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AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 11 months ago

Russell S. Talk 1 at the Solutions Group 10/06/2021

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. Talk 1 at the Solutions Group, West Dixie Club, Miami, FL 10/06/2021  

Zoom. Quite a few people on Zoom. So I got some money for the pot whatever. So listen, I'm an alcoholic. I haven't found us at every dream since January twenty five, one thousand nine hundred and eighty and eighty one. I've been rocketed, rocketed into the fourth dementia, about the fourth dimension. Pot at the mansion. You know, I own like I'm in my forty feet year. I'm sure you know how when you were a kid is a hell. Do you say I'm like six and a half. Then I'll have kids say, you know, to make them sense. I'm fifteen and I'm fifteen and three quarters. You know, so I'm I'm forty and three quarters. All right. So, so what I say in all my spot you're allowed to say this. I want to let you know this. You're let's say this. I could. I'm a certified old all time, when you're official, for I am. So you can say, like, like how much time you have learned. I think about but a hundred and twelve. You're like a poor example for this. You're really it's not your fault. Congratulate how much time you have. Fourteen. So you could say. You could say, and this would be the truth. I'm just telling you. You do whatever you want to do and if somebody questions you said, you could say I'm in my fifteenth year. That would be the truth. You understand what I'm saying. So that's the story. So they've already put pressure on me. They seem to talk about the first step. Who knows? I've been doing steps for, you know, last thirty five years and I'm not sure I do them anymore. I think I do. I'M gonna explain all this. I know it's a lot of the sounds odd. Like you got guy would almost forty one years, doesn't do this thing. You know, you know when you first do the steps, you know they're sort of like there's so intuitively opposite of what you do as a human being. I mean, look, let me just say this. I'm going to back all this up. Alcoholics are fucking insane. Okay, let me just just study the crazy. If you don't realize how fucking crazy you are, you just haven't been sober long enough, that's all. You just hang around for a few more months and when you're three or four months sober, you wake up three o'clock the morning you got a million fucking people on your mind and the question is with your drink or commits suicide and you don't know what the Hell is wrong with you. You know, because you don't give a shit what people think about you. But all you do is just thinking about people, what they're thinking about you, and you can't get everything. You can start in you know, you know what has nothing to do with Scotch, because you haven't had a drink or a drug and three months you're just fucking crazy and you call up your sponsor and say, I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm not sure I'm an alcohol I think I'm just crazy, and he says, do you listen? You can be both. You understand what I'm saying. So if you're an alcoholic, the alcohol is not the problem. Trust me, the alcohol is not the problem. If you're any this two rules for coming into first role. You have to drink together. It really is a rule. You know. You can try to circumvent that and you really should drink and all we get. You know, it's true. Why are they laughing? Oh by the way, this is sheldon and it's both support human, my emotional support human. He has a you know, he's helped set me up with the doom thing and everything like that. So you know what happened is with the zoom things. So you underd I do a lot. To do about five zoom meets. I just loved. I love because I can have from people all over the world and I love them. You know, I'm for a year I've been doing this. So this is that's like my group is on I remember the South Dixie Group, but we have a sad dixie group, Zoom Group and and so I have all these people that sponsored I love and they're like in mainland China or something. You know, and you know I just know him very well. I used to do the steps. I've done the steps at this room ten, fifteen times, I don't know. I think two years ago was last time. Good steps in this room right, and I love this room. We would be packed. We have a lot of people and we have a lot of fun in this room and everything like that. And also in Boka. We're going to start one up in Boca. So I've been doing...

...it for a long time. But what happens is when you first get into an what happens is and you start and your sparks. You get a sponsor, hopefully, and you start he stay, start telling you stupid shit. You know, that's what sponsors are here to tell you stuff that doesn't make any sense. Like, you know, no, don't go to the bar with you big book, you know, and drink ginger Ale, you know. Or they tell you things that you don't want to do. They don't see why you should have to do them. And I have to meet it again. I just went to one two weeks ago, you know, and I haven't had a drink in ten days. I think I'm cured. And they start trying to tell you to do stuff. What happens? When they started on this road to the steps, first step, seven, that fourth step, when you start doing them, they're like completely different, that all the steps are so different than the way you actually live your life that you know you're doing that. You know you're doing the steps. When somebody says do a fourth steps are you know you're doing the fourth step. When they say get on your knees and say the third step, praying, turn your life over to God, you know you're doing the third step. When they start saying at the beginning, to mean we say the serenity prayer. Did we do the straight prayer? This mean? Okay, Severah, you know you're praying. You never praying the fucking bar, you know. You know, I say the Lord's prayer, that you never pray on the bar, you know. And well, sometimes you pay God, please send that blond over here, you know what I mean, or something like that. You know, sure, you're laughing, you don't know what it's like, but the bottom line is is that when you start doing this day, when you so you you start doing stuff that you've never done before. Even think of Dan which, quite frankly, in your mind initially you don't think like what is saying the string craving do with drinking? We're saying Lord's for event of the drink. What's going to means? Have anything dress and it doesn't seem to connect. You know, it seems like you're being like I said to my spon, said I don't you like brainwashing me, and he says, well, maybe your brain needs washing. You know, because all these sponsors have been around for while. To go to sponsor school and you know, I graduate departmental. One was in mathematics. I was going for my PhD and outbreak topology. I decided to law school. I was the visit chief of the state's Attorney's office, prosecutor, I mean a natural science foundation fellow. When I finally got in here at thirty one years of age, I was supposed to be sponsored by Albert Einstein and Jesus Christ or something like that, to give me a used car salesman from Chicago to new graduate the sixth grade. But what happens is, by the time I got in here, I had like to neurons working and then waving goodbye to each other. So, I mean I was a god villain. So I didn't know the difference. So here's this guy, but fifteen, sixteen years, never even graduated like high school, you know, and he's telling me how to do shit and I'm listening to him. I'm listening to this guy and, you know, he's telling me do this, pray this, say this, and I what happened was I was beating down so hard. I had one thing going for me, and not everybody has this going for him. I was willing to do anything not to drink. I was willing to do anything not to drink. Apparently, whatever the first step is, I know that has to do with circumstances. I was willing to do anything. Drinking was I couldn't imagine drinking again. I knew, I knew. You know, a lot of people say, well, you could always come back. I knew I was coming back. I absolutely knew that if I started drinking I would not make it back. You know what I mean? I knew I wasn't going to be the guy to make it back. Okay, I was scared of drinking. And the reason why that was a great thing is when they start telling you to do stupid shit and you start getting understanding that you know and it clicks in your mind that not doing this stuff, you might drink, you end up doing the stupid shit. You may not like it, but you end up doing it. And and so what happens is you do all this stuff, when you say the prayers and you do all the stuff and you read the book and everything like that, but you know it's completely differ. You know you're doing the sense. You said, Oh man, I think I just did a third step. Oh, I think I'll I think I did a fourth. So I did an inventory stuff. Oh, some guy says, you know the directions to the West six club. Yeah, go around the corner and sitting right over the down and he says thank you. Oh Man, I think that's like a twelve step. I think I just did a twelve step. You know, as I just twelve step,...

I did eleven stuff. I did. You know, you're doing the steps. So what happens as you do that like, you do that like the first year, and you do it the second year and you do all this shit the third year. And what happens is, as you're going along, you have a sponsor and your sponsor has has friends and mentors, and not only got the sponsor, you got that the uncle and the cousin and the grandfather and everything like that, and they're all giving your directions and you're asking all sorts of stuff, and that's how you do where. And you start to keep on doing these weird things and after the first year or two they're all weird and stupid and then you start doing them all sort of like, not so much automatically, but you know you're supposed to do you and you know, you know that stuff happens to you feel like a chimne, yeah, that and you know, the first ten years you just doing steps and doing things and you know what you're doing and you're saying you're doing. you run around that. After that ten, twelve, thirteen years, you you don't really. It's not really it becomes sort of like a way of life. You know, you don't go to means because you have to go to meets. Just go to means because you just you go to means like you went to the bar. Go to means because that's where you go, that's where all your friends are. That's what you need to do in order that you feel better going to means than going anywhere else. Somehow, you go to a meet, know feel so good. You leave me and you feel better. You go to your sponsor. You don't feel so good, you leave the sponsor. There's some people in the group or in the room that you need. You don't you every time you're with them you feel safe. If you you start doing these things automatically without thinking about them, because it's like become a way of life. Feel the alcohol one of the things. It says the book. It says alcohol. It talks about alcoholism and alcoholics and it says it's a manner of it's it's a manner of living, and alcoholics manner ofly they can't separate the truth from the false. They think they're alcoholic life seems the only normal one. It's totally normal for me to look at somebody who wants to tell me, you know, I think you might be drinking too much or you might want to watch drink, and it's totally normal for me to say, why don't you go fuck yourself? I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think it's totally normal for me to walk around saying I don't believe all this fucking Shit's happened me. I'm Hav an allowsy fucking year. It's totally normal for me to think all the time I can't believe, why does this shit always happen to me? I mean, feeling sorry for myself, complaining is totally that's my life. It's totally normal for me to sit a bar with another guy and talk shit about you behind your back and then listen to him talk shit. You know, that is my life. The life was alcohol has talk and bad shit about other people on their back, thinking bad thoughts about people in their mind, thinking bad thoughts about themselves. To me, this is in sick this is an insane this is a way of life. I'm miserable, but I don't know I'm miserable. It's totally normal for me to say I don't give a shit what they think about the then go fuck themselves. I don't give a shit what they think about me, and then obvious and then spend the next and then not even understand that. The reason I'm saying that is all I do is think about people and how they're thinking about me and what they're thinking about me and worrying about I think it's people that really don't give a shit about what other people think about them. Don't sit around telling themselves and other people that they don't give a shit what other people think about it. You know, only assholes do that, only losers do that. You know and you know something. You know what helps that Scotch, because I have one part of my mind that says I'm the greatest son of a bitch in the world, nobody quite understands how wonderful and brilliant I am, and there's another part of my mind says I'm piece of shit out to kill myself. And when you got those two things working, set some some sort of crazy FRIS shit. I can't explain it, but that's me. You can stop drinking, but you can't stop thinking. And if I go to a bar and I take a couple of shots, I don't need to get drunk, just take a couple of shots. I'll tell you what, even before the boose hits my lips, I'm already feeling better. Those two things are coming together. I feel like I'm okay now, I'm in charge. Now I walk in the Bar, I think I'm worried about what they'll accept me, even though I'll give a shit what they think about me. I'm worried about what they'll sec they with a laugh and they because if you're alcohol to your please don't reject me, a haulic, please love me. A haulic. You know what are you looking at me? Funny fucking you, you a haulic. You know it's your your every a haulic in the world. You live a miserable fucking life. But here's the key. You don't realize you're miserable because you...

...don't talk or think any different than the gods you hang out with. You understand and the truth is. You've never since since you are fucking sperm, since you were five years old, you've never thought differently or being an emotional basket case like you are at twenty one. You've never been any different. You never thought any different than this. You never been any different than this. Your whole life is a life of feeling sorry for yourself, blaming other people, being pissed off, being angry, being feeling like shit if you don't get your way, being mad at people. That's your life and you don't know you're miserable because you don't know there's even another way of doing it. You don't even know there's another way of living your life. Somebody says to you why you're so. Many says, well, you be mad to of it happened to you, because you believe that if it happened to him, you can't comprehend to somebody not being man the same thing. You can coppy ended. There are people on the place, the earth, you know well. You know these church people. You know that Shit can happen them. They'll feel okay, but they're fucking crazy, you know. And because people that don't think like you, you think they're crazy and you walk into alcoholics, anonymous thinking, you have a drink, and so it happens. Is I'm I drink because no woman, no car, no matter of money, no job, know the suit of clothes, know nothing work quite as well and quite as fast as just a few dreams. And if it worked for me now, it's seventy, two years of age, the way work when I was nineteen years old, I'd still be drinking it. And the thing about my life is alcohol stopped working for me and so I don't drink it. And the sadness about my life is a stop working through that tenders for I even realized it stopped working and I heard a lot of people, and trust me, I don't need alcohol to be an asshole. Most of the people I heard in my life I was cold stone sober. Most of the decisions of selfishnessions I made in my life, and I'm going to talk a little bit bout them later on, I was cold stone solber. I don't mean alcohol to be selfish and self centered and do selfish things and things selfish things about people. And I don't even know there's another way of life because by time I got here I was Hare tragged. This is the way I am, and alcoholics like seems the only normal one. They're restless, they're irritable, the discontent wants to get accepts. France sense of ease and comfortable comes in once I take a few drinks, drinks and say see others take of impunity, and so I finally get to the point where you drink too much, the wheels fall off. Bad things happened, bad shit happens, and finally, really not even voluntarily, with the gun to my head, on my knees, I crawl in day a if I'm lucky. Sometimes it coming before that happens. And all of a sudden they start. And then we read and we come day looking for help with our disease, and then we meet these crazy fucking assholes called sponsors, and they are the ones that say stupid shit. You know, they say stupid Shit, you know, like one of my mentors, John Wayne. Some of you guys are young, but who here it doesn't remember John Wayne? Oh my God, this is an old timers. So John Wayne, one of my one of my one of the great thinkers of all time, is famous. His famous advice. Life is tough and if you're stupid, it's even tougher. It's even tougher, and I'Ma tell you them. I was the smartest stupidest guy you've ever met in your life. Most of the Times I fucked up and said stupid stuff, did self destructive stuff, I did based upon my own advice to me. Yes, and that he you know, yeah, quit that job, yeah, the Moors, that lady. Yeah, you know, do this, Dude. I mean I would follow my own advice, because WHO's smarter than me? And those better than me than me. You know what I mean. So I mean, I do that and my best thinking of my best day got me in here. And I am convinced that people just don't understand, because another it says, unless until an alcoholic accepts his alcoholism and all its consequences, it's sobriety to be precarious into Tor happeness,...

...so fund at all. And one of the consequences about being an alcohol which has nothing to do with booze, is this idea that we're different and we're unique and nobody's like us. Then we come to alcoholics anonymous, and we listen to people and say, holy fucking Shit, that guys tell my story. He's like, in my brain and the only reason a works is because we're all fucking twins. We're like twins in here, you know, otherwise it were working. be saying, I don't understand the word that guy was saying. This is a what people come up to me. I I'll speaking to the conventional be people. Come on, black, white, fat, skinny man woman us that. You're talking about me. Actually, you're talking about me. Oh Yeah, you're talking about amazing. No, actually, I was talking about me. You know what I mean. But that's the way we are. You know we are. We are exactly. We have this alcoholic personality. We may do look differently, but the circumstances differently, but it's all the same bullshit. And the alcohol, like it says in the big book, is really a symptom of it's just a symptom. It's just the thing we use to not feel like a piece of shit because deep down inside, like carmonager said, up all some minum when we move about, destroy themselves because deep, deep, deep down inside, we basically think we're unworthy and we shouldn't be on the planet, we should blow our fucking brains out, and that I don't give a shit. How great you think you are and how great you want to tell me you are and what a great singer active you know deep down inside, you know your piece of Shit, and all you're doing is trying to make sure nobody finds out what a piece of shit, pally belonging piece of crap you are, which is why, by the way, if you ever wondering why sometimes you're laving, went up in the shower and all of a sudden you hear this voice and says you're a fucking loser. You or to kill yourself, and you went to you look around the shower to see who the fuck's talking to you about, and there ain't nobody there. That ever happened to you where? You're driving along well, mind your own business. All said, you're fucking losier to the self, you're never gonna be okay, and you look around there's like nobody there but you. That is because, let me tell you what that is. Yeah, that's your reputation with you from you. That's what you really think about yourself. Now, if you drink enough or your horror around enough, or you watch TV or you go on the cell phone, you, if you distract yourself enough of the worldly shit that fucking voice may not come through, but towards the end of the drink, and even the drinking can't stop, that voice is in matter of fact, he gets even worse. And here's the real problem. The real problem is then you find out that alcohol is our problem, because alcohol was the thing that worked the best. But then you find out that women work too, and sex work too, and that money and cars work too. And you found out everything in this fucking World War II and you find out you're a fucking world of haul at worldly clamors. You know and you know, and then you start spending money. You don't have to buy shit. You don't even need to impress people you don't even like, because somehow when you buy something to you do something, you change something, you're like an if only or yes butter. You wake up, everyone's that if only I had a new girlfriend, if only I had a new wife, if I only had that redhead, if I only had a car, if I only had a job, if I only had more money, and you're run around looking to get that stuff and justissed off that you don't get it. And then you finally get it and you're okay for like a nanosecond. And then it's a new Gal, it's a new car. It's at all cars, the new car and everything like that. It's run around and nothing works. And what's really bad is then, once you get it, you got to keep been and then if you don't keep it, if they come and get the car because you can't pay for it, because you what. So I saw each other stuff. They make you feel like you're fucking man. Then you said around worried about what happens if they take my car, then anybody's no, I'm going to take they took my car, then I'm going to be callous, I'm be homeless, I'm doing this and they're all going to normal, photy piece of shit. I might as well tell myself what's the fucking you? You know what I mean. And it goes around and around, and this is without the drinking. This is now without the drinking. This is just living on the planet. It's tough if you're an alcoholic. It's just living on the freaking planet earth. And you're saying what's wrong? And so he goes some doctor and he says, he says, well, chew on these things.

I don't. I should chew on this shit. You know what I mean. I make you feel better, help you out. And when a doctor says chew on this Shit, bunch of pop one of these things, what he's really trying to say is this. Let me explain something with that. When the doctor gives you a pill, it says chew on this, what he's really trying to say is listen. I've been through a lot of school, I'm very wise man. I got the promise, but the truth is I have no idea what the fuck is wrong with you. But if you chew on this stuff, you know what I mean, it ain't going to fish you, but maybe you'll keep you fucking quiet so I can work with some who has real problems. You know what I mean. And you'd be very careful when the experts start telling you that you're you, you have what's called Valium deficiency, or is an ex deficiency. And if you just chew on this shit and it's just another the form of something to I don't care whether it's I don't care whether it's I don't care whether it's Xanax or whatever the hell they're pushing these days. Or to make you wonderful, they have an event to the hold, to get kill, to give you integrity, yeah, to make you a decent human being or a decent father yet, or a decent hub husband or somebody who's loyal. They haven't invented that pillion. So I don't know what the hell they're pushing on you, but the bottom line is as so then you do these steps over and over again, to hard times, do good times, do bad times, do whatever. You do them against you do. Well, you're doing what you will. And then you do them and you're do them and you did. It's like wax on, wax off, lax on, wax what. You do these things and then before you know, you're doing it so much and you're hanging around people. You find these people. I mean you know there's a lot of people in the but ultimately you learned to this. Ain't well, people's in office. There's actually a lot of crazy fucking people in here. As a matter of fact, it's a precondition to come here. I told my sponsor. He said, why don't you help the handster and Lord's care? Well, I don't believe in God. I don't want to be hypocrities. Stick too late. You mean hypocrite, somebody who says something and doesn't other things as yeah, you already busted that before you got to alcoholism. You know what I mean. So the bottom line is you got you start learning in here for the first ten years you're sober. You're sober, you start learning what the disease really is. It's something that lives in your heart. It's not the drinking, which is sus, the symptom. We got a lot of symptoms and consequences. The Real Disease Center's in your mind, not your body. It's not the the drinking. The real disease has centers in your mind and the best word for it is you're insane, and I know you're insane and ain't knows you're insane. You need to understand you're insane and the day you really comprehend how fucking sick you are, which may take about ten years, because the first step of getting out of jail is knowing you're in jail in the first place. The first step in knowing that you have an alcohol problem is having an alcohol problem, knowing you have an alcohol problem. The first step knowing that you have a sex problem, romance problem and you gentman problem and agaprint is to understand. You have that to understand. You're crazy and you're as powerless over that stuff as you are over the alcohol, maybe more, because it takes longer and the first ten years you spend time battling that Shit. You know what I mean? You may get the initial a isn't a great the wind stop blowing, I'm not drinking and everything like that, but I'll tell you something. You stay so for ten years, you're gonna have some interesting experiences. At three o'clock in the morning that's going to find out a little bit about this disease. My first wife told me what my first wife told me when I came home drunk for the Tenzero time at three o'clock in the morning. I love that alcoholics to come in here and say, well, I want to balance in my life. Here, I have a wife, a little child, my wife is I would I'm go to bar at four o'clock. They have going to come on the three o'clock in the morning, three four o'clock in the morning. It was like nothing for me to spend twelve hours in a far when the wagon can at all come in. One day she comes up with me, beautiful wife, Nice down says I just want you to know she wasn't starting five, to come on dropping more time. I'm leaving you, and she said it like she was delivering the fucking mail. You know she wasn't start up. I should. I just want you know sick of it. Married five years,...

...come drunk with time, leaving you that night, I drive my car three blocks down the street. I'm as sober as I am right now physically. I'm away to state Stern's office put some murder in jail or something like that, and I stopped the light and I say my I say this twelve words. If you come home drunk one more time, I am leaving you. Twelve words, non fatten you. You come on drunk with Tom Leaving me. I stopped the card the light and I say this. What the fuck did she mean by that? You mean by that, because one of the consequences of alcoholism is when you hear something or somebody tells you something you don't like, you fucking confuses you. So when the judge says, you know I mean I mean judges say something, parents say something. You said. What the fuck is that? I don't I don't understand. I don't get it. I don't understand now, even sending a time for the first two years and Ay is, I don't understand. I don't, I don't. What the fuck you talking about? You know. I mean, you just don't get it, and that's a form of insanity. It says alcohol, selfishness, stelf center is driven by hundred forms of fierce off delusee. sulfolusion. With delusion, we step in tones of others. They utaliate seemingly without provocation. We've learned where. We've made decisions the past based up on self, which put us of the position to be heard. So I asked my sponsor was what exactly does that? Many says, well, it means Russ is. Actually, you don't do a shit about anybody except yourself. I said, I like the way they say in the big book better, but that's the truth. You don't give a shit about anybody so yourself. All you do is think about yourself. How's this going to affect me? That's all you give a shit about, you know. And all you think about is how people are wrong. You're all doings of others. Really going to Magine? You got a lot of Maginary shit going on. It's like the two psychiatrist and puts themselves in the hall. Everyone says allow. The other one says, what the fuck you mean by that? You know what I mean. It's it's like you got all sorts of conspiracies going on in Why didn't he pay attention to me? Why didn't say a low back? You don't realize his father just thought. You have no idea. You don't care because you're a you're in a you're you're sitting there in bumping a bumper traffic. There's tenzero s cars. Ay, I fuck, is this always happening to me? Like you're the only one there, you know, and that's the whole world revolves around you. I told my sponsor why. I says, how you're doing? Is that I'm doing gratis. Oh, you must be getting your own way. What the fuck is that? You know? An hour later I wasn't gain my own way and I felt like Shit. I mean, how do you save yourself from world where you have no control whatsoever? I'm like an ant going on log, going down a river. I could position myself a millimeter here. Are there to get maybe less wet? That's what I do. Every once while goes around the curve and the merit rear in the river. I think I'm steering the log. You know, I'm not listen. I don't even know what I'll be alive an hour from now. I'm driving along run it. It's not all nine percent of the stuff. When I first came in I'm getting jammed because of my own decisions. But after I'm coming here, as I make decent decisions, I'm still getting jammed because nine percent of the shit that happens on a planet this pandemic. I mean, who can forget? You know, I did steps here. You know BC, you know before covid you know, you know, but before the apocap but before the apocalypse. Now we're the apocalypse. You know, and I mean who could? You can't control shit. You got no control. You know, how you be happy, Joyce and FRAE, how you be rocking the fourth dimension of existence? I go up to my sponsor. I say to my sponsor, I'm steamed. Of course, I'm sober. Three years and some guy just bounced the bother of dollar check and because he bounced the check on the I bounced chem and I help this guy out, you know what I mean, and I am fucking thinking about him. I'm telling everybody I know about this asshole, about I'm thinking about him, what I'm going to do to him, blah, blah, blah, dairy, and my mind is completely clouded with this asshole. About the five would the dollar check. I had no control over that. Ye know that he did that. So I'm telling everybody who listen to me about...

...the five dollar check. You know that'll happen to you. It'll happen, maybe differently or something like that. And so I tell my sponsored about he says, yeah, I understand. As says, I know you've been talking about that at everybody says yeah, the guys, and he says so, let me tell you, let me ask you something. How would you feel if it didn't bothery? And I look at them and I said, I understand the question. What's the question? He says, how would you feel for then? Body? I said what? I don't, I don't understand the question. How would you feel that didn't body with simple question, I said, would me? How would I feel like the guy bounced five of all check on me and SAI, yeah, but how would you feel? Within body. How how would I feel if it bother me? And he that's the five hundred fucking dollar check on me. He said, yeah, how would you feel it then bother you? I said, how would I feel if, if it didn't bother me, that he bounced the five dollar checking me said Yeah, how would you feel that didn't bother you, that he bounced the Popley do'll check on you. I said, well, if it didn't bother me, I feel fine. He said, there you go and he walks away. What's what the fuck is that? And I run into people in AA and they're dying of terminal cancer and they feel fine. And I run into other people where you know they just had a bad five minutes at a hangnail. All they want to do a fuck about for an hour and a fucking meeting. I want Whooo, who do you want to be like? And then I got the second step, and it says came to believe that a paragrain ourselves could restorees to sanity. Sounds pretty good and I don't even understand what it means. And somewhere about twenty or thirty years down the road I realize, wait a second, you can't be restored to sanity, unless you're an actually insane, because people who are saying don't have to be restored to Saturday. So what they made must be saying this. I'm fucking nuts and left left to my own, my own brain, if I stay in here. And then you start seeing people at ten years and twenty years and thirty years and six months and nine months and fight team months drinking again. People are going the same injured, going through reading the same shit you're reading, doing the same stuff you're doing, and after ten years they're drinking. Now. I understand this craving shit. I understand the Jaywalker Shit. I said, once I have one I can't be you know, I inderstand that because I lazed tatle chips. I go through a bag. It's like I'm believa. But the bottom line is, as why would a person that goes to these meetings and here's everything, you here and maybe is even taking the first step? I don't know. People say, well, he obviously has to take the first step. Don't tell me that some fucking guy has been that sober for ten years asn't taken the first step. Well, maybe, maybe what the real problem is is he never really dealt with his alcoholism. He just joined the not drinking club. You know, we got really two groups in here. We have a not drinking club where all they do is say just put the plug in the drug, don't drink and just go to meetings, you know, and they think they're okay. They don't have to do anything more. The Bible stuff. I'm not going this shit, you know, join the tredonomically, do this shit, pray, fuck that Shit. I don't even know what our believe in God, all this God stuff and all the stub uses. Don't drink, go to means for the plug in the Jug. And you got to not drinking club. It's Great Little Club. You can say sober on that, pretend twenty, thirty years. You can even tell yourself you're doing okay because they give up chips, battalion, the class for you think you're doing fine. And after ten years you drink and the reason you you don't drink cuse your craving alcohol. Your drink to get off the fucking rock as you feel like a piece of shit and a loser and you're restless. Eibal it because you never doubt with something called alcoholism, because I'll tell you what the truth is. You're in the not drink club and you've never been rocking in the fourth dimension of existent of existence. You don't have what. You're not emotionally sober, you're just physically so and you get awady with that shit in here for a long time, but eventually catches up to you. And maybe you're lucky. You...

...don't know. You're just twenty years sober and you're miserable. You're just miserable. You go through your fourth divorce. You're going to find one, one other guy and one other Gal, you know, capture one of the guy got. This one's going to be okay, or you know, whatever it is, you're just going to just pound this thing into the pavement to try to fix things in because you're an iphone or and a yes butter, if I had this, if I had that, and you can grab all that stuff and you're going to try one more time to see what the money will cure. Or sexo cured or a woman curative, pornal cured, or whatever it is, and nothing seems to fucking word. Once in a while, if you're lucky, you run into one of these Eskimos and alcoholics, anonymous that seems to be talking about something that makes sense to you, but you have no idea how to fucking do it. So you follow that guy around. You know you do that thing. So you do these things over and over and over again. He's like little to you. Know, like well, it's like any it's like anything. If your tennis pro, all you do is you start off playing against people, then you play against better people than better people, and the hidden ball in the ball, you didn't ball you in the ball. After ten, twenty three years, it becomes like going to math. You're turning your life, one life, over to God. You turn over to God. Have a thing that's bothering it's been bothering your four weeks. It's been bothering you fo days. All you could do is think about it. The money, the woman, the car, the man, whatever the hell you can talk thinking about. Finally, at the end of the rope, when it's killing you, you know you talk about is it? Somebody says put it in a God, boss or turn it over to God, and you and you do it. However, you do it, you pretty guy, say God, please don't let me think about this anymore. She's driving me crazy. You take it over, whatever happens happens, and somebody says you next day, what happened that thing with Leslie John, whatever it is? He says, I turned it over. I'm not even thinking about anymore. Whatever's going to happen. They're going to leave, theyre going to come, whatever is going to happen is going to happen. I have no control over and it's gone. And only took you two or three weeks to do that. Then next time it comes out, it takes you. You know, it's two or three years later. You sort of remember what you did. you run around all the plane and then what happens is you is you do it. You finally, after two or three or four an Asian, you turn over to God, feel better. You go on to the next and three or four years later, you know, something else happens. The arrestaurant Yoletta. What's going to happen? I'm as well kill myself and I'm going to go to jail. To come and after me and Blah Blah Blah and say I don't know, I'm turn over to God, I'll get a lawyer, I'll do something like that. Whatever it's gonna happens. Gonna Happen. I got no over control of it. It takes you about twenty four hours. You turn over and group. Then about twenty one years or something like that, something happens and you're upset about for that an hour or so. You know what I mean. Let's say, what the fuck, I'm not gonna be a do anything. I'm going to turn over to God whatever God wants it. That's the deal. And maybe you get some advice or responsor and you follows advice and then you let it rest, go to a meeting and you don't even even talk about you know, because it's not a big you know. It's you turned it over. And then you got about thirty years sobriety and something happens and and something happens and you see something happen. You said about Kay and and you it's like a minute labe. You turn it over all over this on turnover, and then you have forty years sobriety and then something happens. Did something big happens and and you don't notice it. You don't noticing because you're not upsetable. There's just something happening and no big deal because you live it. It turned over line and somebody asks you, do you do the steps? I say, you know, I don't really do the steps. I love this house, I live the things. I don't resend people, I don't get pissed, I don't get angry. I mean, I'm saying it's perfect. You know what I mean. You know you don't get angry, you don't hang on to anger, you don't go through all the fucking bullshit. You got to go through the turnover and to do this and you do that. You...

...know I because you changed. You've gone through that psychic change that they talked about in the book. They said ideas, emotions and attitudes and the driving force of these men's lives are push to one side and they become dominated by only set of ideas, emotions and attitudes. And they said and Rolland said that. The doctor young told me, said it's a God thing. It's a psychic change to reborn. You start realizing the promises in your life, lose fear people and that cannot be in security. You got a means. Instead of people say we did mean said, well, I'm not ready, which is code from scared. You just ask you to do something. You just do it. You don't necessarily have to prepare for meetings. You just go to means. You just be yourself and talk about your experience, straight it up, and you say whatever you're going to say and you don't worry about if they don't like you. They like you, they can tell about God and giving your life to Jesus. It don't matter if they get busitor not, because your self esteem and who you are and what you are just depend upon whether the guy in the front row or see some guy that's not paying your deesel build things about you. He walks out the room because your life is no longer a life. That's where you you where you think of yourself, dependent upon one you think other people think about you. You don't even worry about what other people are thinking about you. Clearly are worring about what other people think about and then you can be yourself, which is pretty good, because I'm better at being myself than anybody else and I used to live life being other people, being the person you wanted me to be, I thought you wanted me to be, and you get mad at me I try to stop. So wait a second, look about you understand, I'm not like that. You don't said what I know. I know you think you know me, but I was just trying to do this that. You know. I was just trying to you know I'm really like this, you know, trying to figure out who the fucking really are. And some guy comes up and says, if you don't know who you are or what you are while you're on the planet, the time you reach thirty years old, you're going to be fucking Goofy, gonna be one crazy person. I had no idea what my personal purpose for life was. I thought it was the nail women or get cars or get money or shit like that. And I was once sorry, son of a bitch. And so I'm sevent two years of very selfsappointing to my own contributions. Got A Grandki, well, seven grandkids, eighth ones on its way, and four kids and raise them and and this is my life, trying to like Billi wasn't said the Lord has been so wontful to meet curing me of this terrible disease. I've got to keep carrying this message and telling other people about this deal. And so when I say I don't do the steps, I just live my life and I talked about my experiences, strength and hope and what's going on myself, and I'm going to tell you something. What I'm going to tell you somethings about my life and my experience. Just remember this. One a man and with experience to me to man with money, man with experience will walk away with the money. The man with the money, we'll walk with an experience. I can tell you this. Whatever I tell you about my life, any story in my life, anything that has to do in my life, because all our stories, which disclosed in generally what we used to be like, what all our stories have embedded into them all the steps and our victory over alcohol and over alcoholism. If I tell you a story of my life, I can tell you within that story is all about steps one through twelve, all the values we talked about in here, and it's about alcoholism and the disease of alcoholism as about victory over that disease. I have no other stories in that. You know why? Because I'm an alcoholic. So any story that's ever happened my fucking life, from having cancer twice or having money problems or any like, any story I tell you, I promise you it'll be about alcoholism. It'll be about not drinking and victory over drinking, victory overheating, Victory Oversaw Penny, victory over feel sorry for yourself. You understand I'm saying? And you're all have to do with every fucking step and you're gonna have to figure out what fucking step that was. And for some guy in the back over there is got twenty years, he's going to say that's the fucking Ted stuff. Another guys is that's the fucking first step. And you know what, whatever you get out of this thing is going to have nothing to do with what I say. It's going to happen. You have to do with what's going on inside of you. And if you decide that you,...

...and this is you're an alcoholic and you say this guy's full of Shit, then you won't get anything out it. You'll be fine. That would be okay too, and you can do it. A lot of what I hear a lot of people do. You can come up to me eight years down. So I used to hate me. Now I love you, because you was saying Shit and I didn't want to hear you know, I didn't like what you were saying, but just remember whenever you're whenever you're upset, no matter what the cause is something wrong with you. So if I upset you, that's a good thing. As a matter of fact. Of Twenty five percent of people will leave the room or passed off a little bit about what I said or at LURD by it for the way I say. I feel like I'm a failure. I haven't said anything because I'm not here and I say to make you feel good. By my best teachers and a were people when I left room I said I hate that fucking guy. Promise he left the room. When he's going fine, then bother him at all. is driving me crazy, and my problems is an alcoholic. I got to figure out why he's driving me crazy and then figure it out and look at it and then try to forgive him because it was driving me because I'm the one who's going to drink. And that's the deal. So what was that about? The first step is that. It was that about palace that's over alcohol. Is that about palaces of our alcoholism? You're gonna make the choice between alcohol. You'RE gonna have to take the choice between God and the money in your life. You will have to make choice between God, and then you'll have to make a choice between God and Romance. You'll have to make a choice from God and get in late. You're got to make choice being God and a lot of things. You know. You have to make those choices all the way and whether you stay sober, and we're kind of man or woman you're going to be is the home with choice. You it and it's good. Depend upon who you hang out with and what books you read and what books you read to depend upon the people you hang out and that's going to be the bottom line. And you may not understand that now, but I can tell you since six months or a year or ten years from now, you understand it. And if you drank five years from now, it's not because you're gonna be able to say somebody will. Nobody explain this to me. I was never tall. It's going to be because you never really were willing to come to the truth of what your fucking problem was, because you just wanted to stop drinking and let that thing hurt and then do whatever the fuck you want to do in your life. You didn't want to hear anything about God, which is the whole meet and the whole deal and don't you believe for a second these guys that tell you they're well meaning. God has toff to do with it. Don't worry about the God thing. We shouldn't worry about God thing, but don't believe that God is not. He's a central fact in our lives. If you really depends what you want. Forty years of contented sobriety. You know you want to. I'll tell you what the book says. You want to have remarkable things happen to you. You know, it says, above everything, must get to this alcoholism. We must start stick it kills us. God makes that possible. Once he may get sincere decision for him, all sorts remarkable things happen. Being all powerfully gives us everything if we stay close from stay close to him and do his work. Well, don't you believe some God says God has not do with it. He is the only thing that is everything to do with it. You know what I mean. You decide whether or not you're going to. You know, listen, you're perfectly capable of saying well, that guy full of Shit and walking out, say I'm not going to do it. May Be like that, and I can tell you this. Every decision you make will have consequences six months, a year, two years, five years down the road, and when you drink again, you drug again, you wind up in jail and you're all fucked up again. You can you'll remember this conversation we have. They'll be telling people that a doesn't work. Just tell people that you think a works, but you probably never did it. You know what I mean, because you were. You have the chief doctors to the ball. I culture just the defiance, some of the bitch. You know, this is all about surrender, and it's not even the first surrender of the moves. It's surrender of the penis, surrender of the vagina. It's surrender about the sex line, it's surrender about the romance, it's read about all that idealistic shit that you think is the most important thing in your life that you can't get rid of because your whole self esteem is...

...based on who's on your arm. You know I mean whether you have a girlfriend or you have a boyfriend and with your marry you're single, with you kids or a house. Your whole life depends upon that shit and that stuff will ruin your ass. It'll ruin your ass and you know why? I know that I'm not worried about any of this shit because I seven two years old and been sober for, well, you know, over forty years. And I know here's the news. I know I'm absolutely one hundred percent right because I lived the fucking thing. This ain't the theory with me. I've watched them go out to drink. I've sponsored the hundreds of people. I know what the deal is. I don't give a shit with you, believe me or not. Just live your life and have a good time. You know, I know what you're up I know the world ain't going to change for you. I know the cops are still going to stop and give you pitch thing tickets. I know you're going to still get flat tires. I know you're going to get fired from the job. I know you're going to have health problems. I know all such a shit. It's going to rain up on you every single day. I know you're not going to have a day that goes by where some sort of bullshit is not going to go your way. And sometimes I'm really evil. Shit is going to happen and I know you're either going to be a thumbsucking fucking cry baby, or you're going to grow up and man up and be a fucking man. I know how this thing's going to work for you and I'm just letting you know so when it happens, you can say this is this shit, that is God was talking about. So you don't feel so you don't have to panic. You don't have to panic. Let say, Oh my God, he's not working. Oh my God, I think I'm a this is telling. You could say, well, this is the fucking this is what you know. They come up to me and they talk. They got three I suppose. Congratulations is what three years feels like. Congratulations is like. This what a hundred days feels you know, I'm going to prayer. That's what it feels like. That's what your battle. That's a real disease. When you use that, that used to drink, that's how you chase it. or You never experienced alcoholism, alcoholic stoniesperiens alcoholism. They experience drunk. It's different. Alcoholism rears in something a head. It's ten miles down the road. You say I need a fucking drinking you drinking it away. Use Don't drink and you don't use. You experience something called alcoholism, you explode, you you would. You you experience your thinking. You know you just make sure, whatever you do, do not use your brain. Just don't your dog use your brain. You don't really need you brain. Look, when you have to go to bathroom, you go to bathroom right, right when you're hungry, you eat right. When you tired, your sleep right, so you can shit you. You go to bathroom right, you can, you can eat and you can go to sleep right. anythinking outside of that is dangerous, dangerous, and even the sleeping boy of dangerous. You might have this spot. I have to have response. Say, listen, you're tired, go to sleep, you're hungry. You might your spot. You may come to spot. Say also this thing. He may say, how much sleep did you get last time? You See, what does that act do with it? I don't want how much, two hours. Just go home and get some sleep. You may not even put together in the sleeping or eat. I mean, I'm not even hungry. Go get some the you know what I mean. That's how serious this disease. You know, you'll think you're going your schizophrenic and you're going crazy and you just need a piece of past. You know, you'll be going to psychiatrist, will be feeding is attics and all you need is like a hard boiled day. You know. Okay, I said. I'm done.

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