AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 3 · 1 year ago

Russell S - Fear of People @ West Dixie Club 2019-2020 #5

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Oh boy, no old age, it's not for SissisI'll. Tell You! Okay, can'! Wait to hear what I have to say. My Name's Russell Spat Som, analcoholic, I'm a member of the sopic to do, and I haven't found necessary tohave a drinking or have I had a drink since Janbruary, twenty F, one thousandnine hundred and eighty one, and it's privileged to be here. It's always goodfor me to be at an a meeting good place to be. I like hanging ount with mypeeps, my tribe, you guys were all numbers of the tribe Banal. You O allfucking crazy! Well, crazy! You guys you guys evenunderstand how incredibly lucky you are to be alcoholics. How how incrediblyfortunate you are to be alcoholic at in here. Do you know as it you know, I'vebeen sober, will be almost twenty nine years, no thirty, nine years butever!So here's the deal has you know after you've been sober for a while yeah youdon't even know. If you don't even understand you know what don't evenstart. Li You're like laughing. I haven't even said anything yet you knowafter you've been sober for a while. I don't know whether I know we havepeople with a hundred days and then we got people with a lot of years backthere and have you noticed that there are people? I don't want to start off on negativenote, but I mean we'll just talk realistically, you know bout the tohave you noticed while being out there now that you'resover, that there are people that are not alcoholics, they appear to have theTI disease. You have, as anybody notice that you know I meanI mean they just appear to have the same disease. I call them asaholics. You know what I mean:yeuhere like assholes, but they're and they're selfish and they're elfcentered, but they have no hope of ever getting better youngtatythey'll, neverget better they're going to live, lives of quiet desperation, they'll, neversee they'll be they were born. That way. They will be that way. They will die.That way. You know foring any some sort of supernatural intervention, which youknow is probably rare for these people. You know they just have frome lives.You know like, like the crummy lives we had andsometimes have you know, but we at least have alcoholic sort of you knowwhat it says: Wild is insistence on hitting bottom, my sponsorused to say: Don't Roban Alpoc of his desperation.Every allpolcast out is last drink. You know how do people own e computer here asever own, the computer ere. You Know Rase your hand very good, it'sParticipatin me! So so I mean I'm not a computer geek or anything like that,but I know a little bit. You know for a seven year old, Guy, Kno O and you knowsometimes with computers. What you got to do is oddly enough, as AMA experiences iswhen they start going crazy, is you got to actually turn them off? You got tokill hem you hit the kill, switch, turn them sockers off right and then youwould you like reboot them right and they sort of fix themselves. You know, I'm sorry. I kind of think that, maybethat's what has to happen. Alools somebody has hit the freaking killswitch. You know what I mean you got to you, gotto basically die. It's got tobe so drastit H, all the power you pull all the plugs, pull out all the powerthey go down, they sort of reboot themselves and that kind of thing it'sgot to be, and sometimes it has nothing to do with the circumstances. I've hadpeople in my life hat iave sponsored or I know the circumstances they got towere so much worse than my circumstances and somehow you say welland they just don't get it. They get it for a little while or something likethat, but they don't get it and it has it's some sort of insidedeal.It's a mystery. You know get to some sort of point. I guess the book callsit. What is it called the jumping off place so its here and then an alcoholic dryat the moment says, feel better look better. Having abetter time since we laugh at such Sala.

You know he'll, try the old game againbecause he's not happy with his sobriety. Soon. He'll know longliness,as yew do he'll be at the end to wish for he wishfor the end. You know the jumping off place. EahI've been I've rented some space ind that deal. I can tell you that, and I don't know what the difference itsays in the Big Book and says why all this insistence on hitting Bontom, youknow somehow gettingto some sort of point. You know everybody I mean I usedto think I'm about to this is all heresy. What I'm, what I m about to sayright now, don't pay any attention to it. I'm probably wrong, but you know,what's happened to me- is over the last thirty nine years working this thingand doing this thing. You know I've changed I've seendifferent things. I've connected dots. You know a lot of MOU guys been SOE fora long time, therr people who were ten fifteen twenty years have you noticedthat as time goes along, you get these little epiphanies. These little thingsstuff happen to you. You sort of noticed things in the big book. Maybeyou noticethings in the big book at nine years that you've been reading allyour life, but you never really noticed it, but it you know, sort of like comesa part of your life or you know en you see certain things and all Sen. Youlook at things different. It's like what what are those things that youlook through when you turn them kaleidoscopes? It's like every day.Every week it's a different color. It's a different Calan of scof and JS seethings differently and I used to I used to I used to think you know. I've justchanged my thinking on some things, so I I used to think that the first step wasthe most important step. Yousay, that's the only step you got todo. One hundred percent must be the most important step right, but you know I don't know I all. I see Naispeople picking up white chips, walking up. They picked up a white ship.I mean I'm not saying Itis War, you know they pick bli chips and do thefirst step. They believe their powlas over outblong, their life isunmanageable and they pick it up and then six months later, they're drinkingagain, then, three years later they drink itagain. Then, ten years later they drinkinatgain. Then twenty years later, they're drinking again they've gone toAl. The meetings have got the sixteen treatment centers. Were they Talinabout the first step they relya sai their powes over alple and the life isunmagial. They believe in and they're drinking again, and so then I decide well maybe it'sthe third step. That's the most important steff, that's, maybe that'sthe third steff Yoa Han. I got on the third step field,the most important, I' Bi third step guy. I like o talk about God, but you know I did the third step.Ain't, NO BIG DEAL! Really. You know, I mean tell you the truth. I hate to makeit yeah hate to minimize it, but I got on my knees, I'm not sure whether Ibelieve in God or a power. I know this. I was compliant. I was submissive. I didn't really. Youknow I came to the room, they said, save the serenity prayer. You know howwe Sart, I said the serenity prayer. I didn't sit there and say I ain't gotto say that prer. I said this waor, everybody else was doing it, I'm analcoholic. You know it's an Alcohoi one of the consequences being AP OP. If youwant to blend you know you want people to like you, so I did that deal and- and I said the Lords prayer I didn'tstand up so that it's a Christian prayer. I don't like that said. Youknow, I said this ready. Prack did what they told me to do. I mean I believe,by the way, I believe that I think it counts. It may not seem to you like. I.I think if you say this right prayer and the Lord's prayer at the end, Isaid, if you do, that, I think it counts for something it does somethingto you. It does something to you, but so I did that's up, but you want toknow something. The third step I went into my bathroom I had about threemonths. I got down on my knees and I locked the door Ho that I going, butyou don't want anybody walking in on you off the street, seeing you down on yourknees, dont want o and that shit happening.You know what I mean. This is the truth. It's the truth. ILock I'm in my house alone. I locked...

...the door by the way that has a lot to do withwhat we're going to talk about tonight. You know 'm it's going to be about it'sgoon sort of go be about the fifth step kind of somebody. I was, as I wasdriving up here, somebody one of the guys. WHOCAR said you know, I you knowwe're talking about doing the steps and I said well, you know if you reallywant to hear a good fit step. You got to go back to one of my recordings intwo thousand and three or four, when I actually used to talk about the stepsbut sort of moved on. It's all about the steps. I think I'm talking aboutthe steps, but it's just different because it's just a different deal. Youknow where I used to talk about the actual mechanics. Do this. Do that? HowI did the steps and everything like that and you get that from your spons. You canread about in the big book. Other people talk about it there's nothingwrong with it, but I just see things. I just see things differently. You knowmy stories changed and so I used to. I did the third step I got down on myknees and I said you know d. We have a third step prayer, some people memorizeit never actually memorized it. I mean rememborized a lot of other things, butI got down on my knees. I said it one time. I said it got that that's whatyou do. That's O ou Dod Thurstep. Now you recommend you do it with anotherperson. I wasn't ready for that stuff. Yeah.You know what I mean it was to way too much. You know for me. I did do it withanother person like a couple years later down the road and I did some moretimes but but that I didn't I got down on my knees. N. I said third stepprayer and I tried to be sincere. You know, and you know serious and then Igot up and business as usual. I didn't know, I mean fifteen rabbiesand a priest and come down. I didn't notice any arch angels, I didn't youknow I didn't start glowing or anything it was and then I went on to continue tomanage my life and go to means and stat that kind of stuff and and and for years I thought. Well,maybe the third set, maybe that's the most important thing, but you know Iknow a lot of people that have taken, and you know something you know AAsgrod about doing. that. Third step is, I went to the meeting and I said I just did the third step. You knowwhat I mean. That's if you're an alcoholic. You want people to know thatyou're like involved in this deal, and it's like it's like it's like apromotion. You know what I'm talking about. It's like a metal, it's likeit's like you get attention right. You know it's like when you say I got ahundred days. I got thirty two days I got fifty her. I pick up a green chip.You know, I mean green chip, you know a purple chip whatever it is. You knowit's it's good. It's a good thing. It feels good that you're like doingsomething. That's a good thing, there's nothing wrong with that. But but thething is: I've seen a lot of people who have done the first step, an thesecond step. Like the you know. I didn't think muchof this second step. You know, sort of like the second tep step to me was likesomething that happened between the first step and the thirs de which it is. You know I mean when youthink about it, but but it didn't sound like a major thing,but actually it is a major thing because, because it has to do really,it doesn't seem like a major thing at first. It doesn't seem like a major thing atfirst, because I don't know it doesn't seem like youhave to do too much, but but, as I go along, I look back onit. It's really a key thing. T at sort of comes up when you start realizingwhen you start really grasping how crazy you are and how sick thisdiseases and how insidious it is and how, on your best day, you'll, neverhow creat how it can take it anyyet. I don't think I don't think I reallyreally realize how tough this feel is. It saysunlesson until an ALCOHOLC accepts his alcoholism and all its consequences, his surbribe to be forcarious of true happiness, te'll find not at all. Why is a person with ten years? I don'tknow how long a lot of you guys have been around, but I've been around longenough. So I've seen people with three...

...years going to meetings go out anddrink and drug again die. I've seen do wit. Five years go out and drinkingdrug Gen, I've seen people nine years go out and use crack and die. I've seenpeople it fifteen years go out of news twenty years thirty years. You know if you've been around therelong enough, you see a lot of people do that most people do that. I think onehalf of one percent- I was told one time I read somewhere sometime andthat's a want. I don't even know how they take statistics. It's probably allwrong. The only one half of one percent makes over twenty years. How do you think that? How does thatsound like they didn't? Do the third step? It's like they did, I used to saywell, he obviously haven't done the first step, yeah some Guy Staye soverfor twenty years going to mean he never did the first step. You know, what's the deal with that, how doessomebody with twenty years, with ten years, with even five years, going tomeetings listening to all this stuff? How did hey go to Ata you ever figureout how that happens? You know somebodywill say something toyou like they'll, say well, you'll hear this. Well, I stoppgoing to meetings, so you say to yourself: WELL THAT'S EASY! I justain't never going to STOP GOING TO BETES RIGHT! THAT'S S! I never going tostop going MES, but whut you don't realize is those guys that stope goingto meetings one time we're sitting where you're sitting and they weresaying things I never going to stop going to meeting so then you got to try to think a lotof people stop going to meetings. That's an interesting question: why dopeople stop going to meetings because of a woman, because o worldly clamors,because of a man because a romance because of cars, art whatever it isthey get distracted, worldly clamors? Is that it maybe that's the reason, butbut those climbers Ar Oller they're all around me they're all around peoplethat stay. Why is that some people get distracted by romance sex cars and allthat worldly stuff? You Know Bill Wilson, said a t to emotional sobriety.The next level, a man for the voice is unhealthy.dependencies, unhealthy addictions, the pencies noton alcohol, not a drugs on other shit, one other stuff. You know stuff that I've been running aroundthat as ie been in my life, that I've een think old ideas that are embetted amen where, if you Kdon't, if you don't get rid of him, the results are what no half measure the Bellas. What my mind tells me that should give me atleast fifty percent. You know what I mean, and yet it says in the end, it'llfail me nothing. The only problem is with the halfmeasures of Ello me. Nothing is, I won't realize it's afill me nothinguntil I direct Le Gane, Dru and I'll realize that all this tenyears, staying in a and doing all this stuff, I missed th I' missed the wholepoint of the deal, because I was just playing games bcause. I never really did the deal I'e be going to meetings. I've beendoing, you know, I mean what's the answer, it gives you lilike littlehants, it says I suffer from insane. It says a power will will restore me toSaturday, so I must have been insane and restoreing to Sanidy. So I meanwhat is what does that in Sadi? Look like whet book sort of gives us a hand.It says it says it looks like being selfish being selfcenter. I personally think I'm a good guy. Idon't know too many oumones. Don't think that, basically, my grandmothersaid Russell. You know something you're, basically a good boy. I have no ideawhat that means. I think it means underneath all the bullshit. You knowthere's some sort of you know b. You know goodness hing and everything. Iknow I heard a lot of people sober. I don't need alcohol to be an Ashole. Ireally don't. You know. I've heard most that many of most people I heard in mylife did a collstone solver calling up making excuses and everythingline. Ihurt many people the same way the same people after I came down Fox Andoms toeven today when I do something wrong or I screw up or I get angry, it's thesame type of act. I ain't, no new defects with me same shit. I was doingwhan. I was ten years old. You know what I mean: I' need: Alcoholi E andselfishm selfishness and selfsettness,...

...but you know the first step of gettingout of jail. You got to know you're in Genle. In the first place. How do youeven know what the selfish just look? Hey, listen, howll? How did? How did Ifind out about alcohol fifteen years of drinking sixteen years of drinking?When I finally got to the point like it was like this? Hey I'm palase overOltcho. My life is unmanageable. You know it prob. My problem is, I wasprows O Rolt on my lev S, unmanageable like ye ten years prior to that I justdidn't see it. You know somehow you all of a sudden you wake up one day and yousay I'm all screwed up. My Life is screwed up n, it's because of alcohol,and so you go to Aa, because you think you have a problem with alcohol becauseyour powers over Alpole and your life is Unmagibale and you come day and youstop drinking. You stop drinking stop drink because you recover you. I'mrecovered from that hope of state of mind of body. Only to learn that drinkis not even the problem. The Big Book says drinking is a symptom of theproblem. The real problem centers in my mind, not in my mind, not my body sure I got the chemical addiction allsort of stuff. They talk about it. You know if I put something by Bya, sets upa craving, but the bottom line is everybody. I know who drinks again, whoslips in AA again right before they right everybody. I know has three years:Four years: Five years, one hundred Tras thirty, two DA forty that slipsagain right before they take the drink. They're sober. Did you know that when a person slipsan alcoholics anonymous and takes the drink right before they take the drink,they're actually sober so they're not doing it notthe crazy. They know wit it. Why would a personwecouse they ity five year for five years? Take a drink. I happen, know the answer. E O. One ofthe answer would you like know the answer, because they're fucking nuts, I mean you understand that becausethey're insane, that's what the second step says. Itsays you're insane call manager, wrote a book called man against himself. Hesaid Alcoholi or men and women are out to destroy themselves. You think they have all these thingsgoing on deep down inside that youn't even know about all these thoughts. HavBeen An assole might as well fill myself I'll, never be okay, not feelingworthy a whole feeling of unworthiness not being good enough. Knowing you'rean Assall, your idiot you'R Nadiat trying to make sure nobody finds outhow stupid you are. You know the teacher says: tdoesanybody have a question. You have a question, you don't want to raise yourhand, because people think it's a stupid question and laugh at yeah. Soeverybody says Yoa everybody have the answer. You think you have the answer,but what, if you're wrong? You want to be president but you'rescared to run. You want to get a better job, but yousescared to go out and actually you know apply for one. You know you want to say something atthe meening, but what, if you say something stupid and they think you'restupid? You walk away from the meeting saying why Te Fuck that I say that youknow I'm such an asshole. You know somebody says to you once you char themeet and you say: I'm not ready Alcohol Co Fori. I'm scared Shit List, TAT, O oMak, you know an, I mean a whole life filled with fear the corrosive thread,selfishness and Selfsentense t the consequence. That's it unless untol analcoholcansepsly, his alcholsm and all its consequences. His survibed beprecarious of true happiness, offun thet at all, but but how do you findout what the consequences are? I took me fifteen years to find out about theto find out about the symptom, the symptom drinking alcohol now Suos ofind out about the. How do I find out about the consequences I mean it sayspart of being selfish atdselfsed. It is what it say driven by a hundred formsof fear, ahundred forms of year. You know I mayfigure out one or two and that wee self dilute weredelusional. That means you don't know what the Hell's going on you delusionow. You don't see it.

You know, but we ultimately see thatyou know we step on tos of wothers. They retall it. We see we makedecisions based onself, whatever that means stupid decisions would put us in aposition to be heart. selfdestructive though we usually don't think so wedon't even see it. How do you find out about that stuff? How do you find outabout this so well I'll tell you ow you find out about it. You get stopped onabout threesand times over period of twenty thirty years, trying to figureout whys. That happened to me. Why, as all this happenid to me and youultimately, you fall certain rules. You do things like fourh steps and fifthsteps and inventories, and you write down stuff that you would never writedown before you. Take you take construction I'll, tell you one thingwhen I was feeling bad and I was feeling sorry for myself and Shit wouldhappen to me. I never wrote down a list of resentments, you know, and why did Iresent them? You know what did it affect and disregarding the Asshole wedid all that shit to me. Where was I wrong? I did never did that stuff. Ijust I just went the bar and said you know that guy rap as a piece of shit,my boss is a piece of shit. You don't want to some. I hate my wife, I'mleaving it Sheah. I just I just sought the counsel of another member of thetribe. You Know A, I mean one of you guys. I'd find you in a bar I'd, say mywifeis in here. I'm getting and they say yeah she is a pitch. She doesn'tdeserve. You Russell I'd, Sak, the counsel of somebody else who was ascrazy as I was. You know I mean, and he would say something crazy. I'd saythat's why I like hanging out in the bars, because these guys are so smart,because that's what I was thinking. You know what I mean a now wife, a no car,a new boss, a new job. Then, of course you got TA apply for a job and that'sscary. You know and not that Giva Shit. What other people think about me? Youknow, because I tell myself, even though my whole life is ruled by forhearof people, you kndw, I tell myself, I don't give acrap what other people think about me hand. What is the fourh seven fith stephave to do with all this stuff. Anyway, you know, and I mean it's SOM ware- tofigure out motivations and F takes years to even see the CTO even connectthe docts and see how crazy you are whenever you disturbed Mi thiis, thespiritual ACON. Whenever you disturbed no matter what the call and you're notsupposed to firgure this soutens O, you gets an the tens et Owi howd you, likethat's the ten step, spiritual axum. Whenever you disturb no matter what thecause there's something wrong with you now you're, not frigan. Anybody everbeen in the last onth disturbed you've been disturbed by something I'lldisturb. I know, there's ses, they say were youknow you know, what's supposed to happen, if you join Aa, you do thithingright you're supposed to be rocketed into the fourth dimension of existence. You guys been rockitg in the FOURHdimention of existence. Yet have you experienced much of heaven inexplicable life? Have you experiencedthe new freedom you'll know if it's the new freedom,because it's not like anything you're used to it's brand new? Have youexperience that yet or have you just experienced you're, not drinking, you feel prettygood, but every once in a while, you get disturbed of Shit every other hour.You get disturbed. What happens when you get disthirbed? You know you thinkbad thoughts about yourself and other people o you talk about people behindtheir back. If you say things like Wis, a shit always happening to me. Youstwant to feel sorry for your solthing, like a fucking victim or something andwhat's going on there. You know it's alcoholism, you know. So, what's theconsequences of being in alcohol, what do they look like? How Wont Does Ittake to figure that shit out? I mean if the first time o getting out of Jailisknowng Youre in jail in the first place. When do you start actually see what thereal problem is? You got to do all this stuff. You got to go through all thisbrap and then it says well I'll, tell you what it says, one of he things thatsays in the book. This is all book stuff, I'm not making this crap up.This is, after thirty, you know listen! I is after doing this thing for thirty,eight plus years. You know I mean I know the deal. I know what it is inmhave to. I'm have to look it up in the book or what do I do now? I've beendoing it for Thir. You know after you...

...do the same thing and follow the book.You know you may need they need sixteen sponsors on Penguin. You made me thebook made all the do that you may need all that stuff. You may need to go tofifteen thousand MES o fine. Okay, do this do that to get all the, but youknow you figure. After thirty eight years you you figure out something. Youknow what I mean without having to go to the material, not that you shouldn'tgo t the material, so I've been I'veen. I've been trying to survive this crazy world with alcoholis outthere, while they'e firing live ammunition at me, living in the realworld, not making believe for thirty, eight plus almost thirty nine years,and not we trying to do that for trying to also experience those promises thatcrap they read after every meeting. That's supposed to happen to you thatdoesn't really happen ever at nine years or ten years or fifteen years I said to, but there it happens tothese guys with thirty years. That's the only thing, because I'd goto these guys or thirty years, an looked like thet was happening to themand tha. It had I'd, say to REO Keef at no years so Rgisaid what am I going to be, how financialsecurity whet am I going to be wealthy and how financials scruty? Because itsaid in the big the promises you'll lose Feaur, financial andsecurity. So I have like billions of dollars. Youknow what I mean, which I figure I'm a lawyer. I think you know so. I said tohim because I was brokengether nine years because it had some do with spending money. Youdon't have to buy shit. You don't need to impress people. You KDOn't, likehat's Doith, with spending money on like Mercedes at s, six hundred o sevenhundred dollars a month when you can't really afford it, but I don't know you like the car and youlike, and the Pointess of your drivn Mercedes people think you're, wealthyand you're rich and you better has to with live in a dishonest lifestyle. Just like the car D, You just like whatwhat you feel like when you're driving in it and then your sponsor says Tousomething like watch Ou, get rid of that car andSupefi your life and buy like a used Cheby, and you ain't never going to do that. It's just not going to happen. It's nott you're going to just try to figure out Y. You say: Well, listen! I got theanswer f. what's that e says earn more or spend less, I said: Well, what would be wild be mythird option. You know what I mean o a third option is just borrow moneyon credit cards and everything other people's money. So you can do that andthe reason you do. That is because you worry about what other people thinkabout you. You don't realize how much your life has ruled on vanity andworried about what other people think about. You don't realize it becauseyou're too busy telling yourself, you really don't give a shit. What otherpeople think about you? You just know that Youe live in a primie life becauseyou're always broke, and you ask some guy othe promises like Ral Kief, and hesays something like this. He says he says Rosseley says: Where does it saythat I said in the book and says if your people in a Backhopan screa leaveyou he says yeah, the fear will leave you. He fear he says you will always bebroke. It just bother you. What is that GOINTA happen? Then you keep on trucking, keep on truckingand then one day you wake up. I don't know twenty five years. Thirty yearsand it's hapand you wake up and it's happened. It happened at happens, you stop wearing all of asudden. You wake up and you', not worried about stuff like that. You cantalk for an hour at a meeting without having anything planned, O just talkabout wit's on your heart and what's on your mind, and you don't worry aboutwhat you're going to say when you're coming up here, you knon t have tostudy for Gotn Aue to get nervous. You know what I mean. I don't know how ithappens. I don't know how that happens, but when you lose fear of people, youknow what your story is. You can you can you can be honest, you can begenuine, you can be authented, you know it's all in siught, each oneof you, your story, you just don't know it or you're scared to tell it...

...you'r just scared to tell him, but then life becomes easy. Couse you're not feeling like a pieceof shit. You don't walk out of Mens moring. Iwonder what they're thinking about me. You know you lose what happend? Whatkind of life is that? What do you think that what do you think life feels likewhen you you stop being so concerned about who you are and what you are nd,the guys other people? You know when you live your entire life? Basically thinking that you are whatother people think about you, it's pretty shitty life. You know prety Shity, like guys when you got tohave a good looking gall in your life, walking next to you, so that you canfeel like a man and you don't feel too good when you don't have a date or aman. You know gals when you feel like if you're not married, your pieze ofShit, you know what I mean or if you have a certain weight side when wheneverything depends upon, you know the circumstances of your life for how youlook or what kind of clothes you have. You know what I mean. It's alldependien upon that and one day you may have Tho Clothe one day you may nothave the clothes make when they, when that's what your life depends on. Rordefeel good about yourself, pretty shitty life, it's hard to realize how shitty likeit's hard to realize it's a shitty light, because when you watch TV- andyou see the movies, see all those people you worship, you know the moviestars Everny like that, you look at all. Billboards seems like that is the dealright. I guess that's why all these movie starts are committid suicide anddoing all sorts F, crazy shit. You know, apparently, that's not the deal. There are people that talk about adifferent type of life, wbut they're in church and who wants to do that becausewe're spiritual, not religious, even though the big book go encouragestrench members, but you worry what people think aboutyou o go to church. You know got past that Shit. You know I started doingwhat they were doing an the old days in the big book. I joined the Church and Ihung around people who who talkd about God yeah their hypocrits they're, notperfect. Everyone like that, but you want to know something they they talkabout. God, all the time. I can tell you that theyre focused on that deal focused the Bible and stuff like that,and I'm telling you don't have to do it. You just keep on doing what you'redoing, but you learn about that. You learn about this disease. This timegoes on so when I first came into alcoholicsANAMAS, so, for instance, what dies that clue I the fist up. So let me saythis: You first come into Altholis anonymous now I know you're all goingto find this hard to believe for the first two or three weeks I go to meetnsand I wouldn't talk at all now. The truth is, I got cured of that,but my sponsor took me aside. I'd listened to all the stories. Hatdlistened to what everybody said, and I was a trilaturn Hes, try, murder cases,I mean I'me Wul, talking front people. I cou try a two week, murder case otalking, I friont of people, and I wouldn't say a thing when I was in a aroom and my sponsor said to me he said you know: Russi noticed that when yougo to these meeds, you don't say anything, and I said to him as honestas I coul, possibly de at the time. I said why don't really have anythingimportant to say, and he said to me this. He said youknow something you're selfish. This is the interesting thing about sponsorsand stuff like that, because they tell you shit, they cause you to think about stuffthat you'd never see in a million years. I'm thinking I'm the humblest guy inthe room, because I'm not talking I'm the guy in the back of the room, notsaying crap. Judging the guy who's chairing the meeting saying why don'tthey have meo thinking, I'm the humble one when on the in the most selfrighteous prick of the entire place, because all I'm doing is judgingsomebody else. You know and sitting back there thinking, I'm so humble, and this is what he said to me. He saidto me. He said Russ, your selfish, I said witnt me on Selfi. He says youknow Russell. These people come to this meeving and they share. You knowintimate stuff about their stories and, what's going on with them, certainlydoes what help themselves but hoping that maybe what they're saying mighthelp somebody else and you sit there and you like a Voyery. You listen to every word. They say...

...he says, but you don't say you don'tsay anything about yourself. He says you know some, your all takeand you're,no gift. You know I mean you just want to listen and watch and be a spectator,but you don't even want to rint saying anything that might help Im. He says,and this is what he says he says who the hell are you to make the decision that what you haveto say isn't important. So he like shame me. That's what a goodsponsor does, because that's how we got a new perspective by repeatedhumiliations and the final pression of ourselves. UFFICIENCY, I'm not makingthes Shit Up, it's actually in our literature. That's how we got newperspective about things because we're pretty hard at and we got these oldideas and the way we got a new perspective is blaming. If you gotarrested enough times and enough shit happens to you as a result of alcohol,you'll, ultimately figure out, I think I have a drinking problem and if a enough bullshit happens to you,because you have certain consequence of alcoholism, you might Dawt upon youthat you got other problems. You understand you myg tarn upon you, andso I started forcing myself to say stuff to share simple. As that you know, so you know sort of dig downbeneath all that, and why is it that I didn't want to share? Why is it that used to walk out ofmeanings after I shid and worry about and go over my head? What Av I sai, Isaid. Well, I should have said this or I should have said that or ill bipeople think. Why is it when people ask me to chair me, and I would say, I'mnot ready? What did I? What was that all about? Why is I start asking myself some ofthe Thi? Why is it I said to my sponsor Bob? What if somebody askd me whether Iwant to drink? What do I say what is a thirty one year old man, who's, a trilattorny who who's an alcoholic whos going to Ami, have to inquire of a nodemon being? If somebody asked me with they're on a drink, what do I say I wan? No really. What is that? Why doI need to know that and when he says to me say this say no,thank you and I say to him: that's it. Why am I self puzzled about that? Why? Why is why? Is it I hotefullylearn? What does it say? Maybe that the answer is somewhere in the big bookabout Boxanot Maye, it's somewhere n the promises? What are one of thepromises? blose fear people isn't that one of the promises you know one of the things that saysabout alcoholics is that would delusionem, maybe one of the consequence of beingalcohol is. You are concredibly scared of what people thinkabout? Maybe you don't have an alcohol prom atall right now, because you're not drinking, maybe your problem is, isthat you walk around and you're scared, shitless b t what other people thinkabout you or what they're going to think about you, and maybe this is Icase- maybe you're completely scared. What other people think about you,because you think you're a piece of shit and maybe you're ready for this-that you don't even know how scared you are well like your delusion. Maybe you arehen? Maybe you don't have a flipping clue as to how scarey you are. Maybe I don't know maybe one day youwon't be scared of people and maybe Yo'll live you. Let me ask something itwell. If you were scared of people and if, like they say, an ecclesiasitieseverything's, bad and Ye's worried about what other people think about you. Well, that would pretty much explainwhy you ask all these questions and why you worry about all this stuff to whatyou're so anxious, as a matter of fact, come to think about it. That would sort of explain why I spendmore money than I make and why I do some of the things I do because I worryso much about what other people think about me. You know, because you know Ithink yo o t that would explain Sohng. You know, I'm thinking that's apossibility. I don't know- and you know...

...that part where it says- WE'RE GON- TOLOSE ECONOM fear of financial. What is it financial peer,but you know come to think of it when I used to worry about when my house, myhouse, one time Wen before closure during the big deal you know and and anmany times I've been broke. Anybody here IAVE been broke. Everyo anybodyhere ever have every thank you sturf for being honest and raising your hand,they've all been broke many many times, but they won't raise their hand. You know why they won't raise theirhands juse, so worried about what other people going to think about ain't, that ain't going to fuckinghappen. But I appreciate you raising your hards okay, you know ther ievengoing to talk about it, but but you see and, and you see about being broke, youknow what what about worrying about financial and security? You know whatthe biggest problem as wil be with financial and security being brok orhaving problems. Sure you worry about, I'm ot going ta be homeless and Shiltlike, but what you really worrid about is what will people think about me ifI'm broke? What will people think about me if Ilose the car? Well, people think about me. If I lose the house, let me asksome: What would your like be like if you never had any concern about whatother people, if you really never cared what othe people think about not inlike a arrogant way, but it just that your life and your self worth was notbased on what people in Aa or people in the outside world think about you? Howwould your life change? How do you think you'd feel about the Shit Fyeah Reyou think you thinkind be freer,I'd, be a fucking Yel yef. Don't you think a bit yeah it'LD be unbelievable boy. That would be something. How doyou do that Shit? You know what I mean that'd, be like the promises comingthrue in your life. How does that happen now now, so why do we have to gothrough this fifth step? What does this fist step have to do? Y I mean you gotto sit down with. Why d? Why are people scared of the fifth step in theFORTSTEP? Why do you think that is? Why do you think people are scared of youknow say: Maybe that's something to do with actually sitting down withsomebody face the face and talk about shit that you don't want to talk about. You know, maybe that's, maybe that's a a key toaway of life. You, like that manner of living, eachdheman's, rigorous honesty, a manner of living that growth in a manner ofliving that deman's rigorous, onisy, thats e Firske. Now now my way of lifeis, I ain't telling you shit. Well, I'll, tell you shit if I'm in abar and I'm drinking or I don't even have to be drinking I'll. Tell you shitif you like one of us and I trust you, the problem- is it's going to be it'sgoing to be dishonest bullshit, I'm not going to tell you the truth, notbecause I'm going Ta lie to you, but because it's my nature, I don't see it because in everything I'm going to tellyou, I'm always going to be the hero and I'm always going to be the victim,and it's never going to be my fault. As matter fact that was my story. When Icame an day, it's not my fault, I'M NOT TO BLAME! It's this other son of abitch. You know what I mean and I don't even see that that's crazy ordelusional. That's Ju to me. It looks that way to me. I'm a good guy in thegood world, bad breaks and misunderstandings and my wife is anasshole. You know what I mean. That's the lay it looks to me. You know I meanso even and I think I go to by start sharing shit and I think I'm and Ithink somehow, I'm getting better by sharing and I'm sharing lies. I'msharing lies with other wires fore. Telling me I'm right and all I do is Icontinue to be measurable, miserable drinking miserable, not drinking, noteven seeing what's going on. What do you do? You think to read thebig book one time and after a week, all of a sudden you're cured of thatdisease? That delusion I mean how Longl do you think it takes to clear up amind that for thirty one years, forty one years fifty years ar many years, itis, is crazy and insane insane that it...

...doesn't even know how scared it is andwhat's going, how long yout? How many times do you think got to be? I don'tknow how long did you have? How long did you have to drink before yourealized? He had a drinking problem and W at would you do even when youwere drinking and have a drinking problem with somebody came up to youand said you had a drinkinr problem, which is a hate. Thanks lot toappreciate. You know, you're right, let's go to Aa what you say: Go FuckYourself, you like the truth. You get inliget,you one won, know the truth. This is you know by the way, you know what I'mdescribing I'm describing the disease of alcoholism and I'm describing why people continueto go to meetings even after they storp drinking they Nevn't even realize theymade realize that some other feeling betterit and they and they may realizeand believe- and it's true that if they go to mee is insurance gets notdrinking, but they hele on peoples, but ultimately it also clears up theCOBWEBS and changes the way you think unfor. You can see what's reallytruthfull going on a simple, as I cau can see this stuff more clearly, butunfortunately, everybody's going to spend their time in yeup andeverybody's got to do the work. You know it's not like that. You know, mayyou may have gotten sober. I got sober like that. Fifteen years and one day-and I was sober, you know what I mean you know and you may have to go throughhat. You have to go through before you say it's not going to happen. Wt stuff,like Thato, see, what's really going on it's going to be painful, you have togo through repeat e humiliations, so fine question ous you're going to haveto go through and some of the crap that's going on side of you like.What's going onside of me, the same process that you went through hen youfinally, firgured out, you had a problem with drugs, an alcohol whereyou got to the point in your life where you got so you million you know like Isay I say it, but it's not a joke, but I sai I sycam Dalcalks Ananas, when theCONSTANTSO consequences of my drinking came at me faster than my ability tolower my standards. You may have to go through that same prout, produt, thatsame process with money you may have to go through that same process with sexor romance. You may have to go through that same process with everything elsein your life. Everything else in your life, your entire life and all yourthoughts, your crazy thoughts and get hit over the head and hit oven headuntil you realize that your prowes over a whole bunch of different things andturn it over, and so nowadays. I believe that really the most importantstep in my life- and it you know really he truth- is the most important step ofyour life- is the step that you're working on or whatever you have to doin order to stay sober, because once you put the drink in your mouth, allbets are off all growth stops, so the most important thing in your life iswhatever the hell. You got to do right now in order not to drink, butultimately what I ultimately realize T- and I believe this is true, but I couldbe wrong because I'm they used to call six and seven old times. Is the sixthstep there's a reason why they say this is the step that separates the men.Forthey, don't say, third step separates o them. When you get that NEUs an one time, then you get it, they don't sat. You know they say the Sixhstep is the step thats a and why is it the SIG? Because the Sixh step is whenyou become entirely ready? You know antirly bred means it meansven only talke about Booz to talk about porn. They're. Talking about you know, runaround looking for sex they're talking about romance the lifetime channel andall that Shit. You know the women are saying this guy isfucking crazy. My whole life is about romance. If Ican only find a guy and have a cottage in the country with a white pickingfence a couple of babies Ar Tina- oh, it would be. You know I mean there. Are Things thatwe wrap our on? We idolize Wand, put our Min don think if I only had thatthat would work. Let me tell you something: You know o many times. I hadthings work out for me and I had everything I thought I should have tomake everything wonderful and I just destroyed it. You know destroyin itit's amazing.

No, you got to get right. No, the sixstep is tho step becoming entirely ready to have God remove all thesedefects, where you don't just get on your knees for five seconds. You knowwhat I mean and say some prayer and they get up. Ind businessas usual islixthept where it says we try, we grow. We want to we desire to grow in theimage and likeness of God, our creator, and then it says this is something thatwe have to repeat for a lifetime on everything. The six step is prettyfanatical. It's pretty strange. You just never get off your knees for thethirds that you get off. You need six step. You Ain't, never getting off yourknees. Of course. That's about the time you start talling about the fist up theway, I'm talking about that's about the time where people in a are saying thisguy's crazy. This guy is nuts. Not Everybody says that there are somepeople, thare saying you know, maybe he's right. You know this. Guy Is nuts but you'reable to say it to even big groups like this. You know because you're notworried about what people are thinking about you so you're able to tell himthe truth, because the truth is what is more important to you after acertain amount of time is not whether the people think they're, stupid ortheyr laugh ing the idea, whatever it is. What's more important to you likeit says, the big book is that you, because you come with the knowledgethat God will give you everything you need F, you stay close to them andperformens work well, and you realize that your work has to do with sharingthe good news about this program with other people what's actually happening,and you realize that what the book says is right that we must get rid of thisselfishness as alcholism. We must sort of or kills us, and God makes thatpossible. So, like the big book says you see to it in you, relationship withhim is right, and you know the great events Er from the past youncop wits,others. So your life has not based on one other people, think about you, butbased Pon, when you think you're creater, the god of your understanding,picks itbout here and so you're, not always lookingaround the crowds. A sad one on with these people are thinking. You justwalk, win and say, and you can you can feel clean before you, God could justsay I did what you wanted me to do. You got it yeah, that's it! Thank you. DIRTI.

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