AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 10 · 1 year ago

Russell S - Going Barefoot @ West Dixie Club 2019-2020 #12

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Everybody. It's Eric at rocketed dotorg. Today we have Russell's last talk at West Tixie, titled Going Barefoot. Thanks for listening. My Name's Russell spats. I'm an alcoholic and thisis it. It's that I'm out of here after this. I'm gone.That's it. That's it. I'm going to be starting tomorrow. I'd startingup in Volca. I mean it's folk nights in a part. Sorry,that's what you do. You just keep on going over and over again andnever give a time for you know, you gotta, you gotta keep onrunning. You know, you don't want to drink to catch up with you, you know, and do that up. So listen, I'm did. Isaid it was an alcoholic. I am an alcoholic. Just want topoint that out. And so I haven't found necessary to have a drink sinceJanuary twenty one thousand nineteen eighty one. So this is my birthday month atthirty nine years if I make it, and I like this group. Ireally do like this group. I've been doing I've been doing stepsters of thisgroup for like twenty years, Twenty Eight, twenty nine, thirty years or something, and I always like coming here I sense. I mean, Ihave to tell you. I don't want you to get upset at this.I'm not trying to hurt anybody feelings, but I said, I send serioussickness when I come in here. I mean, you know, I do, I do. I just I just like hanging I just feel very comfortableone I'm here. It's like I feel like I feel like I'm talking tomy twins or something, you know, and that US about do anything.So any men, you know I'm I know I'm kind of weird and I'mkind of strange and it's hard to follow and everything like that. And butunfortunately this is probably going to be like a even though my meetings are kindof weird and strange and I buy light traditions and I talk about Jesus andall that stuff. The bottom line is I think this there's a possibility,I don't plan this stuff, that this meeting might actually be totally off thechain and might this might be the last meeting I do. And alcohols anonymous. They may close me down after this meeting. It's possible. So ifyour faint at heart or maybe you're sensitive, you know, we got alcoholics areset sensitive. You know, if there's a possibility you might get upset. You know, you might want to cut out of here before I'm goingto. I'm going to take a lot of crap, a lot of stuff, I'm going to throw it into a blenderm turn on the switch will seewhat the help pops out. I don't know what this is going to beabout. I'm thinking maybe about the first step in the sixth step and thetwelve step. You know, we're sort of like celest one. I'm supposedtalk a little bit twelve step, but I don't plan if I have afeeling it's what I want to talk about. There's something I was thinking about reading. I read this thing one time. I'd one AA meeting like five yearsago and three people died and so I've never read it again, butI think this group can handle it. I think you can handle it okay. And not. What was? What was that movie? The ring me? What was I never saw. That was a you watch something then itdied or something. It's not that bad, but it has something to do withwhat I'm going to talk about, because I'm going to talk about abunch of things and which seemed to be sort of like different and you know, when you've been around a while, when you first come day, ayou when I first came to day, I should say when I first cameday, you guys are probably left one of me. When I first cameday, I had no idea what, how was going on. Nothing,none, zero. And you don't even understand the jargon, you know,the way they're talking. It takes months and years and you know it's timegoes along, you you change. You know, you change and how youdo this thing, what you think about things and your message and everything likethat, and and you start maybe putting things together, put some stuff together. You know, you see, you get a little more understanding, butit's always in the rearview mirror. You never understand this crap as you're doingit. It's always like, you know, like five years down the road yousort of figure out what you were doing during the first three months,you know, or something like that. And so you know, you canimagine at thirty nine years and you know,...

I put I've connected a lot ofthoughts. I you know I've connected a lot of things and I don'tknow what that makes sense to you or not. So what I just dois I my job is to share my experience. So I just share myexperience. So whether you understand it, and I'll just throw it out there. And we're all at different for you got we got people here that havea like a week, and we got people here that have five years,got people there that twenty years and everything can we're all looking at this thingdifferently and and the truth of the matter is, to maybe understand some ofthe things I'm talking about, you just have to go through it, youknow, in order to understand stuff that I learned to twenty years. Itmay not make any sense to you. It doesn't mean you're wrong or I'mright. You may make sense to you when you have twenty years, maymake sense to you when you have twenty five years. But I'm going tosort of like try to draw a connection between the first step, the sixstep in the twelve step, and that's kind of weird, Huh. Soyou know, we take me, you should take these, but I'm goingto try to. I'm going to throw a lot of stuff, as Isaid, into the BLENDA and we're going to see how that works out.And what I want to talk about start off talking about I'm going to readsomething for the Big Book and I want to start talking about on the twelvestep. I'm talking about the message. Is there. They where's the twelvestep? I want to make sure that. I want to make sure that that'sword is in the twelve steps. Haven't asked her. Ah, wecarry this message. I knew it was there. I want to talk aboutthe message. Say anybody know what the messages you think you know what themessages so I want to talk about the message. You know. And butbefore I talk about the message, I'm going to I'm going to say this. Okay, I'm not going to talk about practicing principles or spiritual awakening andI'm just gonna tell about the message in a way maybe you haven't heard itbefore. So here's the deal. Let me find this one thing where BillWilson is talking about in bills story, where he's talking and it may seemhere's the problem with the way I do these things. I'm just going tothrow the scrap out here and I'm not going to make it easy for youother ways. I'm not I can explain to you what all I'm just goingto throw it out there and you're going to have to do some work.You'RE gonna have to try to forget this thing out and the throws a bunchof things out there and we'll see whether you figure out when he can dothis thing. So you need to pay attention. You don't need to payattention. I would never tell him not Bot then you do anything. Youdo it if you want to do but so here's the deal. So thisis on page fifteen. It's Bill Wilson during his first State, during hisfirst eighteen months in surbriety, first ateen months, my wife and I abandonedourselves with enthusiasm to the idea of helping other alcoholics to a solution of theirproblem. It was fortunate from my old business associates remained skeptical for a yearand a half. That's eighteen months right during which I found little work,which that that equates to like no money. You know, no money. Iknow you guys aren't. You can't identify with that, but I can. Little Work and step before year and a half during which time I foundlittle work. I was not too well at the time and plagued by wavesof selfpity and resentment. Now you guys don't send this, but I personallyunderstand what it's like be plagued by waves of selfpity and resentment. You know, this sometimes nearly drove me back to drink, but I soon found then, when all other measures failed, work with another alcohol would say today.Many Times I've gone to my old hospital and despair on talking to a manthere I would be amazingly lifted up and set on my feet. It isa design for living that works in rough going. It's why I like comingup here. You know, it doesn't matter how I feel on the wayup here, once I get here. I'm telling you, when I leavehere I'm like flying, I'm like hi, when I'm hanging out with alcoholics forlunch, breakfast, whatever it is, I hang out with my peaks.You know what I mean. I'm...

...like man, forget it, watchout, you know, I just all of a sudden I'm just feeling greatbecause I'm hanging out with you guys. Yeah, you knows. He saysI'm talking to a man there. I would be amazing to lift it upand set on my feet. It's a design for living. You know,they don't say anything about the guy. He probably committed suicide. It don'tmatter. It don't matter. Bill felt great. Hell, Hey, youknow that. You know what date. Did you speak it West? Myammi last night says, yeah, he's just you know, they don't wentout and drags as it. WHO gives a shit? You know, Igot mine. I feel okay. You know. I'm having a good time, you know, and that's the deal. I told you this could be mylast meeting, so I'm going to read this. Could be it.It's could be it. So I want to. I want now. Iwant to read this. This isn't going to make any sense whatsoever. Thisis not conference approved material. But I have some good news for you,because I've been around for a while. There is no such thing as conferencedisapproved material. You you understand what I just said. They're reading the Bible. You know what? And for and in Dr Bob, the girld timers, you know. And in nineteen thirty nine they were to book called alcoholicsanonymous, and they said rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughlyfollowed our our path. Do what we did, you'll get what we got. And they started a nineteen thirty five. So they say, you do whatwe did, you'll get what we want. In between nineteen thirty fivein nineteen thirty nine. I can promise you they were not reading the BigBook, they were not reading the twelve and twelve, they were not readingdoc about, they weren't reading a stuff. If you read Dr about the goodold time, as they say, the books we found absolutely essential.You guys don't the word essential means. It means essential. You know,essentially is absolutely if essential means essential, what is absolutely essential means that's likeseriously essential. So and you supposed to thoroughly fight. And those books werefirst Corinthians thirteen, sermon on the Mount and the book of James. Now, personally I would never tell anybody in a a that they should read sermonon the Mount First. Couldn't be a thirteen. But well, I tellmy sponsees, let's say, read it because they said was absolutely essential.You'll be rocking in the fourth dimension of existence. You know, it's whatthey read for the first four years. But I wouldn't tell you guys toread it. You guys do whatever hell you want to do, you know. But but you will never you will never find an a where they saythose books or count they are conference disapproved. They just won't disapprove us. I'mgoing to read you something. It's not, but the reason I likethis thing is because it has something to do with this. I hear somebody. Somebody says some down emotional sobriety. This has some do with emotional sobriety. This has something to do with emotional sobriety, or maybe not, Idon't know. has some do with something. So I'm going to read it toyou. It's it's only going to take five minutes. It's one too. I'm not going to tell you where I got it from, but Iwill tell you this. It's a couple hundred years old. Okay, it'swritten like in the eighteen hundreds or something like that. Okay, it saysI arrived in the city of everywhere early one morning. It was cold.There were florries of snow on the ground. As I step from the train tothe platform, I noticed that the baggage man and the red cap werewarmly attired in heavy coats and gloves, but oddly enough, they wore noshoes. Repressing my impulse to ask the reason for this odd practice, Iwent to the station inquired the way to the hotel. My curiosity however,was increased by my discovery that no one in the station wore any shoes.Boarding the street car, I saw them. I fellow travelers were likewise barefoot,and upon arriving at the hotel,...

I found that the Bellhop, thedeas clerk and all the residents were void of shoes. Unable to restrain myselfany longer, I asked the manager what this strange practice meant. What practice? He said. Why? Why, I said, pointing at his barefeet. Why don't you wear shoes in this town? Ah, he said, that's just it. Why don't we? But what does the matter? Don'tyou believe in shoes? Believe in shoes, my friends, I shouldsay we do. That is the first article of our creed. Shoes.They are indispensable to wellbeing of humanity, such rust by cut sores and suffering. Those shoes prevent it is it is wonderful. Well then, why don'tyou wear them, I asked, totally bewildered. Ah, he said thoughtfully, that's just it. Why don't we? Though, considerably nonplus, I checkedin, secured my room and went directly to the coffee shop. ThereI deliberately sat down by an amiable looking but barefoot. Gentleman friendly enough,he suggested that we look around the city after our meal. The first thingwe noticed upon emerging from the hotel was a huge brick structure of an IMPpress of proportions. He pointed to this with pride, he says. Yousee that, said he, this is one of our outstanding shoe manufacturing establishments. Are What? I asked, an amazement. You mean you make shoes? They're well, not exactly, he said, he a bit abashed.We talk about making shoes there and, believe me, we have one ofthe most brilliant fellows you have ever heard. He talks most thrillingly and convincingly everyweek on the great subject of shoes. Just yesterday he moved the people profoundlywith his exposition of the necessity of shoe wearing. Many broke down andwept. It was really wonderful. But why don't you wear them, saidI insistently. Ah, that's just it. Why don't we? Just then,as we turned down a side street, I saw through a cello window acobbler actually making a pair of shoes. Excusing myself from my friend, Iburst into the little shop and asked the shoemaker how it happened that hisshop was not run over run with customers. He said, nobody wants my shoes, they just talk about them. Give me what pairs you have ready, I said eagerly and paid him twice the amount he modestly asked. Hurriedly, I returned to my friend and offered them to him, saying here,my friend, one of these parents will surely fit you. Take them,put them on, they will save untold suffering. Ah, thank you,he said with embarrassment. But you don't understand. It just isn't being done. That's just that's just it. Why don't we? And coming out ofthe city of everywhere, over and over and over that question rang in myears. Why don't we? Why don't we? Why don't we wear shoes? Now, that doesn't make any sense. Maybe, after this thought, maybedon't make a little thing. So what's the message? What's the messageof alcoholics? Anonymous? You know, I love New People. We hadsome New People. When I say now, I'm talking about a couple of weeks, two, three, four weeks. I'm like that. A month,two months, that kind of thing, three four on, something like that. Whatever the deal is, I love New People. I really do. When I came in and I was...

...brand new, I had I hadgreat I've had great sponsors. I've had for sponsors. The first three havepassed away. I have the exact sponsors I needed. I had the perfectsponsors for me. They were the first two were pretty sarcastic and sometimes me. But I got to tell you something. I knew, I know, theylove me. They would say they knew exactly they were like that.Sponsors are like diamond cutters. I mean what I was told once. Hesays he's like a giant tollbox. There's a wrenster fit every nut that walksto the door. And I had the perfect sponsors for me. I theyjust knew how to cut that diamond. They just knew exactly when to kickme in the ASS. They know exactly when they to say mean things tome. Are Sarcastic things to me, which worked with me, and theysomehow knew how to say the right things to me at the right time sothat I knew they loved me. You know, and sometimes my actions orbehavior or my thoughts called for a swift kick in the ass. It's assimple as that. And sometimes that cause it called for something else. Butall these guys knew exactly what they were doing and they sponsored me and theylove me and I'll never ever in my mind, be as good as sponsorsthey were to me. Now, as I grew up and grew old andalcoholics anonymous, I required maybe different types of sponsor. My last sponsor,who passed away recently, who was had sixty three years and they was JohnGlenn. He was different than my first two sponsors. I the drinking hadceased being a problem a long, long time ago now. I don't saythat to say gee, to cock, to be cocky and say, well, I don't have to worry about the drink anymore. I firmly believe Ican't explain this to regular people. Maybe alcoholics will understand this. I believeI could be drunk in an hour. I believe I'm not just saying that. I believe I could be drunk in an hour. I believe I'm powerlessout over alcoholic I believe I'm so powerless over alcoholics, over alcohol, thatI do a lot of stuff. I'm going to drive seventy five miles toBoca tomorrow night and I'm do that twelve weeks in a row. And Ido that because nothing will so ensure sobriety as intensive work with alcoholics and II just don't do that for front of FROLIC. I believe that. Ibelieve that if I stop doing that, this is scary, that there's apossibiity on my drink. I don't have it. I don't have any desireto drink. I've been I desired to drink in many, many years.Hasn't been something on my mind. But I I buy into the fact thatI'm sober through God's grace and through God's grace because I'm doing God's will.And I believe what they say in the big book where it says once wemake the decision, this serious decision, also, it's remarkable things happen.He will give us everything we need. We stay close to him and performancework well. So I actually believe that if I stay close to God andperformers work well, and I believe that his work is actually to be amaximum service to God and other people. So I believe that this is whatI need to do and I have to do now. Luckily for me,is like they say in the big book, and I'm not the only one who'sdone because it's what the bites says. I happen to enjoy doing it.I enjoy the fellowship, I enjoy it fires the imagine. I enjoyI've been do almost every continent. I've traveled all over. I've done alot of stuff, except for maybe Australia something like that. But the truthof the matter is is I am so low maintenance. Now, now,I mean this isn't going to excite any of you guys. You know,when you're thirty or forty years old, or maybe even fifty years old,you're you're thinking of, you know, taking trips and going on crews anddoing all sorts of stuff and, you know, being movie stars, andthat's where in all the ENVA is. If I don't, that's where theif I can only have this, if I only have that, or hehere's some guys, as I just came back back from switch AH, whycan I be in Switzerland and you're worried...

...about how come I haven't been thereand how many? So it's kind of hard to identify or even maybe evenyou know. It says you have to want we have. You might noteven want this kind of hard to identify with a guy that doesn't have anydesire to go anywhere do anything, has no hobby. You know, Somebodysaid what your hobby? I said, have any? Obvious I used to. I used to love football. Used to fed on it. He usthe drink rout. Used to love football. Now Watch game sometimes. I likesome. What's why I like going to alcoholics anonymous. I like havinglike like. I am abbsolutely. I am so low maintenance. I amsuch a my daughter's called me, since you're such a lame I said,you know, you such a boy. I said, Hey, thank Godi made it and almost died out there, you know, going broke, tryingto be happy, you know, and running around and and I'm goingon this cruise at the end. I've anounced it on some of you guysknow about the the the Ober Men's sober super bowl crews on just January,thirty one through the third with my sponsor don and a couple other guys,TV be and stuff like that. And the truth of the matter is,so they're talking to me about the ship. I've been on many for the shipand going off on an island, everything like that. Sound I'm goingto leave the shy. I didn't like the idea of packing and unpacking andgoing and everything like that. But the only thing I'm interested in is hangingout with the guys, maybe having a few workshops, maybe having some coffeewith some guy's the only thing that's that's you know, I'm forget it.I'm a total failure. Don't, don't be like but but I'm happy.I don't need to spend money to be happy. I need to buy anew coat to be happy. I don't need a new car to be happy. There's absolutely nothing I need to be I am just flipping happy all thetime. I don't need anything to be all I need is like you guys, hanging out with you guys, and you're all over the place, andI do that, you know. So you're probably not. You know,I don't know. If I heard somebody like me, of course I probablywould say, well, that's pretty lame. But but then again, then again, I used to end with these guys like Joe Sneider, my sponsor, Bob Sullivan, who seemed to be happy all the time and seem tobe a peace with themselves. And no new freedom and new happiness. Youknow, no, matter how far down they they you know, that kindof stuff, and they didn't seem to have really movie star lives, youknow, and they weren't spending money and traveling and flying. I'm not sayingyou can't do that, I'm not saying you're wrong if you do it.I'm not saying as saying, well, I just I don't need to dothat. I have. I'm very pleased with my life and my existence nowand that's that's a deal. But but the truth is, when I firstcame into alcoholics anonymous, I don't know whether you can identify with this,I had a drinking problem. I can't know. I came today because Icouldn't stop drinking. I'm hoping there's some people that came here because I couldn'tstop drinking, not necessarily for the coffee or anything. So what happened waswhat happened was some guy came up to me and this was his message andthis was his message, the message he gave me. This is the message. This is one of the messages of alcoholics anonymous, and it's an incrediblygreat message. It's an unbelievable messages not back. It's probably the best messageof alcoholics. Anonymous. Now, at my age, now, seven yearsold, four kids, seven grandkids or wife and all that sort of stuff, and all that stuff it it doesn't sound when I do meetings like this, and you guys have been around here, it doesn't sound like that. It'snot going to sound like this was my message, but the message thatI received is is. I know this sounds crazy, but you never haveto drink again if you don't want to. So the guy told me I couldnot stop drinking. Now I had a lot of people tell me,why do you drink? Why don't you...

...stop drinking? What the Hell's wrongwith you? But never nobody ever said to me, who don't have todrink if you don't want to. Because I thought I had to drink,I really, I swear. I thought I can vision life without drinking.The whole thing was about the drinking and that's not even the disease. That'sthe same of the disease. But you wanted some. That's exact. Ididn't need to hear about God. I need to hear about emotional sobriety.I need to hear about advanced alcoholics. Anonymous. The only message I needed, and it's a pure message is you come to a you pick up awhite chip, you do what you're told. You never have to drink again ifyou don't want to. You know, and and and you want to someand your life is going to get fantastic. You know, and yourlife is going to get fantastic. That was the message that I didn't Idon't think I heard anything else. I don't know how long I concentrate onthat message. And you know, I love it when New People come inthe room, because what happens is when a brand new first comes in theroom, all of a sudden people search him out. The first step andthe one thing we can all agree on, we can all agree on is this. You come here, you do what they tell you to do,you never have to drink again. It's a simple, straightforward message. Itis the message about it says, I hear it says, I mean howSpiritu ways run. We tried to carry this message. Two alcoholics anonymous.Right, isn't that a message? And anybody can carry that message. Youknow a guy with two weeks and sit next to a guy with two daysand say, let me tell you something, I came here, I'm got adrinking two weeks. Nobody in a, I've never heard anybody in Aa sayyeah, you can drink, ain't no problem with that. You knowit is. We're all like on top of that message. Nobody argues thatmessage. Now what happened was I got sober. I stopped drinking somewhere alongthe way. I don't know where it was. I don't know whether itwas the six month or the seven month or the eighth month. That seemedto me that the not drinking thing is a big deal. I know,I think it's a bit. I think it's a should go through the wall. I'll put you this way. What do we do? Do we dowith you? Nine months, right, and then you get one year,certainly, just certainly for the first year, when you're striving just to get thatred chip and the blue chip and the gold chip and every the notdrinking is the message. Somewhere around whatever it was, the year and ahalf, two years, when drinking was not a problem and I gone throughthe thing and I was working the steps and everything was the problem. Thenall of a sudden I had another problem. Maybe you can identify with this.I had like money problems, I had like wife problems, I hadlike boss problems. I had like envy problems. I'd like feeling sorry formyself problems. I had like fear problems. I had like, you know,the being broke probably all I had. I had living on the planet earthproblems, you know what I mean. And and waking up three o'clock themorning's scared problems, you know, worrying about stuff over and over go, but you can't share BECA. You're worried, what about what people thinkabout you, even though you don't give a shit what people will think aboutI had. I had problems. I was restless, I was serriedable,I had problems with life. Let me tell you something. I don't knowwhat kind of disease you have. I you know. Let me tell yousomething. At their first six or seven months, you start saying that yourself, if you're living this disease. Now I know why I drank. NowI know why I've drank this. This is Shit, you know what Imean. And I had problems and you want to say you know what Iwas suffering from. Guess what I was suffering from, alcoholism. I didn'tknow what alcoholism was when I came down class hons. You know what.That's what alcoholism was. I thought it was the thing where you can't stopdrinking. You know what it says in the book. That says that sayssymptom. That's not even disease. The real disease sends our mind on yourbody. But you got to stop drinking to realize what the real disease lookslike. So when you're running up to your sponsor, when you're running throughmeans, I needed this meaning, or you run up to your sponsor yourdepressed and whatever hell is you're going through...

...and trying to foult what the Hellis wrong with me? You know you that's when you learned what the diseaselooks like, what it feels like. And let me tell something's also less. Until an alcohol accepts his alcoholism and all its consequences, his sobriety precariousand, if to happiness, fund none at all. And what you findout is there are thousands of different consequences. It's not just a consequence of ifyou're drinking and to keep on drinking. You are consequences about feeling sorry foryourself. There's a consequent wants about, you know, worrying about money.There's a consequence of ultimately learning like goals and said the real thing aboutemotional sobriety about it. This is unhealthy dependencies. There's a consequence because youstopped drinking. And then you say then you start worried about the fact thatyou're not having any sex, you don't have any romance, you don't havea partner. You look around, you start envying people. You're growing older. Why don't a have the product? The consequence of not having things thatthey talk about in the sixth step, the consequence of where they talk about. We don't want to deprecate material things, but nobody's ever been a worth movethe money, propping and romance. And then they start. They startnow they're not even talking about boos. They're talking about you being addicted toeverything in the world and running after everything and worrying about everything and sucking yourthumb about everything because you got to have it and you judge yourself by whatyou have and what you don't have. And then there's same things. Youdon't get it. You got to throw all that crap away and just makeGod the central fact of your life. And here's the deal. Even ifyou sort of agree with that it's it's hard to do, harder to dothan the drinking thing. Because when next your disease, your disease, whenyour disease is you feel so shitty about yourself. A commentager said the problemwith alcoholics is Crossy, says they're they're they're out to destroy themselves. Whenyou have a disease where you're constantly measuring how you feel by how other peoplelook on the outside, when your constants, constant comparing yourself to the world,and of course this all world has the whole disease, and you knowand you're looking at the billboards and you look at the movies and you lookat Your Bank account, you look at yourself. When you have a diseasewhere you constantly feel like you're useless and your your illities and you know andyou got all this other crap going on and all you do is try tobolster yourself and your how you feel about yourself by buying shit you can't affordwith money you don't have to impress people you don't even like, or it'scaredto get next to you. When you have that disease where you're feeling constantlyillities and used to drink alcohol. So now you just get another wife oranother girlfriend or a new blouse, or have surgery or plastic surgery. You'rerunning around and then they after you. Get it all and you do itall. You feel great for about what fifteen minutes? You buy another carand then all of a sudden, all of a sudden, after a month, it's it's a used car and you got car payments, and I meanit's like nothing, nothing health. You're nine years sober. You have beendoing this for now years. Just sell a fucking banana. You know whatI mean? You're so broke. You're still worried, you're still anxious.You say what's going on, and all of a sudden you read on thebig book, the Read Disease Senses our mind, on our body, youknow, and in almost every page where they say run a new basis oftrust and relying upon God, it says it says you can't at it.We have that. What does it say that delusion, that delusion that wecan rest happiness out of life by manage gene? Well, if I canonly be rich, if I can only be famous and all and then I'llsee you see these movie starts committing suicide on their seventeen marriage. You seeevery you see goofing as all you see in the White House scooping us.I'm not even getting political. I'm talking about you see presidents get to blowjobs in the white eyes. And what the Hell is that all about?Well, I know it's like. You know. I mean, I couldn'tstop drink, I couldn't stop getting a blow job. I mean, Iunderstand that. It's just in a day, just an addiction. It's just anotheraddiction. It's all over the place. I mean, if us, nobodyunderstands the accrack crap more than me.

There's no there's no solution to it. We we have a solution, actually, and they keep on tryingto tell you the solution. They keep on telling you the solution. Youknow what they say the solution is. It says no human power can doit, you can't manage it. Only God could. Would you know?It says? It says it has to be being selfish, has to withbeing self centered, has to be being delutional, even though you don't thinkso, that's where the big book says. You know. It says that.It says, above everything, we must get rid of this selfishness,the sickness. We must our Killson. You know, the big book says, says God makes that possible, says God makes it's you know what saysin there is a solution, it says. You know, here it talks aboutthis sort of thinking. Has To be thinking of the atheist. Youknow, if only mere code of morals would have been we be okay,he says. It says this sort of thing. It has to be abandoned. That's why I wrote a book talk about God. God. Neither isthere. He is every single page. God, God, God, God, God. But the problem is is that it's not our matter of justsaying, okay, I'm gonna believe in God, although that's where we start. We take the third step. The problem is, it's like every moleculein my body, I know God is the answer. I know that's whatthey say. God is the answer, but I still think a million dollarswould solve a lot of problems. I really do see. I know,I see. Here's the deal. I go to all these meetings and Ilistened all these sponsors and I read all these books and I get excited andall that sort of stuff, and I really know that the answer is Ishould be wearing shoes. I get excited about the idea of wearing shoes.You know what I mean. I think shoes are important. Sometimes all ofhim speaking else a man. I'm a wadow shoes, you know what Imean. But I just never put on the shoes. You know, Igo to conventions about wearing shoes. I hear great speakers about ruin grand shoes. I read the big book about wearing shoes. It tells me how wonderfulshoes are. I'm thinking that shoes with the greatest in the world. Imean my creed is wearing shoes. I go to the big I go Iread the big I read these things and he says there is one who hasall power that one has got. I like a shoe. I'm a shoeguy. I'm now the words. I've memorized tons of stuff in the bigbook. I have been done it by by because I'd forced myself. I'vegot this so many meetings. You know what they talk about it meetings.I go to every meet the alls talk about shoes. Every meeting I goto an alcoholics anonymous is about shoes. You wanted us. Everybody in alcoholics. Anonymous. Is that agreement? They all believe in shoes. I justdon't wear the shoes. I don't wear the shoes. My sponsor used tosay you can, you can talk the talk, but can you walk thewalk? There's the steps. So there's another message. There's an you see, because the problem is there are people in this room right now that havefifteen years sobriety and they don't want to drink, but they're not happy withtheir sobriety. There are people in this room they have five years of sobriety, but they're not being rocketed into the fourth dimension of existence of which theyhave not even dreamed. There are people here in this room that have twoor three years sobriety and you know something, they're scared and they're in fear andyou know some there are people into this room that have ten years sobrietyand they're lonely. You know, the big book says now and then,here and then a person being dry at the moment says feel better, lookbetter, having better time. We laugh at such salid. You know he'sgoing to try to hold game old game again because he's not happy with thissobriety. There are people that are physically soabing this room and have worked thesteps and done everything and they're not happy with their sobriety. They're not happyand you know something. You could come up to him and you and it'simportant and you could talk to him like...

...a newcomer and you can talk tohim you don't have to drink anymore. You could tell him you don't haveto drink anymore. But you know something, that's not the message they need.You might be up to make him feel better. Says, well,I know you feeling terrible and I know you feel bad, I know youfeel lonely, but at least you have that out a drink and it theysort of problem up alone and say you write having a drink. But youknow that's not the message they're looking for. There's more than you know. Onceyou get rid of the booze, there are other messages in alcoholics anonymous. There are people that are really good, you know, and I'd like tosay I'd like to take if I'm forced atted, I know how totalk to a brand newcomer and say you never have to drink again. Iremember one time I went up to a guy and he was feeling all downand he was brand new and I looked at he lost his wife and lostagain, everything like that, and I walk up to him and I toldhim the truth. I said, let me tell you something. That's howI know you feeling bad now, but I'm going to tell you something.You you, you come here and you get a sponsor and you go tomeet these let me tell you something. You're never gonna have to drink againand your life is going to get incredible. And he looked at me because Isaid it with authority, you know, because I knew it was true,because you know it's true, right, because you see it. So hesaid really? I said absolutely, and I was absolutely sure of itand I am absolutely sure of it because I've seen it. And he startsfly setting. Man, thanks, like you said. I'm telling you.I know you got everybody goes through it, but it's going to be great foryou. I got in my car and I'm driving office this man.What's IT GOING TO BE? fucking great for you? You know, yougot nine years in your basket case. You know, I didn't need totalk about the drinking. I need the Timey to talk about what's it liketo be nine years sober, have a wife and four kids, not havemoney in the bank, be worried and be anxious and feeling, you know, and doing the stuff, going out there like Bill Wilson, going tothe meetings. Yet you know what he said? He said an eighteen monthssobriety, he had waves of selfpity. He didn't say it was drinking,he said he had waves of selfpity. You know, you can have waysof self pity at at five years. You have ways of self pity atfifteen years. You could have also. This disease is a serious disease andit's subtle and it's patients and it center's in your mind, not your body. Don't think just because you are not drinking you've escaped the the gravitational pullof this disease back into your feeling sorry for us. So the deal isso that's where the sixth step comes in. When you think about it, that'sthe shoe step. You know what to say in the sixth step saysthis is the step that separates the men from the boys. This is thestep that separates the guys that are wearing the shoes from the guys and galsthat are barefoot. This is the step that separates the guys, that separatesthe people that are talking about it from the people that are doing it.This is the step. There's there, in other words, there's a message, and one of the messages is if you go to means, if youdo all this stuff, help other people, you won't drink. You don't haveto drink. And a lot of people get that message. Millions ofpeople get that message, you know what I mean. But they're still cheatingon their wives, or they're still feel inside where they still or they're stillworrying about they're still worshiping money, or they're still trying to manage your livesso they can be a success, because they did. But there's still tryingto get a trip to Europe because they know that'll make them happy. Ordo you get buffed, because that'll make them happy? And I'm not puttingthat down, like probably use a little that. You know what I mean. But but I'm saying there are people...

...that get the not drinking message.You're with me. They get the general drinking message, but they don't getthe other surrender. They don't get becoming entirely ready to have God not onlymove the drinking, remove the thinking, remove the horring around, remove theyou know, the lasting, remove all that other stuff. I know whenI talked about stuff like that, something that's probably some guy back in washis man. This guy's battle lamage ship is for drinking. And I instantand I understand if you got pissed up. You said, you know, sowhat is this that I'm not in church. I'm not in church,I mean here for not drinking. This is about not drinking. Well,I don't know what to tell you. Buddy. You need to read thetwelve and twelve. This is they talked about drinking in the first step.Talk about drinking in the first couple of chapters. You need to read therest of the book. You need to read about that step set. Youneed to read the twelve and twelve and seven. You got to read aboutthe deal. Now you don't have to do anything. But the six stepis about wearing the shoes. The six step is about going for that's theemotion, sprite. Well, you know something, it is true because forthe last one of my thirty nine years sober luck, I raised four kids, seven grandkids. For the last whatever it is with. Thirty seven,thirty five years I've been dealing with life. I've been dealing with the stuff you'redealing with. I had five years. I done what five years stuff.I had seven years. I done what seven years stuff. I tenyears. I done with ten. You. I had fifteen years. I donewith tender. You come up to me. You come to you gotfifteen years, you start telling about a problem you have. You know someI'm probably going to identify with it. I'm probably going to say I wantto do that. You come up to me, you got twenty years,you tell me about a problem you have. You're not. I'm not going tosay man, never had that. I'm saying, yeah, I knowwhen you're talking about I had that. It's not Fami, my sponsors atthat. You know I'm gonna identify with that. You know what I mean. She's so every year, every decade, you want to some I'm carrying adifferent message and the message I'm going to carry and it's not bad orgood, it's just the way it is. I'm not going to carry the samemessage I carried when I had two weeks. When I had two weeks, I sat nice to God. There's a message I carry. Man,I'm going here for two weeks having and I haven't had a drink. Everything'scool. That's the message I carry. Six months message I carried I haven'thad it necessary to have a drink. You know that. You know youknow something after five years or ten years. As a different message. It's themessage about not drinking, but it's also the message you don't have toat suicide, you know, feel sorry for yourself. You don't have todo that to your wife. You don't have you don't have to a lot. It's a different message. So when I speak, you know, andI talk about this when when I've done here in this group, that's howI'm always talking about like the sixth and the seventh step and emotional sobriety,because that's what I've been involved with the last twenty something years. Right,that's my message. That's a message too. There maybe you know an AA whenyou think about it. I'm just saying this. I'm not saying I'mright or wrong. There's really sort of like two messages. There's the messageof the not drinking message, which is important because you're drink you don't haveshot, and then there's the message of developing emotional sobriety. There's the messageof developing emotional sobriety. It's a different type of message, but if youdon't get the emotional sobriety message, you might go back to the drinking deal. Or maybe you will go back to the drinking deal. I mean there'sa lot of people, I just say, they stay in AA and they don'tdrink and they end up dying sober, but they're miserable. They're living livesof quiet desperation. Right. So, you know, you gotta so thething about that thing that that's why I like that shoe thing. Youknow, HM, you know it. That's why I like you know,my spons used to say many are called, but fewer chosen. You can talkto talk, but you can walk the walk. And I swear toGod they're the first six months I had no idea what Ellie was talking about. You know, you can talk, talking the what, because I didn'tknow what the walk was. I know what the walk was, I didn'tknow what you had to do in this...

...thing. You know, if hestarts talking about this stuff we're talking about right now, you know, Imean back when I had three months, I say look, I'm just tryingnot to drink and blow my brains out. You know what I mean and youknow but that that's the deal. So there's this twelve step thing.There's different ways of carry the message. It's a giant toolbox. There aredifferent messages. Different people need different messages. There are some people here tonight.They heard one message. Of some people at night heard a completely differentmessage. Some people tonight, maybe you didn't hear anything at all. Youknow what I mean. Some person here maybe at fifteen years I need tohear that message. He heard a message, yes, and but the messages.It's not the message the guy with one year heard is different message.So thank you very much. God. Tis So time.

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