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AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 4 months ago

Russell S. Talk 4 at the Sabal Palm Group 9/1/2021

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Russell S. Talk 4 at the Sabal Palm Group, Miami, FL 9/1/2021  

My name is Russell, I'm spats, I an alcohol and I've been sober for a while and I think Iwent through that deal. So I want to talk a little bit about I'mgoing to do steps one through twelve today, sort of kind of. Yes,it's going to happen now, here's a deal. This is not basedon my experience. Seventy two years old, married forty years, raised four kids, for kids, for kids, yeah, for that's something, Ithink. Seven grand kids self sputing your own contributions, married to some beautifulgallon Nolan on. Our ladies are perpetual revenge. It does a great aunton ten step. When I'm wrong, she probably admits it. And andso I've been through. You know this repeated. You know how it saysthe way we get a new perspective is by repeated humiliations, the final questionfor our self sufficiency. The more time you stay sober and a more humiliations. Hey, let me tell you some I'm just to tell you this isgoing to be my experience, my strength and home, not yours. Isay something to Piss you off, just remember whenever you disturbed them out withthe cause, there's something wrong with you. You got to check that out.I'm just going to tell about my deal. No use getting pissed offabout it, because I'll probably whatever I say. I say something stupid,which you'll often do, I'll probably change my mind on the way homes.And why did I say that? You know. So I'll be bothered byanything. So I'm just going to talk about my experience on this deal andI'm only here for six weeks. I think is the fourth week, numberfour. I'm not sure, four or five. So what I'm doing?I'm going to do all twelve steps and forty minutes of whatever we had righthere. Now. You may not see all twelve steps because I'm not Ican spoon feed you that. I can't do that for you. I whatI'll do. I'm telling you all twelve steps are going to be in thisdeal. Every single one of them is going to be in this deal.Some of you guys going I said, I so the third step, something'sgoing to eye. So the ten step, and I saw them, six toseventh step and everything like that. You're going to see whatever you need. Or maybe you won't see any of the steps, maybe you won't getanything out of it, but I know the steps are in it, becauseit has to do with my life, it has to my sober life.I'm not going to talk about drinking. Drinking is just a simple of diseaseand it's the easiest thing in the world to get over. It's the easiestthing in the world you'll ever get over. You will get to the point whereyou'll either die, go to jail or you'll crawl in here and you'lldo anything, if you may have fifteen thou tymps. You will do anythingto stay sober and you will stop drinking. Some of we, some of you, will start drinking again even after ten or twenty years, but thatwon't because you have a drinking problem. That's because you have a thinking problem. You haven't done anything about dealing with the consequences of being an alcoholic.So I'm not going to talk about drinking. Because you're coming here. We havewe have two rules in alcoholics anonymous. First rule is you got to drinktogether. Here throw number one. Second rule, once you get here, he's supposed to stop. It's like a rule. It's an unwritten rule. Supposed to stop and will. You can always come back in, we'lllove you and you can come on him, but it's good idea just to stoponce you get here. And so I'm not to talk about drinking.I'm going to talk about sobriety, I'm going to talk about emotional sobriety,I'm going to talk about the next frontier, I'm going to talk about unhealthy dependenciesand I'm going to talk about a profound personality change that's in the bigbook of Alcoholics. Anonymous. It's all about this program and I'm going totry to connect to you, if I possibly can, the connection between thesteps, which are basically the tools of a a it's like you're building ahouse. So a lot of people like worship the tools. Like one ofthe tools is the fourth step. There's another tool, the fifth step.They're all exercise, spiritual exercises, and let the tool is like the seventhstep, the third step, Polson, if you build them properly, you'regoing to build a house, a beautiful, incredible mansion. It's going to beunbelievable. And there's a lot of people that never get to the mansion. They never build a house. All they do is sit around words.They worship the tools, they worship the fourth step. Oh I'm going toreally do it, I'm going to real do a real good for step,a real good seventh step, a real good tense step, and somehow theynever quite get it. We can see the forest for the for the trees. Now, quite frankly, I have a tendency after forty years of doingthis thing look, as I said, the way we get a new perspective, and I know this is true because I've been through it. I have. My first sponse used to tell me when a man with experience meets someman with money, the man with experience and walk away with the money andthe man with the money will walk away with an experience. And I'll tellI may not be the bride's guy in the world, but I've had fortyyears of dealing with a fucking bullshit. I've got forty years of being inthe real world dealing with real will world problems, real world people dealing withcancer and foreclosures and money problems, and while raising kids and grandkids and doingstuff, and I know it's like to wake up at three o'clock morning becauseyou have no money in the bank and got three months behind in the borgageand you're an attorney and you're making a lot of money but just spending moremoney than you make, which apparently I learned have ten years. When youdo that, you're going something called that. I didn't know that because I wasalways spending money. I didn't have the by Shit, I didn't needto impress people I didn't like, and...

...it was almost compulsively. I don'teven know. How did I get in this jam? I made an xamount of money. Like, how did I get in this jam? Ivolunteered to be in the jam because what I learned is that the drinking isbut a symptom of my disease. The real disease centers in my mind,not my body. I don't need alcohol to be an asshole. I don'tneed an alcohol to make horrible decisions, hurt people, are anything like that. The only thing alcohol ever did for me is allowed me to live withmy sorry as self while I was doing it. Because I drank alcohol becausethe bottom line is, nothing in my life work faster to make me feellike I was a decent human being and that I was all together and Iwas wonderful. Nothing work faster than just a few drinks. And so Idrank it and if it did for you what it did for me, youdrink it too, and look that story. My story is one day alcohol stoppedworking for me and so I don't drink it anymore. But the sadnews about my stories and stop work for me about ten years before I realizedit stopping with for me, and I heard a whole lot of people.All the fears, all the emotions, all the all the lust for thethings of this world, all the dependencies on everything that's around me, allmy constant awareness of all the fucking bullshit, and everybody screwed me over. Allmy they don't know who they're dealing with. All my I can't believethis is happening in me again. All My self pity, all the amillion reasons why I should be pissed off and I'd write the blame people becausethings I'm not getting my own way. All that crap happened to me whenI was ten years old, when I was fifteen, years long before Istarted drinking. I've never had any new emotions ever in my life. Inever got sober and also, well, that's in new emotion. Never gotangry before. That's a new emotion. I never was greedy before. That'snew emotion. I never felt sorry for Myself For oh man, I'll tellI never lust it after women before. I had that shit going on beforeI started drinking. I had it going on during the drinking and I hadit really going on, really going on after I stopped drinking. One dayI woke up three or four months ober and I had a drink and I'vebeen feeling real good about that. And it was three o'clock in the morning. I was worried about something and I realized that there was something wrong,I was crazy, and that's when I start realizeeing, that the first stepand getting out of jail is knowing you're in general the first place. Tookme thirty one years to realize I was in an alcoholic jail and then Ispent the next forty years to see a whole bunch of other jails up.Is it because no, alcohol is not the only thing that made me feelbetter about myself when, deep down inside, it felt like a worthless piece ofcrap? I know I must have felt like worthless piece of crap nowlooking back on it, because I be in the shower leather not but threeyears sober and all of a sudden I hear a voice of the voice.So you're a piece of Shit, you go to kill yourself. The story. You're sober and I'm sort of the program about whol Sunde. I turnaround the shower. Who the hell's in the shower? Tell me I'm apiece of shit and there was nobody there except for me. Sometimes I'm drivingin a car and all of a sudden I tell myself on ass all,kill myself. I'm never gonna be okay. I just that's why they put thebook. Do not be discouraged, you know, because o't. that'sthat. You know what that is? That self talk. That's what alcoholicssay themselves, because that's an alcoholics reputation with themselves about whom they are.It doesn't matter what. I put myself out there. I know I'm worthless, I know I'm unworthy. I know that I got to have to buythis or get that or do this or whatever it is to make myself okayand acceptable, because I am so I'm going to accept. I hope tohell you never know who I really am, because I know who I really amand I'm a piece of crap and my thoughts are bad thoughts about myselfand other people. So I only have the TV on or the radio oneor something going on, because I can't stand silence and to be alone withmy thoughts, because they are bad thoughts about myself and other people. Andthat's the deal. Something and that's the deal. And so that's the alcoholismI suffer from, the disease where I tell myself I don't give a shitwhat other people think about me and all I do is think about what otherpeople think about me. There's people don't really people really don't care what otherpeople think about him. Don't ever say I don't care what other people thinkabout they just be themselves. I couldn't be myself and I don't even knowwho I was. So I'm going to talk about a little bit about thesethe profound personality change that happened to me and what all these steps have todo with that. And if I'm going to and I'm ultimately hopefully going toget to the part where I kind of explain, or becomes obvious to somebody, not everybody, that the remarkable change that will happen in your life overpeeredof twenty, I'll let me read this pendix number two in the book aucoholicsanonymous. In the first few chapters a number of sudden, revolutionary changes weredescribed, though it was not our intention to create an impression, many alcoholicshave nevertheless concluded that in order to recover, they must acquire an immediate and overwhelmingGod consciousness, followed at once by...

...a vast change in feeling, anoutbum. I've had epiphanies. December twenty two, one thousand nine hundred andeighty, at three o'clock the morning, I thought my life is over.I was thirty one years old. I got down on my knees and Iasked the Lord to come to my life. I asked Jesus come my life.I said, you know, somebody came out TV. I said Iwas all on. I thought my life was over. I was without hope. I'd fallen off a clip of May not be a big deal to you, but for a Jewish gift from New York was a big deal. Ican tell you that what I picked that I had picked up my white ship. I think I had almost the spiritual experience. So I've had those kindof I've had experiences of my life that I would seem spiritual experiences. Butthen it goes on to say this among our rapidly growing membership of thousands ofalcoholics, such transformations, although frequent, are by no means the rule.Most of our experiences are what the psychologist William James Calls the educational variety.Because now this is why they call the educational variety. I'm sure you guysto bring this out, but I thought, you know what I thought first whenI first heard about the educational probety, I thought, what, well,it's going to a lot of step means, it's learning from your sponsora lot of stuff. It's doing the steps. It's like an educational sortof thing. It's like going to beans like this where somebody has bunch oftime is talking. You can educate, you hear something that you know.It's listening to people's stories, a good a, a talk or something likethat. The educational varieties. And the more I thought about it, themore I realized that, although all that is true, because I'm a bigproponent of education, believe I've been educated far beyond my capacity understand everything.Even when I was the most educated guy in the world, with doctorates andall sorts of stuff. I graduate from alns and mathematics, gone for aPhD and Algebrake Topology, became a lawyer and all when I was most educatedguy in the world. That was the big as asshole. And not onlywas an asshole and I hurt people and I drank. Not only was thattrue, but I thought I was perfectly okay. So the bottom line isyou can be a smart idiot, John Wayne's quote, life is tough andif you're stupid it's even tougher. And I had a tough life. Thatninety percent of the repeas of my life was stuff was because my own actionsand my own brain. I could be sitting with all the money in theworld, with everything in the world, and I can screw it up justwith my thinking, you know, feeling sorry for myself and all the craftgoing on in my mind because I'm an alcoholic. So at first I thoughtthe educational variety. At the Word Education, I think of college, I thinka metis like this and although to a certain extent it's true, allthe education in the smart stuff of the world didn't didn't stop me from beingselfish. Then stop me from being self centered. I know the book,aaggs and the A book says. It says selfishness. Selfcenter is driven bythat, we think, is the root of our problem, Drim by ahundred forms. Here pollution and selfseeking. We step on the toes of mothersand they retaliate, seemed without provocation, but we learned that we've made thedecisions based upon self wish puts us in position be heard. So an alcoholicis self will run riot or usually asn't think so. Above everything, youmust get through the selfishness, and I think selfishness is a word that coversa lot of territory. It covers words like lust. That has covers wordslike read it covers words, it covers all sorts of stuff like arrogance.You know, it's just one word that covers a lot of stuff in mylife. I know for me, this is just for me, and thisis what it says of book. Above everything, you must get rid ofour selfish that's we must start. Tells us God makes that possible. Andright after that, the next page it says, once we make this decisionfor God, we alterimate. We are to lead the band, abandon ourselvesto God. I'm not talking about what they tell you in the rooms ofalcoholics anonymously. They tell you the God thing is bad or don't think aboutGod, thing of God, think you'll chase away a newcomer. I'm nottalking about what happens in you know the same exactly. Well, people's anonymous. Have you noticed that this isn't thank God we have a big book.If we didn't have a big book with all these sayings about God and allthe stuff they're saying you have to do, if we was just one by anAA committee, well, we wouldn't be around, really, we reallywouldn't we. So we all fall social. We all so much do not wantto do this stuff or really want to do it. We all somuch want to run away from we all want to so much water this shitdown so that it's a sort of like a form of religion without any power, a form of a without power. Bill Wilson, let me tell youwhere God is. You understand them.

Came from Bill Wilson in his story. Says I hated the idea of God. I hated the idea. A lotof people hate the idea of God. They say things in a means likewell, they were talking about God when I came here, I wouldhave left. You know, I thank God. You know religion. Ihate the Catholic Church. I have this, I have you. I'm spiritual,not religious. Let me tell you something. The most selfrighteous people I'veever come across are in alcoholics, anonymous, most self righteous people that think theirshit doesn't stink. Has Been at alcoholics, anonymous that claimed to bespiritual, not religion, like they're just somehow better, more intelligent, morespiritually a Tumbe and people that go to church or study the Bible. Ithink. I mean these are realason like. I mean Mother Teresa Screw Hi.I mean these are like the real champions. You know what I mean, people who are alcoholics. Let me tell you something. I'm not spiritual. I want to evil, some of a bitch. I've done enough foursteps, done enough FIS steps. I've watched my life. I know,I heard, I know how what I do. I know, as Ileave a a and left my own devices, exactly what kind of person I think. I don't I I just I've never been able to be strict.I'm a material man. That's what Bill Wilson said. Worldly clamors, unhealthydependencies. I am a guy. Let me tell you something. I don'tneed a higher power. I really don't need a higher power. I reallyhigher powers kill me, that redhead over their higher power. Who on thehigher power? I'll sell my soul for that higher power. New Car,higher power, new job, higher power, million dollars in the bank higher power, Playboy magazine higher power. Everything in this freaking world higher power.Everything I've ever complained about in alcoholics nonyms, in any meeting, is about ahigher power. It's about not hiding the haven the higher power or whydon't I have the higher power? It's about that. I don't complain aboutGod, I don't compare about the spiritual things. I complain about not havingthis. I complain about the stuff they told about the big buck. Theysay money, property and Romance. I complain about lack of romance, lackof sex, lack of money. Like a Pressy, I complained about thingsof this world. I come in here and I stopped drinking. Let metell you something. I need alcohol to be drunk. Look goodlooking, bonblond. I walk into a bar, they're all looking at me. I'mdropped this shit brand new Ferrari. I'm driving down the street. I'm likea drunk man. A lot of money the bank. I'm a drunk.The things of this world get me drunk and give me pleasure and as soonas I leave but lose them, I say I'm a piece of shit outof killing myself. Carmentager said men and women. I'm alcoholics are men andwomen. We're out to destroy themselves. I understand and list until notcohol acceptshis alcoholism roll its consequences. Is Brit to be Paris of true happiness?Will find none at all. You know, there's so many people that are sonot selful where of how full of Shit they are, including me,the number one full of Shit Guy. But I've learned a little. Andso it says right here. Though it is not our intention to grate animpression upon alcoholics, have nevertheless concluded that in order to recover, it's gotto be a Maye. But it says here among our rapidly growing membership ofthousand about Palls, the transformations so frequent are by no means the rule.Most of our experients are what we call by the Psychology William Jens, calledthe educational briety, because they develop over a period of time period of time. So Bill Wilson says, I hate God. I hate the idea ofGod. I couldn't stand the idea of a personal God. To me,I couldn't stand it. I get people talking about a person got to meand I wasn't going to buy any of it. That's what he says whenhe first walked in. So a guy says to him. He says,okay, well, if you can handle that, how about making up YourOwn God? Wilson says, I like that and he grabs onto that comesto and that's not a bad thing because that's what we need to come inhere. But I want you to understand something. That's what Bill Wilson that'swhat had to in order to get Wilson in the doors to listen. Theysaid, okay, don't do it, just baking until you make it.That was his compromise. That's our compromise. He's like a spiritual kindergarten, butsome of US want to go to high school. Supposed to grow.It's growth and maintenance of spiritual condition. So in any event, so here'sthe deal. Here's what I've discovered. Is the real educational variety over aperiod of time in the twelve and twelve. It says the following. I've saidit before, I'll say it again. The way we get a new perspectiveis by repeated humiliations, the final crushing of our selfsufficiency. Okay,there ain't nothing like being getting the shit knocked out of yourself over period offorty years every which way to really drive in these principles. It's one thingto listen to a good a me.

It's one thing to have a goodsponsor. It's one thing to read the big book about wholsom us an honestit's a, it's a, it's A. It's a completely other thing to loseyour house and forth closure to learn a lot of really great stuff.I'll tell you, the big book comes alive when they tell you got cancer. The big book. You'd be surprised how much shit you will learn inthe book alcoholics anonymous and about this program when you get the Vod when youget served with divorce papers or when you go to jail. There's nothing likethe crushing to really drive and you want to know what the great thing isabout this deal. If you don't do it right, and nobody does.I didn't. If you don't do it right, the pain continues. Thatpain. How do you like that? The pain continues. You know,it's like it says in the book. That says we learned the value ofsuffering. How do you like? Hey, this is a great thing you guyssigned up for. You know, we learned the value of suffering.It's like when the guy bounced the check off and bounce the check and causeme to bounce a bunch of checks and and that. I told everybody inthe room and everybody in the world about the sun bitch bounce a check.I couldn't get it out. was I couldn't believe he bounced the check onme. I couldn't believe he did that. That's five undred dollar check three days. I'm talking about this asshole. Bounce the check, bounce the check, bounce the check, bounce the Jack Man just painful. Want to killhim. Bounce the check. Couldn't have a all I could do. Everytime go to sleep thinking that him. Will wake up thinking of that.That's how I finally tell my sponsor and he says, he says, well, how would you feel if it didn't bother? I said, I don'tunderstand the question. He said, how would you feel if it didn't botheryou? I said, I'm I'm n see what to talk about. Itsays, well, how would you feel it didn't body? I said whathe mean? How would I feel if it didn't bother me? How wouldyou feel if it didn't bothery? I mean, how would I feel ifit didn't bought didn't. How would I feel it didn't bother me? Likehe that he bounced the five hundred dollar check. He said, yeah,how would you feel it didn't bother you? So well, if it didn't,well, it didn't bother me, I'd feel fine. He said,there you go and walked away. You know what I learned. You knowwhat I learned. You know what I've learned over forty years. If itdoesn't bother you, it doesn't bother you. You know. You know why I'mnot divorced. Doesn't because of botherming. You know why I can talk likethis today meeting, say all sorts of crazy shit and not worry ifsomebody doesn't like me. What doesn't bother me. You know what life islike. Of things don't bother you. It's like a new freedom, it'slike a new happiness. It's like being rocking in the fourth dimensionistance you guysstill bother to mention. Now, listen, I don't want to say I neverget bothered. Man, God will lay something on me. You know, I took a bumping this differently get being bothered for five minutes a weekand being bothered all the fucking time. There is a big difference between havinga miserable sobriety, unhappy sobriety, and I'm walking around with things that.There's a big, big difference. You know, losing fear of economic insecurity. Does that mean I have a lot of money in backs? No,but I'm not worried about losing fear of people. You know, sometimes alot of not having. Sometimes nine percent of time when I would worry aboutlosing a car or losing something because I didn't have a money or something likethat. Behind all that was what will they think? What will they thinkof them? I'm not driving a mercedies. What were they think of I'm notby driving. It was all fear of people. I'm supposed to beor show a certain way and stuff like that. What do they think ifI make a miss? What like it? You want to share the mean I'mnot ready. Oh, you're scared. No, I'm not scared, I'mjust not ready. No, you're scared. What are you scared of? Well, I mean, what if I screw up and everything I say? So what if you screw up? What if that didn't bother you?You know, wouldn't it be great to live a life that things didn't botherhow wouldn't that be? But how would that be thinking how many times youbothered by anything? I used to drive my car and kill a million peoplebefore I got to the office and cut in front of me. They dothis stuff, so I'm going to tell you to. So here's the deal. So Dr Young, Dr Young says to Roland Hazard who's he treats for. He's in the book. I'm I'm gonna assume you guys read the book. I shouldn't assume that, but if you haven't been it's your bad luck, as you won't understand what I'm saying. But so Roland Hazard puts himself onthe Tul edge of Doctor Young, the greatest psychiatrist the world at thattime, in order to stop drinking. Very wealthy guy from New England goesover there, rolland hazard. He's like...

...four months, five months, sixmonths, like a big treatment center kind of thing, with a great psychiatristand everything like that. After six months, or five months, whatever it is, they had him locked up. He didn't drink. So he saysto himself, this is in the book. He says himself, now, knowingthe end of workings of my mind, drinking is impossible because now I knowhow my mind works, because I'm intelligent, because I got all thedegrees, because I haven't a drink it six months. Next line in thebig book. Nevertheless, he was drunk with an a few weeks. Sohe goes back to Dr Young. This is in our book. It's confidenceapproved, Dr Young said, and he says, Dr Young, he says, what's the deal? I was here for six so my blah, blah, blah. What's going? Is there any hope? Would and he,Dr Young, says this. He says you have the mind of chronic alcoholic. This is alcoholics anonyms. This is a close meeting. This man couldn'tstop drinking and even when he stopped drinking, he couldn't stop drinking. Otherwise,this isn't one of these things. This isn't one of these things whereyou take your first you know whole thing. First drink gets you drunk. Thefirst drink gets you drunk. Why? Because the craving, because the biology, because the bay. This is not the first drink get you drunk. This is you haven't even had the first drink. Why'd you pick upthe first drink after six months? Guy Has ten years in alcoholics. Anonymous. Twenty years in alcoholics, anonymous. This isn't the first drink get youdrunk. This is why the Hell would somebody with twenty years pick up thefirst drink? Because he's insane, because we are insane, because the secondstep says it says believe that a higher power will restore us to sanity,because you're insane and the insane part doesn't necessarily totally go away. And ifit does go away and you have a com personality change, it goes awaybecause of that's true. But how do we get to the God thing?Through wonderful, wonderful and wonderful edutainment, sational experience. Don't forget the educationalexperiences that I don't want you guys to miss this. I don't want youto miss the pounding. I don't want you to miss going through the acar wash, all dirty at one end. Go through the car wash five thousandguys with giant fucking mallets beating the living shit out of you at everyturn. Round the Kamor Belt, you having the Shit beat out of youby life. My people that are you're not getting your own way. Youknow, wife doesn't treating your wife uses and treeing your right, pandemic isn'tgreen your right. The whole world a fucking go to pieces, and youjust hang on to that camer belt and focus on God and by the timeyou get to the end, you get about forty years. feels like aSwedish massage. You know what I mean? That's matter. It's sort of likea situation comedy, you know. It's like, was that Steinberg's finesign? Fits like the Steinfeld show sign? You know side felt whatever it whoknows? You know. And you say, man, I'm going totry that shit again, I'm gonna go through that Riet again and all singyou're saying to people. I said, well, what if it didn't botheryou? And they say, I said the one guy. I said,what was it? Real Tief? I said I was ten years sober.I said what am I going to have? I said one am I gonna havefinancial looks hearings for ten years. I speak all sponsor everything that movesyou. Mavis, I was. I was eight years on Real Ay anda group back the chairman for two years. I'm doing every everything in this thingand I'm broke again. You know, what is that? What am Igoing to have? I thought I'd be a multiicaziliare by this time.He says, he says, what are you talking about? I said it. Then the promises, the promises. I cannot fear Bele economic in sturitywill leave you. Will leave you. What am I going to make themoney? What's the money going to come? I mean the same thing is great, but we all know that everything would be solid if I only hada million dollars. Okay, I we all know spiritual thing is good andthat would be deal. What I you said. What are you talking Isaid, I'm talking about the promises. Fear of economic in sturity will leaveyou. He says, he says, he says. It doesn't say whatyou think it says. I said, I I am I read it allthe time. What is that going to happen to me ten years he says, Russ what are you talking I said it's in the by said it's notin the book. I said it's in the book. He said, readit to me. I opened it up, I read and he says fear ofpeople and of economic and security will leave you. Since that's right.That's right. The fear will leave you, but you will always be broke.It just won't bother you. Well, thanks for thanks for let me knowthat. So, Carl Young. So Carl Young says to a Rollandhas it when he says. He says you have the mind of chronic couple. I've never been able to be successful with that state of mind. Consistentand when he was there, no hope. He says here and there, oncein a while, here and there, once in a while, here andthere, once in a while,...

...not all the time. In alcoholics. You want to know something, it's here in there, once in awhile. There's a sixth step that separates the MEM from voice. That's quitea separation. You know, there used to be a statistic. got overthe true or not, but it seems to be true for me. says. It says only one half of one percent of the people that come inhere stay sober for twenty years and I know a lot of guys that haveover twenty years that are miserable, but they don't even know their miserable becausethey're not being rocked in the fourth dimension existence. They're not experience a lifeof joy. They got twenty years. They don't act out, they don'tthat crazy. But you want something not happy, you not enthusiastics. Youknow what I mean. You know to watch out for. You want tofind one of them guys. So, in any event, so he says, he says, he says the well, what's the deal? He says it'sa God, that it's a phenomena. It says ideas, emotions and attitudesthat are the drive. This is this is how we describes in scientificterms, of psychological terms, the educational variety. What happens to somebody whenthey change, that psychic change. It says ideas, emotions and attitudes thatare the guiding force, or a propholster driving force of these men's lives areshifted to one side and they become dominated by whole new set of ideas,emotions and attitudes dominated their whole life and vision changes. I've been trying todo that with you by never been able to do with some buddy has theWHO's a chronic gout balked and he says, how does that have many sins?It's a phenomena. It's up phenomenal means. They Kenny. It's amiracle. We can explain it just happens. I don't know how it happens.You know, I'm a lounge list. Every Friday night, every Saturday night, every Wednesday night, every lady's night, I'm out there look atthe nail something because I wanted what she had and I was going to goto any length to get it. I mean out there. You know whatI mean. I'm going, I'm charging, I'm going, I'm going to dowhatever I got to do, because if I had her and she lovedme and I got that and I had that dad, then I would besomething instead of a nothing, which is what I always was. I wasa nothing. I didn't have her, I was a nothing. I didn'thave it. I was in nothing. I've been in nothing all my life. I used to put some of my body called Scotch and termiens. Whenalmost, when you're nothing, almost the top of the world. You knowwhat I mean, and that's the deal. And so here I am and that'swhat I'm trying it. So how does that happen? How does thathappen that it's a Saturday night and I'm seven years sober and I take anew guy to an AA meeting and then we go to Denny's and we're drinkingcoffee at ten o'clock at night and I say, so, what do youthink about the meeting? And he says, well, it was good, itwas good visas, but what do you guys do for fun? AndI don't know how to tell them that I'm having a great time. Hell, is that shit going on? How does that happen? It happens becauseof these steps. So I got a fifteen minutes, you know whatever,twenty minutes. So I'm tell you two stories. I'm gonna tell you too, and here's the deal. Here's what the steps do, but the stepsultimately do. So I'm going to give you the the end before I giveyou the stories. This story, the end of the cell. Here's whatthe steps do, but the stories are. What our stories are? Is therestories of victory, their stories of I was blind, but now Isee. I was crippled, but now I walk. I was a jerkand now I'm doing this deal. You know, there's stories of where youlook at somebody you say, did you hear that guy? Where did thatcome? Their stories we you say, man, I wish I could dothat. I wish I could be like that. There's stories about Al Kennedywhen he's speaking in a meeting and the guy is unbelievable. I said,man, I'd like to get to know that guy in my sponsor says he'sdying. I said, we don't mean these dying Stegn of cancer. Isaid, but he was a a me. He'SAS got six months to live.I don't love the days speaking. Said, man, how do youdo that? Shit? I how to stop drinking. How do you dobe not worried about dying shit? WHOA, if I get that down, it'snot possible. I saw it in front of me. This wasn't bullshit. There's a guy in six US later he was dead. So so whenI was. And that's the deal. What happens is somehow, some way, the whole thing is about getting a relationship. This is what it says. Let me tell you something says it all. Over the book in adifferent ways. I'll give you one section where it says that exact says.How do we get rocking in the fourth dimension of existence? How do weexperience much for heaven says, the great fact is this and nothing less,says. The great fact is this and nothing less. That means the greatfact is this and nothing less. See, I need the higher I don't needthose higher powers that can't be drunk, that are all over me, nomatter how many needs to go to. I need the one who has allpower. Is One that are all power? I got to find out, because the one that has all power will wipe out the other higher powersin my life. So I won't be looking at that redhead, I canstay married for years, wipe up and...

...all that other shit. You knowwhat I mean. But I have this thing called alcoholism, and what myalcoholism tells me to do is don't go there, don't open that door,don't give yourself a don't utterly abandon yourself. My alcoholism tells me not to doit, you know, and I hang around with people in Aa thattell me don't do that, don't talk about that, or I won't likeyou. And I'm not only an alcohol coma. Please love me. Allof you know that's one of that's one of the world be climbers. That'sone of the dependencies I have. I am dependent on myself. Is Okay. If you see, I'm okay. My whole life and who by visionmyself depends on what you think about me. That's a sorry ass way to looklife. That's a piece of shit way to live life. Let metell you something. If you don't have any more sending stable in your lifeand what a bunch of alcoholics, think about it. I feel sorry forhow you know I'd like doing Bob Smith said. If you're if you havesome sort of intellectual private keeps you from this, I feel sorry for you. You heavenly father, and never let you down. I'll tell you.The founders didn't think that way, but Bill Wilson saying alcoholics, Awm,some of three. The Lord has been so wonderful of me for me asterrible seas. I got to keep talking about and telling other people. Butthe problem is the people in they don't want to hear that Shit, andit's all in the big book because they live in a world alcoholics that don'twant to hear it, just like Bill Wilson. Don't want to hear it. At first. They say things like well, fire that Shit. Iwould have walked out of all it's sort of crap. You know so so, and that's what all the stuffs are of that it's all about letting thepower of God, because, listen to me, this is novel. Thisis advanced a a. This is totally advanced, a a, totally advancedyou. You're powerless. Your powerless. You have no power to change.I used to say to myself, I'm not going to drink it. Thenthe drunk I'm not going to drink that. I got drunk. The one thingyou learn here is your powerless over alcohol. Then if you come inhere, if you get pounded enough, you learn your powerless over money,your powers over cancer, your powers over the people dying, your powers oversavingother people from dying, your powers over the red heads, your powers overyour lust, your powers of feeling. You find out your palace over everyfucking thing in your life and you got to find a power rating yourself thatwill solve that problem. And there is one who has all power, andthe one that has all power is not necessarily the one you've just made upin your mind. You may come to a point in ten or fifteen ortwenty years with some sort of power you've sort of made up, but thegreat fairy or whatever it is, something you pray and the bottom line isis it ain't quite working for you. And you tell yourself it's working foryou because you haven't had a drinking and you live in a group of alcoholicsnobs where that's the most important thing the world, not drinking, because it'sa not drinking club. And let me tell you something. This is notthe not drinking club. If you do it right, this is the Rockand the Fourth Dimension Club. That's where the men go into with a sevenaround themselves from the babies, from the children. That's the deal. Thisis a deal. This is the other is and women, people, people. It's not the Rotary Club. That's coming from Dr bottom a good oldtime. So I'm to tell you to so what it sup fourth step tofour steps has to make a list so you can see how crazy you are. And you're still not going to see how crazy you are because you gotto be keep on being pounded, because now you see how crazy you are. After two years. Now I am pressed element. I'm crazy, fun, fun time. You get to five years and you get power. Thestorys in and I'm more crazy than I thought I was ten years say,man, I'm unbelievably, I can't believe it. Every year more will berevealed. We see through a glass darkly. The fifth the fourth step and fifthstep. We got to get rid of the fear and we got toget rid of the resentments. And why do we got to get rid ofall these things? Because I'll tell you what it says. Because it cutsout the sunshine of the spirit, sunshine with the God blesse. What's saying? Cut Out the Holy Spirit, cut out the spirit of God. That'sa because there is one of whys all power. That one is God.That's what's going to change you. You may think your education is going tochange you know. No, what's going to help change you is when youexperience that spiritual change because of the educational variety. What do they mean byeducational variety? Something that happens over a period of time. What happens overa period of time down boss, you know what happens. And what isthat? What happens when they say the way we got a new perspective,is by repeated humiliations, the final question of our self sufficiency. You knowwhat you get over a period of time in this life? Life is solet me tell you something. It's a humbling experience. I'll tell you.You guys been alive for a while. You guys don't look like children.What is life like? It's tough, it's humbling. Shit happens you.Have you figured out yet that life was...

...not sort of invented to operate theway you wanted to operate? I mean, what kind of world do you guys? Do you live in a world where you get everything you want andeverything goes okay? You never a flat tire and that kind of Shit.Well, you delivered a world where I can't believe the shit is happening again. Why did she say that? Why did you do? You live ina world that's kind of frustrating. Listen, I'll tell you what you get.You get repeat the educational variety. You get educated by repeated humiliations andthe final crushing of yourself sufficiency. You get that over ten years, somethinghappens. You got that. Over twenty years, something happens. You gotthat over thirty years. Something that happens, the more humiliation, the more crushing, the more it happened. So ten minutes. I'm going to dothis. This is real fast. This is a this is a ten minutesstory. I'm going to talk fast, ten minutes story that I was ableto see after fifty years. Other words, it took me. This is thetruth, is the absolute truth. Took me fifty you know, weall come in with stories and we learned different ways. Is a true storyand it took me fifty years to be able to tell I'm a tell themten minutes. Okay, when I was at fifty years after this story,I was able to tell this story. You know when I was going tobecause that's the first time I saw it. Sometimes it takes fifty years to seesomething. Can you believe that? Sometimes you got to be alive forfifty years to see something? So when I was eighteen, nineteen, twentyyears, twenty, twenty years old, something like that, is living inKings Bay apartment's up here and I had next door neighbor and I was singleat that time and she was working for one of the top attorneys in daycounty and I and she and apparently the guy's card broken down and this guywas one of the I can't explain to how what a big attorney he was, the kind of guy who's more than an attorney. He could pick upthe phone talk to the governor using the freak PA phones and governor whatever itis, talked to. The guy is a heavy hitter and I knew aboutthat. He was like eighty years old. It's like real maven here she was. His secretary is active. Septa says, would you do my favorites? We pick up my boss is car broke down and took my I sendsure I knew the guy's name and I we go. I go, driveover to pick them up and and you know I've been I'm an alcoholic.I mean, if only here in the yes butter. I'm a guy whowants the biggest car on the fantasies of the Mercedes. I want the wholebit. And we drive over, pick him up and go to amaze livingin a mansion. Forget that. Okay, so I drop up and he comesin. He's using a canies like eighty years old. He gets backmy car. We start driving. So I'm trying to I'm like twenty yearsold, twenty one years old. I'm trying to make small talk with hisicon. You know what I'm making small tongue. I says, Oh,how you doing? Blah, blah, blah, B I can know.And I said, so, what kind of car you have? I saidwhat kind of car you have? He says this is I have a cadillac. So Oh drives. So I said, what's wrong? He says, well, it's in the shop. Says it's in the shop. I saidso, so we driving little noises. So what's wrong with these is howwell it has to go when every once in a while, because you know, it's like twelve years old, and I have bringing everyone's walking out workingright. So now he's talking swaheely to me. I don't understand it.I would sell my soul, mortgage my life to buy cars I can't evenafford. This guy's living in a mansion. He's worth millions. He's telling mehe's driving a twelve year old car. I mean really, I don't understandwhat he's I it's like one of my sponsors that. How would youfeel it didn't bother? I don't understand. We I honestly don't understand what he'sI don't understand. He just said something to me which is not matchingwith reality. You understand, everybody I know is buying the biggest of it. And so I say to him, I say why? Credible, Isaid, why do you? What do you drive a twelve year old car? You ready for this? He gives me the answering. Ready for this? You guys are going to like this. This is fucking unbelieable. He says, I like the car. I swear to God, this is youcan make this shit up. I'd still I'm still lost. I don't understandwhat he's talking about. You know why I am lost? Because I'm analcoholic, because everything about me and my self esteem depends upon things to have. You know, I once did a tape. I cold it. I'mnot my shoes, I'm not my sure, I'm not my car, because I'mwhat I am, is what I own and what I could show you. So now we go. Fifty years later. Okay, I'm now thirty, six years sober and alcoholics and onmics...

...and one of my forty. Youknow this. Yeah, so I would have been like four years ago,three, four years ago, and I had represented this couple and a criminalcase, and as a big criminal case, and I got it. They're nicecouple and I got them off. I got the whole case discuss andthey I've had a close relationship with them. I really like them, they likeme and they they told me to invite me to their renewal of vowsin the Grove. Now I got to tell you something. I'm not aguy. I hate parties. I don't like parties. I like cocktail partiesor that Shit. Not that I think I'm going to drink, I justdon't like going in for small talk and drinking salts of water and stuff likethat. But you know, these people ask me. They really liked meand I like them, so I said, okay, either I'll go there inthe grow. Okay. So that night I'm leaving my house and Igot it. I got a Mercedes, you know. And and so Iget in the car and I drive over there and it's torrential rain. Ican't even explain. It's the most if you guys remember been stuck in themost parential rain in Florida. That was the night it was like buckets andbuckets of rain. And and I drive the car and I and and Ilove Mercedes. I drive the car into and I and I'm a coffee nut, so I drive it about. It's about ten miles away. So Idrive about nine miles and I I side. I'm going to stop at a McDonald'sget the COOTE. They got the best coffee. So I thought,McDonald's, get the coffee. So I pull it under the overhang. Youknow what I mean. That the McDonald's or a large cup of black coffee. You know, you know, and it's you know, I'm like analcohol. Coffee comes and speed comes me down. I drink coffee eleven o'clockto night so I can go to sleep. Okay, so the bottom line isI ordered the coffee, U put down the window, the maffee andI put the coffee. You know, I might end ID, and thenI go to put the window upon. The window won't go up. Thewindow won't go up. It's to rental rain. So I say to myself, I said I can't go to this thing. I didn't want to goto it anyway. I said out swinking, but now I'm wrestling my mind.What you told me you would go when you're only a mile away andyou're not mouse web. So I said I'm going to try to tough andI'll try to get over there, because it's sort of let up a littlebit. I'll try to drive over there and maybe when I get the parkinglot the laps I put over the car. So I drive over there. Imanaged to make it over there. You know, the way sort ofstops for a second. I get the parking lot. They the guy putslike a hefty bag over my window. You know what I mean, becauseso the way does go in and I go in there. I throw mythirty minutes in there. Hi, how you doing? Everything's great. Drinkthe sous of order. Get Out of thing. I get into my car. Now I got to make it home. Nine months, ten miles. I'msorry, I got to make it home where, you know, youknow, and and the rain hasn't started again. It's like misting, okay, but I know any seconds going to happen. So I'm driving to myhouse down all called the road, okay, and I got the hefty bag thereand everything is it all sort of stuff, and I'm, I'm,I'm, and I'm praying, praying. Actually, I didn't have to havethat wouldn stay. I couldn't put it put it there yet I had thewindow completely open. So I'm praying God, but these don't now you gotta standsomething. Over last time, like thirty six years sober, I've beengoing to church. I could read the Bible with doing all that stuff.I do have a I have a I believe he lives. I have apersonal relationship with God, my understanding, and so I'm praying to the Lord. I'm saying, Lord, please please help me out here. Please helpme, please help me out here. And I'm driving. I'm driving,eight miles, nine miles, I'm almost home. It hasn't rained yet.I'm going, thank this is what I'm doing. I'm gone. Thank you, thank you. Thank you. Then also the story comes across my mom. He says, yeah, you're thanking God, but you wouldn't be thankingGod if it was rain. I said yes, I would, I would, and all of a sudden it starts parentially raining. So now I'm drivinghome as fast as possible lest and for some reason the rain doesn't come in, because Aaron Don haven't it doesn't come in. I bribe it to myhouse. I put a healthy bag up. You know, what I mean.I I I managed with the hefty bag on the thing. So Irun in thing, I bring it over to Mercedes. I have it overthe Mercedes. Next Day they gotten. They give you this loaner and theLorder they give me is like a brand new, you know, Mercedes,brand new, brand gorgeous. And I'm going to meeting that night. Youknow what I mean, the meeting like this. I'm doing a step,mean a browd county. So I get one of my sponsor's he comes toany I'm driving the car to Browd County and my sponsor, my sponse helooks to me and says, man, this car is unbelievable. This caris unbelieved. This Mercedes who have been gave you. This is unbelievable,he said. He says, you know some you need to get this car. Ro So, I know you can afford you. You need to getthis car. This is the car you need to get. This is unbelievable. I said, Nan, I don't want to give this. Says yougotta get this guy's and I don't want to get this car. And hesays your car is twelve years old.

It's twelve fricking years old. Youcan get this new car, he says. He Says No, Ie is,why are you going to keep that car? And I sound like thecar. I like the car. How does how do you go from notunderstanding what the eight year of guys saying? You know, my car was paidoff as a paid off Mercedes. I like the car. I don'tneed enough new car. I don't need a new I don't need to anew car. You know, you know what that is. That's a profoundpersonality change. And you know why that happens? Not being addicted to carsand women and all this other bullshit. It only happened because my relationship.And that only happens through the steps and getting counted unmercifully by life when youdon't do them right. So thank you very much.

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