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Episode 6 · 1 year ago
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Episode 6 · 1 year ago
Russell S - The Guilt & Fear of a Selfish Heart @ West Dixie Club 2019-2020 #9
ABOUT THIS EPISODE
Hi, my name is Russell spats. I'm analcoholic hi guys, remember the soutics he grew up in you know. Were we just drove up here? Ithink my group, where I come from, is bact fifty miles forty or fifty milessouth of yer and it's good to behind Christmas Day I haven't found my ster to have drinksince January. Twenty F E thousand nine hundred and eighty one so 'coming up on my thirty nighthanniversary in this thesteamed fellowship and I've made it my business.I go to a lot of meanings, but I've always made my business on ChristmasDay and Christmas Eas and New Year's day new years Ev, you knowaround those times always make my busiess make sure I go to an a meeting. I I got sober on January t twent D, fifthninetenty one. So it was around this sort of period of time that I got tothat. I start hating. My my bottom, a SMAFIC, my spiritual bottom, where Ireally hid bottom, was on December twenty fifth Christmas morning at threeo'clock, N T mon one thousand nine hundred and eighty so thirty nine years ago, at three o'clockin the morning is when I really hit my knees and asked God to help me withthis teal, so I've always felt because Les's, we allhave our own stories and I've always felt, though that's when you know Yo,you hit bottom. When you hit bottom, I mean I'm sure you coan hit as bad abottom as I hit in April, but I haven' hit my fi ONA on Christmas DayChristmas morning, and you know as an alcoholic between the during Christmas timeme for at least istwo week period of time. Where is it like a few days before Christmas, andyou know a couple days after newyears? That would be the time that was made, especially for Alcoholis, I'm notsryr drove. I drew a sober breath during thatperiod of time. That was the time I waited for that's when it's okay to bedrunk all the time, and- and so you always have these incredibly,if you're in alcoholp like me, always have these incredibly high expectationsas to what Christmas is going to be like, and you know it's all romantic and you knowyou idealize Christmas and, and so that was the deal for a longperiod of time in my life, but but if it is possible to be anAlcoholican very depressed- and I am a self pidioholic- I probably did my realdepression time around Christmas and the years o othousand nine hundred nd eighty. So I've always felt that as far as service is concerned, I wantto be somewhere around Daa during the during that time during Christmas,because I forget that theyre there may be somebody in an a room, that's sortof like all alone w. We feel pretty lonely as it is, but all alone no placeto go on Christmas and feeling particularly down on themselves like their life, is over. Weparticularly hopeless, so I awas want to. I always think it's great time togo to a so I'm so happy that you guys are here andyou guys showed up I'm going to talk a little bit bout. You know, as I said, you know, it saysour stories tisclose and it was general Wi what used to be likein? Whathappened? What we're like now and- and you know I started doing step series.Probably when I was about you know eight or nine years over, so I've been doing them, for you knowclose to thirty years now and my story and how I look at things ischanged. You know I mean, is grow older and things happen to you and you gothrough stuff. It says the way we get a new perspective is unbelievably painfult by repeated humiliations, to find a question ofr her self sufficiency. Wefinally surrender a little bit more and we change now. I don't know how long you guys aresober. I mean we probably have people hear ther sober count, maybe otherpeople county days. I don't think there were people couty days here, but maybeYis over year or two or three or five or ten ord, twenty, whatever it is, but more than likely, no matter how longyoure sober you' probably agree that, since coming into Aloolsanomason, notdrinking your your ideas about who you are and what you are and what'simportant, what's not important to you, probably YOUV, probably changed fromwhen you came in here. Have you noticed that that you've had a change inthinking? You know I used to think it was okay to drink. That's true! I used to I came daybecause I couldn't stop drinking. I used to think it was okay to drink. Iused to think that there was no way I could not TRINP. I couldn't envision life. I hadforgotten ISAID. I came in when I was thirty one years old. I had forgottenthat up until the age of fourteen years old, I didn't drink alcohol. I thoughtI drank Aupu by the time I got here. I thought I never. I drank a alcohol. Iguess all my life. I could an envision...
...going through life for that drinking. All of a sudden I come toalcoholisanomas a few and after a few weeks, all of a sudden I can envisiondrinking again. That's a pretty big change in attituderignt! Well, you know. One of the things Ilearned about this disease is not only as a cunning baffling, but it's it centers. In your mind, not your bodyand the alcohol drinking is not even the disease. It's a symptom of disease,the real disease centers in my mind it has to o the way. I'm thinking youdon't have to be an egg too long before you realize maybe some maybe aroundthree o'clock in the morning that there's a possibility might just becrazy. You know you just you know, like you know, you put your stop drinkingand you're all grateful about that and all of a sudden one morning you wake up,and you notice that you have actually cash on the Dresser and where did thatcome from and people start patting on your back and saying you look rat oryou sound great. All of a sudden. You know maybe every once in a while. youstart feeling good about yourself. Instead of feeling like a piece of crap,you know hat I mean you so wart to figure, maybe maybe you sort offigureing like you're. Okay, now I'm okay! Now you know I'm home, I'm okay now and then all ofa sudden that day comes where you realize your nuts. You realize thatthere's something going on with you. It has nothing to do with Scotch ordrinking or smoking or Snortin as them. It's your like your mind, you're justyou're, obsessively worried about something or Yo, anxious, bat's, a high anxiety,dranxious Worryd, you feel guilty, you feel crappy, you feel worthless if feeluseless. You know, and you KDOW' May come upon you, that youstart thinking that maybe there's something maybeyou're suffering fromsomething more than just the drinking thing and and what you're suffering from issomething called. This is my opinion. Based upon myexperience, you don't have to buy intoany of thesstuff when you find yourself thinking crazy thoughts about yourself and otherpeople. You know bad thoughts about yourself and other people, maybe you'llla ther, in off in the shower and all of a sudden. You hear this voice andthe voice tells you you might as well tell yourself, because your piece ofcrapping you'r three months ober and all of a sudden your mind is tellingyou might as well tell yourself thin, Youre, stupid and you're never going tobe okay and you know you're a loser and N W Y. You know everyonce a while.That's sat if comes upou you, you know, you know. I remember one day my sponsorasked me how you doing I said I'm doing great and he says you must be gettingyour own way and I was than five minutes later. I wasn't. I wasn'tfeeling so good. You know I mean yeah, there's a lot of emotional jags thathappend as during your first ten or fifteen years Soer. You know you're upyou're up your down and you're up you're down you're strong, your wea. You knowyou're all over the place. So let me let me try to help you outwith this, because I've been through this deal. I want you to know that whenyou find yourself crazy with all sorts of emotions andobsessions and fears and worries and anxiety, runningamunk and inability to control, you're thinking and you're worrying, you know you ever anybody ever wake up at threeo'clock in the morning worrying about something yeah Youeverbo you ever worriabout something the same thing, the same thing. Maybe it's money I don't know could be anything could beromance. I don't know just P pick it pick a subject. You know you ever find yourself worrying aboutthe same thing. Youwlik like for a week like, maybe you can put it away. Maybeyou can get busy on something, so you can it'll distract you and you won't beworried about it, but then, then what happens is, but it comes back againlike it's like a constant worry about the same thing and the same thing andthe same thing and you might even wake up at like four o'clock in the morning.You know O of a sound sleep and you're thinkingabout the same thing. You know maybe you're losing sleep overit whatever it is, you know I don't know. Sometimes it's Mondy, sometimesit's romance could be a lot of fense kind of. Sometimes you worry about whatother people are thinking about. Yout, probably always worryie about thatstuff. You're worried about. What's going tohappen to you in the future, someingthatg happened in the past andeverything like that, and you know I remember I used to say tomyself things like this I'd wake up at four o'clock the morning and of courseyou got that other wordy. You got to go to work. You got to do something youyouworried now that you're not getting any sleep, and so I used to say to myself Igon TA. Stop. I gotto stop worrying about this. Imean it actually dawned upon me. I was actually aware of the fact that myworrying about this thing, whatever it was, wasn't actually helping me out. You know if I was worried about moneywhich was kind of thing. He tappen me a lot. I was broke. A Lot, and one of thereasons I was brokee ot by the way is...
...this is a mysterious thing I found outabout this nine years sober one of the reasons I was proke. Alot is when you,when you spend more money than you make you go into something called Tebt, I'mgiving you guys, like just in case you're weredering. Why you're alwaysbroke if t ef? That's if you ever conserned about money, I just like you, don't have to waitnine years in sobriety and do all the steps to figure this out. It has something to do with spendingmoney. You don't have you know like. Maybe you have a creditcard and your buying stuff anyway, and then you worried about paingle Breadicard doesn't get to take it away because you can't make you only makethose minimum payments for a period of time I mean so I had this. I used to buy stuff that I you know with money. I didn't have to impresspeople, I didn't even like you know, and you Kno, it's all sorts of stuff,and I was not really good with money, butthe bottom line is, I used to remember waking up all the time worryieg aboutthe money thing. What I s going to do, get the money for this that it dawned to pom me one day I said tomyself: I'm sitting there at three thirty four o'clock in the morning Isaid to myself: I got to stop worrying about this I'd. Actually you know I used to say tomyself. I remember saying myself: some you know, as draking got really reallybad. I remember saying to myself waking up the moon and say myself this. I gotto stop drinking anybody ever try to control thei drinking Yeav, you everyou ever like up morning and say you ever declare you ever declare. I'm notgonna have a drink. Today you ever tell you you ever say: I'm not going to buyboos today, I'm not going to have a drink today. You know you ever do that.I used to do that all the time and- and I was strong, let me tell Yosomething I ment o I wasn't foling around and but the problem Ias hesidealways by the booze. You ever declare thatyou're not going to buy booze and then you buy the booze anyway, you ever sayI'm notgoinno o the bar and you ed up in the Bar Anyway, you er say I'm notgoing to drink today and you end up drinking anyway. Alcoholics. Do that by the way Iwouldn't want, you o get worried about that. That's part of the disease, it'spart of being an addict. So when you tell yourself when you stop drinking- and you tellyourself your really not going to worry about thes shit anymore, and then youworry about it anyway, you know what I mean and it's pretty you and it'skilling you, but you can't stop thinking about it. That's that's! Don'tget too concerned that', something called alcoholism. That's whatalcoholism looks like that's the real alcoholism, that's the alcoholism thatdoesn't come in bottles. That's the alcoholism! That censors in your mind,not your body! That's the insanity, that's the kind of insane thinkingthey're talking about when, after you get after you become entirely ready tohave got, remove the booze. You know the first step, that's the insanitythey're talking about when you you start saying, you start realizing thatGod couldn't. Would you don't restore you to sanity? Anthat? The second step? What is the second stepsay he'll? You come to believe that he willrestore you to Sanidy. Well, the only people that get to be need to berestored to sanity or people who are insane in the first place. So now, ofcourse, the Second Sep, the big book is very nice to alcoholics. I've mentionedthis before it's very nonconfrontational. It says Maye. Whatdoes it say, claime to believe that you know higher power would restoressosaturday. It doesn't say things like youre nuts and you, your sponsor, saysstuff like that. I supo would say things like that. I'd, say: You'reyou're, trying to brainwash me and say: Well, maybe your brain needs washing orhe'd say he says your best thinking, Rushelland your best tay got you intothis thing. An O, Hey, say the grouch on the brain storm. Is it for us?That's another way of the big book in a nice way. Saying thats, you not thinkat all. You know best to not think at all. No thinking for you, you know, youknow that where's. That sign thing think thank they have that sign up here.Think thing thing. My sponsii said what about that thing think think sieses!That's not for you. That's Really Hee you've got you'r one of theee altpoicsthat have grave emotional and mental disorders. You know the thinking is not. I Have I've sponsored hundreds of menIV spoke to also. I was on relay for eight years inthis town n every Friday night. You know and I've never dealt with an alcoholic whowas in distress or worried or in crisis, where wasn't preceded by a whole lot ofthinking, but the problem is, is you're an alcoholic is you're addicted tothinking you can't stop the thinking now. One of the great things aboutthings like prayer and the srety prayer...
...and going to beatings is one of thethings that will happen to you and Hay. That you'll notice is that you canactually go to an a meeting. You can't necessarily early on do thisin your car. You can't necessarily early on do thisin your house, because the disease is that strong, but you might notice thatif you go to an a meeting and you sit there at an a meeting and you followinstructions like you say these Rit, you do the moment of sign meitation andyou save this rendy prayer and then some guy starts talking and hopefullyhe's talking in such ways that he captures your interest. And you startlistening to him and then you start listening to other people as it goesaround the room and things like you may find for like at least an hour periodof time. A E bere found this for about an hour you're, not thinking as anybodyrealize that when you go to Amei at least for an hour now, when I say anhour now, I understand I recognize the fact, because it's happenedg to mesometimes that the alcoholic thinking is so strong that you don't actuallycome to and come out of it until you're half an hour into the meeting. Iunderstand you could be sitting in the meeting and thinking all sorts ofsuicidal horseshit, while the meetings going on for you know good twentyminutes or thirty minutes before you wake up and you start paying attentionto the mean I get that can happen because that's how serious this diseaseis. But one of the reasons why meetings work so well for alcoholics is becausewhen you go to meetings, it's like a speedbump, it's like a speed bump withthe crazy thinking, it'll sort of stop you thinking, Frin, and let me tell yousomething when you can take an alcoholicchoos. All their thoughts areselfish, selfcentered fear, driving thoughts about themselves, bad thoughtsabout themselves and other people, and you can put a stop to that for just anhour without having to use massive doses of drugs or Elec electro therapy,or something like that when you can do that most alcohoics feel good aftermeetings. That's why you feel good. You know that you owsa that's why alchosfeel good after meeting ecause for at least an hour you're, not thinking thebullshit you're, not thinking the poison. Your thoughts are the poison.Your thoughts are your poison. Now we are so tied in. We have these old ideasthat we're very, very, very smart, and the last thing you want to give ingive up is the right to to our opinions, and we don't want people telling us notto think a certain way, because whe're, the chief characteriscum of Al Pocsis,were defiant, which means you know, no matter what Itell you to do, you're going to tell me to go to hell. You don't know what I'mtalking about, but the bottom line is is for me my thoughts at least early onWeth, the poison, and I had a somehow coming here overperiod of Boyi'l Te. I wish I could tell you that after a week or two ortwenty eight days, all of a sudden, this crazy, chronic nonsensical, suicidal horrible thinkingsort of goes away. But you know I came ind. I was thirty one years old, I havethirty one years of twenty four seven thinking crazy thoughts about myselfand other people. Most of the time thinking I was right and I heard a lotof people believing I have the Bilito be an assole and her a lot of peoplesober I', an alcoholto do crazy things. I think crazy thoughts. But to me thethoughts I have and the feelings I have, I don't think they're crazy. They makesense to me and by the way I like hanging around people that think, likeme, you know as Merv T. I think that ifeverybody thought like me, the world would be wonderful. That's one of myproblems. I don't even see the problem. You know the first step in getting outof jail is knowing you're in jail in the first place, now Wewe. Finally,fire out that we're addicted to alcohol and we start doing something about itand following instructions. The alcohol problem may go away, but if tay takeweeks or months or maybe even years to realize the real alcoholism, the one thatcenters in your mind, not your body, we want so hard to hold on to ourindividuality. My sponso used to say: Why do you do the things you do? Why doyou say the stuff? You say: Why do you think the stuff? You think and I'd sayto him this I'd say: That's just my personality, you ever think of I everyou SAR. You ever think you sai! Well, that's my personality. Don' try to takemy personality away from me. You sort of think you have like Great PrettyNice personality and everything like that and my sponsor used to say, mesas.Well, Rus, it's your personality, that's killing you! What do you do? Iunderstand the BOOZ part. What do you do when your sponsor tells you that's?What's killing you ish your personat? How do you get tell me how you got anew personow? How do you get a new personality? How do you do that...
...when you're in here and you can't stopthinking, you can't stop doing stupid things and you're hating everything that moves andmost of all, you hate yourself, you know and how does how do you change yourpersonality? You know, how do you change to a person?That's not thinking shit about other people all the time. How do you stopfeeling? Sorry for yourself? How do you stop thinking about yourselfall the time? Do I mean how do you do that? You know yeah, you go to a meeting and for anhour, maybe you stop thinking, and you start feeling better and all of suddenmeetings over and you're feeling good cau. You went to Ameet and then you getin your car and you drive, and I know I want what's thehalf life of me, what is it like? An nout then, all of a sudden, the hour,lady you're thinking, bullshit again five minutes later you're thinkingfullshit again, maybe you see a a billboard of a verynice car. You say man. Why can't I have a car like that? You go home and watch TV. Maybe you gota phone call or something anything anything anti you off and upset you. Imean when do you when you get to the point where the world and the people inthis world don't Driv the what I say the wrong doings of others: Fancy toReal Imaginary Shit. Have the power to to. When do you get the point wherethis world and things of this world don't have the power to kill you? When do you get to the point where youknow where, if you get a bill in the mail, you know and you open it up andhas an IT ASKD for money. Florida power lighter somebody, calls you and youdon't have the money. Where do you gat the Pount, where it doesn't drive mecrazy? You know this is A. This. Is a toughworld right, they're, always all sorts of things you got to do and you ever notice that you ever noticedthis that you ever get into a fight with somebody,and now they say that they say we fighting there. We stopped findingeverybody, even alcohol. You have you ever seen that in a big. Well, you everget into it arguent with somebody. You ever get into an argue withsomebody where you're right well, you've never got into an argumentwith somebody when you're wrong you're always right, but I mean you ever getToargu with somebody where you're really right, I mean Youre ougy right,you should be allowed to kill them because they're so stupid. You knowwhat I mean you know so so, and you get into a bad argument. Maybeyou say something to hem or whatever it is and yeah after one of thosearguments, if you ever had one of them, you ever you ever noticed that when youwalk away from an argument with somebody Youssometimes, you still think aboutthe argument. You ever go over the argument in your mind. He said this andI said that, and she said this and I said that you ever you ever like changethe words you know what I mean you ever. Do that Shit. You ever like you sort oflike make up shit so that you're saying things that are really sharper thanthey were. You know that's how I should have said that maybe you ever Sart likereplay the argument in your mind, yeah you ever do that replaying. Theargument you mind like like three or four days down the roadyou haver Y, like three or four five days down the road letme as some whothe fuck does stuff, like that, what kind of insel h who does shit likethat? You know I mean you eveer, you ever do this after you've gone through the argument with somebodyand beat them up and your head and start thinking what assholes they areand how screwed up they are and how darethey say this and out? Dare they do that and thinking about what they'reprobably saying about you now and who they're saying that to, and you ever gothrough all that suffin lik you ever you ever hat the tail en of that, findyourself telling yourself your piece of Shit, telling yourself you're a loser. Whydoes that happen? Why does that happen that, when you getinto an argument with other people because they're idiots, why does ithappen down the road after you dump beatg them up? You tell yourself thatyou're a loser and a piece of crap, and you want to kill you. Why does thathappen o by the way I want? You worry about this stuff by the way that, ifthat ever happens to you, don't worry that it's just is just alcoholism. It's just the real disease. That's just the thing you battle forfifteen twenty! Twenty five years, that's after the booze! That's why, bythe way? That's why we go to these? That's why we do these steps. That'swhy you get sponsors, that's the real disease! How long that, does it take analcohol to realize that he's got an alcohol problem? I don't know it tookme fifteen years fifteen years and then once you realizeyou have a problem where you start thinking, you have a problem. How longis tiking alcoholic to actually do something about the problem instead ofplay around it? I don't know another year or two or something I don't know.How does that work? I don't know how that works. You know some people go onfor like twenty twenty. How long does it take for an alcoholic once they getrid of the alcohol to realize they got all these sort of thinking problemsanother fifteen years.
You think it happens like right away.Yiu think it happens immediately. Like you get sober, then all of a suddenafter the first week, you realize all these other crazy problems you have andwhat the deal is and everything or maybe maybe that's why they say the waywe got a new perspective of his rig, repeated umiliations and thef. Maybewhat has to happen is just like with the booze you just got to get in aShitload of trouble and a lot of pain over this particular problem. You'rehaving until you finally realize at nine years sobriety what the Hell iswrong with me. Why am I always broke? What the Hell is wrong with me. Why amI always feeling sorry for a what the Hell is wrong with me? Why am I onlyalways lonely? Maybe it takes another fifteen years or ten years or fiveyears or three years, whatever it takes of going through miseraby, misery andpain. Pains the touchstone before you admit, t yourself, I don't know,there's something wrong with I' better, maybe talk to my sponsor that, maybethat guy I heard speak of that a mean. Maybe he was right. Maybe I have some other problems. I gotto deal with you know this. is they got some seriousstuff going on here? So I want to talk a little bit aboutguilt and fear a little bit about guilt and fear, andsome other things so I want to. I do believe that it's important to whenever you speakin an a meeting togive some personal testimony, and I was sort of thinking about steps,eight and nine and making amends and things like that- anguilt duilts, a horrible thing. It's all part of fear, and things likethat. I like the way Dr Young Talks about thenew personality in the big book. It says when, when when he was confronted by whoas, theguy's name h kept on drinking the rich American business ban. You know guys, don't remember that I sa rich American businessman. He said now, knowing the end of the workine ofmy mind, drinking was impossible. His names skipped my mind now, but RollinHazar. Nevertheless, he was drunk in a coupleof weeks after you come out treatmhen and he went back to do young. He saidyou know, and Dr Young said he said said to he says you have the mind of achronic alcoholic by the way, if you're gere today you'rean Alcoholico of themind Om, chronic alcoholic because the disease ischronic and it's progressing said you have the mind of a chronic alcohol, hesays I've never been able to help somebody or that state of mind to exist. That's why psychiagrists dinl work withus now they can help you out a little I'm not putting down Sochitris, but youknow you seeing ha psychiatrist once a we ain't going to do the trick, for youguys and you gon, to do the trip for me. I saw the psychiacist before I came inhere. Didn't tidn, do much form e, maybe feel a little bit better, butyeah. They still have to developd a pill. That'll solve your problem. OyDon't have a pill that woild give you integrity or honest or stop the loneliness or anything likethat, but the bottom line he says you have the bind of chronicalcohol. Hesays. Is there no exception? He says yeah exceptions to your problem, youralcoholism. Your insanity has happened many times over the years, theirephenomena, that's a scientific word for a miracle. They don't understand it, listen if they understood the phenomena of emotional sobriety ifthey understood the phenomena which allows you to get the promises. Youknow those promises. What is the promises? You're going to know a newfreedom and a new happiness if they understood how to give you a new freamof new happiness if they under Yah? What does it say? Itsayswe'll lose fear of people, we won't worry about people and what they thinkabout ANDOF economic andsecure and won't worry about money. We won't worryabout people. We won't worry about anything. We wont even worry about what if theyknew how to do that deal with all the billions of dollars they have in allthe researche. They knew how to do that. Deal. We' have a pill for it today and close o. That thousand dollars apill, and you have to probably take it three times a day. They'd have a pillfor that Shit, they'd be selling to you. You know what I mean. Well, they gotpills. They got pills o no trust me you go to a doctor, you tell him, you tellHem what you're worryi about and when you go in there act veryemotional. You know, because it is your feelings and it is your life and youare different and you are unique and by the way and they should pay it and theyshould, and they should pay attention to you. You know what I mean, becauseyou got a real problem and make your explain to o exactly what the problemis. Tell thim exactly what I tell me...
...about that. Guy. Tell him about that.Girl! Tell him about the money telling about how theyre treatd you you makesure you tellhimg about all that. Tell mem how it's making you feeland, howyou can't sleep, it's making you nervous and you're really worried aboutyourself and everything, and I want you to understand some trust me on thisthey're going to give you a pill you're going to get a film okay. I wantyou to know that you're going to get o tell unfortunately they're not going togive you the pill. They ain't going to give you tee pil,that's going to help you, they Miyh, give you a pill and it maynot work at all and they may have to sort of like switch around the pills, and they have you on that gravy trainof the next ten years, Tus sort of like jockeying around the pills to find themagic combination appills for your particular disease, because they yo notthink you have the disease of Alpholism. They may think you have some sort ofother disease. You know you know, but theyl they'll give yousome sort of hill, but if you want to do the thing in ear, we have a thing inhere that if you do what we suggest these promises, I mean these steps. Heysays: You're going to know a new freedom and a new happiness, no FR, no matatter! How far down thedeal you go, you're Goin, to see where you can help others that feeling ofuselessness, you're not going to feel unworthy or uses any world more you're,not going to be telling yourself your piece of shit all the time. You know when you tell yourself hey,you want to hear something when you tell yourself you're a piece of shit. Iknow you guys, I'm not saying any of you guys, I'm not talking about youguys. No, I'm not talking about you. I don't want you feel, like I'm lave Winhyou, because I know you guys aren't involved in that. So I was involvedwith hit. I've got that form of alcholism. I've got grave emotionalmental disorders. You know t e good thing is even if you havegrave emotion, even wee can we can recover. You know, but but I have thekind of alcoholism where every once n. While I would tell myself I'm I'm anassholen now to kill myself, I put myself down I'd, say bad thingsto myself about my son. Now I know you guys are you guys havelike a milder level of the disease? You probably don't go through this, butjust in gase there's a person here that has that thought all once in a whilewhere it actually breaks through, and you hear yourself telling yourself thatyou're a piece of ship okay, I want. I want to let you knowsomething that that Voi, where that voice is comingfrom. You know, that's yeah. You ever hear anybody in Tay when I first came e,they used to talk about the committee. You ever talked about the Comidian hereold, the committee. You know the fifty thousand voices don't worry about the committee,because at least you're invited to the meetings. You understand what I'msaying, but but listen when that piece of when that voice breaks through andtells you your piece of Shit andtils you're, an idion like out of nowhereyou're, not doing it just Bam, breaks right through that comes from theexecutive committee. Now the executive Tobini meets andsecret. They don't even tell you about themeetings every once in a while you just they just send up a message. You mightas well kill yourself you're worthless your a piece of crap. Now, let meexplain you what the problem is, but the problem is is- and this is what theproblem is, is that most alcoholics don't realize that that thick in yourpiece of shit and thinking badly about yourself and thinking useless andthinking worthless, useless. That's that's actually, a part of the diseaseof alcoholism. It says UN lesson until an alcohol caccepts his alcoholism andthen all its consequences. His sobriety will be precarious and if too happynhetso fun than it all, that's one of the consequence of being an alcoholicthinking, you're a piece of shit deep down inside so the truth of the matteris is that is that when you are telling yourself your piece of shit well,you're telling yourself is your repuation about who you are with yourself. That'swho you think you are, and so what I want you to know is justbecause you only hear it maybe once a week, don't don't be foolled of the thinking.You're not hearing it all the time that all your actions and everythingyou do throughout your life all day, long, somehow deep down side below yourconscious thinking is this idea that you're an asshole ind you might as wellKal yourself and you're unworthy, you're, unworthy. It operates that fearof people, because you're not worthy you're, not smart enough for good o.That fear of people operates all the time. It's part of alcoholism, it's oneof the things we work in here. That's the new freedom, the freedom from thatand the new happiness. That's what it is. Sometimes it takes just years inhere just to figure out. Sometimes it takes years of working this thing andworking this thing and work in this thing just to be able to see the littlenuances, an the consequences of this disease. That's the deal, you know, Imean it's. What do they say? Denial, it's not just the river river in EAGHYP.So when I was...
...when I was, I don't know how old I was. How old wasI Wen this out? Twenty five years old? Twenty six: I met a woman that I'vetold this story before betcause a little bit more to what I met a womanthat I said to myself. If I can marry this cow or get the Scouto lovely or Icould love her, everything would change in my life and everything would bewonderful. I mean she came from a really great family D. Father was adoctor. Mother was a lawyer. She was a very nice looking d, Wonderful Gal, youknow just Super Galis Everybod, so I did what most alcoholic dil you knowbelieve me, I'm an alcoholic I wonderd what she had. I was Onlo the go anlinto get it and I I turned on the charm and I did whatever I could to sellmyself to her and we got married and we got married and I graduated law school and went to workfor a State Attorney's office down here, and we moved into a Nice House on myhemy beach and I got a job as a district attorney, proscuting majorcrimes, cases and- and we had a son, a wonderful son who I was with OvirChristmas o last night and today- and I have four kids now and four kids andseven grandkids, but and so we had a wonderful life. Remember I said if I could only addthis cal I'd be okay. If I could only have this Gal, I could be okay,everything would be fun. I illy had that house. I'd be okay, if only hadthat car be okay. If I only could be a lawyer, I'd be okay. If I could onlywork for the District Attorney's offs I'd be okay, if I can only make xnumber O dollars a year, I'd be okay. If I coan only get the whole packagetogether, I'd be okay, thend. I got the whole package together, but you knowthose packages. They have a h if you're an alcoholic, they have a half life andyou know after I got at that package together, it was like it was like whenyou walk out of a meeting. You feel great for an hour, maybe two hours, andso what happened was I got married D. I got all that stuff together and I wasfeeling good and then one day I didn't feel so good one day I didn't feel sogood. I was bored anybody ever buy. A new car is agreat when you're Buyia, new car and you're in this beautiful new car. Youdrive around this new car and but what happens when it's a year downthe road and you need tires and the car is 't now anymore. It doesn't feel sogood right and Ain working for you now. You startthinking. I need another car or maybe amotorcycle or something like. So you see what happened was. I was feelingreally good with this young lady and my son in the house, but what happened wasis after round. I don't know how long I wonder how long it took. I'm not sure Iknow how long I'm trying to think of how long it took before I started.Looking at the other women probably same as about like a car car takesabout a year, I think six months ay once how long does it take before you S,you're dissatisfid, with your car? If you think you take guess, I don't knowa year two Yo. Definitely two years you got to get a new car ever two years,two years, it'e an old farm. You know what I mean, so maybe I was married fortwo years before I started looking at the other women and I started- I don't know I you just enshe just it just wasn't working for me anymore. You understald what I'm saying.Wasn't my fault or herifit. Just there was something missing. You know Ienjoyed the chases. You know she wasn't. First Fuckye didn't like my drinkingthing. She kept on Har in me about the drinking and we drank before we gotmarried, so she knew Wboutr the drinking and she didn't like me hangingout with the bars and I would hang out of the bars you know you know when Iwould hang out in the bars you know have to work. I go to the bar insteadof going home when I hank about you know, what's in the bars, you kdow'send the bars you know. What's in the Bar, you re dringing bars, you know.What's in the bars, women are in the bars. Aren't there women in the bars?What's your name Kevin Ar the women in the bars you ever go to bars? I look atwomen, Okay E W oo, one other guy things like yeah, Paul, you're laughing.You don't know what it's like and so but ID look at these women Y. I nevercheated on my wife. I just think about cheating on her a lot. You know and Iget home drunk at four o'clock in the morning and stuff like that. She didn'tlike that. She'd get mad at me. You know you haven't noticed that when a womangets mad at you and Skulyu and stuff like that, it's sort of makes your lessattractive. Did you know that poem? It's true it dod? Is it to it's veryhard to have sex with a woman when she's own that Yon Sayng Bet things toyou? You know what I mean, especially when it's not working for you anymore.So what happened is well. This is just my life. This is nothing with you guys,but so what happened was when Dayi came. She told me if a Como jrok one day, onemore time she leave me. I came home drunk and she kicked me out of the House, andthat was the end of my marriage. A five year marriage lost. My House lost mywife last my sons, just things that...
...should be the most important thing tome. It was gone and you know- and you wantto know what I was thinking I was thinking I was happy. You know I was happy because I feltfree. It's like the new freedom I felt like. I was in a cage and she wasgiving me permission to go to the bars tow and hang out with the GALS. So Iwas thinking it was a good thing. You know what I mean and, and you know andthe way I think ecause I have this wear of thinking. It's calledrationalization. I rationalize you understand. I tell myself rationallives. That makes sense to me that we got married too young that we werereally different people. You know at I mean that we maybe Hav made made amistake. It was just a mistake: Yo onational is mistake and wasn't herfault of my fault, but it was the right thing. As matter F fact, it was thebest thing for her for me to leave and every end I remember she wanted to goto a marriage counselor she wan to go to marriage counselor andup. I don't know why she wantd to do that,but I went because I felt you know why I went. I think I felt alittle guilty caurse I loved their parents D, theyloved me. They did everything for me and she was a nice girl and I waswalking out on her. I think I felt a little bit of guilty yeah. I still had apparently thecapacity to to feel ashame or feel del to be. You know what I mean. You know. If you drink a lot, you canget rid of that. No! No. If you drink a lot, you can getrid of Gil you an O, GE, shame! You know what I mean you can you can sellyourself on the idea that it's not your fault and but I went to the matchcounselor and he asked my wife. He asked my wife at that time. He said. Sowhat do you want to change about Russell and what are the three things?She name. Three things I don't know what she said. I wasn't really payingattention. I was really concerned about the whole thing was I didn't. It wastawnting upon me that if this thing worked, I would have to go back intothe marriage and I already had a date for Friday night. You know what I mean,so I want to do that stuff and- and so when he asked me, what are the threethings you want to change about? Your your wife. I said I just wanted tayother women, and that was the end of that was the end of the session for some reason, and so I got divorced now and I walked away from that wifeand I walked away from that child. I used to I used to have visitationwith that child. You know I like. On Saturday I told him I was going to takethem to the zoom. I really meant to take them viso. I said a lot of thingsI really meant, but then Saturday came along and that Gal, you know Donnacalled me up and said she said you want to go out to t a boatwith on the boat with us and I'm thinking. Do I take my son to the zooor go the bol with you know Donna with the drinking o, the Saxon, and so Iwould go out on the boat anchors away. You know- and I wouldn't even call myson- you know, I think I think you know that Rationalis, I think it's betterfor him. He'll have a better time wit his month than going to the dowith me,so he just be waiting for me. Like you know, by the way you know who lives theirlives like that. Bums live their lives like that evil bums I was an eval bum. Now I liketo tell myself, I'm basically a good guy. That's why I tell myself thatbasically a good die, but I was really upom with a three piece suit and a lotof gree. I was a selfish selfcentered bum now and you know when you live your lifethat way, no matter how much you drink and no matter how much tell yourselfthat it's not your fault, and you know how much to tell yourself that you'renot to blame, no matter how much you tell yourself that you're, okay andyou're, basically a good boy, no matter how much you tell yourself deed downside, you know you're in a you know that voice that you hear everyonce in a while that you say howt to kill myself caut some piece of shit andI'll ever be okay. You know where that voice comes Ron. Come from that Shit. Nobody knows how big an Asshole I amthan me. No, I can't wit people mean I caldn't look people in the eyes. I canlook people in the eye that I could't look Ip in the eyes. You know if youwere a woman, and I was talking you I'd, be looking at your chest. You mightthink I was looking at you chest because I'm looking at your you knowbress or something that was a whay. I just couldn't look you win the. I couldnot look people I'd IE. I couldn't look at him in the eye. I was so deep down ashamed of myselfand who I will I thought of you could look me in the eyes. You'd see who Ireally was, but one thing I want to. Never let yousee is who I really was. You know when you know your a piece of crap and youknow you're an assale and you know all the shit. You did no mater how much youtryi to bullshit peop. You know deep on everyone's while that voice pops outyour you to kill yourself your piece of Brat Aus who operates that way. Who DoesShit like that?...
You know I came in here and I had it.You know I come in here. I have. No testimony have no story, I don't knowall I know is. I got all these feelings all these emotions and all thesethoughts that are driving me crazy. It's all you can do to have me sick andone flippin place for one hour and listen to what's going on and half thetime, I'm not listening, I'm just Goin Tin, you know you ever see. I see, I'mlike every part of my body is moving. My arms are move. My legs are moving, Imean I'm just Jonesin, because I can't see even sit in one place. Let them all try to figure out what theHell is wrong with me weeks down the road lunch te o the roadwhen I finally get to the point Wherei'm even getting ready to, becauseI want what they have when we got an lete. I don't even understand why wehave to do these steps all of a sudden. What is it like, sixmonths year down the road, all F sudden, I'm doing the for step on all of asudden, I'm actually even talking about this, leaving my wife and all sort ofstuff, and I'm seeing this shit and everything. So. Finally, when I finally got to thepoint where and- and you know you do know that if Iacted this way with my form of wife and if this is the kind ofperson I wasn't by the kind of dishonest evil person, I was my formerwife. You do know that I have a lot of other people in my life. You do knowthat she's, not the only one. You do know that my forstep does not justcontain my former wife. You know you, I'm just telling I'm just telling youone example: okay, and so the day came where I made a menister yea. You don't want to make amends, Isure shame, but I somehow scarred up the pourage to go in and see her. She had done cancer and she was in thehospital. I Wan saw an you know what hi said to Heri said. I told her. I was an Alchol and I toldher. I was wrong for how I treated her. I didn't at first say I'm sorry becauseI'm so used I'm an Atvol, I'm so used to saying I'm sorry, you know I meanI'm sorry for me as easy. I can say I look e Liht saying I'm sorry, I'm sorry,I'm sorry, but I really mean I''M. Sorry Wbut, I told you I'm sorry, I'msaying look. I said I HAV A sorry get off my hands. You know what I mean. I'm not. I know I raked your wife andkilled your dog and burn down or House, but I said I'm I'm saying I'm sorrywhat the Hell was wrong with you you're supposed to forgive me so that I don'tfeel bad. You know I didn't really be now sorry. I just ment get off my backand tell me I'm okay, but I never said I'm wrong and I had aI look at her until I was wrong and for the way she tried treat there andtell her all that sort of stuff and I'm sure I didn't even as have as muchinsight as I have now but and Sheu know what she told me. Shesaid she thought she was wrong. She thought she should have hung in there.She thought I said: Listen you weren't wrong a you hung in ther. We wouldn'teven be able to talk today because I'm a selfish selfseted, you didn't doanything wrong. I was wrong. I'M gonna! I want to finish this up. Ijust saying I M: I'm just Gointa tell you a little something about my lifenow I should mention the fact that, and I'm not saying I'm cured oranything like that, but I should mention the fact that a day did comewhere, where I start realize this Tnofreedomles, though happiness and I stopped telling myself I'm an ASS,all and ait's all that stuff. I started losing fear of people in economic andsecurity and haht stuff, so it does work just to me, maybe a lot little bitlonger than most you know, but any event I just want to tell you a littlesomething to share a little something with you that I'm not sure whether I gavto share thisbefore so I'm going to have thirty nine years. In January I made my amends tomy first wife. In other words, I don't I don't go over in my mind. I don't have the guilt, the guilt, youknow so much where I can't talk to her. I don't have one of these deals where,if you're an alcoholic you'll see somebody across the street and you'llturn around same man, I hope he doesn't see me. Youl work, you'll get a phone call andyou want it. You want to you want to have that phone ID to see whet. There'ssomebody want to talk about. You know talk to you know, I mean when you're anALCOHOLC, you actually worry about who you run into and what you're going tosay to Hem, and so I don't have that deal in Youmore. I can run to anybodyon the planet. It doesn't matter to me. I don't fear anybody running intoanybody. Any telephone calls from anybody. I don't walk around with that.Crap going on. You know I'v Telt of all that, including my formal wife. I justwish hin the best and you know we don't communicate so much. You live someplaceelse. I live down here, but I can talk to her and I cound sit down with it.There's no problem with that, but I want to tell you something: dthis is after I did this step an thisis just I'm just throwing that out there. You may not understand a makeone day. You will understand it. I'm now a when I walked out of my formerlife. I walked down on my inlaws, my...
...fatherinlaw, my mother inlaw had achild her. You know, I'm a grand, I'm a grandfather. No, I got seven Grand Tis. I have three daughters grown daughters,you know and a son you know in their s and s understand. They'r married Younderstand what I'm sayin I'm a different person. I've been around fora while, and I've got to tell you something. Iwould be whying to you wind to you. If I said to you that when I thinkabout what I did, let me tell you what the let me tell you what the eighth andthenight step o the eighth and the nint step. Can we leave the fear? Can weleave Hin a sense to guilt? It'll, never ever ever wash away what you did it'll, never don't even think for onesecond, that ill never make it. You know they have this thing on TV withwarder damage like it never happened. They make it like. It never happened,it'll never make it like. It never happened. You know when I think back, I'm walking out on my first one, and Igot married again and I've en rid to my second wife. For, like thirty nineyears now we got three kids and Hav, good marriage and and Awso for when I think back when Ithis story, I told you the story. I just told you about myfirst life. If, somewhere during that story, you didn't Vieu, didn't youstarted thinking, it's okay, an what an asshole or you started thinkingsomething like man. That's that's horrible! Listen! I want you to know that when Ithink about what I did back then and who I was and what this diseasecaused me and what I did to her at my first son and and even though I've madeall the amends- and I have what I start thinking, it amazes me about how how bad what I did, how evil it was,how much it hurt Yeu and the people I heard peep my my inlaws, my Wie, my firstlife. It amazes me, and you know at first I sort of like a little bitconcerned about that, and then I started thinking. I'm glad I can thinkI'm glad I can tell that story, and I'm glad I'm glad that I can think about how I hurt thosepeople because believe me, I'm an alcoholicand it humbles me it humbles me. I want to make sure Inever start thinking about what a good guy I am and I want. Let metell you something without this program, without God, on my life. Without thesesteps, that's the person- I never delude myself and the thinking I'm anice guy and a good person without this program without these meetings, withoutmy sponsor, without these steps, that's who I am that's, who I would become, Iwould do that shit again. There's no doubt in my mind you know that's the kind of person I am, but because this program, I don't do thatstuff anymore, and when you don't do that stuff anywaye, I can tall you this.When you don't hurt people and you don't act- do stupid things you don'thave to run around making amends. You know. I can tell you that you know. Sothat's a good new. So thank you very much. Efort O drink harmen.
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