AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 10 months ago

Russell S. Talk 1 at the Sabal Palm Group 8/11/2021

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Russell S. Talk 1 at the Sabal Palm Group, Miami, FL 8/11/2021   

I'm at the sunset room and I you know, this crazy thing about losing fear, people in economic insecurity and the really screwed up and meetings like this, because she just just try to let you just try to love on people. That's all. Just want to love them and help him out, you know. So it's hard to stay with the script. You just do it the spirit. Tell they did, do you know what I mean? You know what I mean. So I'm at the sunset room with that and you know, Sheldon said you need a big book. I said, just screw me up, you know what I mean? And Sam at the sunset room and some guy says I had about three or four years, I don't know. I'm sitting there with my sponsor that it's packed and some guy, he says he interests himself. He says he's brandow an alcoholics anonymous, and he says he's been going there for about two months and he says he can't find anybody to talk to. You know, he doesn't have any friends. He feels like he's alone, feels like nobody really cares about him and he's been trying to stay sober and he's having a real problem and he's just slowly and he needs help. So the meeting ends and I make a feeline for this son of a gun, you know what I mean, and I say, Hey, listen, this is what we did at the sunset room on Saturdays. I said, listen, we're going to go across the street to the diner over there. I've got with loose crust from the sunset books. So the restaurant with me and my sponsor. Guys just want to come along with us. And he says thanks, but I'm gonna go home and watch the game and don't get ahead of me. You now this is there's a lesson here. You know, I spent eight years on relay in this town, every Friday night for twelve hours, fielding calls from anybody who wanted to come to alcoholics anonymous. You learn a lot by talking to alcoholics. You know there's a possibility that if you're an alcoholic you might be sicker than you actually think you are. There's a possibility. I probably spent the first ten years sober. You can't tell how sick you are if you're drink it. You got to do is you got to get sober it. Don't spend ten years deal with life as you slowly discover what this real freaking disease is. It ain't the alcohol. Alcohol has nothing to do. Alcohol is just one of the symptoms the real disease. There's in your mind, your body. Trust me, I was an alcoholic and I talked from experience. I'm not trying to sell you anything and I think I'm talking about the stuff the big book, and I be wrong. You check the Big Book Down Yourself. Don't believe me, but you know, the bottom line is is that the truth of my life is that I was an alcoholic long before I took my first dry and I was an alcoholic during my drinking and I've been an alcohol for last forty years without the drink. And the bottom line is is I drank alcohol because no, no woman, no car, no amount of money, no suit of clothes, no prestige. We're although it worked, not of it work just as well or just as fast as just a few drinks. And if I could drink out all day and have to do for me what differently what it was, say ten or nineteen years old, still be drinking it. But to deal with me is alcohol stopped working for me and unfortunately, for me. It's stopped working for me about ten years before I realised stuff works for me. I heard a lot of people. So I went up to my sponsor and and that's what ten first ten years maybe, was all about learning what the real dissease is. You know, I don't know how long it took you, who maybe it takes two months, three months? Who Wake up in bed? You got a million voices. They're all saying shit like you're an asshole. You have to fill yourself and you look around in the in the shower, ladder or not, some voices. You're never going to get this in your piece of crap, you know, and you look around see you say that Shit to you and you're the only one in the shower. You know, you walk around telling yourself you don't give a crap what other people think about you. And sometimes you'll tell you I'll give a shit a thing about me and and then somewhere along the line,...

...maybe way have to you have twenty years, you said, realizing that people that really don't give a crap what other people think about them never say I don't give a crop on other people think about me. They say things like that's to catch up, but they don't say that Shit, you know what I mean? And you realize that your entire life, your entire life, you've always been looking at other people and trying to figure out what they think about you and try to make yourself look in some way so that you're acceptable, because you're not only an alcohol you're an acceptable haul and you're please love me, a haul it, please don't reject me, a haul it. And you got also to shit going on in your mind. That's all about this alcoholism that lives in your mind. It doesn't go away because you stop drinking. That's the real deal, you under said. That moves you around from place to place. This selfish, this is self sidness, driven by hunter forms of fear, self delusion, self seeking, stepping into the old tones of others that they retaliate, seemed, believe, without provocation. You realize somewhere along the line, I don't know, ten years, fourteen years, twenty years, that you've made decisions based upon self. I mean, how are you going to have way? Selfishness is the answer. How are you to get rid of selfish this way? You don't even see yourself as selfish. You think of pretty much a good guy. You don't realize how fucking evil you are. You know, take you, you learned by doing this thing. Life is hubbly experience. Eight years sober, you can hit over an industry as of man, I really am an asshole. You realize that? You know I really can't stop thinking of myself. I can stop drinking, but I can't stop thinking. I really do just sit around worried about what's going to happen to me and what's going to happen you. In all that, you I am one sick puppy and you try to get rid of that. and that ain't like putting a plug in the jug. You put the blood in the jug. It just gets worse, but it gets better. It's worse, it gets better. It's kind of strange. So I say to my sponsor what's good that guy? He made that whole speech about the deal, that nobody loves him or whatever, for that is he's talking about. And my sponsor says to this to me, because I didn't realize that he was. I actually thought that when people ask for help this it's crazies suck. I actually have this idea. What somebody asked for help. They actually want help. But of course I don't know anything about the alcoholic mind. I must senduntil an alcohol accepts his alcoholis and all its consequences, sobriety to be precarious of true happiness. They'll find out it all their consequences to be an alcoholic. My when my first wife said to me, after five years of coming in at three o'clock in the morning and leaving her there with a wife and baby because I was sitting in the bar looking at the women wishing I could be with one of them, that's another story. I never physically cheated on my life. I gave myself a real pat of the bat for that. I just sounded the bar with a bunch of the common side gots and a bunch of the other DA's and everything, just look at the blots of the redheads, wishing I could cheat on my life and the three o'clock I'd roll on. So when my wife, my first wife, said to me, if you come home drunk one more time, I'm divorcing you with at on one Friday morning and I was as sober as I am right now, physically sober, and she was just like delivering the mail. She was inside. So I just thought you wanted to know. You come home drunk one time I'm leaving them. I graduated departmental hon it's in that Maatics. I was going for PhD in Algebak topology. I became a division chief of the States Attorney's office and the States Attorney's office and I was in a dummy. You know, and that she said that to me. Twelve words. If you come home drunk, I'm leaving you. I walked out door, I go out of my car and I drove three blocks, stopped and wive and I said this. What the hell did she mean by that? Let me tell you something. Whenever that is important you, it should have been important to was right up there on the line, and somebody says twelve words, if you come drunk, and word time, I'm leaving you. And that puzzles you, you're in for a long, hard road in life. You selling. I'm saying that's and, but that's alcoholism.

That's a consequence of alcoholism, because when an alcoholic, when alcoholic here's something, read something or told something, usually the truth that they don't like. It confuses them, sometimes it pisses them off. Sometimes they walk out of the room, after hearingything, one truth that will save their lives, and they say, who invited that Asshole to speak? And then eight years later they come up to you and they say, you know, I used to hate you, but no, I love you. But you know, it's like ts Eliot said, we will not keep we will not see truck, to see SAR searching, and then the end, after all our exploration, will come to the place that we began, having known the place for the first time. And so all of a sudden, do you have five years sobriety and you read the Big Book and you read a line in the big book that you Break Fifty Times. Didn't they can applied to you, didn't mean anything and all this holy Shit. That's the deal. And you change slowly. So that's what I said to him. I said lives about the guy said what's the matter with that guy? I went up to him, said you love he said, well, you know, Russ some people want help and some people just want to tension. So sometimes you got to ask yourself, but you just want to tention. Sometimes you got to ask yourself to get twenty, thirty, forty, fifty, sixty years old and you're still chasing sex and chasing romance and so worried about the things of this world. You got to say to you, Solf, or maybe you have to get a sponsor, says to you, Russell. So when the fuck are you going to grow up? What are you going to become a man? When are you going to stop this bullshit? We're need going to stop being a forty or fifty year old man acting like a stupid thirteen year old, chasing your Dick around the town, doing stupid shit. What are you going to stop doing that stuff? You know? I mean he used to say, why do you do this shit you do sober? Why do you say the stuff you said? Well, wow, why are you do that? And I'd say to him, well, that's just my personality, which why, frankly, I was in love with and he said to me this. He said, well, let me tell you something, your personality is killing I know how to stop drinking. How do you get rid of that personality? You do that. I didn't come a grow on it, you know, because unless you learn how to become a grown up, unless you stop worrying about what other people think of about of you, unless you learn the secret on this deal which takes a long time and most people never make it. You will never stop worrying about money, you will never stop worrying about economic insecurity and, trust me, you will never stop worrying about the judgment of other people. You do it even today. You sit in your AA ruins and you're going to say something, but you don't say because you're worried about what people think about you. If you're saying you want to mention the word God or say something about God, but you're scared to think somebody will judge you were laughing. You spend more time worrying about whether you should say something or not say something, even if it's honest or since here, or what you said or how you said it when you walk out of here, and that's all Vapid, unbelievable fear that you can't get rid of it. It kills you in life, and that's in an AA room where they have God all over the walls, that we shouldn't even were supposed to lose fear of other people and just a bunch of scared adults, of everybody in the room what they think about, because you can't even be yourself. It was one of the one of the one of the one of the things that alcoholics, you know, and they we talk about the symptoms of alcoholics and onness and the things that really is alcoholism, and one of those things is such a desire to have people like you. So you always watching other of people...

...and trying to figure out what can I say? Do have by I spent more bond money buying shit I didn't need with money. I don't have to impress people. I don't even like Max it out credit cards because I would buy stuff because it would make me feel good. No, I don't drink alcohol. What I do is I just buy shit, spend money to other stuff. That self destructive call manager in the book in s wrote a book called man against themself. He said it was all about suicide. They have a whole chapter on alcoholics. He says alcohol some men women have to destroy themselves. You can you many think you know everything. They'll figure out how to kill themselves. Give fame for they'll figure out how to kill themselves. And that's the disease you're dealing with. And here's the really crazy thing about the disease you have. The disease and one of the one of the parts about disease you don't even see you have it. And the other part is if you ever run into somebody, you don't realize how I'm saying you are. By the way, you know that second step around the first step. We were that we all go all of the place. Here's the deal. You know that second step. Thing came to believe that a power grating yourself good restore your sanity. They baby you got that in this group to say public right. So listen, let me let me suggest something to you. Those like advanced this, trust me, I'm giving you advanced shit. This is advanced a a. That second step came to believe that a power grade and self could restore us to sanity. Let me explain this. The only way you could be restored to sanity is you have to be in it's sae this. This is so fucking advanced. You see how why they are they're trying to figure out what that is. That's like when my wife said become on drunk, wards, on dead, trying. That's what he said. Some people want to help, some people just want to tell you said that's the truth. If you had any idea how crazy you fucking are, how nuts you are if you have this disease, even as you're sitting there saying this guy doesn't know me. No, actually, I do know you. I do have to sponsoring hundreds of people. Any think I know you. Here's what the problem is. You don't know you. You know. You're just trying to figure you out and how you can get better. You got a million thoughts in mind. How can I bet it? Why do I feel the way? What am I going to feel better? What am I not going to stop feeling like an asshole? What am I going to feel good? What am I and the only? And you're an I, if you're like me, and I'll tell you something. One of the old ideas of alcoholics is nobody could ever understand me. I'm so freaking unique. Nobody could understand. How can I explain? I can explain it to myself. Nobody could understand me. I mean, if only you're at a yes butter. Every day I get up and I say to myself, if only I had a new down, if only my wife would change, if only I had a new carbon we have more money. Only was lost fifty pounds. If only if I and then I've run around trying to get all that shit together, and I get it together. would be greatful, like an hour, and then it's all fuck me again. It's all shit. You know what I mean. How much time you have? You thirty days. You identify with this shit? Do Identify? Which? Just you know why? That's fucking alcoholism, not the drinking. You drink, because that's the way you drink. We drank for a sobriety sucks. Men and women drink, as I like the effective just by alcohol, because the rest, as you're both discontented. UN once they can again experience sense of he's couple wo comes at once by taking a few drinks. We drank the course. We're sue a fucking sideal and we like to really blow our fucking brains out. And sometimes, as you get well er in AA, drinking is out of the question, but suicide is looking pretty good. And if you're an alcoholic like me, you will walk around thinking I wish I was dead or kill myself. But the great thing about drinking it's like committing suicide, but you wake up, because I wouldn't mind being dead and out of you. I'm just don't like the dying part. You understand what I'm saying I want to skip that part and not breathing part. You know any but you see what I could do. As I can think a pole of Scotch, I can be back and I'm like God, I'm dead until I wake up the next morning. You know what I mean. And that's the deal. That's alcoholism.

So I can tell you. Then I drank it, then I drank and then I drank and then I drank and then I drank them that and this happened. Then I drank and all our stories to be the same and we're all ended. Then I drank and then I drank and then I drank, and you would think that that's alcoholism, but that's not alcoholism. That's the symptom of alcoholism. Alcoholism is why you can't stand so being sober. And so when you see a guy who's got five years or ten years or fifteen or thirty years, and you will see that in here, and he comes in, he says, I had ten years and then I drank, I got fifteen years and then I drank at three months and then I drank. He's not drinking because he craves alcohol. I understand the grave me deal. I ain't can understand the obsession with you, you know, because I had that. But when somebody, after three months or six months, is away from the alcohol and they go out and run again and they start drinking, that's not because they're craving alcoholics. They had a first drink. Question is, well, why did the seventh bitch drink? And he'll say something like this. I stopped going to meeting, I stopped speaking my sponsor, I stopped continue with doing the steps or whatever it is. And so you'll say this, well, I got the answer. I'm just never going to stop doing that, I'm never going to stop going to means. But you don't realize it's that guy who drank. He was sitting where you were five years ago and he said himself, I just won't stop going to meats. Yeah, he's so sudden. You got to ask yourself. Don't Chink? It was in Dutch. Wish was as simple as that. You could just make a pronounce that I'm not gonna have a drink. How anybody ever said? Anybody ever say I'm not gonna have a drink today. How that work out for me? Yeah, you make a pronounce that. You really think you're powerful, right, I think you have power and will back. I'm not going to stop. Going to means. I'm not going to yeah, wait till the redhead comes along, wait till the redhead comes along, wait till the baseball game comes along, wait till the boss comes along, whatever it is, you know, wait till you get a little sprouting under your Doug, you get too well and too cast. Wait till you get your car back, to the money, back to sleep with the big bad then we'll see what's going on you. And he said, I mean this is a serious disease. So I mean, it's crazy and I'm gonna try to, you know, explain to him. Listen, one did. One of the problems is is that is an alcoholic, one of my old ideas that nobody'll understanding. And on different what I do is that come in here and I realized that everybody understands me, because the only act to do for a good day means basits here and once you learn how to fake that, you got it made. And just tell the truth, because the D I mean I've been to the convention. I said this stuff, I told my story. People come up to me, black people, white people, fat people. Then people you know. I mean really, women, men, you're telling my stories, you're talking about me, talking about me. We're all actually twins. You know, if you just knew about yourself and learn about and just tell the truth as to what's going on, you know five you will come and you say, man, you're talking about me, and you'll say I want to talk about, talking about because that's the deal. So I thought if I thought it, you probably thought. If I've done, you probably done some of the situation. That details might to change, but no difference with disease. The disease is actually the same. And being rocket in the fourth dimension the great fact, the thing that gets you to that point, if you ever get to that point, takes a little one. There's a big difference between non drinking and being sober. Trust me, the difference. But that will get it too later on. When my sponsors with thirty, forty years used to look at a man say that guy sober. You you mean he was not drinking. A lot of people are not drinking but they're not happy their sobriety. They're not happy in life, they're not content, they're not in peace with themselves. They have a lost fear of people of reckon out insecurity. You stand what I'm saying. A lot of people not drinking. There's victims to not drinking and having the promises working full time, every day, every second your life. May your difference between that deal. Let me tell you. They tell you that deal. So the bottom line, so here I it's real fast. I'm not going to go through...

...the the drink that stuff real fast, but the bottom you know, myselfish myself. So I fall in love with this gal when I'm seventeen years old, eighteen years old, I'm going to let me see what I was doing. I was making twenty, going to your some Mam. I was crazy in love with her. Eight twenty years old, crazy love, a lot of sex, right, because when you're eighteen twenty years old, that's all you think about. And so I was loved. You had sex with me. I was in love with you, because they could be a fucking frog, didn't matter. I want I was a lounge lizard. I wanted what she had and I was going to go to any leath to get and trust you know what I mean. And I'm sit there in the lounge. I'm the guy in the lounge. I'm like a Venus fly trap, you know, and I'm sitting there and I'm in love with this Gal and aware seeing ourselves. You know, it's really true. Out He love. You know, I really didn't know what Love was until I came down, boss, I really had no idea. Apparently, love is actually given a shit about somebody else. Did you know that? I'm it's true. It's true. Love is actually caring about you know what I first experienced love and it was an a where some guy didn't even know. I didn't even know to had about five days sobriety and they held up a white ship. They said there's anybody? Some guys stood up. Some Guy said before the me. He said, he said, he said, I need help, I can't stop drinking and I had enough five or six day sobriety and said if anybody wants to stop drinking, take a pickle like ship. I left the guy and I'm saying to my mind pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, and he went to pick it up and I clap at everybody else clapped us. First Time I experienced true love. I never experienced that feeling ever before. I can go boss, all I experienced is what what I wanted. Sacks money, whatever your approval would have I never experience really give it a shit. My sponsor wants asked me, you know how you doing? I said great, is you must be getting your own way, and he was right. An hour later I wasn't. I was pissed off. So I'm the love of this Gal and I do this. You got to forgive me the sinolarly thing. I my wife actually had the test. My Wife's remember, Ellen O, a ladyship perpetual revenge. You know I mean, she knows how to do an AL on test stuff. When I'm wrong. She'd probably have been S it. So it a was so she would chappy tested. This is true. She stood in front of me, between me and the TV, with her hands on interested. You never listen to a word I say, and I'm thinking, what a strange way to start a conversation. You know what a name about that. In any event, you know. So she actually tested my hearing. They said, no, it's here, he's fine. Then she took me, I went to another DOCTU and they put me on a machine to see whether I had some sort of problem by brain, because she said you don't seem to pay attention to anything. You don't react anything. You know, it's almost like I don't exist or stuff like that. So he gave me the brain thing. We Guy said no, he's fine. And you know, I've got for forty years, what least thirty years of that time, I've been trying to get to a point where I'm not disturbed by life. And I finally get to that point, my wife thinks I'm seen. Oh, and I'm thinking she may be right, but it's okay, it doesn't feel so you know what I mean. They go, what's the difference? You know. So the guy says me, after going out for a year, my name was Lynne. She's a New Jersey or hivers Miami. She said, my parents, who haven't seen you any of your want me to go up to New York, New Jersey, and spend Christmas with them. And here's what I think. You know, I'm sure you guys have I say I'm thinking. Well, I said this. I said, well, what about me? What about me? What the hell am I going to do? What about me? We have this major argument. That's what am I going to do? What am I gonna Doing? And don't think I didn't know she had a boyfriend up there, an old boyfriend of there. I think she was going to put a bit of that guy. I knew that...

...was I knew that, but yet, you know what, I'm got cheat on me, you know, and I'm dying, you know. So she left it with her, her parents or boy from whatever. Songs in there thinking about the bitch that I was in love with, Gust knows. And so I have an idea. I have a brain storm, because alcoholics, you are brilliant, you know, and I there was a card that I had maxed out, so I forgot. I'M gonna buy a plane ticket, I'm going to go up there and I'm going to surprise her. What do you you know, you're like judging me, you know. Yeah, gost never did that Shit. You know what I mean? So I fly up there and I Christmasday, I knocking, going to say hey, it's me, I'm here to ruin your Christmas. Well, I call it love. The cops called stalking, but I know what hell they know. All right, myselfish. I didn't think I'm selfish. I thought I'm a caring guy. You know, that kind of deal. You know, that's my whole life thinking about me. What do I want? Getting what I want feel so I'm a I'm a Selfpneohl. So I wake up the moneys. I'm not going to have a drink today. I've o'clock. I'm drunk. You know, I wake up a morning sound like going to Pie Houesday by five o'clock up. Look at the dimes. That was a quarters, by a quarter. I have gallant bottle of Carlos. Rusty can't and sit by my photograph. And then he had photograms. And I don't need use it to feel so hard for myself. Get drunk, but it sort of helps. You know, I play my alki songs. I only you had alky songs, you know, only the lonely. I missed the blue, rainy days and Mondays always get me down. A pirate looks at forty running on empty. Is always a good while. You know what I mean. I'm sitting there and I'm drinking. I'm thinking about all those women that did me wrong, you know, the bitches, you know, and I'm thinking about my funeral. You know what it's like. I'm thinking about my funeral. I'm Dad, I'm dead. You know, because what they did to me and how they treated me, and there's a funeral and all them bitches are around the coffin and they feel like shit, but as well they should, because they know how they treated me. I'm not actually dead, by the way. I'm hide the treat watching the hole. DARNED thing. You know, I think when you get to that point, I think there's a problem. I'm personally thinking there's a problem at that point. You know. I mean, I'm not crashing cars again to the wise, I'm just nuts, and alcohol has a little do with it, because I can't stop drinking, kid. But you want to know something, you know I'm heat is I mean you can. I mean the bottom lines, but the bottom line is, bottom line is not not crazy, and I don't even really lize how crazy I am. So there's a lobbyous of a lot of things that happened. I'm not going to go into that, but I don't want to go over my win. What's the story? When do I have? When am I what did I spoke to? Oh, it's to our mean, so in anyone, I don't realize, but in any event. So the bottom line is, I'm gonna go straightforward. I got to a point in my life where I di Worce my mine so much stuck. Should I can tell you about how I treated. I came home drump that night. She take me out. Well, yeah, this one. I didn't understand what she said. Come on, one more time, I'm leaving you. That's not the way it worked. She kicked me out of the House. I apparently left her, you know, and but you wanted some as a walk in the car, leaving my house on Miami Beach, on the golf course and my wife and my child and everything that should be important to me, I was...

...ecstatic. I don't have to come on, I can go to the Bar, I can take that women. You know, I didn't have the guts to tell my wife I wanted a divorce. I mean, I love you, know I'm let me tell you something. I met her. I was like twenty, twenty one years old, or something like that. She walked into a college course, she had legs up here to the cheerleader. I said then, if I can only, if I could only have her, everything would be okay, y'all, ever say yourself, I can only have that Plouse, my life, my life could be don't you understand? I knew knew that my life, my entire life, would change if I can only have that car. I went down one day and I plumped down eight thousand dollars the first Camaro that came into Miami in one thousand nine hundred and seventy, and I knew my life was going to change. And I got that car and they said come back to Rosa. No, I wanted nice to know. We got a premit. No, you're not to break. You pay for we got a prepen and I came down that next morning, that Saturday morning, at eight o'clock, to get that car, and I got in that car, man, and everything changed for me. You know, I knew I was okay now with that brand new camerao go with a white land out top, and I drew that drove down all the the road and I knew the entire world was I knew every woman in China was looking at me, you know what I mean? There I knew everybody was. I had the shirt on, I was about a hundred fifty pounds less than I am right now. I was buff, I had a cigarette of my life my mouth. I had like sleeves rolled up with a cigarette pack in there. I had the sunglasses on, you know what I mean. I'm just waiting for them to be discovering me. You know, I knew they were all looking at me. I was waiting to be discovered. I stopped that. You know, I don't need alcohol to be drunk. I walk in a bar with a goodlooking Gal and they're all looking at me. I'm high as a kite, you know what I mean. Every everything makes me high, you know, and I'm going after it. And so I'm driving down that thing and I stopped at the Red Light, and also some guy drives up next to me in a brand new CATILLAC. Can work some old, some old fat bastard, probably looks like me right now, you know, sitting next to him as the Playboy bunny. I look at him, he looks at me. I look at him, he looks at me. I say to myself, why can't I have a crime like that? Yeah, the feeling lasted three blocks. Payments last at thirty six months. That kept me coming back from more. Every year I had to get a new one. You know, that is by the way, that's alcoholism. Why don't you figure out how to get rid of the envy of the lust? Once you get a watch. Try To get rid of the lust of the things of this world. Why don't you try to figure out how to give her that stuff? Because every time you're feeling depressed and sorry for yourself and fucked up, sober, it's because of the stuff of this world. Figure out how to not lust after the stuff of this world. figure out how them not left after be depended upon people and their approval. figure out how to not do that. Then I'll tell you whether you're sober or not. figure out how to stop complaining about what you don't have. figure out how the only thing that supports you in your life is helping other people. Figure out, like it says that we let's get rid of socialist, we must start kills us. God makes that possible. Figure out what that's all about. Figure out what that's all about, what he's trying to figure to have not to do the God thing, because you know it's bullshitus with spiritual not religions, but all the founders were religious as shit. You know. figure out how, when it says there is one who has all power, that one is God made you find him now, how to order that thing down. figure out how, when it says you got to utterly give yourself, abandon yourself to God. figure out when it's said. When it says we're...

...on a new base, the base of trust, relying upon God, where it says we never apologize for God. We never apologize. All better faith, that courage, they trust their God. We never apologize. You let him demonstrate a life who we are. figure out what it says, all that stuff of Bill Wilson says the Lord's goods are wontful to me, curbias sevils, he's not got to keep talking about it and tell helping other people. Figure out what Dr Bob says. If you have some sort of pride, intellectual pride, that keeps you from understanding what the Hell we're trying to tell you, I feel sorry for you. You're heavenly father will never let to let you down. figure out how. When the book says there is one who has all power. That one is God. I when the book says, and Bill Wilson says in his story, he says, but I still hated God. I still hated God. I had an antipty puts God. I couldn't I couldn't bring myself and leaving God because the hackles of my neck grew up and like it says, the Chapter Agnostics, and then it's princess will. He says, well, if you can't love God, if you care do it, if you can't do the God that, then why don't you just use your own conception of God as a compromise? As a compromise. Some people never get off of the compromise. You know, this is scription tender to the actually think that's the deal. But I will promise you this. You will get out of that. This ain't address rehearsal and you will experience and get out of this thing to the extent that you basically abandon yourself and you surrender yourself this thing. And now you're in an aim where it says, once you make that sincere decision for God, allsorts of remarkable things happen to be in all powerful. We could be everything, you need, everything if you stay close to him and performance work well, and it's what work is to love other people and help other people. So progre out how you're going to do that when you have a big book that all it tells you is see to your relationship with him as right. A greater events will come best you will come as others and you got a group of I don't know. I love the fellowship. I want to tell something. It well people's and nymous. When you have a group of people described by people that you feel, you get the clear indication as you're sitting here that if you talk about God, they're not going to like you, and then understand that one of the consequences being not Bolis. You need to be liked by other people and you can't stand on somebody doesn't like me. That's one of the problems. I said to my sponsor. Once you haven't get resentments, he says, get him. I give them is and how to do that. That understand if I thought people like so figure out how you're going to get this thing when you have this marvelous fellowship that gives you clear indication that they're so superior to religious people that they're spiritual, not religious. I'm religious and spiritual and one evil son of a bitch. You know something because I know who I am and I know without God in my life and without my focus on him, and you know what the great facts says. You can know what the great fact says, what rot it says. God has to be the central fact of your life. You've got to be convinced that he lives in your heart of mind in the way we se miraculous. He's going to do if he would killing yourself, and that's very hard to do when you're more worried about what the guy said next you was thinking about you's not even pain to visa bill and you're trying and you get the clear indication that maybe the God thing is in the way to go. I'll just be God, as I understand them, and maybe you want to consider the possibility, the possibility that the God they said, the God that they say, what do they say? There is one who has all power. That what is God made you find him now you may want to consider the God that has all power, the one God that has all power. You may forget my figure out the possible that that God, whatever the God is that they're they're talking about, that Bill Willson and bought Dr Bob were talking about, maybe different than the god of your understanding, that there may be actually a...

...difference between the god of your meager understanding and the God that has all power. And maybe you know, you know that there's a possible that you might your mind my limit God and limit God to the extent that you never experience any of these promises, except maybe a little bit of the not drinking thing. And so you think you're on the right tractors and you're all they celebrates drinking, but you're not willing to do the extra credit ship or the tough and stuff to grow the fuck up. Maybe that's what you want to think about. I'm like done here. What Nice one did I start Houston. I started seven. So in any event, so what if that? I don't know what it takes time. Sometimes I'll be sponsoring somebody else. They well, they'll talk about a problem they're having. Got About five years, ten years, fifteen years. I say, don't worry about it, you'll be okay, twenty years, don't put you got nothing to do. So I'm going to tell one story. Untill one story I got. We got like ten mints, least ten minutes. I Tell Leo Story. So this is a true story, when I was ten years sober. Now let's don't get offense. Well, get offended, Shad, you know I got offendant. Not Going to bother me. You know you'll be. You'll be walking out of here hating my God, saying I hate that guy who tell envited them. I'll be going to have, you know, steak or something like that, but the God, I said. But any that so what I was tending year sober. You get. I'm just going to take this is my life and this is the life of most of people I know. To have thirty, forty years doesn't necessarily have to be your life with this is my life. There will come a time in your life where, if you don't grow spiritual and you don't surrender more, you will get to the point where you will stay sober to a certain amount of time, but soon you will you will not be happy with your sopriety. Envision, for they say here and there, once in a while a person pride, you know, says feel better, look better, haveing, have bey time we smiled such a sally. You know he'll try the old game again because he's not happy with the sprite. No, who, no, sooner, no, longeans you do, and you won't even realize that's happening, because one of the incredible things about I used to say to my sponsor had these mean sponsors. I'll talk to you about that later means sponsors. I used to say to my sponsor, I said I'm set because they treated me nasty, were nasty, nasty, you know. Then I said to my sponsor, I'm sensing me. Says, don't Rust radartist as sensor, you're just touching. It's different. But here's the incredible thing. Although we are sense them, the same thing about alcoholics is we can take we can live the most incredible, miserable, horrible life and and think we're okay and put out with it. It's amazing how horrible our lives can be, how terrible it can be, and we sort of think that that's the way it is. We don't think get them because our alcohol light seems normal to us. We can't share the proof of the false. So no matter how horrible we feel, we feel like we're doing okay because we've never felt anything but this. He does. So I'm saying. So it's a it's pretty incredible thing. So somewhere around ten years, so that's what happens with sobriety. You get a certain point where you're not drinking, they're handing your battalions to spots of people, you're doing all the work and everything like that and you're not happy, but you don't know you're not happy. You just feel like you're doing okay and sometimes you are happy. I have good times and Thea is good and it's wonderful, it's better than it was before, but you're certainly not experiencing the deal. One time you'll run into somebody. You'll see somebody like I did Al Kennedy. You'll see, you'll see. I don't tell you an Escamon, you'll see the deal. You'll see somebody who has been rocking for dimension.

You'll say, what the fuck was that? I want I want to live that stuff. We'll see it. Al Kenny, he's dying of cancer, giving a meeting and talking to people and saying that I want to hang up that guy, that that's incredible. Somebody'll say, well, you know he's going to cancer. will say no, tell about the guy just spoken the meeting, a Stot of cancer. He's got six US, like I said, even say anything about died of cancer and I just spent through the Sung about a hangnail. You know what I mean. Guy's dying of cancer, he's got six months to live and he's doing I mean he's trying to help other people and he's happy as a clam. It's like you just won the lottery. is saying, what the Hell is that shit? And you realize there's difference to me not drinking and sober, because all I do is complained. Where he someone? I was about ten years sober. I got to a point of my life where things were going so that you wouldn't know if you saw because I was talking around the beans as fun some people. I was doing all the stuff, and alcoholics have a lot of tremis about a pride, you know. So that I'm not coming nothing. I'm so not going to tell you. I'm not gonna tell anybody. You know, I'm gonna try to fix it myself with my brain. You know my brain power and and that kind of thing, and good buying. Ten years you know I can double digits and I wasn't doing well. And to make a long story shout the reason with that ult land wound up in the BUYB and I'm not going to go into all that. Maybe later or something like that. I want up to that, which which led to a whole other different deal. And you can look at the book where they encourage church membership and all that stuff and we'll talk about that maybe some other time. We talked about Maintenance and growth of the spiritual condition. They getting closer to God and stuff like that, but anything. So I'm I've had about fifteen years sobriety and I'm dry and I and I go to this my house. I'm a new housetop and I'm in the house by and it's by a dry cleaner, by the dry cleaner. If you driving the drive cleaner, you can actually see my house and you can see the go for my house and I drive into the strike cleaner and in my car, you know, at that time, you know, I would have all these books. I would have a big book and have a big big book and I have a twelve and twelve. I'd have the Holy Bible, you know. But I mean what big Sucker, you know, a King Jimmy Bible? You know, Kim Jane, a big red you can hit somebody with that kill him. You know what I mean? If you have big Bible there and also stuff. And I'm driving around and I pull up to the the dry cleaner and there's this kid there and he's like sixteen years old, seventeen years old. I don't know, and he's wearing his pants down to his knees. Has Everybody ever seen this? I don't seen so much now, but back then, you know, they he was wearing his pants. I don't even know what holds him up. He's like the belt is like six inches above his knees and he's and he's going like this. He says hey, there he goes. Hey Man, he says. I said, what's your name? He says Leo, My Name's Leo. I said Hey, nice speak to Leo. How you doing? But he says fine. He says, you know, I got one of those. That's how he points like these. I got one of those, one at all. He was it. I said, you mean a Bible. Yeah, I got a Bible. I go one of those, he says. I said You ever repeat it? And he says, you know, the God of my instance says, I try to. I try to love and help everybody. You don't have to have the day in your pocket. You helped him. So I said you reading, says I well, I try to read. It's hard to read, I said. I said Hey, I'll tell you what I said. You see that house over there? Is Is? Yes, says every Thursday morn to thirty, I go to Bible study, but a bunch of men and everything like that. If you are at my house, you know like seven o'clock fifteen at my house. There next Thursday. He says, which Thursday, which is the next day? It was next day, tomorrow. He says, I'll take you the boible seas. There's really this is absolutely since that next lot and I'll leave the true story. You can't make this shit up. You can't really good. But so I leave and I go around to do...

...my stuff. I forget all about the you know, and I wake up the next morning, go out to go to my Bible study, which has a bunch of recovery people there. But in that did that twenty guys man between the ages of like, you know, twenty five and in ninety. Ninety guys have been studying the source, the erro because I'm sure you guys know, if you read talk about the good old timers, the books that they found absolutely essential during the first four years of a with it wasn't a big book, was first worth Thirteen surmer of the mountain with the James Roans called the James Club. So I know you guys know that those are the books they read. They the whole thing comes out of bout you had as a mate. The bottom line is, when I start doing that big book Kame like technical Tele but the bottom line is so when I pulled up, when I went outside, standing by my car is Leo, Leo, Hey, how are you doing? He fine, he says, Hey, you made it. I said, okay, get on the car. We're going. So I go over to the Bible study with the fourth yet of this like twenty guys are, twenty five guys here. Leo sais there. He's like sixteen years old. All these guys are like forty to nine years old. He's like they're look at this kid, you know, he's like red meat, you know what I mean? He's like, you know, they looking at this kid like they love them. They just love the fact that he's there. So it goes around. I don't even know what talked about whatever. Who knows what talk about, like conservative, and I finally gets at Leo at the last embracings. He says I think Jesus was an alien. He's guys, really serious, you know. He's a serious guys. And you look at me and they say? They say, yeah, he's an alien. Keep coming back. That's they said, was say keep coming back. We love it in honomy. Because say the real deal, they love them. You know what I mean. They love you. Could do no more. So I drive him, I going to drive him back, and he says to me, could you do me a favor? I said love. He says, could you drive me to my house? I said sure, he's just direct me how to do it and I start driving. To me He's told me a story and he's a sixteen old kid and his mom works, you know, and her it's my praying. That deal. So he says go go back to your house and they says they make a left and I make a last. They just will drive down to it stops. I make a run, make a right. This is drive a y. You make a laught and make a right, make a laugh right. So we're about six or seven miles away from my house and he says that's my towns there, full up there. So I pull up there and I said, man, it's good to see. I said how do you how you touch you get to my house, and he said so he woke up three o'clock the morning and walked to my house because he got there early. Absolutely didn't want to be late, and I got guys and that asked me like how can I do this thing? And I said we got to go there is what that's kind of far. I'll do a step series up in Bocor a tone. He says, we you do my sponsor? He said, well, you know, I'm a little far away, but I'm happy to do it. It's what am I doing is just come on down. We're going to have workshop my house down in Miam XS and that's kind of fares and I know I just drove it this message to you. So I'm always looking for the LEOs. You know, there's Leos and then there's the pretenders. If you're going to deal without polt, to deal with a lot of pretenders, a lot of funny belongings. You deal with what action? Sometimes the pretenders should become the real thing. You never know. So I thank you very much. Gout less.

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