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AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 1 year ago

Russell S. Talk 6 at the Sabal Palm Group 9/15/2021

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Russell S. Talk 6 at the Sabal Palm Group, Miami, FL 9/15/2021  

It's been a while, so it's good to be here and all I can do is talk about my experience. You know, my experience is not only my experience about myself, my experiencing experience with all sorts of other people and characters and things I've seen in alcoholics, anonymous and sponsored. I don't even know how many people. I didn't even somebody said, how many people do have you sponsored? I said, I didn't know. You're supposed to keep count whatever. Forty years, you know, forty years, who knows? But you know that kind of deal. So I've watched them come and I've watched them go and I've had these incredible mentors and people in my life that come in and out and watched, Ay, I've bought to watch the groups go and come and the people go and come, and I think I've learned a little, just a little. I've learned. I've learned the way we learned a, you know, the way the book says we learned A. It's true. You know, one of the thing is not only will god prove himself to you, but AA, the big buck will prove itself to you. I mean it's absolutely right. My chief character is to give defiance. I want to do what I want to do and I don't want you telling me what to do and I'm going to do the way I want to do it and go screw yourself. And that's the way it is. That's my attitude. I have the same attitude nobles and had when he came down bolls anonymous, like all alcoholics have. And I don't believe in God. I don't want anybody shoving God done my throat. I hate the idea of God, you know, and this idea of the personal God is bullshit. I don't want that. Somes are the heavens or anything like that. It's a bunch of crap and I'm going to do that crap. And so that's right out of the big book, right out of his story. And so the guy says the whole say, since we want you to do this one, how about why? You just pick out your own conception of God, whatever you think he is, whatever. Once you do that, it was I can do that. I'll do that deal. You know what I mean, and that's no problem, as long as I'm in charge. It's my God right, I'm in charge. I agree, you know. You know I mean, if I want to go screw up, if I want to screw around on my wife, and God says it's okay, that's okay. Are That God's fun? If I want to, you know, still my books that I can back. Yeah, it got some you know. I don't. It's the kind of God that, you know. He doesn't punish me, doesn't do anything, does make me feel bad or guild you any you can. Yeah, you can have that gun. Any God you want. You can't worry about. I want to God that I have to go to Turth, that you don't need that buck. I don't want to God where I had. I don't want to God but I have to stop masturbating any of that you. I don't want that God. I don't want to God where I can't look at women. I don't want to God that I can't. You know, I can't just screw up. What I want is I want to kind of God where I can live life the way I want to live life and I'll have to change that much. He doesn't give me shit. Yeah, yeah, you pick that got up a real fuzzy sort of like Lucy goocy kind of do every hell you want to do. I love you. Any what kind of God? Yeah, I'll take that guy that can handle back, you know, and let's not get too specific about this shit, you know what I mean. And I don't want that ten commandment God or any of that other kind of God stuff. Yeah, but that's okay, an a because it's a spiritual kindergarten it, you know, and I have kids and I have four kids and I raised seven grandkids and I've seen him in there, four pup years old. You don't vote for Shit like that. You know what I mean? Like I you know, it's kindergarten. So I come to a hey with that kind of that's kind of God. I can day with kind of you know, don't let it bother you so much. Don't do talk too much about God. Don't worry about the God thing. He has nothing to do with your life or anything like that. And but I'm I'm seventy two years old. I've had cancer twice, I raised four kids, seven grandkids self supporting for my own contributions and my perspective. You know, you read this big book and says never read this thing. You read the Big Book, it says I'm crazy, I shit, you know. You know they say don't worry about the God thing. And then they got Dr Bob saying if you're an atheist or an agnostic, have some sort of intellectual pride. I feel sorry for you, your heavenly father, when never like that. And it says it says you got to utterly abandon yourself to God. It says half men. It says there is one who has all power. That one is God. May you find them now. It says half measures availue nothing there is. Don't build the road solution. God is everything or he's nothing. You know what I...

...mean. What's your decision going to be? Yeah, I mean it's crazy shit. It says, well, above everything, we must get rid of this selfish says we must or kills us. God makes that possible. Your delusion, and now my alcoholic life. I thought it was the only normal one. I can't separate the truth. On the falls, I'm delusional. It says God makes that possible once you make a decision for him, a sincere decision. Also's remarkable. Things happen. Be you all powerful. Look at you, every whatever you need, you stay closer to performers work well. So your real reliance has to be on him. He will show you even how to create the fellowship. Great see you know what your relationship with him is right and great events will come to pass. Few and count those others we never apologize for on where God run a new level, trusting and relying upon God. We never called all better faith, that courage. They trust their God. I mean, that's the big book of Alcoholics, Ms. That's that's the big book of Alcoholics. Anonymous. But they said, yeah, don't worry about that Shit. Should don't worry. Don't worry that. That crap. You know, I just don't drink, one day at a time. But then they got this little thing hidden in the six step. This little thing is like line. It's line, you know, because apparently, if you're an alcoholic, one of the one of the problems, you're chief characteristic. This is it from me. So, I mean, you don't have to like what I said. You know, I understand that. I have a sign in my office. I'm an attorney. Signs that because I got guys coming up. Says they all sorts of Shit. You know what I mean? Yeah, I shot him three times a way raped his wife, but they deserved it. You know, Isaac, yeah, you tell the judge of the jury that they're gonna eat that Shit. They can eat that shit up. You know. Yeah, that's right. They should have done that to you. So I gotta sign my office. It says the truth. You get the truth. You can't handle the truth, you know. And but I'm a hard guy to teach the truth too, because I have my own ideas where the wordship run, world should run. And I'm not the one that has these ideas. I'm not the only one who thinks the way I think. I'm not alone in this, because I used to hang out in a bar called the alibi lunge and I used to drink with a lot of attorneys and cops, judges, and I used to drink with some really serious people and they were all drinkers just like me, and drink them four o'clock in the morning. Let me tell you something. They all thought exactly the way I thought, all the people I used to hang around, I mean, can I can't be crazy, because you know, I'm not the only one who said, you know, God was married twenty five years, kick the bitch of this side, get rid of her, get another one. I'm not. They thought exactly way I thought. People would disposeable. Do whatever you want to do. You know, it's not your fault, Ross, you're a great guy. So I'm not the only one who thinks the way I think. You know what I mean. I made a living of hanging around people that think the way I think. Every once in a while, by accident and I'd run into somebody who didn't think the way I thought. I first life didn't think the way I thought. I love that. She was beautiful. I had a marryer. You know how to have that girl, you know what I mean. I got her. It was just nearly a year down the road, if you had a first jold. I realized that she was not thinking the way I was thinking. I wouldn't. She would tell me she wanted to be home for dinner at six a clock, which is prime drinking time. As you know, you get off at, I think, the thirty before the rush, so I dranking by six o'clock, like I'm going, I ain't coming home, don't four o'clock in the morning. I'd even listen to me. I'd even invite my wife to drink with me and my bodies. These are the salt of the earth. You know what she said to me one time. This is blow you might she said, I'm not going to I'm not going to sit around drink with those bums. You drink. I said, dons, these are the only people that actually know me and understand me. You know I mean, they were so sick. They they may have been sick and crazy, but they understood me. Sort of like the same crowd I hang around today. You know, I've been able to shake those guys. You know what I mean, always hanging around them. You know, either...

...here or on Zoom, they're all the same, same guys, same gals, you know, the same crazy, you know, but you know they're a little bit better than nicer now. But here's what happened to me, and they describe it as the book. You know, I'm pretty defined guy. You know, you try to. Please, don't be telling an alcoholic he's and how. Don't be telling an alcoholic anything he's sticking in his mind. You know, fuck you and the horse she rode in on. You know what I mean. Now, listen, I know we have problems. Some people promise the word Fuck. Now let me tell I'm just going to say this deal. I'm an alcoholic. One of my old ideas is I'm such a piece of crap, I'm so stupid. Nobody understands me, nobody could possibly understand me. Nobody's like me. I'm so unique. That's an old idea. You got to get rid of that old day. It doesn't take a long time to get you that old idea. You hanging out a for a few months, you realize that, as fucked up you are, everybody else is just as fucked up, just like you. You know what I mean. That's why we like, let's say, that's why we like the facts, because no matter how fucked up you are, the guy said next you is just as fucked up, maybe at a maybe had a higher level. You know what I mean, just possibly. You know what I mean. And so you'll be saying you'll be here in chaniels. Oh Man, that guy's fucking crazy. Oh Shit, I did that last Thursday. You know what I mean. And and so I know. So I speak out key. You understand what I'm saying. I don't try to make believe I'm in church from St Russell. I speak Honkey. So what I know is I know that when somebody cuts you off and scares the shit out of your Flipsoberge, you say in your mind, fuck you. I know use the a word in your mind. I know you use the F word your mind. Okay, and I, like one of your ask you wander when one of you assholes on the nuclear polygraph and say you say the effort in your mind all the time. Don't you just say no? And I don't say light up like a son of a bitch. You know what I mean. And so the truth of the matter is I speak out. I speak out loud what we think in our mind, because I want you to make sure I am one. You understand. I want you to think I'm just want to make believe out on the real deal, you know, because I know alcoholism. That is more, and just not drinking. The drinking is what a simplem so the bottom line is, is what like Bill Wilson, who was defiant. You know, I am all power. I am all powerful, great, I am the greatest and at the same time, in the back mind, I'm saying but I'm also a piece of shit in myself. You know I mean. I got that too thoughts going. I am the greatest, nobody appreciates me. I am incredible. That put me in charge and the other one thinks on the piece of crop. I'm terrible. Whatever you do, don't put me in charge of Scritchos. You know what I mean? Brave, I'm Roy Rogers, I'm what and plenties. Would you know what I mean? In the other side is the lolly cops. You know, I can. Yeah, I'm just I got so much, you know. You know I gotta get I love women. I'm crazy about women that I'm scared to approach. Put a couple of take a couple of shots of Scotch man. I'll tell you what. You know. I'll approach anything. You know, approach some Gal. She says, get out of here, sir, your law sweetie, you know what I mean. You tell me that stuffs the problem. That's the only solution I had in my life. You know the booze, you know. But what happens is, and I don't know what alcoholism is, even when I get even when I came to day a because I couldn't stop drinking and I had to come here because I wanted us and and I hit bottom and God had put being a point where I was entirely ready to do whatever to stop drinking. Even when I came here, and the only reason I came here is because of the name alcoholics anonymous. It's sort of like the name gives it away. Probably have some do with alcohol, don't you think? Wherever you know the Quantis club or something. So I came here, even when I want them to pick up a white ship. You want to stop drinking. I had no clue what alcoholism was. I thought this is what I thought it had to...

...do with drinking. How many people think alcohol is best do with drinking as forget the drinking things, forget the drink of thing. Now there's fifteen people in the banana. You know WHO's there? Guys they are that are twenty years sober, that have been telling everybody that they can run too, don't drink and go to meets. It's not a bad thing say, but it's not about out, that's not about alcoholism, because most people are suffering about apt, because the people that are suffering alcoholism and alcoholics anonymous aren't drinking, you know, they're just not drinking. When you to drinking, you don't suffer out. You have some you suffer alcoholism when you're sober. I'm to read the book. It says men and women drink as they like. The effect is by alcohol they are restless Erible, discontented, unless they can again expience sense of reason, comfort, which comes up months by taking a few drinks. The alcoholism is the restless, ear, will discontent and whatever a string of words you want to put in front of them. You know it's alcoholism. Happens when you're so are drinking is our solution to alcoholism, until you get to the point where you know you're addicted to it and you can't stop drinking. The wheels fall off and you got to stop. And then you stop and you get sobering. It back into alcoholism again. Alcoholism. You don't you know when you stuff from alcoholism. Now, not necessarily now, not now. Listening to some drunk talk about alcoholism, this is actually sort of suoping to the alcoholic, you know, except for the guy in the back who's load with Alphos and saying who's this asshole of you? They want to let me talk and that kind of Shit. That's alcoholism. You know what I mean that he doesn't know that's alcoholism, because he's just the vault. When you're involved in it, you don't know it. You know, you just think that thoughts about yourself and other people and it's difficulty the listen. So so then so. The book sort of tells you what it's about, but the truth is, would somebody like me, sometimes you got to get learned. A Guy, especially like me, I have to learn a particular lesson about what alcoholism is and what it looks like. You know, the first step getting out of jails knowing you're in jail the first place. I got to see what alcoholism is because the centers in my mind, not my body. It's the way I think because I'm insane. I don't think I'm insane, which is part of the insanity, of course, but I'm insane. So they devised this thing where if I believe in a quote higher power, it can restore me to sanity. It can make me from insane to saying they don't tell you about the part, they don't explain to you about it takes twenty five to thirty five years, but say that Shit, you know, but I mean, I'm telling I'm telling you. Look this Emisi, this is Emma, this is way. I'm being honest with me. I'm trying to be honest with you. Listen. I instead you could think I'm a print. I understand that. I understand you can say that guy doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. I'm going to say it anyway because what the hell, it's only a fucking egg, right. I mean, and I don't care if you hate me, it doesn't bother me. You know I mean, I'm just gonna tell you the through. Thirty years, thirty years, yeah, thirty years, probably, thirty, thirty five years. Still not perfect. I don't know how long time, long time. Six step says it's step rate the men from boys, repeated you know. You know what does it say? Repeatedly? Try these things for a lifetime. You know that kind of stuff. The humbly thing, humble you out. So here's the deal. So the bottom ie Sol they have this line in the sixth step. Great step, Somebody said today on a meeting. I think he's great. You know, here's the problem. I'm forty years sober, almost for it's almost forty one years sober, and I don't think the way I thought before. And it's like they say in first going to be a thirteen, which is what they found absolutely essential to read. I see through a glass darkly. I really don't see what's really going on. Using my mind, I really cannot see what. You know, like amazing grace, I was blind. Now I see. I'm I'M ONE MONTHS SOBER, I'm two months Ober, I'm five years Ober, I'm...

...seven years Ober. I have no fucking clue what the Hell is wrong with me. I'm working steps, I'm sponsoring people, I'm going all over, I'm doing everything and seven years older, I'm a fucking mess. I'm crazy, although because I'm an AA, I can be crazy and I can phone and and I don't necessarily act crazy, because one of the great benefits of a a you can have three years or four years or seven years or ten years and have a nuclear thumberal nuclear war going on in your brain, but you can sit around, you can share meetings, you can sponsor people, and then you go home and you wake up three o'clock warning and it's like the Russians and the Cubans and the Chinese and they're all there trying to kill you and you don't even know what to say to you. He said, what the Hell is wrong with know, and that may take another twenty years. You know, an that kind of deal. Yeah, you left at me. Will see how you feel. We'll see. I don't care, because I know what you guys are going to ask. I know what I know. It's waiting for you. See, I know it's waiting for you. You know. That's the deal. You know. And so it says in the book. But it says it's the truth. But it says the truth in the book. In the book says this. The way we get a new perspective is by repeated humiliation, in the final crushing of our self sufficiency, and we get to learn to value of suffering. Or is the Apostle James said? It says rejoice when you have trials of every time, because if you endure through those trials and you focus on God, your faith will mature and you'll get closer to God and you get more solemn, less upsetable. You know what I mean. And the bottom line is is, I don't know want to do that because I want to run from pain. I want to run and hide and why? Or do whatever I can to get away from pain. And you just can never avoid it because sometimes you cause it to yourself. But it's coming, because life is tough, like John Wade says, it's a humbling experience. So the only benefit of from having forty years and not drinking is I've had forty years of being crushed and humiliated all the time, every day. So at seven years sobriety, life is great, except what. It's terrible. But at least I'm not being thrown with the drunk time. I'm going to a means. There are times I actually feel good. There are times that I'm grateful, there are times that I feel, you know, I'm grateful of being sober. There are times where I think I've feeling, finally got this thing and I feel good and then all of a sudden at three o'clock in the morning and I want to I want off myself such the muzzle of a gun. I'm telling about. Then there's then there's the other times. I'm saying. I'm instand. How can you feel good and go to amy's on stuff and then all of a sudden, you know, four hours later, I feel like a nutcake again. Do a big argument in my wife, or something happens, a small thing, and I get create when? How can I, how can I jockey this sort of like? I'm sober for three hours and then I'm a nut for five minutes and then I'm it's like back and forth and back and forth, and it's never perfect. There's always something going on, some sort of problem, like a dramatically. So I got a story. So I'm going to tell you a story. I got a story, you know, because our stories is close and general way will be used to be like what happened, what we are like now. So I find that sometimes the best thing I can do to sort of describe this disease and how it works on you and maybe even talk about the victory. Plus, even if you're nuts, you know, you know something I would never put down early sobriety. I love being some when I was three years, I love being someone I was five years, I love being someone I was ten years, when I was twenty years, I love being sober thirty years. I love being sober. But if you ask me right now how would I like to go back to twenty five years or ten years, I'd say no way, no...

...way, that Shit, you know, because it gets better and better. It's good and a good or so let me tell you a story so I can describe a little bit about what alcoholism is like and how how it affected me. So this is a true story. That's why I like about our stories, the true not to make them up. You don't like sit down and make them up. You just have to be there and remember them, you know what I mean. So I'm an attorney, so I this is the I'm going to tell a story. This I'm going to I call this the crazy priest story. You know, one of the benefits I god, and it really is a it's a blessing for me, because God says, one of the thing that my God got, my instate says is that you constantly are looking for people to help and giving them maximum service. And since I'm a I'm a lawyer, you know, I get I'm a Papul should artist, you know what I mean. I got paid to open my mouth and say should like this, but you know what happens. So I've been asked to go around and sometime I talk at different places, you know what I mean, and that's what I do. So I so I've been doing this for like twenty years, you know, and and I have all these stories, you know, because all of a sudden, when you hang around a a you you start hearing stories of other people and stories of how what they were like before they were drinking. His hell, yeah, I was like, it's been stories they had when you were drinking and you have stories then and and you start they starting up. So they want you to do a be doing me tell story, and then you come to day a without even knowing, and you develops. Every day you've got another story. You may not remember, it may not be that be you come and you say, then you wouldn't believe what happened. My wife did this, my wife did that, I was going to do that. You tell a story and some of the stories you remember, you know what I mean, and every month you get two or three new stories, and every six months you got five. In the next thing you know, you got ten years and you got fifty stories, and twenty years you got said and then it become they got all these stories and they're all about you, when they're all true, and they're all about alcoholism, they're all about this disease, they're all I'm not drinking, they're all about what God has done for you with and how it worked out, and every like that said, they're all stories about the miracle. They're all stories about the miracle. And so there was a time in my life where I had to because it gets crazy. It's not even. It's not even. What are you gonna say? It's like you got too much to say, you know what I mean. So you got one day. I started writing down just like ten years. I had like a hundred eighty nine stories. I had to put names off. So this is the crazy priest story, because I like the story because it's true and it talks a little bit about what's this disease really looks like. During my first ten years, so I was about seven years sober, and a kid wats into my office and he's like twenty years twenty five years old, young kid, goodlooking kid from Boston, and he's arrested and broad county from trafficking. Okay, two or three or four kilos. I are Abra. Much was at that time and it still is. It's a fifteen your mentor minimum first defense. Twenty five years old as a wife, little baby, his mother and his father are professors up in a college somewhere, decent people, decent home. It was really sort of bullshit in a sense because it was a handand saled on the cover. Agency got me the rooms by a marijuana so the guy said, count the money, so we counted the money and helped him out with the you know. So they'd all get arrested in possession of cocaine spacing fifteen to thirty years, fifteen minimum, thirty years abroad county and the end. And so that's still so they come to my office, told me the whole deal. I mean, I've been doing this shit for a long time. So I charge him up, at that time a large amount of money and I take on the case. You know what I mean. And this is the kind of deal. You know if you're an alcoholic. Did you know that fears crosser thread that months of your life? I didn't know that. I knew I had an Alpop from I didn't like fear was supposed within the months of my life. It is fear and Greek, but mostly fear. You know what I mean. So I took the money. I'm certainly capable of handling case. I've handled nerd case, but worse than that. So I take the money. I got the kid and this is the deal. They say to me. This, this is this is basically...

...a theme throughout the entire case. Mr Spats, don't bother telling us you don't care what you're doing. We trust you. We know you're going to get johnny out of this. We know you're going to get johnny outs. No, we don't ask that now. I'll let you know every head. We don't even have to know. We trust you. We know you're going to johnny out of this. And you know alcoholic comes sort of like a people pleaser. And you know what we on't. I don't even know how toy answer. That's okay. Find everything like that, and the more and the case forms before a judge. I know I'm not going to give the judge's name in broad county, but he was. I'll put it. Let me try to explain the judge to you in his office. In his office you had a Lectera chair on his desk that lit up. That gives you this, give you a like a little picture of what I'm dealing with here. You know what I mean. And if I was with some lawyers of broad county, some older guys, they know who I was talking about. Yeah, yeah, thank you very much. And so in any event, so that's who he falls before. So now the case is on and it gets continue. It takes anybody's been involved this don't to take four, five, six months, and the more I get into it, here's what I understand. Here's what I'm saying, because you have to be a rocket side to understand this. The only way this kid is getting off is if Jesus Christ comes into the corporal and somehow flashes of light happen and the judge says, I'm letting you off just because I forgive. You know what I mean. The guy with the election, this guy, this guy's going away for fifteen years minimum. He's going away for fifty. There is no defense. You know I mean? I got the defense of I forgot dealing in coat. Kilos of cocaine was the illegal. Is Not going to work. Okay, he they we don't need fingerprints. His fingers were on the cocaine. You know what I mean? They got his fingers. You know what? They don't need the finger prints. Okay, the cops were there the whole things. there. There is no defense. All there is is mom and dad. State spent game a lot of money to me say things like, Mr Spats, we trust you, you know. You know you're going to get Johnny off. And so every night for seven months I'm going to sleep thinking what's going to happen when he got seven years? I am I going to spend this? What's gonna Happen to get some what are they gonna think about me? I'm a phony thing to report me to the bar front page miamy. Harold Russell, phony attorney, stole money from clients, promised to get them all. You know what I mean. Whatever, I never did, but I mean you know, you know, I go to sleep thinking about I wake up thinking about as I'm driving every day, I'm thinking about what's going to happen when my life is over and this thing happens and I'm sitting there and she's they're saying, how could you do this to us? How could you do this? Does every single flipping day, I mean a a meetings, I say the Lords, I take any prayer, I listen to the meeting, at the middle of meeting, all of some the start couns. What's going to happen when and when Johnny gets fifteen years? To stay attention. I can't get away from it. I'm constantly thinking of that for seven flipping months and every week I call him up, tell him what's happening. They say miss best don't even tell us. You know you're going to get johnny off this thing. And I'm I'm as physically sober as you can imagine and I'm like a basket case. Now I can't tell anybody in...

...the hat this story. I can tell you and know where. You wouldn't like. Don't know. Bruce is in Crom or. He would do this. And if I told groups, you know what I'm talking about, or if I told one of my what if I call it one of these my what? I'm going to call one of my buddies, one of my I'm gonna call one of my criminal testary bodies to say, listen, I've got this case, this case, and I'm scared that ain't going to fucking happen. You know what I mean, and you don't like I'm in my s form of division chiefs thinks I'm going to call this. I got this case. I'm scared I'm going to lose what I when I so I'm just gonna here's what I'm doing. I'm just gonna think my way out of this thing. You know what I mean. You know how that works. I'm going to think about how my life is over and it's never going to be better again. And I'm dyet. I'm sober and I'm doing I'm doing step means. I'M FONSING BE I'm sober and my life is shit. I'm sober, I'm going to meetings, I'm doing steps series, I'm sponsored people and my mental and emotional life is total fucking shit. For six months. I can't get this thing. This is haunting me like an obsession and there's no way out. I mean, this is reality, man. This child's coming up, this judge is there, the evidence is there. I took the money. There's no, there's nothing. It's the odd. I either got to die or something. It's over for me. So my sponsor says, he says, you know, I have this retreat. Why don't you go on this retreat with his father at ground and I said now, I can't go says Russell, getting the Carver, going this retreat. So it gets in the car. I seven years sober and I go to this retreat and this is Catholic priest, you know, Roman Catholic priest. He's thirty three years sober. Father Al Grow. He's a PhD in psychology. He's the director of the Palm Beach Institute of alcoholism or something like that. He's a Jesuit priest, you know, he's got a PhD's got the whole bit. He's like top of the thing, and I'm not Catholic, but that's like top of the deal. Jesuit priest and he's World War II hero, a survivor of the death march. Okay, so this guy is like top of the deal and he's doing he's the retreat master. So I'm saying to my guy, I'm saying to myself, this is the guy, this is the guy. I can tell this Guy Roman Catholic peace PhD. He's like sitting right next to God, you know what I mean. He knows that he's got the whole thing. I'm going to tell this guy my deal and he's going to solve everything. And I'm saying finally, for seven months I've been holding this thing in, this this crap in, you know what I mean. It's like xlax. It's coming out, you know what I mean. So if you've ever been to a retreat, if you ever been to a retreat, what happens at the end of between? They save. Anybody wants to speak to father out, they can sign up. So I sign that damn thing. Okay, it gets better. Okay, so I walk in there at my appointed time and I said, Father Out, Russell's fun. It's got seven years of Bub lies. Just look, I got a little something that's botty. He says, my son will tell me what it is. Start telling them exactly what I'm telling you. I represent this guy. Got The money, says, Whoa Hoos up his hand. He says, I'm not the guy to hear this. I look at my said just like what we call Coyus, interrupt us. You know what I mean? Is Ain't go, I said. He said, I'm not the guy to hear this. I said no, no, you're the guy. He says, no, no, no, trust me, I am not the guy. I should know. You're the guy. You're the guy. He's I'm not the guy's concure the guy, so says. So, no, he says,...

...okay, tell me, I'm not the guy, but tell me. So I tell him the whole story. What are they going to think about me and what's going on and I'm going to die and everything like that, he says. And so I finished. I tell the whole thing I said. So what do you think? Says? What do I think says? Still what you think? You really want to know what I think. I won't know what you think, but this thirty three years sober, Ph d in psychology, Jesuite priest, you know, director of the pompy CH institute. I want to know what you think. He says. Well, I think that you are full of Shit. I go and I'm my mouth goes like this, and then for twenty minutes he beats the Lim and Shit on me, explaining me in detail why I'm full of Shit. And I can't remember the entire talk, but I remember part of the tall, maybe the most important part of you says. Let me tell you. You know what I didn't know about Father Al is he was directed the Pomby chansted. One of the things he dealt dead with, dealt with is that mothers who were pregnant and they were cocaine addicted, they dealt with cocaine babies, babies that were, you know, shaking because they came out of cocaine. That's why I said I'm not the guy, and he started telling me about the shit he says and you defend these people for fucking money. You use them for money. You defend these people for money, I said, you defend these monsters for money and you get bomp this shit. I see. Said, let me tell you something. If this kid didn't get caught, that cocaine would have been on the street. He wouldn't be given a crap about you, you know. And if he goes to jail for fifteen years, and you want to something, probably should. He's not going to jail because you're a bad attorney, you didn't know what you're doing. He's going to jail because he's a criminal and he was doing something he shouldn't have done, and that's the only reason he's in jail, not because you're this is nothing to do with you. You're full of Shit. You know what I mean. You know this has nothing any just pounded on the stuff, you know what I mean. And then he said, and then they have to tell me I was full of Shit. Everything he said, you know, Roman Catholic Jesus called peace of my son, kind of Shit. You know what I mean. So I walk out of the I walk out of that room. I got seven, eight years, and now I'm looking out walking out to my little room. They give you a little room with a little bad, little cross over the bread bad, you know what I mean. And I'm going like for the MOLISTIC, because here's what I'm thinking. I go in there to try to unload what's going on, to tell the priest, and I'm not. I only thing about confessionating that stuff. But you know, I forgot. I don't I mean, I don't know anything about this Catholic deal, but I don't think. I think there's no to say, say, five held Mary's and a banana or something like that. They don't tell you're a piece of shit. I know. Let Means Imry, put the son fish to the pop. I'M gonna report this thing. You know, this guy is like crazy, you know. So I'm sitting there on my bed and I'm doing the alky thing. I said this and he said that, and I said this and he said that, and I said this, he said that, and all of a sudden this thought came across my mind like like that, and thought was maybe he's right dangerous than the next little was he is right. This is nothing. This guy went in there so cocaine. You think you're doing the best you can if he goes to jails because he saw cocaine, and the fear left me like that and it never came back again. I never that after that, worried about you know, as a a fact. I would tell them so. I would never allow anybody get away with that's okay. They come in, they say, so,...

...what do you think's going to happen? I said, I think you're probably going to go to jail for about ten or fifteen years. You know what I mean. I don't know what you probably go to jail. I'd never allow anybody to lay that still trip on me. I said, I think if it comes out the way it comes out. If it doesn't work out, with it, but you're probably going away fifteen years. You know, you're not to be a rocket. Scientists understand what's going on here. I said, we got this play on that play that every time, you know, and it never I never had a problem with that crap again because it is crazy. Jesuit priest. Now let me tell you, tell you why that story is important. You know, by the way, one of the cakes. I'm not going to go into why, how or anything like that, but it was very interesting how it happened. But we want to try. Whenever the Apel Court they reversed him and its hold one thing. It's all legal, legal, legal, local poleshit, but it doesn't matter. But the bottom line is is that I think maybe God was involved that too. I'll tell you why that story support that story is important. You know that seven months that I was being tortured and going to meetings of being tortured. You know what that was? That's alcoholics. What do people going to think about me? What's going to happen to me? All the forboating, all the scared, all the worried, how am I going to do with my client? When am I do this? Everything that came from that thing. You know. The reason why I couldn't be happy, even though I was sober, even though I was going to mean you known't. That is that's now you. You're not going to have the same kind of deal going on. You're not gonna have the same circumstances. You're not going to represent somebody structure with cocaine. You're gonna have some other shit. But that whole thing about being upsetable, you know, had nothing to do with a circumstance. That's pure UNADULTER rated centers of my mind, on my body. Alcoholism. That's what it looks like and I don't even know. That's alcoholism. That's what it is, and it grabs a hold of you and it wrestles you till you got maybe thirty five and you go through this crap. And you want to know something, I probably got a thousand stories just like that, but maybe it's only less than an hour. You know, I'm in other words, whatever that mechanism in me, that fear, that concerned, that worry about what other people think about that, all the stuff, the money and everything piled into that story. You know what I mean? What's happened to me like every day from the first twenty thirty. I mean it's just it's you know, sometimes it wasn't as as that was like a big, blatant sort of thing. Sometimes it's just a small thing. But that's the real dis ease that I that I you know, you can get rid of the drinking. You Ain't going to get rid of that stuff like that. It ain't going to happen like that. Now, what's the whole point is, because the eleventh step and the third step is somewhere in there. You know, so, without going to a long story, to make a short story, as things went on, you know, I've been on my knees. How many times you think I went on my knees for this? How many times do you think I got them and heed think, God, help me out with this case. Help me out with this case, help me out in this case. How many times, you know? How many times do you think I've been on my knees with the cancer and the money and this? How many times you think I've prayed at night when it was dark and there's somebody and I pay? You know what I mean. And so, over a period of time, the crush, eat and the stuff and life itself. You know what I mean, and everything I've gone through. What has happened? One of the things that happen is it went. It went from a guy like Bill Wilson, who said I don't believe any of this. God should this personal God shit. You know, it's personal guy, and got to believe that Shit, you know. You know. Oh, yeah, okay, God is my understanding. That's fine. It went from that Guy Through Bible Study, through folks and on the Lord. You know, I have to be a Christian, through going to church and...

...being baptized the guy. You know. So by the time I was twenty five years sober, for the most part, I should never happen to me again. Twenty five, thirty years sober. I just I just live a pretty much a fearless life. Not One hundred percent, or pretty much a fearless life. Why I should happen doesn't matter. You know, cancer and everything like that a pretty much. You know, it's I just you know, it's like rule sixty two. You know, I said, I test your sobriety. You know what upset I just look at what upsets me. That tells you what you're sober. They're not whether or not you have about one you tell listen with you. SOBERS would upset you if you get upset over something, you know, that's when he starts that he ain't so you know, small shit. You sit in a mean you could have said somebody's talking about God. That's not the kind of sobriety I want. You get upset because somebody mentions church. That, Jesus, that's something sobriety I want. All that tells me is about whether you're sober and tells me nothing. It does all that tells me. I know what Bob Bob Smith was talking about. I know until Wilson was talking about. I know what church they were going on. I know what they believe. I know what was happening. I know what the big book says. I know we talked about the good old time, he says. I know. I read the deal. Okay, you start worrying about what words people are using their meetings and how they're saying where they're going to do. The Lord's for another word, prayer. All it tells me is you're not sober. You start saying things to me like well, if they talk about God when I can, I would have been here. All it tells me as you're not so all it tells me is you're going to drink unless you get over that bullshit. This sort of thinking must be abandoned. That's what it says. That Dr Bottom at times. All I know. All I know is that the real alcoholism, that center is in my mind, on my body, went away. The closer I got, the more commit to Alt, utterly abandoning myself to God. All I know is when I finally got to the point where I was, I lost all prejudice against organized religion. I be God to see where they're right. All I know is when I got to the point where I stopped apologizing for God, where I never apologize for God, even talking about God in a meeting and not worrying about what you think about me or whether you're rolling your eyes are not all I know when I got that point. It happened to be at a time of my life when I started really utterly believing in God. So I know that what they say in the big book is right. There is one who has all power, that one it's God. May you find them now and that's what will give you the promises and the fear of relieve the fear of people in the economic insecurity. And that's the one thing people in a a most people, Ninety five percent of people don't want to go. They don't want to do that deal. They want to play a light. You know, I don't want to play a like. You know the men that I followed and play Al Very simple. You know, I have a different understand about a now I don't worship the steps. The steps are not God, steps for tools to get me to where I have to go. You understand that's going to get me to the road to happy destiny. I want to get the happy destiny. I want to be rocking in the fourth dimension of existence and experience much of Haman, and that's what I want to do. And that means you got to make God cuent a fact your life and become convinced he lives in your heart of mind and way, which the demiraculous, which is different from make up your own God. Just make it up, you know, whatever you want it to be. Thank you very much. That's all I have to say.

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