AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 5 · 2 years ago

Russell S - Serenity or Worry @ West Dixie Club 2019-2020 #8

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

...that. I'm Oh, so Ihad to confiscate a big book. I don't want anybody checking up on me. Let me just look at this thing for a second because I think Iwant to talk about something that has some do with something in this book.Where the promises and I know what where the promises? Thought it was inhere. It is we are painstaking about this phase of our development. Ihate words like painstaking. It's like thoroughly painstaking. It's like we are painstakingabout this phase of our development. This is like in the round, theninth step or something like that. Paint stay. That means you've already beenthrough the sixth step where you give up sex. Right, quit that pornI know, I know all about you. You know it's been taught. Youknow. I mean, it's disgusting already. I'm not even going tomention that shit and an a meeting because it gets people upset because they startthinking I'm meddling with stuff that I shouldn't be talking about. Well then theyshouldn't have put that six step in the book. That think about giving upall the other shit being coming entirely. I became entirely ready to give upalcohol on December twenty five nineteen eighty one, and I actually gave up alcohol onJanuary two nineteen. Know, the summer twenty five nineteen eighty I becameentirely ready to give up the alcohol and I actually gave up the alcohol inJanuary twenty nineteen eighty one. The sex not so fast, you know,the the coveting what other people had, the worrying about money, all otherstuff. That's a longer deal. I Jerry. WHERE'S JERRY? There is. So Jerry came up to me. He's been around twenty years, right. so He's been following around for twenty years. And and he said,you know, he said, because he's you got twenty. You Got Twentyyears now, right. So he said yeah, so I he said tome, and I'm going to paraphrase, I much. He said. Youknow, he talked about having twenty years. I said it's different, isn't it? He says, yeah, it's different. He said, I understandit. said it's a whole different deal, isn't he said? Yeah, hesays, he says. You know, I tell them in a rooms andI tell people, I probably mentioned it here, where I'll say tosomebody they'll say they'll have six or seven years that we worried about something.I said, I don't worry, you'll be okay in fifteen years and theysort of laugh. It's like a nervous laugh, but it's true. Right, it's a whole different deal. Right, you don't even remember the you know, I'm really it's, you know, really sobriety at you know, youknow, fifteen years, sixteen, seventeen years and less than that isdifferent than after twenty. Oh, so, I'm see, you know, justis. You know, I'm not trying to hurt anybody's feelings. Andyou know that part of the big book. But they say, what is it? What is it? They say they do not be discouraged. Youknow, anybody read that probably would say do not be discouraged. No oneamong US been able to maintain anything like perfect hand these principles. You knowthat part. They say in the big book that's to help people with lessthan twenty years. Doesn't it help? You used to help me help.It's tremendous. It's tremendous. You know, when you got fifteen years and you'refucking crazy and you want to suck on the the butt of the muscleof a gun and everything's gone to shit. And you've been doing this thing forlike fifteen years and you've been doing it by the numbers and you doingit hard and you still you're still you still have problems with the promises.They're not completely coming true and every like that you want to kill yourself.And then you read that part. Do not be discouraged. No one amongus in all since say, Oh, thank God, makes me feel sogood. I don't have to kill myself. You know, there's nothing wrong here. I don't have to panic. Nobody's got this thing down. Youknow what I mean? Then you get, you know, two thousand and twentyfive years, and you start, you start realizing why all those guysthat used to look up to that had thirty years and everything that you wantedwhat they had. You start realizing what they had. This is really wild. I mean you have to stay around...

...two thousand and twenty five years toget this crap. Well, so here, here it is. If we're painting, so the painstaking part, the paints that the thoroughly really have seena person pillows thoroughly followed our path. So when I when I first cameday, I was with my sponsor one day and I wasn't doing well.I was, you know, sometimes when you're anybody ever had any anxiety?Listen, you know, let me tell you something. I'm going to talktonight about serenity. About Serenity, okay, among other things, freedom from fear. So worried. In the big book it says fear. It's thecorrosive thread that's runs through our life. After you get rid of the alcohol, which isn't even the problem, I mean it becomes the problem. Sure, it's the problem. It's a big deal. I understand. You.Have you if you haven't had a drink, I'll tell you what my sponsor youwould say. If you haven't had a drink, if you haven't hada drink, if you've done everything wrong and screwed up and you you haven'thad a drink, that the whole day. Let me tell you something. You'rean alcohol you're a success. Used to say that to me. Wow, it made me feel so good because I was such a fuck up andI was so crazy. You know what, man, there is Shit you tellnewcomers. You just gather up this crap. They teach you what youknow. You know, they got a building somewhere in the CIA, youknow, where all old sponsors go to, and they learn all these shit youcan tell newcomers. It just fixes them like that, like no psychiatry, you know. I mean it's just because you know exactly what they're goingto something to go use this debut. I'm going nuts. I just killedfifteen rabbis at a priest then, you know, raped the cat and everythinglike that. I'm going to kill myself. You say, Hey, have youhad a drink today? Well, no, I haven't a drink.Hey, you're a success. Holy Shit, I'm like walking on air, youknow what I mean. Unbelievable, the stuff we are able to youknow, the stuff we're able to tell new comings to make them feel likethey don't have to kill themselves, you know, and they could just getthrough the first twenty year. You can just got to do the first fifteentwenty years. You know what I mean. God like mining for gold. I'lltell you. But so the deal is so so worried is fear.If you ever find yourself worrying about anything, that's fear. Anxiety is fear.is worried. It's different words for worry. I mean, I've hadalcohol. I I'm an alcoholic, so I know what it's like to worryabout shit. I noticed like to be scared. I know it's like that. Anxiety, high anxiety. Have high anxiety, not low anxiety. Butyou know, I've had alcoholics. You know, when you sponsor a lotof people, been around for a long time, you you you get tolisten to alcoholics. You get to listen. You know, initially I got tolisten to myself, if I was even talking her, but it's fine. But later on in life, as you sponsor people, you get tolisten to alcoholics. So you get to actually, I mean when you stardthe first ten years worrying about yourself and worry about your feelings, when you'reso worried about yourself and your feelings, you don't really have a lot oftime to listen to other people, nor are you really, quite frankly,interested. You know what I mean. I mean seriously, you know Imean. I got my own fucking problems. Yeah, I mean I will,and I'll make me feel good and I'll try to sponsor people and stopsleep from committing suicide. But realist face, I'm more worried about myself. Butas time goes by, you actually and you lose the fear, youlose the fear of people interact knocking and you lose all that stuff. Allthat stuff goes by the wayside. I know you don't believe that, butit's true. I mean it's not. I you know my grandmother's you setused to say don't put the kind of her on it. As Mbay.You ever had a grandmother who said that? You know that. That meant don'tput the curse on it. Don't put the curse on it, rightlike you say, well, I don't have. Yeah, Donna, Idon't have I don't know, fearing. You didn't want to say that becausethen all of a sudden God will strike you dead and you'll get the fear. You know what I mean to do that. But but the truth ofthe matter is, I mean, if I have to be truthful, itit goes, it goes. I mean, I'm I might as well tell youthe truth. The book is not lying. I want to tell youthis is this is not a lie. There is concrete underneath those lily pads. I mean I want to tell you...

...something. When they say in thepromises, let me read it. If we are painstaking. Wouldn't be betterif it just said, well, if you just do this halfass, youknow what do they say? Half Measures of Elis what you go. Well, are they lying or are they telling the truth? HMM, unless we'rewhen we give up our old ideas, the result was what? Right?Well, they line or tell you like the big book on You, likeyou read this Shit Right, you read that? Stop, you don't believeit, do you? You don't believe it. You don't believe half lectionsa Vailue you nothing. Well, depends on what the your definition of nothingis. If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we willbe amazed. Before we halfway through, we are going to know a newfreedom and a new happiness. You don't even know what that is, becauseit's brand new. I don't whatever you think it is. It Ain't whatyou think it is. It's a different deal. We will not regret thepast on which to shut the doornet. We will comprehend the word serenity andwe will know peace, no matter how far down the scale we have gone. We will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessnessand self pity will disappear. Holy Shit, really, we will lose interest inselfish things gain interest in our fellows. SELFSEEKING will slip away. Man,it's I Havn't read this a long time. This is really moving stuff. It's serious. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fearof people, in econotic insecurity will leave us, will interfely know how tohandle situations with us, to baffle us. Will will realize, suddenly realize Godis doing for us what we can't do for ourselves. It's pretty powerfulshit. You know, they read this at a lot of do they readthis at the end of this meeting? That's how impressed alcoholics are with thisdeal. They read it all the time. Hey, listen, you know,would be cool if it was true. I mean serious, don't you thinkthat would be? What do you think? Well, if it wastrue, would never be something else. Yes, you know, when Iwas nine years sober and I was doing this thing about the numbers. Imean I'm not saying I was perfect, but I was reading the big bookback as far. I was reading the twelve and twelve, I was readingthe buy, I was going to Bible Study, I was reading talk aboutthe good old timers, sponsoring people, going out doing steps. There he'sdoing this thing. I was stark, raving, sober. Nine years sober, I was broke again. You know what I mean? Because I havethis had this tendency to, you know, spend money I didn't have on Shit. I didn't need to impress people, I didn't like and live a highlifestyle. And I mean I made a lot of money, but apparentlyI learned this attend nine or ten years old. My my sponsor told mewhen you spend more money that I because I didn't understand why I was alwaysgoing broke. And somebody, sponsor, told me when you spend more moneythan you make, you go in to debt. Did you know that?See, you guys are farther, much more mature and intelligent than I was. Okay, and so. So, if you've ever had money problems,it's because you're spending more money than you make. You know. And sohe used to say, I can solve the problem. He said, youknow he said. He said earn more or spend less. I want toknow what option three was. You see, the drinking went nine years before,but the spending didn't go. And in the coveting things that I needed. I thought I needed my life to make myself happy. That didn't go. The Romance did all the other Shit that got me in trouble that Iused to assuage the alcoholism, which sets it in my mind, not mybottom. Everything else I used on the planet to make myself feel like Iwasn't a useless, worthless piece of crap.

That didn't go. Didn't go atall. As matter fact, if I was an a means most ofpeople are having problems. We talk about that stuff. When I was inthe movies and watching all the movie stars every it was all about that stuff. When I went home with twenty four hour seven, they were all talkingabout that stuff, getting that stuff, having that stuff. Billionaires, millionaires, cars, you know, Mediterranean cruises, travel and everything. The whole worldwas about that stuff. You know, one of the things that said inthe Bible, one of my favorite lines, is said by Jesus.He said in this world. Who saying this to us? The sublisists?In this world, you will have problems, but be of good cheer. Ihave overcome the world. I have. Well, I wonder what it's liketo overcome the world. You know, you're either going to overcome the worldor the world's going to overcome you. You know why people have problems inalcoholics anonymous? Because the world overcomes them. Past Paul said, I'velearned to be content in all things. I've been poor, I'm okay.I've been rich, I'm okay. It doesn't matter what my circumstances are becauseinside, inside, I have equitim any inside I have piece. You know, because remember what Bill Wilson said when he drank again. Remember what hesaid cause them to drink again. He didn't say somebody smashed the bottle overIsa, he said this is what he said. He said worldly clamors insideof me drove me back. You See, you can stop drinking and you thinkyou've resolved the disease. You haven't resolved shit. You have a resolvedshit. All you've done is the disease now goes undercover and looks. Itlooks like sex, it looks like security, it looks like cars, it lookslike it looks like everything you worry about, everything you Jones about,or you think you know. Your Jones in for a drive, everything youdesire that you think you absolutely have to have, or don't want to losein order to feel like a woman, like a man, like you're nota piece of shit that goes on for a long time. You can livea life a quiet desperation in here, sober, not drinking, under thedelusion that by just not drinking you're resolving something, and you are. Youknow, let's face it. I mean, you're not going to kill somebody drunkdriving and you're not going to be arrested for the UI, but youwon't be happy. You know, when people go out and they drink againafter many years sobriety, or maybe just a few years surpriety. They're notdrinking again because they're craving alcohol. You know, I mean I know whatthe craven is. You start drinking, you start a crave. You can'tthat the moment before they drink. They're sober, not craving alcohol. They'rejust craving anything to feel better, because the women ain't working in the romance, ain't working in the sex, ain't working in the car, ain't working, and this ain't working and that ain't working. In the world has they'renot overcoming the world. The world has overcome them. They haven't hit thatescape velocity. You know that we talked about last week, where where somehowyou reach a point in here where you know you fire a rocket up intothe air, if it doesn't go fast enough and escape the Gravit hoos froma pull of the earth, it'll fall backwards. You could be high flyingfor a year or two or three or five or thirty or whatever it is, and somehow you get to a point where the world's the world and it'sclamors start pulling your ass back. You know, in the book it says. They say it many different ways in the book, they say in thevision for you, they say here and there once in a while. Andnow Cooholk, a guy that's been sober...

...for will, says I feel better, I look better, I'm having a better time said. We laugh atthat Shit. We know he's going to try the old game again because he'snot happy with his sobriety. Soon he'll know loneliness, is few do.And why isn't he happy with his sobriety? He's not happy with sobriety because hestill has the disease, the DIS ease, and the truth is justnot drinking is just not enough, because the real disease that centers in mind, not his body, which has to do with the crap that you don'twant me to talk about, you know, and that nobody really ever talks aboutan a anyway, they don't talk about any they don't talk about thestuff, do they? You know? I mean I've been to a lotof means. They're not talking about sex, and they're not. They'll gloss overit. They'll do it like a thirty second. You know they're nottalking about it because it's all in the book. It's all in the twelveand twelve. There's no reason why we shouldn't talk about it. But they'renot talking about the things that are really disturbing you. You're not talking aboutthe money or the sex or the romance. Or they're not telling me that stuffbecause, you know, people, I'll also be pissed off. ThenI'm upset. You know, if you talk to an alcoholic, that's youknow, it's WHO's not entirely ready to give out, WHO's not entirely readyto give up everything else and to grow in the image and likeness of hiscreator, which is really perfection, and give up all the other if you'retalking to somebody who hasn't hit that point or experience that point or done thatpoint yet. They react to a talk like that the way you would reactto a talk about somebody telling you to stop drinking before you're ready to stopdrinking. You remember how you reacted to somebody who tried to talk to youabout your drinking problem before you ready to acknowledge how to drinking problem. Youknow, it was like, you know, fuck you. You know. That'sthe way alcoholics before they get, and not everybody becomes, entirely readyto give up this stuff. Listen, I hope I'm not I shouldn't sayI hope. I mean I'm really saying I know, but I mean Ihope. I don't want to be saying stuff that's not in the book.Alcoholics, anonymous or not, in the twelve and twelve. But I'll tellyou what I think. If you look at the six step in the twelveand twelve, and I think you look at the seventh step in all thesesteps and everything of they're talking about in the book, I think you'll seethat I'm pretty much talking about what this thing is all about. After youstop drinking. I mean, listen, after the first couple of chapters inthe big book. It's never about drinking anymore, is it? What isit? That like more about alcoholism? And then you got bill story andsomething else. I mean there's a solution. They talked about the booze part,right. But after that you get into chapter you, chapter you knowfor about the God thing. You get in chapter five, in six,seven, you go all the way up there, and talking about drinking anymore. Right, telling about the stuff, the worldly clamors, the being onthe new basis, the basis of love and God, the basis of makingGod the central fact of your life. They talking about when this a mybeing rocking forth my jo existence. They said, here's the here's the greatfactors, this nothing less. Place your life upon God, make him thecreator, may make the creative the main deal in your life. You know, we know that easily. He's alive and well and lives in our hearts. We're absolutely certainly they're talking about that stuff. They're talking about selfishness,self centeredness. Selfish is what's more selfish than wanting to grab everything you thinkyou have to have, screw everybody else to make you happy? What's moreselfish than that? What's more selfish and sitting around thinking about what you needand what you need to have and what you have to have and how peoplehave to live and how they should treat you and everything, thinking about yourselfall the time, what you have, like you don't have. What's moreselfish than that? You know what it says about that stuff. It says, above everything, we must get rid of the selfishness. How can youget rid of the selfish is the first problem, the first I can promiseyou. I didn't have a clue. I didn't have a clue. Really, that's what this disease was all about. For the first fifteen years I wasso maybe the first twenty. It's not that I didn't know anything.I mean I was doing meetings and step series like this. But you know, the kind of step series I was doing, and I'm not putting itdown, was this is how you do...

...the fourth step and this is howyou do the fist step and this is how I did my eight step,is how I did my nine step, and I'd actually talked about like thenuts and bolts of the steps. You know, when there's nothing wrong withthat, is a good thing and everything like that. And but but Iwasn't getting deeper into the disease and what the real problem was. You understandwhat I'm saying. I didn't really see the selfishness. The first step ingetting out of jail is you got to know you're in jail in the firstplace. I didn't even understand. I didn't really think of myself honestly,even though I've done the fourth step in the eight step and all those stepsand everything, and I saw. You know, if I didn't really thinkof myself as selfish, I didn't really see the disease. I didn't seethe disease. I didn't think of myself as evil or selfish. I didn'tsee the disease because, because when you're living in the DIS ease, youcan't see the disease. When you hate, you can't see hey, you justcan't see it. When you're lust and you crave and you want andyou have that, you don't see it like it's a problem right. Youjust don't see it. It's just the way you are. Then, quitefrankly, you know, in this world you don't feel or see anything differentthan anybody else should see in this world. It's only when once in a bluemoon even in a this could happen you run into somebody that's not livingit, living that way, the column elder states, and when you runinto like a sponsor something who isn't focused on that stuff. I talked aboutAl Kennedy, because he's a good example. You know who was. I heardspeak one day and and he was and he was dying. He hadsix months to live and he didn't even mention it. He was trying tohelp other people. It's not until you run into people that are that havereached the scape velocity and have become entirely ready, that you realize that thereare people that you realize that the promises are true. They promises are true, permit, the permanent promises are true. I don't want to put the kindof her on it. I'm not. I'm not saying it's the kind ofthing like I never have a bad moment or anything like that, andyou know, because I would be a lie, you know, just butyou know, I mean, this's a big difference between, you know,twice a week having a bad moment for, you know, three minutes, andthe Shit I'm talking about and the alcoholism, the kind of alcoholism I'mtalking about the kind of fear, the gross of fear, the worried,the obsessive fear that I'm talking about, which I know to be alcoholism.I don't suffer from that stuff anymore, having for years the self pity anymore. Listen, I remember, I use can I explain it this way?And I remember, nine years sober, saying when am I going to getthis? When am I gonna lose fear of economic insecurity? When am Igoing to be rich? When am I going to have you know, Iremember asking, I joke about this is a true story. I would atnine year surprity. I said a real key. What am I going tolose fear of or am I going to be rich? When are we gonnahave economic consecurity? Looked at me like what's crazy? And it says itright in the book. He says, he says, he says, whatare you talking about? I said the promise. If you're I'm to losethe fear of reconnot been security. That's a good fear, you know.You know, money's not a big deals, just right up there with oxygen.You know, we're spiritual. I'm spiritual, not religion, and it'snot an interesting deal. The big book of Alcoholics Anonymous says we lose allprejudice, even against organized religion. Right we begin to see where religious peopleare right. Is Not what the big book says. The fellowship of alcoholicsanonymous says. The fellowship says we're spiritual, not religious. Think about that fora second. Well, the big book is pure a. The fellowshipis millions of alcoholics that really don't want...

...to do this shit and most ofthem are going to drink that come up with shit to tell make them feelgood about not doing this shit. You understand what I'm saying. So youyeah, I know. Really you want to, really, you want toreally understand that most of the people in alcoholics anonymous do not have over thirtyyears. Most of the people in alcoholics anonymous are made up of people thathave ten years or less and they'd rather not do this stuff. When Isay they'd rather not do this stuff, I mean it's I'm not putting himdown, I mean I was like that too. For further you want to. You want to. I know the kind of program you have, thekind of programming I have, the kind of program we all have, whereyou're going to do everything that you need to do, except for the shityou don't want to do. I get that. I understand that. Iget that that you've got pissed off at people to tell you need to dosomething or you should do something that you don't want to do. You don'twant to do that stuff. So so the bottom line is, if youhave a big book, that encourages church membership, because you have to getto the point where you you develop a relationship with God where it's so,so concrete and it's so real to you, and improve that relationship, the consciouscontact with God. You've got to develop that relationship so hard on theeleventh step so that you're able to cast all your route worries about upon him. We used to have a saying, at saying in a we call.Maybe they still have it, I haven't heard. We I turned it overfor years. I'd have to go through all sorts of hell to like turnit all. I'd be worried about something, I'd be worried about something, I'dbe worried about something, and then finally we get so bad and therewas nothing I could do. But yet you know why we were let metell you something about fear. Anybody ever worry about something that they can stopworrying about? You ever worry about something you can't stop worrying about? Maybethat phone call that you're looking for? Forward to get it, so yourun out every five seconds. It was at a boyfriend or what? It'sa what a? What a hot line? What about? Are you on thehot line? You're on service. Will God bless you. Good foryou good. What's your name? DEBRAH EMMA. Listen, I'm proud ofyou. That's great. I was on the a hotline for eight years.You know, I was eight years. If you called up a every anyFriday night tow in the hours of like eleven to eight, and when doyou get me? That's why nobody got soldiers had. Some guy called meup and you said, you know, I am a drunk, come outhere, he says. How you have where are you? Tell me whereI was as well. You're only like a mall away mothered away from thea room, from the detox. If you walk down the street this wayand go left, you'll get there. Just you're not going to pick meon. I said a taxi cab company. You know what I mean. That'snot the way they do it in Connecticut. You know, I said. I said, said, what's your name? I said Russell's rugs.All what I said some Russell. They know who. I said. You'renot going to complain about me. I'd hate to lose this job. Ididn't. I want to tell them my had eight years. You know,I am eight years doing it because nobody else wanted then when I had onenurse call up one night and she was at a PhD in nursing. Youget this gin. She says, listen, he says, I got a yoursobriety. I've got a little child, I'm a single brother, got aPhD Indurstany says, I'm a little concerned. He says because I starteddrinking again. And I said I need your help and and and there's onlyone thing. I don't want to hear anything about alcoholics. Anonymous. AndI said, well, look, there's just one problem. It's just twoproblems, I said. He says, well, what's size is? Well, number one, I said, you know, I'm five years sober andI'm sober through the fellowship of alcoholics anonymous. I said that's how I stay sober, through alcoholics anonymous. So I don't know what plan be is.You understand? It. Says, yeah, this is what's the second problem,says you called alcohols and this is...

...a serious fucking disease. Let metell you something, it's Seria. Well, where was I before? EMMA DISTURBME? You know, chatter or idol chatter, you know what Imean. So so in anyway. So here's the deal. I want totalk a little. I want to talk about the serenity stuff and everything likethat. So so I can remember times. I can absolutely you know, I'vetold you that story already. I'm not going to repeat again that storyabout where my sponsor said it nothing nine or ten years he said, you'reupset because you're upsetable stuff and everything like that. You're upset because not ofthe thing you think you're upset about. Your upset because the things of thisworld upset you. You're an alcoholic. You're you know, your restless,you're irritable, Isis, you're a you're a resentment and a fear waiting tohappen. You know you may not yet listen. You have only one problem. You used to get in trouble and have also should happen to you becauseyou were drinking, he says. Now you have a lot of crap happeningto because you happen to be breathing as long as you're on this planet.Because the way you are, shit everything's going to upset you. You know, it's not a thing in this world that won't upset you or get youpissed off. It's that's your problemise so well, how do you solve that? That's the drastic psychic personality change, you know. So here's the deal. I can think. What I can think of is many, many timesin the past, during the first fifteen, twenty years, when I would beworried about shit, worried about money, worried about the rent, worried aboutthe moryage, worried about my wife, worry about the kids, worry aboutboss, worrybout I can think of so many times I'd be worried,and it's the kind of worried where you're up at three o'clock in the morningworrying about the same thing that you've been worried about for three, three days. You know, and and and you, you're not stupid. You realize thatno matter how much you worry about money, it doesn't change your bankaccount balance. You ever noticed that when you worry about money, it doesn'tput more money in the bank? You ever you ever noticed that when youworry about a relationship, it doesn't make the relationship better? Or you're worriedabout a person, doesn't change the person? But I think, I think,let me, let me, I may be wrong about this, Iwas just thinking about this the other day and and this is what this iswhat I'm telling you now is something that I think now that's come upon methat I would never think content. I think that in that that that myproblem is is that somehow, some way, I have this delusion that if Ireally worry about something for a long period, it's if I really worryabout something, it'll protect me from the thing happening. Does that make anysense? Like if I really worry about a person, the doing this ordoing that and will sort of protect and here's the deal. And if Istop worrying about that, then I'm really going to be fucked. Johnstone.I'm saying because somehow worried for me, I must do it because it doessomething for me. It must do something for me. But but like alcohol, I can't say, I can't stop worrying. Okay, I can't stopworrying, even though it's killing me. I wake up at three o'clock inthe morning I say to myself, I have this brilliant thought. I've beenworrying about this thing for a week and nothing's changed, and I say tomyself, I've got to stop worrying about this, and then I start worryingabout it yet and I'm thinking that when when you are doing something that's selfdestructive and hurting you and is it helping you at all, and you tellyourself you got to stop doing it, but you continue to do it?I think you're ready for this. I think that's an addiction. What doyou think? Can I get an amen on that? You know, youthink so. You know what that is.

That's alcohol. That's the real alcoholism. That's the real deal you're suffering from right now. You want toknow what your promise right now. I just I just spelled it up foryou. That's your real problem. You can't stop thinking, you can't stopworrying. Forgot about the drinking. You can stop drinking, just can't stopthe thinking and the worry in and all that sort of stuff. That's whatthey're talking about this thing when they know the new freedom, freedom for fear, freedom from worry, the new happiness, the new serenity, not regretting thepast, not worrying what other people think about you, not worrying whatyou look like, not worrying about that. And I've been security in this world. You will have problems. Be a good year. I've overcome theworld, overcoming the world, overcoming the worldly clamors. That's what the wholedeal is. How does that ever happen? Well, I'll tell you. Well, well, apparently a lot of people can't turn it up. AsI was going up the ranks, five years, ten years, fifteen years, it got easier and EAS er for me to turn it over. Youknow, when I was told first I had cancer. Truth is, bytime I told as I had cancered twice. When I was told first I hadcancer, the truth is it didn't bother me that much because I wasat a point in my sobriety where I was going to church and I wasI developed a pretty good relationship with God and I honestly believe that that pointis believe now that you know, all things are possible with him, andall I have to do is trust and hear him. So I already hadthat relationship going, but I basically thought I didn't worry about it. Turnedit over. I said, I'll do what I have to do if I'm, you know, from the diamond of the whatever, it's going to happen. It's in his hands, it's out of my hands. So that waspretty cool. Huh. I think that's pretty cool. I think it's cooldeal. You know, and before I got sober, if I heard guyslike that talk like I'm talking now, I think they're really crazier and sayingI wanted I just didn't know how to get it. But the only reasonI was able to do that is because I had a I had developed already, after ten, twelve, fifteen years, a relationship with God, which isprobably one of the reasons why they stress the thing in the book we'reon a new base, the basis of trust and rely upon God. It'sprobably why they say see the relationship with him as right. Great events willcome to past. Me Ook anless others because you you here's the deal.When your addiction is worrying about your life and worry about what's going to happen, to you and you have to continue to worry because if you don't payattention and if you don't worry about it, something horrible it's going to happen toyou. There's no way you can stop that addiction unless you can giveit to somebody else who will solve the whole problems before you young stand whatI'm saying. There's no way you can get rid of the fear of whateveryou think's going to happen to you unless you can let somebody else who's morepowerful than you have it and take care of it so you don't have toworry about it anymore. You know it wouldn't that be great to have somebodyin your life where, no matter what your concern was, you could justtell them about it, turned over to them and they'll take care of it, they'll say, relaxing, go on. Wouldn't that be great? But yousee, if you don't trust anybody, if there's nobody you have in yourlife that you can trust to handle any problem that comes up, you'rea fucking dead chicken. You will never be happy, you will always beworried, you will always be scared, you always be up there running aroundtrying to rest stuff stuff out of this world to make yourself happy because,let's face it, you have nobody to trust in this entire world, andeventually, even the person you just trust that you think the people will letyou down. That's why they say in the ABC's you can't manage your life. No human powered from can do the thing for you. Only God couldn'twit if you were sought. And we have a huge fellowship that wants torun away from God, that wants to say things. Well, if theytalk like that when I came in, I would run away. But wantssay I'm spiritual, not religious, because God forbid if they should get religious. You know who doesn't want to talk...

...about it. Somehow wants to dothis thing without really doing it. They'll jump into the water, but they'regoing to have a wet suit on. They don't want to get wet becausethen people might laugh at them. I think they're stupid and God knows,one thing we want is when everybody think we're cool. You know I mean, and this is all about becoming uncool and on him. You know,of course, the the the the secret miscusp see, but what most peopledon't know is when you become uncold. That's when you become cool, becausenobody likes stupid people, you know, people that worry all the time andacting stupid and you don't fool anybody except maybe the other people you hang outwith that or that way. So the bottom line is is that. Butthat went on for a long time for me, you know, it wenton for a long time. I honestly, I'm not saying it's just it iswhat it look. I can only talk about my experience. One ofthe things we share as our experience, strength and hope. If I ifI said to you, Hey, listen, I came in here, I putthe plug the jug and if the five months, Hey, I feltexactly what I feel today, that would be a lie from the pit ofHell. I can tell you that I was whacky. You know what Imean, in a good way, and you know, like people, yousay to me, like I said, next week when I go up tomy sponsor and I'd be worried about something or something be scaring me, andwhatever I had to let me tell you some I had to do a lotof shit to be almost okay. You know I mean, I had togo to a lot of meetings. I had have a I had a hadto have a sponsor and a group of people in a home group surrounding me, because, let me tell you something, when you're when you know your lifeis over and it's never going to be better again and terrible things arehappening and you got shit on your mind and you're going crazy and you're goingnuts, you know something. Let me tell you someth unless you have areally solid relationship with that person, you trust, that Goy, you trustor Galu to whatever the the God of your understand. Unless you have asolid relationship, let me tell you something, you ain't going to pull yourself outof that. You A you're like a ship going down. You Ain'tpulling you self out of that dive. You need somebody or some group topull your ass out of that deal. And let me tell you some myfirst ten, fifteen years of sobriety, you know, was was pock markedby sponsors and mentors coming up to me and tell me all sorts of crazyshit. That pulled me out of the dive bomb. You know what Imean. I was going down for the count and the sponsorould say hey,you're exactly where you're supposed to be. You know what I mean. CutThe bullshit, whyn't you just try to help somebody else are I need somebodyto interrupt my committing suicide. You know what I mean. Put The fuckinggun down, Russell, get off the cross. We need the wood.You know what I mean. WHO gives a shit? You know what Imean. I need I needed an outside influence. You know what I mean. I needed that deal. We stole all the little that need that deal. But and so and it wasn't it wasn't bad and it got progressively.If you do this, thing gets progressively better and better and better. Soit's not that you don't experience the promise you I remember saying to my sponsor. I was four or five months ober and I said I said, Ifeel really there's something wrong. He said what he says, I don't know. I just feel really weird. And he said what was some wrong athome? Assist? No, nothing's wrong at home, it says. It'sthe money promises. No, no, the money's okay, you know.I said work. He said, don't know, it's okay. I meanI just feel strange as oh, he's Oh, that's Surendy, don't worry, you'll get used to it. I was never used to feeling okay.I mean for me to feel okay, I'm like addicted to chaos and worry. If I feel okay, I feel like I'm something bad is going tohappen because I'm not paying attention, because I know I'm in trouble, youknow. And I had to do a lot of stuff. I had todo. I did the eight years. You know, listen, I'm nota guy who's an actually trying to help people, I'm trying to help myself. I had to do that stuff, like the eight year, like whatyou're doing now, and go to meetings and get I had to do alot of stuff just to feel almost okay. And I would get the promises wouldcome, but they come on before...

...like what an hour. For anhour, I wasn't worried about money, you know, for now, Isponsor somebody, I'd be talking to, might be helping him out, youknow, for a couple of hours I feel okay, you know what Imean. And then, you know, I go to a meeting, Ifeel okay. You know, I you know, I do the things wedo, that take the action and I feel okay, and that was sobrietyfor me, and that's why my sponsor was that what you're exactly where're supposedto be. You're supposed to be, you know, whatever it is.Three years sober and well for a moment and then crazy, you know whatI mean? It whatever, it's just an accident waiting to happen. SoI so I was here because I wouldn't have been hanging around here if itwasn't working, somehow working. I don't want to make it sounds horrible,but you know, everything is relative, you know, compared to because Iremember even during the first ten years, it seems to me there was alwayssomething that would happen in my life that would be worrying me and drive mecrazy. I mean I lived with worry and fear and concern and anxiety forgood fifteen years or more in alcoholics anonymous, not like debilitating, but I meanI remember the nights I woke up at three o'clock morning worried about thisor worried about that, as it didn't make the word, the worry.It took time. Man, if you're an AA and you've got whatever itis and you're worried about stuff and you have anxiety and everything. Hey,welcome to that. That's the that, let me tell them. That's whyyou hear that's the disease. But what I want to tell you is,even though I was getting discouraged, do not be discouraged. Do not bediscouraged. Even though I was getting discouraged, I promise you, I absolutely promiseyou, that it's going to go away. You're going to live alife where you're going to know new freedom and new happiness. You're not goingto worry about anything. Maybe twice a week you'll have five minutes or something. You know somebody will cut in front of you'll be mad for thirty seconds. You know, you're going to live a life beyond your wildest I promiseyou that. Don't hate me because I'm saying that to you. Know whatI mean. Don't say well, who the Hell's is? You know,I wanted to hear from people when I was going through the first ten orfifteen years. What I needed to hear is it guy coming up here.It says I wanted to kill myself. I want to do I want tohear from people that we're going through problems, because I was constantly going through problems. I needed somebody to tell me, Ay, life is incredible. I'mliving the promise. I didn't need that Shit. First of all,I wouldn't believe them and I would have said he was and the way Ithink, because I'm up, I'm thinking what is better than me or somethinglike that. He's right, you know. But I'm telling you that this bookis not lying. But I am telling you is like for me andapparently like for Jerry and for other people I know, sometimes you just haveto persevere. The Bible says rejoice when you have trials of many kinds,because as you go through the trials and if you if you persevere and youcontinue to look at God and grow and grow your relationship with God, heit says. It says you'll develop a faith that resist all the problems ofthis world, resist all the will overcome the world. You'll overcome the problems. I mean, Shit will happen to you and you won't even notice.Do I have a problem free life? No. Do I have pretty mucha worried free life? Yeah, you know. Do I I always haveall the money I want or whatever. I'm fine. I'm fine. Youknow, rich or more or less, whatever it is, I'm okay withit. I roll with the punches. I'm okay. I'm grateful for whatI have. Do I judge myself by how I look, what my weightis, you know what, what clothes I'm wearing. Not like it.That not like it used to happen. You know, I just free ofthat deal. You know I mean. I I'm happy most I'm sorry toreport I'm happy most of the time. I apologize to I'm sorry import that. I'm an alcoholic and alcoholics anonymous and I feel great most of the time. I love going to means I love people. I have a lot offriends. Okay, here, here, let's do this. Let's end itthis way. Okay, lest you think that I'm bullshitting you, this isin a story. He sold himself short.

Let me read this to you.Is One of our stories. This latest part of my life has hada purpose, not in the great things accomplished, but in daily living.Courage to face each day has replaced the fears and uncertainties of earlier years.Acceptance of things as they are has replaced the old and patient chopping at thebit to conquer the world. I have stopped tilting at windmills and, insteadof have tried to accomplish the little daily tasks, unimportant to themselves. Withtasks are an integral part of living fully. Where derision, contempt and pity wereone showing me, I now enjoy the respect of many people. Whereonce I had casual acquaintances, all of whom were fair weather friends, Inow have a host of friends who accept me for what I am and overmy a years I have made many real, honest andcere friendships that I'll always cherish. I'm rated as a modestly successful man. My stock of material goodsisn't great, but I have a fortune in friendships, courage, self assuranceand an honest appraisal of my own abilities. Above all, above all, I'vegained the greatest thing accorded to any man, the love and understanding ofa gracious God who has lifted me from the alcoholic scrap heap to a positionof trust where I've been able to reap the rich rewards that come from showingthat come from showing a little love for others and from serving them as Ican. I got that deal. I got that deal. What he hasI got. So if you're looking for something else to be served up toyou and alcoholics anonymous, it ain't going to happen. This is the onlything alcoholics anonymous will give you. This is it. This. He justput it in words, better words, and I'll put it in this iswhat you get out of alcoholics anonymous. If you persevere. You're going tohave to go through the tough you can have to do your forty years inthe desert, you know, and ain't going to happen like immediately. You'REgonna have to go through the the experiences. But they're not lying to you aboutthose promises, those things that sort of come and go and you wishthey'd stay around and the last five minutes and they're gone and you know whenthey're good they're going to be. It'll, it'll, it'll become permanent, becomefairly permanent. You know, if you get involvenest thing and meet youand you develop a manner of living which demands rigorous honestly. So thank youvery much. I.

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