AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 20 · 1 year ago

Russell S - The 50 Year Story @ Life Is Good Group 2020

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Thanks Dawn, okay, you know. Once again we got mygreat grand PONC Ruhel speaking. This is eight week. Also does ten leages andthen Lastta we've had some real, a gladiathe. Last e speaker, we NETERANSNET NA aonce, again he's Wussle tank. You, gentlemen, thank you verymuch. My Name is Osse Pat O' ao es group andit's good otheerand yeah, pats, gointo com, an APO's gonna, do a repair job, so y ness, yup or anything, don't worryabout Paa OTA Oan. So I was I was. I was comding and I'm so the tecon one,I'm just Gong to talk about a I was Yeajus, got to talk obout about diseaseand why it work why this work, something I have to do with? Wi Works.Okay, I know how thit works, wit them Wy Workin. Then I came in here and someody starte talking about the what's that in the rock of in eportdimension thing the this syic change Profon. What is theprofound? What is the Change Te Cycle? The thing we're supposed to have thispos to a an I feel like Jovaba O ye. What's that I feel so. Sorr for the DI, because Igotto say I'm GONGTO BE SOMNY, one like I'm on sixteen, so I ge SOM. Surben guyis like that ghat thing. I know what the deal as I have that thing, you'regoing to say something: You know what it is you for, God get o Whati, Wangoo, profound personality change,ith, some some sort of Psychi can, and so that's e momeote start thinking outthat and then and then then somebody said somet stat whet youdon't youtent to wate your on Septaner. Maybe I she'll say something about that.You know and Somgono try to hit them all. You know so. Anni. If I forget you know, like I talk aboutthe fifty year thing, I can't remember the fifty years n, okay, I'll know whatyou'e talking about. Okay, I got a story that it doesn't take fifty yearsto tell Butn it happened over fifty years. There are, you know, hat a one of the benefits of staing, sofor a while, as you actually develope story, said that actually sometimes youa change happens in Jur ly. Fifty Years Onr, I'm just that's just the way. Itis that comes on to hes thirty, five weesas Whans this gas when you're faft it's gonna Happen Sue time, some Changi SOMhappens, Tik you several years old. You know it's just tat, theyr good stuff,you know and ofully. So you know like of hope. Instead of a life on puterSoim, an try to do all that so stome on Im, Gonto read something and I don'tknow why I had to do with something and I like it. So if I can only find it like, I had it here and then itdisappeared. So an anyment somony, just read this: I'm ging, Opreet Jus one thing and then you gotto excuse me: I'm well some people. I Say I've beenrocketed into the fourth Dhemension I was. I went so fast and so high with the Godthing that I overshot the Fort Dimension and I wone up in the fourthdimension. So a so mae, though you know I'm lookingback on the Dimansion, you know experience much aeven. So so here'swhat it says it said so is on Pignada. You know you know one ofthe things you can do with this I mean when you really get into the crazinessand you sort of looking back on and it you can take any paragraph. Anyone andjust repeated about twenty times and think about you. Don't have toe youknow, so this is cool. I like this. We were talking. I was talking to somepeople about what it takes to get people when I first when I came infom firstfive or ten years and Timin I'm really loose on the timing because Ne Seventy one, I've been sover thirty,nine years, I'm in my forty eightyear, that's what I like to say it's likeround in your not but and so there's a lot of things that have happened in mylife before and after and I'm not sure about the time period, but I would sayduing my first five or ten years when I startd getting interested inactually helping people. I mean I still I'm interested Noet of what I start:Getingto helping people and in sponsoring a lot of newcomers.Everything and I love their comins. Ot Won coce Morrid like that, but seemsyou know. I don't get a lot of people a lot of new PO askme. I A sponsor OmThater. I get I get these guys like you...

...know, tetter thirty years, they'recrazy, but obi knows are crazy, so they ask whe Youe. My spots are just die. You know we usepontany or something like that, but Ani I so my Lov when I got interested insponsoring people, Ond careon te message and things like that. It usedto one of the things th t I used to do that amanoms. You know, Bililson saidhias actually goin be part of the deal. He said. The the real problem withalcohols is unhealthy. dependences, you know have to be a Christian guy, so wewould call it we would call thesentiis idolatry. So the tech commanment eeverything we get and get these things that we're just enamored goup that wehave to have you know and women. Women were big Fini O and I used to go to bars and they hadladies night and all these guys Wul be there. So I don't think I was the onlyone o Thinki'm, the only guy that is focusing on a her. You Know Wain Zack,somebody love you and everything like that and all th sort of stuff cars werea big dealbecause. With a nice car. You got a woman. Money was a big dealbecause with a lot of money, you got a woman, you know what I mean and and y you wrap all that thing up. Youthrowin a blinder and Dhrones on Scotch, and you got me, you know what I mean.That's my dea for many years, so I was all about stuff jobs and stuff, and and if you read the big monthing andthe toln top, they talk about Bou Money, property and Rolance and getting rid ofthat stuff and po o God in the whole Manis Te Pupis on tha, even says itsays the great factos this and nothing less that a lot of piece in your life.The great fact is this and nothing less. He says: Make God the DN piece of yourlife, we're absolutely certain that you censors in a mind on our body and seewit, the relationship. I was wriding grate, Ans, ECOME, pestan com withothers and go I the reserees and what your decision Goin to be. FOM, Yor,putimorls Wa helped us wit Soe a long time ago, but we hadn't didn't have thepower an was awas. This is chapter he eihtis. It's got to be a Vanpi Rod. Bookwork talk about God run. WhoBas is a basial trustin weled. You Want Im on God, God, God, God, God God youknow Levan Stef. Now you got God now preciau conscious, O contact it. Godso!God Deal You N. I know you tell them. I comes out,don't worry, Abouyo God and don't worry about the Godpay until you til, westart scoon Fedin, you, God thing and that's you know Wti sayit's, all aboutthat feel when it comes right down to it, unhealthy dependcies, because whatthe God thing does Wut, the God think does. Is it wifes Ode Dependenceis? Because you see I used to be a slavealcohol? I had beautiful white, beautiful house, beautiful child, but I like to drink and hang out inbars and fantasizes about going to bed with other women and when you're married and your wifesate home, and you have a son, a child and beautiful house, but you like tospend of the four o'clock in the morning allthe time looking Tou ar te women and patting yourself on the back. Hageyou're, not cheating, but you roll in it Mor plackin morning. It doesn't makeit for really good marriage. You know unless your marriag o one of thosewomen that you know wopit up with that kind of crap and that's all won o Deali,and so she did't put up with it an she tiked me out of the House and and whenshe kike on the house- and I left the woman of my dreams because he govinsomeone married her. The thought of my mind was if I had this woman, but shewas beautiful, Nice Boai, Sai, F. I had this woman. Everything would bewonderful, I'lcohol, say things like this, if only if only you, if I onlylived in Miwauk, if I only had a car, if I only had that if I way have thatjob e thing be: okay, Itli there Alli Su Tegetheris, never okay, it's okayfor about five minutes, and so that was that Gow and then, butthat last has a half wife. You know it's like a car. You know it's new caris fantastic for the first whatever month and then forget it. You know,then it's old car, you need ove, so so that somiys she picked me out of theHouse and thats. I'm leaging everything Ta should have been important to me and I actually kick me out. I'mthinking to myself, I'm afraid because I felt tied down. I couldn't do what eI couldn't think of the women. I couldn't do what I as I was married, gofigure, so you Nowso, I left my house and my wife and mychild for thefor the reason Thas I wanted todate other women. Now some people might find that youknow pretty shitty and selfish, but I was pretty Shitty Selftis Guy Se, which,by the way, is part of the definition of an alcoholic with selfish andSubsete Dien by hundred ports of peers...

...of thelusion may defisions, based onself, which put a SEM position e hearder. We got to give her thisselfishme thisis s is: God makes that Po God makes that possible. God makesit possible not to selfishly think about all the other thing, but ohly Godknows that possible, going to a little bit about that thing. So Asi'mbegiating the bricks and leaving the house whatever it is. You know twentyseven years old or something I'm thinking, O myself thisis. What I'mthinking I'm free, I'm free. I felt free like uncaged,because now I can go to the bars and make my move. But the truth is. I wasnever afree not to go to the bars. I was never free not to lost Tafpr thewomen. I was never free to have a relationshipMo sayining relationship with any human man, because I was in bondage. I was a bondage to my luss and my desires, which wouldcause me to hurt a lot of people, but I didn't know that because, when I left on when I did thatcrappy into my wife and my son N, I left it was what I want. I what Iwanted to do, youunerstand a D and and quite frankly, the world, the mostpeople Ono Taround, would have understood that understood that becasIble, like that at a since I was doing what I was lusting to do. Anyway. Ithought I was making a decision. I was I Wus Fon my ow decision. I didn'trealize that I was selfish and selfsetter and that I was driven byHouden forms of feel self volusion. I realized that I was on automatic pilotthat I wasn't making an decision at all. I was just following my genimals out the door. You know what Imean I was not free. I was never freed to fall in love with woman. I was free wo. For most I was definitlythe fall in love with the woman. I was Don pret be good friend. I was neverfree because I was wrapped up in me and that's so in Eightynin, so so here'sthis line o want to gre this. So I'm goingto mix this up. This is really GOINGTO, be a worrin Blan O it's not going to belike Avcand di at te pay attention is to te Sol, make a lot of hard rightsbut Siys Thit Inc. Some of us have taken very hard moths to learn thetruth. Wel. You know I Donan Tey say things learn the truth. Tetruth is theBAEINS Wel. All we are so you know you know. Sometimes people are trying theare asking questions. What's the truth? What's the bottom, I was at Folousis ase's The truth job or no job. Why? For no wife, woman or no woman, we do not stop drinking so long onplace dependence upon people a head of dependence on Don ther years ago. There ears Agan, you know, God, the onethat you told new covers. Don't worry about it, its the whole thin. That'sthe whole Ni one sese tats te tiook about Vok. That's a problem o onesentence: We don't stop an Ndisgrat and what what I learned about AlcoholisI e Wus after you get sold because this this selfishness and Thi selfsetternessand hurting people. You know I dav alcohol, the An ancal O do that stuff.I really didn't you know. I mean I wa many people in the same way without thealcohol for the alcohol. You know one of the things that happend is safter,you stop drinking. You are the Alphodin mors o the excuse that you know alcoholo. You have the same loss, the same desires to say, thining the samewhatever yed when you were twelve years old, same feeling, sensers all thatsort of stuff. So that's when you learne that alcohol is really a symptemof disease because you were an alcoholic, not lik. You have abiotemial reaction, but you need alcohol in order to live because livingwithout the alcohol is painful. It's paiinful, letme Wius when you'reselfish and you don't have a god, at's painful. That's why men! When you drinkus ay like Yo iffect produce by alcohol, they're restless EIRD Mon dus contendedtheir? They live, lives, Appie, Tis and once they can experiences Assamesancoverent, which comes in ones by taking a few drinks. None of this stuff, I'msaying I hope, Conplix with any. It's not my personal opinion, although it'sbecome my heit's basically stuff rean is what the big Bok is talking about,and so what I learn is the alcoholism is, is what does it say this comingback in the power? It's powerful, it's cutting and baffling- and you don'teven know you got it and it centers in your mind on yourbody and things you do and things you say and things you think that you don'tthink our alcoholism is actually alcoholism. Only you know see it andthe first step in getting had chalege. You got now youre in jail in the firstplace. So in give you some exampes of the AC, some other sufsot sait says were the idea on the conscious of everyman that didn't get well godest of anyone, the only conditions, I trust inGod, Ind Clean House there gos in that.

So so what o things happened, or thefirst thing yees IAS talking about this Tho is trying to help people its Ike, I sort O do coseorter Monpeople n Die Drak or di. I would sortof Sayking to myself. I think NOAPOC dothis, too, is what can I do to fix somebody? What Dondo thofic? If you remember sponsor people who keep on Drak and the keep ongoing down or have problems, you have a tenpacity to Tryin to figure out what you can do tofix Om. You know what what you, what can you do? Te fixor and if you worryOAND, because it's a real mistery problems, a real mystery, but we're alltrying to solve in there must be something I can do to to fix IM. So hedoesn't drint it against the program and in can you get really? If youreally like somebody- and you can't and- and you say things like Ha- maybe if Iget in front of Russell- you know what I mean if fe some tat, Afix Som, youknow what I mean where you'll be at a meeting and will be a real Giin, YoulSayman, I wal ton. We need to hear this guy, you know and they're trying tofigure out. Thet must bewe're trying to figure out and get control over thisdisease, because you're trying to logically figure out what will fix hem.You know what I mean you think. Well, if I love them and I do whatever I canto help him, so it doesn't lose the job and maybe that woull fix hem. I was aswell maybe in my Pir fom the job that'll fix homn you're, trying tofigure out everywhereis and what happens is if you get too far into thisdeal. They put you an Elmon and that's a fig worse on the truth. Is it's a mystery? It's amystery because it's a God that it's a God thing and God is like mysterious.It's a mystry, some people. You know you just have a bad back of vice on aSaturday afternoon is at than I'm going round fall Saddam as Wel. I was on howI'MPOWR on this tap and some people get shot fifteen times ose their winecat goto Gao, and they still. You know I like the line where it was a Lon Iheard in California, so I stole in and said I came Dowtbaltson on this womenconsequences of my drinking came at me faster than Lik Bility, O lower mystandards and that's that's sort of. Like my spols said Tha, we don't Broban alcohol com, his desperation, every alhol, guys liftand. The truth is youcan try if you can try to carry pessage, I think probably the best way to dowith anybody. Now I always try to charactrize. I gounomal WAER IVE got alot of clients. Ta Com on B, tons of like notone right Nowis, an we HAVEA,butemen rea lost his betterca license and you. So I always try to Charracmessage because the thing about trying to paren messages they may not jump upand Downtell, my God, I'm home. Let's go AA, but the point is they got intheir mind and one started the mind. You know you sort of mind screw them.You know what I mean. There's o the next time to go out and drink. You know,we don't argue with thesn book says: Maybe Alcohol, you know Alcoholis ArenGreat Asalsmun. We got a silmten out there he's working tenty four seventrying to sell this proam te people, it's called Moose me me the deal andyou know tethat's. That's our greatid sell you no to Bush yourself. Sosomehow, as much as you want to control e want to fix people, the truth is, isthat we can't tink tem all do is try to Harry the message and then we just gotTa Flit, God take care of him. They Gott figure out how to do it and get tothat point where things get so desperate. So desperate where we finally say to ourselve say Ineed help. I can't stop drinking. My life is shit. You know I m, you know Iwas thinking about Tiin. I aen't thought about this a long time. Iactually did it all. You guys probably picked up a white shit right. You know, I see someon Tik up whitechips and we C te Hoat an everything I sometimes forget, because I'm not inthat mindset anymore what it means to make what what in what?What picking up a much it is all about. You know why, because Wike your when you're N, Alcoholin and like me and you're a bit shot and you're smartam ineverybody and everybody is full of Shit and it'sall bullshit and nobody can tell you anything and all you're doing. Is yourmind and saying everybody use everybody e your same things like don't fuckyourself, that's your whole wife! That's yourhown, mind sat you don't listen to enybody, except for you, and nobodyknows you, like you know you N, who knell you think you talk about, and youdon't know what I am you know a we deal with Wat that your mind set to be a person like that. Youunderstand what I'm saying to get to the pont when you walk infront of a group line as a o Te Stranger and stand up and pick up a chit andbasically save everybody. I need help you knoit's hard, sometimes to imagine how do you get somebody who is ofulofthemselves? The at was Eito pot where they stand, I fromt of the group andthey walk up and they say I need help. It was like an amazing thing: Wan, it'slike amazing when you think about...

...thewinship. We I think we sort of likethinking for granting, because we did it nother people id they. You O noPosin, that five years Cene fifteen years and you forget, hat's like a hugedeal like Lik. Did the miracle happen like when you picked up your White Chin?You know you know the the deal is sometimes I say to myself and I believeThi's to be true, that, although they say youmiliny is a big deal and theysay y cantleast, seven stuff, it's ole bout, omility and more humility.Sometimes I feel the humblest I've ever been in my life is the Nigt. I pickedup my witechick. I believe that I'e be not believe theHubblest I've ever been in my life. When I didn't know nothing except Ithon't Kno line was over, it was never going to be beetiand ever be betteragain and I walked UPF here and I picked up a wite shit, but I said Ideed help and I don't want to have to drink ante aimen that was wow. That was something that was a big deal. So then ten so one day I was one day I was ad had a bad deal, a bad e. You knowhow the say book do not mean discouraged e relecting up in this car.You know, you know why that's in there. Well, if you don't know why I saidthere, you havene a that long, but just tick around you, onstay lights in ther,because there's a reason won. Tho Put don't tot up e discouraged because ifyou're an ALCOHOLC and you stop drinking, there's going to be come oftime when you're going to be discouraged, I don't care whether s nine years tenyears, I don't care whether somebody gets answer and dive ar you have cancerwhet. You know the Bank for clothes on your house or something horriblehappens to me like you're, going to have a point in time. Yeey have anypoints in your time in your life, where you feel overwhelmed tat, you doing everything yous supposedto do. I all that sort of stuff- and you was three Olock the morning and youwere just overwelm- you think you just life is over andnothing's going to say you and you w miss one time and it' still shit, andyou have no idea what's going on you ere, just lonely and empty andoverwhelmed that, maybe be somebody in here that feels that way. Tonight youknow chance area much bout. A Er probably is somebody who felt that wayand when you feel that ban and you have no home and you open up that Lig Wok-maybe you know in the hopes of Fon the answer. Maybe you'll come upon thatpargrefor, where it says, do not be discurrged and then you'll understand why they putthat in there, because alcoholics a easily discourged and when they ging tostart so say things like what the fuck. You know that a to what the fuck migtasEll Dre, what e Bot you know it's just just noe, fill myself Wat, the ell youknow, and so that's why that's so I had that happend to when I was about three or four yearsselv and that what the Fuck del you know and that you know I I had a sponsor in BobSollivan ive had many sponsors Hewas, a wonderful, wonderful man, he's passedaway bobby had about twenty years. I guessso stories about Bobby and I've stories on all my sponsors and Bobby whoas fromChicago was sponsored by them invince and then is had forty five years andback then, and I suppose I cet now forty five years as well, I mean h someofthethe forty five years. If think you'R dealing with John the Baptist orsomething mea like the girr on girs, you know and n I rarely saw him showever once in a while. You know on Wio fiesses is Russell. Haen seems e housePinter Yeah, you understand, I'm a lawer. I graduatly fin my Waes MathMatx. I just go from my Ain Mind B S Goine from Ph and a' diractobology.When I just switched- and I wasn't a stupid guy and everything like that andvice was like. I was PN and not putting that down. Istlike, that's just thefact. So I got to Poin I had about three years and for some reason I gotto a point of I was I was I was overwhelmed. You know I mean lifewasn't going well, who knows for somebody with three or four years life.Not GOINGTO. Well means you have a bad minute. I dont now sometimes just havea bad hour or something yeah. For me, I think I can handle one thing or maybe twothings but af three bad things happened at the same time. It was it was like hefused blue. You know they have tuces n w. You have these little Ti funses inyour car. You Got Ie bigger veuses in your house and if you don't, if you goto Ayou know if you go, if you look up on those capacis where they are up inthe an they got, these Uge uses where it's got, the two million votes for itto blow and everything like that, and I think what happens is when you come inhere. You got like one of these little thin, fillament fuses, like somebodywants to Yo funny and say what Ot Fuck I can't handle this anymore. You knowlike a shit, you know, and then you...

...know after a couple of years is like alittle bit of a bigger ves Texa little bit more and then e gets Om bu a littlebit of I bier Vews, and then I don't know. Maybe after thirty years you knowyou have e shot ten times and you know pissed on or suff. I don't know whathas happen. Ayo Now, nothing seems to boter. I don't even know what, but atthis point in time I had myfuses got a small. You know, so something probablyhappened in my life lihest problems and everything like that and and like heswas, I was blown and I wasn't. I had no power, I know- and I was it was all forme, but I was feeling kind of Ejectev, so I had heard that thince. So I neededsome special. You know power, so I heard that in you know the guy wisewood fun news like brand ponsor. I heard that nobody knew what Natis wentto, but I heard there was a rumor that he had at Crolle te Carmn Hay had a tenthirtyeen and he would show up from after theTentoro even eleven thirty and sit there and smoke cigarettes. You knowand you would be there, so I went to ten thirty me in anpoince I wai for meand sure enough it comes at then this comes in and he smokeins and he'sTakeng out. You know the cigarettes that they sea to smoke by then, whichwere unfiltered camels or Palman. You know a lucky strike or something likethat and and- and I got my lucky strikes my pommom a thought. Hou was, Ithought that was a sigwer Oway to smoke. Momo lucky Scrikin e, that STU and abunch of my sponses had that they died of EPHOSIA got m. It wer great Bhen. I quit funllyafter three Yearsbo wine is so there was Vincein is chain smokein thesecanel cigarettes Oiunhel they were in the corner. So I woke up to him and Isay I said Thens. I said I'm rusfl, I'm bottom pos. You know-and you looks Ms Alwa Yeahnu- Know Bot fifte minutes on my troubls. Youknowevens happening in my life. You know I it's all ver things are horrible,an like that and I've een gong to this. For, like maybe a week now, evon wasTerrabon, is waiting Frin the way on to fixh it you know, and now, when I came to Aa, I washanded a book by Emmat Fox Holl somewhere on the mail. I ca understandthe first five years, I'm trying to make this I'm going to run through thisreal fast. In the first five years, the big big book was was writn thousandnine hundred and thirty nine eihy are and nine hundred and thirty five. Sowhen they say really hive seen pison pills thoroughly fromall our path towhat we do, you get we got and we're not reading the Big Book Te Reading theBible, the both stay sound. Absolutely, you know you're in Dogo in you justdont tolk on fact the big state books they found absolutely essential. Youknow Wer esential, there's what you know: Witin thesectic lass. Do we dothis less Wek with the session, but essentially is you know like like? If Iwas to say the PAT PAC? Would you would you make me somescramming head? I A sure, I'm in some C lets. wher youkeep Isi ionte ed, but making formy anyway ha wouldprobably say. Listen. I can't make your scrimm egs without the eggs. That's TAsense theyre like Assension, so that's the sention. So I have no idea whatabsolutely Essentialis, but it's even more than than YEA s. So what says you'R CN do whatever awant an you canthoroughly follow it or not, but Bo is whet. They say I t theyve got absolutesent were first cinbein thirteen cermonon e Moud an the book o Jam, so Iwas Giveng sever on the Moun backter, so I read somof now and the Wayaensorinmatis a servon Bu Jesus. Okay, it's on the Mountif he's on the MountinOFOR SOMT ore, small mounter Hel, who knows Fu and een. They have a school.You know. Maybe it's like Michael. I don't know, but the thing is, but thebottom. I Isis that but heres here's. The deal but at theend of dicern it's a pretty cool Sarvon, because most of our steps come out ofthat scertain Servin. You know at the end of the Servon. This is the line, hefinishes the Servon, and this is what I says in the Bible. It says, and thepeople were amazed because he spoke with aauthority not like the scribes. It was something about what he said on the wayhe said it it. It went beyon like mere Lang. She was Siing just it was like Icame down, you know like it was like it was just just listening. They were justamaze, so I'm sitting there with Tis and businessis thers chain, Mokand Mitell Hem all the shit I'm going on Del and I'm looking Ho for relief and hesays to me he looks UPTIN. I says it Soen. What doyou think? He says this is what he says. I remember this. This was like thirtyand five years ago, thirty sixis ago, he says to me he says he says. Listen, let me tell you whatthe deal is. He says. I understand what thou're saying I says: If you don'tdrink...

...and you go to Meis, it's all Gan, and so I say to him: If ion truth, Dorn' rea, Tal, no Woransays, listen, you don't drink and you goto mee. It's going to do a credibl.It's all gonna work out, Ecaus, all gonna GOI AE like walked out of therelike a fucking Air Athree Mir conversation I'm like on Ar, I didn't even say, and I'm a smark Eygot all those fun with MES. I idn, I didn't even say what the fuck youtalking about you didnt say anything with him. IAYOU see no psychiatrist, psychischoisbout, an hour ou and I still would have felt overit. You know what I mean. Youknow. If I sed the Shit I said to one of the guys to the bar. You know theywould have done because I know what Iwas said: e listen sit own. Let me buyyou drink, that's what they would e. I'm promise it that's what they wouldhave said, because that's what I would s boos rnokay and if I would have goneto a psychiatrist today and told thim everything I told that Seoa said Housaid: Im Gona, give me a scrip. I want you to take these pills. Youunderstond WHA, I'm saying, but I went to ven and he said you're going to be okay because hespoke with a Thar, because I was amazed. Ndhe spoke with a Thar and you see whatwe had here, its something a psychio. Just can't give you and the drink can'give you we have the greatest drugin when we have something called hope, because we have fath. I ha faithinvince like faith on my sponsor I thin in Dod, although I don't realize I'mnoticing that faith and something whn wet. I say: Ihave Faith, Eis, goincountes, you know what I mean, I'm saying im thinking something that Idon't understand. It doesn't make any sense, but I deside Hav favorite. Whenhes tell I because I have. I have fote because that's what you know, there'sno dctors. Nobody can give me Er. Another alcohol can give it yer andthat's what I had so so I want to run by this real fast. I gettwo things O ev on wit outmoe. So so this disease is really cutting tobactling. You know and sort of crazy- and I was I was thinking the other dayabout you know we all know about drinking andgoing to jail. What happens on the TRIK? We know a lot about resentmenteverything, but let me tell you how subtletis diseasis I want to deal with.You know subtleties, and maybe hopefully you hear something you havenever thought about. Okay, I came down POPs anonymous and you knowwhen you go to a have, you guys haven't been to makeing whet. They say the waythey talk about. As Ano ever told you what I mean. Have you ever heard ofmoon that you need to get o Sponsorin. You know when I start going to meetingSi think it Stol ecase a lot of people talk about getting this ponnsor Asit'sAsot of like hold e New Tomers, get asponsoble O, they still say the othermeaning. If everybody needs to sponsor is Rihg Eren is I mean you probablyhave be probably dept don the blind not to realize that part of the deal is ina sponse right. I meanihet anthing, you know. So what happened is so I wouldmean theere all saying that stuff gives Ponso good esponsorin spot. So Ihaven't got ten Bob Solvan, then sponsor Bob Sal e, my first ponsor and he knew my mother, who was an AA and hestarted pouin with me from the Bor beginning, Imat O te Twelve Sevenmin inthe hospital he twelve Stepin in the hospital, and then he would pick me onevery night after work at five thirty, and he would take me out to dinner and then after dinner we would go to ameeting and then at the meeting we go to compernix and e Cheesecape, whateverit is, and do that sort of something talking until like one o'clock in themorning and that happend Everry Day and he paid so I like was a believin. Youknow what I a Leve, you know he paid. This was likereal. You know a must have really like me, you know, and every gay we pick meup and pick me up. Pick me up and pick me up and take me for three months: All these leadings, you know, and so one day, guy kind of comes up to me and he says to me his Bob Jus sponsored Jus, bons Uhey seem all time te Medianswere going to Gever Everybn, like Thas picking me up in the car, and I said no because he wasn't, and I said then I said this tol. I askthis question: Gof my Ph and Ilber et brave Tocology, a lawyer Division STesay O. I guess in this question.

Let's say how do you gin to sponsor ther? Maybe people t your action foutthat Shit? You know you might have e done, Yo Som, I eow. Do you do that?You know, and the Guy said to me said you have to ask him now: That's tha small thing: Isn't it?Let me tell you what thats about that's an insight and how fucked up youare Ninside, how fucking sick, isdisesisand I'll fucking sait you are. If you want to understand how some oftisseases and how it warps you and how it screws you over and have your wholelife is a vondage and how you don't do things that are good for you, eventhough you know they're good and how you're always going to do the wrongthing. You just think of that. That's a little! That's a little! Youget you GI, hat the magnafyng Gla O magiplication, as how fear is the roserthread and run your life, and some of that you wouldn't even Leno, becauseyou're actually rocket science to know. They've been Tel me for three monthsand this guyis with me and he's do whing. Everything was saying when youask me Your sponms, watever and you're going to be a rocket science, so iistwhen you have the agucation background to know that all I have to do is Aski Noi Al Tolp, an tod like you know, haveyou lone befor suf, yet hi's a town woring o Av, you ten fors Omou, anworking on you, no like yeah, that's not to understand! That's! Go for LEAVME THE FUCKOF Woll! I never going to do it. You know I mean or for uncho Har The mening tonight,I'm not ready EAHTE, I'm not Ra todoyouont Hav, O ro Thoug. I ain'tfuck. Do that being ecause Ronganlam, I'm scared! Gias! You know I mean youhave to be rapit sines, to see the fear that we walk around with SOM, okay andso and so n. They sad this disease is cumning back in epowerful Ande week you reco in and it's allthrough your body and it cause you to make phone calls. You should make andnot make phoneballs. You should make and hang out with people Yousi have. Ican't tell you, I can't even imagine looking back how this disease affectedme in H, m Onlife, but the people I knw hat with the people. I didn't hang outwith an what I did and what I didn't do and every like that evenon one daysomething tappd me on the shoulder and said you want to go to a bottle study.I said I'm gon open this. I didn't even know why I said Yo. No, I mean I knewthey spaid the Bible. I don't think it was. I was scared. I was worried. Whatdo they think about being AA? What we got Tut tink about Iyo, her rit doingthis, what we think about Mein C on what do you? What wil, you think aboutt? You know how many people in alcohol ayou know what an alcohol does whet. He said offered any chance to doeverything he says. Well, this will this help me? Is this something I'minterested in and then the third thing he thinks is well this effect my hol says: will thisaffect my life or this help me? Is this something I'm understood? Could it helpme and then there's the ex in says is what will people think about me and if what people think about the ansof that is the laugh, an it wipes out the OPENTO, they don't do it because we're scared,ose were cowards. Part of Meoo, less I told alcoholitwasuntil an alcohol es is alcoholism. Ols consequences is the PRI e preparedto Havpi, so funmenal you can't get out of jail less. You know you're deal inthe first place. You can't get out of fear until you understand Youre you'rein the first place, which is why you CET invot these ten step, thingswrigtins down. We talk to sponsors, Yo go to thin because pes yeu know we areswimming in a sea of dependency on other people in spere and we don't evenknow it ecause when you doit it when you're for thirty years, forty yearsfifty years, it doesn't feel like fear. It just feels like your persondallian.That's the way. You are that's why, when they say ideas,emotions and attitudes that ave te driving guiding forcees. That's mytalking o sad ideas, emotional addes, that Athe Gidin force of these men'slives arepush the one side they become cominate y home set of ideas, emotionshad it's like a literation in the big book they say: Weer Born we new,cratures, Wen Youl, be completely different. The way we Wewe look at pes, I'm gonna take a little story: Omotanfifty yeartook Lik fifty years on trough this story. You know fiftyfreaking years, mebutit eesting, it's about the SYCHEC change and- andit took me well I'l tell e Torim, not doin. So I when I was like twenty two twentythree years old and I was enounted with money, power sets and Alla stuff, and I think I was a Laryer. I'm pretty sureI was. I don't know twenty four...

...something like that and you know so what happened was I was living next to a gal who was asecretary to one of the biggest like a really big shot, warder, but you so aeverybody. Knowon, O kind of Guy Pick up fun speak to the governor. That kindof thing it's on a worr like he was like a Pigsho and apparently his carbroken down and she was she's. Hesecttat she's Gonno pick up in thecar, and you know my life it's all about. If I only had that car, Ifinally had this car why kin have teannall that sort of stuff, and so Iwas always spending money oat and have thevishoul. I need to impress people Ian like, so I was always strung on out on dead and everything like that,because if you spend Mone Mone in you'r making on to death, so I was you knowthis idea of trying to get ahead and have people think you're bigger thanyou are and evn like. That was all part of my my stick, so you know the bottomI hiself she asked me whether I would pick up her boss and drivhing into workwith her and I Sai Yeah Surei'm like twenty two years, twenty three.Whatever that guy was, I don't even know, twety five and I she's n the carand I go nd. I pick this guy op and he gets to his house a very large houseand everyone. The poll OP and O gets to the CAR Ohn. Probably my age yeah, you know get somevarses of that hothse guys reputation. So I'm trying to make small talk. SmallTolk n know what the Sam this guy, so we trie aon and he's just sitting there,and I said so. I mean, obviously I s a pig shots got mo money, so I said so what's wrong. With Your Car Soi said what kind of card you injetedin stuff, like that, you know in bar she say things what your job, what kindof Cardia Sisuhe I have a catalag, I seseot, and he said I said w what'shome wit the car and he said. Well, I once Whil I have I taken on the shop.It's thirteen years old satsinjus all is everyone's wiletaet to the shop. Sonow I am like freaking out, because I have no idea what the guys talkingbouthe might as well have been talking check is fucking. Lo Bocky, you knowwhat I mean. I have oe what Hes Sonder, that o'mesteye trying to bed brandewPordan or something this guy's got. The money he's got a thirteen year old car.So I didn't, I didn't understand it. I really didn't understand what he wastalkingt. So I said to I: Why do you drive a thirteen year oldcar? And this is what you said becasis veryinteresting. He said I like the car, which I also didn', understand. YEA, weare we're, definitely on different way wings. He was obviously in the fourthdimention of existence. You know- and I was only guy in the pot that had aBranin, I sedn o what he was thought I was talking O. I like the car, give mea breake e say: Look at Getin, my thirteen year old, Garihave, HathappnaLong Timeso IA that I I get married. If onlythiss I get the cal get te, then Iget the Catwa and get the whole bit. I get the job and the whole thing I'mrolling along and I'm doing my deal and I lose a life. I lose the thing I goaway and I get married to beoble to give the kids and everything like that,someone that the whole thing so along Kaaathink, you know five AnniversategorAnniversit fifehued and twenty Thir. You know: Go stuck on Te Church Com, aTikit of my church, Geti on by to studyin an praying andgoing to Aa I'm trying to puse my conscious contact with God. You knowI'm doing all thes stuff, my sponsor tol. Many of those wants o Jon a youknow. Startingan say what are you doing? He says he says I mean he says we givethanks fefor me, I'm sitting there and praying in te WRECHOPOM lookg aroundeverybody's looking at Mi and he starts praying. I hus long BAPK is prayer. Youknow you know his is now Russel. The food will taste better because it's Taas special anreiate. You know I mean Soi, I'm hanging out with people thatare like into the God thing and the talk about God and you know when youhang out, I'm a TRU alcoholic. You know I'm I s sucome to per pressure. Youknow if I basically hang around cerial to as like become serea. You know whatI mean. I I round guys wo talkg about getting lay. That's all I think aboutfying round Goy ton about geting money. All I think about is s how much money Ihave Ou huner twenty! I don't Gow! I didn tell e Whoi, Hang Owit, I'm GOINTAknow the guys with Vibu Studies, tinking Bot Lot and talk about God, awants so stuff. That's what I think about that's what I talked about it.You know, and it does something else- that's I I'm doing al stuff over periodof five years. Ten Years, fifteen years, twenty years, thirty years thirty year, sosponsibly o all theseTEPs, all Thos otheruff that put Twi Hi Goan Sawe. I haven't AV debeen somebody.Some guy is a true story. I can't believe hitthe Trut story, the best stories of the truelons.That's why that's? why E T speak with Ethargan inlike the scribes does a Noti of Shit? You know you don't can make the shit up...

...so I'm I remeber sa this couple, an abig Primon case and I get them off and you know of course I lovely- and youknow I gotwaas a big dealand. What happened is so they were going for thetwenty fifth like when you get remarried again. I don't know what thatis the Rinin, your back, so we know win they're Ben Housing, so they aske me tocome to their mat of the wedding deal and there tethey wea bin Copic rotem to move theihouse. And this please ask me TeComan. I said: Okay I'll do it now. I don't like weddings, I'm not very bigon weddings. You know I hamle DIHORCES, I'm Nov real young weddings, I'mgreater funerals. I love you. If you die, have them invite me to Oyou not so much the way you know, but butecause te when I got Pos so gives yo a better respect. Aou. How imporant lifeis how important tim is, like you, spiritual, SOM and Aso. I I go to the so I said o o go and I and I so I get in my car that night and Iwasn't feeling good anyway. I didn't want to go, but then you know howalcoholics are if you're an altcohol you're an excuse, a hall. You know Ilike go to I' like to go to the funeral, but TII SAI at I watchd the Canary YoaOw, I mean Mai, my mother died or something, but I ambut I'm sober. So if I tell you I' Gong ta be somewhere, I'm going to besomethine, you know Watday, so I'm going to Foro Mi go to Peurol. Panit istorential rainfall, torential rainful in in my car. You know it's an NesclassMercees, you know because, but you know, I'm driving my my car does this thingon the grom and I'm about ten molrs away my house about ten miles away aand I get to and I'm a cok I'm a coffy Holan. So I don't know I to Cockepetsmit osleep and AI. It's like Ridtin, you know so I and right before I get tothe place that I'm on away, I cume into McDonalds S. tey got like the bestcoffee, a point o McDonalds. You know Tene an overhangand, I said. Yo Me, alarge gote gives me large coffee. I put that Owindow toget the coffee and and the window won't go OP. So now I now it it Stoppe raing Li inyou could tell it was like pornt, but it just stopped and I said ohand. SoI'm thinking I'll go home. NNI'll explaining to himthat I mean is legitly coose to car bropdown whatever Hel. It is N, but I'm only long away and I'm line hen. I wasway from my house, so I fink you did promis Om in so I figure I'll just tryto make it there and maybe I part of II. So I run there and I'm you know I'mtrying to make it there and I finally make it to the place D I get out andthe guys happy bad. He puts it over the window and everything like that andthen I go in in place and I do my dink plis about an hour and a half I drink,my soda water, a you, know, there're, so happy to se you, the HEU and evn,like that. Gon Do my thing. You know, so I feel good because I'm deing what'sright, you know, that's anothe thing that happens. It then alcohol end updoing good things and you foll, toing. The promises and Suden feel good. Youknow Itso and then walk out and tits like a AA. You know it Storti principle.You know but e Boti SA onk cat and it's still not raining, but it's it's likereally bad and Muggy, and I get in my car and I start driving to my house andnow I'm praying on my pray all the time. My PREICIS, I really do I mean I pray,I'm a praying. Sout Bitch. I pray before I'm just praying Wasan, I'm notready for frime time, Chrisan Brevi and you don't want. I ever EAV, you knowprey, say anthing in charge. I I'm praying and pray and I'm saying Godhelp me warn help me help me not please don't let a ren but he's ollen up whohis weater Goin, I'm braying breaning praying all the way through and- and Ifinally get about a mile away from my house and has Aradan Tu Story and I sai thank an then I tuckot, the Tanca e Backa, Esu a and then all ofsude. This pot comes to me. Idon't have even guys have r ever reae look a Jo pretty cool, but alwas Abo, Ofo com says you know you were thinking the word because it has 't rea woul, you tinkingwith a did Rin. We you thank him in the rain and I say to myself, as my says, Iwould beg him. I, the rain and all I e starts Fuckin Ebut, I'm driving like Tinty love Rounn.For some reason, I can't explain it the rains not hitting me it's likegoing past the car. So I get tot my house, I put tme head Ne Overi. I gonside nest. Moring I take to Mercedes. They give me a brand ew, more sayingthe drop Av, Lo eces thats, what they' doe you know, Brandon were saying youknow, and and Thenpinon Ha toe a o, not young,Sren, emersags and the next time I'm...

...supposed to come up here to do a stepseries. So I'm in the brand numer say hes. Now,when I got a sponsoing, I can't remember who it was: Who's draing up onthe in the Brainon me Sai and were drivitg up the Brod County. Maybe evenbeen this group. I can remember where, where to brow, Hon rofs up here to do ameeting in the Bradi Mersaes and Y sponsy is going nut in the car he'sgoing. Bat Shit over the car and so saying to me Andy knows- are having my other carn,that's in the shop it's being fixed, you know he saying: listen, you got you gottoget Ri. You got to get this car you gotta get to ickin part. This car isCRADOF. This is unbelievable and saids. Don't this he sayssinc persteto years old. This is a car for you, youn aforddyo,OA, the Ar and IAOI is WATC. I Ali said I like my car. Now. Let me tell you something: If youever s drive out you'll se me an everone fity. I got how much I love mycar. This is a sickness. This is a bondage. My car broke down. It finallybroke down. It's like two thousand and five. What is this? It's like fifteenyears old, so I broke down and it neads a ne at it's sitting in my driway. I won't havea tone. I won't give it away. I Want T, sell it. My dream was one day Merceesaid Ie, twenty five ousand, I put them. I trustind everyting my feeling thisone day, one day I'll be ablet. Putto do intiin that thing, because I reallydidn't wove the far, but it was great part. It was a great car, fit the botto,this ixactand that and here's Ha story that story whan. I ti at that took fifty years util that still Iwas like twenty or twenty one years old. I was seven. You know I mean it's likea fifty years to be able to tell that story and idn't even think about it.Until after it happened, then I thought tasis ill. Never forget that. I told me I remember that guy, that's wor. Thattold me and I couldn't believe a that toneit was crazy. I, like I, like theCARAND I didn't understand, and then I started thinking about talking Youn. Hea talking about the Spiritan change, iposons, an attitudes that of theGuidingforceon theseare pushing one side. Then ye come Donan. Dominan have a whole new e ideas.Omuono Thatyeah, twhat, 'm tgod bless. You Think.

In-Stream Audio Search

NEW

Search across all episodes within this podcast

Episodes (82)