AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 2 months ago

Russell S. Talk 1 at the Sabal Palm Group 8/11/2021

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Russell S. Talk 1 at the Sabal Palm Group, Miami, FL 8/11/2021   

And at the sunset room- and I you know this crazy thing about losingfear people in that coicer- It really scrims out an means like this as shejust just try to look you just try to loveon people. That's all just want to love them and help them out. You know soit's hard to stay the script. You just do the spirit tell you do know. Youknow what I m. You know some of the sunset room on that and you know Sheldon said you need abig book. I said just screw me up, you know what I mean, and so I'm at the sunset, Roman or some guysays I had about three or four years on nowup so that, with my sponsored, its packed and some guy says he introshimselves, he pradon alcohols an Amos and says he's been going there forabout two months an he says he can't find anybody to talk to. You know hedoesn't have any friends. He feels like he's alone feels like nobody really cares abouthim and he's been trying to stay, sober and he's having a real problem and he's just lonely. They need to tell so the meeting ends and I make a deline for this son of a gun. You know what I mean and I say: Hey Listen. Thisis what we did in the Sun side when Lo Satis, I said, listen we're going to goacross the street to the diner on there. Igolotes cost me from censers, so therestaurant with me and my sponsor guys is won't. You come along with us and hesays thanks that I'm gonna go home and watch the game and don't get ahead. Anything nowthere's a lesson here. You know I spent eight years on really in this town.Every Friday night for twelve hours fielding calls from anybody who wantedto come down boss- and I was you, learn a lot by talking alcoholics. You know there's a possibility that ifyou're not off, you might be sicker than you actually think you more there's a possibility. I probably spentthe first ten years sober. You can't tell how sick you are. If you drink yougot to do, is you got to get sober? It does spend ten years deal with life asyou slowly discover what this real cricket disease is at at Alcohol Albo has nothing alcohols just one of the simms real disease. I mind trust me. I was analcoholic and I talk from experience, I'm not to try to tell you anything,and I think I'm talking about the stuff, the big book and I like be wrong. Youcheck the big book down. You shot, don't believe me, but you know thebottom line is. Is that the truth of my life is? Is that I was an alcohol longbefore I took my first year and I was in Alhadra my drinking andI've been in alcohol for the last forty years without the drink and the bottom line is, is I drank outconfes? No, a woman, no car, no amount of money, nosuitable, no prestige were, although at work not of it work just as well atjust as fast just the few trinks, and if I could drink off all day and haveto do for me what differently, whether I say ten or nineteen years live til wedrap drinking it, but the deal with me as Amal Stop working for me andunfortunately, for me, it's not worth me about ten years. Privy lessens upwork for me. I heard a lot of people, so I went up to my sponsor and and that's what ten first ten yearsBab was all about learning what the real disease is. You know I don't know how long it tookyou to. Maybe it takes two months three months you wake up in bed, you got amillion voices they're all saying Shit like you're, an ASI. You have doneyourself and you look around in the you're in the shower ladder or not someboy says, do Never gonna get this hit your a piece of crab. You know, and you look around see you saying thatshit to you and you're, the only one in the shower. You know you walk around tellingyourself, you don't give a crop. What other people think about you andsometimes he'll tell you anything I'll, go a ship thing about me and, and thensomewhere along the line may wafter...

...twenty years. You start realizing thatpeople that really don't give a pout. What other people think about them.Never say I give a crop at other people think about they say toots like theseto Catchit, but they don't say that Shit. You know what I mean and yourealize that your entire life, your entire life you've, always been lookingat other people and trying to figure out what they think about it. You andtry to make yourself look in some way, so that you're acceptable becauseyou're not only an Athol during acceptable Hallin. You please love me ahome, please Dantean a Holland and you got all sorts of shit going on yourmind. That's all about this. Alcohol is of that lives in your mind and doesn'tgo away because you stop drinking. That's the real deal. You saying thatmoves you around from place to place this selfish, thusis self sadness,driven by a hundred forms of fear of pollution, of seeking stepping in the ltones of others they retaliate. Seemingly, with that provocation yourealize somewhere along the line. I don't know ten years, fifteen yearstwenty years that you made decisions based on self,I mean. How are you GOIN have way? Selfishness is the answer. How are yougoing to give her? He selfishness, like you, don't even see yourself as selfish.You think a pretty much a good guy. You don't realize how fucking evil you are. You Know Tel! You, you learn. By doingthis thing, life was humbly experience. Eight years so were you can hit over anintres ran? I really am an asshole. You realized that you, I really can'tstop thinking of myself. I can stop drinking, but I can't stop thinking. Ireally do just sit around worried about. What's going to happen to me and what'sgoing to happen, you at all, like you, I am one sick puppy and you try to getrid of that and that ain't like putting a plug in the jug with the plug withjob. It just gets worse, but it gets better. It's worse. It gets better,it's kind of strange, so I say to my sponsor: What's with that guy, he made that whole speech about thedeal that nobody loves them or whatever.Frichet is he's Thaukin that, and my sponsor says this to me, decidedand realize that he so I actually thought that when people ask for helphis crazes on so some, I actually have this idea when somebody asked for help,they actually want him. But of course I don't know anythingabout the alcoholic mind, less Tentabam, except as apples and allits consequences, sobriety be precarious of true. Having is to findout on their conseqence to be an alcoholic. When my first wife said to me, after five years of coming in at threeo'clock in the morning and leaving her there with a wife and baby as I wassitting in the bar and looking at the women wishing, I could be with one ofthem. That's another story. I never physically cheated on my life.I get myself a real pat of the band for that. I just sound in a bar with abunch of the COMSI cots and a bunch of the other DAS and everything just lookat the lands in the right head wishing. I could cheat on my life and at threeo'clock I'd roll on. So when my wife, my first wife, said to me, if you come home drunk one more time on divorcing, you went had on oneFriday morning and I was as sober as I am right now pisaller and she was just like delivering theman she was inside. So I just thought you in now he came on drunk one time,I'm leaving them. I graduate with departments alones andthat for that, so I was gone for PhD and I'll break topology. I became adivision, she in the states of journey's office and the states torney's office, and I wasin dummy you know, and I he said that to me on worth. If you come home drunkI'm leaving you, I walked out door out of my car and I drove three blocksstopped. It light, and I said this: What the Hell is she in by that? Let me tell you so whenever things foryou, it should have been important to its right up there on the line, andsomebody says two words: If you come on trump on mere time on leaving you andthat puzzles you you're in for a long hard road in life,...

Yeaston saying that's t, but that's howpost that's Coswat a alcoholism, because when in alcohol, an alcoholic,here's something read something or told something, usually the truth that theydon't like it confuses them. Sometimes it pisses them on. Sometimes they walkout of the room, have to hear anything, one truth that will save their livesand they say who invited that asshole to speak and then, eight years laterthey come up to you when they say you know I used to hate you, but now I loveyou. As you know, it's like ts Llansant, wewill not keep, we will not see drunk shaks are searching and in the end,after all, our exploration will come to the place that we began, having knownthe place for the first time, and so all of a sudden. You have five yearssobriety and you read the Big Book and you read a line in the big book thatyou Break Fifty Times. Didn't they can apply to you didn't mean anything andobviously Holy Shit. That's the deal and you change slowly. So that's what Isaid to my Sidin about the guy. I said: What's the matter with that guy, I wentup to a sad love. He said. Well, you know Rus, somepeople want help and some people just want attention. So sometimes you got to ask yourself,but you just want attention. Sometimes you got to ask yourself intwo thousand and thirty, forty fifty sixty years old, an you're stillchasing sex and chasing romance. It's so worried about the things of thisworld. You got to say to yourself, or maybe you have to get a sponsored saysyou rust, when the fuck are you going togrow up? What are you going to become a man? When are you going to stop thisbullshit, where you going to stop you? In a forty or fifty year, old manacting like a stupid thirteen year old, chasing your Dick around the town,doing stupid shit? What are you going to stop doing that stuff? You know Imean he used to say. Why do you do the ship? You do sober when your favoritestuff, you say why why you do and I'd say to him? Well,that's just my personality which, quite frankly I was in love with, and he said to me this he said. Well,let me tell you something: your personality is killing. I go have to stop drinking. How do youget rid of that personality? How you do that? I didn't come a grownup. You know, because unless you learn howto become a grown up, unless you stop worrying about what other people thinkup for that again, unless you learn the secret on thisdeal, which takes a long time and most people never make it, you will neverstop worrying about money. You will never stop worrying about economicsecurity and trust that you will never stop worrying about the judgment ofother people. You do it even today you sit in your Aa roles and you'regoing to say something, but you don't say because you're worried about whatpeople think about. If you're saying you want to mention the work go on, saysomething about God, but you're scared to in somebody will judge you arelaughing. You spend more time worrying about whether you should say somethingor not, say something. Even if it's honest or sincere or whatyou said or how you said it would you walk out of here and that's all Vapid,unbelievable fear that you can't get rid of it. It kills you in life andthat's an a a rule where they have got all of the wallsthat we shouldn't were supposed to lose. Fear, bother people and just a bunch ofscared adults of everybody in the room, what they think about him, because you can't even be yourself because one of one of the one of theone of the things that Althams you know we talk about the symptoms ofalcoholics, Anois, a d and the things that really is alcoholism and one ofthose things is such a desire to have people like you. So you always watching other people andtrying to figure out what can I say do...

...have by I spent more my money buyingshit. I didn't need with money. I don't have to impress people, I don't evenlike Max it out credit cards, because Iwould buy stuff because it would make me feel good. No, I don't drink alcohol.What I do is, I just buy shit spend money to other stuff that selfdestructive pol manager in the book. I Thun tes real book called man againsthimself. He said it was all about suicide. They have a whole chapter onAthos, says I an some men. We we have to destroy themselves. You can give anything, give everything they'll figure out how to kill themselves, give emfame, for I don't figure out how they kill themselves. So that's the disease.You deal men and is a really crazy thing about the disease. You have thedisease and one of the one of the parts about disease. You don't even see avidand the other part is. If you ever run into somebody, you don't realize howone saying you aren't by the way. You know that second stuff round the firststep were: I go all over place. Here's the deal you own! That second stepthing came to believe that a power Grad inyourself but report you Saturday, a baby. You got that in this group of SUPPon any right. So listen! Let me let me suggest something to you. That was likea Vance. is his trust me. I'm give you advance shit. This is advanced a a that second step came to believe that apower in of could restore used to sanity. Let me explain this: The only way you could be restored tosanity, as you have to be insane, ithis is so fumban. You See ow wife.They are they're trying to figure out what that is. That's like, when my wifesaid, be come on drunk more time to trying that's what he said. Some people wantto help some people just want to tell me said: that's the truth. If you hadany idea how crazy you fucking are how nuts you aren't you have this disease,even if you're sitting there saying this guy doesn't know me. No, actuallyI do know you, I I I the sponsoring hundreds of people, everything I knowyou, here's. What the problem is. You don't know you, you know you're just trying to figureyou out and how you can get better. You got amillion thoughts in mind. How can I done it? Why do I feel the way? When amI going to feel better? What am I not going to stop feeling like an ask? Whatam I going to feel good? What am I and the only and you're in hand, if youlike me and I'll, tell you something one of the old ideas it out boxes?Nobody could ever understand me, I'm so fricking you need nobody can understand.How could I explain I Cennina to myself? Nobody could understand me, I'm an IPolier and a yes butter. Every day I get up, and I say to myself, if only I havemoved down, if only my wife would change, if only I I carton, bring, havemore money, only lose Los softy bat skip. Only if and then I run aroundtrying to get all that shit together and I get it together would be greatfor like an hour and that's all from me again, it's all shit. You know what Imean. How much time do you have yo thirty days we like down a five withthis shit. I gratify it is you know why that fucking alcoholism, not thedrinking you drink, because that's the way you drink we drink us sobriety,sucks men and women drink as they like. The effect I use by alcohol cave a restof your bold is entended lets a Gan, a Gat. I per set a piece cope in comes atonce. By taking a few drinks we drink, they cost were Su a fucking side on andwe'd like to really blow our fucking brains out, and sometimes I should getwell. Er in a a drinking is out of the question, but suicide is looking prettygood and if you're not Paliko me, you don't walk around thinking. I wish Iwas dead or kill myself, but the great thing about drinking. It's likecommitting suicide, but you wake up because I would mind being dead and outof you, I just don't like the dying corn. You understand what I'm saying Iwanted to get that far and not reading for it. You know I mean, but you seewhat I could do is I think about of Scotch. I can be that and I'm, like God,I'm dead until I wake up the next morning. You know what I mean and that's the deal, that's alcoholism.So I can tell you then I drank it. Then...

I drank, and then I drank him, then Idrank and then I drank of them and the same then I drank and all are supposedto be the same and were all ended. Then I drank an then I drank and then Idrank and you would think that that's outpost, but that's that alcoholism. That's the simple embolism alcoholismis why you can't stand so being sober, andso, when you see a guy has got five years or ten years of fifteen or thisand you'll see that in her and he comes and e says I had ten years and then Idrank I got fifteen years and then I drain and three months then I drankhe's not drinking because he craves Altho. I understand the great man you,I ven understand the ASEXUAL view. You know because I had that, but whensomebody AP to three months or six months is away from the alcohol andthey go out and run again and they start drinking, that's not becausethey're graven Athos, they have a first drink question, is will why the somefighting and he'll say something like this? I stop going to meat. I stopped Wein, my sponsor. I stopcontinuing doing the steps or whatever it is, and so you'll say this. Well, I at the an I'm just never goingto stop doing that. I'm never going to stop donons you don't realize is thatguy you drink. Ye were sitting where you were five years ago. He said tohimself. I just won't, stop go to meat yeah. So sudden you got to ask yourself: Don't you think it was don't you wish?You was as simple as that you can just make a pronouncement. I'm not gonnahave a drink. How anybody ever said everybody ever stand. Looking at Rintoday how that work out? Ah You make I pronounce it. You reallythink you're powerful right. I think you have power and will back I'm notgoing to stop going to me. So I'm not going yeah wait till the red head comesalong. Wait till the red head comes along.Wait till the baseball game comes along. Wait till the boss comes along whateverit is. You know, wait till you get a little sprite of your dog. You get toowell and to pass we to get your card back and the money back is pink in thebig bank and we'll see what's going on on you, I mean this is a serious disease, so I mean it's crazy. I'M gonna, try toyou know explain this listen. One of one of the problems is, is that is analcoholic one of my old ideas. That will be all understanding and Idifferent what I do is a coming here, and I realize that everybodyunderstands me because he only had to do for good, a en is basis. Her muchwere out to take back. You got it made and just tell the truth. Yes, the GianI've been to the compact. I've said the stuff. I told my story: People comeafter me, black people, white people, back people,then people, you know I mean really women, man you're telling my storyyou're talking about me talking about me, we're all actually twins. You know if we just knew about yourselfand learn about just tell the truth is to what's going on. You know: Five. You Come on, you saidNan you're talking about me and you'll. I want to talk by talking about becausethat's the deal, so I thought, if I thought you probably put it I've done.You probably done some of the the situation that details might havechanged, but I no deference with disease. The disease is actually thesame and to be a rocket in the forts VECTA.The great fact the thing that gets you to that point. If you ever get to thatpoint, it takes a little one, there's a big time between non drinking and being sober, trusting greatdifference, but that will get into later on when my sponsors, with thirtyforty years used to look at a man say that guy sober even mean I was notdrinking. A lot of people are not drinking but they're, not havin. Thesobriety they're not happy in life. They're, not content, they're, not inpeace of themselves. They haven't lost fear of people, reck them out it insecurity. You understand what I'm saying whypeople not drinking just victims, we not draining and having the promisesworking full time, every th every second. In Your Life May Tu difference between that deal. I to you that to you so the bottom line, so here is realFasti, I'm not going to go through the...

...drink of stuff real fast with the BOT.You know myself, I myself, so I fall in lovewith this cow when I'm seventeen years old, eighteen years old, I'm going S.let me see what I was doing. I was twenty got so manias crazy in love withher eight twenty years old, crazy in love. A lot of sech right is a a twentyyears old. That's what do you think about, and so I was a love you had sexally. I was in love with you. You could be a fucking profit, a matter I want. Iwas allowing you lizard. I wanted what she had and I was wont to go to anylink to get and trust. You know what I mean, and so I'm sitting there in thelounge on begin launch. I'm like a Venus fly trap. You know, and I'msitting there and I'm looking love with this cow and where it's seen ourselves,you know it's real true. Alkebar, you know, I really didn't know what we wasuntil I came down both now, so I really have no idea. Apparently you love it as actuallygiven a shit about somebody else. You know that I'm in true it's true love is actuallycaring about. You know what I first experienced love and it was an a awhere some guy didn't even know. I didn't even know I had about five dayssorie and they held up a white chin. Theysaid to his anybody. Some guys stood up and some guys said before the men hesaid he said so I hed help. I can't stop drinking and I had about five or six dayssobriety and said if anybody wants to stop drinking. I, like you, I like toGin, I'm saying to my mind. I pick it up and you want to pick it outand I clap and everybody else lap is the first O my experience to love. Inever experienced that feeling ever figent MOS. All I experienced is onwhat I wanted sex money, whatever your approval, whata kind of experience really your mission, my Sponson as me, you know how youdoing is a break as he was be getting your own way. He was right an hourlater. I wasn't. I was Pison, so I love in this cow, and I do this. You got itfor giving it the Sino thing. I my wife, actually hadn't test my wife's, amember Bellino, our LAS penetra event. You know you knows how to do an outlineten stuff when I'm wrong. She promptly bets it. So it am so she was Japan test.This is true. He stood in front of me between me and the TV with her hands onhim. He sense you never listen to a word I say and I'm thinking what astrange way to start a conversation. You know- and I am but in any event youknow so she actually tested my hearing. They said now, it's her it's fine! Then she took me. I went to anotherback and they put me on a machine to see whether I had some sort of problem,my brain, because she said you don't seem to pay attention to anything. Youdon't react to anything. You know it's almost like. I don't exist or stufflike a sad. He gave me the brain thing. We Guy said no he's fine and you know Ifor forty years at least thirty years. In that timeI've been trying to get to a point where I'm not disturbed by lying, and I finally get to that point of mywind thing, some Sina and I'm thinking she may be right, butit's okay, it doesn't feel so you know a what's the difference. You know so the guy says to me after going outfor a year, and it was like New Jersey where everLami he said my parents who haven't seen any year, one may go up to NewYork, New Jersey and spend Christmas with them, and here's what I think you know, I'msure you guys have. I say I'm thinking why I said this a well. What about me? What about me? What the hell am I an what about me? We have this majorargument. That's what am I going to do I? What amI going to do and don't think I didn't know she had a boyfriend. I there anold boyfriend, the yeses and look them of that guy. I thought that was. I dothat, but yeah. You know what I M...

...and I'm dying. You know so she leftenemy with her her parents boyfriend what ever son inthere thinking about them. I was in love in Cusan, so I have an idea. I have agrand storm, the OUTA. You are brilliant, you know, and I there was acar that I had back down. So I figure how O my play ticking, I'm going to goup there and I'm the surprise. What do you enow you're like judging me, O? That's ever got that Shit. You knowwhat I mean so I fly up there and I Christmas Day Inot have going to say it's me, I'm here to ruin your Christmaswell. I can'tlove the Cosmoledo, but how the Owari my selfish, I don't think it wasselfish thought. I would carrying done and all that kind of deal now. That's my whole life thinkingabout me. What do I want eny? What I want feels im on the self made all so I wake up the boys, I'm not going tohave a drink today. My five o'clock, I'm droning, you know I wake up in Wansin like a Bibles Day by five o'clock up look of the dives that was a quarterSIC by a quarter. A Gana bottle of cause for use can an sit by myphonogram at them programs, and I don't need us in to feel sorryfor myself. I got drunk, but so it hops. You know I play my Autein Hole. You hadAlps in a holy alonely. I missed the Blue Ranny Bass on Mondays, always get medown. A pirate looks at forty running on empty is always a good one. You knowwhat I mean, I'm sitting there and not drinking I'm thinking about all thosewomen that lital wrong a oenus. You know, and I'm thinking about my funeral.You know it's like I'm thinking about my funeral, I'm dead, I'm dead. Youknow because what they did to me and how they treated me and there's thefuneral in all them bitches are around the coffin. They feel like shit as well. They should because they knowhow they treated em, I'm not actually dead by the way, I'm behind the treewatching the whole darn thing. You know, I think when you get to that point, I think there's a problem, I'mpersonally thinking, there's a probat that point. You know I mean I'm not crashing cars againstDIS. I just not, and alcohol has a little to do with it,because I can't stop drinking, but you want to know something you know I e e is I you can I mean I by ways, but the bottom lineis pin wine. Is that not crazy? And I don't even go like how crazy I am so there's a lobbies of a lot of thingsthat happen. I'm not going to go into that, but I'm like well, what's the story?What do I have when I? What do I do so it an? I don't realize it I, but in any men, so the bottom line isI'm gonna go straightforward. I got to a point of my life where I worse mymind, er. So much stuck. Should I tell youabout how I treated I came home drunk that night. She take me yeah. This is what I onterstan. Whatshe said come on one one time on leaving you that's not the way I work.She kicked me out of the House. I apparently left her you know, and butyou want to sometimes I walk in the car leaving my house on Miami Beach on theGod curst and my wife and my child and...

...everything that should be important tome. I was exact. I don't have to come. I could go to thebar. I could take that women. You know I didn't have the guts to tell my wife.I wanted a divorce. I mean I love. You know I m Ta some I met her. I was liketwenty twenty one years old or something like that. She walked into acollege for she had legs up here to jeer leader. I said then, if I can onlyif I could only have her everything would be. Okay, you all my ver savingyourself. I can only have that Louse, my life, my life could be. Don't youunderstand. I know now that my life, my entire life, would change. If I canonly have that car, I went down one day and I plumped downeight thousand dollars on a the first COMARO. They came up the Miami in onethousand nine hundred and seventy- and I knew my life was going to change and I got that car and they said comeback to ash. No, I want it now. I how we got a Premeno, your hat, to break opaid for we got a rabbit, and I can dine that next morning that Saturdaymorning at eight o'clock to get that car- and I got in that car man andeverything changed for me. You know I knew I was okay down with that brandnew come out, go with the white land on Tom and I drove down drove down all theroad and I knew the entire world was A. I knew every woman that China waslooking at me. You know, I mean there. I knew everybody I would I had theshirt on. I was about a hundred and fifty pounds less than I am right now Iwas buff. I had a cigarette in my life. My my mouth I had like like sleevesrolled up with a cigarette pack. In there I had the sun glasses on you knowwhat a day I'm just waiting for them to be discovering me. You know I knew theywere all looking at me. I was waiting to be discovered. I stopped that youknow I don't be a cold, be drunk. I walk at a bar with a good looking Galand they're all looking at me, I'm high as a kind. You know what I mean.Everything makes me high, you know and I'm going after it, and so I'm drawingdown that thing and I stop at The red light and all of a sudden some guy drives up next to me in a randomcatallactic were some whole. Some old fat bastard probably looks like me right now. Youknow sitting next to him. Is The play boyone? I look at him. He looks at me. I look at him. He looks I said myself. Why can't? I have a crum like that yeah, the feeling less than threeblocks came lasted thirty six months, as I kept me coming back from moreevery year, I had a gotta go one. You know that is by the way, that'sAltholas! Why Ce you figure out how to get rid of the non the lust? Why don'tyou get it? Why try to get rid of the lust of the things in this world Wyn's,try to figure out how to give her that stuff, because every time you'refeeling depressed and sorry for yourself and fucked up sober it'sbecause of the stuff of this world figure out how to not lust after thestuff of this world figure out how a not less after, be depending uponpeople and they're approval for out had to not do that then I'll. Tell you whatyou're sober on figure out, how to stop complainingabout what you don't have figure out. How the only thing thatsupports you in your life is helping other people figure out like it says that we mustget rid of the socialist. We must start. I kills us. God makes that possible figure out what that's all about figureout, what that's all about what you tryin t figuro t, how not to do withGod, then, because you know it's bullshit, because we're spiritual, notberates, but all the founders were religious as Shet. You know figure outhow when it says there is one wesel hour that one is God. May you find himnow how to water that thing down figure out how, when it says you got toutterly give yourself a band yourself to God figure out what it said. What itsays are a new base of base of trustful...

...line upon God, where it says we neverapologize for God. We never apologize all better faith of courage; they trusttheir God. We never apologize you. Let Him Demonstrate Your Life, who we arefigure out. What it says, all that stuff and to Mason says the words bitso onefold to make Turbie he's. I gotta keep conkered at it and tell how manyother people figure out what Dr Bob says. If you have some sort of pride,Enteles prothect keeps you from understanding what the hell were.Trying to tell you. I feel sorry for you, you're, a heavenly Fagon Metov, likeyou down figure out how on the book says there is one O is on power. Thatone is got in when the book says and Bill Wasn't says in his story. He says,but I still hated God, I still hated God. I had a ademit on I couldn't. Icouldn't bring myself believing God, because the apples of my neck grew upin my sense of the Chatenoi and then his friend says only says. Well, if youcan't love God, if you can't do it, if you can't do the God, then then, why don't you just use your ownconception, God as a compromise as a compromise, some people never get off of thecompany know there's a special tetigo. You actually think that's the deal, butI will promise you this. You will get out of it the same address we hers andyou will experience and get out of this thing to the extent that you basicallyabandon yourself and to read yourself this thing and now you're in Ay, where it says want to make that sinceredecision, for God also to remarkable things happen to being old. Paul can beeverything you need everything you need to stay close to him and performancework well, and his lot o work is to love other people and help other people so pegram how you going to do that whenyou have a big book, then all it tells you is set ye relationship with him waswriting. Great events will come best to you and come with others, and he got agroup of I don't know. I love the fell ship, but I want to tell o somethingthat well people's aoms when you have a group of people justround by people that you feel you get the clear indication that you'resitting here, that if you talk about God that I'm going to like you and then understand that one of theconsequence of being at oholous be liked by other people, and you can'tstand if somebody doesn't like you, that's one of the problems I said to mysponsor ones. You have got reseen, he says, got Im. I give them Hasani figureout how you're going to get this thing when you have this marvelous fellowshipthat gives you clear indication that they're so superior to religious peoplethat their spiritual, not religious, I'm religious and spiritual and oneevil son of a bitch. You know something because I know who I am, and I know without God, in my life andwithout my focus on him- and you know with the great fact is you know to mefacts as you want to Rodin. It says God has to be the central fact of your life. You've got to be convinced that helives in your heart, er, mind n. The way we should be miraculous, he's goingto do if oi car or something and that's very hard to do when you're, moreworried about when the guy sitting. Next to you was thinking about you,who's, not even pain or Beso them and you're trying, and you get theclear education, then maybe the God thing isn't the way to go I'll just begodess. I understand them, and maybe you want to consider the possibility,the possibility that the God they said a God, that they say what do they say?There is one who, as all power, that one is God that you find them now. Youmay want to consider the God that has all power, the one God that has allpower. You May Forget: Mine, forge out the possible of that bad god, whateverGod is that they're talking about the bill will set in Bon talk about we'retalking about maybe different than the god of your understanding...

...that there may be actually a differencebetween the God of your meager understanding and the God that has allpound. Maybe you know you that Tis impossible that you might your mind,might limit God and live at God to the extent that you never experience any ofthese promises, except maybe a little bit of the not drinkin thing, and soyou think you're on the right track ice if you're only culprits that nodrinking but you're not waning, to do the extrarepetition or the Tusuf to row the fuck up. Maybe that's what you want to think out. I'm like done here what I start. I started senso in any event. So what? If that? I don't know what ittastes time, sometimes I'll be sponsored. Somebody on sable they'lltell about a problem they're having we got about five years, ten news! Fifteenyears I say: Hey, don't worry about it! YOU'LL BE OKAY! Twenty years, I you got nothing better do so. I'mgonna tell one story to one story. I got we got like ten minutes lest I veten minutes for I'M A to Leo Sport. So this is a true story. When I was ten years old, a now list,don't get a fen well get offended, you know, get offended, not go botherme, you know, you'll be you'll, be walking out of here. He, my God, sayingI hate that guy would ellanby I'll be going to have. You know steak orsomething like that with the guy I but anya. So when I was ten years old weryou get I'm just going to take. This is my life, and this is a life of most ofthe people. I know to have thirty. Forty years doesn't necessarily apeyour life with this. My Life Thet will come a time in your line where, if you don't grow spiritual andyou don't surrender more, you will get to the point where you will stay soberto a certain amount of time. But to you will you will not be happy with this rightin vision to they say here and there once in a while, a person try on O God,you know says, feel better. Look better. Have we happen every time we smile suchsally? You know, he'll, try the old game again because he's not havin withdesprit. No, he no son O. No one is you do and you won't even realize it'shappening because one of the incredible things about I used to say to mysponsor. I have these mean sponsors I'll talk to you about that later mensponsors, I used to say to my Sponsi, said: I'm set because they treated meas they were askin. Yes, you know, then, I said to my Sponson says that he saysno rust. Great artist is sensin you're, just touching it's different, buthere's the in Gretel thing, although we are sense. Yes, I think that our box is,we can take. We can live the most incredible miserable horrible life andand think we're okay and put up with it. It's amazing how horrible our lives canbe, how terrible I can be, and we sort of think that that's the way it is. Wedon't think an them, because our alcohol, like seems Norblin, we can'tsuffer the proof of the falls so matter how horrible we feel we feel like we'redoing. Okay, because we've never felt anything, but this he does so I'msaying so. It's a pretty incredible thing so, somewhere around ten years ofso that's what happens with sobriety, you get a certain point when you're notdrinking the having your Italians responso people, you do it all the workand everything like that and you're, not happy, but you don't know you're,not happy. You just feel like you're doing. Okay, and sometimes you arehappy, you have good times and a a's good, it's one for it's better than itwas before, but you're, certainly not experiencing the deal. One time you'll run in the summer,you'll see someone bay like I do it out. Candy you'll, see you'll, see I don't tellyou D, Ask em o you'll, see the deal.

You'll see somebody who has beenrocking more conection, you'll say a fun was that I want. I want a lot that to well seean L, ten S, Ting cancer, given a median talking to people and Sagan. Iwant to hang up that. Not that's incredible somebody will say well, youknow, he's tone cancer and say no ntou spoken the meeting s tin of Tan res Sasix one to live. I said in Santhinoa cancer and I just spent through West onabout a hang now. You know what I mean is like dying of cancer. He's got sixmonths to live and he's tolling to me and he's trying to help other peoplehe's happy as a clam. It's like just won the lottery is say what the Hell isthat Shit and you realize this there not drinking and sober, because all Ido is to plan where he has so when I was about ten years over. Igot to a point in my life where things weren't going so that you wouldn't knowif you saw because I was talking around the Beas AAs fuck, that's good loisdoing all the stuff, and I at have a lot of Travisan of pride. You know sothen I'm like on nothing. So I could tell you, I'm not Goin, to tell anybodyI'm going to try to fix it myself with my brain. You know my brave poweringand that kind of thing and the BIN ten years. You know you doubledigons and I wasn't doing well and to make a launch start out a e Resono thathopeland when I'm up in a vivus and I'm like to go into all that maybe later orsomething like that. I wanted up to that which, which led to a whole otherdifferent deal and even look at the book where they encourage churchmembership and all that stuff and we'll talk about that man some of the time.But we talk about Maintenance and growth of the spiritualcondition and get closer to God and stuff like that, but anything so. I've had about fifteen yearssobriety and I'm trying- and I and I go to this-my house, I'm in the new house now, but I'm in the house, by a spy dry cleanerby the dry cleaner to driving in the dry finger. You can actually see myhouse to you. You can see the roof of my house and I drive into the strikeleader and in my car you know at that time.You know I would have all these books. I've been have a big book and I have abig big buck and I have a twelve and twelve. I have a Holy Bible, you know,but I mean one big sugger. You know, King Jimmy Bible, you know Kim a youdig Ray. You could hit somebody with that killing. You know what I mean:It'd, be a big Bible there and also of stuff and I'm driving around, and Ipull up to the the dry cleaner and there's this kidthere and he's like sixteen years old, seventeen years old, I don't know andhe's wearing his pants down to his knees. Has Anybody ever seen this? Idon't see so much now, but back then you know they were swearing. His Pan. Idon't even know what holds some on. It's like the bouncers like six entersabove snags and and he's going like this. He says: Hey Ere, he goes hey man,he says I said. What's your name, he says Leo My Name's Leo. I said Hey niceto speak to Leo how you doing, but it says fine. He says you know. I got oneof those, that's how he points like these. I got one of those on on as it is, I m a Bible Yeah. I gota Bible, I am an OS. He says I said Eve repeatedand he says you know he got of my instance says Itry to. I tried a lot and help everybody you don't have to have me diein your pocket. I help you so I said ever ready says something.While I try to read it's hard to read. I said I said: Hey I'll, tell you what I saidyou see that house over there is is: Yes, is every Thursday morning, seventhirty! I go to a model study, put a bunch of men and everything like that.If you are at my house, you know like seven o'clock, some fifteen at my housethere next Thursday, he says which Thursday, which is the next day it wasnext, take to morrow. He says I'll, take it above his really. This isactual. Is that next lot and I leave the truth story, can't make the shit up.You can't really could. But...

...so I leave and I go around to my stuffI to get all about Theo. You know and I wake up the next morning I go out to goto my Bible study, which has a bunch of recovery, be people there, but and thatdid that twenty guys man between the ages of like you know, twenty five andan ninety nine guys have been studied the source, the Cur, because I'm sureyou guys know if you read dot bout, good old, timers, the books that theyfound absolutely essential during the first four years of a a when it wasn't.A big book was first on Gin. Thirteen seven amounted with the canes Weroncall. The game t come Si, nor you guys know that those are the pons. They readthe the whole thing comes out bit and be as to me. The bottom line is when Istart doing that big book came like Technical Telaba. The bottom line is soI pulled up when, when I went outside standing by my car is Leo, were o hey how you doing so fine, he says heyyou mean, I said, okay get, I care gone, so I go over to the Bible. Studyingwith the forty yen. I was like twenty guys in twenty five guys here Leo, sitsthere he's like sixteen years old. Now these guys are like forty to nine yearsold he's like you're. Looking at this kid, you know he's like red me. Youknow what I mean he's like. You know they're looking at this kid like theylove them. They just love the fact the ER, so it goes around. I don't evenknow talk out whatever, who knows a talk about is like conserving andfinally gets at Leo. At the last I races he says I think Jesus was analien. These guys are really serious. You know, he's a serious guy and you'reA and they say they say yeah he's an alien, keep coming bad, that's whatthey said we say: keep coming back. We love it in Adele to say the real deal.They look them. You know what I mean they love them. He can do no on so I drive, I gonta drive him back and he says so. Could you do me a favor?I said Lo, you said Cud drive me to my house. I said sure you just direct mehow to do it and I start driving to me he's telling me a story and he a sixtyold kid and his mom works. You know- and he is my frame so he says, go go back to your houseand aces and make a laugh, and I make a lot. He just will drive down to stopsomething around make it right. This is drive o you make a laugh, make a rightNilagiri. So we're about six or seven miles away from my house is just that'smy talents. He there. So I pull up there and I said man, it'sgood to see. I said how did you, how did you? How did you get to my house- and hesaid so- you woke up three o'clock in the morning and he walked to my house. Use got their only action when you wantto be late, and I got guys in that asked me like. How can I do this?I and I said: Well, you got to go there swhen I was kind of far I'll do a step, Sarson Bel, to tonethis says we e my sponsor. I well, you know I'm a little far away, but I'm adto do it. So what do I do is is come on down. We're gonna have a workshop, myhouse down in my avilis kind of Fan- and I know I just drove it- give this mess team. So I'm always looking through the Leos.You know there's Leos and than this the pretenders. If you got to deal with out caution todeal with a lot of pretenders a lot of fuyons on deal with a lot of action, sometimesthe pretender should become the real thing you never know. So. Thank you right. NAT got a t.

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