AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 1 · 2 years ago

Russell S - Why God @ West Dixie Club 2019-2020 #3

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

A lot of people I know here. That's great. My name is Russell spats. I'm an alcoholic. I remember the South Sic Sea Group. I haven't found that started a drink since January, two thousand two, one thousand nine hundred and eighty one. Great to be here and good to seat Martin read and the mill and mark. How long have I sponsored you? I know I was sober twelve. How long? What do you got? About three days or something. That would how much that I got you like twenty something. What do you got? Well, didn't I ti? I heard you read those traditions. No, no, no, don't encourage him. I heard you read those traditions. Haven't I told you never to drink right before meeting? Didn't you learn anything from me? Cheesus? Unbelievable. That's incredible, disgusting. So yeah, I was going to do my speech on humility, but I never do it with a group this small. So we'll have to figure this thing out. So I'm and we were talking about the third step sort of really yes, one of my problems, I guess, with the third step. It's not really a problem, it's just it is what it is. You get what you get. You know you know, he's like a giant tobox, as a wrench stuff at every nut that walks through the door. And I don't know, without be a wrench tonight. But nothing's wasted, you know. And every eight meeting, you know there's gonna be some people that hate the guy, some people love them, some people will say, you know, if you come away from any me and you just get one thing, you know, sometimes one thing you get that you hate, you walk out your pissed off and then, you know, you start thinking about and say, man, that's the answer, you know. So, but one of the one of the little it's not so much a problem. You know, I've been sober for well, I guess almost almost thirty nine years now, thirty eight, whatever that is. And and so, even though I'm convinced on parallels over alcohol, I don't know how to explain that too. I'm so you're all alcoholics. Are All members of the tribe, you know, like a giant tribe, you know, and you know you're all members of the tribe. And you know, one of the although I am absolutely convinced, absolutely convinced, it's hard to explain this to somebody. Your people say to you you still go to you know, you have a relative conversation, you still go to those meetings. So that is amazing. You know, if you're if you're not here a long time and you're slightly codependent and you're you worry about whether people what they think about you, you might actually feel compelled to try to explain to this person something that they'll never understand. You know. I mean, it's probably better than just tell them the truth and say yes, I go because I'm psychotic, because I'm crazy, I'm deranged. I'm doing that. You say word. Did you know that in step twelve of the twelve and twelve, they say we come from deranged family? You gotta love a group. I mean, I've read a lot of self help books, I go to church, I read the Bible. You know, I got a Bible study. I've been around a lot of different organizations. I don't remember ever belong to a organization with they talk about coming from my deranged family, deranged a family. You know, that's why I love alcoholics anonymous. I can hang out with other deranged people, you know. I mean you can say stuff, you can talk about stuff that you wouldn't dare talk about on the street to anybody you know, and here it's like yeah right, it deranged just like the rest of us, and it's like one big giant world wide tribe of crazy people, and so it's good to be one of the so one of the things is is, you know, I I've been bat I've been dealing with the disease of I've been dealing with the drinking for almost thirty nine years now, which is what brought me in here. I've recovered. I have recovered. I used to be pissed off from my sponsor, I wan see I'm, when I was one month sober and he's told me was a good speaker and the guy said my name Solansa, I'm recovered alcoholic, and I didn't listen to another word he said because I figured he was full Shit, because I've been told that you're never cured and all that sort of stuff. And and of course I had one month in a and I thought I knew everything and I thought he was hurting all the newcomers. How I thought I only had one month. He was every people are going to drink. He was telling me you cut, he's recovered. Of course this that little part of me that thinks, what is he better than me? I'm recovering. He's recovered. You know he's here. You know. And somebody sponsor asked me after the deal. He says, so, what you think of the speaker? And I hadn't heard a word he said because I had spent the last forty five minutes resenting him and trying to figure out how to kill him and tell everybody else. said he's full of crap, and because I had not got past the part where he said I am recovered alcoholic. I had been thinking about that foot fuck minutes. Who invited this guy, and Sidn't hear a word he said. And so I had said my sponse I said he was a phony's he said he was a recovered alcohol he says, well, you are so. No, no, I'm recovering, because that's how I had been heard. That's what the fellowship I'd heard in the fellsh over recovering. It said, no, you're recovered. So when I and he said to have you read the four with them and I you open up, he said we are more than one hundred men and women who have recovered from a hopeless...

...state of mind and body. So I guess some Reco I've recovered from a hope of state of mind the body. I'm a real alcoholic. I'm one of these chronic I'm one of the the ones they talked about with a grave, emotional and nut all disorders that you I've been right in there and you know, I claim that with pride and and because I used to get up. In the end, I'm not going over the first step or any of that stuff. You guys heard a bunch of about that. Maybe I'll mention that for thirty seconds, but I'm moving on. I'm moving on. But but in the end, after the divorce and after losing my wife and kids and all and they have to lose my self esteem and self respect, and after, you know, that night on December twenty five, you know, one thousand nine hundred and eighty, when I got down on my hands. I'm a knees game my life to Jesus, and I'm a Jewish gift from New York. So it was pretty interesting deal, you know. But when you get desperate, you'd be surprised what you do when it's three o'clock morning, you think your life is over and you wish you were dead, but you're scared to die in and all of a sudden preacher comes on and you know what after you. But, but I had this problem at the towards the end, you know, I had one of these the alcoholic things, where where I was probably going downhill like this. I came to alcoholics when the when the consequences my drinking came in at me, you know, faster than my ability to lower my standards. You know, I mean it, when you're going downhill like this, you lose the wife, you lose the kids, you lose the money, you lose the credit cards, you're all alone. You got that, you know, you got when you go down there. But as you're going down, if you're an alcohol you, as you're losing everything, you somehow are saying to yourself things aren't that bad. I can't explain it. If, if it doesn't happen real fast, like, if it's not an arrest or something real fat, you can sort of like you can sort of glide down, you know, and I was gliding downhill. But but I got to the point where, I guess we all get to that point. I did where I where I woke up one morning I said I'm not going to have a drink today and I meant it. I was serious and five o'clock in the afternoon I was drunk and then I got to the point the next as. So I'm not going to buy moves today and by five o'clock the ALF news I'm looking for dim nichols and quarters, you know, in order to buy a court bottle of Carlos Russy K Aunte and then sit by the phonograph record and play my favorite alcay tunes like only the Lonelier, you know, rainy days and Mondays, any Carol Carpenter thing. You know I'm you know I'm Mr Blue. I think about my funeral, think about all the women in my life that dumped me and treat me like Shit, and you know, they're all at my funeral, by the way, feeling guilty because of the way they treated me. And so, you know, you go through that for about, you know, a month or two or three or four, where you can't stop. Let me tell you something. I'll tell you what a hopeless state of mind your body is. It's when you can't stop drinking or drugg that's a hope. That's different than I'm feeling dead because my boyfriend or girlfriend left me. That's different than I'm feeling bad because I'm bro that's different than a little fear, worry and anxiety. That's different than whatever heck you're going through now. But whatever the heck you're going to go through at three o'clock the morning, when you got a thousand voices in your mind, you know, telling you you're all, you're full of crap and terrible things are going to whatever you're going through in sobriety. Okay, it's not a hopeless state of mind to body. Only it's not the not drinking thing, even you. I mean, I don't know. I came to alcoholics anonymous because I couldn't stop drinking. I looked at either. I said I need help, I can't stop drinking. I couldn't stop drinking. I try to, couldn't stop drinking. I came in, I picked up a white chip, I stopped drinking. Go figure. You know what I mean. One day I'm drinking, I can't stop. Next Day I'm not drinking. The not drinking thing was gone. I was so excited about being with the tribe. You know, when you're with the tribe it's all wonderful. In here, outside you're not with the tribe, it's all shit, you know, but with the tribe everything's good. You know, I was so happy about not drinking that I actually felt I felt so good about not drinking that I didn't realize, and I'll have to use the word because I I'm sorry, how fucked up I was. I'm trying not to use that word too much, but there are some things that, you know, just just I can't describe it any other way. I was so happy about not drinking, so convinced that I found the answer which I had, or maybe the answer found me. Really, that's probably more than than what happened. That's problem, MOE, that that's probably what actually happened. Lord came down and at three o'clock the morning on the sember twenty five, I turned on a TV, said and I thought my life is open. Some preacher came on and told me, if I want to change my life, give my life the Lord and I got down on my knees like that and near convincing. I wasn't thinking, you know, God,...

I wasn't think. I wasn't doing the God thing in my mind. I was desperate, desperation, you know, don't Robin. Alcohol is desperation. I got down on my knees. I said the Centers for a game my lot to Jesus. I'm Jewish, Gift From York and probably not a big deal, but I went to sleep. I didn't actually stop drinking. I continue to drink for about third then next thing that happened is so apparently the Lord found me, or it is God found me somewhere, you know, and you know, when you're gods could be everywhere. He was. Probably he's saving me. He's probably saving some other guy in Bangkok. You know. At the same time, who don't knows. You know, I don't know what's been working for me. You know, if it works, don't fix it. So that's the deal, you know. And then once I got up and I stopped drinking, I got into alcoholics anonymous, like thirty days later, you know, then all of a sudden they're talking about the God thing and I'm sort of like, I don't know about that and I don't about that God thing. You know, I don't know. You know, because you know, alcoholics are very interesting. Because I want to talk about the third step. But here's the deal, which is an important step. I used to think it's the most important step, and it may be the most important step, but I'm actually work out now I'm more into the sixth and seventh step being the most book. But whenever I start talking about the third step, since I've I've been sober quite a while, I I well, this is stuff called the six step. It says this is the step that separates the men from the boys. Did you know that doesn't say the third step separates the men from the boys. Doesn't even say the first step separates the men from boys. Says this is the step that separates the men from the boys. And the guys I know that have thirty years and forty years and forty five years, you know, the guys that I really followed in here and everything like that. The one thing I'd say about them, the ones I admired, is they're roll into that separation from the men from the boys. Hey, he's got a lot of people, you know. Many are called but few are chosen. There's sobriety and then there's Bill Wilson, just to call emotional sobriety. He said the real problem with alcoholics is unhealthy dependence seas, which is different than I can't stop drinking. You don't realize it's different than I can't stop drinking, because when you see, because it seems when you come in here, that you're in here, I mean they don't arrest you for driving while being greedy and then arrest you for driving while feeling sorry for yourself. Then arrest you for driving while lusting or wondering how come you're not getting laid or then on't arrest your for from thinking about why you don't have that car. Why don't you have that woman? Why don't you have a man? Why aren't you marry? They don't arrest you for, you know, you know, lusting or being prideful or being angry. They don't arrest you. The arrest you for drinking. You go to jail for drinking, you know. So there's serious consequences for drinking, but you don't realize that. You don't see the consequences for being an emotional misfit, for not being able to handle feelings, you know, for just being just totally retarded in that area, not able to be handling life. And one of the reasons you don't see it is because it works on your like Grand Canyon over a long period of time. You just, you know, you're just, you're just, you're just a thumbsuck and crybaby. You'll live in a life of quiet desperation. You're really it doesn't really feel that much different then the life you would lived before even come a day, you know, except the only differences is you're living the same life you live before. You came day after came day, but you just not drink it and then you so when you first come. So one of the things that happens is is when I'm doing the third step and I know there's New People here. You know, there's a part of me that really wants to try to figure out and try to if I could somehow reverse my mind wind it back to the time when I could remember what it was like that three months. I mean, you have to understand, for what thirty eight years I've been working the eleventh step. For thirty eight I joined the Church, I became a deacon there. I go to bibles, I do a lot of things that are actually encouraged in the big book where they encourage church. I've done a lot of things to try to improve my conscious my conscious contact with God. I listen to hymns in the car because it improves my conscious contact with God rather than listening to talk radio. I go to Bible study because increases my conscious contact with God. I go to church and increase my conscious contact with God. Want to go to a I talk about God a lot because when I talk about God creatures my constant contact with God. I have lunch with all my sponsees, you know, every day we talked about God. You know what I mean. I'm just constantly involved and I read books about God. I when I read the Big Book, I read a book about God. When I see the steps, I see a whole series of steps telling you how to find God, how God will solve your problems. That it says, ce do your relationship with him is writing. Great events will come there to pass few and countless others. You know. That's what I see God. I said we're on a new basis based of trusting, relied upon God. You're with me. I see where it says where if you...

...want to be rocking in the fourth dimension and you want to experience much of heaven. The great fact is this is nothing less that God has become the central fact of our lives. That's how you attain what you attain here. Let's he attained the promises. He's become the central fact in our lives. We are convinced and absolutely certain that he lives in our hearts and minds in a way which is deep mirackless. He's going to do for us what we can't do ourselves. I see it all over the book. I see it all over because it's worked in my life. I read it. It's become me. It's me. You know, I would have never, at three months ober, understood the kind of peace of mind and freedom from fear and new freedom I have now. At three months I would have never, because my life was always, whether I knew or not, about anxiety. If I wasn't anxious now, I was fixing to be anxious in five minutes. Okay, that's it. That's the deal, you know. You know, every time I did something or had something to grab something that I needed to have in order to feel great. You know that good looking blond, that car, whatever it is, and I'm grawled great right behind that feeling great. It's feeling like crap when I didn't have it every time I needed anything or used anything to feel good. Every time I drank and it made me feel good. It caused me to drink again, to drink again and the drink again, because I drank because without the drink I felt like shit. Men and women, drinks are like the effect produced by alcohol. Their restless, arriable. It's there. They're miserable. Listen, can again experience sense of reason, comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks. That's what the big book tells me. That's what the truth is. I don't want to realize that. I don't want it. I don't even want to look. It took me fifteen years of drinking to realize I had a drinking problem. You know, I didn't. I didn't think I was miserable, because when you've been miserable ever since, you you're like a sperm. You know what? When you've been miserable, you're in top. When you've been miserable and worried and anxious and needy and wanting and having to have and I'm a I'm a yes, I mean yes, butter and and if only, and I wake up with brainstorms. I've only had this, by only had that and that, run around the world trying to get that stuff home. To work, home to work to get the money so I can buy this and have this, because it's so clear to me that all my problems to be okay if I only had this galt. And then I get the Gal and then and now I have a baby and have a beautiful house. I have everything I needed. I'm happy, and then five minutes later I'm looking at the next GAL because I'm not happy anymore. She hasn't changed, nothing's changed. It's just not that's just not the booze. That booze, that drug, just ain't working for me anymore. And I got the car my dreams and have had the car of my dreams and I got it. It's great car and I felt great in it. Look at me in this Mercedes. Look at me in this car. It's car my dreams and all of a sudden wasn't working for me. I needed a new car. I got the job my dreams, the fantastic job. I feel I'm in solid and then it's you know, it's a piece crap job. I wish I had a better job. I get the money in the back, but it's not enough. There's not enough, and yet I'm like addicted. That got to have more and then somehow someone and and I don't even realize the trap I'm in. And even if I start maybe at seven, eight, nine years, ten years, twelve years, ever long it takes to fight you. Because the first step and getting out of Jils, knowing you're in jail in the first place. I mean stop and drinking and stopping drugging is really the stunt first step. And stopping not even stopping the disease, stopping the symptom of the disease problems. You can't even get it the disease unless you stop to think. That's why in the big book it says drinking is but a symptom of our disease. The real disease centers in our mind, not our body. And what they're trying to say is, well, here's the problem. You're insane, which should pretty much explain to you what the second step is all about. When they say you're insane. Now they don't say you're insane because you know, if you're an alcohol you'd be pissed off with that and you probably walk out the door. So they say it nicely. They say we start believing that there's a power, there's something that could restore us to sanity, which, if you really want to put on your thank you cap with a really really trying to say is you're insane, but there's a power that can destroy you in sanity. But you don't have any idea of what you're insanity is. You don't really see it, you can't grab it because it's not something. Once you stop the drinking, the insanity that you actually have, that you're living with, is no different the real alcoholism that centers in your mind, not your body, the thing that tells you that you are what you're wearing or your all you are based upon your body weight, or you are whether or not you're single or married, are you are with. That tells you that who you are is what you have and what you look like and what other people think about you. That thing that you have that you worry about all the time, but you don't even know you worried about because it's all subconscious and everything. That thing you have is the same thing you have when you were six years old, when you're in kindergarten. You've had it all your life, so it doesn't feel you don't see it because you've been swimming in that disease your entire life, and so you ultimately, somewhere down the road, you get some sort of epiphany or something...

...where you realize, hell, I was an alcoholic before I even started drinking. I was an alcohol before I started drinking, I was an alcoholic during by drinking and now that I stopped drinking, I'm still an alcoholic. I still have the disease of alcoholism. And sometimes what you have to do is you just have to live past the trials. That's how we got a new perspective, by repeated humiliations. To final question, but we get a new perspective on what disease really is the way we set got a new perspective on on drinking alcohol. And how do you get a new perspective on? I'll tell you, a new perspective on alcohol or drugs. You get to the point where it's three o'clock in the morning and you're thirty one years old and you think your life is over because you can't stop drinking and yet your needs and say, Jesus help me. Hey. You know perspective because you get your trust. That's how you got a new perspective on romance. That's how you got a new perspective, you know, on greed. You know you got a new perspective on greed. Going broke a lot, spending money. You don't have to buy shit. You don't need to impress people. You don't like living a dishonest lifestyle. That's how you that's you, how you learn about pride. That's how you learned about anger. You learned about by by consequences. And if you're good alcoholic, you know good alcoholics. You don't like get crushed one time and say, Oh, I guess I have a great problem. You got crushed about twenty times or Fivezero Times over period of ten years, and then you say I think I got some sort of problem that area, but I don't know how to get rid of it, and then you say I got it, I'm going to stop doing it, and then two years later you say I'm really going to stop doing it. You know what I mean. And so ultimately, hopefully you get to the six step, which is the real third step, because you know the third step is pretty easy. You know that, even though some people don't do it, third step pretty easy, because the third step you just what is it you're doing? I did the third step. I'm not even sure I believe in God or not. I don't know. Show what I believe. I'll tell you one thing. I helped. I said the serenity prayer before I did I said the Lord's prayer. I did what they told me to do. You know, I wanted the blend because that, you know, that alcoholic idea, that of worried about what people think about me, that used to kill me out there, that would have killed me out there, actually helped me in here because I wanted people like me. I wanted but part of the tribe. So I did what they did. You know what you're in, it counts when you start doing that stuff. And I did what they did and I held the hands out. He said the prayers and I read the book and I listened to the stuff and ultimately, because I wanted to move on and I wanted my sponsor like me and everything like that, I got down on my knees, you know, in my bathroom, and I did the third step prayer, you know, like recited the prayer and get off my knee. It's not a big deal really. It seemed like a big deal at the time. I'd be able to go. Then you can go in the room. You could say, well, I've done the third step. You say you feel actually better about yourself as you're not because you've done the third I did third step and then I can go back to manage my life and trying to get the girl and the money and everything like that. You know and do that sort of stuff. But but it's different when you get to that part, that step, that six step thing, where where they're asking for more, where they're asking for what does it say? We're become entirely ready. Say I was entirely ready to do the third step, because that's just getting down on your knees for five seconds, say in a prayer and getting up and then business as usual, managing my life. Isn't that what it says? It says we can't manage your own does it say you can't manage your own lives? Yeah, but we we read that right. You read that tonight right. You say you can't manage your own life, and then you go out and get in your car and then for the next twenty four hours, until the next meeting, you think about how you're going to manage your life and how people are screwing up and why can't your life be better. And what can you do the manage your life? And does it never seem to be working? You're always feeling and crappy, you know, because no matter what you're doing in life is just more powerful than you and shit happens and all that sort of stuff. And it says no human power can be liever alcoholism. All we're doing is work looking around for him, her, whatever it is to fix us. Only God couldn't would if he was sought. And you don't even know how to say you don't know how to seek them or who he is and everything like that. It's all so fuzzy. And it does says half measures avail US nothing. That sounds a little strange, you know, and we sort of think. You know, the truth is, we're pretty logical. We think that's a little fun. You know, really deep down inside, it's like somebody once asking me, let's talk about the truth. You know this. This, anything is good, but we all know if we want a million dollars, that would fix everything. You know. You don't know that money's not important. It's just right up there with oxygen, you know. And it's half measures avail US nothing. Right where we know that halfmails is at least give you fifty percent. You know what I'm talking about. And what does all that stuff mean? They so all these absolute things. You know, you know, you can't get rid of everything. If you don't get rid of these old ideas, the result is nil. If you don't get rid of the old ideas. And what are the old ideas? I mean, I stopped drinking. Now, what are the old ideas? Every idea...

...that I have that I'm running my life on after I stop drinking, every idea that I'm running my life on, ideas that I'm absolutely clear on. You know what, I'm in an a meeting some old farts tell me this and tell me that, and I start saying, this guy's full of Shit, this guy is totally full of shit because he's saying something that I ain't never going to do, because it's the most important thing to me. That's a good clear that he's telling you the truth. And your alcoholism is going to hold you back until you really have to give it up. See, you know what Carl Young said to a Roland has it. He said he said you have the minds of chronic alcohol well, one has it went to the treatment. He did the ninety days, or whatever it is, the six months he stopped drinking. He said, now, knowing the inner works my mind, drinking was impossible. That's what we tell ourselves. You say I got this, I got this, I've been the means, I got the book, I got this. And then one day he was passing through Paris on his way home or whatever it is, and somebody, some guy, looked at him funny. But who knows what they'll happen, these forces inside of us that force us to do things we don't want to do, but we don't even know why we do them, you know what I mean. And he drank it and went back to talk to young and he said what's wrong? He says, you have the mind of chronic alcohol. I've never been able to work with somebody, I've never been able to help somebody with the mind like that. And the psychiatrist still can't keep us ober. I mean, you go up to him and tell him how screwed up you are and everything like that. They'll give you a pill, you know what I mean, to suck on or something so they can work on somebody who has a real problem. But the bottom line is is he says, you have the mind of Chroniccott, he said. He says, are there no exception? She says yeah, and he starts talking about God and some sort of phenomenon and some sort of miracle that here and there once in a while, and then describing the psychic change. He says ideas, emotions and attitudes, which are the guiding forces of these men's lives, are can us to one side and they become dominated by home new set of ideas, emotions and attitudes. So somehow they get rid of all their old ideas and they stop operating. There like different people. It's like it's like if you're a computer guy, which I'm not, but it's like if you had a computer guy, you'd like to have to change the motherboard. It's not just a little squeeze here and they, you got to change the whole computer. And so all of a sudden you know a guy who thinks that because I was a lounge lizard, I wanted what she had and I was wanting to go to any length to get and I knew that someone make me happy because women. For me, women is like drinking. It makes me feel like a man if I can get a woman to, you know, sleep with me or something like that, or whatever it is, I feel better about myself. I want you to think about that. I feel shitty about myself unless I can get a woman to sleep with me. I want you to think about that for a while. That's sort of tells you what your lifestyle is going to be like until the day you died and what's going to be important to you. It sounds like a real hero right. Sounds like a real deep guy, you know, really here or if I could have money, I feel good about myself because they feel crappy about just think about the you know what I used to run after. And you know something? These things were so important to me, and so pointed the people I hung out with. They W this was my real religion, this was my real God. I was so loyal to these things and it was so clear to me. How do you get rid of that thinking? I got to tell you, it's not. It didn't even require thinking. It's just the way I am. It's like my DNA. I know if I have this car I'll be okay. If I know, I how I know the answer my problems is not having anything to do with God or anything like that it's those things that I got and everybody could have maybe a different thing, you know, but I've rarely had a guy come up to me after meeting like this and said, I don't know what you're talking about. I can tell you that, and I suppose women sort of work the same way. Man, I'll tell you something. If they didn't work the same way, you know. I know they work the same way, and Madison Han't does too, because look the billions of dolls they spend on cosmetics, you know, and why? You know, you don't even notice the subtlety of this disease. I asked my sponsor because I'm scared. I'm thirty one years old, I'm a former division chief for the states Attney's office. I'm a trallaturn try murder cases. I'm not like a whim, you know what I mean. I'm seriously deal and I ask him when I get sober. I'm one months ober. I say this. What do I say if somebody asked me, do you want to drink? I really wanted to know. What should I say? I want you to think about that. I'm thirty one years old, I'm a troll attorney. I'm trying murder cases, and I'm asking my sponsor, and I'm serious as as a heart attack, what do I say? And I've been told, and I know if I drink I'm going to die, and I've been told. What do I say if somebody says you want to drink, because I want him to tell me the use our salesman. You know I mean to tell me. What should I say, because I don't know. Now you know what that's all about. Let me tell you what that's about, because I'm so concerned about what you think about me, whether you think I'm cool or not. I'm so worried about you not having good thoughts about...

...me or you talk about and behind my back, that I need my sponsor to tell me what I can say to this person so this person will still think I'm cool or a good guy, even though I'm not drinking, because if he doesn't think, if he looks at me funny and he says, what do you don't drink? What's wrong with you, or something like that, I'm going to probably drink, oh, to please him, because I would rather him. I would I would rather die and drink then have him walk away thinking badly of me because I worry about. I'm worried more about what he thinks about me or what the group thinks about me then what I think about me, because basically, what I think about me is always what I think the group is thinking about me. But I don't see any of that Shit. Yeah, I don't see that. You ask me, why am I so scared about other people what they think about me? I said I don't give a shit. I tell me and you I don't really give a shit. It where everything I do in my life is. Basically, this is a serious alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful. It is serious and it doesn't always look like it comes in bottles, and it will have you drink in life will have you drink and doing all sorts of strange things and you won't even know why, and even if you get a glimpse why, you wouldn't know how. You won't know how to stop. That's why they say stay away from slippery places, slippery play. People like you know the first year sobriety is like being in the emergency room being and I see you. You know you can go either way, you know, because of the mindset, and so what? What? And one of the things I think that happens if I try to, if I can possibly see. This is one of the problems I have with a third step, because what happens is I always want to actually talk about the sixth step. Always want to talk about the sixth step because after the third step and after the first few years, and I'm talking about the first ten years or something like that, of going through all the crap you go through in sobriety, some are you are going through that stuff right now. Some of you are going through it right now and if you're not going through it right now, you'll be going through it soon, and that's not a bad thing to say to you, because I want you to know that, because when you come out of here and it's next week or tomorrow, whatever it is, and it's three o'clock the morning, you start thinking all those bad thoughts about yourself, you're lathering up in the shower and all of a sudden you hear this voice. It says, I'm a piece of shit out to kill myself, I'll never get better. You start telling yourself how fucked up you are, you start telling yourself how you're worthless, and you do all that stuff. Then at least you'll be able to say, well, that must be that's the disease that Russell was talking to me about, and you won't feel so bad. You're doing great, at least. At least you know what it is now. You know what I mean. You'll say, Oh, I don't have to kill myself. That's the disease. You know what I mean. You'll know what it is. So when it comes about you you won't believe it. You'll say that's just a disease trying to kill me. You know, how do I get rid of this stupid thing? You know, and and, and that's one of the problems, one of the problems with alcohol its. You know, here's the line envision for you. The first line of vision for the first paragraph says the following. It's sound at the bottom of the page. Says here and it says here there. Once once in a while a person gets sober. New Person. Doesn't even say new Person Co bet old person is sober for wall. He says feel better, look better, having a better time. Says we're not. He says we laugh at such sally. Whatever sally has to do with it, I don't know, but it says we laugh at such sally, we know he will try the old game again because he's not happy with his sobriety. Sooner in the loneliness is for you. Do you see? What happens is there's a difference between being sober, physically sober, and being happy with your sobriety. And when you first come in you may be happy here and happy there and happy in a different places, but it's sort of the sort of like oasiss of happiness in between sheer terror. You know I'm talking about and you know with sheer terror you start running that you run to a meetings. You know what I mean because you recognize I was feeling crappy, I went to a meeting and I walked out I was feeling good. You ever have that? You ever get that deal where you you don't feel so good, you go to a meeting, then you walk out and if you feel better, you ever go to meeting I feeling so good and then you walk out feeling better? You know, I'm we're not that stupid. You know. We figure out. You know. You know you go to meetings feel good, you don't going to means you don't feel so good. So a lot of us go to me. Well, well, the thing you feel better in meetings the thing that you feel outside the meeting before you get there. That's alcoholism. The thing...

...you feel in the meetings is recovering. Now I want to ask you this. I want you to think about the best meaning you've ever been to like this. You know what I mean. Okay, okay, it's just a a, a joke. Okay, the best meeting you've ever been to, you know what you think about that. Think about the meeting that you've been to that made you feel the best. Think about what your life would be like if you felt that way all the time, even outside the meetings. That's how I feel like most of the time. That's how I feel like most of the not all the time. I'll have my moments, but they're only moments. I remembered nine or ten years sober, twelve years ober, I was going through another you know, it was probably a lack of money thing. I was going through something and I went up to Real Kief and it was a mentor of mine and I told him I want to know when I was going to because I had been experienced the promises. You know how the promises are. You experience him here and there. You know, you know, they come and they go, they come and they go, and you know you but you know they and I went up to it, but I was once again broken all that sort of stuff. And because I had a ten see, apparently I learned when I was about I think I told you guys this before. I when I was about ten years sober, I went up to my sponsor and I told them about how it is broken. He told me, and I didn't understand why, because I was a high earner. And he said this is what he said to me. Said, you know, Russell, when you spend more money than you make, you going to debt. Did you know that? At a fairly Iq I didn't realize that. But you know, I didn't realize there's a connection. You know, I forget as long as I could charge it or do it or you know, whatever it is. And apparently it doesn't matter how much money you make, if you spend more than you make, you go broke. And so what he tried to say to me is he said, why don't you simplify your life? And what I think what he meant. I knew what he meant. He said get rid of the Cadillac, which I was playing five of dollars month. And once you get like a used car, like, you know, Ford or something like that. And and I never said this to him, but I knew that wasn't going to happen and I was I was never going to get rid of my car because, you know, I'm an attorney and I drove a Cadillac and every like that and everybody knows I drive a Cadillac. Already in the group knows I drive a Cadillac. And now I'm not thinking that. You know, at that time I'm not thinking this, I'm thinking I just know it's I just can't. You know, I can't live without. I'm like you get rid of the cattle, it's just not going to happen. You know, get rid of the Gal, I'm not going to get rid of the gut everything. You know I mean, and I'm just not going to get vernything. It's just not going to happen. There was something about it that I had to have that car. I didn't realize I had to have that car. B site had to have that car because I had to have that car, just like I had to have the drink, like I had had the girl, had that car because because I because I didn't realize I had to have that carcass. I was more worried about what other people would think about me if I didn't have the car. What are they going to think about me if I have? I had that other alcoholic paranoid that actually thought people were thinking about me that I didn't have you know that kind of I didn't put that together, but even a ten years sober, I was doing things that were that were Carl. You, Carl. What was it not? Call The guy who did the book man against himself. Manager said alcohols, some men and women are out to destroy themselves. I didn't realize that I was self destructive and really doing things that I was telling myself rationalize. I was rationalizing, tell give myself rational reasons why I should stay in. The sickness and the crazy relationships I would share't staying in because because underneath all the logic and everything was a feeling of worthlessness, was a feeling was I had to have that car, I had have that girl, I had to have the a lawyer, I had to have this, I had to be I didn't realize underneath all that was motivating me to do stupid things that was self destructive, and so I wasn't going to give up the car and saw I was always going to stay broke because I was always because I was living a dishonest lifestyle that I thought I had lived in order to make you like me. But I would never understand that because, just like I couldn't see the booze, I couldn't see that. You can't say that. You know, unfortunately, in order to get well, well, well, weller, Weller, to a certain point, I'm sorry, you got it. You got to go through your trials and it doesn't it's not like you stopped drinking and put down the drink and all of a sudden you're thinking like somebody with thirty five years. You think it's not like that. You know everybody's got a drink that you did. You didn't. You didn't have one bad night with alcohol, one bad Saturday night, one hangover, one bad time without who and said well, got to go to alcoholics anonymous and stop this shit. You know what I mean? Fifteen, twenty years, you know what I mean. And even when people were telling you that, you say no, you don't understand. You know so I mean that's what. So what? One of the problems...

...with the third step is when you're talking when you have an alcoholic who is an alcoholist and he suffers from alcohol, is m and alcoholism is lusting for all these other things. In the six step they say we don't want to diprecate matural values, but say no, people have ever made a worse life than running alf too. Money. What is it? Money? Power and Romance, Prestigian Romance. Yeah, they throw romance right in there. My wife was home right now watching the hall Mack Channel, well, the lifetime channel. Have you guys ever watched that? You know I've been married for like thirty eight years. Have you ever watched that? It's disgusting. The only movies I want to see, guys, I call them N Klk movies. They got to be right rated and Klk. No kissing, lots of killing. I just want to see blood and guts and bad guys killed. You know what I mean? One Kiss I'm out of here. You know what. I'm out in the day. My wife was at home. She lives all she'll watch like twenty of those lifetime channel deals and they're all the same deals. I got the same people on, you know, the same deals and just moving around the chess board. I don't know how I would do like that. Think about that guy's gals that you know. They got guys in bars, right. They got tenzero more of guys and Gals and bars all over all over day county. Right now. It's girls, nice, it's lady. Yes, everything, it's all about hooking up. Your whole life is about hooking up. They got people there. A whole life is about hooking up. Okay, how would you feel if you came in here in the first thing they said, okay, stop drinking and no more hooking up for you for the rest of your life. I'm out of here. You know what I mean? Doesn't worry. Yeah, but you know the six steps, he says. You know they start talking about in the sixth step they start talking about how would they talking about? Money? Getting up, money, prestige and Romance. So what I've been battling for thirty eight years is all that other stuff. I'm in battling the booze that go. I mean I I could drink like an hour after this meeting because I'm palace over out and I know that. I know that the only reason I have any power over alcohol at all is because of whatever power the Lord gives me, because I'm I've tried to be close to him. I'd pride to do what I think the God, am I understanding, wants me to do, which is one of the things to come here and talk to you about this stuff, which sort of protects me, because nothing's going true. As sobriety is intend to work with alcoholics. So I know I'm protected because I do what God wants me to do, and I believe that. You know. But but the fact, the fact of the matter is I'm not. I'm not dealing with a hand to hand white knuckling over alcohol. I'm dealing with with the the lust and the things of this world that are attacked me all the time because because I have no control over this world. So I could go home to I can drove home to night to get a flat tire. I mean, stuff get happen, things happen out of the blue and I got to deal with that and that's what I've been doing, dealing for years and years and years, and what I have found is the only thing that protects me from worrying about that stuff is trusting in God. Run A new base based of trust and relying to God. We don't argue with people about God. We let it demonstrate in your life what it's doing for you. And I think with the problem is with somebody who's like one month or two months or three months, they start going out. The God thing is in their mind. They're saying, I don't understand really why should do it. There's no real connection. When you think that your real problem is money, or your real promise sex, or your real promise your car, or you real promise your house, or you real promise your dreams, all material things, and it's been working for you all your life because it works like alcohol. It works when you think that's your problem. You you with me and that's the way you operate as part of your motherboard. You haven't made that you're not dominated. You don't call young. They're dominated by a whole new set of ideas. When you're when you're still dominated, you know you have to develop a lifestyle, time lifestyle which demands for rishonesty. When you're still involved in the lifestyle of the alcoholic, you understand what I'm saying and you may not be drinking, you may have gotten rid of that, you may have recovered from that, but the bottom lines, you haven't recovered from the old ideas of the thoughts that if you only had this or if I only had that, if I only had this, if I only live there. If you haven't recovered from that, then God doesn't seem like anything you're really interested in. Because why do I need God? I'm not drinking, I feel okay and I got a job now and I got a car and I just need more money. So it's hard, you know, it's hard to convince an alcoholic that he really needs develop a lifestyle where God becomes a stipiece of your life, no matter how much you write it in the big book and talk about it, when they don't see any connection between centering their life upon God and getting anything out of it. Except what happens is this, over period of time, you go to a enough you you suffer. We learned the value of sufferings. You suffer because of your lust for these things, and the more you suffer and the more miserable you got over period of time, the more you're seeking. How do I, how do I get better at nine years sober, a ten years sober. I'm saying, when is this going to stop? I've been working seeing for ten years like crazy. I still get it. I'm just still the press cost of the...

...money. I'm still worried about this. You're running to the real kings and they say, I say, when am I going to have financial security? Like the promises? I'm doing everything. They says. What are you talking about? It said financial security. What am I going to be like Donald Trump, or have all the money and everything in the way? He says, what are you talking about? This the promises. He says that'll promise you that. I said, yes, they do. I just read, he said, read it to me. Says fear people and Financial and security. Believe he says. Yes, the fear will leave you. He says, Russell, you will always be broke. It just won't bother you. Can you imagine that? You know the fault. said. I've learned the CANTA. I learned the secret when to be content on all things. In jail, out of jail, Bro Wealthy, it doesn't matter to me that kind of stuff. You know, I'm I can. I'm peace for myself. I'm excited wherever I am, because my peace and my self esteem does not come from things. It comes from my relationship with God, and that's what Ay is all about, that's what these steps roll about. That's why the six step, it says, the man who's doing the six step is repeatedly trying over his lifetime to grow in the image and like this of his creator. And it takes a long time. It takes a lot. Even as I'm talking about this here, and what I'm telling you is the truth in my life, no matter how well I put it, there'll be some people in here, I understand, that will say, I just don't get it. Did you just not ready to receive? You're just not ready to receive a message? Yeah, it's okay, you just have to go through some strange nights, some strange days, some different stuff. You know, maybe three or four years from now this message will make sense. You're here from somebody else and maybe maybe ten years, maybe twenty years from now you'll be speaking the message at some meeting. You maybe you're not ready to hear this message. Maybe you just have to try to run after the money and the girls and the guys of the romance and then the ten years and realize that it's just not satisfying you, you'll end up drinking again or getting depressed. Together us some and you realize, you know, I remember, that guy was talking about seeking God and that was the answer. So you run into a few people. What does it say? You remember, you remember the step before the steps. If you want what we have and a willing go to any length to get it, isn't that the step away? It says, then you're ready. You want we have. Really. So you're running a few people. You just have to increase your wee a little bit. If you want what we have and are willing to ready, then you're ready to take certain steps. You're not ready to take the steps until you meet somebody in a or you see somebody in a and you say, man, I wish I could have what that GAL has. I wish I could have with that guy as what do I have, do that with that guy has, and all of a sudden you realize, well, that guy seems to be talking about God Alat and then you'll start. If you want that deal, you'll start doing it, even though I even understand what you're doing, but you want what he has more than the misery you have right now. Does that make any sense, you know, because that's the real problem we have. The real problem is is is you just don't see what you whatever you have now, even if you like it, you don't really see what you could be experiencing if you just focused on him more to say with me. That's the deal. So I don't know that made any sense to you, but that's really all I have tonight. So thank you. You're out of time, but there's still time for burnon desired. you in drink yourself or someone else. Please share it now. The baskets were passed around on a partition. All right, my name is frank. I'm an alcoholic. This is the solutions group. We meet nights a week at a thirty PM. Last Day night is a step series. Friday night is the speak of discussion. Saturday night is the eleven step. For him, that tank is evacation. Danil lighted some patient music after pot. They need of what we hear every Saturday night with the exceptional girl doesn't coming said because of the all right, I'll do all that meeting. If you look for a home group but want to do some service business. Have you cele great anniversaries on the last variety of the month. It's want to celebrate with us, but your name and years of sobriety on board and we'll get you a nadallion. Just we celebrates the K called Wednesday, November twenty seven. After this meeting we're having a friends giving. So it's the Wednesday before thanks gimming. It's a pot luck style dinner. A lot of us won't, a lot a few of us are bringing food. Um, we have like a group chat. So if you want more information, see me or frank your face afterwards.

All right. So to Saturday. Fifty eight and stars, actually a number of paper and I noticed a have of fate im up. It starts tomorrow. So if you want to go, you know. Like I said, Saturday most of us and it's kind of a slow being myself or someone if we're not going to be back for a day. All right, courage, sponsorship. Anyone will. Okay, TA sponsor speaks alcoholic. Haven't done this in Miami yet. Every having system with the first year and the first one is the way. If you've been we have green for thirty days.

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