AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 16 · 1 year ago

Russell S - Loneliness & The Fellowship You Crave @ Life Is Good Group 2020

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

I again time O got resson. I just wantto say you know: Noif Yo know is all in when he drivesup here. Ten weeks in a ROA, finrtghat'gramy name is Russell spats.I'm an alcoholic. Remember the Soutixi group and Yall ar welcome. Come down tomy group sometime. It's it's about forty miles, fify miles that way, but we get people that come down from Iit's Elevenan am on a Sunday morning. We have great speakers as matter back,I'm the Speager Sik for the group. I volunteered- I don't know what cameover me, but so he no wante volunteer ve. So so I'vebeen bringing down people from here down there. You know,I know and you're going to speak from me and some other people, and you know what I'm just bringing peoplePaul spoke for me and Peter Ramis, going to speak for me and differentpeople, I'm bringing them from up here down. There you're welcome to come ondown there. We have a great meeting on Sunday and so speakers mad its pig,gour discussion. It's a super mein and usually roun on Chapterwotd, and thingslike that. Soyo welcome to come on down. We had Greak Coss Florida event where Igot to hang out with my sponsor dion and CBB, and we had a, and that was a lot of fun. A lot ofpeople came over to that deal and that I think that's on the Internet,thin, maybe on youtube or something, but it was really great and we had agreat time there and I love coming up here. So I can't even you know. Iappreciate the you know gratitude my coming up here,but this is what I do you know I mean I don't want it to get out thet. Iactually enjoy this. You know as a say, what do you go? Mane credit helikes doing this stuff. You know it says it says once you make a decisionfor God. Also it's remokal things happen. He'll, give you everything ineed. If you stay close to MOU, stay close to them and perform ace work welland my work is the amacium service to people. So what happens when you're actually doingwhat you think, God wants you to do and you'R actually enjoying it? What appens,when you start enjoying it, but I mean, doesn't count I don't know I mean what I mean. I understand whatyou go to Benn, your sacrificand really don't want to go means because you'rather stay home and watch that we run a star track that you saw fifteenousandtimes an Kno'l go out with that girl or you know, maybe it's Yornights a Shampo,the canary or something, and you got all sorts of excuses, an I'd like tomake it. But tonight tonight I watch the canary, you know, but what happenswhen you start enjoying going to metin she e for that or something I think.That's a good thing when you start enjoying doing God's will and steadyour own. Will I mean the third step in comes a little lazy? Doesn't you know,because you don't even have to make the decisions just do what you want to doand have is to go inside what the Lord wants you to do. So it's a good deal. So you know I this islike the fifth talk. You know one wil think its about thefist that maybemaybe not B, I'm just ging to mention something about that deal. I'm not going to go into Howt to do itor anything like that. You can read the Big Buck and tell youall about that. You're Goin to as you sponsor, and you know T, but I'm beentalk that m they have to do with that. on't know read if she thinks s an tol,some personal stuff. Regarding my life, I I'm find of SIC I've drink sinceJanuary, twenty oe Tusand, nine hundred and ighty one. So as I like Samin my Fort Year, SA priseis so I get to round UP INSEAD thirty nine. You know, but so I've been doith this for a while. SoI'm going to read a couple things to which maybe has something to do withthis. Maybe not we'll see how this soll wraps up just three things I picked out.The first thing is from...

...rvigion for you in the book and Nu'be read some fromtwo stories. This is on page ne hundred and fiftyone now and then a serious drinker being dry at the moment. You guys are Allyou guys are alcoholicsright, so I'm going to suggest I'Mi'm going to put you in the bucket. I don'tneed to take car of it toor. You know, but I think I'm going Ta put you I'mgonna Lop. You guys ton the bucket of being serious strangers. Okay now and then a serious drinker beingdry at the moment so which pretty much applies to me, and you were Driv emoment says I don't miss it at all, feelingbetter work better, having a better time as TAT problem, trankers be small atsuch sally. We know our friend as like a boy whistling in the dark to keep uphis spirits. I never understood that Youknow,sometimes you readthings, if the big book and it doesn't make any sense toyou and then down the road en it starts making sense because they based a lotof this book on experience. Sometimes you just haven't experienced thingsthat you' never experienced before. You know my that all lone my sponsors tosay when a man with experience its Ma with money, the man wouldn experienceand what Wel with the money in the main with the money, Worl walkd away with anexperience, and I would find he I would need these guysin a and they asked me to be their sponsor and I'd say to them. Well, I suggest something to me. Me Mehear me me at a baby. This is why I can't make it or whatever they give methe excuse and I'd say. Well, you know. If you really want to say he says,don't even worry, I'm never going to drink again, IAI' never going to drink in ten, I'mdumb with it. I never going to drink gain and then every time someone dowould say that to me within a week or so, they'd be drunk every time. somewould come up to me andpronounce they and never going to drink Ain, and I'm telling you with feelingther was sincere. They meantin they drank and the guys that were always worryingabout h drinking again. They were never confident like that. They were alwaysworried about traing. Again they always stayed sober and, and so what happened was when you, whenyou overpared a ten years, set to the point where everbody time meet somebody,they say, don't worry I never going to drink again. Everything's going great,you don't have anything to worry about me. I don't even W N, I don't even wantto drink. You know what I mean every time you meet somebhody like that andyou prety ten thousand dives and they always drink. You sort of you know.What's going to happen, I mean you, don't wish anything Anybodu, you know',you know they haven't got it. They haven't figured out in their gotthe idea of powerlessness. They really believe that they can sort of like pronounce victory overalcoholism. You know they really believe theye say,don't worry. I got this thing blint and sand with sincerity. Like I used to sayevery morning I get up I'm not going to drink today and then I do drunk andthat somehow the disease will like respect that Shit. You know what I meanlike I'm the disease. I always Sayd E's, not Goin, drink at yeah, good, that'sexactly whon! I want them to think you know you know so so I have to dealing withpeople who were constantly saying things that were o made them overconfident. That's likethat quota did from the Apostle Paul the Thorn on the side of the Thorn and where he said to keep me from thistwohsand years ago. You don't know what it is, but thePossipaul said thinking Corenthians,...

I'm mot sure you said to keep me frombecoming conceted my sponsor, say: th the thing thatreally gets out ou. I said the problem with Aut poxes they get too well toofast. You know what kills them as complacencyand elation. They can completely get ta wave, it and happythey get complacent and they possiblle said to keep me frombecoming concedidg, which is sort of like cockey, a Cocke Apo, a copy keeping. You know you know the you know,WOU chief factorisk is define. I don't know what the fine sounds like. I thinkit sounds like something like well with me. Excuse my line. Tobo I suwith me te fine sounds like this go fuck yourself, it's pretty much howit, Bi, O o, sosometimes I'll say that loud I'll say to something I just go. Fuck Yourself. Most of the time I just say, to my mind:Fuck this guy is Younoi, don't know, I'm sorry, Ispeak alcoholically and tick alcoholically and be nobody idene. Ifar for that Shit, but you know that pretty much sums up lystaye that BNCI'm an alcoholic, my disease has, to a certain extent thesymptom. My diseasis I drink. I drink to the pot where I lose everything Idrink to the point where I'm I'm undercutting the feeting my lifeand even when I say to myself, I'm lot a drink drink again, I'm not going todrink. I continue to drink and I have this disease called alcoholism. But,oddly enough, this crazy disease, the alcohol is just te Sim of mydisease. I've disease, TAT centers on my mind, not my body and it's andsounds like go fuck yourself. That's what it sounds like and I cannever get sober and the reason I cant get sover is no matter what informationI'm given after I'm, giving the information, assuming I'm evenlistening, which, quite frankly, I'm fucking, not you know. Mea, you lost mewhen you started cutting me off and open up your fucking mouth. You knowwhat I mean, I'm not even listening to, but even if I start listening to assoon as you started, saying things like well, you know what you have to do my mind blanks you out by saying fuck,you and ECOURSE. You ran it so I'm, but you would understand that,because I suffer from the grave wat they call that grave remotional EMETA.You just have like a mile to form my OPI serios deal with this disease. Youknow so and I'm not scared to talk about it. You know, because you got toknow what you got. You know the first step. An gotten out of jail is knowngyour jail in the first place, and you don't really have a drink, a problem.If youdinget you have aot Trat, you have a go. Fuck Yourself, Proem tere's, some guy in back of the roomright now and is mine eay saying at e Fuck is this: I did come Iti. I didn't come in hereto hear this shit aain by the way that guy's all fucked up now.You know what I mean. I mind fuck them. You know what I mean.I is gonna, be one of those takes with some guysw hyper religious legalist as going tosay kind of fucking Guyis the same fuck all the time. No, but that's just because shit like thatpoes you know and when Eer Im gon have go this third matter, what the causetheres something wrong with you soit doesn't really bother me anymore. You know, I don't want to I've. Seventyyears old, an I want to spend. I spent most of my life Outa fifty sixty years,O beingbotered by Shit. I don't feel like bing bothered by stuff anymore, but you know if I have another ten orfifteen to twenty years or maybe just tonight. I just don't feel like me,mother anymore, but which is what we're going to talk abouttha it whund it madything. But so let me read the rest of this because oncsGoin I'm Dong, hit. I tr. I go UF, you O we smile at such sally. We know ourfriends is like a boy wisteing in the...

...dark heep of his spirits. He foolshimself in withly. He would give anything to take a half a dozen trinkto get away with them. He will presently try the old game again. That's why I was saying to myself saylhow how do they know he's gin to drink ye, the guy saying he's not going Taodrink, the Guy Sayn he's saying I'll, never drink again. How do they know andthen you meet a thousand people and they all drink whatever they say, ShounLikeai! Well, that's how they know everybody acts like they have powerof sess tatsup drining, because they don't know what it's like to they. Don't theydon't understand? They don't understand the concept ofknowing that. The only reason just sober today is because of the GractofGod and going to meenings and doing all the stuff you have to do because you,you absolutely realize that outside of God's grace and his power and this rol,when your people I wlbe Drunkan, suicidal see, I gotto say y. usomething I don't want to drink today, and I trust God that he will keep meaway from that, and I be sorry tra, but am just as absolutely sure that if Iturned my back on God and I didn't do what I was doing- I'd be drunk on Si'll,never you'll, never hear me say I never going to drink again. You will neverhear me say. I have never said that I will never drink as a matter fact I'llsay I go what I will pronounce to you with assurances. I Av to know that Icould be drunken out from MISA. I could be. I could be drunk and drinking and OI said I'll hear people say I can't drink. I can drink. I would never say I can't drink. I candrink s, not be Yor Tak. So I got money in my pocket. I got credit cards Icould drive out from here. Drop the first liven eleven go and I a drink.You know I mean, there's no question I could drink, I coul be drunk righ. NowI understand that you know. I think I think you have to understand that if you're not lock, you can drink, don't tell you something, can't drightyou can't drink, that's the scary Boone! You can drink. Owd Yo get the point where you don'twant to drink. How do you get to e point where youdon't Wanc Hat'interesting dea? We know our friend is like a boy wisting os dogto keep up his spirits. He fools himself anwitly. He would give anythingtakeem half a dozen drinks get away with them. He will presently try theold game again before he isn't happy with his SUPRIETIG. PRAPY COUL BE SOBER and not happy. I know about that too, because because I know what it's like to besober and not happy, I know about that. You cannot picksure. Well, you knowabout that too. You just don't know you don't talk about that. You you justdon't know you know about that. Youso, you don't know what you don't know you.I know WBUT, it's like to be sober, but not happen. You may not know what it'slike to be sober and not happy, because you think you're happy, but the Receithink you're happy is because you have't made a happy end. I don't know that makes any sense. Yousee when you get to the point where you actually know the new freedom, and youknow there with new happiness, an you don't regret the past and you have thataforamit and you will know what ies it say. You will know peace and tranquillity when you get to that point wheneverthat is fifteen, O thousand and twenty five. But when you get to that point,you'll look back at five years and three years and two years you'll say Inever want the times when you thought you were doing. Okay, you'll say Inever going to go back to that fucking place again and they'll say I il I can't Explaininat the time I thought I was doing. Okay, that was like horrible compared to this just like wherever you are right now,wit's Harible complaipar to a year ago or three months ago. You know what Imean, because you keep on growing and growing and growing. So it's not unusual to...

...for the first. You know ten or fifteentwenty years to LE. I don't know what you would call it. Iguess you call it Trudgen Truje really hard trudgin. I guess youcall it sober and great flot times and experiencing some of the promises, butjust but it's still being sort of like abitch. You know with anxiety, you know still having anxiety and whereappearind anger and loneliness. So I gues you call it that whatever we call,they don't have a name for it. It's not my being it's not like a drydrunk, but it's sort of like it's sort of like not drinking and feeling goodat times, but also sometimes you knew that you sort of like in a place where youknow there's something you're missing something. It's like that's what I thought. Ithought when you know five years ten years. I would see these all timers andI know I was missing something. Nine Years Sobriety I lose my credit cards,I mean I'm doing steping some sponsoring people, I'm doing everything.You know what I mean and the people. My group thought I was sober and I thoughtI was sober. I was picking up Wa dallions and but I would still wake up a threeo'clock morning, worried about money and I' still at times you know belonelyersot. I still have those feelings feelings. I hate fuckingfeelings, feelings. You know and I used to say to myself what is this wat? What is this fuckingtin? When is this Goingno go away? I'm is Ta Athing for nine years. Man I'mdoing everything. When I'm, I gonna stop worrying about this full shit.When is this going to happen when I'M gonna lose, you know all that sort ofstufp. It really didn't even help. Knowing why you're or not I mean O, dothe for Sefen, the cows come home. You know make it feel in Eve when ye got tostop doing this shit. You know what am I going to get on that cloud.You know hand I mean Rockit in the fourth dimension of Har Parbeness. Whatis that? When am I getn? What am I going to know peace? You know like whan.Am I going to get to that deal that they're talking about Ye da, not l, picure life, so he willpresently try the old game again. FHORE HE ISN'n happy with his sobriety. Hecannot pictyure life without alcohol someday. You will be unable to imaginelife either with alcohol. Without it he will know loneliness as you do. I'Mgonna talk. I like talkg about loneliness Bein on way, because the first Wen said to analcohol acept as alcohol and all I consequences it surprie be preparasinto happiness O no, no at all, because I think it's important to understand t AF.You are not called your lonely, you're lonely. You are well. You wantone lonely side of a bitch yeah. You need that TV. You need to beTextan, you need to be looking at your phone. You need to do anything. You need thatconstant thinking a thousand miles per hour. You need to be constantlyoccupied, you need to be constantly diverted and looking at the world andrun around and Thenk and think of thinking, because if you don't do that,you're gon be sucking on the Mussle ot gone because you are so loly, so youare such a piece of shit. When dol I start getting into thereally bad shit. You know what I mean. Oh, I know I didn't hocaneuplistedlifted. Ihops are great, don't you love them? Ilove alcohols. The only people say: You're, a fucking piece of shit you'regoing to die your lonely. Your life is fucking over Canna, be sucking a gunand they go into an hysterics yeaoh. I like this Guy Ou, know give me more Fthis shit. You know well because because you're, not lonelyanymore...

...e notm only anymore, because we're alllaughing together, so you know you're, not Alon. You know you finally gone to a placenot out there. Theynt, no know you wanout there. It's lonely out there.Somebody knows you out there, but in here we all know each other. That's why I can talk. T YOU WI tothise were all the same, a say. Finally, I made it these fucking peopleunderstand iti thought I was crazy and now I know I am crating. It's goodthing. Okay, he wiln't be at to pojumpiof place will wish for the ED.So I read that in to Red Ithinkwe'R ngsomewhere here. So this is Alphals anonyus number three. It would be hard. This is bill. Dotson,the guy, the man on the bed. You know on that picture came to blegue. Youknow they got the Bible den ther sitting here. Oh, I did finish that a possible AlTatmensaysso is to keep me from m becoming conceited. Ecaus Paul said he's the one who said I've learned tobe content in all things. The secret keep from coming on, see that God gaveme a thorn in my flesh. It says a messenger from Satan. I hated. I PrayYo God to take away from me. They don't tell you what it is. I I, U Benanything could have been horrible stuff. Coul Hem, Ban, Alpos and drug addictioncould have been the women thing. You know sex UL, be anything says he said.was just killing praplease take this away from it. You know, I think I didthat once on my knees to God about the booze. So take this away from me. He said, and God said to me thisis whathe said he says I will not. He says to keep me from becoming conceted Hockesays I will not take this from miin this storm. This problem, you have, youknow, I say I'm a grateful. Alcohol, I'm great POLIVANF. They gave me a theysaid. Here's a pill. You won't be an ALTPOC anymore. You want to to go tothose Lenings want to talk those people, you go. You have a drink, a DogotoKentucky Derby Anti. I turn the fucking thin down. I turned I turned the deal down. He said he said to keep me from Com. Hegave me the storm in my flesh, he said Hes say I will not take it away from me.He says my grace is sufficient for you. I like Durinti at the words one day ata time, because when you're weak I'm strong soys when you're weak, you arestrong but hit means when you're weak, I'm strong in you. You know when, where we, when we'returning towards God, we're going to when we're talking to people that we'reout of strongest ewere at a weakest Tishen we're acting like big shots, so it would be hard to destimate howmuch a has done. For me, this is bill. Dodson talking, I really wanted theprogram you know in each one of thesestatements. Tom By alcoholis, is probably something buried in there deepin there. That has something to do with this disease and something do with hecover. I don't know, it'll be hard, Gess ba how Hich a hasdone for me. I really wanted the program and I want to know this goalong with, and I notice that others we go. I own is this. I noticed thatothers seem to have solese happiness of something I thought a person ought tohave. I was trying to find the answer. I knewthere was even more something I hadn't got. That was me no matter how good an God I knew. I wasmissing something, and I remember one day a week or doafter I come out of hospital bill was at my house Talki to my wife and me. Wewere eating lunch and I was listening and trying to find out why they hadthis release that they seem to have build up the cross of my wife and saidto her HAC Henrietta. The Lord has been so wonderful to me, huring me of histerrible disease that I just want to keep talking about it and telling otherpeople. I thought I think I had the answer bill was very very grateful thathe had been released from this terrible thing and he had, given God the creditfor having done it and he's so grateful...

...about it. He wants to tell other peopleabout it that sensence he lord has beens. So wonderful to me. Suring me.It is terrible disease hat. I just want to keep telling people about. It hasbeen a sort of golden text for the a programmer. For me, well, it does say above everything wemust get. I this selfishness. We must od tills, Om God makes that possible. Anye Ha Somethin Doaso, let's Gi tonext. So this is it. He sold himself shortone of my favorites. These last eighteen years have been thehappiest O my life tri go. That statement lay Seeng fifteen of thoseyears I would not have enjoyed had. I continue drinking doctors told mebefore I stopped that Ad. Only three years of the outside to live thislatest part of my life has had a purpose not in the great thingsaccomplished, but I daily deliving courage to face each day as weplace thefears and uncertainties of earlier years acceptance of things as they areas some place, the old impationt chopping at the bid to conquer theworld. I know that, should you know you here, you want to be thereyou're there you want to be here. You have this one to have that and I'lltell you a thousand different torks about myself and other people and whatI need and what I have to have and and if only ar N. yes, butter and if I onlyhad this and Youn Man I'll tell you unbelievable, I've stopped tilking at win Millson,instead of tried to accomplish this, the little daily Tas son, importantthem emselves an themselves. It Test Don, an ithical part of living fullywhere thericinal contempt and pity were once shown me. I now enjoyd the respectof many people where, once I had casual acquaintances, all of whom were fairweather friends. I now have a host of friends who acset me for what I am andover my Aa years, I made many real honest, sincere friendships that Ishall always cherish here. We go here's the deal, I'm Radinis a modestly successful man. My stock of material goods is not great, but I have a fortune in friendship'scourage, self assurance and an honest appraisal of my own abilities. Above all, this is the deal above all.The great fact is: This is the great cutbob all and all these guys h and all these guyswit, its bill, will said the buildy there's always this above all or thegreat fact. It's always there. It's like a common denominator. You can seeit in all the rigons and all the pages. Above all, I have gained the greatest thing, thegreat fact the greatest thing accorded to any man, the love and understandingof a gracious God there. He is again ye he's right there. I wouldn't want to talk about God atIgh scared, the newcomer away, e love und understand, if the gracioustGod, who has lifted me from the alcoholic scrappe to a position oftrust where I have been able to read the rich rewards that come from showinga little love for others and from Servic. As I can wanted that deal, I didn't even know atexisted. I I told you I went to that meet one time. I was still on soper andI saw I'l Kennedy speaking. He had line thirty years and he was it was incredible speaker I mean I knowhe was incredible speaker he was just was he was oftentive, no bullshit. Youknow he was a man'sman and the sense that you know he was strong, but hewasn't arrogant and he was confident in heself and he was and en amen. So Yo was shad afternen. Iturned my sponsor and said you know. Where can we hang around with this guyand he says he my spot comme e's dying,...

I didn't ut. How do Yo Yoever Yo turn Ma Liy caamehe's dying. He just did a Medt, you Knowi, so he he died. He's got sixmonths to live so you didn say that is, as I know, I' six months later. It wasthat an my vision about what this program was about. You know, you know that part where it says I new.I knew there was something more something I hadn't got hand. I got totell you something for Fir fifteen years twenty years, mice, Friday, Iknew there was something I hadn't gone. I knew there were certain people in AA that I used to go around. I used tofoll hem around and I used to watch them and I knew they had sombrihenights, O Bri. I knew it was a different deal. They had something I'lltellyou. I wanted that out Kennedy stuff. How do you get the point whereyou're dying and you an NA man trying to help other howd? You getto that Tal,you know Deu, where you're willing you gotanywan. You only go anyway and be happy about it. That kind, that's really something. SoI'm I'm a walking with my sponsor wer. They hadabout three months. I had a bad dum at a bad day. I used hat bad days badyears. Bad monhss been a bad weed. You know that which usually means you know.I had a bad five minutes, but you know is. I was jus very sensive, and so I told him I said I said the programis not working. Soit's not working because ITAV been working for about three or four days.You know or something I was. I was on that Pink Lod, I suppose whatever thatwas Isaid, but I wasn't working something happened. You know. Maybe mywife looked at me funny. Who knows? I got it so I said it's not working. I said it'snot wherei is yeahit's not working. It says why Yoaa me drink Te. No, I haveTis is working. This is I'm doing every. I said, I'm doing everrything ISA. Thisis your doing everything hiis yeah, I'm doing everything. I was doingeverything you know because in AAA, if you're goingto a few meetings, you feellike you're doing everything you know and I' Nowin everything Saysyo said.Well, you you're. Probably one of the. I know I don't know what it was aboutme. I mean I'm such an asshole. I really amI'm such a smart ass. You know, and so I deserve getting the sponsors. Ireally needed sponsors that were fanastic assoles. That just beat me UPN.I needed abuseofe sponsorsat. I deserved it, so I told thim. I said it's not where you said well, Ou usyour. You know I think you're, probably oneof the rare ones- and I look oi says what is this t Ithink in one of the rare ones I said, the rare words is: Is Athin one of therare ones and no I'm thinking I've been telling this guy that I'm different he's finally recognized it and I saidthe rare ones he said: yeah, the rare ones, one of the realines. I told my, but so when everything inthe PROGAM was wor o one of the real ones I is Renwi. This is this is what'sthat dos' l talk about it every meeting, so they never talked about Jusis totalk about it ever name. You go to ISO. What I'e been going to me e said.Never talking about the reainis yeah they're talking about it, don't theysay rarely have we seen a person to helpwho was thoroughly followed, our bad, you just said you're doing everythingand it ain't working you're. Obviously, wethe dia he's not working for you. Youneed to leave imacanimagine. My sponsor tell me Ihave telieve, I you know most mon Tom People go to more meetings and hes.Tell me get the fuck out. You know get out of here. You know, and I'm donelev this. I was so scot. Ladies just OAV, to leave just don't tell me todoing at everythings no WT. Have you done the four sepon? Well, no, Il DollMe Yous, not doing everything. You know what I mean I went to. I went to a...

...a meanin. I used to go with a lot tomeehes with him a lot and I went to a one time. I went without him to me. Ididn't know a lot of people an they. You know. I knew him and I knew somepeople in the home Roum, but I didn't know a lot of people in Eah and I so Iwent to the South Dat room on a Sunday and it was packed. It was like thismany people, but there were certain breakfast. You know so yoy got a bigdraw without piece of food and they were and they were, like you know, tipa Aho thing, throure all the tables giving each other high fibes laghinglike they'e having a good time. So I walk in there, I'm alone. I know nobody. I know no body and now, of course, if I was drinking thatwouldn't have mattered because I would have, I would have immediately known alot of people real fast, okay and because that drankon sort of somehowbreaks down the barrier. You know, especially with other alcoholics, justbreaks the barrier down, somees some sort of barrier, te'SSome, there'ssomething there's a barrier between me and you it's a barry. I can't know you. Youcan't know me, I'm scared of yew and your judgment. There's there's like abarry. I can. I can't break it out. It's like men in a Cuofhin, but if Idrink, I can break through that son a bitch. You know it's like Havins, like substitutesurbris. It's like beingit's, like the same sort of feeling. You feel whenyou're with people that love you and know you like in an a room, but it's asubstitute. You do it with drugs, and so but I wasn't triaking. So I had thebarrier. You know what I mean so I'm sitting there at the bar and- and I was feeling I had that- anincredible feeling of and everybody's laughing. You know. I know that feeling. I knewthat feeling before, because I used to do a lot of stuff. You knowwhen, when I was drinking before I came it AA. I would do a lot of stuff not to belonely. Now I want you to understand something. I'm saying I know what I'msaying I' do a lot of stuff. Not Me Lonely. When you're doing a lot ofstuff not to be lonely, you don't know you're doing stuff not to be lonelit.It's not like you say well, im lowly, I'm Oto do stuff you're, just it's inthe book. They call restlessness, it's you, you just get up and you go and yourun and you do and you go shopping and run around. You do stuff, but it's allbecause sitting by yourself in your house, wantto blow your brains out. It's just you're, doing stuff your substudiactivity and running around and going places the feeling like you're, not aworthless piece of shit. Yeah, you don't know you see, I'm telling yousomething! I know after thirty nine years Friday. That's the why I actedwhat it was and what was going on. You don't know that you're going on thecruise and you're flying to Japan and you're dating this cow and you'rebegging. These calls. You don't know that tyour whole life is about doingwhatever you can. So you don't feel like a lonely piece of shit. You don'tknow that, but that's what's happenind! Okay, I'm talking about myself, I'm notso bad! You! I cat that I can tell hopefully U R not identifyed with anyof this shit but es. Then you have a bad case of thisdeal so in anyment. So I would so I recognize te feel and the boozethe alcohol somehow help you not feeling lonely. As a matter of fact, Igot to a point where I could drink and feel not lonely by myself. I would like imagine. I was like in abar and like seing on stage and to be girls all good, looking lusting afterme, you know what I mean and also you can have. You can have this greatimagination about Yourselv and but let...

...me tell you how bad it gets. It gets somad that it got to Pol with me with thebooze, where I would be in a bar with three hundred people drinking, and I would feel more lonely than if Iwas with at with myself sitting next to the phonograph t playing like myalkysongs, like only the Lonelye, I miss the blue, something I've dot, Radas andMondays you now, whatever you know, I felt less lonely sitting alone drinking listening to sad music, thensinding, the bar surrounded by thre hundred people or being in a stadium.It gets so now youdont understand what help's going on whith. It happens. Youjust go into you, it's just alcoholism, but what happens? Is You ultimatelyunderstand that you go trough because then you sover up and you stop drinking,and then you get to experience that loneliness, sober Yunston. You get Tom Experience,loneliness sober which is just a consequence of being an alcoholic, andyou think it's like you, don't know what it is. So you say things to yoursponse like it's not working and whyis is not working, because youcan't even tell him why it's not working, because it's not workingbecause you feel empty and lonely, and you don't really understand that.There's nothing wrong with you. That's just alcoholism that sensus, in your mind,not your body and that's whet you've been dealing with, since you were twoyears old and that's why you drank and that's whyyou couldn't stop thinking and running and going and doing and buying andspending and doing that Shit. Your whole life was a rect running away fromthat loneliness. But now you get to experience, of course, for the firstweek or two on a month or five or six. where, however long it is, you justthink there's something terribly wrong with you. But and of course there issomething wrong, but it's a spiritual thing and you all, let me learn its thedisease, and the good news is: Is that you're in Approgrev a program for that?It's called alcoholics anonymous? It has to I h, God and soon us Soente,that it gets better. TATUS lives takes about twenty twenty five Yearsyeahfulling develop. I don't make the rules, I'm fucking, sorry about that. It'sjust I mean that's the deal. You got notthing Ben to do with your lifeanyway, so you must re, hang around and and do it you know and listen, don't dis, Olmos Shit, don'tListenta! No! Really I mean I, you know I'm not lying to O tbout myself, but Ican tell you guys are a cut of Buve you'll, probably e Opain a week or soye I be okay, so so the so that lonelinessthing. So what happens? Is you start understanding? What what that is- and Iguess here's the great part you got it even now, but you don't have it now and thereason you don't have it now is because you're not lonely. Now, because you'rein fellowship now and you're, not wonely, I'm not lonely and you're, notlone. That's why I'l try ye Yo know now. This is funny this. This has a littlebit to do with the fifth step because it has to do with the ability tocommunicate and actually have a relationship with other people. That ison a basis, that's so deeper than superficial relationships, which iswhat we all crave. God. You know what you one says: theBig Bok. He says, God will show you how to create the fellowship you crave. Didyou know that's in the big book. God will show you how to create who's goingto show you what's het going to show to creave thefellowship you? What CRAV, you probably didn't, even know you crat fellowship.You thought you raded alcahole. Now you don't have the ALPOM. Now you creavefellowship, but you don't know how to do fellowship because you got thefucking wall, you got the fear of people. I know youhave to fear of people. Hus promises, you lose fair people, so you must haveyou got to have it in order to lose it?...

It's part of the INSATURDAY, so Yo loseFYOUR people. Why? To losit a fair of people shou go to meetings, you startsharing, they start sharing. You start trusting, you do the fifth fourth step.You do the fifth step. You have a sponsor constantly, sharing, sharing owone of the things I've noticed that happens is very interesting is thankGod I get to associate with newcomers now, there's not much! You can do for anewcomer. Really is really you can't fix them. You can't you can't fuckingpick Om, I'm telling you I just you know you can't fix into theyre too crazy, you're talking to them and you're, giving them the bestfucking a by you GIV, en you think that they're listening to you, they're listening to the fuckingsquirrels, there's fifteosand squirrels, going on their mind lot of Robi. That's!Even if they even like you talk, you know, they're interrupting you. They'restill talking your say. No, let's say Yu ther Di saything wet every once in awhile, they'l react ID Somethingyo, saying they'll, say something: Tourealize this guy listening to a fucking word, I'm saying it's true, especially during the firstyear, so eah that's the way they are. However, however, here's what I seewith your comers her's, what I see incomers, we got guys that they aresqirling and crazer than a son of a bitch, and they said what are we GOIsomewhere? No sed Saes Maye were so we as how we do this is well come down.Tand meet US for lunch. On such and such day they meed it for lunch, sowe're gonna have lunchettoon yeah and then we're gonna go wit me and theystart hanging around the group. They do nothing except hanging around otheralcoholis. Ndyou know we do what we do withnewcomers. We beat them up. We abuse them. You know, we say mean things tothem were sarcastic, we tell them they're, stupid, Anda so of stuff and and what we notice is that, a month andtwo down the rown they're like completely different people, they're completely different people, because they start realizing they're,not alone. It Start Realiz that there are peoplethat are like them that love them. They love them, not because they'rPerfectley love ut, they just fuck hin nuts. You know so I'm in the south dateroom and I'm feeling alone, and I know nobody and I look up and behind the podium. Isthis sign and the sign says you are not alone. I don't know, I must be crazy and Iwanted to Bo Whan Shou Guy said I knew that God put that sign there just forme and all of Suden I have a lonely lis lifted lifted from it. I felt great. Isaid man, I'm not alone what a blessing to be in a car byyourself, but never read by yourself what a blessing to never feel likeyou're alone, what a blessing to believe that youknow you feel ite, Youknow, everyont, Lo you get you do the forcstep. You dothe first step. It deals with the loneliness. It deals with the fearyou're able to come into meetings like this and talk to people be honest withyeople. You know you don't have to be smart. You know I don't prepare for me,Buti prepare for meetings. I just tell my story to tell Lohen what I am. Youknow what I mean and you know, since I'm not scared o all you know, and youknow I just I just I'm just honest fo Yep being AES honest, you know, onceyou went how to fake that you got a made, you know, and you know, and so here's what happens islike sonar. So I just honestly share about myselfand now, of course, I'm doing all t etalking, but I'm really not o sure talking to I'm listening to you aus like so up Tis,I send it out an it bounces right that dounces backin your laughter glace backin the fact that there ain't fifty million people talking here, you're,all looking at me, but you're Interestin whant o have to sake, isrich and what I have to say, Baus, I'm...

...saying things that have to do with you.So I know I'm communicating with you and I'm not alone, it's the greatestfeeling in the world not to be alone. That's why meetings and groups like us,it's addictive! God will show you how to create the fellowship you crate Lok every Saturday night. I was outthere looking for her. You know ill looking for the one that back Ol who'sgoing to fix me, never fix me. It was all temporary stuff. You know what Imean and it was always kind of fixed. That left me would jealousy and feeling sorry for myself, for you knowsomehow hurting her her at you know I mean his is t e, true fellowship. Youknow it 's not based on trying to get something from somebody or hey thatstuff. It's just based on just true fellowship. You know with e Coben situation for common goal and things like that.It really works and that's why these steps there there, what do they call itspiritual exercises that basically enebbe the suffering to losethe desire for drink and become happly and usefully home. That's what that's about! That's whatit says, intwelve and twelve, become happily and usually hole to become likethat. Guy That that last story, I ready sold himself short. He said how he'slifted from the scrapeypfobolism. You know where it could be show Littl, lovefor others and be and becined of them, and things likethat and and not feel alone, and not have all these squirrels run aroundthis craziness and restlessthess and run around and having to do somethingand think about o having to be having they call the time wow. I can't you can't Canad tank in upsetalcoholics that can't cot stop talking, can't stop thinking a can. Stop becauseit's the disease, they don't do it on purpose. They can't help it noil give ad an alcohol en you know Isometimes if I'm Worki it somebody I have to Yell Tem D, Say: Shut Tha Fa,God just to get their attention to try OSav. You know it's like an emergency. You know it's like an Nuberdy. Nowsomebody's. You know you just have to stop their part or something you got tostop them. You know and lock them up or something an in a freezer or somethinglike. But but the truth is, I know they can'thelp it. I know it's the disease. I know if you find yourself thinkingthey an think of thinking, it's all badshit about yourself and other people.As you drive yourself, nuts, and you can't stot think I know it's not yourfault, you don't have to feel like a beach guy.It's just tha disease of alcoholism. You know enjoy it like Haveit, you knowwhat I mean is ont enjoy just ta yourself. I'm a fucking have all CI'mecrazy. You know I think I'll just go to a meeting or cal my sponsor. You KnowOne day, twenty five years now, it's all going to work out right. Okay, thank you very much.

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