AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 8 months ago

Russell S. Talk 2 at the Sabal Palm Group 8/18/2021

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. Talk 2 at the Sabal Palm Group, Miami, FL 8/18/2021   

Since January, twenty five nights anyone. So I guess I'm I'm in my forty one year. I'm surprised. Seventy two years old. It's over for me. I'm a short time. I got maybe a week. I'm lucky if I get to the sale that works. And I'm a little bit about me. And I'm married for the sober forty years. Married for years. My sponsor said don't make any major decisions during your first year. So I proposing wants sober I got married. May Have Been Mistake, I don't know. I'm still working on that. And four kids, seven grandkids, self suppointing among constribution. So I've been through the deal. I've been through the deal. I mean I'm not only talking about the alcoholic drink of the drinking ship, which is really not a big deal. By frankly, white frank has not really and I just say should like that to get you upset. You know, we have a spiritual axio. Whenever you're deserted, matter what the cause, there's something wrong with deal. Did you know that? It's true. I had a sponsor once then Joe Snider was wonderful man. I've had like three or four sponsors, long time sponsors, wonderful man enters and unfortunately you know a lot of them. You know they pass away. They're all temporary. I once say asked them. I said you get resentments. He said Yeah, I'm I give them. I suppose. Man, I couldn't this pardon parcel of an alcoholic, one of the one of the the problems of an out, let's say, our twelve and twelve says in lesson, until an alcoholic except his alcoholism all its consequences, it's sobriety to be preparisive to happiness. Will find that at all. So the drinking is really not alcoholism. The drinking is a symptom. That's what our book said, doesn't that's what I find out to be true. The alcoholism is the consequences. To really get an alcoholics anonymous and with the diseases, you got to look at the consequences of alcoholics anonymous and the consequences of the things that that that basically show us over a period of years, because it can take months and years to really the first thing to understand about alcoholism. In my mind, this is all based on my experience. Mind you, I'm not trying to talk down to her, and I'm just saying I've been around for you know, when a man with experience meets a man with money, the man with experience will walk away with the money in the man with the money will walk away with an experience. And I can tell you this. I'm an alcohol them and tell you a little bit about my background. I'm shure stuff about me, but I can tell you this. No matter how smarting you think you are, we all have opinions. We all think we're brilliant. Let me tell you something. You know, there's nothing like experience. There's nothing like experience when you want to go into the the frikin jungle and you walk into the jungle and you see some guy who's got a book in his hand how to walk through the jungle and he's a graduate of him I and he studied how to walk through the jungle. And you have another guy who's dressed in tattered rags, he has no book, but he's been through the jungle tenzero times. You go to the Dudeo to the guy that's been through the jungle tenzero times and made it out a lot now with the guy with the book in his hands, and what I've learned about this thing is this as all about going through the jungle. You know, I gradually with the wants and mathematics. It's known for a PhD in Alt break topology. I prided myself in my intelligence. I love talking about the shroding your wave equation, the hind of certainty principle and all that bullshit, you know what I mean. And I ended up going to law school, become a division chief of the state's Attorney's Office, law professor and all that. So I prided myself of that stuff and that crap and thinking that I knew what I was doing almost killed me. And I've sponsored hundreds of men and work with a lot of people, and I can tell you this. It's my experiences that the guys that seem to do the work are the guys that can't get over the fact that they're not that right. You know, they know everything, that that's all they know. They don't how to keep an eye marriage together, they don't know how to raise children, they don't have to know how to do the fundamental human things that makes you a human being. And they don't know how to stop drinking. And even if they stop drinking, they feel kind of cry cry from me about themselves. You know, they're not happy with their sobriety. And I'll tell you something. My mentors were. I had one mentor that was a law professor, but most of my mentors...

...were plumbers and guys worked in the post office and things like that, and they used to call me their best their their favorite name for me was stupid. I know it's stupid because they used to say, listen, stupid, and I know, I know it's stupid. And you know, one of the things that you got to get rid of a right off the bat, as you're old ideas of the result is bullshit. It's nil until you let go after you got to get rid of this idea. You know that somehow you actually you know what hell you're doing, even though you think you know. Tell you doing the grouch in the brains form your bright ideas. You got to get rid of them. I have to get rid of them. I can tell you something. I don't get ridythm just because she told me get rid of them. I get rid of them because I get pounded like a son of a bitch over a period of twenty, thirty, forty years until I find finally say to myself, I gotta stop doing this Shit. You know, my sponsor wants asking why do you do the crap people? Why do you say this stuff you say? And I said, well, that's just my personality. He said, let me tell you some of your personalities killing him. I knew the alcohol was killing me. I didn't. How do you get rid of a personality? I've been like this ever since I was a sperm. You know what I mean. This is the way I am, this is my personality. How do you get rid of that bullshit? And the bottom line is somehow, somewhere, you got rick get rid of and that's last one. Hug on first step. I'm talking a little bit about the second stuff and open mindedness and willingness and things like that and that kind of deal, and then we're going to see where that goes. will do sort of like the second and third step and talk about different things. I'm talking about something. So you get people said, that's okay, you'll figure it out, you'll fige it. That's the way we growing here, the way you growing here. As you listen to some guy say something that pisses you off, you walk out. You say that Asshole who invited them here, that God does know me. Here's nobody talking about and then you either drink over that or you can't get me out of your mind, which is okay with me, you know, quite frankly, you know I won't remember you I'm going to have dinner, or you write down a piece of paper. Russell, he said this, he said tod because Blah, Blah Blah, and you you do what it says in the spiritual acts him. He said why to see the third and you talk to your sponsor. Than eight years now, you come up to me in something a room and say, you know, I used to hate you. Now I love because you realize the reason that you hate me and that I'm driving you crazy the same reason this whole fucking world has been driving you crazy. Why your wife drives you crazy, why your boss drives you crazy? Because you are insane, because you're crazy, and you start understanding that. The second step says came to believe that a power greater than yourself could restore you to sanity, and you ultimately realize that what they're trying to say is you cannot be restored to sanity unless you are insane. Sane people are not restored to sanity. Insane people are restored to Saturday, and that process may take more than one day, it may take more than weeks, it may take ten to twenty or thirty years. A person who drinks after ten years is not been restored to Saturity. person who drinks after five years is not restored the Saturday. person who drinks after thirty years, it's not been restored to sanity. You know, this restoration and to sanity Saturday, what you think is sanity and what sanity really is the whole different view. You know, I learned a long time ago, after hanging out with guys to twenty, thirty and forty and fifty years, that when they look at a God and they said that man is sober, they mean more than just not drinking and knocking around with those guys. And it's a miracle hung around with those guys because I have history of hanging around with idiots, because I am an idiot. I love to say by John John Wayne. Life is tough. If you're stupid it's even tougher. You know what I mean, since I made my love a lot up, so I'm just going to try here some of my experience with you about the second steven how it works, and because of that I'm going to read a couple of things to you and one of the thing, one of the things is I'm not going to sing this song, although I'd love to sing the song, but I'm gonna I'm going to reach you a song and but I want to read you something which some of these people on zoom who know how crazy I am, are going to be our final going to find this unusual. I'm a big Guy Guy. I might as well...

...tell you that right off the battom. You know. You know. Look, I'm going to talk about my spots. For me a long time ago, the way you do a good a. maybe she just be since here. Tried to be honest and and once you learn how to think that you got it make you understand itself. But I own to try to be as clear as glass. And one of the one of the I once asked that I was actually once as the guy was the attorney channel of the United States, the very spiritual guy, because I asked them because he was in wash the d saves the attorney, and I asked them because I knew his faith and I knew love his faith. I said, how do you? How do you handle talking about your faith? WASHINGTON DC? You know, and I mean we're based so sophisticated. They said, you know us. He said my religion, my faith, will not allow me to impose my faith on anybody, but I have an obligation to expose my faith. So I talked about my self. I talked about my test and one of the great promises in alcoholics, anonymous, is that fear of people in the economic insecurity will leave you and for years before come inte I suffered from fear of people in the judgment without even knowing it, because I'm an alcoholic. One of the consequence of being an alcoholic is you constantly tell yourself you don't give a shit when other people think about you. You think there's some sort of cowboy you tell other people say I'm going to crap, they think about me and you ultimately realize that to ten to twenty to thirty years that people that are constantly telling themselves I don't care what people think about them, all they do is worry about what people think about them, because the bottom line is people that really don't care what people think about them don't say shit like I don't care what people think about they say things like past the sugar or something like that. So the bottom line is a lot of this over the years, over the ten and twenty and thirty years will be sober, has to do with discovering how crazy you are. You understand it's like it's like I was in an alcoholic age with alcoholism. I break out of that cage. Somebody answer me a big book. I'm not drinking anymore, and then three months later I'm crazy and six months later I'm going nuts. Then ten years later I got a million voices tell me. Also, it's a bit shit about myself and other people. At fifteen years I'm in the shower bathering up, and fifteen years sober, I'm doing the steps. I'm saying things to myself like you're an Asshole, you ought to kill yourself. It's not excited. I'm telling myself I'm an asshole. I kill myself, you know, once the day at least, and I turn around the carn say who's saying that Shit to me, and there ain't nobody in the car. And that's me telling me what I think I am. That's my reputation me with me, I'd say, why am I saying that? I read a book called man gets himself, written by incredible psychologist whose name I escape. Me In the s right for the big book, and he said it was a whole book on suicide. And he said in the chapter on out there whole chapter on alcoholics. Is Alcoholics are men and women are out to destroy themselves. And so me, who thinks I'm the greatest guy in the world, God's gift to the world, the most intelligence, the smartest guy, and I just not calm, Nager right. I think I'm the greatest guy in the world and I have this other thought. I'm piece of Shure. You know I was. I was told long time ago if you're if you're an individual, don't and you don't know your purpose in life, if you reach thirty years old and you don't no idea what your person in life and it is no idea, you're going to be, to a certain extent, neurotic. And I didn't have a clue. I thought my personal life was get late as much as possible, to chase women, get cars, get money, to get prestigie and everything like that. And tell you, if that was my purpose. I wouldn't be an outpost, anonymous, I wouldn't have to drink, because that was not my purpose, because I was played told that was my purpose, chasing after shit to make me okay. And the reason I chase have the shit to make me okay is the one thing I knew I wasn't okay. I was unworthy, although if you told me that, I punched in the mouth, understand what I'm saying, and then I get the ship beat out of me because I was allowed you fighter. But the bottom line is is that that's my problem, is alcoholism, which goes on. After you stopped drinking. I discovered that alcoholism is a disease, that center's in my mind, not my body, has literally do with the drink.

And I used alcohol because no woman, no car, no matter of money, ever worked. It all worked that it never worked quite as well and quite as fast as just a few drinks. So I drank it. And if it works me when right now, the way it works me at eighteen years old, I've drunk. Right now, I still be drinking, but it stopped working for me, and the sad part about my life is stopped working for me about five or ten years before I realized stuff worth heard a lot of people. You know, I was a nothing, I was a nobody. I was always going to be a nothing. I put a couple of shots of Scotch in me and I became an almost and when you're in nothing, almost as top of the flipping the world. And then I took away the alcohol and I became crazy. Here's my story, micro story, and you know something. Every emotion, every fear, every problem I've had in the last forty years of sobriety I had before I was fifteen years old. I've never caught my self pity, fear, worried, because you know, anxiety, you name it. All I had before I was fifteen years old, that before I was ten years old. Havn't fought it. I didn't develop any new ones because of the boots. The reason I drank it. But I'm an alcoholic. I drink because been a drink. Drink because they like the effectives by alcohol. The rest of the area will discontented unless thinking against experience season comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks. That's why I drank. I drank because that was my medicine. I finally had to stop drinking. I started off in life insane, insane. You know when you're insane, when you're insane and you think stupid thoughts about yourself and other people, but to you they're absolutely weird real, and you hang around with people there is since sane as you are, like in the bar, and there's and you're saying you know, you're my wife, and I'm saying things like my wife who has a child, who's at home, who's been staying at home every making me dinner, and I'm going to bar at nine, ten o'clock at night and she's pissing me off because she wants to where I am. And I turned to one of my insane guys. I say, she's just me, as she keeps on kid. She wants to where I am. Why aren't I home to dinner? My insane friends what a bitch, I said. You ought to kick that outs in the side. You know what I mean. I'm an insane son of a bitch, self centered, don't give a shit about anybody except myself, but I think I'm basically good guy and people don't understand me. And so on one side of my brain I the greatest guy in the world and you don't know how how to kill myself. And the bottom line is when you have those two thoughts going and sets up sort of nervous this position, as certain murders this position. But if I drink out call like all comes together and I'm John Wayne and Brad Pitt against, you know what I mean, and I can do no wrong and that's why I'm here. And one of the consequences of my disease is that when my wife says to me, if you come home drunk one more time, I am leaving you, towld words, if you come home drunk more time, I am leaving you, and I get in my car and I'm a sober as I am right now, and I hear those twelve words and I got all this education. I drive my car three blocks and in my mind I go what the hell did she mean by that? Yeah, because whenever I hear something or I've told something, to read something I don't like, it confuses me. So I first come to alcohol synonymous and I read this book. It has all sorts of things and I see one half of one percent of it and I don't understand the rest. But I just sort of skip over and they say you read the book and I said Yeah, because I can't possibly understand it because it makes no sense. Half measures, of els nothing. There is one who has all power. That one is God. May you find him now, that one is God. May You finding out. What the Hell does that me? And so Bill Wilson says. I hated God, I hated the idea of God. I despised God. When you're talking to me about God, I despised you. You know what I mean. I couldn't I couldn't deal with it. I couldn't accept it. So the guy says me, well, here's your fallback position, fall back compromise. I should choose a good wants to make up of Gods, of you like she's a God. A grown understand is like by that shit. I'll choose one of the last made that scour...

...around in my wife, I'll love, you know, likes me. I'll don't you like that. But you want something. That's okay when you first commit, but that's actually not what the big book says. It says there is one God, there is a God that has all power, and find him now and somewhere around ten or fifteen or twenty years, when things aren't going well and things are falling apart, you realize that the God that you have chosen to be your God, the God that has all power, has all power, maybe a different deal it, and you become exactly who you're following and who you're making up in your mind. Now one of the problems of alcoholics is because of that first consequence, I said, whenever you hear or hear something or somebody tells you something that you don't like, it confuses you. You hate them. Well, if you're insane and you walk into alcoholics anonymous room, if you're an insane alcoholic thinking you're right, you will meet somebody, and alcoholics anonymous, trust me, you will walk up to some old timer and ask the questions. They'll tell you something and you will think that they're crazy. If you trust me, you'll if you're in if you have this disease and you've been operating with your brain and your best thinking and got you in here, God, you in jails and got you screwed up and back to the wars, and you come in here and you have strong passions and feelings about something, and you talk to somebody in here who's got twenty of thirty years and they tell you something, you'll think they're crazy. You might even say something like you don't understand. You might even tell me so, you might you men say you don't know me or you don't understand, and the fact is they do know you and they do understand because they've been there. The only person that doesn't understand as you. But you have no idea what this disease was really like. And there, years down the road, you might understand that deal. And that's then how it works, what the story is. So I'm going to talk about I want to read something from appendix to. Everybody likes appendance to this great thing. Well as you do whatever the hell you want to do and don't have to worry about things. So here we go. Spiritual experience. The terms spiritual experience and spiritual awakening are used many times in this book, which Jampon. Careful reading shows that the personality change sufficient to bring about recovery. The personality change. You Know Roland hazards in the book. If you read a rolling hazard who couldn't stop drinking. He thought he could finally stop drinking. He put himself on the Tulige of Doctor Young. He was there for six months. You didn't have a drink for six months. The greatest psychiatrist on world, he said. Now, knowing the inner workings of my mind, now knowing how I think, drinking is impossible. Nonetheless, he was drunk in a couple weeks. Those up, Doctor Young, says, Dr Young, he says you, Doctor Young, the greatest psychiatrist, says, you have the mind of her quantic alcohol. I've never been up and solved. I've never been able to tweet somebody like you. And if you're an alcohol can you're an ear. You're just like rolling. Those psychias will ever fix you. You board been the psychiatrist. Can't find a pill, because they can't give you a pill for honesty. They can't give you a pill for integrity. They can't give you a pill for not being an asshole. There's no not being an asshole pill. You know what I mean. Can't do it. You know what I mean. You're just going to be like being a self. Yourself sets out of a bitch and if anybody says and do you, the first thing it's going to cruch the mind and say what is he? What about me? How's this going to affect me? Why are you doing this to me? You know? And then, by way, they can't. They can't change that. They can't change you into a person. Nobody can change you in the person where when you wake up the morning, the only thought you say is thank you God. Nobody can change you when though, person, where the only thought in your mind is who can I help today? Only to nobody could change you in the person, when somebody does something or said something that's mean to you. You know something, you think they must be having a bad day. I need to forgive them. I need to love that. How can I love? Nobody can do that. No pill can do that, no AA group can do that. Nobody can do that. Only God could do that and change that alcohol any would you...

...said what Dr Young said to him? He says you need to find that thing. It's a spiritual thing, he said. He says, because you have minded an alcoholic and he said, let me tell you about this spiritual experience you can have. He says, if you do this, ideas, emotions and attitudes that are the God and force of Your Life or shift to the other side and you become dominated by holy said about good emotions attitudes. You are changed, you are reborn. That's what the book says. You're reborn. You become a whole new individual, completely different than the way you are after forty years. And I'm not done. God's not done working on me. I'm a little bit different than I was like first towards of alcoholics and I one of that's one of the problems I have. One of the problems I have is I can't talk to you the way I would talk to you with three days. I can't think or talk to the way I talk to you at three months or three years or even ten years or twenty years. I can only be the way I am right now. And did the rest job you can. As far as after the instarence, let me read this thing. The term spiritual experience and spirits awakening are used many times in this book. Upon careful reading shows that the personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism has manifested itself among us in many different forms. Yet is true. Yet it is true that for first created printing gave our many readers the impression that these personality traits or religious experience must be in nature of sudden and spectacular upheavals. Happily, for everyone this is not the case. It's a role with runnings, although I've had that shit happened to me in my life. You may have it happen your life from time toime. These epiphany. Okay, in the first few chapters I added that in, by the ways, because this is all my young cities, all my experience. May Not be your experience. You have to go with me, you know, do whatever you to your own deal. You know, in the first few chapters a number of sudden, revolutionary changes are described, though it was not our intention to create such an impression, many alcoholics have nevertheless concluded that in order to recover, they must acquire an immediate and overwhelming God consciousness, followed at once by a vast change and feeling and outlook. Among our rapidly growing membership of thousands of alcoholics and transform a. Such transformations, though frequent, our by no means the rule. Most of our experiences are what the psychologist willing James Calls the educational variety. So I did all that to tell you that we're going to talk about my education and alcohol synonymous, because that's the only thing I know about. I'm going to talk about what the educate, what I think they mean by the educational variety. You know, sometimes you just have to live your life as a human being. You know, I don't know about you guys, noticed life is not easy. Life is difficult, isn't it? Man, I'll tell you. Have you noticed that everybody on the street, when you're driving around, they're not thinking about you? Yeah, have you? Have you ever noticed that it seems to be that the only person really cares about you as you as it seems almost like everybody only gives a shit about themselves, you know, and you know in life is difficult. Sometimes you just have to go through a lot of crap just to figure out what the Hell's going on. You know. You know the in the book of and Dr Bottom, the good old timers in Dr Bottom, the good old timers, they they write this line. This is conference preterially said, this is what they did in the first five years of alcoholics anonymous, from nine, thirty five and nineteen forty, they said. The books we found absolutely essential because they wrote this big book in Nineteen thirty nine. They've been using first five years the books they found. That's essential, or first within thirteen some of the amount of the book of James. The book of James was the primary book they use in the Bible. Listen, you're until your own opinion about religion. He's just not until your own facts. That's a fact in the book of James. They almost called us the James, but this is almost called the James. But so in the book that James With the Apostle James says. He says you're ready for this, you're going to like this one. And the reason I'm telling you this is because this has to do with alcoholics, anonymous, and that's doing the big...

...book. Has To do with our program has to do with everything, has to do with the second step, has to do with your education, and alcoholics anonymous says, rejoice when you have trials of many kinds, other words, be happy when you're suffering and your asses being kicked. You understand. You're firing me. Yes, you're fired. After twenty years, your fire me. Yes, thank you so much. This is a horrible experience. My family's going to die, my life is over, but I know this is going to get me closer to God. This is. That's the way you think you'll never have a problem right. So I told my my sponsor ones. I told you this last wee I'll tell you. He says it's worth telling again because it's true. It's my story, my entirely accept the things can't change. Persian. I said the guy. I got down so the five inch dollar check and I yelled and scream all over the room for three days about the God bounced me. Five in dollars check. Can Get the God out of my mind? My swans says, well, how would you feel if it didn't bother you? One of these stupid old timer questions? That's why sponsors are so stupid. If I was with the guys at the Bar, they say you ought to kick his ass. They keep me going there. You know we be hanging them. You know what I mean. But this guy says, how would you feel didn't bother you, a question which I didn't need to this day, I didn't even understand. And he says how would you feel within body? I said, I don't unerstand what you're talking about. He says how would you feel then body? I said, Bob, I don't understand. We told me. Says how would you feel if it didn't bother you? I said I don't know. I said, how would I feel that didn't bother me? Said Yeah, how would you feel with them body? How would I feel then bother me, that abounce poblem don't check on you? Yeah, how would you feel with then bother you, of that abounce bothering you? Dollar check by you? I said, well, if it didn't bother me, I feel okay. So there you go. And he walked away. I mean, what do you do with that when your three months oh? What do you do with that, when you're three months Oh, when all you can do is think about the guy? How you want to rip his lungs out, you know. I mean how do what do you do with that? Who's the crazy person? The Guy was walking around while to kill. I want to think fresh him. I want to hurt myself. I'm drinking. I want to drink and everything. WHO's the crazy one? Hit Me, or the guy who can just walk away and it's it doesn't mean anything. You may get pissed for a five minutes and then you just go keep you sing, you being try. WHO's the crazy one? WHO'S THE INSANE ONE? You know? So that's the so the bottom line is that. So I want to talk about my education and alcoholics anonymous and what they mean by the education over right. I was just thinking the other day and so I got to talk. This is just my own life. This is the way it works for me. One of my sponsors one said you cannot Robin Alcoholic of his desperation. Every alcohol hast that his class train. I don't know how many guys you work with us. First I've worked with hundreds of UPS on relay for eight years. If they're not ready, they're not ready. It was a step before the step. You know what it says. If you want what we have and you're willing to go to any lay together, then you're ready to take certain steps. He ain't ready. You don't want what we got. You Ain't ready. You ain't willing to go to a leg to get what we got. You Ain't ready. You Ain't ready to take the steps. You Ain't ready. Some people ain't ready. You will find people in here and there's nothing wrong with it. is nothing wrong with not being ready. Not Being ready doesn't mean you're a bad person. Not Being ready doesn't mean you can't get fifty years you can have people that come in here and they collect white chips for three years. They'll tell you the how long you been an egg? I've been around for twenty years. I said, but how long IT IS SOBER? You know, three days now. Not Ready. You know what I mean. You don't get mad at it, just not ready. You can't make them ready. You can't say you know you're gonna die, YOU'RE gonna kill you. That won't make them ready. You can't make an alcohol ready. I don't know how you make an alcoholic ready. You can try, you can educate them, you can ever read the book, you can take the means, you could do everything, everything and...

...then he ends up drink. It doesn't mean you're a bad sponsor, just not ready to stop. That ready thing is like a conundrum. It's confused. Oh No, so the bottom line is so. So I there's this great song. This is great song. You know what? You know what? That's what James says. Rejoice when you have trials with many kinds because if somehow, while going through the child's you keep on your faith and keep looking at God and keep your faith, your faith, the maturing of grow. It'll grow, you'll be educated. The you'll be educated, not in mathematics. You'll be educated not in the press of law. You'll be educated not in quantum mechanics. You'll be educated and becoming a person of faith. You may be the smartest guy in the world, but you're not educating in the process of faith, in faith. You may be the richest man in the world, but doesn't mean you're going to be happy. You know, you may be the greatest athlete of the greatest actor or the greatest thing in the world. Doesn't mean you're happy. Doesn't mean you know you will be edged. You may be educated in school, you may read every book, every classical book. You maybe a smart person, doesn't mean you know shit about a faith, and faith is ties the whole thing together. What's the what's what's the use, like they say again, the whole world, if you lose your soul, if you're unhappy? One of the great things that happen to me is as a result of work in these steps and as result of loving God. Is, and I'm not saying it's one hundred percent or anything, I've pretty much lost for your people and I've lost a lot of for your econo going security, not that I'm rich. My Room one of my sponsors said you're always going to be broken. Just won't bother you. So thanks a lot. You know what I mean. He says, yeah, he says, he says. Look, one day you're going to wake up and you're not going to have all you're going to have a lot of money in the back and then going to mean they and when they're going to wake up and you can have nothing to back in. It going to be an Athel to you and you're gonna have a good day on both days, because your how you feel about yourself's not content on your bank account. It's not even depend upon what car you drive. One day you're going to be driving used cars, even though, or older cars, even you could buy a newer car, because you won't have to buy a new car to impress anybody, because she'll be you'll be just happy that you're not making car pats. You know, one day you will wake up and you won't care what kind of choose you wear or what people think about you. One day you'll be an amy and you'll say all sorts of shit that comes out of your mouth that people think you're crazy and it will bother you. You'll walk that, don't worry about what people think, that you'll be telling them the truth of the away. Think that was more to set in the back. One day you'll be sitting a meeting and you'll be able to talk about God and you won't be sitting there worried about saying God. I'm trying to use the words HP or the High Banana, whatever it is, because because you're in an a meeting with the whole thing is about God. It seemed to the relationship with the in his right and that, it says once we must get rid as somptionists, and what's a Mustar kills us. God makes that possible. We're going to talk about God. We never apologize for God. We've let him demonstrate our life. All men of faith, of courage. You make a decision for God. Once you make that decision, it's since you're also some remarkable things happened. Being Paul. Powerful will give you everything you need. It's just stay close to manformance work. What right is worked, is the work for him, and put him as a centipiece of your life, being convinced that lives in your heart and mind and way, which is indeed miraculous. He's doing for you what you can't do for yourself. See to what your relationship with image right and great event come to you and tablets others. One day that will be you and your life and you won't give a shit about what the guy is thinking next to you and in a meeting that isn't even paying your freaking Fisa Bill. You understand what I'm saying? That's the deal. And, by the way, all that Shit that's in our program that's an alcoholics anonymous. So if that ain't happening to you, you don't got it yet. I'm sorry to you don't have it, but you may have it. You may have it, you know, because I didn't have it. Men. Ten Years Sober, when am I gonna have...

...these promises? I'd have it here, in that I'd have the allside. Get a promise for a second. That's gone. I'm going to promise for to day. That's gone. I got this fear removed. Then it's gone. You know it's there. It's gone. It's there. It's got just enough of the promises to make me hungry for more, knowing that's possible. But now I'm ten years Sorbis like when am I going to stop this fucking bullshit? I'm a ten years. I'm working this thing like a son of a bitch, you know what I mean? And then I read something in the I read something in the in the twelve and twelve and says the way we get a new perspective, the way we get this educator, the way we're educated. How do you get educated in the faith? How do you get educated in the faith? The Big Board, the twelve and Tom says. It says the way we get a new perspective. One thing this in six and seven where they're talking about you know what step six is? It's except the separates men from the boys. You should. It says. The person who is is has separated out from the rest of the crowd of a a is the person who's repeatedly trying these things so we can grow in the image like this God. It's pretty heavy duty Shit, you know what I mean. That's that person, it says. The way he gets the education is the educational variety. Says by repeated humiliation. So that's does that sound like a right of Disney world? Would you go there? If you're in Disney world and you saw a ride and said repeated humiliations in the final crushing of yourself dead and the final question of your self sufficiency. This ride will kill you. It's the worst thing that you can ever do is say hey, sign me up with that soccer not well on that sucker. You know, that's how we you know what it is to learn the value of suffering. That's book of James, one of the greatest songs that I've ember heard, that I remember, is known throughout the world and everybody love said that's about Christian, Jewish and Anna. Is Amazing Grace, you know, and what everybody knows. So amazing rays, they things are amazing race. They love it. That was against amazing race. Wells alcoholics are against ranching grace, but they're you want hanging on them. They're just going to bring it down. But one of the lines, I'm going to read, one of the verses. I'm amazing grace. How sweet the sound that saved the wretch. Like me. I once was lost, but now I found I was blind, but now I see, which applies, by the way, everyone of you has everyone of you. If you tried to go out there and tell the drunks of the bars, but you found in here. Even if you have three months, they looking like you're freaking Bana, because it's because your you've been given sight. You may not have the whole picture, but you give a little sight. And then here's the third verse. Amazing grace through many day you know, think in terms of James. We rejoice on the trials. Think in terms of twelve and twelve, which says repeat, humiliations, found crushing for Sol this is the third verse of Amazing Grace. It all. It's been around for thousands and thousands. That wasn't then invent this thing. It's been around for thousands of years. That's why they read the Bible. Through many dangers, toils and snares. We have already come to what's grace that brought us, saved US far and grace will lead US home and grace will lead us all through many bullshit we've been through. But you know, God something, but God has always protected us. What do they tell you in here? Whenever you can get the crap throwne out, you say the serenity prayer. God grant me this ready, except that. What are they tell you in here? We're going to say the surrending prayer. We're going to start off going to end with the Lords. It's all about grace, asking God's grace, asking God help you through all the bullshit. I don't know. Maybe this is a weird group, maybe it's a grip alcohol that have been through troubles to relations. Maybe there's a group of Autlos that I haven't been through, toils and stairs, or maybe this is a group of people that have had the shit kicked out of them from ten four decades and somehow, some way, is getting through without drinking, because even they though, they do it reluctantly, as somewhay is, turning to God and say God help me and go into spiritual groups and as you did.

So here's my deal. My deal is this. So I'm I'm I'm a young alcoholic. I much dinner than I am right now. I was actually some people told me I was fairly handsome guy. I'm running. I'm allowinged Lizard, you know, I'm allowing. I'm sitting there in the lounge, I'm looking at the blinds when that's a redhead. My whole life is, you know, about if I only had her idea. Okay, I'm a Hif only or and he has butter and I know everything. I'm brighter than anybody, I'm smarter than anybody. I'm just I just grab a great personality. I don't God is not I don't even remember having a discussion about God. You know what, my entire life of the coming to alcoholics and out of this, because he has nothing to do with the playboy club or, you know, get an American spress card or anything like that. So I start drinking. I started drinking and finally on January twenty one, one thousand nine hundred and eighty one, I'm all alone. I Want my wife, my house, my car and everything like that. I'm thirty one years old. I think my life is over. I can't stop drinking. I'm not going to go into it's not drinking thing because I did that last week. But you know, you get to a point. I got to a point. You can't Arrout. You every alcohol past the have his last drink. Every alcoholic a Rama's does. I get desperate. I cannot stop drinking. It's Christmas Eve. I am alone. I can't stop drinking. I have the law, I have the alcoholic loneliness. Soon he went over. The loneliness. It says here and there once in a while, and alcohol maybe drive the moment. Says, you know, feel better event. We laugh at s sally. Sony sooner will drink and we know his drinking again because he's not happy with a sobriety. I will happen with my drinking, with anything. He says. He will know loneliness if you do. Have you out the guys ever known loneliness? Have you ever been the loneliest person on the planet earth? Have you ever had a three o'clock in the way where it's you're the loneliest person in the planet earth and you know it'll never change for you? Well, if you haven't gotten that, I feel sorry for you. You need to get there. You'll get there one day maybe. And I got and some guy turned I turned on a TV and some guy was preaching the Gospel. It's just my story. You don't have to do it free. Different things for different people. I got down on my knees. He said tood down your knees and ask God be guys. She's coming your life, and I did that. I said God help me. I was in there as a heart attack, which is not a big deal, but for a Jewish gift from the York it was. I can tell you that. But then, you know, you may laugh at that, but if you're in the position I was in, you would have done anything, because I was entirely ready to stop drinking. I was entirely ready to do anything, you know what I mean. I wanted what, whatever that they were given. I was one you got anything to get it. I wanted up an alcoholics anonymous. I said it, I'm home, I'm home. I didn't argue with them. Now, I'm not saying I never said you don't understand or any of that stuff ringing like that, but for the most part I gravitate to the guys that were thirty, forty years not the guys out of the parking lot smoking there. We tell them what to do and I did what they told me to do. I'm not going to go through that a whole story, so let me let me so. What does that have to do with anything? I'll tell you what it has to do with no matter how brilliant I was, how smart I was, the way I got educated, the way I got the way I got educated at the getting on my knees and asking God's help, was having the shit pounded out. I've under the question whether you can skip a grade enop box and not us, whether you can somehow, after three years, get with some guy has after thirty years. You know what I mean, like you skip school. You just study harder. Maybe you read the big bit longer, you do better fourth steps or something like that. I've come to the opinion that that we would like to think that we get mature in a A. You'd love to think we get mature in a a because we study real part well, we read the big book real well, or we memorize at all. We all we we do the steps real well, or we got great sponsors. And you know, all of that is probably true. You probably do better the more work you put into and you do. It's probably true and...

I somehow have it in my mind. You know, they say this is stuff out there called dark matter, the trying to make. They say nine percent of the universe made a DARC. Madnie can't see it. I've come the part in my mind, although hard work and putting effort in this means absolutely something. There's a special ingredient that you have to add with alcoholics of just beating the living shit out. I've got US say, as much as I hate to say, you know this idea that the way we got a new perspectives. There's a great line that said one of the one of the books I read it said. It says a man can look at something nine hundred, Ninety nine times and look at it the thousandth time and see it for the first time. You Know How many times I've been through my life and last forty years where I've opened up the big book because the Irus was coming after me or because they took all my money out of my bank counter because I was broke or going through some cancer or they found cancer, or going through something. It was three o'clock moning and I read a line in the big book that I've Read Tenzero Times and I'm twenty years Ober and I said, Holy Shit, that's the line. All of a sudden I was blind. All of a sudden I see it. And why did I see it? You know, when you want on enough, he'll show up. When the when the pupils ready, the teacher will appear. I saw it because of repeated humiliations and the crushing of my self sufficiency that God open to my mind and I was really I was willing and able to see a spiritual truth that was right in front of me for twenty years I never noticed it because I'm an alcoholic and one of the consequence be ant talk is that I'm closed minded. I like the judgment of I like to sit on my throwing contempt to say that guy's full shit. He doesn't know. I think that's that's my my default position is your full of Shit, you're full of Shit. You're full of Shit. Your Full Shit, unfull Shit? The whole thing's both. That's my default position. I come in day a again, on my knees, I pick up a white chip, I do whatever. How I do. I got three months sobriety. You know what happens to me? Let me tell you something. This is a serious disease. You don't even understand the disease. It's gone. You don't happens to me. I stopped get being open minded. I got three months. Happens me ten years? I stop being open mind, I start criticizing people. Let it go. I start criticizing people that around. Zoom. You're not going to me. I got start criticizing people. I get opinionate because I got ten years because I got fifteen years, I got twenty years. All of a sudden I'm a stupid superstar, I know. Ever, me, I get opinion about people that are that are going to church, even though it says we encourage church membership. You know, we in the big book and says we lose all prejudice against organized religion. All I do is Talk Shit about organized religion. I'm spiritual, not religious. You know, they don't even consider the possibility that you can be spiritual and religious at the same time, like, you know, like they said in the big book, like and you look at the people that Dr Bob and Bill Wilson we're looking to, you know, in the big book, like Father, read Dowling, you know, and he says our clergyman, a friendly clergyman. And we cut ourselves all these through what these think we cut ourselves out of. Look at it, all this stuff. We don't read the Bob, we don't read the spiritual club, we don't do anything because we decide a five years sobriety, that we're spirits, not religious. That's all bullshit and our mind shuts like that, you know what I mean? And what happens is it shuts and we may go to meetings, just stay sober. I meet it's to do all the work and everything, and we stay sober. We're not happy and even if we're relatively okay and we settle, like it says in the six that you wanted something, we are missing the banquet. We are missing there's a party going on out there where people have lost fear of people in economy, security and it's unbelievable. The party is going on, but we're missing that stuff because you know what happens whereas close minded as we were before, we've walked to the alcoholics and until we get crushed even more, crush. They you know people as bunch of my friends on zoom. I love this because I get to meet people that I've never met all over the planet that I've seen that have twenty, three, thirty years sobriety. You wouldn't believe that are all of a sudden. You know, they used to be...

...a commercial TV Marlborough. Are you smoking more and enjoy it less? Leave me. There a lot of people with twenty five years and alcoholics Anon the cent are not happy. They're not going to necessarily drink. They may say a few good things and may help people. Let me do a bunch of things for their happy. I've met him and all of a sudden their minds open up because they've been crushed that they heard something and they ready to hear something and all of a sudden it's almost like they first walked in the room. It says this is incorrect. I've seen with twenty year thing. This is unbelievable. I'ven't heard any this stuff because, you know, why does this stuff is talked about in an alcoholics time? It's not talk about. You're not. I'm telling you, I bet money that you won't hear this in any other room of alcoholics. That on others, probably some other things besides me, but they're all talking about the not drinking and going to meeting all that. is nothing wrong with that stuff, you know, and not being competential. That's thrown out church or faith or any of that stuff. You guys aren't getting any of that s stuff. That was the stuff they were talking about nineteen thirty five to nineteen thirty nine, nineteen forty. That's the real ay, that's the real deal. Now, thank God for us. You know, God had a great plan. Here's the great plan. He had AA. You ready for this? Lost the copyright on the big book. So as much as they try to change it, and they will change and they have changed it, you know something, you'll always be able to read the original big book of alcoholics and even if they try to take God out of it and replace with something else, and will always be there. But what I guess I'm trying to say, I guess what the bottom line is is everything I've said and all the books and everything like that is is, no matter what happens, if you just hang in here, you don't drink that little and greet that life. Think, well, you will have to deal with life. You'RE gonna have to deal with life. You're going to deal with the money, you're going to deal with the other people. You're going to deal with the wife. You can deal with a husband, you can deal with the loon is. You're going to deal with the bullshit. You know what I mean. And as it's crushing you remember whenever you discid matter what the cause, there's something wrong will, as it's drive mean you crazy and you want to blame him, her, it were them. If you're going to say sober and not be separated out, you're at some points I'm saying, why am I allowing it? Why is this stuff killing? And you're going to be forced to go deeper into the book. You can be forced to turn towards God. You're going to be forced to try to fig out more about this faith thing. You know what I mean, because your current going to keep you sober. The Mon he's not going to keep you sober. And one day you're going to walk in and you're going to have cancer, like some of my good friends on here, and they're going to put you in hospice. And then you have the real you're going to realize the real deal. You know, this is awful. All that stuff out there, it's all bullshit. And then you're going to be trying to keep play catch up with God. You know, you don't want to box with God. Your arms too short, you know. I mean the worst thing in the world is get to a point in life where you know, you know death is at the door or something like that, and you're trying to figure out this God thing. You're really now trying to figure out this God thing now. Yeah, you really want to get that thing planted long before that happens, so you have some faith, because that's got to be that's a scary I've been with people that are dying that don't have any idea of who God is. They used to laugh at people that talk about to get man of people. That's about. You've never seen more fear when a person is dying. He has no idea where he's going. You don't want to be in that position, you know so. God bless you. That's all I have to.

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