AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 7 · 2 years ago

Russell S - When Sobriety Meets Insanity @ West Dixie Club 2019-2020 #10

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

WHOA. I did this on purpose. When you get old you like jewel and slobber a lot, you know, and talk a little bit about that. So I did that. I didthis because I forget. This would help you guys be some sort ofspiritual thing that I'll go into. My name is Russell. I'm an alcoholic. I remember the south. That's what happened. I was I was drinkingcoffee and I don't know, I just thought of something. I started laughing. While I don't laugh. What's up? You don't know what it's like.Don't laugh. Don't laugh with coffee in your mouth. It's terrible.So I'm remember the South Dixie Group and I have found that shot. Ihave a drink since January twenty five, one thousand nine hundred eighty one.So this is my birthday month, you know, and right. Well,thank you very much. I appreciate it. So thirty nine years of dealing withthis disease was entered in my mind, not my B I recovered from ahopeless state of month. You know, that not drinking thing. Anybody ever, anybody coming here because they couldn't stop drinking a drugon that kind ofdeal. I recover from that thirty nine years ago. It was a hopelessstate of mind, the body. I couldn't stop drinking, and out therethey don't understand that. You go up to somebody out there and you saidI couldn't stop drinking it, then you're talking about in here they do.But I re covered from that hopeless state of mind, the body thirty nineyears ago, and so I've been dealing with the the real the the disease, and so that's something to talk about to you know what I walkedin here, somebody asked me, said what step you want? I didn'ttake up this. This what do you call the service commitment to be interrogated? You know, you know, why is it that people actually they're people, actually, I think people. Why do people predate under why do theythink that I actually know what I'm going to say before I sit here?I mean, that's an interesting deal. You said, then we must knowwhat he's going to talk about right. That's because that's because alcoholics are scaredall the time. They're fearful and they're scared. That's why, when you'reasking alcoholic when he first comes in, you're going to do the meaning.They say things like I'm not ready, which is an alcoholic way of sayingI'm scared. You know, I don't know what to say. You know. So when you're new and you're scared, which you're going to be dealing with, the fear thing. It's the corrosive thread that runs through it.Don't believe me. Believe the big book. By the way, the one thingI will tell you is, and I'm just going to say these arethings I've learned about myself and my alcoholism over the last thirty nine years,and I've learned them not necessarily because I read them in a book, althoughyou can that could help. You could read them in a book, notnecessarily because I heard him from a sponsor, because it's not necessarily that you're goingto believe what a sponsor says. You know, you know, youknow our typical reaction to a sponsor. We say something. You know.So a guy comes up to me and he's got like six months and heasked me a question about something that's bothering them, because it's really driving themnuts. You never have anything that's bothering you. Something that's bothering you andyou just can't figure it out and you're thinking about it all the time andit's just the something that happened in your life. You know, maybe it'smoney, maybe it's sex, maybe it's romance, maybe it's who knows,maybe it's your job. So you just can't put it together. So yougo up to your sponsor and all the members. So he comes up tome and he tells me about the problem. He says, I have a problemthat I talk to us. Say Sure, and he tells me aboutthe problem and I listened to the problem and here's the deal. I've beenif you've been sober for a while, I've been so far. One ofthe way it's what it says in the big book is it says the waywe get a new perspective, says the some twelve and twelve, the wayyou got a new perspective on step's six and seven, I think it's seven, and say the way we got a new perspective. Everybody in here isa new perspective on things. I'm whether you believe it or not, youdo. You know you have a new perspective. You think differently. Idon't even care if you have one month. You think differently, you see thingsdifferently than you did. You know, before you stop drinking, you knowyou have seventeen years. So you think differently than you did when youeighteen years ago. Right, you even think differently than you did a weekago. So you're constantly your so the way we get a new perspective.And so what I'm saying is the literature is correct, even though, see, one of the things you learned is you go along in life as youlearned that. The literature is absolutely one hundred percent correct, even though youdon't think so. I mean the literature,...

Princess Literature, says you're selfish andyour self centered. That's not me saying that. I mean I'm sayingthat you are. You're selfish and self centered. If I was your sponsor, I would say you don't give a shit about any another way of sayingthe literature is very nice. We've talked about the very nice alcoholics. Itdoesn't really want to offend us. The literatures right nize. It says thingslike yourself. The real basis of your disease. You're selfish and yourself centered. You're driven by a hundred forms of fear, selfdelusion, selfseeking. Youstuff on the topes of others. They retaliate seemingly without provocation. But youwe sern soon learn that an alcohol alcohol. We're hurt because we made decisions basedupon our self, which puts it in a position to be heard.Because the real deal is that we're self will run riot, which means allwe care about is ourself. It would means to ASELF. We do whatwe want to do, you know, and though we really usually doesn't thinkso. That's that's what the literature says. Your real disease is not the drinkof the drinkings, but a symptom of the disease. Real disease isyour thinking that your self. Now what that means in Alky Talk? I'mgoing to talk Al Kay now. I'm not to talk a a talking talkalcy, though, but it means that you don't give a fine fuck aboutanybody except yourself. You could give a shit about anybody. You will kill, run over people, Steal, rob to get grown way, and theonly time you're pissed off is when you're not getting your way. You don'tgive a shit about anybody except yourself. And and here's the other thing itmeans. It means that you think that I'm wrong. You see, that'swhat it means is you usually don't think so. See, that's the truth. Is You're fucking evil. The truth is your evil. You do evilthings and you hurt people. And the second truth is you don't think you'reevil. You think you're basically a good person. You understand saying and youthink I'd like overstating the deal. One day, after years of going throughthe vagaries of life and having getting getting going through the process, it's likeit's like a process. I hate the word, but it is. It'slike you go through the process of not so much the sponsor telling you whatto do, which is usually correct, and not so much the book tellingyou what to do, which you read and you throw away and say,yeah, but that's not really me. Not so much all that, butwhen you go through the process of repeated humiliations, you remember why you cameinto alcoholics. Anonymous come with alcohol sounds because some sponsor said you're an alcoholit came with alcoholics because you were somehow in your life crushed, what torepeated humiliations and the final crushing of your self sufficiency. You were crushed.You actually became you did the six step on it. You actually became entirelyready to have God or somebody remove the alcohol. That's why you came in, because you became entirely ready. I've got removed all the alcohol. Soyou were willing to go to any length to get that deal. Okay,you became mentally ready, and it be. And so what will happen is youwill. So you got it. You did whatever you had to do. It says, if you want, we have and you won't. Wegot to any length. You won't go to any length to stop drinking becauseyou became entirely ready. And you became entirely ready because you got so crushedyou never wanted to drink again. That's what happened to you. So youand God delivered and happen. You't even know how wide. How you knowis one day you were drinking, one day you couldn't stop drinking. Oneday you know you couldn't been vision a life without drinking. The next dayall of a sudden you stop drinking. I mean, what the Hell?What? You did everything you can to try to stop drinking good and stopdrinking. One day, the next day you stop drinking and you can't visionaldrinking again. I mean what have you don't even know what happened because youhave nothing to do with it. Don't you had to do with this bearound of the planet breathing. So you got so crushed that you became entirelyready, and then you think you're sort of like cured. But that's reallynot even the disease. You don't even know that's disease. That's not eventhe disease. That's just the symptom of disease. It's a hell of asymptom. It'll get you into jail and everything like that, but it's noteven the disease. Send there's in your mind, not your body, andit has to do with, for lack of a better term, being aselfish person and only give me a shit about yourself and nobody else. Andbut how can you battle something like that when you don't think they're selfish,for step and getting out of jails, knowing your jail in the first place? How you going to stop drinking what you don't think you have a drinkprop how you going to stop worning around, lusting, you know, spending moneyyou don't have and buying shit you don't need to impress people. Youdon't like because you know, you just got to be a big shot andyou always want the attention and all the other shit. The real prob howdo you deal with the DIS ease, the real addictions of this world that, in the sense, sort of drove you to drink? You know,how do you? How do you get rid of that? You know,and you got to go through the same process, the same process. Andhow? And the problem with the process,...

...the same process, where you getwhere you get crushed and crushed and crushed over over period of one month, one year, two years, five years, ten years, fifteen years, same bullshit over and over own again. You didn't get sober just because youhad a bad batch of ice the first week you drank. You know, you had to do it. You know, I had to heard alot of people over a long period of time. You know, because yourmind, because you're insane. I know you're insane, just the book saysyou're insane. I know you're saying because I'm insane and one of the oldideas I have is that nobody under could understand, because I'm so unique andI'm so different than I come in here and after a few years of listeningto everybody talk, I realize I'm not unique or different. I'm just likeeverybody else. I got the same disease. I like everything. I know thisabout ten or fifteen people saying I'm not like you, you don't understandme, and I said no, see, that's the disease telling you your unique. The reason a works, the only reason a works, is becausewe're like twins. I get up here and I say some sort of bullshit. I just talked about what's on my mind. The craziest fucking things inthe world. I don't about what's on my mind. Ten people say you'retalking about me. You know, I mean, it's the only reason wecome here. You know, we don't come here to hear people talk aboutsomething we don't understand. I mean it just feels good to hear I'm notthe only son of a bitch crazy person on the planet. It's somehow.It was therapeutic, you know what I mean. There's not a price ifyou're crazy. If you want to denify, I don't worry. You're exactly whereyou're supposed to be. So so the guy says to me. Thenwe're insane and part of the insanity is not knowing you're insane. Part ofthe insanity that we have this disease is not understanding how fucking crazy and evilyou are. That's part of the insideity. You know, don't feel so badabout this. I know it sounds bad, but there's relief is athand. So that's part of the insect. That's why, after you get gothrough the first step, the second step is it. And once againthey say it in Nice terms. Came to believe that a power greater inourselves could we store us to sanity, which which in alky. I'm totalk Alki now. You know. You know and Alky. I talked Alky, like at three o'clock in the morning when I got fiftyzero voices going throughmy mind, and they're all bad shit about myself and other people. Italked to myself, an alkie. I don't talk to myself in ASA,and my mind says to me this, you are fucking crazy. I wakeup, I started going the shower and Alside to hear the voice says you'rean Assholt, you ought to kill yourself. You'll ever get this thing. Youknow I talked alky to myself. You understand I'm crazy. And sothe second step doesn't say. They say came to believe that a power greaterourselves could restore us to sanity, which sounds very nice. You know whatit's really trying to say if you translate and Dalkis trying to say you're fuckingcrazy. Now it because the only way you can be restored to sanity isif you're insane. Anybody, I don't want to lose anybody here. Youunderstand that. You can't restore something to sanity who's already got sanity. Yourestore people to sanity who are fucking crazy. So with the second step says isyou're fucking crazy, but you don't think you're crazy. You finally getto the fact and you'll get to the crazy part. Don't worry all Ikey'seventually realize that crazy because they're sober. They get sober when you're sober andyou're in AA and you're not hanging around the other crazies out there that tellingyou crazy shit and all that sort of stuff. When you're sober and youare confronted by sober people in alcoholics anonymous and dealing with life, trust me, unless you're totally brain dead or retarded, somewhere along the way you're going tosay to yourself, I am fucking nuts. It's gonna have nothing todo with drinking. You're going to realize you're crazy. You'll hear somebody elseis man, I am crazy. You'll really and yeah, let me now, I'm going to tell you something. Sad. News is, you mayhave to go through a lot of pain to realize how crazy you are.You may have to go through maybe buy your third divorce, you'll realize you'recrazy. Or maybe after you go prett broken, maybe after make a lotof money but guess, broke all the time, you realize you're crazy.Or maybe you'll have to go to jail a few times to realize you're crazy, because the problem is is that when you're crazy alcoholic, you think crazythings and you don't give a shit about anybody except yourself. What happens isin this world, over period of times, bad shit happens to you, eventhough you don't think you're crazy. I mean the world, you know, the world has a way. The life is a humiliating experience. It'sa humbling experience. So the guy comes up to me and dumps this problemon me. This is very incredible problem that he can't possibly figure out.That's to do with his girlfriend and a heroin addict and a rabbit or Idon't know what it is. It's just very complicated and there's a lot ofpeople involved in it driving the months,...

...you know. And so he tellsme what the problem. Now here's the good part. Good part is this. Since I'VE BEEN SOBER THIRTY NINE YEARS, I've gone through a lot of Shit. You know, my sponsors say, with the Manux with experience, meetthe man with money, the man with experience and walk away with themoney and the man with the money will walked away with an experience. There'ssomething about actually going through shit sober that over a period of five, ten, fifteen, twenty years, it teaches you lessons. Sometimes you have togo through the same shit. Listen to me, this is crazy. Youmay not believe this sometimes if you're an alcoholic, it's true. No matterhow smart you are, sometimes we cast you're smart. You've got to gothrough the same problem over and over and over again. Boy, for yousay, then I think I fucking have a problem. You know, you'reI know that's I believe it. That's true. It's true. And evenwhen you recognize the problem, you say I got to stop doing this shitand you realize it's crazy, you do it anyway for another two years becauseyou don't how to stop. It's I'm telling you, this is a veryserious is your problems. You don't see your smile. You don't realize howseriousness is. Do you think this is fun? This is a serious isit? So I say to the guy. So He's lucky, because this thingwith a girlfriend, that the heroin addict and the rabbit, you know, when the Ja and all that's all that crap. I've actually, overthirty nine years, been through that fifty times. I've been through the heroinegirlfriend rabbit thing fifty times, or something very similar to the rabbit girl thatthinks that, fifty times and it was driving me nuts too. But afterbut on the on the forty time, after going to some guy and askinghim again, what do I do with the girlfriend, the Rabbit and whateverthe hell it is, it's trust and killing me. This guy said tome the answer, told me the answer, the sponsor told me the answer andI was in a position because I was now I've now gone through itabout forty times to actually hear what he was telling me and it started makingsense to me and I started changing, and now the rabbit, girlfriend,sex, monster think doesn't bother me anymore. So he came to the right guy, because I am the guy who knows the fucking answer to the rabbit, girlfriend heroine thing. He came to the perfect guy to help him outwith this rock. He's only got two months, but he happened to luckily, so God thing comes to the perfect guy to tell him about the theheroin out of girlfriend, with the sex and the rabbit, you know whatI mean. And now your problem may have nothing to do with heroin orgirlfriend or a boyfriend or a rabbit. It's probably with you know, Idon't know. A moves to something, who knows what? It's some sortof different but it's you got the same problem. It's just driving your nuts. You can't. So he came to me and he asked me what doI do? So I'm in alcoholics anonymous and somewhere along the line, andthis is going to float at floors may somewhere along the line my perception haschanged to you ready for this, that I, for some weird reason,actually give a shit about this guy. I care about them, I wantto help him. I don't know how that happened. One day all Igave a shit was about myself. My girlfriend said to me. I've toldthe story manion times. I won't even tell the whole thing again, butgirlfriend said to me, I've been with you for a year. I haveto go up north to people with my parents, and I start yelling ather. What about me? What am I going to do Christmas? AndI start we have a big argument and one day I turned from a personwho I only give a crap about me and to a person who I actually, for some reason, give a shit about other people. Maybe it happenedthe first time I was in an a meeting. Probably happened I didn't recognize. I didn't recognize the selflessness. I think it happened maybe the first month. I didn't recognize what it was because I had never felt it before.I was sitting in an a room and I was sober about a month,maybe two months. I don't know exactly what it was, but I rememberthis happened to me and and and I was only the sober couple months andthere was and somebody asked a question, is there anybody here for their firstmeeting? And a guy raised his hand. Have you ever been to an ameeting where somebody says, is there anybody here for the first thing?That guy raises their hand? Or Guy Raising hand? Is that funny?You know sometimes what happens when that happens, you know what happens. The meetingall but all of a sudden becomes a first step meeting. Everybody startsstarting by the first step, almost like they care about this, like theycare about what happens, though, and at the end of the meeting,at the end of the meeting, they start handing out the medallions, thechips, and they say, does anybody want a white chip? And youknow what happens, and everybody does it. They all look at that guy.I started looking at that guy and in my mind I'm saying, inmy mind, I'm going pick it up, pick it up, and he picksit up and we all start a...

...plauding and going crazy and I'm happy. I don't even know this asshole. He's not even paying my he's noteven paying my visa bills, and I'm like going nuts because I'm excited becausehe picked up a white chip. It's almost like I give a shit aboutthem. I don't understand it. I don't understand that. I don't evenunderstand I understand I'm feeling something that I've never fucking felt before in my entirelife, love for another human being who can do nothing for me. Idon't even understand that. The process is already working and I'm already changing.All I know is that I am so excited to this guy walk up tohim at me and me like that. So getting back to my friends,who's got whatever it is six months he's got the heroine girlfriend and the rabidthing and whatever that thing is, you know. So we asked me thequestion. So I with, you know, thirty eight years, thirty nine,thirty six, whatever, it doesn't matter what it happened. I becauseI care about him and because I absolutely know the answer, because I've beenthrough it forty or fifty times. I give him the answer. I said, well, let me tell you what the answers and I try to explainas clearly as I possibly can what the problem is with the heroin girlfriend,whatever hell it is, you know, and I explain. Yeah, andI had that problem and I explain the whole problem and the solution. Igive him the exact solution, okay, and he says to me, youdon't understand. I got thirty nine years, I've been through it fifty times.It comes up because he wants to answer. I give him the bestfucking answer I have. I give him the answer and he says to me, you don't understand. And I realize now if I, if I,if I was only might be three years ober, five years ober, Iprobably try to yell at him, screaming at him, explain it to him. It would get me all frustrated and then I'd have to go to Alanon, because when, when? When people get frustrated because alcoholics don't fuckingunderstand and they go crazy, that's where they have to go. They haveto go to Alanon. We can't help we can't help the people in withthat. You got to go to Alan on because it has something with beingcodependent and getting your head against the wall and I think stupid, not reallyunderstanding and whatever. Hell, it is some sort of disease because people haveto understood. But so so what? But here's what I understand. WhatI understand is I don't have to take that personally. It's not because hedoesn't like me and it's not because I'm stupid or I don't know how toexplain it. It's because that's the point where he says you don't understand.That's where sobriety runs into insanity. That's the insanity of the disease. It'snot even his fault, he just doesn't see it. Now sometimes I cantry in some way. They answer his questions, maybe bring him around,but for the most part what has to happen with him and I incense withas happen. I say, well, okay, well, you know this, this is what I think. You think about. To read something,he may have to drink over it, he may have to go to jail, he may have to go to divorce, he may have to lose his car, he may have to something may have to happen. You understand whatI'm saying? And I'll get a call from the jail. They'll say,you know, I think I was talking about as well, I'm in jail. They locked me up, he said, and he'll say something like I shouldhave listened to you. You were right, and that's how alcoholics learnabout sobriety. In jail or going through a divorce or losing all their money. And that's how we learn about this deal. Because if we don't,if that doesn't happen, because the disease, because our chief characteristic is defiance,we think we're right. You don't understand. I'm different. Your stupiddon't tell me what to do, and disease is so strong that the bottomline is, until something happens that's painful, you don't pay attention. You don'tpay attention, which is probably why I was sponsored by abuse of means, sponsors that said terrible things to me, because the truth of the matter isthe only thing I ever paid attention to is when people said Shitty thingsto me. I mean, it's just true. I go to a meetingand there'd be some idiot talking. It...

...would just piss the shit out ofme, you know, I just I get a resentment and oh now,who invited him to speak? He doesn't know me. Who the ELL ishe to say this? Then the other thing and I would walk out ofthe meeting. I think about that bastard for about, you know, threeor four days or five days. And when an athlete is who invited themand he doesn't know what he's talking about. And you know what happens with thatdeal? You either drink over that. You need the drink over that,or you start doing a four step and a fifth step and you talkto your sponsor and somehow you come to the end of that where you say, Holy Shit, the guy is right. You know the guy is right.I do. I am scared the guys right. I am. Idid do something like you know what I mean and you know. So I'mso used to people saying, you know, I used to hate you, butnow I love you. So what does this all have to do with? Because people want to know what step? No, so I like talking aboutsix and seven. I'll tell you why. I like talking about sixand seven. I know we're supposed to be on ten or eleven or somethinglike that, but I would. By the way, I already discussed ten. I already did ten, but I did it back at three. Youknow what I mean. You have to go back at three and you maynot remember it, but I did it, you know. But I just don'tdo these things in order. You know, I do annoy I dothem and so in even so, that brings back to and here's the problem. Here's why I like talking about six and seven and the reason I liketill about six and seven, because is because I'm not involved in drinking.I don't drink anymore now. I don't want you to think that I'm sayingI'm cured. I have recovered from a help of stain body, but Iabsolutely know that if I don't maintain and grow in my sobriety and and improvemy conscious contact with God, I can slip backwards and stop drinking again,our stop bench, start being an asshole again and start worrying again, whateverit is, I could start doing that again. I I I am notsaying I don't understand that. I'm not saying I'm not in recovery or anythinglike that. What I am saying is that you have to understand my experience. Thirty nine years ago I had a drinking problem. I couldn't stop drinking. If I was going on a twelve step call now and I was talkingto a guy who had a drinking problem, you're someone. I'm saying I would. I would talk to him about first steps, I would talk tohim my drinking problem. I would do that. But none, nobody inhere has a drinking problem. Nobody here has a drinking problem. I don'tcare. Every one day sober. You don't have a drinking problem. Yourproblem is that you might drink again. You have a you've been you haverecovered from. Let me tell you something. If you if you woke up thismorning and you decide you're not gonna have a drink today, you said, I'm not gonna have a drink today, or even if it wasn't even that, you didn't even think about it. You said, just like I drink, I'm gonna go to a meeting and do this. And you're heretonight and yourself and you're having a drink. Trust me, you don't have afucking drinking problem. You've recovered from the wholess you got to. You'verecovered. The only the only way you're ever going to go back to drinkingis if you don't listen to the Shit I'm talking about right now, becauseyou won't have emotional sobriety. You won't be emotionally sober. You just what'llsend you back to drinking is the worldly clamors. That's what sent Bill Wilsonenough back to drinking, but will send you back to drinking is the diseasethat centers in your mind and not your body. You know what an alcoholicyou've heard think craving everything, cravy, you guys will have to pray.I know craving is. You have one, you got to have another, yougot have another, you got have another. Well, when an alcoholichas a month sober or six months sober or five years sober or twenty yearssober and he drinks again, he doesn't drink because he's physically craving alcohol.The second before he drinks he's physically sober. He drinks because of this disease whichsensus in my drinks, because of the stuff I'm talking about right now. And if you look at the suggestions, you know the suggestions. They saythey were supposed to do. Part of the suggestions. Twelve is sixand seven, and I'm I want to suggest you that in step six itsays it does say this. This is the step that separates the men fromthe boys, doesn't it? It doesn't say that in step three, wereyou just get down on your knees and say the prayer and then you getup again and everything. A lot of people drink out the step three alot of people drink after step one. I used to see a guy,see a guy with twenty years drinking, I'd say this. I'd say,Oh, he obviously never took the first yeah, right, Guy Sober fortwenty years, going to meetings. He didn't take the first step. It'snot. It's not the first step, it's not the third step. Isthat the six step is the step that separates the men from the boys.There is something in the sixth step that's so important that it's the one thatseparates the men from the boys. And...

...when you start understanding what the sixstep is all about, you understand they there's a lot of boys and veryfew men, a lot of boys very few men. The six step isthe thing that separates them for the boys. And, by the way, thesix step is the step that has to be repeated for a lifetime.That's the deal with the sixth step. And by the way, you knowwhat you know? How you know whether somebody's could do in the sixth step? Because they are trying to grow in the image and likeness of God,because they're shooting for perfection, because they're not becoming entirerated to get rid ofthe alcohol. They're coming, becoming entirely ready to get rid of their constantthinking about getting laid or romance or the blonde in the front row or gettinga new car or getting more money or looking better at the vanity stuff.You know, they're becoming entirely ready to get rid of all the bullshit itthat you're worried about after you stopped drinking. The real addiction. You See,I drank because no woman, no amount, no clothes, know nothinghave worked quite as well. It's just a few drinks to make me feellike a man, of make me feel good about myself. But the truthis all that other shit works too, and and and the real crap ismy addiction to this world and the lust of this world. You know,Bill Wilson says great line. I have it here on my phone. LuckilyI say it in Dr Bought in, as Bill sees it. I wantto read this to you. It's called the Forgotten Mountain. Forgotten Mountain.What it's on page one hundred if you want to look it up. Ofas Bill Susan when I was a child I acquired some of the traits thathad a lot to do with my insatiable craving for alcohol when he was achild, before he started drinking. I was brought up in a little townin Vermont under the shadow of Mount Aolis, and early recollection is that of lookingup at the vast, dis vast and mysterious mountain, wondering what itmeant and whether I could ever climb that high. But I was presently distractedby my aunt, who has a fourth birthday present made me a plate ofFudge. For the next thirty five years I pursued the fudge of life andquite forgot about the mountain. Man. I'll tell you something. If youlive in this world and you're an alcoholic, you understand what the fucking life is. I mean, what's your what's what do you worry about? Youworry about whether you're in a romantic relationship. You're worried about men or women,or you're worried about the rabbit or the guy who's hooked on heroine.You're worried about your boyfriend, you're worried about the job, you worried aboutthe money. What do you worried about? The car, what kind of caryou're driving? What you're worried about? I mean, what are you worriedabout. What's your anxiety about? It's not about God. What areyou worried about? You just worried about shit. You're worried about the five. You're worried about stuff. That's your complaint. You're going up to yoursponsors. You're complaining. I don't have a sex life. I have gottenlate in two years. You know I nobody loves me. You know I'mall alone. What am I going to get to? What am I goingto be wealthy? You know when a people going to stop talking about?What am I you're just worried about. You're just worried about bullshit. Worriedabout, like my sponsor said to me, what that's my one of all mysponsors says. He says the reason you why you got to get upset, is because you're upsetable. Everything in this world is set you. Anythinghappens. I'm saying it's all about this world and things of this world andwhat you have and what you may you lose and all the stuff you thinkyou need. And I told the story all a lot. You know,I read a Playboy magazine. I saw a nude woman and I said that'sthe secret of life. If I can only have one of those. Youknow, it's hard getting to playboy money when you're fifteen years old. Youknow are getting one of those, but you can see you just you justsort of fantasize over. I'm an Oltohol. Have a great fantasy life. Ican a fan with the fantasize. So then then you got a fantasizeover a car, because now I'm just on the way. I think,you know, thinking that this is possibly, that there's somebody else who thinks thisway. So you fantasize over a car because if I get a car, really nice car like a vet or a camarow is, I'm like themaybe I can get the girl and then maybe I'll be okay, you know. So I get the car and I get in the car and the carmakes me feel like I'm Brad Pitt. A car and all sudd I thinkI'm Brad Pitt. I get the girl, I got the girl in the car. Now I know I'm Brad Pitt. You know what I mean. Getthe girl, I got the car, I got the job. Now Iknow I'm right. And then and then I get all the stuff aroundme that tells me I'm okay, now I'm just as good. But there'sa problem because somehow when I get all...

...the stuff around me through this laterit's like a used girl, like you used car. It never quite isan I never can quite get the combination of the stuff in my life whereit's it'll stand still and make me feel good. Somehow the fucking disease comesback. I don't know what it is. Somehow, no matter how many womenI get in there and how many cars are getting in there and howmany and you got to keep on doing it, and then after you doit, you got to worry about it, like the car needs new tires,and the woman sometimes she'll talk to you and say Shit. You knowwhat I mean, and you know I hate when that happens. You knowwhat I mean. You like, why don't you take out the garbage orstuffing? You know, you know what it's like. You're married. Youknow what it is. I mean, she was gorgeous, I married shewas going. Now it's like, take out the garbage, what are yourarms broken and Shit, and you know I mean, it's like it's guys, it's terrible. I'm telling you. You know, you got mad he'sbeautiful, women and the sex is great. They get married and that's all aboutbring home the money and give me this and take out the garbage.And you know you're the worst husband in the world and you know you've nevergotten sober. You'd haven't got your yeah, you know, I like you betterwhen you were drinking. You get it. It's like, I mean, how do you? How do you deal with life? They never likeit's never like perfect. Some Guy Bounces a check on you. Why wouldyou all check on you? Three years sober? You know he bounced afather. You dollar check on you. You're just you're just live it.You're going nuts. I mean you're not drinking, you just you just keepon thinking of your mind how you want to kill him, kill his wife, rapist dog, blow off his house. You know, I'm you just takeit all sorts of bullshit, you know what I mean, because hedeserves it, you know, and son of a bitch. And now you'regoing to do it and you go up to your sponsor and you tell themall about it and he says, he said, well, how would youfeel if it didn't bother you? And you look at him you say,because I don't even say what he's talking about, because this guy's like that'sa problem with sponsors. They're so stupid. I mean no really, because thebar and the bar, believe me, if I told the guys in thebar that the guy that's five and dollar check me, they wouldn't say. How would you feel? If they would say? They's like, Guy'san Asshole, you got to kill him. Damn. You know what I mean. Yeah, I'd hate them to that. He give me an IDto give me another fucking drink. You know, you know. But butmy sponsor said, well, how would you feel if it didn't bother you? What I said, what do you mean? Because, because here's theproblem. He's sober. He's talking and thinking sober, which is a languageI don't understand and I'm insane when sobriety meets insanity. Nothing, it's forget. It's like he's talking checkel Slovakia. I don't understand. So it's just, how would you feel didn't bother you? And I say, what are youtalking about? He said, how would you feel if it didn't botheryou? Because when I don't realize what I'm talking about, because I'm nottalking about the five minsion dollars. Five dollars gone. I'm never gonna getthe five dollars back. The Five Min dollars is gone. I'm never gotto get the five hundred back. I'm talking about the fact that I amgoing fucking crazy and driving myself crazy and not even realizing that, no matterhow much I think about the five in dollars, how much I hate them, it's actually not going to appear in my checking account. I'm talking aboutthe fact that I am mad, I am angry, I can't get ridof it, I can't sleep at night. All I was thinking about it.Now I don't realize that's what I'm saying to him, but he realizesthat's what I'm what I'm saying to old he knows I'm talking about the womanwith the hero with the rabbit. He knows what I'm talking about because he'sbeen through it. I don't know that I'm saying shit to him like youdon't understand. You know what I mean, because I don't understand what he's sayingto me because it's not making any sense. I'm saying the Guy Bouncedfive dollars. He's saying, well, how would you feel if it didn'thappen to you. I don't even understand the fucking question. He says,if it didn't bother you, how would you feel? I said, I'msorry, we're not to be I don't understand the question. This is true, this is an actual conversation. I said, I understand what you're saying. He says, if it didn't bother you, how would you feel?That's what you mean. If it didn't bother me that he bounced the fablesall tutting. He says, yeah, didn't bother if it and I repeated, I say if it didn't bother me, how would I how would I feelabout bound if it didn't bother me? Says, yeah, if it didn'tbother you, if it didn't bother you, how would you feel?I said, well, if it didn't bother me, I feel fine.He goes, there you go. I still don't understand what he's talking about. I go up to rail keep on. Nine years sober by now. Ifigured out I was supposed to be a millionaire. You know, I'ma high earner, I'm learned pretty good money, I'm nine years without drinking. I'm so socially a millionaire and I'm broke again. I didn't quite understandthat when you spend money, spend more money than you mad you go intodebt. Did you know that? I...

...didn't know that. You know,I'm the guy. I spend money. I don't have buying shit. Idon't need to impress people. I'm like because I like people to think I'mlike a big shot. And the reason I like people think I'm a bigshot is because I worry about what they think about me, because I'm scaredof their judgment and I want them to think I'm a great guy and telleverybody else I'm a great guy. That's called, by the way, fearof people. But I don't think that that's the problem, because I'm constantlytelling myself I don't give a shit what anybody thinks about me. Because alcoholics, you know the truth. You know you can't handle the truth. Sowhat happens is, even though we're crazy, we constantly what happens is this isa disease of denial. Though we reasonally, we usually don't think so, so, even though our whole life is run by worrying about what peoplethink about us. You know what I mean. How will I look ifI do this. How will I look if I do that? Well,I do if I do this, what do I do? Even after wehad sober, we're constantly telling ourselves that we don't give a shit what otherpeople think about us. So the bottle list, we stay in the samefucking crazy position and we never change because we because the first I'm getting outof Jay. I know you're in gentil the first place, and you don'teven realize how crazy you are and how selfish you are and how much youworry about what other people think about you. And that's your motivation for doing theshit you do, because you just don't see it, because you thinkyou really don't give a shit while other people think about you. And so, even though your sponsor is telling you we want you get rid of thecadillact and get yourself a used car, you know what I mean, becauseit's question of six hundred month you're thinking, you're that ain't gonna happen. I'mletting get rid of my CATILLAC. I'm a lawyer, I'm getting ridI catala and I and I and I don't even know why. It's notgoing to happen, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I'm sayingto myself, you're rid of my Cadillac. What are people going to think?Because I'm worried about what you think about me, and I also knowthat all you do all days think about me. I got that other alcoholicparanoid thing where I think you're actually thinking about me and doing that Shit,you know. And so and so I go up to Real KIEF and I'mbroke again and I'm on these long ports, just right up there with oxygen andokay, well, anyway. So I go up the real keef andI say this is is another five. You bounced the five me like theI go up the real Keef, see the old timers, the guys havebeen through this. They know all this shit, but it doesn't matter thatthey know all this shit. Doesn't matter that I asked him about this shit, because doesn't matter, because no matter what they tell me, I sayyou don't understand because I'm insane, because I've got this disease. So I'mfighting. They're trying to pull me over to the checklist lock inside and I'mtrying to seeze. I'm thinking Al Kay here, you know, I'm thinkingAl Kay here. I don't even know. I'm thinking I'll because I don't evenknow what alcoholism is. I think you're ready to this, that ithas something to do with drinking. I've been going to these a meetings.All they do is something about don't drink unless your aft falls off. Pickup a white tip. It's all about the drink it and nobody's talking aboutthe insanity. Nobody's talking about what's really going on with me. So Iwalk out of these means. I feel good. I don't drink, butI don't understand why I'm still a fucking idiot telling myself I'm an asshole.Now to kill my I don't understand why I feel the way I feel,why I feel so insufficient and useless and worthless. And so I go upto Real Keif and I say to him one am I gonna be financially secure, because there's a promise in the big book. It says fear people,and financial insecurity will leave you. And I know how financial in security willleave me, because somebody's going to have done it's whatenty million dollars on me, and then I won't be financially insecure. You get that. If you're rich, you're not financially insecure. So I say to Real Keewis, likethirty years of time. When am I going to be financially secure? Andhe says, what are you talking about? And I say and I've got likenine years now. He's got like thirty. I said the promises.I said I've been doing this for like nine years. I'm doing this bythe numbers. I'm sponsoring all sorts of people. I'm doing step series aroundto I'm doing this shit around town. I've already been the instegroup banquet chairmantwo years and row. I mean I'm not like one of these guys.I'm not doing this shit. I'm doing all this stuff. So I'm sayingwhere's the be because I've how come I'm still worried about money. What's goingon with this deal? And he says what do he talks, he sayswhen? What am I going to be financially secure? He says, Idon't even stand what you're talking about that. So we do. You know.The promises is what promises? What promises? They meet him at everymean they'll probably read it at this meeting. We read the promises. You're goingto read it at this meeting. I'm telling you, that's right inthere. I'm not stupid. I've read it. It said. He sayswhat promises is the promise. He says.

Read it to me and I readit to him. He's trying to comber and says fear of people andfinancials insecurity will leave you, and he says yes, yes, Russell,the fear will leave you. He says you will always be broke, itjust won't bother you. I'm not year so when I was, when Iwas one year or two years sober, when the guy bounced the five indollar check on me and my sponsors said, he said basically the same thing.He says, how would you feel if it didn't bother you? AndI don't understand what he was talking then, and I said I feel fine.He says, there you go. How can you feel fine when somebodyand there's real kief? He says you'll always be broke. He's just itjust won't bond you. How could that not bother you? Well, it'sgoing to always bother you when you're when you're always chasing the fudge, wheneverything about you and who you think you're on what you think is important,has to do with how much money you have and what's into bed. Itwill always bother you. So you say, how do I stop that deal?Why don't you just ask me? How do you stop drinking? Youdon't know how to stop drinking. It's not person here knows how to stopdrinking. You really don't. You think you know. You think go toAa and do the bed, you'll stop drinking. Some people do and somepeople don't. Most people don't even know why they stop. You, youknow, it's like telling something the guy can't stop drinking. How do Istop drinking? You'll say, go to a, because that's all you knowwhat to say. Get Down Your cheall say all the right stuff and somewill stop drinking, but you don't know why they stop drinking. I cantell you this. It has nothing with you. Has To do with God. This whole thing has to do with God. That's why they say thegreat fact is this is nothing less the God's become the cent piece of thewhole thing has to do with God. That's what these that's what the sixstep is about, becoming entirely ready to have God remove all these defects ofcharacter. You so you want to know how to get rid of all thisstuff. You got to get to the point where you humble yourself and youget the point where you you become and Tilraty to have God get rid ofit, because you can't get rid of it because you'll always worry about thefive undred dollars, because you're always worried about being broke. You have asmuch idea as to how get how to get rid of the fear of beingbroke or the fear of blue using your car, or the fear of losingyour life, or the fear of not having a partner in your life orif you're not had, you have as much knowledge about how to do thatas you had to do with how do you stop drinking? It's an addiction. They're all addiction. They're all addictions the fudge of this we're a BillWilson said it. He said, he said. For thirty five years Ichased the budge in this world. It's just another it's just another it's justalcohol in a different form. It's just me sitting in a room looking atthe blond in the front row and not paying any attention to what the guyis saying and turn to my sponsor and say look at that Gal and doingit all my life. Look at that Gal and he says to me,says what, you used to drink russ and I say jam B Scotch.He says, you see that blond in the front raises. Yet for youthat's a bottle of jam be Scotch with legs. That it is. Buthow do you get rid of that? How do you get rid of thatwhen you don't want to get rid out of it and you don't even thinkthe problem? As a matter of fact, you're lusting after that, just likeyou lusted after a bottle of Scotch. And you can envision a life withoutdrinking. How you can envision a life without going after the sex?You can't envision a life without going after money. It's the exact same disease, but with the things of this world and all you have as agiant world full of mirrors telling you how insufficient you are if you don't havethat stuff. You turn on the TV. There's a there's a commercial about whyactress saying when you're nine years old you should be having a heart onfor four hours or something, or else you're a piece of shit. Youknow. You turn on you. Every every every movie you go to saysyou got to have this got. My wife is at home right now.She's on her eighth hour of the fucking hallmark channel. You know I mean, or the lifetime channel. You know, you guys have watched lfe. Yougot to get married. I get married. You have watched lifetime channel. Trust me, it's the same story over and over and over, withdifferent gorgeous people. You know what I mean. They all find love,they lose love, they find it again, the most beautiful romantic thing. It'slike it's all about the romance and the guy and the GAL and thevanity and the pretty and the handsome and the car and the money. It'sall about the American dream. Bullshit, then, really that's what you thinkabout all the time while you're an alcoholics, anonymous with the sobriety deal. Soto me, the sixth and seven step of a real engine here.It's the real thing that keeps you sober. You know, I love the oneJesus sit in this world and will...

...love problems. would be a goodyear. I have overcome the world. How do you overcome the world?How do you overcome everything of this world? That's trying to ask you. Whatdo you do for living? How much money do you have? Whatkind of car do you drive? You know, are you married? Areyou saying, well, you have any kid? How do you overcome thatShit? That's all that shit you judge yourself by, all that stuff youjudge about you. You're constantly saying to myself, how am I doing?And you're always coming up short. You know, a love everything. Wemust get rid of this selfishness. We must story kills us. God makesthat possible. How do you do that with a group of people that reallydon't want to do this? That's a well, I'm spiritual, not religious. They put down God, even though they have a book that says welose all prejudice, you can gainst organized religion. We can't see where he'sright. We're religious. People are right. We encourage church membership. How doyou do? How do you? How do you handle a situation whenthe only answer is putting your entire faith in God so you know, nomatter what happens, money, no, no, money, job or nojob, wife or no job, wife, whatever it is, you know there'sa God there that, if you do the things he wants you to, do. It's basically help another other people. Everything's going to work out, there's not to be a problem. How do you do that with agroup people that just don't want to believe that because they don't want to?They don't want to stop drinking, they don't want to stop drugg and theydon't want to stop lusting. They don't want to stop doing any of thisstuff. You know, I really don't know. I don't know. Iknow that over a period of years I've gotten pounded down enough so I've gottento the point where that's my deal. That's my deal. I still gota long ways to go because I'm not, I'm not what. I'm not ahundred percent cure yet or anything. And so all I do is Icome here and I tell my story, because not what it says our whatdoes it say? It says our stories disclows in John Way what we usedto be like, what happened. So I got up here and I tellmy story right because the secrets in the story, all our stories, arewe're all the same, but we're all unique with our stories. So Itell my story. You know, some guy ask me, what step areyou want? Let's go step them on. They're all in there. Every stepyou need is in that story I just told you, from one allthe way through to twelve. It's all in that story. You know.It's just there. On how to explain it to you now, depend uponwhere you're at. You may get the ten step, for they see othereleven. You may see other first step to the the you know, differentpeople there are different things, depend upon where they're at or whether they're readyto receive it. One do you may not hear anything. Five years fromnow, after I'm dead and gone or something like that, you might hearsomebody else say the same thing I'm saying tonight and Allicin say man, Iget it now. You're ready to hear it, you know. But myjob is not to carry the message. I learned this a long time ago. US think my job was to carry the message. Like you guys allhad a like me or understand me. My job is just try to carrythe message. Well, you do, is try. No power to kindof as. All I do is I get up here. This could bethe worst day. I mean, I've ever done in my life. It'sthe best one I can do tonight, January. First, first one Iso I just do the best job I can tonight telling my story. Butmy deal is that whatever happens after that is really it's in your hands,from God's hands. So thank you very much. WE'RE OUT OF DESIRED.

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