AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 3 · 2 years ago

Russell S - Fear of People @ West Dixie Club 2019-2020 #5

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Oh boy, no, old age, it's not for Sissy's. I'll tell you. Okay, can't wait to hear what I have to say. My Name's Russell spats. I'm an alcoholic. I'm a member of the Celtics, the group, and I haven't found necessary to have a drinking or have I had a drink since January twenty two, one thousand nine hundred and eighty one. And it's privileged to be here. It's always good for me to be at an a meeting, good place to be. I like hanging out with my peeps, my tribe. You guys are all members of the tribe. You know, you've got all fucking crazy, all crazy, you guys. You guys even understand how incredibly lucky you are to be alcoholics? How how incredibly fortunate you are to be alcoholics and in here. Do you know as that? You know I've been sober. Will be almost twenty nine years. No, thirty nine years, whatever. So here's the deal. You know, after you've been sober for a while. Yeah, you don't even know. You don't even understand. You know what? You don't even start, but you're like laughing. I haven't even said anything yet. You know after you've been sober for a while. I don't know whether I know. We have people with a hundred days and do we got people with a lot of years back there? And Have you noticed that there are people? I don't want to start off on a negative note, but I mean we'll just talk realistically. You know about that. You have you noticed while being out there, now that you're sober, that there are people that are not alcoholics? They appear to have the thirty disease you have, as anybody notice that. You know I mean. I mean they just appear to have the same disease. I call them assoholics. You know what you're they're like assholes, but they're in they're selfish and they're self centered, but they have no hope of ever getting better. Young said they they'll never get better. They're going to live lives of quiet desperation. They'll never see, they'll deep. They were born that way, they will be that way, they will die that way, you know, barring any some sort of supernatural intervention, which you know is probably rare for these people. You know, they just have rummy lives, you know, like like the crummy lives we have and sometimes have. You know, but we at least have alcohol. That the sort of you know what it says. Why all this insistence on hitting bottom? My sponsor used to say, don't rob an alcoholic of his desperation. Every alcohol cast out his last right. You know how people own a computer here, because ever on the computer here. You know, raise your hand. Very good. It's participation meaning so. So. I mean, I'm not a computer geek or anti like that, but I know a little bit, you know, for a seven year old guy. No, and you know sometimes with computers what you got to do is, oddly enough, as any may experiences, is when they start going crazy, is you got to actually turn them off. You got to kill them. You had hit the kill switch, turn them suckers off right, right, and then you would either you like reboot them right and they sort of fix themselves. You know, I'm sorry, I kind of think that maybe that's what has to happen alcohols. Somebody has hit the freaking kill switch. You know what I mean? You got to, you gotta basically die. It's got to be so drafted. They all the power, you pull all the plugs, pull out all the power, they go down. They sort of reboot themselves and that kind of thing. It's got to be and sometimes it has nothing to do with the circumstances. I've had people in my life that I've sponsored or I know the circumstances they got to were so much worse than my circumstances and somehow you say well, and they just don't get it. They get it for a little while or something like that, but they don't get it and it has it's some sort of inside deal. It's a mystery. You know, get to some sort of point. I guess the Book Calls It, what is it called? The jumping off place, says here and then an alcoholic dry at the moment says feel better, look better, having a better time, says. We laugh at such sally. You know he'll try the old game again because...

...he's not happy with his sobriety. Soon he'll know loneliness as few do. He'll be at the end. He'll wish for who wish for the end. You know the jumping off place. I've been. I've rented some space in that deal, I can tell you that. And I don't know what the difference it says in the big book. It says why all this insistence on hitting bottom, you know, somehow getting to some sort of point. You know, everybody. I'm mean, I used to think I'm about to this is all heresy. What I'm what about to say right now. Don't pay any attention to it. I'm probably wrong. But you know what's happened to me is over last thirty nine years working this thing and doing this thing, you know I've changed. I've seen different thing, I've connected dots. You know, a lot of guys been so for a long time. There's people were ten, fifteen, twenty years. Have you noticed that, as time goes along you get these little epiphanies, these little things, stuff happened to you? You sort of noticed things in the big book? Maybe you notice things that the big book at nine years that you've been reading all your life, but you never really noticed it. But you know, sort of like comes a part of your life. Or you know when you see certain things and all seen, you look at things differently. It's like, what are those things that you look through and you turn them kaleidoscopes? It's like every day, every week, it's a different color, it's a different kalidoscope and see things differently. And I used to I used to. I used to think. You know, I've just changed my thinking on some things. I used to think that the first step was the most important step. They say that's the only step you got to do one hundred percent. Must be the most important step, right. But you know, I don't know. I all I see in as people picking up white chips, walking up, they pick up a white ship. I mean, I'm not saying it is the word, you know. They pick up white chips. They do the first step. They believe their powers over outlawing their life is unmanageable and they pick it up. And then six months later they're drinking again, then three years later they're drinking again, then ten years later they drinking it yet then twenty years later they're drinking again. They've gone to all the meetings, have gone that sixteen treatment centers with the turn about the first step. They were they say their palace over Alphole in the life is unmagical. They believe it and they're drinking again. And so then I decide, well, maybe it's the third step that's the most important stuff. That's maybe that's the third step. You know. Then I got in the third step field, the most important a big third step. Guy, I like to talk about God, but you know, I did the third step. Ain't no big deal really, you know. I mean tell you the truth. I hate to make it yeah, I hate to minimize it, but I got him a knees. I'm not sure whether I believe in God or a power. I know this. I was compliant, I was submissive. I didn't really you know, I came to the room. They said Save the serenity prayer. You know how we saw. I said the serenity prayer. I didn't sit there say I ain't got to say that prayer. I said this undy for everybody else was doing it. I'm an alcoholic, you know. I said Alcoholic. One of the consequences being an alcoholic because you want to blend, you know, you want people like you. So I did that deal and and I said the Lord's prayer. I didn't stand up say that it's a Christian prayer. I don't like that. I said I you know, I said the serending prayer. I did what they told me to do. I mean I believe, by the way, I believe that. I think it counts. It may not seem to you like it. I think if you say the surrind prayer and the Lord's prayer at the end. I said, if you do that, I think it counts for something. It does something to you. It does something to you. But so I did. That's up. But you want to know something? The third step I wanted to my bathroom has had about three months. I got down on my knees and I locked the door, the bathroom door, because you don't want anybody walking in on you off the street seeing you down on your knees. Don't want to and that shit happening. You know what I mean? This is the truth. It's the truth. I locked the I'm in my house alone. I locked...

...the door. By the way, that has a lot to do with what we're going to talk about tonight. You know, I'm it's going to be about it's good. Started to be about the fifth step. kind of somebody, as I was driving up here, somebody, one of the guys that card, said you know, I you know we're talking about doing the steps, and I said, well, you know, if you really want to hear a good fifth step, you got to go back to one of my recordings in two thousand and three or four when I actually talk about the steps but sort of moved on. It's all about the steps. I think I'm talking about the steps, but it's just different because it's just a different deal. You know where I used to talk about the actual mechanics. Do this, do that, how I did the steps and everything like that, and you get that from your sponsor. You can read about in the big book. Other people talk about it. There's nothing wrong with it, but I just see things that. I just see things differently. You know, my stories changed, and so I used to I did the third step. I got down on my knees and I said, you know, we have a third step prayer. Some people memorize that. I never actually memorized it. I mean memorize a lot of other things, but I got down on my knees. I said it one time. I said it got that. That's what you do. That's you do third step. Now it recommends you do it with another person. I wasn't ready for that stuff. Yeah, you know what I mean. It was too way too much. You know, for me. I did do it with another person like couple years later down the road and I did some more times, but but that I did it. I got down on my knees. I said third step, prayer and I tried to be sincere, you know, and you know, serious, and then I got up and business as usual. I didn't know, I mean fifteen rabbis and a priest didn't come down. I didn't notice any archangels. I didn't you know, I didn't start glowing or anything. It was and then I went on to continue to manage my life and go to meetings and start that kind of stuff. And and I and for years I thought, well, maybe the third step, maybe that's the most important thing. But you know, I know a lot of people that have taken and you know something, you know it was good about doing that third step is I went to the meeting and I said, I just did the third step. You know what I mean? That's if you're an alcoholic, you want people to know that you're like involved in this deal. And it's like it's like it's like a promotion. You know what I'm talking about. It's like a metal it's like it's like you get attention right. You know, it's like when you say I got a hundred days, I got thirty, two days, I got fifty. Here I pick them up a green ship you know, I mean green ship. You know, I'm perfect ul ship, whatever it is. You know, it's it's good. It's a good thing. It feels good that you're like doing something. That's a good thing. There's nothing wrong with that. But but the thing is, I've seen a lot of people who have done the first step in the second step, like the you know, I didn't think much of the second step, you know, sort of like a second step step to me was like something that happened between the first step in the third step, which it is, you know, I mean when you think about it. But but it didn't sound like a major thing. But actually it is a major thing because because it has to do really it doesn't seem like a major thing at first. It doesn't seem like a major thing at first because, I don't know, it doesn't seem like you have to do too much. But but as I go along I look back on it, it's really a key thing that sort of comes up when you start realizing, when you start really grasping how crazy you are and how sick this diseases and how insidious it is and how, on your best day, you'll never how great how it could take get any I don't think. I don't think. I really you really realize how tough this deal is? It says unless it until an alcoholic accepts his alcoholism and all its consequences, his sobriety, be precarious of true happiness. They'll find none at all. Why does a person with ten years? I don't know how long a lot of you guys have been around, but I've been around long enough. So I've seen people with three years going to meetings, go out and drink...

...and drug again die. I've seen people with five years go out and drinking drug again. I've seen people nine years go out and use crack and die. I've seen people with fifteen years go out and use twenty years, thirty years. You know, if you've been a round it a long enough, you see a lot of people do that. Most people do that. I think one half of one percent. I was told one time. It read somewhere some time and that's Ay the one. I don't even know. How do they take statistics? It's probably all wrong. The only one half of one percent makes over twenty years. How do you think that? How does that? It sound like they didn't do the third step. It's like they did? I used to say, well, he obviously I haven't done the first step. Yeah, some guys stayed sober for twenty years going to meetings. He never did the first step. You know, what's the deal with that? How does somebody with twenty years, with ten years, with even five years, going to meetings listening to all this stuff? How do they go to how you ever figure out how that happens? You know, somebody will say something to you, like they'll say, well, you'll hear this. Well, I stopped going to meetings. So you say to yourself, well, that's easy, I just ain't never going to stop going to meetings. Right, she said I never going to stop going to meets but but you don't realize is those guys that stop going to meetings. One time we're sitting where you're sitting and they were saying things I never going to stop going to meetings. So then you got to try to think. Well, a lot of people stop going to meetings. It's an interesting question. Why do people stop going to meetings? Because of a woman, because the worldly clamorous, because of a man, because a Roman, it's because of cars, are whatever it is. They get distracted worldly clambers is that it? Maybe that's the reason. But but those clambers are all er, they're all around me, they're all around people that stay. Why is it some people get distracted by romance, sex, cars and all that worldly stuff. You know, Bill Wilson said the key to emotional sobriety, the next level the men, for the boys, is unhealthy dependencies, unhealthy addictions, dependencies not on alcohol, not a drugs, on other shit, one other stuff, you know, stuff that I've been running around. That has it been in my life that I've been taking old ideas that are embedded in me where if you don't, if you don't get rid of the results are what nil? Half measures of Ellis what my mind tells me. That should give me at least fifty percent, you know what I mean. And yet it says in the end it will fail me nothing. The only problem is with the half measures of Allamy, nothing is I won't realize it's a filmy nothing until I direct me got a drug and I'll realize that all this tenures, staying in a and doing all this stuff. I missed the I've missed the whole point of the deal because I was just playing games, because I never really did the deal. I'm going to meetings, I've been doing. I mean, what's the answer? It gives you look like little hints. It says I suffer from insane it says a POW will will restore me to sanity. So I must have been insane and restore me to Santitay. So I mean, what is what is that insanity look like? Well, the book sort of gives a hint. It says it says it looks like being selfish, being self centered. I personally think I'm a good guy. I don't know too many alcohols that don't think that. Basically, my grandmother said, Russell, you know something, you're basically a good boy. I have no idea what that means. I think it means underneath all the bullshit, you know, there's some sort of you know, bully, you know goodness and and everything. I know, or heard a lot of people sober. I don't need alcohol to be an asshole. I really don't. You know, I've heard most that. Many of most people I heard in my life did a cold stone sober, calling up, making excuses and everything like. I heard many people the same way, the same people after I came downcoholics anonymous to even today, when I do something wrong or I screw up or I get angry, it's the same type of act. Ain't no new defects with me. Same Shit I was doing when I was ten years old. You know what I mean? I'll need alcohol to be it selfish, selfishness and selfcentedness, which...

...you know, the first step and get it out of jail. You got to know you're in general the first place. How do you even know what the selfishness look? Hey Listen, how do I? How did I find out about alcohol? Fifteen years of drinking, sixteen years of drinking, when I finally got to the point, like it was like this, Hey, I'm palace over alcohol. My life is unmanageable. You know what's the problem? I problems. I was prowas over alcohol. My life was unmanageable like ten years prior to that, I just didn't see it, you know, somehow you all of a sudden you wake up one day and you say, I'm all screwed up, my life is screwed up, it's because of alcohol. And so you go to Aa because you think you have a problem with alcohol, because your Palas over alcohol, and your life is unmagable and you come day and you stop drinking. You Stop Drinking, stop drinking because you recover your I'm recovered from that hope of state of mind and body, only to learn that drink is not even the problem. The Big Book says drinking is a symptom of the problem. The real problem centers in my mind, not in my mind, not my body. Sure, I got the chemical ad diction, all sort of stuff. They talk about it. You know, if I put something by body sense of craving. But the bottom line is everybody I know who drinks again, who slips in a a again right before they ruck. Everybody I know has three years, four years, five years, one hundred thirty two day for you that slips again right before they take the drink, they're sober. Did you know that when a person slips and alcoholics anonymous and takes the drink right before they take the drink, they're actually sober. So they're not doing it out of crazy. They doing it. Why would a person who goes day a five years, for five years, take a drink? I happen to know the answer, maybe one of the answer. Would you like to know the answer, because they're fucking nuts. You, I mean, you understand that, because they're insane. That's what the second step says. It says you're insane. Carl Manager wrote a book called Man agusts himself. He said alcoholics are men and women are out to destroy themselves. You think they have all these things going on deep down inside, that you even know about all these thoughts of being an asshole. Muscle kill myself. I'm ne would be okay. Not Feeling Worthy, a whole feeling of unworthiness, not being good enough, knowing you're an Asshole, you're idiot. You're an idiot trying to make sure nobody finds out how stupid you are. You know, the teacher says, does anybody have a question? You have a question. You don't want to raise your hand because people think it's a stupid question and laugh at you. saverybody says yeah, everybody have the answer. You think you have the answer, but what if you're wrong? You want to be president, but you're scared to run. You want to get a better job, but you're scared to go out and actually, you know, apply for one. You know you want to say something at the meeting, but what if you say something stupid and they think you're stupid. You walk away from the meeting saying, why the fuck did I say that? You know I'm such an asshole. You know, somebody says to you. Once you Chad the meeting, you say, I'm not ready alcohol, code for a I'm scared shit list. That of me, you know, and I mean a whole life filled with fear, the corrosive thread selfishness and self centers the the consequence. That's it, unless until an alcoholic accepts the is, alcoholism in all its consequences is surpriety. Be Precarious of true happiness, will find it at all. But but how do you find out what the consequences are? I took me fifteen years to find out about the to find out about the symptom. The symptom drinking alcohol nown so let's find outbout the cow. Do I find out about the consequences? I mean, it says part of being selfish and self said it is. What did it say? Driven by a hundred forms of fear. A hundred forms of fear. You know, I may figure out one or two, and and that we're selfdelute with delusional. That means you don't know what the Hell's going on. You Delusional. You don't see it, you know, but we...

...ultimately see that. You know, we step on toes of others, they retaliate. We see we make decisions based upon self, whatever that means. Stupid decisions would put us in a position to be hurt, self destructive, though we usually don't think so. We don't even see it. How do you find out about that stuff? I didn't find out about this so well. I'll tell you how you find out about it. You get stopped on about three thousand times over period of twenty, thirty years, trying to figure out why is it happened to me? Why is all this happened? Men? And ultimately you fall certain rules. You do things like fourth steps and fifth steps and inventories, and you write down stuff that you would never write down before you take your take instruction. I'll tell you one thing. When I was feeling bad and I was feeling sorry for myself and Shit would happen to me, I never wrote down a list of resentments, you know, and why did I resent them? You know, what is it? Effect and disregarding the ASSHOLE. We did all that shit to me. Where was I wrong. I did never did that stuff. I just I just went to the Barn said, you know, that that guy routed as a piece of shit. My boss is a piece of shit. You know. wantest something? I hate my wife. I'm leaving it. Yeah, I just I just sought the council of another member of the tribe, you know I mean one of you guys. I'd find you in a Bar, I'd say my wife is in it, I'm getting and they say, yeah, she is a bitch, she doesn't deserve you. Russell. I'd say the Council of somebody else who was as crazy as I was, you know I mean, and he would say something crazy. I'd say, that's why I like hanging out in the bars, because these guys are so smart, because that's what I was thinking, you know what I mean. A new wife, a new car, a new boss, a new job. Then of course you got to apply for a job, and that's scary, you know. And not that I give a shit what other people think about me, you know, because I tell myself, even though my whole life is ruled by fear of people. You know, I tell myself I don't give a crapt what other people think about me, then. What does the fourth, seven fifth step have to do with all this stuff? Anyway? You know, and I mean it's it's so with figure out motivations and free it takes years to even see the cup, even connect the dots and see how crazy you are whenever you're disturbed. My this is the spiritual axio. Whenever you're disturbing, matter what the car and you're not supposed to figure this out. And so you get to the tent step. I don't have you like that. It's the ten steps spiritual axiom. Whenever you disturbed, no matter what the cause, there's something wrong with you. Now you know, raise any anybody ever been in the last one disturbed? You have been disturbed by something. I'll disturb it. I know they're supposis say, we're you know. You know what's supposed to happen. If you join a a you do something right, you supposed to be rocketed into the fourth dimension of existence. You guys been rocking in the fourth dimension of existence. Yet have you experienced much of heaven inexplicable life? Have you experienced the new freedom? You'll know if it's the new freedom, because it's not like anything you're used to. It's brand new. Have you experienced that yet, or have you just experienced you're not drinking, you feel pretty good, but every once while you get disturbed. Oh Shit, every other hour you get disturbed. What happens when you get disturbed? You know, you think bad thoughts about yourself and other people. Do you talk about people behind their back? Do you say things like wis this shit always happening to me? You sort of feel sorry for yourself, you like a fucking victim or something. And what's going on there? You know it's alcoholism, you know. So what's the consequences of being an alcohol what do they look like? How long is it take to figure that shit out? I mean, if the first stup getting out of jails knowing you're in jail in the first place, when do you start actually seeing what the real problem is? You got to do all this stuff, you got to go through all this crap, and then it says, well, I'll tell you what it says. One of things it says in the book this is all books stuff. I'm not making this crap up. This is after thirty, you know. Listen, I this is a to doing this thing for thirty eight plus years. You know I mean, I know the deal. I know what it is. I'm not to I'n'T have to look it up in the book. Or what do I do now? I've been doing it...

...for thirty you know, after you do the same thing and follow the book, you know you may need they need sixteen sponsors on a penguin. You made me. The book made all the do that. You may need all that stuff you made. Need to go to fifteen thousand means of find. Okay, do this, do that to get all that. But you know, you figure after thirty eight years, you you figure out something, you know what I mean, without having to go to the material. Not that you shouldn't go to the material. So I've been I've been. I've been trying to survive this crazy world with assoholis out there while the firing live ammunition at me, living in the real world, not making believe for thirty eight plus, almost thirty nine years, and not only trying to do that, but trying to also experience those promises, that crap they read after every meeting. That's supposed to happen to you. That doesn't really happen. Ever, at nine years or ten years or fifteen years, I said to but there it happens to these guys with dirty years. That's the only thing, because I'd go to these guys with thirty years, it looked like they was happening to them, and it had, I'd say, the Real Keif, at nine years sober, I said, what am I going to be? How Financial Security? What am I going to be wealthy and how financial scurity? Because it's said in the big the promises you'll you'll lose fear of financial and security. So I have like billions of dollars. You know what I mean, which I figured. I'm a lawyer, like you know. So I said to him, because I was broken yet nine years, because it had something with spending money. You don't have to buy shit, you don't need to impress people you don't like. That's doing with would spending money on on like Mercedes at six hundred and seven hundred a month when you can't really afford it, but I don't know, you like the car and you like and the point is, if you're driving Mercedes, people think you're wealthy and you're rich and you've better. It has to live in a dishonest lifestyle, just like the car. You just like, what what you feel like when you're driving in it, and then your sponsor says to you something like watch you get rid of that car and simplified your life and by like a used Chevy. And you ain't never going to do that. It's just not going to happen. It's not. You're going to just try to figure out. You say, well, listen, I got the answer for you. What's that? He says, earn more or spend less. I said, well, what would be? What would be my third option? You know what I mean? No, a third option is just borrow money on credit cards and everything other people's money. So you can do that. And the reason you do that is because you worry about what other people think about you. You don't realize how much your life has ruled on vanity and worried about what other people think about you. Don't realize it because you're too busy telling yourself you really don't give a shit what other people think about you. You just know that you're living a crummy life because you're always broken and you ask some give other promises like real Keif, and he says something like this. He says you, he says Russelly says, where does it say that? Sat in the book? It says fear people in the back and happing screw will leave you. He says. Yeah, the fear will leave you. The fear, he says, you will always be broke. It just won't bother you. What is that going to happen? And then you keep on trucking, to keep on trucking, and then one day you wake up, I don't know, twenty five years, thirty years, and it's HAP and you wake up and it's happened. It happened. It happens. You Stop wearying. All of a sudden you wake up and you're not worried about stuff like that. You can talk for an hour at meeting without having anything planned and just talk about it's on your heart and what's on your mind and you don't worry about what you're going to say when you're coming up here. You don't have to study for you don't have to get nervous. You know what I means. I don't know how it happens. I don't know how that happens, but when you lose fear of people, you know what your story is. You can you can, you can be honest. You can be genuine, you can be authentic. You know, it's all inside each one of you. Your story. You just don't know it or you're scared to tell it.

You're just scared to tell her. But then life becomes easy. Push you're not feeling like a piece of Shit, you don't walk out of means worrying. I wonder what they're thinking about me. You don't you lose. What happened? What kind of life is that? What do you think that? What do you think life feels like? When you will you stop being so concerned about who you are and what you are in the eyes of other people? You know, when you live your entire life Fas Lee, thinking that you are what other people think about, you know it's pretty shitty life. You know pretty shitty life, guys, when you got to have a goodlooking Gal in your life walking next to you so that you can feel like a man, and you don't feel too good when you don't have a date or a man. You know, gals, when you feel like you cannot marry, you're a piece of Shit, you know what I mean? Or if you have a certain weightside went when, when everything depends upon you know, the circumstances of your life or how you look or what kind of clothes you have. You know what I mean. It's all dependent upon that and one day you may have to close. One day you may not have the clothes make when they when. That's what your life depends on or to feel good about yourself. Pretty Shitty life. It's hard to realize how shitty. Like you, it's hard to realize it's a shitty life because when you watch TV and you see the movies, see all these people you worship, you know, the movie stars, everything like that, and you look at all the billboards, seems like that is the deal, right. I guess that's why all these movie stars are committing suicide and doing all sorts of crazy shit. You know, apparently that's not the deal. There are people that talk about a different type of life, but they're in church. And who wants to do that? Because we're spiritual, not religious, even though the big book encourages church membership. But you worry what people think about you if you go to church. You know, I got past that Shit, you know, I started doing what they were doing and the old days in the big book. I joined the Church and I hung around people who who talk about God. Yeah, their hypocrits, they're not perfect, everything like that, but you want to know something? They they talk about God all the time. I can tell you that they're focused on that deal, focused on the Bible and stuff like that. And I'm telling you don't have to do it. You just keep on doing what you're doing. But you learn about that, you learn about this disease as time goes on. So when I first came into alcoholics anonymous, so, for instance, what does that through the fist up. So let me say this. You first come into alcoholics anonymous. Now, I know you're all going to find this hard to believe, for the first two or three weeks I go to meetings and I wouldn't talk at all. Now the truth is I got cured of that, but my sponsor took me aside. I'd listen to all the stories and listen to what everybody said, and I was a troll attorney. He's try murder cases. I mean I would talk in front of people. I can try a two week murder case of talking in front of people and I wouldn't say a thing. When I was in an ame room and my sponsor said to me. He said, you know, Russ, I noticed that when you go to these meets, you don't say anything, and I said to him, as honest as I could possibly be at the time, I said why? Don't really have anything important to say, and he said to me this, he said, you know something, you're selfish. This is the interesting thing about sponsors and stuff like that, because they tell you shit. They they cause you to think about stuff that you'd never see in a million years. I'm thinking I'm the humblest guy in the room because I'm not talking. I'm the guy in the back of the room not saying crap, judging the guy who's chairing the meeting, saying why don't they have me thinking I'm the humble one, when I'm the I'm the most selfrighteous prick on the entire place, because all I'm doing is judge and somebody else, you know, and sitting back to thinking I'm so humble. And this is what he said to me. He said to me, he said, Russ, your selfish. I said what you mean? I'm selfish. She says, you know, Russell, these people come to this meeting and they share, you know, intimate stuff about their stories and what's going on with them certainly does sort of help themselves, but hoping that maybe what they're saying might help somebody else. And you sit there and you like a voyer. You. You listen to every word...

...they say, he says, but you don't say you don't say anything about yourself. He says. You know some you're all taken your no give. You know what I mean. You just want to listen and watch and be a spectator, but you don't even want to risk saying anything that might help that. He says, and this is what he says. He says. Who the hell are you to make the decision that what you have to say isn't important? So you like shame me. That's what a good sponsor does, because that's how we got a new perspective, by repeated humiliations and the final crushing of ourselves efficiency. I'm not making this shit up, it's actually in our literature. That's how we got a new perspective out things, because we're pretty hard at and we got these old ideas. And the way we got a new perspective is, believe me, if you got arrested enough times and enough shit happens to you, as a result of alcohol. You'll ultimately figure out. I think I have a drinking problem and if enough bullshit happens to you because you have certain cons once of alcoholism, you might dawn upon you that you got other problems. You understand, you might dawn upon you. And so I started forcing myself to say stuff, to share. Simple is that you know, so you know. I start to dig down beneath all that. And why is it that I didn't want to share? Why is it that I used to walk out of meetings after I should and worry about and go over my head. What did I say? I said, well, I should have said this or I should have said that, or all people think. Why is it when people ask me to Chare me and I would say I'm not ready. What did I well, what was that all about? Why is it I start asking myself some of the IT? Why is it I'd said to my sponsor Bob, what if somebody asked me whether I want to drink? What do I say? Why does the thirty one year old man who's a troll attorney, who's an alcoholic, who's going to a mean have to inquire of another human being if somebody asked me with her want to drink. What do I say? No, why not? Really? What is that? Why do I need to know that? And when he says to me, say this, say no, thank you, and I say to him that's it. Why am I so puzzled about that? Why is why is it? I Open me learn. What does it say? Maybe the answer is somewhere in the big book of Alcoholics. And No, they did somewhere in the promises. What are one of the promises? Lose a fear people? Isn't that one of the promises? You know, one of the things that says about alcoholics is that would delusion. Maybe one of the consequences be an alcohol is you are concredibly scared of what people think about maybe you don't have an alcohol from at all right now because you're not drinking. Maybe your problem is is that you walk around and you're scared shitless of what other people think about you or what they're going to think about you. And maybe this is a case. Maybe you're completely scared of what other people think about you because you think you're a piece of shit, and maybe you're ready for this that you don't even know how scared you are. WHOA like your delusional. Maybe you are that, maybe you don't have a flipping clue at the how scared you are. Maybe, I don't know, maybe one day you won't be scared of people and maybe you'll live you. Let me ask something it. Well, if you were scared of people and if, like they say in Ecclesiastes, everything is vanity and worried about what other people think about you, well, that would pretty much explain why you ask all these questions and why you worry about all this stuff and why you're so anxious. As a matter of fact, come to think about it, that would sort of explain why I spend more money than they make and why I do some of the things I do because I worry so much about what other people think about me. You know, because you know, I think you know that that would explain something. You know. I'm thinking that's a...

...possibility. I don't know. And you know that part where it says we're going to lose economic fear of financial what is it? Financial peer? But you know, come to think of it, when I used to worry about when my house, my house one time went into foreclosure, but during the big deal, you know, and and and many times I've been broke. Anybody here? I've been broke every hey, anybody here ever? Have every thank you, sir, for being honest and raising your hand. They've all been broke many, many times, but they won't raise their hand. You know why they won't raise their hands? Because so worried about what other people going to think about them. Ain't that. Ain't going to fucking happen. But I appreciate you raising your hands. Okay, you know they're I'm going to talk about it. But but you see and and you see about being broke. You know what? What about worrying about financial and security? You know what the biggest problem was would be with financial insecurity? Being brokeer, having problems. Sure, you worry about I'm I going to be homeless and should like, but what you're really worried about is, what will people think about me if I'm broke? What will people think about me if I lose the car? What will people think about me if I lose the house? Let me ask them. What would your life be like if you never had any concern about what other people if you really never cared what other people think about not in like an arrogant way, but it just that that your life and your self worth was not based on what people in a a or people in the outside world think about you. Well, how would your life change? How do you think you'd feel about the shit? Free? Yeah, more you think? You think you'd be freer. I'd be a fucking you gift, don't you think? I'd be a gift? You beat, you'd be unbelievable. What boy, that would be something. How do you do that Shit? You know what I mean. I'd be like the promises coming true in your life. How does that happen? Now, now, so why do we have to go through this fifth step? What does this fifth step have to do? I mean, you got to sit down with why do why are people scared of the fifth step in the fourth step? Why do you think that is? Why do you think people are scared of, you know, say, maybe I have something to do with actually sitting down with somebody face to face and talk about shit that you don't want to talk about. You know, maybe that's maybe that's a key to a way of life, you know, like that manner of living each demand's rigors, honesty, a manner of living that growth, in the manner of living that demand's rigors honesty. That's a first key. Now, now, my way of life is I ain't telling you shit. Well, I'll tell you shit if I'm in a bar and I'm drinking, or I don't even have to be drinking, I'll tell you shit if you're like one of us and I trust you. The problem is it's going to be it's going to be dishonest bullshit. I'm not going to tell you the truth, not because I'm going to lie to you, but because it's my nature. I don't see it, because in everything I'm going to tell you, I'm always going to be the hero and I'm always going to be the victim and it's never going to be my fault. Is My fact. That was my story when I came in day. It's not my fault, I'm not to blame, it's this other son of a bitch, you know what I mean. And I don't even see that. That's crazier delusional. That's shut to me. It looks that way to me. I'm a good guy in the good world. Bad Breaks, a misunderstandings and my wife is an asshole. You know what I mean. That's the way it looks to me. You know, I mean so even and I think I going to barstart sharing shit and I think I'm and I think somehow I'm getting better by sharing and I'm sharing lies. I'm sharing lies with other wires who are telling me I'm right, and all I do is I continue to be measurable, miserable, drinking, mindable, not drinking, not even seeing what's going on. What do you do? You think you read the big book one time and after a week, all of a sudden you're cured of that dis ease, that delusion? I mean, how long do you think it takes the clear up a mind that, for thirty one years, forty one years, fifty years, however many years it is, is crazy and insane, insane, that it doesn't even know how scared...

...it is and what's going on. How Long, you think? How many times do you think got to be? I don't know. How long did you have? How long did you have to drink before you realize you had a drinking problem? And what would you do, even when you were drinking and haven't drinking problem, but somebody came up to you and said you got a drinking problem, which say hey, thanks a lot, I appreciate you know you're right, let's go to AA. But if you say go, Fuck Yourself, you don't know the truth. You can't handle the truth. You don't even want to know the truth this. You don't. By the way, you know what I'm describing. I'm describing the DIS ease of alcoholism. I'm describing why people continue to go to meetings even after they stop drinking. They may not even realize, they may realize that somehow they're feeling better and they and they may realize and believe, and it's true, that if they go to means it's insurance against not drinking, if they help on the people's but ultimately it also clears up the COBWEBS and changes the way you think and so you can see what's really true to be going on. It's as simple as that. Could see this stuff or clearly, but unfortunately everybody's going to spend their time in the other and everybody's got to do the work. You know, it's not like that. You know, it may you may have gotten sober. I got sober like that. Fifteen years and one day and I was sober. You know what I mean. You know and you may have to go through what you have to go through before you say it's not going to happen one week, the two weeks or stuff like that, to see what's really going on in here. It's going to be painful. You can have to go through repeat humiliations. The final question, Vieuse, you're going to have to go through, in some of the craft that's going on side of you, like what's going on side of me, the same process that you went through and you finally figured out you had a problem with drugs and alcohol, where you got to the point in your life where you got so you Billi, you know, like I say, I say it but it's not a joke, but I say it. I said I came to alcoholics anonymous when the constants of the consequences of my drinking came at me faster than my ability to lower my standards. You may have to go through that same product, that same process, with money. You may have to go through that same process with sex or romance. You may have to go through that same process with everything else in your life, everything else in your life, your entire life, and all your thoughts. You're crazy thoughts and and get hit over ahead and hit over head until you realize that your palace over a whole bunch of different things and turn it over. And so nowadays I believe that really the most important step in my life, and it, you know, really the truth, is the most important stuff your life is the step that you're working on, or whatever you have to do in order to stay sober, because once you put the drink in your mouth, all bets are off, all growth stops. So the most important thing in your life is whatever the hell you got to do right now in order not to drink. But ultimately, what I ultimately realize, and I believe this is true, but I could be wrong, because I'm they used to call six and seven old times, is the sixth step. There's a reason why they say this is the step that separates the men from they don't say third step separates the member. When you get that knee and one time, then you get it. They don't say you know, they say the sixth step is the step that's a and why is it the sick? Because the six step is when you become entirely ready. You know, entirely ready means it means vain. Only talk about booze, the talking about porn they're talking about, you know, run around looking for sex. They're talking about Romance, the lifetime channel and all that Shit. You know, the women are saying this guy is fucking crazy. My whole life is about romance. If I can only find a guy and have a cottage in the country with a white pick and fans a couple of babies and think, oh, it would be earlier, you know, you know I mean. There are things that we wrap our Lima, we idolized and put our minds only think if I only had that, that would work. Let me tell you something. You know, many times I had things work out for me and I had everything I thought I should have to make everything wonderful, and I just destroyed it. You know, it destroyed it. It's amazing. You got to get right now.

The six step is the step becoming entirely ready to have God remove all these defects, where you don't just get on your knees for five seconds, you know what I mean, and say some prayer and they get up and business as usual. Six step, where it says we try, we grow, we want to and we desire to grow in the image and likeness of God, our creator, and then it says this is something that we have to repeat for a lifetime on everything. The six step is pretty fanatical. It's pretty strange. You just never get off your knees. Fee The third step you get off your knees. Six step, you ain't never getting off your knees. Of course. That's about the time you start talking about the fifth step the way I'm talking about that's about the time where people in a are saying this guy's crazy, this guy is nuts. Not Everybody says that, there are some people that are saying, you know, maybe he's right. You know this guy is nuts, but you're able to say it to even big groups like this, you know, because you're not worried about what people are thinking about you. So you're able to tell him the truth, because the truth is what is more important to you after a certain amount of time is not whether the people think you're stupid or they're laughing at you or whatever. It is what's more important to you, like it says the big book, is that you because you come with the knowledge that God will give you everything you need if you stay close to him, and performers work well and you realize that your work has to do with sharing the good news about this program but other people what's actually happening, and you realize that what the book says is right, that we must get rid of this selfishness. It's alcoholism. We must our kills us, and God makes that possible. So, like the big book says, you see to it that your relationship with himn's right, and you know the great events will come the past you and couples others. So your life is not based on what other people think about you, but based upon what you think your Creator, the God of your understanding, thinks about you, and so you're not always looking around the crowds of sad one of what these people are thinking. You just walk away and say and you can, you could feel clean before you God, which is said, I did what you wanted me to do. You get it. That's it. Thank you. Out of times there's time for burning and dire. You have.

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