AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 6 · 2 years ago

Russell S - The Guilt & Fear of a Selfish Heart @ West Dixie Club 2019-2020 #9

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Hi, my name's Russell spats. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, guys, remember the South Dixie group and you know where we just drove up here. I think my group where I come from, this about fifty miles, forty or fifty miles south of year and it's good to be her Christmas Day. I I haven't found necessary to have a drink since January twenty nineteen eighty one. So coming up on my thirty ninth anniversary and this steamed fellowship and I've made it my business. I go to a lot of meetings, but I've always made my business on Christmas Day and Christmas Eve and New Year's Day and New Year's Eve, you know, around those times, always make my business, make sure I go to an a meeting. I got sober on January twenty five nineteen eighty one. So it was around this sort of period of time that I got to that I started hitting my my bottom is mafick, my spiritual bottom, where I really hit bottom was on December twenty five, Christmas morning, at three o'clock in the one thousand nineteen eighty. So thirty nine years ago at three o'clock in the morning, is when I really hit my knees and asked God to help me with this deal. So I've always felt because, listen, we all have our own stories. And I've always felt, though, that's when you know you you hit bottom. When you hit bottom, I mean I'm sure you can hit as bad a bottom as I hit in April, but I have to hit my potpot of on Christmas Day, Christmas morning. And you know, as an alcoholic, between the during Christmas time, for at least this two week period of time, where is it like a few days before Christmas and, you know, a couple days after new years? That would be the time that was made especially for alcoholics. I'm not sure I drove a I drew a sober breath during that period of time. That was the time I waited for. That's when it's okay to be drunk all the time. And and so you always have these incredibly if you're an alcoholic like me, always have these incredibly high expectations as to what Christmas is going to be like. And you know it's all romantic and you know you idealize Christmas and and so that was the deal for a long period of time in my life. But but if it is possible to be an alcoholic and very depressed, and I am a selfpdioholic. I probably did my real depression time around Christmas in the years of one thousand, nine hundred and eighty. So I've always felt that, as far as service is concerned, I want to be somewhere around a a during the during that time, during Christmas, because I forget that they're there. May Be somebody in an a room. That's sort of like all alone. We feel pretty lonely as it is, but all alone, no place to go on Christmas and feeling particularly down on themselves and like their life is over. We tricularly hopeless. So I always want to I always think it's a great time to go to a. So I'm so happy that you guys are here and you guys showed up. I'm going to talk a little bit that, you know, as I said, you know, it says our stories disclosed and, as General Way, what used to be like, what happened, what we are like now. And and you know, I started doing step series probably when I was about, you know, eight or nine years sober. So I've been doing it for, you know, close to thirty years now, and my story and how I look at things has changed, you know. I mean it's grow older and things happen to you and you go through stuff. It says the way we get a new perspective is unbelievably painful, by repeated humiliations, final questioning of her selfsufficiency. We finally, I know, surrender a little bit more and we change. No, I don't know how long you guys are sober. I mean we probably have people here there are sober. Count maybe other people counting days. I don't think there were people counting days here, but maybe you're sober a year or two or three or five or ten or twenty, whatever it is. But more than likely, no matter how long you're sober, you'd probably agree that since coming into alcoholics anonymous and not drinking, your your ideas about who you are and what you are and what's important what's not imported to you, probably you've probably changed for when you came in here. Have you noticed that, that you've had a change in thinking? You know, I used to think it was okay to drink. That's true. I used to. I came in day because I couldn't stop drinking. I just think it was okay to drink. I used to think that there was no way I could not drink. I couldn't envision life. I had forgotten. Listen, I came in when I was thirty one years old. I had forgotten that up until the age of fourteen years old I didn't drink alcohol. I thought I drank alcohol. By the time I got here I thought I never I drank alcohol. I guess all my life...

I couldn't envision going through life without drinking. All of a sudden I come to alcoholics anonymous a few and after a few weeks, all of a sudden I can envision drinking again. That's a pretty big change in attitude right. Well, you know, one of the things I learned about this disease is not only is a cunning and baffling but it's it's centers in your mind, not your body. And the alcohol drinking is not even the disease, it's a symptom of disease. The real disease centers in my mind. It has to do with the way I'm thinking. You don't have to be an a too long before you realize, maybe some maybe around three o'clock in the morning, that this is a possibility. You might just be crazy. You know, you just, you know, like you know, you put you stop drinking and you're all grateful about that, and all of a sudden one morning you wake up and you notice that you have actually cash on the dresser and where did that come from? And People Start Patting you on your back and saying you look great or down great. All of a sudden, you know, maybe every once in a while you start feeling good about yourself instead of feeling like a piece of crap, you know what I mean, and you sort of figure maybe it maybe you sort of figure like you're okay now, I'm okay now, you know, I'm home, I'm okay now. And then all of a sudden that day comes where you realize you're nuts. You realize that there's something going on with you and has nothing to do with Scotch or drinking or smoking or snorting as them. It's just you're like your mind, you're just you're obsessively worried about something or you're anxious. That's a high anxiety. You're anxious, worried, you feel guilty, you feel crappy, you feel worthless, I feel useless. You know, and you know it may come upon you that you start thinking that maybe there's something, maybe you're suffering from, something more than just the drinking thing, and and what you're suffering from is something called this is my opinion, based upon my experience. You don't have to buy into any of this stuff. When you find yourself thinking crazy thoughts about yourself and other people, you know, bad thoughts about your something other people. Maybe you're lathering up in the shower and all of a sudden you hear this voice and the voice tells you might as well kill yourself because your piece of crapping. Your three months ober and all of a sudden your mind is telling you might as well kill yourself because you're stupid and you're never going to be okay and you know you're a loser and you know you know everyone's while that sort of comes a pilot. Yet you know, you know, I remember one day my sponsor asked me how you're doing. I said I'm doing great, and he says you must be getting your own way, and I was. Then five minutes later I wasn't, and I wasn't feeling so good. You know, I mean, yeah, there's a lot of emotional jags that happens during your first ten or fifteen years sober. You know you're up, you're up, you're down, and you're up, you're down, you're strong. Your week, you know you're all over the place. So let me, let me try to help you out with this, because I've been through this deal. I want you to know that when you find yourself crazy with all sorts of emotions and obsessions and fears and worries and anxiety, running a muck and inability to control your thinking and you're worrying, you know, you ever, anybody, ever wake up at three o'clock in the morning worrying about something? Yeah, you ever, but you ever worry about something? The same thing, the same thing? Maybe it's money, I don't know, could be anything, could be romance, I don't know. Just pick, pick it, pick a subject. You know, you ever find yourself worrying about the same thing? You know, Lo like for a week, like maybe you can put it away, maybe you can get busy on something, so you can, it'll distract you and you won't be worried about it. But then then what happens is but it comes back again, like it's like a constant worry about the same thing and the same thing and the same thing, and you might even wake up, I'd like four o'clock in the morning, you know, out of a sound sleep and you're thinking about the same thing. You know, maybe you're losing sleep over it, whatever it is, you know, I don't know. Sometimes it's money, sometimes it's romance, could be a lot of things comes sometimes you worry about what other people are thinking about. You probably always worried about that stuff. You're worried about what's going to happen to you in the future or something that happened in the past and everything like that. And you know, I remember I used to say to myself things like this. I'd wake up at four o'clock the morning and of course you got that other worried you got to go to work, you got to do something, you're worried now that you're not getting any sleep, and so I used to say to myself, I got to stop, I got to stop worrying about this. I mean, it actually dawned upon me I was actually aware of the fact that my worrying about this thing, whatever it was, wasn't actually helping me out. You know, if I was worried about money, which was a kind of thing, used to happen to me a lot. I was broke a lot, and one of the reasons I was broke a lot, by the way,...

...is, this is a mysterious thing. I found out about this nine years sober. One of the reasons I was broken a lot is when you when you spend more money than you make, you go into something called debt. I'm giving you, guys, like just in case you're wandering why you're always broke. If, if that's if you ever concerned about money, I just want to you don't have to wait nine years and sobriety and do all the APPs to figure this out. It has something to do with spending money you don't have. You know, like maybe you have a credit card and you're buying stuff anyway and then you're worried about paying Lee credit card these it going to take it away because you can't make you can only make those minimum payments for a period of time. I mean, so I had this. I used to buy stuff that I, you know, with money. I didn't have to impress people I didn't even like, you know, and you know, it's all sorts of stuff and I was not really good with money. But the bottom line is I used to remember waking up all the time worrying about the money thing. We're what it's going to do cut the money for this, that it dawned upon me one day. I said to myself, I'm sitting there at thirty four o'clock in the morning. I said to myself, I got to stop worrying about this. I'd ask you. You know, I used to say to myself. I remember saying myself something. You know what, as drinking got really, really bad, I remember saying to myself, waking up the moon and saying myself this, I got to stop drinking. Anybody ever try to control the drinking? You ever ever? You ever wake up morning and say you ever declare? You ever declare I'm not gonna have a drink today. You ever tell you you ever say I'm not going to buy boost today, I'm not going to have a drink today. You know, you ever do that? I used to do that all the time and and I was strong. Let me tell something. I meant and I wasn't throwing around, and but the problem was decide always buy the booze. You ever declare that you're not going to buy booze and then you buy the booze anyway. You ever say I'm not going to the bar and you end up in the Bar Anyway? Your say I'm not going to drink today and you end up drinking anyway. Alcoholics do that. By the way. I wouldn't want you to get worried about that. That's part of the disease. It's part of being an addict. So when you tell yourself, when you stop drinking and you tell yourself you really not going to worry about this shit anymore, and then you worry about it anyway, you know what I mean, and it's hurting you and it's killing you, but you can't stop thinking about it. That's that's not don't get to concern. That's something called alcoholism. That's what alcoholism looks like. That's the real alcoholism. That's the alcoholism that doesn't come in bottles. That's the alcoholism that center's in your mind, not your body. That's the insanity. That's the kind of in the same thinking they're talking about when after you get after you become entirely ready to have God remove the booze, you know, the first step. That's the insanity they're talking about when you you start saying you start realizing that God couldn't, would you know, re restore you to sanity? Isn't that the second step? What is the second step? Say'll he'll, you come to believe that he will restore you to sanity. Well, the only people that get to be need to be restored to sanity or people who are insane in the first place. So now I've of course, the second said. The Big Book is very nice to alcoholics. I've mentioned this before. It's very non confrontational. It says maybe, what does it say? Kind to believe that, you know, higher power would restore us to Saturday. It doesn't say things like you're nuts and UN your sponsor says stuff like that. My sponsor would say things like that. I'd say you're you're trying to brainwash me and say well, maybe your brain needs washing. or He'd say, he says your best thinking, Russell, and your best day got you into this thing. Can how they say the grouch of the brain storm is it for us? That's another way of the big book, in a Nice Way, saying best you not think at all. You know best, you not think at all, no thinking for you. You know, you know that. Where's that sign? Think. Think, think, they have that sign up here. Think. Think. Think, my sponsor, I said, what about that? Think, think, think, side he'sas that's not for you. That's for the other people you've got. You're one of these alcoholics that have grave emotional and mental disorders. You know, the thinking is not I have, I have sponsored hundreds of men I've spoke to. Also, I was on relay for eight years in this town every Friday night, you know, and I've never dealt with an alcoholic who was in distress or worried or in crisis where it wasn't preceded by a whole lot of thinking. But the problem is, if you're an alcoholic is you're addicted to thinking. You can't stopt the thinking. Now, one of the great things about things like prayer and the serenity prayer and going to meetings is one of the things that will...

...happen to you and a that you'll notice is that you can actually go to an a meeting. You can't necessarily early on do this in your car. You can't necessarily early on do this in your house because the disease is that strong, but you might notice that if you go to an a meeting and you sit there at an a meeting and you fall instructions, like you say the serenity, you do the moment of sign meditation and you save the Serenity prayer and then some guy starts talking and hopefully he's talking in such ways that he captures your interest and you start listening to him and then you start listening to other people as goes around the room and things like. You may find for like at least an hour period of time, because anybody found this for about an hour you're not thinking. As anybody realize that when you go to a meeting, at least for an hour. Now, when I say an hour and now I understand. I recognized fact because it's happened to me sometimes that the alcoholic thinking is so strong that you don't actually come to and come out of it until you're half an hour into the meeting. I understand you can be sitting in a meeting and thinking all sorts of suicidal horse shit while the meetings going on for you know, good twenty minutes or thirty minutes before you wake up and you start paying attention to the mean. I get that can happen, because that's how serious this disease is. But one of the reasons why meetings work so well for alcoholics is because when you go to meetings, it's like a speed bump. It's like a speed bump with the crazy thinking. It'll sort of stop your thinking frank and let me tell you something, when you can take an alcoholic who's all of their thoughts are selfish, self centered, fear driven thoughts about themselves, bad thoughts about themselves and other people, and you can put a stop to that for just an hour without having to use massive doses and drugs or electric electro therapy or something like that. When you can do that, most alcoholics feel good after meetings. That's why you feel good. Did you know that? You know so. That's why alcohols feel good after meeting because for at least an hour you're not thinking of the bullshit, you're not thinking the poison. Your thoughts are the poison. Your thoughts are your poison. Now we are so tied in, we have these old ideas that we're very, very, very smart and the last thing you want to give in a give up is the right to to our opinions. And we don't want people telling us not to think a certain way because we're the chief charactors of alcoholics. is where defiant, which means, you know, no matter what I tell you to do, you're going to tell me to go to hell. You don't know what I'm talking about. But the bottom line is is for me, my thoughts, at least early on, where the poison and I had to somehow coming here over period of boy, I'll tell I wish I could tell you that after a week or two or twenty eight days, all of a sudden this crazy, chronic, nonsensical, suicidal, horrible thinking sort of goes away. But you know, I came in I was thirty one years old. I have thirty one years of twenty four seven thinking crazy thoughts about myself and other people, most of the time thinking I was right, and I heard a lot of people believe me. I have the ability to be an asshole on her a lot of people sober I need alcohol to do crazy things within crazy thoughts. But to me, the thoughts I have and the feelings I have, I don't think they're crazy. They make sense to me and, by the way, I like hanging around people that think like me. You know as a matter that I think that if everybody thought like me, the world would be wonderful. That's one of my problems. I don't even see the problem. You know, the first step and getting out of jail is knowing you're in jail in the first place. Now, when we finally figure out that we're addicted to alcohol and we start doing something about it and following instructions, the alcohol problem may go away, but it may take weeks or months or maybe even years to realize the real alcoholism, the one that centers in your mind, on your body. We want so hard to hold onto our individuality. Well, my sponsor used to say, why do you do the things you do? Why do you say the stuff you say? Why do you think the stuff you think? And I'd say to him this, I'd say, that's just my personality. You ever think of it? They ever you said, were you ever think? You said. Well, that's my personality. Don't try to take my personality away from me. You sort of think you have a like great, pretty nice personality and everything like that. And my sponsor used to say mess as well, Russ it's your personality that's killing you. Well, what do you do? I understand the booze part. What are you doing? Your sponsor tells you that's what's killing you, is your personality. How do you get tell me how you get a new personal how do you get a new personality? How do you do that when you're in here and...

...you can't stop thinking, you can't stop doing stupid things and you're hating everything that moves and most of all, you hate yourself? You know. And how does it? How do you change your personality? You know, how do you change to a person that's not thinking shit about other people all the time? How do you stop feeling sorry for yourself? How do you stop thinking about yourself all the time? Do I mean, how do you do that? You know, you go to a meeting and for an hour maybe, you stop thinking and you start feeling better. And all of a sudden meetings over and you're feeling good because you went to a meeting. Then you gain your car and you drive and I know how long. What's the half life of me? What is it like? A Now? Then all of a sudden, hour later you're thinking bullshit again. Five minutes later you're thinking bullshit again. Maybe you see a billboard of a very nice car. You say, man, why can't I have a car like that? You go home and watch TV. Maybe you got a phone call or something, anything, anything can tee you off and upset you. I mean, when do you when do you get to the point where the world and the people in this world don't dry the what I say, the wrong doings of others, fancied a real, imaginary shit, have the power to kill when you get to the point where this world and the things of this world don't have the power to kill you? When do you get to the point where you know where? If you get a bill in the mail, you know and you open it up and has an asked for money, flider, power and lighter. Somebody calls you and you don't have the money. Where do you get the point where it doesn't drive you crazy? You know, this is a this is a tough world, right. They're always all sorts of things you got to do. And you ever notice that? You ever notice this, that you ever get into a fight with somebody? You know how they say that? They say we fighting it, we stopped finding everybody, even alcohol. You have you ever seen that in the big book? You ever get into an argument with somebody you ever get into an argue with somebody where you're right? Well, you've never got into an argument with somebody when you're wrong. You're always right. But I mean, you ever get to argue with somebody where you're really right? I mean your Ol key right. You should be allowed to kill them because they're so stupid. You know what I mean? You know so so and and you get into a bad argument, maybe you say something to him or whatever it is, and you after one of those arguments, if you've ever had one of them, you ever you ever noticed that when you walk away from an argument with somebody, sometimes you still think about the argument? You ever go over the argument in your mind? He said this and I said that, and she said this and I said that. You ever you ever like change the words? You know what I mean? You ever do that Shit? You ever like you sort of like makeup shit so that you're saying things that are really sharper than they were. You know, that's how I should have said that. Maybe you ever sort of like replay the argument in your mind? You ever do that, replaying the argument your mind like like three or four days down the road. You ever you like three or four five days down the road. Let me as some who the fuck does stuff like that? What kind of intew who does shit like that? You know, I mean you ever. You ever do this after you've gone through the argument with somebody and beat him up, and your head and started thinking what assholes they are and how screwed up they are and how dare they say this and how dare they do that, and thinking about what they're probably saying about you now and who they're saying it to, and you ever go do all that? Something like you ever? You ever, at the tail end of that, find yourself telling yourself you're a piece of shit, telling yourself you're a loser? Why does that happen? Why does that happen? That, when you get into an argument with other people because they're idiots, why does it happen down the road, after you've done beating them up, you tell yourself that you're a loser and a piece of crap and you want to kill you. What does that happen? Oh bother, the way, I want you to worry about this stuff. By the way that if that ever happens to you, don't worry about it. It's just it's just alcoholism. It's just the real disease. That's just the thing. You battle for fifteen, twenty and twenty five years. That's after the booze. That's why, by the way, that's why we go to me, that's why we do these steps, that's why you get sponsors. That's the real disease. How long does it take an alcohol to realize that he's got an alcohol problem? I don't know. It took me fifteen years. Fifteen years. And then, once you realize you have a problem, where you start thinking you have a problem, how long is it take an alcoholic to actually do something about the problem instead of play around? And I don't know, another year or two or something. I don't know. How does that work? I don't know how that works. You know, some people go on for like twenty twenty. How long does it take for an alcohol once they get really alcohol, to realize they got all these sort of thinking problems? Another fifteen years. You think it happens like right away. You...

...think it happens immediately, like you got sober. Then all of a sudden, after the first week, you realize all these other crazy problems you have and what the deal is and everything. Or maybe maybe that's why, they say the way we got a new perspective is right. Repeated humiliations and the fun maybe what has to happen. It's just like with the booze. You just got to get a Shitload of trouble and a lot of pain over this particular problem you're having until you finally realize, at nine years sobriety, what the Hell is wrong with me? Why am I always broke? What the Hell is wrong with me? Why am I always feeling sorryful? What the Hell is wrong with me? Why am I only always lonely? Maybe it takes another fifteen years, or ten years, or five years or three years, whatever it takes, of going through miseraby, misery and pain paints the touchdowne before you admit to yourself, I don't know, there's something wrong with me. I've better maybe talk to my sponsor about maybe that guy I heard speak of that a mean maybe he was right. Maybe I have some other problems I got to deal with. You know, this is they got some serious stuff going on here. So I want to talk a little bit about guilt and fear, a little bit about guilt and fear and some other things. So I want to I do believe that it's important to whenever you speaking an a meeting, to give some personal testimony, and I was sort of thinking about steps eight and nine and making amends and things like that, and guilt. Guilt's a horrible thing. It's all part of fear and things like that. I like the way Dr Young talks about the new personality. In the big book it says when, when, when he was confronted by who was the guy's name? Kept on drinking, the rich American businessman. You know, guys don't remember that. So a rich American businessman, he said. Now, knowing the end of the workings of my mind, drinking was impossible. It's names skip my mind now, but Roland Hazard. Nevertheless, he was drunk in a couple of weeks after you had come out of treatment and he went back to doc young and he said, you know, and DOCR young said he said, said to him, he says you have the mind of a chronic alcoholic. By the way, if you're here today and you're an alcohol you have the mind of chronic alcoholic, because the disease is chronic and it's progressive. Said you have the mind of a chronic alcohol he says I've never been able to help somebody with that state of mind exists. That's why psychiatrists don't work with us. Now they can help you out a little. I'm not putting down psychiatrist, but you know, you see in the psychiatrist once a wee can going to do the trick for you guys, and you're going to do the trick for me. I saw the psychiatrist before I came in here. Didn't didn't do much for me. Maybe feel a little bit better, but yeah, they still have developed a pill that will solve your problem. They don't have a pill that'll give you an integrity or honesty or stop the loneliness or anything like that. But the bottom line, he says you have the minds of chronic alcohol he says, is there no sceps? He says, yeah, exceptions to your problem, your alcoholism, your insanity. Has Happened many times over the years. Their phenomena, that's the scientific word for a miracle. They don't understand it. Listen, if they understood the phenomena of emotional sobriety, if they understood the phenomena which allows you to get the promises, you know those promises. What is the promises you're going to know a new freedom and a new happiness, if they understood how to give you a new freedom of new happiness, if they under yeah, what does it say? It says will lose fear of people. We won't worry about people and what they think about and of economic insecurity. Won't worry about money, we won't worry about people. We won't worry about anything. We will even worry about what? If they knew how to do that deal with all the billions of dollars they have in all the research, they knew how to do that deal, we'd have a pill for it today and of course, a thousand dollars a pill and you have to probably take it three times a day. They'd have a pilot that shit. They'd be selling it to you. You know what I mean? Well, they got pills. They got pills, though. Trust me, you go to a doctor, you tell them, you tell them what you're worried about and when you go in there, act very emotional, you know, because it is your feelings and it is your life and you are different and you are unique and, by the way, and they should pay it and they should and they should pay attention to you. You know what I mean, because you got a real problem, and make sure you explain to them exactly what the problem is. Tell them exactly what. Tell them about that guy, tell them...

...about that girl, tell them about the money. Tell about how they're tread you. You make sure you tell them about all that. Tell them how it's making you feel and how you can't sleep. It's making you nervous and you're really worried about yourself and everything. And I want you to understand some trust me on this. They're going to give you a pill. You're going to get a pill. Okay, I want you to know that you're going to get a pill. Unfortunately, they're not going to give you the pill. They ain't going to give you the pill that's going to help you. They may give you a pill and it may not work at all and they may have to sort of like switch around the pills and may have you on that gravy train of the next ten years to sort of like jockey and around the pills to find the magic combination of pills for your particular disease. Because they mean, I think you have the disease of alcoholism. They may think you have some sort of other disease. You know, you know, but they'll give you some sort of pill. But if you want to do the thing in here, we have a thing in here that if you do what we suggest, these promises, I mean these steps, they says you're going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. No far, no matter how far down the deal you go, you can see where you can help others that feeling of uselessness. You're not going to feel unworthy or uses any world more. You're not going to be telling youself if you're a piece of shit all the time. You know when you tell yourself, hey, you want to hear something? When you tell yourself you're a piece of shit. I know you guys. I'm not saying any of you guys. I'm not talking about you guys now. I'm not talking about you. I don't want you to feel like I'm lady when you because I know you guys aren't involved in that. So I was involved with that. I've got that form of alcoholism. I've got great emotional mental disorders. You know, good thing is, even if you have great emotion, even we can, we can recover, you know. But but I have the kind of alcoholism, where every once while I would tell myself I'm I'm an Asshole, in how to kill myself. I put myself down, I'd say bad things to myself about myself. Now I know you guys are you guys have like a milder level of disease. You probably don't go through this, but just in case there's a person here that has that thought all once in a whill where it actually breaks through and you hear yourself telling yourself that you're a piece of shit. Okay, I want I want to let you know something. That that void, where that voice is coming from. You know that's yeah, you ever hear anybody in a when I first came in, they used to talk about the committee. They ever talk about the committee in here? Oh, the committee, you know, the fiftyzero voices. Don't worry about the committee, because at least you're invited to the meetings. You understand what I'm saying. But but listen, when that piece a when that voice breaks through and tells you your piece of Shit and tells you're an idiot, like out of nowhere. You're not doing it just Bam, breaks right through. That comes from the executive committee. Now the executive committee meets in secret. They don't even tell you about the meetings. Every once in a while you just they just send up a message. You might as well kill yourself. You're worthless, you're a piece of crap. Now let me explain you what the problem is. What the problem is is, and this is what the problems is that most alcoholics don't realize that that thinking your piece of shit and thinking badly about yourself and thinking useless and thinking worthless, useless. That's that's actually a part of the disease of alcoholism, it says in lesson. Until an alcohol accepts his alcoholism and then all its consequences, his sobriety will be precarious and, if true happiness, so find none at all. That's one of the consequences of being an alcoholic thinking you're a piece of shit deep down inside. So the truth of the matter is is that is that when you are telling yourself your a piece of shit, or you're telling yourself is your reputation about who you are with yourself, that's who you think you are. And so what I want you to know is, just because you only hear it maybe once a week, don't don't be fooled. The thinking, you're not hearing it all the time, that all your actions and everything you do throughout your life all day long, somehow, deep down inside, below your conscious thinking, is this idea that you're an asshole and you might as well tell yourself and you're unworthy. You're unworthy. It operates. That fear of people because you're not worthy, you're not smart enough for good. That fear and people operates all the time. It's part of alcoholism. It's one of the things we work on here. That's the new freedom, the freedom from that and the new happiness. That's what it is. Sometimes it takes just years in here just to figure sometimes it takes years of working this thing and working this thing and working this thing just to be able to see the little nuances in the consequences of this disease. That's the deal, you know. I mean it's, what do they say denial. It' is not just a river, river in...

Egypt. So when I was, when I was I don't know how old I was. How old was I when this out? Twenty five years old, twenty six. I met a woman that I've told this story before because a little bit more to what I met a woman that I said to myself, if I can marry this gal or get the scal to love me or I could love her, everything would change in my life and everything would be wonderful. I mean she came from a really great family. Father was a doctor, mother was a lawyer. She was a very nice looking, wonderful Gal, you know, just super guys, everybody. So I did what most alcoholics do. You know, believe me, I'm an alcoholic. I wonder what she had. I was one of the going to any length to get it and I turned on the charm and I did whatever I could to sell myself to her and we got married. And we got married and I graduated law school and went to work for a state attorney's office down here and we moved into a Nice House on Miami beach and I got a job as a dishoot the attorney pros geting major crimes cases and and we had a son, a wonderful son who I was with over the Christmas so last night and today, and I have four kids now and four kids and seven grandkids. But and so we had a wonderful life. I I I remember I said, if I can only have this Gal. I'd be okay. If I could only have this Gal, I could be okay. Everything would be fine. If I only had that house, I'd be okay. If I only had that car, be okay. If I only could be a lawyer, I'd be okay. If I could only work for the District Attorney's office, I'd be okay. If I can only make x number of dollars a year, I'd be okay. If I could only get the whole package together, I'd be okay. And I got the whole package together, but you know those packages, they have a if you're an alcoholic, they have a half life and you know, after I got at that package together, it was like it was like when you walk out of a meeting. You feel great for an hour, maybe two hours. And so what happened was I got married, I got all that stuff together and I was feeling good and then one day I didn't feel so good. One day I didn't feel so good. I was board. Anybody ever buy a new car is a great when you buy a new car and you're in this beautiful new car, you drive around this new car, and but what happens when it's a year down the road? And you need tires and the cars in new anymore. It doesn't feel so good right and a working for you. Now you start thinking I need another car or maybe a motorcycle or something like so, you see, what happened was I was feeling really good with this young lady and my son in the house. But what happened was is after around I don't know how long. I wonder how long it took. I'm not sure I know how long. I'm trying to think of how long it took before I started looking at the other women. Probably the same as about it like a car. Car takes about a year. I think, six months, Ay, months. How long does it take before you you're dissatisfied with the car? If you think, you take a guess. I know a year too. Definitely two years. You got to get a new car every two years. Two years, it's an old car, you know what I mean. So maybe I was married for two years before I started looking at the other women and I start I don't know what you just w she it just wasn't working for me anymore. You understand what I'm saying? Wasn't my fault or hurt if I just did was something missing. You know, I enjoyed the chase. He's you know, she wasn't. First of all, she didn't like my drinking thing. She kept unhearping me about the drinking and we drank before we got married, so she know about the drinking and she didn't like me hanging out with the bars, and I would hang out of the bars. You don't you know when I would hang out in the bars. You know I have to work, I go to the bar instead of going home. When I hang about, you know what's in the bars? You know it's in the bars. You know what's in the bar. You ever drinking bars? You know it's in the bars. Women are in the bars. Aren't there women in the bars? What's your name, Kevin? Are the women in the bars? You ever got to bars and look at women? Okay, you go one other guy who things like yeah, Paul, you're laughing, you don't know what it's like and so, but I'd look at these women. I never cheated on my wife. I just think about cheating under alive, you know. Then I get home drunk at four o'clock in the morning and stuff like that. She didn't like that. She'd get mad at me you know, you ever know, is that when a woman gets mad at you and scold you and stuff like that, it's sort of makes your less attractive. Did you know that, Paul? It's true, it does. It does. It's very hard to have sex with a woman when she's own again, saying bad things to you know what I mean, especially when it's not working for you anymore. So what happened is, well, this is just my life. This is nothing with you guys. But so, what happened was one day I came told me, if I come Home Drug War Day One more times, you gonna leave me. I came home drunk and she kicked me out of the House and that was the end of my marriage, a five year marriage lost, my house, lost, my wife, lost, my sons, just things that should be the most important thing to...

...me. There it was gone. And you know, and you want to know what I was thinking, I was thinking I was happy. You know why? I was happy? Because I felt free. It's like the new freedom. I felt like I was in a cage and she was giving me permission to go to the bars now hang out with you gals. So I was thinking it was a good thing. You know what I mean and and you know, and the way I think. Yes, I have this way of thinking. It's called rationalization. I rationalize, you understand. I told myself rational lies. That makes sense to me, that we got married too young, that we were really different people, you know what I mean, that we maybe have made made a mistake. It was just a mistake, you know, the national as a mistake, and wasn't her fault of my fault, but it was the right thing. As matter of fact, it was the best thing for her for me to leave. And every day, I remember, she wanted to go to a marriage counselor. She wanted to go to marriage counselor, and I don't know why she wanted to do that, but I went because I felt, you know, I went. I think I felt a little guilty because I loved their parents, they loved me and they did everything for me and she was a nice girl and I was walking out on her. I think I felt a little bit of guilty. Yeah, I still had, apparently the capacity to feel ashamed or feel guilty. You know what I mean. You know, if you drink a lot, you can get rid of that. No, no, if you drink a lot, you can get rid of guilt. You can get a shame, you know what I mean. You can you can sell yourself on the idea that it's not your fault. And but I went to the match counselor and he asked my life. He asked my wife at that time. He said, so, what do you want to change about Russell and what are the three things? She named three things. I know what she said. I wasn't really paying attention. I was really concerned about the whole thing was I didn't I it was daunting upon me that if this thing worked, I would have to go back into the marriage and I already had a date for Friday night, you know what I mean. So I want to do that stuff. And so when he asked me, what are the three things you want to change about your your wife, I said I just want to date of the women. And that was the end of that was the end of the session for some reason. And so I got divorced now and I walked away from that wife and I walked away from that child. I used to I used to have visitation with that child, you know, I like on Saturday. I told him I was going to take them to the zoo and I really meant to take him to the zoo. I said a lot of things I really meant, but then Saturday came along and that Gal, you know, Donna, called me up and said she said, you want to go out to the boat with on the boat with us, and I'm thinking, do I take my son to the zoo or go on the boat with you know, Donna, with the drinking of the Saxon? And so I would go out on the boat, anchors away, you know, and I wouldn't even call my son. You know, I think, I think, you know, that Rashley's I think it's better for him. He'll have a better time with his month and going to the zoo with me. So he just be waiting for me like you know, by the way. You know who lives their lives like that? Bums live their lives like that, evil bums. I was an evil bum. Now I like to tell myself I'm basically a good guy. That's why I tell myself that I'm basically a good guy, but I was really a bum with a three piece suit and a law degree. I was a selfish, self centered bum. Now and you know, when you live your life that way, no matter how much you drink and no matter how much tell yourself that it's not your fault, and you know how much tell youself that you're not to blame, no matter how much you tell yourself that you're okay and you're basically a good boy. No matter how much you tell yourself, deep down inside you know you're an age. You know that voice that you hear every once in a while that you say, how to kill myself because I'm a piece of shit and I'll never be okay. You know where that voice comes from. It comes from that Shit. Nobody knows how big an Asshole am than me. Now I can't look people in the I couldn't look people in the eyes. I can look people in the eyes that I could look to weep in the eyes. You know, if you were a woman and I was talking you, I'd be looking at your chest. You might think I was looking at your chest because I'm looking at your brass or something. That wasn't what I just couldn't look you when the eye could not look people. I'd I I couldn't look at him in the eye. I was so deep down ashamed of myself and who I was. I thought if you could look me in the eyes, you'd see who I really was, or the one thing I want to never let you see us who I really was. You know, when you know you're a piece of crap and you know you're an asshole and you know all the Shit you did, no matter how much you try to bullshit people, you know deep down everyone's while that voice pops out of here, you got to kill yourself, your piece of crap, because who operates that way? Who Does Shit like that? You know, I came in here and I had...

...it. You know, I come in here, I have no testimony, I have no story, I don't know. All I know is I got all these feelings, all these emotions and all these thoughts that are driving me crazy. It's all you can do to have me sit and one flipping place for one hour and listen to what's going on, and half the time I'm not listening, I'm just going to you know, you see, ever see I see it. I'm like every part of my body is moving, my arms are moving, my legs are moving. I mean, I'm just Jones it because I can't see even sit in one place, let it all, try to figure out what the Hell's wrong. With me weeks down the roads, down the road, when I finally get to the point where I'm even getting ready to because I want what they have, only going any late. I don't even understand why we have to do these steps. All of a sudden, what is it like? Six months, a year down the ROADOLPS and I'm doing the four step on all of a sudden I'm actually even talking about this leaving my wife and all sort of stuff that I'm seeing, this shit and everything. So finally, when I finally got to the point where and and you know, you do know that if I acted this way with my former wife and if this is the kind of person I was, about, the kind of dishonest, evil person I was my former wife, you do know that I had a lot of other people in my life. You do know that she's not the only one. You do know that my four step does not just contain my former wife, you know. You know I'm just telling I'm just telling you one example. Okay. And so the day came where I made amends to her. You know you don't want to make amends because you're a shame, but I somehow scurried up the courage to go in and see her. She had gotten cancer and she was in the hospital. I was saw it. You know what I said to her. I said I told her I was an alcoholic and I told her I was wrong for how I treated her. I didn't at first say I'm sorry because I'm so used. I'm an alcoholic. I'm so used to saying I'm sorry. You know I mean I'm sorry. For me is easy. I can say I'm I lived a life saying I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I didn't really mean I'm sorry. But I told you I'm sorry. I'm saying, look, I said I was sorry. Get off my ass. You know what I mean. I'm look, I know I raped your wife and killed your dog and burned down your house, but I said I'm I'm saying I'm sorry. What the Hell was wrong with you? You're supposed to forgive me so that I don't feel bad. You know I didn't really you know, sorry, I just meant get off my back and tell me I'm okay, but I never said I'm wrong and I had a I look at her until I was wrong and for the way she tried treated her and tell her all that sort of stuff, and I'm sure I didn't even have as much insight as I have now. But and she know what she told me. She said she thought she was wrong, she thought she should have hung in there. She thought I said, listen, you weren't wrong. You hung in there, we wouldn't even be able to talk today because I'm a selfish self. said that you didn't do anything wrong, I was wrong. I'm going to I want to finish this up by just saying I'm just going to tell you a little something about my life now. I should mention the fact that, and I'm not saying I'm cured or anything like that, but I should mention the fact that a day did come where where I started realizing this no freedom of this, no happiness, and I stopped telling myself I'm an asshole and on. It's all that stuff. I started losing fear of people and that I'm insecurity and a stuff. So it does work, just to me, maybe a lot, little bit longer than most you know, but any event, I just want to tell you a little something, to share a little something with you that I'm not sure whether I was shared this before. So I'm going to have thirty nine years in January. I've made my amends to my first wife. Another words, I don't I don't go over in my mind. I don't have the guilt, the guilt, you know, so much where I can't talk to her. I don't have one of these deals where, yeah, if you're an alcoholic, you'll see somebody across the street and you'll turn around sing, man, I hope he doesn't see me. You'll wear you'll get a phone call and you want it. You want it, you want to have that phone idea to see whether's somebody want to talk about, you know, talk to you know. I mean when you're in alcohol you actually worried about who you run into and what you're going to say to them. So I don't have that deal anymore. I can run into anybody on the planet. It doesn't matter to me. I don't fear anybody running into anybody, any telephone calls for anybody. I don't walk around with that crap going on. You know, I've dealt with all that, including my formal wife. I just wishing the best and you know, we don't communicate so much. She lives someplace else. I live done here, but I could talk to her and I could sit out with it. There's no problem with that. But I want to tell you something, and this is after I did the step and this is just I'm just throwing that out there. You may not understand and maybe one day you will understand it. I'm now a when I walked out of my former wife, I walked out of my inlaws, my father in law, my mother in...

...law, I had a child there. You know. I'm a grant, I'm a grandfather and I got seven grandkings. I have three daughters, grown daughters, you know, and a son, you know, and their s and s understand. They're married. Understanding to say, I'm a different person. I've been around for a while and I've got to tell you something. I would be lying to you, lying to you, if I said to you that when I think about what I did, let me tell you what the let me tell you what the the eighth and the Nice stepped up the eighth in the ninth step can relieve the fear, can relieve in a sense, the guilt. It'll never, ever ever wash away what you did. It'll never don't even think for one second. That will never make it. You know, they have this thing on TV with war, to damage like it never happened and make it like it never happened. It'll never make it like it never happened. You know, when I think back, I'm walking out at my first one and I got married again and I've married to my second wife for like thirty nine years now. We got three kids and have a good marriage and an awesome but when I think back, when I this story, I told you the story I just told you about my first life. If somewhere during that story you didn't, you didn't you started thinking it's okay and what an Asshole, or you started thinking something like man, that's that's horrible. Listen, I want you to know that when I think about what I did back then and who I was and what this disease caused me and what I did to her and my first son and my and even though I made all the amends and I have, when I start thinking, it amazes me about how how bad what I did, how evil it was, how much it hurt people and the people I heard peep, my my inlaws, my wife, my first wife. It amazes me and you know, at first I sort of like a little bit concerned about that and then I started thinking, I'm glad I can think, I'm glad I can tell that story and I'm glad. I'm glad that I can think about how I hurt those people because, believe me, I'm an alcoholic and it humbles me. It humbles me. I want to make sure I never start thinking about what a good guy I am and how want let me tell you something. Without this program, without God in my life, without these steps, that's the person. I never delude myself and the thinking I'm a nice guy and a good person. Without this program, without these meetings, without my sponsor, without these steps, that's who I am. That's who I would become. I would do that shit again. There's no doubt in my mind. You know that's the kind of person I am. But because this program, I don't do that stuff anymore. And when you don't do that stuff anymore, I can tell you this. When you don't hurt people and you don't act do stupid things, you don't have to run around making amends. You know. I tell you that. You know. So that's a good news. So thank you very much. There are still time for brain desire to drink harm.

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