AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 13 · 2 years ago

Russell S - The Golden Text @ Life Is Good Group 2020

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

You know, tonight we're honor to have a Russell here again. Very humble gentleman. He just likes to help other alcoholics and I give you a Russell. Okay, I heard there was a possibility that last week I might not have been heard in the back of the room. In the back. Could you tell me what you hear me? It's okay, okay, great, but alcoholics, what am I even asking a question? So my name is Russell spats. I'm an alcoholic and I remember the Celticsta group and it's good to be here and I have a lot of friends here, a lot of people have known for many, many years, and I'm found necessary. I'm drinking or have I had a drink since January twenty two thousand nine hundred and eighty one, and I'm grateful to God for that. We're going to talk about a few things today. I'M gonna I can't wait to hear what I have to say. You know I don't plan anything and I'm glad I think Paulie is here something. Paul where are you? Fully came, we had dinner together. I Love Paully. In another week I'll have, I think, thirty nine years and you'll you'll have thirty nine years from month, and that's like we call the the annually clips, where I have the same amount of time he has, you know, except he did he's got nine months more than me, or eleven months more than me, but of course he first came into Ana, so you got to do the conversion, you know what I mean. So, because the the A NA time, it's really like he's got like six months or something. But anyway, doing this is other. But I was he was talking to me. Likes to show up, you know, just in case I should get laryngitis or something. He wants to know that he's there willing to fill in at any time. So trust me, if I should, you know, God forbid, it won't happen, but if I should kill over, have some sort of serious heart attackers, I'm like that, he will immediately rush up here, kick me off the stage and take the part, take the microphone. So because that's the kind of unselfish kind of service that he's involved in, you know. So it's it's good to see you there, Paul. You know we do a meeting together. We're talking about we did well. I don't know how many of you I know there's few peo were at that meeting. What was about four or five years ago. Those one of the best day meetings I've ever been to. I mean we were there, but we were doing it together and it was it was just the wonderful me I did. They actually recorded that one. That was a pretty cool deal with that guy asking that question at the end of the meeting. You remember that question? Yeah, it was interesting deal in any event. So it was. It's kind I want to thank Daniel and some of the guys that came up here with Daniel. He's a drove, I think, sixty miles. We left like four o'clock. But you know, I don't know what you guys know this. It was like pouring. I mean I'm telling you, a torrential rainfall all the way up at accidents and and we manage today. It was just dumbly. Daniel was it was unbelievable, you know, to be in a car with somebody driving eighty five miles per hour behind semi's, you know, three feet behind the semi and but I'm so used to take the third step I had already turned it over. If I die, I died. So but it was scary for me. He's making you turns and spinning around and you know, I had to get out the car and holding my hand, says hey, where we covering alcoholics? Where professionals? Don't you try this at home? You know and you know what we're doing here. So it's good to be here. So I'm going to talk a little bit about I don't know, we'll see. Maybe we'll be step to, probably step six more than likely, step seven, probably into step eleven. We'll back around. They'll be stuff going on here. You know, don't worry about it, don't get upset. You know, though, the first thing I can first thing happening when it came day is my s watcher told me you got to lower your expectations. You know, alcoholics, apparently it says in the book, unless until in alcohol accepts his alcoholism, a old's consequences. It's not the drinking. It's not the drinking. It's really not the drinking. But it actually is the drinking, but it's not. Don't try to for of that one out, but I mean it's not the drinking. It's not the drinking for you, because you may not realize this, but in the front of the hook and says. We about box on alcoholics and also wanted to men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind, the body that's like. Well, I had that stiff. I had this thing called alcoholism. I came in because I couldn't stop drinking. How many people came in to alcoholxus because of a drinking problem? Seems like the place to go. And like the name alcoholics, anonymous, you know. And and I couldn't stop drinking. What I mean when I say I couldn't stop drinking?...

Because we're not going to talk a lot about the drinking thing. But when I came to a box as I would wake up in the morning and I'd say I'm not going to drink today and my five o'clock I'd be drunk. And I did it over and over not. You know why? Because you know why. Because I couldn't. See if you can identify with this, because I couldn't stop drinking. Then stopped me. Yeah, it's an interesting thing when your life turns into a bottom. Then you finally give up. You find its right. See what's the use? I'm never I'm I'm going to die. I'm thirty one years old. I thought my life was over. I couldn't stop drinking it. So when I came day, it wasn't to find God or change my life or any of that stuff. was because I need to relieve. I couldn't stop drinking. And you know what happened after drink of the lightship. Let's stop drinking. It is pretty amazing. Should have been there. It's amazing I stopped drinking. That's a couple things that happen when you stopped drinking. You know, it's amazing. People come up to you like three or four days and hey, you look good, you look better. You know, they they noticed if you don't notice. And I remember waking up one morning and I had cash on the dressing I never woke up with cash anywhere. WHOA where did that come from? You know what I mean and you know. So it is the other little things like that. So the drinking thing and that's the deal. So, but I'm not going to talk about but I've recovered from that hopeless state among the body and so of you. I mean that's that's a hopeless you know, you can't do much about the integrity thing or the or the selfish thing or the or the lusting thing or the envy thing or the thumb sucking, quite baby, feel sorry for yourself thing or or the you know, the the needy thing or the stalking thing, of the craving thing or all that crap that goes along with it. You know, you can't do much about that until you get rid of the drinking thing, which I well, it seems like the biggest thing in the world. I mean, they don't rest for alcoholism, a rest for driving drunk. You know, I mean a drive drinking. But but it seems like a big deal when you got in, when you get in here, but but after you get in here for a while and after you stop drinking. I want to talk a little about the first three or four or five months. People. There are people here that probably have are I've met a couple of them, great guys, and Ryan and Michael is who have like ten or eleven days. There are people here that are, you know, not that far away from the drink, and the drinking thing is the biggest thing in the world and it's a big deal. My spots used to say to me, because this is what you see the people who are doing a you say, because people in noon day a. They just trying to stay away from the drink. The drink is like the big deal. It's a big deal, you know what I mean. Drinking and drunk a big deal, and that's you know, they I went to a meetings for months after I came in and all I thought about was not drinking. On the I had the upset because it's an obsession, it's a it's not only the drinking and the craving about drink, it's the always thinking about the drinking or thinking, what are you going to do on New Year's? What are you doing? It's always that everything is wrapped around with the drinking or or even more esoteric than that, if I can use that word, or more. But it's part of the drinking. Part of the drinking is the life style, the lifestyle, the whrring. You know, and I I I'm not. I don't want to shock you guys, to you apoholic. She shouldn't be shocked anyway. You know what I mean. But but because I think alcoholics, I know how you guys think. But the bottom line is is is the lifestyle of the needing and the half to have in the sex and all that bullshit. You know, all the stuff that you have to have, it have to grab in the cars and the money and I you know, all that crap. It's the lifestyle, you know, and in that kind of deal it's the whole thing that you're wrapped up in. For what I was wrapped up into it. I want to say thirty one years, but you know, I don't know when I was ten years old. But I mean for a long period of time, fifteen, sixteen years, wrapped up in the drinking and the drugging and the running around trying to do this, get that and have this and put that and get it all together and like one giant milkshake, you know, the women, the cars, the money, the job, the whole thing, and just mix it up and try to get it working. And and then it worked. It worked. It works, you know, for you know, a week and then more different or others or you know, whatever. Never works permanently. And so so you come in here and you got the lifestyle going and you got the thinking going, the old ideas, old idea, and you know, old ideas is a funny way to put it. It's like it's like well, if you have a computer, if you I'm not computer expert, but you talk about the motherboard, you know, the whole guts of the computer, the CPU. You know, it's like the whole CPU up here. Let's talking to young lady. She asked me a great question about the God thing and maybe I'll go into it the shoes. She was asking me a question about this thing, about the focus on God, which I am really going to talk about today, which I'm going to talk about for about eleven weeks by the way, but I'm going to talk about it today, about this whole thing that the central fact of our lives has to think God, God, God, got the whole thing, everything in the book about God and, you know, increase your conscious contact with God. And he says, and she has an interesting question because and it is an interesting question for an into an alcohol to ask, because so trust...

...me on this one. Trust me on this one. Some there are some questions that you will ask me that I will try to give you an answer, but you won't understand the answer and I know you want to understand the answer and I can't help that. I cannot help that. You know, if you go out there, you talk to an alcoholic, I mean an active alcoholic, who's not even close to giving up dream key, but he's ruining his life. And you are a recovered alcoholic where you have not had a drink in a month or two months and you don't find necessary have a drink and the craving has gone and the obsession is gone. And you up to this alcoholic who is it even close to hitting bottom and you try to explain to him everything you know about alcoholics and ons you tell him your story. You understand what I'm thought saying. You be as honest as possible about what happened to you and what it was like and what happened and how you don't need to drink anymore and you used to drink. And you tell him that and you watch when he says looks at you like you're crazy. You start if you're an alcoholic, you start thinking this maybe something wrong with you. That's why I got always good a out on it. Why doesn't he understand me? And there's nothing wrong with you. He just doesn't get it. You know, sometimes when you see you ever hear the Cliche, it's like a cliche. Well, I guess you had to be there, just got to be there. I mean, you know you tell a jokers I means and they don't. This is well, I guess you had to be you had to be there, you know, you said to be there. What you're gonna have to understand and you're going to appreciate for some of the stuff that I talked about. You just got to be there. You know, don't ask me how I do things. A thirty five years, thirty nine years sobriety, and how I think at thirty nine years sobriety. Then I try to explain to you what it's all about and you look at me because it's I gave you an answer, but you don't understand the answer. You know, I mean just trust me. Trust, trust in the fact that one of the things that propels us in this thing, that propels you in this thing, as a matter fact, the step before the steps. You know there's the stuff befoot steps. You know that there's a thirteen step before the but it's not the step your thing. It's one before. You know what it says. If you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you're ready to take the steps. Isn't that what it says? Am I I mean you check me on this. I hope, hope I not only be honest about myself, but I hope I'm honest about the literature, which is important. The longer I sober, the more than literature makes sense, because it's true. Even the stuff I didn't think apply to me is true because I didn't understand that it applied to me because I couldn't see it. You know, I didn't have eyes to see your ears here. If you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you're ready. If you don't want there are people that coming here. They don't want we have. You know what they want? They want what they had. They don't want this live style. They don't want some guy who's talking about staying away from bars or staying away from women. Are staying away from men, or romantic relationships and making Goddam they don't want that stuff. They want what they used to have. They want the car back to wife bought, the job back. They want all that stuff back. They don't want what we have. They're not willing. They may want we have, that just don't will be going any length to get they want. We have to, I will to go to meeting every day. They're not willing to go, notw you and not e. They don't want we have. They're not willing to go to any length to get it. They're not ready. They need do the steps so their eyes come. So they just stuck, ended up doing them anyway and it's not going to work out. But there are people that want what we have and a willing going to lazy to get and he that means you have to find a we. That means when you come in here. I know when I came in here, I found a we. I found a people, a group of people, men and women. Two days sober, three days sober, ten days sober, three weeks ober, ten years sober. I saw people in front of me that I wanted what they had. I wanted what they I knew they had something and I wanted it. It was right in front of me. It's like going through the grocery store. You see something. I shall be say that goes great. I want that sucker. You know what I mean? You're not checking out the ingredients. You know. Can you just want to try that deal out? You know where you you want what they had. I met people in here. I wanted what they had. Now that doesn't necessarily set me as a MAFFEC that does mean that you know what they have. You know, you can want what somebody has and not know what they have. You could want what somebody has and not not only not know what they have, but not even know how to get what they got. You know that means. You know. That doesn't mean you actually understand what they have or what they had to do to get what they have. You may see me just as an example. Adopt me. I'm not using me. You know my you know. You may say me and say, you know, I like that Guy Rousted, the way he tossed everything. You know, the guy's wild like that. I'd like to have what he has. You may have like three months or four months. You may want what I have and I like what you guys have got the thirty nine years. That doesn't mean you're ever going to...

...experience what I have until you have thirty nine years. You know when I had three months tobrity. I'm an alcoholic. I want it like that. You know how you know. You know. If you're an alcoholic and you're in a bad mood, let me tell you. Give me five seconds. And two jiggers of Scotch and I'm fine. You know, you may have to go to fifty meetings to get the same effect two jiggers of Scotch. You know, for five seconds out of me, it doesn't work like that. In a a. You got to go through your desert time. You got to go through you. You know, you're how you get thirt nine years sobriety and alcoholics and on us. You got to stay sober for thirty nine years. You know how you stay sober. You know how you learn how to stay sober even though you're broke. It's not fun being broken as it it's not funny being broke. You know. You guys know what that's like. You know how you learn how to stay sober even though you're broken and you feel and you feel depressed. You know you do that. You got to be broken. Did you know that? You know, and not just one time. It's not like a one time broke and then you learn how to be broken. You have. You broke a lot of times, over and over and over. About the hundred and fifty time you're broke and you don't drink. You're pretty solid on the not raking even though you're broke, you're not necessarily real good. I'm not feeling happy. You may be broke and you're not going to drink. You know you're going to go to me, but you're not happy about being broke. You know how long it takes to be happy with yourself and with your life and being gratefully God, even though you're broke and make thirty years. That's a nervous laugh, isn't it? You're not L I know you're not laughing at me. You live with laughing with me, and you know. You know what any talking about, rocking in the fourth dimension of existence, experiencing much of heaven. When they talk about no matter how far down the ladder, what do they talk about? You going to know new freedom and new happinesshould they be talking about booze? Even new and new freedom and new happiness? You think they're going to talk about booze? What would be what would it be like if you woke up on a particularly day and you didn't experience fear? Is Anybody here ever been in a place where that, you know, they talk about the promises, where you you don't know fear like a day, maybe for an hour or two where you have no fear, don't fear of anything. You ever had that deal happen to you? Well, you guys have experienced fear, right. And for the guys who don't like to say they experience fear, you've experienced anxiety, right. You know. Have you ever were experienced like anxiety? You ever? You know, like you talked about last week, like three o'clock the morning, you wake up and you're thinking about sending thing you've been thinking about for three weeks or three months. You know about the problem at work and you're going to be fired and what's going to happen? You don't have a girl, you don't have a guy. You know, and not having sex. Nobody likes it, whatever the hell it is your mother, your father, your sister, at the eighteen thousand voices that are going on in the committee, all bad shit about yourself and other people, and you can't even sleep at night. And you tell you something, you got to stop thinking about this crap because it's killing you. And then you keep on thinking about it because you can't stop thinking about it because you're addictive. You can stop the drinking, but you can't stop to thinking and all that sort of you know and you're going crazy. You've experience. That the right. That's alcohol. That's true alcoholism. Okay, that's that's the the boot. The alcohol is a symptom. That's just the symptom of the problem. Okay, the real problem centers in your mind, not your body. Now, for some people I'm saying that they may not understand it, but you want to know something, three or four weeks I'll understand it. You might be very new and you made it. You may think, and I understand, that the alcoholism is the drinking, because everything in a a for at least a month or two or three or five or ten. It's the drinking, don't drinking, and the asshalls off, they're hanging out. It's all the drinking. Watch you, but we want to watch you for design. Stop Drinking. All right, thank cleft. I want to green hip there three days, wren chip, that three months, sick, Blue Jim, six months. Drink and drink and drank. It till the first year a drink and drinking. And somewhere along the line, I think during the first year it's all about the drink and don't drink. Just don't drink. Don't you drink, don't drink. It seems like the whole book is all about drinking. Everything in the book all you see about is it don't drink and don't drink, and it's the it's the Jaywalker and everything. And then, and then you know something. Yeah, I think during the first year. I think during the first year the insanity comes. You know, that second step where it says came to believe that a power grinters like can restore you to sanity. Another way, is there a power so I'm not fucking insane? What can relieve me of I know I'm not drinking, but I'm nuts. I can't even explain. I can't even I don't even understand why I feel the wheel that way I feel. I understand why this is happening to me. And sometimes you think it's circumstances and you go to your sponsor about the circumstance and somehow they're trying to tell you, although no, you realize it's not circumstances because you're crazy, that you're trying to figure out...

...what is this craziness, because you think it's sort of like a unique craziness. It's like a personal craziness. It's your it's my craziess you wouldn't understand my craziness. And then here somebody talking on the podiums is, that's why, fucking craziness, and you're another that's my crazy is and then they say something like that's alcoholism. So man, now I know what they mean when they say sudden, that's that. And then you feel a little bit with mead because although you feel crazy, at least you're not crazy and alone. Crazy and alone is bad. Crazy in a group of people there as crazy as you are, not so bad, you know what I mean? Not so bad. You know, you don't feel so down on yourself, you know, because that kind off it's crazy and group is okay. So so you do that. That that deal you got, that create solving. So then it says, came to believe that power can restore. So you start first, the first ten years you're trying to get a grip on how crazy you are. And the truth of the matter is sometimes the craziness comes upon you just us. You're not doing anything wrong, you're not hurting anybody, you're not do anything. It just sort of it's Wednesday. You know what I mean. It's crazy. Noll and he you know I mean, I don't know, the cloud goes by or something or thought, and sometimes it happens as a result the stupid actions that you take and sometimes it happens because of the vague reason of life, because even if a good bet or in different you get into a cryss and someone happens a crazyness. So what happens is we actually learned about the craziness in tough times. You know, that's I mean. It's easy to be happy and great when you're getting laid all the time, you got all the money in the world, everything's going your way. How do you feel when you're not getting your own way? How do you feel when you're broke? How do you feel when you get tight? That's when the craziness comes upon you. And of course you're first thinking, because your old ideas, that you're not crazy. You feel the way you do because this happened to you, and you may say things like well, if it happened to you, you do the same. You feel the same way if it happened to you. And then one day you run into somebody and happen to them and they're not crazy at all. This matter of fact, they're happy and they're trying to help other people and all of a sudden you want what they have and you don't even know what they have. All you know they got fired, they got cans, they got this and they're happy and they helping other people and say what the heck is going on with that guy? And you start realizing that there's more to this than just thoughts drinking. There's something about being happy. So what would happen if you went through a day? You've been through days where you don't have anxiety. Imbre telling Real Keith once that I was feeling, though. That's a man, I'm feeling crappy and like that four years if I was, I feel crappy's hey, this may be the best you ever feel. That's the kind of encourage my I got an alcoholics and onymous. You know this. Maybe it because maybe val hollow for you. You know, think about the the best a mean you've ever been to, excluding this one, of course. Think about the best a mean. You think about the a mean you went to we're after me. You were like flying high. You felt great. For you know however long that is? It last thirty minutes, they five minutes, ten minutes until you get in J car, you pass a billboard, brand new car, goodlooking, blows or something sending from the car. Until you see something, you feel something, you got on the scale, who knows what it is, and then you're a piece of shit again, you know. And you'll just stand in the shower, lather or up, and all of a sudden, here this voice. You're an ass all, you ought to kill yourself. And WHOA, where did that come from? You turn around, you turn around, there's nobody there but you. You know what I mean. It's like, Whoa, well, who's called me an asshole? That's me calling me an ass all. That's my reputation about me. With me. I ain't going to tell you that. You know I'm the greatest thing in the world and I'm going to but you know, that's me. You know. and and sometimes you can. You turn on a TV or your text you you do a lot of stuff. You got to run around, do a lot of stuff. You gotta get them mom you don't want any silence. Alcoholics don't like silence. They don't like pregnant pauses with silence. They got to start talking, because its silence. Then they start thinking and they're thinking about bad shit about themselves and other people. That's what alcoholics do. That's consequence of being an alcoholic. You sit in the bar, you send somewhere. You turned somebody. You know, why don't you just start talking bad shit about other people? And that trump douts an asshole. You know I mean? Oh, that that, that humor guy is an asshole. Oh, you know, they Guy Fred Win, an asshole. He is. You know that. But look at that ye out man. It's fucking ugly. You know what I mean? Yeah, and you maybe sit next to another axais. Yeah, man, she, you don't real ass all that got home. Man, he's an asshole. Yeah, I get a guy too agree to you about assholes and anyone like that. And why do Alphos do that? Because if you feel like an asshole and you feel like if he's of Shit Somehow, if you talk bad about other people and you get people to agree with you, it makes you feel better. You wouldn't do if it didn't make you feel better. You do it. You do it. You Gossip about other people and you say bad stuff about other people because it makes you feel better or superior. What do you call a person? What kind of person is that? Who needs to put down other people and hate other people and say that thing's about until it so they don't feel so shitty about themselves. Do you think that leads...

...to a happy life? How do you expect to be happy, sobered happy, if that's what you're going to do all the time? But what happens when you can't stop yourself from doing it? What happens when you can stop drinking but you can't stop talking bad shit or think of that Shit about other people? What happens you do all that way? What happens when you start recognizing over a period of time to real disease? And so you go, you you get broken million times, or you get people that disappoint you a million times, you get fired, whatever it is that happens to you. And Somehow, some way, you got to try to start drinking, which means you go to meetings, you talk to your sponsor and now all of a sudden they're feeding you stuff that that doesn't sound like it's a a because it does have to with drinking. It has to do with God, spiritual stuff, acting well, not thinking that way. I have a very good friend who's, you know, after many years, an a, a very good friend who's a pastor. Had A lot of friendshore pastors. One of them is I love the guys that he's Carrie Miller and he's I do actually worship service for service form on on Sundays and he's been a pastor for like seventy years. Seeing you pass a lot of churches and one of the things he says, it's kind of funny, it's he says. So he'll start he's a pathtist preacher. So he'll start talking some serious stuff and he'll say, well, you and I, and when he starts preaching some hard doctrine and called hard doctrines, stuff hard doctor to stuff people don't want to hear, you may find US hardly. There are things, and set an a a that I'll say nay, that people don't want to hear. You understands some absolutely necessary for grown up show. The six step is set that separates the men the boys in order to grow up and become adult. There's think and stop being a baby thumb stuck with high baby. There's things you need to hear, but that doesn't mean you necessarily like to hear them. You know the truth. You can't handle the truth, and so carry will say, he says. Well, you may think I've stopped pretchy preaching and God gone to medling, meddling in your business. Well, so, I came here to learn how to stop drinking. I didn't hear come here to hear you talk about my sex life. I didn't come here to hear you talk about pornography. I didn't come here to hear you talk about my spending. I didn't come here to hear you talk about all this other crap you're talking about. Well, you've stopped drinking, your life is ruled by all the other other shit. I mean, I don't know. You want to be a man and you want to be a boy. What do you think the six step is all about when it says it says we're entirely rated, to have God to remove all these defects of character? What do you think that's allot? Maybe you want to read the books. You know what I mean. What do you think they're talking about when they're they're talking about in that deal? What do you think they're talking about? So, how would you like to go? So you think about that meeting you went to. Is the best meeting and you felt great, but it had a half life of about half an hour and then all of a sudden you thinking about your job and this and that, all the stuff that makes you feel like crap again, and last a short periods time, but it last long enough so that it makes you feel good and you don't drink that you come back the next day. But the rest of your life is pretty crappy. Then, when I say pretty crappy, everything's relative. You know, I would never call my sobriety all through the years crappy. I think if you hit me on the shoulder at seven years, I'd say, Hey, it's great, I love a. At nine years I'd say it's great, I love a. At fifteen years I'd say it's great, I love a. But if you got me on the shoulder twenty years and said how just surprised to say it's great, a Love A. You'd say how was it in five years, I'd say it was crap. I wouldn't want to go back to five years. I wouldn't want to go back to worrying about what I wouldn't at twenty years, I don't want to go back to the Shit I was thinking about him one year. You know, I mean wherever you're at and I don't. We guys are just starting. If you have five years, you're surpriting. May Be good. You like your sprity. Great for your sobriety. There's some things you buy back. Guys said Ho would like to go back to one year. You say no way. Why? That was crap and everything butter. One year you would have thought it was great, because every year and every day goes by it gets better and better and better and worse and better and better and better and worse and better and better and better and worse and better and better, better and worse, the better, very better, better and worse. And so your idea what sober means and what means to be emotionally sober change it so over the years. So you know and you got the sobriety, but you lose it. You said, when am I going to experience? I experience some of the promises, whether I experience them full time. You know, I'm sick and tired of being work. I'm sick and tired of the worry. I'm sick and tired of the worry. Nine years sober, I told you this story. I go up the rail keep I'm broke again. And I was broke because I was spending more anything. I make ID sponsored on me that, since when you spend more money than you make, you going to debt. I didn't know that. I was. I was a PhD. I was going to buy a PhD in mathematics. I was great topology. You know, I took talculs,...

...some manifolds, all that stuff. I didn't realize if you spend more money then you make, you going to dead. I can realize that if you just charge things and charge by and they took away all my credit cards. They took away all my credit cards because apparently they want me to pay the money back. I don't understand that. I'm an alcoholic. I see something, I want something, I buy. If I have the money, I buy it, if I have credit card, I buy it. Why do I buy? Because I spend money. I don't have to buy shit. I don't need to impress people. I don't even like, you know, because I want people to think I'm doing great, because I am doing great. That's a why do I drive a car I can't afford? Because why do I my sponsors? Get rid of the Cadillac, get the Chevy. I'm not going to do that. I don't know why. I'm not going to do that. I just don't see my I am in a Cadillac, I'm a lawyer, I'm in a CATILLAC. They see me in broting brand new Cadillac. Why am I? And I'm all I'm doing is going to meetings and talk to my sponsor about how broke I am and how I'm worried and where am I going to get the money? And I taught. Says so once you simplify your life, and I know he's down about getting Cheffy, but that's never going to happen. I can't see how to do it. Anytime I think how can I do it? I mean there are gard ways of doing it, but I can't figure out how to drive a Chevy and I don't even know why. It's an impossible thing. So I just want to figure out how to borrow more money or get money from my parents or I think, because I don't know how to do that. And the reason I don't know how to do that it's because I'm scared. And what am I scared? And I'm scared about what will people think about me if I show up in a Chevy instead of a catalact. I think I'm not doing as well as I think I'm supposed to be doing, and then something's going to I don't know what it's going to be. I don't know what's gonna Happen, but it's going to be terrible and I know they're going to notice it because they're always thinking about me, because the one thing I know is I worried about there think of me and they are watching me. You know, I got to go to that hey, let it takes some I got to go to that party. I know the servant be a why do you have to go to that party? Because I'm expected to be there because, let you know, there's a hundred people and they all fucking expect me to be there and if I'm not there they're gonna be saying, what's wrong with him, what's going on? So I got to be there. You know what the WHO thinks like that? You know who thinks like that? It says in the promises for your people. Leave you fear people. That kind of consecrating. And how do you cure a guy of fear people? Well, I mean for many years I didn't think I had a drinking problem. The first step, in the first step and getting out of jail's doing you're in jail in the first place. I got out of the the drinking jail. How do you get out of the fear of people jail when you don't think? You out of fear of people, when you're telling everybody, including yourself, you don't give a shit what other people think about you, when you go through your entire life telling people you don't give a shit with other people think about you and you tell you something you don't give a shit about other people think, think about you, when your entire life, your thought life, you're spending life, everything is all consumed about buying shit and doing stuff and being stuffed saying stuff. We're in the back of mindset. I wonder what they think about me. You know, I think. I mean, how do you do that? How do you even do an a a me? Quite frankly, you know you don't. That's why, when first come day and they say do it me, and say I'm not ready. I'm just not ready to be judged by all those people, and I know they're all thinking about me. They're all going to laugh about me and terrible things going to happen because I'm just consumed with fear. At the same time I'm saying, really, I don't give a shit what other people think about it, and that's the real alcoholism. That centers in your mind, not your body, and it perfects, it's permeates my whole mind and I don't even know I have it. And I learned it little by slowly, by going to means like this over here, to five, ten, fifteen, twenty years, whatever it is, you know. So I go up to the guy. What am I going to be and what am I going to lose? Financial what am I going to have? Financial Security? You know, I told you, this is side finance as well financial scirity. What am I gonna BE? Any and nine years old? They took away at credit cards. What am I going to do? What am I to do? You'll learn how to live without credit cards. Now you live without credit cards, you buy the only time you buy stuff is if you have cash in your pocket. You live on some cold the cash bases. It's like, amazing, I think I'll buy that shirt. I don't have the money. I can. So I know, you know, you know it's amazing. So he said, he said, I'll tell you he said what I said. Well, what am I going to have financial screw when I use this? They don't say that it is just they do I read them the thing we are people in financially. Says not. He says you'll always be broke. He says it's just won't bother you. That's all you know, and that's the deal. What happens? I don't know. I don't know. What drives you crazy. Is that the money thing? The money thing is a good thing for alcoholics, because the money thing drives people praise you. Money, the money. That's good that we have money. Produm, you know, in the book of James, which is sulting, was modeled after, it says rejoice when you have trials of many kinds, rejoice when you have hous of many kinds. Rejoice me happy because if you persevere through the through the trials that and you pray to God and your focus on God, he says your maturity, your spiritual maturity, will grow and you'll be able to handle life better. Have like the saving faith from that kind of thing and and it sounds sort of Hie in the sky, but it works. But in order to rejoice when you have in order to get the point. We're rejoicing in poverty, rejoicing in bad health and Joyce and all that. You got to have bad health and you gotta have poverty. You got to go through it a lot and I want you to. I want you to trust me on this. You don't have anything to worry about, because you are going to go through it a lot. I'm going to promise you, guys, one thing. Life is going to beat the fucking shit out of you. That's going to happen. You don't have to like me.

I don't care with you. You know, it's fine. You want to hate me, you can hate me all you want. Trust me, you type that God to show. Life is going to beat the living shit out of you. You're all going to have help problems, people going to die, people going to disappoint, you're going to be fired, you have money problem, you're gonna have shit happen to you. You can't even I fuck, I believe it. And you're eating, going to drink or not drink. You're any going to feel serve yourself at such a time. You're either going to stay like ten year old little babies or you're going to stay sober and you're going to ten years from now, you're going to come to me and say, I used to hate your fucking ass, but now I love it. You know what I mean, and that's the way this deal is going to work. You understand what I'm saying. And here's the deal. You may not understand what I'm saying, except the little peace of your mind. Mind say, Holy Shit, you like there's something about the way this guy so I think he's fucking right. I don't like it, but I think he's right. You know what I mean. And then you might say, well, I don't know how do I get what he's got, and you don't know how to get what I got, and I can't explain you how to get what I got. But somewhere and what I'm saying, there's something in there. You're going to get something. You might get a little pebble, you'll get something. You'll hear something else. You get something else. You just because you got to go through it. You got to go through the desert time, you gotta go through the exercise, you go to the Jim, you got to lift the weights, you got to go through the craft. So the first six months in the first year you can hear all about the drink and drink and drink and drink and drinking. You know, but somewhere along that time you're going to stop living the life and learn about the the hurting. You're going to learn about the tough time general, learn about that the stuff. You know what I mean. And as you as you're as you're getting hit and pummeled and you're reading the book, you're not going to be you're going to be told not to drink, but you're also going to be told other things. You can be told crazy shit. You're going to see. You're going to be told some crazy shit, like when I went up to my sponsor through four months and I had a wife and kids and I was broken. I was worried and I told him I was broken. I was worried. I was going to tell my grew, tell my group them broke. Ain't gonna happen. You know what I mean. You know, not that I give a shit what they think about me, but I'm not going to tell. So that's responsor before. So I told my sponsored about it, you know, and you know he said to me, says I told him the whole story. How it's behind the rent. You have any money, I know what's gonna Happen to me and everything like that. I had a couple kids and you know. And he said, Hey, I understand, I understand, he said. I said, what do you think? And I said I'll tell you what. I think. You ought to start making coffee for the group. May Marsh Bell Overle to coffee thing and I followed him and I'm thinking to myself, I'm not sure you understood what the conversation. I'm not sure I really explain myself. Maybe I didn't explain myself properly, you know what I mean. And Show me how to make the coffee. And I made the coffee. And then the next day I was supposed to go back to the group and I was still broken. Nobody came in and I was feeling sorry for myself and whether I drank or not, it's not even the point. I could sat, I could. I felt like staying home and feeling sorry for myself and watching Star Trek reruns or something, you know, and but I had to go because I had a what I had to make the coffee. I had to make the coffee if it was up to me, and I didn't have that job, I would have stayed at home. I would have stayed at home, but it was it up to me, because because I had a job, to make the coffee. And you know, to this day I'm not sure why I went there. Was it because I didn't want to disappoint my sponsor and I had a relationship with them? I think I was part of it. Was it because I worried what the other people in the group might think about me if I didn't show up? I think that's part of it, I really do. I think it's a combination, though. So that same thing that used to kill me out in the street, the fewer people like to save me. An alcoholics, anonymous, because I messed myself in the people and I can give a shit about myself. I've never given a crap by myself. My lifestyle proves that, you know what I mean. But I did worry about what other people thought about me, and so I messed myself in a group of aut box and they became my friends and so I would think about, well, if I do this shit, what are they going to pay about me? If I drink, what are they going to think about me? If I do you know, I would. I would actually the stuff. That was almost yet I turned my it was like Jiu Jitsu. It was like alcoholism Jiu Jitsu. I turned my disease in my favor, you know what I mean, my fear in my favorite and so I ended up going to the group and make them the coffee. I don't know. Somehow I didn't drink. The money came in, the rent came in, I don't know what it is. Everything worked out and I didn't drink. Three months later, some conway walked up me says I'll make the coffee. I said, I'm the coffeemaker. What the Hell do you think you are? We make you the coffee maker. You know what I mean. But let me read this thing. This is that the big book of Alcoholics, anonymous somehow, you see, because the real problem here's the real problem, every problem you have, every single you know what it says. The great fact is you know it says you could be rocked in the fourth dimension of existence. I imagine you walk out of that me the best mean you've ever been to. Somehow you feel safe, you feel secure,...

...you feel like you're doing okay. You relaxed in peace. Now imagine feeling that way for I don't know, let's put three hours. Yeah, three hours, okay. Would you take three hours? How about three hours a day? Like? How about three hours two days a week? Is that okay? How about three hours five days a week? How about six hours, five days a week? So that pretty good. How about ten hours a day, three days a week? How about ten hours a day five days a week? How about from time to wake up in the morning till time to go bed at night, seven days a week? You like that? What just stay sold for thirty nine is go through all the bullshit. You know, let me shoot every all the fucking hours at you. Be broke ten million times, have cancered twice. Deal with four kids, seven grandkids, deal with people, a world that really doesn't give a shit about you, you know, and really people that aren't always thinking about you. Deal with death and deal with all sorts of stuff. DEAL WITH IT for thirty nine years, and and and and, instead of feeling sorry for yourself, get mean fucking sponsors that don't give a shit about you and say things like I think it's about time to make coffee. When you tell him that your arm is falling off. You know what I mean. Just stick around for thirty nine years and do that. Let's see what happens when a problem develops, a situation as math. See whether you even recognize that situation, see whether it even comes up on your radar. I mean because when you knew, you notice everything, everything to see what you seem like. Got That Guy Look at me, you know, like the two psychiatrists have passed each other in the hall. One says how the other one says, I wonder what he meant by that. You know, it's like alcoholics are very sensitive, you know, they're very touchy. Right. So let's read. So I read a couple things in the book. That's interesting. They all have to do with this kind of stuff. All has to do with the second step, that you know there may be a power. If there's a power, that stopped you know why you stop drinking. Do you know why you stop drinking? No, you have no idea why you stop drinking. You don't have a clue. While you stop drinking, you think you know. Don't think about it too hard. There's just great something you know why you stopped, like you don't even know what's totally yet. You don't know. I stopped talking. You know, a lot of people go to a a. You know why they're going a? They don't make this stuf. They're going to a because they're stre not to it to a because they don't really know why to stop drink. But I think it has somebody with alcoholics, anonymous. They think it has something to do with this deal. They don't know what it has to do this deal. Maybe it's a group. Maybe, well, maybe it's something else. Maybe it's a power. They read the stuff. They stopped leaving the stuff. They start believing that there's a power that's keeping them sober. Let stop believing that at that is this power of that. They get it this outside this power, they might kill themselves. You know, then they get to the point where they start thinking, well, if there's a power that keep them sober, there is, and maybe this is a power that to stop us from telling myself I'm a piece of shit. Maybe there's a power that will tell that keeping from from hurting other people, are thinking bad things about other people. Maybe there's a power that will help me to love other people and care about other people and I think so much about myself. Maybe there's a power that of helping not worry about money so much, would be so anxious. Maybe this power. Maybe the start believing that there's a power because they start using their life and that power, that power that we call God, proves himself. We don't believe it, but you know, the next time something happens, we say this arendy prayer three times and we say God help me. Next thing you know, we go to sleep and feel good. So, Holy Shit, this thing works. I don't know. There's a power not? Maybe it's some sort of psychological thing, you know what I mean? Maybe it's maybe it's all bullshit. Maybe there isn't any God, but if I decide, make a decision to believe in God, somehow my life gets better. So let's say there is no god, but let's say a thousand years from some really smart psychiatrist proves there isn't. Well, there is no God, but we've decided that we're built in such a way that the person who actually decides that he believes in God that instead. I mean there's really two ways you can go. You'd even have faith that there's a beneficent God that no matter what happens, he's watching out for you and it's all going to turn out okay. So don't worry, because God's in control all and even if you die, everything's going to be wonderful, if you believe in him. that. You can believe that way, and that would be a life of hope. We'll call that life of hope. Or you can believe this way. There is no god. Whatever happens happens, and it's all a matter of faith. And sometimes you got the money and sometimes you just get asked.

It can happen at any time and you just screwed and you got no control what. You can believe that, and that would be a life of fear. So, if this is not a if this is not a dress rehearsals, if this is all we got, you got a choice. You can live a life of fear. Well, you can live a life of hope. So what dumb son of a bitch would live a life of fear? Really? Some son of a bitch and a whole bunch. Apparently, a whole bunch, because alcoholics are insane. You might say, well, that makes no sense whatsoever, but Al keys are crazy and there's only way, one way out. There is one who has all power, that one's God. Above everything. We must give into this selfishness. We must start kills its. God makes that possible. No woman, no man, no management of any life is going to have only God couldn't word if he were sought. See to what your relationship with him is ryding. Great events would come from aster. You cantless others. We're on a new ro let. We have a new life. It's built upon a relationship with God on a new basis. We never argue with people about the God. We just let them demonstrate in our lives. You know, once you make that decision for God, the whole sorts of morkful things happen. Be It all, powerfubly gives us everything we need. We stay close to him and performance work well, we get rocking in the new fourth dimension of existence where experience much of having. The great factor is this and nothing less, that God has become the central fact of our lives. We are absolutely certain they lives in our hearts and lives is way, which is deep miraculous. He is doing for us when we can't do for ourselves. If I'm mere code of morals, a metaphilosphy life would help us. We've been so long, but doesn't help us because we lack the power. We had to find a power. Of that why we weren't booking up call where we talk about God. This sort of thinking, the safteistic sort of think, it has to be abandoned. God either. Is there is and what's your decision going to be? What the fuck do you think as all about? How? How can people in alcoholics anonymous not get this thing? Well, because they're fucking insane, because I'm talking to crazy people. There are some people that get there are some people to get it. There are a lot of people that toy around it, with it. It's do the metal of the road thing and they screw around with it and they just don't get it. They don't want to get it. You know, I can't help that. That doesn't stop me from talking about it. I get it, I want it, you know. So that's why, whenever you read every paragraph in this book, Here's what you don't know. Every paragraph in the book alcoholics anonymous says the same thing, says it's sent exact same thing, whether you want to hear it or not, it says every problem you have, every single problem you have in your life has to do with a with a life that's disconnected with from God, and every solution to every problem you have, no matter what the problem looks like, has to do with developed, in conscious contact with God. Period. Everything they ask you to do in this book is an exercise with us. The fourth step of the fifth step or the CIT whatever step it is, love is step to help you have a more conscious God, carrying the message to help you have an own conscious contact with that's that's the that's the end deal, the whole everything is about to get to that deal. You can do the steps of the God. If, if it's possible, do the steps. I guess it is. People say they do it. I've done the steps and not have a relationship with God. You lost it all. You don't have it. You have something that maybe looks like sobriety, but it ain't emotional sobriety, Bill Wilson said, the real problem with alcoholics is unhealthy dependencies. That's why it says in the sixth step we don't want to deprecate, we don't want to put down material things. Right, that's what says. Material things, money, property and romance. That's right, ladies. The lifetime channel is right in there. All Mark Channel Romance. Romance, man, you told my wife it's not about romance. Forget like cut out my heart. You know what I mean? It's I tell him, a guy, it's not about sex. You know what I mean. You know, that's what what's life all about? If it was in romance, what's life? You know what it says in the big book. It says money, property in Romance. And then it says it says nobody's made a worse steal of putting this number one of our lives. And now he's Hey, let me tell you something. It's one thing to give up the booze. It's another thing to take the money, the property and romance and shove them off the side. Then you go from preaching the mead one. Then you got a lot of people say it. I didn't come here to get that Shit. I'd be going to truck, I would. I don't. Stay out of my sex life, stay od on my romance life, stay out of my love life, stay out of all this sort of stuff. That's fine. You get what you get. You get what you...

...pay for in the here. You know, I just you know, listen. Rarely haven't seen a person fail who was thoroughly follow. You got to thoroughly follow the let's said, if you want, we have and you willing go to any length to get any length. It's not necessarily just not drinking, going to meetings. It may be stay away from that woman, stay away from that guy. It may be focus on your sobriety. Maybe that too, you know. So let me read you a couple of things. It's not a matter. This is on page ninety eight. Just picked out three things to ninety nine. But I just want to point out to you at almost every page about Bolics, anonymous, whatever you read, no matter what it sounds like, they're talking about, either connect the talking about God. They may even have worked God and they have it. They I think they listen like six hundred times or something. Either the pronounced, but but I mean they talk about God and your relationship with God. So God versus material things. What do you think doubs was talking about when he dragged any said worldly clamors mostly with him? What do you think you meant by worldly clamors? Money properly romance, money properly romance, money properly romance. You know when you feel bad. You know when you feel when you go to see to night and you're worried about something, you know you're worried about money, property, Romance. You know when you can played your properly, your sponsor, you know you can play about money properly. Romance. You know when you say my life is Shit, when you say I'm having a bad day, I'm having a bad at you, don't you talk about money, property, romance, relationships. You thought that's what you at you time about. That's what you're telling yeah, telling about day. Spiritual. Don't be telling me your spiritual, not religious. Ready, that crap. You're on spiritual and religious. You know why? Because they they because they encourage church membership and Senna God worships. You know why? I gets a church. They encourage you to have relationships with people outside of a a that talk about God rather than people outside of a that are talking about Lakard, you're driving, where you going on vacation, because they want you to focus entirely about God, so he becomes the central fact of your life. You know why? Don't want to become the central fact in your life, because that's what the book says. It should be the central fact of your life. I don't care what you like it or not. I'm just telling what the prescription is. I'm not I'm just done. How does is? I'm I supant's talk about this book. Believe me, this is in my this is not my program. You know, I had a program. I had a program. It was the you haveler crawl program of sobriety, and I work that program. I wanted what she had and I was wanting to go to any length to get it. Didn't work out. Okay, here you go. Here's not idea. Let's look at this stuff. Let's see. What could they be talking about? Okay, I see where I'm taping. I'm going to do I'm going to read these three things. It won't kill you. Okay. It is not the matter giving that as in question, but when and how to give that often makes the difference between failure and success. The minute we put our work on a service playing, the alcohol commences to rely upon our assistance rather that upon God. He clamors for this or that. That's what you guys are doing, clamoring for this or that, claiming he couldnot master Apphole or be happy until his material needs are cared for. That's what you want to talk to you about. You said, what am I going to get the guy? The Guy, the money, guitar? Nonsense, which is they're very nice. Well, I would take bullshit, okay, nonsense. Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn the truth. Here's the truth. This is a me just complained. A job or no job, wife or no why? We simply do not stop drinking. As long as you place dependance upon other people ahead of dependence upon God, we only got to put God more supremes other people's got always be thinking about it. Thank God first. Anythink Hap of this, let no alcohol, would say he cannot recover, or he cannot be happy, or things won't be right unless he has his family back. This just isn't so. In some cases the wife will never come back, but one reason or another, remind the prospect of his recovery is not dependant upon people, is depend upon his relationship with God. You have seen men get well whose families have not returned at all. We have seen others slip when the family finally came back to and then finally, and alcoholics anonymous number three. That's the guy. If you ever seen a picture of the man on the bed the God buill Dotson. The guy in the bed is Bill Dotson. He was an attorney, he was like married to town or something like that, and he punched the nurse, and there's Dr Bob and Bill Wilson. It's the name hint this came to believe, is sitting in front from Bill Wilson as the Bible opened and they're talking to him. And this is what he wrote in his deal. He said on page one hundred and ninety one, it would be hard to estimate how much Aa has done for me. I really wanted the program and I wanted to go along with it. I noticed, remember, I want one wall. If you want what we have and are willing to...

...go to any length to get it, then you're ready to take certain steps, he said. I noticed that others seemed to have such a release, a happiness, something I thought a person ought to have. Listen to me, I'm just going to tell you this. Not Drinking, not drinking one day at a time will not, will not alone give you the release, the happiness or something you thought a person will all to have as a matter of act, it says, and vision for you, it says. Here and then an alcoholic drive moment says feel better, look better, having better time to laugh at such sally, you know he's going to try the old game again because he's not happy with his sobriety. So to sooner known lonely as is. You let do the people, no said, having a drink in five, ten years, that are lonely, that are brittle, that are feeling sorry for themselves, that are crappy and they don't even know what's wrong and don't even know how to talk about it. Don't even know they have a problem. And then they drink again and you're wonder, why do they drink? Because they're not happy, or they may not drink again and just live a lot of quiet desperation. That's not sobriety. That's not emotional sobriety. It would be hard estimate how much as done for me. I really wanted a program. I wanted to go along with that. I noticed that others seem to have such a release. The happiness is something I thought a person ought to have. I was trying to find the answer. I knew there was even more, something. I hadn't died and I remember one day a week it to after I come out of the hospital. Bill was at my house talking to my wife and me. We were eating lunch and I was listening and trying to find out why they had this release that they seem to have. Bill looked cross at my wife and said to her, Henrietta, the Lord has been so wonderful to me, carrying got curing me of this terrible disease, that I just want to keep talking about it and telling people about what God had done for him, by the way, which is why I'm talking about him so much to you, because whatever Bill Wilson caught, I got that deal. I thought. I think I have the answer. Bill was very, very grateful that he had been released from this terrible thing and he had given God the credit for having done it, and he's so grateful about it he wants to tell other people about it. That sentence, the Lord has been so wonderful to me, curring me of this terrible disease that I just want to keep telling people about it. Has Been a sort of golden text for the a program Id for me, that's just like couple things are right out of the book. There's about six hundred paragraphs that say exactly the same thing a different way. So your choice. That's your life. You know it's your life. You know my life consists of just telling people what I found when I think Bill Wilson found what the book is talking about. You know what I mean, and maybe you're reading a different book. That's possible. So God bless you. Thank you very much. I.

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