AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 8 months ago

Russell S. Talk 4 at the Sabal Palm Group 9/1/2021

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. Talk 4 at the Sabal Palm Group, Miami, FL 9/1/2021  

My name is Russell, I'm spats, I an alcohol and I've been sober for a while and I think I went through that deal. So I want to talk a little bit about I'm going to do steps one through twelve today, sort of kind of. Yes, it's going to happen now, here's a deal. This is not based on my experience. Seventy two years old, married forty years, raised four kids, for kids, for kids, yeah, for that's something, I think. Seven grand kids self sputing your own contributions, married to some beautiful gallon Nolan on. Our ladies are perpetual revenge. It does a great aunt on ten step. When I'm wrong, she probably admits it. And and so I've been through. You know this repeated. You know how it says the way we get a new perspective is by repeated humiliations, the final question for our self sufficiency. The more time you stay sober and a more humiliations. Hey, let me tell you some I'm just to tell you this is going to be my experience, my strength and home, not yours. I say something to Piss you off, just remember whenever you disturbed them out with the cause, there's something wrong with you. You got to check that out. I'm just going to tell about my deal. No use getting pissed off about it, because I'll probably whatever I say. I say something stupid, which you'll often do, I'll probably change my mind on the way homes. And why did I say that? You know. So I'll be bothered by anything. So I'm just going to talk about my experience on this deal and I'm only here for six weeks. I think is the fourth week, number four. I'm not sure, four or five. So what I'm doing? I'm going to do all twelve steps and forty minutes of whatever we had right here. Now. You may not see all twelve steps because I'm not I can spoon feed you that. I can't do that for you. I what I'll do. I'm telling you all twelve steps are going to be in this deal. Every single one of them is going to be in this deal. Some of you guys going I said, I so the third step, something's going to eye. So the ten step, and I saw them, six to seventh step and everything like that. You're going to see whatever you need. Or maybe you won't see any of the steps, maybe you won't get anything out of it, but I know the steps are in it, because it has to do with my life, it has to my sober life. I'm not going to talk about drinking. Drinking is just a simple of disease and it's the easiest thing in the world to get over. It's the easiest thing in the world you'll ever get over. You will get to the point where you'll either die, go to jail or you'll crawl in here and you'll do anything, if you may have fifteen thou tymps. You will do anything to stay sober and you will stop drinking. Some of we, some of you, will start drinking again even after ten or twenty years, but that won't because you have a drinking problem. That's because you have a thinking problem. You haven't done anything about dealing with the consequences of being an alcoholic. So I'm not going to talk about drinking. Because you're coming here. We have we have two rules in alcoholics anonymous. First rule is you got to drink together. Here throw number one. Second rule, once you get here, he's supposed to stop. It's like a rule. It's an unwritten rule. Supposed to stop and will. You can always come back in, we'll love you and you can come on him, but it's good idea just to stop once you get here. And so I'm not to talk about drinking. I'm going to talk about sobriety, I'm going to talk about emotional sobriety, I'm going to talk about the next frontier, I'm going to talk about unhealthy dependencies and I'm going to talk about a profound personality change that's in the big book of Alcoholics. Anonymous. It's all about this program and I'm going to try to connect to you, if I possibly can, the connection between the steps, which are basically the tools of a a it's like you're building a house. So a lot of people like worship the tools. Like one of the tools is the fourth step. There's another tool, the fifth step. They're all exercise, spiritual exercises, and let the tool is like the seventh step, the third step, Polson, if you build them properly, you're going to build a house, a beautiful, incredible mansion. It's going to be unbelievable. And there's a lot of people that never get to the mansion. They never build a house. All they do is sit around words. They worship the tools, they worship the fourth step. Oh I'm going to really do it, I'm going to real do a real good for step, a real good seventh step, a real good tense step, and somehow they never quite get it. We can see the forest for the for the trees. Now, quite frankly, I have a tendency after forty years of doing this thing look, as I said, the way we get a new perspective, and I know this is true because I've been through it. I have. My first sponse used to tell me when a man with experience meets some man with money, the man with experience and walk away with the money and the man with the money will walk away with an experience. And I'll tell I may not be the bride's guy in the world, but I've had forty years of dealing with a fucking bullshit. I've got forty years of being in the real world dealing with real will world problems, real world people dealing with cancer and foreclosures and money problems, and while raising kids and grandkids and doing stuff, and I know it's like to wake up at three o'clock morning because you have no money in the bank and got three months behind in the borgage and you're an attorney and you're making a lot of money but just spending more money than you make, which apparently I learned have ten years. When you do that, you're going something called that. I didn't know that because I was always spending money. I didn't have the by Shit, I didn't need to impress people I didn't like, and...

...it was almost compulsively. I don't even know. How did I get in this jam? I made an x amount of money. Like, how did I get in this jam? I volunteered to be in the jam because what I learned is that the drinking is but a symptom of my disease. The real disease centers in my mind, not my body. I don't need alcohol to be an asshole. I don't need an alcohol to make horrible decisions, hurt people, are anything like that. The only thing alcohol ever did for me is allowed me to live with my sorry as self while I was doing it. Because I drank alcohol because the bottom line is, nothing in my life work faster to make me feel like I was a decent human being and that I was all together and I was wonderful. Nothing work faster than just a few drinks. And so I drank it and if it did for you what it did for me, you drink it too, and look that story. My story is one day alcohol stopped working for me and so I don't drink it anymore. But the sad news about my stories and stop work for me about ten years before I realized it stopping with for me, and I heard a whole lot of people. All the fears, all the emotions, all the all the lust for the things of this world, all the dependencies on everything that's around me, all my constant awareness of all the fucking bullshit, and everybody screwed me over. All my they don't know who they're dealing with. All my I can't believe this is happening in me again. All My self pity, all the a million reasons why I should be pissed off and I'd write the blame people because things I'm not getting my own way. All that crap happened to me when I was ten years old, when I was fifteen, years long before I started drinking. I've never had any new emotions ever in my life. I never got sober and also, well, that's in new emotion. Never got angry before. That's a new emotion. I never was greedy before. That's new emotion. I never felt sorry for Myself For oh man, I'll tell I never lust it after women before. I had that shit going on before I started drinking. I had it going on during the drinking and I had it really going on, really going on after I stopped drinking. One day I woke up three or four months ober and I had a drink and I've been feeling real good about that. And it was three o'clock in the morning. I was worried about something and I realized that there was something wrong, I was crazy, and that's when I start realizeeing, that the first step and getting out of jail is knowing you're in general the first place. Took me thirty one years to realize I was in an alcoholic jail and then I spent the next forty years to see a whole bunch of other jails up. Is it because no, alcohol is not the only thing that made me feel better about myself when, deep down inside, it felt like a worthless piece of crap? I know I must have felt like worthless piece of crap now looking back on it, because I be in the shower leather not but three years sober and all of a sudden I hear a voice of the voice. So you're a piece of Shit, you go to kill yourself. The story. You're sober and I'm sort of the program about whol Sunde. I turn around the shower. Who the hell's in the shower? Tell me I'm a piece of shit and there was nobody there except for me. Sometimes I'm driving in a car and all of a sudden I tell myself on ass all, kill myself. I'm never gonna be okay. I just that's why they put the book. Do not be discouraged, you know, because o't. that's that. You know what that is? That self talk. That's what alcoholics say themselves, because that's an alcoholics reputation with themselves about whom they are. It doesn't matter what. I put myself out there. I know I'm worthless, I know I'm unworthy. I know that I got to have to buy this or get that or do this or whatever it is to make myself okay and acceptable, because I am so I'm going to accept. I hope to hell you never know who I really am, because I know who I really am and I'm a piece of crap and my thoughts are bad thoughts about myself and other people. So I only have the TV on or the radio one or something going on, because I can't stand silence and to be alone with my thoughts, because they are bad thoughts about myself and other people. And that's the deal. Something and that's the deal. And so that's the alcoholism I suffer from, the disease where I tell myself I don't give a shit what other people think about me and all I do is think about what other people think about me. There's people don't really people really don't care what other people think about him. Don't ever say I don't care what other people think about they just be themselves. I couldn't be myself and I don't even know who I was. So I'm going to talk about a little bit about these the profound personality change that happened to me and what all these steps have to do with that. And if I'm going to and I'm ultimately hopefully going to get to the part where I kind of explain, or becomes obvious to somebody, not everybody, that the remarkable change that will happen in your life overpeered of twenty, I'll let me read this pendix number two in the book aucoholics anonymous. In the first few chapters a number of sudden, revolutionary changes were described, though it was not our intention to create an impression, many alcoholics have nevertheless concluded that in order to recover, they must acquire an immediate and overwhelming God consciousness, followed at once by...

...a vast change in feeling, an outbum. I've had epiphanies. December twenty two, one thousand nine hundred and eighty, at three o'clock the morning, I thought my life is over. I was thirty one years old. I got down on my knees and I asked the Lord to come to my life. I asked Jesus come my life. I said, you know, somebody came out TV. I said I was all on. I thought my life was over. I was without hope. I'd fallen off a clip of May not be a big deal to you, but for a Jewish gift from New York was a big deal. I can tell you that what I picked that I had picked up my white ship. I think I had almost the spiritual experience. So I've had those kind of I've had experiences of my life that I would seem spiritual experiences. But then it goes on to say this among our rapidly growing membership of thousands of alcoholics, such transformations, although frequent, are by no means the rule. Most of our experiences are what the psychologist William James Calls the educational variety. Because now this is why they call the educational variety. I'm sure you guys to bring this out, but I thought, you know what I thought first when I first heard about the educational probety, I thought, what, well, it's going to a lot of step means, it's learning from your sponsor a lot of stuff. It's doing the steps. It's like an educational sort of thing. It's like going to beans like this where somebody has bunch of time is talking. You can educate, you hear something that you know. It's listening to people's stories, a good a, a talk or something like that. The educational varieties. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that, although all that is true, because I'm a big proponent of education, believe I've been educated far beyond my capacity understand everything. Even when I was the most educated guy in the world, with doctorates and all sorts of stuff. I graduate from alns and mathematics, gone for a PhD and Algebrake Topology, became a lawyer and all when I was most educated guy in the world. That was the big as asshole. And not only was an asshole and I hurt people and I drank. Not only was that true, but I thought I was perfectly okay. So the bottom line is you can be a smart idiot, John Wayne's quote, life is tough and if you're stupid it's even tougher. And I had a tough life. That ninety percent of the repeas of my life was stuff was because my own actions and my own brain. I could be sitting with all the money in the world, with everything in the world, and I can screw it up just with my thinking, you know, feeling sorry for myself and all the craft going on in my mind because I'm an alcoholic. So at first I thought the educational variety. At the Word Education, I think of college, I think a metis like this and although to a certain extent it's true, all the education in the smart stuff of the world didn't didn't stop me from being selfish. Then stop me from being self centered. I know the book, aaggs and the A book says. It says selfishness. Selfcenter is driven by that, we think, is the root of our problem, Drim by a hundred forms. Here pollution and selfseeking. We step on the toes of mothers and they retaliate, seemed without provocation, but we learned that we've made the decisions based upon self wish puts us in position be heard. So an alcoholic is self will run riot or usually asn't think so. Above everything, you must get through the selfishness, and I think selfishness is a word that covers a lot of territory. It covers words like lust. That has covers words like read it covers words, it covers all sorts of stuff like arrogance. You know, it's just one word that covers a lot of stuff in my life. I know for me, this is just for me, and this is what it says of book. Above everything, you must get rid of our selfish that's we must start. Tells us God makes that possible. And right after that, the next page it says, once we make this decision for God, we alterimate. We are to lead the band, abandon ourselves to God. I'm not talking about what they tell you in the rooms of alcoholics anonymously. They tell you the God thing is bad or don't think about God, thing of God, think you'll chase away a newcomer. I'm not talking about what happens in you know the same exactly. Well, people's anonymous. Have you noticed that this isn't thank God we have a big book. If we didn't have a big book with all these sayings about God and all the stuff they're saying you have to do, if we was just one by an AA committee, well, we wouldn't be around, really, we really wouldn't we. So we all fall social. We all so much do not want to do this stuff or really want to do it. We all so much want to run away from we all want to so much water this shit down so that it's a sort of like a form of religion without any power, a form of a without power. Bill Wilson, let me tell you where God is. You understand them.

Came from Bill Wilson in his story. Says I hated the idea of God. I hated the idea. A lot of people hate the idea of God. They say things in a means like well, they were talking about God when I came here, I would have left. You know, I thank God. You know religion. I hate the Catholic Church. I have this, I have you. I'm spiritual, not religious. Let me tell you something. The most selfrighteous people I've ever come across are in alcoholics, anonymous, most self righteous people that think their shit doesn't stink. Has Been at alcoholics, anonymous that claimed to be spiritual, not religion, like they're just somehow better, more intelligent, more spiritually a Tumbe and people that go to church or study the Bible. I think. I mean these are realason like. I mean Mother Teresa Screw Hi. I mean these are like the real champions. You know what I mean, people who are alcoholics. Let me tell you something. I'm not spiritual. I want to evil, some of a bitch. I've done enough four steps, done enough FIS steps. I've watched my life. I know, I heard, I know how what I do. I know, as I leave a a and left my own devices, exactly what kind of person I think. I don't I I just I've never been able to be strict. I'm a material man. That's what Bill Wilson said. Worldly clamors, unhealthy dependencies. I am a guy. Let me tell you something. I don't need a higher power. I really don't need a higher power. I really higher powers kill me, that redhead over their higher power. Who on the higher power? I'll sell my soul for that higher power. New Car, higher power, new job, higher power, million dollars in the bank higher power, Playboy magazine higher power. Everything in this freaking world higher power. Everything I've ever complained about in alcoholics nonyms, in any meeting, is about a higher power. It's about not hiding the haven the higher power or why don't I have the higher power? It's about that. I don't complain about God, I don't compare about the spiritual things. I complain about not having this. I complain about the stuff they told about the big buck. They say money, property and Romance. I complain about lack of romance, lack of sex, lack of money. Like a Pressy, I complained about things of this world. I come in here and I stopped drinking. Let me tell you something. I need alcohol to be drunk. Look goodlooking, bon blond. I walk into a bar, they're all looking at me. I'm dropped this shit brand new Ferrari. I'm driving down the street. I'm like a drunk man. A lot of money the bank. I'm a drunk. The things of this world get me drunk and give me pleasure and as soon as I leave but lose them, I say I'm a piece of shit out of killing myself. Carmentager said men and women. I'm alcoholics are men and women. We're out to destroy themselves. I understand and list until notcohol accepts his alcoholism roll its consequences. Is Brit to be Paris of true happiness? Will find none at all. You know, there's so many people that are so not selful where of how full of Shit they are, including me, the number one full of Shit Guy. But I've learned a little. And so it says right here. Though it is not our intention to grate an impression upon alcoholics, have nevertheless concluded that in order to recover, it's got to be a Maye. But it says here among our rapidly growing membership of thousand about Palls, the transformations so frequent are by no means the rule. Most of our experients are what we call by the Psychology William Jens, called the educational briety, because they develop over a period of time period of time. So Bill Wilson says, I hate God. I hate the idea of God. I couldn't stand the idea of a personal God. To me, I couldn't stand it. I get people talking about a person got to me and I wasn't going to buy any of it. That's what he says when he first walked in. So a guy says to him. He says, okay, well, if you can handle that, how about making up Your Own God? Wilson says, I like that and he grabs onto that comes to and that's not a bad thing because that's what we need to come in here. But I want you to understand something. That's what Bill Wilson that's what had to in order to get Wilson in the doors to listen. They said, okay, don't do it, just baking until you make it. That was his compromise. That's our compromise. He's like a spiritual kindergarten, but some of US want to go to high school. Supposed to grow. It's growth and maintenance of spiritual condition. So in any event, so here's the deal. Here's what I've discovered. Is the real educational variety over a period of time in the twelve and twelve. It says the following. I've said it before, I'll say it again. The way we get a new perspective is by repeated humiliations, the final crushing of our selfsufficiency. Okay, there ain't nothing like being getting the shit knocked out of yourself over period of forty years every which way to really drive in these principles. It's one thing to listen to a good a me.

It's one thing to have a good sponsor. It's one thing to read the big book about wholsom us an honest it's a, it's a, it's A. It's a completely other thing to lose your house and forth closure to learn a lot of really great stuff. I'll tell you, the big book comes alive when they tell you got cancer. The big book. You'd be surprised how much shit you will learn in the book alcoholics anonymous and about this program when you get the Vod when you get served with divorce papers or when you go to jail. There's nothing like the crushing to really drive and you want to know what the great thing is about this deal. If you don't do it right, and nobody does. I didn't. If you don't do it right, the pain continues. That pain. How do you like that? The pain continues. You know, it's like it says in the book. That says we learned the value of suffering. How do you like? Hey, this is a great thing you guys signed up for. You know, we learned the value of suffering. It's like when the guy bounced the check off and bounce the check and cause me to bounce a bunch of checks and and that. I told everybody in the room and everybody in the world about the sun bitch bounce a check. I couldn't get it out. was I couldn't believe he bounced the check on me. I couldn't believe he did that. That's five undred dollar check three days. I'm talking about this asshole. Bounce the check, bounce the check, bounce the check, bounce the Jack Man just painful. Want to kill him. Bounce the check. Couldn't have a all I could do. Every time go to sleep thinking that him. Will wake up thinking of that. That's how I finally tell my sponsor and he says, he says, well, how would you feel if it didn't bother? I said, I don't understand the question. He said, how would you feel if it didn't bother you? I said, I'm I'm n see what to talk about. It says, well, how would you feel it didn't body? I said what he mean? How would I feel if it didn't bother me? How would you feel if it didn't bothery? I mean, how would I feel if it didn't bought didn't. How would I feel it didn't bother me? Like he that he bounced the five hundred dollar check. He said, yeah, how would you feel it didn't bother you? So well, if it didn't, well, it didn't bother me, I'd feel fine. He said, there you go and walked away. You know what I learned. You know what I learned. You know what I've learned over forty years. If it doesn't bother you, it doesn't bother you. You know. You know why I'm not divorced. Doesn't because of botherming. You know why I can talk like this today meeting, say all sorts of crazy shit and not worry if somebody doesn't like me. What doesn't bother me. You know what life is like. Of things don't bother you. It's like a new freedom, it's like a new happiness. It's like being rocking in the fourth dimensionistance you guys still bother to mention. Now, listen, I don't want to say I never get bothered. Man, God will lay something on me. You know, I took a bumping this differently get being bothered for five minutes a week and being bothered all the fucking time. There is a big difference between having a miserable sobriety, unhappy sobriety, and I'm walking around with things that. There's a big, big difference. You know, losing fear of economic insecurity. Does that mean I have a lot of money in backs? No, but I'm not worried about losing fear of people. You know, sometimes a lot of not having. Sometimes nine percent of time when I would worry about losing a car or losing something because I didn't have a money or something like that. Behind all that was what will they think? What will they think of them? I'm not driving a mercedies. What were they think of I'm not by driving. It was all fear of people. I'm supposed to be or show a certain way and stuff like that. What do they think if I make a miss? What like it? You want to share the mean I'm not ready. Oh, you're scared. No, I'm not scared, I'm just not ready. No, you're scared. What are you scared of? Well, I mean, what if I screw up and everything I say? So what if you screw up? What if that didn't bother you? You know, wouldn't it be great to live a life that things didn't bother how wouldn't that be? But how would that be thinking how many times you bothered by anything? I used to drive my car and kill a million people before I got to the office and cut in front of me. They do this stuff, so I'm going to tell you to. So here's the deal. So Dr Young, Dr Young says to Roland Hazard who's he treats for. He's in the book. I'm I'm gonna assume you guys read the book. I shouldn't assume that, but if you haven't been it's your bad luck, as you won't understand what I'm saying. But so Roland Hazard puts himself on the Tul edge of Doctor Young, the greatest psychiatrist the world at that time, in order to stop drinking. Very wealthy guy from New England goes over there, rolland hazard. He's like...

...four months, five months, six months, like a big treatment center kind of thing, with a great psychiatrist and everything like that. After six months, or five months, whatever it is, they had him locked up. He didn't drink. So he says to himself, this is in the book. He says himself, now, knowing the end of workings of my mind, drinking is impossible because now I know how my mind works, because I'm intelligent, because I got all the degrees, because I haven't a drink it six months. Next line in the big book. Nevertheless, he was drunk with an a few weeks. So he goes back to Dr Young. This is in our book. It's confidence approved, Dr Young said, and he says, Dr Young, he says, what's the deal? I was here for six so my blah, blah, blah. What's going? Is there any hope? Would and he, Dr Young, says this. He says you have the mind of chronic alcoholic. This is alcoholics anonyms. This is a close meeting. This man couldn't stop drinking and even when he stopped drinking, he couldn't stop drinking. Otherwise, this isn't one of these things. This isn't one of these things where you take your first you know whole thing. First drink gets you drunk. The first drink gets you drunk. Why? Because the craving, because the biology, because the bay. This is not the first drink get you drunk. This is you haven't even had the first drink. Why'd you pick up the first drink after six months? Guy Has ten years in alcoholics. Anonymous. Twenty years in alcoholics, anonymous. This isn't the first drink get you drunk. This is why the Hell would somebody with twenty years pick up the first drink? Because he's insane, because we are insane, because the second step says it says believe that a higher power will restore us to sanity, because you're insane and the insane part doesn't necessarily totally go away. And if it does go away and you have a com personality change, it goes away because of that's true. But how do we get to the God thing? Through wonderful, wonderful and wonderful edutainment, sational experience. Don't forget the educational experiences that I don't want you guys to miss this. I don't want you to miss the pounding. I don't want you to miss going through the a car wash, all dirty at one end. Go through the car wash five thousand guys with giant fucking mallets beating the living shit out of you at every turn. Round the Kamor Belt, you having the Shit beat out of you by life. My people that are you're not getting your own way. You know, wife doesn't treating your wife uses and treeing your right, pandemic isn't green your right. The whole world a fucking go to pieces, and you just hang on to that camer belt and focus on God and by the time you get to the end, you get about forty years. feels like a Swedish massage. You know what I mean? That's matter. It's sort of like a situation comedy, you know. It's like, was that Steinberg's fine sign? Fits like the Steinfeld show sign? You know side felt whatever it who knows? You know. And you say, man, I'm going to try that shit again, I'm gonna go through that Riet again and all sing you're saying to people. I said, well, what if it didn't bother you? And they say, I said the one guy. I said, what was it? Real Tief? I said I was ten years sober. I said what am I going to have? I said one am I gonna have financial looks hearings for ten years. I speak all sponsor everything that moves you. Mavis, I was. I was eight years on Real Ay and a group back the chairman for two years. I'm doing every everything in this thing and I'm broke again. You know, what is that? What am I going to have? I thought I'd be a multiicaziliare by this time. He says, he says, what are you talking about? I said it. Then the promises, the promises. I cannot fear Bele economic in sturity will leave you. Will leave you. What am I going to make the money? What's the money going to come? I mean the same thing is great, but we all know that everything would be solid if I only had a million dollars. Okay, I we all know spiritual thing is good and that would be deal. What I you said. What are you talking I said, I'm talking about the promises. Fear of economic in sturity will leave you. He says, he says, he says. It doesn't say what you think it says. I said, I I am I read it all the time. What is that going to happen to me ten years he says, Russ what are you talking I said it's in the by said it's not in the book. I said it's in the book. He said, read it to me. I opened it up, I read and he says fear of people and of economic and security will leave you. Since that's right. That's right. The fear will leave you, but you will always be broke. It just won't bother you. Well, thanks for thanks for let me know that. So, Carl Young. So Carl Young says to a Rolland has it when he says. He says you have the mind of chronic couple. I've never been able to be successful with that state of mind. Consistent and when he was there, no hope. He says here and there, once in a while, here and there, once in a while, here and there, once in a while,...

...not all the time. In alcoholics. You want to know something, it's here in there, once in a while. There's a sixth step that separates the MEM from voice. That's quite a separation. You know, there used to be a statistic. got over the true or not, but it seems to be true for me. says. It says only one half of one percent of the people that come in here stay sober for twenty years and I know a lot of guys that have over twenty years that are miserable, but they don't even know their miserable because they're not being rocked in the fourth dimension existence. They're not experience a life of joy. They got twenty years. They don't act out, they don't that crazy. But you want something not happy, you not enthusiastics. You know what I mean. You know to watch out for. You want to find one of them guys. So, in any event, so he says, he says, he says the well, what's the deal? He says it's a God, that it's a phenomena. It says ideas, emotions and attitudes that are the drive. This is this is how we describes in scientific terms, of psychological terms, the educational variety. What happens to somebody when they change, that psychic change. It says ideas, emotions and attitudes that are the guiding force, or a propholster driving force of these men's lives are shifted to one side and they become dominated by whole new set of ideas, emotions and attitudes dominated their whole life and vision changes. I've been trying to do that with you by never been able to do with some buddy has the WHO's a chronic gout balked and he says, how does that have many sins? It's a phenomena. It's up phenomenal means. They Kenny. It's a miracle. We can explain it just happens. I don't know how it happens. You know, I'm a lounge list. Every Friday night, every Saturday night, every Wednesday night, every lady's night, I'm out there look at the nail something because I wanted what she had and I was going to go to any length to get it. I mean out there. You know what I mean. I'm going, I'm charging, I'm going, I'm going to do whatever I got to do, because if I had her and she loved me and I got that and I had that dad, then I would be something instead of a nothing, which is what I always was. I was a nothing. I didn't have her, I was a nothing. I didn't have it. I was in nothing. I've been in nothing all my life. I used to put some of my body called Scotch and termiens. When almost, when you're nothing, almost the top of the world. You know what I mean, and that's the deal. And so here I am and that's what I'm trying it. So how does that happen? How does that happen that it's a Saturday night and I'm seven years sober and I take a new guy to an AA meeting and then we go to Denny's and we're drinking coffee at ten o'clock at night and I say, so, what do you think about the meeting? And he says, well, it was good, it was good visas, but what do you guys do for fun? And I don't know how to tell them that I'm having a great time. Hell, is that shit going on? How does that happen? It happens because of these steps. So I got a fifteen minutes, you know whatever, twenty minutes. So I'm tell you two stories. I'm gonna tell you too, and here's the deal. Here's what the steps do, but the steps ultimately do. So I'm going to give you the the end before I give you the stories. This story, the end of the cell. Here's what the steps do, but the stories are. What our stories are? Is there stories of victory, their stories of I was blind, but now I see. I was crippled, but now I walk. I was a jerk and now I'm doing this deal. You know, there's stories of where you look at somebody you say, did you hear that guy? Where did that come? Their stories we you say, man, I wish I could do that. I wish I could be like that. There's stories about Al Kennedy when he's speaking in a meeting and the guy is unbelievable. I said, man, I'd like to get to know that guy in my sponsor says he's dying. I said, we don't mean these dying Stegn of cancer. I said, but he was a a me. He'SAS got six months to live. I don't love the days speaking. Said, man, how do you do that? Shit? I how to stop drinking. How do you do be not worried about dying shit? WHOA, if I get that down, it's not possible. I saw it in front of me. This wasn't bullshit. There's a guy in six US later he was dead. So so when I was. And that's the deal. What happens is somehow, some way, the whole thing is about getting a relationship. This is what it says. Let me tell you something says it all. Over the book in a different ways. I'll give you one section where it says that exact says. How do we get rocking in the fourth dimension of existence? How do we experience much for heaven says, the great fact is this and nothing less, says. The great fact is this and nothing less. That means the great fact is this and nothing less. See, I need the higher I don't need those higher powers that can't be drunk, that are all over me, no matter how many needs to go to. I need the one who has all power. Is One that are all power? I got to find out, because the one that has all power will wipe out the other higher powers in my life. So I won't be looking at that redhead, I can stay married for years, wipe up and...

...all that other shit. You know what I mean. But I have this thing called alcoholism, and what my alcoholism tells me to do is don't go there, don't open that door, don't give yourself a don't utterly abandon yourself. My alcoholism tells me not to do it, you know, and I hang around with people in Aa that tell me don't do that, don't talk about that, or I won't like you. And I'm not only an alcohol coma. Please love me. All of you know that's one of that's one of the world be climbers. That's one of the dependencies I have. I am dependent on myself. Is Okay. If you see, I'm okay. My whole life and who by vision myself depends on what you think about me. That's a sorry ass way to look life. That's a piece of shit way to live life. Let me tell you something. If you don't have any more sending stable in your life and what a bunch of alcoholics, think about it. I feel sorry for how you know I'd like doing Bob Smith said. If you're if you have some sort of intellectual private keeps you from this, I feel sorry for you. You heavenly father, and never let you down. I'll tell you. The founders didn't think that way, but Bill Wilson saying alcoholics, Awm, some of three. The Lord has been so wonderful of me for me as terrible seas. I got to keep talking about and telling other people. But the problem is the people in they don't want to hear that Shit, and it's all in the big book because they live in a world alcoholics that don't want to hear it, just like Bill Wilson. Don't want to hear it. At first. They say things like well, fire that Shit. I would have walked out of all it's sort of crap. You know so so, and that's what all the stuffs are of that it's all about letting the power of God, because, listen to me, this is novel. This is advanced a a. This is totally advanced, a a, totally advanced you. You're powerless. Your powerless. You have no power to change. I used to say to myself, I'm not going to drink it. Then the drunk I'm not going to drink that. I got drunk. The one thing you learn here is your powerless over alcohol. Then if you come in here, if you get pounded enough, you learn your powerless over money, your powers over cancer, your powers over the people dying, your powers oversaving other people from dying, your powers over the red heads, your powers over your lust, your powers of feeling. You find out your palace over every fucking thing in your life and you got to find a power rating yourself that will solve that problem. And there is one who has all power, and the one that has all power is not necessarily the one you've just made up in your mind. You may come to a point in ten or fifteen or twenty years with some sort of power you've sort of made up, but the great fairy or whatever it is, something you pray and the bottom line is is it ain't quite working for you. And you tell yourself it's working for you because you haven't had a drinking and you live in a group of alcoholics nobs where that's the most important thing the world, not drinking, because it's a not drinking club. And let me tell you something. This is not the not drinking club. If you do it right, this is the Rock and the Fourth Dimension Club. That's where the men go into with a seven around themselves from the babies, from the children. That's the deal. This is a deal. This is the other is and women, people, people. It's not the Rotary Club. That's coming from Dr bottom a good old time. So I'm to tell you to so what it sup fourth step to four steps has to make a list so you can see how crazy you are. And you're still not going to see how crazy you are because you got to be keep on being pounded, because now you see how crazy you are. After two years. Now I am pressed element. I'm crazy, fun, fun time. You get to five years and you get power. The storys in and I'm more crazy than I thought I was ten years say, man, I'm unbelievably, I can't believe it. Every year more will be revealed. We see through a glass darkly. The fifth the fourth step and fifth step. We got to get rid of the fear and we got to get rid of the resentments. And why do we got to get rid of all these things? Because I'll tell you what it says. Because it cuts out the sunshine of the spirit, sunshine with the God blesse. What's saying? Cut Out the Holy Spirit, cut out the spirit of God. That's a because there is one of whys all power. That one is God. That's what's going to change you. You may think your education is going to change you know. No, what's going to help change you is when you experience that spiritual change because of the educational variety. What do they mean by educational variety? Something that happens over a period of time. What happens over a period of time down boss, you know what happens. And what is that? What happens when they say the way we got a new perspective, is by repeated humiliations, the final question of our self sufficiency. You know what you get over a period of time in this life? Life is so let me tell you something. It's a humbling experience. I'll tell you. You guys been alive for a while. You guys don't look like children. What is life like? It's tough, it's humbling. Shit happens you. Have you figured out yet that life was...

...not sort of invented to operate the way you wanted to operate? I mean, what kind of world do you guys? Do you live in a world where you get everything you want and everything goes okay? You never a flat tire and that kind of Shit. Well, you delivered a world where I can't believe the shit is happening again. Why did she say that? Why did you do? You live in a world that's kind of frustrating. Listen, I'll tell you what you get. You get repeat the educational variety. You get educated by repeated humiliations and the final crushing of yourself sufficiency. You get that over ten years, something happens. You got that. Over twenty years, something happens. You got that over thirty years. Something that happens, the more humiliation, the more crushing, the more it happened. So ten minutes. I'm going to do this. This is real fast. This is a this is a ten minutes story. I'm going to talk fast, ten minutes story that I was able to see after fifty years. Other words, it took me. This is the truth, is the absolute truth. Took me fifty you know, we all come in with stories and we learned different ways. Is a true story and it took me fifty years to be able to tell I'm a tell them ten minutes. Okay, when I was at fifty years after this story, I was able to tell this story. You know when I was going to because that's the first time I saw it. Sometimes it takes fifty years to see something. Can you believe that? Sometimes you got to be alive for fifty years to see something? So when I was eighteen, nineteen, twenty years, twenty, twenty years old, something like that, is living in Kings Bay apartment's up here and I had next door neighbor and I was single at that time and she was working for one of the top attorneys in day county and I and she and apparently the guy's card broken down and this guy was one of the I can't explain to how what a big attorney he was, the kind of guy who's more than an attorney. He could pick up the phone talk to the governor using the freak PA phones and governor whatever it is, talked to. The guy is a heavy hitter and I knew about that. He was like eighty years old. It's like real maven here she was. His secretary is active. Septa says, would you do my favorites? We pick up my boss is car broke down and took my I send sure I knew the guy's name and I we go. I go, drive over to pick them up and and you know I've been I'm an alcoholic. I mean, if only here in the yes butter. I'm a guy who wants the biggest car on the fantasies of the Mercedes. I want the whole bit. And we drive over, pick him up and go to amaze living in a mansion. Forget that. Okay, so I drop up and he comes in. He's using a canies like eighty years old. He gets back my car. We start driving. So I'm trying to I'm like twenty years old, twenty one years old. I'm trying to make small talk with his icon. You know what I'm making small tongue. I says, Oh, how you doing? Blah, blah, blah, B I can know. And I said, so, what kind of car you have? I said what kind of car you have? He says this is I have a cadillac. So Oh drives. So I said, what's wrong? He says, well, it's in the shop. Says it's in the shop. I said so, so we driving little noises. So what's wrong with these is how well it has to go when every once in a while, because you know, it's like twelve years old, and I have bringing everyone's walking out working right. So now he's talking swaheely to me. I don't understand it. I would sell my soul, mortgage my life to buy cars I can't even afford. This guy's living in a mansion. He's worth millions. He's telling me he's driving a twelve year old car. I mean really, I don't understand what he's I it's like one of my sponsors that. How would you feel it didn't bother? I don't understand. We I honestly don't understand what he's I don't understand. He just said something to me which is not matching with reality. You understand, everybody I know is buying the biggest of it. And so I say to him, I say why? Credible, I said, why do you? What do you drive a twelve year old car? You ready for this? He gives me the answering. Ready for this? You guys are going to like this. This is fucking unbelieable. He says, I like the car. I swear to God, this is you can make this shit up. I'd still I'm still lost. I don't understand what he's talking about. You know why I am lost? Because I'm an alcoholic, because everything about me and my self esteem depends upon things to have. You know, I once did a tape. I cold it. I'm not my shoes, I'm not my sure, I'm not my car, because I'm what I am, is what I own and what I could show you. So now we go. Fifty years later. Okay, I'm now thirty, six years sober and alcoholics and onmics...

...and one of my forty. You know this. Yeah, so I would have been like four years ago, three, four years ago, and I had represented this couple and a criminal case, and as a big criminal case, and I got it. They're nice couple and I got them off. I got the whole case discuss and they I've had a close relationship with them. I really like them, they like me and they they told me to invite me to their renewal of vows in the Grove. Now I got to tell you something. I'm not a guy. I hate parties. I don't like parties. I like cocktail parties or that Shit. Not that I think I'm going to drink, I just don't like going in for small talk and drinking salts of water and stuff like that. But you know, these people ask me. They really liked me and I like them, so I said, okay, either I'll go there in the grow. Okay. So that night I'm leaving my house and I got it. I got a Mercedes, you know. And and so I get in the car and I drive over there and it's torrential rain. I can't even explain. It's the most if you guys remember been stuck in the most parential rain in Florida. That was the night it was like buckets and buckets of rain. And and I drive the car and I and and I love Mercedes. I drive the car into and I and I'm a coffee nut, so I drive it about. It's about ten miles away. So I drive about nine miles and I I side. I'm going to stop at a McDonald's get the COOTE. They got the best coffee. So I thought, McDonald's, get the coffee. So I pull it under the overhang. You know what I mean. That the McDonald's or a large cup of black coffee. You know, you know, and it's you know, I'm like an alcohol. Coffee comes and speed comes me down. I drink coffee eleven o'clock to night so I can go to sleep. Okay, so the bottom line is I ordered the coffee, U put down the window, the maffee and I put the coffee. You know, I might end ID, and then I go to put the window upon. The window won't go up. The window won't go up. It's to rental rain. So I say to myself, I said I can't go to this thing. I didn't want to go to it anyway. I said out swinking, but now I'm wrestling my mind. What you told me you would go when you're only a mile away and you're not mouse web. So I said I'm going to try to tough and I'll try to get over there, because it's sort of let up a little bit. I'll try to drive over there and maybe when I get the parking lot the laps I put over the car. So I drive over there. I managed to make it over there. You know, the way sort of stops for a second. I get the parking lot. They the guy puts like a hefty bag over my window. You know what I mean, because so the way does go in and I go in there. I throw my thirty minutes in there. Hi, how you doing? Everything's great. Drink the sous of order. Get Out of thing. I get into my car. Now I got to make it home. Nine months, ten miles. I'm sorry, I got to make it home where, you know, you know, and and the rain hasn't started again. It's like misting, okay, but I know any seconds going to happen. So I'm driving to my house down all called the road, okay, and I got the hefty bag there and everything is it all sort of stuff, and I'm, I'm, I'm, and I'm praying, praying. Actually, I didn't have to have that wouldn stay. I couldn't put it put it there yet I had the window completely open. So I'm praying God, but these don't now you gotta stand something. Over last time, like thirty six years sober, I've been going to church. I could read the Bible with doing all that stuff. I do have a I have a I believe he lives. I have a personal relationship with God, my understanding, and so I'm praying to the Lord. I'm saying, Lord, please please help me out here. Please help me, please help me out here. And I'm driving. I'm driving, eight miles, nine miles, I'm almost home. It hasn't rained yet. I'm going, thank this is what I'm doing. I'm gone. Thank you, thank you. Thank you. Then also the story comes across my mom. He says, yeah, you're thanking God, but you wouldn't be thanking God if it was rain. I said yes, I would, I would, and all of a sudden it starts parentially raining. So now I'm driving home as fast as possible lest and for some reason the rain doesn't come in, because Aaron Don haven't it doesn't come in. I bribe it to my house. I put a healthy bag up. You know, what I mean. I I I managed with the hefty bag on the thing. So I run in thing, I bring it over to Mercedes. I have it over the Mercedes. Next Day they gotten. They give you this loaner and the Lorder they give me is like a brand new, you know, Mercedes, brand new, brand gorgeous. And I'm going to meeting that night. You know what I mean, the meeting like this. I'm doing a step, mean a browd county. So I get one of my sponsor's he comes to any I'm driving the car to Browd County and my sponsor, my sponse he looks to me and says, man, this car is unbelievable. This car is unbelieved. This Mercedes who have been gave you. This is unbelievable, he said. He says, you know some you need to get this car. Ro So, I know you can afford you. You need to get this car. This is the car you need to get. This is unbelievable. I said, Nan, I don't want to give this. Says you gotta get this guy's and I don't want to get this car. And he says your car is twelve years old.

It's twelve fricking years old. You can get this new car, he says. He Says No, Ie is, why are you going to keep that car? And I sound like the car. I like the car. How does how do you go from not understanding what the eight year of guys saying? You know, my car was paid off as a paid off Mercedes. I like the car. I don't need enough new car. I don't need a new I don't need to a new car. You know, you know what that is. That's a profound personality change. And you know why that happens? Not being addicted to cars and women and all this other bullshit. It only happened because my relationship. And that only happens through the steps and getting counted unmercifully by life when you don't do them right. So thank you very much.

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