AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 5 months ago

Russell S. Talk 1 at the Sabal Palm Group 8/11/2021

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Russell S. Talk 1 at the Sabal Palm Group, Miami, FL 8/11/2021   

I'm at the sunset room and Iyou know, this crazy thing about losing fear, people in economic insecurity andthe really screwed up and meetings like this, because she just just try to letyou just try to love on people. That's all. Just want to lovethem and help him out, you know. So it's hard to staywith the script. You just do it the spirit. Tell they did,do you know what I mean? You know what I mean. So I'mat the sunset room with that and you know, Sheldon said you need abig book. I said, just screw me up, you know what Imean? And Sam at the sunset room and some guy says I had aboutthree or four years, I don't know. I'm sitting there with my sponsor thatit's packed and some guy, he says he interests himself. He sayshe's brandow an alcoholics anonymous, and he says he's been going there for abouttwo months and he says he can't find anybody to talk to. You know, he doesn't have any friends. He feels like he's alone, feels likenobody really cares about him and he's been trying to stay sober and he's havinga real problem and he's just slowly and he needs help. So the meetingends and I make a feeline for this son of a gun, you knowwhat I mean, and I say, Hey, listen, this is whatwe did at the sunset room on Saturdays. I said, listen, we're goingto go across the street to the diner over there. I've got withloose crust from the sunset books. So the restaurant with me and my sponsor. Guys just want to come along with us. And he says thanks,but I'm gonna go home and watch the game and don't get ahead of me. You now this is there's a lesson here. You know, I spenteight years on relay in this town, every Friday night for twelve hours,fielding calls from anybody who wanted to come to alcoholics anonymous. You learn alot by talking to alcoholics. You know there's a possibility that if you're analcoholic you might be sicker than you actually think you are. There's a possibility. I probably spent the first ten years sober. You can't tell how sickyou are if you're drink it. You got to do is you got toget sober it. Don't spend ten years deal with life as you slowly discoverwhat this real freaking disease is. It ain't the alcohol. Alcohol has nothingto do. Alcohol is just one of the symptoms the real disease. There'sin your mind, your body. Trust me, I was an alcoholic andI talked from experience. I'm not trying to sell you anything and I thinkI'm talking about the stuff the big book, and I be wrong. You checkthe Big Book Down Yourself. Don't believe me, but you know,the bottom line is is that the truth of my life is that I wasan alcoholic long before I took my first dry and I was an alcoholic duringmy drinking and I've been an alcohol for last forty years without the drink.And the bottom line is is I drank alcohol because no, no woman,no car, no amount of money, no suit of clothes, no prestige. We're although it worked, not of it work just as well or justas fast as just a few drinks. And if I could drink out allday and have to do for me what differently what it was, say tenor nineteen years old, still be drinking it. But to deal with meis alcohol stopped working for me and unfortunately, for me. It's stopped working forme about ten years before I realised stuff works for me. I hearda lot of people. So I went up to my sponsor and and that'swhat ten first ten years maybe, was all about learning what the real disseaseis. You know, I don't know how long it took you, whomaybe it takes two months, three months? Who Wake up in bed? Yougot a million voices. They're all saying shit like you're an asshole.You have to fill yourself and you look around in the in the shower,ladder or not, some voices. You're never going to get this in yourpiece of crap, you know, and you look around see you say thatShit to you and you're the only one in the shower. You know,you walk around telling yourself you don't give a crap what other people think aboutyou. And sometimes you'll tell you I'll give a shit a thing about meand and then somewhere along the line,...

...maybe way have to you have twentyyears, you said, realizing that people that really don't give a crap whatother people think about them never say I don't give a crop on other peoplethink about me. They say things like that's to catch up, but theydon't say that Shit, you know what I mean? And you realize thatyour entire life, your entire life, you've always been looking at other peopleand trying to figure out what they think about you and try to make yourselflook in some way so that you're acceptable, because you're not only an alcohol you'rean acceptable haul and you're please love me, a haul it, pleasedon't reject me, a haul it. And you got also to shit goingon in your mind. That's all about this alcoholism that lives in your mind. It doesn't go away because you stop drinking. That's the real deal,you under said. That moves you around from place to place. This selfish, this is self sidness, driven by hunter forms of fear, self delusion, self seeking, stepping into the old tones of others that they retaliate,seemed, believe, without provocation. You realize somewhere along the line, Idon't know, ten years, fourteen years, twenty years, that you've made decisionsbased upon self. I mean, how are you going to have way? Selfishness is the answer. How are you to get rid of selfish thisway? You don't even see yourself as selfish. You think of pretty mucha good guy. You don't realize how fucking evil you are. You know, take you, you learned by doing this thing. Life is hubbly experience. Eight years sober, you can hit over an industry as of man,I really am an asshole. You realize that? You know I really can'tstop thinking of myself. I can stop drinking, but I can't stop thinking. I really do just sit around worried about what's going to happen to meand what's going to happen you. In all that, you I am onesick puppy and you try to get rid of that. and that ain't likeputting a plug in the jug. You put the blood in the jug.It just gets worse, but it gets better. It's worse, it getsbetter. It's kind of strange. So I say to my sponsor what's goodthat guy? He made that whole speech about the deal, that nobody loveshim or whatever, for that is he's talking about. And my sponsor saysto this to me, because I didn't realize that he was. I actuallythought that when people ask for help this it's crazies suck. I actually havethis idea. What somebody asked for help. They actually want help. But ofcourse I don't know anything about the alcoholic mind. I must senduntil analcohol accepts his alcoholis and all its consequences, sobriety to be precarious of true happiness. They'll find out it all their consequences to be an alcoholic. Mywhen my first wife said to me, after five years of coming in atthree o'clock in the morning and leaving her there with a wife and baby becauseI was sitting in the bar looking at the women wishing I could be withone of them, that's another story. I never physically cheated on my life. I gave myself a real pat of the bat for that. I justsounded the bar with a bunch of the common side gots and a bunch ofthe other DA's and everything, just look at the blots of the redheads,wishing I could cheat on my life and the three o'clock I'd roll on.So when my wife, my first wife, said to me, if you comehome drunk one more time, I'm divorcing you with at on one Fridaymorning and I was as sober as I am right now, physically sober,and she was just like delivering the mail. She was inside. So I justthought you wanted to know. You come home drunk one time I'm leavingthem. I graduated departmental hon it's in that Maatics. I was going forPhD in Algebak topology. I became a division chief of the States Attorney's officeand the States Attorney's office and I was in a dummy. You know,and that she said that to me. Twelve words. If you come homedrunk, I'm leaving you. I walked out door, I go out ofmy car and I drove three blocks, stopped and wive and I said this. What the hell did she mean by that? Let me tell you something. Whenever that is important you, it should have been important to was rightup there on the line, and somebody says twelve words, if you comedrunk, and word time, I'm leaving you. And that puzzles you,you're in for a long, hard road in life. You selling. I'msaying that's and, but that's alcoholism.

That's a consequence of alcoholism, becausewhen an alcoholic, when alcoholic here's something, read something or told something, usuallythe truth that they don't like. It confuses them, sometimes it pissesthem off. Sometimes they walk out of the room, after hearingything, onetruth that will save their lives, and they say, who invited that Assholeto speak? And then eight years later they come up to you and theysay, you know, I used to hate you, but no, Ilove you. But you know, it's like ts Eliot said, we willnot keep we will not see truck, to see SAR searching, and thenthe end, after all our exploration, will come to the place that webegan, having known the place for the first time. And so all ofa sudden, do you have five years sobriety and you read the Big Bookand you read a line in the big book that you Break Fifty Times.Didn't they can applied to you, didn't mean anything and all this holy Shit. That's the deal. And you change slowly. So that's what I saidto him. I said lives about the guy said what's the matter with thatguy? I went up to him, said you love he said, well, you know, Russ some people want help and some people just want totension. So sometimes you got to ask yourself, but you just want totention. Sometimes you got to ask yourself to get twenty, thirty, forty, fifty, sixty years old and you're still chasing sex and chasing romance andso worried about the things of this world. You got to say to you,Solf, or maybe you have to get a sponsor, says to you, Russell. So when the fuck are you going to grow up? Whatare you going to become a man? When are you going to stop thisbullshit? We're need going to stop being a forty or fifty year old manacting like a stupid thirteen year old, chasing your Dick around the town,doing stupid shit. What are you going to stop doing that stuff? Youknow? I mean he used to say, why do you do this shit youdo sober? Why do you say the stuff you said? Well,wow, why are you do that? And I'd say to him, well, that's just my personality, which why, frankly, I was in love withand he said to me this. He said, well, let metell you something, your personality is killing I know how to stop drinking.How do you get rid of that personality? You do that. I didn't comea grow on it, you know, because unless you learn how to becomea grown up, unless you stop worrying about what other people think ofabout of you, unless you learn the secret on this deal which takes along time and most people never make it. You will never stop worrying about money, you will never stop worrying about economic insecurity and, trust me,you will never stop worrying about the judgment of other people. You do iteven today. You sit in your AA ruins and you're going to say something, but you don't say because you're worried about what people think about you.If you're saying you want to mention the word God or say something about God, but you're scared to think somebody will judge you were laughing. You spendmore time worrying about whether you should say something or not say something, evenif it's honest or since here, or what you said or how you saidit when you walk out of here, and that's all Vapid, unbelievable fearthat you can't get rid of it. It kills you in life, andthat's in an AA room where they have God all over the walls, thatwe shouldn't even were supposed to lose fear of other people and just a bunchof scared adults, of everybody in the room what they think about, becauseyou can't even be yourself. It was one of the one of the oneof the one of the things that alcoholics, you know, and they we talkabout the symptoms of alcoholics and onness and the things that really is alcoholism, and one of those things is such a desire to have people like you. So you always watching other of people...

...and trying to figure out what canI say? Do have by I spent more bond money buying shit I didn'tneed with money. I don't have to impress people. I don't even likeMax it out credit cards because I would buy stuff because it would make mefeel good. No, I don't drink alcohol. What I do is Ijust buy shit, spend money to other stuff. That self destructive call managerin the book in s wrote a book called man against themself. He saidit was all about suicide. They have a whole chapter on alcoholics. Hesays alcohol some men women have to destroy themselves. You can you many thinkyou know everything. They'll figure out how to kill themselves. Give fame forthey'll figure out how to kill themselves. And that's the disease you're dealing with. And here's the really crazy thing about the disease you have. The diseaseand one of the one of the parts about disease you don't even see youhave it. And the other part is if you ever run into somebody,you don't realize how I'm saying you are. By the way, you know thatsecond step around the first step. We were that we all go allof the place. Here's the deal. You know that second step. Thingcame to believe that a power grating yourself good restore your sanity. They babyyou got that in this group to say public right. So listen, letme let me suggest something to you. Those like advanced this, trust me, I'm giving you advanced shit. This is advanced a a. That secondstep came to believe that a power grade and self could restore us to sanity. Let me explain this. The only way you could be restored to sanityis you have to be in it's sae this. This is so fucking advanced. You see how why they are they're trying to figure out what that is. That's like when my wife said become on drunk, wards, on dead, trying. That's what he said. Some people want to help, somepeople just want to tell you said that's the truth. If you had anyidea how crazy you fucking are, how nuts you are if you have thisdisease, even as you're sitting there saying this guy doesn't know me. No, actually, I do know you. I do have to sponsoring hundreds ofpeople. Any think I know you. Here's what the problem is. Youdon't know you. You know. You're just trying to figure you out andhow you can get better. You got a million thoughts in mind. Howcan I bet it? Why do I feel the way? What am Igoing to feel better? What am I not going to stop feeling like anasshole? What am I going to feel good? What am I and theonly? And you're an I, if you're like me, and I'll tellyou something. One of the old ideas of alcoholics is nobody could ever understandme. I'm so freaking unique. Nobody could understand. How can I explain? I can explain it to myself. Nobody could understand me. I mean, if only you're at a yes butter. Every day I get up and Isay to myself, if only I had a new down, if onlymy wife would change, if only I had a new carbon we have moremoney. Only was lost fifty pounds. If only if I and then I'verun around trying to get all that shit together, and I get it together. would be greatful, like an hour, and then it's all fuck me again. It's all shit. You know what I mean. How much timeyou have? You thirty days. You identify with this shit? Do Identify? Which? Just you know why? That's fucking alcoholism, not the drinking. You drink, because that's the way you drink. We drank for asobriety sucks. Men and women drink, as I like the effective just byalcohol, because the rest, as you're both discontented. UN once they canagain experience sense of he's couple wo comes at once by taking a few drinks. We drank the course. We're sue a fucking sideal and we like toreally blow our fucking brains out. And sometimes, as you get well erin AA, drinking is out of the question, but suicide is looking prettygood. And if you're an alcoholic like me, you will walk around thinkingI wish I was dead or kill myself. But the great thing about drinking it'slike committing suicide, but you wake up, because I wouldn't mind beingdead and out of you. I'm just don't like the dying part. Youunderstand what I'm saying I want to skip that part and not breathing part.You know any but you see what I could do. As I can thinka pole of Scotch, I can be back and I'm like God, I'mdead until I wake up the next morning. You know what I mean. Andthat's the deal. That's alcoholism.

So I can tell you. ThenI drank it, then I drank and then I drank and then I drankand then I drank them that and this happened. Then I drank and allour stories to be the same and we're all ended. Then I drank andthen I drank and then I drank, and you would think that that's alcoholism, but that's not alcoholism. That's the symptom of alcoholism. Alcoholism is whyyou can't stand so being sober. And so when you see a guy who'sgot five years or ten years or fifteen or thirty years, and you willsee that in here, and he comes in, he says, I hadten years and then I drank, I got fifteen years and then I drankat three months and then I drank. He's not drinking because he craves alcohol. I understand the grave me deal. I ain't can understand the obsession withyou, you know, because I had that. But when somebody, afterthree months or six months, is away from the alcohol and they go outand run again and they start drinking, that's not because they're craving alcoholics.They had a first drink. Question is, well, why did the seventh bitchdrink? And he'll say something like this. I stopped going to meeting, I stopped speaking my sponsor, I stopped continue with doing the steps orwhatever it is. And so you'll say this, well, I got theanswer. I'm just never going to stop doing that, I'm never going tostop going to means. But you don't realize it's that guy who drank.He was sitting where you were five years ago and he said himself, Ijust won't stop going to meats. Yeah, he's so sudden. You got toask yourself. Don't Chink? It was in Dutch. Wish was assimple as that. You could just make a pronounce that I'm not gonna havea drink. How anybody ever said? Anybody ever say I'm not gonna havea drink today. How that work out for me? Yeah, you makea pronounce that. You really think you're powerful, right, I think youhave power and will back. I'm not going to stop. Going to means. I'm not going to yeah, wait till the redhead comes along, waittill the redhead comes along, wait till the baseball game comes along, waittill the boss comes along, whatever it is, you know, wait tillyou get a little sprouting under your Doug, you get too well and too cast. Wait till you get your car back, to the money, backto sleep with the big bad then we'll see what's going on you. Andhe said, I mean this is a serious disease. So I mean,it's crazy and I'm gonna try to, you know, explain to him.Listen, one did. One of the problems is is that is an alcoholic, one of my old ideas that nobody'll understanding. And on different what Ido is that come in here and I realized that everybody understands me, becausethe only act to do for a good day means basits here and once youlearn how to fake that, you got it made. And just tell thetruth, because the D I mean I've been to the convention. I saidthis stuff, I told my story. People come up to me, blackpeople, white people, fat people. Then people you know. I meanreally, women, men, you're telling my stories, you're talking about me, talking about me. We're all actually twins. You know, if youjust knew about yourself and learn about and just tell the truth as to what'sgoing on, you know five you will come and you say, man,you're talking about me, and you'll say I want to talk about, talkingabout because that's the deal. So I thought if I thought it, youprobably thought. If I've done, you probably done some of the situation.That details might to change, but no difference with disease. The disease isactually the same. And being rocket in the fourth dimension the great fact,the thing that gets you to that point, if you ever get to that point, takes a little one. There's a big difference between non drinking andbeing sober. Trust me, the difference. But that will get it too lateron. When my sponsors with thirty, forty years used to look at aman say that guy sober. You you mean he was not drinking.A lot of people are not drinking but they're not happy their sobriety. They'renot happy in life, they're not content, they're not in peace with themselves.They have a lost fear of people of reckon out insecurity. You standwhat I'm saying. A lot of people not drinking. There's victims to notdrinking and having the promises working full time, every day, every second your life. May your difference between that deal. Let me tell you. They tellyou that deal. So the bottom line, so here I it's realfast. I'm not going to go through...

...the the drink that stuff real fast, but the bottom you know, myselfish myself. So I fall in lovewith this gal when I'm seventeen years old, eighteen years old, I'm going tolet me see what I was doing. I was making twenty, going toyour some Mam. I was crazy in love with her. Eight twentyyears old, crazy love, a lot of sex, right, because whenyou're eighteen twenty years old, that's all you think about. And so Iwas loved. You had sex with me. I was in love with you,because they could be a fucking frog, didn't matter. I want I wasa lounge lizard. I wanted what she had and I was going togo to any leath to get and trust you know what I mean. AndI'm sit there in the lounge. I'm the guy in the lounge. I'mlike a Venus fly trap, you know, and I'm sitting there and I'm inlove with this Gal and aware seeing ourselves. You know, it's reallytrue. Out He love. You know, I really didn't know what Love wasuntil I came down, boss, I really had no idea. Apparently, love is actually given a shit about somebody else. Did you know that? I'm it's true. It's true. Love is actually caring about you knowwhat I first experienced love and it was an a where some guy didn't evenknow. I didn't even know to had about five days sobriety and they heldup a white ship. They said there's anybody? Some guys stood up.Some Guy said before the me. He said, he said, he said, I need help, I can't stop drinking and I had enough five orsix day sobriety and said if anybody wants to stop drinking, take a picklelike ship. I left the guy and I'm saying to my mind pick itup, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, andhe went to pick it up and I clap at everybody else clapped us.First Time I experienced true love. I never experienced that feeling ever before.I can go boss, all I experienced is what what I wanted. Sacksmoney, whatever your approval would have I never experience really give it a shit. My sponsor wants asked me, you know how you doing? I saidgreat, is you must be getting your own way, and he was right. An hour later I wasn't. I was pissed off. So I'm thelove of this Gal and I do this. You got to forgive me the sinolarlything. I my wife actually had the test. My Wife's remember,Ellen O, a ladyship perpetual revenge. You know I mean, she knowshow to do an AL on test stuff. When I'm wrong. She'd probably havebeen S it. So it a was so she would chappy tested.This is true. She stood in front of me, between me and theTV, with her hands on interested. You never listen to a word Isay, and I'm thinking, what a strange way to start a conversation.You know what a name about that. In any event, you know.So she actually tested my hearing. They said, no, it's here,he's fine. Then she took me, I went to another DOCTU and theyput me on a machine to see whether I had some sort of problem bybrain, because she said you don't seem to pay attention to anything. Youdon't react anything. You know, it's almost like I don't exist or stufflike that. So he gave me the brain thing. We Guy said no, he's fine. And you know, I've got for forty years, whatleast thirty years of that time, I've been trying to get to a pointwhere I'm not disturbed by life. And I finally get to that point,my wife thinks I'm seen. Oh, and I'm thinking she may be right, but it's okay, it doesn't feel so you know what I mean.They go, what's the difference? You know. So the guy says me, after going out for a year, my name was Lynne. She's aNew Jersey or hivers Miami. She said, my parents, who haven't seen youany of your want me to go up to New York, New Jersey, and spend Christmas with them. And here's what I think. You know, I'm sure you guys have I say I'm thinking. Well, I saidthis. I said, well, what about me? What about me?What the hell am I going to do? What about me? We have thismajor argument. That's what am I going to do? What am Igonna Doing? And don't think I didn't know she had a boyfriend up there, an old boyfriend of there. I think she was going to put abit of that guy. I knew that...

...was I knew that, but yet, you know what, I'm got cheat on me, you know, andI'm dying, you know. So she left it with her, her parentsor boy from whatever. Songs in there thinking about the bitch that I wasin love with, Gust knows. And so I have an idea. Ihave a brain storm, because alcoholics, you are brilliant, you know,and I there was a card that I had maxed out, so I forgot. I'M gonna buy a plane ticket, I'm going to go up there andI'm going to surprise her. What do you you know, you're like judgingme, you know. Yeah, gost never did that Shit. You knowwhat I mean? So I fly up there and I Christmasday, I knocking, going to say hey, it's me, I'm here to ruin your Christmas.Well, I call it love. The cops called stalking, but Iknow what hell they know. All right, myselfish. I didn't think I'm selfish. I thought I'm a caring guy. You know, that kind of deal. You know, that's my whole life thinking about me. What doI want? Getting what I want feel so I'm a I'm a Selfpneohl.So I wake up the moneys. I'm not going to have a drink today. I've o'clock. I'm drunk. You know, I wake up a morningsound like going to Pie Houesday by five o'clock up. Look at the dimes. That was a quarters, by a quarter. I have gallant bottle ofCarlos. Rusty can't and sit by my photograph. And then he had photograms. And I don't need use it to feel so hard for myself. Getdrunk, but it sort of helps. You know, I play my alkisongs. I only you had alky songs, you know, only the lonely.I missed the blue, rainy days and Mondays always get me down.A pirate looks at forty running on empty. Is always a good while. Youknow what I mean. I'm sitting there and I'm drinking. I'm thinkingabout all those women that did me wrong, you know, the bitches, youknow, and I'm thinking about my funeral. You know what it's like. I'm thinking about my funeral. I'm Dad, I'm dead. You know, because what they did to me and how they treated me, and there'sa funeral and all them bitches are around the coffin and they feel like shit, but as well they should, because they know how they treated me.I'm not actually dead, by the way. I'm hide the treat watching the hole. DARNED thing. You know, I think when you get to thatpoint, I think there's a problem. I'm personally thinking there's a problem atthat point. You know. I mean, I'm not crashing cars again to thewise, I'm just nuts, and alcohol has a little do with it, because I can't stop drinking, kid. But you want to know something,you know I'm heat is I mean you can. I mean the bottomlines, but the bottom line is, bottom line is not not crazy,and I don't even really lize how crazy I am. So there's a lobbyousof a lot of things that happened. I'm not going to go into that, but I don't want to go over my win. What's the story?When do I have? When am I what did I spoke to? Oh, it's to our mean, so in anyone, I don't realize, butin any event. So the bottom line is, I'm gonna go straightforward.I got to a point in my life where I di Worce my mine somuch stuck. Should I can tell you about how I treated. I camehome drump that night. She take me out. Well, yeah, thisone. I didn't understand what she said. Come on, one more time,I'm leaving you. That's not the way it worked. She kicked meout of the House. I apparently left her, you know, and butyou wanted some as a walk in the car, leaving my house on MiamiBeach, on the golf course and my wife and my child and everything thatshould be important to me, I was...

...ecstatic. I don't have to comeon, I can go to the Bar, I can take that women. Youknow, I didn't have the guts to tell my wife I wanted adivorce. I mean, I love you, know I'm let me tell you something. I met her. I was like twenty, twenty one years old, or something like that. She walked into a college course, she hadlegs up here to the cheerleader. I said then, if I can only, if I could only have her, everything would be okay, y'all,ever say yourself, I can only have that Plouse, my life, mylife could be don't you understand? I knew knew that my life, myentire life, would change if I can only have that car. I wentdown one day and I plumped down eight thousand dollars the first Camaro that cameinto Miami in one thousand nine hundred and seventy, and I knew my lifewas going to change. And I got that car and they said come backto Rosa. No, I wanted nice to know. We got a premit. No, you're not to break. You pay for we got a prepenand I came down that next morning, that Saturday morning, at eight o'clock, to get that car, and I got in that car, man,and everything changed for me. You know, I knew I was okay now withthat brand new camerao go with a white land out top, and Idrew that drove down all the the road and I knew the entire world wasI knew every woman in China was looking at me, you know what Imean? There I knew everybody was. I had the shirt on, Iwas about a hundred fifty pounds less than I am right now. I wasbuff, I had a cigarette of my life my mouth. I had likesleeves rolled up with a cigarette pack in there. I had the sunglasses on, you know what I mean. I'm just waiting for them to be discoveringme. You know, I knew they were all looking at me. Iwas waiting to be discovered. I stopped that. You know, I don'tneed alcohol to be drunk. I walk in a bar with a goodlooking Galand they're all looking at me. I'm high as a kite, you knowwhat I mean. Every everything makes me high, you know, and I'mgoing after it. And so I'm driving down that thing and I stopped atthe Red Light, and also some guy drives up next to me in abrand new CATILLAC. Can work some old, some old fat bastard, probably lookslike me right now, you know, sitting next to him as the Playboybunny. I look at him, he looks at me. I lookat him, he looks at me. I say to myself, why can'tI have a crime like that? Yeah, the feeling lasted three blocks. Paymentslast at thirty six months. That kept me coming back from more.Every year I had to get a new one. You know, that isby the way, that's alcoholism. Why don't you figure out how to getrid of the envy of the lust? Once you get a watch. TryTo get rid of the lust of the things of this world. Why don'tyou try to figure out how to give her that stuff? Because every timeyou're feeling depressed and sorry for yourself and fucked up, sober, it's becauseof the stuff of this world. Figure out how to not lust after thestuff of this world. figure out how them not left after be depended uponpeople and their approval. figure out how to not do that. Then I'lltell you whether you're sober or not. figure out how to stop complaining aboutwhat you don't have. figure out how the only thing that supports you inyour life is helping other people. Figure out, like it says that welet's get rid of socialist, we must start kills us. God makes thatpossible. Figure out what that's all about. Figure out what that's all about,what he's trying to figure to have not to do the God thing,because you know it's bullshitus with spiritual not religions, but all the founders werereligious as shit. You know. figure out how, when it says thereis one who has all power, that one is God made you find himnow, how to order that thing down. figure out how, when it saysyou got to utterly give yourself, abandon yourself to God. figure outwhen it's said. When it says we're...

...on a new base, the baseof trust, relying upon God, where it says we never apologize for God. We never apologize. All better faith, that courage, they trust their God. We never apologize. You let him demonstrate a life who we are. figure out what it says, all that stuff of Bill Wilson says theLord's goods are wontful to me, curbias sevils, he's not got to keeptalking about it and tell helping other people. Figure out what Dr Bob says.If you have some sort of pride, intellectual pride, that keeps you fromunderstanding what the Hell we're trying to tell you, I feel sorry foryou. You're heavenly father will never let to let you down. figure outhow. When the book says there is one who has all power. Thatone is God. I when the book says, and Bill Wilson says inhis story, he says, but I still hated God. I still hatedGod. I had an antipty puts God. I couldn't I couldn't bring myself andleaving God because the hackles of my neck grew up and like it says, the Chapter Agnostics, and then it's princess will. He says, well, if you can't love God, if you care do it, if youcan't do the God that, then why don't you just use your own conceptionof God as a compromise? As a compromise. Some people never get offof the compromise. You know, this is scription tender to the actually thinkthat's the deal. But I will promise you this. You will get outof that. This ain't address rehearsal and you will experience and get out ofthis thing to the extent that you basically abandon yourself and you surrender yourself thisthing. And now you're in an aim where it says, once you makethat sincere decision for God, allsorts of remarkable things happen to be in allpowerful. We could be everything, you need, everything if you stay closeto him and performance work well, and it's what work is to love otherpeople and help other people. So progre out how you're going to do thatwhen you have a big book that all it tells you is see to yourrelationship with him as right. A greater events will come best you will comeas others and you got a group of I don't know. I love thefellowship. I want to tell something. It well people's and nymous. Whenyou have a group of people described by people that you feel, you getthe clear indication as you're sitting here that if you talk about God, they'renot going to like you, and then understand that one of the consequences beingnot Bolis. You need to be liked by other people and you can't standon somebody doesn't like me. That's one of the problems. I said tomy sponsor. Once you haven't get resentments, he says, get him. Igive them is and how to do that. That understand if I thoughtpeople like so figure out how you're going to get this thing when you havethis marvelous fellowship that gives you clear indication that they're so superior to religious peoplethat they're spiritual, not religious. I'm religious and spiritual and one evil sonof a bitch. You know something because I know who I am and Iknow without God in my life and without my focus on him, and youknow what the great facts says. You can know what the great fact says, what rot it says. God has to be the central fact of yourlife. You've got to be convinced that he lives in your heart of mindin the way we se miraculous. He's going to do if he would killingyourself, and that's very hard to do when you're more worried about what theguy said next you was thinking about you's not even pain to visa bill andyou're trying and you get the clear indication that maybe the God thing is inthe way to go. I'll just be God, as I understand them,and maybe you want to consider the possibility, the possibility that the God they said, the God that they say, what do they say? There isone who has all power. That what is God made you find him nowyou may want to consider the God that has all power, the one Godthat has all power. You may forget my figure out the possible that thatGod, whatever the God is that they're they're talking about, that Bill Willsonand bought Dr Bob were talking about, maybe different than the god of yourunderstanding, that there may be actually a...

...difference between the god of your meagerunderstanding and the God that has all power. And maybe you know, you knowthat there's a possible that you might your mind my limit God and limitGod to the extent that you never experience any of these promises, except maybea little bit of the not drinking thing. And so you think you're on theright tractors and you're all they celebrates drinking, but you're not willing todo the extra credit ship or the tough and stuff to grow the fuck up. Maybe that's what you want to think about. I'm like done here.What Nice one did I start Houston. I started seven. So in anyevent, so what if that? I don't know what it takes time.Sometimes I'll be sponsoring somebody else. They well, they'll talk about a problemthey're having. Got About five years, ten years, fifteen years. Isay, don't worry about it, you'll be okay, twenty years, don'tput you got nothing to do. So I'm going to tell one story.Untill one story I got. We got like ten mints, least ten minutes. I Tell Leo Story. So this is a true story, when Iwas ten years sober. Now let's don't get offense. Well, get offended, Shad, you know I got offendant. Not Going to bother me. Youknow you'll be. You'll be walking out of here hating my God,saying I hate that guy who tell envited them. I'll be going to have, you know, steak or something like that, but the God, Isaid. But any that so what I was tending year sober. You get. I'm just going to take this is my life and this is the lifeof most of people I know. To have thirty, forty years doesn't necessarilyhave to be your life with this is my life. There will come atime in your life where, if you don't grow spiritual and you don't surrendermore, you will get to the point where you will stay sober to acertain amount of time, but soon you will you will not be happy withyour sopriety. Envision, for they say here and there, once in awhile a person pride, you know, says feel better, look better,haveing, have bey time we smiled such a sally. You know he'll trythe old game again because he's not happy with the sprite. No, who, no, sooner, no, longeans you do, and you won't evenrealize that's happening, because one of the incredible things about I used to sayto my sponsor had these mean sponsors. I'll talk to you about that latermeans sponsors. I used to say to my sponsor, I said I'm setbecause they treated me nasty, were nasty, nasty, you know. Then Isaid to my sponsor, I'm sensing me. Says, don't Rust radartistas sensor, you're just touching. It's different. But here's the incredible thing. Although we are sense them, the same thing about alcoholics is we cantake we can live the most incredible, miserable, horrible life and and thinkwe're okay and put out with it. It's amazing how horrible our lives canbe, how terrible it can be, and we sort of think that that'sthe way it is. We don't think get them because our alcohol light seemsnormal to us. We can't share the proof of the false. So nomatter how horrible we feel, we feel like we're doing okay because we've neverfelt anything but this. He does. So I'm saying. So it's ait's pretty incredible thing. So somewhere around ten years, so that's what happenswith sobriety. You get a certain point where you're not drinking, they're handingyour battalions to spots of people, you're doing all the work and everything likethat and you're not happy, but you don't know you're not happy. Youjust feel like you're doing okay and sometimes you are happy. I have goodtimes and Thea is good and it's wonderful, it's better than it was before,but you're certainly not experiencing the deal. One time you'll run into somebody.You'll see somebody like I did Al Kennedy. You'll see, you'll see. I don't tell you an Escamon, you'll see the deal. You'll seesomebody who has been rocking for dimension.

You'll say, what the fuck wasthat? I want I want to live that stuff. We'll see it.Al Kenny, he's dying of cancer, giving a meeting and talking to peopleand saying that I want to hang up that guy, that that's incredible.Somebody'll say, well, you know he's going to cancer. will say no, tell about the guy just spoken the meeting, a Stot of cancer.He's got six US, like I said, even say anything about died of cancerand I just spent through the Sung about a hangnail. You know whatI mean. Guy's dying of cancer, he's got six months to live andhe's doing I mean he's trying to help other people and he's happy as aclam. It's like you just won the lottery. is saying, what theHell is that shit? And you realize there's difference to me not drinking andsober, because all I do is complained. Where he someone? I was aboutten years sober. I got to a point of my life where thingswere going so that you wouldn't know if you saw because I was talking aroundthe beans as fun some people. I was doing all the stuff, andalcoholics have a lot of tremis about a pride, you know. So thatI'm not coming nothing. I'm so not going to tell you. I'm notgonna tell anybody. You know, I'm gonna try to fix it myself withmy brain. You know my brain power and and that kind of thing,and good buying. Ten years you know I can double digits and I wasn'tdoing well. And to make a long story shout the reason with that ultland wound up in the BUYB and I'm not going to go into all that. Maybe later or something like that. I want up to that, whichwhich led to a whole other different deal. And you can look at the bookwhere they encourage church membership and all that stuff and we'll talk about thatmaybe some other time. We talked about Maintenance and growth of the spiritual condition. They getting closer to God and stuff like that, but anything. SoI'm I've had about fifteen years sobriety and I'm dry and I and I goto this my house. I'm a new housetop and I'm in the house byand it's by a dry cleaner, by the dry cleaner. If you drivingthe drive cleaner, you can actually see my house and you can see thego for my house and I drive into the strike cleaner and in my car, you know, at that time, you know, I would have allthese books. I would have a big book and have a big big bookand I have a twelve and twelve. I'd have the Holy Bible, youknow. But I mean what big Sucker, you know, a King Jimmy Bible? You know, Kim Jane, a big red you can hit somebodywith that kill him. You know what I mean? If you have bigBible there and also stuff. And I'm driving around and I pull up tothe the dry cleaner and there's this kid there and he's like sixteen years old, seventeen years old. I don't know, and he's wearing his pants down tohis knees. Has Everybody ever seen this? I don't seen so muchnow, but back then, you know, they he was wearing his pants.I don't even know what holds him up. He's like the belt islike six inches above his knees and he's and he's going like this. Hesays hey, there he goes. Hey Man, he says. I said, what's your name? He says Leo, My Name's Leo. I said Hey, nice speak to Leo. How you doing? But he says fine. He says, you know, I got one of those. That's howhe points like these. I got one of those, one at all.He was it. I said, you mean a Bible. Yeah, Igot a Bible. I go one of those, he says. I saidYou ever repeat it? And he says, you know, the God of myinstance says, I try to. I try to love and help everybody. You don't have to have the day in your pocket. You helped him. So I said you reading, says I well, I try to read. It's hard to read, I said. I said Hey, I'll tell youwhat I said. You see that house over there? Is Is?Yes, says every Thursday morn to thirty, I go to Bible study, buta bunch of men and everything like that. If you are at myhouse, you know like seven o'clock fifteen at my house. There next Thursday. He says, which Thursday, which is the next day? It wasnext day, tomorrow. He says, I'll take you the boible seas.There's really this is absolutely since that next lot and I'll leave the true story. You can't make this shit up. You can't really good. But soI leave and I go around to do...

...my stuff. I forget all aboutthe you know, and I wake up the next morning, go out togo to my Bible study, which has a bunch of recovery people there.But in that did that twenty guys man between the ages of like, youknow, twenty five and in ninety. Ninety guys have been studying the source, the erro because I'm sure you guys know, if you read talk aboutthe good old timers, the books that they found absolutely essential during the firstfour years of a with it wasn't a big book, was first worth Thirteensurmer of the mountain with the James Roans called the James Club. So Iknow you guys know that those are the books they read. They the wholething comes out of bout you had as a mate. The bottom line is, when I start doing that big book Kame like technical Tele but the bottomline is so when I pulled up, when I went outside, standing bymy car is Leo, Leo, Hey, how are you doing? He fine, he says, Hey, you made it. I said, okay, get on the car. We're going. So I go over to the Biblestudy with the fourth yet of this like twenty guys are, twenty fiveguys here. Leo sais there. He's like sixteen years old. All theseguys are like forty to nine years old. He's like they're look at this kid, you know, he's like red meat, you know what I mean? He's like, you know, they looking at this kid like they lovethem. They just love the fact that he's there. So it goes around. I don't even know what talked about whatever. Who knows what talk about, like conservative, and I finally gets at Leo at the last embracings.He says I think Jesus was an alien. He's guys, really serious, youknow. He's a serious guys. And you look at me and theysay? They say, yeah, he's an alien. Keep coming back.That's they said, was say keep coming back. We love it in honomy. Because say the real deal, they love them. You know what Imean. They love you. Could do no more. So I drive him, I going to drive him back, and he says to me, couldyou do me a favor? I said love. He says, could youdrive me to my house? I said sure, he's just direct me howto do it and I start driving. To me He's told me a storyand he's a sixteen old kid and his mom works, you know, andher it's my praying. That deal. So he says go go back toyour house and they says they make a left and I make a last.They just will drive down to it stops. I make a run, make aright. This is drive a y. You make a laught and make aright, make a laugh right. So we're about six or seven milesaway from my house and he says that's my towns there, full up there. So I pull up there and I said, man, it's good tosee. I said how do you how you touch you get to my house, and he said so he woke up three o'clock the morning and walked tomy house because he got there early. Absolutely didn't want to be late,and I got guys and that asked me like how can I do this thing? And I said we got to go there is what that's kind of far. I'll do a step series up in Bocor a tone. He says,we you do my sponsor? He said, well, you know, I'm alittle far away, but I'm happy to do it. It's what amI doing is just come on down. We're going to have workshop my housedown in Miam XS and that's kind of fares and I know I just droveit this message to you. So I'm always looking for the LEOs. Youknow, there's Leos and then there's the pretenders. If you're going to dealwithout polt, to deal with a lot of pretenders, a lot of funnybelongings. You deal with what action? Sometimes the pretenders should become the realthing. You never know. So I thank you very much. Gout less.

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