find a power, and that means we wrote a good book which is spiritual as well as mental, and that means of course we have to talk about God. And here's what the book says. And here's where the problem begins with alcoholics, because the hackles in the net go up and they get all piste off and they get mad and they're angry and everything like that. And they called that a problem asmatic. Later on the good the book, they say we lose all prejudice, even against organized religion. And I come in here and all I hear is about people that want to bash religion, bashed religious people, Bass Church, even though in the big book it says we encourage Church membership, Bash the...

God. Oh, don't talk about the God thing, don't talk about the God thing, he'll scare away the newcomer. Well, if the newcomer gets scared away, obviously has to drink enough, because nobody's scare me out of this place. And let me tell you something. I was. I was a lounge lizard interested in the girls. That's all I wanted was the girls the world. I lust it for everything in the world. And I came in here and let me tell you something, I was an agnostic. So the word go go, I never had any conversations about God, because what does that have to do with get an American spress card or belonging to the Playboy Club? And you know something, they were probably talking about God in here and it wasn't. I wasn't leaving. I wasn't leaving because I didn't want to drink. You know that I didn't want to drink. You know, no matter what people were saying to me, and thank God I hung around with people that I wanted what they had, and the people I wanted what they had were not scared of the God thing. So let's talk about the bucket of crabs. So, Um, if you ever go crabbing, I've never been crabbing, that's not gonna stop me from talking about it. If you ever go crabbing, and I know this because I was in an a meeting, you know, nine percent of stuff I talked about it is either from the Big Book Twelve and twelve or our literature, or I steal it from somebody else. But but I know this is true because I checked on if you ever go crabbing and uh, you want and you get a crab and you put it in a bucket, it'll crawl out of the bucket. So you know how you keep a crab in a bucket? You've gotta throw it in another crab because as soon as the first crab comes and starts crawling out of the bucket, the other crab will grab that crab and pull them back down. Now, I know you'll find this hard to believe, but a is not well, people's anonymous. We're lucky we show up fully clothed in in our right minds, you know what I mean, and most of us are fully close, but we're not necessarily in the right minds. So you've got guys having gonna tell you like don't worry about the God thing, or don't talk about the God thing, or you shouldn't be talking about the God thing, or forget about the God thing, when the whole thing, everything is about developing a relationship with God. So now I have to digress because it's too fucking serious. I'm getting too serious. So I think I got to tell you about what happened with me and the alky dog, the alky dog, you know, because I can actually be a fun guy too. You know what I mean. It's not done. So I was driving down the street, you know, I saw a sign talking dog for sale. So I don't know about you, but I was very curious. So I stopped the car and there was old guy sitting there and I said, what's the sign talking? He says, well, I got a dog, talking dog. I said, is he really talking? Yeah, he talks. He's in the back there. So I called him the Alcay Dog, and you'll understand why in a second. He said you gotta Talk, you talk him. So I said kind of. You said, just go back and talk to him, his old scruffy dog. And I go back and there's an old scruffy dog there, and so I walked up to him and I said, uh, what I said? You were talking. You're talking dog. He said Yeah, I'm talking dog. Yeah, you're talking. I said, yeah, I'm talk I've been talking ever since I'm a pup. You know. Twenty five years, twenty years. I'm old now. I said, yeah, this is like amazing. I've never I've seen it. He said Yeah, yeah, he says. You know. I said, this is how come I've never heard about he sayds. Well, you know, for the first ten years of my life I worked for the CIA. I was over in Russia's stations. I had a handler in Moscowen and my owner used to take me to the you know, the means of the KGP and the crow and the in the crown land and I'd sit there in...

...the meetings and they didn't pay attention to because I'm like a dog, you know. And and then afterwards my handler for the CIA would get me any debriefing and I tell him all about what was going on to Kremlin. And did AF for ten years and then I retired, came back to the states and I'm back in the states. I started working from Mont Santo and I got involved in industrial espionage and I'd be going over to the Dow chemical or dupont and my owner take me there. was a chemist and I sit there during the board meetings and I listened to all the new discoveries they were having. I take it back. Come on Santo and tell him I did that about ten years and now I'm retired. He says, I said, this is amazing. You gotta make a movie about this. that. Yeah, I'm and discussions now with the contracts, with Hollywood and everything like that, and they're gonna, they're gonna make a movie and Uh, it's gonna. I said, you know, this is unbelievable. I know, he says. He says, well, I'm talking to your owner. I'm thinking about I got a, you know, life, a couple of kids and I got a couple of dogs, but I mean you'd like them and and I'm thinking about buying. He says, well, yeah, absolutely, I don't know problem with that. That's cool and May. So I go up to the guy and I say, uh, so, I was speaking to your your dog there. I was talking to him and uh, Nice Guy and everything like that. It is just Um. So I'm thinking u behind him, how much you're going to sun him for? And he says ten bucks. I said ten bucks, he says, yeah, ten dollars. I said, he's a talking dog. How do you sell for only ten dollars? He says he's a liar. He never did any of that ship. You know what I mean. fucking alky dog, you know. So I meet a Gal and Um Nine, twenty years old and going to college. I meet a gal and her name. She comes to New Jersey and I fall in love alky love. You know alky love. You guys have been an Alky love right. You're always thinking about him. We always lusted about you. What they're gonna do? Who are they're gonna do? You're you're projecting the future with the kid. It's in the Blah, Blah Blah, and she loves you. And there's a whole lot of sex because you're eighteen years old and you can do that ship, you know what I mean. And as great sex, unbelievable. So there's sex every moment where you're thinking about sex, and then you're worried about whether she's going to have with another guy, what she's thinking, everything like. There's all that alkie love, worrying and everything like that. And for a year at the universe of Miami and she tells you, because I love her, because I love her, because I love her, you guys fell love Liz so in December. You know, she says, you know, my parents live in New Jersey and they haven't seen me in a year and they've been financing and they'd like me to come home for Christmas. And I look at this woman I love and I say you won't believe this is true. I said, well, what about me? And she says, well, this is my parents. I haven't seen me in a year. He says, yeah, but what about me? What am I supposed to do? And don't don't think I didn't realize that she had an old boyfriend up in up and New Jersey. I knew she was going to go to sleep at that sunble. Bitch, I know what's going on. You know I'm not stupid. You know the spots and raised no stupid kids, you know. So we have this major argument, this major blowout, blah, blah, blah, because she leaves and I'm sitting there and I'm drinking. I'm thinking. I'm drinking, I'm thinking because if you're gonna try to figure this thing out, you better have a few drinks. And I'm piste off and everything. Then I got an idea. It was this credit card that I had maxed out. I'M gonna buy a ticket and I'M gonna fly up there and surprise her on Christmas. So I get in my plane and I fly up there on Christmas morning. I'm not gonna do I said, surprise, it's me here to ruin your Christmas with your parents. You know. Well, I thought it was loved. The cops called. It's stalking, but what do they know? You know what I mean. You know what that is. That's being selfish. I didn't love her at all. You know what? You know who I loved. I loved me. I didn't even love me. I was just such...

...so I felt so bad about myself. I was so unable to be by myself on Christmas. I felt like such a piece of ship that I needed somebody to need me or to love me. So I was willing to ruin her Christmas. That's a that's the story. But you want to send that's the story of my life. So I meet this Gal in college later on, three or four years later, and she's gorgeous and it's nice looking. She's got great legs and all that show to crap and he's a cheerleader and all that crazy stuff. I said, man, if only I could have her everything, and I then insinuate myself into her life. Her father is a doctor, or mother's a lawyer, GRANDPA's a lawyer, they're all a bunch of professionals. You know, all of a sudden I started thinking, you know, I forget this PhD and that stuff. I think I'll become a lawyer. And you know, people ask me, why did you become a lawyer, and I'd say, well, I like Perry Mason and I become a lawyer against some Gal's pants and because I'm a I'm a man of integrity. You know what I mean? And UH, sure you're laughing. You don't know what it's like to WHO. You don't know what it's like to whore yourself out to the world to get what you want. You don't know what it's like to be a world whoorder to turn yourself backwards and forwards and be what everybody wants you to be in order you can get what you you don't know what that's like. So you don't have the kind of disease I have, but you'll sell out yourself and anything that's dear to you in order to get what you think you need or you want. You know, you know, by the way, that's that's something called alcoholism. That's the real disease, and so I marry that Gal and everything was great for a few months and then we got the baby and that's when I'm going to the bars and looking at the blonde brunettes and redheads and saying, I wish you had this and I wish you had that, because because for me, women were like cars. You ever have? I remember what this brand new camera out was absolutely incredible. I'm okay now, I got that car now, but in three or four months, five months, it was like used car. It wasn't so incredible. That's why I had to get a new car every every every year, every two years, I had to buy a new car. So with people I would say it was something because I knew I was in nothing. Now I didn't really know I was in nothing, because this stuff all works undercover. You understand of darkness. You don't know you're nothing. As a matter of fact, you think you're the greatest because you're always telling yourself this stuff, because you're delusional and you're full of ship. So you lie to yourself, you say things like this to yourself. I don't really give a ship what anybody thinks about me, because that's how alcoholics talk to themselves. They tell themselves they don't give a ship when people think of sometimes you'll catch an alcoholics say that out loud. They'll say to different STANS, I don't give a funk with anybody, so I don't give a ship what they think about me. But ultimately, when you learn a little bit about yourself and the real defects and your character and everything like that and the consequence of being alcohol if you realize that people that really are free from the fear of other people's judgment, people that really don't care whether people think about them, ever say I don't give a ship what people think about me. They say things like past, the CATCHUP, but they don't say that ship because they're not bothered by it, they're not nervous about it. So you cant stop to drinking. How are you gonna how are you gonna stop the thinking, big shot? How are you going to stop the alcoholism, the thinking? How are you gonna do that, big shot? So you're as you sit here. So I sit here and I'm in the position. Tommy was not drinking, but crazy, crazy and insane way, and we're insane. That's what the second step is all about, right. I came to believe that power going ourselves could restore us to sanity, another word, restore you to sanity. But you cannot be restored to sanity unless you're insane in the first place. So that's the real figure out. Try to how you. How insane are you? Why are you insane? Well, we learned, we get the way we got a new perspective is unbelievably painful by repeated humiliations, the final crush and very self sufficiency. So what you do...

...is you get to experience the first step over and over again, the hitting bottom step over and over again for ten and twenty years, and sometimes it can get really bad. Sober, let me tell you. You know that. Sometimes you'll hear this little say saying, Hey, my my best I can never remember it. My worst day sober is better than my best day drunk. Well, that's pretty much bullshit, but it makes I'll tell you what. It made me feel good because I would say that to myself. But I had some pretty good days drunk and I had some pretty shifty days at three o'clock in the morning sober, when I didn't have any money and I was broke. Let me tell you something. You can hit some real bottoms with the crap in this world and keeping on going the way you're going. You know, you keep on walking in the direction you're walking, you're gonna wind up where you're headed. You can get some real shitty times. Five, ten, fifteen, twenty years. So one year or so, if you're an alcohol and you haven't hit a really bad time sober, you haven't woken up a three o'clock in the morning worried about crap and not being able to get over it, worried about the same thing, the same person, the same people. My sponsor used to say, you know, rust nine out of ten of the things that you think are gonna Happen I'm Never gonna Happen Anyway, and the one thing that's gonna Happen is gonna happen differently than you think it was happening. And somehow that would make me feel good because it was right, it was true, but how do you stop thinking about it? That's why we wrote a book which is spiritual, and that's why we needed a power grap that's why we were talking about God, but they tell me I can't talk about God in a meetings. So everybody sits around in these groups where the entire big book and the twelve and twelve and everything is all about the God thing and developing a relationship with God. And all you know is the one thing you can't talk about in here is God because people won't like it and somebody's gonna Spank you. But the people I work with nowadays and the people I work and wherever I go, whether it be on zoom or some place else, I talked about the God then we're gonna have twelve, two weeks of the God thing. I don't like people shoving God down my throat. I hate people shoving God down my throat. I despised people shoving God down my throat, you know. And then, uh, when I was about twenty years they were shoving God down my throat and I finally swallowed it and everything changed. I surrendered and I swallowed the Godship and my whole life changed. Do you know why? Because I became willing and open minded, you know. So this is Dr Bob in the good old times. Is the founders right? Really, I haven't seen failed this thoroughly followed up path right. So let me read you this one part. You know, Clarence Snyder, clarence s his name is Clarence Snyder's called the brewmaster, is one of the first people in a a after bill and Bob was one of those who came from Cleveland at the beginning of night to be fixed by Dr Bob. His wife, who later became very close to Anne Uh and dot and Smith and Dr Bob, had talked to a number of ministers and doctors before. Her sister, Virginia in New York, who was a patient of Bill Wilson's brother in law, Dr Lennon Strong, told her about Dr Bob. Then it goes on to say, I'M gonna skip a little bit. I called Dr Smith, this is his wife, and I still remember my words and how gruff his voice was. DARTHA. He called in nineteen, in nineteen fifty four conversation with bill. He scared me to death. I said, is this the Dr Smith who helps drunks? When he said yes, I wept and said that my husband was an alcoholic. Right away he wanted to know how old clarence was. Thirty four, I said. impossibly. Replied he hasn't suffered enough. There's never been anyone...

...that young come into the fellowship and recover. This could have been one of Dr Bob's tactics at the time to suggest that newcomer wasn't really ready because of being too young or being a woman or not having suffered enough. Prospects were thus forced to prove, to prove that they were indeed ready and willing to accept the program see, back then you had to prove you're ready all sorts of different ways, which I'll tell you in the next session. Now you don't have to prove you're ready. We begged people to come in. We get down on these, we chase him out to go. Please don't you please come in day. Please don't leave. Please don't think we're stupid. Don't you understand? We're sober. We couldn't handle it if you didn't like us. Please don't run out where they run into they're running to get a drink. God's never robbing alcohol is desperation. Never, robbing alcohol is last drink. You're only hurting them. Well, he might die. Yeah, there's gonna be a lot of alkeys that die. There's gonna be a lot of east with five years that die because they never really hit bottom and they were never serious, because you like like a true codependent like the Alanan's, because you're looking to throw yourself in the front of the car to stop them from hitting bottom. You know it says in twelve and twelve. We never argue with that. With alcoholics, you say, why don't you just try something that controlled drinking? Clarence made arrangements to go to the hospital, where he stayed for a week. He remembered Paul asked coming in and can and and eating his breakfast, then coming in and eating his lunch. I couldn't eat, said Clarence. Now here's the deal. Here's the deal. This is a rendition of how Bob Smith are Co founder twelve, stepped people. Anybody ever tell you don't talk about God to a newcomer who told you? Somebody's told you that. I'm not saying don't do that. You listen to him. It's fine, listen to whatever you want to say to do, but I'm just gonna read something to you. You know, it may piss you off, but at least you'll be educated, you won't be ignorant. Okay, get this book and read it. See what a is really about, see what a was really about. Okay, Doc Smith, came in later and took over. Walked in the hospital room where Clarence was. He sat on the edge of the bed and said, well, what do you think about all this? Then he paused and looked at me doubtfully. This is Clarence talking, and then Dr Bob says to him, I don't know if you're ready yet. You're kind of young. Then Clarence says I was down to a D thirty five pounds, no job, no no clothes and no money. I didn't know how much more ready I could be. We called Clarence still. I had to. I had to convince them I was ready. I hadn't convinced them I was ready. Then Dr Bob asked. This is the first question he asked. First Question Dr Bob asked. Do you believe in God? Young Fellow, too big. It wasn't somebody there until Dr Bob, who don't talk about that ship. Do you believe in God, Young Fella? He always called me young fellow. When he called me Clarence, I knew I was in trouble. So this is what Clarence says. You're gonna like this one. What does that have to do with it? This is Dr Bob Everything. God is everything or he's nothing. Everything, I guess. I do guess nothing. Either you do or you don't. Half measures avail US nothing. When you got into a back then, you knew exactly what they were dishing out and what you were getting into.

There was no hours. Yes, I do, that's fine, Dr Bob said. Now we're going. Now we're getting somewhere, place. All Right, get out of the bed. He's in a hospital, but get out of the bed and on your knees. We're going to pray. I don't know how to pray. I guess you don't, but that's all right. Just follow what I say and that will do for now. I did what I was ordered. You're gonna like this one. I did what I was ordered to do. Listen, let me repeat that. I did what I was told to do. You want to stay sober here for forty years, be rocking the fourth dimension of existence. Experienced much of heaven. I did what I was told to do. I did what I was told to do. Clarence said there were no suggestions. Dr Bob was always positive about his faith. Clarence said if someone asked him a question about the program his only response was what does it say in the good book? Suppose he was asked what what's all this? First things first, about Dr Bob will be ready with the appropriate quotation. Seek you first, the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all else will be added on to him. So when every time you see first things first, it's a quote from the Bible, as is the entire big book, it's not an original thought thing. All the wisdom there is not an original thought thing that was dreamed up by by Dr Bob, but Bill Wilson. And the only reason you think that is because you've never dug deeper and read the books they were reading, like first Quentin and thirteen surmount amounts of the book of James. Never read the Bible or anything like that, because had you read the books that were behind that and you read what was going on the Ausal Movement, you'd under stand that the big book is just the Bible for dummies. You See, the truth will set your free, but first it'll piss you off. And you're dealing with a wonderful book, the Big Book. I can quote it, I read it. It saved my life. This isn't the way I was talking about. I had five years or ten years. But the bottom line is it's like you've got a thimble of wisdom when there's a mountain and ocean of wisdom behind it, which you'll never know because you've got a bunch of people like a crab and a bucket, saying don't talk too much about the Bob thing or don't listen to that Russell, the Guy Russell. I remember a guy coming up to me once, thirty years ago, and he said, you know, are you Russell? I said Yeah, he says, you know, my sponsor says you're good speaker, he says, but you talked too much about it God. That's what the sponsor said. You talked too much about God. I got that from the sponsor. You get that from a lot of people. There are people in here. They'll say that. There are people all the things. He's talks too much about God. Doesn't talk too much about the booze. You don't have an alcohol problem. You honestly don't. You don't have an alcohol once you're here. There are two rules, and alcoholics anonymous only two. Number One. One you have to drink to get here. First rule. You gotta drink together here. Number two, once you get here, you stop drinking, you understand what I'm saying now. The only reason people have problem with number two is because they don't talk about this in a meetings. Because they talked about this in any means. People, some people would run out the door and continue to drink and then they crawl back in and they listen and they do what they told in order to do. Because I'm gonna tell you one thing. The people that went through the crap that those people that went through in ninety, thirty six, thirty seven and thirty eight, those people, I can tell you one thing. The meetings were a little different. Once you went through that stuff. You have to get on your knees and give your life to God before you went. Once you went through that stuff, not too many people in there saying things like Oh, if they talked about the God thing when I came here and I would have been here. You know. No, no, it was a pretty select they were people who went to meetings back then were pre qualified. Yeah, you had to prove it that they were...

...pre qualified. The meetings focused on the gontent. Yeah, there were people at problems and all it was all brought that back to God. Well, I've got to stop now because bow told me I had to stop, and it's true. You did tell me this. He said, let me explain this to you. She said you need to stop at nine, nine, and so I'm gonna do that, but next week we're gonna talk about a lot of other things. Okay, thank you very much.

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