AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 123 · 3 months ago

Russell S. Milwaukee Primary Purpose Banquest 8/13/2022

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. Milwaukee Primary Purpose Banquest 8/13/2022. "No Drunk A Log"

My name is Russell, attacking me already. Right. First of all, I want to tell you something. I just want to congratulate the young lady who came up here. I I forgot her name, but what was her name? Ashley. Congratulates the Ashley, all the New People, all the new people. Andrew, thank you very much for getting up here and reading. And Uh and Steph, thank you very much for that tendant talk, and I want to thank everybody here who is new. You know, I love the old timers, I love people that have some time and I'm gonna talk about that deal and my situation. You know, the big book says, above everything, we must get rid of the selfishness because the drinking is not a problem. You may think that drinking problem is not a problem. A lot of people die because they didn't. Drinking is the problem. Look, I don't want to get into an argument the old time. It's the the plug of the Jug. Drinking is less the problem. If if drinking, if people knew that drinking wasn't the problem, we'd have two hundred guys with forty and already in forty years in here. and He's been around for ninety years, by the way. My Nights Russell's Pats I'm in I call him. I haven't found less to have a drink since January twenty fifth nineteen eighty one, my forty second year. Married forty two years. My sponsor said don't make any major moves during the first year. So I got so I got married when I was stew months sober. You may have been right about that, but steul leg now I got four kids I raised sober and eight grandkids and it's two leg now for me. The bottom line is that I live an incredible life. And UH, he's been around for like ninety years. He's been around for ninety years. So somebody's you have to explain to me. If you have programs been around for ninety, ninety years, how come there aren't ten, twenty or thirty guys with forty years and forty years in here, ten twenty, thirty people with thirty years in here, and I'll tell you why. And I don't know everything and I haven't listened. I like the farmer's commercial. I know a lot because we know a lot because we've seen a lot. I'll just tell you about you know, when a man with experience meets a man with money. The man with money, with the experience, will walk away with the money and the man with the money we'll walk away with an experience. And I can tell you this. The one thing you can't learn, you've got to experience, experience, experience in alcoholics anonymous. Well, that's how we got a new perspective, that's how we learned the value of suffering through repeated humiliations in the final crushing of our self sufficiency. And the only that forty two years, for forty one years, means to me is I've been crushed for forty one years. So I have a lot of experience having my ass handed to me when I went to off, when I went off the deal, and that's how you learn in here. That's how alcoholics learned to paint, you know, paints the touchstone and everything. So I'M gonna share a bunch of things. I gotta be honest with you. Ever since I was ten years over, I been speaking on the circuit and all over the place and doing a lot of means and stuff like that. My story has changed and your story will change and your heart will change. And the big book and a big book, it says above everything must get rid of the sulfialist because the drinking is but a symptom to disease. Nobody here right now has a drinking disease, has a has a drinking problem. We are over one hundred men women who have recovered. You have recovered from a seemingly I'll tell you what. You know what a seemingly sense of you know what a we've recovered from seemingly says a seemingly what is it? Seemingly somebody helping stateom minding. But you know what a seemingly state of minded bodies? Let me tell what that is. You wake up in the morning, you say I'm not gonna drink today and by five o'clock in the morning, five o'clock in the afternoon, you're drinking. You wake up the next morning, you say I'm definitely not gonna drink today and by five o'clock in the afternoon you're searching for dimes, Nichols and quarters. So go down to the WIN Dixie and purchased a court bottle or gallon by heffgown bottle, Carlos Russi Cante, and you can sit by your phonograph and drink into oblivion and play your rolcky songs like only the lonely or I'm Mr Blue, or rainy days and Mondays, and think about your funeral and all those gals that broke your heart and how that they're crying because they treat you like crap. You know what I mean. I'll tell you what drinking, a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body is when you can't stop drinking, Kim to alcoholic. So I don't know how you do the first step. I can't tell me about how I can't get somebody to do for you step, because I personally believe, and this is my own person I drank my way into the first step. I promise you. I shouldn't promise you this because I don't know everybody, but you drink enough, you will get to the point where you will come to the realization that you've probised to alcohol in your life's unmagical and I Kim a day, and this is what I said. I need help. I can't stop drinking. I'm in alcohol. This no woman, no car, no amount of money, no suit of clothes, no job, no nothing ever worked quite as well as just a few drinks and if it worked for you, let me say if it worked for me now the way it worked for it worked me now the way it worked when I was saying teens, all that's still be drinking it, but it doesn't work for me anymore and it's stopped working for me a long time ago. And the problem with me is it Stopp working for me for stopped working for me ten years before I realized that stopped working for me. And I heard a lot of people and here's the deal. Here's how I've changed. In the big book, the real problem is selfishness, self centeredness, driven by a hundred forms of fear, self delusion, self seeking. That means...

...we're delusional. You know what delusional means? We don't. We have no idea what's really going on. We think we know everything. We have no let me tell you something. Graduated Department honors in Mathematics. I was going through a PhD and out's great topology. I was a smart guy. I went to law school, graduated law degree. I became a division chief in the states story's office, the largest office, and stay Florida during major primes cases. National Sciences at you fellow I'm a real smart guy. The Smart I was the drunk where I gotten more people. I heard. You know I mean. I'll tell you. We're smart. Gets you, it gets you nowhere, get you know where in this deal. And I'll tell you what the big book says. What the big book says is that Ralt clocks and we we don't know. Can't you see? I'm talking folic stake things. Personally, you know that. You know I told my sponsor, was one of my sponsors. I said, I'm sensitive. He says, no, US great artists of sense. If you're just touching, it's different. You know, our alcoholic life and the way we think and the way we are, sober, drunk, it doesn't matter. Seems normal. Screaming of people seems normal, blaming people seems being a victim seems normal. Feeling sorry for yourself seems normal. Every person you've ever heard, every scroop you've ever done, every crappy decision you ever made, it seems normal. I'm an alcohol I can't recognize the truth from the false. Our alcoholic life seems the only normal one. Above everything, we want to get rid of the selfishness. Yeah, you can get rid of the alcohol. You, Hey, you can get up rid of the drinking. What about it? Trying, why don't you try to stop your thinking? I'm sitting in my car, I'm five years sober. I'm driving along, I'm in the I'm in the I'm in the shower, I'm lathering up. All of a sudden I hear this voice. You're an Asshole, you ought to kill yourself. You're a loser, you're never gonna be okay. You're such an idiot. I look around the showers. Use the only that stuff. WHO's saying that crap to me? There ain't nobody in the shower except me. You know, that's me telling me who I really think I am. That's my reputation. And if you're an alcoholic, you do that crap all the time, all the time, and you can run around and go to meetings and turn on the TV and and let me say some that's sober. That's sober. You do that stuff. Let me tell you some alcoholism. I don't even recognize alcoholism because when I was before I give a day a alcoholism could have reared its head five miles down the street and it's approaching me and before it even got close to me and said, Hey, I'm I need to drink because I drank my alcholism. What you get sober? That's when you find out about alcoholic fear. That's when you find out about the fear, the feeling sorry for yourself. That's when you find out the real deal, about what this thing is really about. And so big book says about everything. You must get rid of the selfishness. And how can get rid of something that you don't even know you have? You don't even think you have. You must or it kills us. God makes that possible. Let me tell you some I'm not HP, not the Flying Monkey. God makes that possible and I'm gonna go into a little bit of that. So don't listen. If I upset you, if I disturb you, I don't mean it, I'm not, it's just something that always seems to happen whenever I talk. It's not my fault, you know, an other words, I'm a product of alcoholics, anonymous and working these steps and doing this deal for forty one years. So if I seem like an idiot to you, and I heard your feelings, it's not my fault. But I want you to understand. We have something called a spiritual accident and it's an accent. You know what accio means, like a lot of other things, and those things, if you never question it, we never pick it apart, we never say why is it that? Why? Why can't we do that? It's an axiom, it's axiomatic, it's a spiritual axiom, it's a spiritual truth. There are material truths in this world, like physics and astrophysics and Newtonian laws and the theory of relatively and then there are spiritual laws and just a spiritual acts him. Whenever you're disturbed, no matter what the cause, there's something wrong with you. So if you walk out of here and you're saying, who the hell invite that guy? I hate that guy. It's got a full of crap. Let me explain something to you. You're either gonna drink or you're gonna write my name down on the list. You'RE gonna say Russell's facts. He thinks he knows everything. He called me this, he said this hurt my pride, hurt my ego. Where was I? F and then you're gonna go through this whole thing. You're talking problem. You're gonna pray for me and then five years and now you're gonna need that. I mean you're gonna say you know, I used to hate you. Can Know I love you and whatever I'm saying that pisses you off, that's disturbing you, I can guarantee you that's the same thing that I'm doing to you, that you're experiencing that screwing you up in the world with all the other people in the world. That thing, it's not me, whatever it is that's bothering you, it's bothering you with all the other people in the world, a lot of other people who are like me or doing to you whatever you think it's doing to you. And one day, if you work this program and you ask...

God's help, you know what's gonna Happen. You're gonna go hear me say something. You may not agree with it, but you want us and it's not gonna bother you. And the moment it doesn't bother you because God has lifted that defective character, all the other russells in the world that bother you are not gonna bother you. And you know something, you're gonna come to know heaven. You'RE gonna know peace because we've got a lot of guys that stopped drink. We got a huge not drinking club, very small rocket in the fourth dimension of Existence Club in the year. See, here's the problem. I know a lot of guys, a lot of men, a lot of men. I don't know what's going on with groups here, but I'll say what's going on groups in the rest of the world that I see. I I wish I had a dollar for every guy who's had I had five years and then I drank at ten years and then I drank at twenty years and then I drank at thirty years and then I drank. We got a gazillion people. You know the reason why, even though it's been around for ninety years, we don't have forty people in here with over thirty years. If you really knew the statics, is statistics on how many people they used to be. One of statistics was one a half of one percent. One in two people make over twenty years. You know because you know you get this program. Bill Wilson said, what do I think of people that don't Teo, can don't go to means? I have no use from they have no gratitude. You get this program into your heart. You want to do this program, you stay sober, you stay here. Do you help people? You're around. You're sober. You know that's the deal. What do we got two or three guys here me that have over forty years. Maybe you know what I mean. With the program's ninety years. A ton of people that have ten, fifteen years, maybe a few that have twenty years. Where are all the people with twenty and thirty years? It's been around for ninety years. You know why they're not around? They'RE gonna THEY'RE gonna be back in here. They're coming back in next year you'll have the guy here. You don't say I had ten years and then I stopped going. You here all the time. It means what are you here a needing? So you hear things like why do people drink? They drink. You're here at all time. What do they drink? Oh, you know what they right, they said I stopped going to eatings. Right, I stopped. Continuing, continued, I stopped. I stopped going to meetings. I had ten years. Everyone Great. Then I stopped going to meeting, I stopped talking to my sponsor, I stopped working the steps, and so you're sitting Well, I know the second name. I'm never gonna I'm never gonna stop going to meetings. I'm gonna stop going to my sponsor. But you don't know is that guy who stopped speaking to a sponsor ten years prior to that Saturday to meeting, just like you did. He says, I'm never gonna stop going to meetings. You never asked yourself why did the guys stop going to meeting stuff? Why did the guys stop? You know why, because he never dealt with something called alcoholism. He dealt with a drinking thing. He never dealt with alcoholism. With sensors in your mind and not your body, let me explain something to you. This may not have been explained to you on the second step. The second step is the step that we come to believe that it is the step that God can restore us to sanity. Isn't that the stuff? Am I getting this right? Yeah, let me tell you some I'm seven three years old and I've seen all. I've been rocking in the fourth dementia of existence. Okay, this is a true story. This is all LEMIS. Is the truth. My wife stands next to me about a year ago. She puts her hands on her hips right in front of the TV set. I'm watching TV and she says you never listened to a word. I said, I'm thinking, what a strange way to start a conversation. You know what I mean, and then she said, yes, stay with me, you know what I'm talking about now. So she had me, this is true. She thought of a Sceno, you know, and I am a little seen a. So just remember that I speak all of the country I speak. You had a little scene. I don't know who's Crazier, a Senog guy like me? I feel like a Senog guy like me for people that sit around for a now and listen to a seenog guy like me, but I'm not sure, but I want to. So she had me tested fercinility. I go down, they did the brain scam, they did the whole thing and they tested him, the neurologist everything, and then she don't they told her I'm not seeing all. She was very disappointed that she had to test. Then she had to be tested. YEA, from my hearing, rich said I was deaf and he says no, it's not death and the guy what's wrong with the selective hearing and whatever. I don't know. I don't know what that is, but it got me in trouble. But in any event, you know. And so here's the problem is when you become emotionally sober. Bill Wilson Talks about emotional sobriety. He wrote a hope when he was twenty three or sober. He was going down to tubes. He was going down tubes and he couldn't understand why he started a. He was his whole thing was in a. He was doing everything in a and he was going down the tubes. He almost drank again and he wrote he wrote, Uh an asset, you ought to read it when he's twenty three year sober on emotional sobriety said he said the real problem with alcoholics are unhealthy dependencies, idolatry. If you'RE gonna be a Christian guy like him, you know what I mean. It's about depending upon things of this world. And you know what one of the you can't depend upon anything except to God, anything except God. That's why God's on, but that's why he's everything or he's nothing. And let me give you the clue. A takes the position he's everything. He says half measures avail US nothing. You know what that means. Then he's half measures availance nothing. There is no middle of the road solution. That you know that he's there's no middle of the road solution. You know what means. We gotta utterly...

...abandon ourselves. Damn, you know what it means. I means utterly. You know what utterly means? You ought to look it up. It's even more than a Bandon, it's utterly abandoned self. You know the talk about the good old timers. says the books that we found absolutely essential. How many people know what the word essential means? You listen, you know what it means essential. So if essential means essential, what does absolutely essential means? Means it's pretty damn essential. Did you know what Dr Brob, the good old Dr Bob, the Gir Old Times? This is about alcoholics, anonymous from nineteen thirty five to nineteen thirty die before the big book was written. You guys read the Big Book Right? This is this this thing. You go line by line. Does big book say something like really haven't seen a person fail who was thoroughly followed up path? Thoroughly followed up path does the big book say that? Just tell me what it says. Does it say that really, I'm seen prince bail is third. Anybody ever look up the word thoroughly? That big books written nineteen thirty nine said, really, I haven't seen you do what we did. You'll get what we got. So you have to read Dr about the good old times. It says what they did. You know. It says Dr Bob, listen, this is hey, your intild, your own opinion. I'm just gonna give you the facts. You can get mad at it and maybe it'll go away and maybe twenty years from now you'll say, listen, that God is right. You know, you never know. You know it says in dcrbout the good old time is it says the books that we found absolutely essential during the first five years was first pints, thirteen, sermon on the amount in the book of James. We're almost spoed to James Company. Did you know that? Did you know when Dr Bob was coined the phrase first things first, he said, what does that mean? He said seek you first, the Kingdom of God and his righteousness and all things that be added unto you. Do you understand back? And then they used the Bible and the Holy Bible extensively and they was absolutely essential when they wrote that book. You See, if you, if you read the books and you look at what it's saying, that you don't make believe and don't pay you stop not paying attention to stuff you don't like, you'll understand that most people read the big you know, you do the program just like I do the program, don't you? You do everything they tell you're doing the program, except the crap you don't want to do right, you do everything you in other ways. What you do is you decide what is applicable to you and you decide what is not applicable to you using your, let me guess, brain, your brain. So we got the second step. It says really, have you seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed up? I'm sorry. The second step says I can believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore to sanity. So let me let me tell you know, I'm a lawyer's from the words Smith on this. I'm not. I'm not that right, but I'll tell you this. When they say it will restore you to sanity, what they're really trying to tell you in a not so subtle way is that you are insane, because sane people do not need to be restored to sanity. Insane people need to be restored to sanity. So what you gotta understand is this marvelous fellowship we have. We have this marvelous book that as God all through it. It says, we never apologize that God never all men of faith have courage. They trust their God. Instead, we let him demonstrate our lives that he can do for us. You know what it says. It says this, it says, but we might not know you. We don't know. God will determine that. He will determine. He will. He will. Your real reliance has to be on him. He will, he will allow you to find the fellowship you pray see to what your relationship with him is. Writing. Great events will come down to you with call of fathers. Were on the new basis, the basis of trusting and trusting and relying upon God. He is the keystone. This is the keystone. He's the father with the children, he's the employer, you know I mean with the agents. He's the principles. Most good ideas are simple. This is the triumphant arm and every single page, job or no job, life or not, let him know that his main thing is he's got to relieve on God. He's got to be he's got to be thoroughly convinced that God is the answer. And then we have this marvelous fellowship which, I hate to say this to you, I once said to my sponsor I was complaining about the postship and alcoholics anonymouss. Well, you must have thought you joined wealth people's anonymous. So we have a book that all through it and on the wall, all it does is talk about God. And we got people in a all over the country that's scared to talk about God and a meeting because some guys, some idiot's gonna come up to them and says you're gonna Kill the newcomers. And the newcomers are being killed and everybody else is being killed because nobody's doing this the way it was done between nineteen thirty five and nineteen thirty nine, actually between ninety five and nineteen fifty, because they continue to read the Bible and do all that stuff. And it's all changed. It's all changed because they didn't want to offend alcoholics. And let me tell you something. The good news is offensive. The truth is offen. If you're an alcoholic and you're insane and you're crazy and you're killing people and you're out there and you have to come in here and you ask an old timer or somebody knows what the hell they're doing what they should do, trust me, he's gonna tell you something and you're gonna get mad at it. Trust me, just like they said in the big book, whatever they say into the agnostics. If...

...a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life would have would have, would have helped us, we would have been sober a long time ago. Right. Didn't they say that? I got that wrong. But those codes, those morals, not thinking, none of that really helped us. Right. It says, therefore, we wrote a book that's still seriousable and therefore we must of course talk about God. And did did I get that right? Did they say we must talk about God? They said that, right. What's the next thing they say? You anybody know what the next thing he says? Here's here the alcoholics Bristle, the bristles on the neck go up, and here's where the problem arises. When you hear an alcohol talk, saying put down God or say don't too much, say too much about God, or don't talk about God, or you're gonna hurt people. Talk about God. What he's really trying to tell you is I'm not sober. That's the disease talking. Stay the hell away from me. You know, what we have here as a giant bucket of crabs. And then we go. You Go crabbing, you take a crab, you throw them in a bucket. Throw them in a bucket. We'll crawl out of the bucket. You know, you keep the crab in a bucket, throwing another crab. You're throwing another crab and as the first crab tries to crawl out of the bucket, the bucket of the spiritual kindergarten, you know, is that what we've got a spiritual kindergarden here. So sometimes the crab wants they'll crawl out of bubbet some people want to, you know, sort of like graduate from kindergarten, maybe get the first grade or second grade or something like that. You know what happens? The other crabs in a pull them back in, you know, to get what most people will never have. An alcoholics anonymous. You better be prepared to do what most people will never do. And part of the disease of alcoholism is the disease of you want people to like you, want people to love you, don't want people to hate you, and so you're very, very careful about watching what you say and what you do or wrong people. And then after you say you say, why did I say that? Why do you do this? You're always second dressing yourself, you're always trying to blend. Your whole thing is, please love me, Aholic. If you're an alcoholic here, please love me a polic. Please don't accept me a hoolic. I don't know what they think about me. Aholic, and that's the disease of alcoholics. Anonymous, and that's the thing that traps you and binds you and makes you less free. And that's why those people will never lose fear of other people. They will always suffer from out they will never lose fear of other people or, if that cannot get security, they will always be worried about what other people think about them. You know why? Because they get their entire self. God carmentator said, the men men wrote book man against themselves. You know, and you know about it. He has the whole chapter on alcoholism, chapter on suicides and men, alcoholics and men and women wore out destroy themselves. Every alcoholic I've, I know, and I know myself, thinks they're unworthy. Deep downside things they're unworthy. They know they're not good enough. Do you ever say to anybody I don't give a crap what other people think about me? Hey, how about this? You ever tell yourself you don't give a profit to other people think about you? Do you ever tell your crap self I don't give a profit they think you? I don't. I don't give a I don't give a crap what they think about me. Do you ever do that? You know people that really don't give a crap with other people think about them. Never, never say I don't give a prefer other people think about me. They never say to themselves. They never. You don't. They say things like past, the catch up, but they don't say that ship. You understand what I'm saying? That's delusional alcoholics walking into the great job telling lines to themselves, telling them there's something that they're not and they will never experience the promises full time. You know why? Because they're not really they're not willing to totally abandon themselves. So in the big book of Alcoholics and Novi Says God, it talks about the above everything. We must to get rid of the selfishness. We must or it kills us. God makes that possible. And then it says, it goes on saying, this is from a big book. I'm just you know you don't like you don't like what I'm saying. You know, all you gotta do is Pall New York and tell them the ripping out of the big book. I won't talk about it's as similars that I get people to come up to me. They said, you know, I really like it when you said this. I said, you mean when I quoted a big book? He said Yeah, yeah, but it's the way you said other words. You mean I said it in a way that I hit the open head with a mount with it and you couldn't ignore it. You mean that way? He says, yeah, that way. You know, this is what the big book says. After it says you must get rid of this selfish sestem, we must start kills as God makes that possible. Once you make a sincere decision for God and a sincere decision for God is different than a decision, a third step decision for God. I got down on my knees when I was about a month or two sober. I got down on my knees in my bathroom, locked the door just in case somebody should walk in, and got on my knees and I said the third step prayer. I'm done. I made a decision. I made a decision for God. I made my decision for...

God and then I went went right out and did what the Hell I wanted to do anyway. And so I did the third step. But that's not what the deal is all about. That's not what the six step is all about. You know there is a separate you know there is two groups in an you know there's two groups. Right. You understand that? We have a large organization called alcoholics anonymous. We got two doors. We got one door. It's they're not drinking club. It's the door to they're not drinking club. There's ten million people in front of that door. There's another dog says rocket to the Fourth Dimension Club, the Rockgill Fourth Dimension Club has three or four people in front of it. Every once in a while you see some guy go from this door to the other door. You rarely ever see some guy going from the rocket and fourth dimension door. Back then they're not drinking club and you know they're not drinking club. They're not the rocket and Fourth Dimension Club. For those who get rocket in the fourth dimension of existence and they experienced heaven and they know peace. It's more than just not it's about joy and you can always tell when you're with one of those because they stand out and not scared. They're not scared of you all because who they are and what they are doesn't come has nothing to do with what you think about him. It has to do in their mind of what their God thinks about them and with the big book says. It says once you make a sincere decision for God, all sorts of remarkable things happen. Being all powerful, he gives you everything you need if you stay close to him and perform his works, well performing, because we all have works laid out for us, whether we're like it now and now at seventy three years of age, with the forty one year of sobriety in my forty second year. My work is really working with guys that have a lot of time over five or ten or fifteen or twenty or thirty years. I sponsor a lot of guys for thirty years, thirty five, that kind of you know why? Because they're the guys I'm worried about it. I'm not worried. I love newcomers. I'll work with do you comers. I'll talk to newcomers. But I'm worried about the guy who's got eleven years. It's gone through all the meetings like he's doing time. He's not drinking, so he's just proved himself. He's okay, but he's the Gud who's gonna drink next. And you know why? You know why he's gonna Drink, don't you? Because nobody's talking about God, because whenever you talk about God you get piste off and it towers. It cowers alcoholics, because alcoholics are cowards. All men of faith have courage. Alcoholics don't have faith. They're not faith in God. They they give lip service to God. The seventh step says you can even say you have religious belief and earnestly believing God, but it's a bunch of crap. It's bullshit. You want to know why? Because your faith is barren because God is not the central fact of your life. And you know it says the big book. Great fact is this and nothing else, nothing less than this, which means nothing less than this. God has to become the center of factor, the central fact of your life, and you must be convinced, convinced that he lives in your hearts and mind the way which indeed miraculous. He is doing for you what you can't do for yourself. Then how do you know you're convinced to that? How do you know you're convinced to that? How do you know he's the central fact of your life? How do you know, like Bill Wilson said, and alcoholics down as number three, the Lord has been so wonderful me. It's she's curing me of the set. He has cured me of this incredibly tailable disease. He's done everything for me. And what about Dotson saying about Bill Wilson? I'll tell you what he said about Bill Wilson. He said he said it changed my whole life. He called it the golden text. The name of Stevie's grew, he said, to gold because he gave all credit to God and he talked about it and so did Bob Smith, you know, and so did sands Francis, so did St Francis, of Assistant. And you know how. You know. You know how. You know you don't really believe because you're scared to talk about it, because you allow other people need to cower you, which is okay. I'm not putting you down, because I was a coward too. We all have to grow into it, because you have a fellowship with the whole thing depends upon God. Everything depends upon God. Where you go to meetings, where you continue go to meets, where you can do, to continue to do the right thing. You don't even know what the right thing is, because prop it's gonna Happen to this world we have no control over. You'RE gonna get brain cancer, people are gonna die, you have no control over and it's gonna hit you. It's not gonna be just one at a time or two or time one day, three of them you're gonna do you at the same time and something's gonna Happen in your life and gonna and you're gonna be drinking after eleven or twelve or fifteen year. Fifteen years. It's because you've got nothing that lay your hands on, you're gonna find out about, you're gonna you're gonna find out about what's solid in here what's not solid in here. So I don't care about the conference approof trap. I care about the founders approved stuff. You know this founders approvement of this conference approved. I'm just this is just my story. You can hate me, you can like me, you can walk out here, you can be piste off at me. I'd like to be piste off me. The concept that a few people could be out there thinking about me and hating me just excites me so much as unbelievable. I can't tell you how much it excites me. Man, I'm living for rent free in that guy's brain. He's going nuts, easy's gonna throw, he's either gonna drink or come to some sort of realization that maybe I'm telling the truth. You know what I mean. And I don't even know who he is. I don't care. I'm just gonna go on and saying the same stuff, and that's how you know what the story these guys are not scared to talk about what they were talked they talked about. We're so scared people and walk away. Oh...

...we're so scared. People are gonna look at this funny. You know why? Because if they walk away and they turn it back on it and they hang up the phone and they don't come back to a that means that we're not good people. We're not good, as you know, because we are egos are so fragile. We have such a low opinion of ourselves, we're so unworthy. And I'll tell you something. I feel sorry for some alcohol they come in here and where you know something? I'll tell you one thing. I can only tell you. I don't know how many people have sponsors. I did. My sponsor would like to give me a kick in the asset. And once a while you need a strong review, you know, and that that's it. Let me. I'll put it see this way. How about this? If we had as many faith blogus as we had drunk a logs in here, we'd have left people in eleven years drinking. If we had many as many faith a logues people talk about their faith, as drunk a logs, we'd have less people with five, ten, fifteen and twenty people drinking because they'd be seriously focused on God and they know what the six step is all about because, let me tell you, in case you can understand the English language, the fifth step where we lose everything and we give up any everything to get close to God. The fifth step, step, the sixth steps says this. It says it describes a well known courgey man, by the way, because we lose prejudice, even against organized religion, we begin to see where some of the things they're saying is right. Probably missed that part, especially when people are putting we have no problem with people putting down religion. We have no people. When people say I'm an atheist or that, we applaud those people, even though it takes a stand against atheism, an agnosticism. That's why they wrote the book chapter the Agnostics. This sort of thinking has to be abandoned. That's why they wrote the book. But we you can say that stuff and nobody will criticize you. Nobody will say don't say that stuff. There's newcomers here. This is all about God. But man, you start talking about God and end up beat the hell out of. You say you're killing newcomers. You know, let me tell you something that we spoke more about. But you know something, we don't do that doing. We don't talk about faith in here. You don't talk about God in here. Right. You know why? Because it ain't. Well, people's anonymous, because we're all scared. What am I what am I supposed to say about a person who's been here five times, fifteen years. You're scared to talk about God. What it means is why she was talking about God. He's not grateful to God. His life isn't sold out to God. You know, that's the deal. What am I supposed to say about? So, to make a long story a little well, I'm I'm oblis. So the bottom line is, at this time in my life, what I talk about is the stuff I just talked about. Now. What I want to talk about his emotional sobriety. You know all I used to you know, your story changes. I used to spend thirty minutes talking about a drunk bologue or forty minutes talking about a drunk blog. It was very funny. People loved it, it was great and I talked about when it came down, Dude, I'm gonna do a little of that stuff, you know, because that's my job, what it was like and all that sort of stuff. But nowadays, you know, at my age, what I do is I have workshops and I worked with people. I work with Gods that have ten, twenty, thirty years. You know, you don't have a drinking problem. They just have one crazy problems and you wouldn't understand, you wouldn't know about them. They just can't handle life, in their marriages and all sort of stuff, because they know how to bullshit in a meeting. They know what to say that a meeting. Half the time don't even know what their problem is. They don't even think they have a problem because they've been told as long as they're not drinking, they don't have a problem. You know, once you stop drinking, that's when the alcoholism really takes over, takes control. Never work, it's always talking to you. Do you ever hear anybody, that, I means say the committee had the committee going? You know what I mean. You know the fifteen towns and voice is all same bad crap about yourself and other people. You know. Let me see if that's the committee wanted something. I want to tell you something. You can run around do a lot of stuff. You can turn on the TV, you can go out, you can watch a movie to sort adult the committee. The committee never stops talking, and let me say some never worry about the committee talking, because at least they're inviting you to the meeting. You gotta worry about this, the executive committee that's deep down inside of you saying all sorts of craft, but you're not inviting to the meeting, you just end up doing stupid ship. By the way, I want to thank you. God gave me. This is what this is the gift I got for speaking here. John Wayne Toilet paper. Who knows, I'm a John Wayne, one of my favorites because of his saying life is tough and if you're stupid it's even tougher. So we've got John Wayne Toilet paper. He said this was appropriate for you know, for it's appropriate. You can be toilet paper for the stuff I'm about to share. So I don't I don't know what that means, but that's gonna tell them. So I came down, I'M gonna go, I'm gonna make this. I don't know why I'm gonna make it fast. I'M NOT gonna make it fast. I'm just gonna tell you this story. So let me tell you about alcoholism. Let me tell you a little bit about alcoholism. I think the first ten or fifteen years and a was to teach me what alcoholism is really what it really looks like. You know the cage, you know what you know. The first step in getting out of jail is you gotta know you're in jail in the first place. The first step in knowing that you're...

...an alcoholic and you had an alcohol problem. You gotta know you got an alcohol problem and realize that that takes about whatever it is, a ten of twenty years. Once you get an a a, you haven't even scratched the surface of your selfishness and your self centeredness. That's when you get beaten up and you start learning about what's really going on in here. So I get it. So I'm eighteen years old these little vignettes. So I'm eighteen years old, you know, I'm like every other eighteen year in my life is uh, I'm focused on girls, sex, money, cars. They come out with the new Camaro. It's like nineteen seventy and I know you know. If you're an alcohol com a, yes, butter and an if onlier and you don't understand it. I wake up every morning's saying if only you know, if only you know, that that's what Kirky wouldn't understand this, but this is what I do. I'd say, if only I had that gown, Oh, if I only had a new girlfriend, if only I had a different way, if only I had a new car, if only I had a different job, if I was only making new money, if only a blont here, if I can only lose weight, if I can only do this, if I can only do this, I be okay, not realizing that every time we say if only, you ever say if only to yourself. You ever wake up saying if only. Whenever you say, if only I had this, I'd be okay, what you're saying to yourself is I'm not okay. You live an entire life waking up every day saying the first word you say are I'm not okay. If only I had this, id be okay, and then you run around trying to get this and get that and get the other thing, you know what I mean, and you get upset if you don't get it, and even if you get it five minutes after you get it has a half life of like two minutes and then it's an if only thing again. So I'm eighteen years old and I'm like a young alcoholic, like every young alcoholic, and I the Camaros come out and I say to myself, I say that if I had one of those Camaros, those grand new Camaros, man, my life would change. You know, some women say, if I had that blouse, you know, there's a lot of iphones, if I only had this, if I only had that, if I only lived in Arizona, know what I mean? So I I happen to inherit some money, around six seven thousand dollars back then, and that's what cards would like. Going coral something. They weren't that expensive. Well, they it was expensive at the time. And I run down, I run down, I think of us. You know, I want immediate I want to be immediately fixed. You know, you want to get that blouse, you want to get that haircut. You know what you want to you want to get that Tattoo, you want to get that thing that's gonna Change your entire life. Such insanity, such insanity. That's you know what that is, by the way, that's alcohol. Whenever you run down to get something, you think it's gonna Change Your Life, you want to do something, that's alcohol. That's alcoholism. The drinking is an alcoholism. Whenever you run down and spend money to do something that's meaningless because you think it's gonna Change Your Life. That's the real alcoholism. And then you worry about why your credit cards are so charged, stuff and everything. I mean money is not important. It's just right up there with oxygen. And you worry about why you spend the way you do. And you know why I was let me tell you something. I was ten years sober when my spot I was I was broken again after ten years and I make a lot of money and I was broken again and my sponsor told me. I didn't I didn't know this. Did you know this? When you spend more money than you make, you're going to debt. Did you know? I didn't know that. I went up to Ray o'keef, you know, and I said, I don't understand this. What am I gonna that promise, uh, you you will lose economic isn't there a promise you'll lose economic insecurity? Is there a problem? I'm sorry, is is there a promise about economic insecurity? So I went to the road give. I said, I've been doing this thing for ten years. I was I was the in the Group Bank with tremor for two years. I was eight years on relay. I sponsored everything that moves, snakes, doesn't matter. I sponsor everything. I'm doing, steps all over the place, I'm speaking, I'm doing everything, and I said I'm broken again. I says, what am I gonna lose? Economic Insecurity. He says, what are you talking about? I said economic again, security. I have do this for ten, ten years. I'm doing everything. And when am I gonna lose? ACAUD says. I say, what are you talking about? Economically, he says it doesn't say that. They said it does say it. It does, he says, read it to me up. It says we will lose fear of the economic and security says, yes, yes, you will lose the fear. He says, Russell, you will always be broken. It just won't bother you. Somehow that made me feel better. I don't know what that was all about. You know, by the way, it's true. By the way, it's true, but I just want to tell you know it's true because whatever the key of this, well, that's I'm I'm going to that another thing. We'll go to that a little later, but it is a truth. It is a true thing. You know, you don't? You know what if you can? My sponsor comes some guy bounced the check on me. Five in a dollar chuck. I'm I'm five years over. I'm I'm killing this guy in my brain. I can't believe this has happened past me to bounce jacks. I'm going over and talking about bouncing checks, to checks jacks, the bouncy check. How can you bounce the check? I did all this farming. The bounce the check and check bouncing occupied my mind for a week. My sponsor comes up to me. He says, uh, listen's been talking about a check thing for I said yeah, he...

...says, he said, let me ask you a question, Russell. What if it didn't bother you? I said, I don't understand the question. He said no, I says, what if it didn't bother you? I said, Bob, I swear to God I don't understand the question. What do you mean? What if it didn't bother me? He said, the guy bounced the check and he said yeah, but what if it didn't bother you? I said, I swear to God, I don't know what you're Tom what do you mean? What if it didn't bother me. He says, well, what if it didn't bother he said, what do you mean? What if it didn't bother me? I said he said, what if it didn't bother you that he bounced the check on you? I said, what do you mean? You mean what if it didn't bother me? How would I feel that didn't bother me, that he bounced the five hunder dollar check on me? He said Yeah, how would you feel if it didn't bother you, that he bounced the five dollar check on you? I said, well, if it didn't bother me, I'd feel fine. He said, there you go and walk away. I mean, well, who, who are these people? You know, old timers are insane, they're nuts. So I buy the Camaro. I go down there and I spend all the money I have and I buy the Camaro. I'm coming back. You know, this is like pulp fiction. You come back and forth, and I do have the you know, the senility thing. So so I I'll make some hard rides and so I buy the Camaro, I get in the Camaro. I'm at that time I'm like two hundred pounds lighter than I am right now. I'm buff, you know, what I mean. I'm like eighteen, nineteen years of age. I'm in love. You know, alkie love. I'll talk about that in a second, and anybody about Alca loves, just in case you guys have ever experienced Alcu love. I know you all have. But in anything. So I get I'm in my t shirt, I'm buff, you know, I got I got some camel cigarettes rolled up on my sleeve. I've got sunglasses on. I looked like Tom Cruise one. You know, I'm I'm smoking a cigarette. You know, I'm in my brand new Camaro. I'm dripping down Alton road. I'm thinking to myself the entire world is looking at me. I'm okay, now I'm finally cam in this car. It's gorgeous. It's gorgeous. It's Saturday morning. There's nobody on the street. I thought every woman in China was looking at me. You know, I'm on top of the world. I get to the first light. Some guy pulls up next to me, to my right, in a brand new red cadillac convertible, some fifty year old old part you know, with a gorgeous playboy bunny sitting right next door. I looked at him. Who looks at me. I looked at him, he looks at me. I looked at the car and the blonde he looks at me. I say to myself, man, why can't I have a car like that? The feeling last at three blocks. The payments lasted thirty six months. Kept me coming back every year to get a new car DCOR. But if I get a scratch in the car and it's gonna cost me three in dollars to fix it, and I have to be to pay the three in dollars to fix the car, I gotta pay my rent. I'm fixing that car because that car is a reflection to me and I don't want anybody think I have a scratch on me. You know what that is? You know what that is? Alcoholism. That's that's the stuff that you that's what you're experiencing all the time now, and the choices you mean. So one day I'm in my so I'm in I'm in love with a woman, love with her, alkie love. You ever been a little alkie love? You're always thinking about her, you're always with her. Of course, I'm nineteen, twenty years old. It's like sex every day. It's like unbelievable. You know that kind of stuff. You're into the sex, you're into the woman. She's gorgeous, you love her, you're always thinking about her, you're always worried about her. You know you're jealous. You all that sort of got the possess of alki love for a whole year. She lives in New Jersey. She says to me one day around December, she says, you know, my parents haven't seen me in a year. They want me to come home for Christmas so they can see me for three days. I look at the woman I love and I a this is gonna find this hard to believe. I say this. Well, what about me? And she says, because apparently says something to do with selfishness. She says, my parents haven't seen me any yet. But what about me? What am I gonna do? And let me tell you something, I don't think I didn't know she had an old boyfriend at home and she's probably gonna end up screwing him. You know what I mean? I knew what was going on. I wasn't stupid, and we had a big fight and she left to be with her parents and I'm sitting there in my home and I'm thinking about her and I'm getting physically sick because she left me and I know what's going on. And but then I had an idea, a brainstorm, because we're brilliant, we are brilliant, and there was a credit card I hadn't maxed out and I'm gonna, I'M gonna buy a plane ticket up there and I'm gonna surprise her on Christmas because I'm in love. And I fly up there in our business, wanting to stop it. Rachel, Stop It. Don't act like you didn't do this. Ship I and I go up, I go up to it, I ring the doorbell, Nice, it's me, surprise,...

...to ruin your Christmas. And well, I thought it was a love the cops called. It's talking, but what do they know? You know what I mean. It says you know, you know what that is. That's alcoholism. That's making decisions based upon self. So one day I'm in I'm in my college class and I'm about to graduate and I see the gorgeous woman walk in with legs up to here, beautiful as man. All of a sudden, bring goes. If I only had that gall I be okay. I insinuate myself into her life. I was studying to become become a professor, to get my PhD in Al Grey topology. You know, I met her, I met her parents. You know I did with alcoholics, to young a folks who did everything I can to insinuate myself in their lives. You know, her mother was a lawyer, her father was a doctor, grandfather was a lawyer. I see their all professionals. All of a sudden I decide, you know, I always really wanted to be a doctor, a lawyer, so I applied to law school and I become a I become a lawyer. You know what, I end up marrying that girl. You know, somebody people ask me, why don't you become a lawyer when you guys says, oh no, well, but I always like Perry us and I always like and I became a lawyer to get into some gals pants. I'd be you think that's funny, Kirk Huh? I'm looking at you, I see a younger me. I became a lawyer again in some gals pants. You understand what I'm saying. You know I mean. You think alcoholics aren't capable of doing crap like that, changing their whole life around just to get something they want that they think if they have you'll be okay. So I married this Gal, I have a kid, I have a beautiful house, I'm in a state attorney I'm an assistant state attorney to be chief states attorney's office, and all of a sudden I'm I'm staying in the bars and I'm looking at it's a year down the road and all of a sudden it's like the used car, it's like the Youth Camara. And she's a nice wife, she's good look, she's a decent Gallo. She's at home with my baby. You know, I'm in the bar at three o'clock in the morning and I'm looking at the blonde bounettes of redheads and you know what I'm saying, if only I wasn't married. She's like, if only I wasn't married. You know, I'm proud of myself. I never physically cheated on my wife. I just stayed in the bottle two o'clock in the morning said if if ALO, if hollow. One Friday. She says to me, you you know, let me tell you something. You come home drunk more time. I'm leaving you. You come home drunk one more time, twelve words. I'm leaving you as clear as about. Wasn't starting to trying to stop up and she was like delivering the mail. I get in my car, I drive three blocks, I drive three blocks and I say this. What the hell did she mean by that? It's going from a PhD in Algebraic topology. I'm a lawyer, a practicing attorney, a division chief try and murder cases. She says you come home drunk and one time on leaving you, and I'm going, what the hell did she mean by that? I am perplexed. What? What? Unless an alcoholic accepts his alcoholism and all its consequences, his sobriety will be precarious and, if true happiness, will find no note at all. One of the consequences of being an alcohol is when you ever you hear something or read something or you're told something you don't like, it confuses you, which is why sometimes somebody will tell you something, it will be the absolute truth and you'll find out ten years later, after fifteen thousand flips, and you won't listen to them, or you'll read the big book and will be right there in the big book, but you won't see it. Because you don't like it and it confuses you and your brain, you're insane, brain will tell you it doesn't apply to you. So what ends up happening is the only people that actually make it in hear, really make it in here, is not people that use their brain, that people that follow other people and do what they're told and become disciplined. And the bottom line is alcohols do not like to be told things. They not become disciplined, and that's why I have that little line. If you want what we have and you only go to any length to get it, then you're ready to take certain steps. Because what happens? Nine percent I did in my life over and over again, repeatedly, you know, whether it be service or anything. I did it because the sponsor told me to do it and I love the sponsor and I wonder what you had, and so I ended up doing it and then I got another sponsor. I always people ask me, why do you say yourself? Why do you figure something forty one years? I say, you know, I want to say the steps, I want to say the meetings, I want to say the service, I want to say all that, but let me tell what the absolute truth is. The truth is, because I had these men surrounded by as incredible men in my life that I loved. I wanted to get close to my my a daddies, I wanted them to respect me. I wanted them, and you know, they're the ones that kept me here and Said said the nice little things they said to me, like when I said to my sponsor, my first sponsor, and he was in my office and I showed him my fifty diplomas and my degrees and I said, I said, Bob, who didn't even graduate the sixth grade, by the way. I said, Bob, these are my degrees, and he looked at me and said, well, you know, Russell, director, phrmometers have degrees and you know what they do with those. When I told my sponsor, I said, I said, I don't think I have to go to meetings on Thursdays. I figured that out. He said sure, as long as you never drank on Thursdays. I said, I mean or or. When he once said to me, what are you saying, he says Russe. So...

...you know something, you know as much about life as a dog knows about his father. And I sat there and I'm trying to think. I'm thinking maybe he's uh complimenting me. I'm I'm trying to put that together, because I was thirty three years old, I was a practicing lawyer, I graduated with all this stuff and all these degrees and in my entire life I had never heard anybody say anything like that to me or to anybody else. And he said, I'm saying unless, and I pictured in my brain this is true. I'm not. I'm not. I picked my mate like a doggy family, like a doggy father and a doggy mother and little Doggies, you know what I mean. And I and I and all of a sudden I got I got it. Like I said, what a dog doesn't know his father? You know what I mean. I think that's funny. This is my life, this is the tragedy that's in my life. I'm gonna give you two more stories than we're out of here. You know what I mean. So I'd like to give you even more stories, but you know, what do you do after forty one? When I walked in here I had no story. Right, no story. My story sounds like what you don't understand. I'm not in fault. I'm not to blame with the other guy's gold. You know. You know, you know, you guys alcoholics are very well defended. You can't get out, go up to him and tell them. You know they'll say you don't understand, I'm different. You know, you know, you know how we learn in alcoholics and, honest you ever, this ever happened to you? You know some guys, some gallon or some guys talking about and you say to yourself, you listen to him and you say this is what you say. You say, man, that guy is crazy, and then all of a sudden you hear a voice in your mind saying, shot, I was doing that last wins day. You know what I mean. You gotta flank them. You know what I mean. You gotta. You hear other people's story and then you start hearing stories about yourself. You gotta, you know, can you imagine? After forty, after forty one years, how many stories do you think I have? Every day there's another there's another story. But there's two stories that I want to tell you that I think is important. One of the reason I think it's important. It is is important to me and it seems every time I tell the stories, somehow some way, some guy comes up to me. He says, and they get repeat. He says, I'll never forget when you told that story. I got I got a ton of stories when people come and says you know something, you told that story and changed my life. And there's stupid little story. They're stupid stories. But I'm gonna tell you two stories that are linked up, actually close together. Then and this thing. I saw him with my first sponsor, John Um Joe Snyder, and I had some incredible sponsors. Joe. Oh No, I'm sorry, you're right. Those are Bob Sullivan. I was with Bob Sulloman and Bob used to we used to go on on twelve stuffballs, a lot of talk stuffballs, you know, picking up people and doing stuff like that. And we had a guy that he was sponsored. He was like in the litter with me. He was sponsoring me. He was sponsoring a guy named Bobby. Bobby, okay, Bob was sponsoring bobby and he was sponsoring me and bobby. I was an alcohol. Bobby had another problem. He was like an alcohol with another time. He had that thirty day thing. You ever made an alcohol with it? Sometimes it's a ninety day thing, where they're great for thirty days or nine days and then they drink again and they'll say things like I'm coming up on that time again, like it like it's sort of like they're cursed, like they can't help it. It's not their fault. They're they're good for thirty days and then they drink. They cannot. You see, you're an alcohol, but I'm an alcohol for that, like I gotta. I got that thirty day thing. And Bobby would be great for thirty days and then you go out and drink and uh so and so we used to go and pick him up at Bark, the Broward County thing. Bobby would dust them off. You understand what I'm saying. Get Him, you know, get him a place to stay, get him a job. He'd be okay for thirty days and then family's gone and then we're back up the bark picking up bobby. So this is like the third or fourth time we're picking up bobby. So now I'm a lawyer, I'm a Prett sharp guy, you know, I got whatever it is, six months, eight months, nine months, year, I'm taking me trip with them picking up bobby, you know, and I and I'm getting a little upset, and I'll tell you why. I'm upset because my sponsor only had about fifteen years and it was clear to me that bobby was full of crap and Bobby was never gonna get sober and Bobby was using my sponsor, using my sponsor and abusing my sponsor and my sponsor wasn't smart enough to understand it. And I was ticked off. I mean, I'm an attorney. I had notes, you know, I had three by five cards, I had photographs, I had video tapes, audio tapes and the whole thing. And as we're driving up, I said, you know you want to, you need to turn this thing around. I said what he said. Let me tell you something. We did this last month, we did the months before last. I mean, I hit him with all the facts and I was so right. I was. Let me tell you something. I was alki right. If you disagree with me, you've gotta die because you're so stupid, you know, and so I I mean I was him. He did this all...

...the time. He doesn't care about you, he doesn't care about me, he doesn't a Brabou anybody. All you guys about it. As himself, he's a bunch of crap. You gotta turn this thing around, leave him up there, let him rot, you know, and all that sort of stuff, because I was so right and you wanted something. I was you wanted something. I was right and everything I said was right and I was, you know, yelling and screaming and getting mad and you know, I had a lynch mob in my mind, you know, and I'm going crazy and you know how we are. We repeat ourselves, and not now. I'm getting myself, I'm I'm I've gotten like a lynch mob. I'm getting myself, I'm my own Lynch mob. I getting myself more excited. You know, the more I think about it, the more piste off I'm getting, you know. And and then finally I sort of stopped talking. I said I tuckered myself up, and Bob looks at me and says, Oh, thank you. I thought she was gonna pull me, you know, like I thought my time was up or something. I know. So Bob said, Bob said, Bob says to me, I started talking and he says this is what he says. He says, are you done? I said yeah, he says no, but but he could tell, you know, you could tell I'm still I'm still wrestling with I'm still I'm still chopping up bobby in my mind with a machete. You know what I mean, you know. And he says no, and he says are you done? I said yeah, he says no, are you done? Are you done? Are you done? I said Yeah, yeah, I'm done, I'm done. I mean, what's He gonna say? I was absolutely right. And this is what he says to me, and the next story will explain it even more. He looks at me. How could this guy's got like you didn't even graduate in sixth grade. I've gotta I've got a I've got a doctorate, you know what I mean. I see exactly what's going on and I'm telling the truth and he looks at me and this is what he says to me. He said US so. I said what he said, Russell? I said what? What? What he said? He said, Russell, this what it doesn't bother me the way it bothers you. It doesn't bother me the way it bothers you. I said, how can you not bother me everything? How can you not bother you? Everything bothers me. How did it not bother you that he's doing this ten years later? Sponsor all the people in the world doing all the stuff. We're doing everything. You know, you gotta Watch out when you say that. I used to say to my sponsor, I'm doing everything. He says, you're doing everything. You know. One time I said this sponsor Bob something, I'm doing everything everything. I say, I'm doing everything, and it's not working. He said, you're doing everything. He is well, you must be one of the earlies. I said what he says, you must be one of the railers. So the Raloris, he says, yeah, the rare this is one of the railors. She said, let they talk about it. Every meeting you go to it. I said, they don't talk about any means. So I got no, no, everything you go to they talk about it. Let's talk about the railways. I said, no, they don't talk about that. Every meeting you've gone to they talk about the rare ones, the ralies. So when he says don't they say rarely. Have we seen the person fail who was thoroughly callowed our path. He says yeah, he says, didn't you just tell me you're doing everything? I said Yeah, didn't you tell me it's not working? I said Yeah, I said, you're one of the rare ones. Hey, it's not gonna work for you. You gotta leave. I look at him like somebody killed my pet dog. You know what I mean. You're not believe, but don't tell me you have. You done your fourth step? Well, no, ten years later I got another sponsor. My my my Bob Selivan, died. My sponsors now Joe Snyder and my lovely wife, and unbelievable. I can't even explain to you. I mean, if you guys around the jury, you'd be on my side. Trust me, I'd sell this to you. I go up to Joe Snyder and I say I'm divorcing my wife. I mean I got three kids. Now I'm divorcing my wife. Visas you're divorcing any wife. Says I'm going. He says I didn't sign up for this ship, I didn't sign up for this crap, you know. And then I explained to him for twenty minutes exactly what she did and exactly what she said and exactly how she acted. Specifically, and I want to tell you something, I would talk to any jury in the world and explain to what they did. They'd say kick this Gal to the side. You know what I mean. You don't need to put up with this crap, and I can say you this. The guy in the bar would have definitely...

...agreed with me, you know. And so, after I explained to him everything he did and why I was going to divorce her, he said this to me. He said, so, why are you upset? I said what he says. Why you upset? I said, what do you mean? Why am I upset? This is why are you upset. I said, I've just spent twenty minutes telling you. I mean, I don't know about you, but I'm an alcohol if there's one thing I know. I mean not know much, but I know why I'm upset. I will tell the entire world why I'm upset. I'll tell my amy, I'll tell guys I don't even know. I'll stop on the street. Let me tell you what my wife did. I know exactly why I'm upset. He said why are you upset? And I told him. I said, I just told you. If I spent twenty minutes telling you exactly what she did. And he looks at me, he says, Russell, that's not. That's not why you're upset. I said, what do you mean? That's not. He says. That's not why you're upset. You mean everything. I told you what she did. That's not he says. That's not why you're upset. You mean why? When I told you, he says Russell, that's not why you're upset. But what about what he says Russell? That is not why you're upset. Well, that's not why you're upset. And then he shut up. Well, that's not why you're upset. Then we stopped talking and I looked him and I said that's not why, that's not why you're upset. H Well, you know why I'm upset? Oh, yeah, I know why you're set. Yeah, I know why you upset. You know why I'm upset? Oh, yeah, I know exactly why your uset. You know. Yeah, I know why you're SOT. I said what you what? You're gonna tell me? You're gonna tell me why? Amn't. He says, I don't know. Do you really want to know? I said? Well, of course I want to know. Why am I upset? He said this is what he says. that the needed exact words. He said. Listen, stupid, you're upset because you're upset herbole. What is this like, Zen a, you know what you don't want. You want to know something whether you know it or not. And I realized that now after looking back, because you look at things, that that's the exact same thing that Bob Sullivan said to me ten years prior to that. That's how far I had progressed with all the stuff I did with this disease. You remember what he said ten years prior I'm sitting in his car, I'm screaming and yelling about Bobby sterns and how bobby's using US and I'm yelling and scream man, and I was absolutely right about what bobby was doing. I was absolutely right about everything I said. Everything I said was factually correct. And remember what he said to me. He said it doesn't bother me the way it bothers you. I'm not upset able. It doesn't upset me. The things that have said. You don't upset me. Ten years later, Joe Snyders telling me the same thing. That's why we have that spiritual accent. And whenever you're a certain matter, what the cause is, something wrong with you, you may think I said something to Piss you off. You may think you have every right to be upset about me. Let me tell you something. You've got a problem. You have a problem. You need to find out what that is, because that's messing you up on the outside world, all over the place, whatever it is, being upset able. So what happens? You worked this thing well one of the time. I'M NOT gonna go into any more of this. The next if I start of another reff it will be an hour and a half. The bottom line is, I will tell you this. I will say I will leave you with one thing. When I was ten years sober, and this is has nothing to do with anything you guys have to do. I'm just telling you. This is what I did because I always like to share this, because we're supposed to tell our experience, strength and hope, right, so this is my experience. Okay, when I was taying you're sober, and this has to do with the God thing, and I was doing everything, and I was doing everything in a and I went up to somebody and I said, I don't know, I'm not feeling well because I was like doing time in a a. You know, they reached the point a where you'll get through it. Uh, what's called? I called him a visible ceiling of last ceiling where you're doing everything. You're going to every meetings and the meetings, but now you've got ten or fifteen years you one of something. You're not learning anything in the meetings. You're not hearing anything. You're not hearing anything that's helping you at the meetings. You know why? Because they're all drunk a lots and you don't need a drunk a lot, you need a faith a lot. You need you don't need a drunk a lot, you need a faith a lot. You know because you're not drinking and you're...

...absolutely have taken the first step and you know your palace over and you know you gotta put the plug in the jug and you know what, you don't drink one day. Yeah, you're into all that stuff, but you need somebody to tell you why, when you're doing all these things, you're still crazy. And nobody's talking about that in a A. and nobody's gonna talk about that in a because to talk about in a they're gonna have to talk about what Bill Wilson was talking about, you know, unhealthy dependencies. And to talk about unhealthy dependencies they're gonna have to talk about how you don't focus on the world. In order to talk about how you don't focus on the world. You'RE gonna have to talk about having abiding conviction and God and focusing on God, and then you won't have to focus on the world and the worldly things won't bother you. You know, the worldly clamors that are mostly going to yourself, so you don't hear that message. So some guy who wasn't in a said, you know, you ought to go to Bible study and I said no, no, you don't understand. I'm a Jewish kift in New York. I Don'Na go to Bible study, but besides, I'm an A. I think that's I don't think that's allowed. I don't think that's allowed. The books who finds absolutely essential, were first sprinting the third teams. I don't think that's allowed. Because everybody in a told me that religion is bad, God is bad, the Bible is bad, all that stuff is bad, you know, and all I have to do is just not drink and go to meetings and do all that sort of stuff. So I started going to Bible study. I start with forty men that were twenty years older than me who had been studying and doing the same stuff that we're doing. The only difference is all they wanted to talk about was God. Everything was God, every focus was it was unlike a just like he doesn't want to talk about God. All these guys wanted to talk about it was God. And I sat next to a guy who had fifty years sobriety and it was a pastor. His name was John Glenn. Is He an astronaut? No, he used to call himself future astronaut. We'd go out to have dinner. We go out to have dinner and I'd be at a Denny's and I go to Sart. He says, what are you doing, Russ? I said I'm about Dat. He says he can't, he gotta give thanks to the Lord. And he'd sit there and I'd sit there while he's praying. When of these long Baptist printers and I'm looking around to see who's looking at me, because I'm worried, you know, not gonna give a ship what other people think about me, you know, but I'm looking around. And then after we've done he was turned to me and say, Russ, now the food, now the food. Listen, I'm like forty something years old. I'm practicing attorney and he's looking at me. Says now, Russell, the food will taste better because it's got the special ingredient. Let me tell you something. The man and woman you're gonna be in five years will depend on the people you hang out in. The books you read and the books you read will depend up the people you hang out with. And I hung around with this man for fifteen, sixteen, twenty years until he died recently. Now I have a new sponsor. You don't hang around with men like that. You don't hang around with men like that who introduce you to other men like that. You understanding a well loved clergyman. That's the people who Bill Wilson was second round, Sam Shoemaker and Dalin. And you're gonna hang around with men like that and come away with a flippant idea about God. You understand what I'm saying. You know I had to I had to leave. And let me tell you something. I was going to as many a meetings. I was going to three a means a day. I was doing all the a stuff. You want to us something, but you know, some my head escaped the bucket of Grans. I to leave. I had to leave. The spiritual kindergarten, you know what I mean. I had to get I had to I had to do what they say in the sixth step, the repeatedly try to grow in the image and likeness my creator and find out who my creator is. You know, I couldn't keep him fluffy or you know, because if I kept them breath they then I would be making up who my creator is and he would tell me to do all sorts of crazy stuff. I didn't know who I was following, what it was. I followed my sponsor, Joe, I followed I followed Bob Sullivan for seven years. I followed, uh, what's Um, Joe Snyder for seven, ten years. I followed John Glenn for fifteen years. Now I'm seventy years seventy three years old. I have a sponsor I love, but you wanted something. We're really good friends because we believe in the same God, and so now I have to follow somebody else. I gotta fill I gotta really follow somebody else and I gotta say something. Good news to me is I know exactly what I'm following. It's not fuzzy with them. You understand, it's not a fuzzy thing. With me. I can't afford to have a fuzzy God. You know what I mean. I just can't do it. You can do whatever you want to do, but one day, when you've got ten or fifteen years, you've got twenty years, and it's three o'clock of the morning, you're lonely or you feel separated or you feel like things aren't working out for you. Maybe you'll maybe you'll remember this talk. Maybe you'll remember, and you're trying to figure out what's going on because you're sponsoring the whole world and you're doing everything in alcoholics and honest and you find out you really have no relationship with job zero. That's some sort of make belief. Then you're just telling yourself stuff. You know and you're not convinced and you have doubts. You know, you might think back on this thing and think I wasn't so crazy. So thank you very much. That's what I have to say. U.

In-Stream Audio Search

NEW

Search across all episodes within this podcast

Episodes (142)