AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 13 · 1 year ago

Russell S - The Golden Text @ Life Is Good Group 2020

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

No and I wereoor Beman just likes to help otheralcoholic, and I give you a ruffle Kay. I heard there was a possibility thatlast week I might not have been heard in the backof the room in the back. Could you tell me whetheryou hear me it's okay, okay, gro wh alcoholics. What am I even asking a question? So my name is Russell Spats, I'm analcoholic. I remember the Southtix Group and isgood to be here, and I have a lot of friends here. A lot of people I h'veknown for many many years and I'm found, has sir I'm drinkng or have I drinksince January twente, one thousand nine hundred and eighty one and I'm grateful to God. For that we'regoing to talk about a few things today, I'm gonna. I can't wait. Tou Hear whatI have to say. You know I don't plan anything and I'm glad I think polly ishere something Aa Paul. Where are you all these tame we had dinner together?I love folly in another week I'll, have, I think, thirty nine years and Yo'you'Lhave thirty nine years from month and that's lhike. We call the teagual leuecliffs, where I have the same amount of time. He has you know, except he didhe's, got nine months for them Mer eleven months port than me, but of course he first came into Na, so yougot to do the conversion. You know I mean so because ea an an time, it's really likehe's got like six months or something but Hisbuti was he was thouhting o be likesto show up. You know just in case I should get the laragitis or somethinghe wants to know that he's there willing to fill in at any time. Sotrust me, if I should you know, God forget it won't happen, but if I shouldkeil over have some sort of serious heart attack or something like that, hewill immediately rush up here. Tick me off the the stage and take thetake the mic so because that's the kind of unselfish kind of service that he'sinvolved in you know. So it's it's good to see you there palm. You know we do ameeting together. We're talking about. We didn want. I don't know how many ofyou I know this few of you were at that meeting. What was about four or five years ago.Thos was one of the Best Da metiangs I've ever bee. To I mean we were there,but we were doing it together and it was. It was just the oneful men didthey actually recorded that one? That was a pretty cool deal with that guyasking that question at the end of the meeting you remember that question yeah interesting deal in any MENSO. It was it's Goti want tothank Dangel, and some of the guys who came up here with Daniel is a Drov liketink sixty miles. We left like four o'clock, but you know Wa, I don't knowWhit. You guys know this. It was like pouring, I mean I'm talking you torrentialrainfall, all the way off in accidents and and we managed today it was justSumbele Daniel as it was unbelievable. You know Bein a car with somebodydriving eighty five miles fer hour behind semis. You know three, a feet:Beyind, the semi and but I'm so used to taking third step. I'd already turnedit over. If I die, I died so I, but it was scary for ye he's making you turnsand spinding around, and you know I had to get out of the car and hold on my antoday where we covering outhols were professionals. Don't you try to sithome? You know, you know what we're doing here. So it's good to be here. SoI'm Gon to talk a little bit about. I don't know we'll see, maybe ill be stepto probably step six more than likely step, seven, probably into step elevenmol back around there'll be stuff going on here. You know, don't worry about it,don't get upset. You Know Hut. The first thing I first happen when I cameday is my swatcher told me: You got to lower your expectations. Youknow alcohol ICS. Apparently it says in the book unless it Insalan Otoolancepts is alcoholism Andall its consequences? It's not the drinking. It's not! The drinking it's really notthe drinking, but it actually is the Drinkin, butit's not don't try to Forgete thot one out, butI mean it's not the Drinkin, it's not the drinking for you course. You may not realize this, butin the front of H Book and says we Avebout Pot, Om a althos and also wanto dimenar women who have recovered from a singlly, hopeless state of mind ofbody. That's like well. I had that stull I had tha singled owtcol. Thisamd I came in because I couldn't stop drinking. How many people came inDownfox Omas because of a drinking problem seems like a place to go like the name,alcoholics anonymous. You know and- and I couldn't stop drinking what I meanwhen I said I couldn't stop drinking...

...wase, we're not going to talk a lotabout the DRINKOM thin. But when I came down fo SAMs, I I wouldwake up in the morning and I'd say: I'm not going to drink today and my five o'clock had be drunk and I didit over and Oeron. You know why, because you know why? Because Icouldn't see, if you can identify with this, because I couldn't stop drinking- U Stop, B Yo, it's an interesting thingwhen your life turns into a bottom and you finally give up you find itsfriendsay. What's the use, I'm never a I'm. I'M gonna die I'm thirty one years,Oll that, though my life was over. I couldn't stop drining. So when I cameday it wasn't to find God o changed. My life or any of that stuff was because Ineed belieave. I couldn't stot drinking. You know what happened abeted to theLihe ship I stop drinking is pretty amazing. Yoshould have been. There was amazing. I stoppd drinking hit's acouple things that happen when you stop drinking. You know it's amazing peoplecome up to you like thou or fo days hen. You look good, you look better, youknow they. They notice stuff. You don't notice, and I remember waking up onemorning and I had cash on the dresser. I never woke up with cash anywhere WHOA. What did that come from? You knowwhat I mean you so is yeah little things like that,so the drinking thing and that's the deal so but I'm not going totalk about, but I've recovered from that hopeless state, Amon, Te Body andso Hov you I mean, that's, that's a hopeless. You know you can't do muchabout the integrity thing or the or the selfish thing or the or the lusting thing or the envy thing,or the thumb sucking Fi Bab, you feel sorry for yourselfthing or or the you know the needy thing or thestolking thing on the craving thing or all that crap that goes along with it.You know you can't do much about that until you get rid of the drinking thingwhich Iwen it seems like the biggest thing in the world, I mean then orestfor alcohlism Ta arestor for driving on drunk. You know I mean I drive hedrinking, but but it seems like a big deal when you got it when you get inhere, but but after you get in here for a whileafter you stop drinking, I want to talk a little about the firstthree or four or five months. People Start People here that probably have,or I've met a couple of great guys and Ryan and Michael who have like ten oreleven days. There are people here that are, you know not that far away from adrink and the drinken thing is the biggest thing in the world and it's abig deal. My spotts used to say to me, because is what you see the people arknoing e. You say because people are know: Toaa they', just trying to stayaway from the drink. The drakis like the big deal, it's a big deal. You knowan I men, drinking and druning big deal and that's you know th. I went to Amensfor months after I came in and all I thought about was not drinking. I'm O. I had the UBSET because it's anobsession ITSA. It's not only the drinking and the Cramin not gatits, bealways thinking about the drinking or thinking. What are you going to do onNew Year's? What are you doing? CIN? It's always that everything is wrappedaround with the drinking or or even more asoteric than that. If I can usethat word or more than but it's part of the dranking part of the drinking isthe life style, the lifestyle, the horring you know and I'm not. I don't want to chock you guys,Oug Alcoholic Yo shouldn't be shocked anyway. You know what I mean, but butbecause I think alcoholic, so I know I guy think, but the botomline is is: isthe lifestyle of the heedin ind te haven to have in the Sax and all thatfullshit? You know all the stuff that you have to have and have to grabin thecars, an money, Notla Yon, all that rap. It's the lifestyle you know, and in that kind of deal it's the wholething that you're wrapped up in for what I was wrapped up into it. I wantto say thirty, one years, but you know I don't know when I was ten years old,but I mean for a long period of time, fifteen sixteen years wrapped up in thedrinking and the drugging and the running around trying to do this andget that and have this and put that and get it all together and like one giantMilshat, you know the women, the cars, the money, the job, the whole thing andjust mix it up and try to get it working and and then it works. Itworked at worse. You know, for you know a week and then more different, thaothers or you know whatever thever works perfently, and so so you come inhere and you got the lifestyle going and you got the thinking going, the oldideas, old idea, a you know. ALD ideas is a funny way to put it. It's likeit's like. If you have a computer fo, I'm not computer expert, you talk aboutthe motherboard, you know the whole guts of the computer, the CPU. You knowit's like the whole cpou up here jas talking to young lady. She asked mea great question about the God thing: N, maybe I'll go into machus. She wasasking me a question about this thing, about the focus on God, which I amreally going to talk about today, which i'me going to talk about for abouteleven weeks by the way. But I'm going to talk about it. toget about thiswhole thing that the central fact of our lives has the God, God, God got thewhole thing everything to book about God and you know, prech a consciouscontact with God and e Ust and she hasd an interesting question because- and itis an interesting question for Indivian alcohol to ask- because...

...so trust me on this one trust ten, thisone some there are some questions that you will ask me that I will try to giveyou an answer, but you won't understand the answer, and I know you want tounderstand the answer, and I can't help that. I cannot help that you know ifyou go out there d you talk to an alcoholic. I mean an active alcoholicwho's not even close to giving up drinkin but he's ruined in his life,and you are a recovered alcoholic where you have not had a drink in a month ortwo months and you don't find ressay have a drint and the the craving hasgone and the obsession is gone and you up to this alcohollic, who isn't evenclose to any bottom, and you try to explain to him everything you know about alchols andon you tell them you're story. You understand what I'm sot saying Youd, beas honest as possible about what happened to you and what I was like andwhat happened and how you don't need to drink anymore and you used to drink.You tell him that t en you watch when he says, looks at you like you're,crazy. You start if you're an outlog. Youstart thinking this. Maybe something wrong with you. That's why O got allthese peod an ALN on Ean? Why doesn't he understand being there's nothingwrong with you? He just doesn't get it. You know. Sometimes, when you you everhear Li the Clichet's sake a cliche. Well, I guess you had to be there justgot to be there. I mean you know you tell a jroke or somebody says, and theydon't nos as well. I ges you out of be you had to be there. You know you justhad to be there. Wat You'RE gonna have to unerstandyou're going to appreciate for some of the stuff that I talkd about. You justgot to be there. You know, don't ask me how I do thingsa thirty five years, thirty nine years sobriety and how I think, a thirty nineyears sobriety, and then I try to explain to you what it's all about andyou look at Mabe Ecause, it's. I gave you an answer, but you don't understand.The answer you know mean just trust, trust trust in the fact that one of thethings that propels us of this thing that propels you in this thing as amatter ofact the step before the steps you know, there's a stuff of Footstupdi.You know that there's a thirteen step before thet in,but it's not the step. You're thing it's one before you know what it says.If you want what we have and are willing to go to any legth toget it, then you're ready to take the steps.Isn't that what it says am I I meanyou check me on this hope hope I not onlybe honest with thout myself, but I hope I'm honest about the literature whichis important in the long run. Sover the more th the literator makes sense,because it's true, even the stuff I didn't think applied to me is triver,because I didn't understand that it applied to me because I couldn't see it.You know I didn't have a higes to see your ears here. If you want what wehave and are willing to go to any late to get it then you're ready. If you don't wantthere, are people tha coming here. They don't want. We have you know what theywant. They want what they had. They don't want this lifestyle. They don't want. Some guy was talkingabout staying away from bars or staying away from women or staying away frommen or romantic relationships are making Godu. They don't want that stuff.They want what they used to have. They want the car back. The wife boughtthe job back. They want all that stuff back. They don't want what we have they're, not t they may want. We havetinjest on Wen to go ANA likt toget, but want we have o. So in we gong tomeet every day, theyre not willing to go, not getin oe. They don't want whatwe have they're, not gin, to go to anylike, to get it they're, not ready.They Cen do the steps tol their eyes comes home, they're, just not goinendup doing them anyway, and it's not going to work out, but there are peoplethat want what we have and I wonly go to LAE agetand. That means you have tofind a wee. That means when you come into her, I know when I came in here, Ifound a wee. I found a people, a group of people, men and women two days Oberthree days over ten days, sober three weeks over ten years over. I saw peoplein front of me that I wanted what they had. I wondered what H Y I knew they hadsomething, and I wanted it. It was right in front of me it's like goingthrough the grocery store. You see something I shallye say that booksgreat. I want that Sucker, you know what I mean you're, not checking outthe ingredients, you don't car, you just want to try that deal out. Youknow where o you want what they had. I met people in here. I wanted what theyhad now that doesn't necessarily set me as Mathic. That doesn't mean that youknow what they have. You know you can want what somebody hasand not know what they have. You can want what somebody has and notnot only not know what they have, but not even know how to get what they got.You know that means you don't that doesn't mean you actually understandwhat they have or what they had to do to get what they have. You may see me just as an example. Adotme, I'm not using me. You know my you know. You may say me and Sai. You knowI like that Guy Rossi, the way he toss everything you know the guys wild. Ilike that. I, like that, what he has you may have like three months or fourmonths. You might want what I have yeah. I like what you guys. Tha got o thethirty nine years that doesn't mean...

...you're ever going to experience what Ihave to you have thirty nine years. You know when I had three months ofRidy, I'm an alcohol. I want it like that. You know W you. No, you know ifyou're not balk and you're in a bad mood. Let me tell you give me fiveseconds and two jiggers of Scotch and I'm fine. You know you may have to goto fifty meetings to get the same effect to Jiggers of Scotch. You knowfor five seconds. You know what I mean it doesn't work like that in Aa you gotta go through your desert time. You got to go thogh Yo, you know your now. Youget thei noyeas, writing out, Bolk an onus. You got to stay sover for thirtynine years. You knowou stay, so you know how youlearnn, how to stay sover. Even though you're broke, it's not fun being brokedos it it's not fin a crean broke. You know, you guys know hat. That's likeyou know. You learn how to stay sover, even though you're brog and you feel,and you feel depressed. You know you do that you got to be broken. You know that you know, and not just one time, it's not like a one time wrong, andthen you learn how to be brone. You GOTT BE Bruk a lot of times over and over and over about the hundred and fiftieth time you're brokeand you don't drink, you're, pretty solid on the NOCdranking. Even though you' broke you're, not necessarily real good, not feeling happy, you may be broke and you're not goingto drink. You know you're going to go to meet, but you're not happy aboutbeing broke. You know how long it takes to be happywith yourself and with your life and being gratfully God. Even though you'rebroke make thirty years. That's a nervous laugh, isn't it you're, not lk? I know you're notlaughing out there. You Lita happen with me. You know, you know what o talking about Rock inthe fourth dimension existence experience too much of heaven, but theytalked about mot. How far down the latter, what dos they talk about. YouGONTO KNOW: New Freedom and New Happenin S. think we talkd about boozee en new, a new freedom and new happis think we're going to talk about gooze. What would be, I would it be like ifyou woke upoaparticular day and you didn't experience, fear, hasanybody here, eveer been in a place where the you know they talk about thepromises where you you don't I you're like a day,maybe for an hour or two where you have no fear, no fear of anything YOUVR hadthat deal happening well, you guys have to experienced fear right and for theguys who don't like to say the expesser you've experience anxiety right, youknow, have you ever experienced like anxiety,youever a you know, like you talking about last week, like three o'clock themorning: Ou Wake up and you're thinking about sending thing. You've beenthinking about for three weeks and three months. You know about theproblem at work and you're going to be fired and what's going to happen, youdon't have a Groll, you don't have a guy, you know not having sex nombodylike whatever the hell. It is. U, your mother, Your Father, N, your sistereaunt, the eighteen thousand voices that are going on in the committee ill badshit about yourself, atd other people and you can't even sleed o night, andyou tell you somefhn Yo got to stop thinking about the scrap because it'skilling you and then you keep on thinking about it because you can'tstop thinking about it because you're addicted you can stop the drinking, butyou can't stop tinking and allthat sortof. You know and you're goingcratzy your experience that Te Right. THAT'S ALCOHOLIC! That's true!Alcoholism! Okay, that's that's the bood! The alcohol is the Symtom, that'sjust the symptom of the problem. Okay, the real problem censers in your mind,not your body now for some people, I'm saying that they may not understand it,but you want to know something three or four weeks. DONL understand it. You might be very new and you need youmake thinks, and I understand that the alchumism is the drinking becauseeverything in Aa for at least a month or two or three or five or ten, it'sthe drinking don't drink. Any of theass falls off. They're haning Oup, it's allthe drinking. Why to? I want to watch it for jlies, OP, Tak Al Right: theCliff Ey want a Green Shik, Thir Thry, Ays red check, O Three Months: Si BluJip, six, fun drank and drink a drink until the first year drinking drinkingand somewhere along the line. I think Duare the first year. It's all aboutthe drift and don't drink, just don't drink, don't Jo drink, don't drink. Itseems like the whole book is all about drinking everything in the boot. Allyou see about is, is don't drink and don't drink, and it's the it's, the JayWalker and everything and then- and then you know- sometimes I think duringthe first year I think during the first year the insanity comes. You know that second step where it sayscan believe that a Powagranis like can restore you to sanity. In other words,is there a power? So I'm not fucking in saying what can we leave me f? I know I'm notdrinking, but I'm not. I can't explain. I can't even I don't even understandwhy I feel the weal Li wher. I feel I don't understand why this ishappening to me and sometimes you think it's circumstances and you go to asponsor by the circumstance and somehow they're trying to tell you, although noyou realize it's not circumstances because you're crazy and you trying tofigure out what is this craziness,...

...because you think it's sort of likeunique craziness. It's like a personal, crace INIS. It's your it's! My crisis,you wouldn't understand my crazis and then you're. Somebody talkg on theprotiams is that's why fuckthe rat is and you're another that's hy craziesand then they say something like that's alcohol in Ias. Oh Man, now I know whatthey mean when they say something: That's Lin and then you feell a littlebit wit Leav, because, although you feel crazy at least you're, not crazyand alone, crazy and alone is bad crazy in a group of people thatre as Creatyas you are not so bad. You know what I mean not so bad. You know you don'tfeel so down on yourself. You know because that kind of stufftins crazyinggroup is okay. So so you do that that that deal you got that creat solen. Sothen it says, can' believe that power can restore. So you start forst thefirst ten years You'ejust trying to get a grip on how crazy you are and the truth of the matter issometimes the craziness comes upon. You just you're not doing anything wrong,you're, not hurting anybody, not doin, anything in just sort of it's Wednesday.You know what I mean it's Preel and you know I mean I don't know he cloud goesby or something or a thought, and sometimes it happens as a result ofstupid actions that you take, and sometimes it happens, Becaus to the bigreas of life, because even if you good better and different get into a crassand something happens, a craziness, so what happens? Is We actually learnedabout the craziness in tough times? You know? That's, I mean it's easy tobe happy and great when you're getting laid all the time, you got all themoney in the world and everything's going n your way. How do you feel whenyou're not getting your own way? How do you feel when you're broke? How O youfeel when Yot Tirht of you? That's when the craziness comes upon you and, ofcourse, you're? First thinking, because your old idea is that you're not crazy?You feel the way you do, because this happened to you and you may say things like well. If ithappened to you you' do the same. You feel the same way if it happened to youand then one day you run into somebody and happen to them and they're notcrazy at all, an as matter of fact, they're happy in Thee Tryiang to helpother people and all of a sudden you want what theyhave, and you already know what they have well, you knows they got fired othey got cancs, they got this and they're happy and they helping otherpeople an SA. What the heck is going on with that guy- and you start realizing that there'smore to this than just thout Regu theres, something about being happy. Sowhat would happen if you went through a day you've been through days where youdon't have anxiety, emeer telling Rao teet once that I wasfeeling I said man, I'm feeling crappy t likeabout four years. Fi was, I feel, CRAPPI Desar this, maybe the best youever feel that's te kind of encouragement. I gotan ALCOHOLC anonymous. You know this may be just make dot Allan for you. Youknow think about the the best Aama you've ever been to it. Oluting this one, of course think about the best da Tin. You thinkabout the aiming you went to whereafter me. You were like flying high. You feltgreat, for you know, however, long that whatdoes it last that thirty minutes five minutes? Ten minutes until you got a Jcar, you Passa Gill Board brand new car good, looking blond or something senfrom f the car. Until you see something, you feel something you get on the scale.Who knows what it is and then you're a piece of shit again, you know and you'l just Standin the show rather hingot and all of sudden youre just voice your Anseil you to kill yourself and oWai d that come from o Tar Aroun. It turn around there's nobody Dar, but youyou know what I mean it's like Whoa, we who's called me an Assall that' todaycalling me an Ason, that's bod, reputation about me with me. I ain'tgoing to tell you that you know I'm the greatest thing in the world and I'mgonna. But you know that's me, you know, and and sometimes you can you turn on eTV, your taxi, you do a lot of stuff. You got to run around to a lot of stuff.You gotta get him OP, you don't want any silence, outfolks, don't likesilence. They don't like pregnant pauses withsilence. They got to start talking because itis silence. Then they startthinking and they're thinking about bad shit about themselves, O otherpeople. That's what I coug Throuh, that'sconseuence of being an alcohol. You sit in the bar. You send somewhere youturnsomebody, you know. Why do you just start talking about shit about otherpeople and that trumps ackto, the AssholemyyouKnow Likei Frd Wen asl, nothat fuiugly, you know what I mean, and maybe you sit next to anotheragisis yeah Manshyeah, you Ns real ass. All that G, Oh man, he's Anass, get agot of agreet you about assholes and everyone tha. Why Do oboxs do that? Because if you feel like an ansole- andyou feel like a easy shit somehow, if you talk bad about other people and youget people to agree with you, it makes you feel better. You wouldn't do. If it didn't make, youfeel better, you do it, you do it! You, gossip oftot, an people when you say daad stuffin about other people, because itmakes you feel better or superior. What do you call a person? What kind ofperson is that WHO needs to put down other people and e hate, othe peopleand say bad things, Bout E, so they...

...don't feel so shit about themselves.You think that leads to a happy life. How do you expect to be happy? Soberand happy, if that's what Youe Ganto do all the time. But what happens when youcan't stop yourself from doing it? What happens he? You can stop drinking,but you can't stop talking bat, Shit or think of tbat Shit about other people. What happens when you do all that? Whathappens when you start recognizing over eperiod of time, the real disease? Andso you go you you get broke a million times or you get people tot disappointyou a million times an et fired whatever it is that happens to you andsomehow some way you got to try to stop drinking, which means you go tomeetings. You talk, t your sponsor and now all of a sudden, they're feedingyou stuff that that doesn't sound like it's Aa,because it doesn't have to with drink, and it has to do with God, spiritual stuff acting well, not thinking that way. Ihave a very good friend WHO's P. You know after many years an a have verygood friends, who's, a pastor and a lot of friends who are pastors. One of themis A. I love Ho guys. Names Carry Miller and he's. I do actually worshipServ Service formon on Sundays and he's been a pastor for like sevent years seen you pass a lot ofchurches and one of the things he says is kind of funny and se he says so.He'll start he's a battist preacher, so he'll start talking some serious stuffand he'll say well, you know and when he starts preaching some hard doctrine,the callid, hard doctrines stuff hard doccurent is stuff. People don't wantto hear you make Funo had to leave. There arethings and said: NAA Thet I'll, say a that people don't want to hear. You understand ohe, absolutelynecessary for grown up shoknow six STEPI SEP that separates the men of theboys in order to grow up and become adult thers thin and stop being a babythumb SOC of Hih Baby. There's things you need to hear, but that doesn't meanyou necessarily like to hear a d. You know the truth. You can't handle theCret and so carry will say he says. Well, you may think I've stoppedpritchy preaching and God gone to Medlin Madalin in new business CAS. So I cameMo to wor out to stop drinking inven com. ICAU you talk about my sex life. I didn't come anher. You talk aboutpornography. I didn't come here to hear you talk about my my spending. I didn'tcom here to hear you talk about all this other crap you're talking aboutwell, you've stopped drinking. Your life is ruled by all nother ofthe shit. I mean I don't know. If you want to bea man, an you want to be a boy. What do you think the six step is all aboutwhen it says it says we're ENTYLEERAT? Have God remove all these defects ofcharacter? What do you think that's gon about? Maybe you want to read the books.You know what I mean. What do you think they're talking about when the Ay theyetalking about I that deal? What do you think they're talking aboutso I would like to go so you think about that meeting. You went to thisthe best leading and you felt great, but it had a half life of about half anhour and then all of a sudden, you're thinking about your job and this andthat and all the stuff that makes you feel like crap again an last a shorperiod of time, but it lasts long enough. So that makes you feel good andyou don't drink that you come back te Eestat, but the rest of your life ispretty crappy. Then when I say pretty crappyeverything's relative, you know I would never call my sobriety all through theyears crap. I think if you it hit, be on the shoulder at seven years. I'd say:Hey it's great. I love AA at nine years. I'd say it's Great. I Love I A atfifteen years. I'd say it's Great. I Love Aa, but if you tap he on theshoulder twenty years and said how just PRI say it's great, I love a you'd sayhow was it in five years? I'd say it was crap. I wouldn't want to go back to fiveyears. I wouldn't want to go back to worrying about what I wouldn't attwenty years. I don't want to go back to the Shit I was thinking about in oneyear. You know I mean wherever you're at andI don' guys have just thought. If you have five years, your Sprida, maybegood. You, like your priday greak from your sobriety, there's some things youbot the back guy said how was like you go back to one year say no way: Whyoh that was crap and everything, buta one year. You would have thought it was great because every year andeverything goes by, it gets better and better and better and worse, N, betterand better and better and worse, the better, a better beter and, worse,better getter, very and worse, the better they better betr and worse. Andso your idea, what sober means? WHAT MEANS TO BE EMOTIONALLY sober changeits over teres. So you know, and you got the sobriety,but you lose it. You said: When am I going to experience experience some ofthe promises, whether I experience SOM full time? You know I'm sifting tired of beingworried. I'm sicing tired, F, the worry, I'm Sickin, tired the worry noine yearsover, I told you this story, Goup, the rail keep I'm broke again and I wasbroke because I was spending more money than I make. I Jas Sponsord Dom me thatI says: When you spend more money, then you make an go into deat. I didn't knowthat I was Iwas. A phdi was going bi TM mathematics, Il dratetnology yea I toTAV SA mounifhols. All that stuff I...

...didn't realize. If you spend more mony,then you make y Goin te deat. I realize that you just charge things and chargevileto way. All my credit card thits a way all my gredicies, becauseapparently they want me to pay the money back. I don't understand that. I'm an Alohollic, I see something Iwant something I buy. If I have the money I buy, I if I have credit carnd Ibuy it. Why do I buy? Because I spend money? I don't have to buy shit. I don't need to impresspeople, I don't even like you know, because I want people at Tay Im doinggreat, because I am doing reat that's. Why do I drive a car I can't afford,because I do't, like my sponsors, get rid of the CAMELA. I get the Shebby,I'm not going to do that. I don't know why. I'm not going to do that. I justdon't see my I'm in a CATALAC, I'm a lawer, I'm in a camlike. They seeINVITON brandnew Canali. Why am I in and I'm all I'm doing is going tomeetings and talking my sponse about how broke I am and II'm worried, andwhere am I gonnaav the money and I tal SIS and want to simplify your life andI know he's Sol about getng a Shepvy, but that's never going to happen. Ican't see how to do it anytime. I think how could I do it? I mean ther, Erear rways o'e doing it, but I can't figure out how to drive a Chevy and I don'teven know why it's an impossible thing. So I just want to figure out how toborrow more money or get money for my parents or anything, because I don'tknow how to do that and the reason I don't know how to do. That is becauseI'm scared- and when am I scared, I'm scared about what will people thinkabout me if I show up INA Chevy instead of aCantellac Thi thin, I'm not doing as well as I think I'm supposed to bedoing and then someone's Goin Na don't know what it's going to be. I Don' know:What's Gon Ta Happen, but it's going to be terrible and I know they're going to notice itbecause they're always thinking about me because th one thing I know is, Iworry about the think of me and they are watching it. You know I got to goto that alone day. Some I got to go to that party. I know the Servin Ye. Whydo you have to go that? Fine? Because I'm expectedg to be there, because, letyou know there's a hundred people. They all fucking expect me to be there and if I'm not there, they're gonna besaying what's wrong with him. What's going on, so I got to be there. Youknow what who thinks like that you know thinks like that. It says in thepromises fo, your people believe you feur people that time itsCuren and how do you cure a guy of fear people I mean for many years. I did theguy in ha drinking problem, the first step in the first step, O getting outof Jailis nown yeur in Jeil. In the first place I got out of the G, thedrinking jail. How do you get out of the peer of people jail, but you don'tthink you're out fear o people when you're telling everybody, includingyourself, you don't give a shit. What other people think about it? When you go through your in til life,don't people you don' give a ship whath. Other people think about you, an youtell yourself, you don't give a shit about other people think oin about youwhen your entire life, your thought, life, you're spending like everything,is all consumed about. Buying Shit and doing stuff and being stuc the sanestuff where, in the back of mind San, I wonder what they thinkg about me. Youknow I tigure, I mean how do you do that? Hi Dyou even do an Ame, quiteFrankmin. You know you don't that's why when he first come down, they said youmen say I'm not ready, I'm just not ready to be judged by all those people,and I know they're all thinking about men, they're all going to laugh got meand terrible things s going to happen because I'm just consumed with fear. Atthe same time, I'm saying really o'lt give a shit what other people thinkabout it. An that's Te, real alcoholism. Thatcensors in your mind, not your body and it perfecs. It's permeates my wholemind and I don't even know I have it and I learned it little by slowly bygoing to means like this over Pare to Fiveten fifteen twenty years, whateverit is, you knowi so like Gol to the guy. What am I going to be? What am I GOINNOlose financial? What am I going to have financial security? You know I told youthis is tn finace as what financiall good. What am I gonna be M. Nine yearsover, they took away Mik gread go. What am I going to do? Whenio? Do you onlearn how to live with that credit card? You live without predit cards. You buythe only time your by stuff is. If you have cash Ino bucket, you live on,someting called the cash rases. It's like amazing. I think I'll buy thatshirt. Vancannow. You don't. You know it's amazing. So he said he said I'll tell you. Hesaid what I said Weil. What am I gon to have financial screw? BHUT IUSIS? Theydon't say that is just they do. I read imte thing: Weare people in FinancialSis, not he says you'll always be drug. It says just want bother you! That'sall! You know a that'e deal. What happens? I don't know. I don'tknow what what drives you crazy is tha the money thing. The money thing is agood thing for alcohol, so tsome money thin drives Tou, be crazy, moneytemoney, it glood that we have money cro. You know in the Fook of James which thesultan was modeled after it says rejoice when you have trials of manycondents rejoice when Youav triles an many times, you joyce be happy becauseif you persovete Thoh the to the trials O, you ind Ho pray to God d, your focuson God. He says your maturity, your Spitchal, a Treatyogrowling to be able to handte line better, have like the saving faith fromthat kind of thing, and and sounds sort of pine n, the sky, but it works. But in order rejoice, when you have anorder to get the fun we rejoicing in poverty, rejoicing and bad healshrejoiceand, all that you got Ta have bad helth an you got to have poverty.You got to go through it a lit, and I want you to. I want Tou trust me onthis. You have anything to worry about because you are going to go through itO on I'm Goin NA promise. You guys one thing:Life is gonna bee the fucking Shit. Out...

...of her it's going to happen. You don't have tolike me. I don't care with Youo. You know it's fine, you want to hate me,you can hate me all you want trusting. You type everybodyte shot life, itsgoing to beat the living shit out of you, you're all going to have helpprobms people going to die people going to dispoint Youe going to be fired onthem. Money Pros, Youe, Gona have shit happening. You can't even fuck upbelieve it and you're either going to drink or not drink. You're ever goingto feel sorry for yourself and Seco Don you're, either going to stay like tenyearold little days or you're going to stay, sober and you're going to tenyears and now you're going to Comptye and say I used to hate your fucking assan now I love it. You know what I mean and that's the way this feelis going towork. You understand what I'm saying and here's the deal. You may notunderstand what I'm saying, except the little piece, Ou Mi might say Holy Shit,an like there's something about the way Thi guy sought. I think he's fuckingright. I don't like it, but I think he's right. You know what I mean andthen you might say: Well I don't know how do I get? What he's got a d? Youdon't know how to get what I got and I can't explain o how to get what I gotbut somewhere in what I'm saying. There's something in there you're goingto get something you might get a little pebbe you'll get something theresomebhody else an you get something else you just because you' got to gothrough it. You got to go through the desert time. You got to go through theexercise you go to. The JEGY got a lift the weights. You got to go through thegraft, so the first six months in the firstyear, you can hear all about the drink and drink and drink and drink and drinkin you know, but somewhere along that time, you're going to start living alife and learn about the the hurting you're going to learn about the toughtimet you're going to learn about the stuff. You know what I mean but AAS youasshuld getting hit and pummeled and you're reading the buck. You're notgoing to be you're going to be told not to drink, but you're als going to be told otherthings, you're gon to be told, crazy, shit,you're going to you're going to be told some cray shit like when I went up tomy sponsor thre or four months an I had a wife and kids and I was broke and Iwas worried n I told Hem I was broken. I wasworried. I was't going to tell my Groov tol my group, Don Drog Thai't Gonahappen. You know what I mean. You know o tha, you shit what they think aboutme, but I'm not going to tell thim o hat is that's re. SPONSORFOR is doll,my sponsor about it. You know- and you know he said to Mehe- says I told himthe whole story. I was behind the rent. You have any money and knowwone's gonnaHappen to me and everything like that. I had a couple. Kids and L K. You know and he said Hey. I understand Iunderstand he said I said: What do you think and I said well tell you what Ithink you ought to start making coffee for the group he march me over the coffee thing and Ifollowd them and I'm taking to myself. I'm not sure he understood what theconversation Ma. I'm not sure I really explain myself. Maybe I didn't explainmyself properly, you know what I mean and show me iw to make the coffee and Imad the coffee and then the next day I was sposed to go back o the group and Iwas still broke and no money came in. I was feeling sorry for myself andwhether I drank or not it's not even the point that could v Sat. I ti at. Ifelt like staying home and feeling sorry for Ma, soming watching star,treck, reruns or something you know, and but I had to go because I had a WunI had to make the coffee I had to bak the coffee. If it was up to me- and Ididn't have that job- I would have stayed at home- I would have stayed at home, but itwasn't up to me because, because I had a job make a coffee- and you know tothis day- I'm not sure why I went there- was it because I didn't want todiscipone my sponsor and I had a relatonship with him. I think that waspart of it was because I worried what the otherpeople in the group might think about me. If I didn't show up, I think that'spart of it. I really do. I think it's a combination, though, sothat same thing that used to kill me out in the street. The per peopen like to save me an IO's anonymous,because I mession Myselfin to people and I didn give a shit about myself. I've never given ha crap on myself. Mylivestye proves that you know what I mean, but I did worry about what otherpeople thought about me, and so I messd myself in a group of BOT bols and theybecame my friends, and so I would think about well. If I do this shit, what arethey going? Ta Pay Bat e. If I drink, what are they going to think about me?If I do it, you Kno, I would. I would a actually the stuff that was almost Iturned my it was like Yujitsi. It was like alcoholism, Jujitshu. I turned mydisease in my favor. You know what I mean my fear in my favorite, and so Iended up going to the GRUP and making the coffey I ou know somehow I' beentrink. The money came in the rent came in. I don't know what it is. Everythingworked out and I've been drank. Three months later, some Tom Wel walked upmesas I'll, make the coffee. I said, I'm the coffee, Naker Whateei you ar emay do the Coffee Mak. You know what I mean do. Let me read this thin. This is out of Big Book Lop, oflsanonmos. So now you see CAS the real problem.Here's the real problem. Every problem you have every singl, youknow what it says. The great fact is, you know it says you coul be rocket inthe fourth dimension of existence. Ey. Imagine you walk out of that meanthe best thing you've ever been to...

...somehow you feel safe. You feel secure.You feel like you're doing. Okay, you relaxed Y in peace. No imaginefeeling that way. For I don't know, let's put three our yeah three hours. Okay, would you takethree hours about three hours a day like how about three hours, two days aweek, shot okay about three hours, five days a week, how about six hours five days a week that pretty good how about ten hours a day three days a week, how about ten hours a day five days a week? How about from time to wank up in themorning til time to go bed at night seven days a week, you like that wetjust say som for Thir Nine News, don't Tou on pullshit! You know, let me shoot Av all thefucking Orrs at you. We broke ten million times. Have Cancertwice deal with four kids: Seven grandkidsdeal with people a world that really doesn't give a shit about you. You knowand really people that aren't always thinking about you deal with death anddeal with all sorts of stuff deal with it for thirty nine years and and and instead of feeling sorryfor yourself get mean fucking sponsors that don't give a shit about you andsay things like. I think it's about time made coffee and you tell him thatyour arm is falling off. You know what I mean just stick around for thirty nine yearsand do that and see what happens when a problemdevelops situation as Mav see what you evenrecognize. The situation see whether it even comes up on your radar. I mean because when you knew you noticeeverything everything o see lit, you see likeat, you knowlike the two psychiatrists hat passe each other in the hall eah One says,hid the other one says I won Ne. What he meant by that you know it's iopotsare very sensitive. You know they're very touchy right. So, let's read so I read a couplethings in the book. That's interesting all have to do with this kind of stuff,all thats. To do with the second step that you know there may be a power ifthere's a power that start. You know why you stop drinking. You know why youstop drinking. No, you have no idea what you stat ayou. Don't have a clue. Whi You stop drinking. You think you know, don'tthink about it to hag e, just break something. You know what you stop drink. You don'teven know what totally y yeah no top Ngyou know a lot of people go toAA. You know why they're gone in. They don' miage? U They Gon a Pesiti, that'sgo becaus. They don't really know wher to stop drink. Buthe Thinkin, as some Owithoutbaloos e, think it has something to do withthis deal. They don't know what it has to do thisdeal. Maybe it's a group, maybe elmaybe it', something else. Maybe it's a power.An ee stuff is tot believing this stuff. They start believing that there's apower, that's keeping themsever I to believing that it that thers thispower, that they get it this outside this power, they might kill themselves. Then they get to the pone wher. Theystart thinking. Well, if there's a power keeping sover hisn. Maybe this isPower Ghan to stop. I Cam tell myself on t woso shit, maybe there's a power that'll tell himthat peeping from from hurtingother people ar thinking bad things aboutother people, maybe there's a power that will help meto love other people and care about other people and not think so muchabout myself. Maybe there's a power that helping notworry about money so at to be so anxious. Maye is an hour. Maybe twey start believing that there'sa power because they start using their life and that power that Powtet, wecall. God proves himself, we don't believe it, but you know thenext time something happens. We say thet surrending prayer three times andwe say God help me next thin. You know we go to Sleepn, feel good Oly Shit.This thing works. I do ' know. There's a power, not maybe it's some sort ofpsychological thing. You know what I mean. Maybe it's, maybe it's allbullshit. Maybe there isn't any God, but if I decide make a decision tobelieve in God somehow my life gets better. So let's say there is no god,but let's say a thousand years: Innow some really spot sichio ist provesthere isn't well, there is no god, but we decided that we're built in such away that the person who actually decides sa he believes in God thatinsed I mean there's really Tuation to go. If you got AV faith that there's aaempicent God that no matter what happens he's watching out for you and it's all going to turn out. Okay, so don't worry because God's in control-and even if you die, everything should t be wonderful, an yop believing himhat. You coan believe that way, and that would be a life of hope. We call that lifea hope or youcan believe this way. There is no god whatever happens happens, and it's alla matter of faith, and sometimes you...

...get the money and sometimes you justget acxed. It can happen an a time and you'R justscrew and you hot no control an you can believe tha, and that would be a lifeof fear. So if this is not a if this is not adress, rehearsal is. If this is all we got, you got a choice. You can live alife of feer. You can live a life of hope. So what dumb son of a bitch woul live elife of feer, I'm sot of a Beciti a whole bunch, apbarently a whole bunch, becausealcoholics are insane, you might say well that makes no sensewhatever, but alchese are crazy and there's only way, one way out thereison one. Who was all power that Wans God above everything. We must give methis selfishness. We must start killsing, Scod, mags, AP possible, no woman, no man, no management of anylife is going to happe. Only God couldn't word. He wer sought Seeto it your relation with Im as Ridan,Grad, vents or com. Lasto Yo caless others we're out in a new relet. Wehave a new life, it's built upon a relationship with dod on a new basis.We never argue with people about the God who just let them demonstrate inour lives. You know once you make that concition, for God e whole such o,morcal things happen be Al probly gives us everything we need. We stay close tothem and performance work. Well, we get Rockin in the new fourth domensionexistence were experence. Much of having the great fact is this andnothing less that God has become the central fact of our lives. We areabsolutely certain that lovs on our Hart litis wait, which I is deemiraculous. He is doing for USSON. We Giv Thou for ourselves. If a mere cotomorals, a beteflafy life, witoltus, we've been so long but doesn't help usbecause we lick the power. We had to find a power that why we GIN POK UP Acall. We we talk about God, Thi. I sort of thanking the sathiistic sort ofthing. It has to be a band and Dotete risor is and what' your decision goingto be what the fuck you think a is all about w. How can people on Alcohol ynonymousnot get this thing? WELLECAUSE, they're, fucking insane bats. I I'm talking to crazy thing.There are some people that get there are some people that get it thereare alot of people that toy around it with in du Te middle of the road thing andthey screw around with it, and they just don't get it. They don't want toget it. You know. I can't help that thatdoesn't stop me from talking about it. I get it. I want it. You know, sothat's why, whenever you read every paragraph in this book, Here's what youdon't know, every paragram in the book, Yal Falxs Anonma, says the same thing.Soys thesxat same thing: whether you want to hear it or not. It says every problem you have every single problem you have in yourlife has to dol with a with a life. That's disconnected witfrom, God an every solution to every problem. Youhave! No, I know what the problem looks like has to do with Develand, consciouspontect, with God period everything they ask you to Doin. Thisbook is an exercise with Ha support, step of the fifth step or the CIT.Whatever step it is. Love is deat to help me. Have the more conscioustyfcarrying the message to help me. have an Ow, conscious, cotactin T, that'sthat's the that's the Andeal, the whole everything is about to get tothat deal. You can do the set of the O. If, if it's possible to do the stets, Iguess it is people say they do it. I'me done the steps and not have relationwith God. You wans it all. You don't have it. You have something that maybelooks like sobriety. Bun Ia, emotional sobriety, Gil Wilson said the realproblemt alcoholis unhealthy dependencies. That's why it says in the sixth step.We don't want to deprecate. We don't want to put down material things right, that's what jusmaterial things, money, property and romance. That'sright! Ladies! He lifetime channel is right. In there Almart Tae Roman Romance Man, you toldmy wife, it's not about romance. Forget like cut out my heart. You know what Imean. I tellhim a guy, it's not about sex. You know what I mean. You know,that's what what's life all about if it wasn't romance. What's like you knowwhat it says, O the Big Bok. It says money properly in romance and then itsays it says: Nobody's made a worst steal of putting this number one, O ourlives and alces Hey. Let me tell you something: It'sone thing to give up the boozs. It's another thing to take the money, Thoproperty and Romanceand Shov Hen off th the side. Then you go from preachingthe MED one. Then you get a lot of people saying I come here to get thatShit. I'D BE GOING TO TRUTH! I I don't stay out of my sex life. Statd on myromance lide stay out of my love. Life stay out of all this sort of stuff.That's fine! You getin you game, Yo!...

WHAT YOU PAI FOR ANER! You know, I'mjust you KNON, listen! Rarely haven't seen a prison fillit was thoroughlyfolloing. You got a thoroughly Calli, let said if you want, we have and youwilling t go to any length again. Any length is not necessarily just nottrinking going to mets an. Maybe you stay away from that woman.Stay away from that guy. You maybe focus on your surprise. Maybethat Ta, you Kno. So let me read a couple of things: its not a matter. This is on page.Ninety eigh just picked oupt three things, nine nine, but I just want topoint out to you at almost every page of alcoholcs anonymous whatever youread, no matter what it sounds like there talking about either connect thetalking about God, they mayn't Eve Hain were got in, they haven't and they Ithink they list like six hundred times or something you knowe pronounce, butbut Ius they talki about God and you Lealy God, so God versus Bi Er, O thins. What doyou think Gowas was talking about when he drak an he said, worldly clamersmostly live. What do you think you meant by worldly climas Monday, properRomots, money, property, Omo, Mohe, PROPN Roma? You know when you feel bad.You know when you feell, when you go to see enight and you're worried aboutsomthing. You know you're worried about money properly. Well, man, you know when you N Plik your propem Yospontooknoplayabout, onee, probably Roman. You know when you say my life is ShitWel, you say I'm having a bad day, I'm having a bad out. You know Youe teling,about money, property, romance relationship. She tought! That's whatYoat Yota yea O T DANG CITUR! Don't e!! tell me Your scirtual, not religiousrat, that crap an on spirtualan religious. You know why, because theybecause they encourage church membership and CINIGAD worships. Youknow why you get thei judge. They encourage you to have relationshipswith people outside of bee that talk about God, rather than people outside aday than a talking about what car you driving Wer Ou Gong on vacation Taut. They wantyou to Funkus entirely back God, so he becomes the central fact in Tye line.You know why they want t be got such a pact in Tyeu life because that's whathe book says it should be the central fact of your life. I don't care whether you like it or not.I'm just TALLNG whaut. The proscription is I'm just soming IARN SUPPOSD to talkabout this Bot. Believe me, this Isnin, my this is not my program. You know Ihad a program, I had a program, it was the UF tolecro program of sobriety, and I worked that program. I wanterdwhat she had and I was going to go to anyway, to get it didn't work out. Okay,here you go: Hey, not ye. Let's up look at this stuff. Let's see what couldthey be talking bout? Okay, I see wror on top ut, I'm Gonno. Do I'm gonna readthese three things. It won tell you okay, it is not the matter getting.That is I question, but whet an how to get that. Oftn makes the differencebetween failure and success. The minute we put our work on a service play. Thealcohol commits us to Reli upon our assistance, Rab, that upon God, heclammers for this or that that's what you guys are doing plamoring for thisor this claiml he could not maskeralcoll or be happy until hismaterial needs are cared for. That's what you want to talk o about. You said,Oh, what am I going to get the guy the guy ar nonsense, which is well they're, verynice? Well, I wa Ta Fullshit, okay, nonsense. Some of us have taken veryhard knots to learn the truth. Here's the truth. This isn't me just complain.A Jon O, no JOHB wife o know why we simply do not stop drinking as long asYe play dependence upon other people, AHEADOF dependence upon we alway GT, put God more supreme toother people. She gott always be thinking bout. Thank God, person!Anything T, okay, have bu this. Let no alcomiall would say he cannot recoverHor. I cannot be happy or things won't be right unless he has his family that this just isn't so. In some cases, thewife will never come back for one reason or another remind the prospectthat his recovery is not Dependeng upon. People is depent upon his relationshipwith God. yeave seen, men get well whose familieshave not returned at all. We've seen other slip when the family finally cameback to and then finally and Ou Foxanona Tumber,three, that's the guy. If you ever seen the picture of the man on the bad, theGod bill, Otsa the guy in the bed was Bill Dotson, he was in te Torniy. Hewas like marrid Te town or something like that and e punched. The nurse andthere's Doctor Bob and Bill Wilson, it's the name of Paes came to believeis sitting in front Om, bilbles Ond, as the Bible opened and they're talking tohim, and this is what he wrote Rin his deal. He said on page O hnre a ninetyone. It would be hard to estimate how much Aa has done for me. I reallywanted the program and I wanted to go along with it. I noticed remember: IWant Wat...

Wel, you want what we have and aWiingyo got any LEK to get it then You'e Riatto Tike certain steps. Housaid I noticed that others seemed to have such a release, a happiness butsomething I thought a person ought to have. Listen, O Mi, I'm just gonna.Tell you this! Not Draping, not drinking one day at a time will notwill not alone, O the release, the happiness orsomething you thought a person Al the had that's a matter of fact. It says anvision for you, it says here and then an alcoholic drive moment says feelbetter look better. Having better time you laugh at such sally. You know: He'sGonn, try the old GAM again, because hes happn I subriyso to Soono no on sism people, not Osai haveen a drink in five ten years that are lonly, that ArBrittl that are feeling sor to themselves, that ar crappy and don'teven know what's wrong wit, don't even know how to Puck that an Tho een knowthey have a problem ut they may drink again and he wonder why do they drink?Because they're not happy Wel, they may not drink goin to just live a lot ofpidpesporation. That's not surbiving, that's not emotional sobiity! It would be hard destnate. How much ais done for me. I really wanted the program I wantd to go along with hat. Inoticed that I doesn't seem to have such a release. A happiness issomething I thought a person ought to hade. I was trying to find the answer.I knew there was even more something I hadn't got, and I remember one day aweek or two after I ha come out of the Hospital Tho was at my house talking tomy wife and me, we were eating lunch and I was listening and trying to findout why they had this release that they seemed to have bill. Looked across atmy wife and said to her Henrietta. The Lord has been so wonderful to me.Carring O curing me ofte seval disease, that I just want to keep talking aboutit and telling people about what God had done for him by the way, which is why I'm talkingabout him so much to you, because, whatever Bill Wilson caught, I got that deal. I thought I think I had the answer. Iwas very very grateful that he had been released from this terrible thing andhe had, given God the credit for having done it and he's so grateful about it.He wants to tell other people about it that sentence. The Lord has beensolendical to me for any of this terrible disease that I just want tokeep telling people about. It has been a sort of golden text for the a pubMani Formi. That's just like a couple things I rehout of the book, there's about six hundred paragraps that say exactly thesame thing a different way, so your choice it', your life. You knowyour life. You know my life consists of just telling people what I found ndwhen I think Bill Wilson found what the book is talking about. You know what Imean and maybe you're reading a different book, that's possible, so Godbless you. Thank you very much.

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