AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 7 · 1 year ago

Russell S - When Sobriety Meets Insanity @ West Dixie Club 2019-2020 #10

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

WHOA, I did this on purpose when you get old, you like Juwel andslobber a lot. You know and talk a little bit about that. So I didthat. I did this Fisi Figur. This would help you guy or some sort of spiritualthing that I'll go into my name's Russell. I'm an alcoholic. I rememberthe souts, that's what happened. I was. I wasdrinking coffee and I don't know I just thought ot something I started laughingwhel. I don't laugh. What's up you don't know what it'sSyine, don't Lagh, don't laugh with copy in your mouth,it's terrible! So I'm remember the Soutixi group and Ihaven't found that SOT ihave drink since January, twene, F, ine, thound,nine TN, I one. So this is my birthday Mont. You know and rigt well. Thank you very muchappreciate it. So thirty, nine years of dealing with thisdisease was entered in my mind. Not My bi have recovered from a hopeless stateof Mon. You know that not drinkin thing anybody ever anybody coming here,because they couldn't stop drinking a drugin. That kind of deal I recoveredfrom that thirty nine years ago. It was a hopeless state of mind to body. Icouldn't stop drinking and out there. They don't understand thatyou go up to somebody out there and you say I couldn't stop drinking it. Non'know at you talkd about and here they do, but I recovered from that hopelessstate of mind the body thirty nine years ago, and so I've been dealingwith the the real, the the dise, and so that's something to talk about today.You know what I walked in here. Somebody asked me: He said what stepyou wont. I did. I didn't take up this. This is what do you call the servicecommitment to be interrogated? You know, why is it that people? Actually thereare people? Actually, I think people. Why do people preat it under? Why do they think that Iactually know what I'm going to say before I said I mean that's an interesting deal. HeSai thhe must now what he's going to talk about right? That's because that's because alcohoics are scared, all the timethey're, fearful and they're scared. That's why, whenyou're asking alcoholic when you first comes in you're, going to do the Menin,they say things like I'm, not ready, which is an Alpbocic way of saying. I'mscared. You know, I don't know what to say you know so, when you're new and you're scared, which you're going to bedealing with the fearthing it's the corrosive thread that runs throu, don't believe me believethe big book by the way, the one thing I will tell you is, and I'm just going to say these arethings I've learned about myself and my alcoholism over the last thirty nine years andI've learned them not necessarily because I read him in a book, althoughyou can, that could help, you can read them in a book, not necessarily becauseI heard him from a sponsor, because not necessarily that you're Gonto believewhat I sponsored says. You know you know, you know our typical reaction toa sponsor. We say something you know. So a guy comes up to me and he's gotlike six months and he asked me a question aboutsomething: that's bothering them because it's really driving them nuts ouever have anything. That's botheringyou something. That's bothering you and you just can't figure it out and youthink about it all the time and it's just a something that happened yourlife. You know, maybe it's money, maybe it's sex, maybe it's romance. Maybeit's who knows. Maybe it's your job d, so you just can't put it together, soyou go up to your sponsor and all the members. So he comes up to me and he tells me about the problem. He saysI have a problem. An I talk to is say Jerik and he tells me about the problem and I listen to the problem and here'sthe deal I've been if you've been sober for a while and I've been Soethren oneof the way it's what it says in the big book. As it says, the way we get a newperspective says e, Inte, twelve and twelve. The way you got a newperspective on steps, six and seven. I think it's stup seven Andsa the way wegot a new perspective. Everybody in here is a new perspective on things,whether you believe it or not. You do you know you have a new perspective,you think differently. I don't even care. If you have one month, you thinkdifferently. You see things differently than you did. You know before you stop drinking. You know you have seventeen years, soyou think differently than you did when you eighteen years ago, right, you eventhink differently than you did a week ago. So your constanty, you so the waywe get a new perspective, and so what I'm saying is the literature is correct. Even though see one of the things you learned isyou go along in life? Is You learn that the literature is absolutely onehundred percent correct, even though...

...you don't think so? I mean theliterature, Princece literature says you're, selfish and yourself seted.That's not me saying that I mean I'm saying that you are you're selfish andselfcentered. If I was your sponsor, I would say you don't give a shit aboutany another way of saying the literature is very nice. We've talkedabout the very nice stat bogs. It doesn't really want to offend us, theliveratures right now it says things like yourself: The real basis of yourdisease, your selfish, an your self centered you're, driven by a hundredforms of feer selfdelusion Selfseeking, you step on the toes of others. Theyretaliate Simila without propocation, but we certin soon learn that analcoholic Alcoholi we're hurt. begause. We made decisions face upon ourself,which puts in a position to be heard because the real deal is that were selfwill run riot, which means all we care about is oursel. It would mean t witself. We do what we want to do. You know to, though we really usually doesn'tthink so. That's that's what the literature says:Your Real Diseases, not the drink of the drinkings, but a symptom of thedisease, real diseases, your thinking that yourself, just now what that meansin the alkhe talk, I'm going to talk Outyo now I', not to talk. Aa talkmtalk out yoter, but it means hat. You don't give a fine fuck about anybody.Xcept yourself, you could give a shit about anybody. You will kill run overpeople, Steal, rob to get your own way and the only time you're pissed off iswhen you're not getting your way. And you don't give a shit about anybody,ecept yourself and and here's the other thing. It means it means that you thinkthat I'm wrong Yousee, that's what it means way. Is You usually don't thinkso see? That's the truth is you're fucking evil. The truth is you're evil. You do evilthings and you hurt people and the second truth is you don't think you'reevil, you think you're. Basically, a good person Younstan, I'm saying, andyou think I'd like overstating the deal one day after years of going through the vigares oflife and having getting getting going throughthe process. It's like it's like a process. I hate the word, but it isit's like you go through the process of not so much the sponsor telling youwhat to do, which is usually correct and not somuch the book telling you what to do, what you read and you throw away andsay Yeah Yeah. But that's not really me not so much all that. But when you gothrough the process of repeated humiliations, Yu, remember Y, why youcame it: Ol Alk, Anamas, coming down Fok ons, because somesponsor said you're an alcoholic camet thatholls, not because you were somehowin your life crust what to repeated umiliations and the final crushing ofyour self sufficiency. You were crushed, you actually became you did the sixestep on it. You actually became entirely ready to have God or somebodyremove the alcohol. That's why you came in because you became entirely Rad.I've got removed all the alcohol, so you're willing to go to any length toget that deal. Okay, you became entirely ready and it and so whatwillhappen is you will so you got Rit? You did whatever youhad to do. It says if you want, we have and you wont got to any Linke. Youwon't go to any length to stop drinking because you became entirely ready andyou became entirely ready because you got so crushed. You never wanted todrink atgain, an that's. What happened to you, and so you and, and Goddelivered it. Happend Youdon't even know how why N Howll you know s one dayyou were drinking one day you couldn't stop drinking one day. You know you couldn'tenvisional life without Drak n, the next day. All of a sudden you stopdrinking, I mean what the hell, what you did, every Yi Cante try to stopdrinking good, an stop drinking one day. The next day you stop drinking and youcan of vision, drink it again. I mean what happe you don't even know whathappened, because you had nothing to do with it. The only thing you had to dowith I is be around on the plan of breathing, so you got so crushed thatyou became entirely ready and then you think you're sort of likecurt, but that's really not even the disease. You don't even know that'sdisease, that's not even the disease, that's just the symptom of th disease.It's hell of a symptom, Wi'll, get you into jail and everything like that. Butit's not even the disease centers in your mind, not your body, and it has todo with for lack of better term being a selfish person and only given a shitabout yourself and nobody else. And but how can you battle somethinglike that when you don't think you're selfish for stepping getting out jails,knowing your jail in the first place? How you going to star dringing, youdon't think you have a drink problem, how you going to stop horing aroundlusting. You know spending money, you don't have and buyind Shit. You don'tneed to impress people you don't like, because you know you just got to be abig shot and you always want the attention and all the other shit, thereal pro. How do you deal with the disk ease the real addictions of this world that, in the sense sort of drove you todrink? You Know How do you? How do you get rid of that? You know and you gotto go through the same process, t e...

...same process, you know and H, and the problem woth the process,the same process where Ou Yo get where you get crushed and crushed and crushedover over period of one month, one year, two years, fiveyears, ten years, fifteen years same bullshit over and over on again, you didn't get sober just because youhad a bad batch of ice. The first week you drank you know you had to do it.You know D Heurt, a lot of people over a long period of time. You know becauseyour mind, because you're insane, I know you're insaying, just the booksays you're insane. I know you're in saying, because I'm insaynean one ofthe old ideas I have is that nobody under could understand because I'm sounique and I'm so different, and then I come in here and after a few years oflistening to everybody Talkn, I realize I'm not unique or different, I'm justlike everybody else. I got the same disease I like Everyhin. I know thisabout ten or fifteen people saying I'm not like you. No, you don't understandme and I said no see. That's the disease telling you your unique. The reason a works. The only reason Iworks is becausewe're. Like twins, I get up here and I say some sort ofbullshit. I just talked about. What's on my mind, the craziest fucking thingsin the world. I don't know. What's on my mind, ten people say you're talkingabout me. You know, I mean it'sthe only reason we come here. You know if youdon't come here to hear people talk about something we don't understand. Imean it just feels good to hear I'm not the only son of a bitch, crazy personon the planet. It somehow was theraputic. You know what I mean: There's not a Prih if you're crazy, ifyou want denifit, don't worry you're exactly where you're supposed to be soso the guy says to me, then we're insaying, an part of the insanity isnot knowing you're insane part of the insanity that we have. This disease isnot understanding how fucking crazy an evil. You are that's Puart of theinside. You know, don't feel so bad about this. I know it sounds bad, butthere's reliefis at hand. So that's part of the insect. That's why, afteryou get go through the first step, the second step is, and once again they say in Nice terms,came to believe that a power gratedg ourselves would we store us to sanity which, which an Oltteon the tolk Alkino.You know you know and alk. I Talk Outto you like at three o'clock in themorning when I got fifty thouzand voices going through my mind andthey're all bad shit about myself and other people. I talk to myself and Ow.I don't talk to myself in AASER and my mind says to me this: You are fuckingcrazy. I WAE EM O. I start going the showerand all sudden hear this voice, an says: You're an assalt. You are to killyourself, you'll, never get this thing. You know I talk out ki to myself. Youunderstand, I'm crazy, and so the second step doesn't say they say came to believe that a powergradn ourselves could restore us to sanity, which sounds very nice. Youknow what it's really trying to say. If youtranslate in alcist trying to say you're fucking crazy now it because the only way you can berestored to sanity is if you're insane aybody. I don't want to lose anybodyhere. You understand that you can't restore something to sanity.WHO's already got sanity, you restore people to Sandit who ere fucking, crazy,so hat the second step says is you're fucking crazy, but you don't thinkyou're crazy. You finally get to the fact and you'llget to the crazy part. Don't worry! All arcies eventually realize theyr crazy,because they're sober they get sober when you're sober and you're Naa anyou're, not hanging around the other crazies out there that telling youcrazy shit and all sort of stuff when you're sober- and you are confronted bysober people in alcohos and honest and dealing with life trustting unlessyou're totally brain dead or retarded somewhere along the way. You're goingto say to yourself. I am fucking nuts. It's going to have nothing to do withdrinking you're, going to realize you're, crazy, you'll, hear somebodyday as ban. I am crazy. You Real Yo you and ye. Let me now I'm going to tellyou something. The SAD news is: You may have to go through a lot of pain torealize how crazy you are. You may have to go through Maki by yourthird divorce. You'll realize your CRARSA or maybe after you go R broken.Maybe Yo have to make a lot of money, but yous Brok, all the time on o lag,your crazy or maybe you'll have to go to jail a few times to realize you'recrazy, because the problem is. Is that when you're a crazy Alcoholi, you thinkcrazy things and you don't give a shit about anybody except yourself? Whathappens is in this world over period of times? Bad Shit happens to you, eventhough you don't think yoy're great, I mean the world. You know the worldhas away the wor life is a humiliating experience. It's a humbling experience,so the guy comes up to me and dumps this problem on me. This veryincredible problem that he can't possibly figure out that's to do withhis girlfriend and heroin addeckt and rabbit, or I don't know what it is.It's just very complicated. There's a lot of people involved in driving themon you know, and...

...so he tells me what the problem now.Here's the good part good part of this. I, since I've been sover thirty nineyears, I've gone through a lot of Shit. You know my sponsors say when the Manicwit experience me to man with money to man with experience to walk away withthe money and the man with the money won't walk away with an experience.There's something about actually going through shit, sober that over period offive ten fifteen twenty years. It teaches you lessons. Sometimes you haveto go through the same shit. Listen! O Me! This is crazy. You may not believethis. Sometimes, if you're an alcoholic, it's true, no matter how smart you aresometimes wecause, you're smart you've got to go through the same problem overand over and over again boy before you say I think I fucking have a problem.You know yea, I know that's, I believe, that's true!It's Troe, and even when you recognize the problem, you say I got to stopdoing this shit and you realize it's creaty. You do it anyway for anothertwo years, because you know how to stop. It's I'm telling you it's. This is avery serious. I, your problemise, you don't an you'RE SOMALL! You don'trealize how serious this is, you think is a fun. This is a serious I so I sayto the guy so he's lucky, because this thing with the girlfriend and theheromin addict and the Rabbit you know in the gym and all that all bact crapI've actually over thirty nine years been through that fifty times I've been through the heroin girlfriendrabbit thing, fifty fiwere something very similar to the rabbid girl putthings fifty times and it was driving me nuts to but after, but on the on the fortiethtime after going to some guy and asking thimagain, what do I do with the girlfriend the Rabbit and whatever the hell? It is?It's trusting killing, be this guy said to me the answer told me the answer, thesponsor to me the answer, and I was in a position because I was tnow now'm GonThoug it about four times to actually hear what he was telling me and it started making sense to me and Istarted changing and now the rabbit girlfriend setmonster thing doesn't bother me anymore, so he came to the right guy because Iam the guy who knows the fucking answer to the rabbid girlfriend herobin thinghe came to the perfect guy to help him out with this. Pront he's only got twomonths, but he happened to luckily to Godthing, come to the perfect guy totell him about the the Haro wont out a girlfriend with thesex and the rabbit. You know what I mean, and now your probem may have nothing todo with heroine or girlfriends or boyfriend or rabbit it's probably withyou know I don't know a move or something who knows what it some sortof Diffen, but you got the same problem. It's just driving your nuts okay, so hecame to me and he asked me what do I do so, I'm an altbox, anonymous andsomewhere along the line, and this is gointo flow. It floors may somewhereong the line. My perception has changed to you ready for this that I, for someweird reason, actually give a shit about this guy. I care about him. I want to help him. I don't know how that happened. One day all I gave a shit was aboutmyself. My girlfriend said to me: I've told, isstory malion times I don't even tell the whole thing Yean my gofriend saidto me: I've been with you for year. I have to go up north to be with myparents, and I wust liukt yelling Er. What about me? What am I going to doChristmas and I just hiuhet? We have a big argument. An one day I turned from a person who Ionly gave a crap about me and to a person who I actually for somereason you shit about other people. Maybe it happened the first time I wasan NAM and probably happened. I didn't recognize, I didn't recognize the selflessness, I think it happened. Maybe the firstmonth I didn't recognize what it was because I had never felt it before. Iwas sitting in an a room and I was over about a month, maybe twomonths I don't know exactly what it was. But I remember this thing happened tome and- and I was only thesover a couple months and there was- and somebody asked the question is foreanybody here for their first leading and a guy raised his hand, have you ever been to an a meti wheresomebody says? Is there anybody here for the first man, the guy raises theirhands or Gowar the hand? Is it funny you know? Sometimes what happens whenthat happens? You know what happens the meeting Almus all of a sudden comes afirst tat. Maybe everybody starts talking Bon the first tem almost likethey care about thislike er about watand at the end of the meeting at theend of the meeting, they start handing out the medallions,the chips and they say. Does anybody want a white ship and you know whathappens and everybody does it they all look at that guy. I started looking atthat guy and in my mind, I'm saying in my mind I'm going pick it up pick it upand he picks it up and we all start...

...applauding and going crazy and I'mhappy. I don't even know this asshole he's not even payin my he's not evenpaying my visa bills and I'm like going nuts because I'mexcited because he picked up a white ship. It's almost like. I give a shit abouthim. I don't understand it. I don't understand that. I don't evenunderstand. I understand I'm feeling something that I've never fucking feltbefore in my entire line, love for another human being. Who cando nothing for me? I don't even understand that theprocess is already working and I'm already changing. All I know is that Iam so excited to this guy walk up to Mampa met and everything like that. So getting back to my friend, who's gotwhatever it is. Six months he's got the heroine girlfriend and the rabbid thingand whatever that thing is you know, so we askd me the question, so I Wenhyou know thirty, eight years, thirty ne e ND, thirty, six, whatever it doesn'tmatter when it happened. I because I care about him and because I absolutelyknow the answer, because I've been through it forty or fifty times. I give him the answer. I said we let meTay with the answers and I try to explain as clearly as I possibly can what the problem is with the herolingirlfriend. Whatever hell it is. You know, and I explained yeah and I hadthat problem and I explained the whole problem and the solution. I give him the exactsolution. Okay, and he says to me, you don't understand- I got thirty nine years. I've been doit fifty times he comes up because he wants to answer. I give him the bestfucking answer. I have. I give him the answer and he says to me: You don'tunderstand, and I realize now, if I, if I, if I wasonly migbe years, sover five years Olver, I probably try to yell at himscreaming at him explaining to Hem. It would get me all frustrated and thenI'd have to go to Allanon, because when, when people getfrustrated because alcoholics don't fucking understand and they go crazy,that's where they have to go, they have to go to Allama. We can't help. Wecan't help any people in with that. You got to go to Allanon because et as somedo with getting codependent and hetting your head against wall and acting stupid, not a reallyunderstanding whatever t hell. It is some sort of disease because peoplehave done shit, but so so what? But? Here's what I understand. What Iunderstand is I don't have to take that personally.It's not because he doesn't like me and it's not because I'm stupid right,don't now how O explainit it's! Because that's the point where he says youunderstand: That's where sobriety runs into insanity. That's the insanity of the disease.It's not even his fault, he just doesn't see it now. Sometimes I can try in some way toanswer his questions, maybe bring them around, but for the most part, what has tohappen with him and I unsens W is happen. I say: Well, okay, well, youknow this. This is what I think you think about to read something he mayhave to drink over it. He may have to go to jail. He may have to get in the ward he may have to lose. His Car Ho mayhave to something may have to happen. You understand what I'm saying I'll get a call from the jail he'll say you know. I think I wastalking about Isye. Well, I'm in jail, Ey, locked me up, Yo, said and they'llsay something like. I should have listened to you. You were right and that's how alcoholics learn aboutsobriety in jail or going through DIWARC or losing alltheir money, and that's how we learn about this deal, because if we don't,if that doesn't happen, because the disease, because our chiefcharacteristic is defiance, we think we're right. You don'tunderstand. I'm different you're stupid, don't tell me what to do and disease isso strong that the botom line is until somethinghappens. That's painful! You don't pay attention O, don't pay attention, which isprobably why I was sponsored by abusive, mean sponsors. That said terriblethings to me, because the truth of the matter is the only thing I ever paidattention to is when people said Shitty things to me I mean it's just true. Igo to meeting and ther be some idiot...

...talking e woe just piss the shit out ofme. You know, and just I get a resentment and O now who invited him tospeak. He doesn't know me who thetwas he to say this, that the other thingand I would walk out th, meting D. I think about that bastard for about you,know three or four days or five days and when an Asae an would buy them andhe doesn't know what he's talking about, and you know what happens with thatdeal. You either drink over that you need tho drink over that or youstart doing a forstep on a fith step and you talk to you sponsor Ang.Somehow you come to the end of that wher, you say holy Shit. The Guy isright. You know the guy is right. I do. I am scared. The guys right I am,I did do something Ik, you know what I mean and you know so, I'm so used topeople saying you know I used to hate you, but now I love you. So what does this all have to do with?Because people want to know what the step o? So I like talking about six andseven I'll, tell you why I like talking about six and seven. I know we'resuppose to be on ten or eleven or something like that, but I reas by theway I already discussed the ten. I already did TAT, but I did it back tothree. You know a I mean you have to go back to three and you may not rememberit, but I did it. You know, but I just don't do these things in order.You know I do Noy I do hem and so in Aven, so that brings back andhere's the problem. WHIC is why I like talking about six and seven, and thereason I like talkn about six and sevens is because I'm not involved in drinking. I don'tdrink anymore. Now I don't want to think that I'm saying I'm cured. I haverecovered from homistand body, but I absolutely know that if I don'tmaintain and grow ing my sobriety and and improve my conscious contact withGod, I can slip backwards and stop drinking again or stop being startbeing an asshole again or start wearying again whatever it is. I canstart doing that again. I'm not saying I don't understand that I'm not sayingI'm not in recopery or anything like that. What I am saying is that you have tounderstand my experience. Thirty, nine years ago I had a drinken problem. Icouldn't stop drinking. If I was going on a twelve step call now- and I wastalking to a guy who had a drinking problem, you understand what I'm saying I would.I would talk to him about. First, step t: I would talk to him my drinkingproblem. I would do that, but none nobody in here has a drinking problem. Nobody here has a drinking problem. I don't care you one day sober youdon't have a drinking problem. Your problem is that you might drinkagain. You have a Youve been you haverecovered right. Let me Tay you something if you, if you woke up thiswarning, you decide you're, not Goinnto have a drink. Today you said: I'm notgonna have a drink today or even if it wasn't, even that you didn't even thinkabout it. Ecuss e go to meeting and do this and you're here tonight, nyourself and you having a Driak trust me. You don't have a fucking drinkingproblem. You've recovered from the HOLEASI. Yougot T you recovered. The only the only way you're ever going to go back todrinking is. If you don't listen to the Shit,I'm talking about right now, because you won't have emotionalsurprise, you won't be emotionally sober, Yoswhat'll. Send you back to drinking. Is The worldly clambers? That's whatSeid, Bil Wilson, OP tacly drinking bat 'll, send you back to drinking. Is Thethisease that centers in your mind and not your body. You know what analcoholic you've heard thing craving ever evething crazy. You guys ar prey.I know what graving is you have one you Gott have aknother, you got a ever knowh, you got have another well when an alcohol has a month sober or six months,Ober were five years ober or twenty years sober and he drinks again. Hedoesn't drink because he's physically craving alcohol. The second before he drinks, he's physically sober. He drinks because of this disease whichsenses I my drinks because of the stuff. I'm talking about right now, and if you look at the suggestions, youknow the suggestions. They say that we're supposed to do part of thesuggestion. Twelve is six and seven, and I'm I want to suggest you thatinstep O six. It says it does say this. This is a step that separates the menfrom the wors. Doesn't it it doesn't say that in step three, wejust get down an your knees and you say the prayer and then you get up againand everything a lot of people drink out the step, threee a lot of peopledrink, ofter, step one. I used to see a guy see a guy withtwenty years drink. Let's say this I'd say: Oh, he obviously never took thefirst time yet right Guy Sober for twenty years going to meetings. Hedidn't take the first TEP IAS notit's, not the first step. It's not the thirdstep. I, the sixth step is the step thatseparates the men from the boyse. There is something in the sixth step. That'sOl, important...

...that it's the one that separates thememer of the boys and when you start understanding what the six step is allabout. You understand, thet, there's a lot of boys and very few men lot of boys very few men. The sixthstep is the thing that separates Mempho boys and by the way, the six step is astep that has to be repeated for a lifetime. That's the Dealit, the Sixste, and bythe way you know what at you know how you know whether somebody's Coun do inthe sixth step, because they are trying to grow in the image and likeness ofGod, because they shooting for perfection, because they're not becoming entirelereaded to get rid of the alcohol they're coming becoming antrily readyto get rid of their constant thinking about getting laid or romance er the blonde in the front row we're getting a new car or getting more money or looking better, the ranity stuff. You know they're becoming entirelyready to get rid of all the bullshit that you worry about after you stopdrinking the real addiction. You See, I dragg, because no woman, no MOU, noclothes, no, nothing ive worke, quite as well. A just ye drinks to make mefeel like a man wof make me feel good about myself, but the truth is all thatother shit works to and and the real crap is my addiction to this world andthe lust of this world. You Know Bill Wilson Says Great Line. I have it hereon my phone. Luckily, I sav it in DTOR, BA in as Bill Seas. It I want to read this toyou. It's called the Forgotten Mountain Forgotten Mountain, what it as on page one hundred, if youwant to look it up t as Billusin when I was a child, I acquired some of thetraits that had a lot to do with my insatiable craving for alcohol when he was a child before you startddrinking, I was brought up in a little town inVermont under the shadow of Mount Aolus and early recollection, is that oflooking up at the vast, thisvast and mysterious mountain wondering what itmeant and whether I could ever climb that high, but I was presently distracted by myaunt, who was a fourth birthday present made me a plate of fudge for the next thirty five years. Ipursued the fudge of life and quite forgot about the mountain man. I'll tell you something. If youlive in this world and you're an alcoholic, you understand what the fuckof life is. I mean, what's your: What's the whatdor you worry about, you worry about whether you're in a romanticrelationship. Youre, worried about men or women or you'R, worried about therabbit or the the galons look. Don Heroin and you're worried about yourboyfriend you're worried about the job you worried about the money. What d youworried about the car? What kind of car you driving what you're werried about?I mean. What are you worried about what what's your anxiety, beuit's tnot aboutGod? What are you worried about? You justworried about Shit, you're, worried about the fig you worried about stuff.That's your complaint! You're! Going up to your sponsor your complaining! Idon't have a sex life have got late in two years. You know I nobody loves me.You know I'm all alone. When I'm I gonna get a Bo. What am I going to bewealthy? You know, when are people going to stop talking about what I'mMik you're just worried about you're just worried about bullshit worried about like w sponsor said to meone, that's my one of all my sponsors. He says he says. The reason you WIK gotto get upset is because you're accetable everything in this world ISET, youanything happens, I'MSA. It's all about this world and things of this world andwhat you have and what you mean you lose and all the stuff. You think youneed, and I told the story Allo. You know. I read a played my magazine. Isaw a nude woman and I said that's the secret of life. I can only have one ofthose you know it's far getting to play with money when you're fifteen yearsold, you know, are getting one of those, but you get so you just you just sortof fantasize over it. I'm an alcohol have a great fantasy like Youin fanes,O penisi. So then, then he got a fanasize over a car because I'm justtonkin the way. I think you know think of t this, possibly that there'ssomebody else who thinks this way. So you fatasize over a car, because if Iget a car, a really nice car, like a bet or Comaro in I like the maybe I canget the girl and then maybe I'll be okay. You know so I get the car on aget in the car and the car makes me feel like I'm red pit Ta Car Allsudden. I think I'mBradpait, I get the girl. I got the girl in the car now I know Inm breadpit, you know what I mean get the girl. I got the car get the job now I knowI'm Reh and then and then I get all the stuff around me. That tells me I'm okay,now I'm just as good but there's a problem, because somehow, when I getall the stuff around me through later...

...it'slike a used girl like he used car it never quite isn't.I never can wi get the combination of the stuff in my life, where it's it'llstand still and make me feel good. Somehow the fucking disease comes back.I don't know what it is somehow, no matter how many women I getin there and how many cars are Gettin there and how manty and you got to keepon doing it and then, after you do it, you got to worry about it like the carneeds be tires and the woman sometimes she'll talk you and say Shit. You knowwhat I mean, and you know I hate when that happens. You know what I mean like.Why don't you take out the garbage or stuffing know you know what it's likeyou're married, you know what it is I mean she was gorgeous. I married ar shewas Gong. Now it's like ticke out the garbage. What are your eys broken andshit and Youi mean it's like guys? It's terrible! I'm telling you!You know you get mad, these beautiful women, he sexis braing the get marriedthens all about bring Om the money and give me this and take out the garbage-and you know you're the worst husband in the world and you know you've, nevergotten sower, you devn tat, you're, you Ond, like you're, better when you weredrinking you gat, it's like I mean how do you? How do you deal with life? Theynever like. It's never like perfect, some guy bounces a check on you wy.Would you doll check on you a three years ober? You know a bounce, a fivehundred dollar check on you, you're, just you just live in you're, going notsome you're, not drinking you. Just you just keep on thinking of you like howyou want to kill him, kill his wife, rapers dog, blow off his house and Kn,I'm just thinking all SOS of Bullshit. You know what I mean because hedeserves it. You know and it's ont of a bitch and how you going to do it andyou go up to your sponsor and you tell them all about it and he says you saidwell. How would you feel if it didn't botheryou and you look at him. You say ecause O on understand what HEU's talkingabout becaus. This guys, like that's problem with sponsors, are sostupid. I meano really ecats the bar in the bar. Believe me. If I told the guysin the bar that the guy dons fivein dollar check me, they wouldn't say howwould you feel if they would say things like guys, an Asshole, you got to killhim an you know what I mean yeah. I date him tohedid. Give me at a give meanother fucking drink. You know you know, but but my sponsor said well,how would you feel if it didn't bother you an? I said: What do you mean because, because here's, the problemhe's sober he's talking and thinking sober, which is a language I don'tunderstand, and I'm insane when sobriety meets insanity? Nothing.It's forget. It's like he stolk Te Checkes Tho Bokin. I don't understandso he just how it to feel didn't bother you and I say what are you talking about.He said: How would you feel if it didn't bother, because when I don't realize what I'mtalking about is I'm not talking about the five und dollars? Five hundreddollars gone, I've never been to gin the five dollars back. The five hundreddollars is gone. I'm never going to get the five hundred dollars back. I'mtalking about the fact that I am going fucking, crazy and driving myself crazyand not even realizing that, no matter how much I think about the fivehmsolves, how much I hate them! It's actually not going to appear in mychecking account I'm talking about the fact that I ammad. I am angry. I can't get rid of it. I can't sleep at ight. All I jus thinkabout it. Now I don't realize that's what I'm saying to him, but he realizesthat's what I'm. What I'm saying to he knows I'm talking about the woman withthe hero wit, the Rabit. He knows what I'm talking about because he's beenthrough it. I don't know that I'm saying Shit Him, like you, don'tunderstand, you know what I mean, because I don't understand what he'ssaying to me, because it's not makg any sense. I'm saying tha go bound fiveHudredoll Hes, saying well how Ou you feel if it didn't happen to you, Idon't even understand the fucking question. He says if it didn't bother you, howwould you feel I said? I'm sorry we're not to me. I don'tunderstand the question. This is true, thiss an actual conversation. I said, Iunderstand what you're saying he says. If it didn't bother you, how would youfeel that's what you mean if it didn't bother me that he bounced the pots allCheng, he says yeah, I didn't bother ifand. I repeated I say if it didn't bother me, how would howwould I feel about o? If it didn't bother me says yeah bit, didn't botheryou if it didn't bother you, how would you feel I said? Well, it didn't botherme. I feel fine. He goes there. You Go. I still don't understand what he'stalking about. I go up to rail. Keep on nine years,ober by now, ie figured out. I was supposed to be a millionaire. You know,I'm a high earner, I'm EAN pretty good money, an nine years without drinkingI'm supposed to be a millionaire and I'm broke again. I didn't quite understand that when youspend money spend more money than you make you gointo debt. Did you know that I didn't...

...know that Yeu know I'm the guy. I spend money. Idon't have my shit. I don't need to impress peolet. I don't like, because Ilike people to think I'm like a big shot and the reason I like people think I'ma big shot is because I worry about what they think about me, because I'mscared of their judgment and I want. I want them to think I'm a great guy andtell everybody else, I'm a great guy, that's called by the way fear of people,but I don't think that that's the problem, because I'm constantly tellingmyself, I don't give a shit when anybody thinks about me becausealcoholics, you know the truth, you know you can't handle the truth. Sowhat happens is even though we're crazy, we cand constantly what happens is thisis a disease of Denial Tho we reasonallyy, we usually don't think so.So we, even though our whole life is run by Worrind, about what people thinkabout us. You know what I mean. How will I look? If I do this? How will Ilook if I do that? Well, I do if I do this, what do I do? Even after we getsober we're constantly telling ourselves that we don't give a shit,Wat, othe, Peope, think about us, so the bottlmliss we stay in the samefucking, crazy position and we never changed because we because the firststeme on getting out of Jy, I know you're in Jenl in the first place, andyou don't even realize how crazy you are and how selfish you are and howmuch you worried about what other people think about you and that's yourmotivation for doing the shit. You do because you just don't see it becauseyou think you really don't give a shit while other people think about you. Andso, even though your sponsors telling you wet once you get rid of theCATTALLAC and get yourself a used car, you know what I mean because it's costyou six hundred dllars a month, you're thinking, Yoursta that ain't going tohappen. I'M OTA GET RID OF MY CATALAC, I'm a lawyer, I'm Getin re Y Cala and-and I and I don't even know why it's not going to happen but somewhere in the back of my mind,I'm saying to myself Youve rid of my CADALLAC. What are people going tothink? Because I'm worried about what you gontthink about me, and I also know that all you do all day is think about me. I got that other alcohol paranoid thing.I think you're actually thinking about me doing that Shit, you know, and so, and so I go up to Ral Keef andI'm broke again and I'm on Hese Lon Porntis, just right up there withoxygen and okay. Well A so. I got to rail peopl and Isay this istheres another five you bounce find yo like got the roul beef,see the old timers. The guys have been through this. They know all this shit,but it doesn't matter that they know all thes Shit doesn't matter that. AskHim about this shit because doesn't matter because, no matter what theytell me, I say you don't understand, because I'm insane, because I've gotthis disease, so I'm fighting they're trying to pull me over to the Jecklislock inside and I'm trying to please I'm thinking Olke here. You know I'mthinking alhe here I don't even know I'm thinking out cause. I don't evenknow what alcoholism is. I think you're ready for this, that it had somethingto do with drinking I've been going t these Sam eatings all they dos talkabout, don't trink unless your airs falls off pick up, Wich Ipe, it's allabout the draking and nobody's talking about the insanity. Nobody's talk about. What's reallygoing on with me, so I walk out of these leans. I feel good, I don't drink,but I don't understand why I'm still a fucking idiot telling myself I'm an asshole now tokill my. I don't understand why I feel the way. I feel why I feel so insufficient and uselessand worthless, and so I go up to rail Keith and I saidto him: When am I gonna be financially secure course, there's apromise in the big OOK, it says: Fear, people and Financial Insecurity willleave you, and I know how financial and security will leave me becausesomebody's Goin ta done twenty million dollars on me and then I won't befinancclly Insecuri. You get that if you're rich you're, not financiallyansecure, so I say to rail, keep was like thirty years in time. When am I going to be financiallysecure and he says what are you talking about and I say and I've got like nine yearsnow he's got like thirty, I said the promises. I said I've been doing thisfor like nine years, I'm doing this by the numbers, I'm sponsoring all sortsof people, I'm doing step series around to I'm doing this shit around down.I've already been the INTEGROUT BANKUET Chairman Two Beers, an wrong. I meanI'm not like one of these guys, I'm not doing this shit, I'm doing all thisstuff. So I'm saying where's tothin because ie how come I'm still worried about money?What's going on with this deal, and he says what he ta, he says: What am Igoing to be financially secure, hias? I Don' Ven understand what you'retalking about so we yo you know the promises. This is what promises, whatpromises Theyr meedimg an every means, they'll, probably readin this medi, weread the promises you're going to read in this meating, I'm telling you it'sright in there, I'm not stupid. Ive read it. It said he says what Promiseisthe probems he says. Read it to me and...

I read it to him. He's trying to callme, as is fear of people and Financial Insecurity. Wel lieve, you it ays! Yes,yes, Russell! The fear will leave you e Jus. You will always be Brok, it just won't bother you I'm nine years Ol when I was when I wasone year two years over when the guy downs to five und dollar check on meand my sponsor said he said basically the same thing and he said how wouldyou feel if it didn't bother you and I' understand what he was talkingthen, and I said I feel fine, he says thereyou go. How can you feel fine when somebody andthere's round Kee, he says you'll always be broke? He saysn't just won'tbother you. How could that not bother you? Well, it's going to always bother youwhen you're, when you're always chasing the fludge, when everything about you and who youthink you one, what you think is important has to do with how much moneyyou have and what's in Temet it will always bother you. So you say how do Istop that deal? Why don't you just ask me? How do youstop turning him? You don't know how to stop drinking, not person here to knows how to stopdrinking. You really don't you think you know,you think, go to Aa and do the Gidnd you'll stop drinking. Some people doand some people don't most of people, don't even know whythey stopp e. You know it's like telling something you guy can't stopdrinking. How do I stop drinking you'll say: Go TOA because, that's all youknow what to say, get down. Youyou shall say all the Wright stuff and someofhem will stop drinking, but you don't know why they stop drinking. I can tell you this. It has nothingwith you has to do with God. This whole thing as till with dode. That's why they say. The great fact isis nothing less. The gods become the sendpiece o the whole thing as e.that's what these that's, what the six step is about becoming entirely readyto have, God remove all these thing types of pact, so you want to know howto get rid of all this stuff. You got to get to the point where youhumble yourself, and you get the point where you become entilerratea. Have Godget rid of it because you can't get rid of it, because you'll always worry about thefive hundred dollars, because you're always worried about being broke. You have as much idea as to how how toget rid of the fear of being broke or the fear of losing your car or the fearof blosing your life or the fear of not b having a partner in your life or, ifYouve not had you have as much knowledge abhout how to do that as youhad to do with. How do you stop drinking? It's an addiction, they're alladdiction, they're, all addictions, the fudge of this World Bill Wilson Sandn.He said he said for thirty five years. I chased the pudge in this world. It's just another. It's just another.It's just alcohol ind a different form. It's just me sitting in a room lookingat the blonde in the front rol an not paying any attention to what the guyissaying and turn to my sponte and say: Look at that gown and doing it all my life. Look at thatGow and he says to me: He says what you used to drink rus and I sayJamebi Scotch. He says you see that blond the front Roise as yet, for youthat's a bottle of jmb Scotch with legs, but how d you get rid of that? How doyou get rid of that when you don't want to get rid of it? A D you don't eventhink the problem as a matter of fact, you're lusting after that, just likeyou' listed after a bottle of Scotch, and you can envision a life withoutdrinking how you can't ivision a life without going after the sex. You CantNvision Life Withhout, going after money, it's the exact same disease, butwith the things of this world, and all you have is a giant world full ofmirrors telling you how insufficient you are. If you on have that stuff, youturn on the TV there's a there's, a commercial about Viagra, saying whenyou're nine years old, you should be having a hard on for four hours orsomething or else your a piece of shit. You know you turn on you every everyevery mov you go to says you got to have this got. My wife is at all rightnow, she's on her eight hour of the fucking hollmark channel. You know Imean or the lifetime channel. You know you guys haven't Watche, let you got taget married. I get Marre, you AV, watch lifetime channel trust me. It's thesame story, overan alright, over with different gorgeous people. You knowwhat I mean: they all find love they lose love. They find it again, the mostbeautiful romantic thing. It's like it's all about the romance and the guyand the GAW and the vanity and the pretty and the handsome in the car andthe money. It's all about the American dream, bullshit en. Really that's whatyou think about all the time, while you're an alcoholics anonymous on asobriety deal so to me, the sixth and seven step ofthe real engine. Here, it's the real...

...thing that keeps you sober. You know Ilove. The line of Jesus Seisad in this world will have problems witl de a goodcheer. I have overcome the world. How do you overcome the world? How do youovercome everything of this world? That's trying to ask you. What do youdo for living? How much money you have? What kind of car do you drive? You know?Are You married and you'r saying we, you have any kid: How do you overcomethat Shit? That's all that Shit. You judge yourself by all that stuff. You judge about you you're constantlysaying to myself. How am I doing and you're always coming up short? You know, above everything we must get rid ofthis selfishness. We must ar kills us God makes that possible. How do you do that with e group ofpeople? That really don't want to do this that'd say: Well, I'm spiritual, notreligious. They put down Gon, even though they have book that says we loseall pregents an he a sonie relation. I see where he's right. wreligious peopleare right. We encourage Church remembership. How do you do? How do you?How do you handle situation with the only answer is putting your entirefaith in God. So you know no matter what happens money, no, no money, jobor no job, wife or Noj, wife. Whatever it is, you know, there's a God therethat if you do the things he wants you to do is basically openother. Otherpeople everything's going to work out. There's not gonna BE AA problem. How doyou do that with a group people that just don't want to believe that becausethey don't want to they don't want to stop drinking, they don't want to stopdruggand, then don't want to stop lusting. They don't want to stop doingany of this stuff. You know, I really don't know I don't know. Iknow that over a period of years I've done pounds don enough, so I've got sothe put were that's my deal. That's my dea and I still got a long ways to gobecause I'm not I'm not what I'm not no hundred per sent curityet or anything,and so all I do is I come here, and I tell my story: Is that what it says?What does it said says our stories disclose in John Way? Wut We used to belike what Happenen, so I get up here and I tell my story right because its eet Om the story, aOu stories- are we're all the same, but we're all unique with our stories. So Itell my story sometiy ask me what Stepar you want step on Min they're all in there. Every step you need is in that story. Ijust told him from one all the way through to twelve.It's all that story. It's just there. I On't now how toexplain it to you now, depending on where you're at you may GE te tendsthat e they love Yo Mase at the first tep thee. You know different peoplehere different things, dependin on where they're at O, what they're ready to receive it one. You may not hear anything. Fiveyears now after I'm dead and gone, or something like that, you might hearsomebody else say the same thing, I'm saying tonight and Alsson say man. Iget it now, you're ready to hear it ye, but my job is not to carried the message. I learned this long time ago. You thinkmy job was to car message, like you guys all had o like me, O understandme.My job is just try to carry the message. All you do is tryhave no POWR to canthats. All I do is I get up here. This could be the worst day I mean ive eerdone in my life. It's the best one. I can do tonight January first, first oneI so I just do the best job. I can't tonight tellhing mych story WBAT. Mydeal is and whatever happens after. That is really it's in your hand, SomGod's hands. So thank you very much.

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