AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 1 month ago

Russell S. Talk 4 at the Sabal Palm Group 9/1/2021

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. Talk 4 at the Sabal Palm Group, Miami, FL 9/1/2021  

My Name Is Russell: I'm spat im analcohol and I've been sober for a while, and I think I went through that deal.So I want to talk a little bit bout. I'm going to do steps one throughtwelve, today, sort of tone. Yes, it's going to happen, yeah here's the deal.This is my based on my experience. Seventy two years old married fortyyears raised for kids for tits for kids yeah, for that's how I a I think, sevengrandkids self Pinon contributions married to some beautiful gallon Allanon our ladies- are perpetual revenged. It does at Bray down on on ten stepwhen I'm wrong. She promptly admits it and, and so I've been through. You know thisrepeated. You know how it says. The way we get a new perspective is by repeatedhumiliations, the kind of question of Er self sufficiency, the more time you stay over and atemore humiliations, hey. Let me tell you something just to tell you. This isgoing to be my experience, my strength and home, not yours. I say something toPiss you off. Just remember when I be disturbed he at because there'ssomething wrong with you. You got to check that out. I'm just going to talkabout my deal, no use getting pissed off about it because I'll probablywhatever I say I say something stupid, which often do I'll, probably change mymind on the way home said. Why did I say that you know so I'll be botheredby anything? So I'm just going to talk about my experience on this deal andI'm only here for six weeks. I think this is the fourth week number four,I'm not sure four five. So what I'm doing I'm going to do all twelve stepsin forty minutes or whatever we had right here now. You may not see all twelve stepsbecause I'm not. I can't spoon feature that I can't do that for you, I. WhatI'll do I'm telling you all twelve steps are going to be in this field.Every single one of them is going to be in this deal. Some of you guys walk on.I said I saw the third step, some Gointo, I so ten step when I swon six oseven step and everything like that you're going to see whatever you need,or maybe you won't see any of the steps. Maybe you won't get anything out of it,but I know the steps are in it because it has to do with my life. It has to mysilver life: I'm not going to talk about drinking drinkings, just a simplethe disease and it's the easiest thing in the world to get over. It's theeasiest thing in the world you'll ever get over. You will get to the pointwhere you'll either die, go to jail or you'll crawl in here and you'll doanything. If you may have fifteen zend winecups, you will do anything to stayover and you will stop drinking some of we. Some of you will start drinkingagain, even after ten or twenty years, but that won't be because you have adrinking problem. That's because you have a thinking problem. You haven'tdone anything about dealing with the consequences of being an alcoholic. SoI'm not going to talk about drinking because you're coming here we have, wehave two rules in alcohol is anonymous. First rule is you got a drink to gethere is well number one. Second Role, onceyou get here you supposed to stop it's like a rule than it's an unwritten rulesupposed to stop and well. You can always come back in well love! You andyou come on him, but it's a good idea just to stop once you get here, and soI'm not going to talk about drinking. I'm going to talk about sobriety. I'mgoing to talking about emotional sobriety, I'm going to talk about thenext frontier, I'm going to talk about unhealthy dependencies and I'm going to talk about a profoundpersonality change. That's in the big book of Alcohol Sanoms! It's all aboutthis program and I'm going to try to connect the you. If I possibly can theconnection between the steps, which are basically the tools of a a it's likeyou're building a house. So a lot of people like worship. The tools like oneof the tools is the four step. There's another tool of Fista they're allexercise spiritual exercises and let the tool is like the seventh step, thethird step Olson. If you build them properly, you're going to build a house,a beautiful, incredible mansion, it's going to be unbelievable and there's alot of people that never get to the mansion. They never build a house. Allthey do is sit around with s ever worship the tools they worship the forestep. Oh I'm going to really do it now, I'm going to real. Do a real good forcestuff, a real good, seven step, a real good tent step and somehow they neverquite get it. We can't see the forest of the gym forthe treaties now. Quite frankly, I have a tendency after forty years of doingthis thing, look. As I said, the way we get a new perspective- and I know thisis true because I've been through it. I have my first sponsor used to tell mewhen to man with experience met a mot with money. The man with experiencewill walk away with the money in the mail with the money will walk away withan experience and I'll tell I mean I'll, be the bride guy in the world, but I'vehat forty years of deal with a Funan Bullshit. I've got forty years of beingin the real world dealing with real, well world problems, real word worldpeople dealing with cancer and foreclosures and money problems, andwhile raising kids and grandkids and doing stuff- and I know it's like towake up at three o'clock morning, because you have no money in the bankand give three months behind to the boar and you're in attorney and you're,making a lot of money but you're spending more money than you make,which apparently I learned you have ten years when you do that. You go insomething called that. I didn't know that, because I was always spendingmoney I didn't have the by Shit. I didn't need to impress people I didn'tlike and it was almost compulsively. I...

...don't even know. How did I get in thisjam? I made an x amount of money like how did I get in this jam I volunteeredto be in the jam, because what I learned is that the drinking is but asymptom of my of my disease, the real disease centers in my mind, not my body,I don't need alcohol to be an asshole. I doned alcohol to make horribledecisions, hurt people or anything like that. The only thing Alpel ever did forme is allowed me to live with my sorry, ass self. While I was doing it becauseI drank alcohol, because the bottom line is nothing in my life work fasterto make me feel like I was a decent human being and then I was all togetherand I was wonderful. Nothing worked faster than just a fewdrinks, and so I drank it and if it did for you what it Didee you drink it toand the that story. My story is one day alcohol stopped working for me, and soI don't drink it anymore. But the sad news about my stories and stopped workfor me about ten years before I realized it's stop on For me and Iheard a whole lot of people all the fears, all the emotions, all the allthe lust for the things of this world, all the dependencies on everything.It's around me all my constant awareness of all the fucking bullshitand everybody just screwing me over. Oh My, they don't know who they're dealingwith. Oh My. I can't believe this is happening to me again, all myself,betty all the million reasons why I should be pissed off and I a right toblame people these things, I'm not getting my own way. All that craphappened to me when I was ten years old. When I was fifteen years long before Istarted drinking I've never had any new emotions. Ever in my life, I never gotsober and also, oh, that's into emotion, never got angry before that's a newemotion. I never was greedy before that's a new emotion. I never feltsorry for Myself For oh man, I'll say I never lost it after women before I hadthat shit going on before I started drinking, I had to go on during thedrinking and I had it really going on really going on after I stopped drink one day I woke up three or four monthsober and I had a drink, and I've been feeling real good about that, and itwas three o'clock in the morning. I was worried about something and I realizedthat there was something wrong. I was crazy and that's when I started realizingthat the first step and getting out of jail was known you're in general. Thefirst place took me thirty, one years to realize I was in an alcoholic Chail, and then I spent the next forty yearsto see a whole bunch of other jails opposite, because no alcohol is not theonly thing that made me feel better about myself when deeped out outside Ifelt like worth was piece of Gran. I know I must have felt like worthlesspiece of crap now, looking back on it, because I be in the shower later enot athree years over and all of a sudden, I hear a voice in the voice say your apiece of Shit. You ought to kill yourself and I was to yourself and I'msort in Probota sins. I turned around the Sharon with the hells in the showis told me, I'm a piece of shit and there was nobody there, except for me sometimes I'm driving in a car and allt sun. I tell myself and he as all to kill myself, I'm never going to be okay.I guess that's why they put the book. Do not be discouraged. You know,because that's that you know what that is, that self talk. That's what alcoholsay themselves. That's an alcohol reputation with themselves about whothey are. It doesn't matter what I put myself out there. I know I'm worthless.I know I'm unworthy. I know that I got to have to buy this or get that or dothis or whatever it is to make myself okay and acceptable, because I am so Igin to Sep, I hope to hell. You never know who I really am because I know whoI really am and on the pcrempes bad thoughts about myself and other people,so I only have to have the TV on, but the radio on or something going on,because I can't stand silence and be alone with my thoughts, because theyare bad thoughts about myself and other people and that's the deal somethingand that's the deal, and so that's the alcoholism. I suffer from the disease,where I tell myself I to give a shit. What other people think about me andall I do is think about what other people think about me. These people,don't really people really don't care? What other people think about him? Don't ever say I don't care what otherpeople think about and just be themselves. I couldn't bemyself and I need to know what I was so I'm going to talk about a little bitabout these. The profound personality change got happen to me and what all thesesteps have to do with that and if I'm gonna and I'm ultimatelyhopefully going to get to a port rag kind of explain or becomes obvious tosomebody, not everybody that the remarkable change that willhappen in your life, O Ompare to twenty l. let me read this pendix number, two in the book atColson ones. In the first few chapters, a number ofsudden revolutionary changes were described, though, was not our intention to createan impression. Many alcoholics have neverthelessconcluded that, in order to recover, they must acquire an immediate andoverwhelming God consciousness,...

...followed at once by a vast change infeeling an album I've had epiphanies December twenty one thousand ninehundred and eighty at three o'clock the morning I thought my life was over. Iwas thirty one years old I got down on my niece and I asked Lord to come to mylife. I asked Jesus on my life. I said you know somebody came on TV. I said Iwas all alone. I thought my life was over. I was without hope, I'd fallenoff a cliff and I'd be a big deal to you before Jewish git from New York wasa big deal. I can tell you that when I picked that I had picked up mywhite ship, I think I had a almost a spiritual experience. So I've had thosekind of I've had experiences of a life that I would deem spiritual experiences. But then it goes on to say this. Among our rapidly growing membership ofthousands of alcohol is such transformations, although frequentare by no means the rule. Most of our experiences are what thepsychologist win. Changes calls the educational variety, because now this is why they call theeducational parity, I'm I I'm sure you guys are fretting this out, but you know what I thought. First, when Ifirst heard about the Education Brady, I thought what well it's going to a lotof step. Mans, it's learning from your sponsor a lotof stuff. It's still in the steps. It's like aneducational sort of thing. It's like going to means like this, wheresomebody has much time is talking. You got to educate you hear something thatyou know it's listening to people's stories, a good Aa talk or somethinglike that, the educational varieties and the more I thought about it, themore. I realized that, although all that is true, because I'm a bigproponent of education believe I've been educated far beyond my capacity tounderstand every anything when I was the most educated guy in theworld, doctorates and all sorts of stuff. Igraduated on a pelodes mathematics gone for PhD and aldrige became a lawyer andnot when I was the most educated got in the world. That was the biggest asshole and not only was an Asshole, and Iheard people- and I drank Donley- was that true, but I thought I wasperfectly okay, so the bottom line is, you can be asmart idiot. John waynes quote: Life is tough and ifyou're stupid, it's even tougher- and I had a tough life for ninety percent ofthe reekies of my life was top was because my own actions and my own brain, I could be sitting with all the moneyin the world with everything in the world and I can screw it up. Just withmy thing know feeling sorry for myself and allthe crab going on in my mind, so I'm an alcoholic. So at first I thought theeducational variety a cute word, education, I think, of college. I thinkmedias like this and although to a certain extent it's true all the education, the smart stuff inthe world. Didn't didn't. Stop me for being selfish, then stop me from being self centered.I know the book a G and the A book says it says selfshutting by that we think,is the root of our problem by hundred forms he lit on self, seeking we stepon the Toso others and they retaliate him without provocation. But we learnedthat we made decisions based on selfish, but Susan position you heard so alcohol is self won, run right. Thouusually isn't think so above everything we must get through the selfishness, and I think selfishness is a word thatcovers a lot of territory and covers words like lost. It had covers wordslike read and covers words. It covers all sorts of stuff. Like arrogance, you know it's just one word that coversa lot of stuff in my life. I know for me, this is just for me and this iswhat it says a book above everything we must get ridourselves. That's w a start kills us God makes that possible and right afterthat, the next page it says once you make this decision for God, weultimately Arlie to ban abandon ourselves to God, I'm not talking aboutwhat they tell you in the preens about box. And, honestly, I tell you the Godthing is bad or don't think about the God thing of God. Then you take a way,a newcomer, I'm not talking about what happens in you know the same, exactlywell, people's anonymous. Have you noticed that this isn't? Thank God, wehave a big one. If we didn't have a big book with all these sayings about Godand all the stuff they're saying you have to do if this was just won by an aa committee. Well, we wouldn't be around really. We really won. We something weall fall social. We all so much do not want to do this stuff or really want todo it. We all so much want to run away from. We all want us so much water,this shit down, so that it's a sort of like a formreligion without any power or form of a without power Bill Wilson.

Let me tar you where, God, as youunderstand them came from Bill Wilson in his story, says I hated the idea ofGod. I hated the idea. A lot of people hatethe idea, O God they say things in a means like well. They were talkingabout God. When I came here, I would have laughed. You know I ain't God. Youknow religion, I hate the Catholic trave, this hey, I'm spiritual, notreligious. Let me tell you something: the most self righteous people I'veever come across are in alcoholics, anons, most self righteous people that thinktheir ship doesn't stay has been an alcoholics anonymous that claim to bespiritual, not religion like they're, just somehow better, more intelligent,more spiritually, a toned and people that go to church orstarting to bio. I think I mean these are release an like. I mean MotherTeresa screw I mean these are like the real champions. You know what I mean,people who are alcoholics. Let me tell you something: I'm not spiritual, I'mone O evil son of a bitch. I've done enough. Four steps done enough. Thissteps. I've watched my life. I know I heard I know lot what I do. I know ofSi Le Baa and left my own devices exactly what kind of person I think I do. I just I've never been able to beSprat, I'm a material man. That's what bill was on said worldly clamorsunhealthy dependencies. I am a God. Let me tell you something: I don't need ahigher power. I really don't need a high PA. I real higher powers, kill methat reded over there higher power waned higher power, all so my soul for that high apour, newcar, higher power, new job higher power million donalds in the bank. HigherPower Played One magazine, ieroe everything in this freaking worldhigher power. Everything I've ever complained about in alcohol noms in anymeeting is about a higher power. It's about not hiring having a higherpower. Why don't? I have the higher power it's about that. I don't complainabout God. I don't compare about spiritual things. I complain about nothaving this. I complained about the stuff they told about the big book.They say money, property and Romance. I complain about Latch of romance like asex like a money. Like a Presto, I complained about things of this world.I come in here and I stop drinking. Let me case some. I need alcohol to bedrunk O, look good, looking by blonde a walk into a bar they're. All looking atme, I'm drunk the Shit Brand New Ferarri, I'm driving down thestreet, I'm like a drunk man, a lot of money bank, I'm a drunk the things in this world, get me drunkand give me pleasure and as soon as I leave it lose them. I sound the piece of shit out to killmyself a manager said men and women in Alcoholics, a men and women were out to destroy themselves. Now I understand, unless until not volaccepts as alcoholism, al its consequences is tried to be carious oftrue happiness of fun. Not at all. You know hers, so many people that areso not self aware of how full of Shit they V are, including me, the numberone full of Shit Guy, but I've learned the little, and so it says right here,though it is not our intention to create an impression upon. Alcoholics.Have nevere concluded that in order to cover it's got, BEA May, but it sayshere among our rapley grown membership, a thousand of outpaused transformations,so frequent are by no means the rule. Most of our fans are what we call bythe psychograms called the Educational Rity, because they develop over aperiod of time a period of time so bill. Wilson says I hate God. I hate the ideaof God. I couldn't stand the idea of a personal God to me. I couldn't sit. I Opeople talking about a person got to me and I wasn't going to buy any of it.That's what he says when he first walked in so a guy says to him. He says: Okay!Well, if you can handle that how about making up your own Don Wilsonsays I like that, and he grabs on on that an comes, andthat's not a bad thing, because that's what we need to come in here, but Iwant you to understand something: that's what Bill Wills! That's what hadto in order to get Wilson in the doors to listen. They said: okay, don't do it just takin until you make it that was hiscompromise. That's our compromise he's like a spiritual kindergarten, but someof US want to go to high school. He supposed to grow its growth andmaintenance of spiritual condition, so in any event, so here's the deal.Here's! What I've discovered is the real educational variety over a periodof time. In the twelve and twelve says the following: I've said it before I'llsay it again. The way we get a new perspective is by repeated humiliations,the final crushing of our self sufficiency. Okay, there ain't nothing like beinggiven the shit knock at herself over a period of forty years, every which wayto really drive in these principles.

It's one thing to listen to a good amy.It's one thing to have a good sponsor. It's one thing to read the big book ofAlcohol. So as not it's a it's a it's a it's a completely other thing to loseyour house an for plosion. You learn a lot of really great stuff.I'll tell you! The big book comes alive when they tell you a guy to answer thebig book. You'd be surprised how much shit you will learn in the book OpalAdamas in about this program, when you get the board when you get served withthe worse papers or when you go to jail, there's nothing like the crushing toreally drive, and you want to know what the great thing is about this deal. Ifyou don't do it right and nobody does I didn't, if you don't, do it right, thepain continues, the pain. How do you like that? The pain continues? You knowit's like it says in a book that says we learn the value of suffering. How doyou like hey? This is a great thing you guys signed up for you know we learnedthe value of suffering, it's like he guy bounced the check offand bounce the track and caused me to bounce a bunch of tracks on, and I I told everybody in the room andeverybody in the world about this sun is bound a check I couldn't get him on.I couldn't believe he bounced the track on me. I couldn't believe he did thatthat's five hundred dollar check three days. I'm talking about thisasshole tous, the check bounce, the check, nouns, the check, bounce, the CAP, man just painful- want to kill himbounce. The track could have all I to do. Every time I go to sleep, think eon an woke up a thing with that it, how I finally tell my sponsor- andhe says he says well, how would you feel if itdidn't bother? I said I don't understand the question.You said: How would you feel if it didn't bother? I said I I don't understand what you talk about, Isays: Well, how would you feel if, for den Bonny, I said what do you mean? Howwould I feel if it didn't bother, how would you feel if it didn't bothy Imean how would I feel if it didn't bought, didn't? How would I feel if itdidn't bother me like he that he danced a five hundred dollar check? He saidYeah? How would you feel it didn't bother you so well, if dinner well, didn't botherme, I feel fine, you sit there, you going walked away. You know what Ilearned. You know what I learned. You know whatI've learned over forty years. If it doesn't bother you it doesn'tbother. You know, you know why. I'm not theworse doesn't doesn't bother me. You know why I can talk like this today.Men say also it's a crazy shit and not worry. If somebody doesn't likeme what I doesn't bother me, you know what life is like. If thingsdon't bother you it's like a new freedom, it's like anew happiness. It's like being rocking the Fort Dimension, a distance. You guys still bothered about you now.Listen, I want to say I never get fun. Man, God will lay something on me. Youknow I think about the this. It dinting get being bothered for five minutes aweek and being bothered all the fucking time. There's a big difference between havinga miserable sobriety, unhappy sobriety and the walking around with things t there's a big big difference. You knowlosing fear of economic and security. Does that mean I have a lot of money?Ambactus? No, but I'm not worried about losing fear of people. You know sometimes a lot not having one.Sometimes, ninety percent of time, when I would worry about losing a car orlosing something because I didn't have the money or something like that behindall that was what will they think? What will they think of it? I'm notdriving over sins, what they think of I'm not by driving. It was all fear ofpeople I'm supposed to be or show a certain way and stuff like that. Whatdo you think if I make him as what do I think you want to share the me or I'mnot ready? Oh you're scared! No, I'm not skin, I'm just not ready, no you'rescared. What are you scared of? Well, I mean what, if I screw up and everythingI says: Well what? If you screw up what, if that didn't bother, you know,wouldn't it be great to live a life that things didn't bother you Iwouldn't that Big Bat? How would that be and think? How many times are youbothered by anything I used to drive my car and kill a million people before Igot to the office and cut in front of me they do this stuff. So I'm going to tell you to t so here'sthe deal so doctor young got the young says to Rollin hazard whohe treats for he's in the block. I'm I'm gonna assume you guys read the buck.I shouldn't assume that if you haven't been it's your bad luckas you want to understand what I'm saying, but so rollin hazard putshimself on the tooling of d young, the greatest psychiatrists in the world atthat time, in order to stop drinking very wealthy guy from New England, agoes over there. Rolling Hazard he's...

...like four months five on six months,like a big treatment, center kind of thing, with a great psychiatrist andeverything like that after six months or five months, whatever it is, theyhad him locked up. He in rank, so he says to himself his in the buck.He said to himself now, knowing the end of work into my mind, drinking isimpossible because now I know how my mind works, because I'm intelligent,because I got all of the grades because I have n't a drink in six months, nextlong to the big buck. Nevertheless, he was drunk with a three week, so he goesback to do young. This is in our book. It's conference approve Dr Young said,and he says to young. He says: WHAT'S THE DEAL I was here, I six o a blahblah blah. What's going, is there any hope what it and do young says this? Hesays you have the mind of a chronic alcoholic. This is out on son. This isa close net. This man couldn't stop drinking and even when he stoppeddrinking, he couldn't stop drinking other words. This isn't one of thesethings. This isn't one of these things. Where you take your first, you know thewhole thing. First, fring gets you drunk the first drink, yet she drunkwhy? Because the craving, because the biology cause this is not the firstprint get you drunk this is you haven't even had the first drink. Why did youpick up the first drink after six months guy as ten years in alcoholsanoms twenty years, an Alboom? This is the first drink, get you drunk. This iswhy the Hell would somebody with twenty years pick up. The first thing, becausehe's insane because we are insane this is second step says- says- believe thatI, how will restore us to sanity, because you're insane in the insanepart doesn't necessarily totally go away and if it does go away and youhave a personality change, it goes away because of that's true. But how do we get to the God thingthrough? Wonderful, wonderful and wonderful educational experience? Don't forget the educationalexperiences that I don't want you guys to miss this? I don't want you to missthe poundy. I don't want you to miss going throughthe a car once all dirty at one end go through the car,wash five thousand guys with giant fuckingMallets, beating the live and shit out of you at every turn. Ron The comparehaving the ship eat out of you by life like people that you're not gettingyour own way. You know why doesn't treat your life bosses and train yourright and denies a treat your right. The whole world is fucking going topieces, and you just hang on to that. Compare Belt and focus on God and bythe time you get to the end you get about forty years, feels like a SwedishMassan. You know what I mean. That's matters, sort of like a situationcomedy you know it's like. Was that Steinberg fine side? That'slike the snide show you know Seinfeld whatever. Who knows you know, and you say man I'm going to try thatShet again, I'm gonna go through that ride again and all song you're saying to people. Isaid well what? If it didn't bother you and the thing I said to one guy, I said what was it retief? I said I wastelling your silver. I said. What am I going to have I said on. Am I gonnahave financier I've been this for ten years, I speak a sponsor everythingthat moves yenowines. I was eight years on relay in a group backwith chairman for two years. I'm doing every everything in this thing and I'mbroke again. You know what is that? What am I going to h? I thought I'd bea multi, a Silian are by this time. He says he says what are you talking about.I said, then the promises, the promises- acant fear, Bel, economic and Strut-will leave you we'll leave you. What am I going to make the money once themoney going to come? I mean the same thing is great, but we all know thateverything would be solved if I only had a million dollars. Okay, a we allknow, spiritual thing is good and that would be de Wantin. You said what areyou talking O said: I'm talking about the promises. Fair back in Ankins will leave you. Hesays he says he says it doesn't say what youthink it ses. I said I read it all the time. What is that going to happen tome ten years he says rush. What are you talk? I saidit's in the. I said it's not in the book. I said it's in the but said: readit to me. I opened it up, I renomme says fear of people and if economic andsecurity will leave you since that's right, that's right. The fear willleave you, but you will always be from it. Justwon't bother you I well thanks for thanks for when weknow that so call young, so Carl Young says to Roland. Has It when he said he saysyou have the mind of of CRONICA. I've never been able to be successful withthat state of mind existent and no need. was there. No Hobby says here and thereonce in a while here and there once in...

...a while here and there once and a while,not all the time, an alcoholic one of nose, some its here and there once in awhile there's a six step that separates member of boys is quite a separation. You know there used to be a satest on Owith it to or not, but it seems to be true for me. He says it says only onehalf of one percent of the people that come in here stay sober and I know a lot of guys said. I have athe twenty years that are miserable, but they don't even know there is. Is it not being rocked in the FortDimension? Existence did not experience a life with joy. They got twenty years.They don't act out, they've gone to that crazy, but you wanted somethingunhappy, a mount of Thusias. You know what Imean you got to watch out, for you want to find one of them guys. So on an event, so he says he says hesays. Well, what's the deal, he says it's a God that it's a phenomena, itsays ideas, emotions and attitudes that are the dry sthis is how we describesin scientific terms of psychological terms, the educational variety. Whathappens to somebody when they change that psychic change, says ideas,emotions and attitudes that are the guiding force or a propone. The drivingforce of these men's lives are shifted to one side and they become dominatedby one set of ideas. Emotions and attitudes dominate their whole life and visionchanges. I've been trying to do that with you,but I never knew able to do with. Somebody has who's a chronic athol andhe says how does that happen? He says phenomena, it's a phenomenal means theycan it's a miracle. We can't explain it just happens. I know how it happens. You know I'm a lunchless every Fridaynight, every Saturday night, every Wednesday night, every lady's night,I'm out there look at the nail something because I wondered what shehad and I was wanting to go to any link to get it. I mean out there, you knowwhat I mean, I'm going, I'm charging I'm going, I'm going to do whatever Igot to do, because if I had her and she loved me- and I got that- and I hadthat there then I would be something instead of a nothing which is what Ialways was. I was a nothing I didn't have her. I was a nothing I didn't havean. I was a nothing I've been in nothing all my life. I used to put someon my body called Scotch a turn me Onsen, almost when you're, not inalmost this top of the world. You know what I mean and that's the deal, and so here I am and that's what I'mtrying to so. How does that happen? How does that happen that it's a Saturdaynight and I'm seven years sober and I take a new guy to an AA meeting and then we go to Denny's and we'redrinking coffee at ten o'clock at night, and I say so. What do you think aboutthe meaning- and he says well, is good he's give me he says. But what do youguys do for fun and I don't know how to tell him that I'm having a great time hells that shit going on? How does thathappen? It happens because of these steps. So Igot in fifteen minutes. You know whatever twenty minutes, so I'm goingto tell you two stories, I'm going to tell you to so, and here's the deal,here's what the steps do, what the step something ly do. So I'm going to giveyou the end before I give it the stories. This story, the the here's,what the steps do, but the stories are what our stories are. Is there storiesof victor this noise of I was blind, but now I say I was crippled now I wore I was a jerk and now I'm doing thisdeal. You know there's stories of where you look at somebody and you say: Did you hear that guy? Where did that come their stories? We say man I wish Icould do that. I wish I could be like that. There's stories about out Kenny whenyou speaking in the meeting and the guy is unbelievable. I said Man I'd like toget to that guy and my sponsor says he's dying. I said: What do you meanhe's time he's kind of cancer I said, but he was in a man. He says he got sixmonths to live. I don't know what day he speaking said, man. How do you dothat Shit and I how to stop drinking? How do you do the not worried aboutdying Shit Woa? If I get that down? Is that possible? I saw it in front of me. This wasn't bullshit. This was a guy,since I mus lier, he was dead so so, when I was and that's the deal,what happens is somehow some way. The whole thing is about getting arelationship is what it says. Let me take you home and says it all over thebook in a different way. I'll give you one section where it says it. Exactsays: How do we get rocking in the fourth night trip assistance? How do weexperience much Rabin says the great fact is this and nothingless says. The great fact is this and nothing less. That means the great fact is this andnothing less see I need the high. I don't need thosehigher powers that get be drunk that are all over me, no matter how theyneeds to go to. I need the one who has all power this one. That is all power I got tofind, not because the one that has all power will wipe out the other higherpowers in my lifee, so I won't be...

...looking at them right here. I can staymarried. What you White Bob in all that other shit. You know what I mean, but Ihave this thing called alcoholism and what my alcoholism tells me to do isdon't go there, don't open that door, don't give yourself up, don't utterlyabandon yourself. My alcoholism tells me not to do it. You know, and I hang around with peoplein a a that. Tell me don't do that. Don't talk about that! I don't like you and I'm not only anAPOLIMA. Please love me a hole. You know that's one of that's one of theworldly clamas. That's one of the dependencies I have I am dependent on myself is okay. If you see I'm okay, my whole life and who, by vision myself,depends upon what you think about N. that's a sorry ass way, I that's a piece of shit way to live life.Let me tell you something: If you don't have any more send stable in your lifethan what a bunch of alcoholics think about you, men. I feel sorry how you know I do Bob Smith and ifyou're, if you have some sort of intellectual Privat, keeps you fromthis. I feel sorry for you, you heavenly father. I never like you downI'll, tell you. The founders didn't think that way, but Bill Wilson, saying alcohol TomSome of three, the Lord has been so one ful me for me as Trevele. I got to keeptalking about a telling other people, but the problem is the people and theydon't want to hear that shit and it's all in the big book because they livein a world alcoholics and don't want to hear it just like Bilisht. First they say things like we. I er that ShitI would have walked down all it sort of crap. You know so so that's what all the steps are, Othat it's all about letting the power of God because listen to me this isnovel. This is advance Faye. This is totally advance Dae, totally advanced. I you're powerless for powerless. You have no power tochange. I used to say to myself: I'm not going to drink a and an drop, I'mnot going to drink that got drunk. The one thing you learn here is you're.Powerless O rout fall that if you come in here, if you get pound enough, youlearn your powerless over money. Your powers over cancer, your powers overthe people dying, your powers over saving other people from dying yourpalace over the red heads. Your power is over your lost your powers offeeling. You find out your palace over every fucking thing in your life andyou got to find a power rating yourself that will solve that problem and thereis one who has all power and the one that has all power is not necessarilythe one you just bade up in your mind. You may come to a point of ten orfifteen or twenty years with some sort of power you so made up like the greatfairy or whatever. It is something you play. The bottom line is: Is it ain'tquite working for you and you tell yourself it's working point because youhaven't had a drink and you live in a group of out Boston. OBIS were that'sthe most important thing, the world not drinking, and because it's a notdrinking club- and let me tell you something- this is not the not drinkingclub. If you do it right, this is the Rock and the Fourth Dimension Club,that's what the men go into, but they setain themselves from the babies fromthe children. That's the deal. This is a deal. This is you. This isnot and women people E it's, not the Rotary Club. That'scoming from Dr Bobon, a good old time, so I'm gonna tell you to so. What is aForeste to four steps? Hide you make a list, so you see how crazy you are andyou're still not going to see how crazy you are, because you got to be keep onbeing polden, because now you see how crazy you are. After two years now I amPressait, I'm crazy, but put time you get to five years and you get poundedmore and then I'm more crazy than I thought I was ten years say man I'munbelievably. I can believe it. Every year more will be revealed. We seethrough a glass darkly, the fifth O, four Stepan fifth step. We got to getrid of the fear and we got to get rid of the resentments, and why do we gotto get rid of all these things? Because I'll tell you what it says, because itcuts out the sunshine of the spirit so on time, with the cab less? What's thesink cut out the Holy Spirit cut out the spirit of God? That's a becausethere is one wis, all power that one is God, that's what's going to change you,you may think your education is going to change. You know now, what's goingto help change, you is when you experience that spiritual changebecause of the educational variety. What do they mean by educationalvariety, something that happens over a period of time? What happens over aperiod of time, DOT, boss? You know what happens? What that? What happens, what they say.The way we got a new perspective is by repeated Umiliati ons the fond questionof our self sufficiency. You know what you get over a period of time in thislife life is so let me taste some it's a humbling experience I'll. Thank youguys been alive for a while. You guys don't look like children. What is lifelike? It's tough, it's humbling shit happens. You haveyou figured out yet that...

...life was not sort of invented tooperate. The way you wanted to operate. I mean what kind of world you guys. Areyou live in a world where you get everything you want. Everything goes,okay, you never have flat tire and that kind of Shit. Well, you deliver the world where Ican't believe that shit is happening again. Why did she say that? Why do youdo you live in a world? That's kind of frustrating! Listen I'LL! Tell you whatyou get, you get repeat: the Educational Revin you get educated byrepeated humiliations and the find a crushing of your self sufficiency. You get that over ten years. Somethinghappens. You get that over twenty years. Something happens. You get that overthirty years, something that happens, the more humiliation, the more crushingthe more it happened. So ten minutes I'm going to do this. Thisis be real fast. This is a this is a ten minute story. I'm going to talk fast, ten minutestory that I was able to see after fiftyyears. Other words it took me this is thetruth. Is the absolute truth to be fifty. You know we all come in withstories and we learn in different ways is a true story, and it took me fifty years to be ableto tell I'm going to tell you ten minutes. Okay, when I was at fiftyyears after this story, I was able to tell the story you know when I wasgiven, because that's the first time I saw it. Sometimes it takes fifty years to seesomething and you believe that sometimes you got to be alive for fiftyyears to see something. So when I was eighteen, nineteen,twenty years, twenty twenty years old, something like that is living in KingsBay, apartments up here and I have next door neighbor and I was single at that time and she wasworking for the top attorneys in day county and I and she and apparently the guys carbroke down, and this guy was one of the. I can't explain to how what a bigattorney he was he was. The kind of guy was more than an attorney. He couldpick up the phone talk to the governor, using the free to pen, vans and governor whatever it is talk in guy there's a heavy hitter, and I knew about that. Hewas like eighty years old, like real maben hearing. She was his secretaryexact, something says: Would you do my favorite? We pick up my boss, his carbroke down, and I my Isadore. I knew the guy's name and we go. I go driveover to pick them up and- and you know, I've been I'm an alcoholic- I'm an ifonly are an s butter, I'm a guy who wants the biggest car. The fancies ofthe Mercedes, I want the whole bed and we drive over and pick them up and goto a maze living in a mansion figure that okay, so I drove up and hecomes in he's using a can he's like eighty years old, he get o back my Barm, we started driving, so I'm trying toI'm like twenty years old, twenty one years old, I'm trying to make smalltalk with his icon. You know what I'm making small to I said so how you doingBah Bah Bah back an O, and I said so. What kind of car you have is? What kind of car are you at? Hesays this is. I have a Cadillac O o John Si, so I said what's wrong withhe says: Well, it's in the shop! I it's in the shop, I said so so wedrive a little places. So what's wrong with he says: Oh well, it has no pointevery once in a while, because you know as like twelve years old and I have ringin everyone's walking outworking right. So now he's talking Swahili to me. I Idon't understand that I would sell my soul mortgage my life to buy cars. Ican't even afford this guy's living in a mansion he's worth millions he'stelling me he's driving a twelve year old. I mean really. I don't understand whathe s a it's like when my sponsor said. How would you feel it it didn't bother?I don't understand we. I honestly don't understand what he's Idon't understand. He just said something to me, which is not matchingwith reality, but you understand everybody I know is buying the biggestevent, and so I say to him I say what Trel. So, why do you? What do you drawthe twelve year old car rat for this? A just we be answer refirst, you guys Goin to like this. This is fucking. I beleve he says I like the car I swear to God. Is You got make thisshit out? I still I'm still lost. I don'tunderstand what he's talking about. You know why I'm lost, because I'm analcoholic, because everything about me and my self esteem depends upon thingsyou have. You know I once fit a tape. I called it, I'm not my shoes, I'm notmuch sure, I'm not my car, because I'm. What I am is what I ownand what I could choke. So now we go fifty years later: Okayand now thirty six yearss sober and...

...alcoholics anonymous, and when am I forty in you now thisyeah, so that would have been like four years ago. Three four years now- and I had represented this couple in acriminal case and is a big criminal case, and I got it they're a nicecouple and I got him on- I got okay discuss and I've had a closerelationship with them. I really like them, they like me and they they told me to they- invitedme to their renewal of bows in the Grove. Now I got to tell you something:I'm not a guy. I hate parties, I don't like parties, I'm like cocktail partiesor any that Shit, not that I think I'm going to drink. I just don't like goinginto SPANSM and drinking salts of water and stuff like that. But you know thesepeople ask me that really liked me and I like them. So I said: Okay, you,there I'll go there and the grow okay, so that night, I'm leaving my house and-and I got it- I got a Mercedes, you know and and so I get in the car and I drive overthere and it's torrential rain. I can't even explain it's the most. If you guysremember, had been stuck in the most torentia rain in Florida. That was thenight. It was like buckets and buckets of rain and and I drive the car and I and Ilove Mercedes- I drive the car and to and and and I'm a coffee. No so I driveit about it's about ten miles away. So I drive about nine miles and I decidedI'm going to stop at a McDonald's to get the club. He got the best coffee,so I topping a donald skiff copy side pulling under the overhang. You knowwhat I mean at the McDonald's on a large couple of black coffee. You knowyou know, and it's you know, I'm like an APP coffee comes and speed cons medown. I drink coffee, an eleven o'clock to night, so I can notice Le Okay, sothe BI line is like. I wanted to Cotte. I put down the water on in Mati and Iput the coffee you know in might, and I D and then I go to put the window upand win the wall. Go on. The window won't go up is to rent a rain, so I say to myself:I said I can't go to this thing. I didn't want to go to it anyway. I saidI was my young, but now I'm wrestling my mind where you told me you would gowhen you're only a mile away- and you know I'm out wet so I said I'm going totry to tough and I'll try to get over there, because I sort of went up alittle bit I'll try to drive over there, and maybe when I get the party want theas in I put out the car, so I drive over there, I managed to make it overthere. You know the wind sort. Stop, though a second I get to the parkingline the the guy puts like a hefty bag over my window. You know what I mean,because so the windows going I go in there. I do my thirty minutes in there.I, how you doing everything gray drink the Selta get out of the thing I getinto my car. Now I got to make it home nine months. Ten Miles. I'm sorry gotto make it home where you know you know, and the rain hasn't started again. It'slike missing. Okay, but I know anything it's going to happen so I'm driving tomy house down o Pothe road, okay and I got the hefty bag there and everythingin it on as Tog and I'm lying, I M and I'm praying praying. Actually. I didn'thave the empty bag Wednesday. I couldn't put a foot it there eh. I hadthe window completely open, so I'm praying God pates done now. You got unterstandsomething over last, I'm, like thirty six years, sober I've been going tochurch. I I read the Bible with doing all that stuff. I do have a I have a Ibelieve he lives. I have a personal relationship with God, my understanding,and so I'm praying to the Lord. I'm saying Lord. Please please help me outhere. Please Hol me on. Please help me out here and I'm driving I'm drivingeight miles nine miles, I'm almost home, it hasn't range yeah. I'm going! Thankthis. What I'm doing I'm gone! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you that alsothis stout comes across my mom. He says yeah you're, thank you, God, but youwouldn't be thanking God. If it was raining, I said yes, I would I wouldand all of a sudden it starts parentally raining. So now I'm driving home as fastpossible west and for some reason the rain doesn't come in because aradonhappen e doesn't come in. I Bibit my house. I put the empty bag up. You knowwhat I mean. I maaede bad on the thing, so I run in thing. I bring it over toMersas. I have at Aletosee next day they got and they give me this loanerand the lower they give me is like a brand new. You know merced brand new, random gorgeous and I'm going to meeting thatnight. You know what I mean beating like this, I'm doing a step in rowdown.So I get one of my sponsors. He comes from a Ne, I'm driving the car to BrodCounty and my sponsor my sponse looks at meand says man. This car is unbelievable. This car is unbelieve. This were Saneti,he said he says you know some. You need to get this car, so I know you can, foryou need to get this car. This is the car you need to get. This isunbelievable. I said Nan, I don't you gotta get this Crisean. I do wantto get this car. He says your car is tweve years old is twelve fucking yearsold. You get this new. Can he says he...

...says? No. I says why are you gonna ethe car and I sound like the car. I like the car. How does how do you go from notunderstanding what the Adyar of guy saying you know my car was paid off asa paid off Fer sedes I like the car. I don't need. No new car- I don't ee knowI don't need to a new car. You know you know what that is. That's a profoundpersonality change and you know why that happens not being addicted to carsand women and all this other bullshit. It only happened because myrelationship- and that only happens to the steps andgetting pounded unmercifully by life when you don't do it right. So, thankyou very much. That's a.

In-Stream Audio Search

NEW

Search across all episodes within this podcast

Episodes (82)