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AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 4 months ago

Russell S. Talk 2 at the Sabal Palm Group 8/18/2021

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Russell S. Talk 2 at the Sabal Palm Group, Miami, FL 8/18/2021   

Since January, twenty five nights anyone. So I guess I'm I'm in my forty one year. I'm surprised.Seventy two years old. It's over for me. I'm a short time.I got maybe a week. I'm lucky if I get to the sale thatworks. And I'm a little bit about me. And I'm married for thesober forty years. Married for years. My sponsor said don't make any majordecisions during your first year. So I proposing wants sober I got married.May Have Been Mistake, I don't know. I'm still working on that. Andfour kids, seven grandkids, self suppointing among constribution. So I've beenthrough the deal. I've been through the deal. I mean I'm not onlytalking about the alcoholic drink of the drinking ship, which is really not abig deal. By frankly, white frank has not really and I just sayshould like that to get you upset. You know, we have a spiritualaxio. Whenever you're deserted, matter what the cause, there's something wrong withdeal. Did you know that? It's true. I had a sponsor oncethen Joe Snider was wonderful man. I've had like three or four sponsors,long time sponsors, wonderful man enters and unfortunately you know a lot of them. You know they pass away. They're all temporary. I once say askedthem. I said you get resentments. He said Yeah, I'm I givethem. I suppose. Man, I couldn't this pardon parcel of an alcoholic, one of the one of the the problems of an out, let's say, our twelve and twelve says in lesson, until an alcoholic except his alcoholism allits consequences, it's sobriety to be preparisive to happiness. Will find thatat all. So the drinking is really not alcoholism. The drinking is asymptom. That's what our book said, doesn't that's what I find out tobe true. The alcoholism is the consequences. To really get an alcoholics anonymous andwith the diseases, you got to look at the consequences of alcoholics anonymousand the consequences of the things that that that basically show us over a periodof years, because it can take months and years to really the first thingto understand about alcoholism. In my mind, this is all based on my experience. Mind you, I'm not trying to talk down to her, andI'm just saying I've been around for you know, when a man with experiencemeets a man with money, the man with experience will walk away with themoney in the man with the money will walk away with an experience. AndI can tell you this. I'm an alcohol them and tell you a littlebit about my background. I'm shure stuff about me, but I can tellyou this. No matter how smarting you think you are, we all haveopinions. We all think we're brilliant. Let me tell you something. Youknow, there's nothing like experience. There's nothing like experience when you want togo into the the frikin jungle and you walk into the jungle and you seesome guy who's got a book in his hand how to walk through the jungleand he's a graduate of him I and he studied how to walk through thejungle. And you have another guy who's dressed in tattered rags, he hasno book, but he's been through the jungle tenzero times. You go tothe Dudeo to the guy that's been through the jungle tenzero times and made itout a lot now with the guy with the book in his hands, andwhat I've learned about this thing is this as all about going through the jungle. You know, I gradually with the wants and mathematics. It's known fora PhD in Alt break topology. I prided myself in my intelligence. Ilove talking about the shroding your wave equation, the hind of certainty principle and allthat bullshit, you know what I mean. And I ended up goingto law school, become a division chief of the state's Attorney's Office, lawprofessor and all that. So I prided myself of that stuff and that crapand thinking that I knew what I was doing almost killed me. And I'vesponsored hundreds of men and work with a lot of people, and I cantell you this. It's my experiences that the guys that seem to do thework are the guys that can't get over the fact that they're not that right. You know, they know everything, that that's all they know. Theydon't how to keep an eye marriage together, they don't know how to raise children, they don't have to know how to do the fundamental human things thatmakes you a human being. And they don't know how to stop drinking.And even if they stop drinking, they feel kind of cry cry from meabout themselves. You know, they're not happy with their sobriety. And I'lltell you something. My mentors were. I had one mentor that was alaw professor, but most of my mentors...

...were plumbers and guys worked in thepost office and things like that, and they used to call me their besttheir their favorite name for me was stupid. I know it's stupid because they usedto say, listen, stupid, and I know, I know it'sstupid. And you know, one of the things that you got to getrid of a right off the bat, as you're old ideas of the resultis bullshit. It's nil until you let go after you got to get ridof this idea. You know that somehow you actually you know what hell you'redoing, even though you think you know. Tell you doing the grouch in thebrains form your bright ideas. You got to get rid of them.I have to get rid of them. I can tell you something. Idon't get ridythm just because she told me get rid of them. I getrid of them because I get pounded like a son of a bitch over aperiod of twenty, thirty, forty years until I find finally say to myself, I gotta stop doing this Shit. You know, my sponsor wants askingwhy do you do the crap people? Why do you say this stuff yousay? And I said, well, that's just my personality. He said, let me tell you some of your personalities killing him. I knew thealcohol was killing me. I didn't. How do you get rid of apersonality? I've been like this ever since I was a sperm. You knowwhat I mean. This is the way I am, this is my personality. How do you get rid of that bullshit? And the bottom line issomehow, somewhere, you got rick get rid of and that's last one.Hug on first step. I'm talking a little bit about the second stuff andopen mindedness and willingness and things like that and that kind of deal, andthen we're going to see where that goes. will do sort of like the secondand third step and talk about different things. I'm talking about something.So you get people said, that's okay, you'll figure it out, you'll figeit. That's the way we growing here, the way you growing here. As you listen to some guy say something that pisses you off, youwalk out. You say that Asshole who invited them here, that God doesknow me. Here's nobody talking about and then you either drink over that oryou can't get me out of your mind, which is okay with me, youknow, quite frankly, you know I won't remember you I'm going tohave dinner, or you write down a piece of paper. Russell, hesaid this, he said tod because Blah, Blah Blah, and you you dowhat it says in the spiritual acts him. He said why to seethe third and you talk to your sponsor. Than eight years now, you comeup to me in something a room and say, you know, Iused to hate you. Now I love because you realize the reason that youhate me and that I'm driving you crazy the same reason this whole fucking worldhas been driving you crazy. Why your wife drives you crazy, why yourboss drives you crazy? Because you are insane, because you're crazy, andyou start understanding that. The second step says came to believe that a powergreater than yourself could restore you to sanity, and you ultimately realize that what they'retrying to say is you cannot be restored to sanity unless you are insane. Sane people are not restored to sanity. Insane people are restored to Saturday,and that process may take more than one day, it may take morethan weeks, it may take ten to twenty or thirty years. A personwho drinks after ten years is not been restored to Saturity. person who drinksafter five years is not restored the Saturday. person who drinks after thirty years,it's not been restored to sanity. You know, this restoration and tosanity Saturday, what you think is sanity and what sanity really is the wholedifferent view. You know, I learned a long time ago, after hangingout with guys to twenty, thirty and forty and fifty years, that whenthey look at a God and they said that man is sober, they meanmore than just not drinking and knocking around with those guys. And it's amiracle hung around with those guys because I have history of hanging around with idiots, because I am an idiot. I love to say by John John Wayne. Life is tough. If you're stupid it's even tougher. You know whatI mean, since I made my love a lot up, so I'm justgoing to try here some of my experience with you about the second steven howit works, and because of that I'm going to read a couple of thingsto you and one of the thing, one of the things is I'm notgoing to sing this song, although I'd love to sing the song, butI'm gonna I'm going to reach you a song and but I want to readyou something which some of these people on zoom who know how crazy I am, are going to be our final going to find this unusual. I'm abig Guy Guy. I might as well...

...tell you that right off the battom. You know. You know. Look, I'm going to talk about my spots. For me a long time ago, the way you do a good a. maybe she just be since here. Tried to be honest and and onceyou learn how to think that you got it make you understand itself.But I own to try to be as clear as glass. And one ofthe one of the I once asked that I was actually once as the guywas the attorney channel of the United States, the very spiritual guy, because Iasked them because he was in wash the d saves the attorney, andI asked them because I knew his faith and I knew love his faith.I said, how do you? How do you handle talking about your faith? WASHINGTON DC? You know, and I mean we're based so sophisticated.They said, you know us. He said my religion, my faith,will not allow me to impose my faith on anybody, but I have anobligation to expose my faith. So I talked about my self. I talkedabout my test and one of the great promises in alcoholics, anonymous, isthat fear of people in the economic insecurity will leave you and for years beforecome inte I suffered from fear of people in the judgment without even knowing it, because I'm an alcoholic. One of the consequence of being an alcoholic isyou constantly tell yourself you don't give a shit when other people think about you. You think there's some sort of cowboy you tell other people say I'm goingto crap, they think about me and you ultimately realize that to ten totwenty to thirty years that people that are constantly telling themselves I don't care whatpeople think about them, all they do is worry about what people think aboutthem, because the bottom line is people that really don't care what people thinkabout them don't say shit like I don't care what people think about they saythings like past the sugar or something like that. So the bottom line isa lot of this over the years, over the ten and twenty and thirtyyears will be sober, has to do with discovering how crazy you are.You understand it's like it's like I was in an alcoholic age with alcoholism.I break out of that cage. Somebody answer me a big book. I'mnot drinking anymore, and then three months later I'm crazy and six months laterI'm going nuts. Then ten years later I got a million voices tell me. Also, it's a bit shit about myself and other people. At fifteenyears I'm in the shower bathering up, and fifteen years sober, I'm doingthe steps. I'm saying things to myself like you're an Asshole, you oughtto kill yourself. It's not excited. I'm telling myself I'm an asshole.I kill myself, you know, once the day at least, and Iturn around the carn say who's saying that Shit to me, and there ain'tnobody in the car. And that's me telling me what I think I am. That's my reputation me with me, I'd say, why am I sayingthat? I read a book called man gets himself, written by incredible psychologistwhose name I escape. Me In the s right for the big book,and he said it was a whole book on suicide. And he said inthe chapter on out there whole chapter on alcoholics. Is Alcoholics are men andwomen are out to destroy themselves. And so me, who thinks I'm thegreatest guy in the world, God's gift to the world, the most intelligence, the smartest guy, and I just not calm, Nager right. Ithink I'm the greatest guy in the world and I have this other thought.I'm piece of Shure. You know I was. I was told long timeago if you're if you're an individual, don't and you don't know your purposein life, if you reach thirty years old and you don't no idea whatyour person in life and it is no idea, you're going to be,to a certain extent, neurotic. And I didn't have a clue. Ithought my personal life was get late as much as possible, to chase women, get cars, get money, to get prestigie and everything like that.And tell you, if that was my purpose. I wouldn't be an outpost, anonymous, I wouldn't have to drink, because that was not my purpose,because I was played told that was my purpose, chasing after shit tomake me okay. And the reason I chase have the shit to make meokay is the one thing I knew I wasn't okay. I was unworthy,although if you told me that, I punched in the mouth, understand whatI'm saying, and then I get the ship beat out of me because Iwas allowed you fighter. But the bottom line is is that that's my problem, is alcoholism, which goes on. After you stopped drinking. I discoveredthat alcoholism is a disease, that center's in my mind, not my body, has literally do with the drink.

And I used alcohol because no woman, no car, no matter of money, ever worked. It all worked thatit never worked quite as well and quite as fast as just a fewdrinks. So I drank it. And if it works me when right now, the way it works me at eighteen years old, I've drunk. Rightnow, I still be drinking, but it stopped working for me, andthe sad part about my life is stopped working for me about five or tenyears before I realized stuff worth heard a lot of people. You know,I was a nothing, I was a nobody. I was always going tobe a nothing. I put a couple of shots of Scotch in me andI became an almost and when you're in nothing, almost as top of theflipping the world. And then I took away the alcohol and I became crazy. Here's my story, micro story, and you know something. Every emotion, every fear, every problem I've had in the last forty years of sobrietyI had before I was fifteen years old. I've never caught my self pity,fear, worried, because you know, anxiety, you name it. AllI had before I was fifteen years old, that before I was tenyears old. Havn't fought it. I didn't develop any new ones because ofthe boots. The reason I drank it. But I'm an alcoholic. I drinkbecause been a drink. Drink because they like the effectives by alcohol.The rest of the area will discontented unless thinking against experience season comfort which comesat once by taking a few drinks. That's why I drank. I drankbecause that was my medicine. I finally had to stop drinking. I startedoff in life insane, insane. You know when you're insane, when you'reinsane and you think stupid thoughts about yourself and other people, but to youthey're absolutely weird real, and you hang around with people there is since saneas you are, like in the bar, and there's and you're saying you know, you're my wife, and I'm saying things like my wife who hasa child, who's at home, who's been staying at home every making medinner, and I'm going to bar at nine, ten o'clock at night andshe's pissing me off because she wants to where I am. And I turnedto one of my insane guys. I say, she's just me, asshe keeps on kid. She wants to where I am. Why aren't Ihome to dinner? My insane friends what a bitch, I said. Youought to kick that outs in the side. You know what I mean. I'man insane son of a bitch, self centered, don't give a shitabout anybody except myself, but I think I'm basically good guy and people don'tunderstand me. And so on one side of my brain I the greatest guyin the world and you don't know how how to kill myself. And thebottom line is when you have those two thoughts going and sets up sort ofnervous this position, as certain murders this position. But if I drink outcall like all comes together and I'm John Wayne and Brad Pitt against, youknow what I mean, and I can do no wrong and that's why I'mhere. And one of the consequences of my disease is that when my wifesays to me, if you come home drunk one more time, I amleaving you, towld words, if you come home drunk more time, Iam leaving you, and I get in my car and I'm a sober asI am right now, and I hear those twelve words and I got allthis education. I drive my car three blocks and in my mind I gowhat the hell did she mean by that? Yeah, because whenever I hear somethingor I've told something, to read something I don't like, it confusesme. So I first come to alcohol synonymous and I read this book.It has all sorts of things and I see one half of one percent ofit and I don't understand the rest. But I just sort of skip overand they say you read the book and I said Yeah, because I can'tpossibly understand it because it makes no sense. Half measures, of els nothing.There is one who has all power. That one is God. May youfind him now, that one is God. May You finding out.What the Hell does that me? And so Bill Wilson says. I hatedGod, I hated the idea of God. I despised God. When you're talkingto me about God, I despised you. You know what I mean. I couldn't I couldn't deal with it. I couldn't accept it. So theguy says me, well, here's your fallback position, fall back compromise. I should choose a good wants to make up of Gods, of youlike she's a God. A grown understand is like by that shit. I'llchoose one of the last made that scour...

...around in my wife, I'll love, you know, likes me. I'll don't you like that. But youwant something. That's okay when you first commit, but that's actually not whatthe big book says. It says there is one God, there is aGod that has all power, and find him now and somewhere around ten orfifteen or twenty years, when things aren't going well and things are falling apart, you realize that the God that you have chosen to be your God,the God that has all power, has all power, maybe a different dealit, and you become exactly who you're following and who you're making up inyour mind. Now one of the problems of alcoholics is because of that firstconsequence, I said, whenever you hear or hear something or somebody tells yousomething that you don't like, it confuses you. You hate them. Well, if you're insane and you walk into alcoholics anonymous room, if you're aninsane alcoholic thinking you're right, you will meet somebody, and alcoholics anonymous,trust me, you will walk up to some old timer and ask the questions. They'll tell you something and you will think that they're crazy. If youtrust me, you'll if you're in if you have this disease and you've beenoperating with your brain and your best thinking and got you in here, God, you in jails and got you screwed up and back to the wars,and you come in here and you have strong passions and feelings about something,and you talk to somebody in here who's got twenty of thirty years and theytell you something, you'll think they're crazy. You might even say something like youdon't understand. You might even tell me so, you might you mensay you don't know me or you don't understand, and the fact is theydo know you and they do understand because they've been there. The only personthat doesn't understand as you. But you have no idea what this disease wasreally like. And there, years down the road, you might understand thatdeal. And that's then how it works, what the story is. So I'mgoing to talk about I want to read something from appendix to. Everybodylikes appendance to this great thing. Well as you do whatever the hell youwant to do and don't have to worry about things. So here we go. Spiritual experience. The terms spiritual experience and spiritual awakening are used many timesin this book, which Jampon. Careful reading shows that the personality change sufficientto bring about recovery. The personality change. You Know Roland hazards in the book. If you read a rolling hazard who couldn't stop drinking. He thoughthe could finally stop drinking. He put himself on the Tulige of Doctor Young. He was there for six months. You didn't have a drink for sixmonths. The greatest psychiatrist on world, he said. Now, knowing theinner workings of my mind, now knowing how I think, drinking is impossible. Nonetheless, he was drunk in a couple weeks. Those up, DoctorYoung, says, Dr Young, he says you, Doctor Young, thegreatest psychiatrist, says, you have the mind of her quantic alcohol. I'venever been up and solved. I've never been able to tweet somebody like you. And if you're an alcohol can you're an ear. You're just like rolling. Those psychias will ever fix you. You board been the psychiatrist. Can'tfind a pill, because they can't give you a pill for honesty. Theycan't give you a pill for integrity. They can't give you a pill fornot being an asshole. There's no not being an asshole pill. You knowwhat I mean. Can't do it. You know what I mean. You'rejust going to be like being a self. Yourself sets out of a bitch andif anybody says and do you, the first thing it's going to cruchthe mind and say what is he? What about me? How's this goingto affect me? Why are you doing this to me? You know?And then, by way, they can't. They can't change that. They can'tchange you into a person. Nobody can change you in the person wherewhen you wake up the morning, the only thought you say is thank youGod. Nobody can change you when though, person, where the only thought inyour mind is who can I help today? Only to nobody could changeyou in the person, when somebody does something or said something that's mean toyou. You know something, you think they must be having a bad day. I need to forgive them. I need to love that. How canI love? Nobody can do that. No pill can do that, noAA group can do that. Nobody can do that. Only God could dothat and change that alcohol any would you...

...said what Dr Young said to him? He says you need to find that thing. It's a spiritual thing,he said. He says, because you have minded an alcoholic and he said, let me tell you about this spiritual experience you can have. He says, if you do this, ideas, emotions and attitudes that are the Godand force of Your Life or shift to the other side and you become dominatedby holy said about good emotions attitudes. You are changed, you are reborn. That's what the book says. You're reborn. You become a whole newindividual, completely different than the way you are after forty years. And I'mnot done. God's not done working on me. I'm a little bit differentthan I was like first towards of alcoholics and I one of that's one ofthe problems I have. One of the problems I have is I can't talkto you the way I would talk to you with three days. I can'tthink or talk to the way I talk to you at three months or threeyears or even ten years or twenty years. I can only be the way Iam right now. And did the rest job you can. As faras after the instarence, let me read this thing. The term spiritual experienceand spirits awakening are used many times in this book. Upon careful reading showsthat the personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism has manifested itself amongus in many different forms. Yet is true. Yet it is true thatfor first created printing gave our many readers the impression that these personality traits orreligious experience must be in nature of sudden and spectacular upheavals. Happily, foreveryone this is not the case. It's a role with runnings, although I'vehad that shit happened to me in my life. You may have it happenyour life from time toime. These epiphany. Okay, in the first few chaptersI added that in, by the ways, because this is all myyoung cities, all my experience. May Not be your experience. You haveto go with me, you know, do whatever you to your own deal. You know, in the first few chapters a number of sudden, revolutionarychanges are described, though it was not our intention to create such an impression, many alcoholics have nevertheless concluded that in order to recover, they must acquirean immediate and overwhelming God consciousness, followed at once by a vast change andfeeling and outlook. Among our rapidly growing membership of thousands of alcoholics and transforma. Such transformations, though frequent, our by no means the rule.Most of our experiences are what the psychologist willing James Calls the educational variety.So I did all that to tell you that we're going to talk about myeducation and alcohol synonymous, because that's the only thing I know about. I'mgoing to talk about what the educate, what I think they mean by theeducational variety. You know, sometimes you just have to live your life asa human being. You know, I don't know about you guys, noticedlife is not easy. Life is difficult, isn't it? Man, I'll tellyou. Have you noticed that everybody on the street, when you're drivingaround, they're not thinking about you? Yeah, have you? Have youever noticed that it seems to be that the only person really cares about youas you as it seems almost like everybody only gives a shit about themselves,you know, and you know in life is difficult. Sometimes you just haveto go through a lot of crap just to figure out what the Hell's goingon. You know. You know the in the book of and Dr Bottom, the good old timers in Dr Bottom, the good old timers, they theywrite this line. This is conference preterially said, this is what theydid in the first five years of alcoholics anonymous, from nine, thirty fiveand nineteen forty, they said. The books we found absolutely essential because theywrote this big book in Nineteen thirty nine. They've been using first five years thebooks they found. That's essential, or first within thirteen some of theamount of the book of James. The book of James was the primary bookthey use in the Bible. Listen, you're until your own opinion about religion. He's just not until your own facts. That's a fact in the book ofJames. They almost called us the James, but this is almost calledthe James. But so in the book that James With the Apostle James says. He says you're ready for this, you're going to like this one.And the reason I'm telling you this is because this has to do with alcoholics, anonymous, and that's doing the big...

...book. Has To do with ourprogram has to do with everything, has to do with the second step,has to do with your education, and alcoholics anonymous says, rejoice when youhave trials of many kinds, other words, be happy when you're suffering and yourasses being kicked. You understand. You're firing me. Yes, you'refired. After twenty years, your fire me. Yes, thank you somuch. This is a horrible experience. My family's going to die, mylife is over, but I know this is going to get me closer toGod. This is. That's the way you think you'll never have a problemright. So I told my my sponsor ones. I told you this lastwee I'll tell you. He says it's worth telling again because it's true.It's my story, my entirely accept the things can't change. Persian. Isaid the guy. I got down so the five inch dollar check and Iyelled and scream all over the room for three days about the God bounced me. Five in dollars check. Can Get the God out of my mind?My swans says, well, how would you feel if it didn't bother you? One of these stupid old timer questions? That's why sponsors are so stupid.If I was with the guys at the Bar, they say you oughtto kick his ass. They keep me going there. You know we behanging them. You know what I mean. But this guy says, how wouldyou feel didn't bother you, a question which I didn't need to thisday, I didn't even understand. And he says how would you feel withinbody? I said, I don't unerstand what you're talking about. He sayshow would you feel then body? I said, Bob, I don't understand. We told me. Says how would you feel if it didn't bother you? I said I don't know. I said, how would I feel thatdidn't bother me? Said Yeah, how would you feel with them body?How would I feel then bother me, that abounce poblem don't check on you? Yeah, how would you feel with then bother you, of that abouncebothering you? Dollar check by you? I said, well, if itdidn't bother me, I feel okay. So there you go. And hewalked away. I mean, what do you do with that when your threemonths oh? What do you do with that, when you're three months Oh, when all you can do is think about the guy? How you wantto rip his lungs out, you know. I mean how do what do youdo with that? Who's the crazy person? The Guy was walking aroundwhile to kill. I want to think fresh him. I want to hurtmyself. I'm drinking. I want to drink and everything. WHO's the crazyone? Hit Me, or the guy who can just walk away and it'sit doesn't mean anything. You may get pissed for a five minutes and thenyou just go keep you sing, you being try. WHO's the crazy one? WHO'S THE INSANE ONE? You know? So that's the so the bottom lineis that. So I want to talk about my education and alcoholics anonymousand what they mean by the education over right. I was just thinking theother day and so I got to talk. This is just my own life.This is the way it works for me. One of my sponsors onesaid you cannot Robin Alcoholic of his desperation. Every alcohol hast that his class train. I don't know how many guys you work with us. First I'veworked with hundreds of UPS on relay for eight years. If they're not ready, they're not ready. It was a step before the step. You knowwhat it says. If you want what we have and you're willing to goto any lay together, then you're ready to take certain steps. He ain'tready. You don't want what we got. You Ain't ready. You ain't willingto go to a leg to get what we got. You Ain't ready. You Ain't ready to take the steps. You Ain't ready. Some people ain'tready. You will find people in here and there's nothing wrong with it. is nothing wrong with not being ready. Not Being ready doesn't mean you're abad person. Not Being ready doesn't mean you can't get fifty years youcan have people that come in here and they collect white chips for three years. They'll tell you the how long you been an egg? I've been aroundfor twenty years. I said, but how long IT IS SOBER? Youknow, three days now. Not Ready. You know what I mean. Youdon't get mad at it, just not ready. You can't make themready. You can't say you know you're gonna die, YOU'RE gonna kill you. That won't make them ready. You can't make an alcohol ready. Idon't know how you make an alcoholic ready. You can try, you can educatethem, you can ever read the book, you can take the means, you could do everything, everything and...

...then he ends up drink. Itdoesn't mean you're a bad sponsor, just not ready to stop. That readything is like a conundrum. It's confused. Oh No, so the bottom lineis so. So I there's this great song. This is great song. You know what? You know what? That's what James says. Rejoice whenyou have trials with many kinds because if somehow, while going through thechild's you keep on your faith and keep looking at God and keep your faith, your faith, the maturing of grow. It'll grow, you'll be educated.The you'll be educated, not in mathematics. You'll be educated not inthe press of law. You'll be educated not in quantum mechanics. You'll beeducated and becoming a person of faith. You may be the smartest guy inthe world, but you're not educating in the process of faith, in faith. You may be the richest man in the world, but doesn't mean you'regoing to be happy. You know, you may be the greatest athlete ofthe greatest actor or the greatest thing in the world. Doesn't mean you're happy. Doesn't mean you know you will be edged. You may be educated inschool, you may read every book, every classical book. You maybe asmart person, doesn't mean you know shit about a faith, and faith isties the whole thing together. What's the what's what's the use, like theysay again, the whole world, if you lose your soul, if you'reunhappy? One of the great things that happen to me is as a resultof work in these steps and as result of loving God. Is, andI'm not saying it's one hundred percent or anything, I've pretty much lost foryour people and I've lost a lot of for your econo going security, notthat I'm rich. My Room one of my sponsors said you're always going tobe broken. Just won't bother you. So thanks a lot. You knowwhat I mean. He says, yeah, he says, he says. Look, one day you're going to wake up and you're not going to haveall you're going to have a lot of money in the back and then goingto mean they and when they're going to wake up and you can have nothingto back in. It going to be an Athel to you and you're gonnahave a good day on both days, because your how you feel about yourself'snot content on your bank account. It's not even depend upon what car youdrive. One day you're going to be driving used cars, even though,or older cars, even you could buy a newer car, because you won'thave to buy a new car to impress anybody, because she'll be you'll bejust happy that you're not making car pats. You know, one day you willwake up and you won't care what kind of choose you wear or whatpeople think about you. One day you'll be an amy and you'll say allsorts of shit that comes out of your mouth that people think you're crazy andit will bother you. You'll walk that, don't worry about what people think,that you'll be telling them the truth of the away. Think that wasmore to set in the back. One day you'll be sitting a meeting andyou'll be able to talk about God and you won't be sitting there worried aboutsaying God. I'm trying to use the words HP or the High Banana,whatever it is, because because you're in an a meeting with the whole thingis about God. It seemed to the relationship with the in his right andthat, it says once we must get rid as somptionists, and what's aMustar kills us. God makes that possible. We're going to talk about God.We never apologize for God. We've let him demonstrate our life. Allmen of faith, of courage. You make a decision for God. Onceyou make that decision, it's since you're also some remarkable things happened. BeingPaul. Powerful will give you everything you need. It's just stay close tomanformance work. What right is worked, is the work for him, andput him as a centipiece of your life, being convinced that lives in your heartand mind and way, which is indeed miraculous. He's doing for youwhat you can't do for yourself. See to what your relationship with image rightand great event come to you and tablets others. One day that will beyou and your life and you won't give a shit about what the guy isthinking next to you and in a meeting that isn't even paying your freaking FisaBill. You understand what I'm saying? That's the deal. And, bythe way, all that Shit that's in our program that's an alcoholics anonymous.So if that ain't happening to you, you don't got it yet. I'msorry to you don't have it, but you may have it. You mayhave it, you know, because I didn't have it. Men. TenYears Sober, when am I gonna have...

...these promises? I'd have it here, in that I'd have the allside. Get a promise for a second.That's gone. I'm going to promise for to day. That's gone. Igot this fear removed. Then it's gone. You know it's there. It's gone. It's there. It's got just enough of the promises to make mehungry for more, knowing that's possible. But now I'm ten years Sorbis likewhen am I going to stop this fucking bullshit? I'm a ten years.I'm working this thing like a son of a bitch, you know what Imean? And then I read something in the I read something in the inthe twelve and twelve and says the way we get a new perspective, theway we get this educator, the way we're educated. How do you geteducated in the faith? How do you get educated in the faith? TheBig Board, the twelve and Tom says. It says the way we get anew perspective. One thing this in six and seven where they're talking aboutyou know what step six is? It's except the separates men from the boys. You should. It says. The person who is is has separated outfrom the rest of the crowd of a a is the person who's repeatedly tryingthese things so we can grow in the image like this God. It's prettyheavy duty Shit, you know what I mean. That's that person, itsays. The way he gets the education is the educational variety. Says byrepeated humiliation. So that's does that sound like a right of Disney world?Would you go there? If you're in Disney world and you saw a rideand said repeated humiliations in the final crushing of yourself dead and the final questionof your self sufficiency. This ride will kill you. It's the worst thingthat you can ever do is say hey, sign me up with that soccer notwell on that sucker. You know, that's how we you know what itis to learn the value of suffering. That's book of James, one ofthe greatest songs that I've ember heard, that I remember, is known throughoutthe world and everybody love said that's about Christian, Jewish and Anna.Is Amazing Grace, you know, and what everybody knows. So amazing rays, they things are amazing race. They love it. That was against amazingrace. Wells alcoholics are against ranching grace, but they're you want hanging on them. They're just going to bring it down. But one of the lines, I'm going to read, one of the verses. I'm amazing grace.How sweet the sound that saved the wretch. Like me. I once was lost, but now I found I was blind, but now I see,which applies, by the way, everyone of you has everyone of you.If you tried to go out there and tell the drunks of the bars,but you found in here. Even if you have three months, they lookinglike you're freaking Bana, because it's because your you've been given sight. Youmay not have the whole picture, but you give a little sight. Andthen here's the third verse. Amazing grace through many day you know, thinkin terms of James. We rejoice on the trials. Think in terms oftwelve and twelve, which says repeat, humiliations, found crushing for Sol thisis the third verse of Amazing Grace. It all. It's been around forthousands and thousands. That wasn't then invent this thing. It's been around forthousands of years. That's why they read the Bible. Through many dangers,toils and snares. We have already come to what's grace that brought us,saved US far and grace will lead US home and grace will lead us allthrough many bullshit we've been through. But you know, God something, butGod has always protected us. What do they tell you in here? Wheneveryou can get the crap throwne out, you say the serenity prayer. Godgrant me this ready, except that. What are they tell you in here? We're going to say the surrending prayer. We're going to start off going toend with the Lords. It's all about grace, asking God's grace,asking God help you through all the bullshit. I don't know. Maybe this isa weird group, maybe it's a grip alcohol that have been through troublesto relations. Maybe there's a group of Autlos that I haven't been through,toils and stairs, or maybe this is a group of people that have hadthe shit kicked out of them from ten four decades and somehow, some way, is getting through without drinking, because even they though, they do itreluctantly, as somewhay is, turning to God and say God help me andgo into spiritual groups and as you did.

So here's my deal. My dealis this. So I'm I'm I'm a young alcoholic. I much dinnerthan I am right now. I was actually some people told me I wasfairly handsome guy. I'm running. I'm allowinged Lizard, you know, I'mallowing. I'm sitting there in the lounge, I'm looking at the blinds when that'sa redhead. My whole life is, you know, about if I onlyhad her idea. Okay, I'm a Hif only or and he hasbutter and I know everything. I'm brighter than anybody, I'm smarter than anybody. I'm just I just grab a great personality. I don't God is notI don't even remember having a discussion about God. You know what, myentire life of the coming to alcoholics and out of this, because he hasnothing to do with the playboy club or, you know, get an American spresscard or anything like that. So I start drinking. I started drinkingand finally on January twenty one, one thousand nine hundred and eighty one,I'm all alone. I Want my wife, my house, my car and everythinglike that. I'm thirty one years old. I think my life isover. I can't stop drinking. I'm not going to go into it's notdrinking thing because I did that last week. But you know, you get toa point. I got to a point. You can't Arrout. Youevery alcohol past the have his last drink. Every alcoholic a Rama's does. Iget desperate. I cannot stop drinking. It's Christmas Eve. I am alone. I can't stop drinking. I have the law, I have thealcoholic loneliness. Soon he went over. The loneliness. It says here andthere once in a while, and alcohol maybe drive the moment. Says,you know, feel better event. We laugh at s sally. Sony soonerwill drink and we know his drinking again because he's not happy with a sobriety. I will happen with my drinking, with anything. He says. Hewill know loneliness if you do. Have you out the guys ever known loneliness? Have you ever been the loneliest person on the planet earth? Have youever had a three o'clock in the way where it's you're the loneliest person inthe planet earth and you know it'll never change for you? Well, ifyou haven't gotten that, I feel sorry for you. You need to getthere. You'll get there one day maybe. And I got and some guy turnedI turned on a TV and some guy was preaching the Gospel. It'sjust my story. You don't have to do it free. Different things fordifferent people. I got down on my knees. He said tood down yourknees and ask God be guys. She's coming your life, and I didthat. I said God help me. I was in there as a heartattack, which is not a big deal, but for a Jewish gift from theYork it was. I can tell you that. But then, youknow, you may laugh at that, but if you're in the position Iwas in, you would have done anything, because I was entirely ready to stopdrinking. I was entirely ready to do anything, you know what Imean. I wanted what, whatever that they were given. I was oneyou got anything to get it. I wanted up an alcoholics anonymous. Isaid it, I'm home, I'm home. I didn't argue with them. Now, I'm not saying I never said you don't understand or any of thatstuff ringing like that, but for the most part I gravitate to the guysthat were thirty, forty years not the guys out of the parking lot smokingthere. We tell them what to do and I did what they told meto do. I'm not going to go through that a whole story, solet me let me so. What does that have to do with anything?I'll tell you what it has to do with no matter how brilliant I was, how smart I was, the way I got educated, the way Igot the way I got educated at the getting on my knees and asking God'shelp, was having the shit pounded out. I've under the question whether you canskip a grade enop box and not us, whether you can somehow,after three years, get with some guy has after thirty years. You knowwhat I mean, like you skip school. You just study harder. Maybe youread the big bit longer, you do better fourth steps or something likethat. I've come to the opinion that that we would like to think thatwe get mature in a A. You'd love to think we get mature ina a because we study real part well, we read the big book real well, or we memorize at all. We all we we do the stepsreal well, or we got great sponsors. And you know, all of thatis probably true. You probably do better the more work you put intoand you do. It's probably true and...

I somehow have it in my mind. You know, they say this is stuff out there called dark matter,the trying to make. They say nine percent of the universe made a DARC. Madnie can't see it. I've come the part in my mind, althoughhard work and putting effort in this means absolutely something. There's a special ingredientthat you have to add with alcoholics of just beating the living shit out.I've got US say, as much as I hate to say, you knowthis idea that the way we got a new perspectives. There's a great linethat said one of the one of the books I read it said. Itsays a man can look at something nine hundred, Ninety nine times and lookat it the thousandth time and see it for the first time. You KnowHow many times I've been through my life and last forty years where I've openedup the big book because the Irus was coming after me or because they tookall my money out of my bank counter because I was broke or going throughsome cancer or they found cancer, or going through something. It was threeo'clock moning and I read a line in the big book that I've Read TenzeroTimes and I'm twenty years Ober and I said, Holy Shit, that's theline. All of a sudden I was blind. All of a sudden Isee it. And why did I see it? You know, when youwant on enough, he'll show up. When the when the pupils ready,the teacher will appear. I saw it because of repeated humiliations and the crushingof my self sufficiency that God open to my mind and I was really Iwas willing and able to see a spiritual truth that was right in front ofme for twenty years I never noticed it because I'm an alcoholic and one ofthe consequence be ant talk is that I'm closed minded. I like the judgmentof I like to sit on my throwing contempt to say that guy's full shit. He doesn't know. I think that's that's my my default position is yourfull of Shit, you're full of Shit. You're full of Shit. Your FullShit, unfull Shit? The whole thing's both. That's my default position. I come in day a again, on my knees, I pick upa white chip, I do whatever. How I do. I got threemonths sobriety. You know what happens to me? Let me tell you something. This is a serious disease. You don't even understand the disease. It'sgone. You don't happens to me. I stopped get being open minded.I got three months. Happens me ten years? I stop being open mind, I start criticizing people. Let it go. I start criticizing people thataround. Zoom. You're not going to me. I got start criticizing people. I get opinionate because I got ten years because I got fifteen years,I got twenty years. All of a sudden I'm a stupid superstar, Iknow. Ever, me, I get opinion about people that are that aregoing to church, even though it says we encourage church membership. You know, we in the big book and says we lose all prejudice against organized religion. All I do is Talk Shit about organized religion. I'm spiritual, notreligious. You know, they don't even consider the possibility that you can bespiritual and religious at the same time, like, you know, like theysaid in the big book, like and you look at the people that DrBob and Bill Wilson we're looking to, you know, in the big book, like Father, read Dowling, you know, and he says our clergyman, a friendly clergyman. And we cut ourselves all these through what these thinkwe cut ourselves out of. Look at it, all this stuff. Wedon't read the Bob, we don't read the spiritual club, we don't doanything because we decide a five years sobriety, that we're spirits, not religious.That's all bullshit and our mind shuts like that, you know what Imean? And what happens is it shuts and we may go to meetings,just stay sober. I meet it's to do all the work and everything,and we stay sober. We're not happy and even if we're relatively okay andwe settle, like it says in the six that you wanted something, weare missing the banquet. We are missing there's a party going on out therewhere people have lost fear of people in economy, security and it's unbelievable.The party is going on, but we're missing that stuff because you know whathappens whereas close minded as we were before, we've walked to the alcoholics and untilwe get crushed even more, crush. They you know people as bunch ofmy friends on zoom. I love this because I get to meet peoplethat I've never met all over the planet that I've seen that have twenty,three, thirty years sobriety. You wouldn't believe that are all of a sudden. You know, they used to be...

...a commercial TV Marlborough. Are yousmoking more and enjoy it less? Leave me. There a lot of peoplewith twenty five years and alcoholics Anon the cent are not happy. They're notgoing to necessarily drink. They may say a few good things and may helppeople. Let me do a bunch of things for their happy. I've methim and all of a sudden their minds open up because they've been crushed thatthey heard something and they ready to hear something and all of a sudden it'salmost like they first walked in the room. It says this is incorrect. I'veseen with twenty year thing. This is unbelievable. I'ven't heard any thisstuff because, you know, why does this stuff is talked about in analcoholics time? It's not talk about. You're not. I'm telling you,I bet money that you won't hear this in any other room of alcoholics.That on others, probably some other things besides me, but they're all talkingabout the not drinking and going to meeting all that. is nothing wrong withthat stuff, you know, and not being competential. That's thrown out churchor faith or any of that stuff. You guys aren't getting any of thats stuff. That was the stuff they were talking about nineteen thirty five tonineteen thirty nine, nineteen forty. That's the real ay, that's the realdeal. Now, thank God for us. You know, God had a greatplan. Here's the great plan. He had AA. You ready forthis? Lost the copyright on the big book. So as much as theytry to change it, and they will change and they have changed it,you know something, you'll always be able to read the original big book ofalcoholics and even if they try to take God out of it and replace withsomething else, and will always be there. But what I guess I'm trying tosay, I guess what the bottom line is is everything I've said andall the books and everything like that is is, no matter what happens,if you just hang in here, you don't drink that little and greet thatlife. Think, well, you will have to deal with life. You'REgonna have to deal with life. You're going to deal with the money,you're going to deal with the other people. You're going to deal with the wife. You can deal with a husband, you can deal with the loon is. You're going to deal with the bullshit. You know what I mean. And as it's crushing you remember whenever you discid matter what the cause,there's something wrong will, as it's drive mean you crazy and you want toblame him, her, it were them. If you're going to say sober andnot be separated out, you're at some points I'm saying, why amI allowing it? Why is this stuff killing? And you're going to beforced to go deeper into the book. You can be forced to turn towardsGod. You're going to be forced to try to fig out more about thisfaith thing. You know what I mean, because your current going to keep yousober. The Mon he's not going to keep you sober. And oneday you're going to walk in and you're going to have cancer, like someof my good friends on here, and they're going to put you in hospice. And then you have the real you're going to realize the real deal.You know, this is awful. All that stuff out there, it's allbullshit. And then you're going to be trying to keep play catch up withGod. You know, you don't want to box with God. Your armstoo short, you know. I mean the worst thing in the world isget to a point in life where you know, you know death is atthe door or something like that, and you're trying to figure out this Godthing. You're really now trying to figure out this God thing now. Yeah, you really want to get that thing planted long before that happens, soyou have some faith, because that's got to be that's a scary I've beenwith people that are dying that don't have any idea of who God is.They used to laugh at people that talk about to get man of people.That's about. You've never seen more fear when a person is dying. Hehas no idea where he's going. You don't want to be in that position, you know so. God bless you. That's all I have to.

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