AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 111 · 4 months ago

Russell S. at Matt Talbot Retreat - Massachusetts 4/2/2022

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. at the Matt Talbot Retreat in Massachusetts April 2, 2022

Hey, my name is Russell spats. I'm an alcoholic N and I have found necessary drink too, since January twenty five nineteen eighty one. And I have actually two dates that are important to me. January twenty five nineteen eighty one, which is my sobriety day, physical Sobriety Day, and December twenty five, Christmas morning, really at three o'clock winning when I gave my life to Jesus. So when I talked about that in a meetings, by the way, I'm now I don't apologize for my faith in Jesus. All men of faith have courage that trust their God. They would have demonstrating the lives that you can do. I'm a Jewish kid from New York who gave his life to Jesus Christ, and then I ultimately started studying the Bible, which I've studied for last thirty five years, and I joined the Presbyterian Church and became a deacon in that church, started ministry called the live again and so you got a Jewish kid who's Deacon in the Presbyterian Church, who gave his life to Jesus and in a Matt Talbot Retreat. I'm also on a maus brother. So I got that Catholic thing all over me, Roman Catholic. And but here's the deal, here's the good part. We're all one in Christ. There is no Jew, there is no gentile, no black or white, no male and female. We're all one in in Christ. So I look at everything, I look the I'm gonna get into this little bit later on. That's not necessarily what I'm going to talk right now, but I can't, you know, I can't help. I don't know how you guys are where you are with this deal, but you know what? You have Christ in your life, and that thing, you know, it starts as a mustard seed and then it grows and once you start seeing the big book and everything in this world through the lenses of Jesus, everything changes. The big book goes from Black and lights to technicolors. So I can't see anything. If they after forty one years of sobriety and my forty tewon year, it's impossible for me to see the world of what's going on except through the lot of the eyes of scripture. That's the only through the word, and so it colors everything in my life, which is a good thing, because I've I've experienced many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many gifts as a result of giving my life to Jesus Christ. And no matter what you think I'm going to be talking about, I promise you that's what I'm going to be talking about to them and be talking about what if you hear me talking, I'm be talking about Jesus. So if you hear anything good out of my mouth, or idea that you're attracted to or anything that you know maybe, maybe, seeks into your mind and your heart, it's it's not me talking, is from the Holy Spirit, from Jesus Christ. And if you hear anything screwed up, blame me. I don't prepare. Let me tell you some I don't care anything. I don't prepare anything for any of this stuff, because I start preparing, I'll start worried about what I'm going to say and I have a loose idea what I'm going to talk about. A man, some scripture I might want to read or something, but I don't prepare cris I trust Jesus. Let me tell you a funny thing about this, then, I'm not against preparation. I'm a Lorriy by trade. I've been a wor. For many years I was a division chief of the states attorney's off as prosecuting where I prosecuted like twenty murder case before I was before I was I don't even know, twenty eight years old, and as a major crimes prosecutus. I'm not scared to get up and talk and prayer and everything like that, but when it comes to this stuff, I just say, you know, I just say before everything, I'll say it right now. You know, I say, let the words of my heart and meditations of my mind, you know, be pleasing to you, my Lord, my God, My rock and my redeemer, and that's it. I just let it rip, you know, and that's the deal and and the great thing about and I'm a great believer and you know, my one of my sponsors, used to say, you know, all you need for good a met is a is to be sincere and once you learn how to fake that, you got it made. So I'm just going to talk about what's on my heart and and you know before, it's all about testimony. It's all about testimony. I have something I'm going to read to you just you know, one of the problems when you when you love the Lord. Read the Bible, you read the word, you read Aa, which I'm also very much in love with, and and and I'm not going to go through the history of A. Hopefully you guys know about it. Everything came out of the scripture. You know, Bill wasn't didn't invent this thing. You know the first group said. The first a groups came out of the Oxford Group and the Oxford Movement, which was all First Century Christianity. The books they found absolutely said a first corinthians thirteen, summon the mount of of the James. And I'm not going to go through the whole thing. Anybody who who studies the Bible or knows the word of God can see it all in fuse and the big book of Alcoholics Anonymos. It's all there. I don't need to quote scripture, although I do in meetings, when I speak at a conventions or stuffing, I don't need to do it because it's all in there. And alcoholics an on this number three, but wasn't, says. The Lord has been so wonderful to me curing me of this tumbles. These I got to keep talking about and telling other people everything you need to hear about in the scripture is in alcoholics anonymous. Of course. If you never read scripture, if you don't know the Holy...

Bible, you'll think this is something like Bib Wilson invented. You know what I'm talking about, but it's not that at all. You know, the point is, it all comes out of scripture anyway. But I have a few things I want to talk about. I have a certain theme and I'm debated upon whether I'll tell you guys what the thing is. I almost like it, you know, I almost like to you know I got. I almost like to sort of say what I'm going to say and let you guys figure it out. You know, I know if there's sixty people in sixty men in this room, there's sixty different meetings, depend upon where you're at, and it's all about testimony. I like what I really like. I mean, you know, I'm an alcoholic, so I've got opinions. After you know, and my forty second years, I got opinions about everything, but it's really about and I try not to voice my opinions on people. You know. That's alive, by the way, and I might as well say right now. Of course I think my opinions are right, but it's all based on my experience. And but the truth of the matter is, I believe to have a good aim and you really have to investigated about yourself. You got to put yourself on the one which means you got to tell you testimony, which means you have to talk about yourself and my testimony. Everything in my life, everything in my life, has to do with alcoholism, sin, repentance, he says, the freedom of Bondage from sin through Jesus Christ and through prayer. The what would doctor young talks about the the change that the sight of change that you go through. Were ideas, emotions and attitudes which were they with? The ideas, emotion attitudes, which basically is your he's, your personality, are pushed to one side and you become dominant about who new set of ideas, emotions and attitudes, which is through the Holy Spirit of God, okay, becoming reborn and all that sort of stuff. It's all the big book. Everything I say in this deal is going to have to do with with that stuff. And all what I like to talk about mostly is emotional sobriety, because you know, I know I had a I a serious drinking proble which is it even the problem if you're an alcohol because that's just the sent that's just the symptom. It's a hell of a symptim. It's what got me in here. But let me tell something. Did the thousand a means nobody's got a drinking problem. If they got a drinking problem, you know, something going to figure out how to solve that. You know, I may. I've spoke that the Zillions of people's spotsor gasines and guys, did my best talks on them, you know, and some of them get sober and I start thinking that maybe there's something what I said. It's me, you know. And then I got the same thousand people saying that guy's falling rapt and he leads until the boos sort of pounds it out of them. And I became entirely ready, by drinking, to have God remove the drinking on me. That's what basically happened. You know, it's you and I don't Robin alcoholiclas desperation. Every alcoholic has. That was less drinking. I absolutely believe that it's not that. It's not that. It's not a point. We do what we do because we have to leave the nine go after the one and we got to do the deal. You understand the saying, but I don't have the power to get anybody sober. I used to think I had the power. When you think you have to have getting that body's Ober, you can't do talks like this because then you worry about what we're going to think about me. Is it going to work? If you drank, it's my fault, you know, I got to like convince your something. But that's not what the twelve set says. It says we try to carry the message. So this is probably going to be the worst meeting that's every be done in the history of Aa or Matt Talbot, but it's going to be the best one I can do this morning and every story I you know, when I came today I didn't have a testimony. You know, one of the things I was going to read you today was I got a couple things I read you. I'm not going to do this reading stuff and everything, but I like to read scripture and you know the problem with scripture is as I'm in love with scripture. I'm in love with the big book. The problem is not that I don't have anything to read to you or I don't know what I want to say. The problems. I can't stop. I'm a serial killer, you know. I start reading one scripture, I got to read another scripture and they see, you know, I spent the whole hour reading the Bible to you. You know what I mean, my favorite parts of the Bible, which is everything. You know, this one least to the other the other. But but I have a certain theme that I want to talk about. The thing has nothing to do with drinking. It has tangentially something to with drinking, because we know that basically everybody comes to a stop drinking. I mean that's a generalization, it's probably not true, but everybody comes Ay they I've stop drinking for a month, you know, two months, a year, ten years, fifteen years. Some people say sober permanently the rest of their life. Some people s drink after thirty years. So the point is everybody stops drinking, but not everybody gets rocket in the fourth dimension of existence. Not Everybody experience as much of heaven, not everybody knows the new freedom, not everybody stops gossiping, not everybody stops coming, not everybody starts stops feeling sorry for themselves for years and just not every not everybody gets that escape velocity, need to escape the bondage of this disease is sin. Not Everybody gets that deal. That deals, a special deal which happens somewhere around the sixth and seventh step, where we come entirely ready to have God remove all this stuff that keeps us anything, where our entire motivation is no longer not drinking, it's they get closer to him. And it's all about testimony, you know, given the you know everything in my life, everything is I can do to I can talk about anything that happens to me. is about the...

...disease of alcoholism. It's about sin, it's about repentance, it's about victory over sin through Jesus Christ. Everything you know. I don't need to sort of remember some sort of thing that happened twenty years ago. I spent twenty hours in an airport get trying to get on a plane to get over here, and I got here at four o'clock in the morning. I got two and a half hours sleep. You know what I mean, and I and literally this is true and I'll probably do it. You'll say, what's that stuff? You know, I could spend the next four sessions we have talking only about what happened in the last four hours and would be all about you. You get everything you need to know about a sinner, you know, an alcoholic, alcoholic thinking victory over alcoholism, victory over over, over sin, through Jesus Christ. That you my faith and what it's done for me, and you get all that just over the testimony of what happened when I arrived at the airport. Until I got here. I wouldn't have to talk about what happened I was thirteen, or my mommy drop me on my head or anything that I just talked about last way four hours. And that's that be enough deathmony. You know I'd know what I came here. I didn't have any testimony. I had, sadly, like it's not my fault, you know, it's your fault. Somebody else is to blame. You know, don't blame me. I can't believe this happening to me and all that. I had no idea. You know how alcoholics are so well defended. You know you can't tell him anything. You know we're always ready. You know, you know, you don't understand. I mean, yes, butter and, if only here and you don't understand, and I can see how you think I have a drinking problem. I don't really have a drinking problem, drink, I drink because I have problems and it's not fut I drink. I drink, I think. Think the exact I drink. My drinking is the exact amount drinking. I need to get over my problems and pretty soon my problem is going to go away. So thank you very much for you know, explain that to me. To want you go to hell and leave me alone. And and that's the way I approach you know. That's that's the deal with my drinking problems. That's how I'll talk to you. You your mother. So, yeah, it's not me for free, you know. And and but the bottom line is is drinking. And let me just it's important to stop drinking, because without the stop and drinking, you ain't getting any of this stuff. But there is a point where the men are separated from the boys and the women are separated from the few. I'm not going to talk about women, excepting possible center. Promise you that with that deal with the opposite sex and that kind of thing. But but you know, the bottom line is is that there comes a point where the men in here are separated from the boys and from what I see, and this is really loose stuff in my own mind. You know, Ninety nine percent, ninety five percent, of the people in alcoholics anonymous experiencing a join the not drinking club and maybe five percent are rocking in the fourth dimension of existence. You know, that's the deal. It's a different type of deal, it's a different it's a different there's two different doors. There's a there's one door that's an AA, that says not drinking. There's a million people in front of that door, important door, as another door says rocking in the fourth dimension of existence and experience much of heaven. Let me suggest some to you. When they talks about rocking in the fourth dimension of existence and experiencing much of heaven and knowing the new freedom and the new happiness, when they talk about that, when they talk about sincerely giving your life to God, because in order we must get rid of selfishness, we must or kills us. God makes that possible. So we sincerely give ourselves to God. We utterly abandon ourselves to God and he gives us everything we need. We stay close to them and perform are his work. Well, when they talk about that stuff, that's not stopping drink, that they're not talking about stopping drinking, you understand that this is a difference between not drinking and being rocking in the fourth dimension, because they're talking about a whole different deal, whole different set of guests. I'm going to read a couple of things before every one of these sessions and maybe you'll get a hint. I might even give it away somewhere in my in the talks, as to what I want to talk about, what my home whole theme is. But let me see whether I have to excuse my I had covid twice since I don't have it now, so I don't worry that. No, I don't think. But I have this long I have this thing that and I used to see pack machine of some old and fat and Lazy, and I don't know how many guys have that dealing. So I caught every once a while. But I want to you know, they used to say that Jesus and scripture. They'd say, why are you talking why do you talk in parables? I said it's a trust me, it's a lot of you guys know the word. You know better than I do. They said, why are you talking, apparentl you always told these people parables. Would you like stories? You know, and I want to sort of break this down, so don't blame me if I do damage the scripture. You know I mean I'll have to answer to Jesus for that, you know, but well, yeah, as not. I'm going to read a string from scripture. This is what he says. It says,...

...whoever has ears, let them hear. This is Jesus talking. Whoever has ears, let them hear. The disciples came to him an ASS, so the disciples said. You know, he's sponsored twelve, one one slip. He's sponsored to well, sponsored sponsored twelve. What do you want? What do you think it was doing? Step meetings all over town. You know, he didn't go to the Wise Inn. He went to the drunks, he said. He they always says he eats with scents and drinks with them too. He hangs out with the ALKIES. You know, that's ask. He's sponsored. You guys don't. Didn't came for the sick. Can't form the alcoholics. The disciples came Tom and asked why do you speak to the People in parables? Why it's just preached them. Why do you tell these stories? He replied this is Jesus, because the knowledge of the secrets of the Kingdom of Heaven has been given to you, but not to them. Whoever has will to be given more. They will have an abundance. Whoever does not have it, whoever wants this thing thirst with this thing. You know, like bill wasn't said, if you want got enough, he's going to show up. Will be given more and they will have abundance. I mean, I'll tell them a story and the people who want more will get they'll grabb the nuggets out of that story. It'll blow up in their heart. You know what I mean. It's a never ending fault that whoever doesn't won't get anything. It's all when the stories we will give them have abundance. Whoever does not have, even what they have will be taken away from them. This is why I speak to them parables. Those seeing, they do not see, though here the through hearing, though, hearing they do not hear, understand in them is fulfill the prophecy of Isaiah. You will be ever hearing but never understand, will be ever seen but never perceiving. I sort of boiled that down, although it's not exact translation, as I speak to him in stories. I tell them stories. Is they're not that bright. They way. If I preach them, they wouldn't. I tell them a story. You know, if they want the Lord, you know the Holy Spirit will let them see exactly what's going on. They don't want the Lord and with it and nothing going to happen without the Holy Spirit. Ain't going to happen unless they want it, you know. So there are some people in here that you know. You guys are a different sort of story, because I'm Att Talbot a Truth Retreat. Usually people stay. Who Show up to these have already made the decision for Jesus or made a decision that they want more, they want to find out worry about it. They like a typical a mean, although whenever I go to a mean I assume there's some of you guys there. I give everybody to benefit of the doubt. So here's the first scripture I'm going to read, and I'll give you this hint. Every scripture I read and anything I read out of the big book or any material is about the exact same thing. It's all about the same thing. Okay, so and we'll figure that out the end of the scene. Do Not love the world. This is from first John Two hundred and fifty. I'm not going to tell about the drinking because you don't have a drinking problem. You really don't. Your problem is got your problem is you have a rocket in the fourth dimension problem. You got some problems going off. They have nothing to a drinking you know, it's a matter when you go to the meet, when you're not feeling good, when you're depressed, when you're sad, when you're angry, when you're mad, when you're telling you a sponsor. It's not about drinking, it's selling on now. If you don't figure out what this other problem is and how to escape it, you may be drinking. You may be one of these guys who I was thirty years and you end up d you know a lot of people say don't talk about God, you'll scare about the new you'll stay scared with the newcomer. Let me tell you something. Spooksweek about God all the time to newcomers. You want US something, the ones who water just excited about it. They just come all over. They want to know, they want it. You know, and I say the guys this, I say, what about the guy with the fifteen years who's in the room, who's going to drink in a year? What about the guy who has thirty years, who's in the room? He's got thirty years sobriety. He doesn't tell you what's going on his life because he does not even sure what's going on his life because he's been lulled and thinking that he's got thirty years, so he's going to be okay. And then you hear he's drinking again, right or how have this suicide? What about the guy who has, you know, six months, two years, five years, ten years, it is going to drinking. What about that guy? What about the guy that's going to drink again because he's physically sober, but emotionally if he's not sober, you guys no emotional sobriety. Bill Wilson May, at Twenty Three Years Sobriety, twenty three years sobriety, wrote an essay because he was going back into depression and he couldn't understand as the founder of a. The guy with the longest sobriety couldn't understand why he could not get rid of the depression. Are you write an essay, some of you guys? Don't worry, it is. I mean, I have it here. I could read it. See. I'm not going to do that, but in the SA said I finally figured out the answer and the answer had something to do with Lordship, which I may or may not explain to you later on, as some of do. You guys who are into the Bible and stand the concept of Lordship, you...

...go out to give me a little example, on the seventh and when you in the twelve and twelve, Chapter Seven, the seventh step and in the sixth step, they talked about the concept that believing a god, yet your faith is barren. I'm not sure about atheists or agnostics. I'll talk about people that say I believe in God, but their faith is barren. What do you think it's like, that barren faith? You know, it says in the big book if you want to be rock in the fourth dimension of existence, experience much of Heaven, he said. The great fact is this said nothing less. Now I'm a lawyer boy traits on the words, man, you know what I mean. Now you can use words to escape with the True Menia is a lot of alcoholics do that, my wife once said to me. And I'm graduated the department the lines of mathematics. I was going for my PhD in Algebraic topology. You know any National Science Foundation Fellow, graduated law school, the whole bit. I was a law professor. I mean I was the smartest guy in the room. In my own opinion, I knew everything. Of course, that's all. I knew, just everything, and is missing a few things. US to know how to keep relationship together. Then know how to stop busting after women. They know how to stop feeling sorry for myself. Didn't know how to stop spending money. I don't have to buy stuff. I don't need to impress people I don't even like. I didn't know how. I didn't know. I don't know. I didn't now. I didn't know how to stop worrying. I don't know how to stop living my whole life worried about what you thought about me, even though I could constantly tell you and tell everybody else I don't give a crap what other people think about me. My whole life is I don't give a crap what they think about me. Anybody knows, ultimately, when you get some brains in Y head, that people that are constantly telling themselves or other people they don't care what other people think about them. All they do is care about what other people think about him, because people that really don't care what you think about him don't say I don't care what they think about it. They say things like past to catch up, but they don't say that stuff, you know what I mean. So I'm like, I don't even know what's going on inside of me. How can I give a testimoney, when I don't even know who I am or what I am? And I'm defended? So you can't even tell me what's going on. You know how alcoholics learn about themselves. You can't come at them frontally, you know, unless you're they're sponsoring you hit him overhead of the baseball bad and tell him the shut up or something. But if you're just the right they're not going to listen to you. Other saying hey, take your own inventory. You know, they have to go to an amy, they got to go to a meeting like this. They here's some guy talk and the back of Onne, they say, because really good judges of people and we're giving this God given instinct to the judge people. I used to sit in the bar. That's all I did. Some guy the back of the bar would walk it with a Goodlook of Wand I told my friends, I say, look at that shure. I knew right away he was an idiot. I didn't like. You know all about it. Yes, you know, that's so. What you we sit in any room when we list some guy talk about his life and we say man, that guy is screwed up, and then all of a sudden other voice comes in the back of a heaven and says, man, you were doing that last Friday. That's how we learn about ourselves, you know. Yeah, they got big, get the barrier down. You know, two stories of other people. That's why it says. What does it say? Our stories was slow, sid and Jom like the greatest gift you'll ever be given as your story. Even better than the gift of giving your story is knowing that you actually have a story and what the story is. You know, I'm going through these twenty hours of getting over here. I only acted alcoholically three minutes out of the twenty alum. I'm stole an alcoholic. I don't feel bad that I alcohol acted. I'll call Lee for three minutes at least. I didn't do a will Smith. You know what I mean, and I'm telling you I'm praying for will because I know it's like, you know, I screw up, it's in front of like three people who forget about although I think they're thinking about me all the time. Not Will Smith goes does it in front of a billion people. He says they're talking, he sits down, he knows he's screwed up, his mind is going crazy and they really aren't thinking talking about it. And it's not a video. You know, but you know, but I know he was approached by a couple of guys who are Christians, and that's that. That shame. That's shame. That's shame of knowing that you're screwed up in front of people in your life is over, no matter how much money you have. Is the shame that brings you to repentance and salvation, isn't it? That's the shame that brings you to repentance and salvation. Without the shame, there's no repentance without, you know, the repeated. The Way we get the new perspective is bar repeated humiliations and the final crushing of the selfsufficiency. The only reason people come to ay and really give their lives to Jesus because of the shame, being ashamed of who they are and what they have and what they had become. That's what happened to me when I was thirty one years old. Finally left my wife because I couldn't keep my penis in my pants and because I was lusting after other women and all that other stuff. And let the wife and a kid and tell myself, you know, we got married to young and all the wise, you tell yourself. And finally, a thirty one, I'm all alone in my house and three o'clock in the morning, I Christmas Day and couldn't stop drinking and I...

...turned on the TV sets. Some televangelist is there talking about Jesus and changing your life and and I became ashamed. I became convicted. We talked about shame. I was ashamed of what I had become. I wasn't feeling it was that was like feeling sorry for myself, you know. I was feeling sorry for what I had become. And I got down on my knees and I followed. He told me, I give my life to Jesus Christ, and then I got up and I continue to drink for thirty days and then I have the last drink three days after that. You know. So I'm all in favor of shame. You know I mean? I remember telling my pastor once that he was said we were talking about me, and I told a little about my testimony, who I was and what I was. But because I'm in here, I know I spent the first the first ten years in alcoholics anonymous is, I think, finding out exactly how crazy you are, how insane you are. You know what they say? You're going to be restored the sanity. They're not saying you're good and you're going to get good Er. You're saying and you're going to be a singer. They're saying you are crazy and you don't even know how crazy. Your full of delusion and you see, get to see how crazy you are and you don't get to see how crazy you are all at once because you'd be sucking on the muzzle of a gun. The bottom line is, you get you get to see how crazy you are. Moment by moment, day by day, with the vagaries of life and how you react and do stupid things and are constantly hitting the first step, the first step, the first step on every single defect of your character for ten, fifteen, twenty years until you're fine tune and you're beating down your sand paper down to where the Lord wants you to be so you can get to the point of the sixth step where not only you're entirely ready to have God move all these defects of character, but what's the sixth step? Those are people, the people doing the step sets, are entirely ready to grow in the image and likeness of their creator, become like Jesus. Never going to be with Jesus until we're glorified, you know, become like Jesus. Being a will see that stuff. It's constantly first step, first step, first step all over. So so what happens is Bill Wilson wrote this article. He said the real problem with alcoholics is on unhealthy dependencies, unhealthy dependencies. I don't even like the word codependent. You know we talk about codependent. I don't even like that word. It's you femistic, it's some sort of scientific scene said. Yet it's not codependency, it's dependencies. It's idolatry. It's idolatry, it's putting other people are the places, other things in the place of God. I mean, I call spade a spade. That's what it is. So here's the first scripture and to read and then I'm going to talk about some other things. Do not love the world or anything in the world. You're not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the father is not in him. Well, that's in adictment. Huh. What do you think about? Think about your car, your truck, your money, your job, your wife? What are you thinking about? Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the father's not in him. For All that is in the world, all that is in the world, God is everything or he is nothing. You're suppot to make a choice. There is no middle the old solution, there's no middle the world solution. Half measures of ailus nothing. The man has doubts about that, can't expect to receive anything from God. That's James. They almost called us the James Club and they now of God is everything. They as stock to Bob. You know who was it was. Forgot the name of the God. When the first guys that came in. Dr Bob. He says, he says, do you will even God? have to do with? Bob Says Everything. If you're an atheist agnostic, have some sort of intellectual pride which keeps us, keeps you for understandable. We're trying to tell you here. I feel sorry for you. You havenly following. Then'll let you down. Intellectual Pride, what's that? I know what intellectual pride is. Now. Intellectual Pride is you thinking that you're smart? You Thinking? Here's what intellectual pride is, when you're not doing something because you don't think you need to do it. Where you decide what you're going to do in AA, and the way you decide is you decide whether you think you should do it. So you talked about all the things you're doing in a, all the guys you're sponsoring, but you're not talking about why you're not going to church. You don't talk about the extra credit stuff because you say you work there. Problem you know, you know I know. You know this, an AA. You know what they say. We encouraged. You know an a and the big book. That says we encourage church membership. Did you know it says that? It says that says we encourage church and membership. We lose prejudice about against anything that has to do with church, and that's up. We adopt what these guys say. That a work. We encourage church membership. It's not obligatory. The part that says when not obligatory, that's where people that aren't going to make it anyway.

That really is it says most of US belong to such a not on me has something. If you go in a a and everybody in a a that you know of all the all the got, the Bill Wilson, Dr Bob, all the founders, most of them say we encourage you do this, and you said, well, I appreciate we encourage you do this. All the founders say you do this, you get rocking the forth to my Schuessies, but I don't think it's for me. What does that tell me about you? Tells me you other intellectual produm. You think you're smarter than them when you ultimately realize that the reason you're where you're at is cousin. Do it. Instead of doing what you're instructed to do, you know, or what they're trying to get you to do, you're doing what you think you should do. You're following your own advice. So who is your higher power? You're part of the next do the next right thing. That club right when it's the things that are keeping you from where you have to be. Are Not the things that you're doing, is the things you're not doing. So many things you're not doing. Utterly Abandon Yourself. And I'll tell you something. A is not wells be. I Love A, but it's not well people's anonymous. It's millions of people trying to do as little as possible, to not drink and be happy, and that ain't going to get your rocket. It's a whole program that says, see to what your relationship with him is. riting. Great events will come to pass. Me Own coupless others. It's a whole program that says, but we will know you. It doesn't matter, because you really wize us to be on God. He will show you how to create the fellows you pray. God is everything or he is nothing. You know. I mean we're on a new base of trust. Were like, we never apologize with God. It's a whole program about God, God, God, God, it says. If you, if you want to be rocking forth dimension, the great facts is this, and nothing less, which means nothing less than this. Make God the center piece of your life and become convinced that he lives in your heart and mind, which deed miraculous deal for you. Would can do for yourself, and you'll have five people. You say anything about God, come up. You say, we don't talk about that stuff in here. You Got Mions of people in a scared to talk about God because they think that it's not right and it's bad, and don't talk about church because it'll kill you and everything like that, and you'll hurt the newcomer. And if you tell about God, you're telling newcomers and all sort of stuff. When, between nine thirty five, one thousand nine hundred and thirty nine, you can go to meanless. You got down on your niece and asked the Lord come to your life. And now you got an organization that realally preaches atheism, you know, because they have intellectual pride. So what happens. You basically have spiritual atheists. Spiritual Atheist, I hear it all the time. I'm spiritual, not religious. Really, your spiritual? I'll tell you. I don't know about you, but all I do is I see a pretty woman, I want to look at her. I mean, I'm a material man. That's my problem. I'm a materially minded man. When I'm talking about any problem my life, trust me, it comes down to the woman, the sex, the money, the car. It never comes down to God. It comes down to the stuff, the things, the Fudge is Bill Wilson calls it. It's all about but yeah, I'm not a spirit I'm not spiritual at all. I'm a material man in a material world tempting me and you know, there's nothing, no problemly, that isn't come to every man out there, you know, and that's my problem. I'm in love with the things of this world. That's my problem with they're talking about in here. That's the problem with emotional sobriety, because I am so in bondage to the stuff they're I idos to me, and God is something even when I say believe it, he I keep him in the trunk of My car. Next Day's fair tire. So when I'm worried about money, I just grab them, I lift them out. Sometimes today means I'll take him out of the trunk. I'll bring me the A, meaning I'll say this right prayer. I'll see the Lord's prayer. Then it's off to make money. It's home to work, home to work, home to work. Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, to love the father is not in him. For All that is in the world, desires of the flesh, the desires of the eyes and the pride of life, is not from the father, but from the world. The world is passing away along with this desires. But whoever does the will of God remains forever. You know. Basically was what it's all about. Trust God and Clean House and do his work. First John's to fifteen through seventeen. So now I'm going to start to talk. That wasn't the Broma's talk to talk, so I do want to say yeah, I did. Now I read up on that Talban. I'm not Roman Catholic, you know. I'm a Christian, as you guys are, and I assume you guys are, and I love the Lord. I read of my and I understand about Matt Talbert and I know anything about everything about Matalis. I'm but he was a terrible, terrible drunk. Came from a family of drunks and my mother was a drunk. We had terrible drunk understand is he found Jesus, helped a lot about keys and people and now he's being canonized since that. I have that right. That general summary what he didn't well, I got that wrong.

Anybody why? He helped a lot of people, not necessarily, okay, hoped a lot of people. I do that. So I'm saying, let's what's stopping me from being Canada. I got Como with this guy and I'm sitting there and for three minutes I'm waiting twenty hours to get on this place and for three minutes I go outty. You know, I need my own in my mind. They go out here in my mind now, because one of things I realized was straying the tongue of pain. I realized if you don't do stupid stuff, you know, if you don't screw up, you don't have to make amends. I got so tired to making a man's I just said just don't do stupid stuff, you just do it. It so for three minutes I'm going I can't believe this, but I can't believe again, what's going on. I think I've raised my voice once and then I realized, look, you got no control over this. This says nothing with them. It's not their fault, they're having a bad time and everything like that. God's going to do whatever he's going to do with you. You know he's in charge and there's a reason for all this, and just do his work. Wound definitely has twenty minutes. I was fine and I said, you know, I want to know the suffering of Christ and the powers roundirection. I said, Hey, this goes into the I was working my working my way towards martyrdom. You know what I mean? You know I figured them on. Seeing you put any good word for me. Maybe I'll be cannonized to you. Never know, I'll just sobb. You know, there's a something that you know. That's what James said. Persevere through the suffering, through the trials and tribulations. Stare at gone and focus on him and do what he wants you to do. And the other than this, show grow and I believe in that stuff. So I'm thinking Jesus. I'm sitting there during the Tenth Hour. Thank you Jesus. Fifteen, thou thanking Jesus. Twenty, thank you Jesus. And there four o'clock morning, thanking Jesus. I'm up. I'm ready to give I'm ready to give a talk. I'm gonna give a four hour talk on twenty hours when you get on that plane. Now, Jesus Christ has helped me. I'm saying, wake these guy, wait these subber comes off. I'm here and I'm ready to get the damn talk. Wait about I want him up, I want him in there. We're going to talk about this stuff. Sheldon, who was supposed to be here, he calls me up as get on the plane. I only say this just to hurt his feelings. The SIS I can't make it. He went through the same thing during the fifteen tower. He punked out. Not, I mean so, I r you hold a couple guys. I want you to call me, says. He says I'm going to call him up and Tom you made it here after twenty hours. Any there? I just don't know. No, let me first embarrass him in front of the group because it'll make me feel better if I do it first, and then calm up and say you won't believe what Russell said in front of the group. I'm we're going to pound it. Let's pound the good. You know what I mean, don't you that? You know that SIS. Sure you're laughing. You don't know what it's like. That was my cheap form recor recreation, talking bad about other people behind their back, because when you feel crappy about yourself, that was enhing. I was always going to be enohing. Used to put something in my body turn me into an almost when you're nothing, then you don't feel you're worthy. You know you're not worthy deep down the side, no matter what you tell people. Somehow, some way, if I can talk bad about you behind your back and get somebody to agree with me, it makes me feel better. I'm like the everything. You ever realize that? When I can talk bad and spend the hour talking bad about you, it makes me feel superior. otherways for me to feel good about myself, I've got a assassinate your character. That's pretty well, don't you think? You know, when you look at it that way, I don't have to do that anymore and just talk good and think good about other people. You know that kind of thing and and I know Sheldon will appreciate that's why I'm saying it, because I know you don't know how to take it, because I know what he knows. I love them and I think a lot of it got you know what, I talk about my sponsors, that might meant ors these days, and you ask about them, ninety percent time I'm going to tell about the times they did that. I know they love me and they did nice things for me. You know I mean, I know they cared about me. But if you ask me, tell me about Reale Kief, I'm going to tell you about the times he punched me. I'm gonna I'm going to do'm to talk about the Times he told me I was full of crap or something like that, because those of the Times that stand out of my memory, because it's at those points where they were used to, where they used to hit me, that I changed. That's when I changed when they hit me. When Bob Sullivan said, this is alcoholics in front bunch were Russel is autoholics. Anonymous, we don't talk badly about other people in alcoholics. Anonymous. Let's you have something good to say about anybody once, just shut up. At that point, at that point when I when he did will Smith in front of me, in front of a bunch of guys, and it called me down and everything like that, and my mind exploded. I was going to kill him and his wife and kids and everything like that. And how dare you say that to me? And who does he think he's talking about? But I knew...

...he loved me and I was sober for three months and I knew what had something do with him and I and somehow, some way, I stopped talking badly in front of other people. That's what made me change. The shame, the hurt may be changed, it's not forgot. became a police force. I'd walk around say, Hey, we don't talk about they in front of you. You know what I mean. But that's what changed me. The pain, humiliation, the final question of the selfsufficiency. That's what did so I've got a story. Let me tell you a story. I can. I think I'll get through the story. It says something to do with something. It says something with Samma. I had every meeting. I'm going to tell you a story because I mean, I worked hard to get these stories. You know I'm talking about. It is not easy for me. You know, my first retreat man. This place brings back memories of my first retreat. My bad. I got this little bed with a crucifix saying over. That's my first retreat that the MIN can retreat house. So so when I was about five years sober, not on was five years maybe about seven years ober. Yeah, around seven years old. The kid comes into my office. I was practicing attorney in day can and he with his mother and father. It was made about twenty five, twenty six years old, the young kid and comes in with his mother and father and they were from Massachutt they were from this area. All I know they're still up here. I probably look them up in the phone book. This is I don't even know how many years ago that was, you know. I mean it's I don't want to do the math because my mind's not well enough right now to figure it out. But many, many years ago comes to my office and he was arrested for hand to hand sale of a couple of kilos of cocaine and Brad County fell before judge called Fudge Fudge, Judge Fudch, and back then and still true today, that if you were charged with trafficking and for de Grams of cocaine, it was a minimum mandatory sense of fifteen years and stay in penitentiary. And he sold the cocaine. So undercover agents, on other words under word. It's like he was. He was like they had more evidence on him, and five other come. He was undercovery. What actually happened was he was at a place to buy marijuana and the cops came in undercover, you know. Then arts game, another cover, and they sold them the cocaine and since he was there, Young Kid, they say you count the money. So he counted the money. was like a big shot, he's got the money, that's big deal. And they rested for the cells. Fifteen your men to remember, sentence, no priors. Twenty five years old. His parents come in, his father was a professor in a college up here, and they come in and they hide me and they pay me a lot of money, you know, at that time, a lot of money, what would have been a lot of my substantial amount of money. And I said, okay, I'm take the case, you know, because is what I do. And Blah, Blah Blah. This is where I represent. I'm going to take the case and and and I said, I'll let you know what's going and this is what they say to me. And this is what they say to me throughout this case, with its lasted about six months, eight months, a year. Is What they say. This is their line to me, Mr Spats, we have all the faith in the world for all the faith in the world for and you. We know you're going to get Johnny off. We just know. We have faith you're going to get johnny all and they left. I'm saying to myself, I have no idea how I'm going to get this kid off. It's not a clue. There's no way I'm going to get this kid off. You know what I mean? I'm gonna do the best job I can. I'm going to do anything whatever. I'm going to research, I'm going to fall emotions, I think, but this, unless Jesus in person is showing up in court, this kid AiN'tle and it's got called Dan Fudge. Let me give you an idea of who Dan funch with and his chambers. He had a miniature electric chair that lit up. So I got Mama Dad, Mama Dad, who's paid me twenty grands represent their son, and I I mean I think he might've been married, had a little baby. Twenty grands represent his son. He's before Judge Fudch, who's got to be a miniature electric chair, you know what I mean. And it's a minimum fifteen years. And all they want to tell me every time we speak to me, says we have faith, we know you're going to get him off. And I'm seven years sober and I'm become I in. I'm going to two KA ZILLION meetings on spot. I'm doing everything you're doing, alcoholics anonymous, and all I'm doing is I wake up the morning thinking about John's case, going to sleep at night think about John's kid. He's all through the day think...

...about John's case because they know at the end he's going away for fifteen years. They're going to say, why do we pay you all the money? They go to Florida bar it's gonna be on the front page of the Miami Herald. Russell spats is a phoney, the worst lawyer in the world. And I am dying and I'm a good lawyer, but I have no idea how I'm going to pull this thing off and I can't talk to anybody about it. Well, I can't talk to my group. They're not lawyers. What do they know? They're not going to help me. What I am going to tell him to tell my group that I'm scared and I don't know what to do. I mean, I'm not that I care what they think about me. Yin Stan I'm saying I can't tell my sponsor. He's like he used car sales. Let's see, there's no way my sponsor is going to help me. Well, I can talk to I'm not going to tell another attorney. I'm going to call up another attorney, the Great Russell Spats, who was, you know, division chief from but I'm going to come him and saying I got this guy's gain and I'm scared. I'm going to that ain't going to happen. So I'm doing is every day, all I'm doing is thinking about the guillotine. I think about the Guillotine every single day and I'm dying. I'm in stark, raving fear. I don't know what. You've ever been in a situation where you're scared of something? Maybe it's foreclosure, maybe it's something. It's your pride and everything, and you just can't even bring yourself to talk to anybody that it because nobody would understand. And you know something, if you sober it's even worse, because sober fear is horrible fear. So I'm seven years sober and my sponsor comes up to me and he says, in the middle of this fear and every day and every hour I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do about Oh, by the way, let me explain something to you. It's the thought if you spend like months trying to figure out how to get out of something so that you can win or get out of it and manipulate some and after the first like five minutes, you haven't come up with the answer, it's probably because you're never going to come up with the answer. You understand what I'm saying, but won't stop you from thinking. You know so money, property, prestige, the things of these world. So that by that time my sponse says, he says, I want to take you to a retreat. I want you to retreat. I said, thought about I said, I said, bobby, I don't have time to go. I just don't have time to do that. So one day he shows up within and he shows up in the front doors, just come up and going to the mini can retreat. has his I'm not going to retreat and my wife is sitting there with my bags pack again the card takes me, take me to a place like this. What about your man? Like you, you know, to the minical retreat, two house and the retreat master was a guy named Father Al Growl, may rest in peace, God bless them, Jesuit priest. So I'm sitting there and I'm he's I guess Father Growl is doing much better than what I'm doing now, doing what what I'm doing right now? He's to retreat master. No, just want to know about father I'll ground. Let me explain this to you. Father Al Ground, as a judge, went priest. He's got a Ph d in psychology. He runs the Palm Beach Institute, you know, for drug addiction, Alcohol Addiction. He's like seventy three years. I'm seventy three years. He's seventy three years old. You know, he is a World War Two hero as one of the survivors of the thousand men on March or something like that. So He's PhD priest, you know what I mean. And and he's got an he's got like forty years sobriety. So I'm going to look at this guy and this is what I'm thinking. This is the guy. This I mean for seven months I'm holding in this thing. I say, this is the Guy I'm going to tell father how what's going on. This is the guy that I can tell this doing. He'll give me the answer, you know. So the retreat is over. And at the end of the retreat, you know, if you put your name on a list, all see you. You know there and some of my name on the list and you know, and I'm not Catholic, so I don't go to confession. You know anything I'm going to you know, I don't know. I don't know catch kills. I'm from catchup, you know what I mean. I don't know the Verbia draining. So but I go in to see if he says okay, my son. He says what's the problem? And and I started blaming to him about John Coming in with his parents and pay me the money to represent them on this case, and he goes Whoa, whoa. First two minutes as well, he says, I'm not the guy. You should be telling US too. I look at him. This is no, you're the guy, you're the guy. I mean, I've been hold this thing in for said. I've been on this thing and this is like xlax. I've been holding this in for seven months. I'm about to go to the bathroom. I'm sitting...

...on the pot and he's telling me get off the bies of Nook. No, you are the guy, you know. He says, no, no, no, I am not the guy. He said, know, you were the guy. And so finally he said okay, he said okay. I mean he's a prettyt. So we can't tell anybody right and I'm not sure whether I'm a lot to tell, but it's too late. I've been telling her all over the world, you know what I mean. So I tell I tell him the whole thing, everything I just told you. I tell him and I said don't I look at him. I say so, Father, what do you think? He says, what do I think? I said, yeah, what do you think? You want to know what I think? I said, yes, I want to know what you did. He says, I'll tell you what I think. I think that you're full of it. I'm used the word crap, but he used the different word. I think you are full of filling, the word, scupulo whatever. You know what I mean. Dung, I said. I go like this and then for twenty minutes he tells me what I'm foot why, why I am full of crap, and I'm gonna tell you what he tells, but it tells me why I'm full of crap. It's essentially, essentially. Well, he says, you're full uses. You do this for a living, represent these people and he's just pounding the crap out of me. You know what, I didn't know what I told what I what I there was a reason why I held up his hand is that one of the things he did as the director pomb each instant, was he was in charge of the cocaine babies, that the babies who would be shaking in their cribs dying of cocaine because their mother was using cocaine. And I'm talking about how I'm all concerned about myself because I can. How about you get this cocaine dealer off? He was not the guy. During that during that pounding, he said this to me. Says, let me tell you something. He said. If that deal had gone through and he hadn't been arrested, that guy would never come to you. You would have ever seen you. He wouldn't be given a crap bat you. Cocaine babies would have been dying or something out there. And he says, this man goes to jail and you do the best job you can. He's not going to jump because there's something you do what you didn't do. He's going to jail because he deserves got to jump because committed to crime. He says, nothing to do with you and he just pounded me. So I walk out of there, you know, and I'm I'm like shaking. I'm thinking I'm reporting. This son of Guy's being reported. There ain't no question about because I'm me days, I'm I'm not a Roman Catholic, but let me tell you, I know what's supposed to happen in confession. That's supposed to say a couple Hell Mary say, I don't know what's supposed to happen, but they don't tell you a full of crap. And know what I mean. It doesn't end the priest. They don't do that. In Preschool they'll say you confesses that you're full of crap, you know, and they don't do that stuff. You know, and so I know I'm reporting this. This guy's got to be you don't defract or whatever the heck you do with these guys, because there's something wrong with this guy. So I go back to my little room, like the room I got there and there's the crucifix above the bed and I'm sitting there in the bed and I'm going through the alcoholic thing. You know. He said this and I said then he said this and I said that, and how dare you say this and that, and I got to tell the Pope and I got to report him to somebody, and Blah, blah, blah, and and and also, this start goes across my mind, and this is what the thought is dangerous fought. Maybe he's right. And the next thing that happened is I said he is right, he's absolutely right. He goes to jail, he deserves good dals's nothing to do with me and my whole life and attitude about people one hundred percent changed through I dealt with them the way I thought about them for the rest of my life, never to come back again. You come to them into my office and you pay me money and Blah, Blah Blah, but not where I said you better worry because from where I'm sitting, you'll probably do twenty years in jail. Let's some miracle comes up. I'm do best job I can. This we're going to do. But I said you better know everything about your case because, trust me, you can. You can love me and think I'm the great in the world. I'll do the best job again for you. But let me tell you something. Right now. When where I think they got enough evidence put your jail for life. So you better understand that I will not accept you know my boundaries. I will not accept you laying that crap on me. You know what I mean. You know I just don't accept it.

I don't want you go to jail from you know. Let me tell you something. Some guy gets sentence. You know, I was telling some of the other guy that you know, some guy got sentenced to forty years. Is What we gonna do now is I don't know about you, I'm going to get lunch, but father Al ground and some spiritual surgery on me. Man, he did some spiritual surgery on me. And sometimes the people you need to hear from about what's going on in your life. You know, when you open yourself up. You know what I mean. They're not gonna at first, but they do to you is going to feel like real harm, real hurt. But he changed my life, in the direction of my life, and all I do is think, wonderful thing. So Father Al grow now. He's a spiritual man. He loved the Lord and you know, I'm sure the Holy Spirit was Gott in him, even though as he was bound in me. You know, and I mean it was great. So I love to tell that story about how this thing works. You know how the world and the things of this world can really drive you crazy. That's the thing that will get you drunk. It's not the drink, it's worrying about that kind of stuff and you and you don't have anybody to talk to and things like that. So that's one hour. It's three minutes to ten. That's all I got for you right now. Thank you. I got him off. No, I'm actually glad you asked that question because I always wonder whether I should, because people come up from the afterwards, we went to trial. The Drey found him guilty. I brought out the whole thing how he was really part of the deal. He's just counting the money. Jury found the guilty and I've attempted attempted trafficking and went up to fourthc he stayed to jump for two days, a day or two. We got him at on what's called and it's locked Tory bond, supersedious bond, and the fourth is record of appeal on a peel said there was no such crime as attempted trafficking and they released him and he was found not guilty. Sound like guilty? Good. Well, somebody did go giving credits. I give credit for everything for JE Jesus. Yeah, you know, but yeah, I do. You know what's interesting to see. But I spend seven months, eight months, tear my heart out over them because I wasn got some emotional sobriety make.

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