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Episode · 1 month ago

Russell S. Talk 6 at the Sabal Palm Group 9/15/2021

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Russell S. Talk 6 at the Sabal Palm Group, Miami, FL 9/15/2021  

It's been a while, so it's good to behere, and all I can do is talk about my experience. You know my experience isnominally my experience about myself when I experiencing experience with allsorts of other people and characters and things I've seen in alcoholicsanonymous a sponsor. I don't even know how many people I knew somebody saidhow many people have you sponsored. I said I did know you're supposed to keepcount. I, whatever forty years, you know forty years who knows, but you know that kind of deal, so I'vewatched them come and I've watched them go and I've had these incrediblementors and people in my life that come in and out and Cutch Day, I've muchwatch the bee go and come and the people going come and I think I'velearned a little just a little. I've learned I've learned the way we learnin a you know the way the book says. We learn it. It's true, you know what oneof the thing is. Not only will, God prove himself to you, but a a the bigbockle prove itself to I mean it's absolutely right. My chiefcharacteristic is defiance. I want to do what I want to do and I don't wantyou telling me what to do and I'm going to do the way I want to do it and goscrew yourself and that's the way. It is that's my attitude. I have the sameattitude nobles and had when he came to do welts anonymous like all I wolveshave, and I don't believe in God. I don't want any boy, shove God on mythroat, I hate the idea of God. You know o this idea of the person of God isGull Shit. I don't want that some star, the heavens or anything like that. It'sa bunch of crap and I'm like I do Batra, and so that's right on the big bookright at his story, and so the Guy Says Bell Sais Mon once you do this on howabout why you just pick out your own conception of God, whatever you thinkhe is whatever won't you do that I is. I can do that I'll. Do that. Do youknow what I mean and that's no problem as long as I'm in charge? It's my Godright, I'm in charge. I agree, you know you know I mean if I want to go screwup. If I'm an to scoot around on my wife and God says it's: Okay, that'sokay! Yeah! That God's fun. If I want to you, know skill my I but oI a yeah, you know, I know it's the kind of God that you know doesn'tpunish me. He doesn't do anything just make me feel bad or guilty and you cana yeah. You can have that on any God. You want an worry about. I want to Godthat I have to go to church that you don't need that K. I don't want to. Godwere I I don't want to God. I have to stop master Bain ready that Jo, don'twant that God I don't want to God, where I can't look at women. I don'twant God that I can't you know I can't just screw up my what I want is. I wantto kind of God where I can live life way. I want to live life and I have tochange that much and he doesn't give me shit. Yeah Yeah, you pick that got up areal fuzzy sort of like whose sea nuse kind of do whatever hell you want to do.I love you anyway, Co, yeah I'll, take that that can handle back. You know andwhat's like a too specific about this shit, you know what I mean and I don't want that ten command in God orany in that of the kind of God stuff, but that's okay in a a because this ispirital kindergarten. You know, and I have kids and I have four kids and Iraised seven grandkids and I see him when they're four fove years old dothey'll go for shit like that. You know what I mean like I. You know it'skindergarten, so I come Andaye with that kind of that's kind of God. I canday with kind of you know, don't lent bother you so much. Don't do talk toomuch about God. Don't worry about the God thing. He has nothing to do withyour life or anything like that, and but I I'm seventy. Two Years Old, I'vehad cancer twice. I've raised four ten seven grandkids o support. If you wantown contributions and my perspective, you know you read this big book andsays I never read this tinge the big book. It says some crazy as shit. Youknow, you know they say, don't worry aboutthe God thing, and then you got doctor Bob saying if you're an atheists havesome sort intellectual pride, I feel sorry for you, you heavily fun whenever,like that an it says it says you got utterly abandon yourself to God. Itsays half man, it says there is one who has all power that one is God me youfind them now. It says: half managers of value, nothing. There is no bills,road solution. God is everything or he's not thing. You know what I mean.What's your decision going to be yeah,...

I mean it's crazy shit. It says wellabove everything we must get rid of this selfish ess. We must or kills usGod makes that possible. Your delusion and now my unpolite, I thought I wasthe only normal one. I guess Tobrah truth or fall some delusional. It saysGod makes that possible once you make a decision for him a sincere decisionalso as remarkable things happen being all powerful. Look if you ever whateveryou need. You stay close in to performs work. Well, so your real reline has tobe on him. He will show you even how to create the Fellowship Ray Seenin. Yourrelationship with him is right and great events went on the past few andcomes others. We never apologize or on we're out. O God run a new leveltrusting in line upon God. We never bought all better fate at purge. Theytrust their God. I mean that's the big book of out well, Sam, that's that'sthe big book of that Bon synonymous, but they said Yeah. Don't worry! Dothat Shit! Sudn't worry! I don't wear that BAT CRAB! You know just don'tdrink one day at the time, but then they got this little thing hidden inthe six step. This little thing is like wine, its line. You know because, apparently,if you're in Altho, one of the one of the problem is your chiefcharacteristic now this isn't from me. So I mean you don't have to like what Isaid. You know. I understand that I have a son of my office, I'm in toTurney Sina, because I got guys coming up say say all O: It's a Shit, you knowwhat I mean yeah, I shot him three times a way, a rate his life, but theydeserve that. You Nuit Yeah. You tell the judge in the joy that they're gonnathey're gonna eat that Shit. They can eat that shit up. You know yeah, that'sright. They should have done that to you. So I got a son, my office. It says thetruth, you the truth. You can't handle the truth, you know and but I'm a hardguy to teach the truth to, because I have my own ideas. The way the wordshould run world should run, and I'm not the one that has these ideas, I'mnot the only one who thinks the way. I think I'm not alone in this, because Iused the hang out in a bar called the alibi land and I used to drink with a lot ofattorneys and pops judges and I used to drink with some really serious people and they were all drinkers just like meand drink them four o'clock in the morning. Let me tell you something:they all thought exactly the way I thought all the people I used to hang around. Imean an. I can't be crazy, because you know I'm not the only one that said youknow, God was married. Twenty five years kick a bitch o the side, get ridof Er get another one, I'm a are they thought exactly the way I thoughtpeople are disposable, do whatever you want to do. You know it's, not your phone Ross,you're, a great guy, so I'm not the only one who thinks the way. I thinkyou know what I mean. I made a living of hang around people. That think theway I think, every once in a while by accident, I'drun into somebody who didn't think the way I thought my first life didn't think the way Ithought I love the she was beautiful. I had a marry Er. You know I had to havethat girl. You know what I mean that I got her. It was just nearly a year downthe road after at a first job. I realized that she was not thinking theway I was thinking. I wouldn't she would tell me she wantedto be home for dinner at six o'clock, which is prime drinking time. As youknow, you get off an I o, the bar for thirty, for the rush. So I drank by sixo'clock, like I'm going, I ain't coming home till four o'clock in the morning.I'd even listen to me. I'd even invite my wife to drink with me and my bodies hes orthe south of the ER. You know what she said to me. One time this is oomin. Shesaid, I'm not gonna, I'm not going to sit around trink or those bum futurebons. These are the only people that actually know me and understanding. You know I mean they were so sick. They they may have been sickan crazy, butthey understood me sort of like the same crowd. I hang around today. Youknow I've been able to shake those guys. You know what I mean...

...always hanging around them. You knoweither here on zoom their own same same guy same gals. You know the samecrazies, you know, but you know they're a little bit better, the Nicer Nough, but here's what happened to me and theydescribe it in the book. You know I'm pretty defiant guy, you know you try to.Please don't be telling an alcoholic is an out, don't be telling o but anythinghe's thinking in his mind. You Know Fuck you and the horse you wrote in on.You know what I mean now listen. I know we have problems,some people, a proms, the word fuck. Now. Let me because I'm just Goin tosay this deal, I'm an alcoholic. One of my old ideas is I'm such a pieceof crap, I'm so stupid. Nobody understands me, nobody could possiblyunderstand. Be Nobody's like me, I'm so unique. That's an old idea. You got toget rid of that old die. It doesn't take a long time to get to that oldidea. You hang rode for a few months. You realize that is fucked up. You areeverybody else is just as fucked up just like you. You know what I mean.That's why we like, let's Fay, that's what we like this, because the matterhow fucked up you are the guy said that you was just as fucked up and maybe ata baby at a higher level. You know what I mean, just possibly it goaties be say: YOU'LL, be here inShanes man that guy's fucking Ras Youse Shit. I did that less Thursday. Youknow what I mean, and, and so I know so I speak out. You understand what I'msaying. I don't try to make believe. I'm mature Trom, St Russel. I speakOkey. So what I know is. I know that when somebody cuts you off and scaresthe shit out of your flipout say in your mind, fuck you. I know you use theF word in your mind. Now. I know you use the for to mine, Okay and I'm likewant. If you ask you one of wonted of you assholes on the nuclear polygramand say you say the effort, you mind all the time, don't you you say? No, doI otilie up like a son of a bitch, you know what I mean. So the truth of the matter is, I speakof. I speak out loud what we think in our mine, because I want you to makesure I am one I understand I don't you think. I'mjust long make believe out on the real deal. You know because Iknow alcohol is, that is more than just not drinking the drinking is but asimple. So the bottom line is, is he like Bill Wilson? Who was defiant? You know, I am all power, I am allpowerful great. I am the greatest and at the same time, in the back mine, I'msaying and I'm also a piece of Shit I e. I got that to two thoughts going. Iam the greatest nobody appreciates me. I am incredible to put me in charge theunder face on the piece of Crowden, terrible whatever you do do put me incharge. Insino a I mean brave, I'm Roy Rogers, I'm windleness.Would you know what I mean the other side? It is o Molly Cot. You know yeah,I'm just I get so much. You know you know I I got to get. I love women, I'm crazyabout women. I'm scared to approach them. Put a company. Take a couple of shots,a scotch man. I'll tell you what you know I'll approach anything you know o some Gal. She says get out of here,so you're lost sweetie. You know what I mean and you're telling me that stuffis the problem. That's the only solution I had in my life. You know the boot, you know, but what happens is- and I don't knowwhat alcoholism is. Even when I get even when I came a day a because Icouldn't stop drinking- and I had to come here because I wanted to- and Ihad found him and God had put me in a point where I was entirely ready to dowhatever to stop drinking. He when I came here- and the only reason I camehere is because of the name alcoholics anonymous. It's son, like the name, gives in a wayprobably has some to do with alcohol. Don't you think where we do go thePuana club or something so I came here even when I want to do. I pick umblewhite ship. You want to stop drinking. I had no clue what Alcoholis was. Ithought is what I thought it had to do...

...with drinking, how many people think alcos vest to adrinking. I forget the drinking things forget thedrink, a thing now, there's fifteen people in the banana. You know who'sthey're, guys there, there, twenty years sober that have been telling everybody thatthey can run to don't drink and go to me. It's not a bad thing to say, but it's not about out that's not aboutout boms, because most of the people aresuffering about out, because the people that are suffering, alcoholism andalcoholics, anonymous aren't drinking. You know they're, just not drinking. When you to drinking you don't sufferround, you have some. You suffer alcos and when you're sober I'm to read thebook and says Ben Wena drink a hay like the effect produced by Alco, they arerestless or bald discontented less. They can get experience set some reason:Comfort with consolons like taking a few drinks. The alcoholism is therestless, pirital and discontent and whatever a string of words you want toput in front of him. You know it's alcoholism happens when you're soberdrinking is our solution. Alcoholism. Until you get to the point where youknow you're addicted to it, and you can't stop drinking the wheels fall offan you got to stop and then you stop and you get sober in your back intoatoll. Is it again alcoholism? You know it you. You knowwhen your suffren alboise now not necessarily now not now listeningto some drunk talk about alcoholism. This is actually sort of suiting to thealcoholic you know, except for the guy, in thepaths load without posing saying who's this as ole you they were to. Let metalk that kind of Shit, that's alcoholism. You know I mean that hedoesn't know that's out all of them because he's just a wall when you'reinvolved in it. You don't know it. You just think bad thoughts about yourselfand other people and it's a difficult to listen. So so then, so the book sortof tells you what it's about, but the truth is with somebody like me. Sometimes you got to learn a guy,especially like me. I have to learn a particular lesson about what alcoholismis and what it looks like you know the first step getting out jails on yourJon, the first place. I got to see what Alcholic is because centers in my mind,not my body. It's the way. I think, because I'm insane, I don't think, I'minsane, which is part of the inside you Corse, but I'm insane so the device. This thing where, if Ibelieve in a quote high power, it can restore me to sanity, it can make mefrom insane to San. They don't tell you about the part.They don't explain to you about. It takes twenty five to thirty five years say that Shitai mean I'm telling I'mtelling you what this an Lis. This is a this way. I'm being honest, I'm tryingto be honest with you. Listen, I understand you can think I'ma prey. I understand that I understand you can say that guy doesn't know whatthe hell he's talking about. I'm going Tosay it anyway, because what the Hellis told me a fucking, a right. You know what I mean and I don't care. If youhate me, it doesn't bother me. You know I mean I'm just Goin to say you, twothirty years, thirty years, yeah thirty years, thirty, three five years, so not perfect. I don't know long timelong time, six steps as it separate the mental boys repeated you man, you knowwhat does it say repeatedly try these things for a lifetime. You know thatkind of stuff. The humbly thing come Leo. So here's the deal so the the bomWi. So they have this line in the sixth step, great step somebody sent today ona meeting. I think these crazy. You know here's the problem, I'm fortyyears, so almost forty two almost forty one years over and I don't think theway I thought and it's like they say in first going being thirteen which, whatthey found absolutely essential to read. I see through a glance darkly. I reallydon't see. What's really going on using my mind, I really cannot see whatyou're like amazing grace. I was blind now I see I I'm one month so run twomonths over I'm five years over I'm...

...seven years over. I have no fuckingclue what the Hell is wrong with me. I'm working steps, UN sponsoring peopleI'm going on over I'm doing everything and seven years old round my fuckingmess, I'm crazy. Although because I'm in a a, I can be crazy and I can film and I don't necessarilyact crazy because one of the great benefits of aa you can have three years or four yearsor seven years or ten years and have a nuclear thumbo nuclear wargoing on in your brain. But you could sit around you C charbans. You can sponsor people and then you gohome and you wake up three o'clock morning and it's like the Russians andthe Cubans and the Chinese and they're all there trying to kill you and youdon't even know what to say to me. He said what the hell was strong with and that may take another twenty yearson that kind of de Yeah. You laugh at me well see how, let's I don't care,because I know what you guys Goin to ask. I know what I know it's waitingfor you. I know it's waiting for you. You know, that's the deal you know, andso it says in the book. What it says is the truth, but it says the truth in thebook and the books as this. The way we get a new perspective is by repeated humiliations and thefinal crushing of our self sufficiency, and we get to learn the value ofsuffering or, as the Apostle James said, it says rejoice when you have trials ofevery time, because if you endure through those trials and you focus onGod, your faith will mature and you'll get closer to God and you get more songand less upsettable. You know what I mean and the bottom line is. Is I don'twant to do that, because I want to run from pain, I want to run and hide andlie or do whatever I can to get away from pain, and you just can never avoidit, because sometimes you cause it toyourself. But it's coming because life is tough, like John Wade says it's ahumbling experience, so the only benefit of from having forty years innot drinking is I've had forty years of being crushed and humiliated all thetime every day. So at seven years sobriety life isgreat, except when it's terrible, but at least I'm not being thrown withdrunk ten I'm going to amy. There are times Iactually feel good. There are times that I'm grateful. There are times thatI feel you know, I'm grateful it being some of there are times where I think Ifeel like finally got this thing. I feel good and then all of a sudden,it's three o'clock in the morning- and I want to I want off myself- slept whenI was over gone. I'm telling me then there's then there's the other times.I'm saying I onderstand. How can you feel good and go to amy's own stuff andthen all of a sudden you know before hours later, I feel like a nut cake, again to a big argument in my wife or something happens, a small thing and Iget crate. How can I, how can I jockey this sort of, like I'm sober for threehours and then I'm a nut for five minutes and then I'm up it's like backand forth and back and forth, and it's never perfect, there's always somethinggoing on some sort of problem. Like a drama all so I got a story. So I'm gonna tell youa story. I got a story, you know, because our stories is in a general way.Will we just be like what happen, what we are like now, so I find thatsometimes the best thing I can do to so describe this theses and how it workson you and maybe even talk about the victory, but even if you're nuts, you know youknow something I would never put down early sobriety. I love being some whenI was three years I wil be in some when I was five years I live in someone. Iwas ten years when I was twenty years. I love being sober thirty years, O Libeing sober. But if you ask me right now, how would I like to go back totwenty five years? Ten years I'd say no way...

...no way at hit because it gets better. Better is goodand gooder. So let me tell you a story, so I can describe a little bit aboutwhat alcoholism is light and how how it affected me. So this is a true sort. That's what Ilike about our stories, the true a to make them up. You know like sit downand make them up. You just have to be there. I remember you know what I mean, so I'm an attorney. So I this is theI'm going to tell story this. I'M gonna. I call this the crazy priest story. Youknow one of the benefits I got and it really is it's a blessing for mebecause God says one of the thing that my God, God my own skin says, is thatyou constantly are looking for people to help and giving the Maxim servicing.Since I'm a I'm a lawyer, you know I get I'm on a papal Shit artist. Youknow what I mean. I get paid to open my mouth and say Shit like this, but you know that pens, so I've been has togo around and sometimes talk to different places. You know what I meanand that's what I do so like so I've been doing this for like twenty years.You know and- and I have all these stories you know because all of asudden when you hang around Daya, you start hearing stories of other peopleand stories of what they were. Like before they were turn the Ol yeah, Iwas like and stories they had when you were drinking, and you have storiesthen, and and you start they start getting ut, I won't you do a mean. DoMe Tell a story and then you come to day Ay without even knowing and youdevelop every day. You've got another story, you may not remember it may notbe that bit. You come and you say, and you wouldn't believe what happened. Mywife did this. My wife did that I was going to do that. You tell a story someof the stories you remember, you know what I mean, then, every month you getto it the new stories and every six months. You have five and thenext thing. You know you got ten years and you got fifty stories and twentyyears you get sent and then it becomes. They got all these stories and they'reall about you and they're all true and they're, all about althoea and they'reall about this disease they're all by not drinking they're, all about whatthe God is done for you with and how it worked out and on be like that and said,they're all stories about the miracle, they're all stories aboutthe America, and so there was a time in my life where I had to sit. It's crazy.It's not even it's not even what are you going to say it's like you got toomuch to say you know what I mean so you get one day I started. Writing down islike ten years I had like a hundred and eighty nine stores I had to put nameson. So this is the crazy precor S. I like the story because it's true and ittalks about what this disease really looks like during my first ten years, so I was about seven years Soberan akid wants into my office and he's like twenty years. Twenty five years oldyoung kid been looking cad from Boston and he's arrested in Brad County fortrafficking, two or three or four kilos. I can emerich was at that time, and itstill is it's a fifteen year, man to a minimum, first defence, twenty fiveyears old as a wife, little baby, his mother and his father are professors upin a college somewhere decent people decent home. It was really sort ofbullshit in sense, because I was a hand and sale don the cover agency HAP to beof the room. He us by marijuana. So the guy said count the money. So we countup the money and helped them out with the deal, and so they all got arrestedin profession, O F facing fifteen to thirty years, fifteen minimum thirtyyears of Grog County and the, and so that still so they come to my office.Tell me the whole deal. I mean I've been going the ship for a long time, so I trojam at that time a launchamount of money and I take on the case. You know what I mean, and this is thekind of deal you know if you're an alcoholic did you know that fearscroser thread that mens ou your life? I didn't know that I know I no O O. Ilike fears. As of that on my life. It is fearing great, mostly fear. You knowwhat I mean, so I took the money, I'm certainly capable of Hanley case ifhandled nerd, because lot worse in that, so I take the money. I got the kid.This is the deal...

...they say to me this. This is this isbasically a theme throughout the entire case, MR spats, don't bother telling us you don't carewhat you're doing. We trust you. We know you're going to get johnny out. We know you're going to get Johnnie outof this. We don't do let you know everything wedon't even have to know. We trust you. We know you. I Johnny had this an youknow: Hal come sort of like a people. Please, and you know what I haven't. Even money has that's okay,Foney, like that and the more in the case forms before ajudge. I know I'm not going to give the judgesname in Grog County, but he was I'll put it. He. Let me try to explain thejudge to you in his office. It is office. You had a an electric chair onhis desk that lit upthat gives you this. Give you a like a little picture ofwhat I'm dealing with her. You know what I mean and if I was with some lawyers and Brodchensome older guys, they now o o yeah yeah. Thank you very much and so in a tent. So that's who we fallso now the case is on and it gets continued. It takes. Any body has beeninvolved, is toe. Think four five six months and the more I get into it. Here's.What I understand is why I sang because you not have to be a rocket side tounderstand this. The only way this kid is getting on is if Jesus Christ comes into the courtroom and somehow flashes of light happen and the junksays I'm letting you off. Just because I forget you know what I mean the guywith the election, this guy, this guy's, going away for fifteen years, minimum he's gone away for fifty. Thereis no defense. You know I mean I, the defense of I forgot dealing and cotkilos of cocaine was illegal, is not going to work. Okay, we don't need finger prints. Hisfingers were on the cocaine. You know what I name. They got his fingers. Youknow what they don't need. The finger prints. Okay, the cost were there thewhole things there there is no defense. All there is is Mama Dad is fate. Spentgave a lot of money to me same things like suspense. We trust you, you know, youknow you're going to get johnny off, and so every night for seven months, I'm going to sleep thinking, what's going to happen, you got sevenyears. I I you to pen this, that's gonnaHappen to go so what ar they go? Think about me, I'm a forty. He in report meto the Bar Front. Page Miami Harold Russell Phony Attorney stole money from clients, promise toget him off. You know what I mean whatever I never did, but I mean youknow you know I go to sleep thinking about. I wake up thinking about as I'm driving every day. I'm thinking about. What's going tohappen when my life is over and this thing happens and I'm sittingthere and she they're saying how could you do this to us? How could you do this? Does everysingle flipping day I'm an a amy? I Say Lord any prayer. I listen to the meeting atthe middle of meeting all of some the STACON. What's going to happen when Johnny getsfifteen years state, I can't get away from it. I'm constantly thinking aboutfor seven flipping months and every week. I call him up. Tell himwhat happened. They say Tis best time to tell us. We know you're going to getJohnny off Tisan, I'm almost physically sober, as you can imagine, and I'm likea basket titch. No, I can't tell any...

...body in a hate story I can tell you not.Were you wouldn't understand like to Bruce is in com more? He wouldnow- and if I told Ruth you know what I'm talking about or if I told one ofmy what if I call one of these, my what I'm Goin to cop one of my buddies, whatif I I cut one of my prime press turn body to say: Listen, I've got this caseis case and I'm scared that ain't go to fucking happen. Youknow what I mean I like I'm in my s, fone division. Shesay Salmon Clubs. I got this case. I'm scared, I'm Goin a litle. What, when Iso, I'm just Gahet what I'm doing? I'm just gonna think my way out of thisthing. You know what I mean. You know how that works. I'm going to thinkabout how my life is over. If it's never going to be better again and I'mdying, I'm sober and I'm doing I'm doing. Step means I'm fun, one be I'msober and my life is shit. I'm sober I'm going to meetings, I'mdoing step series, I'm sponsored people and my mental and emotional life istotal fucking shit for six months. I can't get this thing. This isquanting like an obsession and there's no way out. I mean this isreality on this trills coming on this judge. Is there the evidence? Is there?I took the money, there's no there's nothing. It's the on. I either got todie or something it's over for me. So my sponsor says he says you know Ihave this retreat. Won't you go on this retrofit father all ground, and I said no, I can't go to the street. Igot work. I got. I got. You says Russell Gettin, the carver ministry, soit gets me in the car, I'm seven years old and I go to street tree, and thisis Catholic priest. You know, Roman Catholic crests, thirty three years,sober father and grow he's a PhD in psychology he's the director of thePalm Beach Institute balcolm or something like that. He's a jesuitpreach. You know he's got a ged's a whole bit he's like top of the thing,and I'm not captain to this. Like top of the the deal Jesuit Crest and he'sWorld War, two hero a survivor of the death march okay,so this guy is like top of the deal and he's doing he's the retreat master. So I'm saying to my guide, I'm sayingto myself: This is the guy. This is the guy. I can tell this GuyRoman cantrips PhD he's like sitting right next to God. You know what I meanand knows every he's got the whole thing. I'm going to tell this guy my deal and he's going to solveeverything and I'm saying finally, for sevenmonths, I've been holding this thing in this. This crap in you know what I mean.It's like exlax, it's coming out. You know what I mean. So if you member an to retreat, if youhave been to a retreat, what happens at the end of retreat, they say if anybodywants to speak to father out, they could sign up. So I sign that damnthing: okay, this gets better okay, so I walk in there at my appointed time and I said Father Al Russells foundit's got seven years. Bob Lies. Look. I got a little somethin. That's potted meto see in my son will tell me what it is. I start telling them exactly whatI'm telling you I represent. This guy got the money says well hose of thisfane says: I'm not God to hear this. I look on my sad just like what we call potis interruptus. You know what I mean is a A. I said he said, I'm not the guy to hear this. I said no, no you're, the guy. He says!No! No! NO TRUST ME! I am not the guy, I said no you're, the guy you're, theguy, so I'm not the guy o you do the...

God such as so he says. Okay, tell me,I'm not the guy, but tell me so I tell him the whole story. What are theygoing to think about me and what's going on and I'm gonna die andeverything like that, he says, and so I finished I I tell the wholething I said. So. What do you think says? What do I think so still? What do you think? You reallywant to know what I think I wanwinet this thirty three years- sober pacedand psychology, Jesuit priest. You know director of the PombeInstitute. I want to know what you think he says. Well, I think that youare full of Shit. I go and- and my moth goes like thisand then for twenty minutes- he beats the Living Shit on me explaining me indetail. Why I'm full of Shit- and I can't remember the entire tongue,but I remember part of the top, maybe the most important part of this is letme taste- and you know what I didn't know about father all as he wasdirected the Pambete one of the things he built dead with delmet is thatmothers who were pregnant and they were cocaine addicted they tug with cocaine,babies, babies that were you know, shaking asthey came out of cocaine. That's why I said I'm not the guy and he started telling me about theshit. He says, and you defend these people for fucking money. He did use for money. You defend these people formoney. I said you defend these monsters for money. You get all the Shit I seesaid. Let me tell you something: This kid didn't get caught, thatcocaine would have been on the street. He wouldn't be given a crop about you,you know and if he goes to jail for fifteen years, and you want tosomething he probably should he's not going to jail because you're a badattorney, you didn't know what you're doing he's falling a job because he's acriminal and he was doing something he should have done and that's the onlyreason he's in jail, not because you this is nothing to do with you, you'refully shit. You know what I mean. You know this has nothing and he justpounded on this stuff. You know what I mean and then he said, and then they have totell me. I was full of Shit everything he said. You know role counties onpiece of my son and of it. You know what I mean, so I walk out of the I walk out of that room.I got seven or eight years, I'm looking out walking out to my living room. Theygive you a little room. A little bed little cross over the bread bag. Youknow what I mean and I'm going like for the bolsting,because here's what I'm thinking I can win there to try to unload. What's going on on and tell thepriest that I'm not, I don't know anything about confession that stuff,but you know I figure. I don't I mean I don't know anything about this Catholicdeal, but I don't think I think this was say say five. He Hill Mary's in abanana or something like that. They don't tell you you're a piece of ship.I know I mean Somroo, the Sun Bitch to the pope import this. You know this guyis like raising you know, so I'm sitting there on my bed and I'mdoing the alky thing. I said this and he said that, and I said this and hesaid that, and I said this: he said that and all of a sudden this thoughtcame across my mind like like that and thought was maybe he's right dangerous than the next loess is notthis guy went in there self cocaine you're doing the best you can if hegoes the jails because he sold Oka and the fear left me like that, and it never came back again. I never then, after that worried aboutyou know as a matter act I would tell them to. I would never allow anybody toget away with that's, okay, they come...

...and they say. So. What do you thinksgoing to happen? I said I think you're probably going to go to jail for theten or fifteen years. You know what I mean. I don't know ifyou probably go to jail. I'd, never allow anybody to lay that guild trip onyou. I said I think if it comes out the way it comes out if it doesn't work outwith it, but you're, probably going away fifteen years, you know you're not to a rock sciencesto understand. What's going on here, I said we got this play on that plane. Ihave done you know and I never. I never had a problem with that crap again,because this crazy judge wit priest. Now, let me tell you tell you why thatstory is important. You know, by the way, on the case, I'M NOT gonna go into Y hoorahing wasvery interesting how it happened. We went to trower the phelot reversalholes, a legal legal egalo, pole shit, but it doesn't matter,but the bottom line is, is that I think maybe God was involved in that too I'll. Tell you why that stories, that'sstores important. You know that seven months that I was being tortured and goto menin to be in torture know. That was that's. How holds what are people going to think about me?What's going to happen to me all the for Boer, being all the scared,all the worried? How am I going to deal with my client? When am I did thiseverything that came from that thing? You know the reason why I couldn't behappy, even though I was sober, even though I was calling me, and you knowwhat that is. That's now you you're not going to havethe same kind of deal going on. You're, not gonna, have the same certain you'renot going to represent some nos Tragi Ocany gonna have some other ship, but that whole thing about beingupsettable. You know had nothing to do with the CIRCUMSESSI. That's pure unadulterated, centers of my mind,not my body, alcoholism, that's what it looks like and I don't even know thatalcolic that's what it is and it grabs a holdof you and it wrestles. You till you got maybe thirty five and you gothrough this crap and you want to know something. I probably got a thousandstories just like that, but maybe it's all only less than an hour. You know I mean, in other wordswhatever that mechanism in me that fear that concern and worry about what otherpeople think about that all the stuff, the money and everything piled intothat story. You know what I mean was happening to me like every day forthe first thousand and thirty I mean it's just it's you know. Sometimes itwasn't as as that was like a big bladen sort of thing. Sometimes it's just a small thing, butthat's the real disease that I that I you know you can get ridof the drinking you ain't going to get rid of that stuff like that. It ain'tgoing to happen like that now. What's the whole point is because theeleven step in the third step is somewhere in there. You know so without going to a long story, makea short story. As things went on, you know, I've been on my knees. How manytimes do you think I went on my knees for this? How many times do you think Igot him, and you say God help me help in this case. Help me out a help me out how many times you know how many timesdo you think I've been on my knees with the cancer and the money and this? Howmany times do you think I've prayed at night when it was dark and there'ssomebody a night pay? You know what I mean and so over period of time, thecrush and the stuff and life itself. You know what I mean and everythingI've gone through. What has happened? One of the things that happened as itwent. It went from a guy like Bill Wilson, who said, I don't believe in any ofthis godship. This person got shit an now, his personal guy ain't, going tobelieve that Shit. You know, you know: Oh Yeah, okay, God is my understanding,that's fine! It went from that guy. Through Bible study. You focus on the Lord. You know I haveto be a Christian through going to...

...church and be a BAPTIS IC guy. You knowso by the time I was twenty five years so for the most point. That should neverhappen to me again. Twenty five, thirty years over, I justI just live pretty much a perilous life, not one hundred percent, a pretty mucha fearless life. What of should happen? Doesn't matter, you know cancer andeveything like that it pretty much. You know I I just you know it's likerule, sixty two, you know I say hi to test your society. You know what I'vesaid. I just look. What upsets me that tells me what your Soeren, whetheror not you have that money. It tells me with your soapers, would have set you and you get upset over something. I that's when s I he ain't so fall hit. You said in a bean you can have saidsomebody's talking about God. That's not the kind of surprise I want youcould have set, because somebody mentions church that Jesus then sesFriday. I all that tells me is about whether your sobre tells me nothing. Itdoes all that tells me. I know what Bob Bob Smith was talking about. I knowwhat Joe Wilson was talking about. I know what churches they were going now.I know what they believe. I know what was happening. I know what the Big Onesays. I know we talk about the good old time he says I know I read the deal.Okay, you start worrying about what words people are using and beatings andhow they're saying whether in to the Lords for another word par, all ittells me is you're not sober. You start saying things to me like well.If they talk about got when I e Man, I would have been here well, tells meyou're not, so all that tells me is you're going todrink. Unless you get over that full shit, this sort of thinking must beabandoned. That's what it says it dockmoney. All I know all I know isthat the real alcoholism that centered is, in my mind on my body, went awaythe closer. I got the more cone to hold a utterly abandon myself to God. All I know is when I finally got to thepoint where I was. I lost all prejudice against organizing ligion. I began tosee what they're right all I know is when I got to the point where I stoppedapologizin God. I never apologized got even talking about God in the meetingand not worried about what you think about me or whether you're rolling youreyes, and I only I know when I got that point. It happened to be at a time ofmy life when I started really utterly believing in God. So I know that whatthey say in the big book is right. There is one o wise all power. That oneis God, may you find them now and that's what will give you thepromises and the fear of relieve of fear people in the economic, ansecurity and that's the one thing people in a a most people. Ninety fivepercent of people don't want to go. They don't want to do that deal. Theywant to play a a light and I don't want to play a life youknow and the men that I follow didn't play a like very simple. You know Ihave a different understand about a now. I don't worship the steps. Steps arenot steps of tools to get me to where I have to go. You understand that's goingto get me to the road to have THY destiny. I want to get the happydestiny. I want to be rocking in the fourth dimension of existence andexperience. Much bet it and that's what I want to do, and that means you got tomake God sech affect your life and become convinced. He lives in your hardmind in a way which so deem her actus, which is different from make up yourown God. Just make it up. You know whatever youwant it to be. Thank you very much. That's all I have to a.

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