AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 20 · 2 years ago

Russell S - The 50 Year Story @ Life Is Good Group 2020

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Thanks. going. Okay, and once again we got my great grand sponsor, Russell speaking. This is eight weeks. Russell does ten weeks and then I'll last. We've had some real a glad you lasting speaker. We got Steven, be Peter and Russell, and next you're going to have pat rug starting once again. He is Russell now. Thank you, gentlemen. Thank you very much. My name is Russell's spats. I'm going to bold sounds just a group and it's good to be here. And Yeah, that's going to come in after he's going to do a repair job. So my mess job right, think. Don't worry about how smooth it okay, so I was I was I was coming and I'm sort of thinking one I was going to talk about. I was day. I was going to talk a little bit about the disease and why it works, why this works. Something I have to do with why it works. Okay, I don't have it works, but the why works. Then I came in here and somebody started talking to me about the what's that? Then the rocketed in the fourth dimension than the sidekick. Change, the profound. What is the profound? What is the change? The psychic the thing we're supposed to have. That supposed to happen. Thank you. I feel like Joe Biden up here. What's that thing? I feel so sorry for the vibe because I got to say I'm going to be seventy one, like I'm more sixteen. So I feel so sorry to God because I got that thing. I know what the deal is. I got that thing. You're going to say something. You know what it is, but you forgot. You know. What is that? What are a dog whens? I don't know. So profound personality change or something, some sort of psychic change. And so that I said wetlement that I start thinking about that. And then, and then then somebody said something about what you don't you tend to me you're on top tennis. May there's will say something about that, you know, and so I'm going to try to hit them all, you know. So, Annie, if I forget, you know, like I could talk about the fifty year thing. I can't remember the fifty years. And Okay, I love what you're talking about. Okay, I got a story that it doesn't take fifty years to tell, but it happened over fifty years. There are you know what? One of the benefits are staying so for a while as you actually develop stories that you that actually sometimes you change happens in your life fifty years down. I'm just that's just the way it is. That comes under you see, thirty five, he says, once this good happens and when you're fifty it's going to happen. Sometimes some changes don't happens a you seventy one years old, you know, and it's just happens. They're good stuff, you know, and Oly. So life of hope instead of a life of yours. So I'm to try to do all that sort of something. I'm going to read something and I don't know why. It had to do with something and I like it. So if I can only find it, like I had it here and then it disappeared. So in anything. So let me just read this. I'm going to read this one thing and then you got to excuse me. I'm I'm well, some people I say I've been rocketed into the fourth dimension. I was. I went so fast and so high with the God thing that I overshot the fourth dimension and I wanted up in the fourth dimension. So and it's so bad here, though. You know, I'm looking back on the dimension. You know and experience much of out it. So so here's what it says. It says there's on page on game. You know. You know, one thing you can do with this, I mean when you really get into the craziness and you sort of looking back on him, is you can take any paragraph, any line, and just repeated about twenty times and think about it and you don't have to read you know. So this is cool. I like this. We were talking, I was talking to some people about what it takes to get people when I first, when I came in from first five or ten years, and timing. I'm really loose on the timing, because you go to be seventy one. I'm sober thirty nine years. I'm in my forty eight year. That's what I like to say. It's like rounding it up. But and so there's a lot of things that have happened in my life before and after, and I'm not sure about the time period, but I would say through are my first five or ten years when I start getting interested in actually helping people. I mean I still I'm interested in helping them, but I start getting interested in helping people and and sponsoring a lot of newcomers everything, and I love their comings out of my sponsoring or anything like that. But it seems, you know, I don't get a lot of people, a lot of new he asked me as a sponsor of that are I get. I get these guys...

...like you know that are thirty years they're crazy but nobody knows they're crazy. So they ask me your my sponsor just died. You know, we use sponsor me or something like that, but they that I so I love when I got interested in sponsoring people and carry the message and things like that. It used to one of the things that I used to do. That almams. You know, dog Wilson said this is actually going to be part of the deal. He said the the real problem with alcoholics is unhealthy dependencies. You know, have to be Christian guys. So we would call it. We would call the same because idolatry, since the ten commandments, anything, everything, we get. We get these things that we were just enamored with that we have to have. You know, and women. Women were big thing when you and I used to go the bars, but they'd have ladies knife and all these guys would be there. So I don't think that was the only one. I think I'm the only guy that is focusing on her. You know, women said somebody to love you and everything like that, and all the sort of stuff. Cars, we're a big deal because with a nice car you can get a woman. Money was a big deal because with a lot of money you got a woman. You know what I mean. And you know and and yeah, I wrap all that thing up. You're throwing a blender and thrown some scotch and you got me. You know what I mean. That's my deal for many years. So it was all about stuff, jobs and stuff and and if you read the Big Book thing in the twelve and twelve, they talked about a money, property and romance and getting rid of that stuff and focus on God and the holy is to focus on even says. It says the great factor is this and nothing less. That if you wanted peace in your life, the great fact is this and nothing less. He says, Make God, the your creators, sent a piece of your life. We're absolutely certain that he sends in our mind, on our body, and see with the relationship with him is riding. Great events will come past you and countless others, and God either isor is and what's your decision going to be? From Your Cote and worlds? So helped us with sober a long time ago, but we hadn't didn't have the power and know. So it's this is chapter. The eighth is it's got to be abandoned. Wrote a book, work, talk about God, run who bass a basic trusting you that you're lying upon God, God, God, God, God, God. You know, Leven steff now you got God. Now I preature conscious to contact with God's home the God deal. You know, I know. You tell them new come out, don't worry about the God thing, don't worry about the God thing, and tell you till we start scoondreaming you God thing, and that's you know, that's as. It's all about that deal. When it comes right down to it, it's unhealthy dependencies, because what the God thing does, but the God thing does is it wife side the dependencies, because you see, I used to be a slave to alcohol. I had a beautiful wife, Beautiful House, beautiful child, but I like to drink and hang out of bars and fantasize about going to bed with other women. And when you're married and your wife's at home and you have a son, a child and beautiful house, but you like to spend up the four o'clock in the morning all the time looking at other women and patting yourself on the back that you're not cheating, but you roll into four o'clock in the morning. It doesn't make for a really good marriage, you know, unless you're married to one of those women that you know will put up with that kind of crap. And that's a whole lot of deal. And so she didn't put up with it and to kick me out of the House. And and when she kicked me out of the House and I left the woman of my dreams because you got in someone married her. The thought in my mind was, if I had this woman, that she was beautiful, Nice, good. I said, if I had this woman, everything would be wonderful. Alcoholic say things like this. If only, if only, you don't see. If I only lived in a walk, if I only had a car, if I only had that, if I only have that job, everything be okay. And so you feel all that stuff together. It's never okay. It's okay for about five minutes. And so that was that Gal and then put that last has a half life. You know. It's like a car, you know, it's the new car. is fantastic for the first whatever month and then forget it. You know, then it's old car, you need another one. So so. So, as she kicked me out of House, and that's I'm leaving everything that should have been important to me, and as as she took me out, I'm thinking to myself, I'm free, because I felt tied down. I couldn't do whatever, I couldn't date other women. I couldn't do it because I was married. Go figure. So I you know, so I I I left my house and my life and my child for the for the reasons that I wanted to date other women. Now, some people might find that, you know, pretty shitty and selfish, but I was pretty shitty selfish guy, you see, which, by the way, is part of the definition of an alcoholic, was selfish and selfsetting. The driven by hundred forms of fear, self delusion, made decisions based on self which put...

...us in position. We heard we got to give rid of this selfishness, and this is God makes that by God makes that possible. God makes it possible not to selfishly think about all the other thing, but only God makes that possible. Going to a little bit about that then. So as I'm behaving the bricks and leaving the house, whatever it is, you know, twenty seven years old or something, I'm thinking myself, this is what I'm thinking. I'm free, I'm free. I felt free, like uncaged because now I can go to the bars and make my move. But the truth is I was never free not to go to the bars. I was never free not to lust after the women. I was never free to have a relationship alongst any relationship with any me, because I was a bondage. I was a bondage to my lust and my desires, which would cause me to hurt a lot of people. But I didn't know that because when I left by when I did that crappy thing to my wife and my son and I left, it was what I want, I thought I wanted to do. You understand and and and, quite frankly, the world, most people hung around, would have understood that, understood that because they like that. And so, since I was doing what I was lusting to do anyway, I thought I was making a decision. I was, I was found my decision. I didn't realize that I was selfish and self centered and that I was driven by a hundred forms of female selfollusion. I realized that I was on automatic pilot, that I wasn't making any decision at all. I was just following my generals out the door. You know what I mean? I was not free. I was were free to fall in love with the woman. I was free to fall lost. I was done free to fall in love with a woman. I was done free to be a good friend. I was never free because I was wrapped up in me, and that's the deal. So in anyway. So, so here's this line. I want to read this. So I'm going to mix this up. This is really going to be a wearing blenda. It's not going to be like ABC and D. You can have to pay attention. Is because I make a lot of hard rights. It says this. It says some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn the truth. But you know, I like them when they say things. Learn the truth is the truth. Is the big book. This will go agree on. So, you know, you know sometimes people are trying to are asking questions. What's the truth? What's the bottom one with it? So there's this as there's the truth. Job or no job, wife or no wife, woman or no woman. We do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon people ahead of dependence upon God. There he is again, there he is again. You Know God, the one that you tell new comers don't worry about. It's the whole thing. That's the whole deal. One sentence. That's the big book about box and that's a problem about bust. One sentence. We don't stop any of this crap. And what when I learned about alcoholism? Because they have to get sober, because this this selfishness and this self centeredness and hurting people. You know, I read alcohol an asshole and do that stuff. I didn't, I really didn't, you know. I mean I heard many people men the same way without the alcohol, before the alcohol. You know, one of the things that happens is after you stop drinking, you don't have the alcohol anymore. So you don't have these use that you know alcohol. You you have the same loss, the same desires, the same thinking, the same whatever is ad when you were twelve years old, same feeling, same for yours and all that sort of stuff. So that's when you learn that alcohol is really a symptom of disease, because you were in an alcoholic not like you have a biochemically action, but you need alcohol in order to live, because living without the alcohol is painful. It's painful living life when you're selfish and you don't have God. It's painful. That's why men and women drink, because I like the effect produced by alcohol. They're restless, your own discontented. There they live lives of five us. But unless they can experience this as a reas and comfort which comes in once by taking a few drinks. None of this stuff I'm saying, I hope conflicts with any it's not my personal opinion, although it's become my personal and it's basically stuff rightman, it's what the big book is talking about. And so what I learned is the alcohol ISM is is sack. What does it say? This cutting bath in the power? It's powerful, it's cutting and baffling and you don't even know you got it and it centers in your mind like the body, and things you do and things you say and things you think that you don't take our alcoholism is actually alcoholism, only you don't see it. And the first step in getting had a childe. You got to know you're a jail in the first place. Somebody give me some examples of that and some other stuff. So it says. It says for the idea of the conscious of every man that he can get well and godness of anyone. The only conditions that to trust in God and Clean House. There Goes Aga. So so...

...one of the things happened there. In the first ten years I was talking about this, always trying to help people's I sort of doing post warders when people didn't drink, or did you? I would sort of say things myself. I think not atoholics do this too, is what can I do to fix somebody? What can I do to fix if you remember sponsor, people will keep on drinking or keep on going out or have problems. You have a tendency to try to figure out what you can do to fix them. You know what you what can you do to fix them? And if you worry and because it's a real mystery problem, it's a real mystery, but we're all trying to solid there must be something I can do to fix them so he doesn't drink. It against the program and it can get really if you really like somebody and you can't and you and you say things like, well, maybe if I get in front of Russell, you know what I mean, if you fix them, that affects them, you know what I mean. Or you'll be at a meeting and we'll be a real good mean you'll say, Oh man, I wish Jo was here. He needs to hear this guy. You know, and you're trying to figure out there must be we're trying to figure out and get control over this disease, because you're trying to lodge the figure out what we'll fix them. You know I mean, you think, well, if I love them and I do whatever I can to help him so he doesn't lose the job, and maybe that'll fix them. I says, well, maybe if my firearm from the job, that'll fix them. And you're trying to figure out every ways. And what happens is, if he get too far into this deal, they put you an Alan on and that's a fake. Worse of the truth is it's a mystery, and it's a mystery because it's a god thing. It's a God thing and God is like mysterious. It's a mystery some people, you know, they just have a bad batch of ice on a Saturday afternoon. Theresa and I'm going to alcoholics. Anonymous. All I was I'm non powers on this crap and some people get shot fifteen times, lose their wife, to go to jail and they still you know, I like the line where it was a line I heard in California, so I stole it. Said I came down Bolls, anonymous woman. Consequences of my drinking came at me faster than my buility to lower my standards, and that's that's sort of like my sponse said to me. Don't rob an alcoholic of his desperation. Every alcoholic has last thing. The truth is you can try to you can try to carry the message. I think probably the best way to do with anybody, and I always try to carry the message and all the lawyer I've got a lot of clients that them at me, tons of like that one right now is and we have to put him a react lost his medicaliznse and you. So I always try to carry the message, because the thing about trying to carry the messages. They may and I jump up and down, tell my God, I'm home, let's go to AA. But the point is they got in their mind and once they're in the mind. You know, you sort of mind screwed them. You know what I mean? Because there the next time they go out and drink. You know, we don't argue with nothing. Book says maybe alcohol. You know, alcohols are a great salesman. We got a salesman out there. He's working seven trying to sell this program to people. That's called booze. I mean, that's the deal. And you know then that's that's our great at sales. But you don't have to bust yourself. So somehow, as much as you want control and want to fix people, the truth is is that we can't fix them. All we do is try to carry the message and then we just got to let God take care of them. They got to figure out how to do it and get to that point where things get so desperate, so desperate, where we finally say to our so say, I need help, I can't stop drinking, my life is shit. You know, I don't. You know, I was thinking about it and I haven't thought about this a long time. I actually could. All you guys probably picked up a white ship right. You know, I see someone picked up white chips and we applaud and everything. I sometimes forget because I'm not in that mindset anymore. What? What? What means to pick what? What? What? What picking up a white chips all about? You know why? Because when you're when you're an alcoholic and like me and you're a big shock and you're smarter than everybody and everybody is full of Shit and it's all bullshit and nobody can how you anything and all you're doing is your mind is saying everybody's everybody me. You're saying things like go fuck yourself. That's your whole life. That's your own mindset. You don't listen to anybody except for you, and nobody knows you like you know you and who the hell you think you're talking about, and you don't know who I am and you know who you deal with. When that's your mindset, to be a person like that, you understand what I'm saying. To get to the point, when you walk in front of a group, I guess a group the strangers, and stand up and pick up a chip and basically say to everybody, I need help. You know, can you? It's hard sometimes to imagine. How do you get somebody who is so full of themselves they won't listen any mind to a point where they stand in front of a group and they walked up and they say I need help. I mean it's like an amazing thing. When it's like amazing,...

...when you think about the white chip, we I think we sort of like take it for granted because we did it, other people didn't. Then nothing all saying that five years tenders fifteen years, and you forget that's like a huge deal. Like when did the Miracle Happen? Like when you picked up your white chip. You don't you know the the deal is. Sometimes I say to myself, and I believe this to be true, that although they say humility is a big deal and they say in least seventh step it's all about humility and more humility, sometimes I feel the humblest I've ever been in my life is the night I picked up on white chick. I believe that. I do not believe a humblest I've ever been in my life when I didn't know nothing except I don't my life was over, it was never gonna be thegether and ever be better again, and I walked up here and I picked up a light chip that I said, I need help, man, I don't want to have to drink again the other I man that was wow. That was something that was a big deal. So in any day, so one day I was, one day I was had had a bad deal. I bad that. You don't have to say the book. Do not be discouraged. Never read that. Do not be discourage. You know. You know why that's in there. Well, if you don't know why it's in there, you haven't been any that long, but just stick around, you and still wa it's in there because there's a reason why they put don't. Do not be discouraged, because if you're an alcohol and you stop drinking, there's going to be come the time when you're going to be discouraged. I don't care whether it's nine years, ten years. I don't care whether somebody gets cancer and died and you have cancer, whether you know the Bank for close on your house or something horrible happens in your life. You're going to have a points in time. They have any points in your time, and you're like where you feel overwhelmed, that you doing everything's supposed to do in a all that sort of stuff, and you it's three o'clock and money and you were just overwhelmed and you think it just life is over and nothing's going to say to you and you win this whole time and it's still shit and you have no idea what's going on. You were just lonely and empty and overwhelmed. There maybe be somebody in here that feels that way tonight. You know, chance sorrow. We have a bunch of about boss, and probably is somebody who's felt that way. And when you feel that way and you have no hope and you open up that big book, maybe you know and the hope to find the answer, maybe you'll you'll come upon that paragraph or where it says do not be discouraged, and then you'll understand why they put that in there, because alcoholics get easily discouraged and when they get disturbed they say things like what the Fuck, you know? That attitude? What the fuck you might as one drinking. What the fuck you know? I mean, it's just just unless you kill myself, what the Hell you know? And so that's why I said so I had. That happened to me when I was about three or four years sober, and that what the fuck deal, you know? And that and I had a sponsor named Bob Sullivan. I've had any sponsors. He was a wonderful, wonderful man. He's passed away. And Bobby had about twenty years. I guess some stories about Bobby and stories on all my sponsors and bobby, who's from Chicago, was sponsored by them and events. Evince had forty five years and back then, and I suppose you could now forty five years as well. I mean you somebody forty five years, I think you feel with John The baptist, or sometimes like the grew and Grews, you know, and and I rarely saw him show them every once in a while. You know, long and with body savor, grow businesses, Russell head and seems a house painter. Yeah, you understand. I'm a lawyer. I graduating the partner on his mathnacks. I was just going from my talking mine. I was going from a PhD and how's Great Topology when I switched, you know, I wasn't a stupid guy and everything like that. Vince was like Aus Painter and not putting that down the stilling. That's just the fact. So I got some point ahead, about three years and for some reason I got to a point though I was I was, I was overwhelmed, you know. I mean life wasn't going well. Who knows? For somebody with three or four years, like not going to well means you have a bad minute. I don't know. was sometimes just have a band our or something. For me, I think I can handle one thing or maybe two things, but if three bad things happened at the same time, there there was. It was like the fuse blue. You know, they have fuses. You know, you got these little time fuses in the car and he got a little bigger fuses in your house. And if you go, if you go to Fpana, you go, if you look up on those capacitors where they are up in the they got these hues uses where it's got me two million votes for it to blow and everything like that. And I think what happens is when you come in here, you got like one of these little thin filament fuses, like somebody once would be funny and say, what the fuck, I can't handle this anymore. You know, and like a shit, you know, and...

...and and you know, after a couple of years it's like a little bit of a bigger Bruse, takes a little bit more and then it gets some point a little bit of a bigger views and then, I don't know, maybe after thirty years, you know, you have me shot ten times, pissed on or something. I don't know what has happened. When, you know, nothing seems to bother. I don't even know what's going but at that this point in time, I had my huse was kind of small, you know. So something probably happened to my life, life's problems and everything like that, and life us was I was blown and I wasn't. I had no power and I was it was all over for me. But I was feeling kind of dejected. So I had heard that Vince. So I needed some special, you know, power. So I heard that BIS, you know, the guy was forty, five years like rand sponsor. I heard that nobody knew what means went to, but I heard there was a rumor that he had at probably the car they had a thousand and thirty meeting and he would show up from after the tensory needed eleven thirty and sit there and smoke cigarettes, you know, and he would be there. So I went to the thirty meeting and affluence, I wait for him and sure enough he comes at. Vince comes in and he's smoke, it said, and he's taken out. You know, the cigarettes that they seuse to smoke back then, which were unfiltered camels or palm all, you know, I mean, or lucky strike or something like that. And and I got my lucky strikes, my palm mom you thought. I thought was I thought that was a secret, by the way, to Smoke Palma and Lucky Strike and me that stuffing. And a bunch of my sponsors had that. They died of embasy. I got was they were great, but I I quit finally after three years. The bottom line is, so there was vincent's chain smoke in these camel cigarettes. When hell, they were in the corner. So I walk up to him and I say, I said this, I said I'm Russell on Bobby spatsee you know, and he looks Miss Oh, yeah, you do, said I said, I'm not really doing well, and I start vomiting on them. You know, about fifteen minutes all my troubles. You know, you're being's happening in my life. You know how it's all over, the things are horrible and like that, and I've been going through this for like maybe a week now, and everything was terrible and waiting for him to lay on to fix me, you know. And now, when I came to Aa, I was handed a book by M and Fox called sermon on the Mount. Now I understand the first five years. I'm try to make this. I'm going to run through this real fast. And the first five years the big, big book was was written in Nineteen thirty nine. He started nineteen thirty five. So when they say really, I've seen prison pail was thoroughly followed our path through. What we do? You we got they were not reading the Big Book, they're reading the Bible. The books they found absolutely you know, you you're talking to own pigy. You just go touch drawing fact, the big state books they found absolutely essential. You know what essential means. There's what you know. We did this, I think last do we do this last week with the central but essentially, you know, like like if I was to say the pack, pack, would you when you make me some scrambled eggs? He said sure, I'm at some Crim legs where you keeps his eye around the egg, but making for me anyway, I would probably say, listen, I can't make your scrimmled eggs without the eggs. That's a sense. They're like essential. So that's essential. So I have no idea what absolutely essential is, but it's even more than that. You understand what I'm saying. So what says that you can do whatever the hell you want to do. You can thoroughly follow it or not, but the bottom line is what they say, and Talcom good on, is the books they've got absolutely essential. Were first with the asserteen sermon on the Mount and the book of James. So I was giving sermon on the Mount back that. So I've read the sermon on Mount and the last that sermon amount is sermon by Jesus. Okay, it's on the mount, like he's on the mountain top or something, or small Mounta, a hill or who knows about? And Anyway, they had a stool. You know, maybe it's like Michael Bloomber. I don't know what the thing is, but the bottom line is is that that. But here's here's the dealing. But at the end of the sermon, it's a pretty cool sermon because both of our steps come out of that certain sermon. You know, at the end of the sermon, this is the line he finishes the sermon and this is what it says in the Bible. It says, and the people were amazed because he spoke with authority, not like the scribes. It was something about what he said or the way he said. It went beyond like mere language, who was just it was like he came down, you know, like it was like it was just just listening, and they were just amazed. So I'm sitting there with Vince and Vince is in this chant smoken and I tell him all this shit and I'm going all out of deal and I'm looking here for relief and he says to me he looks up it. I said, so what do you think? He says, this is what he says. I remember this. This was like thirty five years ago, thirty six years ago. He says to me. He says, he says, listen, let me tell you what the deal is. He says, I understand what you're saying. He says, if you don't drink and you go to meetings, it's all going to work out. And so I...

...say to him, if I don't drink, go to min it's all going to where Hass. Listen, you don't drink and you got to meet it's going to be incredible. It's all going to work out is all gonna go away. I said really? He says absolutely, and I'm like, walked out of there like a fucking air. It's like a three minute conversation. I'm like on air. I didn't even say and I'm a smart guy, got all those fucking because I didn't. I didn't even say what the Fuck you talking about? He didn't say anything with them in saying, you see, no psychiatrist psychiatry would spend an hour with me and I still would have felt over it. You know what I mean. You know, if you if I said this shit I said to one of the guys in the Bar, you know they would have done, because I know what I was done. said, Hey, listen, sit down, let me buy you a drinking. That's what they would have said. I'm promise you. That's what they would have said, because that's what I would have done. So buy you in drink coa. And if I would have gone to a psychiatrist today and told him everything I told that, you know you would have said. He said, I'm gonna give you a script, I want you to take these pills. You understand I'm saying. But I went to Vince and he said you're going to be okay, because he spoke with a thought, because I was amazed, and he spoke with authority. And you see, what we have here is something the psychiatrist can't give you and the dream can't give you. We have the greatest struggle where we have something called Pope, because we have faith. I have faith and Vinced, I faith in my sponsored I have faith in God, although I don't realize I'm really saying that faith and something. What I say I have faith in Vince. I got a paint houses. You know what I mean. I'm saying I have faith in something that I don't understand. It doesn't make any sense, but I decide have faith and when he's telling me, because I have I have hope, because that's what and you know, there's no doctor, there's nobody can give me, but another alcohol can give it in here, and that's what I had. So so I want to run by this real fast. I get two things left on this alcoholic. So so this disease is really kind of Eva ackling, you know, and sort of crazy. And I was I was thinking the other day about how, you know, we all know about drinking and going to jail and what happens to drink. We know a lot about resentments everything, but let me tell you how subtle this disease is. I like to deal with, you know, subtleties and maybe, hopefully, you hear something you have never thought about. Okay, I came down box anonymous. And you know, when you go to a have you guys have been to a meeting where they say the way they talk about as thinkybody ever told you what I mean? Have you ever heard mean that you need to get a sponsor? You know, when I started going to meetings, I think it stolen the case. A lot of people talk about getting a sponsor because it's still sort of like told a newcomers get a sponsor. So they still say the end of meeting, if everybody needs a sponsor, is your and is it? I mean you probably have to be probably deaft on a blind not to realize that part of the deal is you get a sponsor, right. I mean, he had anything, you know. So what happened is so. I wouldn't means they're all saying that stuff. Give a sponsor, get a sponsor, gain sponsor. I haven't got him. Bob Sullivan been sponsored. Bobs Allan my first sponsor and he knew my mother, who was an AA, and he started pounding with me from the very beginnings about to teach. weelve stepping in the hospital. He twelve st in the hospital and then he would pick me up every night after work at thirty and he would take me out to dinner and then after dinner we would go to a meeting and then at the meeting we go to popper next and he cheesecake, whatever it is, and do that sort of stuffing, talk a to like one o'clock more. And that happened every day and he paid. So I like was a believer, you know what I mean, leaver, and now he paid. This was like really, you know, it's not a must have really liked me, you know. And every day he would pick me up and pick me up and pick me up and pick me up and take me for three months to all these meetings, you know. And so one day and I kind of comes up to me and he says to me, is Bob your sponsor? Bob, just sponsor, because they seem all the time of meetings, you're going out to dinner, everything like that. He's picked me up in the car and I said no, because he wasn't. And I said then I said this to I asked this question. Go to my PhD and I was pretty at braid to apology a lawyer. This chief says, I answer this question. Let's say, how do you get a...

...sponsor? Now they maybe people who actually thought that Shit. You know, you might have been done. You said that. I remember asked how do you do that? You know, and the guy said to me, said you have to ask him now. That's the small thing, isn't it? Let me tell you what that's about. That's an insight into how fucked up you are. That's a little insight and how fucking sick this disease is. And I'll fucking sit you are if you want to understand how some of the disease is and how it warps you and how it screws you over and how your whole life is in bondage and how you don't do things that are good for you, even though you know they're good, and how you're always going to do the wrong thing. You just think of that. That's a little that's a little you get. You get have the magnifying lass, a magnification as how fear is to gross or thread and runs your life. And some of that you wouldn't even think of, because you don't have to be a rocket science to know that. The telling me for three months and this guy is with me and he's doing everything with saying, when you ask me Your spons and everything, you're going to be a rocket science scientists when you have the education background to know that. All I have to do is ask him. I'm as talking code like you know. Have you done in force up yet? He is just how I'm working on. Have you done for something I'm working on? You know that's not understand. That's go for leaving the fuck alone. I ain't never going to do it. You know I mean or or why don't you share the meeting tonight? I'm not ready. You can try that. I'm not ready to do it. Is You don't your rock side, though. I ain't fucking do that, meaning because theyre wrong. laughing. I'm scared shitlist. You know what I mean. You've got to be a racket scientist to see the fear that we walk around with. Solder, okay, and so and someone. They say this disease is cuming back in the powerful and if we you weak on it. And it's all through your body and it caused you to make phone calls you shouldn't make and not make phone calls you should make and hang out with people. You mean, I can't tell you. I can't even imagine, looking back, how this disease affected me in my life with the people, and that, whether the people I didn't hang out with, what I did, what I didn't do, and everything like that. Even one one day, somebody tapped me on the shoulder and said you want to go to Bible study? I said under you know, because I didn't even know why I said No. I mean I knew they said the Bible and everything, because I was scared. I was worried. And what do they think about me? An a a, what we got to think about me, if you hear I doing that? What we think about me and I don't what do you? What do you think about me? You know how many people in Alcoholics, and you know what an alcoholic does, what he's at. Offered any chance to do anything, he says, well, this, will this help me? Is this something I'm interested in? And then the third thing he thinks is, well, this affect about who says, well, this affect my life. Will this help me? Is this something I'm understood and could it help me? And then there's the next thing he says is what will people think about me, and if what will people think about? The answer that is the laugh at me. It wipes out the other two. They don't do it because we're scared. Those were cowards. That's part of being an alcoholic. Less, until an alcoholic, unless, until an alcohol excepts is alcoholism and ALDs consequences. Is Sobriety pre cares. That true. Having so fun at all. You can't get out of jail less you know you're a gentil in the first place. You can't get out of fear until you understand your fear in the first place, which is why I'm get involved these ten step things. Write things down, we talk to sponsors, you go to me because because we don't, we are swimming in a sea of dependency on other people in Spear and we don't even know it. Because when you do it it, when you're for thirty years, forty years, fifty years, it doesn't feel like fear. It just feels like you're personality and that's the way you are. That's why, when they say ideas emotions and attitudes that are the driving guiding forces. That's why document said ideas emotions adds that of the guiding course of these men's lives are push to one side and they become dominated by whom instead of ideas, emotions and adge. It's like a new creation in the big book. They say we're reborn, we're new creatures where new, completely different the way we look at things. So I'm going to tell you a little story, intend story. I think the fifty years. Took me fifty years that through this story, you know, fifty freaking years. Let me see what I can do it attend. But it's interesting. It's about the psychic change and and it took me. Well, I'll tell the story. So I when I was like twenty two, twenty three years old and I was enamored with money, power, sex and all stuff, and I think I was a Lord. I'm pretty sure I was, I don't know, twenty four or something like that, and you know. So what happened...

...was I was living next to a gal who was a secretary to one of the biggest like a real big shot lawyer, big shot gun, everybody knowing, you know, kind of guy who picked up a phone speak to the governor, that kind of thing. It's more than the lawyer. Like he was like a big shock and apparently his car broken down and she was she's sick that she's gonna pick up in the car. And you know, my life is all about if I only had that car, if I only had this car, I kind of the and all that sort of stuff. And so I was always spending money. I didn't have the boy should I need to impress people, let and like. So I was always strung up out on dead and everything like that, because if you spend one money and you make it going to death. So I was, you know, this idea of trying to get ahead and have people think they're bigger than you are and every like that was all part of my my stick. So you know, the bottom line is. So she asked me whether I would pick up her boss and driving into work with her, and as yeah, sure, so I when I'm like twenty two years, twenty three, whatever that guy was, I don't even know, twenty five, and I she's in the car and I go and I picked this guy up and gets his house, is very large house and everything like that. pull up and he gets to the car old was holding, probably my age. Now, you know, get some car. I sit in the back. I know this guy's reputation, so I'm trying to make small talk. Small Talk I'm not. I don't even know what to say this guy. So we're driving along and he's just sitting there and I said so, I mean, obviously it's a big shot's gone on money. So I said, so what's wrong with your car? So I said what kind of Cardia? I'm interested to stuff like that. You know in Mars you say things, what's your job? A kind of cardiac, it's like. But he said I have a CATILLAC. I said that makes sense. O that and he said I said, well, what's holding the car? And he said, well, everyone's why I have I taken in the shop. It's thirteen years old. Since in years old serveryone's will take to the shop. So now I am like freaking out because I have no idea what the guys talking about. He might as well have been talking check this fucking Lavakia. You know what I mean? I have no idea what he's talking about. I'm submi trying to be a brand new corbad or something. This guy's got the money. He's got a thirteen year old car. So I didn't I didn't understand. I really didn't understand what he was talking about. So I said to him, why do you drive a thirteen year old car? And this is what he said. He's very interesting. He said I like the car, which I also didn't understand. You know, we were we're definitely on different wave wings. He was obviously in the fourth demension of the existence, you know, and I was only guy and the cart that had a brain. That said knew what he was doing. I was talking on I like the car. Give me a break, we would say, the W gut. Get in my thirteen year old Gari so and having like a happened a long time ago. So at any that, I get narried, if only this. I got the car, I got the thing, I got the catwn get the whole bed, I got the job and all thing. I'm rolling along and I'm doing my deal and I lose a wife, I lose the thing, I go in, I get married again to get the kids and everything like that, so that the whole things go along. Hey A, and you know, five anniversary, tend your anniversary of five and twenty there. You know, go stock on the church and come and take into my church. You know, get involve the Bible study and praying. I'm going to a a and I'm trying to prove my conscious contact with God. You know, I'm doing all the stuff. My sponsor to many of those sponsor, John Lay, and had start eating. Say What are you doing? He says, he says I'm he says we give thanks Beul for we I'm sitting there, I'm praying and a restaurant, looking around, everybody's looking at me and he starts praying from his long Baptist prayer and you know, you know this is now Russell. The food will taste better because it's got that special read. You know I mean. So I'm I'm hanging out with people that are like into the God thing and then talk about God. And you know when you hang out, I'm a true alcoholic. You know I'm I'm I succumb to peer pressure. You know, if I basically hang around serial killers, I've become a serial bill. You know what I mean? If I said I hang around you, guys are talking about getting lady. That's all I think about. If I hang around guys come about any money. All I think about is how much money I have or how much twenty, I don't know. I become who I hang out with. I'm going on the guys with Bible Studies, thinking about God and talk about God and all sort of stuff. I that's what I think about, that's what I talk about, you know, and it does something else. That's all. I'm doing. All stuff over a period of five years, ten years, fifteen years, twenty years, thirty years, thirty years. So responsibly to do all these steps, all the others of the put you twist gotten thing. So I happened to defend somebody, some guy. Is a true story. I can't even believe. This is the true story, the best stories of the true ones. That's why, that's why we speak with authority and not like the scribes to send up made up shit. You know, you don't, can't make this shit up.

So I'm I represent this couple on a big criminal case and I get them off and you know, of course they love me and you know I've got him off. Was a big deal. And and and what happened is so they were going for the twenty five, like when you get remarried again. I don't know what that is. You really your bounds. So renewing their bowls, and so they asked me to come to their man the wedding deal, and they're there. They where in component growth to remove their valves and they said please, dancing to come and I said, okay, I'll do it now. I don't like weddings. I'm not very big on weddings, you know. I help the divorce as I'm not really gone weddings. I'm great at funerals. I love funeral. If you die, have them invite me to your funeral. Not so much the wedding, you know, but but because when I'm a funerals and sort of gives you a better respectable how important life is now, important times it things like that, spiritual self and anyway, so I go to the so I said, okay, I'll go, and I and I. So I get in my car that night and I wasn't filling anybody. I didn't want to go, but you know how alcoholics are. If you're an alcoholic, you're an excuse. So hauling. You know, I'd like to go to the I'd like to go to the funeral, but tonight's tonight. I watched the Canary. You know. I mean my care is not really feeling. My mother died or something, you know, but I'm but I'm sober. So if I tell you I'm going to be somewhere, I'm going to be somewhere. You know what I mean. So I'm going to funeral. I go to funeral and it is torretial rainfall, torrenial rainfall. And in my car, you know, it's an s class Mercedes. You know, because what you know, I'm driving. My Card is this thing in the grow when I'm about ten miles away. My House got ten miles away and and I get to and I'm a cook, I'm a caught feel holing. So I don't know. I took coffee, puts me to sleep and they it's like riddling, you know. So I am right. Before I get to the place that a mile away, I pull on to McDonald's. They got like the best coffee. I pulled to McDonald's, you know, the neath an overhang, and I said give me a large coffee. Gives me the large coffee. I put on my window to get the coffee and and the window won't go up. Still us. So now I'm like now it had stopped raining, but you could tell it was like pouring, but it just stopped and I said and so I'm thinking I'll go home and I'll explain to him that. I mean, it's legitimates use the car broke down, whatever hell it is. And but I'm only all the way and I'm night when I was away from my house. So I figured you did promise them, and so I figure I'll just try to make it there and maybe got part. So I run there and I'm you know, I'm trying to make it there and I finally make it to the place and I get out and the guy's a happy bag and puts it over the window and everything like that. And then I go into the place and I do might think it less than an hour and a half. I drink my soda water. You know, they're so happy to see me. The Hug me and everything like that. I do my thing, you know. So I feel good because I'm doing what's right. You know, that's another thing that happens at an alcoholic end up doing good things and you fall throwing the promises and suddenly feel good, you know. So and then walked out and it's like an a a, you know, extraordinary principle, you know, but the Bomba. And so I walk out and it's still not raining, but it's it's like really bad and Muggy and I get in my car and I start driving to my house and now I'm praying. I pray. Well, the time I presences like really, do I mean? I pray? I'm a praying son of a bitch. I pray before. I'm just praying. Listen, I'm not ready for prime time Christian. Believe me, I you don't want to. Ever, you you know, pretty say anything in church. I'm praying and praying. I'm saying God, help me, Lord, help me, help me not please, don't let a rain. Please, I'll be up through this web. But I'm praying, praying, praying all the way through and and I finally get about a mile away from my house and has a rain. Yet true story, and I say thank you. Then I start doing the thank you. Thank you Jesus, thanks to Jesus. And then all since this fought comes to me. I don't have many of you guys have breath. Ever read the book the Joe Pretty Cool Book, old as the book the Bible. For Company says you know you were thinking the Lord because it has a rain. Would you thank you if it did rain? Would you thank him in the rain? And I say to myself, I ask my sister, I would thank him in the rain. It all said. The starts fucking true. Story can make this shit up. But I'm driving a kid too miles ground. For some reason, I can't explain it. The rain's not hitting me. It's like going past the guards. So I get to that my house, I put a heavy night over, I go inside. Next morning I take the Mercedes. They give me a brand new Mercedes to drive around gold because that's what they do. You know, brand new Mercedes. You know and and and they're going to fix it in two three days to not young spring new Mercedes. And the next night I'm supposed to come up here to do a step series. So I'm in the brand U Mercedes now and I got a sponse...

I can't remember who it was, who's driving up on me in the brand NU Mercedes and we're driving up to Brown county. Maybe even been this group. I can't remember where we're to Brown and COMM beached up here to do a meeting in the brand nw Mercedes and my sponse is going nuts over the car. He's going bat shit over the car. And so he's saying to me, and he knows are having my other car. That's in the shop. It's been fixed, you know. He's saying me, listen, you got it. You gotta get rid of you got to get this car. You gotta get this firsteing car. This car is incredible, this is unbelievable. And I said, says, don't you come again? We look at this is the brass. He says, since your first thirteen years old. This is a car for you can afford it. You know that the car. and Said No, he says, why car? I said, I want my card. Now. Let me tell you something. If you ever seen drive up, you'll see me in a never one hundred and fifty I got. Let me tell how much I look my car. And this is a sickness, is a bondage. My car broke down. It finally broke down. It's like a two thousand and five. What is this? What it's like? Fifteen years old. So I broke down and it needs a new engine. It's sitting in my driveway. I won't have a tone, I won't give it away. I won't sell it. My dream is one day I'll Mercedes said that there was twenty Fivezero. I'll put in a leg and I'll trust me everything. My feeling is one day, one day, I'll be able to put a new engine in that bag, because I really did love the car. But it was a great car. It was a great car. But the bottom line is is that and that. And here's the story, that story. When I went that took fifty years to tell that story. I was like twenty or twenty one years old. I was seventy when. Yeah, I mean it's like that, fifty years to be able to tell that story and I didn't even think about it until after it happened. Then I thought practices. I'll never forget that guy told me. I remember that guy, that Laura, that told me and I couldn't believe it. I told it was crazy. I like I like the car and I didn't understand. And then I start thinking about doc young. He says talking about the spiritual change, ideas, emotions and attitudes that are the guiding force of these our person one side, they become dominant Domina have a wholly said of ideas, emotions and that. Yeah, well, that's what I'm thinking. God bless you. Thank you very much. I.

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