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AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 1 month ago

Russell S. Talk 2 at the Sabal Palm Group 8/18/2021

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Russell S. Talk 2 at the Sabal Palm Group, Miami, FL 8/18/2021   

Since January twenty fifth j one- so Iguess I'm I'm in my forty first year- is it seventy two years old it's overfor me, I'm a short time. I got maybe a week, I'm lucky. If I get to the salethat words and I'm a little bit about me, I'm married foot sober forty years marriedfor years. My sponsa don't make any make decisionsduring your first year, so I trove sober. I got married Maymene, I don't know I'm still workingon that and a d four kids, seven grandkids self supported on myconstitution, so I've been through the deal. I've been through the deal I mean,I'm not only talking about the alcoholic drink in the drinking shit,which is really not a big deal but frank bit, frank. This not really- and I just say, should like that to getyou upset. You know we have a spiritual accent whenever you deserve matter. What thecause is something wrong with you. You know that is true. I had a sponsor oncethen Joe Snyder was wonderful man. I've had like three or four Sposi a longtime. Spine is wonderful. Man Enters, and, unfortunately you know a lot of it.You know they pass away, they're all temporary. I once asked him: I said youget resentment, he said yeah, I don't I give them. I said Poofai could causepart as parts of an alcoholic. One of the one of the the problems of an outare twelve and to sis and lessons on alcohol except alcoholism. Allsconsequences is a bride to be prepares to happiness, will find at all. So thedrinking is really not alcoholism. The drinking is a symptom. That's what ourbook says and that's what I find that to be true. The the alcoholism is theconsequences to really get an alcohol. So I'm not honest in what the diseaseis. You got to look at the consequences about Baltas and the consequences ofthings that that basically show us over curative years, because it can takemonths and years to real the first thing to understand about alcoholism.In my mind, this is all based. On my experience, mind you I'm not trying totalk down to her and I'm just saying I've been around, for you know when aman with experience meets Mare with money, the man will experience, won,Walk Away with the money in the able. The money will walk away with anexperience- and I can tell you this, I'm I'm an alcohol in an tell you alittle bit about my background, I'm shure stuff about being, but I can tellyou this, the out house parting, you think you are, we all have opinions, weall think we're brilliant. Let me tell you something: You know, there'snothing like experience, there's nothing like experience when you wantto go into the freaking jungle and you'll walk into the jungle, and yousee some guy who's got a buck in his hand, how to walk through the jungleand he's a graduate of MIT and he studied how to walk through the jungle,and you have another guy who's dressed in tattered brands. He has no book, buthe's been through the jungle tensed times you go to the dude, go to the guywho's been through the jungle ten hosen times and made it out a lot now, butthe guy with the book in the chance and what I've learned about this thing is.This is all all about going through the gun. You know I gray with the ONSAHA,it's not front PhD and Algebra topology. I prided myself in my intelligence. Ilove talking about the shroudage wave, a lation, the Hind, Bil Acerti yprinciple and all that bullshit. You know what I mean and I ended up goingwith to law. School became a division, she, the states, tures office, the law,professor and all that. So I prided myself on that stuff and that crap andthinking that I knew what I was doing almost killed me and I've sponsoredhundreds of men and worked with a lot of people, and I can tell you this it'smy experience is that the guys that seem to do the work are the guys thatcan't get over the fact that they're, not that bright. You know they know everything, butthat's all they know they know how to keep Anoumah together. They don't knowhow to raise children, they don't have know how to do the fundamental humanthings that makes you a human being and they don't know how to stop drinkingand even if they stop drinking, they feel kind of cried pre from me aboutthemselves. You know they're, not happy with their surprise and I'll, tell you something my mymentors were. I had one Metho that was a lawprofessor, but most of my mentors were...

...plumbers and I've worked in the post office andthings like that, and they used to call me their tether. Favorite name for mewas stupid. I know was still because they used to say, listen, stupid and Iknow I know it's stupid and you know one of the things that you got to getrid of right off the bat as your old ideas or the result is full shit. It'sno and like EF. You got to get rid of this idea. You know that somehow youactually know what how you're doing, even though you think you know whatHell you doing, the grouch and the brains form your bright ideas. You gotto get rid of them. I had got rid of when I got to tell you something Idon't get rid of him just because she tolt me get rid of them. I get rid ofhim because I get pounded like a son of a bitch over a period of twenty thirty.Forty years until I find finally say myself, I got to stop doing this shit.You know my sponsor one's ansering. Why do you feel the crafty bus? Why do yousay this stuff? You say, and I said well, that's just my personality andsaid. Let me tell you something: your personality is killing that I knew thealcohol was coming me. How do you get rid of your person? Oute I've been likethis ever since I was this, for you know what I mean. This is the way I am.This is my personality. How do you get rid of that bullshit and the Bom Lineis somehow somewhere. You got a get rid in the last o o for step in talk,iterate fact and stepping open, mindedness and willingness, and thingslike that and that kind of deal and then we're going to see where that goes,we'll do sort of like the second and third step and talk about differentthings. I'm talk about some things, so you get people. I said: That's okay,you'll figure it out. Okay, that's the way we grow in here. The way you growto here you listen to some guy, say something that pisses you off. You walkout. You say that Asshole who invited him here that guy is know me, here'snobody talking about, and then you weave a drink over that or you can't get me out of your mind,which is okay with me. You know, quite frankly, you know, I won't remember youI'm going to have dinner or you write down a piece of paper Russell. He saidthis. He said a Fiah Blah Blah Blah and you do what it says in spiritall ACTON.You said why Tis he this third and you're talking as sponsor and theneight years now you come up to me in some, are would say you know I used tohate you now. I look because you realized the reason that you hate meand that I'm driving you crazy. The same reason its whole fuck. The worldhas been driving you crazy, while your wife drives you crazy, while your bossdrives you crazy, because you're insane, because you're crazy and you startunderstanding that the second step says came to believe that a power gradeyourself could restore you to sanity, and you ultimately realize that whatthey're trying to say is you cannot be restored to sanity. Unless you areinsane saying, people are not restored to Saturday insane people have restoredto Saturday and that process may take more than one day it may take more than a week it maytake ten or twenty or thirty years. A person that drinks have to ten yearshas not been restored to sided person. Who Drinks of the five years isnot support. The sad person who drinks after thirty years has not beenrestored to sanded. You know this restoration and SOCIISaturday. What you think is sanity and what sanity really is the wholedifferent view. You know I learned a long time agoafter hanging around with guys in two thousand and thirty and forty and fiftyyears that when they look at the guy- and they said that man is sober, theymean more than just got drink and I in around with those guys and it's aMarcli around those ties, because I have history of hanging around withidiots, because I am an ID I want to say by John John Wayne. Lifeis tough if you're stupid, it's even tougher. You know what I mean it's. Imade my life a lot up, so I'm just going to try her some of my experiencewith you without the second seven, how it works, and because of that, I'mgoing to read a couple of things to you and one of the thing. One of the thingsis, I'm not going to sing this one, although I want to sing on, but I'mgonna, I'm gonna reach you a song, and but I want to read you something whichsome of these people on Jim who know how crazy I am are going to be our finegoing to find this unusual, I'm a big...

...dog guy. I might as well tell thatright off the Bat Im. You know you know, look I'm going to talk. My spots come along time ago. The way you do a Boa made, I you just be since here try tobe honest and and once you learn how to fink that you got it. May Youunderstand so, but I own to try to be as clear as glass and one of the one ofthe. I once asked that I was actually once as the bat was the attorney Chenelof the United States, a very spiritual guy, because I askedthem to use an wash. The decas turn chat and I asked him to side. I knewhis faith and I knew love is fat. I said how do you? How do you handletalking about your faith in Washington DC? You know what I mean where Basansophisticated. He said you know us. He said my religion. My faith will notallow me to impose my faith on anybody, but I have an obligation to expose likethings so I talked about myself. I talked about like this, and one of the great promises inalcoholics anonymous is that fear of people in the beknopte security willbelieve you, and for years before, covent, I senterfrom fear people in the judgment, without even knowing it, because I'm analoll of one of the consequence of being alcohol. Is You possibly tellyourself you don't give a shit when other people think about you, you thinkyou're, some sort of cowboy you tell other people, so I'm going to crap,they think about me and you ultimately realize that Etendit or thirty yearsthat people that are constantly telling themselves, I don't care what peoplethink about them. All they do is worried about what people think aboutthem, because the bottom line it is people that really don't care. Whatpeople think about them. Don't say shit like I don't care what people thinkabout. They say things like past the sugar or something like that. So thebottom line is a lot of this over the years over the ten and twenty andthirty years old. Sober has to do with discovering how crazy you are. Youunderstand it's like it's like. I was in an alcoholic age with alcoholism. Ibreak out of that cage. Something answer me a big, but I'm not drinkingany more and then three months later, I'm crazy. Andsix months later, I'm going nuts. Then ten years later, I got a millionboys is telling me also it's a bad shit about myself and other people at fifteen years, I'm in the show out,gathering up and fifteen years old, but I'm doing this steps on saying thingsmyself, like you're, an asshole you and to kill yourself as mafic side, I'mtelling myself I'm an a as whole. I kill myself. You know once a day atleast, and I turned around the car and say who's saying that shit to me andthere ain't nobody in the car, and that's me telling me what I think I amthat's my reputation me with me. I say why am I saying that, like read a bookHook, called man gets himself fron by incredible psychologist, who is name oescaping in on than hirts right for the Big Bukan? He said it was a whole bookon suicide and he said in the chapter on out theres whole chapter. Appositealcohols are men and women around to destroy themselves, and so me whothinks I'm the greatest guy in the world God's gift to the world, the mostintelligence of Sparta Sky, and I just not Carmena y right. I think I'm thegreatest guy in the world- and I have this other thought on piece of shut outon to die. You know I was, I was told a long timeago, if you're, if you're an individual, don't- and you don't know your purposein life, if you reach thirty years old, you have no idea what your personallife in it is no idea you're going to be, to a certain extent,Taroni, and I didn't have a clue. I thought my person life was get laid asmuch as possible to chase women to get cars, get money to get prestige, andeverything like that- and I tal. If that was my purpose, I wouldn't be anapostasy, wouldn't have to drink, because that was not my purpose,because I was plied, but that was my purpose Jason After Shit to make meokay and the reason I chased after shit to make me. Okay is the one thing Iknew I was in okay. I was unworthy, although if you told me that I punch inthe mouth, you understand what I'm saying and I get the ship be out of mebecause I was a lousy fighter, but the bottom line is: is that that's myproblem is alcoholism which goes on after you? Stop Drinking I discoveredthat alcoholism is a disease that centers in my mind, not my body haslittle to do with a drink and I used...

...alcohol because no woman, no car, noamount of money ever worked. It all works that it never worked quite aswell and quite as fast as just a few drinks. So I drank it and it worked mewhen right now the way work me at eighteen years old, I m drunk right now.I still be drinking about a stop work in for me and the sad part about mylife is stopped working for about five or ten years before I realized topward.I've heard a lot of people. You know I was a nothing. I was a nobody. I wasalways God be a nothing. I put a couple of shots of starch and me and I becamean almost and when you're in nothing almost as top of the flipping world,and then I took away the alcohol and I became crazy. Here's my story, my story,and you know something every emotion, every fear. Every problem I've had inthe last forty years of sobriety. I had before I was fifteen years old. I'venever caught. My Self pity fear worry. You know anxiety, you name it all. Ihad it before. I was fifteen years old had before I was ten years old haven. Fine, I didn't develop any newones because of the boots. The reason I drank it, but I'm an alcoholic I drinkbecause Benadin drink because they like the effect, is my alcohol. The wrestleshere will just contented unless they can against experience, seasand comfort.It comes at once by taking a few drains. That's why I drank I drank, becausethat was my medicine. I finally had to stop drinking. I started off in lifeinsane insane. You know when you're insane when you're insane and you thinkstupid thoughts about yourself and other people, but to you they're,absolutely weir real and you hang around with people that are as in sameas you are like in the bar and they're in you're, saying you know,you're like what and I'm saying things like my wife who has a child. WHO's athome, who's been staying at home, every making a dinner, and I'm going to bar tnine ten o'clock at night and she's pissing me off because shewants to know where I am, and I turned to one of my insane guys I say she'spiteous on tip she wants to where I am. Why aren't I on for dinner, my insanefriends? What a bitch I said you had to kick that count o the side. You knowwhat I mean, I'm an insane son of a bitch self centered, don't give a shitabout anybody except myself, but I think I'm basically a good guy andpeople don't understand me and so on one side of my brain, I'm thegreatest guy in the world. You don't know how wonderful I am on the otherside of my piece of Shit, Ou out to kill myself and the bottom line is whenyou have those two thoughts going and sets up sort of nervous disposition, acertain Murgie this position. But if I drink alco like all, comes together andI'm John Way in the Brad Pilican, you know what I mean and I can do no wrongand that's why I'm here, one of the consequences of my disease is that whenmy wife says to me, if you come home drunk one more time, I am leaving youtwelve words of you come home drunk most time. I have leave to and I get in my car and I'm a sober asI am right now and I hear those pub works and I got all this education. Idrive my part three BLOCKSD and in my mind I go what the hell did she mean byThet Ye, because whenever I hear something where I told something toread something I don't like it confuses me. So I first come to Calcasti and Iread this book and has also the things and I see one and a half of one percentof it and I don't understand the rest. But I just let skip over. I said toread the book and I said Yeah, because I can't possibly understand it becauseit makes no sense half measures of ells nothing. There is one of us all powerthat one is God. May you find him now that one is God? May you find it outwhat the hell does that me and so bill Wilson says I hated God. Ihated the idea of God. I despised God. When you talk to me about God, Idespised you, you know what I mean I couldn't I couldn't deal with it. Icouldn't accept it. So the guy says they well. Here's your fall backposition fall back compromise. Why should shows a bog watch to pick upguys an you like she's got a gown understand. He sayslike by that Shit.

She was one of that lost me to screwaround to my wife, I'll love. You know he likes for. I do I like that, but youwant to something: That's okay, when you first commit, but that's actuallynot what the big book says. It says there is one God there is a God thathas all power. You find him now and somewhere around ten or fifteen ortwenty years when things aren't going well and things are falling apart. Yourealize that the God that you have chosen to be your God, the God that has all power that has allpower, maybe a different deal. Okay and you become exactly who you'refooling and who you're making up in your mind and what are the problems withalcoholics is because of that first consequence. I said whenever you hear,or I hear something or somebody tells you something you don't like it confuses you. You hate them well, ifyou're insane and you walk into alcoholics and Inis Room, if you're aninsane alcoholic thinking, your right, you will meet somebody and alcohol andones. Trust me. You will walk up to some old timer and ask a question:they'll tell you something and you will think that they're crazy, if yo trust Yo, if you're in, if youhave this disease and you've, been operating with your brain and your bestthinking and got you in here, got you in jails and got your screwed up withback of the wars, and you come in here and you have strong passions andfeelings about something, and you talk to somebody in here: Who's got twentyor thirty years, and they tell you something: You'll think they're crazy.You might even say something like you don't understand, you might even tellyou say you might menton you don't know me or you don't understand, and thefact is they do know you and they do understand because they've been there,the only person that doesn't understand this you, but you have no idea what this diseasewas really like and Er years down the road. You might understand that dealand that's been how it works. What the story is so I'm going to talk about. Iwant to read something from appendice to everybody likes apendent. To is a great thing. What, as you do whatever hell? You want to doand don't have to worry about things. So here we go spiritual experience. The terms spiritual experience andspiritual awakening are used many times in this book, which, upon carefulreading, shows that the personality change sufficient to bring aboutrecovery. The personality chance you know rolling hazards in the book. Ifyou read it, Rollin has it who couldn't stop drinking? He thought he couldfinally stop drinking. He put himself on Jewish of Dr Young. He was there forsix months. He didn't have a drink for six months, the greatest sychidionworld. He said now, knowing the inner workings of my mind now, knowing how Ithink drinking is impossible. neerest he was drunk in a couple of weeks.Those of the Dr Young says dot you. He says you do young o break Sachische.You have the mind of her panic. Otho I've never been up a SOB. I've neverbeen able to treat somebody like you and if you're, an Alhokin you're inhere, you're, just like rolling those like guys will ever fix you you've, ard,been the psychiatrist can't find the bill because they can't give you a pillfor honesty. They can't give you a pill for integrity. They can't give you apill for not being an asshole there's, no, not being an asshole fill. You know,men can't do it. You know what I mean you're just going to be like being aself yourself sent side of a bitch, and if anybody says any, do you loo firstthing it's going to push him on and say what is he? What about me how's thisgoing to affect me? Why are you doing this to me? You know and the bottomlike they can't. They can't change that. They can't change you into a person.Nobody can change you the person where, when you wake up the morning, the onlythought you say is thank you got. Nobody can change you window person,where the only thought in your mind is who can I help today? Only a nobody could change you with theperson when somebody does something or said something it's mean to you. Youknow something you think they must be having a bad day. I need to forgive them. I need to lovethat how love it? Nobody can do that no pill can do that. No a a group can do that. Nobody can dothat. Only God can do that and change...

...that alcohol, and when you said what DrYoung said O he says you need to find that thing. It's a spiritual thing. Hesaid he says because you Havn't mind when I talk and he said. Let me tellyou about this spiritual experience you can have. He says if you do this ideas,emotions and attitudes that is the goding force of your life or ship tothe onside and you become dominated by home, set by diseuse. You were changed,you are reborn, that's what the book says. You're reborn, you become a wholenew individual, completely different than the way you are after forty years, and I'm not doneGod's not done working on me, I'm a little bit different than I was. Ifirst we towards of Altho and one that's one of the problems I have oneof the problems I have is. I can't talk to you the way I would talk to or threedays I can't think or talk to the way I talked to you in three months or threeyears or even ten years or twenty years like I can only be the way I am rightnow I do dress job began as far as that Tis an set. Let me read this thing, theterms spirifer experience and spirits. A wakening are used manytimes in this book. Upon careful reading shows that the personalitychange sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism has manifesteditself among us in many different forms, yet is true. Yet it is true that forfirst pread printing gave our many readers the impression that thesepersonality traits or religious experience must be the nature of suddenand spectacular upheavals. Happily for everyone. This is not the case in sorolleum is. Although I've had that Shit happen to me in my life and they havean I've, been your life on times on these pipes. Okay in the first fewchapters, I ended that in Loabes this is all my young son is all myexperience. May Not be your expense. You have to go with me. You know, dowhatever you into your own deal. You know. In the first few chapters, anumber of sudden revolutionary changes are described, though it was not ourintention to great such an impression. Many alcohols have neverthelessconcluded that, in order to recover, they must acquire an immediate andoverwhelming God consciousness. Follow that once by a vast change in feelingand outgo among our rapidly rowing membership of thousands of alcohols andtransform a such transformations, though frequent, are by no means therule most of our experiences or what the psychologist willing James Callsthe educational variety. So I did all that to tell you thatwe're going to talk about my education in Alcohol Yo, because that's the onlything I know about I'm going to talk about what the Educ, what I think theymean by the education of variety. You know. Sometimes you just have to liveyour life as a human being. You know, but I don't know about if you guysnoticed life is not easy, life is difficult. Doesn't it man I'll tell you?Have you noticed that everybody on the street when you're driving aroundthey're? Not Thinking about you yeah, I mean? Have you ever noticed that itseems to be that the only perse that really cares about you is you, as itseems almost like? Everybody only gives a shit about themselves. You know, andyou know life is difficult. Sometimes you just have to go through aLato crap, just to figure out what the Hell's going on. You know. You know theand the book of an doorbolts to good old tankers in Doctor Bob in the goodold timers they write this line. This is compreney said this is what they didduring the first five years of alcohol on ONS, one thousand nine undred andTirty Five D, nineteen forty, they said the books, we found the absoluteessential because they wrote this big o one thousand nine hundred thirty ninethey've been using first five years. The books they found absolutelyessential were first within thirteen summer amount to James. The book ofJames was the primary book they used in the Bible. Listen, your intil drown,opinion about religion. He S, not entiled your own fact. That's a fact inthe booth of Ja. They almost called us to James, but this is almost full ofcane put so on the book of James With the Apostle James says he says, you'reready for you gonna like this one and the reason I'm telling you this isbecause this has to do with alcoholics...

...anomos and as to the big book has, towit, our program has to do with everything has to do with. The secondstep has to do with your education andAholin O says rejoice when you have trials of many kinds. Other words behappy when you're suffert and your ass is being kicked. You understand you'refiring made yes, you're fired after twenty years in frime. Yes, thank you so much. This is a horribleexperience. My family's going to die. My life is over, but I know this isgoing to get me closer to God. I guess, if that's the way, you thinkyou'll never have a problem right. So I told my sponsor: was I told you thislast about tally, says is worth to a gay. This is true. It's my the story.By till except the things you can't change, perjury I said to guy I gotdown to the five hanged dollar check and I yelled and scream all over theroomf for three days about a God bounds me five in dollars. Check can get Godof my mind, my son say well. How would you feel if I didn't body one of these stupid old, timerquestions? That's why sponsors are so stupid. If I was with the guys on thebar and say you are to kick his ass, they keep you going the you know, we behanging them, you know what I mean, but this guy says. How would you feel Ididn't bother you a question which I didn't need to this dad and evenunderstand, and he says how would you feel for thembothy? I said in sin: What you're talking about he says: How would youfeel with Tin Body? I said Bob, I don't understand whattoll me says. How would you feel if it didn't bother you I said no, I said howwould I feel if it didn't bother me says here: How would you feel the DinBody? How would I feel if I didn't bought me that he mounsoon check on youyeah? How would you feel for didn't bother you that I dose five HundredDollar Chick bin? I said: Well, if it didn't bother meI'd, feel okay, so there you go when he walked away. What do you do with that when yourthree months, so what you do with that when you're three months so when allyou can do, is think about the guy? How you want to rip his long shot? You knowI mean what do you do with that WHO's? The crazy person like I was walkingaround want to kill him. I want to thrash him. I want to hurt myself ondrink and I want to drink and everything who's, the crazy one and itme or the guy who can just one away and it's it doesn't mean anything. You may get pisser five minutes andthen you just go in you being try who's the crazy one who's, the insane one youknow so that's so the bottom line is, isthat so I want to talk about my education and alcoholics anonymous anwhat they need by the educational ride. I was just thinking the other day, andso I got it thought his just my own life. This is the way it works. For me, one of my sponges one said you cannot rob an alcohol to his desperation.Every ALBO has to his plast train. I don't know how many guys you work withas far as I've worked with hundreds of ives on really for eight years, if they're not ready, they're, notready, I, as a step before the step. You knowwhat it says. If you want what we have and you willing to go to Anlan together,then you're ready to take certain steps. He ain't ready. You don't want a wee onyou, WAIN'T READY! You only willing to go to any lake, get what we got. YOUAIN'T READY! You Ain't ready to take the steps. You Ain't ready some people,ain't ready. You will find people in here and there's nothing wrong with it.There's nothing wrong with not being ready not being ready. As I mean you'rea bad person not being ready. I doesn't mean you can't get fifty years. You can have people that come in hereand they collect white chips for three years. They'll tell you the. How wentyou been an a well I've been around for twenty years. I said you, but how longyour sober? You know three days now, not ready. You know what I mean youdon't get mad at it. Just not read you can't make them ready. You can't say you know: YOU'RE gonnadie you're, going to kill you that won't make them ready. You can't make it out already. I don'tknow how you make an alcohol ready. You can try, you can educate them. You canhave read the book. You can take the...

MEES, you can do everything everything and then he ends up drinking doesn'tmean you're, a bad sponsor, just not ready to stop. That readything is like a canonries. Oh No! So the bottom line is he so so there'sthis great song go. This is great song. You know what you know. What that'swhat Jane says rejoice when you have trials from many times, because ifsomehow, while going through the childs, you keep on your faith and keep lookingat dot and keep your faith. Your faith on maturing him bro Little Growl you'll, be educated, you'll, be educated, not in mathematics.You be educated, not in the press of law. It'll be educated, not inQuantocius educated in becoming a person of faith. You may be the smartest guy in theworld, but you're not indicated the process of La in the inting. You may be the richest way of the world,but doesn't mean you're going to be a you know. You may be the greatestathlete of the greatest actor or the greatest thing in the world doesn'tmean your hat, doesn't mean you know you will be a you may be educated inschool. You may read every book every classical book you may be a smartperson doesn't mean you know, Shit about faith and faith is ties. The whole thingtogether. What's the W A S? What's the use like they say again the whole world,if you lose your soul, if you're unhappy, one of the great things thathappened to me is as a result of word, these steps and his result of a love inGod is, and I'm not saying this is one hundred percent or anything. I prettymuch lost fear and I've lost a lot of fear, Redoniansecurity, not that I'm rich, my one of my sponsors said you're always going tobe pro just won't bother Y. So thanks a lot. You know what I mean. He says hehe says he says. Look one day: You're going to wake up and you're not goingto have a you're gonna have a lot of money in the back and ain't going tomean anything to you and one day you gonna wake up and you can have nothingin the back att aint going to be a ating to you and you're going to have agood day on both days because you're, how you feel about yourself. It's notconvened on your bank account it's not even t pend on what car you drive oneday, you're going to be driving used cars even the or older cars. Even youcould buy a newer car because you won't have to buy a new part. O impressanybody because she'll be you'll, be just happy that you're not makingcarpets. You know one day you will wake up andyou won't care what kind of choose you wear in or what people think about youone day, you'll be a Amin you'll say also to shit that comes out of yourmouth, that people think you're crazy and I will ate you. You'll walk up fora more worry about what you present to that you'll, be telling them the truth. TheOl Tin, O Lord, I set the back one day, you'll be setting a meeting and you'llbe able to talk about God, and you won't be sitting there worried aboutsaying God and trying to use the words HP or the High Banana or whatever it is,but because you're in an a meeting wit, the whole thing is about God. It seemedto to the relations with M is right, and he is says once we must give Erassumption is o what a mustard kills. US. God makes that possible we're goingto talk about God. We never apologize for God, we've! Let him demonstrate ourlive. All men of faith have courage. You make a decision for God once youmake that decision. It's sincere also, some remarkable things happen beingPaul. Paul will give you everything you need. It's just stay close to me.Performers work. What right his work is the work for him and put him as a setof us of your life being convinced that lives in your heart and mind and wait,which is indeed miraculous y doing for you. What you can't do for yourself,Seenin with your relation with image. Right and great events, will come toyou and count with others one day that will be you and your life, and youwon't give a shit about what the guy is thinking next to you in an a meetingthat isn't even paying your freaking fesal. You understand what I'm saying. That'sthe deal and by the way, all that shit, that's in our program, that's analcoholismus! So if that ain't happening to you, you don't got it yet.I'm sorry that you don't have it, but you may have it. You may have it. Youknow, because I didn't have it an ten years over. When am I gonna?...

Have these promises I'd have in hearingit? I'd have the Alsie a promise for a second that's come I got a promise fora day. That's gone, I get this fear removed. Then it's gone. You know it'sthere, it's gone it's there. It's got just enough of the promises to make mehungry for more, knowing that it's possible, but now I'm ten, your slopeslay. What am I going to stop this fucking bullshit in a ten years? I'm working this thinglike a son of a bitch. You know what I mean and then I read something I readsomething in the in the twelve and twelve and says the way we got a newperspective. The way we get this educate the way, we're educated. How doyou get educated in the faith? How do you get educated in the fake?The big point that Wollin home says it says the way we get a new per back toone thing, as in six and seven where they're talking about you know whatstep six is it's set to separate men from the bold as you should? It saysthe person who is as separated out from the rest ofground a a is the person who's repeatedly trying these things, so wecan grow in the image you like this got. It's pretty heavy duty t sit, you knowwhat I mean that that person it says the way hegets the education, the educational variety. It says by repeated humiliations, that does that sound like a you ride, adistant world? Would you go that if you were in Disney world- and you saw rideand said repeated humiliations and the final question of yourself and thefinal question of your self sufficiency, this ride will kill you it's the worstthing that you can ever do is say: Hey sign me up for that sucker. You knowwhat I mean on that sucker. You know that's how weyou know what it does. You learn the value of sufering, that's Foka James,one of the greatest songs that I've ever heard that I remember this nothing about the world and everybody cloves it that's Bato, Christian Jewishof Banana is amazing, grace you know, and what I everybody knows song amazingraise. They seem on amazing race. They love it to was against amazing race.Well as alcoholic or gestion grace, but there you don't want to hang on them,they're just going to bring it out, but one of the lines I'm going to read oneof the verses amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved the wretch. Likeme, I once was lost for now I found I wasblind, but now I see which applies by the way, everyone to you, O everyone to e. If you tried to go out there and tellthe drunks to the bars, but you found in her, even if you have three months,they looking like you're freaking to that, because it's because you've beengiven sight, you may not have the whole Picton, yougive a little sight and then here's the third verse of Amazing Race throughmany days. You know think in terms of James. We rejoice on the trials thinkin terms of twelve and twelve, which says repeated Umiliati ONS on crushingRiso. This is the third person amazing rat it all it's been around forthousands and thousand till wasn't been to invent this thing. It's been aroundfor thousands of years. That's why they reade the Bible through many dangers,toils and snares. We have already come TWAS grace that brought us safe, thusfar and grace will lead US home and graceful. Yet this all through manybullshit we've been through, but you know God something, but God has alwaysprotected us. What do they tell you in here? Wheneveryou do you get the crap thrown out? He say the serenity, a God grant mis read,do something. What do they tell you here, we're going to say this readeingprayer going to start off to hand with the Lords for it's all about grace,asking God's grace asking God to help through all the bill? Shit. I don'tknow. Maybe this is a weird group. Maybe it's a group Athol that haven'tbeen through Travalla ions may there's a group of autos that I haven't beenthrough toils and tans, or maybe this is a group of people that have had theshit kicked out of them from ten for decades and somehow some way is gettingthrough without drinking, because even they though they do it delectant issomeone is turning to God and say God help and going to spiritual groups,...

...and as you did so here's my idea. Mydeal is this, so I'm I'm I'm a young alcoholic, I'm much better than I amright now I was actually some people told a fairly hands guy, I'm run, I'm alounge lizard. You know I'm a Lance, I'm sitting there in the lounge I'lllook at the plans and that's a red end. My whole life, as you know about if Ionly had her I'd, be okay, I'm an if Olier and he has fun- and I knoweverything I'm brighter than anybody- I'm smarter than anybody, I'm just justa Grad, a great personality- I don't God is not. I don't everremember having a discussion about God. You know what my entire life of thecoming doball and Otoes, because he has nothing to do with the playboy club oryou know, get an American spread card or anything like that. So I starteddrinking. I started drinking and finally, on January two, twenty onethousand nine hundred and eighty one I'm all along I've lost my wife, myhouse, my car and everything like that. I'm thirty one years old, I think mywife is only over. I can't stock drink and I'm not going to go in this, notdrinking thing, because I did that last week. But you know you get to a point.I got to a point. You can rob you every outhal pass the I have his last trainevery alcoholic don rum is this. I get desperate. I cannot stop drinking. It'sChristmas Eve. I am alone, I can't stop drinking. I have the look. I have thealcoholic loneliness soon e on o the loneliness it says here and there oncein a while and alcohol may be driving. The moment says you know feel betterwith than we laugh at said Sally soon. Soon he will drink and we know in drinkagain because he's not happy with his sobriety. I was to happen my drinkingwith anything. He says he will know loneliness as if you do have you outguys ever known lowing it have. You ever been the loneliest person on theplanet earth. Have you ever had a three o'clock, the way where it's you're theloneliest person in the plant earth? And you know it will never change foryou. Well, if you haven't gotten that, I feel sorry for you, you need to getthere. He'll get there one day, maybe and I got and some guy turned I turnedon the TV and some guy was preaching. The Gospel is just my story. You haveto do it three different things for different people. I got down on myknees. He said to that you need an ask God, because she's coming your life-and I did that I said God help in. I was a sere as a heart attack which isnot a big deal, but for a Jewish kid from New York it was. I can tell youthat, but you may laugh at that, but if you were in the position I was in, youwould have done anything because I was entirely ready to stop drinking. I wasentirely ready to do anything. You know what I mean. I wanted, what whateverthat they were given. I was when you go ain't like to get it. I wound up analcohol Sanam. As I said, I'm home, I'm home, I didn't argue with him now,I'm not saying I never said you don't understand or any of that stuff ringlike that. But for the most part I gravitate to the guys that were thirtyfour years, not the guys have parking lot smoking. They were tell me what todo and I did what they told me to do. I'm not going to go through that awhole story. So let me let me so what does that haveto do with anything I'll tell you what he has to do with no matter how breantI was how smart I was the way I got educated. The way I got the way I got educated toget in on my knees and asking God's help was having the shit co it out. I've pondered the question whether youcan skip a grated out, Chilson wet you can somehow, after three yearsget with some guy has into thirty years. You know what I mean like you skipschool, you just study harder. Maybe you read the big big longer you dobetter Ford steps or something like that. I've come to the opinion thatthat we would like to think that we getmature in Aa you'd love to think we get mature and AA, because we study realhard alway read the big book real well or we memorize it or we we do the stepsreal well. Well, we got great sponsors and you know all of that is probably true. You probably do better than morework you put into, and you think that's...

...probably true, and I somehow have it inmy mind. You know they said this this stuff out. There called dark matter.They try to me. They say nine percent of the universe made a duck man, youcan't see it. I cut the part in my mind, although hard work and putting effortin this means absolutely something. There's a special ingredient that youhave to add, with althors of just leaving the living shit at I've got tosay as much as I hate to say. You know this idea that the way we get newperspectives there's a great line. That said one of the one of the books. Iread said it says a man can look at something nine hundred and ninety ninetimes and look at it the thousand time andsee it for the first time. You Know How many times I've beenthrough my life in the last forty years, ive opened up the big one because theirs was coming after me, or because it took all my money out of my bankaccount or because I was trow or going through some cancer. They found cancer.I going through something it was three o'clock one, and I read a lot of thebig book that I've Read Ten Thousand Times and I'm twenty years sober and Isaid Holy Shit, that's the line. All of a sudden. I was blind all of asudden. I see it, and why did I see it? You know when you walk on enough he'llshow up when the when the pupils ready the teacher will appear. I saw itbecause of repeated humiliations and the crushing of my self sufficiencythat God opened my mind and I was real. I was willing and able to see aspiritual truth. That was right in front of me for twenty years. I nevernoticed it because I'm an alcoholic and one of the consequences been up all isthat in close minded. I, like the judgment of all I like to sit on mythrone and contempt that guys full shit. He was not only thinking. That's that'smy my default position is your full of ship you're full shit, your full ofShit, your full shit on Fulsh, it the whole thing s Pol. That's my dee fallposition. I come and day a a get on my knees. I pick up a white chip. I dowhatever how I do. I got three months sobriety. You know what happens to me.Let me Kay something: This is a serious disease. You don't even understand thedisease as gone. You don't happens to me. I stopped get being open line. Igot three months. I have me ten years. I stop being openmine. I start criticizing people that go. I start criticizing people that areon zoom you're, not going to mean I got so criticizing. I get opinionatebecause I got ten years because I got fifteen years. I got twenty years allof a sudden. I'm a stupent, so superstar me. I got opinion aboutpeople that are that are going to church, even though it says we encreaseship. You know we in the big book and it says we lose all prejudice againstorganized religion. All I do is Talk Shit about organized religion, I'mspiritual, not religious. You know they don't even consider the possibilitythat you could be spiritual and religious at the same time like youknow like they said in the big book like and you look at the people that DrBob and Bill Wilson were looking to. You know in the big book like fatherand dowling now, and he says our clergy man a friendly clergyman and we cutourselves all these people. These things we cut ourselves out of lookingat all this stuff. We don't read the Bob, we don't read the spiritual club,we don't do anything because we decided five years sobriety that were spirits,not religious. That's all bullshit and our mind shuts like that. You knowwhat I mean and what happens. Is it shuts and we may go to meetings juststay so round meetings to do all the work and everything and we say so we'renot happy, and even if we're relatively okay- and we settle like it says in theSinetar, you wanted something we are missing the banquet. We are missed,there's a party going on out there where people have laspe of people ineconomic security and it's unbelievable. The part is going on, but we're missingthat stuff, because you know what happens where, as close, my desines enwere before we even walk through the alcohol, as until we get crushed even more pressing.You don't be. People is a bunch of my friends on zoom. I love this because Iget to me people. I've never met all over the planet that I've seen thathave twenty three thirty years so...

...bridey. You wouldn't believe that areall of a sudden. You know they used be a commercial on TV Marlborough. Are yousmoking more into Joyn? It less believe me. There are a lot of peoplewith twenty five years and alcolite are not happy they're not going tonecessarily drink. They may say a few good things and may help people. Let medo a bunch of things, but then a happy. I met him and all of a sudden, theirminds open up because they've been crushed to. They heard something andthey're ready to hear something and all of a sudden it's almost like they firstwalked in the room. It says this is in creative. What twenty years saying thisis unbelievable. I haven't heard any of this stuff because you know why,because this stuff isn't talked about an alcoholic time, it's not talk aboutyou're, not done telling you. I've bet money that you won't hear this in anyother room of Alcoholic Adams. Oh there's, probably some other plansbesides ray but they're all talking about the not drinking and going tomeeting all the nothing wrong with that stuff. You know and not being compensational, that'sthrown out, church or faith or any of that stuff. You guys aren't getting anyof that stuff. That was the stuff thing were talking, one Thousan, nine hundredand thirty five than nineteen thirty nine one thousand nineteen and forty. That's the real, a that's! The realdeal now, thank God for us. You know, God has a great plan. Here's the greatplan. He had a a you ready for this lost the copyright on the big book so as much as they try to change himand they will change and they have changed it. You know something you'llalways be able to read the original big book of alcoholic an even if they try to take that out of itand replace it with something else. It will always be there, but, but I guess I'm trying to say Iguess what the bottom line is is everything I've said and all the booksand anything like that is, is no matter. What happens if you just hang in here,you don't drink that little agree that life, that willyou will have to deal with life. You'RE gonna have to deal with lifeyou're going to deal with the money you're going to deal with the otherpeople you're going to deal with the wife you can deal with the husband yougot to do with the WO is you're going to deal with the Bolt Shit. You knowwhat I mean and as it's question you remember whenever you discern what thecause there's something wrong with it as it's driving you crazy and you wantto blame him, her it or them, if you're going to say, sober and not beseparated out at some points. I'm saying why am I allowing it lies thisstuff, killing and you're going to be forced to godeeper into the book. You can be forced to turn towards God, you're going to beforced to try to figure out more about this faith thing. You know what I mean,because you part going to keep you sober the money's not going to keep yousober and one day you're going to walk in then you're gonna have cancer, likesome of my good friends on here and they're, going to put you in hospiceand then you have the real. You can realize the real deal. You know this is all for all that stuffout there. It's all the bullshit and then you're going to be trying tokeep play catch up with God. You know you don't want to box with God. Yourarms, too short, you know, I mean the worst thing in the world is got to apoint in life where you know you know, death is at the door or something likethat and you're trying to figure out this God thing. You're really nowtrying to figure out this God thing now yeah you really want to get that thingplanted long before that happens. So you have some faith because that's gotto be that's a scary. I've been with people that are dying that don't haveany idea of who God is they used to laugh at people that talk about the getmade people live around and you've, never seen more fear when a person isdone. He has no idea where he's going. You don't want to be in that position.You know so god less Er. That's all a t.

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