AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 10 months ago

Russell S. Talk 5 at the Sabal Palm Group 9/8/2021

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Russell S. Talk 5 at the Sabal Palm Group, Miami, FL 9/8/2021  

... drinking, you know, most of you guys know. This is like preaching the choir. There's probably some New People here. You know. The big book says alcohols, but a symptom of our disease is a lot of symptoms besides out, besides the close it says unless until not bolt accepts his alcoholism. You know, accepts his alcoholism and all its consequences. To surbrietal be precarious of true happens, but at all. Apparently there are consequences to be an alcoholic. There are consequence to be an alcoholic. Drinking is just one symptom, one consequence. That's the smallest thing. It's the smallest thing. You drink for about ten, fifteen, twenty years, you'll fall on your ass, you destroy yourself, you come in, you stop drinking and then you deal with real shit for the rest of your life, you know, because the real disease centers in your mind, not your body. And then you come in and they immediately hit the set. The step, which has nothing with drinking, has to do with being insane. I don't has to be insane, because it be. We're supposed to be restored to sanity. You don't restore saying people with sad baby store insane people in Sanity. And don't worry if you don't know why you're insane or how you're insane, because if you continue to live your life on this planet, this fallen world, the next fifteen, twenty years, you will come to realize that you're nuts. You'll realize that they're nuts. No, they're not. So I understand their praise. Is Crazy. There you're as Nutt as you are. They just don't drink. You know, that's okay, they do other things, you know what I mean. But you'll realize somewhere during the whole process that they're driving you crazy. And it's a short fucking drive. Let me tell you something. They're driving me crazy. And so you can sit around blaming them and saying, you know, along must like being with this perverse generation, or whatever heck you want to say, or you can say how the hell am I going to live in this world without drinking and not blow my flipping brains? And you can, you'll give you hang around here long enough, you'll see that there are people here that have been rocket in the fourthmension of existence, that of lost fear. Of that I've been security and lost fear people. You See, there are people that are sober. You'll be sober and they'll be sober, but it would be like the difference between me playing golf and Tiger Woods. You know, I played golf tiger woods place, but that's a lie. I don't play golf. I have a golf clubs golf balls every once while I go out there. You know, Tiger Woods place got okay. You know. The bottom line is they're sober and there's so you know the guys are used to hang out with that love me and I love them. At thirty, forty, fifty years there were serious contempers they weren't a bunch of fifty year olds with the emotional maturity of fifteen. You know, when I was a child, I thought like a child, they acted like a child and I become a man at the childish things with you know. So the bottom line is this is all about growing up, growth and Maintenance and growth of the scriptual condition and becoming an adult, of growing the hell up. That's why in the six step says this is a step that separates the men from the boys. You know, separates the men from the boys. It is by sponsor. Sponsor a hundred count really, I don't know what they're men spots, hundreds of people in men's bodies that really act like I'm something private. He's, you know, and chasing women, chasing cars, chasing money, chasing all this shit they were chasing before they got here. Can help them and continue to chase it, getting divorce, never having a relationship, always thinking about themselves, like him, to crap out anybody else. I've done that deal myself personally, and that's that's a hard thing to ever, that's not as easy to you know, that's not as easy as alcohol. Alcohol is pretty easy. You may have to, you know, do the dance for a two or three or four or five or ten or twenty years. That's twenty. Get rid of an oral die drum for Israel, something like that. But after a while you just get sick and tired. He's drinking off. You'll have some really bad the wheels will fall off the bicycle, some real shit happen and then you'll wake up one day. You'll be two months ober and you'll realize you're crazy.

You have tenzero voices, all bad and all. It's tenzero thoughts coming at the same time, all bad shit about you and other people. You'll go to sleep thinking about that ass all. You'll wake up thinking about that ass all. You'll drive the work thing about it. Ass All. You'll be bordering people in your mind. You'll be saying things to yourself and outline like they don't know who they're fucking with. And why is this always happening to me? Life is shit and I'm having a bad here. How do you have a bad fucking year? You know what I mean? How do you have a bad year? You know, there's that like one right spot. You know, some bad comes up. He's I'm having I'm having a bad day, and he talked. I'm having a bad day. You have a bad days. It's yeah, I said, with this conversation be included in that. Still, this is okay. So you're not having a bad day. You would have you get a bad five minutes, two minutes ago, like an alcohol you like a drama Queen, anything that you know. How are you doing? I'm doing grave. He's so you want to get in your own way. They learn a lot of shit. You learn about a lot of stuff. So you know, I came in here. I didn't have a story. Nobody has a story. What's your story when you have no idea who you are, what you are, what's going on? My story was, it's not my fault, I'm not the brain. I don't understand coming. If only your yes butter, I had no clue as to who I was, what I was. I had it all wrong. I was selfish. I would self said no, I didn't know this shit, the Shit I'm saying to you. You know where I got this? Out of the big book about boxing on this. Some guys started this thing, wrote down some stuff. They've studied the Bible. They wrote that this thing. They got sober, they got well, they got excited. He said, what help they do? They write this down and Bam, all of a sudden they have this thing that describes exactly what my problem is, except that I don't think so. Yeah, hanging around for you know, three, four, five, ten years, you get you get a new perspective based upon repeat humiliations. The final question you selfsufficiency, as John Wayne, my spiritual mentors, always said. You know, you always says this. He says, you know, life is tough, and if you're stupid, it's even tougher. So You keep on doing the same shit over and over again. Sober, you get the shit beat out of you. The people hate you, you're worried about other people. You're going and you have it all sorts of problems. You've broke as you spend money. You don't have my shit. You don't need impress people. You don't like to try to make yourself feel better because you're nothing. You're always going to be in nothing. Put something. Your body coming almost almost. Are Not going to almost stop the world. It's trying to forgout. Okay, I'm sober, I'm not drinking. What that frick is wrong with them? What's wrong with me? Because you know you're you're better. You know, TIMES IN AA first ten years, twenty years, you know you feel better, you look better, you're having a better time, thrill, a victory that. But every once in a while, like four or five or ten times a week, you know, gathering up the shower and you're saying shit like pretend yourself you're leaving the showering. I'm never going to you look around the shower to see you what he'll say. That should do you're the only one there. This is what you tell yourself every other day. You're either telling yourself to the greatest thing in the world. I'd appreciate nobody on the stands. How one do you know you are? Or you're telling youself yours of shit and crazy and you got when you got those two voices going, you know, set some kind of emotional friction. You know, a nervous disposition. It's a nervous disposition that a couple shots of Scotch band and it just whoa comes together and you don't have that Shit, you know, but you're not drinking scotch. That is that doesn't work. So then you got to sort of live with it. Say, how do you live your likes? I said have a split person only. I said, I wish could get that to to I'm like all over the place. I'm like Sybil, you know, I got eighteen thousand things on. And so what Hell's wrong? It's called Alcohol Ism. That's what alcoholic ISM is. It's not the drinking as a METHOC. If you don't take care of the alcoholism, if you don't you know, it's not the cravy, it's not the craving the craving is to take the first drink and then you have another. Boks like potato chips. I've got I actually am a potato chip. Call it. It's hard to...

...tell that. Look at me, fatty arbuckles. Okay, that's how you can tell somebody sober for long period of time. They're you, you know, and all my mentors were you. You know. Yeah, give me another malt. You know it's a serious disease. I'M gonna explire. You aspired to that. So you be working on it. You know. This is by the way, this is my emotional support human. Let him see you. Let me say we got about as many people. He's my emotional support, dear. Okay, there you gonna I need all the help I can get on this. Okay, for those of you that thought this was going to be like a regular a meeting, I'm so sorry to this point you. Thank you very much. Okay, so this is the deal. So you know. So you realize after a while you're just and you know, unfortunately getting well in AA and hopefully, if you ever get to the point where you have emotional sobriety and the next frontier bill was billison said the real problem. Alcoholics has unhealthy dependencies. Hopefully only to get to that point I found to get to that Boma. I'm ten years sober. I'm saying to one of my mentors. I'm saying what the Hell is wrongly, I'm ten years sober. Bill Wilson wrote Bill Wilson, twenty three years sober. I have it on my email and I said that twenty three years sober, road as side the next month your emotional sobriety. He wrote it because he was going into a deep depression at twenty three years sober and if you read it saying he was basically saying, what freak is wrong with me? I'm an old time Er. I see other at Thomas. We're not drinking, we beat the drinking game, we're in the drinking club and we're freaking nuts, we're crazy. What's wrong? And he had to figure out at twenty three years sober. You got to him another bottom you'll find. You out to hit you have to. Here are many, many other bottoms waiting for you. Read the seventh stuff. They're all they're waiting for the bottom of the romance, the bottom of the set, the bottom of the money, the bottom of the why don't you love me the bottom with? There's so many bottoms in this deal, you know, and till you finally realize what you got it, they tell you nobody doesn't, nobody wants to do because because we're all half and it says half pleasures of Bella's nothing, but I'm a half pleasure kind of guy. It says God is everything. We're God is nothing. It's as well. What do you mean everything? I mean, I'm what's the cat crazy about this? You know, you got to get rid of your old ideas and result as deals. I mean, what do you know that? I mean, you know my old ideas are because they seem good to me and they're all fucking bullshit. You know what I mean? You allow do you learn about your old ideas as you go along in life? You know, and sometimes you get to like an epiphany. You got some sort of a piphany, you know, like you know, amazing thing that happens, and also you see something. But just like it says in appendants to most of our deals have to do with the most of our spirits awakenings is of the educational variety. The educate. You know what you want to read. You know what the education, because they've ever heard that? Is Anybody? Everything the appendix to listen everything I'm giving you here. I promise you did look it up. It's straight out of the big book of the Twelve and twelve. We've talked about the good old times. Now I can say a fast because I've gone to the point of my life and I'm not perfect. I'm snuts last last time. But but the problem is what you start living the a life and try to do this thing, even in a crappy way, over and over again and get beating down and beating down and beating down with the sponsorship and stuff that everything over here. To forty years, you either drink or die or blow your brains out or get with the program. Once you start getting with the program, you don't...

...you don't have to do the steps. You become the steps. You just do it. You don't, you don't sit around so at home. The third step, Oh, I think it's did for step. Oh Man, I was a twelve step. You know. You know these things that you so amazing. You're just living your life like the big book. So you can come up and you can talk about your life. It's right. It's all straight out of the book, because you've read it so many times, you've done it even beating. This is Amission, and that's the deal. But I don't think there's, if anything on that. I got people that come up to me. I felt do a talk and something. That's all. I loved it when you said this, you know, is so incredible. I said, you mean when I said selfish and selfcenting. This that's the real basis for a problem driven by a hundred forms of fear, self illusion, selfseeking. We step on toose of us in Italian seem me without provocation, but we see that basically, the problem has been in ourselves, that we can tend to make decisions based on self, which puts us a position. You heard. So it's alcohol and self will, and right do we use those the things? So, above everything, we must get here. That, that that selfish you must kills us. God makes about since you haven't you said that. You mean when I quote to the Big Book? Yeah, but it's it's like the way you say you know what I mean. Oh, you need because you read it a million times, but you never really sought it. He says, yeah, I got and now I see it. He's as. That's because one of the consequence of being an alcoholic is going to need a big book three hundred times and never really read what the fuck it says. It is actually possible for an alcohol to be told by a judge or by a wife or something. If you do that one more time, you come home to one one more time, I'm throwing you out of the house. And alcohol can actually drive three blocks away, because I've done this to a white and stop, sober and say this, what the helps you mean, because one of the consequence of being alcohol this pen you here see or told something that you don't like. It confuses. You don't know what I mean. Now you could be a brillion natural physicists. You cant have degrees up the ASS and somehow life is very confusing. When somebody tells you something that you don't want to hear, you know you start, you don't even hear it. You say who's this asshole? And I know as a matter fact, that's pretty much what you say to everybody. I used to be I was a card drinking. I used to send the bars and I watch some guy walk into the bar of my friends, goodlooking. You know what I mean. That should be one and you don't have it, you know, and that's that's that's if you're an alcohol that's how that's what you think. You see the world is a bunch of assholes that add things that you don't have and the only guy that doesn't happen. You know, you know when you live life that way, and that's your life, that's why you like just the world. And guess what, you think you're normal. Your alcoholic life seems the only normal one. You can't separate the trooper, but you don't even see the anything wrong. Not only that, you tend to hang around people that think of life the exact same way as you do. They're your buddies, they're the only people that understand you. That's why I hung around bombs. Are the only bars, the only people that understand me. And you know what's terrible? I still can't rid of you. Can't get rid of it. I'm still hanging around alcoholics. Just can't get rid of it. This is like, this is like are bought. The bars and our town are just like. It's like the waiting room for alcoholics, anonymous. You know, we just want to hang around there until we get to a a you know. So you come in, you don't know your story. So what happened? We're very well defended, right. You know you're not gonna tell me anything. You start talking to me about anything, you you try to help me. I'm saying you got your program. I got your thing about so many ways you are I am. I've got loophole, a haulic. I know the words. When I read the book, I look for every Blue Pole, every suggestion.

Half. Let me tell you something. The only thing I do in Aa is when I if I ever get serious and get a sponsor. He says make the freaking coffee, and I make the coffee. You know, you suggest I make the call off behind. Maybe you tell me to make the call. You tell me to go to that. You know I got a be I have that a my head to do stuff. That's kind of alcohols I have and I don't have a story. You know how I learned my story. You can't tell people who they are and what they are. What tell do you know? You don't know me. So what happens to you said in a room, you got a flank an alcohol sitting a room like this. Some guy's up here, like I'm up here. And he tells a story and you look at him as a man. That guy is freaking nuts. No, don't send. You said Shit, I was doing that last week. You know, that's how you learn about your story. You know you don't have your defence is not just liscase somebody else's story. Take Man Hum, I did that. I did that. Next thing, you know, you start thinking about your life and all send, you have a story. You have the stories about how you were before you were drinking. You got stories about what happened while you were drinking. And then every day, every single day, because you're a alcohol unfit for the planter, you got story. Even got story after story. At the story that happens to you, and they're all about victories over alcohol. They're all about I got into an accident, I was going to kill the guy. Babble lot of band you know then and you got a story, and some of the stories are pretty incredible. They're your story, you know, because we're just built that way. We're just insufficient, whatever it is. It's like, you know, I like some guy. I remember you said. I loved it so much. It was so true. It's like it's like we're all up in heaven. The little babies are. We're coming down this conveyor belt. You know what they here? They calmed down the Cavey a belt, all these little babies ready to go to Earth, and God's up there with a with a Spritzer, you know, and he's you know, baby sprints. He sprints in them with the insulation, you know, the babies swits and with the insulation to insulate from the Horse Shit that's going on. Done. You got, because you got it, because there's a have you? Have you seen what's going on out there? I mean incredible. Even if you don't see what's going on there, turn out the TV built such show you shit from a tenzero miles away. You know it. They'll tell you shit from the moon. You know, you got. It's brought right to you. See the shit that's going on out there, the crap how people that you know and you know what happens of the God says, switches you with the insulation. Good, so you can handle the fucking bullshit without blowing the brains out. You know what I mean. And so I'm coming down the Canaan Belt, you know what I mean, and somebody he's about the speriences Oh God, he says. Yeah, I go fucking right, boy, you know what I mean, and I don't get the insulation. You know what I mean, and I'm down here with you whack jobs, you know, and I'm gonna handle that deal when you're restless, herrible, discontented. My problem isn't drinking. I drank fine. My problem is, what do you do when you're sober? And I have a real prompt to no matter how much drink, I always get sober. It's like my kidneys are my enemy, my liver is killing me, keeps on sobering me up. I was doing okay when I was drunk. So what happens? So we don't have much. You know, my spoonts. You say, when a man with experience meets a man with money, the man with experience or walk away with the money. The man with the money will walk away for it with an experience. So the only thing I've gotten over forty years is only thing that's happened to me as I've been beaten down, you know, four times, Forty Times more than the guy who's got like thirty eight years. You know, I just been beating down more. I've made more screw ups. I've screwed up more. I've had to learn more or lessage, you know, the way we learn lessons over and over and over and over again. I've touched the stove ten million times. I maybe I shouldn't touch that, you know. And then I've learned and I've been beaten down and all that sort of stuff. And and that's the deal. And you either learn the lesson that you drink or you drug or whatever it is. That's the deal. That's how it works. So, but I have one thing. I got one thing. I got stories. I got forty. I'm seven two years old. I got seven two years of stories. I got stories...

...before the drinking, I got stories doing the drinking. I got so many stories after. I got stories I for God, and you know they're all about they're all about alcoholism. I know they're all about alcoholism because are all about me. I'M A fucking alcoholic. So I can't tell a story without talking about alcoholism. If I tell a story when I was drinking, for me, a story about Alcoholiman drinking. I tell a story before I can get it's still going to be about alcoholism. I tell a story about what happened to be there. My first year. So it's gonna be about alcoholism. I just tell the story. He was shit. He's talking about me and I'm not talking about talking about me. But the bottom line is that that old idea that I'm so unique that I can't even talk. And they mean, what do they think about me? Because all I do is think about me. I either all I do is I either think about me or tell myself how to give a shit with the thing about you know, I bounce back and forth sounding shink about me and then I think about what they're thinking about you know, and I do that deal for a while, which is always fun. Then you get to go to sleep and people in your head, renting rentine space in your head, and so one of the one of the things, so the only I've ever done. And they told me the only way to have a good a means be sincere. What you learn how to fake that. You got it made you know. And so what I try to do is I just try to I try to tell stories about my my alcoholism and what's going on. Oddly enough, I mean you'll find this hard to believe. If I tell a story about my if I tell a story, no matter what story I tell about myself, whether it's when I was drinking, or before I started drinking or after I stop drinking. Oddly enough, could you believe this? Whenever I tell a story about my life, it's a story about alcoholism, and maybe the circumstances be different from the always be somebody who says and I identify because I'm an alcoholic and I have alcoholism and my our alcoholism. One of the things that's great, as we're all like twins. I know we all think we're different, but this thing wouldn't work if we were difference. The only reason this thing works is because we've got the up in the room and I honestly tell a starry see, Holy Shit, that's me. I didn't even realize that that guy was talking. That's the reason it works, because I'm just you a few years down the road, getting pounded a few more times. You know what I mean. And so my stories are stories disclosed in a general way. What we like, what happened when we're like now? So the greatest thing we've been given as our stories. And let me tell you something. Our stories are well learned and it's all about life. How life treated us, what happened, how we were thinking and how we didn't drink, or maybe how we did drink, and about this disease and alcoholism, and somewhere down the road you get the realization that alcoholism, the real disease, does centering your mind, not your body, has to be in insane that's the growing up and you just got this. You may have to hang in here ten, fifteen years to see. You know, the first step again to have jail's knowing you're in jail in the first place really unuse. You know you're in jail. I spent many years drinking. Didn't even know I had a problem. Then all of a sudden, fam it's like a bright light, man, I got to stop drinking. You know, I'll do anything to stop drinking. So you get out of that alcoholic cage, that jail, and then you spend the next ten years realizing you got a woman or a man problem, or romance problem or sex problem or a money problem, or I got to have that thing problem or a world problem or all that crap, you know, and then it takes a long time to give it over. That because their addictions to because if I'm not using alcohol, I'm using the women. If I'm not using alcohol, I'm using what do you think about? If I'm not using alcohol, I'm using the cars, I'm using the Bar, I'm using, I'm using everything I can grab on her get or have. I'm a if only, or if I only had this, I only had that, I only had this and I grabbed this stuff because it works, because I want to walk to the ball with that goodlooking wand who's...

...like looking at me, you know, like Oh, I love this guy. I'm like drunk with wonderfulness. You know, I'm drunk with one of them, I think women. It probably goes with this anthy walking with a guy that I'm drunk with wonderful. All of a sudden I feel like I'm worthy, because I feel like I'm worthy, because I need a man or a woman to feel worthy, because deep down inside I am totally fucking unworthy. But I'm never going to show you that. I'm going to act like I'm worthy right to feel worthy. The last thing I wanted to feel unworthy. That's why I'm never going to do a meeting. They're gonna ask you doing me an honest. So I'm not ready. Alcohol code for I'm scared. They'll all think I'm stupid, because I know I'm stupid, and then they'll see I'm stupid and I ain't going to do that. That's the way we live our lives until they we've died, never really living, never really rocket in the fourth dimension existence, never really experienced much of heaven. And that's the true alcoholism and that's the sad thing. When you see guy was twenty three or twenty four or thirty years sober. It hasn't gotten over that Shit and things. He's doing okay. Well, I'm fine. How are you doing? How you doing about hanging there out and around here for thirty years? I could be fucking hanging in here, you know, hang it in hey. And so I got a story for you. I got a story. Tell story the test. Or maybe, maybe, well, it's about the story about ten step. They never happened. Or maybe it's a story about the ten step. That happened too. Well, and if it's a story about the ten step, then it's story, and it's also story that day is because it's a ten step. And then it's also story about the four steps. The ten step is continued to take person inventory and when we're wrong, probably a minute. So it's also story about that step. It's also a story about the eight step. It's also a story about that ninth step, and and then we you know, it's about all that stuff. So it's a story about the ten step, or maybe not. It's about a story about ten that they never happened, I think. I don't know. You're gonna be the judgment that you'll decide with the story is or it will be nothing to you. So eight years ago, I think it's about anything. I'm not sure the true story the best ones of the truth. You can make this shit up. You think I'm like a play right, let me try to figure out what story to tell. The great thing about this great thing about this disease, this is a long time the planet. You know what I mean, and you haven't had a lobotomy. You're going to be giving these stories all the time, you know, and you just just wake up and smell the roses were given. You're given all sorts of shit all the time. Just tell them a story about what's going on in your life. So I'm seventy two now. I've got married forty years, forty years when I's at all on the ladies perpetual revenge. So now a lot of times that when I'm wrong, should probably have been. So you know what I mean. And and I got like four kids that I raised sober and seven grandkids, all three or four golfs. I don't know what I got going self, supported to my own contributions most of the time. So here's the deal. So about eight years ago, I don't know how long old are. Sixty two six and seventy two, sixty four, okay, closer, forgot me. So my wife was like turnings and sixty. I got all these great kids. You know, I've grandkids. I got one grandkid named is one grant. I'll give you one grandkids story. This is Andrea quot as, a buddy. Well, they're all like teenagers, I don't know, but she's like four years old. Very to you know my wife. You know my wife is tough. You know, I mean, it's not all. I have three daughters and I got like five or something for randoor. So I'm like surrounded by all these women, you...

...know, and and and they're they you're great. But so one day I'm sending my Home Office wife of Kit and Andrea five years. What kind of fishing it. So what is? What kind of fish are you? So what kind of fishermize is? What kind of fishing you? I said, I don't know, Andrea, what kind of fishermize is? You're a selfish. My wife laughing. You know what I mean. I'm like the rocky danger filled. So that's a crap. That's how that's the stuff I'm living. You know. You know, you know the standard wife stuff. You've never changed. You know how to go that day and tell them what they're really like. I think they know, but you go ahead and tell him, you explain to you that kind of stuff. So so she's turning sixty. So I say to my wife, and it's very strange thing, but she's forty five. But I don't know how that work. But and I said, so what do you want to do? What do you want to do on your birthday? So I knew what she was going to say, because what we do all the time, not so much now because kids are all scattered, but says when I want to go out to dinner with all the kids, you know, get all kids, go out together, you know, kids, grandkids. So I knew that was going to happen. So I said, we'll pick a restaurant. If us she's peak, she pick some expensive French thing or something rest I'm like prepared for that, because the kind of stuff you got to do. You know, one of the reasons I stay married for forty years. Let me take the seekers very safe number one. Always say you're right, right, you're right. You know you are the worst husband. You you are the worst selfish husband in the world. I said right again, you have a chance at all. Hey, like twice. You'll never take out the guard. Hey, there are times a job, you know. You know I write four times. You know, just don't argue. And and and, if she says I need money, just give it to her. Give it to her, just give her the money. It doesn't matter if it's last time. Let's give it to her. You'll be happy if you just give her the money. You know what I mean? And that's and and and tried and develop the ability to not have any clue as to what's going on around you. Alcoholics are very, very alert to the way people look at them, the way they act and roll their eyes. Everything developed the a lot of people, like my wife, thinks Sili like. I have to mention young. Some she doesn't realize I the steps for forty years to get the points. So I happened. No clue is what's going on around. You know what I mean. No clue. You know she'd be saying you my sponsor's will say, did you know what you want to know? People come up to and say what do you think about this? I said, I don't you know, I don't know. It's that senility or just self protection? So she wants so I get together, we go to the we go to the we're going to go to dinner. So I got all my kids, my gray I got like my fourteen, fifteen people dinner. I know it's a bunch of money, you know what I mean, but it's okay. I got some plastic. They they gave it back to me after I lost all my plastic. I don't know how that happened. My sponsor, Wuence, told me. He said what you spend more money in the making God something called that. I didn't understand that. You know what I mean that I learned it around ten years and that's why, by the way, that's what he said. I said, I don't know about the money thing. He says ten years Sobie, since I got the answer you got aboutely, he said, I said, body said earn more or spend less. Let's do the third...

...option. You know what I meant to me, I was making a lot of money and I was always broke. Just apparently. You know, it has to not what you make, you spent. In any event. So the next thing happened. So she picks out this restaurant. They all could descended on the restaurant. I got my mx card. Okay, I think you know what I mean. And so I'm sending at the table and see's fourteen people and I'm looking at the and I'm here's what I'm doing. This will happen never. You haven't been in this situation. I'm capitulate. I don't look like I'm cathline. I look like I'm sober. This is a very this not say so, but I look like I'm sober because I'm not saying anything. I'm just sitting there. We leave it or not. When I'm with my wife and my family, I say you wouldn't recognize me. SNUST's been sending for to us. He has said thing. I don't say any thing. I'm on the load down you know, because I don't want to make my sense and target, because if I say anything, trust me, I'll be a racist whom phobic pay. You know I mean, they'll tack on Bill, attack me like front of a pitch. You know what I means. I say nothing, like I'm not even there, you know, because I know what I actually am for that group is the wallet. Understand. I just show up, you know, and that's the good. It's okay, I don't mind. It a big deal. So I'm sitting there at the restaurant and and I'm capitulate, you know, looking at the appetizers, you know, twenty five from I'm looking at the average, you know, forty for, you know, Fi, sixty person, preparing myself hell, prepared to spend. Of course, Andrea says is true. Mommy Tho, Mommy, can I have a shrimp cocktail? Twenty five ns? Oh, sure, how they GRANDPA will pay for it. No problems. Have Doors. Twenty five bucks comes in stakes, one by shoes. Oh, I hate that. Twenty five bucks down the drain. You know what I mean. It's like whatever, you know, but I mean the other. So this is my mind. That, whatever it is, was I like thirty years sober. Whatever I'm thinking about. Okay, let me get through this with the kids and everything and all that stuff. And we come to the end of the deal. You understand of it and I give the card and then I got to go through my mind. Have the thing going through my mind. I wonder if when Mercan Express guests, I'll say, you know, they're going to Sund I'm sorry, was declined. You know what I mean. But I get through that and so I'm driving home. I'M gonna go home with my wife and we're all splut up and my daughter Vanessa. I know you guys don't know van saw. I'm not going to explain it too much to you, but Vanessa is wonderful. She's well married a wonderful guy in the program, Armando, and she's absolutely wonder was you have three gorgeous kids, you know, special guy just especially gut real serious stuff the program and I told him it's kind of married Vanessa. I said, just make sure you got a lot of means, buddy. Yeah, ever, stop going to the meeting. Another day about Vanessa. Vanessa came home one day. He's like eighteen. I don't like twenty years eighteen nineteen years old on them into our house and she noticed somebody, a Robert, Robert man was was like breaking into the window and he saw her and he started running. She started running after him and she ran like like ten blocks that she tackled them. That's Vanessa and she looks like Erica. She looks like Erica. That's what I say. It's not like big, she looks like Erica. Tackle the guy in the police came, and so that's Vanessa. Yeah, I wouldn't. You don't want to mess me Erica Orban as you know. And so, at any event, so the bottom line is...

...is that we get to the end and Vanessa, Vanessa says drive me. For whatever reason, I was driving. It was my wife and me and Vanessa. Okay, and Vanessa's in the back seat. So one of the things that I might one of the things I was on a coffee a haul. I mean, I've thought shared with you with this, and I just love coffee, drink a lot of coffee, love and talk not to drink coffee. It helps me go to sleep. You know, I don't understand it. It's like riddling or something. You know. I just just like yeah, it's just like rittling. Okay. So I say that. I say, honey, you gotta, you gotta stop a publics because that we're out of coffe and and and I said. She says, okay, stop people getting caught me in the Nessa says to me, says dad, I'll get the book for you, since it said really, it's absolutely you. Just stop the car up running again, the book for you. That's I turned to her and I say it and I said so, Vanessa, I drink folders one hundred percent Columbian coffee. That's the coffee. It's like the black if you know, it's got like an Arrow to yell. It goes up. It's like it points that a black part of the chart. It's something strongest coffee they got. That's what I thank. Ok so I pull up the publics and she starts got a guyss. Now, Vanessa, remember it's the folders Columbian, says dad. Dad. I said what it says. I heard you the first time. Yes, me one much. I'm not getting crap for you. You know, you understand what I'm saying. Yeah, sure, problem hit me. So she goes in thirty seconds, ladies, she comes out with the public's bag. You know, when it was plastic bags here, you know it's thank you very much. So I drive her home, drop her off and I drive home. It's like ten o'clock at night, ten thirty Leven cop stock. Figure, maybe I'll make this up some coffee, you know what I mean, and I open up the coffee. Okay, it's like the morning. I don't know what they club the morning, blend bullshit. I mean, I'm telling you, and I like I'm thinking of my mind. You know, I take everybody out. I never say you know, I'm happy to do it. I spent like nine hundred fucking bucks on everybody. I'm not going to. I ain't even looking for that. Use that I'm saying. All I want. All I want is my flipping coffee and and I get the decapit. Not only that, would makes it even worse. It makes it worse is this is after she says this shit, to tell me one more time. I'm not stupid. You know what I mean. Something like what did she like doing on purpose? I mean, what is this shit? So I'm saying myself, have you ever seen the movie the Big Bibalski? I say to myself, this cannot stand you know? No, really, this is the universe. Is a Scou I'm not. I can't let her get away with this. She's thinking she's at home right now. I think she did me a favorite. After you tell me a shit, you know what I mean, and she got me the wrong freaking coffee. I have to tell me that shit about the bobby. This is not going to I'm going to call her up. It's eleven o'clock to night. I'm calling her up and I'm going to tell her that she got the wrong damn coffee. Understand. So what I'm going to do? So I start to go to call her up and that night, all of a sudden this stock comes. Obviously you know I called them. Here's what's going to happen. She's not going to hear it. All that she's going to hear me say is I'm your father and I think you're using and women should never have a man tell him they're losing,...

...and certainly daughters should never have their father tell they're losing. They should be lifted up. So I don't make the phone. I don't make the phone. Phone, I forgot about the home. Let's end the phone, and and so and here's the deal and says to yes, what's yea? And so that was an amends I didn't have to make. And I know guys in a hey that haven't spoken to their kids in ten fuckings. Well, they made the damn phone. Now is that a tense step? Before you answer them? If you read the test, that says I remember I had thirty two years. It says if we do this over and over again, says what happened is we learned something called the strength of tongue and path, because somewhere during the exercise of doing the ten step, making amends and doing the ten step and making amends and doing the ten step and having all these people you had to make the mends, you ultimately got the point. You say, I hate this, making a menion. You know this driving nuts and you learned this really important lesson that most alcoholics don't learn. It takes years to learn this. This is advanced a a. You know that if you don't do stupid Shit, you don't have to apologize for that fucking amazing. It's like if you don't spend the money, you don't go bro, if you don't say stupid shit, it's like it's back to John Wayne. Life is tough and if you stupid, it's even tougher. And so from working this ten step for, you know, thirty years, I don't know what happened. I just didn't make the phone call. So either that is the ten step or it's a ten step that never happened to make. Maybe I don't know. It's not the ten step. I don't know what it is. But I'll tell you what makes life a lot ease. Now. I will tell you this totally honestly. I've told that story before and conventions. Vaness got hold up one of the tapes, but it wasn't. It wasn't so bad. She only didn't talk to me. So so, ultimately the way God worked and she did hear it. You know what I mean. But it's like three years down the road and she only didn't talk to me for four days. You know, it wasn't it was I can handle it. It wasn't so bad. You understand. So thank you very much.

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