AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 5 · 1 year ago

Russell S - Serenity or Worry @ West Dixie Club 2019-2020 #8

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

A So I had a confiscate a big book. Idon't W T anybody checking up on me. Let me just look at this thing for asecond, as I think I want to talk about something that has some do withsomething this book, where the promises, an bi, no, where the Promiseng thoughtt washere it is. We are painstaken about this phase of our developmenthate words like painsticking. It's like thoroughly painstakand. It's like weare Painstakeng about this phase of our development. This is like in the round the nighthstep, or something like that can stay. That means you've already been throughthe Sixh step, where you give up, sets right, Qit that porn. I know I know all aboutyou. You know, there's been talking O it's disgusting, Al Ready, I'm noteven going to mattion that Shit and an a meeting, because I guess people upsetbecause hiy start thinking in medaling with stuff that I shouldn't be talkingabout. Well, the they shouldn't have put that six step in the book, a thinkabout giving up all the other shit being coming entirely. I becameentirely ready to give up alcohol on December, twuenty, F e thousand ninehnded and eighty one, and I actually gave up alcohol on January, twenty fit.Nineteen, no eseventwent ne TND, nine hunded and eighty I became etinelyready to give up the Alcomol and I actually gave up the Alchol in January,twenty fifth nineteen, eighty one, the sex, not so fast. You know the thecovening. What other people had the worrying about money? All those stuff.That's a longer deal. I Jerry where's Jerry there he is sojerry came up to me. He's been around you twenty years right, so he's beenfolming around for twenty years and- and he said you know he said becauseyou got ten- you got twenty years, not right, so you said yea, so he said to me and I'm going toprayerphaze o much. He said you know he talked about having twenty years. Isaid it's different, isn't it he says yeah, it's different. He said Iunderstand said it's a whole different deal. Isn't it he sayd yeah? He says hesays you know. I tell him in a rooms- and I tell people- I probably mentionedit here where I'll say to somebody they'll say: they'll have six or sevenyears thiyll be worried about someond. I Sao you, don't worry, you'll be okayin fifteen years and they sort of laugh. It's like a nervous, laugh a that', butit's true right. It's a whole different deal right. You don't even remember theyou know. I mean really it's you know really sobriety at you know. You knowfifteen years sixteen seventeen years and less than that is different thanafter twenty o. So I'm t see you know it just is Yo know I'm not trying tohurt anybody's feelings, and you know that part of the big book whet they saywhat is it? What does it? They say do not be discouraged. You know anybodyread that PAROF IC way say do not be discouraged. No one of among US beenable to maintain anything like perfect anhancthese principles. You know thatpart. They say the big book. That's to help people with less than twenty yearsdoesn't help you used to help me holits tremendous. It's tremendous! You knowwhen you got fifteen years in your fucking crazy and you want to suck onthe the but the mucle of a gun and everything's gone to Shit and you'vebeen doing this sting for like fifteen years and you' bee, doing it by thenumbers and Youe doing it hard and you still you're still Lu. You still haveproblems with the promises. They're not completely coming true and everythinglike that. You want to kill yourself and then you read that part do not bediscouraged, no one among us and Oblin. A Oh thank God makes me feel so good. I don't have to kill myself. You know,there's nothing wrong here. I don't have to panic. Nobody's got this thingdown. You know what I mean. Then you get. You know twenty twenty five yearsand you start you start realizing. Why all those guys that used to look up tothat had thirty years and everything that you Wondere, what they had youstart realizing what they hade is...

...really wild. I mean you have to stayaround tweant twenty five years to get this grap Woa. So here car her. It isif we're paint so t the paints taking part the paints t the thoroughly reallyhave ' seen. Person fillows thoroughly followed our path. So when I up when I first came day, I was with mysponsor one day and I wasn't doing well. I was you know. Sometimes when you'reanybody ever had any anxiety. Listen, you know, let me tell you something:I'm going to talk to might about serenity, about serenity, okay, among other things, freedom from fear. So worry in the big book. It says, fearthis. The corrosive threat thats runs through our life. After you get rid ofthe alcohol which isn't even the problem, I mean it becomes the problem.Sure it's the problem. It's a big deal. I understand you have yea F, youhaven't had a drink, I'll, tell you what my sponsorso to say. If youhaven't had a drink, if you avnen had a drink, if you've done everything wrongand screwed up and you haven't had a drink the whole day, let me tell yousomething: You're, an Othol you're, a success used to say that to me wow, itmade me feel so good because I was such a fuck up and I was so crazy Iman.There is Shit, you tell newcomers, you just gather up this crap, they teachyou with. You know. You know they got a a building somewhere in the CIA. Youknow where all old sponsors go to and they learn all these shit. You can tellnewcomers, it just fixes them like that. Like no PSYCHIATA, you know I mean it'sjust because you know exactly what they're going to somegoing to go. He'sis W. I'm going nuts, I just fill fifteen rabbies at a priest and youknow raped the cat and everything like that. I'm going to kill myself, you say:Hey, have you had a drink today? Well, no! I haven't Adrink, Hey you're, asuccess Holy Shit, I'm like walking on here. You know what I mean unbelievable. The stuff we are able toyou know I stof we're able to tell ne comes to make them feel like they don'thave to kill themselves, you know and they could just get through the firsttwenty years, Wejus got to Dogh the first fifteen twenty years. You knowwhat I mean: Gosh like money for gold. I'll tell you,but so the deal is so so worry is fear. Ifyou ever find yourself worrying about anything, that's fear, anxiety is fear, is worried. It'sdifferent words for worry. I I mean I've had Alcoholi, I'm an alcohol, so Iknow what us like to worry about shit. I know just like to be scared. I knowit's like that. Anxiety, Hi Ani. I have high anxiety, not low anxiety, but youknow I've had alcoholics, you know when you sponsor a lot of people ye beenaround for a long time. You get to listen to alcoholics, youget to listen, you know. Initially, I got to listen to myself if I was eventalking its mine, but later on in life as you sponsor people, Ou get to listento ALCOHOLC, so you get to actually I mean when you stunin the first tenyears, worrying about yourself and worrying about your feelings whenyou're so worried about yourself and your feelings, you don't really have alot of time to listen to other people. Nor are you really quite franklyinterested you know what I mean I mean seriously. You know I mean I got my ownfucking problems. Yeah I mean I will and'll make me, feel goodand I'lltry to sponsor people and stop se from committing suicide, but realiztface. So I'm ore woried about myself, but as time goes by you actually andyou lose the fear, you lose the fear of people, UN ter economic and you loseall that stuff. All th stuff goes by the wayside. I know you don't believethat, but it's Srue I mean Itt's, not I you know my grandmasjus set used tosay: Don't put the Kun of her on it, as anybody ever had a grandmother saidthat you know that thetme don't put the curse on it, don't put the curse on itright like Ou, say: Well, I don't have yeah, don't I don't? Have I don't knowF feur any. You didn't want to say that because then all of a sudden, goill strick youDenn you'll, get the fear. You know what I mean to do that, but but thetruth of the matter is I mean if I have to be truthful, it goes it goes. I mean I'm. I might aswell tell you the truth. The book is not lying. I want to tell you this isthis is not a lie. There is concrete,...

...unneath, those Liley pats. I mean Iwant to tell you something when they say in the promises. Let me read it. Ifwe are painstaking would be better for just said. Well, I just do this Halfass,you know what do they say? Half peasures of ls what you go but well, are they lying or are theytelling the truth? Unless we winl to give up our old ideas,the result was what righ? Well they line or don't you like the Big Book Un?You like you, read the Shit Right. You read this Tuh, you don't believe it doyo. You don't believe it. You don't believe half fuctures avail, Yu nothing well depends on what the yourdefinition of nothing is. If we are painstaken about this faceViro development, we will be amazed before we half way through. We are going to know a new freedom anda new happiness. You don't even know what that is,because it's brand new O, whatever you think it. Is it ain'twhat you think it is it's a different deal. We will not regret the past andwish to shut the DON it. We will comprehend the word serenity and wewill know peace, no matter how far down the scale wehave gone. We will see how our experience can benefit. Others thatfeeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear Holy Shit. Really we will lose interest in Selfishnenggain interest in our fellows. Selfseeking will slip away man. It's haven't read this in a longtime. This is really moving stuff. It's serious. Our whole attitude outlookupon life will change. Fear of people on Econotican securitywill leave us will intofally know how to handlesituation with UCE. The baffalus wills will realize suddenly realize Godis doing for us Wat. We can't do forourself, it's vety, powerful shit.You know they read this a a lot. Do they read this at the end of thismoving? That's how impressed alcoholics arewith this deal. They read it all the time he listen, you know t would becool if it was true, I mean serious, don't you think thatwould be? What do you think Falii was true? Would that be something else? Yes, you know when I was nine yearssober- and I was doing this thing by the numbers I mean I'm not saying I wasperfect, but I was reading the Big Book back as far I was Wein, the twelve andtwelve I was reading the by. I was going a Bible study. I was reading talkabout the good old timers sponsoring people going out doing step seriesdoing this thing. I was stock raving sober nine years sober. I was brokeagain. You know what I mean course I have this. Had this tendecy Tho, youknow spend money I didn't have on Shit. I need to impress people, I didn't likeand live a high lifestyle, and I mean I'v made a lot of money, but apparentlyI learned this atten nine or ten years old. My My sponse told me when youspend more money than because I didn't understand why I was always goingbroken. That's O my sponsor tolde. When you spend more money than you make yougo into deat. Did you know that you guys are farther much more matureand intelligent than I was okay? And so so, if you've ever had money problemsbecause you're spending more money than you make you know, and so he used tosay I can solve the problem. He said you know he said he said, earn more orspend less. I want to know what option three was you see the drinking went nine yearsbefore, but the spending didn't go and the coveting things that I needed. Ithought I needed my life to make myself happy that didn't go the Romance Tat,all the other Shet that got me in trouble that I used to assuage thealcoholism which sent it in my mind on my bottom. Everything else I used onthe planet to make myself feel like. I wasn't a useless worthless piece ofcrap that didn't go, didn't go at all...

...as a matter of fact, if I was in ABS, most of the peoplethatre having problems with talk about that stuff. When I was in the moviesand watching all the movie starts everything. It was all about that stuff.When I went home a CA twenty four hour, seven, they were all talking about that stuff.Getting that stuff. Having that stuff, billionaire's millionaires, cars, youknow, Mediteranean cruises travel and everything the whole world was aboutthat stuff. You know one of the things that said inthe Bible, one of my favorite lines, a said by Jesus. He said in this worldwho saying this Tois the sublicis in this world. You will have problems but be of good cheer. I have overcomethe world. I have, I wonder what it's like toovercome the world. You know you're either going to overcome theworld or the world's going to overcome you. You know why people have problems inAlcoholis Anonis, because the world overcomes them pass. Paul said I'velearned to be content in all things. I've been poor and I'm okay, I've beenrich, I'm okay, it doesn't matter what my circumstances are. If Aus inside inside I have equadimity insiw to havepeace. You know because remember what GillWilson said when he drank again remember what he said caused them todrink again, hi didn say somebody smashed Te Bottle over SAI. He saidthis is what he said. He said worldly clamors inside of me drove me back, you see, you can stop drinking and youthink you've resolved the disease. You haven't resolved shit, do eveer resolve shit. All you've doneis the disease now goes under cover and looks. It looks like sex. It looks likesecurity. It looks like cars, it looks like it looks like everything you worryabout everything you Jones about, or youthink you know your Jones infor everything you desire that you thinkyou absolutely have to have or don't want to lose in order to feel like awoman like a man like you're, not a piece of shit that goes on for a long time. You could live a life, a quitedesperation and here sobere not drinking under the delusion that byjust not drinking you're, resolving something- and you are you know, let'sface it- I mean you're not going to kill somebody drunk driving and you're,not Gonnao, be arrested for dy, but you won't be happy. You know when people go out and theydrink again after many years sobriety or maybe just a few years, surprisethey're not drinking again, because they're craving alcohol, you know, Imean I know what the cravemen is. You start drinking you starta crave becausethat the moment before they drank this ober, not craven alcohol, they're, justcraving anything to feel better because the women I worked in in theRomanceat working in the sex ant working in the CARREAN working in thesame working and that ain't working I the the world, has they're notovercoming the world. The world has overcome them. They haven't hit that escape velocity.You know that we talked about last week where, where somehow you reach apointin here, where you know you fire a rocket up into the air. If it doesn'tgo fast enough and escape the grabitutional pull of the earth, it'llfall backwards, you could be highflying for a year ortwo or three or five or thirty or whatever it is, and somehow you get toa point where the worlds the world and its clamors start pulling your ass back in the book. It says they say it manydifferent ways. If the book they say N, he vision for you. They say here andthere once in a while and Alcoholica Guyas Been Soer fwilesays I feel better. I look better. I'm...

...having a better time said we laugh atthat Shit. We know he's going to try the old game again because he's nothappy with his sobriety. Soon. You'll know loneliness as Yow do and why is at he happy with his subriethe's, not s happy with sobriety, because he still has to decease thedisease, and the truth is just not drinking is just not enough, becausethe real disease that centers his mind, not his body, which has to do with thecrap that you don't want me to talk about you know and that nobody reallyever talks about an a anyway. They don't talk about it. An they'll tell bothe stuff do thay. You know I mean I've been to a lot of means: they're nottalking about sex and they're, not th y they'lt bloss over it they'll. Do itlike a thirty second, you know the I talkmot, because it's all in the book,it's all N, thits, bovt, O twelve, there's, no reason why we shouldn'ttalk about it, but then I talking about the things that Ar really disturbingyou you', not talking about the money orthe sex or the Romane or they're, not telling me that stuff, because you knowpeople Alcolsi be pissed off, get thim upset. You know. If you talk to an alcoholic,that's you know W T who's not entirely ready to give WHO's, not entirely readyto give up everything else and to grow in the image and likenessof his creator, which is really perfection and give up all the oher. Ifyou're talking to somebody who has'n hit that point or experience that pointor done that point, yet they react to a talk like that. The way you would reactto a talk about somebody telling you to stop drinking before you're ready tostop drinking. You remember how you reacted tosomebody Ho tried to talk to o about your drinking problem before you readyto acknowledge Hau. A drinking problem you know was, like you know, fuck you,you know, that's the way alcoholics before theyget and not everybody becomes entirely ready to give up. Himsuff listen, Ihope I'm not. I shouldn't say hope I mean I'm really saying I know, but Imean I hope I don't want to be saying stuff, that'snot in the book alcoholics, anonymous or not in the twelve and twelve. ButI'll tell you what I think. If you look at the sixth step in the twelve andtwelve, I think you look at the seventh step and all these steps and everythingI the're talking about in the book. I think you'll see that I'm pretty muchtalking about what this thing is all about. After you stop drinking, I meanlisten after the first couple of chapters in the big book. It's neverabout drinking anymore. Is it whatis that, like more about alcoholism, andthen he got bill story and something else I mean there's a solution. Theytalk about the mooze part right, but after that you got ti the chapter youchapter you know for about the God thing you get in a chapter five in sixseven, you go all the way up: thern talking about drinking anymore, right etalkng about the stuff, the worldly clamers, the being on the new BASISS,the bases of love and God, the base of making God o the central fact of yourlife they're talking about when they Om Migt being rock and afford my joinsistence. They said: here's the here's, the great fact Os this nothing lastplace your life upon. God make him. The Creator may make the Creator the themain deal in your life. You know we know that he'sle he's alive and welland lives in our hearts. We're absolutely certainly they're talkingabout that stuff. They're talking about selfishness, selfcenteredness Selfishs,what's more selfish than wanting to grab everything, you think you have tohave screw everybody else to make you happy what's more selfish than that,what's more selfish than sitting around thinking about what you need and whatyou need to have and what you have to have and how people have to live andhow they should treat you and everything. Thinking about yourself allthe time what you have lik, you don't have what's more selfish than that, youknow t I says about that stuff. It says above everything we must get rid of theselfishness. How can you geve realyhe selfishis the first problem, the firstI can promise you I didn't have a clue. I didn't have a clue really I sa whatthis disease was all about for the first fifteen years I was sor, maybethe first plenty, it's not that I didn't know anything. I mean I wasdoing movings and step series like this, but you know the kind of stuff series Iwas doing and I'm not putting it down...

...was. This is how you do the force that-and this is how you do the first tap? U This, how I did my a step has how I didmy nine step and I've actually talked about like the nuts and bolts of thesteps. You know when there's nothing wrong with that. It's a good thing andeverything like that, and but but I wasn't getting deeper into the diseaseand what the real problem was. You understand what I'm saying. I didn'treally see the selfishness, the first step in getting out of jail. Is Yougotto know you're in jail in the first place. I didn't even understand. Ididn't really think of myself. Honestly, even though I've done the the forestepan the a step, ing, all those sdepts and everything- and I saw you know I e-I didn't really think myself as selfish. I didn't really see the disease. Ididn't see the disease, I didn't think of myself as evil or selfish. I didn'tsee the disease because, because when you're living in the disease, you can'tsee the disease when you hate, you can't see hate, youjust can't see it when you're lost and you crave and you want- and you have toyou, don't see it like it's a problem. Rheret, you just, don't see it. It'sjust the way you are, and, quite frankly, you know in this world youdon't feel or see anything different than anybody else should see in thisworld. It's only on once in a blue moon. Even in a this coan happen, you runinto somebody, that's not living it living that way. They call em elder states andw. Whenyou run into like a sponsor somein who isn't focused on that stuff. I talked about alt Kennedy because he'sa good example. You know who was, I heard speak one day and and he wasand he was dying, he had six months to live and he didn't even mentioningHewas trying to help other people. It's not UNTI. You run into people that arethat have reached the scape volocity and have becomeentirely ready that yourealize that there are people you realize that the promises are true,they promises her true permit. The permanent promises are true. I don't want to put the kin of her onI'm, not I'm not saying it's. The kind of thing like I never have a bad momentor anything like that, and you know, because that would be a lie. You knowjust, but you know I mean there's a big difference between you know twice aweek having a bad moment, for you know three minutes and the Shit I'm talking about and thealcoholism the kind of alcoholism I'm talking about the kind of fear, thegross of fear, the worry, the Obsessofer that I'm talking about,which I know to be alcoholism. I don't suffer from that stuff anymore, having for years the selfpity anymore. Listen, I remember I use. How can I explain it this way, and I remember nine years sober saying: When am I going to get this? When am Igoing to lose fear of economic ansecurity? When am I going tobe rich, when am I gonto have it? You know, I remember asking I joke about.This is a true story. I woul at nine years, sbriday, I said Ral Keeth. Whatam I going to lose? Fear of, or am I going to be rich when are weGOIN NA? Have Backanon consturtane looked at me like Wat's, crazy, and itsays it Righ in the book he says he says he says what are you talking about?I said the promise, if you're a milos, the fear of back an not been security. That's a good fear. You know money's,not a big deals, just right up there with oxygen. You know where spirit, I'm spiritual, notreligion. Is that an interesting deal, the big book of Alcoholics Anonymoussays we lose all prejudice even againstorganized religion. Right we begin to see where religious people are right.Isn't that what the big book says, the fellowship of Alcoholics anonymoussays the fellowship says where spiritual, not religious, think about that for a second well, thebig book is Pureaa. The fellowship is...

...millions of Alcoholis. That reallydon't want to do this shit and most of them are going to drink that come upwith shit. To tell make them feel good about not doing this shit. You understand what I'm saying so you ow Y A know. Really you want toreally you want to really understand that most of the people now cax anonousdo not have. Over thirty years most of the people in alcohols. ANOMISare made up people that have ten years or less and they'd rather not do thisstuff. When I say they'd rather not do this stuff, I mean it's, I'm notputting thim down. I mean I was like that Du for furthat you want to youwant to. I know the kind of program you have the kind of program hat. I have the kind of program we all have, whereyou're going to do everything that you need to do, except for the shit youdon't want to do. I get that. I understand that I get that. Did you getpissed off Wat people to tell you need to do something or you should dosomething that you don't want to? Do you don't want to do that stuff? So sothe bottom line is: If you have a big book that encourages church membership,because you have to get to the point where you you develop a relationship with God,where it's so so concrete and it's so real to you and improve thatrelationship. Tit conscious contact with God. You've got to develop thatrelationship so hard on the elevent step, so that you're able to cast allyourroud worries about upon him. We used to have a San Sanna, we cal, maybethey still have it. I haven't heard E. I turned it over for years. I'd have to go through allsort of help to like turn it out. I'd, be worried about something I'd, beworried about, some'd, be worried about something and then finally would get sobad, and there was nothing I could do about. You know why we were. Let metell you something about fear. Anybody ever worry about something that theycan't stop worrying about. You ever worry about something you can't stopworrying about. Maybe that phone call that you'relooking for forward to get so you run out every five seconds, elwas that aboyfriend or what it's a, what a white, a hot line. What ae Iare you on theHodline n service? Well, God bless you good for you. What's your name, Debra Ema! Listen! I'm proud of you!That's great! I was on the A hob line for eight years. You know I was Ikeight years if you called a bay and any Friday night between the hours of likeeleven to eight and Mer. Do you get me? That's why nobody got soldierad. Someguy called me up and said you know Idron, I'm out of here. He says: Oh you!Where are you tellme? Where says well, you're, only like a mile away fr aBolto away from the a room from the DETOC. If you walk down the street thisway and go left you'll get these just you're not going to pick me up. I said Taxi Cap Company, you know what Imeanwel hat's, not the way they do it in Connecticut. You know TAT said so. What's your name, I said:Russles is Rugol what I said to some Russell. They know who I I said. You'renot goingto complain about me. I hate to lose this Jobi wantto tell my headeight years. You know I am eight years doing it because nobody else wantedThahad one. I had one nurse call up one night. She was ad a pgedn nursing. I meyou get this again. She says. Listen, he says I got a year sobriety. I've gota little child, I'm a single mother go Kach the INDERSIND, he ays a littleconcerned. He says because I started drinking again and I said I need yourhelp and and and there's only one thing. I don't want to hear anything aboutalcoholics anonymous. An I said. Well, luck is just oneproblem is jus two problems. I said he says what Siz is well number one. Isaid you know I'm five years over and I'm sober through the fellowship ofAlcoholics Anonomo. I said: That's how I stay sover through alcoholisanonymous. So I don't know what plan be. Is You understand it says yeah he says.What's the second problem, he says you...

...called alcohols a this is a serious fucking disease. LetMe Tell You something: Isaria O. where was that before Emmadisturbing? You know: Chatter, her idol, chatter, you know what I mean so so in anyway. So here's the deal Iwant to talk a little. I want to talk about the serenity stuff and everythinglike that. So so I can remember times I can absolutely you know. I've told youthat story already, I'm not going to repeat again, that's very about wheremy sponsor said it nothing, nine or ten years he said, you're upset becauseyou're upsetable stuff and everything like that you're upset, because not ofthe thing you think you're upset about you'r upset because the things of thisworld upset you you're, an alcoholic you'. You know you're restless, yourIRRIABL Isas, you're in you're, a resentment and a fear waiting to happen.You know you may not listen. You have only one problem you used to get introuble and IA've also shit happen to you because you were drinking. He saysnow. You have a lot of crap happening to you because you happen to bebreathing as long as you're on this planet,because the way you are shit everything's going to upset you, youknow it's not a thing in this world that won't upset you or get you pissedoff Isai that', your Probemi O. Well, how do you sal that at's, the drasticpsychic personality change? You know so here's the deal. I can think what I canthink of is many many times in the past during the first fifteen twenty years, when I would be worried about shit,worried about money, worried about the rent, worry about the Morage worrydabout my wife, worri about the kids worry about boss, whereabout. I canthink of so many times. I'd be worried and it's the kind of Worri where you'reup at three o'clock in the morning worrying about the same thing thatyou've been worring about for three three days. You know and and you're not stupid. You realizethat, no matter how much you worry about money, it doesn't change yourbank accountbalance. You ever notice that when you worryabout Oney, it doesn't put more money in the bank. You ever you ever notice that when youworry about a relationship, it doesn't make the relationship better. You worryabout a person doesn't change the person, but I think I think let me letme I may be wrong about this. I was just thinkig about this the other day,and this is what this is. What I'm telling you now is something that Ithink now that's come upon me that I would never think inten. I think thatin that that my problem is, is that somehow some way? I have this delusionthat if I really worry about something for a long period, it's if I reallyworry about something it'll protect me from the thinghappening. Does that make any sense like if I really worry about a person doing this or doing that, ansort of protect Im and here's the deal? And if I stop worrying about that, thenI'm really going to be fucked, Yo Jun ton. What I'm saying because somehowworry for me, I must do it because it does something. For me, it must dosomething for me, but but like alcohol, I can't I can't stop worrying. Okay, Ican't stop worrying, even though it's killing me I wake up at three o'clockin the morning I say to myself: I have this brilliant thougt. I've beenworrying about this thing for a week and nothing's changed, and I say tomyself: I've got to stop worrying about this, and then I stopp worrying aboutit again and I'm thinking that when, when youare doing something, that's selfdestructive and hurting you andisn't helping you at all, and you tell yourself you got to stop doing it, butyou continue to do it. I think you're ready for this. I think that's anaddiction. What do you think gin? I get an a men on that. You knowyou think so...

...you know what that is. That's Olcool, that's the realalcoholism. That's the real deal, you're sufferingfrom right. Now you want to know what your promise right now I just I justspelled it up for you. That's your real prop! You can't stopthinking. You can't stop wearing forget about the drinkng. You can stopdrinking, you just can't stop the thinking and the worrying and all thatsort of stuff. That's what theyr talking about this thing when they knowthe new freedom, freedom for fear, freedom from Worri, the new happiness,the new serenity, not regretting the past, not worryingwhat other people think about you, not worryg. What you look like, not worringabout that Gan I'p Bin Security in this world. You will have problems, be abityear. I've overcome the world, overcoming the world, overcoming theworldly clamers, that's what the whole deal is. How doesthat ever happen? Well, I'll tell you well well, apparently, a lot of peoplecan't turn it up. As I was going up, the ranks five years ten years fifteenyears it got easier and Easer for me to turn it over. You know when I was toldfirst I had cancer. Truth is by the time I told I I had cancer twice WenSol. First, I had cancer. The truth is it didn't bother me that much because Iwas at a point in my sobriety where I was going to church and I was Ideveloped, a pretty good relationship with God and I honestly believe hat. That point is a believenow that you know all things are possible with him, andall I have to do is trust in here Im, so I already had that relationshipgoing, but I basically sout O. I didn't worry about it, turned it over. I saidI'll do what I have to do. If I'm you know from the diamond, whatever isgoing to happen, it's in his hands, it's out of my hands, so that waspretty cool. I think that's pretty cool. I think it's Col deal you know andbefore I got sober, if I heard guys like that talk like I'm talking to, Ithink theye read the crazer and sand I wanted. I I just didn't know how to getit, but the only reason I was able to do. That is because I had a haddeveloped already after ten twelve fifteen years, a relationship with God,which is probably one of the reasons why they stressed the thing of the book,we're on a new base, the basis of Trustin reline upon God. It's probablywhy they say see. Relationship with him is rigd. Great Events Will Comera Faston you, colless others, because you here's the deal when your addiction isworrying about your life and worry about. What's going to happen to you,and you have to continue to worry, because if you don't pay attention andif you don't worry about it, something horrible's going to happen to you,there's no way you can stop that addiction, unless you can give it tosomebody else who will solve the whole problem to befor you, you understandwhat I'm saying: There's no way you can get rid of the fear of whatever youthinkis going to happen to you. Unless you can let somebody else who's morepowerful than you have it and take care of it. So you don't have to worry aboutit anymore. You know, wouldn't that be great, to have somebody in your lifewhere no matter what your concern was, you could just tell hem about it,turned over to them and they'll take care of it. They'll say relaxing youwant. Wouldn't that be great, but you see if you don't trust anybody. Ifthere's nobody, you have in your life that you can trust to handle anyproblem that comes up you're a fucking dead chicken. You will never be happy, you will always be worried. You willalways be scared. You always be up there running around trying to reststuff stuff out if this world to make yourself happy, because, let's face it,you have nobody to trust in this entire world and eventually even the personYouus trust that you think the people will. Let you down, that's why they say in the abcs. Youcan't image your life. No Human Power Crom can can do the thing for you onlyGod couldn't would if you were saw it and we have a huge fellowship thatwants to run away from God. That wants to say things well if they talkd, likethat, when I came in, I would h run away, but ONC say I'm spiritual, notreligious, because God forbid, if they...

...should get religious, you know whodoesn't want to talk about. It somehow wants to do this thing without reallydoing it. They'll jump into the water, but they're GOIN TA have a wet suit on.They don't want to get wet because then people might laugh at hem think they're,stupid and God knows one thing we want whore, everybody think we're cool. Youknow I mean, and this is all about becoming uncool and UNHIP. You know, of course, the e the secret mess CapSepel. What most people o know is when you become uncol, that's when youbecome cold becat's. Nobody like stupid people, youknow people that worry all the time and racting stupid and you don't fool anybody, except maybethe other people ou hang out with Thatar that way, so the bottom line is, is that, butthat went on for a long time. For me you know it went on for a long time. Ihonestly I'm not saying it's just it is what it Lok. I could only talk about myexperience. One of the things we share is our experience, strength, TAT, hope.If I said to you, Hey, listen, I came in here I put the plug of the jog and,after five months hey, I felt exact the way I feel today that would be a livefrom the pit of help. I could tell you that I was Wacky, you know what I meanin a good way. You know like people, you say to me, like I said next weekwhen I go up to my sponsor and I'd be worried about something or sometidbyscareme and whatever I had o. let me tell you some. I have to do a lot ofshit to be almost okay. You know I mean I had A. I had go to a lot of meetingsI had have. I had a I had to have a sponsor and a group of people in a homegroup surrounding me, because let me tell you something when you're, whenyou know your life is over and it's never going to be better again andterrible things are happening and you got shit on your mind and you're goingcrazy and you're going nuts. You know something. Let me tell you something:uless, you have a really solid relationship with that person. YouTrust that guy you trust or Galyou to whatever the god of you understand.Unless you GONT TA solve relationship. Let me tall you something you ain'tgoing to pull yourself out of that you at you you're, like a ship going downyou ain't, pulling yousoself out of that dive. You need somebody or somegroup to pull your ass out of that deal, and let me tell you some my first tenfifteen years, if soriety you know was, was pockmarkd by sponsors and mettorscoming up to me and tell me Al so its a crazy shit that pulled me out of e thedie bomb. You know what I mean. I was going down for the count and thesponsor say: Hey you're, exactly where you're supposed to be. You know what Imean cut the bullshit once just try to helpsomebody elseor. I need somebody to interrupt my committing suicide. Youknow what I mean put the fucking gun down Russell get off the cross. We needthe wood, you know what I mean. WHO gives a shit. You know what I meanI need. I needed an outside influence. You know what I mean I needed that deal.We still AL e need that deal, but and so and it wasn't, it wasn't bad und itgot progressively. If you do, this thing gets progressively better andbetter and better. So it's not that you don't experience the probmis you Iremember saying to my sponsor. I was four or five months ober and I said I said I feel really there's somethingwrong and said what he says. I don't know. I just feel really weird and hesaid what was some wrong. A hemet says no nothing's wrong at home. It says Ihat money, Promisi, no, no, the money's! Okay! You know I said at work, he said,don't know it's okay, I mean I just feel strangees Aleses, oh, that'sSurrende, don't worry, you'll get used to it. I was never used to feeling okay, Imean for me to feel okay, I'm like addicted to chaos and wore. IfI feel okay, I feel like I'm something bad is going to happen because I'm notpaying attention. I know I'm in trouble. You know- and Iad to do a lot of stuff I have to do. I did the eight years. You know. Listen,I'm not a guy who's actually trying to help people I'm trying to help myself.I had to do that stuff, like the eight year like what you're doing now and goto meetings and get. I had to do a lot of stuff just to feel almost okay and Iwould get the promises would come, but...

...they come on be for like what an hour for an hour, I wasn't worried aboutmoney. You know for not I'd sponsor somebody, I'd be talking, might behelping them out. You know for a couple of hours, I feel. Okay, you know what Imean and then you know I go to men and I feel okay, you know you know, I dothe things we do that take the action and I feel okay, and that was sobrietyfor me and that's why my sponsors sai were you're exactly where you'resupposed to be you're supposed to be. You know whatever it is three yearsober and well for a moment and then crazy. You know what I mean whateverit's just an accdent way Ding to happen. So so I was here because I wouldn'thave been hanging around here. If it wasn't working somehow working, I don'twant to make it sounds horrible, but you know everything's relative. Youknow compare to because I remember, even during the first ten years itseems to me there was always something that would happen in my life. Thatwould be worrying me and drive me crazy. I mean I lived with worry and fear andconcern and anxiety for good fifteen years so more in alcoholiics anonymous,not like debilitating, but I mean I remember the nights. I woke up a threeo'clock morning, worried about this or worried about that is it I didn't, makethe wory the worry. It took time man if you're in Aa and you've got whatever itis and you're worried about stuff, and you have Angi and everything hey.Welcome to that. That's the that. Let me tell hom that's why you hear that'sthe disease, but what I want to tell you is, even though I was gettingdiscouraged, do not be discouraged, do not be discouraged, even though I wasgetting discouraged. I promise you. I absolutely promise you that it's going to go away, you'regoing to live a life where you're going to know new freedom and new happiness,you're not going to worry about anything, maybe twice a week. You'llhave five minutes or something you know. somebodyill cut in front of you ill bemad for thirty seconds. You know you're going to live a life beyond your wildes.I promise you that don't hate me because I'm saying that to you, youknow what I mean don'll say well, who the hells is. You know I wanted to hearfrom people when I was going through the first ten or fifteen years. What Ineeded to hear is a guy coming up here and says I wanted to kill myself I wantto do. I want to give from people that were going through problems, because Iwas constantl going through problems. I needed somebody to tell me a life isincredible: I'm living the promise. I didn't need that Shit. First of all, Iwouldn't have believe them and I would have said he was and the way I think,Os, I'm an ALCI'm thinking what is better than me, or something like that.He's right. You know, but I'm telling you that this book is not lying, but Iam telling you is like for me and apparently like for Jerry and for otherpeople. I know. Sometimes you just have to persevere. The Bible says: Rejoice when you have trials of manykinds, because, as you go through the trials, if you, if you persevere andyou continue to look at God and grow and grow your relationship with God, itsays it said: Syou'll develop a faith that resests all the problems of thisworld. Resist of the byou'll overcome the world. You'll overcome the problemsI mean Shit will happen to you and you won't even notice. Do I have a problemfree life? No, do I have pretty much worry free life? Yeah, you know do allI always have all the money I want or whatever I'm fine. I'm find you knowrich poor, more or less whatever it is. I'M! Okay with it. I roll with thepunches I'm okay, I'm grateful for what I have do. I judge myself by how I lookwhat my weight is. You know what Closhe I'm wearing not like it than not likeit used to happen. You know I just stopp free of that deal. You know Imean I'm happy most, I'm sorry to report.I'm happy most of the time I apologize to I'm sorry to for it thatI'm an Alcoholican alcoholics ynonymous and I feel great most of the time Ilove going to means I love people. I have a lot of friends, okay, er here.Let's do this, let's end it this way. Okay, lest you think that I'mbullshitting you this ISN'n a story, he...

...sold himself short. Let me read this tthere's one of our stories. This latest part of my life has had a purpose, notin the great things accomplished, but in daily living courage, Tho face eachday has replaced the fears and uncertainties of earlier years.exceptance of things as they are has replaced the old impatient chopping atthe bit to conquer the world. I have stopped tuilding at windmills andinstead of have tried to accomplish the little daily tasks UNAMPORTANGthemselves, but Tasttar, an integral part of living fully where derisioncontempt and pity were once shown me. I now enjoy the respect of many peoplewhere, once I had casual acquaintances, all of whom were fair weather friends.I now have a host of friends who accept me for what I am and, over my a years,ie made many real, honest and sere friendships that I'll always cherishI'm raded as a modestly successful man, my stock material goods isn't great,but I have a fortune in friendships, courage, self assurance and anhonestappraisal of my own abilities. Above all, above all, I have gained thegreatest thing according to any man, the love and understanding of agracious God who has lifted me from the alcoholic scrap heap to a position oftrust where I have been able to reap the rich rewards that come from show itthat come from showing a little love for others and from serving them as Ican. I got that deal. I got that deal what he has I got so, if you're lookingfor something else to be served up to you and alcoholics anonymous it ain'tgoing to happen. This is the only thing alcoholics ynonymous will give you this.Is it Ishe, just put it in words, teter words and I'l pet? It in this is whatyou get out of. ALTPOX ANDOMOUSI YOUV, persevere! You're going to have to gothrough the Tom, you can have to do your forty years in the desert. Youknow at ain't going to happen like immediately you're Goinna have to gothrough t the experiences, but they're not lying too about those promises,those things that sort of come and go, and you wish they'd stay around thelast five minutes and they're gone, and you know when they're good, they'reGona be know, it'llt'llit'll become permanine, become fairly permanent. Youknow, if you get involved, Tis thing and meet you and you develop a mannerof living which demands rigorous honesty. So thank you very much.

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