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AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 3 months ago

Russell S. Talk 6 at the Sabal Palm Group 9/15/2021

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Russell S. Talk 6 at the Sabal Palm Group, Miami, FL 9/15/2021  

It's been a while, so it'sgood to be here and all I can do is talk about my experience.You know, my experience is not only my experience about myself, my experiencingexperience with all sorts of other people and characters and things I've seen in alcoholics, anonymous and sponsored. I don't even know how many people. I didn'teven somebody said, how many people do have you sponsored? I said,I didn't know. You're supposed to keep count whatever. Forty years, youknow, forty years, who knows? But you know that kind of deal. So I've watched them come and I've watched them go and I've had theseincredible mentors and people in my life that come in and out and watched,Ay, I've bought to watch the groups go and come and the people goand come, and I think I've learned a little, just a little.I've learned. I've learned the way we learned a, you know, theway the book says we learned A. It's true. You know, oneof the thing is not only will god prove himself to you, but AA, the big buck will prove itself to you. I mean it's absolutely right. My chief character is to give defiance. I want to do what I wantto do and I don't want you telling me what to do and I'mgoing to do the way I want to do it and go screw yourself.And that's the way it is. That's my attitude. I have the sameattitude nobles and had when he came down bolls anonymous, like all alcoholics have. And I don't believe in God. I don't want anybody shoving God donemy throat. I hate the idea of God, you know, and thisidea of the personal God is bullshit. I don't want that. Somes arethe heavens or anything like that. It's a bunch of crap and I'm goingto do that crap. And so that's right out of the big book,right out of his story. And so the guy says the whole say,since we want you to do this one, how about why? You just pickout your own conception of God, whatever you think he is, whatever. Once you do that, it was I can do that. I'll dothat deal. You know what I mean, and that's no problem, as longas I'm in charge. It's my God right, I'm in charge.I agree, you know. You know I mean, if I want togo screw up, if I want to screw around on my wife, andGod says it's okay, that's okay. Are That God's fun? If Iwant to, you know, still my books that I can back. Yeah, it got some you know. I don't. It's the kind of Godthat, you know. He doesn't punish me, doesn't do anything, doesmake me feel bad or guild you any you can. Yeah, you canhave that gun. Any God you want. You can't worry about. I wantto God that I have to go to Turth, that you don't needthat buck. I don't want to God where I had. I don't wantto God but I have to stop masturbating any of that you. I don'twant that God. I don't want to God where I can't look at women. I don't want to God that I can't. You know, I can'tjust screw up. What I want is I want to kind of God whereI can live life the way I want to live life and I'll have tochange that much. He doesn't give me shit. Yeah, yeah, youpick that got up a real fuzzy sort of like Lucy goocy kind of doevery hell you want to do. I love you. Any what kind ofGod? Yeah, I'll take that guy that can handle back, you know, and let's not get too specific about this shit, you know what Imean. And I don't want that ten commandment God or any of that otherkind of God stuff. Yeah, but that's okay, an a because it'sa spiritual kindergarten it, you know, and I have kids and I havefour kids and I raised seven grandkids and I've seen him in there, fourpup years old. You don't vote for Shit like that. You know whatI mean? Like I you know, it's kindergarten. So I come toa hey with that kind of that's kind of God. I can day withkind of you know, don't let it bother you so much. Don't dotalk too much about God. Don't worry about the God thing. He hasnothing to do with your life or anything like that. And but I'm I'mseventy two years old. I've had cancer twice, I raised four kids,seven grandkids self supporting for my own contributions and my perspective. You know,you read this big book and says never read this thing. You read theBig Book, it says I'm crazy, I shit, you know. Youknow they say don't worry about the God thing. And then they got DrBob saying if you're an atheist or an agnostic, have some sort of intellectualpride. I feel sorry for you, your heavenly father, when never likethat. And it says it says you got to utterly abandon yourself to God. It says half men. It says there is one who has all power. That one is God. May you find them now. It says halfmeasures availue nothing there is. Don't build the road solution. God is everythingor he's nothing. You know what I...

...mean. What's your decision going tobe? Yeah, I mean it's crazy shit. It says, well,above everything, we must get rid of this selfish says we must or killsus. God makes that possible. Your delusion, and now my alcoholic life. I thought it was the only normal one. I can't separate the truth. On the falls, I'm delusional. It says God makes that possible onceyou make a decision for him, a sincere decision. Also's remarkable. Thingshappen. Be you all powerful. Look at you, every whatever you need, you stay closer to performers work well. So your real reliance has to beon him. He will show you even how to create the fellowship.Great see you know what your relationship with him is right and great events willcome to pass. Few and count those others we never apologize for on whereGod run a new level, trusting and relying upon God. We never calledall better faith, that courage. They trust their God. I mean,that's the big book of Alcoholics, Ms. That's that's the big book of Alcoholics. Anonymous. But they said, yeah, don't worry about that Shit. Should don't worry. Don't worry that. That crap. You know, Ijust don't drink, one day at a time. But then they gotthis little thing hidden in the six step. This little thing is like line.It's line, you know, because apparently, if you're an alcoholic,one of the one of the problems, you're chief characteristic. This is itfrom me. So, I mean, you don't have to like what Isaid. You know, I understand that. I have a sign in my office. I'm an attorney. Signs that because I got guys coming up.Says they all sorts of Shit. You know what I mean? Yeah,I shot him three times a way raped his wife, but they deserved it. You know, Isaac, yeah, you tell the judge of the jurythat they're gonna eat that Shit. They can eat that shit up. Youknow. Yeah, that's right. They should have done that to you.So I gotta sign my office. It says the truth. You get thetruth. You can't handle the truth, you know. And but I'm ahard guy to teach the truth too, because I have my own ideas wherethe wordship run, world should run. And I'm not the one that hasthese ideas. I'm not the only one who thinks the way I think.I'm not alone in this, because I used to hang out in a barcalled the alibi lunge and I used to drink with a lot of attorneys andcops, judges, and I used to drink with some really serious people andthey were all drinkers just like me, and drink them four o'clock in themorning. Let me tell you something. They all thought exactly the way Ithought, all the people I used to hang around, I mean, canI can't be crazy, because you know, I'm not the only one who said, you know, God was married twenty five years, kick the bitchof this side, get rid of her, get another one. I'm not.They thought exactly way I thought. People would disposeable. Do whatever youwant to do. You know, it's not your fault, Ross, you'rea great guy. So I'm not the only one who thinks the way Ithink. You know what I mean. I made a living of hanging aroundpeople that think the way I think. Every once in a while, byaccident and I'd run into somebody who didn't think the way I thought. Ifirst life didn't think the way I thought. I love that. She was beautiful. I had a marryer. You know how to have that girl,you know what I mean. I got her. It was just nearly ayear down the road, if you had a first jold. I realized thatshe was not thinking the way I was thinking. I wouldn't. She wouldtell me she wanted to be home for dinner at six a clock, whichis prime drinking time. As you know, you get off at, I think, the thirty before the rush, so I dranking by six o'clock,like I'm going, I ain't coming home, don't four o'clock in the morning.I'd even listen to me. I'd even invite my wife to drink withme and my bodies. These are the salt of the earth. You knowwhat she said to me one time. This is blow you might she said, I'm not going to I'm not going to sit around drink with those bums. You drink. I said, dons, these are the only people that actuallyknow me and understand me. You know I mean, they were sosick. They they may have been sick and crazy, but they understood me. Sort of like the same crowd I hang around today. You know,I've been able to shake those guys. You know what I mean, alwayshanging around them. You know, either...

...here or on Zoom, they're allthe same, same guys, same gals, you know, the same crazy,you know, but you know they're a little bit better than nicer now. But here's what happened to me, and they describe it as the book. You know, I'm pretty defined guy. You know, you try to.Please, don't be telling an alcoholic he's and how. Don't be tellingan alcoholic anything he's sticking in his mind. You know, fuck you and thehorse she rode in on. You know what I mean. Now,listen, I know we have problems. Some people promise the word Fuck.Now let me tell I'm just going to say this deal. I'm an alcoholic. One of my old ideas is I'm such a piece of crap, I'mso stupid. Nobody understands me, nobody could possibly understand me. Nobody's likeme. I'm so unique. That's an old idea. You got to getrid of that old day. It doesn't take a long time to get youthat old idea. You hanging out a for a few months, you realizethat, as fucked up you are, everybody else is just as fucked up, just like you. You know what I mean. That's why we like, let's say, that's why we like the facts, because no matter howfucked up you are, the guy said next you is just as fucked up, maybe at a maybe had a higher level. You know what I mean, just possibly. You know what I mean. And so you'll be sayingyou'll be here in chaniels. Oh Man, that guy's fucking crazy. Oh Shit, I did that last Thursday. You know what I mean. Andand so I know. So I speak out key. You understand what I'msaying. I don't try to make believe I'm in church from St Russell.I speak Honkey. So what I know is I know that when somebody cutsyou off and scares the shit out of your Flipsoberge, you say in yourmind, fuck you. I know use the a word in your mind.I know you use the F word your mind. Okay, and I,like one of your ask you wander when one of you assholes on the nuclearpolygraph and say you say the effort in your mind all the time. Don'tyou just say no? And I don't say light up like a son ofa bitch. You know what I mean. And so the truth of the matteris I speak out. I speak out loud what we think in ourmind, because I want you to make sure I am one. You understand. I want you to think I'm just want to make believe out on thereal deal, you know, because I know alcoholism. That is more,and just not drinking. The drinking is what a simplem so the bottom lineis, is what like Bill Wilson, who was defiant. You know,I am all power. I am all powerful, great, I am thegreatest and at the same time, in the back mind, I'm saying butI'm also a piece of shit in myself. You know I mean. I gotthat too thoughts going. I am the greatest, nobody appreciates me.I am incredible. That put me in charge and the other one thinks onthe piece of crop. I'm terrible. Whatever you do, don't put mein charge of Scritchos. You know what I mean? Brave, I'm RoyRogers, I'm what and plenties. Would you know what I mean? Inthe other side is the lolly cops. You know, I can. Yeah, I'm just I got so much, you know. You know I gottaget I love women. I'm crazy about women that I'm scared to approach.Put a couple of take a couple of shots of Scotch man. I'll tellyou what. You know. I'll approach anything. You know, approach someGal. She says, get out of here, sir, your law sweetie, you know what I mean. You tell me that stuffs the problem.That's the only solution I had in my life. You know the booze,you know. But what happens is, and I don't know what alcoholism is, even when I get even when I came to day a because I couldn'tstop drinking and I had to come here because I wanted us and and Ihit bottom and God had put being a point where I was entirely ready todo whatever to stop drinking. Even when I came here, and the onlyreason I came here is because of the name alcoholics anonymous. It's sort oflike the name gives it away. Probably have some do with alcohol, don'tyou think? Wherever you know the Quantis club or something. So I camehere, even when I want them to pick up a white ship. Youwant to stop drinking. I had no clue what alcoholism was. I thoughtthis is what I thought it had to...

...do with drinking. How many peoplethink alcohol is best do with drinking as forget the drinking things, forget thedrink of thing. Now there's fifteen people in the banana. You know WHO'sthere? Guys they are that are twenty years sober, that have been tellingeverybody that they can run too, don't drink and go to meets. It'snot a bad thing say, but it's not about out, that's not aboutalcoholism, because most people are suffering about apt, because the people that aresuffering alcoholism and alcoholics anonymous aren't drinking, you know, they're just not drinking. When you to drinking, you don't suffer out. You have some yousuffer alcoholism when you're sober. I'm to read the book. It says menand women drink as they like. The effect is by alcohol they are restlessErible, discontented, unless they can again expience sense of reason, comfort,which comes up months by taking a few drinks. The alcoholism is the restless, ear, will discontent and whatever a string of words you want to putin front of them. You know it's alcoholism. Happens when you're so aredrinking is our solution to alcoholism, until you get to the point where youknow you're addicted to it and you can't stop drinking. The wheels fall offand you got to stop. And then you stop and you get sobering.It back into alcoholism again. Alcoholism. You don't you know when you stufffrom alcoholism. Now, not necessarily now, not now. Listening to some drunktalk about alcoholism, this is actually sort of suoping to the alcoholic,you know, except for the guy in the back who's load with Alphos andsaying who's this asshole of you? They want to let me talk and thatkind of Shit. That's alcoholism. You know what I mean that he doesn'tknow that's alcoholism, because he's just the vault. When you're involved in it, you don't know it. You know, you just think that thoughts about yourselfand other people and it's difficulty the listen. So so then so.The book sort of tells you what it's about, but the truth is,would somebody like me, sometimes you got to get learned. A Guy,especially like me, I have to learn a particular lesson about what alcoholism isand what it looks like. You know, the first step getting out of jailsknowing you're in jail the first place. I got to see what alcoholism isbecause the centers in my mind, not my body. It's the wayI think because I'm insane. I don't think I'm insane, which is partof the insanity, of course, but I'm insane. So they devised thisthing where if I believe in a quote higher power, it can restore meto sanity. It can make me from insane to saying they don't tell youabout the part, they don't explain to you about it takes twenty five tothirty five years, but say that Shit, you know, but I mean,I'm telling I'm telling you. Look this Emisi, this is Emma,this is way. I'm being honest with me. I'm trying to be honestwith you. Listen. I instead you could think I'm a print. Iunderstand that. I understand you can say that guy doesn't know what the hellhe's talking about. I'm going to say it anyway because what the hell,it's only a fucking egg, right. I mean, and I don't careif you hate me, it doesn't bother me. You know I mean,I'm just gonna tell you the through. Thirty years, thirty years, yeah, thirty years, probably, thirty, thirty five years. Still not perfect. I don't know how long time, long time. Six step says it'sstep rate the men from boys, repeated you know. You know what doesit say? Repeatedly? Try these things for a lifetime. You know thatkind of stuff. The humbly thing, humble you out. So here's thedeal. So the bottom ie Sol they have this line in the sixth step. Great step, Somebody said today on a meeting. I think he's great. You know, here's the problem. I'm forty years sober, almost forit's almost forty one years sober, and I don't think the way I thoughtbefore. And it's like they say in first going to be a thirteen,which is what they found absolutely essential to read. I see through a glassdarkly. I really don't see what's really going on. Using my mind,I really cannot see what. You know, like amazing grace, I was blind. Now I see. I'm I'M ONE MONTHS SOBER, I'm two monthsOber, I'm five years Ober, I'm...

...seven years Ober. I have nofucking clue what the Hell is wrong with me. I'm working steps, I'msponsoring people, I'm going all over, I'm doing everything and seven years older, I'm a fucking mess. I'm crazy, although because I'm an AA, Ican be crazy and I can phone and and I don't necessarily act crazy, because one of the great benefits of a a you can have three yearsor four years or seven years or ten years and have a nuclear thumberal nuclearwar going on in your brain, but you can sit around, you canshare meetings, you can sponsor people, and then you go home and youwake up three o'clock warning and it's like the Russians and the Cubans and theChinese and they're all there trying to kill you and you don't even know whatto say to you. He said, what the Hell is wrong with know, and that may take another twenty years. You know, an that kind ofdeal. Yeah, you left at me. Will see how you feel. We'll see. I don't care, because I know what you guys aregoing to ask. I know what I know. It's waiting for you.See, I know it's waiting for you. You know. That's the deal.You know. And so it says in the book. But it saysit's the truth. But it says the truth in the book. In thebook says this. The way we get a new perspective is by repeated humiliation, in the final crushing of our self sufficiency, and we get to learnto value of suffering. Or is the Apostle James said? It says rejoicewhen you have trials of every time, because if you endure through those trialsand you focus on God, your faith will mature and you'll get closer toGod and you get more solemn, less upsetable. You know what I mean. And the bottom line is is, I don't know want to do thatbecause I want to run from pain. I want to run and hide andwhy? Or do whatever I can to get away from pain. And youjust can never avoid it because sometimes you cause it to yourself. But it'scoming, because life is tough, like John Wade says, it's a humblingexperience. So the only benefit of from having forty years and not drinking isI've had forty years of being crushed and humiliated all the time, every day. So at seven years sobriety, life is great, except what. It'sterrible. But at least I'm not being thrown with the drunk time. I'mgoing to a means. There are times I actually feel good. There aretimes that I'm grateful, there are times that I feel, you know,I'm grateful of being sober. There are times where I think I've feeling,finally got this thing and I feel good and then all of a sudden atthree o'clock in the morning and I want to I want off myself such themuzzle of a gun. I'm telling about. Then there's then there's the other times. I'm saying. I'm instand. How can you feel good and goto amy's on stuff and then all of a sudden, you know, fourhours later, I feel like a nutcake again. Do a big argument inmy wife, or something happens, a small thing, and I get createwhen? How can I, how can I jockey this sort of like?I'm sober for three hours and then I'm a nut for five minutes and thenI'm it's like back and forth and back and forth, and it's never perfect. There's always something going on, some sort of problem, like a dramatically. So I got a story. So I'm going to tell you a story. I got a story, you know, because our stories is close and generalway will be used to be like what happened, what we are likenow. So I find that sometimes the best thing I can do to sortof describe this disease and how it works on you and maybe even talk aboutthe victory. Plus, even if you're nuts, you know, you knowsomething I would never put down early sobriety. I love being some when I wasthree years, I love being someone I was five years, I lovebeing someone I was ten years, when I was twenty years, I lovebeing sober thirty years. I love being sober. But if you ask meright now how would I like to go back to twenty five years or tenyears, I'd say no way, no...

...way, that Shit, you know, because it gets better and better. It's good and a good or solet me tell you a story so I can describe a little bit about whatalcoholism is like and how how it affected me. So this is a truestory. That's why I like about our stories, the true not to makethem up. You don't like sit down and make them up. You justhave to be there and remember them, you know what I mean. SoI'm an attorney, so I this is the I'm going to tell a story. This I'm going to I call this the crazy priest story. You know, one of the benefits I god, and it really is a it's ablessing for me, because God says, one of the thing that my Godgot, my instate says is that you constantly are looking for people to helpand giving them maximum service. And since I'm a I'm a lawyer, youknow, I get I'm a Papul should artist, you know what I mean. I got paid to open my mouth and say should like this, butyou know what happens. So I've been asked to go around and sometime Italk at different places, you know what I mean, and that's what Ido. So I so I've been doing this for like twenty years, youknow, and and I have all these stories, you know, because allof a sudden, when you hang around a a you you start hearing storiesof other people and stories of how what they were like before they were drinking. His hell, yeah, I was like, it's been stories they hadwhen you were drinking and you have stories then and and you start they startingup. So they want you to do a be doing me tell story,and then you come to day a without even knowing, and you develops.Every day you've got another story. You may not remember, it may notbe that be you come and you say, then you wouldn't believe what happened.My wife did this, my wife did that, I was going todo that. You tell a story and some of the stories you remember,you know what I mean, and every month you get two or three newstories, and every six months you got five. In the next thing youknow, you got ten years and you got fifty stories, and twenty yearsyou got said and then it become they got all these stories and they're allabout you, when they're all true, and they're all about alcoholism, they'reall about this disease, they're all I'm not drinking, they're all about whatGod has done for you with and how it worked out, and every likethat said, they're all stories about the miracle. They're all stories about themiracle. And so there was a time in my life where I had tobecause it gets crazy. It's not even. It's not even. What are yougonna say? It's like you got too much to say, you knowwhat I mean. So you got one day. I started writing down justlike ten years. I had like a hundred eighty nine stories. I hadto put names off. So this is the crazy priest story, because Ilike the story because it's true and it talks a little bit about what's thisdisease really looks like. During my first ten years, so I was aboutseven years sober, and a kid wats into my office and he's like twentyyears twenty five years old, young kid, goodlooking kid from Boston, and he'sarrested and broad county from trafficking. Okay, two or three or fourkilos. I are Abra. Much was at that time and it still is. It's a fifteen your mentor minimum first defense. Twenty five years old asa wife, little baby, his mother and his father are professors up ina college somewhere, decent people, decent home. It was really sort ofbullshit in a sense because it was a handand saled on the cover. Agencygot me the rooms by a marijuana so the guy said, count the money, so we counted the money and helped him out with the you know.So they'd all get arrested in possession of cocaine spacing fifteen to thirty years,fifteen minimum, thirty years abroad county and the end. And so that's stillso they come to my office, told me the whole deal. I mean, I've been doing this shit for a long time. So I charge himup, at that time a large amount of money and I take on thecase. You know what I mean. And this is the kind of deal. You know if you're an alcoholic. Did you know that fears crosser threadthat months of your life? I didn't know that. I knew I hadan Alpop from I didn't like fear was supposed within the months of my life. It is fear and Greek, but mostly fear. You know what Imean. So I took the money. I'm certainly capable of handling case.I've handled nerd case, but worse than that. So I take the money. I got the kid and this is the deal. They say to me. This, this is this is basically...

...a theme throughout the entire case.Mr Spats, don't bother telling us you don't care what you're doing. Wetrust you. We know you're going to get johnny out of this. Weknow you're going to get johnny outs. No, we don't ask that now. I'll let you know every head. We don't even have to know.We trust you. We know you're going to johnny out of this. Andyou know alcoholic comes sort of like a people pleaser. And you know whatwe on't. I don't even know how toy answer. That's okay. Findeverything like that, and the more and the case forms before a judge.I know I'm not going to give the judge's name in broad county, buthe was. I'll put it. Let me try to explain the judge toyou in his office. In his office you had a Lectera chair on hisdesk that lit up. That gives you this, give you a like alittle picture of what I'm dealing with here. You know what I mean. Andif I was with some lawyers of broad county, some older guys,they know who I was talking about. Yeah, yeah, thank you verymuch. And so in any event, so that's who he falls before.So now the case is on and it gets continue. It takes anybody's beeninvolved this don't to take four, five, six months, and the more Iget into it, here's what I understand. Here's what I'm saying,because you have to be a rocket side to understand this. The only waythis kid is getting off is if Jesus Christ comes into the corporal and somehowflashes of light happen and the judge says, I'm letting you off just because Iforgive. You know what I mean. The guy with the election, thisguy, this guy's going away for fifteen years minimum. He's going awayfor fifty. There is no defense. You know I mean? I gotthe defense of I forgot dealing in coat. Kilos of cocaine was the illegal.Is Not going to work. Okay, he they we don't need fingerprints.His fingers were on the cocaine. You know what I mean? Theygot his fingers. You know what? They don't need the finger prints.Okay, the cops were there the whole things. there. There is nodefense. All there is is mom and dad. State spent game a lotof money to me say things like, Mr Spats, we trust you,you know. You know you're going to get Johnny off. And so everynight for seven months I'm going to sleep thinking what's going to happen when hegot seven years? I am I going to spend this? What's gonna Happento get some what are they gonna think about me? I'm a phony thingto report me to the bar front page miamy. Harold Russell, phony attorney, stole money from clients, promised to get them all. You know whatI mean. Whatever, I never did, but I mean you know, youknow, I go to sleep thinking about I wake up thinking about asI'm driving every day, I'm thinking about what's going to happen when my lifeis over and this thing happens and I'm sitting there and she's they're saying,how could you do this to us? How could you do this? Doesevery single flipping day, I mean a a meetings, I say the Lords, I take any prayer, I listen to the meeting, at the middleof meeting, all of some the start couns. What's going to happen whenand when Johnny gets fifteen years? To stay attention. I can't get awayfrom it. I'm constantly thinking of that for seven flipping months and every weekI call him up, tell him what's happening. They say miss best don'teven tell us. You know you're going to get johnny off this thing.And I'm I'm as physically sober as you can imagine and I'm like a basketcase. Now I can't tell anybody in...

...the hat this story. I cantell you and know where. You wouldn't like. Don't know. Bruce isin Crom or. He would do this. And if I told groups, youknow what I'm talking about, or if I told one of my whatif I call it one of these my what? I'm going to call oneof my buddies, one of my I'm gonna call one of my criminal testarybodies to say, listen, I've got this case, this case, andI'm scared that ain't going to fucking happen. You know what I mean, andyou don't like I'm in my s form of division chiefs thinks I'm goingto call this. I got this case. I'm scared I'm going to lose whatI when I so I'm just gonna here's what I'm doing. I'm justgonna think my way out of this thing. You know what I mean. Youknow how that works. I'm going to think about how my life isover and it's never going to be better again. And I'm dyet. I'msober and I'm doing I'm doing step means. I'M FONSING BE I'm sober and mylife is shit. I'm sober, I'm going to meetings, I'm doingsteps series, I'm sponsored people and my mental and emotional life is total fuckingshit. For six months. I can't get this thing. This is hauntingme like an obsession and there's no way out. I mean, this isreality, man. This child's coming up, this judge is there, the evidenceis there. I took the money. There's no, there's nothing. It'sthe odd. I either got to die or something. It's over forme. So my sponsor says, he says, you know, I havethis retreat. Why don't you go on this retreat with his father at groundand I said now, I can't go says Russell, getting the Carver,going this retreat. So it gets in the car. I seven years soberand I go to this retreat and this is Catholic priest, you know,Roman Catholic priest. He's thirty three years sober. Father Al Grow. He'sa PhD in psychology. He's the director of the Palm Beach Institute of alcoholismor something like that. He's a Jesuit priest, you know, he's gota PhD's got the whole bit. He's like top of the thing, andI'm not Catholic, but that's like top of the deal. Jesuit priest andhe's World War II hero, a survivor of the death march. Okay,so this guy is like top of the deal and he's doing he's the retreatmaster. So I'm saying to my guy, I'm saying to myself, this isthe guy, this is the guy. I can tell this Guy Roman Catholicpeace PhD. He's like sitting right next to God, you know whatI mean. He knows that he's got the whole thing. I'm going totell this guy my deal and he's going to solve everything. And I'm sayingfinally, for seven months I've been holding this thing in, this this crapin, you know what I mean. It's like xlax. It's coming out, you know what I mean. So if you've ever been to a retreat, if you ever been to a retreat, what happens at the end of between? They save. Anybody wants to speak to father out, they cansign up. So I sign that damn thing. Okay, it gets better. Okay, so I walk in there at my appointed time and I said, Father Out, Russell's fun. It's got seven years of Bub lies.Just look, I got a little something that's botty. He says, myson will tell me what it is. Start telling them exactly what I'm tellingyou. I represent this guy. Got The money, says, Whoa Hoosup his hand. He says, I'm not the guy to hear this.I look at my said just like what we call Coyus, interrupt us.You know what I mean? Is Ain't go, I said. He said, I'm not the guy to hear this. I said no, no, you'rethe guy. He says, no, no, no, trust me,I am not the guy. I should know. You're the guy.You're the guy. He's I'm not the guy's concure the guy, so says. So, no, he says,...

...okay, tell me, I'm notthe guy, but tell me. So I tell him the whole story.What are they going to think about me and what's going on and I'm goingto die and everything like that, he says. And so I finished.I tell the whole thing I said. So what do you think? Says? What do I think says? Still what you think? You really wantto know what I think. I won't know what you think, but thisthirty three years sober, Ph d in psychology, Jesuite priest, you know, director of the pompy CH institute. I want to know what you think. He says. Well, I think that you are full of Shit.I go and I'm my mouth goes like this, and then for twenty minuteshe beats the Lim and Shit on me, explaining me in detail why I'm fullof Shit. And I can't remember the entire talk, but I rememberpart of the tall, maybe the most important part of you says. Letme tell you. You know what I didn't know about Father Al is hewas directed the Pomby chansted. One of the things he dealt dead with,dealt with is that mothers who were pregnant and they were cocaine addicted, theydealt with cocaine babies, babies that were, you know, shaking because they cameout of cocaine. That's why I said I'm not the guy, andhe started telling me about the shit he says and you defend these people forfucking money. You use them for money. You defend these people for money,I said, you defend these monsters for money and you get bomp thisshit. I see. Said, let me tell you something. If thiskid didn't get caught, that cocaine would have been on the street. Hewouldn't be given a crap about you, you know. And if he goesto jail for fifteen years, and you want to something, probably should.He's not going to jail because you're a bad attorney, you didn't know whatyou're doing. He's going to jail because he's a criminal and he was doingsomething he shouldn't have done, and that's the only reason he's in jail,not because you're this is nothing to do with you. You're full of Shit. You know what I mean. You know this has nothing any just poundedon the stuff, you know what I mean. And then he said,and then they have to tell me I was full of Shit. Everything hesaid, you know, Roman Catholic Jesus called peace of my son, kindof Shit. You know what I mean. So I walk out of the Iwalk out of that room. I got seven, eight years, andnow I'm looking out walking out to my little room. They give you alittle room with a little bad, little cross over the bread bad, youknow what I mean. And I'm going like for the MOLISTIC, because here'swhat I'm thinking. I go in there to try to unload what's going on, to tell the priest, and I'm not. I only thing about confessionatingthat stuff. But you know, I forgot. I don't I mean,I don't know anything about this Catholic deal, but I don't think. I thinkthere's no to say, say, five held Mary's and a banana orsomething like that. They don't tell you're a piece of shit. I know. Let Means Imry, put the son fish to the pop. I'M gonnareport this thing. You know, this guy is like crazy, you know. So I'm sitting there on my bed and I'm doing the alky thing.I said this and he said that, and I said this and he saidthat, and I said this, he said that, and all of asudden this thought came across my mind like like that, and thought was maybehe's right dangerous than the next little was he is right. This is nothing. This guy went in there so cocaine. You think you're doing the best youcan if he goes to jails because he saw cocaine, and the fearleft me like that and it never came back again. I never that afterthat, worried about you know, as a a fact. I would tellthem so. I would never allow anybody get away with that's okay. Theycome in, they say, so,...

...what do you think's going to happen? I said, I think you're probably going to go to jail for aboutten or fifteen years. You know what I mean. I don't know whatyou probably go to jail. I'd never allow anybody to lay that still tripon me. I said, I think if it comes out the way itcomes out. If it doesn't work out, with it, but you're probably goingaway fifteen years. You know, you're not to be a rocket.Scientists understand what's going on here. I said, we got this play onthat play that every time, you know, and it never I never had aproblem with that crap again because it is crazy. Jesuit priest. Nowlet me tell you, tell you why that story is important. You know, by the way, one of the cakes. I'm not going to gointo why, how or anything like that, but it was very interesting how ithappened. But we want to try. Whenever the Apel Court they reversed himand its hold one thing. It's all legal, legal, legal,local poleshit, but it doesn't matter. But the bottom line is is thatI think maybe God was involved that too. I'll tell you why that story supportthat story is important. You know that seven months that I was beingtortured and going to meetings of being tortured. You know what that was? That'salcoholics. What do people going to think about me? What's going tohappen to me? All the forboating, all the scared, all the worried, how am I going to do with my client? When am I dothis? Everything that came from that thing. You know. The reason why Icouldn't be happy, even though I was sober, even though I wasgoing to mean you known't. That is that's now you. You're not goingto have the same kind of deal going on. You're not gonna have thesame circumstances. You're not going to represent somebody structure with cocaine. You're gonnahave some other shit. But that whole thing about being upsetable, you know, had nothing to do with a circumstance. That's pure UNADULTER rated centers of mymind, on my body. Alcoholism. That's what it looks like and Idon't even know. That's alcoholism. That's what it is, and itgrabs a hold of you and it wrestles you till you got maybe thirty fiveand you go through this crap. And you want to know something, Iprobably got a thousand stories just like that, but maybe it's only less than anhour. You know, I'm in other words, whatever that mechanism inme, that fear, that concerned, that worry about what other people thinkabout that, all the stuff, the money and everything piled into that story. You know what I mean? What's happened to me like every day fromthe first twenty thirty. I mean it's just it's you know, sometimes itwasn't as as that was like a big, blatant sort of thing. Sometimes it'sjust a small thing. But that's the real dis ease that I thatI you know, you can get rid of the drinking. You Ain't goingto get rid of that stuff like that. It ain't going to happen like that. Now, what's the whole point is, because the eleventh step andthe third step is somewhere in there. You know, so, without goingto a long story, to make a short story, as things went on, you know, I've been on my knees. How many times you thinkI went on my knees for this? How many times do you think Igot them and heed think, God, help me out with this case.Help me out with this case, help me out in this case. Howmany times, you know? How many times do you think I've been onmy knees with the cancer and the money and this? How many times youthink I've prayed at night when it was dark and there's somebody and I pay? You know what I mean. And so, over a period of time, the crush, eat and the stuff and life itself. You know whatI mean, and everything I've gone through. What has happened? One of thethings that happen is it went. It went from a guy like BillWilson, who said I don't believe any of this. God should this personalGod shit. You know, it's personal guy, and got to believe thatShit, you know. You know. Oh, yeah, okay, Godis my understanding. That's fine. It went from that Guy Through Bible Study, through folks and on the Lord. You know, I have to bea Christian, through going to church and...

...being baptized the guy. You know. So by the time I was twenty five years sober, for the mostpart, I should never happen to me again. Twenty five, thirty yearssober. I just I just live a pretty much a fearless life. NotOne hundred percent, or pretty much a fearless life. Why I should happendoesn't matter. You know, cancer and everything like that a pretty much.You know, it's I just you know, it's like rule sixty two. Youknow, I said, I test your sobriety. You know what upsetI just look at what upsets me. That tells you what you're sober.They're not whether or not you have about one you tell listen with you.SOBERS would upset you if you get upset over something, you know, that'swhen he starts that he ain't so you know, small shit. You sitin a mean you could have said somebody's talking about God. That's not thekind of sobriety I want. You get upset because somebody mentions church. That, Jesus, that's something sobriety I want. All that tells me is about whetheryou're sober and tells me nothing. It does all that tells me.I know what Bob Bob Smith was talking about. I know until Wilson wastalking about. I know what church they were going on. I know whatthey believe. I know what was happening. I know what the big book says. I know we talked about the good old time, he says.I know. I read the deal. Okay, you start worrying about whatwords people are using their meetings and how they're saying where they're going to do. The Lord's for another word, prayer. All it tells me is you're notsober. You start saying things to me like well, if they talkabout God when I can, I would have been here. All it tellsme as you're not so all it tells me is you're going to drink unlessyou get over that bullshit. This sort of thinking must be abandoned. That'swhat it says. That Dr Bottom at times. All I know. AllI know is that the real alcoholism, that center is in my mind,on my body, went away. The closer I got, the more committo Alt, utterly abandoning myself to God. All I know is when I finallygot to the point where I was, I lost all prejudice against organized religion. I be God to see where they're right. All I know iswhen I got to the point where I stopped apologizing for God, where Inever apologize for God, even talking about God in a meeting and not worryingabout what you think about me or whether you're rolling your eyes are not allI know when I got that point. It happened to be at a timeof my life when I started really utterly believing in God. So I knowthat what they say in the big book is right. There is one whohas all power, that one it's God. May you find them now and that'swhat will give you the promises and the fear of relieve the fear ofpeople in the economic insecurity. And that's the one thing people in a amost people, Ninety five percent of people don't want to go. They don'twant to do that deal. They want to play a light. You know, I don't want to play a like. You know the men that I followedand play Al Very simple. You know, I have a different understandabout a now I don't worship the steps. The steps are not God, stepsfor tools to get me to where I have to go. You understandthat's going to get me to the road to happy destiny. I want toget the happy destiny. I want to be rocking in the fourth dimension ofexistence and experience much of Haman, and that's what I want to do.And that means you got to make God cuent a fact your life and becomeconvinced he lives in your heart of mind and way, which the demiraculous,which is different from make up your own God. Just make it up,you know, whatever you want it to be. Thank you very much.That's all I have to say.

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