AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 7 · 2 years ago

Russell S - When Sobriety Meets Insanity @ West Dixie Club 2019-2020 #10

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

WHOA. I did this on purpose. When you get old you like jewel and slobber a lot, you know, and talk a little bit about that. So I did that. I did this because I forget. This would help you guys be some sort of spiritual thing that I'll go into. My name is Russell. I'm an alcoholic. I remember the south. That's what happened. I was I was drinking coffee and I don't know, I just thought of something. I started laughing. While I don't laugh. What's up? You don't know what it's like. Don't laugh. Don't laugh with coffee in your mouth. It's terrible. So I'm remember the South Dixie Group and I have found that shot. I have a drink since January twenty five, one thousand nine hundred eighty one. So this is my birthday month, you know, and right. Well, thank you very much. I appreciate it. So thirty nine years of dealing with this disease was entered in my mind, not my B I recovered from a hopeless state of month. You know, that not drinking thing. Anybody ever, anybody coming here because they couldn't stop drinking a drugon that kind of deal. I recover from that thirty nine years ago. It was a hopeless state of mind, the body. I couldn't stop drinking, and out there they don't understand that. You go up to somebody out there and you said I couldn't stop drinking it, then you're talking about in here they do. But I re covered from that hopeless state of mind, the body thirty nine years ago, and so I've been dealing with the the real the the dis ease, and so that's something to talk about to you know what I walked in here, somebody asked me, said what step you want? I didn't take up this. This what do you call the service commitment to be interrogated? You know, you know, why is it that people actually they're people, actually, I think people. Why do people predate under why do they think that I actually know what I'm going to say before I sit here? I mean, that's an interesting deal. You said, then we must know what he's going to talk about right. That's because that's because alcoholics are scared all the time. They're fearful and they're scared. That's why, when you're asking alcoholic when he first comes in, you're going to do the meaning. They say things like I'm not ready, which is an alcoholic way of saying I'm scared. You know, I don't know what to say. You know. So when you're new and you're scared, which you're going to be dealing with, the fear thing. It's the corrosive thread that runs through it. Don't believe me. Believe the big book. By the way, the one thing I will tell you is, and I'm just going to say these are things I've learned about myself and my alcoholism over the last thirty nine years, and I've learned them not necessarily because I read them in a book, although you can that could help. You could read them in a book, not necessarily because I heard him from a sponsor, because it's not necessarily that you're going to believe what a sponsor says. You know, you know, you know our typical reaction to a sponsor. We say something. You know. So a guy comes up to me and he's got like six months and he asked me a question about something that's bothering them, because it's really driving them nuts. You never have anything that's bothering you. Something that's bothering you and you just can't figure it out and you're thinking about it all the time and it's just the something that happened in your life. You know, maybe it's money, maybe it's sex, maybe it's romance, maybe it's who knows, maybe it's your job. So you just can't put it together. So you go up to your sponsor and all the members. So he comes up to me and he tells me about the problem. He says, I have a problem that I talk to us. Say Sure, and he tells me about the problem and I listened to the problem and here's the deal. I've been if you've been sober for a while, I've been so far. One of the way it's what it says in the big book is it says the way we get a new perspective, says the some twelve and twelve, the way you got a new perspective on step's six and seven, I think it's seven, and say the way we got a new perspective. Everybody in here is a new perspective on things. I'm whether you believe it or not, you do. You know you have a new perspective. You think differently. I don't even care if you have one month. You think differently, you see things differently than you did. You know, before you stop drinking, you know you have seventeen years. So you think differently than you did when you eighteen years ago. Right, you even think differently than you did a week ago. So you're constantly your so the way we get a new perspective. And so what I'm saying is the literature is correct, even though, see, one of the things you learned is you go along in life as you learned that. The literature is absolutely one hundred percent correct, even though you don't think so. I mean the literature,...

Princess Literature, says you're selfish and your self centered. That's not me saying that. I mean I'm saying that you are. You're selfish and self centered. If I was your sponsor, I would say you don't give a shit about any another way of saying the literature is very nice. We've talked about the very nice alcoholics. It doesn't really want to offend us. The literatures right nize. It says things like yourself. The real basis of your disease. You're selfish and yourself centered. You're driven by a hundred forms of fear, selfdelusion, selfseeking. You stuff on the topes of others. They retaliate seemingly without provocation. But you we sern soon learn that an alcohol alcohol. We're hurt because we made decisions based upon our self, which puts it in a position to be heard. Because the real deal is that we're self will run riot, which means all we care about is ourself. It would means to ASELF. We do what we want to do, you know, and though we really usually doesn't think so. That's that's what the literature says. Your real disease is not the drink of the drinkings, but a symptom of the disease. Real disease is your thinking that your self. Now what that means in Alky Talk? I'm going to talk Al Kay now. I'm not to talk a a talking talk alcy, though, but it means that you don't give a fine fuck about anybody except yourself. You could give a shit about anybody. You will kill, run over people, Steal, rob to get grown way, and the only time you're pissed off is when you're not getting your way. You don't give a shit about anybody except yourself. And and here's the other thing it means. It means that you think that I'm wrong. You see, that's what it means is you usually don't think so. See, that's the truth. Is You're fucking evil. The truth is your evil. You do evil things and you hurt people. And the second truth is you don't think you're evil. You think you're basically a good person. You understand saying and you think I'd like overstating the deal. One day, after years of going through the vagaries of life and having getting getting going through the process, it's like it's like a process. I hate the word, but it is. It's like you go through the process of not so much the sponsor telling you what to do, which is usually correct, and not so much the book telling you what to do, which you read and you throw away and say, yeah, but that's not really me. Not so much all that, but when you go through the process of repeated humiliations, you remember why you came into alcoholics. Anonymous come with alcohol sounds because some sponsor said you're an alcohol it came with alcoholics because you were somehow in your life crushed, what to repeated humiliations and the final crushing of your self sufficiency. You were crushed. You actually became you did the six step on it. You actually became entirely ready to have God or somebody remove the alcohol. That's why you came in, because you became entirely ready. I've got removed all the alcohol. So you were willing to go to any length to get that deal. Okay, you became mentally ready, and it be. And so what will happen is you will. So you got it. You did whatever you had to do. It says, if you want, we have and you won't. We got to any length. You won't go to any length to stop drinking because you became entirely ready. And you became entirely ready because you got so crushed you never wanted to drink again. That's what happened to you. So you and God delivered and happen. You't even know how wide. How you know is one day you were drinking, one day you couldn't stop drinking. One day you know you couldn't been vision a life without drinking. The next day all of a sudden you stop drinking. I mean, what the Hell? What? You did everything you can to try to stop drinking good and stop drinking. One day, the next day you stop drinking and you can't visional drinking again. I mean what have you don't even know what happened because you have nothing to do with it. Don't you had to do with this be around of the planet breathing. So you got so crushed that you became entirely ready, and then you think you're sort of like cured. But that's really not even the disease. You don't even know that's disease. That's not even the disease. That's just the symptom of disease. It's a hell of a symptom. It'll get you into jail and everything like that, but it's not even the disease. Send there's in your mind, not your body, and it has to do with, for lack of a better term, being a selfish person and only give me a shit about yourself and nobody else. And but how can you battle something like that when you don't think they're selfish, for step and getting out of jails, knowing your jail in the first place? How you going to stop drinking what you don't think you have a drink prop how you going to stop worning around, lusting, you know, spending money you don't have and buying shit you don't need to impress people. You don't like because you know, you just got to be a big shot and you always want the attention and all the other shit. The real prob how do you deal with the DIS ease, the real addictions of this world that, in the sense, sort of drove you to drink? You know, how do you? How do you get rid of that? You know, and you got to go through the same process, the same process. And how? And the problem with the process,...

...the same process, where you get where you get crushed and crushed and crushed over over period of one month, one year, two years, five years, ten years, fifteen years, same bullshit over and over own again. You didn't get sober just because you had a bad batch of ice the first week you drank. You know, you had to do it. You know, I had to heard a lot of people over a long period of time. You know, because your mind, because you're insane. I know you're insane, just the book says you're insane. I know you're saying because I'm insane and one of the old ideas I have is that nobody under could understand, because I'm so unique and I'm so different than I come in here and after a few years of listening to everybody talk, I realize I'm not unique or different. I'm just like everybody else. I got the same disease. I like everything. I know this about ten or fifteen people saying I'm not like you, you don't understand me, and I said no, see, that's the disease telling you your unique. The reason a works, the only reason a works, is because we're like twins. I get up here and I say some sort of bullshit. I just talked about what's on my mind. The craziest fucking things in the world. I don't about what's on my mind. Ten people say you're talking about me. You know, I mean, it's the only reason we come here. You know, we don't come here to hear people talk about something we don't understand. I mean it just feels good to hear I'm not the only son of a bitch crazy person on the planet. It's somehow. It was therapeutic, you know what I mean. There's not a price if you're crazy. If you want to denify, I don't worry. You're exactly where you're supposed to be. So so the guy says to me. Then we're insane and part of the insanity is not knowing you're insane. Part of the insanity that we have this disease is not understanding how fucking crazy and evil you are. That's part of the insideity. You know, don't feel so bad about this. I know it sounds bad, but there's relief is at hand. So that's part of the insect. That's why, after you get go through the first step, the second step is it. And once again they say it in Nice terms. Came to believe that a power greater in ourselves could we store us to sanity, which which in alky. I'm to talk Alki now. You know. You know and Alky. I talked Alky, like at three o'clock in the morning when I got fiftyzero voices going through my mind, and they're all bad shit about myself and other people. I talked to myself, an alkie. I don't talk to myself in ASA, and my mind says to me this, you are fucking crazy. I wake up, I started going the shower and Alside to hear the voice says you're an Assholt, you ought to kill yourself. You'll ever get this thing. You know I talked alky to myself. You understand I'm crazy. And so the second step doesn't say. They say came to believe that a power greater ourselves could restore us to sanity, which sounds very nice. You know what it's really trying to say if you translate and Dalkis trying to say you're fucking crazy. Now it because the only way you can be restored to sanity is if you're insane. Anybody, I don't want to lose anybody here. You understand that. You can't restore something to sanity who's already got sanity. You restore people to sanity who are fucking crazy. So with the second step says is you're fucking crazy, but you don't think you're crazy. You finally get to the fact and you'll get to the crazy part. Don't worry all Ikey's eventually realize that crazy because they're sober. They get sober when you're sober and you're in AA and you're not hanging around the other crazies out there that telling you crazy shit and all that sort of stuff. When you're sober and you are confronted by sober people in alcoholics anonymous and dealing with life, trust me, unless you're totally brain dead or retarded, somewhere along the way you're going to say to yourself, I am fucking nuts. It's gonna have nothing to do with drinking. You're going to realize you're crazy. You'll hear somebody else is man, I am crazy. You'll really and yeah, let me now, I'm going to tell you something. Sad. News is, you may have to go through a lot of pain to realize how crazy you are. You may have to go through maybe buy your third divorce, you'll realize you're crazy. Or maybe after you go prett broken, maybe after make a lot of money but guess, broke all the time, you realize you're crazy. Or maybe you'll have to go to jail a few times to realize you're crazy, because the problem is is that when you're crazy alcoholic, you think crazy things and you don't give a shit about anybody except yourself. What happens is in this world, over period of times, bad shit happens to you, even though you don't think you're crazy. I mean the world, you know, the world has a way. The life is a humiliating experience. It's a humbling experience. So the guy comes up to me and dumps this problem on me. This is very incredible problem that he can't possibly figure out. That's to do with his girlfriend and a heroin addict and a rabbit or I don't know what it is. It's just very complicated and there's a lot of people involved in it driving the months,...

...you know. And so he tells me what the problem. Now here's the good part. Good part is this. Since I'VE BEEN SOBER THIRTY NINE YEARS, I've gone through a lot of Shit. You know, my sponsors say, with the Manux with experience, meet the man with money, the man with experience and walk away with the money and the man with the money will walked away with an experience. There's something about actually going through shit sober that over a period of five, ten, fifteen, twenty years, it teaches you lessons. Sometimes you have to go through the same shit. Listen to me, this is crazy. You may not believe this sometimes if you're an alcoholic, it's true. No matter how smart you are, sometimes we cast you're smart. You've got to go through the same problem over and over and over again. Boy, for you say, then I think I fucking have a problem. You know, you're I know that's I believe it. That's true. It's true. And even when you recognize the problem, you say I got to stop doing this shit and you realize it's crazy, you do it anyway for another two years because you don't how to stop. It's I'm telling you, this is a very serious is your problems. You don't see your smile. You don't realize how seriousness is. Do you think this is fun? This is a serious is it? So I say to the guy. So He's lucky, because this thing with a girlfriend, that the heroin addict and the rabbit, you know, when the Ja and all that's all that crap. I've actually, over thirty nine years, been through that fifty times. I've been through the heroine girlfriend rabbit thing fifty times, or something very similar to the rabbit girl that thinks that, fifty times and it was driving me nuts too. But after but on the on the forty time, after going to some guy and asking him again, what do I do with the girlfriend, the Rabbit and whatever the hell it is, it's trust and killing me. This guy said to me the answer, told me the answer, the sponsor told me the answer and I was in a position because I was now I've now gone through it about forty times to actually hear what he was telling me and it started making sense to me and I started changing, and now the rabbit, girlfriend, sex, monster think doesn't bother me anymore. So he came to the right guy, because I am the guy who knows the fucking answer to the rabbit, girlfriend heroine thing. He came to the perfect guy to help him out with this rock. He's only got two months, but he happened to luckily, so God thing comes to the perfect guy to tell him about the the heroin out of girlfriend, with the sex and the rabbit, you know what I mean. And now your problem may have nothing to do with heroin or girlfriend or a boyfriend or a rabbit. It's probably with you know, I don't know. A moves to something, who knows what? It's some sort of different but it's you got the same problem. It's just driving your nuts. You can't. So he came to me and he asked me what do I do? So I'm in alcoholics anonymous and somewhere along the line, and this is going to float at floors may somewhere along the line my perception has changed to you ready for this, that I, for some weird reason, actually give a shit about this guy. I care about them, I want to help him. I don't know how that happened. One day all I gave a shit was about myself. My girlfriend said to me. I've told the story manion times. I won't even tell the whole thing again, but girlfriend said to me, I've been with you for a year. I have to go up north to people with my parents, and I start yelling at her. What about me? What am I going to do Christmas? And I start we have a big argument and one day I turned from a person who I only give a crap about me and to a person who I actually, for some reason, give a shit about other people. Maybe it happened the first time I was in an a meeting. Probably happened I didn't recognize. I didn't recognize the selflessness. I think it happened maybe the first month. I didn't recognize what it was because I had never felt it before. I was sitting in an a room and I was sober about a month, maybe two months. I don't know exactly what it was, but I remember this happened to me and and and I was only the sober couple months and there was and somebody asked a question, is there anybody here for their first meeting? And a guy raised his hand. Have you ever been to an a meeting where somebody says, is there anybody here for the first thing? That guy raises their hand? Or Guy Raising hand? Is that funny? You know sometimes what happens when that happens, you know what happens. The meeting all but all of a sudden becomes a first step meeting. Everybody starts starting by the first step, almost like they care about this, like they care about what happens, though, and at the end of the meeting, at the end of the meeting, they start handing out the medallions, the chips, and they say, does anybody want a white chip? And you know what happens, and everybody does it. They all look at that guy. I started looking at that guy and in my mind I'm saying, in my mind, I'm going pick it up, pick it up, and he picks it up and we all start a...

...plauding and going crazy and I'm happy. I don't even know this asshole. He's not even paying my he's not even paying my visa bills, and I'm like going nuts because I'm excited because he picked up a white chip. It's almost like I give a shit about them. I don't understand it. I don't understand that. I don't even understand I understand I'm feeling something that I've never fucking felt before in my entire life, love for another human being who can do nothing for me. I don't even understand that. The process is already working and I'm already changing. All I know is that I am so excited to this guy walk up to him at me and me like that. So getting back to my friends, who's got whatever it is six months he's got the heroine girlfriend and the rabid thing and whatever that thing is, you know. So we asked me the question. So I with, you know, thirty eight years, thirty nine, thirty six, whatever, it doesn't matter what it happened. I because I care about him and because I absolutely know the answer, because I've been through it forty or fifty times. I give him the answer. I said, well, let me tell you what the answers and I try to explain as clearly as I possibly can what the problem is with the heroin girlfriend, whatever hell it is, you know, and I explain. Yeah, and I had that problem and I explain the whole problem and the solution. I give him the exact solution, okay, and he says to me, you don't understand. I got thirty nine years, I've been through it fifty times. It comes up because he wants to answer. I give him the best fucking answer I have. I give him the answer and he says to me, you don't understand. And I realize now if I, if I, if I was only might be three years ober, five years ober, I probably try to yell at him, screaming at him, explain it to him. It would get me all frustrated and then I'd have to go to Alan on, because when, when? When people get frustrated because alcoholics don't fucking understand and they go crazy, that's where they have to go. They have to go to Alanon. We can't help we can't help the people in with that. You got to go to Alan on because it has something with being codependent and getting your head against the wall and I think stupid, not really understanding and whatever. Hell, it is some sort of disease because people have to understood. But so so what? But here's what I understand. What I understand is I don't have to take that personally. It's not because he doesn't like me and it's not because I'm stupid or I don't know how to explain it. It's because that's the point where he says you don't understand. That's where sobriety runs into insanity. That's the insanity of the disease. It's not even his fault, he just doesn't see it. Now sometimes I can try in some way. They answer his questions, maybe bring him around, but for the most part what has to happen with him and I incense with as happen. I say, well, okay, well, you know this, this is what I think. You think about. To read something, he may have to drink over it, he may have to go to jail, he may have to go to divorce, he may have to lose his car, he may have to something may have to happen. You understand what I'm saying? And I'll get a call from the jail. They'll say, you know, I think I was talking about as well, I'm in jail. They locked me up, he said, and he'll say something like I should have listened to you. You were right, and that's how alcoholics learn about sobriety. In jail or going through a divorce or losing all their money. And that's how we learn about this deal. Because if we don't, if that doesn't happen, because the disease, because our chief characteristic is defiance, we think we're right. You don't understand. I'm different. Your stupid don't tell me what to do, and disease is so strong that the bottom line is, until something happens that's painful, you don't pay attention. You don't pay attention, which is probably why I was sponsored by abuse of means, sponsors that said terrible things to me, because the truth of the matter is the only thing I ever paid attention to is when people said Shitty things to me. I mean, it's just true. I go to a meeting and there'd be some idiot talking. It...

...would just piss the shit out of me, you know, I just I get a resentment and oh now, who invited him to speak? He doesn't know me. Who the ELL is he to say this? Then the other thing and I would walk out of the meeting. I think about that bastard for about, you know, three or four days or five days. And when an athlete is who invited them and he doesn't know what he's talking about. And you know what happens with that deal? You either drink over that. You need the drink over that, or you start doing a four step and a fifth step and you talk to your sponsor and somehow you come to the end of that where you say, Holy Shit, the guy is right. You know the guy is right. I do. I am scared the guys right. I am. I did do something like you know what I mean and you know. So I'm so used to people saying, you know, I used to hate you, but now I love you. So what does this all have to do with? Because people want to know what step? No, so I like talking about six and seven. I'll tell you why. I like talking about six and seven. I know we're supposed to be on ten or eleven or something like that, but I would. By the way, I already discussed ten. I already did ten, but I did it back at three. You know what I mean. You have to go back at three and you may not remember it, but I did it, you know. But I just don't do these things in order. You know, I do annoy I do them and so in even so, that brings back to and here's the problem. Here's why I like talking about six and seven and the reason I like till about six and seven, because is because I'm not involved in drinking. I don't drink anymore now. I don't want you to think that I'm saying I'm cured. I have recovered from a help of stain body, but I absolutely know that if I don't maintain and grow in my sobriety and and improve my conscious contact with God, I can slip backwards and stop drinking again, our stop bench, start being an asshole again and start worrying again, whatever it is, I could start doing that again. I I I am not saying I don't understand that. I'm not saying I'm not in recovery or anything like that. What I am saying is that you have to understand my experience. Thirty nine years ago I had a drinking problem. I couldn't stop drinking. If I was going on a twelve step call now and I was talking to a guy who had a drinking problem, you're someone. I'm saying I would. I would talk to him about first steps, I would talk to him my drinking problem. I would do that. But none, nobody in here has a drinking problem. Nobody here has a drinking problem. I don't care. Every one day sober. You don't have a drinking problem. Your problem is that you might drink again. You have a you've been you have recovered from. Let me tell you something. If you if you woke up this morning and you decide you're not gonna have a drink today, you said, I'm not gonna have a drink today, or even if it wasn't even that, you didn't even think about it. You said, just like I drink, I'm gonna go to a meeting and do this. And you're here tonight and yourself and you're having a drink. Trust me, you don't have a fucking drinking problem. You've recovered from the wholess you got to. You've recovered. The only the only way you're ever going to go back to drinking is if you don't listen to the Shit I'm talking about right now, because you won't have emotional sobriety. You won't be emotionally sober. You just what'll send you back to drinking is the worldly clamors. That's what sent Bill Wilson enough back to drinking, but will send you back to drinking is the disease that centers in your mind and not your body. You know what an alcoholic you've heard think craving everything, cravy, you guys will have to pray. I know craving is. You have one, you got to have another, you got have another, you got have another. Well, when an alcoholic has a month sober or six months sober or five years sober or twenty years sober and he drinks again, he doesn't drink because he's physically craving alcohol. The second before he drinks he's physically sober. He drinks because of this disease which sensus in my drinks, because of the stuff I'm talking about right now. And if you look at the suggestions, you know the suggestions. They say they were supposed to do. Part of the suggestions. Twelve is six and seven, and I'm I want to suggest you that in step six it says it does say this. This is the step that separates the men from the boys, doesn't it? It doesn't say that in step three, were you just get down on your knees and say the prayer and then you get up again and everything. A lot of people drink out the step three a lot of people drink after step one. I used to see a guy, see a guy with twenty years drinking, I'd say this. I'd say, Oh, he obviously never took the first yeah, right, Guy Sober for twenty years, going to meetings. He didn't take the first step. It's not. It's not the first step, it's not the third step. Is that the six step is the step that separates the men from the boys. There is something in the sixth step that's so important that it's the one that separates the men from the boys. And...

...when you start understanding what the six step is all about, you understand they there's a lot of boys and very few men, a lot of boys very few men. The six step is the thing that separates them for the boys. And, by the way, the six step is the step that has to be repeated for a lifetime. That's the deal with the sixth step. And by the way, you know what you know? How you know whether somebody's could do in the sixth step? Because they are trying to grow in the image and likeness of God, because they're shooting for perfection, because they're not becoming entirerated to get rid of the alcohol. They're coming, becoming entirely ready to get rid of their constant thinking about getting laid or romance or the blonde in the front row or getting a new car or getting more money or looking better at the vanity stuff. You know, they're becoming entirely ready to get rid of all the bullshit it that you're worried about after you stopped drinking. The real addiction. You See, I drank because no woman, no amount, no clothes, know nothing have worked quite as well. It's just a few drinks to make me feel like a man, of make me feel good about myself. But the truth is all that other shit works too, and and and the real crap is my addiction to this world and the lust of this world. You know, Bill Wilson says great line. I have it here on my phone. Luckily I say it in Dr Bought in, as Bill sees it. I want to read this to you. It's called the Forgotten Mountain. Forgotten Mountain. What it's on page one hundred if you want to look it up. Of as Bill Susan when I was a child I acquired some of the traits that had a lot to do with my insatiable craving for alcohol when he was a child, before he started drinking. I was brought up in a little town in Vermont under the shadow of Mount Aolis, and early recollection is that of looking up at the vast, dis vast and mysterious mountain, wondering what it meant and whether I could ever climb that high. But I was presently distracted by my aunt, who has a fourth birthday present made me a plate of Fudge. For the next thirty five years I pursued the fudge of life and quite forgot about the mountain. Man. I'll tell you something. If you live in this world and you're an alcoholic, you understand what the fucking life is. I mean, what's your what's what do you worry about? You worry about whether you're in a romantic relationship. You're worried about men or women, or you're worried about the rabbit or the guy who's hooked on heroine. You're worried about your boyfriend, you're worried about the job, you worried about the money. What do you worried about? The car, what kind of car you're driving? What you're worried about? I mean, what are you worried about. What's your anxiety about? It's not about God. What are you worried about? You just worried about shit. You're worried about the five. You're worried about stuff. That's your complaint. You're going up to your sponsors. You're complaining. I don't have a sex life. I have gotten late in two years. You know I nobody loves me. You know I'm all alone. What am I going to get to? What am I going to be wealthy? You know when a people going to stop talking about? What am I you're just worried about. You're just worried about bullshit. Worried about, like my sponsor said to me, what that's my one of all my sponsors says. He says the reason you why you got to get upset, is because you're upsetable. Everything in this world is set you. Anything happens. I'm saying it's all about this world and things of this world and what you have and what you may you lose and all the stuff you think you need. And I told the story all a lot. You know, I read a Playboy magazine. I saw a nude woman and I said that's the secret of life. If I can only have one of those. You know, it's hard getting to playboy money when you're fifteen years old. You know are getting one of those, but you can see you just you just sort of fantasize over. I'm an Oltohol. Have a great fantasy life. I can a fan with the fantasize. So then then you got a fantasize over a car, because now I'm just on the way. I think, you know, thinking that this is possibly, that there's somebody else who thinks this way. So you fantasize over a car because if I get a car, really nice car like a vet or a camarow is, I'm like the maybe I can get the girl and then maybe I'll be okay, you know. So I get the car and I get in the car and the car makes me feel like I'm Brad Pitt. A car and all sudd I think I'm Brad Pitt. I get the girl, I got the girl in the car. Now I know I'm Brad Pitt. You know what I mean. Get the girl, I got the car, I got the job. Now I know I'm right. And then and then I get all the stuff around me that tells me I'm okay, now I'm just as good. But there's a problem because somehow when I get all...

...the stuff around me through this later it's like a used girl, like you used car. It never quite is an I never can quite get the combination of the stuff in my life where it's it'll stand still and make me feel good. Somehow the fucking disease comes back. I don't know what it is. Somehow, no matter how many women I get in there and how many cars are getting in there and how many and you got to keep on doing it, and then after you do it, you got to worry about it, like the car needs new tires, and the woman sometimes she'll talk to you and say Shit. You know what I mean, and you know I hate when that happens. You know what I mean. You like, why don't you take out the garbage or stuffing? You know, you know what it's like. You're married. You know what it is. I mean, she was gorgeous, I married she was going. Now it's like, take out the garbage, what are your arms broken and Shit, and you know I mean, it's like it's guys, it's terrible. I'm telling you. You know, you got mad he's beautiful, women and the sex is great. They get married and that's all about bring home the money and give me this and take out the garbage. And you know you're the worst husband in the world and you know you've never gotten sober. You'd haven't got your yeah, you know, I like you better when you were drinking. You get it. It's like, I mean, how do you? How do you deal with life? They never like it's never like perfect. Some Guy Bounces a check on you. Why would you all check on you? Three years sober? You know he bounced a father. You dollar check on you. You're just you're just live it. You're going nuts. I mean you're not drinking, you just you just keep on thinking of your mind how you want to kill him, kill his wife, rapist dog, blow off his house. You know, I'm you just take it all sorts of bullshit, you know what I mean, because he deserves it, you know, and son of a bitch. And now you're going to do it and you go up to your sponsor and you tell them all about it and he says, he said, well, how would you feel if it didn't bother you? And you look at him you say, because I don't even say what he's talking about, because this guy's like that's a problem with sponsors. They're so stupid. I mean no really, because the bar and the bar, believe me, if I told the guys in the bar that the guy that's five and dollar check me, they wouldn't say. How would you feel? If they would say? They's like, Guy's an Asshole, you got to kill him. Damn. You know what I mean. Yeah, I'd hate them to that. He give me an ID to give me another fucking drink. You know, you know. But but my sponsor said, well, how would you feel if it didn't bother you? What I said, what do you mean? Because, because here's the problem. He's sober. He's talking and thinking sober, which is a language I don't understand and I'm insane when sobriety meets insanity. Nothing, it's forget. It's like he's talking checkel Slovakia. I don't understand. So it's just, how would you feel didn't bother you? And I say, what are you talking about? He said, how would you feel if it didn't bother you? Because when I don't realize what I'm talking about, because I'm not talking about the five minsion dollars. Five dollars gone. I'm never gonna get the five dollars back. The Five Min dollars is gone. I'm never got to get the five hundred back. I'm talking about the fact that I am going fucking crazy and driving myself crazy and not even realizing that, no matter how much I think about the five in dollars, how much I hate them, it's actually not going to appear in my checking account. I'm talking about the fact that I am mad, I am angry, I can't get rid of it, I can't sleep at night. All I was thinking about it. Now I don't realize that's what I'm saying to him, but he realizes that's what I'm what I'm saying to old he knows I'm talking about the woman with the hero with the rabbit. He knows what I'm talking about because he's been through it. I don't know that I'm saying shit to him like you don't understand. You know what I mean, because I don't understand what he's saying to me because it's not making any sense. I'm saying the Guy Bounced five dollars. He's saying, well, how would you feel if it didn't happen to you. I don't even understand the fucking question. He says, if it didn't bother you, how would you feel? I said, I'm sorry, we're not to be I don't understand the question. This is true, this is an actual conversation. I said, I understand what you're saying. He says, if it didn't bother you, how would you feel? That's what you mean. If it didn't bother me that he bounced the fables all tutting. He says, yeah, didn't bother if it and I repeated, I say if it didn't bother me, how would I how would I feel about bound if it didn't bother me? Says, yeah, if it didn't bother you, if it didn't bother you, how would you feel? I said, well, if it didn't bother me, I feel fine. He goes, there you go. I still don't understand what he's talking about. I go up to rail keep on. Nine years sober by now. I figured out I was supposed to be a millionaire. You know, I'm a high earner, I'm learned pretty good money, I'm nine years without drinking. I'm so socially a millionaire and I'm broke again. I didn't quite understand that when you spend money, spend more money than you mad you go into debt. Did you know that? I...

...didn't know that. You know, I'm the guy. I spend money. I don't have buying shit. I don't need to impress people. I'm like because I like people to think I'm like a big shot. And the reason I like people think I'm a big shot is because I worry about what they think about me, because I'm scared of their judgment and I want them to think I'm a great guy and tell everybody else I'm a great guy. That's called, by the way, fear of people. But I don't think that that's the problem, because I'm constantly telling myself I don't give a shit what anybody thinks about me. Because alcoholics, you know the truth. You know you can't handle the truth. So what happens is, even though we're crazy, we constantly what happens is this is a disease of denial. Though we reasonally, we usually don't think so, so, even though our whole life is run by worrying about what people think about us. You know what I mean. How will I look if I do this. How will I look if I do that? Well, I do if I do this, what do I do? Even after we had sober, we're constantly telling ourselves that we don't give a shit what other people think about us. So the bottle list, we stay in the same fucking crazy position and we never change because we because the first I'm getting out of Jay. I know you're in gentil the first place, and you don't even realize how crazy you are and how selfish you are and how much you worry about what other people think about you. And that's your motivation for doing the shit you do, because you just don't see it, because you think you really don't give a shit while other people think about you. And so, even though your sponsor is telling you we want you get rid of the cadillact and get yourself a used car, you know what I mean, because it's question of six hundred month you're thinking, you're that ain't gonna happen. I'm letting get rid of my CATILLAC. I'm a lawyer, I'm getting rid I catala and I and I and I don't even know why. It's not going to happen, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I'm saying to myself, you're rid of my Cadillac. What are people going to think? Because I'm worried about what you think about me, and I also know that all you do all days think about me. I got that other alcoholic paranoid thing where I think you're actually thinking about me and doing that Shit, you know. And so and so I go up to Real KIEF and I'm broke again and I'm on these long ports, just right up there with oxygen and okay, well, anyway. So I go up the real keef and I say this is is another five. You bounced the five me like the I go up the real Keef, see the old timers, the guys have been through this. They know all this shit, but it doesn't matter that they know all this shit. Doesn't matter that I asked him about this shit, because doesn't matter, because no matter what they tell me, I say you don't understand because I'm insane, because I've got this disease. So I'm fighting. They're trying to pull me over to the checklist lock inside and I'm trying to seeze. I'm thinking Al Kay here, you know, I'm thinking Al Kay here. I don't even know. I'm thinking I'll because I don't even know what alcoholism is. I think you're ready to this, that it has something to do with drinking. I've been going to these a meetings. All they do is something about don't drink unless your aft falls off. Pick up a white tip. It's all about the drink it and nobody's talking about the insanity. Nobody's talking about what's really going on with me. So I walk out of these means. I feel good. I don't drink, but I don't understand why I'm still a fucking idiot telling myself I'm an asshole. Now to kill my I don't understand why I feel the way I feel, why I feel so insufficient and useless and worthless. And so I go up to Real Keif and I say to him one am I gonna be financially secure, because there's a promise in the big book. It says fear people, and financial insecurity will leave you. And I know how financial in security will leave me, because somebody's going to have done it's whatenty million dollars on me, and then I won't be financially insecure. You get that. If you're rich, you're not financially insecure. So I say to Real Keewis, like thirty years of time. When am I going to be financially secure? And he says, what are you talking about? And I say and I've got like nine years now. He's got like thirty. I said the promises. I said I've been doing this for like nine years. I'm doing this by the numbers. I'm sponsoring all sorts of people. I'm doing step series around to I'm doing this shit around town. I've already been the instegroup banquet chairman two years and row. I mean I'm not like one of these guys. I'm not doing this shit. I'm doing all this stuff. So I'm saying where's the be because I've how come I'm still worried about money. What's going on with this deal? And he says what do he talks, he says when? What am I going to be financially secure? He says, I don't even stand what you're talking about that. So we do. You know. The promises is what promises? What promises? They meet him at every mean they'll probably read it at this meeting. We read the promises. You're going to read it at this meeting. I'm telling you, that's right in there. I'm not stupid. I've read it. It said. He says what promises is the promise. He says.

Read it to me and I read it to him. He's trying to comber and says fear of people and financials insecurity will leave you, and he says yes, yes, Russell, the fear will leave you. He says you will always be broke, it just won't bother you. I'm not year so when I was, when I was one year or two years sober, when the guy bounced the five in dollar check on me and my sponsors said, he said basically the same thing. He says, how would you feel if it didn't bother you? And I don't understand what he was talking then, and I said I feel fine. He says, there you go. How can you feel fine when somebody and there's real kief? He says you'll always be broke. He's just it just won't bond you. How could that not bother you? Well, it's going to always bother you when you're when you're always chasing the fudge, when everything about you and who you think you're on what you think is important, has to do with how much money you have and what's into bed. It will always bother you. So you say, how do I stop that deal? Why don't you just ask me? How do you stop drinking? You don't know how to stop drinking. It's not person here knows how to stop drinking. You really don't. You think you know. You think go to Aa and do the bed, you'll stop drinking. Some people do and some people don't. Most people don't even know why they stop. You, you know, it's like telling something the guy can't stop drinking. How do I stop drinking? You'll say, go to a, because that's all you know what to say. Get Down Your cheall say all the right stuff and some will stop drinking, but you don't know why they stop drinking. I can tell you this. It has nothing with you. Has To do with God. This whole thing has to do with God. That's why they say the great fact is this is nothing less the God's become the cent piece of the whole thing has to do with God. That's what these that's what the six step is about, becoming entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. You so you want to know how to get rid of all this stuff. You got to get to the point where you humble yourself and you get the point where you you become and Tilraty to have God get rid of it, because you can't get rid of it because you'll always worry about the five undred dollars, because you're always worried about being broke. You have as much idea as to how get how to get rid of the fear of being broke or the fear of blue using your car, or the fear of losing your life, or the fear of not having a partner in your life or if you're not had, you have as much knowledge about how to do that as you had to do with how do you stop drinking? It's an addiction. They're all addiction. They're all addictions the fudge of this we're a Bill Wilson said it. He said, he said. For thirty five years I chased the budge in this world. It's just another it's just another it's just alcohol in a different form. It's just me sitting in a room looking at the blond in the front row and not paying any attention to what the guy is saying and turn to my sponsor and say look at that Gal and doing it all my life. Look at that Gal and he says to me, says what, you used to drink russ and I say jam B Scotch. He says, you see that blond in the front raises. Yet for you that's a bottle of jam be Scotch with legs. That it is. But how do you get rid of that? How do you get rid of that when you don't want to get rid out of it and you don't even think the problem? As a matter of fact, you're lusting after that, just like you lusted after a bottle of Scotch. And you can envision a life without drinking. How you can envision a life without going after the sex? You can't envision a life without going after money. It's the exact same dis ease, but with the things of this world and all you have as a giant world full of mirrors telling you how insufficient you are if you don't have that stuff. You turn on the TV. There's a there's a commercial about why actress saying when you're nine years old you should be having a heart on for four hours or something, or else you're a piece of shit. You know. You turn on you. Every every every movie you go to says you got to have this got. My wife is at home right now. She's on her eighth hour of the fucking hallmark channel. You know I mean, or the lifetime channel. You know, you guys have watched lfe. You got to get married. I get married. You have watched lifetime channel. Trust me, it's the same story over and over and over, with different gorgeous people. You know what I mean. They all find love, they lose love, they find it again, the most beautiful romantic thing. It's like it's all about the romance and the guy and the GAL and the vanity and the pretty and the handsome and the car and the money. It's all about the American dream. Bullshit, then, really that's what you think about all the time while you're an alcoholics, anonymous with the sobriety deal. So to me, the sixth and seven step of a real engine here. It's the real thing that keeps you sober. You know, I love the one Jesus sit in this world and will...

...love problems. would be a good year. I have overcome the world. How do you overcome the world? How do you overcome everything of this world? That's trying to ask you. What do you do for living? How much money do you have? What kind of car do you drive? You know, are you married? Are you saying, well, you have any kid? How do you overcome that Shit? That's all that shit you judge yourself by, all that stuff you judge about you. You're constantly saying to myself, how am I doing? And you're always coming up short. You know, a love everything. We must get rid of this selfishness. We must story kills us. God makes that possible. How do you do that with a group of people that really don't want to do this? That's a well, I'm spiritual, not religious. They put down God, even though they have a book that says we lose all prejudice, you can gainst organized religion. We can't see where he's right. We're religious. People are right. We encourage church membership. How do you do? How do you? How do you handle a situation when the only answer is putting your entire faith in God so you know, no matter what happens, money, no, no, money, job or no job, wife or no job, wife, whatever it is, you know there's a God there that, if you do the things he wants you to, do. It's basically help another other people. Everything's going to work out, there's not to be a problem. How do you do that with a group people that just don't want to believe that because they don't want to? They don't want to stop drinking, they don't want to stop drugg and they don't want to stop lusting. They don't want to stop doing any of this stuff. You know, I really don't know. I don't know. I know that over a period of years I've gotten pounded down enough so I've gotten to the point where that's my deal. That's my deal. I still got a long ways to go because I'm not, I'm not what. I'm not a hundred percent cure yet or anything. And so all I do is I come here and I tell my story, because not what it says our what does it say? It says our stories disclows in John Way what we used to be like, what happened. So I got up here and I tell my story right because the secrets in the story, all our stories, are we're all the same, but we're all unique with our stories. So I tell my story. You know, some guy ask me, what step are you want? Let's go step them on. They're all in there. Every step you need is in that story I just told you, from one all the way through to twelve. It's all in that story. You know. It's just there. On how to explain it to you now, depend upon where you're at. You may get the ten step, for they see other eleven. You may see other first step to the the you know, different people there are different things, depend upon where they're at or whether they're ready to receive it. One do you may not hear anything. Five years from now, after I'm dead and gone or something like that, you might hear somebody else say the same thing I'm saying tonight and Allicin say man, I get it now. You're ready to hear it, you know. But my job is not to carry the message. I learned this a long time ago. US think my job was to carry the message. Like you guys all had a like me or understand me. My job is just try to carry the message. Well, you do, is try. No power to kind of as. All I do is I get up here. This could be the worst day. I mean, I've ever done in my life. It's the best one I can do tonight, January. First, first one I so I just do the best job I can tonight telling my story. But my deal is that whatever happens after that is really it's in your hands, from God's hands. So thank you very much. WE'RE OUT OF DESIRED.

In-Stream Audio Search

NEW

Search across all episodes within this podcast

Episodes (131)