AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 16 · 2 years ago

Russell S - Loneliness & The Fellowship You Crave @ Life Is Good Group 2020

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

All right again times you've got Russell. I just want to say you know, you know, you know guys all in when he drives up here ten weeks in a row and rocky on the raft in here everything else, that's a guy that's all so grand russelling. Well, okay, my name is Russell spats. I'm an alcoholic. Remember the South Dixie Group, and Y'all welcome to come down to my group sometime. It's it's about forty miles, fifty miles that way, but we get people that come down from there. It's eleven am on a Sunday morning. We have great speakers. As Matt Back, I'm the speaker secret for the group. I volunteered. I don't know what came over me, but so they know volunteered. But so so I've been bringing down people from here down there. You know, I know, and you're going to speak for me and some other people and you know and I'm just bringing people. Paul spoke for me and Peter I'm just going to speak for me and different people. I'm bringing them from up here down there. You're welcome to come on down there. We have a great meeting on Sunday. It's a speakers, meeting speakers, discussion. It's a super meaning and usually red lunch afterwards and things like that. So you're welcome to come on down. We have great cause Florida event where I got to hang out with my sponsored dion and CVB, and we had a and that that was a lot of fun. A lot of people came over to that deal and that I think that's on the Internet. I think maybe on Youtube or something, but it was really great and we had a great time. Darren, I love coming up here. It's I can't even you know, I appreciate the you know, the gratitude for my coming up here, but this is what I do, you know. I mean I don't want it to get out that I actually enjoy this, you know, because then I'll say, why do you give many credit? He likes doing this stuff, you know, it says. It says once you make a decision for God, all sorts of remarkable things happen. He'll give you everything you need if you stay close to you stay close to them and performance work well, and our work was be a maximum service to people. So what happens when you're actually doing what you think God wants you to do? And you're actually enjoying it. What happens when you start enjoying it? The I mean, doesn't count. I don't know. I mean what I mean. I understand when you go to meetings and your sackrice and really don't want to go to meetings because you got to stay home and watch the rerun a star Trek that you saw a fifteen thousand times. You know, go out with that girl or you know, maybe it's your night to shampoo the canary or something, and you got all sorts of excuses, and I'd like to make it, but tonight's tonight. I watched the Canary, you know. But what happens when you start enjoying going to mean he's you for that or something. I think that's a good thing. When you start enjoying doing God's wills, that your own will. I mean, the third step becomes a little lazy, doesn't you know, because you don't even have to make the decisions. You just do what you want to do. It happens to go inside with the Lord wants you to do, so it's a good deal. So you know then, since is like the fifth talk, you know, one would think it's about the fifth step maybe, maybe not, but I'm just going to mention something about that deal. I'm not going to go into how to do it or anything like that. You can read the Big Book and tells you all about that. You're going to ask you a sponsor and you know, but I'm going to best it's and they have to do with that. I'm going to read a few things to you, tell some personal stuff regarding my life. I am found a stary. Have a drink since January twenty two, one thousand nine hundred and eighty one, so as I liked Sam in my forty year of sobriety. So I get to round up instead of thirty nine, you know. But so I've been doing this for a while. So I'm going to read a couple things to you which maybe has something to do with this, maybe not. We'll see how this all wraps up. Just three things. I picked that. The first thing is from vision for you in...

...the book, and then read something from two stories. This is on page one hundred and fifty one. Now and then a serious drinker, being dry at the moment, you guys are all you guys are alcoholics, right. So I'm going to suggest that I'm going to put you in the bucket. I don't need to take your avatory you know, but I think I can. I'm going to put you, I'm going to lot of you guys, in the bucket of being serious drinkers. Okay, now and then, as serious drinker, being dry at the moment. So which pretty much applies to me and you. We're dry up a moment, says, I don't Miss it at all. Feeling better, work better, having a better time. As X problem drinkers, we smile at such sally. We know our friends. Is like a boy whistling in the dark to keep up his spirits. I never understood that. You know, sometimes you read things in the big book and it doesn't make any sense to you and then down the road and it starts making sense because they based a lot of his book on experience. Sometimes you just have to experience things that you never experienced before. You know, my that all my my sponsor used to say. When a man with experience gets man with money, the man with experience and walk away with the money and the man with the money will walk away with an experience. And I I would find the I would need these guys in a and they'd ask me the their sponsor, and I'd say to them, well, I suggest something to me, me me here and meet me at a meeting, and he says, why can't make it or whatever. They give me the excuse and I'd say, well, you know, if you really want to say, he says, don't even worry, I'm never going to drink again, I ain't never going to drink again. I'm done with it. I ain't never going to drink again. And then every time someone do would say that to me, within a week or so they'd be drunk. Every time some would come up to me and pronounce they never going to drink again. And I'm telling you with feeling, there was sincere. They mentor they drink. And the guys that were always worrying about drinking again, they were never confident like that. They were always worried about trying again. They always stayed sober. And and so what happened was when you, when you, over a period of ten years, set to the point where everybody time to meet somebody, they say, don't worry, I never going to drink again. Everything's going great, you don't have anything to worry about. Me, I don't even want I don't even want to drink. You know what I mean? Every time you meet somebody like that and you've heard tenzero they always drink, you sort of you know what's going to happen. I mean you don't wish anything anybody, but you know, you know, they haven't got it. They haven't figured out in their got the idea of powerlessness. They really believe that they can sort of like pronounced victory over alcoholism. You know, they can't really believe they could say, don't worry, I got this thing blest and say it with sincerity, like I used to say every morning why I get up, I'm not going to drink today, and then I'd be drunk and that some how the disease won't like respect that Shit. You know what I mean, like I'm the disease. I always says he's not going to drink today. Yeah, good, that's exactly why I want them to think. You know, you know so. So I after dealing with people who were constantly same things that were made them overconfident. That's like that quote I did from the Apostle Paul, the thorn on the side of the thorn, and where he said to keep me from this two thousand years ago. You don't know what it is, but the Apostle Paul said they can print it,...

...so I'm not sure. You said to keep me from becoming conceited. My sponsor, you say the thing that really gets out. I said the problem without boxes they get too well too fast. You know. They what kills him is complacency and elation. They can completely get elated and happy and they get complacent. And the Apostle Paul said to keep me from becoming conceited, which is sort of like cocky, cocky alcoholics are cocky. Keep me. You know. You know the you know our chief characteristic is defiant. I don't know what defiance sounds like. I think it sounds like something like well with me, excuse my linus, but it's shoot with me. Defiance sounds like this, go fuck yourself. It's pretty much covered by going fuck yourself. Sometimes I'll say it out loud, I'll say to something, let's just go fuck yourself. Most of the time I just say to my mind, fuck this guy, fuck this guy. You know what I mean. I just I don't know. I'm sorry. I speak alcoholically and I think alcoholically and nobody identified for that Shit. But you know, that pretty much sums up my state. That you can see. I'm an alcoholic. My disease has, to a certain extent, the symptom my disease is I drink. I drink to the point where I lose everything. I drink to the point where I'm I'm undercutting the feeding my life, and even when I say to myself I'm not going to drink, drink again or I'm not going to drink, I continue to drink and I have this disease called alcoholism. But oddly enough, this crazy disease, the alcohol, is just a some of my disease. I have disease that center's in my mind, not my body, and it's and it sounds like, go fuck yourself. That's what it sounds like. And I can never get sober. And the reason I can't get sober is no matter what information I'm given, after I'm giving the information, assuming I'm even listening, which, quite frankly, I'm fucking not. You know what I mean. You lost me when you started cutting me off and opening up your fucking mouth. You know what I mean. I'm not even listening to you. But even if I started listening to as soon as you started saying things like well, you know you have to do, my mind blanks you out by saying fuck you, and of course you ran into come into so I'm but you would understand that because I suffer from the grave. But they call that great emotional and mental disorder. You just have like the milder form. I have a serious deal with this disease. You know so, and I'm not scared to talk about it. You know, because you got to know what you got. You know, the first step and gotten out of jail is knowing your gail in the first place. And you don't really have a drinking problem. If you're going to hear you have another drink, you have a go fuck yourself problem. There's some guy in back of the room right now and it's mine, you know. He's saying who don't fuck? Is this? I didn't come here to hear that. I didn't come in here to hear this. Shita. By the way, that guy's all fucked up now. You know what I mean. I've mind fucked them. You know what I mean. I was going to be one of those takes where's some guy who's hyper religious or legalist is going to say kind of fucking guy is the same fuck all the time, you know. But that's just because shit like that bothers you know. And whenever, whenever you're disturbing, matter what the cause or something wrong with you, it doesn't really bother me anymore. You know, I don't want to have them. Seventy years old. I don't want to spend I spent most of my life forty, fifty, sixty years of being bothered by Shit. I don't feel like being bothered by stuff anymore. But you know, if I have another ten or fifteen to twenty years, or maybe just to night, I just don't feel like being bothered anymore. But which is what we're going to talk about. That whenever anything. But so let me read the rest of this because once again I'm doing that I can go off. You know, we smile at such sally. We know our friends is like a boy whistling in the dark. To keep up his spirits, he fools himself inward Lee. He...

...would give anything to take half a dozen drinks and get away with them. He will presently try the old game again. That's why I was saying to myself, said, well, how do they know he's going to drink. Yet the guy saying he's not going to drink, the guy saying he's saying I'll never drink again. How do they know? And then you meet a thousand people and they all drink whenever they say should, like you said. Well, that's how they know, because everybody acts like they are have power on this disease that's up drinking, because they don't know what it's like to they don't they don't understand. They don't understand the concept of knowing that the only reason you're sober today is because of the grace of God and going to meetings and doing all the stuff you have to do, because you think they absolutely realize that outside of God's grace and his power and this room, when your people, I would be drunk and suicidal. See, I got to tell you something. I don't want to drink today and I trust God that he will keep me away from that and I be sorry to drink, but I am just as absolutely sure that if I turn my back on God and I didn't do what I was doing, I'd be drunk young. So I'll never you'll never hear me say I never going to drink again. You will never hear me say. I have never said that I will never drink. As a matter fact, I'll say I get hi what I will pronounce to you with assurances. I have to know that I could be drunken hour from this. I could be. I could be drunk and drinking, and now I said so. I'll hear people say I can't drink. Well, I can drink. I would never say I can't drink. I can drink. It's not be your guys. I got money in my pocket, I got credit cards, I could drive out from her or drop the first live in eleven going. I could drink. You know what I mean. I there's no question I could drink. I could be drunk in an hour. I understand that. You know I think. I think you have to understand that. If you're not lucky, you can drink. Don't tell you somef he can't drink. You can't drink. That's the scary part. You can drink. How do you get the point where you don't want to drink? How do you get to the point where you don't want to that's a interesting deal. We know, our friends, is like a boy whisting in the dog to keep up his spirits. He fools himself inwardly, he would give anything to take them half a dozen drinks get away with them. He will presently try the old game again for years and happy with his sobriety. Apparently, could be sober and not happy. I know about that too, because, because I know what it's like to be sober and not happy, I know about that. You cannot picture. Well, you know about that too. You just don't know. You don't know about that. You that you just don't know. You know about that. You see, you don't know what you don't know. You I know what it's like to be sober but not happy. You may not know what it's like to be sober and not happy because you think you're happy, but the reason you think they're happy is because you haven't made it happy yet. I don't know that makes any sense. You See, when you get to the point where you actually know the new freedom and you know the new happiness and you don't regret the past and you have that at quamity and you will know what is it said, you will know peace and tranquility when you get to that point, whenever, that is fifteen, two thousand and twenty five, that when you get to that point, you'll look back at five years and three years and two years you'll say I never want the times when you thought you were doing okay and you'll say I never got to go back to that fucking place again, and they'll say, yeah, I outsa I can't explain it. At the time I thought I was doing okay. That was like horrible compared to this, just like wherever you are right now it's horrible complaint paired to a year ago or three months ago. You know what I mean, because you keep on growing and growing and growing. So it's not unusual to for the first, you know,...

...ten or fifteen, twenty years, to be I don't know what you would call it. I guess you call it trudge and trudge, and I mean really hard trudge. And I guess you'd call it sober and grateful at times and experiencing some of the promises, but just but it's still being sort of like a bitch, you know, with anxiety, you know, still having anxiety and worried fear and anger and loneliness. I guess you'd call at that whatever you would call they would have a name for it. It's not like being it's not like a dry drunk, but it's sort of like it's sort of like not drinking and feeling good at times, but also sometimes you knew that you're sort of like in a place where you know there's something, you're missing something. It's like that's what I thought. I thought when I, you know, five years, ten years, I would see these old times and I knew I was missing something. Nine Years Sobriety. I lose my credit cards, I mean I'm doing step, thinking, some sponsoring people, I'm doing everything, you know what I mean. And the people my group thought I was sober, and I thought I was sober and I was picking up dallions and but I would still wake up at three o'clock morning worried about money and I'd still, at times, you know, be lonelier. So it's I'd still have those feelings, feelings I hate, fucking feelings, feelings, you know, and I used to say to myself, what is this? What is this fucking thing go it? What is this going to go away? I've been this damn a thing for nine years, man, I'm doing everything. When am I going to stop worrying about this bullshit? When is this going to happen? When I'M gonna lose, you know, that sort of stuff. It really didn't even help knowing why you're not. I need to do the fourth stuff of the cows come home, you know, make you feel at a bit. When you going to stop doing this shit? You know, what am I going to get on that cloud, you know, and I mean rocket, in the fourth dimension of her horribleness? What does that? What am I gonna get it? What am I going to know piece, you know, like what am I going to get to that deal that they're talking about? You cannot let picture life, says. He will presently try the old game again, for isn't happy with his sobriety. He cannot picture life without alcohol. Someday he will be unable to imagine life either, with alcohol without it. He will know loneliness as few do. I'm going to talk. I like talking about loneliness, being lonely, because the first unless, until an alcohol accepts his alcohol and all its consequences, that's surprised to be preparing some true happiness. Oh No, not all, because I think it's important to understand that if you're an alcoholic, you're lonely. You're lonely you are. Well, you are one lonely son of a bitch. Yeah, you need that TV, you need to be texting, you need to be looking at your phone, you need to do anything. You need that constant thinking, a thousand miles per hour. You need to be constantly occupied, you need to be constantly diverted and looking at the world and run around and think and think and think it, because if you don't do that, you're gonna be sucking on the muzzlow gun because you are so lonely, you're so empty, you are such a piece of shit. Oh, when do I start getting into the really bad shit? You know what I mean? Oh, I know, I didn't have me. I came here to be uplift. It lifted on this. Alcoholics are great. Don't you love them? I love alcoholics. The only people say you're a fucking piece of shit, you're going to die, you're lonely, your life is fucking over. Can Be stuck on a gun and they go into a hysterics. You know, it's Oh, I like this guy, you know, give me more of this shit. You know? Well, because because you're not lonely anymore. You're not only anymore, because we're all laughing...

...together. So you know you're not alone. You know you finally gone to a place. Not Out there, they don't know who know you are. Out there. It's lonely out there. Nobody knows you out there, but in here we all know each other. That's why I can talk to you, why I took us. We're all the same. It's a finally I made it. These fucking people understand me. I thought I was crazy and now I know I am crazy and it's a good thing. Okay, you want to be at the prejumpin off place. He will wish for the end. So I read that. I got to read. I think we're getting somewhere here. So this is I acoholics, anonymous. Number three. It would be hard. This is Bill Gotson, the guy, the man on the bed, you know on that picture, came to believe. You know, they got the Bible there in their sitting there. And Oh, I didn't finish that Apostle Paul statement. It's just he says, says to keep me from becoming conceited, because the Paul said, he's the one who said I've learned to be content in all things. The secret to keep it from coming conceited God gave me a thorn in my flesh. It says, a messenger from Satan. I gave it. I prayed to God to take away from me. They don't tell you what it is. I mean, it could have been anything. Could have been horrible stuff. Could have been alcoholism, drug addiction, could have been the women thing, you know, the sexical be anything. He says. He said it was just killing cray. Please take this away from me, you know, I think I did that one. Somebody knees to God about the booze. Said take this away from me, he said, and God said to me, this is what he said. He says I will not, he says to keep me from becoming conceited cocky, says, I will not take this from me, this thorn, this problem you have. You know, I say I'm a grateful alcoholic. I'm grateful at it. If they gave me a they said, here's a pill, you won't be an alcoholic anymore. You want to go to those meetings, whet to talk to those people, you can go. I can have a drink it too. You go to Kentucky, Derby, anything. I turned the fucking thing down. I turned it. I turned the deal down, you know, he said. He he said to keep me from comes, he gave me the storm in my flesh, he said. He said, I will not take it away from me. He says, my grace is sufficient for you. I like there at the words, one day at a time, because when you're weak, I'm strong, says, when you're weak, you're strong. But what it means when you're weak, I'm strong in you. You know when where week, when we're turning towards God, when we're going to Ay, when we're talking to people, that we're at a strongest. When we're at a weakest is when we're acting like big shots. So it would be hard destiny how much a has done for me. This is bill dootson talking. I really wanted the program. You know, in each one of these statements done by alcoholics is probably something buried in there, deep in there, that has something to do with this disease and something to do with recovering. I don't know. It would be hard destiny and how much a has done for me. I really wanted the program and I wanted others to go along with it. I noticed that others, here we go, I owned this. I noticed that others seem to have at least happiness, something I thought a person ought to have. I was trying to find the answer. I knew there was even more, something I hadn't got. That was me, no matter how good God I knew I was missing something, and I remember one day, a week LD do after I come out of hospital, Bill was at my house talk to my wife and me. We were eating launch and I was listening and trying to find out why they had this release that they seem to have. Buildup across my wife and said to her hack, Henrietta, the Lord has been so wonderful to me, curing me of this terrible disease that I just want to keep talking about it and telling other people. I thought, I think I have the answer. Bill was was a very, very grateful that he had been released from this terrible thing and he had given God the credit for having done it and he's so grateful about it he wants to tell other people about it.

That sentence. Lord has been so wonderful to me, curing me of this terrible disease that I just want to keep telling people about it. Has Been a sort of a golden text for the a programmers. From me well, it does say, above everything, we must get through this selfishness. We must, or kills of God makes that possible. Maybe have something to do with that. So let's go to the next day. So this is it. He sold himself short. One of my favorites and quotes. These last eighteen years have been the happiest of my life. Try though that statement may seem, fifteen of those years I would not have enjoyed had I continued drinking. Doctors told me, before I stopped, that only three years at the outside to live. This latest part of my life has had a purpose, not in the great things accomplished, but in daily the living. Courage to face each day has replaced the fears and uncertainties of earlier years. Acceptance of things as they are has replaced the old impatient chopping at the bit to conquer the world. I know that Shit. You know. You're here, you want to be there. You're there, you want to be here. You have this one to have that. Man, I'll tell you a thousand different thoughts about myself and other people and what I need and what I have to have, and and if only, or any yes butter, and if I only had this on a young man. I'll tell you unbelievable. I have stopped tiking at windmills in instead of tried to accomplish this. The little daily tasks on important themselves in themselves, but tests that are an integral part of living fully. Where derision, contempt and pity were once shown me, I now enjoy the respect of many people. Where once I had casual acquaintances, all of whom were fair weather friends, I now have a host of friends who accept me for what I am, and over my AA years I made many real, honest, sincere friendships that I shall always cherish. Here we go. Here's the deal. I'm rated as a modestly successful man. My stock of material goods is not great, but I have a fortune in friendships, courage, self assurance and an honest appraisal of my own abilities. Above all, this is the deal. Above all, the great fact is. This is the great above all, in all these guys, you and all these guys with the spillwell said, ability, there's always this, above all with a great fact. It's always there. It's like a common denominator. You can see it in all the ragits and all the pages. Above all, I have gained the greatest thing, the great fact, the greatest thing accorded to any man, the love and understanding of a gracious God. There he is again, here he is, he's right there. I wouldn't want to talk about God. I might scare the new comer away. The love and understanding of a Gracioust God who has lifted me from the alcoholic scrappy to a position of trust where I have been able to read the rich rewards that come from showing a little love for others and from serving then as I can. Well, I want the crowd. I wanted that deal. I didn't even know what existed. I told you, what's that meaning? One time I was seeing one sober and I saw Al Kennedy speak and yeah, like thirty years and he was. It was incredible speaker. I mean I know he was incredible speaker. He was just was. He was authentic, no bullshit. You know, he was a man's man in the sense that, you know, he was strong, but he was an arrogant and he was confident in himself and he was and then an event. So he was shed after me and I turned my sponsorhen I said, you know, went where? Can we hang out? where? This guy and he says he's done my spots. To me he's dying. I didn't understand. How do...

...you ever turns five like t have that he's dying. He just did a meeting, you know. I said he's dying, he's got six months to live. Said, you didn't say that. As I know, six months later it was dead and my vision about what this program was about. You know. You know that part where it says I knew. I knew there was something more, something I hadn't got. Man, I got to tell you something. For First Fifteen years, twenty years my sobriety, I knew there was something I hadn't got. I knew. I there were certain people in AA that I used to go around. I used to follow them around and I used to watch them and I knew they had so Brian Knights of bright. I knew it was a different deal. They had something, I'll Kennedy, and I wanted that Ol Kennedy stuff. How do you get the point where you're dying and you're in an a meeting trying to help out? How do you get to that deal, you know, deal where you're willing to go to any lane? You only go to any length and be happy about it. You know that kind of you. That's really something. So I'm I'm walking with my sponsor. When they had about three months, I had a bad I had a bad day. I used have bad days, bad years, bad months. He's been a bad week. You know that, which usually means, you know, I had a bad five minutes, but you know, I was I was very sensitive, and so I told them. I said, I said the program is not working. Sin It's not working because it had been working for a bad three or four days, you know, or something that I was I was on that pink cloud, I suppose, whatever that was, I said, but I wasn't working. Something happened, you know, maybe my wife looked at any funny, who knows? I don't know. So I said, it's not working. I said it's not worriing as it's not working. He says, why did you have me Drake Tis? No, I don't things. It's working. He says, I'm doing every I said, I'm doing everything. I say, this is you're doing everything. This is yeah, I'm doing everything. I was doing everything, you know, because an AA, if you're going to a few meetings, you feel like you're doing everything, you know, and I'm doing everything, he says. He said, well, you, you're probably one of the I met. I don't know what it was about me. I mean I'm such an Asshole, I really am. I'm such a smart ass, you know, and so I deserved getting the sponsors. I really needed sponsors that work for castic assholes that used to beat me up and I needed abuse of sponsors should I deserved it. So I told him. I said it's not where. He said, well, you must, you're you know, I think you're probably one of the rare ones, and I looked like I says, what is this? Yeah, I think you're one of the rare words. I said the rare ones. This is that. I think you're one of the rare ones. And now I'm thinking I've been telling this guy that I'm different. He's finally recognized it. And I said the rare ones. He said, yeah, the rare ones, one of the Raal ones. He's so I told my id it's doing everything in the program was where he is. You're one of the real ones. Is Real. Wis Is. What's that said? What I talk about it every meeting. I said. They never talked about just as they talk about it every you mean you go to so what I'm mean going to meet said. Never talk about the realisas yeah, they talk about it, don't they say? Rarely have we seen a person to help who is thoroughly followed our path. You just said you're doing everything and it ain't working. You're obviously was it the AA a? He's not working for you. You need to leave. Imagine, I can imagine my sponsor tell me I have to leave a a. You know, most of MONSOS down. People go to more meetings, and he's told me get the fuck out, you know, get out of here, you know, and I'm gonna leave because I was so scared. Lyad's just to leave. Just don't tell me you're doing everything. It's not. Well, have you done the four step? Well, no, it is. I'll tell me you're not doing everything. You know what I mean? And I I went to I went to a meeting. I used to...

...go with a lot to meets with him a lot and I went to a one time I went without him to a meeting. I didn't know a lot of people in the you know, I knew him and I knew some people and the home group, but I didn't know a lot of people and and I saw I went to the South Day room on a Sunday and it was packed. It was like this many people, but they were serving breakfast, you know, so you got a big draw without keys and food, and they were and they're like, you know, tip of alcoholic thing. They're all at tables giving each other high fives, laughing, like a having a good time. So I walk in there, I'm all alone, I know nobody. I know no body. And now, of course, if I was drinking, that would have mattered, because I would have I would have immediately known a lot of people real fast. Okay, and because that drinking sort of somehow breaks down the barrier, you know, especially with other alcoholics, just breaks the barrier. Then some there's some sort of barrier. There's something, there's something. There's a barrier between me and you. It's a barrier. I can't know you, you can't know me. I'm scared of you and your judgment. There's there's like a barry. I can't I can't break it out. It's like in a coffin. But if I drink, I can break through that son of a bitch. You know, it's like Hafits, like substitute. Sobrit it's like being is it's like the same sort of feeling you feel when you're with people that love you and know you, like in an a room, but it's a substitute. You do it with drugs and so. But I wasn't drinking, so I had the barrier, you know what I mean. So I'm sitting there at the bar and and I was feeling I had that an incredible feeling of and everybody's laughing. You know, I know that feeling. I knew that feeling before because I used to do a lot of stuff, you know, when I was drinking, before I came to Aa, I would do a lot of stuff not to be lonely. Now I want you to understand something I'm saying. I know what I'm saying. I'm do a lot of stuff not to be lonely. When you're doing a lot of stuff not to be lonely, you don't know you're doing stuff not to be lonely. It's not like you say, well, lonely, I'm going to do stuff. You're just it's in the book they called restlessness. It's you. You just get up and you go and you run and you do and you go shopping and run around, you do stuff, but it's all because, sitting by yourself at your house, you want to blow your brains out. It's just you're doing stuff, your substitutent activity and running around and going places to feeling like you're not a worthless piece of shit. Yeah, you don't know. You See, I'm telling you something I know after thirty nine years of sobriety. That's the why I act and what I was and what was going on. You don't know that you're going on the cruise and you're flying to Japan and you're dating this scal and you're making these calls. You don't know that the whole life is about doing whatever you can so you don't feel like a lonely piece of shit. You don't know that, but that's what's happening. Okay, I'm talking about myself. I'm not so about you. I can tell you that. I can tell hopefully you're not identified with any of this shit, but let's then you'd have a bad case of this deal so in any of it, so I would. So I recognize the feel and the booze. The alcohol somehow helps you not feeling lonely. As a matter of fact, I got to a point where I could drink and feel not lonely by myself. I would like imagine I was like in a bar and like singing on stage and to be girls, all goodlooking, lusting after me. You know what I mean, and also you could. You can have this great imagination about yourselfing. But...

...let me tell you how bad it gets. It gets so bad that it got to point with me, with the booze, where I would be in a bar with three hundred people drinking and I would feel more lonely than if I was with at with myself, sitting next to the phonograph playing like my alkie songs, like only the lonely. I missed the blue or something like that, Raida's and Monday's or whatever. You know, I felt less lonely sitting alone, drinking, listening to sad music. Then sitting the bar surrounded by three hundred people, are being in a stadium. It gets so now you don't understand what Hell's going on with hoppes. You just going to you it's just alcoholism. But what happens is you ultimately understand it. You go because then you sober up and you stop drinking and then you get to experience that loneliness sober. You und still you get some experience loneliness sober, which is just a consequence of being an alcoholic, and you think it's like you don't know what it is. So you say things to your sponse like it's not working, and why is it not working? Because you can't even tell him why it's not working, because it's not working because you feel empty and lonely and you don't really understand that there's nothing wrong with you. That's just alcoholism that centers in your mind, not your body, and that's what you've been dealing with since you were two years old and that's why you drank and that's why you couldn't stop thinking and running and going and doing and buying and spending and doing that Shit. Your whole life was a wreck running away from that loneliness. But now you get to experience of course, for the first week or two or a month or five or six or howe very long it is, you just think there's something terribly wrong with you. But and of course there is something wrong, but it's a spiritual thing and you all to me learn. It's a disease and the good news is is that you're in a pro we have a program for that. It's called alcoholics anonymous. It has to God. And soon as you surrender that, it gets better. And News, Liz, takes about twenty, twenty five years, you know, fully developed. I don't make the rules. I'm talking. Sorry about that. It's just I mean, that's the deal. You got, not the better to do with your life anyway, so you might as well hang around and and do it, you know, and listen. Don't dissolve bullshit, don't listen. No, really, I mean I you know, I'm not lying to you about myself, but I can tell you guys are a cut up. You'll probably be okay in a week or so. You Hell be okay. So, so the so that loneliness things. So what happens is you start understanding what, what that is. And and guess what, here's the great part. You got it even now. But you don't have it now. And the reason you don't have it now is because you're not lonely now, because you're in fellowship now and you're not lonely. I'm not lonely and you're not lonely. That's why I'll try you. I'm now now, this is funny. This this has a little bit to do with the fifth step, because it has to do with the ability to communicate and actually have a relationship with other people that is on a basis that's so deeper than superficial relationships, which is what we all crave. God, you know what? You know what says the big book. He says God will show you how to create the fellowship you crave. Did you know that's in the big book? God will show you how to create who's going to show you? What's it going to show to create the fellowship you what crave? You probably didn't even know you create a fellowship. You thought you created alcohol. Now you don't have the alcohol. Now you crave fellowship, but you don't know how to do fellowship because you got the fucking wall. You got the fear people. I know you have to fear people. Just promise that you'll lose fear people. So you must ad you got to have an order to lose...

...it. It's part of the insanity. So you lose for your people. Part of losing the fear of people. As you go to meetings, you start sharing, they start sharing, you start trusting, you do the fifth, fourth step. You do the fifth step. You have a sponsor constantly sharing, sharing, now one of the things I've noticed that happens is very interesting. Is Thank God I get to associate with newcomers now. There's not much you can do for a newcomer, really is really you can't fix them. You can't. You can't fucking fix something. I'm telling you, they just you know, you can't fix their too there too crazy. You're talking to them and you're giving them the best fucking a vice you can give them. You think that they're listening to you. They're listening to the fucking squirrels. There's fifteenzero squirrels going on their mind. Not. That's even if they even let you talk. You know they're interrupting you. They're still talking. You say no, listen you. They're they're same thing. Well, every once while they react to some you say. They'll say something. You realize this guy listening to a fucking word. I'm saying. It's true, especially during the first years. So that's the where they are. However, however, here's what I see with newcomers. Here's when I see the newcomers. We got guys that they are squirrelinging, crazier than a son of a bitch, and they say, what do we go? saw where going? Sets as me. We're going to sawhere eyes how we really guys this. Well, come down and meet us for lunch on such and such a day. And they meet us for lunch. So we're going to have launching Antoana and then we're going to go to meet and they start hanging around the group. They do nothing except hanging around other alcoholics. And you know, we do what we do with newcomers. We beat them up, we abuse them, you know, we say mean things to him, we're sarcastic, we tell them are stupid, all that sort of stuff. And and what we noticed is that a month and two down their own, they're like completely different people. They're completely different people because they start realizing they're not alone. They start realize that there are people that are like them, that love them. They love them not because they're perfectly love the because they're just fucking nuts, you know. So I'm in the south date room and I'm feeling alone and I know nobody and I look up and behind the podium is this sign and the sign says you are not alone. I don't know, I must be crazy and I wanted to do what you guys said. I knew that God put that sign there, Josh, for me and all tend to have the loneliness lets that lifted from it. I felt great as a man. I'm not alone. What a blessing to be in a car by yourself but never be by yourself. What a blessing to never feel like you're alone. What a blessing to believe that you know, you feel that you never one. So you get you do the F step, you do the fifth step. It deals with the loneliness. It deals with the fear. You're able to come into meetings like this and talk to people, be honest with people. You know you don't have to be smart. You know I don't prepare for me what a prepare for meetings. I just told my story and tell me when what I am. You know what I mean and you know, since I'm not scared of Y'all, you know I'm you know I just, I just, I'm just honest. Well, you have Bena is honest. You know, once you one, how to fake that. You got to make you know and you know. And so here's what happens. Is like sonar, so I just honestly share about myself. And now, of course, I'm doing all the talk about I'm really not because you're talking to I'm listening to you because, like SONA, because I send it out and it bounces right. That bounces back in your laughter, Lace back in the fact that there ain't fifty million people talking to here. You're all looking at me because you're interesting, W I have to say, because you're just what I have to say, because I'm saying things that have to do with you. So I...

...know I'm communicating with you and I'm not alone. It's the greatest feeling in the world not to be alone. That's why meetings and groups like us are it's addictive. God will show you how to create the fellowship you pray. Look, every Saturday night I was out there looking for her, you know, all looking for the one that black out, who's going to fix me? Never fix me. was all temporary stuff, you know what I mean, and it was always kind of fixed. That left me with jealousy and feeling sorry for myself or, you know, somehow hurting her hurts. You know what I mean, this is the true fellowship, you know, it's not based on trying to get something from somebody or any that stuff. It's just based on just true fellowship, you know, with common situation and for common goal and things like that, and it really works. And that's why these steps, they're there. What do they call me? Spiritual exercises. That basically a Neville the sufferer, to lose the desire for drink and become happily and usefully whole. That's what it's about. That's what it says in the twelve and twelve. Become happily and usefully whole, to become like that guy that that last story I read. He sold himself short. He said how he's lifted from the scrap peep of alcoholism, you know, where he could be show little love for others and be and be kind to them and things like that and and not feel alone and not have all these squirrels run around, this craziness and restlessness and run around and having to do something and think about some having to be having to think all the time. Wow, I can't. You can't a dad, you can't get upset Abo alcoholics. That can't have stop talking to can't stop thinking. I can't stop because it's the disease. They don't do it on purpose, they can't help it. I don't come in an alcohol when you know, I sometimes we're from working somebody. I have to yell him and say shut the fuck up, just to get their attention, to try to say them. You know, it's like an emergency. You know, it's like an Murdey, you know, somebody's you know, you just have to stop their art or something. You got to stop them, you know, and lock them up or something, in a freezer or something like that. But but the truth is, I know they can't help it. I know it's the disease. I know if you find yourself think and think and think and thinking, it's all bad shit about yourself and other people, as you driving yourself nuts and you can't stop thinking, I know it's not your fault. You don't have to feel like peace. Guys, it's just the disease of alcoholism. You know, enjoy what you have it. You know what I mean. I will enjoy. Just set yourself. I'm a fucking alcohol come crazy, you know. I think I'll just go to a meeting, or call it my sponsor you know, one day, twenty five years from now, it's all going to work out right, okay, thank you very much.

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