AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 1 month ago

Russell S. Talk 1 at the Solutions Group 10/06/2021

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. Talk 1 at the Solutions Group, West Dixie Club, Miami, FL 10/06/2021  

So quite a few people off and zoom, so Igot some money for the whatever so listen, I'm an alcoholic by haven'tfound us at ever drink since January, twenty fifth, one thousandnine hundred and eighty it one I've been rocketed rocket- is into fourth dimension, not the fourth of metforth know on II'm in my forty first year. You know you know how, when you were a kid, ishow old do you say? I'm like six and a half then I'll have tod say you know to makethem say of fifteen, and I'm fifteen o three quarters. You know so I'm I'm forty and three quarters so what I say in all my spot, you'reallowed to say this. I want to let you know this you're allowed to say thesecond, I'm a certifiate time in your official for you. I am so you can say like like how much time youhave Larhune a D, twelve well you're in like a port example for this. Really it's not your fault.Congratulate now how much time you so you could say you could say, andthis would be the truth. I'm just telling you you do whatever you want todo and if somebody question you said you could say I'm in my fifteenth year.That would be the truth. You understand what I'm saying. So that's the story, so they've alreadyput pressure on me. They seen to talk about the first step. Who knows I'vebeen doing steps for you know the last thirty five years and I'm not sure I doit anymore. I think I do I'm no explain all this. I know it's. A lot of thissounds odd. Like you, guy got with almost forty one years. Doesn't do thisyou, you know when you first do the steps you know they're sort of likethey're, so intuitively opposite of what you do is a human being I mean lot. Let me just say this: I'm going toback all this up. Alcohols are fucking in saying, okay, let me just just tellyou the crazy, if you don't realize how fucking crazy you are. You just haven'tbeen sober long enough. That's all you just hang around for a few more months and when you're, three or four months,so very you wake up three o'clock the morning you got a million fun people onyour mind and the question is whether you drink er commit suicide and youdon't know what the Hell is wrong with you. You know, because you don't give ashit when people think about you, but all you do is your think about people.What they're thinking about you and you can't get rid of o to start, and youknow you know what that's nuff to do with Scotch, because you not, I had adrink or a drug and three months, you're, just fucking crazy, and youcall up your sponse and say I don't know what's wrong me: I'm not Trumanalcohol. I think I'm just crazy and he says: Do you listen? You can be both.You understand what I'm saying. So, if you're an alcoholic, the alcohol is notthe problem. Trust me, the alcohol is not the problem. If you're any this,two rules were coming into. First of all, you have to drink together itreally. As a rule. You know you can try to circumaambient. Ou really shoulddrink it on he get. You know on by this is sheldons human. Myemotional support human- he has you know, helps set me up with the onething and everything like that. So you know what happened is with the zoomthing, so the unsaid do a lot. I do about five zoomin. I just love it. Ilove because I connect when people all over the world, and I love them. Youknow I'm for a year. I've been doing this, so this it's like my group is on.I remember the Soutine Group, but we have a SADDIG group, Zoom Group and-and so I have all these people that sponsor that I love and they're like inmainland China or something you know, and you know I just know very well. Iused to do the steps. I've done the steps of this room ten fifteen times. Idon't know I think, two years ago, last I'm doing steps in this Ronnie and Ilove this one. We would be packed. We have a lot of people and we have a lotof fun in this room and everything like that, and also in Boker we're going tostart one up in Boca. So I've been...

...doing it for a long time, but whathappens is when you first get into a g? What happens is, and you start and yoursport you get a sponsor. Hopefully, and you start, they start telling youstupid shit. You know that's what sponsors you here to tell you stuffthat doesn't make any sense like you know. No, don't go to the bar with yourbig book. You know and drink ginger rail, you know, or they tell you things.If you don't want to do you don't see why you should have to do them and Ihave to go to meet it again. I just went to one two weeks ago. You know,and I haven't had a drink in ten days. I think I'm pure and they start tryingto tell you to do stuff what happens when they started one of this world tothe steps first Tepsia, that for step, when you start doing them, they're likecompletely different that all the steps are so different and the way youactually live, your life that you know you're doing it. You knowyou're doing the steps when somebody says do a force that I you know you'redoing the force when they say get on your knees and say the third stepprayer turn your life over to God. You know you're doing the third step whenthey start saying at the beginning, man, we say the serenity prayer. Did we didthis strange at this man of Okay Severa, you know you're praying you never prayin the fucking bar. You know her. I say the Lord's prayer that you never prayin the bar. You know and well sometimes you paid O God, please send that blonde over here.You know what I mean or', something like that. You know sure you'relaughing, you don't know what it's like, but the bottom line is. I said when youstart doing this day when you, so you start doing stuff, that you've neverdone before even think of Din, which, quite frankly, in your mind, initially,you don't think like what is saying to strenthin' do with drinking what Isaying Lords for event I drink, what's going to means have anything in dread.Now it doesn't seem to connect. You know it seems like you're being be.Like I said to my sponsor, I don't get you like brain washing me and he says:Well, maybe your brain needs washing. You know, because all these spots thathave been around for a while they go to sponsor school, and you know Igraduated department alone was in mathematics. I was both for my PhD andOutran Topology. I decided to law school. I was the visit chief of thestates. turnes off is a pross gitter. I National Science, FIDATO fellow, when Ifinally got in here at thirty one years of age. I was supposed to be sponsoredby Aladin Stein or Jesus cribes, or something like that. They gave me touse car salesman from Chicago to you graduate the sixth grade, but whathappens is by the time I got in here I had like to Marons work in the wavinggood bye to each other. So I'm I was a God villa, so I didn't even know thedifferent. So here's this guy but fifteen sixteen years, never evengraduated like high school. You know and he's telling me how to do shit andI'm listening to him. I'm listening to this guy- and you know we tell me, dothis pray. This say this and what happened was I was beating down so hard.I have one thing going for me and not everybody has his going for him. I was want to do anything not to drink.I was willing to do anything not to drink. Apparently, whatever the first step is.I don't know what the has student circumstances. I was willing to doanything drinking was I couldn't imagine drinking again. I knowI know you know a lot of people say well, you can always come back. I knewI was coming back. I absolutely knew that if I start drinking, I would notmake it back. You know what I mean. I knew I wasn't going to be the guy tomake it back. Okay, I was scared of drinking and the reason why that was agreat thing is when they start telling you to do stupid, chair and you startgetting understanding that you know, and it clicks in your mind that notdoing this stuff you might drink. You end up doing the stupid shit. You maynot like it, but you end up doing it and and so what happens is you do allthis stuff and you say the prayers and you do all the stuff and you read thebook and everything like that, but you know it's completely di. You knowyou're doing this sense. He said. Oh Man, I can. I just did a third stay. Oh,I think. Oh, I think I did A for. I didn't even toward to some guy says youknow the directions to the West. Tice club yeah go around the corner and sitright away and he says tank. You OL man. I think that's like a twelve step. Ithink I just did it twelve step. You...

...know, I said I just twelve step. I dideleven stuff it it. You know you're doing the step. So what happens? Is Youdo that, like you do that like the first year and you do it the secondyear you do all the shit the third year and what happens is as you go along,you have a sponsor and your sponsor has has has friends and mentors now whenyou got to sponsor you got the uncle and the cousin with grandfather andeveything like that and they're all giving you directions and you're askingall sorts of stuff and that's how you do we and you start keep on doing theseweird things and after the first year or two they're, all weird and stupid,and then you start doing them all sort of like not so much automatically. Butyou know what you're supposed to do. You and you know you know in bad stuff-happens to you feel like a Timmie, but you know you runs in the room. You dothis, you do that, and you know the first ten years you just doing stepsand doing things, and you know what you're doing and you're saying you'redoing you run around that after about ten twelve thirteen years. You youdon't really it's not. Really. It becomes sort of like a way of life. Youknow you don't go to meats because you have to go to me. He's just got tomeans because you just you go to means like you went to the bar what it means,because that's what you do. That's where all your friends are! That's whatyou need to do in order that you feel better going. I means than go anywhereelse. Somehow you go to a medio, feel so good believe the men. You feelbetter. You go to your sponsor. You don't feel so good. You leave spuntarcertain people in the group or in the room that you need. You know every timeyou're with them. You feel safe. You feel you start doing these thingsautomatically without thinking about them, because it's like become a way oflife holy yea, one of the things that says the book. It says out it talksabout alcoholism and alcoholics. It says it's a manner of it's. It's amatter of living and alcoholics matter ably. They can't separate the truth ofthe false they think their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. It'stotally normal for me to look at somebody who wants to tell me you know,I think you might be drinkin too much, but you might want to watch strength,and it's totally normal for me to say why don't you go fuck yourself. I don't think there's anything wrongwith that. I think I it's totally normal for me to walkaround saying. I don't believe all this fucking shits happen, Ye I'm having alousy fucking year, it's totally normal for me to think all the time. I can'tbelieve why does this shit always happen? To me,I mean feeling sorry for myself. Complaining is totally that's my life,it's totally normal for me to sit a bar with another guy and talk shit aboutyou behind your back and then listen to him. Talk to you know that is my life.The life was alcohol case talking bad shit about other people on their backthinking, bad thoughts about people in their mind, thinking bad thoughts aboutthemselves. To me this isn't sick. This is an insane. This is a way of life,I'm miserable, but I don't know I'm miserable it's totally normal. For meto say I don't have a shit, what they think about en they go a fuckthemselves, I'm going to shit what they think about me and then obviously thenspent the next and then not even understand that the reason I'm sayingthat is all I do is think about people and how they're thinking about me andwhat they're thinking about me and worried about itius people that reallydon't give a shit about what other people think about them. Don't sitaround telling themselves and on people that they don't give a shit of otherpeople. Think about you know only assholes. Do that only losers? Do thatyou know, and you know something you know what helps that Scotch, because Ione part of my mind that says I'm the greatest son of a bitch in the world.Nobody quite understands how wonderful and brilliant I am and there's anotherpart of my mind. I says on piece of: Should I ate till my self and when yougot those two things working sets up some sort of crazy friction. I can'texplain it, but that's me you can stop drinking, but you can't stop thinkingand if I go to a bar and I take a couple of shots, I don't need to heardrunk just take a couple of shots. I'll tell you what, even before the Boo sitsmy lips, I'm already feeling better those two things are coming together. Ifeel like I'm. Okay, now I'm in charge. Now I walk in the bar. I think I'mworried about whether they'll accept me, even though I'll give a shit what theythink about me. I'm worried about with the sack at with the laugh at me,because, if you're not half her, please don't reject me. A holic, please loveme a Halik, you know what are you looking at me? Funny, fucking, you, youa Halik, you know it's every holic in the world. You live a miserable fuckinglife, but here's the tea. You don't...

...realize you're miserable, because youdon't talk. I think any different than the guys you hang out with youunderstand and the truth is you've. Never since, since you were fuckingspurn, since you were five years old, you've never thought differently orbeen an emotional basket case. Like you are a twenty one. You've never been anydifferent. You never thought any different than this. You never been anydifferent than this. Your whole life is a life of feeling, sorry for yourself,blaming other people being pissed off, being angry, being feeling like shit.If you don't get your way being mated people, that's your life and you don'tknow you're miserable, because you don't know there's even another way ofdoing it. You don't even know this the other wayof living. Your Long. Somebody says to you why you so mad. I says: Well youthink there too. If it happened to her because you believe that if it happenedto him, you can't comprehend that somebody not being man the same thing,you can't coppeen there are people on place the earth with you know. Well,you know these church people, you know, get shine them they'll, feel okay, butthey're fucking crazy. You know because people that don't think like you, youthink they're crazy and you walk in down Cos. Ynnysthinking you have a drink, and so what happens is I'm? I drank because nowoman, no car, no amount of money, no job, nother, Suto clothes, no, nothingwork, quite as well, and quite as fast as just a few games, and it worked menow at seventy two years of age. We worked me when I was nineteen years old.I'd still be drinking it and the thing about my life is alcohol, stop workingfor me, and so I don't drink it and the sadness about my life is stop work onthat tenders, for I even realized it stop work in. I hurt a lot of peopleand trust me. I don't need alcohol to be an asshole. Most of the people Iheard in my life, I was cold stone, sober most of the decisions ofselfishness pass, I made in my life and I'm going to talk a little bit. Bautelater on. I was cold stone, so I don mean alcohol to be selfish and selfcentered and do selfish things and think selfish things about people and Idon't even know, there's another way of life because by the time I got here, Iwas here to track. This is the way I am, and I also like seems the only normalone, they're restless they're irritable the discontent less to get a sex grandsense of Hes in comfort which comes on one but take in a few dreads drakon sayshe unterstant impunity, and so I finally get to the point whereyou drink too much the wheels fall off. Bad things happen, bad shit happens andfinally, really not even voluntarily with a gun to my head on my knees, Icrawl into a if I'm lucky, sometimes the coming before thathappens and all of a sudden they start, and then we we, then we come daylooking for help with our disease, and then we meet these crazy fucking, ascalls called sponsors, and he are the ones that say stupid Shure, you know, can they say stupid shit. You know like one of my mentors John Way, some of youguys are young and but who here doesn't remember John Wyne? Oh my God. This is a hole time. I so John Wen one of my one of my one ofthe great thinkers of all time he's famous his famous advice. Life is tough and if you're stupid, it's even tougher,it's even tougher an Amitie them. I was the smartest the stupidest guy you'veever met in your life most of the Times I fucked up and saidstupid stuff and did self destructive stuff. I did based upon my own adviceto me. Yes, and that me, you know yeah quit that job yeah. Theword said, Lady Yeah, you know do this. Do that I mean I would follow my own advice becausewho's smarter than me and those better than me than me. You know what I meanso I mean I do that and my best thinking of my best. They got me inhere and I am convinced that people just don't understand because another.It says unless Ontil an alcoholic accepts as alcoholism and all itsconsequences, it's a Brie to be...

...precarious and to happen so fun at all,and one of the consequences of not being an alcohol which has nothing todo with booze. Is this idea that we're different and were unique and nobody'slike us? Then we come to a cos and ones, and we listen to people and say holyfucking Shit. That guys tell my story he's like in my brain and the onlyreason I work is because we're all fucking twins were like twins in here.You know. Otherwise we working me saying I don't know. I kind of wordthat guy was saying this is at what people come up to me. I I'll speak onof the convention ill, be it one on black white fat, skinny man, woman else,you're talking about me actually you're talking about me. Oh Yeah, you'retalking about Masin! No! Actually I was talking about me. You know what I mean,but that's the way we are you know we are. We are exactly we have thisalcoholic personality. We may do look differently, but the circumstance aredifferently, but it's all the same. Bullshit and the alcohol like it saysin the big book is really a symptom of it's just a symptom. It's just thething we use do not feel like a piece of shitbecause steak down inside, like par Menager, set alcohol, so men when Moout, destroy themselves because deep de deep down inside, we basically thinkwe're unworthy and we shouldn't be on the plan. We should blow our fuckingbrains now and I don't give a shit how great youthink you are and how great you want to tell me you are and what a great singeractor we you know deep down inside you know your piece of Shit and all you'redoing is try to make sure nobody finds out what a piece of shit fullybelonging piece of crap you are, which is why, by the way, if you everwondering why sometimes you'll lave went up inthe shower and all of a sudden, you hear this voice and says you're afucking lose you to kill yourself and you want. You look around the shout tosee who fucks talking O and there ain't nobody there that everhappened to you where you're driving along the minor on this that's, alas,said your fucking losers, you're never going to be okay and you look aroundthere's like nobody there, but you. That is because, let me tell you whatthat is. That's your reputation with you from you! That's what youreally think about yourself now, if you drink enough or you'll hor aroundenough or you watch TV or you go on the cell phone, you, if you distractyourself enough, the worldly shit that fucking voice may not come through it,but towards the end of the Dragon. Even the drinking can't stop that voice. Asa matter of fact, it gets even worse and here's the real problem. The realproblem is, then you find out that alcohol is our problem, because alcoholis the thing that worked the best. But then you find out that women work tooand sex work to and that money and cars were too when you found out everythingin this fucking world work too, and you find out you're a fucking world toHallin worldly clamors. You know, and you know, and then you start spendingmoney. You don't have to buy shit. You don't even need to impress people youdon't even like, because somehow, when you buy something that you do somethingyou change something you're like an if only or or yes butter you wake up everymon say, if only I had a new girlfriend I. Finally I had a new wife. If I onlyhad that red, if I only had a car, if I only had a job only had more money andyou run around looking to get that stuff and to stuff that you don't getit and then you finally get it and you're okay for like a nano second andthen it's a new Gal, it's a new car. It's an all cars, the new cars,everything like that's, run around and nothing works. And what's really bad isthen once you get it, you got to keep it and then, if you don't keep it ifthey come and get the car because you can't pay for it because you what so heso much other stuff to make you feel like you're fucking man, then you sitaround worried about what happens if they take my car, then anybody's. NowI'm going to take, they took my car down, I'm going to be Calles, I'm gonnabe homeless. I'm be this and they're all Goin, a nom of forty pieces of shit.I Ma El tell myself: what's the fucking you, you know what I mean and it goes around and around, and thisis without the drinking this is now without the drinking. Thisis just living on the planet. It's tough that you're an alcoholic. It'sjust living on the freaking planet, Earth and you're. Saying what's wrong me. Hesay: Go some doctor. He says he says...

...well chew. On de steps, tattis chew onthis Shit, you know what I mean I'll make. You feel better help you out andwhen the doctor says chew on this Shit Bunch of pop one of these things. Whathe he's really trying to say is this. Let me explain something with that.When the doctor gives you a pill, it says Cuantas. What he's really tryingto say is: Listen. I've been through a lot of school, I'mvery wise man. I got the pomes but e Tweet, as I have no idea what the fuckis wrong with you. But if you chew on this stuff, you knowwhat I mean it ain't going to fetch you, but they gonna keep you fucking. Quiteso I can work with some who has real problems. You know what I mean, so yoube very careful when the experts start telling you that your you, you havewhat you call Valiancie cy or an ex deficiency, and if you just chew onthis skit, it's just another form of something to I don't care whether it'sI don't care, whether it's I don't care with her Zan or whatever thehell they're pushing these days or make you wonderful. They have n't invent thehold to get till to give you integrity yeah, to make you a decent human beingor a decent father, yea or a decent hobbit husband or somebody who's loyal.They haven't invented that billion. So I don't know what the hell they'repushing on you, but the bottom line is ties. So then you do these staffs overand over again to hard times to good times to badtimes. Do whatever you're doing a guest, you do well you doing what you will andthen you do it and your doing and you it's like wax on wax of black on at ayou. Do these things and then before you know, you're doing it so much andyou're hanging around people. You find these people, I mean you know, there'sa lot of people in the, but ultimately you learned t the same well: People'sanonymous there's actually a lot of crazy fucking people in here. As amatter of fact, it's a precondition to come here. I told my sponsor. He saidwhy don't you help the hamster and Lord Carolino? I believe God I don't want tobe hypocrite. Staid too late. You mean hypocrite. Somebody who says somethingand does another thing says yeah you you already busted that before you gotto Apolis M, you know what I mean so the bottom line is you got you startlading in here for the first ten years, your sober, you're sober. you startlearning what the disease really is. It's something that lends in your hat:It's not the drinking which is such a symptom. We got a lot of symptoms andconsequences the real disease centers in your mind,not your body, it's not the the Drinkin. The realdisease is centers in your mind and the best word for it is you're insane and I know you're insane and a knowsyou're insane. You do had to understand you're insane and the today you reallycomprehend how fucking sick you are which may take about ten years, becausethe first step of getting out of jail is knowing you're in jail in the firstplace. The first step in knowing that you have an alcohol problem is havingan alcohol problem. Knowing you have an alcohol Bra, the first step, knowingthat you have a sex problem romance problem and gentlemen problem a Iunderstand you have that to understand: you're, crazy and you're as powerlessover that stuff. As you are over the alcohol, maybe more because it takeslong and the first ten years you spend time battling that shit. You know whatI mean you may get the additional a is in a great the wind, stop blowing I'mnot drinking, and everything like that. But I'll tell you something you say sofor ten years you can have some interesting experiences at threeo'clock in the morning. That's you got to find out a little bit about thisdisease. My first wife told me why my first wife told me when I came homedrunk for the tenser time at three o'clock in the morning. I love that alcoholist coming here asaid. Well, I want balance in my life here I have a wife, a little child, my wife Sho. I would I'm go to bardfour o'clock. The aftertone come on with the o'clock in the morning threefour o'clock in the morning. It was like nothing for me to spend twelvehours in a for with the wipin Cain. All I coming one day she comes out with mybeautiful wife. I down says I just want you know she wasn't sorry, fine, comehome, dropping more time on leaving them and she said like she was deliveringthe fucking mail. You know she wasn't starting fishes. I just want you nowsick of it married five years, come on...

...dumping with time, leaving him thatnight, I drive my car three blocks down the street, I'm a sober as I am rightnow. Physically, I'm away in the states stones office put some murder in jailor something like that, and I stopped the light, and I say I say this twelvewords. If you come home drunk one more time, I am leaving you twelve words. Nofattener. You come on drunk in with time. Leaving me. I stopped hard tolight, and I say this: What the fuck did she mean by that? Because one of the consequences ofalcoholism is when you hear something or somebody tells you something youdon't like a fucking confuses you. So when the judge says you know, I meanI mean judges say some Ti. Parents say something. So what the fuck is that an?I don't understand, I don't get it. I don't understand. Now you be sending atime for the first ten years to day. Is I don't understand? I don't I don'twhat the fuck you talking about. You know, I mean you, just don't get it andthat's a form of insanity. It says alcohol, selfishness, self, send tess,driven by hunter forms of fear or self the lute sole pollution with delusionwe step in tells of others. They retaliate, seemingly withoutprovocation. We've learned where we've made decisions the past based on self,which puts us in the position to be heard. So I asked my sponsor. Well,what exactly does that mean? He says? Well, it means Rus. It's actually. Youdon't do a shit about anybody. CEPT YOURSELF! I I I like the way they sayin the big book. Better, that's the truth! You don't give a shitabout any base yourself. All you do is think about yourself. How is this goingto affect me? That's all you can be shit about. You know and all you thinkabout it is how people are wrong. You threw all doing of others. Real did amatchin. You got a lot of Maginary shit going on it's like the twopsychiatrists and plus sometimes in the hall. Everyone says a lot. The otherone says what the fuck you mean by that you know what I mean it's like you gotall sorts of conspiracies going on in your mind. You know. Why do you look atme that way? Why didn't you pay attention to me? Why didn't say a lookat you, don't realize his father just thought. You have no idea, you don'tcare, because you're you're in a you're, a you're sitting there in bumping abumper traffic there's ten ZAND car, say at a fucking to me like you're, theonly one there you know and that's the whole world revolves around you. I toldmy spots or why says how you doing is at I'm doing trahis. Oh, you must begetting your own way. What the fuck is a you know an hourlater. I wasn't get my own way and I felt like Shit. I mean how do you saveyourself from a world where you have no control whatsoever? I'm like an antgoing on law going down a river. I could position myself a milimeter hereor there to get maybe less wet. That's what I do everyone's while those aroundthe curve and the merit rim and in the river, I think I'm steering the log youknow I'm like. Let's en I don't even know that I'll be alive an hour fromnow I'm driving along running, it's not a ninety percent of the stuff. When Ifirst came in I'm getting jammed because of my own decisions, but afterI coming here at some make de decisions I'm still getting jammed, because ninepercent in the shit that happens on the planet is pandemic, I mean who confined.You know. I did steps here. You know BC, you know before coved. You know. You know that before the apocopes nowwere the apocalypse, you know, and I mean who can you can't control shit?You got no control. You Know How r gonna be happy, joy andpray. How can be rocking fourth dimension existence. I go up to mysponsor. I say to my sponsor: I'm steamed because I'm sober three yearsand some guy just bounced the five any dollar check on and because he bouncedthe check on the eye bound for him, and I helped this guy out. You know what Imean and I am fucking thinking about him, I'm telling everybody I know aboutthis asshole, but I'm thinking about him. What I'm gonna do to him. A LaBlah, a dairy and my mind is completely clouded with this, as so doun the fivehundred dollar check. I had no control over that. You know that he did that.

So I'm telling everybody who listen tome about the five Nolla. You know that'll happen to you, it'll happen,maybe differently or something like that, and so I tell my sponsor about hesays yeah, I understand a as says. I know you've been talking about that.Everybody said you ha. That is so. Let me tell you, let me ask you something:How would you feel if for Ben Bothy and I look at them- and I say I don'tunderstand the question: What's the question, he says, how would you feelfor them body? I said what I don't. I don't understand the question. How would you feel if it didn't botheryou with a simple question I said with me: How would I feel the God, as five wdoll check on me, a yeah, but how man you feel with in body? How would I feel if it bother me andthat's the five hundred fucking dollar check on me? He says you, how would youfeel I Din Bodi? I said how would I feel if, if it didn't bother me that he douncethe five all change me so yeah? How would you feel for the bother you thatI base the pate a check on you? I said: Well, if it didn't bother me, I feelfine. He said there you going he walks away at e. What the fuck is that- and I run it peple and they're dying ofterminal cancer and they feel fine, and I went into other people where you knowthey just had a bad five minutes and a hangnail all they was you fucking aboutfor an hour to fucking Medi. I want Wel who do you want to be like, and then I got the second step and itsays, came to believe that a paragins lvescould restore society sounds pretty good and I don't even understand whatit means then, somewhere about twenty thirtyyears down the road. I realized wait, a second you can't be restored toSaturday unless you're, initially insane, because people who are saying don'thave to be restored to Saturday. So what they made must be saying this,I'm fucking nuts and what left of my own my own brain. If I stay in here andthen you start seeing people at ten years. In twenty years and thirty yearsand six months and nine months and fightee months drinking again, people are going thesame injure going through reading the same shit, you're reading, doing thesame stuff, you're doing and after ten years, they're drinking. Now Iunderstand this craving shit. I understand the J Walter Shit. I saidonce I have one I can't you know. I understand that because I was tablechips, I go through a bag, it's like unbelievable, but the bottom line is,is why would a person that goes to these meetings and here's everything you hear and Navyis even taking the first step? I don't know people say well, he obviously hasto take the first step. Don't tell me that some fucking guy has been thesober for ten years, hasn't taken the first step. Well, maybe maybe what the real problemis. Is He never really dealt with his alcoholism? He just joined the notdrinking alone. You know we got really two rooms inhere. We have not drinking tom where all they do is say just put the plug inthe drug don't drink and just go to meetings. You know and they thinkthey're okay, they don't have to do anything more. The Bible Self, I'm noton this shit, join the Trak. Now this shit cray fuck that Shit. I don't evenknow what I believe in God, all this God stuff and all Sun. You just don'tdrink, go to means for the blood of the Jug and you got a not drinking clubs.Great Little Club, you could say sober on that Peten Twenty thirty years youcan even tell yourself you're doing okay but les they give up ships abattalion than class, for you think, you're doing fine, and after the ten years you drink andthe reason you D N, you don't drink, pushes craving alcohol, your drink toget off the fucking rock, because you feel like a piece of shit and a loserand your restless serilly, because you never dealt with something called aholism because I'll tell you what the truth is: You're in the not drink, cluband you've got been rocking. The fourth dimension is of existence. You don'thave a you're, not emotionally sober you just visibly so, and you get awaywith that shit in here for a long time...

...and eventually catches up to you andmaybe you're lucky you don't you're. Just twenty years sober and you'remiserable you just miserable go through your fourth divorce. Go in on one other guy, one o the Gal.You Know Capture one other guy. I got this one's going to be okay, you knowwhatever it is you just going to just pound this thing into the pape and totry to fix things and put your nip olier and a yes butter. If I had this,if I had that and you can grab all that stuff and you gon try one more time tosee where the money will cure or sex OCURD or women cure to Portumuawhatever it is, and nothing seems to fucking worry once in a while. If you like, you, runinto one of these Eskimos and alcoholics anonymous. That seems to betalking about something that makes sense to you, but you have no idea howto fuck to do it. So I for that girond. You know you do that thing, so you dothese things over and over and over again he's like a little too. You knowlike well, it's like any. It's like anything if you're, a tennis pro allyou do is just start off playing against people. Then you play againstbetter people that better people in the hidden ball in the ball in volume, theball after ten, twenty thirty is becomes psychonomic. You turn your life with one wife overto God. You turn over to God have a thing: that's bothering it's beenbothering you for weeks. It's been bodily for days. All you can do isthink about the money, the woman, the car, the man, whatever the hell, youcan talk, think bout. Finally, at the end of the Rod whenit's killing you, you know you talk about it if somebody says put it in aGod box, but turn it over to God and you do it, how or you do it. You pray,go, say God, please don't want me think about the same. One shust drive mecrazy, you take it over, whatever happens happens, and somebody says thenext day. What happened that thing with Leslie, John, whatever the he ses like,turns it over I'm not en tink about anymore whatever's Goin to happenthey're on to leave they're going to come. Whatever is Goin to Hapen isgoing to happen. I've no control over and it's gone. It only took you two orthree weeks to do that. Then, next time it comes out. It takesyou, you know it's two or three years later, you sort of remember what youdid. you run around all on the plane and then what happens to you? If you doit you? Finally, after two or three or four, as you turn over to God, feel better go on to I and three orfour years later it now. Something else happens. The is right! You letter,what's going to happen in Muslim O, my solving I'm going to go to jail oncoming after me, Blah Blah Blah- and you say I don't know- I'm no. I turnedover to God I'll get them law I'll. Do something like that. Whatever is gonnahapet go a happen, I got no or control it. It takes you about twenty fourhours. You turn of you, then about twenty one years orsomething like that. Something happens and you're upset about for that an houror so you know what I mean. I say what a I'm not gonna be to do anything. I'Mgonna turn over to God. Whatever God wants to that's the deal, and maybe youget some advice or Responso and your follows advice and then you let therest go to a meeting, and you don't even even talk about you know be is nota big. You know you turned it over and then you got about thirty yearssobriety and something happens and and something happens, and you seesomething happen. You said about tain and it's like a minute. Maybe you turned itover to this and then you have forty years rite andthen something happens. It something big happens and, and you don't notice it you don't notice it just you not setaeis just something. Have it aint no big deal because you live in a turned overline and somebody asked you do you do thesteps? As I don't really do the stuff? I do the Sons I love the stems. I always send people, I don't getpissed, I don't get angry. I mean I, I sayingit's perfect, you know what I mean. You know you don't get angry, you don'thang on danger, you don't come through all the fucking bullshit. You got to gothrough the TUR over and to do this and...

...you do that. You know why, because youchanged you gone through that psychic change that they talked about the book.I said ideas, emotions and atitudes, and the driving force of these men'slives or push to one side and they become dominated by only set of ideas,emotions and attitudes, and they said and well one said to the O. Young Tommysaid it's a God thing. It's a second change to re won, you start realizing.The promises in the life lose fair people that can have in security. Yougot to Matins. Instead of people say we, you do men say well, I'm not ready,which is Cote from scared. You, just as you do something you just do it. Youdon't necessarily have to prepare for medians. You just go to means you justbe yourself and talk about your experience, strength it up, and you saywhatever you going to say, and you don't worry about it. They don't likeyou, they like you, you can talk about God or giving your life to Jesus. Itdon't matter if they get visited, not because your self esteem and who youare, and what you are doesn't depend upon, whether the guy in the front rowor see some boy. What's not paying your Dese Bill, thinks about you. You walksout the room, because your life is no longer a life as where you will youthink of yourself depending upon what you think, other people think about you.You don't even worry about what other people are thinking about. You clearlyare on what other people think and then you can be yourself, which is prettygood, because I'm better at being myself than anybody else and I used to live a life being otherpeople being the person you wanted me to be wife busy wanted me to be, andyou get bad me. I try to stop so wait a second look at it. You don't understand.I'm not like that. You do understand what I know. I know you think you knowbe, but I was just trying to do this that you know I was just trying to youknow. I'm really like this. You know I'm trying to figure out who the fuckyou really are, and some guy comes up and says: If youdon't know who you are what you are while you're on the planet by the timeyou reach thirty years old, you on be fucking, goofy goin be one crazy person. I had no ideawhat my person purpose for life was. I thought it was the nail women or getcars or get money or shit like that, and I was one sorry son of the Bitch and so I'm seventy years of age, self,Supplin O my own contributions got eight granted well, seven grandkidseighth ones on its way and for James and raised in me- and this is my wife trying to like billwasn't said. The Lord has been so monf to make care of me of this tubless. Igotta keep by Faring this message and tell other people about this deal, and so, when I say I don't do the steps.I just live my life, and I talked about my experiences straight and hope, andwhat's going on myself and I'm going to tell you something when I'm on m gonnatell you something about my life and my experience just remember this one man,I woah experience me to man with money. Mabille experience will walk away withthe money in the mail with the money will wataveta experience. I can tellyou this: Whatever I tell you about my life, any story of my life, anythingthat has to do in my life because all our stories, which disclose in generalway what we used to be like what all our stories have been betted into him,all the steps and our victory over alcohol and over alcoholism. If I tellyou a story of my life, I can tell you within that story is all about steps,one through twelve, all the values we talked about in here, and it's aboutalcoholism and the disease of alcoholism. And it's about victory overthat, since I have no other stories in that, you know why, because I'm analcoholic so any story, that's ever happened inmy fucking life from having catchin twice with having money problems, ritebout, any story, I tell you, I promise you it'll be about alcoholism, it'll,be about not drinking a victory out with drinking victory over hatingDickory, oversaw penny victory over feels. Sorry for yourself, youunderstand what I'm saying and you all have to do with every fucking step andyou're going to have to figure out what fucking step that was and for some guyin the back over there has got twenty years he's going to say: that's thefucking head stuff, another guy says that's the fucking first day and youknow w a T. whatever you get out of this thing is going to have nothing todo with what I say. It's Gon Na HAP Ye have to do with.What's going on side of you...

...and if you decide that you an thisyou're an alcohol- and you say this guy's full of Shit, then you won't getanything on it. You'll be fine. That will be open to and you can do with a lot of. But Ihear a lot of people. Do you come up to me? Eight years downside I used to hateyou now. I love me because he was saying Shit and I didn'twant to hear it. You know I didn't like what you weresaying, but just remember, whenever your whenever be you're upset no matter what the cause is something wrong with you. So if I upset you, that's a good thingas a matter of fact, if twenty five percent of people lead the roar pistola little bit about what I said a literd by it for the way, I say I feel likeI'm a failure. I haven't said anything because I'm not here necessarily makeyou feel good Y, my best teachers and a were peoplewhen I left him my said, I hate that fucking Guy Promise. He left the room when he wasfelling. Five didn't bother him at all. was driving me crazy and my problem is,is an alcoholic. I got forgot why he drive me crazy and then figure it outand look at it and then try to forgive them, because it was driving me becauseI'm the one what's going to drink and that's the deal. So what was that about? The first timeis that it was that about palace. Thus over alcohol is that about powises ofalcoholism. You're on have to make the choicebetween alcohol, you're gonna put the choice between God and the money inyour life. You will have to make choice between God and mine. You'll have tomake a choice between God and Romance. You'll have to make a choice. Can Godand get in Lad? You got to make a choice, be God and a lot of things. Youknow you not make those choices all on the way and whether you stay sobered.What kind of man or woman you're going to be is depending on what choice youmean, that's good depend on who you hanging out with and what books youreading. What books you read to in depend upon the people hang out, that'sgoing to be the bottom line. You may not understand that now, but I can tellyou so this six months or a year and ten years from now, you understand it and if you drink five years from now,it's not because you con be able to say something people. Nobody explained thisto me. I was never tall, it's going to be because you never really werewilling to come to the truth of what your fucking problem was, because youjust wanted to stop drinking, and let that thing her in that do whatever thefuck you want to do in your life. You didn't want to hear anything about God,which is the whole meetin the whole deal, and don't you believe for a secondthese guys that tell you your well meaning lot of stuff do with it. Don'tworry about the God thing. We shouldn't worry about that thing, but don'tbelieve that God is it he's the central fact in our lives. If you real dependson what you want forty years, a contented sobriety, you know you want to I'll. Tell youwhat the book says you want to have remarkable things happen to you. You know it says about everything mustget in the apples. We must start stick. It kills. US, God makes that possibleonce you nainse decision for him also remarkl things that you all Pauli givesus everything e. If we stay close to IMPENSA close to him and do his work.Well, so don't you believe some God says God has not do with it. He is theonly thing that is everything to do with it. You know what I mean youdecide whether or not you're going to you know. Listen your perfectly capleof San Le that guy's full of Shit and walk in out say I'm not going to do it.They been like that, and I can tell you this. Every decision you make will havepotpan six months a year, two years, five years to down the road and whenyou drink again you drunk again you wind up in jail and you're all fucked.Up Again, you can you'll remember this conversation now they'll be telling people that hedoesn't worry just temp people that you think a worse, but you probably neverdid it. You know what I mean because you were you had the chief actors ofthe all that calls you're, just the defiance some of the ditch. You knowthis is all about surrender and it's not even the first end of the moves.It's the render of the Penis Surrenden it surrendered about the sex line itsurrendered at the Romance. It's read about all that idealistic Shit that youthink is the most important thing in your life that you can't get rid of,because your whole self esteem is based...

...on who's on your arm. You know, I meanwhether you have a girlfriend or you have a boyfriend with you, marriedyou're single when you have kids your house. Your whole life depends uponthat shit and that stuff will ruin. Your ass it'll ruin your ass, and you know why.I know that I'm not worried about any of this shit because I've, seventyyears old, have been sober for you know over forty years, and I know here's thegood news. I know I'm absolutely one hundred percent right because I livedthe fucking thing, the sang a theory with me: I've watched them go on adrank. I've sponsored the hundreds of people. I know what the deal is. I don't give a shit with you believe meenough. Just live your life and have a good time. You know, I know what you'reup. I know the world ain't going to change for you. I know the cops are still going to stopyou and give you pitch ten tickets. I know you're going to still get flattires. I know you don't get fired from the job. I know you're going to havehealth problems. I know a SOT, a ship, it's going to rain upon you everyasingle day. I know you're not going to have a daythat goes by where some sort of bullshit is not going to go your way,and sometimes I'm really evil shit is going to happen and I know you'reeither gonna be a thumb, sucking fucking cry, baby or you're going togrow up and man up and be a fucking man. I know how this thing's going to workfor you and I'm just letting you know. So whenit happens. You could say this. Is this shit that his God was talking about? Soyou have to be, you don't have to panic, you don't have to panic. I say. Oh, myGod is not working. Oh my God. I think I'm a this is o. You can say m. This isthe fucking. Yet this is what you know. They come up to me and they talk in meat three. I suppose. Congratulations is what the three years feels like.Congratulations is like this. What a hundred things feels you know, I'mgoing tion! That's what it feels like. That's what you're about that's a realdisease when you state that used to drink! That's how you chase title you, neverespaced, alcoholism, a old stone, friends! AVOLSO! Then experience drunkit's different. I follow some rears and suddenly head it's ten miles down theroad. You say I need a fucking drink and you drink in it away. You don'tdrink and you don't use you experience something called alcoholism. YouExploit Ou, you! You experience your thinking, you know you just make sure whatever you do donot use your brain. I just on your dog use your brain. Youdon't really need your brain well, when you have to go to bathroom, you go tothe bathroom right right when you're hungly eat right.When you tired your sleep right, so you can Shet, I go at Eito can eatand you notice it right. Any thinking outside of that isdangerous, dangerous and even the sleeping part ofthing, because you might have this, I teson listen to your tirer. Go to sleep, you're hung you might your PA, you maycome s spot say also this thing he may say how much sleep did you get list? Ijust what does that a do it? I don't want how much I two hours o go home andget some set. You noot even put together that thinking or he in I'm noteven hungry, go get some. You know what I mean. That's, how serious is this is you know, you'll, think you're goingyour schizophrenic and you're going crazy and you just need a piece oftoast. You know you be Goin to psychist and all you need is like a hard boilday. You know, okay, I said I'm done.

In-Stream Audio Search

NEW

Search across all episodes within this podcast

Episodes (92)