AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 3 months ago

Russell S. Talk 1 at the Solutions Group 10/06/2021

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. Talk 1 at the Solutions Group, West Dixie Club, Miami, FL 10/06/2021  

Zoom. Quite a few people onZoom. So I got some money for the pot whatever. So listen,I'm an alcoholic. I haven't found us at every dream since January twenty five, one thousand nine hundred and eighty and eighty one. I've been rocketed,rocketed into the fourth dementia, about the fourth dimension. Pot at the mansion. You know, I own like I'm in my forty feet year. I'msure you know how when you were a kid is a hell. Do yousay I'm like six and a half. Then I'll have kids say, youknow, to make them sense. I'm fifteen and I'm fifteen and three quarters. You know, so I'm I'm forty and three quarters. All right.So, so what I say in all my spot you're allowed to say this. I want to let you know this. You're let's say this. I could. I'm a certified old all time, when you're official, for I am. So you can say, like, like how much time you have learned. I think about but a hundred and twelve. You're like a poorexample for this. You're really it's not your fault. Congratulate how much timeyou have. Fourteen. So you could say. You could say, andthis would be the truth. I'm just telling you. You do whatever youwant to do and if somebody questions you said, you could say I'm inmy fifteenth year. That would be the truth. You understand what I'm saying. So that's the story. So they've already put pressure on me. Theyseem to talk about the first step. Who knows? I've been doing stepsfor, you know, last thirty five years and I'm not sure I dothem anymore. I think I do. I'M gonna explain all this. Iknow it's a lot of the sounds odd. Like you got guy would almost fortyone years, doesn't do this thing. You know, you know when youfirst do the steps, you know they're sort of like there's so intuitivelyopposite of what you do as a human being. I mean, look,let me just say this. I'm going to back all this up. Alcoholicsare fucking insane. Okay, let me just just study the crazy. Ifyou don't realize how fucking crazy you are, you just haven't been sober long enough, that's all. You just hang around for a few more months andwhen you're three or four months sober, you wake up three o'clock the morningyou got a million fucking people on your mind and the question is with yourdrink or commits suicide and you don't know what the Hell is wrong with you. You know, because you don't give a shit what people think about you. But all you do is just thinking about people, what they're thinking aboutyou, and you can't get everything. You can start in you know,you know what has nothing to do with Scotch, because you haven't had adrink or a drug and three months you're just fucking crazy and you call upyour sponsor and say, I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm notsure I'm an alcohol I think I'm just crazy, and he says, doyou listen? You can be both. You understand what I'm saying. Soif you're an alcoholic, the alcohol is not the problem. Trust me,the alcohol is not the problem. If you're any this two rules for cominginto first role. You have to drink together. It really is a rule. You know. You can try to circumvent that and you really should drinkand all we get. You know, it's true. Why are they laughing? Oh by the way, this is sheldon and it's both support human,my emotional support human. He has a you know, he's helped set meup with the doom thing and everything like that. So you know what happenedis with the zoom things. So you underd I do a lot. Todo about five zoom meets. I just loved. I love because I canhave from people all over the world and I love them. You know,I'm for a year I've been doing this. So this is that's like my groupis on I remember the South Dixie Group, but we have a saddixie group, Zoom Group and and so I have all these people that sponsoredI love and they're like in mainland China or something. You know, andyou know I just know him very well. I used to do the steps.I've done the steps at this room ten, fifteen times, I don'tknow. I think two years ago was last time. Good steps in thisroom right, and I love this room. We would be packed. We havea lot of people and we have a lot of fun in this roomand everything like that. And also in Boka. We're going to start oneup in Boca. So I've been doing...

...it for a long time. Butwhat happens is when you first get into an what happens is and you startand your sparks. You get a sponsor, hopefully, and you start he stay, start telling you stupid shit. You know, that's what sponsors arehere to tell you stuff that doesn't make any sense. Like, you know, no, don't go to the bar with you big book, you know, and drink ginger Ale, you know. Or they tell you things that youdon't want to do. They don't see why you should have to dothem. And I have to meet it again. I just went to onetwo weeks ago, you know, and I haven't had a drink in tendays. I think I'm cured. And they start trying to tell you todo stuff. What happens? When they started on this road to the steps, first step, seven, that fourth step, when you start doing them, they're like completely different, that all the steps are so different than theway you actually live your life that you know you're doing that. You knowyou're doing the steps. When somebody says do a fourth steps are you knowyou're doing the fourth step. When they say get on your knees and saythe third step, praying, turn your life over to God, you knowyou're doing the third step. When they start saying at the beginning, tomean we say the serenity prayer. Did we do the straight prayer? Thismean? Okay, Severah, you know you're praying. You never praying thefucking bar, you know. You know, I say the Lord's prayer, thatyou never pray on the bar, you know. And well, sometimesyou pay God, please send that blond over here, you know what Imean, or something like that. You know, sure, you're laughing,you don't know what it's like, but the bottom line is is that whenyou start doing this day, when you so you you start doing stuff thatyou've never done before. Even think of Dan which, quite frankly, inyour mind initially you don't think like what is saying the string craving do withdrinking? We're saying Lord's for event of the drink. What's going to means? Have anything dress and it doesn't seem to connect. You know, itseems like you're being like I said to my spon, said I don't youlike brainwashing me, and he says, well, maybe your brain needs washing. You know, because all these sponsors have been around for while. Togo to sponsor school and you know, I graduate departmental. One was inmathematics. I was going for my PhD and outbreak topology. I decided tolaw school. I was the visit chief of the state's Attorney's office, prosecutor, I mean a natural science foundation fellow. When I finally got in here atthirty one years of age, I was supposed to be sponsored by AlbertEinstein and Jesus Christ or something like that, to give me a used car salesmanfrom Chicago to new graduate the sixth grade. But what happens is,by the time I got in here, I had like to neurons working andthen waving goodbye to each other. So, I mean I was a god villain. So I didn't know the difference. So here's this guy, but fifteen, sixteen years, never even graduated like high school, you know,and he's telling me how to do shit and I'm listening to him. I'mlistening to this guy and, you know, he's telling me do this, praythis, say this, and I what happened was I was beating downso hard. I had one thing going for me, and not everybody hasthis going for him. I was willing to do anything not to drink.I was willing to do anything not to drink. Apparently, whatever the firststep is, I know that has to do with circumstances. I was willingto do anything. Drinking was I couldn't imagine drinking again. I knew,I knew. You know, a lot of people say, well, youcould always come back. I knew I was coming back. I absolutely knewthat if I started drinking I would not make it back. You know whatI mean? I knew I wasn't going to be the guy to make itback. Okay, I was scared of drinking. And the reason why thatwas a great thing is when they start telling you to do stupid shit andyou start getting understanding that you know and it clicks in your mind that notdoing this stuff, you might drink, you end up doing the stupid shit. You may not like it, but you end up doing it. Andand so what happens is you do all this stuff, when you say theprayers and you do all the stuff and you read the book and everything likethat, but you know it's completely differ. You know you're doing the sense.You said, Oh man, I think I just did a third step. Oh, I think I'll I think I did a fourth. So Idid an inventory stuff. Oh, some guy says, you know the directionsto the West six club. Yeah, go around the corner and sitting rightover the down and he says thank you. Oh Man, I think that's likea twelve step. I think I just did a twelve step. Youknow, as I just twelve step,...

I did eleven stuff. I did. You know, you're doing the steps. So what happens as you do thatlike, you do that like the first year, and you do itthe second year and you do all this shit the third year. And whathappens is, as you're going along, you have a sponsor and your sponsorhas has friends and mentors, and not only got the sponsor, you gotthat the uncle and the cousin and the grandfather and everything like that, andthey're all giving your directions and you're asking all sorts of stuff, and that'show you do where. And you start to keep on doing these weird thingsand after the first year or two they're all weird and stupid and then youstart doing them all sort of like, not so much automatically, but youknow you're supposed to do you and you know, you know that stuff happensto you feel like a chimne, yeah, that and you know, the firstten years you just doing steps and doing things and you know what you're doingand you're saying you're doing. you run around that. After that ten,twelve, thirteen years, you you don't really. It's not really it becomessort of like a way of life. You know, you don't go tomeans because you have to go to meets. Just go to means because you justyou go to means like you went to the bar. Go to meansbecause that's where you go, that's where all your friends are. That's whatyou need to do in order that you feel better going to means than goinganywhere else. Somehow, you go to a meet, know feel so good. You leave me and you feel better. You go to your sponsor. Youdon't feel so good, you leave the sponsor. There's some people inthe group or in the room that you need. You don't you every timeyou're with them you feel safe. If you you start doing these things automaticallywithout thinking about them, because it's like become a way of life. Feelthe alcohol one of the things. It says the book. It says alcohol. It talks about alcoholism and alcoholics and it says it's a manner of it'sit's a manner of living, and alcoholics manner ofly they can't separate the truthfrom the false. They think they're alcoholic life seems the only normal one.It's totally normal for me to look at somebody who wants to tell me,you know, I think you might be drinking too much or you might wantto watch drink, and it's totally normal for me to say, why don'tyou go fuck yourself? I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Ithink it's totally normal for me to walk around saying I don't believe all thisfucking Shit's happened me. I'm Hav an allowsy fucking year. It's totally normalfor me to think all the time I can't believe, why does this shitalways happen to me? I mean, feeling sorry for myself, complaining istotally that's my life. It's totally normal for me to sit a bar withanother guy and talk shit about you behind your back and then listen to himtalk shit. You know, that is my life. The life was alcoholhas talk and bad shit about other people on their back, thinking bad thoughtsabout people in their mind, thinking bad thoughts about themselves. To me,this is in sick this is an insane this is a way of life.I'm miserable, but I don't know I'm miserable. It's totally normal for meto say I don't give a shit what they think about the then go fuckthemselves. I don't give a shit what they think about me, and thenobvious and then spend the next and then not even understand that. The reasonI'm saying that is all I do is think about people and how they're thinkingabout me and what they're thinking about me and worrying about I think it's peoplethat really don't give a shit about what other people think about them. Don'tsit around telling themselves and other people that they don't give a shit what otherpeople think about it. You know, only assholes do that, only losersdo that. You know and you know something. You know what helps thatScotch, because I have one part of my mind that says I'm the greatestson of a bitch in the world, nobody quite understands how wonderful and brilliantI am, and there's another part of my mind says I'm piece of shitout to kill myself. And when you got those two things working, setsome some sort of crazy FRIS shit. I can't explain it, but that'sme. You can stop drinking, but you can't stop thinking. And ifI go to a bar and I take a couple of shots, I don'tneed to get drunk, just take a couple of shots. I'll tell youwhat, even before the boose hits my lips, I'm already feeling better.Those two things are coming together. I feel like I'm okay now, I'min charge. Now I walk in the Bar, I think I'm worried aboutwhat they'll accept me, even though I'll give a shit what they think aboutme. I'm worried about what they'll sec they with a laugh and they becauseif you're alcohol to your please don't reject me, a haulic, please loveme. A haulic. You know what are you looking at me? Funnyfucking you, you a haulic. You know it's your your every a haulicin the world. You live a miserable fucking life. But here's the key. You don't realize you're miserable because you...

...don't talk or think any different thanthe gods you hang out with. You understand and the truth is. You'venever since since you are fucking sperm, since you were five years old,you've never thought differently or being an emotional basket case like you are at twentyone. You've never been any different. You never thought any different than this. You never been any different than this. Your whole life is a life offeeling sorry for yourself, blaming other people, being pissed off, beingangry, being feeling like shit if you don't get your way, being madat people. That's your life and you don't know you're miserable because you don'tknow there's even another way of doing it. You don't even know there's another wayof living your life. Somebody says to you why you're so. Manysays, well, you be mad to of it happened to you, becauseyou believe that if it happened to him, you can't comprehend to somebody not beingman the same thing. You can coppy ended. There are people onthe place, the earth, you know well. You know these church people. You know that Shit can happen them. They'll feel okay, but they're fuckingcrazy, you know. And because people that don't think like you,you think they're crazy and you walk into alcoholics, anonymous thinking, you havea drink, and so it happens. Is I'm I drink because no woman, no car, no matter of money, no job, know the suit ofclothes, know nothing work quite as well and quite as fast as justa few dreams. And if it worked for me now, it's seventy,two years of age, the way work when I was nineteen years old,I'd still be drinking it. And the thing about my life is alcohol stoppedworking for me and so I don't drink it. And the sadness about mylife is a stop working through that tenders for I even realized it stopped workingand I heard a lot of people, and trust me, I don't needalcohol to be an asshole. Most of the people I heard in my lifeI was cold stone sober. Most of the decisions of selfishnessions I made inmy life, and I'm going to talk a little bit bout them later on, I was cold stone solber. I don't mean alcohol to be selfish andself centered and do selfish things and things selfish things about people. And Idon't even know there's another way of life because by time I got here Iwas Hare tragged. This is the way I am, and alcoholics like seemsthe only normal one. They're restless, they're irritable, the discontent wants toget accepts. France sense of ease and comfortable comes in once I take afew drinks, drinks and say see others take of impunity, and so Ifinally get to the point where you drink too much, the wheels fall off. Bad things happened, bad shit happens, and finally, really not even voluntarily, with the gun to my head, on my knees, I crawl inday a if I'm lucky. Sometimes it coming before that happens. Andall of a sudden they start. And then we read and we come daylooking for help with our disease, and then we meet these crazy fucking assholescalled sponsors, and they are the ones that say stupid shit. You know, they say stupid Shit, you know, like one of my mentors, JohnWayne. Some of you guys are young, but who here it doesn'tremember John Wayne? Oh my God, this is an old timers. SoJohn Wayne, one of my one of my one of the great thinkers ofall time, is famous. His famous advice. Life is tough and ifyou're stupid, it's even tougher. It's even tougher, and I'Ma tell youthem. I was the smartest stupidest guy you've ever met in your life.Most of the Times I fucked up and said stupid stuff, did self destructivestuff, I did based upon my own advice to me. Yes, andthat he you know, yeah, quit that job, yeah, the Moors, that lady. Yeah, you know, do this, Dude. I meanI would follow my own advice, because WHO's smarter than me? Andthose better than me than me. You know what I mean. So Imean, I do that and my best thinking of my best day got mein here. And I am convinced that people just don't understand, because anotherit says, unless until an alcoholic accepts his alcoholism and all its consequences,it's sobriety to be precarious into Tor happeness,...

...so fund at all. And oneof the consequences about being an alcohol which has nothing to do with booze, is this idea that we're different and we're unique and nobody's like us.Then we come to alcoholics anonymous, and we listen to people and say,holy fucking Shit, that guys tell my story. He's like, in mybrain and the only reason a works is because we're all fucking twins. We'relike twins in here, you know, otherwise it were working. be saying, I don't understand the word that guy was saying. This is a whatpeople come up to me. I I'll speaking to the conventional be people.Come on, black, white, fat, skinny man woman us that. You'retalking about me. Actually, you're talking about me. Oh Yeah,you're talking about amazing. No, actually, I was talking about me. Youknow what I mean. But that's the way we are. You knowwe are. We are exactly. We have this alcoholic personality. We maydo look differently, but the circumstances differently, but it's all the same bullshit.And the alcohol, like it says in the big book, is reallya symptom of it's just a symptom. It's just the thing we use tonot feel like a piece of shit because deep down inside, like carmonager said, up all some minum when we move about, destroy themselves because deep,deep, deep down inside, we basically think we're unworthy and we shouldn't beon the planet, we should blow our fucking brains out, and that Idon't give a shit. How great you think you are and how great youwant to tell me you are and what a great singer active you know deepdown inside, you know your piece of Shit, and all you're doing istrying to make sure nobody finds out what a piece of shit, pally belongingpiece of crap you are, which is why, by the way, ifyou ever wondering why sometimes you're laving, went up in the shower and allof a sudden you hear this voice and says you're a fucking loser. Youor to kill yourself, and you went to you look around the shower tosee who the fuck's talking to you about, and there ain't nobody there. Thatever happened to you where? You're driving along well, mind your ownbusiness. All said, you're fucking losier to the self, you're never gonnabe okay, and you look around there's like nobody there but you. Thatis because, let me tell you what that is. Yeah, that's yourreputation with you from you. That's what you really think about yourself. Now, if you drink enough or your horror around enough, or you watch TVor you go on the cell phone, you, if you distract yourself enoughof the worldly shit that fucking voice may not come through, but towards theend of the drink, and even the drinking can't stop, that voice isin matter of fact, he gets even worse. And here's the real problem. The real problem is then you find out that alcohol is our problem,because alcohol was the thing that worked the best. But then you find outthat women work too, and sex work too, and that money and carswork too. And you found out everything in this fucking World War II andyou find out you're a fucking world of haul at worldly clamors. You knowand you know, and then you start spending money. You don't have tobuy shit. You don't even need to impress people you don't even like,because somehow when you buy something to you do something, you change something,you're like an if only or yes butter. You wake up, everyone's that ifonly I had a new girlfriend, if only I had a new wife, if I only had that redhead, if I only had a car,if I only had a job, if I only had more money, andyou're run around looking to get that stuff and justissed off that you don't getit. And then you finally get it and you're okay for like a nanosecond. And then it's a new Gal, it's a new car. It's atall cars, the new car and everything like that. It's run around andnothing works. And what's really bad is then, once you get it,you got to keep been and then if you don't keep it, if theycome and get the car because you can't pay for it, because you what. So I saw each other stuff. They make you feel like you're fuckingman. Then you said around worried about what happens if they take my car, then anybody's no, I'm going to take they took my car, thenI'm going to be callous, I'm be homeless, I'm doing this and they'reall going to normal, photy piece of shit. I might as well tellmyself what's the fucking you? You know what I mean. And it goesaround and around, and this is without the drinking. This is now withoutthe drinking. This is just living on the planet. It's tough if you'rean alcoholic. It's just living on the freaking planet earth. And you're sayingwhat's wrong? And so he goes some doctor and he says, he says, well, chew on these things.

I don't. I should chew onthis shit. You know what I mean. I make you feel better, helpyou out. And when a doctor says chew on this Shit, bunchof pop one of these things, what he's really trying to say is this. Let me explain something with that. When the doctor gives you a pill, it says chew on this, what he's really trying to say is listen. I've been through a lot of school, I'm very wise man. I gotthe promise, but the truth is I have no idea what the fuckis wrong with you. But if you chew on this stuff, you knowwhat I mean, it ain't going to fish you, but maybe you'll keepyou fucking quiet so I can work with some who has real problems. Youknow what I mean. And you'd be very careful when the experts start tellingyou that you're you, you have what's called Valium deficiency, or is anex deficiency. And if you just chew on this shit and it's just anotherthe form of something to I don't care whether it's I don't care whether it'sI don't care whether it's Xanax or whatever the hell they're pushing these days.Or to make you wonderful, they have an event to the hold, toget kill, to give you integrity, yeah, to make you a decenthuman being or a decent father yet, or a decent hub husband or somebodywho's loyal. They haven't invented that pillion. So I don't know what the hellthey're pushing on you, but the bottom line is as so then youdo these steps over and over again, to hard times, do good times, do bad times, do whatever. You do them against you do.Well, you're doing what you will. And then you do them and you'redo them and you did. It's like wax on, wax off, laxon, wax what. You do these things and then before you know,you're doing it so much and you're hanging around people. You find these people. I mean you know there's a lot of people in the but ultimately youlearned to this. Ain't well, people's in office. There's actually a lotof crazy fucking people in here. As a matter of fact, it's aprecondition to come here. I told my sponsor. He said, why don'tyou help the handster and Lord's care? Well, I don't believe in God. I don't want to be hypocrities. Stick too late. You mean hypocrite, somebody who says something and doesn't other things as yeah, you already bustedthat before you got to alcoholism. You know what I mean. So thebottom line is you got you start learning in here for the first ten yearsyou're sober. You're sober, you start learning what the disease really is.It's something that lives in your heart. It's not the drinking, which issus, the symptom. We got a lot of symptoms and consequences. TheReal Disease Center's in your mind, not your body. It's not the thedrinking. The real disease has centers in your mind and the best word forit is you're insane, and I know you're insane and ain't knows you're insane. You need to understand you're insane and the day you really comprehend how fuckingsick you are, which may take about ten years, because the first stepof getting out of jail is knowing you're in jail in the first place.The first step in knowing that you have an alcohol problem is having an alcoholproblem, knowing you have an alcohol problem. The first step knowing that you havea sex problem, romance problem and you gentman problem and agaprint is tounderstand. You have that to understand. You're crazy and you're as powerless overthat stuff as you are over the alcohol, maybe more, because it takes longerand the first ten years you spend time battling that Shit. You knowwhat I mean? You may get the initial a isn't a great the windstop blowing, I'm not drinking and everything like that, but I'll tell yousomething. You stay so for ten years, you're gonna have some interesting experiences.At three o'clock in the morning that's going to find out a little bitabout this disease. My first wife told me what my first wife told mewhen I came home drunk for the Tenzero time at three o'clock in the morning. I love that alcoholics to come in here and say, well, Iwant to balance in my life. Here, I have a wife, a littlechild, my wife is I would I'm go to bar at four o'clock. They have going to come on the three o'clock in the morning, threefour o'clock in the morning. It was like nothing for me to spend twelvehours in a far when the wagon can at all come in. One dayshe comes up with me, beautiful wife, Nice down says I just want youto know she wasn't starting five, to come on dropping more time.I'm leaving you, and she said it like she was delivering the fucking mail. You know she wasn't start up. I should. I just want youknow sick of it. Married five years,...

...come drunk with time, leaving youthat night, I drive my car three blocks down the street. I'mas sober as I am right now physically. I'm away to state Stern's office putsome murder in jail or something like that, and I stopped the lightand I say my I say this twelve words. If you come home drunkone more time, I am leaving you. Twelve words, non fatten you.You come on drunk with Tom Leaving me. I stopped the card thelight and I say this. What the fuck did she mean by that?You mean by that, because one of the consequences of alcoholism is when youhear something or somebody tells you something you don't like, you fucking confuses you. So when the judge says, you know I mean I mean judges saysomething, parents say something. You said. What the fuck is that? Idon't I don't understand. I don't get it. I don't understand now, even sending a time for the first two years and Ay is, Idon't understand. I don't, I don't. What the fuck you talking about?You know. I mean, you just don't get it, and that'sa form of insanity. It says alcohol, selfishness, stelf center is driven byhundred forms of fierce off delusee. sulfolusion. With delusion, we stepin tones of others. They utaliate seemingly without provocation. We've learned where.We've made decisions the past based up on self, which put us of theposition to be heard. So I asked my sponsor was what exactly does that? Many says, well, it means Russ is. Actually, you don'tdo a shit about anybody except yourself. I said, I like the waythey say in the big book better, but that's the truth. You don'tgive a shit about anybody so yourself. All you do is think about yourself. How's this going to affect me? That's all you give a shit about, you know. And all you think about is how people are wrong.You're all doings of others. Really going to Magine? You got a lotof Maginary shit going on. It's like the two psychiatrist and puts themselves inthe hall. Everyone says allow. The other one says, what the fuckyou mean by that? You know what I mean. It's it's like yougot all sorts of conspiracies going on in Why didn't he pay attention to me? Why didn't say a low back? You don't realize his father just thought. You have no idea. You don't care because you're a you're in ayou're you're sitting there in bumping a bumper traffic. There's tenzero s cars.Ay, I fuck, is this always happening to me? Like you're theonly one there, you know, and that's the whole world revolves around you. I told my sponsor why. I says, how you're doing? Isthat I'm doing gratis. Oh, you must be getting your own way.What the fuck is that? You know? An hour later I wasn't gain myown way and I felt like Shit. I mean, how do you saveyourself from world where you have no control whatsoever? I'm like an antgoing on log, going down a river. I could position myself a millimeter here. Are there to get maybe less wet? That's what I do.Every once while goes around the curve and the merit rear in the river.I think I'm steering the log. You know, I'm not listen. Idon't even know what I'll be alive an hour from now. I'm driving alongrun it. It's not all nine percent of the stuff. When I firstcame in I'm getting jammed because of my own decisions. But after I'm cominghere, as I make decent decisions, I'm still getting jammed because nine percentof the shit that happens on a planet this pandemic. I mean, whocan forget? You know, I did steps here. You know BC,you know before covid you know, you know, but before the apocap butbefore the apocalypse. Now we're the apocalypse. You know, and I mean whocould? You can't control shit. You got no control. You know, how you be happy, Joyce and FRAE, how you be rocking thefourth dimension of existence? I go up to my sponsor. I say tomy sponsor, I'm steamed. Of course, I'm sober. Three years and someguy just bounced the bother of dollar check and because he bounced the checkon the I bounced chem and I help this guy out, you know whatI mean, and I am fucking thinking about him. I'm telling everybody Iknow about this asshole, about I'm thinking about him, what I'm going todo to him, blah, blah, blah, dairy, and my mindis completely clouded with this asshole. About the five would the dollar check.I had no control over that. Ye know that he did that. SoI'm telling everybody who listen to me about...

...the five dollar check. You knowthat'll happen to you. It'll happen, maybe differently or something like that.And so I tell my sponsored about he says, yeah, I understand.As says, I know you've been talking about that at everybody says yeah,the guys, and he says so, let me tell you, let meask you something. How would you feel if it didn't bothery? And Ilook at them and I said, I understand the question. What's the question? He says, how would you feel for then? Body? I saidwhat? I don't, I don't understand the question. How would you feelthat didn't body with simple question, I said, would me? How wouldI feel like the guy bounced five of all check on me and SAI,yeah, but how would you feel? Within body. How how would Ifeel if it bother me? And he that's the five hundred fucking dollar checkon me. He said, yeah, how would you feel it then botheryou? I said, how would I feel if, if it didn't botherme, that he bounced the five dollar checking me said Yeah, how wouldyou feel that didn't bother you, that he bounced the Popley do'll check onyou. I said, well, if it didn't bother me, I feelfine. He said, there you go and he walks away. What's whatthe fuck is that? And I run into people in AA and they're dyingof terminal cancer and they feel fine. And I run into other people whereyou know they just had a bad five minutes at a hangnail. All theywant to do a fuck about for an hour and a fucking meeting. Iwant Whooo, who do you want to be like? And then I gotthe second step, and it says came to believe that a paragrain ourselves couldrestorees to sanity. Sounds pretty good and I don't even understand what it means. And somewhere about twenty or thirty years down the road I realize, waita second, you can't be restored to sanity, unless you're an actually insane, because people who are saying don't have to be restored to Saturday. Sowhat they made must be saying this. I'm fucking nuts and left left tomy own, my own brain, if I stay in here. And thenyou start seeing people at ten years and twenty years and thirty years and sixmonths and nine months and fight team months drinking again. People are going thesame injured, going through reading the same shit you're reading, doing the samestuff you're doing, and after ten years they're drinking. Now. I understandthis craving shit. I understand the Jaywalker Shit. I said, once Ihave one I can't be you know, I inderstand that because I lazed tatlechips. I go through a bag. It's like I'm believa. But thebottom line is, as why would a person that goes to these meetings andhere's everything, you here and maybe is even taking the first step? Idon't know. People say, well, he obviously has to take the firststep. Don't tell me that some fucking guy has been that sober for tenyears asn't taken the first step. Well, maybe, maybe what the real problemis is he never really dealt with his alcoholism. He just joined thenot drinking club. You know, we got really two groups in here.We have a not drinking club where all they do is say just put theplug in the drug, don't drink and just go to meetings, you know, and they think they're okay. They don't have to do anything more.The Bible stuff. I'm not going this shit, you know, join thetredonomically, do this shit, pray, fuck that Shit. I don't evenknow what our believe in God, all this God stuff and all the stubuses. Don't drink, go to means for the plug in the Jug.And you got to not drinking club. It's Great Little Club. You cansay sober on that, pretend twenty, thirty years. You can even tellyourself you're doing okay because they give up chips, battalion, the class foryou think you're doing fine. And after ten years you drink and the reasonyou you don't drink cuse your craving alcohol. Your drink to get off the fuckingrock as you feel like a piece of shit and a loser and you'rerestless. Eibal it because you never doubt with something called alcoholism, because I'lltell you what the truth is. You're in the not drink club and you'venever been rocking in the fourth dimension of existent of existence. You don't havewhat. You're not emotionally sober, you're just physically so and you get awadywith that shit in here for a long time, but eventually catches up toyou. And maybe you're lucky. You...

...don't know. You're just twenty yearssober and you're miserable. You're just miserable. You go through your fourth divorce.You're going to find one, one other guy and one other Gal,you know, capture one of the guy got. This one's going to beokay, or you know, whatever it is, you're just going to justpound this thing into the pavement to try to fix things in because you're aniphone or and a yes butter, if I had this, if I hadthat, and you can grab all that stuff and you're going to try onemore time to see what the money will cure. Or sexo cured or awoman curative, pornal cured, or whatever it is, and nothing seems tofucking word. Once in a while, if you're lucky, you run intoone of these Eskimos and alcoholics, anonymous that seems to be talking about somethingthat makes sense to you, but you have no idea how to fucking doit. So you follow that guy around. You know you do that thing.So you do these things over and over and over again. He's likelittle to you. Know, like well, it's like any it's like anything.If your tennis pro, all you do is you start off playing againstpeople, then you play against better people than better people, and the hiddenball in the ball, you didn't ball you in the ball. After ten, twenty three years, it becomes like going to math. You're turning yourlife, one life, over to God. You turn over to God. Havea thing that's bothering it's been bothering your four weeks. It's been botheringyou fo days. All you could do is think about it. The money, the woman, the car, the man, whatever the hell you cantalk thinking about. Finally, at the end of the rope, when it'skilling you, you know you talk about is it? Somebody says put itin a God, boss or turn it over to God, and you andyou do it. However, you do it, you pretty guy, sayGod, please don't let me think about this anymore. She's driving me crazy. You take it over, whatever happens happens, and somebody says you nextday, what happened that thing with Leslie John, whatever it is? Hesays, I turned it over. I'm not even thinking about anymore. Whatever'sgoing to happen. They're going to leave, theyre going to come, whatever isgoing to happen is going to happen. I have no control over and it'sgone. And only took you two or three weeks to do that.Then next time it comes out, it takes you. You know, it'stwo or three years later. You sort of remember what you did. yourun around all the plane and then what happens is you is you do it. You finally, after two or three or four an Asian, you turnover to God, feel better. You go on to the next and threeor four years later, you know, something else happens. The arrestaurant Yoletta. What's going to happen? I'm as well kill myself and I'm going togo to jail. To come and after me and Blah Blah Blah and sayI don't know, I'm turn over to God, I'll get a lawyer,I'll do something like that. Whatever it's gonna happens. Gonna Happen. Igot no over control of it. It takes you about twenty four hours.You turn over and group. Then about twenty one years or something like that, something happens and you're upset about for that an hour or so. Youknow what I mean. Let's say, what the fuck, I'm not gonnabe a do anything. I'm going to turn over to God whatever God wantsit. That's the deal. And maybe you get some advice or responsor andyou follows advice and then you let it rest, go to a meeting andyou don't even even talk about you know, because it's not a big you know. It's you turned it over. And then you got about thirty yearssobriety and something happens and and something happens and you see something happen. Yousaid about Kay and and you it's like a minute labe. You turn itover all over this on turnover, and then you have forty years sobriety andthen something happens. Did something big happens and and you don't notice it.You don't noticing because you're not upsetable. There's just something happening and no bigdeal because you live it. It turned over line and somebody asks you,do you do the steps? I say, you know, I don't really dothe steps. I love this house, I live the things. I don'tresend people, I don't get pissed, I don't get angry. I mean, I'm saying it's perfect. You know what I mean. You knowyou don't get angry, you don't hang on to anger, you don't gothrough all the fucking bullshit. You got to go through the turnover and todo this and you do that. You...

...know I because you changed. You'vegone through that psychic change that they talked about in the book. They saidideas, emotions and attitudes and the driving force of these men's lives are pushto one side and they become dominated by only set of ideas, emotions andattitudes. And they said and Rolland said that. The doctor young told me, said it's a God thing. It's a psychic change to reborn. Youstart realizing the promises in your life, lose fear people and that cannot bein security. You got a means. Instead of people say we did meansaid, well, I'm not ready, which is code from scared. Youjust ask you to do something. You just do it. You don't necessarilyhave to prepare for meetings. You just go to means. You just beyourself and talk about your experience, straight it up, and you say whateveryou're going to say and you don't worry about if they don't like you.They like you, they can tell about God and giving your life to Jesus. It don't matter if they get busitor not, because your self esteem andwho you are and what you are just depend upon whether the guy in thefront row or see some guy that's not paying your deesel build things about you. He walks out the room because your life is no longer a life.That's where you you where you think of yourself, dependent upon one you thinkother people think about you. You don't even worry about what other people arethinking about you. Clearly are worring about what other people think about and thenyou can be yourself, which is pretty good, because I'm better at beingmyself than anybody else and I used to live life being other people, beingthe person you wanted me to be, I thought you wanted me to be, and you get mad at me I try to stop. So wait asecond, look about you understand, I'm not like that. You don't saidwhat I know. I know you think you know me, but I wasjust trying to do this that. You know. I was just trying toyou know I'm really like this, you know, trying to figure out whothe fucking really are. And some guy comes up and says, if youdon't know who you are or what you are while you're on the planet,the time you reach thirty years old, you're going to be fucking Goofy,gonna be one crazy person. I had no idea what my personal purpose forlife was. I thought it was the nail women or get cars or getmoney or shit like that. And I was once sorry, son of abitch. And so I'm sevent two years of very selfsappointing to my own contributions. Got A Grandki, well, seven grandkids, eighth ones on its way, and four kids and raise them and and this is my life, tryingto like Billi wasn't said the Lord has been so wontful to meet curing meof this terrible disease. I've got to keep carrying this message and telling otherpeople about this deal. And so when I say I don't do the steps, I just live my life and I talked about my experiences, strength andhope and what's going on myself, and I'm going to tell you something.What I'm going to tell you somethings about my life and my experience. Justremember this. One a man and with experience to me to man with money, man with experience will walk away with the money. The man with themoney, we'll walk with an experience. I can tell you this. WhateverI tell you about my life, any story in my life, anything thathas to do in my life, because all our stories, which disclosed ingenerally what we used to be like, what all our stories have embedded intothem all the steps and our victory over alcohol and over alcoholism. If Itell you a story of my life, I can tell you within that storyis all about steps one through twelve, all the values we talked about inhere, and it's about alcoholism and the disease of alcoholism as about victory overthat disease. I have no other stories in that. You know why?Because I'm an alcoholic. So any story that's ever happened my fucking life,from having cancer twice or having money problems or any like, any story Itell you, I promise you it'll be about alcoholism. It'll be about notdrinking and victory over drinking, victory overheating, Victory Oversaw Penny, victory over feelsorry for yourself. You understand I'm saying? And you're all have todo with every fucking step and you're gonna have to figure out what fucking stepthat was. And for some guy in the back over there is got twentyyears, he's going to say that's the fucking Ted stuff. Another guys isthat's the fucking first step. And you know what, whatever you get outof this thing is going to have nothing to do with what I say.It's going to happen. You have to do with what's going on inside ofyou. And if you decide that you,...

...and this is you're an alcoholic andyou say this guy's full of Shit, then you won't get anything out it. You'll be fine. That would be okay too, and you cando it. A lot of what I hear a lot of people do.You can come up to me eight years down. So I used to hateme. Now I love you, because you was saying Shit and I didn'twant to hear you know, I didn't like what you were saying, butjust remember whenever you're whenever you're upset, no matter what the cause is somethingwrong with you. So if I upset you, that's a good thing.As a matter of fact. Of Twenty five percent of people will leave theroom or passed off a little bit about what I said or at LURD byit for the way I say. I feel like I'm a failure. Ihaven't said anything because I'm not here and I say to make you feel good. By my best teachers and a were people when I left room I saidI hate that fucking guy. Promise he left the room. When he's goingfine, then bother him at all. is driving me crazy, and myproblems is an alcoholic. I got to figure out why he's driving me crazyand then figure it out and look at it and then try to forgive himbecause it was driving me because I'm the one who's going to drink. Andthat's the deal. So what was that about? The first step is that. It was that about palace that's over alcohol. Is that about palaces ofour alcoholism? You're gonna make the choice between alcohol. You'RE gonna have totake the choice between God and the money in your life. You will haveto make choice between God, and then you'll have to make a choice betweenGod and Romance. You'll have to make a choice from God and get inlate. You're got to make choice being God and a lot of things.You know. You have to make those choices all the way and whether youstay sober, and we're kind of man or woman you're going to be isthe home with choice. You it and it's good. Depend upon who youhang out with and what books you read and what books you read to dependupon the people you hang out and that's going to be the bottom line.And you may not understand that now, but I can tell you since sixmonths or a year or ten years from now, you understand it. Andif you drank five years from now, it's not because you're gonna be ableto say somebody will. Nobody explain this to me. I was never tall. It's going to be because you never really were willing to come to thetruth of what your fucking problem was, because you just wanted to stop drinkingand let that thing hurt and then do whatever the fuck you want to doin your life. You didn't want to hear anything about God, which isthe whole meet and the whole deal and don't you believe for a second theseguys that tell you they're well meaning. God has toff to do with it. Don't worry about the God thing. We shouldn't worry about God thing,but don't believe that God is not. He's a central fact in our lives. If you really depends what you want. Forty years of contented sobriety. Youknow you want to. I'll tell you what the book says. Youwant to have remarkable things happen to you. You know, it says, aboveeverything, must get to this alcoholism. We must start stick it kills us. God makes that possible. Once he may get sincere decision for him, all sorts remarkable things happen. Being all powerfully gives us everything if westay close from stay close to him and do his work. Well, don'tyou believe some God says God has not do with it. He is theonly thing that is everything to do with it. You know what I mean. You decide whether or not you're going to. You know, listen,you're perfectly capable of saying well, that guy full of Shit and walking out, say I'm not going to do it. May Be like that, and Ican tell you this. Every decision you make will have consequences six months, a year, two years, five years down the road, and whenyou drink again, you drug again, you wind up in jail and you'reall fucked up again. You can you'll remember this conversation we have. They'llbe telling people that a doesn't work. Just tell people that you think aworks, but you probably never did it. You know what I mean, becauseyou were. You have the chief doctors to the ball. I culturejust the defiance, some of the bitch. You know, this is all aboutsurrender, and it's not even the first surrender of the moves. It'ssurrender of the penis, surrender of the vagina. It's surrender about the sexline, it's surrender about the romance, it's read about all that idealistic shitthat you think is the most important thing in your life that you can't getrid of because your whole self esteem is...

...based on who's on your arm.You know I mean whether you have a girlfriend or you have a boyfriend andwith your marry you're single, with you kids or a house. Your wholelife depends upon that shit and that stuff will ruin your ass. It'll ruinyour ass and you know why? I know that I'm not worried about anyof this shit because I seven two years old and been sober for, well, you know, over forty years. And I know here's the news.I know I'm absolutely one hundred percent right because I lived the fucking thing.This ain't the theory with me. I've watched them go out to drink.I've sponsored the hundreds of people. I know what the deal is. Idon't give a shit with you, believe me or not. Just live yourlife and have a good time. You know, I know what you're upI know the world ain't going to change for you. I know the copsare still going to stop and give you pitch thing tickets. I know you'regoing to still get flat tires. I know you're going to get fired fromthe job. I know you're going to have health problems. I know allsuch a shit. It's going to rain up on you every single day.I know you're not going to have a day that goes by where some sortof bullshit is not going to go your way. And sometimes I'm really evil. Shit is going to happen and I know you're either going to be athumbsucking fucking cry baby, or you're going to grow up and man up andbe a fucking man. I know how this thing's going to work for youand I'm just letting you know so when it happens, you can say thisis this shit, that is God was talking about. So you don't feelso you don't have to panic. You don't have to panic. Let say, Oh my God, he's not working. Oh my God, I think I'ma this is telling. You could say, well, this is thefucking this is what you know. They come up to me and they talk. They got three I suppose. Congratulations is what three years feels like.Congratulations is like. This what a hundred days feels you know, I'm goingto prayer. That's what it feels like. That's what your battle. That's areal disease. When you use that, that used to drink, that's howyou chase it. or You never experienced alcoholism, alcoholic stoniesperiens alcoholism.They experience drunk. It's different. Alcoholism rears in something a head. It'sten miles down the road. You say I need a fucking drinking you drinkingit away. Use Don't drink and you don't use. You experience something calledalcoholism, you explode, you you would. You you experience your thinking. Youknow you just make sure, whatever you do, do not use yourbrain. Just don't your dog use your brain. You don't really need youbrain. Look, when you have to go to bathroom, you go tobathroom right, right when you're hungry, you eat right. When you tired, your sleep right, so you can shit you. You go to bathroomright, you can, you can eat and you can go to sleep right. anythinking outside of that is dangerous, dangerous, and even the sleeping boyof dangerous. You might have this spot. I have to have response. Say, listen, you're tired, go to sleep, you're hungry. Youmight your spot. You may come to spot. Say also this thing.He may say, how much sleep did you get last time? You See, what does that act do with it? I don't want how much, twohours. Just go home and get some sleep. You may not evenput together in the sleeping or eat. I mean, I'm not even hungry. Go get some the you know what I mean. That's how serious thisdisease. You know, you'll think you're going your schizophrenic and you're going crazyand you just need a piece of past. You know, you'll be going topsychiatrist, will be feeding is attics and all you need is like ahard boiled day. You know. Okay, I said. I'm done.

In-Stream Audio Search

NEW

Search across all episodes within this podcast

Episodes (94)