AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 5 · 2 years ago

Russell S - Serenity or Worry @ West Dixie Club 2019-2020 #8

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

...that. I'm Oh, so I had to confiscate a big book. I don't want anybody checking up on me. Let me just look at this thing for a second because I think I want to talk about something that has some do with something in this book. Where the promises and I know what where the promises? Thought it was in here. It is we are painstaking about this phase of our development. I hate words like painstaking. It's like thoroughly painstaking. It's like we are painstaking about this phase of our development. This is like in the round, the ninth step or something like that. Paint stay. That means you've already been through the sixth step where you give up sex. Right, quit that porn I know, I know all about you. You know it's been taught. You know. I mean, it's disgusting already. I'm not even going to mention that shit and an a meeting because it gets people upset because they start thinking I'm meddling with stuff that I shouldn't be talking about. Well then they shouldn't have put that six step in the book. That think about giving up all the other shit being coming entirely. I became entirely ready to give up alcohol on December twenty five nineteen eighty one, and I actually gave up alcohol on January two nineteen. Know, the summer twenty five nineteen eighty I became entirely ready to give up the alcohol and I actually gave up the alcohol in January twenty nineteen eighty one. The sex not so fast, you know, the the coveting what other people had, the worrying about money, all other stuff. That's a longer deal. I Jerry. WHERE'S JERRY? There is. So Jerry came up to me. He's been around twenty years, right. so He's been following around for twenty years. And and he said, you know, he said, because he's you got twenty. You Got Twenty years now, right. So he said yeah, so I he said to me, and I'm going to paraphrase, I much. He said. You know, he talked about having twenty years. I said it's different, isn't it? He says, yeah, it's different. He said, I understand it. said it's a whole different deal, isn't he said? Yeah, he says, he says. You know, I tell them in a rooms and I tell people, I probably mentioned it here, where I'll say to somebody they'll say they'll have six or seven years that we worried about something. I said, I don't worry, you'll be okay in fifteen years and they sort of laugh. It's like a nervous laugh, but it's true. Right, it's a whole different deal. Right, you don't even remember the you know, I'm really it's, you know, really sobriety at you know, you know, fifteen years, sixteen, seventeen years and less than that is different than after twenty. Oh, so, I'm see, you know, just is. You know, I'm not trying to hurt anybody's feelings. And you know that part of the big book. But they say, what is it? What is it? They say they do not be discouraged. You know, anybody read that probably would say do not be discouraged. No one among US been able to maintain anything like perfect hand these principles. You know that part. They say in the big book that's to help people with less than twenty years. Doesn't it help? You used to help me help. It's tremendous. It's tremendous. You know, when you got fifteen years and you're fucking crazy and you want to suck on the the butt of the muscle of a gun and everything's gone to shit. And you've been doing this thing for like fifteen years and you've been doing it by the numbers and you doing it hard and you still you're still you still have problems with the promises. They're not completely coming true and every like that you want to kill yourself. And then you read that part. Do not be discouraged. No one among us in all since say, Oh, thank God, makes me feel so good. I don't have to kill myself. You know, there's nothing wrong here. I don't have to panic. Nobody's got this thing down. You know what I mean? Then you get, you know, two thousand and twenty five years, and you start, you start realizing why all those guys that used to look up to that had thirty years and everything that you wanted what they had. You start realizing what they had. This is really wild. I mean you have to stay around...

...two thousand and twenty five years to get this crap. Well, so here, here it is. If we're painting, so the painstaking part, the paints that the thoroughly really have seen a person pillows thoroughly followed our path. So when I when I first came day, I was with my sponsor one day and I wasn't doing well. I was, you know, sometimes when you're anybody ever had any anxiety? Listen, you know, let me tell you something. I'm going to talk tonight about serenity. About Serenity, okay, among other things, freedom from fear. So worried. In the big book it says fear. It's the corrosive thread that's runs through our life. After you get rid of the alcohol, which isn't even the problem, I mean it becomes the problem. Sure, it's the problem. It's a big deal. I understand. You. Have you if you haven't had a drink, I'll tell you what my sponsor you would say. If you haven't had a drink, if you haven't had a drink, if you've done everything wrong and screwed up and you you haven't had a drink, that the whole day. Let me tell you something. You're an alcohol you're a success. Used to say that to me. Wow, it made me feel so good because I was such a fuck up and I was so crazy. You know what, man, there is Shit you tell newcomers. You just gather up this crap. They teach you what you know. You know, they got a building somewhere in the CIA, you know, where all old sponsors go to, and they learn all these shit you can tell newcomers. It just fixes them like that, like no psychiatry, you know. I mean it's just because you know exactly what they're going to something to go use this debut. I'm going nuts. I just killed fifteen rabbis at a priest then, you know, raped the cat and everything like that. I'm going to kill myself. You say, Hey, have you had a drink today? Well, no, I haven't a drink. Hey, you're a success. Holy Shit, I'm like walking on air, you know what I mean. Unbelievable, the stuff we are able to you know, the stuff we're able to tell new comings to make them feel like they don't have to kill themselves, you know, and they could just get through the first twenty year. You can just got to do the first fifteen twenty years. You know what I mean. God like mining for gold. I'll tell you. But so the deal is so so worried is fear. If you ever find yourself worrying about anything, that's fear. Anxiety is fear. is worried. It's different words for worry. I mean, I've had alcohol. I I'm an alcoholic, so I know what it's like to worry about shit. I noticed like to be scared. I know it's like that. Anxiety, high anxiety. Have high anxiety, not low anxiety. But you know, I've had alcoholics. You know, when you sponsor a lot of people, been around for a long time, you you you get to listen to alcoholics. You get to listen. You know, initially I got to listen to myself, if I was even talking her, but it's fine. But later on in life, as you sponsor people, you get to listen to alcoholics. So you get to actually, I mean when you stard the first ten years worrying about yourself and worry about your feelings, when you're so worried about yourself and your feelings, you don't really have a lot of time to listen to other people, nor are you really, quite frankly, interested. You know what I mean. I mean seriously, you know I mean. I got my own fucking problems. Yeah, I mean I will, and I'll make me feel good and I'll try to sponsor people and stop sleep from committing suicide. But realist face, I'm more worried about myself. But as time goes by, you actually and you lose the fear, you lose the fear of people interact knocking and you lose all that stuff. All that stuff goes by the wayside. I know you don't believe that, but it's true. I mean it's not. I you know my grandmother's you set used to say don't put the kind of her on it. As Mbay. You ever had a grandmother who said that? You know that. That meant don't put the curse on it. Don't put the curse on it, right like you say, well, I don't have. Yeah, Donna, I don't have I don't know, fearing. You didn't want to say that because then all of a sudden God will strike you dead and you'll get the fear. You know what I mean to do that. But but the truth of the matter is, I mean, if I have to be truthful, it it goes, it goes. I mean, I'm I might as well tell you the truth. The book is not lying. I want to tell you this is this is not a lie. There is concrete underneath those lily pads. I mean I want to tell you...

...something. When they say in the promises, let me read it. If we are painstaking. Wouldn't be better if it just said, well, if you just do this halfass, you know what do they say? Half Measures of Elis what you go. Well, are they lying or are they telling the truth? HMM, unless we're when we give up our old ideas, the result was what? Right? Well, they line or tell you like the big book on You, like you read this Shit Right, you read that? Stop, you don't believe it, do you? You don't believe it. You don't believe half lections a Vailue you nothing. Well, depends on what the your definition of nothing is. If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed. Before we halfway through, we are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. You don't even know what that is, because it's brand new. I don't whatever you think it is. It Ain't what you think it is. It's a different deal. We will not regret the past on which to shut the doornet. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace, no matter how far down the scale we have gone. We will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. Holy Shit, really, we will lose interest in selfish things gain interest in our fellows. SELFSEEKING will slip away. Man, it's I Havn't read this a long time. This is really moving stuff. It's serious. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people, in econotic insecurity will leave us, will interfely know how to handle situations with us, to baffle us. Will will realize, suddenly realize God is doing for us what we can't do for ourselves. It's pretty powerful shit. You know, they read this at a lot of do they read this at the end of this meeting? That's how impressed alcoholics are with this deal. They read it all the time. Hey, listen, you know, would be cool if it was true. I mean serious, don't you think that would be? What do you think? Well, if it was true, would never be something else. Yes, you know, when I was nine years sober and I was doing this thing about the numbers. I mean I'm not saying I was perfect, but I was reading the big book back as far. I was reading the twelve and twelve, I was reading the buy, I was going to Bible Study, I was reading talk about the good old timers, sponsoring people, going out doing steps. There he's doing this thing. I was stark, raving, sober. Nine years sober, I was broke again. You know what I mean? Because I have this had this tendency to, you know, spend money I didn't have on Shit. I didn't need to impress people, I didn't like and live a high lifestyle. And I mean I made a lot of money, but apparently I learned this attend nine or ten years old. My my sponsor told me when you spend more money that I because I didn't understand why I was always going broke. And somebody, sponsor, told me when you spend more money than you make, you go in to debt. Did you know that? See, you guys are farther, much more mature and intelligent than I was. Okay, and so. So, if you've ever had money problems, it's because you're spending more money than you make. You know. And so he used to say, I can solve the problem. He said, you know he said. He said earn more or spend less. I want to know what option three was. You see, the drinking went nine years before, but the spending didn't go. And in the coveting things that I needed. I thought I needed my life to make myself happy. That didn't go. The Romance did all the other Shit that got me in trouble that I used to assuage the alcoholism, which sets it in my mind, not my bottom. Everything else I used on the planet to make myself feel like I wasn't a useless, worthless piece of crap.

That didn't go. Didn't go at all. As matter fact, if I was an a means most of people are having problems. We talk about that stuff. When I was in the movies and watching all the movie stars every it was all about that stuff. When I went home with twenty four hour seven, they were all talking about that stuff, getting that stuff, having that stuff. Billionaires, millionaires, cars, you know, Mediterranean cruises, travel and everything. The whole world was about that stuff. You know, one of the things that said in the Bible, one of my favorite lines, is said by Jesus. He said in this world. Who saying this to us? The sublisists? In this world, you will have problems, but be of good cheer. I have overcome the world. I have. Well, I wonder what it's like to overcome the world. You know, you're either going to overcome the world or the world's going to overcome you. You know why people have problems in alcoholics anonymous? Because the world overcomes them. Past Paul said, I've learned to be content in all things. I've been poor, I'm okay. I've been rich, I'm okay. It doesn't matter what my circumstances are because inside, inside, I have equitim any inside I have piece. You know, because remember what Bill Wilson said when he drank again. Remember what he said cause them to drink again. He didn't say somebody smashed the bottle over Isa, he said this is what he said. He said worldly clamors inside of me drove me back. You See, you can stop drinking and you think you've resolved the disease. You haven't resolved shit. You have a resolved shit. All you've done is the disease now goes undercover and looks. It looks like sex, it looks like security, it looks like cars, it looks like it looks like everything you worry about, everything you Jones about, or you think you know. Your Jones in for a drive, everything you desire that you think you absolutely have to have, or don't want to lose in order to feel like a woman, like a man, like you're not a piece of shit that goes on for a long time. You can live a life a quiet desperation in here, sober, not drinking, under the delusion that by just not drinking you're resolving something, and you are. You know, let's face it. I mean, you're not going to kill somebody drunk driving and you're not going to be arrested for the UI, but you won't be happy. You know, when people go out and they drink again after many years sobriety, or maybe just a few years surpriety. They're not drinking again because they're craving alcohol. You know, I mean I know what the craven is. You start drinking, you start a crave. You can't that the moment before they drink. They're sober, not craving alcohol. They're just craving anything to feel better, because the women ain't working in the romance, ain't working in the sex, ain't working in the car, ain't working, and this ain't working and that ain't working. In the world has they're not overcoming the world. The world has overcome them. They haven't hit that escape velocity. You know that we talked about last week, where where somehow you reach a point in here where you know you fire a rocket up into the air, if it doesn't go fast enough and escape the Gravit hoos from a pull of the earth, it'll fall backwards. You could be high flying for a year or two or three or five or thirty or whatever it is, and somehow you get to a point where the world's the world and it's clamors start pulling your ass back. You know, in the book it says. They say it many different ways in the book, they say in the vision for you, they say here and there once in a while. And now Cooholk, a guy that's been sober...

...for will, says I feel better, I look better, I'm having a better time said. We laugh at that Shit. We know he's going to try the old game again because he's not happy with his sobriety. Soon he'll know loneliness, is few do. And why isn't he happy with his sobriety? He's not happy with sobriety because he still has the disease, the DIS ease, and the truth is just not drinking is just not enough, because the real disease that centers in mind, not his body, which has to do with the crap that you don't want me to talk about, you know, and that nobody really ever talks about an a anyway, they don't talk about any they don't talk about the stuff, do they? You know? I mean I've been to a lot of means. They're not talking about sex, and they're not. They'll gloss over it. They'll do it like a thirty second. You know they're not talking about it because it's all in the book. It's all in the twelve and twelve. There's no reason why we shouldn't talk about it. But they're not talking about the things that are really disturbing you. You're not talking about the money or the sex or the romance. Or they're not telling me that stuff because, you know, people, I'll also be pissed off. Then I'm upset. You know, if you talk to an alcoholic, that's you know, it's WHO's not entirely ready to give out, WHO's not entirely ready to give up everything else and to grow in the image and likeness of his creator, which is really perfection, and give up all the other if you're talking to somebody who hasn't hit that point or experience that point or done that point yet. They react to a talk like that the way you would react to a talk about somebody telling you to stop drinking before you're ready to stop drinking. You remember how you reacted to somebody who tried to talk to you about your drinking problem before you ready to acknowledge how to drinking problem. You know, it was like, you know, fuck you. You know. That's the way alcoholics before they get, and not everybody becomes, entirely ready to give up this stuff. Listen, I hope I'm not I shouldn't say I hope. I mean I'm really saying I know, but I mean I hope. I don't want to be saying stuff that's not in the book. Alcoholics, anonymous or not, in the twelve and twelve. But I'll tell you what I think. If you look at the six step in the twelve and twelve, and I think you look at the seventh step in all these steps and everything of they're talking about in the book, I think you'll see that I'm pretty much talking about what this thing is all about. After you stop drinking. I mean, listen, after the first couple of chapters in the big book. It's never about drinking anymore, is it? What is it? That like more about alcoholism? And then you got bill story and something else. I mean there's a solution. They talked about the booze part, right. But after that you get into chapter you, chapter you know for about the God thing. You get in chapter five, in six, seven, you go all the way up there, and talking about drinking anymore. Right, telling about the stuff, the worldly clamors, the being on the new basis, the basis of love and God, the basis of making God the central fact of your life. They talking about when this a my being rocking forth my jo existence. They said, here's the here's the great factors, this nothing less. Place your life upon God, make him the creator, may make the creative the main deal in your life. You know, we know that easily. He's alive and well and lives in our hearts. We're absolutely certainly they're talking about that stuff. They're talking about selfishness, self centeredness. Selfish is what's more selfish than wanting to grab everything you think you have to have, screw everybody else to make you happy? What's more selfish than that? What's more selfish and sitting around thinking about what you need and what you need to have and what you have to have and how people have to live and how they should treat you and everything, thinking about yourself all the time, what you have, like you don't have. What's more selfish than that? You know what it says about that stuff. It says, above everything, we must get rid of the selfishness. How can you get rid of the selfish is the first problem, the first I can promise you. I didn't have a clue. I didn't have a clue. Really, that's what this disease was all about. For the first fifteen years I was so maybe the first twenty. It's not that I didn't know anything. I mean I was doing meetings and step series like this. But you know, the kind of step series I was doing, and I'm not putting it down, was this is how you do...

...the fourth step and this is how you do the fist step and this is how I did my eight step, is how I did my nine step, and I'd actually talked about like the nuts and bolts of the steps. You know, when there's nothing wrong with that, is a good thing and everything like that. And but but I wasn't getting deeper into the disease and what the real problem was. You understand what I'm saying. I didn't really see the selfishness. The first step in getting out of jail is you got to know you're in jail in the first place. I didn't even understand. I didn't really think of myself honestly, even though I've done the fourth step in the eight step and all those steps and everything, and I saw. You know, if I didn't really think of myself as selfish, I didn't really see the disease. I didn't see the disease. I didn't think of myself as evil or selfish. I didn't see the disease because, because when you're living in the DIS ease, you can't see the disease. When you hate, you can't see hey, you just can't see it. When you're lust and you crave and you want and you have that, you don't see it like it's a problem right. You just don't see it. It's just the way you are. Then, quite frankly, you know, in this world you don't feel or see anything different than anybody else should see in this world. It's only when once in a blue moon even in a this could happen you run into somebody that's not living it, living that way, the column elder states, and when you run into like a sponsor something who isn't focused on that stuff. I talked about Al Kennedy, because he's a good example. You know who was. I heard speak one day and and he was and he was dying. He had six months to live and he didn't even mention it. He was trying to help other people. It's not until you run into people that are that have reached the scape velocity and have become entirely ready, that you realize that there are people that you realize that the promises are true. They promises are true, permit, the permanent promises are true. I don't want to put the kind of her on it. I'm not. I'm not saying it's the kind of thing like I never have a bad moment or anything like that, and you know, because I would be a lie, you know, just but you know, I mean, this's a big difference between, you know, twice a week having a bad moment for, you know, three minutes, and the Shit I'm talking about and the alcoholism, the kind of alcoholism I'm talking about the kind of fear, the gross of fear, the worried, the obsessive fear that I'm talking about, which I know to be alcoholism. I don't suffer from that stuff anymore, having for years the self pity anymore. Listen, I remember, I use can I explain it this way? And I remember, nine years sober, saying when am I going to get this? When am I gonna lose fear of economic insecurity? When am I going to be rich? When am I going to have you know, I remember asking, I joke about this is a true story. I would at nine year surprity. I said a real key. What am I going to lose fear of or am I going to be rich? When are we gonna have economic consecurity? Looked at me like what's crazy? And it says it right in the book. He says, he says, he says, what are you talking about? I said the promise. If you're I'm to lose the fear of reconnot been security. That's a good fear, you know. You know, money's not a big deals, just right up there with oxygen. You know, we're spiritual. I'm spiritual, not religion, and it's not an interesting deal. The big book of Alcoholics Anonymous says we lose all prejudice, even against organized religion. Right we begin to see where religious people are right. Is Not what the big book says. The fellowship of alcoholics anonymous says. The fellowship says we're spiritual, not religious. Think about that for a second. Well, the big book is pure a. The fellowship is millions of alcoholics that really don't want...

...to do this shit and most of them are going to drink that come up with shit to tell make them feel good about not doing this shit. You understand what I'm saying. So you yeah, I know. Really you want to, really, you want to really understand that most of the people in alcoholics anonymous do not have over thirty years. Most of the people in alcoholics anonymous are made up of people that have ten years or less and they'd rather not do this stuff. When I say they'd rather not do this stuff, I mean it's I'm not putting him down, I mean I was like that too. For further you want to. You want to. I know the kind of program you have, the kind of programming I have, the kind of program we all have, where you're going to do everything that you need to do, except for the shit you don't want to do. I get that. I understand that. I get that that you've got pissed off at people to tell you need to do something or you should do something that you don't want to do. You don't want to do that stuff. So so the bottom line is, if you have a big book, that encourages church membership, because you have to get to the point where you you develop a relationship with God where it's so, so concrete and it's so real to you, and improve that relationship, the conscious contact with God. You've got to develop that relationship so hard on the eleventh step so that you're able to cast all your route worries about upon him. We used to have a saying, at saying in a we call. Maybe they still have it, I haven't heard. We I turned it over for years. I'd have to go through all sorts of hell to like turn it all. I'd be worried about something, I'd be worried about something, I'd be worried about something, and then finally we get so bad and there was nothing I could do. But yet you know why we were let me tell you something about fear. Anybody ever worry about something that they can stop worrying about? You ever worry about something you can't stop worrying about? Maybe that phone call that you're looking for? Forward to get it, so you run out every five seconds. It was at a boyfriend or what? It's a what a? What a hot line? What about? Are you on the hot line? You're on service. Will God bless you. Good for you good. What's your name? DEBRAH EMMA. Listen, I'm proud of you. That's great. I was on the a hotline for eight years. You know, I was eight years. If you called up a every any Friday night tow in the hours of like eleven to eight, and when do you get me? That's why nobody got soldiers had. Some guy called me up and you said, you know, I am a drunk, come out here, he says. How you have where are you? Tell me where I was as well. You're only like a mall away mothered away from the a room, from the detox. If you walk down the street this way and go left, you'll get there. Just you're not going to pick me on. I said a taxi cab company. You know what I mean. That's not the way they do it in Connecticut. You know, I said. I said, said, what's your name? I said Russell's rugs. All what I said some Russell. They know who. I said. You're not going to complain about me. I'd hate to lose this job. I didn't. I want to tell them my had eight years. You know, I am eight years doing it because nobody else wanted then when I had one nurse call up one night and she was at a PhD in nursing. You get this gin. She says, listen, he says, I got a your sobriety. I've got a little child, I'm a single brother, got a PhD Indurstany says, I'm a little concerned. He says because I started drinking again. And I said I need your help and and and there's only one thing. I don't want to hear anything about alcoholics. Anonymous. And I said, well, look, there's just one problem. It's just two problems, I said. He says, well, what's size is? Well, number one, I said, you know, I'm five years sober and I'm sober through the fellowship of alcoholics anonymous. I said that's how I stay sober, through alcoholics anonymous. So I don't know what plan be is. You understand? It. Says, yeah, this is what's the second problem, says you called alcohols and this is...

...a serious fucking disease. Let me tell you something, it's Seria. Well, where was I before? EMMA DISTURB ME? You know, chatter or idol chatter, you know what I mean. So so in anyway. So here's the deal. I want to talk a little. I want to talk about the serenity stuff and everything like that. So so I can remember times. I can absolutely you know, I've told you that story already. I'm not going to repeat again that story about where my sponsor said it nothing nine or ten years he said, you're upset because you're upsetable stuff and everything like that. You're upset because not of the thing you think you're upset about. Your upset because the things of this world upset you. You're an alcoholic. You're you know, your restless, you're irritable, Isis, you're a you're a resentment and a fear waiting to happen. You know you may not yet listen. You have only one problem. You used to get in trouble and have also should happen to you because you were drinking, he says. Now you have a lot of crap happening to because you happen to be breathing as long as you're on this planet. Because the way you are, shit everything's going to upset you. You know, it's not a thing in this world that won't upset you or get you pissed off. It's that's your problemise so well, how do you solve that? That's the drastic psychic personality change, you know. So here's the deal. I can think. What I can think of is many, many times in the past, during the first fifteen, twenty years, when I would be worried about shit, worried about money, worried about the rent, worried about the moryage, worried about my wife, worry about the kids, worry about boss, worrybout I can think of so many times I'd be worried, and it's the kind of worried where you're up at three o'clock in the morning worrying about the same thing that you've been worried about for three, three days. You know, and and and you, you're not stupid. You realize that no matter how much you worry about money, it doesn't change your bank account balance. You ever noticed that when you worry about money, it doesn't put more money in the bank? You ever you ever noticed that when you worry about a relationship, it doesn't make the relationship better? Or you're worried about a person, doesn't change the person? But I think, I think, let me, let me, I may be wrong about this, I was just thinking about this the other day and and this is what this is what I'm telling you now is something that I think now that's come upon me that I would never think content. I think that in that that that my problem is is that somehow, some way, I have this delusion that if I really worry about something for a long period, it's if I really worry about something, it'll protect me from the thing happening. Does that make any sense? Like if I really worry about a person, the doing this or doing that and will sort of protect and here's the deal. And if I stop worrying about that, then I'm really going to be fucked. Johnstone. I'm saying because somehow worried for me, I must do it because it does something for me. It must do something for me. But but like alcohol, I can't say, I can't stop worrying. Okay, I can't stop worrying, even though it's killing me. I wake up at three o'clock in the morning I say to myself, I have this brilliant thought. I've been worrying about this thing for a week and nothing's changed, and I say to myself, I've got to stop worrying about this, and then I start worrying about it yet and I'm thinking that when when you are doing something that's self destructive and hurting you and is it helping you at all, and you tell yourself you got to stop doing it, but you continue to do it? I think you're ready for this. I think that's an addiction. What do you think? Can I get an amen on that? You know, you think so. You know what that is.

That's alcohol. That's the real alcoholism. That's the real deal you're suffering from right now. You want to know what your promise right now. I just I just spelled it up for you. That's your real problem. You can't stop thinking, you can't stop worrying. Forgot about the drinking. You can stop drinking, just can't stop the thinking and the worry in and all that sort of stuff. That's what they're talking about this thing when they know the new freedom, freedom for fear, freedom from worry, the new happiness, the new serenity, not regretting the past, not worrying what other people think about you, not worrying what you look like, not worrying about that. And I've been security in this world. You will have problems. Be a good year. I've overcome the world, overcoming the world, overcoming the worldly clamors. That's what the whole deal is. How does that ever happen? Well, I'll tell you. Well, well, apparently a lot of people can't turn it up. As I was going up the ranks, five years, ten years, fifteen years, it got easier and EAS er for me to turn it over. You know, when I was told first I had cancer. Truth is, by time I told as I had cancered twice. When I was told first I had cancer, the truth is it didn't bother me that much because I was at a point in my sobriety where I was going to church and I was I developed a pretty good relationship with God and I honestly believe that that point is believe now that you know, all things are possible with him, and all I have to do is trust and hear him. So I already had that relationship going, but I basically thought I didn't worry about it. Turned it over. I said, I'll do what I have to do if I'm, you know, from the diamond of the whatever, it's going to happen. It's in his hands, it's out of my hands. So that was pretty cool. Huh. I think that's pretty cool. I think it's cool deal. You know, and before I got sober, if I heard guys like that talk like I'm talking now, I think they're really crazier and saying I wanted I just didn't know how to get it. But the only reason I was able to do that is because I had a I had developed already, after ten, twelve, fifteen years, a relationship with God, which is probably one of the reasons why they stress the thing in the book we're on a new base, the basis of trust and rely upon God. It's probably why they say see the relationship with him as right. Great events will come to past. Me Ook anless others because you you here's the deal. When your addiction is worrying about your life and worry about what's going to happen, to you and you have to continue to worry because if you don't pay attention and if you don't worry about it, something horrible it's going to happen to you. There's no way you can stop that addiction unless you can give it to somebody else who will solve the whole problems before you young stand what I'm saying. There's no way you can get rid of the fear of whatever you think's going to happen to you unless you can let somebody else who's more powerful than you have it and take care of it so you don't have to worry about it anymore. You know it wouldn't that be great to have somebody in your life where, no matter what your concern was, you could just tell them about it, turned over to them and they'll take care of it, they'll say, relaxing, go on. Wouldn't that be great? But you see, if you don't trust anybody, if there's nobody you have in your life that you can trust to handle any problem that comes up, you're a fucking dead chicken. You will never be happy, you will always be worried, you will always be scared, you always be up there running around trying to rest stuff stuff out of this world to make yourself happy because, let's face it, you have nobody to trust in this entire world, and eventually, even the person you just trust that you think the people will let you down. That's why they say in the ABC's you can't manage your life. No human powered from can do the thing for you. Only God couldn't wit if you were sought. And we have a huge fellowship that wants to run away from God, that wants to say things. Well, if they talk like that when I came in, I would run away. But wants say I'm spiritual, not religious, because God forbid if they should get religious. You know who doesn't want to talk...

...about it. Somehow wants to do this thing without really doing it. They'll jump into the water, but they're going to have a wet suit on. They don't want to get wet because then people might laugh at them. I think they're stupid and God knows, one thing we want is when everybody think we're cool. You know I mean, and this is all about becoming uncool and on him. You know, of course, the the the the secret miscusp see, but what most people don't know is when you become uncold. That's when you become cool, because nobody likes stupid people, you know, people that worry all the time and acting stupid and you don't fool anybody except maybe the other people you hang out with that or that way. So the bottom line is is that. But that went on for a long time for me, you know, it went on for a long time. I honestly, I'm not saying it's just it is what it look. I can only talk about my experience. One of the things we share as our experience, strength and hope. If I if I said to you, Hey, listen, I came in here, I put the plug the jug and if the five months, Hey, I felt exactly what I feel today, that would be a lie from the pit of Hell. I can tell you that I was whacky. You know what I mean, in a good way, and you know, like people, you say to me, like I said, next week when I go up to my sponsor and I'd be worried about something or something be scaring me, and whatever I had to let me tell you some I had to do a lot of shit to be almost okay. You know I mean, I had to go to a lot of meetings. I had have a I had a had to have a sponsor and a group of people in a home group surrounding me, because, let me tell you something, when you're when you know your life is over and it's never going to be better again and terrible things are happening and you got shit on your mind and you're going crazy and you're going nuts, you know something. Let me tell you someth unless you have a really solid relationship with that person, you trust, that Goy, you trust or Galu to whatever the the God of your understand. Unless you have a solid relationship, let me tell you something, you ain't going to pull yourself out of that. You A you're like a ship going down. You Ain't pulling you self out of that dive. You need somebody or some group to pull your ass out of that deal. And let me tell you some my first ten, fifteen years of sobriety, you know, was was pock marked by sponsors and mentors coming up to me and tell me all sorts of crazy shit. That pulled me out of the dive bomb. You know what I mean. I was going down for the count and the sponsorould say hey, you're exactly where you're supposed to be. You know what I mean. Cut The bullshit, whyn't you just try to help somebody else are I need somebody to interrupt my committing suicide. You know what I mean. Put The fucking gun down, Russell, get off the cross. We need the wood. You know what I mean. WHO gives a shit? You know what I mean. I need I needed an outside influence. You know what I mean. I needed that deal. We stole all the little that need that deal. But and so and it wasn't it wasn't bad and it got progressively. If you do this, thing gets progressively better and better and better. So it's not that you don't experience the promise you I remember saying to my sponsor. I was four or five months ober and I said I said, I feel really there's something wrong. He said what he says, I don't know. I just feel really weird. And he said what was some wrong at home? Assist? No, nothing's wrong at home, it says. It's the money promises. No, no, the money's okay, you know. I said work. He said, don't know, it's okay. I mean I just feel strange as oh, he's Oh, that's Surendy, don't worry, you'll get used to it. I was never used to feeling okay. I mean for me to feel okay, I'm like addicted to chaos and worry. If I feel okay, I feel like I'm something bad is going to happen because I'm not paying attention, because I know I'm in trouble, you know. And I had to do a lot of stuff. I had to do. I did the eight years. You know, listen, I'm not a guy who's an actually trying to help people, I'm trying to help myself. I had to do that stuff, like the eight year, like what you're doing now, and go to meetings and get I had to do a lot of stuff just to feel almost okay. And I would get the promises would come, but they come on before...

...like what an hour. For an hour, I wasn't worried about money, you know, for now, I sponsor somebody, I'd be talking to, might be helping him out, you know, for a couple of hours I feel okay, you know what I mean. And then, you know, I go to a meeting, I feel okay. You know, I you know, I do the things we do, that take the action and I feel okay, and that was sobriety for me, and that's why my sponsor was that what you're exactly where're supposed to be. You're supposed to be, you know, whatever it is. Three years sober and well for a moment and then crazy, you know what I mean? It whatever, it's just an accident waiting to happen. So I so I was here because I wouldn't have been hanging around here if it wasn't working, somehow working. I don't want to make it sounds horrible, but you know, everything is relative, you know, compared to because I remember even during the first ten years, it seems to me there was always something that would happen in my life that would be worrying me and drive me crazy. I mean I lived with worry and fear and concern and anxiety for good fifteen years or more in alcoholics anonymous, not like debilitating, but I mean I remember the nights I woke up at three o'clock morning worried about this or worried about that, as it didn't make the word, the worry. It took time. Man, if you're an AA and you've got whatever it is and you're worried about stuff and you have anxiety and everything. Hey, welcome to that. That's the that, let me tell them. That's why you hear that's the disease. But what I want to tell you is, even though I was getting discouraged, do not be discouraged. Do not be discouraged. Even though I was getting discouraged, I promise you, I absolutely promise you, that it's going to go away. You're going to live a life where you're going to know new freedom and new happiness. You're not going to worry about anything. Maybe twice a week you'll have five minutes or something. You know somebody will cut in front of you'll be mad for thirty seconds. You know, you're going to live a life beyond your wildest I promise you that. Don't hate me because I'm saying that to you. Know what I mean. Don't say well, who the Hell's is? You know, I wanted to hear from people when I was going through the first ten or fifteen years. What I needed to hear is it guy coming up here. It says I wanted to kill myself. I want to do I want to hear from people that we're going through problems, because I was constantly going through problems. I needed somebody to tell me, Ay, life is incredible. I'm living the promise. I didn't need that Shit. First of all, I wouldn't believe them and I would have said he was and the way I think, because I'm up, I'm thinking what is better than me or something like that. He's right, you know. But I'm telling you that this book is not lying. But I am telling you is like for me and apparently like for Jerry and for other people I know, sometimes you just have to persevere. The Bible says rejoice when you have trials of many kinds, because as you go through the trials and if you if you persevere and you continue to look at God and grow and grow your relationship with God, he it says. It says you'll develop a faith that resist all the problems of this world, resist all the will overcome the world. You'll overcome the problems. I mean, Shit will happen to you and you won't even notice. Do I have a problem free life? No. Do I have pretty much a worried free life? Yeah, you know. Do I I always have all the money I want or whatever. I'm fine. I'm fine. You know, rich or more or less, whatever it is, I'm okay with it. I roll with the punches. I'm okay. I'm grateful for what I have. Do I judge myself by how I look, what my weight is, you know what, what clothes I'm wearing. Not like it. That not like it used to happen. You know, I just free of that deal. You know I mean. I I'm happy most I'm sorry to report I'm happy most of the time. I apologize to I'm sorry import that. I'm an alcoholic and alcoholics anonymous and I feel great most of the time. I love going to means I love people. I have a lot of friends. Okay, here, here, let's do this. Let's end it this way. Okay, lest you think that I'm bullshitting you, this is in a story. He sold himself short.

Let me read this to you. Is One of our stories. This latest part of my life has had a purpose, not in the great things accomplished, but in daily living. Courage to face each day has replaced the fears and uncertainties of earlier years. Acceptance of things as they are has replaced the old and patient chopping at the bit to conquer the world. I have stopped tilting at windmills and, instead of have tried to accomplish the little daily tasks, unimportant to themselves. With tasks are an integral part of living fully. Where derision, contempt and pity were one showing me, I now enjoy the respect of many people. Where once I had casual acquaintances, all of whom were fair weather friends, I now have a host of friends who accept me for what I am and over my a years I have made many real, honest andcere friendships that I'll always cherish. I'm rated as a modestly successful man. My stock of material goods isn't great, but I have a fortune in friendships, courage, self assurance and an honest appraisal of my own abilities. Above all, above all, I've gained the greatest thing accorded to any man, the love and understanding of a gracious God who has lifted me from the alcoholic scrap heap to a position of trust where I've been able to reap the rich rewards that come from showing that come from showing a little love for others and from serving them as I can. I got that deal. I got that deal. What he has I got. So if you're looking for something else to be served up to you and alcoholics anonymous, it ain't going to happen. This is the only thing alcoholics anonymous will give you. This is it. This. He just put it in words, better words, and I'll put it in this is what you get out of alcoholics anonymous. If you persevere. You're going to have to go through the tough you can have to do your forty years in the desert, you know, and ain't going to happen like immediately. You'RE gonna have to go through the the experiences. But they're not lying to you about those promises, those things that sort of come and go and you wish they'd stay around and the last five minutes and they're gone and you know when they're good they're going to be. It'll, it'll, it'll become permanent, become fairly permanent. You know, if you get involvenest thing and meet you and you develop a manner of living which demands rigorous honestly. So thank you very much. I.

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